If I’ve moved Separated from my addicted husband and made the mistake of being a Jerk and talking about the drug whenever I got angry..while we were still living together.What I do about these 3 mistakes.Ive left him.We did well hanging out but he as still using.Want to help and stay married.
Christina Taylor hi Christina, first you should NOT call yourself a jerk. Your reactions where completely normal and valid. It sounds like you drew a boundary for yourself that needed to happen. Now that you’ve got a little distance you can make some strategic decisions on how to proceed. I’m recommending 3 things for you to do next. 1. Watch my series on manipulation. You’re definitely encountering a lot of manipulation tactics! 2. Watch my videos on the CRAFT approach. 3. If that sounds like the right approach for you, then consider enrolling in our Invisible Intervention program . It gives you the step by step for how to intervene with a loved one (even when they’re in denial). Hope that helps😊. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re only human and have feelings too.
I am in recovery and I got kicked out of my parents home, at the time I was really pissed off. when i was ready to be clean and I was pregnant I was able to move back home. I was told I had to get a job or go to school in order to live there. And it was the best thing for me. I now have my Masters degree in social work and I'm a therapist.
My mother always told me that picking a marriage partner is one of the most influential decisions in your life. The right partner makes your life blissful but the wrong partner makes your life totally hellish.
I've been going through this for 20 years with my daughter. I'm finally at the point that I don't want her here. I've been a prisoner in my own home when she is here. I took her to detox last Tuesday & she is getting out tomorrow but, I'm sticking to making her go to a halfway house. I'm raising her 5 year old daughter & she doesn't need to see this. I feel bad for my daughter but, I cant go through the stress anymore. After 20 years I'm done & it's sad.
you must stay strong on your decision. don't doubt it. you made the right decision. being kicked out of the house is a natural consequence of their poor actions and choices. you did not put her out, instead, your daughter lost her chance to be with you and your grand-daughter because of her irresponsible choices.
You sound just like me, I don’t know where he is but it’s been 18 yrs and I can’t take it anymore. The lies, broken promises, disrespect, and destroying my home, losing jobs, driving intoxicated, and watching him come in under the influence and destroy himself and everyone around him, I can’t take anymore. Now I worry all day and night wondering if he’s dead or alive, starving, etc. He is going to lose everything, I don’t know how he can survive like this, with ADHD that is not under control even though he’s tried meds. I’m scared everyday for his life and not knowing exactly how to handle this all. 🥹
I had an appointment with my counsellor yesterday who specializes in addiction and he told me absolutely to never, ever allow my son (24 years) back in my home, or my sisters home. He said my son will NEVER get better if I keep allowing him to come back home. My son is currently in 90 day rehab for his second time and before he went I told him that we can no longer live together for my own peace and serenity. My son agrees with this too. I am just hopeful that my son will stay in sober living after rehab for a very long time and that he never calls me in a drunken state begging me to pick him up. The counsellor is trying really hard to prepare me for this call and he is adamant that I need to tell my son "no", no matter what. He told me that when his parents told him that he was on his own and he needed to solve his own drinking issues that is what helped him get sober. My counsellor has had 25 years of sobriety, and he said his parents set and held the boundary when he was 21.
After being called a C*nt and a B**ch, because I didn't want to hand my phone over to a 20 yr old. He was moved out. I refused to have someone yell b**ch in my face. Breaks my heart, but needed to be done. Everyone was on yellow alert waiting for the next rage-out. No regrets.
My addict lock herself in the family room , and l can not get her out of the house, she assaulted me and l wanted to phone cops, what do the cops do, they don’t take to violent person to the hospital,what do the cops do?
Personal feel like I am in a living hell. Every minute I look at him I want to scream or run. Every word is a lie and he has no intention of changing. He thinks saying I have love for you will keep me.
Thank you Thank you thank you this makes so much sense! And thank you for acknowledging how hard it is for a parent to make your kid leave! Everyone else just loves throwing out advice to kick them out!!!
My pleasure Wendy! Glad you liked it😊 You're right, so many people act like it's so simple to kick your kid out. It's one of the hardest things a parent can go through.
I asked my girlfriend of 10 years to leave a couple of months ago. it was one of the hardest things ive ever done as when she was sober she was one of the sweetest girls ive ever met and i love her dearly. when we were in lockdown things kind of stabilised, but here in the uk we came out of restrictions in the summer, since then the drinking has really ramped up again. i arranged a birthday party for my girlfriend and at the end of the night i saw her been carried out the venue by two friends. this really shocked me as i felt i had sort of made headway but in truth she didnt have the network to enable the drinking during lockdown. I am just so fearful of the consequences of this behaviour long term and for my own sanity i had to draw a line under the situation. I basically said it was me or the bottle, she chose the bottle. Im really struggling if this was the correct course of action with a loved one and fear an escalation without my help. she seems to feed into a negative feedback loop where she drinks, feels depressed in the week and then drinks again to relieve the anxiety. ive watched a few of your videos and would like to thank you helping me gain some perspective to this issue.
My partner of 13 years just won't get help. He's an alcoholic, and he always says "tomorrow" he'll start meetings. "Tomorrow" he'll stop the drinking. "Tomorrow" he'll choose me over the drinking. But "tomorrow" never comes. And even if it does happen to come at this point, Idk it wd help anymore. Yesterday was the first time that I simply didn't care abt how he felt. He was hungry and I refused to make him food bc I simply didn't care if he was hungry or not. I didn't care abt the rash he has. I just didn't care, for the first time. I wasn't as angry as usual. I was just sad and hopeless. I feel sick to my stomach. He makes me physically ill. I swear he's going to give me ulcers. If I end things, it'll hurt, but I'll heal. And I'll be happier in the end. Whereas if I continue to live the way I am, I'll just always be unhappy. Unloved. Hopeless and miserable. Ugh, I'm sorry, I'm just venting...
Yes. I told him he has to leave. He's got 2 days to find a friend. Done with the abuse, the drunk aggressive behavior, the lieing, and him sneaking pain pills. Not allowed in this house anymore!
Our adult son has been in and out of rehabs for 8 years. His last relapse was a matter of life and death. We took him in 10 weeks ago. He has stayed clean and he is beginning to deal with his responsibilities. It has not been easy. The first step is sobriety, but then comes the “expectations” on both sides. These videos have really helped. I would appreciate someone to talk to about this.
Hi Nannette, Thanks for watching and for the positive feedback. We do have a Free FB support group for families. If you're not already a member, you might find it to be really helpful. Here's a link to it. facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport If you need some more specific help you might consider making an appointment for a phone consultation with our parent specialist Campbell Manning. Here's a link to learn more about that option as well. the-invisible-intervention.mykajabi.com/offers/TGekegN3
I’ve dated an addict for the past four years off and on, and recently after the past four months of giving her an ultimatum to go to rehab or find a new place to use, she didn’t choose to go to rehab unfortunately. This isn’t the first time I’ve given her this ultimatum, are the first time we’ve broken up, but this has been the most stressful and heaviest points of her drug use. If you’re trying to raise kids and someone is actively using drugs like heroin or meth, then it is extremely hard to focus on the priorities of the children, and your career while keeping everything together and still dealing with someone like that in the home. Every instance is different, but there always comes a point where your priorities will be clear if you are not a drug user yourself or alcoholic yourself, these people will drain the life out of you.
I have been with my husband for 10 years. I have done it all, from threats to ultimatums to kicking him out as a way to "scare him" and hope he will change. He didn't change. I am asking him to leave now because I just want peace for myself and my child. I want to be free.
HI Amber, I appreciate your insight and you are spot on. On the advice of addiction counsellors, I kicked my son out and, as you correctly point out, his addiction got worse. He became addicted to opiates to deal with the pain of being kicked out and now he has trauma over the possibility of being kicked out again. I feel our relationship has suffered. I'm grateful for your videos.
After my son returned he was so physically in horrible shape. I let him return because he said he would go to a rehab but once home he said he would not go. I tried so hard, the choice I made was bad. I need to try and find support because I’m in grief.
This made more sense than what I’ve heard before. Usually the talk is about boundaries. The one thing that stood out to me is NOT to throw them out because You think IT WILL MAKE THEM CHANGE. That’s a real key and asking if it is disruptive to your household. Of course it is but I am grandma with two grandsons who live with me. The one with the addictive behavior goes up and down- lately sliding down and has been to rehab many times. He always does ok for a time. But you are right about the family dynamics that I call familiar spirits. I like that you are not giving any pat answer. But giving the person a choice is also key when it seems all rules are broken. Yet, I know that change has to come soon.
I had a similar situation, I laid the rules out for the household, one rule was coming home at a reasonable hour and not causing a scene when they arrived. Well, he failed to remember this and when he came to my house at almost 1 in the morning, I remained poised in my decision to not fold. I did not take any of their calls and was at peace with whatever was going to happen to him if the cops were called (he was banging on my door so hard to let him in). He eventually got the message and left. I spent my prior days being embarrassed of how neighbors viewed me, I even made up lies when family members smelled the alcohol on his breath. Setting boundaries and sticking to them helped me finally get my life back! This was a tough decision and I felt so bad not allowing him in the house, but I could no longer live with the disrespect and the chaos that he bought to my house while under the influence. Remember that they will promise you everything, including getting help but they have to want it!! This person was toying with my emotions, and although I know he was hurting, I also knew I could not help him with this addiction. I wanted to believe that he would change, and there is still hope for him to change, but now I am focusing on me. I cannot force or “Will” someone to get or remain clean, and with that, I have made my peace with this matter. Stay strong, and remember to take care of yourself first!!
Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. It's so helpful to hear from others going through this. I think the key for you was really being ready to hold that limit once you set it. So many times, we set limits, but really aren't prepared to back them up. You have to be ready to hold your ground and you were!
