I hear you saying "Have the party without them. Open the Christmas presents without them. Have the fun on schedule. Don't ruin the day waiting around for the addict."
Thank You, I read a response to a comment you said, "If you are working harder than they are, you are probably enabling" and it really hit home. I did it for way too long and gradually stopped. Now my son won't speak to me. I just couldn't go on the other way though. Coping with my life and his, my problems and his on top of it. Saying NO is the hardest thing to do.
#9 hurt me. Yes I feel like I did favors out of my comfort zone…. And was not given proper appreciation… and basically ignored ( they went back to their mess) hurts so much to not have reciprocity and recognition.
My mother gave 40 years enabling our father's outrageous behaviour. In truth, he had undiagnosed Bi-Polar disorder. I am completely convinced of it. The more I read up on the disorder, the more I truly believe that. Reflecting back, she was a vulnerable woman herself who probably never even knew she was an enabler and totally denied his mental health problems. So, in other words, enabling is complicated too.
I interpreted "Enabling Addiction" as an addiction to enabling... Which isn't wrong, codependents have to focus on others, and it's socially acceptable compared to being addicted to drugs
This sounds like how my mom deals with my brother who is mentally ill. He is chronically dependent on my mom, food, and cigarettes. If she wasn't there, everything would fall apart and he doesn't seem to have any personal motivation.
@@PutTheShovelDown Yes, but he doesn't do a lot of things for himself without her coaching him through it. Like choosing to do laundry or taking a shower or cleaning up where he lives (assisted living). Refuses to listen to anyone else or work with the staff. My mom is afraid that he will totally go, if doesn't step in, but he's not set up for adapting and success. The mental illness is real (schizophrenia), but his refusal to work with others is also real. This situation has been going on for years. My mom is burned out and feels like she doesn't have a choice. My brother is probably overmedicated and that can contribute to some of his lack of will. But I'm not sure if he ever had the will to cooperate, and my mom spends a lot of time coaxing him into cooperation. The situation is not working and my mom isn't one to set boundaries. I'm not sure there's anything I can say to help the situation because she is so afraid of leaving him alone to suffer, which is what he would likely choose to do at least initially, if not in the long term.
@@CamelFox5291 I go through this exactly with 2 sons aged 28 and 26, drug addiction, serious mental health issues, in and out of hospital and jail, 6 months too a year, and they come straight back out and use, and for years and years, I’ve been put through everything, manipulation, paying for hotels, and places so they are not on street, and they use in it, and trash place, in psych ward, visiting, buying them clothes, being supportive, giving my all, only too be yelled at and blamed, as soul destroying it is, I had too let go, as years and years , nothing has changed, I’m fighting every day too stay strong, focus on myself more, as I let myself go and gone without too help them, but I finally realized, I can keep doing this and enabling till I die, and they end up treating me like nothing for ever, or change things, so they can not think everytime , I will eventually come and save them, in one way or an otherxx
Hi Amber, not sure why this one in particular showed up in my feed today, but I feel like you are talking directly to me. Thank you, I needed this (as usual).
Thanks for this video. It's a difficult balance. My son has schizophrenia, and he also struggles with addiction. I sometimes fear I enable him, because I am also trying to parent someone who is mentally ill. It's hard to separate and it's hard to know sometimes what is mental illness, and what is something I need to be hard lined about.
I've been reminding my husband to do his PT exercises, because he is HORRIBLE about taking care of himself. I never thought it was enabling, but now I think maybe it is. :-( Thanks for doing this.
The worst part about those types of situations is, the other person ends up feeling like you're nagging them which puts you in the bad guy role, when you're only trying to help. So frustrating!
maybe this goes without saying, but if he happily does them when you remind him and thanks you for the reminder, that's your green flag for go, that's teamwork, any of us can forget... I often put off doing my PT exercises and I wouldn't appreciate the reminder, I know I'm responsible for it and it's not just that I am forgetting.. but I also forget my keys sometimes or forget that we need milk, that's different, genuinely forgetting is different from *uchhh.. I'll do it later* that's my own internal struggle and unfortunately my partner can't help me with that
A big lesson I've learned is "never care more about a person's issue (lack of self care, addiction, and so on), than they do". If we are more invested than another person, in their well-being...it takes from our own "bank" of well-being & it doesn't make them change anyways. Put that effort, time, energy, into attending to you! Often, we focus on others as a way to avoid our own stuff. Hard realization, but so empowering when we really get it, and live like we know it!
Yep, I have been the "bad guy" for 15 years. Long enough to kill most people. I'm still here. I find it oddly interesting how twisted things can get in these situations. Why was I thinking I was the bad guy when I was the one bailing out, helping, providing, supporting, never yelling or condemning, encouraging, ad infinity. Just weird how they can put so much guilt on another person. Glad I eventually saw it, thanks for the video.
Hi! I’m new to your channel and it has helped me so much understand why I’m acting crazy most time and that I’m not crazy, like he says. But, I am confused, I watched the “be kind” instead of always nagging and trying to control him. But, in that video you said giving him money is not enabling him, and then your other video said that lying for him was definitely enabling him. My family nor the kids have any idea what he does, I lie all the time for him. I also give him money just so I don’t have to lie and he can function enough to make a presence. How is giving him money not enabling him but lying to my family is enabling him?
Good question. Giving them money is enabling. It's just not the MOST enabling thing (as long as it's not a lot of money). If you're fixing all their problems that's enabling.
Money is money, lies are lies, there’s no amount of either that are justified. That really does bother me to think that me not wanting to tell my family that he couldn’t come to thanksgiving because he’s in withdrawals, is essentially enabling him. I didn’t get angry, I handled it with “kindness” and went about my day and yet, I’m enabling him. Why doesn’t he just leave, go do his drugs and go do what ever it is he feels he needs. Why does he “stay” and try’s to always make things right or better and he’s so in love and so sorry…He cooks and cleans and is so caring and understanding …yes, when he’s high. Im pretty sure it’s not because he loves me…. What’s the reason?
Hi MP, I think you do your best to make amends, but you can't continue to make bad decisions out of guilt. Here's a video on self forgiveness that might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/fTAfVteWF3U/видео.html
My gf of 6 years has been enabling her twenty year old son and just can't see it. I am almost ready to walk away. He hates me and sees me as a threat to his comfy lifestyle, I tell it as it is. He is abusive to myself, his mother and grandmother with absolutely no consequence. He has threatened suicide, in my view it's an empty threat. His behaviour is impacting his two younger siblings, 14 and 8 to boys. The 8 year old adores him and can see no wrong. There father was a long term drug abuser and controller who died of a butane gas overdose 5 years ago, this I think is the reason she enables him, through her own emotional damage. He doesn't work, stays up throughout the night, sleeps by day and vice versa. He is not interested in anything outside of his bedroom. He says he hates the way he looks, ( good looking lad )? He refuses any help whatsoever, he refuses self help books, refuses to see a future. He has no life. His father never took any of them on holiday and as my gf says, he had a hostile relationship with himself. What can I do???
You guys can get medical coverage and start with an appt to his primary care doctor. Encourage a referral to mental health and start with a psychiatrist and grief counseling. He’s still young, there is hope.
Video Gaming and how it makes corpses of the living, the title I imagine for when you create the video gaming series or video games = meth or video gaming partner RUN like it’s Meth.. just idears Ty for your content
For more information about Helping vs. Enabling....Watch this next: ruclips.net/p/PLaaJWwIpP_zYdP4Ag0K018GOsG7uyAYro
Put The Shovel Down 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
'If you're working harder to solve their problems than they are working, then you're enabling.' - Ouch!!!! 👏
Ouch for me too! He's even getting WAY more sleep than I am.
….just stop and do a self check……😔
If I am working harder than they are to solve their problems I am enabling. Good note.