I have been dealing with my partners addiction for about 5 years. We have young children. I feel like I have had no choice but to ask him leave (several times per month) due to his meth and alcohol abuse. At this point in our lives, he is gone more than he is home. During his use, me and my children go through hell if he is here. Extreme paranoia, verbal abuse, crazy accusations, stealing, lying, cheating, etc (just pure hell) so instead of my children continually being exposed to it and the fact that my household loses too much financially due to the issue, he is not allowed to be here during that time. He is aggressive but not exactly violent however he is verbally abusive. I am at the point that I have accepted my life will always be this way until he dies or until me and my kiddos can emotionally move on. He is not willing to truly change and get help. Its very difficult for everyone.
Wow. When you said "My life will be this way until he dies or me and my kids move on". That's the exact same way i feel. God forbid it. We don't want them to die. But I know exactly how you feel. Im finally choosing to move on, kick him out amd get a divorce.
I just started watching your videos and just wish I found u sooner. I would have been able to make better choices with my son and his addiction problem. Him being in the house was hard but him being out of the house is even harder for me.
I filed eviction twice on my ex boyfriend. There was almost a third but I got him out!!! I miss him very much when he’s sober. Four years of BS. Drunk he was a monster. He’s already with another woman to try to live off her.
You are so right about the reason to kick out that makes sense and work. Basically to protect the family from the chaos and preserve the family needs. I didn’t have the words for it until you said it but this last time we kicked out our 21 year old son it has stuck and felt right - not good never feels good - but right Bc my husband and I came to the point that we knew we couldn’t live like this. It was less motivated by anger like it had been in the past. Kicking him out is not even about trying to get him to face reality, grow up etc. it’s truly about preserving peace in our home. I read the book beyond addiction three years ago and have been searching g for more information on CRAFT and came across your RUclips channel. I’d love to know how to find counselors locally where I live that I can talk to. I’ve gone to therapy but she specializes in family systems therapy and not really an addiction counselor. It’s hard to find anything beyond 12 step programs. Anyhow love your videos. Thank you. .
Hi Daphne, I like that you mentioned that you and your husband came to the decision to gather. It's so important for both parents to be on the same page!!! I'm not exactly sure how to find a counselor locally who uses CRAFT method. You're right about most everything being 100% 12 step based. You may want to consider becoming a member of our Family Recovery Academy. I teach a lot about the CRAFT method in that program and also other motivational techniques. If you ever feel like you need some phone coaching you're more than welcome to schedule a phone coaching session with one of our family counselors. We're all trained in these methods. Here's link to learn more about the Family Recovery Academy in case you're interested. www.invisibleintervention.com/invisible-intervention-online-course-sign-up/
My suggestion: Check out it there an addiction/recovery center in your town or nearby. Call or go there re: finding a therapist who deals with addiction. That’s how I found ours and it has made a huge difference in dealing/handling the issues with our daughter. Prayers your way! ❤️
If you stay together with a person who talks harshly to you when they are under the influence, you are mostly just showing your children how nasty and mean two parents can be to each other. They need better role models in their life.
Yes but if you kick out your alcoholic spouse and their drinking spirals down because they no longer have anyone to hide it from and their lives are ruined, how is that helping the child?
@@stephaniew4168 This example may or may not help. One of my best friends was deciding whether to divorce her husband and move out of the house with the help of a counselor. She told the counselor after several therapy sessions that she really wanted to move out but she was worried about the family dog. "If I move out, who will be there to protect the dog from harsh treatment?" The counselor said "Based on what you have told me so far, you should go ahead and move out without worrying about the dog. You should make the firm, hard nosed decision that your sanity is more important than the dog's. " And so she moved out and no harm was done to the dog.
Separation was the best thing for my wife and I. The alcohol was too much of a poison in our marriage. I was lucky that she left without any pushback. That was 2 years ago. In the meantime I'm still trying to figure out what I can do to help with this situation
You are so smart Amber, and so spot on about bringing your young adult home after treatment!! I hope your wisdom is rubbing off on me, but I continually struggling with being in the bad guy roll, ugh!! 🙃
It’s simple if it’s a husband or wife they’re old enough to know what’s right and wrong if you tell them that they have to get help and they don’t want to , then it’s time for them to go !! There shouldn’t be no waiting or thinking 🤔 maybe one day they would change and all they’re doing is getting high , lying, stealing being pathetic in front of you , small children, your family and friends, that thinking but I just feel sorry for him or her has got to go!! You and your kids and your sanity comes first period.. don’t drive yourself nuts for no one ☝️, if they want to keep getting high and doing bullsht behind your back you hav got to give them the boot 👢, what they do out there is their choice they chose that lifestyle. Because there is help no excuses..
I see where you're coming from, but this back and forth thinking, driving yourself crazy with whether you should stay or go, etc. It comes from Codependency. Codependency will really mess up your thought processes and emotions. You think you're responsible for them and their actions. It takes work to get over that thought process.
I see this video was made 3 years ago so i hope you see this Amber as i find your videos so good in a time when i feel so lost. My heart is broken and I m trying to be strong enough to do this with a loved one and im beyond anxious and terrified of the outcome.
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you so much 🙏I am watching all your videos and they give me some strength and have taken away the horrible thoughts of am I the problem? Am I doing everything wrong? I see so much potential and good in the person who just can't see it in themselves and I know now the only way forward is to make some very difficult choices. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💜
My physically disabled sister is an alcoholic and went to the hospital after throwing up blood. She steals, lies, makes everyone's life miserable. She's getting discharged today and we decided it's the streets or rehab and I'm struggling with that decision given her disability.
Yes as a person who lives in MO I have heard that it is possible to have a child declared "incorrigible" because supposedly the child does not have the ability to learn and remember the difference between wrong and right. Trivial fact: I think Babe Ruth was declared "incorrigible" by his parents. And then finally he channelled all that energy into baseball instead of into vandalism and became a famous pro athlete.
If they don't have the intention of stopping then letting them stay is definitely enabling and yeah they may escalate which will take them to the bottom and cause them to seek help or they can live with you and continue using for 10 years and destroy their bodies and your mental health long term. I left because he refused to and my mental health was at risk and the mental health of my daughter.
Hi Amber. I’m in this exact position at the moment. Sadly, I had to tell my husband to leave last Monday, because I found empty bottles hidden around the house and realised £1000 stolen. He owes a lot of money to drug dealers and has substantial amounts of debt. He was meant to have started recovery but was still drinking and using drugs behind my back. He is now sleeping in his car and still going to work (barely). It has become unbearable to live under the same roof as him, because of all his lies and deceit. We also have two daughters aged 10 and 8, so it’s a horrible way to live. He keeps contacting me, making me feel guilty, wants me to feel sorry for him, telling me how bad his physical health feels and he’s not eating or sleeping. I feel like I’m trapped, because I feel bad for him but I know I can’t live like this while he’s in addiction. Is there any advice you can give me please?
Hi Jin, I'm really sorry you're in such a difficult (no win) type of situation. We have a FREE FB group for families that you might find helpful. Here's the link, in case you're interested. facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
Girl I'm in the exact same situation! I'm getting a divorce! And changed my locks! My husband ALWAYS guilt trips me and tries to get me to help him. He's totalled one of my cars and crashed my other more than 6 times! Just this year!! He did drugs in the home. When He's broke and desperate he'll take money out of my wallet or find my savings box and take from my savings. Ive had to hide it in different places because of this. He always makes me feel like i HAVE to help him and like Im the only one who can help him and wears me down. He owes me $600 from him crashing my car, being broke, and needing to buy parts to fix it! I'm not expecting to get paid. He's gotten fired from his job. He treats the car like crap so he cant even go to his new job, so he's gonna get fired from there too. He's lazy. If He's not high he can't function. He will sit in the car and listen to music for hours every day wasting time. He wont take regular showers. I don't even use the car anymore because he decided it's his now. And now that its crashed and all messed up not even he can use it. Im scared to buy myself a new car for myself and my son because he probably would take that one too.
You know what you can handle and can not handle. I'm super stressed out my hair is falling out and i have a son with disabilities. It feels like i have to take care of my 3 year old and another 27 year old big baby. I can't do this anymore. I've been with him for almost 4 years and they have been stressful the whole time. Im hoping to be freed from his taking advantage, manipulation, and stress by kicking him out finally and getting a divorce. The divorce is more because i don't want to be responsible for all his debt if he were to die. God forbid, but with all the car accidents he gets in and the drugs i feel that's how he's going to die.
I also felt I needed to ask my husband to leave.We had come to a decision for us to seperate then our town was flooded.There are almost no rentals available and thousands of people are homeless.Many are living in caravans or tents or the shell of what is left of their houses.Most of the motels also were flooded and majority of the businesses.This is why he stayed for another three months and even brought two friends who lost their home to stay with us.He is now living out of his car and office.He blames me for kicking him out but I remind myself he can make different choices and it's now up to him.We have two teenage children at home and a 20 year old studying and living away. Now I have to set boundaries for the two friends of his that are still trying to repair their home but who aren't taking the hint to go.It's a mess but I can get through this by moving forward with taking care of me and my kids.I try to remind myself that any guilt he trys to put on me is so he can avoid his own.
You mainly addressed drug addition involving an adolescent. My daughters husband needs to go because he’s at home a lot, drunk and watching my seven year old grandson. Pool in the backyard. My daughter is working, my son in law is a pilot with a unpredictable work schedule. He is not wanting to get well at this point. I’m praying and watching things get worse as time goes along. There are also two teenage girls in the house. They have summer jobs. It’s awkward to ask them to watch their younger brother while dad’s right there. No one is getting help. I’m looking into this.
Thank you so much for this video. It helped me to decide to break it off with my addict boyfriend for good, unless he shows significant effort towards recovery. (which I highly doubt) I don't want to have to deal with these shit in a marriage.