I hear you saying "Have the party without them. Open the Christmas presents without them. Have the fun on schedule. Don't ruin the day waiting around for the addict."
I know that's easier said than done, but yes that's what I'm saying.
Thank You, I read a response to a comment you said, "If you are working harder than they are, you are probably enabling" and it really hit home. I did it for way too long and gradually stopped. Now my son won't speak to me. I just couldn't go on the other way though. Coping with my life and his, my problems and his on top of it. Saying NO is the hardest thing to do.
It really is difficult to back away. It's scary, but empowering!
“I just couldn’t go on the other way though” 💔❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Just the other day, I heard myself say to the addict in my life “I feel like I care more about you being homeless than you do!”
#9 hurt me. Yes I feel like I did favors out of my comfort zone…. And was not given proper appreciation… and basically ignored ( they went back to their mess) hurts so much to not have reciprocity and recognition.
So sorry that happened to you Lovely V! Here's a link to my playlist on boundaries. I think it might help: ruclips.net/video/p9mAwP4By6g/видео.html
My mother gave 40 years enabling our father's outrageous behaviour. In truth, he had undiagnosed Bi-Polar disorder. I am completely convinced of it. The more I read up on the disorder, the more I truly believe that. Reflecting back, she was a vulnerable woman herself who probably never even knew she was an enabler and totally denied his mental health problems. So, in other words, enabling is complicated too.
It sure is!
Wow I’ve done so much covering up for my son and doing every day things even to setting boundaries he keeps breaking,thinking I’m helping him 😔
Don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can. Now that you've found us, we're going to keep you 5 Steps Ahead!!!😜
Wow this is good information and applies to people who don’t have an addiction but continue to make poor life choices.
You're absolutely right, Jamie!!!
OH MY! I have studied this topic for 35yrs. And needed a brush up, and you are answering my questions. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
I interpreted "Enabling Addiction" as an addiction to enabling... Which isn't wrong, codependents have to focus on others, and it's socially acceptable compared to being addicted to drugs
That is such an interesting observation
This sounds like how my mom deals with my brother who is mentally ill. He is chronically dependent on my mom, food, and cigarettes. If she wasn't there, everything would fall apart and he doesn't seem to have any personal motivation.
Is he capable of doing for himself?
@@PutTheShovelDown Yes, but he doesn't do a lot of things for himself without her coaching him through it. Like choosing to do laundry or taking a shower or cleaning up where he lives (assisted living). Refuses to listen to anyone else or work with the staff. My mom is afraid that he will totally go, if doesn't step in, but he's not set up for adapting and success. The mental illness is real (schizophrenia), but his refusal to work with others is also real. This situation has been going on for years. My mom is burned out and feels like she doesn't have a choice. My brother is probably overmedicated and that can contribute to some of his lack of will. But I'm not sure if he ever had the will to cooperate, and my mom spends a lot of time coaxing him into cooperation. The situation is not working and my mom isn't one to set boundaries. I'm not sure there's anything I can say to help the situation because she is so afraid of leaving him alone to suffer, which is what he would likely choose to do at least initially, if not in the long term.
@@CamelFox5291 I go through this exactly with 2 sons aged 28 and 26, drug addiction, serious mental health issues, in and out of hospital and jail, 6 months too a year, and they come straight back out and use, and for years and years, I’ve been put through everything, manipulation, paying for hotels, and places so they are not on street, and they use in it, and trash place, in psych ward, visiting, buying them clothes, being supportive, giving my all, only too be yelled at and blamed, as soul destroying it is, I had too let go, as years and years , nothing has changed, I’m fighting every day too stay strong, focus on myself more, as I let myself go and gone without too help them, but I finally realized, I can keep doing this and enabling till I die, and they end up treating me like nothing for ever, or change things, so they can not think everytime , I will eventually come and save them, in one way or an otherxx
You always seem to know what video is resonating with me each week! I know exactly who I'm sending this to ;)
That's awesome. I'm so glad you liked it!