@@PutTheShovelDown The fact that there likely will be a messy divorce if the relationship continues and we ended up getting married. I am brought up in an environment that there is simply no drugs. I have never even seen weed until I came to North America. My culture itself is strongly against drugs of any types. My ex is different in the sense that he started smoking weed since 11 and he is now 36. When we first met he was clean for 5 years and never told me he was addicted to it prior. A year ago he relapsed and that's when I found out he's a recovering addict. He promised to quit and made it sound like he's on it and everything will be good in a month or so. I trusted him and left him to it. Then We started having a lot of relationship problems and holy shit he has become so unstable, unreasonable and blamed me for everything. At first I thought they are just relationship problems, realized some of my own issues and worked on them, then he still blames me for everything and it became obvious to me, it was not my fault and he is being unreasonable and even emotionally abusive. I started doing research into addiction and now realizing I totally underestimated the whole addiction thing. Our issues likely are normal relationship problems exaggerated by drug abuse and he is using the blame game to avoid having to face his own demons. Basically blaming on me, blaming we are not compatible, blaming everything so he doesn't have to quit. Basically, he's incapable of solving basic relationship issues, or even perform like a normal boyfriend in a relationship. I love him but now fully realizing the extend of the drama I will be facing in my life if I stay with him, I don't think I want that in my life.
Great insight about the relationship problems being exaggerated by the drug problem. Your right on target. Have you seen my other videos on manipulation tactics?
@@PutTheShovelDown you shall ask which one I haven't seen LOL. To be honest, the more I know about it, the more I find the situation unsolvable. Two reasons: 1. he doesn't want to solve it, or doesn't have the will to change it; 2. I can have a pretty good life myself without him, if not much better. it breaks my heart, but I can't invest my entire life on someone who doesn't want to change.
@@PutTheShovelDown Like we had an arrangement of me visiting him once a week and no contact in between (because he's too overwhelmed to replay to texts apparently). Then when we meet, at first it was good, then he started snapping at me and getting angry easily in general, even at very normal things I said. Then blamed me for them. How can I live like that? We can't even hang out normally anymore.
I took my alcoholic dad in after my youngest sister moved out because he was self neglecting and his house got in deplorable condition. While living with me, he did well at first. But gradually he fell into the same bad habits and started drinking again. It became heavy. He quit his job of 36 years. He started blowing through his savings. He started self neglecting. He was not cleaning up after himself. It was very bothersome to the whole family. I finally told him to either go to rehab or move back home. He refused rehab. So I moved him back home against his will. He has been severely depressed ever since and drank more and more. He's begged over and over to come back. He just got out of the hospital, and he's begging me not to take him back home. My heart is torn into pieces. I love him and just want him sober, happy, and healthy. It's so hard to be the parent to your parent. I would appreciate any advice or recommendations.
Tell him if he wants to come back to watch the stop drinking expert Alcohol lied to me. There must be charges Be firm. Sel pity is a form of manipulation.
When you think of a boundary I want you to think of a fence now a fence is a boundary but it’s a boundary that keeps people out but when you’re in a relationship you don’t want to keep your partner out because there are things you need from your partner but you cannot just take what you need or want at any time or they won’t trust you so the way that you get your needs met in the relationship because you asked what you need or want with your partner and the two of you work together to meet each other‘s needs and wants and by working together everybody gets what they need and want nobody feels violated so the trust grow stronger and the love grow stronger
maybe you can't legally throw them out, but if you're at that point, they may have done some stuff to you that's totally illegal; whether it's stealing from you, breaking your stuff (vandalism), threatening you, physical abuse, etc. Having them arrested will at least get them out for the immediate moment- in my experience, it's easier to keep them out than get them out.Also, if they're using illegal drugs, you can play that card; either with the cops, or by straight up threatening them with the cops if they don't voluntarily leave.Of course, you have to be strong enough to play that card....it all depends on how badly you want them out. Also, depending on where you live, (has happened to me, with me being the one getting booted), the cops will often tell them "it's a civil matter, you'll have to take them (home owner or true tenant) to court. They'll offer to stay and "keep the peace" while they collect their things. Also, if you can catch them while they're out of the house, and change the locks, you can claim to the cops that they moved out voluntarily, weeks or days ago, and left their things behind because, well, they're all f--ked up.Then it's a he-said/she-said, and the cops will usually side with you, since it's your house and you're not acting all cuckoo.And in my state, if they're renting a room or couch-surfing, it's only a two-week notice instead of 30 days
I left my life in boyfriend and went to my mothers and he offered to leave where we are living. I just broke up with him two days ago. I have a 5 year old son with Autism and I cannot take the abuse my alcoholic boyfriend put me through anymore.
Amber I'm having trouble with a loved one who is addicted to something that makes him see things and I was hoping if you can a video on how to deal with this
I had to kick my son (25 ) out about 10 days ago. I have been through a lot of trauma in my lifetime, but doing that was The hardest thing emotionally that I've ever had to do in my lifetime. He was assaulted a week ago today. Someone hit him with bear spray and a cop called me asking for a coat and a few things for him. After the cop left my son sat against a fence about 40' from my balcony. He was a mess. He had a shopping cart full of his things and was in and out of consciousness for a few hours. I finally went out with something for him to eat and a cold bottle of water and a few other items. I asked him if he's had enough yet and he began defending his use again and blaming me for all his troubles. It was unbearable living under the same roof. He trashed my place nightly after I'd go to bed. So much so that I couldn't get around in my wheelchair ( I lost my leg in 2018 )to even go to the bathroom. If I did make it in I'd take my life in my hands just trying to get to the toilet. He told me he has received death threats from a gang, the same gang that cut off his pinky finger last winter. But I told myself that this time I will hold firm because I've always let him back in. The last thing I said to him before I came back in was, I love you son. I continued to watch him and he finally did get up and loaded his things back into the shopping cart. He looked so lonely and alone. He never looked back when he left and I've never cried harder in all my life. I was a total wreck. Laying on the floor in the living room in a ball crying so hard I could barely breath. The memory of that night one week ago haunts me day and night. I haven't seen him since. He always comes back at some point looking to get some things from here and I began looking for him. No one has seen him at all since that night. Every time I look out my balcony window I see him pushing that shopping cart. Tears have started rolling down my face again as I type this. I'm beyond worried, I'm scared that he's been hurt. Heck I even called all the hospitals in town last night. He's not in any of them. Did I make a mistake ? I guess it's yet to be determined. It got to the point where he was threatning me physical violence and he had begun tormenting me daily. Sometimes I wonder if I should have put up with it longer, but when I really think about it, I couldn't do it anymore.I pray day and night that he is ok. Off drugs he is the nicest most generous,kind, and has a heart of gold. The drug has turned him into the complete opposite.I think tough love hurts the parent more than the kid because I cry daily. I don't think I made the wrong decision, but I guess that I'll find out down the road sometime. Right now I just need to know if he is ok. Thank you for this and all other video's you've put out there. They do help me.
Dave... I know how you feel. I kicked my daughter out 2 wks ago and really have no idea how she is. What's the update on your son? Praying for you and your son. May God give you peace and your son healing.
I am in the same boat. I had to legally evict my adult son (37). It took Lawyers and judges. (Florida) He is a wonderful loving man when sober. He began using meth and threatened my life to the point I had to move out of my own home. He refused to leave hence the lawyers. While I was gone begging for help from the law he threw away my most sentimental, prize possessions. Meanwhile blaming me for all his problems. He has been in detox twice and jail once since he left. My motherly love wants to fix everything. My logic tells me I can’t. I cry everyday wondering where he is and if he is okay. This has really taken courage. But it’s also taken a toll on my health, life, finances, energy etc. I question each day if I did the right thing. I’m gonna stick with “yes”. I had to stop the madness. And I had to remain safe. I miss my son and I love him. Somehow I have to find a way to not cry every day.
@@loricocks3054 Hi Lori. I know your pain all too well. I did the same but with my 21 yr old daughter. I have no idea how she's doing, etc and it eats me alive daily. What I finally realized is...I really have no control. It's hard to admit it, but we don't. They're adults now. I told her I loved her and I'd be there for her when she was ready to change. You nor I can win this war, but God can. Until then...it's Gods battle. God bless.
You did the right thing live your life. I'm going through the same thing. I fear for my life from my 31yo addict son. I'm on the hook for $35, 000 bond from bailing him out. I'm 56. Do you think he will go to court, no. My fault. Screw him. I'm not walking his life anymore. Not my fault. Be strong, fo things, be with people be happy. Please. Do it for yourself. He really doesnt care.
Put The Shovel Down No special topic now. I’m thankful how you explain simply and clearly how this affects everyone and understanding what the addict is also going through mentally and emotionally. I’m trying to catch up on all your videos.
He was sober 8 months but since January been relapsing every two weeks not as simple as kicking him out as he turns up at my door drunker and drunker a down and out alcoholic things get much worse for me when he is homeless the police don’t help so risk of eviction for me because of the chaos he causes 😫 just doing my best to do strategies to contain relapses as much as possible
What about when you feel you need to go because you don't feel safe in your effects (personal items, medications etc)? When you have to keep things like your wallet with you and your meds with you 24/7, and other issues of trust? I don't feel physically threatened at all, just stuck mentally and exhausted.
You're right on target! That's definitely a good reason to set that boundary because it's about you and NOT about trying to get them to do or not do anything. Boundaries should always be for yourself (not for another person). You hit the nail on the head 🔨😃
Went thru this with spouse for four years i was one working providing to come home to her drunk , she recently went to rehab some place that places five or six women into a apartment provides there food no rent they had counseling but now shes come home started drinking again in first week, talks about how she misses that place dont have to work hang out by pool with other addicts be taken to sports events, this center stopped the drinking but now seems like i have a additional problem beside the alcohol, have tried everything i know to do for years now , is it time for me to value myself pick up pieces and move on?
I wish I had seen this video two weeks ago. I kicked my daughter out in a moment of anger because I caught her doing drugs again in our home after she just finished months and months of intensive residential rehab. I was furious when I caught her because she lied straight to my face when I confronted her. I kicked her out immediately and have not heard from her in two weeks. I don't know if I should call her invite her back or not? I feel like I should have given her a set of rules to abide by and that if she broke them then it was her choice. I am completely torn on what to do...
My name is mikala. I am recovering addict. My husband still uses and brings the drug where we sleep. The hardest thing is it kills me to see and smell the one drug I am recovering from. I told him he needs help and his work can understand. But I had to ask him to leave late one night bcuz I woke up and heard someone lighting a lighter in the bathroom. He was there using in our bathroom. He knows how makes me feel. I told him if he stays here, he needs to get help and respect my sobriety. He works for his habit. He doesn't help pay for anything. I feel bad rn but I can't keep hiding my wallet and money. I'm always paranoid he is gonna steal money from me again.
@@PutTheShovelDown yep. Its mikala. Sorry my son used my email for the longest time and idk how to change my name. Hardest thing I been through. He always tells me tomorrow I'll get help but in reality tomorrow never comes and it won't.
Hey amber my dad has a family friend staying at our house. He makes me so uncomfortable and I've tried telling my dad about it but he won't listen because the guy doesn't have anywhere to go. Last night the guy ODed in the bathroom and I had to call the ambulance, it was traumatic for me. He's alive and back at the house- now I just really want him out. How can I convince my dad?
Wow, I can see where you're coming from with your concerns, Kati! I'm not sure I can answer your question though, because there are too many variables. How old are you? Is you mom there as well? Why is your dad so committed to keeping him there, etc...
My 24 year old son has suffered with addiction for 5 or 6 years. There are other adults in his life that are enabling him in different ways including allowing him to live rent free without consequence in their homes off and on for years. I am wondering is it fair in this situation to say you can’t stay here if you aren’t getting treatment?
My sister kicked my brother out after years of alcohol problems I used to live there with my children whom would witness all his behavior. He would eat every ones food and still from every one until she went to court and put a restraining order. Cops came today and escorted him out. He send some of is siblings a message saying he will no longer struggle with him and that he will no longer be here. It has been going on for about 15 years my sister says enough is enough. My parents gave him alcohol every time we tried to keep it away from him. They would tell him one beer wouldn't hurt him. I love him so much and I don't know how else to help him. I have sent him to rehab and other programs but nothing seems to help. I do know is his choice and that there is only so much I can do but him being in this situation hurts
I've never been involved in this with any addict. I would say that if personal safety is an issue, it is hard to get someone out unless you get a protection order. I did have experience with that, and it was very hard to do.
How do you manage to make a video on a topic that completely applies to me at the time? I'm the wife of a meth addict and I'm trying to decide if I'm able to stay in this situation much longer. This is so tough.
You must have been sending me signals or something😲 because the topic literally just occurred to me yesterday evening, so I decided to hop on LIVE to talk about it. 🤔🙋♂️ I know there is no black and white answer to this issue, but I hope I was able to at least give you some ways to think about the issue.
Feel free to send me signals anytime! I’m always trying to think of topics that will be helpful for people. And, if For some reason not picking up your signal, go ahead and send me a direct message. amber@hffrc.com 😉
I’m in the same boat. When you’re ready you’ll know, and you won’t look back. I don’t think a lot of people just leave and tough it out because it’s too painful. This is unfortunate it seems, but how it often works.
I currently have an alcoholic mother & I’m 18 and i think im at the point where i cant deal with it anymore. Everytime i think about leaving & getting my own place, guilt fills me heads with the thought that if i leave, God forbid but she’d pass away from me not being there to take care of her. My mother is the bestt when shes sober, I love her to death but ive been dealing with this since i was 8. She refuses to go to rehab & sometimes she tries to stop but when she starts up again its an ever lasting cycle. Would it be selfish of me to move out knowing shed be all alone without me ? Shes a functioning alcoholic, that’s what scares me. My dad passed away when i turned 7, & all my siblings are still around but have their own place. Should i move out ?
Hi Danielle, I'm so sorry you're in that situation. I grew up in an addicted house as well. I think you have to move forward with your life. You can still love your mom and be there for her, but you have to take care of yourself too. 💗
I want my him out. He uses and refuses treatment. He doesn't acknowledge he needs help. He refuses to leave and he's betting on the difficulty it'll take to discourage me. It's been 3 years of craziness.
I am living in my mothers house as a single parent. she recently picked my brother up from treatment after he got kicked out, I told her I didn’t agree with him coming and immediately she turned on me and became angry and hostile towards me. She packed up her belongings and drove two hours to get him. The next day after he came back, my brother began using. I live here with my three year old son, and I had set a boundary that was “if you come back, you cannot use while you live here” the boundary was broken, and when I told my mother he needed to leave, she began arguing with me, screaming at me and telling me that I have no compassion. I am the bad guy in everyone’s eyes, and I’m completely trapped and all I want is to raise my kid in a healthy home, but I have nowhere else to go, and don’t make enough money at my job to support myself on my own. I am more angry with her than with my brother. I am more angry that my boundaries weren’t respected by anyone and I have no power in the situation to enforce them. I have tried to talk to my mother but I can’t get through to her, and at this point I feel so guilty that my son is going to grow up in an environment such as this and I can’t do anything about it. I wanted more for him and I feel like I’m failing him every day. he is being exposed to things I have tried so hard to shield him from and I can’t do anything about it. This isn’t about my brother. This is about my son. And my mother doesn’t care.
If you are living in your mother’s house I don’t think you have a say in it even if you are right. You are not disempowered. You can change your own life.
I don't have a child so it was easier for me to leave, but my sibling was making it really uncomfortable to live there. I got a second job and moved out. Now I feel like I abandon my parents to deal with the mess.
I am not fighting with my partner, I’ve been the angry enforcer, the sobbing nag, the relentless detective! My partner is hilarious, kind, but can’t keep normal hours, can’t be relied on, and it’s a daily game show. I’m exhausted. I work 6 days a week, am trying to raise 2 children in the home- and my last husband left me, to father a baby in a different country. So- I’m keeping his addictions a secret. I really like his company and the help he gives around the house ( when not sleeping) but is it wrong that I want sober space and just my kids n I in the house? And how do I say all this without crushing him because he constantly disarms me with his charm lol ? Is there any real hope for recovery without professional help? Do I really have to accept the phone calls n messages from girls he meets at casinos n uses with as “normal “?! I’m not bashing- purely seeking advice and thank you again 👍
Amber Scott it’s not wrong to want sober time with your family and it’s okay to tell him you need that. And definitely you don’t need to be answering calls from girls he meets while drinking. Even though he’s sweet and charming it’s not okay to do those other things. Sometimes addicts/alcoholics bully their way into getting what they want and other times they charm their way into getting what they want, but it’s all manipulation.
I wanted to say wow you are awesome and thank you for giving us family members a platform to be heard. I’m learning through your videos how to take a softer direct-approach and happy to say that in my situation, I believe there is a way to sort this out. I am going to talk to a family counselor, and he has agreed to give me my sober space while at a sober living home. This gives me relief and hope. And did I mention your videos are amazing!?
what can you do if the addict is causing major trauma, but has a major medical issue, (in this case conjestive heart failure , and pulmonary issues)and will certainly die on the streets?
Put the shovel down I kicked my son out when he was 16 he kept bringing drugs into our home when I told him not to and was bringing people into our home when we were at work and not going to school telling lies manipulation etc it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and felt so broken leaving him homeless , I don’t know to this day if it was the right choice to do so as nothing changed if anything I feel like he ended up worse he now deals ! He is now 21 , I feel underlying guilt for the choices he has now made ! I feel defeated and sitting back watching the train wreck wanting my son back, i miss my son the real him not the selfish person behind the drugs
Amber, I have been watching and using your videos in my OTP for a few years. This is the first that I have heard of the CRAFT method for family members. I was thinking that the CRAFT method would be beneficial as an adjunct program in our community, . There are lots of programs for direct services for the person with the addiction but nothing for the families. Is CRAFT copyrighted and I would need special training and/or permission to offer this to families? As always, your thoughts are valued and welcomed. Rob Good, counselor
Thanks, my brother was on the street for the first time, it was very difficult to see, we arranged for him to be in an air b n b for a few nights, I’ve spoken to him since and he is still trying to run from his problems, thinks he just needs to move towns and that he is only drinking because he is in a rubbish state of not having a house and not having a job. Still in denial I guess.
I am suffering right now with an addict. He Denys,lies,makes me feel crazy. He is caught over and over again for using crack/coke. Stays clean for a couple weeks, once I've had enough and lose it, then starts up again...we have children together and a house. I don't know what to do . He's a really good guy deep down but I feel like I am waiting for someone who is gone . It's really causing a lot of chaos in my house my daughter is suffering and I am suffering.
I don't know. The son of my mother cheated on me with the same guy for the 4th time. We spoke at length, this would be the dam breaker for sure, and I am shocked she still did it. I can't handle it, but I love her, but I think she loves him and the drug addiction more than us. She still will not even admit it happened.
Hi Eben, That's really awful. It's a double betrayal. I'm so sorry. NOt sure if you've seen this video yet, but it's about that very topic: ruclips.net/video/-woGGBLs0Bc/видео.html There is another really good RUclips channel called the Marriage Helper that may help you.
My bf and I have been on a rollercoaster with addiction. I have kicked him out a few times. Usually there’s a ,”I’m sorry. I love you. You can come back home.” But this time I do not feel like doing so. I’m trying to stay strong and I Know having an addiction is bad for me because I’ve been in and out of rehabs/ psych wards since I was 14. My bf has an alcohol addiction. I know I enabled him. I have been the bad guy plenty of times. I just kicked him out last night and I don’t want to continue this cycle we have been going through. He won’t seek help and I don’t want to try to fix his problems anymore. All in all, I made the decision for Myself and future. Does this make me selfish?
Fine video. Some of your remarks about disengagement caught my further attention. If I understand you, the full expulsion of the addict would escalate the destructive behavior. This likelihood has a certain appeal. The word we hear so often is that the addict must hit rock-bottom before they seek treatment. Yet, you seem to wanna avoid that, like you are protecting them. This seems inconsistent with other points learned from your channel. As for me, I don't want to make things hard for the addict, but I do not want to make things artificially easier for them. Clarification would be welcome.