If you are working harder to solve their problems 😭🥺
Never lied for anyone. Can't stand lying and glad I never lied for anyone.
🤩😎😎😎
Wow, my pre-marital counseling introduced me to this topic and I didn’t realize I was enabling my fiancé with his addictions
Hi Amber, not sure why this one in particular showed up in my feed today, but I feel like you are talking directly to me. Thank you, I needed this (as usual).
Wonderful!
Thanks for this video. It's a difficult balance. My son has schizophrenia, and he also struggles with addiction. I sometimes fear I enable him, because I am also trying to parent someone who is mentally ill. It's hard to separate and it's hard to know sometimes what is mental illness, and what is something I need to be hard lined about.
Enablers will readily sacrafice the health and well being of others to feed the enabler, first hand experience, mark my words.
💯👍🏼
Absolutely
People who enable addicts get a high off of it, they are the same as the addict themselves.
Making decisions out of guilt, fear, or shame - that's me. holding holidays hostage..
I’m sorry that you’re going through that one. I relate.
to be honest, i feel you can do all these things, including being the bad guy, as long as you KNOW you do it for yourself, instead for the addict.
I absolutely agree with you A. Ye. It's about your mindset and intention!
You always hit the nail on the head. Thanks again for these helpful videos..
My pleasure!
I've been reminding my husband to do his PT exercises, because he is HORRIBLE about taking care of himself. I never thought it was enabling, but now I think maybe it is. :-( Thanks for doing this.
The worst part about those types of situations is, the other person ends up feeling like you're nagging them which puts you in the bad guy role, when you're only trying to help. So frustrating!
@@PutTheShovelDown that's exactly how I feel!
Idk you but im sure your a great wife, the situation is tragic, its your husband responsibility to get better. I hope things have gotten better.
maybe this goes without saying, but if he happily does them when you remind him and thanks you for the reminder, that's your green flag for go, that's teamwork, any of us can forget... I often put off doing my PT exercises and I wouldn't appreciate the reminder, I know I'm responsible for it and it's not just that I am forgetting.. but I also forget my keys sometimes or forget that we need milk, that's different, genuinely forgetting is different from *uchhh.. I'll do it later* that's my own internal struggle and unfortunately my partner can't help me with that
A big lesson I've learned is "never care more about a person's issue (lack of self care, addiction, and so on), than they do". If we are more invested than another person, in their well-being...it takes from our own "bank" of well-being & it doesn't make them change anyways. Put that effort, time, energy, into attending to you!
Often, we focus on others as a way to avoid our own stuff. Hard realization, but so empowering when we really get it, and live like we know it!
Yep, I have been the "bad guy" for 15 years. Long enough to kill most people. I'm still here. I find it oddly interesting how twisted things can get in these situations. Why was I thinking I was the bad guy when I was the one bailing out, helping, providing, supporting, never yelling or condemning, encouraging, ad infinity. Just weird how they can put so much guilt on another person. Glad I eventually saw it, thanks for the video.
My pleasure, Paula! I'm so glad you liked it 😁
Hi! I’m new to your channel and it has helped me so much understand why I’m acting crazy most time and that I’m not crazy, like he says. But, I am confused, I watched the “be kind” instead of always nagging and trying to control him. But, in that video you said giving him money is not enabling him, and then your other video said that lying for him was definitely enabling him. My family nor the kids have any idea what he does, I lie all the time for him. I also give him money just so I don’t have to lie and he can function enough to make a presence. How is giving him money not enabling him but lying to my family is enabling him?
Good question. Giving them money is enabling. It's just not the MOST enabling thing (as long as it's not a lot of money). If you're fixing all their problems that's enabling.
Money is money, lies are lies, there’s no amount of either that are justified. That really does bother me to think that me not wanting to tell my family that he couldn’t come to thanksgiving because he’s in withdrawals, is essentially enabling him. I didn’t get angry, I handled it with “kindness” and went about my day and yet, I’m enabling him. Why doesn’t he just leave, go do his drugs and go do what ever it is he feels he needs. Why does he “stay” and try’s to always make things right or better and he’s so in love and so sorry…He cooks and cleans and is so caring and understanding …yes, when he’s high. Im pretty sure it’s not because he loves me…. What’s the reason?