Hi Marbanak, I can see where that would be confusing. Basically what I'm saying is... So Many people think that they have to kick someone out so they'll will make the decision to get sober. That's usually not the case. The addiction usually gets worse when kicked out. I'm not saying that you shouldn't kick someone out. I'm just saying that you shouldn't do it because you think it's going to make them get sober. There are other reasons to do it though. (ie: they're making your life terrible, you're tired of supporting them, etc...) It's such a complicated subject.
I have a 36 year old Son that became homeless due to alcohol abuse. I finally let him spend the night and 6 months later he is still here. I am 63 and my life has just gone sideways. He needs to go but I can’t get him out. I have set the boundaries and he just ignores me. Any advice on how to get him out.
My husband won’t leave because he has no job or money and says he’ll be homeless. And if I leave I get stuck paying the rent and bills which I refuse to do. I can’t get off the lease unless he signs too. He’s made me a crazy angry bitter person . How do I get away from him?
I’m kicked out right now. I was sober 2 years and then I relapsed. I am sober now. And I’m scared, have no where to go, and I’m exhausted. My family doesn’t care. I’ve already done the damage and they never want to risk it again. I understand but I don’t know where to go. I’ve done treatment and I just got a full time job which is so hard to keep up sleeping in my car. I need advice
But don’t you agree that if the parent is in danger, all of the addicts anger (42 year olds daughter) is focused on the parent (just the two of them in the house) that they should be removed? In this case the brother came home, found sister was still on drugs (10 years and now on more and worse drugs) and has been threatening Mom. He threw her out
My emotions are out the roof. I just made my ex move out. He would not do nothing and expected me to do everything. I think he has drunk so much he can't walk he can't remember he is always confused and I'm not able to care for him. He stopped drinking while he was here. But he lied to me when he moved In that he was well and could help me. He did do nothing and watched me do everything to care for him. And don't nothing. Please help me I'm feeling very guilty for throwing him Out. I don't know that to do. All I can do is cry. He is 67 and I'm 65 and hurt my back and can't take care of myself at times. I hope is didn't do something wrong.
For more information on how to set boundaries with an addicted loved one, watch this playlist: ruclips.net/p/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV
If I’ve moved Separated from my addicted husband and made the mistake of being a Jerk and talking about the drug whenever I got angry..while we were still living together.What I do about these 3 mistakes.Ive left him.We did well hanging out but he as still using.Want to help and stay married.
Christina Taylor hi Christina, first you should NOT call yourself a jerk. Your reactions where completely normal and valid. It sounds like you drew a boundary for yourself that needed to happen. Now that you’ve got a little distance you can make some strategic decisions on how to proceed. I’m recommending 3 things for you to do next. 1. Watch my series on manipulation. You’re definitely encountering a lot of manipulation tactics! 2. Watch my videos on the CRAFT approach. 3. If that sounds like the right approach for you, then consider enrolling in our Invisible Intervention program . It gives you the step by step for how to intervene with a loved one (even when they’re in denial). Hope that helps😊. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re only human and have feelings too.
I am in recovery and I got kicked out of my parents home, at the time I was really pissed off. when i was ready to be clean and I was pregnant I was able to move back home. I was told I had to get a job or go to school in order to live there. And it was the best thing for me. I now have my Masters degree in social work and I'm a therapist.
I love that story. I'm so glad you told it. We need to hear more stories where people turn their lives around.
@@PutTheShovelDown If anyone wants to reach out to me let me know. I would be more then happy to share my story.
Awesome❤
that is awesome!
God bless you and your family. I pray for my son to become the best version of himself too 🙏🏻
My mother always told me that picking a marriage partner is one of the most influential decisions in your life. The right partner makes your life blissful but the wrong partner makes your life totally hellish.
You're mother is a very wise woman!
Your mother was right!
oh yes...
I've been going through this for 20 years with my daughter. I'm finally at the point that I don't want her here. I've been a prisoner in my own home when she is here. I took her to detox last Tuesday & she is getting out tomorrow but, I'm sticking to making her go to a halfway house. I'm raising her 5 year old daughter & she doesn't need to see this. I feel bad for my daughter but, I cant go through the stress anymore. After 20 years I'm done & it's sad.
Good for you, you need some sanity in your life!
❤
you must stay strong on your decision. don't doubt it. you made the right decision. being kicked out of the house is a natural consequence of their poor actions and choices. you did not put her out, instead, your daughter lost her chance to be with you and your grand-daughter because of her irresponsible choices.
❤
You sound just like me, I don’t know where he is but it’s been 18 yrs and I can’t take it anymore. The lies, broken promises, disrespect, and destroying my home, losing jobs, driving intoxicated, and watching him come in under the influence and destroy himself and everyone around him, I can’t take anymore.
Now I worry all day and night wondering if he’s dead or alive, starving, etc. He is going to lose everything, I don’t know how he can survive like this, with ADHD that is not under control even though he’s tried meds. I’m scared everyday for his life and not knowing exactly how to handle this all. 🥹
I had an appointment with my counsellor yesterday who specializes in addiction and he told me absolutely to never, ever allow my son (24 years) back in my home, or my sisters home. He said my son will NEVER get better if I keep allowing him to come back home. My son is currently in 90 day rehab for his second time and before he went I told him that we can no longer live together for my own peace and serenity. My son agrees with this too. I am just hopeful that my son will stay in sober living after rehab for a very long time and that he never calls me in a drunken state begging me to pick him up. The counsellor is trying really hard to prepare me for this call and he is adamant that I need to tell my son "no", no matter what. He told me that when his parents told him that he was on his own and he needed to solve his own drinking issues that is what helped him get sober. My counsellor has had 25 years of sobriety, and he said his parents set and held the boundary when he was 21.
After being called a C*nt and a B**ch, because I didn't want to hand my phone over to a 20 yr old. He was moved out. I refused to have someone yell b**ch in my face. Breaks my heart, but needed to be done. Everyone was on yellow alert waiting for the next rage-out. No regrets.
That's how they get when you call them out on any of their bad behaviour.
My addict lock herself in the family room , and l can not get her out of the house, she assaulted me and l wanted to phone cops, what do the cops do, they don’t take to violent person to the hospital,what do the cops do?
@@lynyeliga5251sometimes being arrested is a wake up call
Personal feel like I am in a living hell. Every minute I look at him I want to scream or run. Every word is a lie and he has no intention of changing. He thinks saying I have love for you will keep me.
😔😔
Same
Same
same
Same
RUN IT WONT GET BETTER
Thank you Thank you thank you this makes so much sense! And thank you for acknowledging how hard it is for a parent to make your kid leave! Everyone else just loves throwing out advice to kick them out!!!
My pleasure Wendy! Glad you liked it😊 You're right, so many people act like it's so simple to kick your kid out. It's one of the hardest things a parent can go through.
It's not easy to kick them out- but it's even harder to enable the continuation of what nobody wants! I'm going through number two now 😭😤😫
I asked my girlfriend of 10 years to leave a couple of months ago. it was one of the hardest things ive ever done as when she was sober she was one of the sweetest girls ive ever met and i love her dearly. when we were in lockdown things kind of stabilised, but here in the uk we came out of restrictions in the summer, since then the drinking has really ramped up again. i arranged a birthday party for my girlfriend and at the end of the night i saw her been carried out the venue by two friends. this really shocked me as i felt i had sort of made headway but in truth she didnt have the network to enable the drinking during lockdown. I am just so fearful of the consequences of this behaviour long term and for my own sanity i had to draw a line under the situation. I basically said it was me or the bottle, she chose the bottle. Im really struggling if this was the correct course of action with a loved one and fear an escalation without my help. she seems to feed into a negative feedback loop where she drinks, feels depressed in the week and then drinks again to relieve the anxiety. ive watched a few of your videos and would like to thank you helping me gain some perspective to this issue.
You did the right thing; I promise you. You deserve to be with someone who loves and supports you.
My partner of 13 years just won't get help. He's an alcoholic, and he always says "tomorrow" he'll start meetings. "Tomorrow" he'll stop the drinking. "Tomorrow" he'll choose me over the drinking. But "tomorrow" never comes. And even if it does happen to come at this point, Idk it wd help anymore. Yesterday was the first time that I simply didn't care abt how he felt. He was hungry and I refused to make him food bc I simply didn't care if he was hungry or not. I didn't care abt the rash he has. I just didn't care, for the first time. I wasn't as angry as usual. I was just sad and hopeless. I feel sick to my stomach. He makes me physically ill. I swear he's going to give me ulcers. If I end things, it'll hurt, but I'll heal. And I'll be happier in the end. Whereas if I continue to live the way I am, I'll just always be unhappy. Unloved. Hopeless and miserable. Ugh, I'm sorry, I'm just venting...
Please get help with codependency
@jazizgutierrez please get help with your lack of tact and sensitivity
Yes. I told him he has to leave. He's got 2 days to find a friend. Done with the abuse, the drunk aggressive behavior, the lieing, and him sneaking pain pills.
Not allowed in this house anymore!
How did you get on Marie ? x
What happened? I'm dealing with your exact scenario.
My recent ex injured my hip running up behind me. He was drunk & trying to be playful but wasn't careful.
Our adult son has been in and out of rehabs for 8 years. His last relapse was a matter of life and death. We took him in 10 weeks ago. He has stayed clean and he is beginning to deal with his responsibilities.
It has not been easy. The first step is sobriety, but then comes the “expectations” on both sides. These videos have really helped. I would appreciate someone to talk to about this.
Hi Nannette, Thanks for watching and for the positive feedback. We do have a Free FB support group for families. If you're not already a member, you might find it to be really helpful. Here's a link to it. facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
If you need some more specific help you might consider making an appointment for a phone consultation with our parent specialist Campbell Manning. Here's a link to learn more about that option as well. the-invisible-intervention.mykajabi.com/offers/TGekegN3
Alanon a support group for ppl dealing with Alcoholics.
I’ve dated an addict for the past four years off and on, and recently after the past four months of giving her an ultimatum to go to rehab or find a new place to use, she didn’t choose to go to rehab unfortunately. This isn’t the first time I’ve given her this ultimatum, are the first time we’ve broken up, but this has been the most stressful and heaviest points of her drug use. If you’re trying to raise kids and someone is actively using drugs like heroin or meth, then it is extremely hard to focus on the priorities of the children, and your career while keeping everything together and still dealing with someone like that in the home. Every instance is different, but there always comes a point where your priorities will be clear if you are not a drug user yourself or alcoholic yourself, these people will drain the life out of you.
Hang in there
I understand
I had to cut my wife loose divorce due to addiction.
I tried hard as could until I thought it was effecting my own health.
Thank you from the U.K, Have not found anything so insightful and helpful, obviously you truly understand, you are giving me a whole new perspective
Hi mrsy, thank you so much for the kind feedback. It's so exciting to think that people from so far away are finding value from my information!
Thankyou from UK too me a mum with alcohol addicted son so awful
I have been with my husband for 10 years. I have done it all, from threats to ultimatums to kicking him out as a way to "scare him" and hope he will change. He didn't change.
I am asking him to leave now because I just want peace for myself and my child. I want to be free.
Sounds like you finally hit the wall.
@@PutTheShovelDown Yes, I just want to breathe. Thank you for your reply!
Amen! Did you get him out? Its so hard!!
@@theflyestangel YES! I can finally breathe.
I just did the same thing asfte 10 years of marriage. I'm tired of fighting.
HI Amber, I appreciate your insight and you are spot on. On the advice of addiction counsellors, I kicked my son out and, as you correctly point out, his addiction got worse. He became addicted to opiates to deal with the pain of being kicked out and now he has trauma over the possibility of being kicked out again. I feel our relationship has suffered. I'm grateful for your videos.
I think a lot of parents feel pressured to do this.
After my son returned he was so physically in horrible shape. I let him return because he said he would go to a rehab but once home he said he would not go.
I tried so hard, the choice I made was bad. I need to try and find support because I’m in grief.
This made more sense than what I’ve heard before. Usually the talk is about boundaries. The one thing that stood out to me is NOT to throw them out because You think IT WILL MAKE THEM CHANGE.
That’s a real key and asking if it is disruptive to your household. Of course it is but I am grandma with two grandsons who live with me. The one with the addictive behavior goes up and down- lately sliding down and has been to rehab many times.
He always does ok for a time. But you are right about the family dynamics that I call familiar spirits. I like that you are not giving any pat answer. But giving the person a choice is also key when it seems all rules are broken.
Yet, I know that change has to come soon.
I had a similar situation, I laid the rules out for the household, one rule was coming home at a reasonable hour and not causing a scene when they arrived. Well, he failed to remember this and when he came to my house at almost 1 in the morning, I remained poised in my decision to not fold. I did not take any of their calls and was at peace with whatever was going to happen to him if the cops were called (he was banging on my door so hard to let him in). He eventually got the message and left. I spent my prior days being embarrassed of how neighbors viewed me, I even made up lies when family members smelled the alcohol on his breath. Setting boundaries and sticking to them helped me finally get my life back! This was a tough decision and I felt so bad not allowing him in the house, but I could no longer live with the disrespect and the chaos that he bought to my house while under the influence. Remember that they will promise you everything, including getting help but they have to want it!! This person was toying with my emotions, and although I know he was hurting, I also knew I could not help him with this addiction. I wanted to believe that he would change, and there is still hope for him to change, but now I am focusing on me. I cannot force or “Will” someone to get or remain clean, and with that, I have made my peace with this matter. Stay strong, and remember to take care of yourself first!!
Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. It's so helpful to hear from others going through this. I think the key for you was really being ready to hold that limit once you set it. So many times, we set limits, but really aren't prepared to back them up. You have to be ready to hold your ground and you were!
I have been dealing with my partners addiction for about 5 years. We have young children. I feel like I have had no choice but to ask him leave (several times per month) due to his meth and alcohol abuse. At this point in our lives, he is gone more than he is home. During his use, me and my children go through hell if he is here. Extreme paranoia, verbal abuse, crazy accusations, stealing, lying, cheating, etc (just pure hell) so instead of my children continually being exposed to it and the fact that my household loses too much financially due to the issue, he is not allowed to be here during that time. He is aggressive but not exactly violent however he is verbally abusive. I am at the point that I have accepted my life will always be this way until he dies or until me and my kiddos can emotionally move on. He is not willing to truly change and get help. Its very difficult for everyone.
I'm so sorry you're going through that Tina. It's forced you into having to make some hard decisions.
Wow. When you said "My life will be this way until he dies or me and my kids move on". That's the exact same way i feel. God forbid it. We don't want them to die. But I know exactly how you feel. Im finally choosing to move on, kick him out amd get a divorce.
Tina, please Make protecting your children a priority over your spouse. No more taking him back until he gets his life in order
And when he (my adult son)got up and started crying.. packing his stuff, I GIVE IN! So hard!
I just started watching your videos and just wish I found u sooner. I would have been able to make better choices with my son and his addiction problem. Him being in the house was hard but him being out of the house is even harder for me.
Hi Glena, I'm glad you're here now!
I filed eviction twice on my ex boyfriend. There was almost a third but I got him out!!! I miss him very much when he’s sober. Four years of BS. Drunk he was a monster. He’s already with another woman to try to live off her.
Sounds like you finally had enough
You're very strong
I had no idea I could evict my own husband. He won’t leave our apartment because he doesn’t work and nowhere to go.
How do you get them evicted?
What if they won't leave? What if they keep coming back??
You are so right about the reason to kick out that makes sense and work. Basically to protect the family from the chaos and preserve the family needs. I didn’t have the words for it until you said it but this last time we kicked out our 21 year old son it has stuck and felt right - not good never feels good - but right Bc my husband and I came to the point that we knew we couldn’t live like this. It was less motivated by anger like it had been in the past. Kicking him out is not even about trying to get him to face reality, grow up etc. it’s truly about preserving peace in our home. I read the book beyond addiction three years ago and have been searching g for more information on CRAFT and came across your RUclips channel. I’d love to know how to find counselors locally where I live that I can talk to. I’ve gone to therapy but she specializes in family systems therapy and not really an addiction counselor. It’s hard to find anything beyond 12 step programs. Anyhow love your videos. Thank you.
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Hi Daphne, I like that you mentioned that you and your husband came to the decision to gather. It's so important for both parents to be on the same page!!! I'm not exactly sure how to find a counselor locally who uses CRAFT method. You're right about most everything being 100% 12 step based. You may want to consider becoming a member of our Family Recovery Academy. I teach a lot about the CRAFT method in that program and also other motivational techniques. If you ever feel like you need some phone coaching you're more than welcome to schedule a phone coaching session with one of our family counselors. We're all trained in these methods. Here's link to learn more about the Family Recovery Academy in case you're interested. www.invisibleintervention.com/invisible-intervention-online-course-sign-up/
My suggestion: Check out it there an addiction/recovery center in your town or nearby. Call or go there re: finding a therapist who deals with addiction. That’s how I found ours and it has made a huge difference in dealing/handling the issues with our daughter. Prayers your way! ❤️
Girl- I’m really appreciative of you!
Hi Kelly, Thanks for that. You put a big giant smile on my face
If you stay together with a person who talks harshly to you when they are under the influence, you are mostly just showing your children how nasty and mean two parents can be to each other. They need better role models in their life.
Good point Gwin!
Yes but if you kick out your alcoholic spouse and their drinking spirals down because they no longer have anyone to hide it from and their lives are ruined, how is that helping the child?
@@stephaniew4168 There are always loose ends and messy complications. Human situations are complex.
@@gwillis01 Yes they are - I'm in the midst of a mess and struggling to understand what on earth to do!
@@stephaniew4168 This example may or may not help. One of my best friends was deciding whether to divorce her husband and move out of the house with the help of a counselor. She told the counselor after several therapy sessions that she really wanted to move out but she was worried about the family dog. "If I move out, who will be there to protect the dog from harsh treatment?"
The counselor said "Based on what you have told me so far, you should go ahead and move out without worrying about the dog. You should make the firm, hard nosed decision that your sanity is more important than the dog's. " And so she moved out and no harm was done to the dog.
I am so glad I saw this video before I have a talk with my partner.
Separation was the best thing for my wife and I. The alcohol was too much of a poison in our marriage. I was lucky that she left without any pushback. That was 2 years ago. In the meantime I'm still trying to figure out what I can do to help with this situation
You are so smart Amber, and so spot on about bringing your young adult home after treatment!!
I hope your wisdom is rubbing off on me, but I continually struggling with being in the bad guy roll, ugh!! 🙃
It’s simple if it’s a husband or wife they’re old enough to know what’s right and wrong if you tell them that they have to get help and they don’t want to , then it’s time for them to go !! There shouldn’t be no waiting or thinking 🤔 maybe one day they would change and all they’re doing is getting high , lying, stealing being pathetic in front of you , small children, your family and friends, that thinking but I just feel sorry for him or her has got to go!! You and your kids and your sanity comes first period.. don’t drive yourself nuts for no one ☝️, if they want to keep getting high and doing bullsht behind your back you hav got to give them the boot 👢, what they do out there is their choice they chose that lifestyle. Because there is help no excuses..
I see where you're coming from, but this back and forth thinking, driving yourself crazy with whether you should stay or go, etc. It comes from Codependency. Codependency will really mess up your thought processes and emotions. You think you're responsible for them and their actions. It takes work to get over that thought process.
I see this video was made 3 years ago so i hope you see this Amber as i find your videos so good in a time when i feel so lost. My heart is broken and I m trying to be strong enough to do this with a loved one and im beyond anxious and terrified of the outcome.