What to do when you get assaulted? It’s been becoming a habit. When do you call cops or anything to get them out of the house.
You get out of the situation and possibly the relationship. Remove yourself or remove them. Safety always comes first.
ASAP
Thank you, I needed this
My pleasure. So glad it was helpful
Thank you. This is so helpful, Amber!
My pleasure, Jaclyn. I'm really glad you liked it.
God bless u. U r amazing!!!!
Awwww, thanks!
what if you have hurt the person and part of the reason they are being self destructive is because of you?
Hi MP, I think you do your best to make amends, but you can't continue to make bad decisions out of guilt. Here's a video on self forgiveness that might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/fTAfVteWF3U/видео.html
My gf of 6 years has been enabling her twenty year old son and just can't see it. I am almost ready to walk away. He hates me and sees me as a threat to his comfy lifestyle, I tell it as it is. He is abusive to myself, his mother and grandmother with absolutely no consequence. He has threatened suicide, in my view it's an empty threat. His behaviour is impacting his two younger siblings, 14 and 8 to boys. The 8 year old adores him and can see no wrong. There father was a long term drug abuser and controller who died of a butane gas overdose 5 years ago, this I think is the reason she enables him, through her own emotional damage.
He doesn't work, stays up throughout the night, sleeps by day and vice versa. He is not interested in anything outside of his bedroom. He says he hates the way he looks, ( good looking lad )? He refuses any help whatsoever, he refuses self help books, refuses to see a future. He has no life. His father never took any of them on holiday and as my gf says, he had a hostile relationship with himself. What can I do???
Gotta give him a reason to once again look forward to life 👍
He sounds depressed, probably anxious too and quite possibly traumatized. Good place to start with a doctor yall trust
😢pray that she gives him a 30 day notice
You guys can get medical coverage and start with an appt to his primary care doctor. Encourage a referral to mental health and start with a psychiatrist and grief counseling. He’s still young, there is hope.
I have been such an enabler, but I’m trying so hard to cut it out!
You got this Rhonda. If you haven't already... Take a look at my playlist on enabling. I think it might help.
@@PutTheShovelDown I have been, thanks so much
What about the scenario of when that adult addiction is the single parent of a small child?
3:13 fuuudge so refinancing debt into my rental property wasn’t the move, probably not any of the times ewww truth.. sigh
Ahh yes the classic routine of the wife calling the boss saying "He can't come to work because he has the flu"
Totally classic!
Thank you so much.
My pleasure!
@Amber. Thank you.
My pleasure, Steve!
How do I know if I am still enabling if they have ADHD and other health issues?
Great Question Erica. My general rule of thumb on this topic is..... If you're working harder than they're working, then you're probably enabling.
@@PutTheShovelDown ok so I am DEFIINTELY doing the emotional enabling :( glad i know now!
My son is in jail again...should I send him money for calls?
No. Nothing .. let him sit and serve his time and don’t enable , it works , I’ve done it
Just what I said yesterday,
Self defense
Nailed me.
😁😁😁😁
Video Gaming and how it makes corpses of the living, the title I imagine for when you create the video gaming series or video games = meth or video gaming partner RUN like it’s Meth.. just idears Ty for your content
*Responsibilities
How do I book an appointment
hank you so much for your interest. Here's a link to learn about booking sessions with our team: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
Enablers probably do so cause they dont want to come to terms with their own self destructive behaviour and use it as an excuse not to fix themselves.
This is really non specific. Try giving examples at least. Or stuff TO DEFINITELY NOT DO.
I agree
tx
YW!
🧡
You are allowing them into making you the bad guy…..hmmmmm,yup😏🇺🇸
in other words simping
what is simping?
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