I see your comment, and I'm glad these videos are helpful in such a dark time. 💓
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you so much 🙏I am watching all your videos and they give me some strength and have taken away the horrible thoughts of am I the problem? Am I doing everything wrong? I see so much potential and good in the person who just can't see it in themselves and I know now the only way forward is to make some very difficult choices. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💜
My physically disabled sister is an alcoholic and went to the hospital after throwing up blood. She steals, lies, makes everyone's life miserable.
She's getting discharged today and we decided it's the streets or rehab and I'm struggling with that decision given her disability.
I had to do it. Could not deal with the stealing lies disrespect and not caring of there health
Yes as a person who lives in MO I have heard that it is possible to have a child declared "incorrigible" because supposedly the child does not have the ability to learn and remember the difference between wrong and right. Trivial fact: I think Babe Ruth was declared "incorrigible" by his parents. And then finally he channelled all that energy into baseball instead of into vandalism and became a famous pro athlete.
Thanks Amber! I caught the replay!!
Yay! Thank you!
If they don't have the intention of stopping then letting them stay is definitely enabling and yeah they may escalate which will take them to the bottom and cause them to seek help or they can live with you and continue using for 10 years and destroy their bodies and your mental health long term. I left because he refused to and my mental health was at risk and the mental health of my daughter.
You're right Susan, sometimes you have to protect yourself/your family!
This is the exact video I needed to see. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
Hi Amber. I’m in this exact position at the moment. Sadly, I had to tell my husband to leave last Monday, because I found empty bottles hidden around the house and realised £1000 stolen. He owes a lot of money to drug dealers and has substantial amounts of debt. He was meant to have started recovery but was still drinking and using drugs behind my back. He is now sleeping in his car and still going to work (barely). It has become unbearable to live under the same roof as him, because of all his lies and deceit. We also have two daughters aged 10 and 8, so it’s a horrible way to live. He keeps contacting me, making me feel guilty, wants me to feel sorry for him, telling me how bad his physical health feels and he’s not eating or sleeping. I feel like I’m trapped, because I feel bad for him but I know I can’t live like this while he’s in addiction. Is there any advice you can give me please?
Hi Jin, I'm really sorry you're in such a difficult (no win) type of situation. We have a FREE FB group for families that you might find helpful. Here's the link, in case you're interested. facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
Girl I'm in the exact same situation! I'm getting a divorce! And changed my locks! My husband ALWAYS guilt trips me and tries to get me to help him. He's totalled one of my cars and crashed my other more than 6 times! Just this year!! He did drugs in the home. When He's broke and desperate he'll take money out of my wallet or find my savings box and take from my savings. Ive had to hide it in different places because of this. He always makes me feel like i HAVE to help him and like Im the only one who can help him and wears me down. He owes me $600 from him crashing my car, being broke, and needing to buy parts to fix it! I'm not expecting to get paid. He's gotten fired from his job. He treats the car like crap so he cant even go to his new job, so he's gonna get fired from there too. He's lazy. If He's not high he can't function. He will sit in the car and listen to music for hours every day wasting time. He wont take regular showers. I don't even use the car anymore because he decided it's his now. And now that its crashed and all messed up not even he can use it. Im scared to buy myself a new car for myself and my son because he probably would take that one too.
You know what you can handle and can not handle. I'm super stressed out my hair is falling out and i have a son with disabilities. It feels like i have to take care of my 3 year old and another 27 year old big baby. I can't do this anymore. I've been with him for almost 4 years and they have been stressful the whole time. Im hoping to be freed from his taking advantage, manipulation, and stress by kicking him out finally and getting a divorce. The divorce is more because i don't want to be responsible for all his debt if he were to die. God forbid, but with all the car accidents he gets in and the drugs i feel that's how he's going to die.
I also felt I needed to ask my husband to leave.We had come to a decision for us to seperate then our town was flooded.There are almost no rentals available and thousands of people are homeless.Many are living in caravans or tents or the shell of what is left of their houses.Most of the motels also were flooded and majority of the businesses.This is why he stayed for another three months and even brought two friends who lost their home to stay with us.He is now living out of his car and office.He blames me for kicking him out but I remind myself he can make different choices and it's now up to him.We have two teenage children at home and a 20 year old studying and living away. Now I have to set boundaries for the two friends of his that are still trying to repair their home but who aren't taking the hint to go.It's a mess but I can get through this by moving forward with taking care of me and my kids.I try to remind myself that any guilt he trys to put on me is so he can avoid his own.
D.I.V.O.R.C.E. then petition the judge to leave the state. He won’t have the wherewithal to move anywhere but under the ground.
You have saved my life
I think the answer is always "Yes, you should kick them out. I is better for the addict and much much better for you.
You mainly addressed drug addition involving an adolescent. My daughters husband needs to go because he’s at home a lot, drunk and watching my seven year old grandson. Pool in the backyard. My daughter is working, my son in law is a pilot with a unpredictable work schedule. He is not wanting to get well at this point. I’m praying and watching things get worse as time goes along. There are also two teenage girls in the house. They have summer jobs. It’s awkward to ask them to watch their younger brother while dad’s right there. No one is getting help. I’m looking into this.
Boy! Have I ever thought about it!
Thank you so much for this video. It helped me to decide to break it off with my addict boyfriend for good, unless he shows significant effort towards recovery. (which I highly doubt) I don't want to have to deal with these shit in a marriage.
Goodness, I hate that you had to end your relationship 😓 What was it in the video that resonated so strongly with you?
@@PutTheShovelDown The fact that there likely will be a messy divorce if the relationship continues and we ended up getting married.
I am brought up in an environment that there is simply no drugs. I have never even seen weed until I came to North America. My culture itself is strongly against drugs of any types. My ex is different in the sense that he started smoking weed since 11 and he is now 36. When we first met he was clean for 5 years and never told me he was addicted to it prior.
A year ago he relapsed and that's when I found out he's a recovering addict. He promised to quit and made it sound like he's on it and everything will be good in a month or so. I trusted him and left him to it. Then We started having a lot of relationship problems and holy shit he has become so unstable, unreasonable and blamed me for everything. At first I thought they are just relationship problems, realized some of my own issues and worked on them, then he still blames me for everything and it became obvious to me, it was not my fault and he is being unreasonable and even emotionally abusive.
I started doing research into addiction and now realizing I totally underestimated the whole addiction thing. Our issues likely are normal relationship problems exaggerated by drug abuse and he is using the blame game to avoid having to face his own demons. Basically blaming on me, blaming we are not compatible, blaming everything so he doesn't have to quit.
Basically, he's incapable of solving basic relationship issues, or even perform like a normal boyfriend in a relationship.
I love him but now fully realizing the extend of the drama I will be facing in my life if I stay with him, I don't think I want that in my life.
Great insight about the relationship problems being exaggerated by the drug problem. Your right on target. Have you seen my other videos on manipulation tactics?
@@PutTheShovelDown you shall ask which one I haven't seen LOL.
To be honest, the more I know about it, the more I find the situation unsolvable. Two reasons: 1. he doesn't want to solve it, or doesn't have the will to change it; 2. I can have a pretty good life myself without him, if not much better.
it breaks my heart, but I can't invest my entire life on someone who doesn't want to change.
@@PutTheShovelDown Like we had an arrangement of me visiting him once a week and no contact in between (because he's too overwhelmed to replay to texts apparently). Then when we meet, at first it was good, then he started snapping at me and getting angry easily in general, even at very normal things I said. Then blamed me for them. How can I live like that? We can't even hang out normally anymore.
I took my alcoholic dad in after my youngest sister moved out because he was self neglecting and his house got in deplorable condition. While living with me, he did well at first. But gradually he fell into the same bad habits and started drinking again. It became heavy. He quit his job of 36 years. He started blowing through his savings. He started self neglecting. He was not cleaning up after himself. It was very bothersome to the whole family. I finally told him to either go to rehab or move back home. He refused rehab. So I moved him back home against his will. He has been severely depressed ever since and drank more and more. He's begged over and over to come back. He just got out of the hospital, and he's begging me not to take him back home. My heart is torn into pieces. I love him and just want him sober, happy, and healthy. It's so hard to be the parent to your parent. I would appreciate any advice or recommendations.
Tell him if he wants to come back to watch the stop drinking expert Alcohol lied to me. There must be charges Be firm. Sel pity is a form of manipulation.
I did it. I left and wouldn’t come back for a year. Very tuff and heart breaking.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I love your advise.
Happy to help Johna! Thanks for watching and especially for taking the time to leave a comment!
When you think of a boundary I want you to think of a fence now a fence is a boundary but it’s a boundary that keeps people out but when you’re in a relationship you don’t want to keep your partner out because there are things you need from your partner but you cannot just take what you need or want at any time or they won’t trust you so the way that you get your needs met in the relationship because you asked what you need or want with your partner and the two of you work together to meet each other‘s needs and wants and by working together everybody gets what they need and want nobody feels violated so the trust grow stronger and the love grow stronger
maybe you can't legally throw them out, but if you're at that point, they may have done some stuff to you that's totally illegal; whether it's stealing from you, breaking your stuff (vandalism), threatening you, physical abuse, etc. Having them arrested will at least get them out for the immediate moment- in my experience, it's easier to keep them out than get them out.Also, if they're using illegal drugs, you can play that card; either with the cops, or by straight up threatening them with the cops if they don't voluntarily leave.Of course, you have to be strong enough to play that card....it all depends on how badly you want them out. Also, depending on where you live, (has happened to me, with me being the one getting booted), the cops will often tell them "it's a civil matter, you'll have to take them (home owner or true tenant) to court. They'll offer to stay and "keep the peace" while they collect their things. Also, if you can catch them while they're out of the house, and change the locks, you can claim to the cops that they moved out voluntarily, weeks or days ago, and left their things behind because, well, they're all f--ked up.Then it's a he-said/she-said, and the cops will usually side with you, since it's your house and you're not acting all cuckoo.And in my state, if they're renting a room or couch-surfing, it's only a two-week notice instead of 30 days
I just
I I am new to this I cannot take it no more
Same.
How are you doing? I’m seeing this comment 3 months later
I left my life in boyfriend and went to my mothers and he offered to leave where we are living. I just broke up with him two days ago. I have a 5 year old son with Autism and I cannot take the abuse my alcoholic boyfriend put me through anymore.
Good choice, The safety of your child should come first.
I am struggling with that I left him He is a great person. I am heartbroken, we were together close to 3 years.
Very difficult decision. 😔.
But good video.💯.
Amber I'm having trouble with a loved one who is addicted to something that makes him see things and I was hoping if you can a video on how to deal with this
This video was so helpful. I love your approach to this subject matter.
Thanks DestinationDiona! I'm really glad you liked it
I had to kick my son (25 ) out about 10 days ago. I have been through a lot of trauma in my lifetime, but doing that was The hardest thing emotionally that I've ever had to do in my lifetime. He was assaulted a week ago today. Someone hit him with bear spray and a cop called me asking for a coat and a few things for him. After the cop left my son sat against a fence about 40' from my balcony. He was a mess. He had a shopping cart full of his things and was in and out of consciousness for a few hours. I finally went out with something for him to eat and a cold bottle of water and a few other items. I asked him if he's had enough yet and he began defending his use again and blaming me for all his troubles. It was unbearable living under the same roof. He trashed my place nightly after I'd go to bed. So much so that I couldn't get around in my wheelchair ( I lost my leg in 2018 )to even go to the bathroom. If I did make it in I'd take my life in my hands just trying to get to the toilet. He told me he has received death threats from a gang, the same gang that cut off his pinky finger last winter. But I told myself that this time I will hold firm because I've always let him back in. The last thing I said to him before I came back in was, I love you son. I continued to watch him and he finally did get up and loaded his things back into the shopping cart. He looked so lonely and alone. He never looked back when he left and I've never cried harder in all my life. I was a total wreck. Laying on the floor in the living room in a ball crying so hard I could barely breath. The memory of that night one week ago haunts me day and night. I haven't seen him since. He always comes back at some point looking to get some things from here and I began looking for him. No one has seen him at all since that night. Every time I look out my balcony window I see him pushing that shopping cart. Tears have started rolling down my face again as I type this. I'm beyond worried, I'm scared that he's been hurt. Heck I even called all the hospitals in town last night. He's not in any of them.
Did I make a mistake ? I guess it's yet to be determined. It got to the point where he was threatning me physical violence and he had begun tormenting me daily. Sometimes I wonder if I should have put up with it longer, but when I really think about it, I couldn't do it anymore.I pray day and night that he is ok. Off drugs he is the nicest most generous,kind, and has a heart of gold. The drug has turned him into the complete opposite.I think tough love hurts the parent more than the kid because I cry daily. I don't think I made the wrong decision, but I guess that I'll find out down the road sometime. Right now I just need to know if he is ok. Thank you for this and all other video's you've put out there. They do help me.
Hi Dave.. howz it going with your Son?
Dave... I know how you feel. I kicked my daughter out 2 wks ago and really have no idea how she is. What's the update on your son? Praying for you and your son. May God give you peace and your son healing.
I am in the same boat. I had to legally evict my adult son (37). It took Lawyers and judges. (Florida) He is a wonderful loving man when sober. He began using meth and threatened my life to the point I had to move out of my own home. He refused to leave hence the lawyers. While I was gone begging for help from the law he threw away my most sentimental, prize possessions. Meanwhile blaming me for all his problems. He has been in detox twice and jail once since he left. My motherly love wants to fix everything. My logic tells me I can’t. I cry everyday wondering where he is and if he is okay. This has really taken courage. But it’s also taken a toll on my health, life, finances, energy etc. I question each day if I did the right thing. I’m gonna stick with “yes”. I had to stop the madness. And I had to remain safe. I miss my son and I love him. Somehow I have to find a way to not cry every day.
@@loricocks3054 Hi Lori. I know your pain all too well. I did the same but with my 21 yr old daughter. I have no idea how she's doing, etc and it eats me alive daily. What I finally realized is...I really have no control. It's hard to admit it, but we don't. They're adults now. I told her I loved her and I'd be there for her when she was ready to change. You nor I can win this war, but God can. Until then...it's Gods battle. God bless.
You did the right thing live your life. I'm going through the same thing. I fear for my life from my 31yo addict son. I'm on the hook for $35, 000 bond from bailing him out. I'm 56. Do you think he will go to court, no. My fault. Screw him. I'm not walking his life anymore. Not my fault. Be strong, fo things, be with people be happy. Please. Do it for yourself. He really doesnt care.
Thank you for another much needed informative video. I’m learning so much. God Bless
Thank so much for the kind feedback! Is there any particular topic that you'd be interested in hearing about?
Put The Shovel Down No special topic now. I’m thankful how you explain simply and clearly how this affects everyone and understanding what the addict is also going through mentally and emotionally. I’m trying to catch up on all your videos.
What is the best way to get my son out when he refuses to go?
He was sober 8 months but since January been relapsing every two weeks not as simple as kicking him out as he turns up at my door drunker and drunker a down and out alcoholic things get much worse for me when he is homeless the police don’t help so risk of eviction for me because of the chaos he causes 😫 just doing my best to do strategies to contain relapses as much as possible
What about when you feel you need to go because you don't feel safe in your effects (personal items, medications etc)? When you have to keep things like your wallet with you and your meds with you 24/7, and other issues of trust? I don't feel physically threatened at all, just stuck mentally and exhausted.
You're right on target! That's definitely a good reason to set that boundary because it's about you and NOT about trying to get them to do or not do anything. Boundaries should always be for yourself (not for another person). You hit the nail on the head 🔨😃
Went thru this with spouse for four years i was one working providing to come home to her drunk , she recently went to rehab some place that places five or six women into a apartment provides there food no rent they had counseling but now shes come home started drinking again in first week, talks about how she misses that place dont have to work hang out by pool with other addicts be taken to sports events, this center stopped the drinking but now seems like i have a additional problem beside the alcohol, have tried everything i know to do for years now , is it time for me to value myself pick up pieces and move on?
Yes, to take them back is to disrespect yourself
I wish I had seen this video two weeks ago. I kicked my daughter out in a moment of anger because I caught her doing drugs again in our home after she just finished months and months of intensive residential rehab. I was furious when I caught her because she lied straight to my face when I confronted her. I kicked her out immediately and have not heard from her in two weeks. I don't know if I should call her invite her back or not? I feel like I should have given her a set of rules to abide by and that if she broke them then it was her choice. I am completely torn on what to do...
Oh that is so so hard. Praying for your daughters turn around to desire to change and for you to forgive yourself because it’s all just hard.
@@sharonbarnes9080 Thank you so very much, Sharon. Prayer is powerful. May God bless you and your loved ones.
Very interesting
My name is mikala. I am recovering addict. My husband still uses and brings the drug where we sleep. The hardest thing is it kills me to see and smell the one drug I am recovering from. I told him he needs help and his work can understand. But I had to ask him to leave late one night bcuz I woke up and heard someone lighting a lighter in the bathroom. He was there using in our bathroom. He knows how makes me feel. I told him if he stays here, he needs to get help and respect my sobriety. He works for his habit. He doesn't help pay for anything. I feel bad rn but I can't keep hiding my wallet and money. I'm always paranoid he is gonna steal money from me again.
Wow J, you're in a really tough position here. It's probably even harder being in recovery yourself.
@@PutTheShovelDown yep. Its mikala. Sorry my son used my email for the longest time and idk how to change my name. Hardest thing I been through. He always tells me tomorrow I'll get help but in reality tomorrow never comes and it won't.
Hey amber my dad has a family friend staying at our house. He makes me so uncomfortable and I've tried telling my dad about it but he won't listen because the guy doesn't have anywhere to go. Last night the guy ODed in the bathroom and I had to call the ambulance, it was traumatic for me. He's alive and back at the house- now I just really want him out. How can I convince my dad?
Wow, I can see where you're coming from with your concerns, Kati! I'm not sure I can answer your question though, because there are too many variables. How old are you? Is you mom there as well? Why is your dad so committed to keeping him there, etc...
Amber you are the best 👍I just love you
Awwww thanks, Brenda! Right back at ya 😁
Thank you so much Amber for sharing this wonderful information. Much love from Australia 🇦🇺💕
My pleasure, Donna from Australia!
I had to do this with another family member 20 years ago ask them to leave and i just can't believe im here again 😞😔😔
My 24 year old son has suffered with addiction for 5 or 6 years. There are other adults in his life that are enabling him in different ways including allowing him to live rent free without consequence in their homes off and on for years. I am wondering is it fair in this situation to say you can’t stay here if you aren’t getting treatment?
My sister kicked my brother out after years of alcohol problems I used to live there with my children whom would witness all his behavior. He would eat every ones food and still from every one until she went to court and put a restraining order. Cops came today and escorted him out. He send some of is siblings a message saying he will no longer struggle with him and that he will no longer be here. It has been going on for about 15 years my sister says enough is enough. My parents gave him alcohol every time we tried to keep it away from him. They would tell him one beer wouldn't hurt him. I love him so much and I don't know how else to help him. I have sent him to rehab and other programs but nothing seems to help. I do know is his choice and that there is only so much I can do but him being in this situation hurts
Amber, what does the term "End Stage Addiction" mean?
It means that the addiction is in the final stages. There are 4 stages. Stage for is the last stage. It's usally life threatening at this stage.
@@PutTheShovelDown So sad :( thanks for the info!
I've never been involved in this with any addict. I would say that if personal safety is an issue, it is hard to get someone out unless you get a protection order. I did have experience with that, and it was very hard to do.
I completely agree, It's surprisingly difficult to get legal help. It can feel like everything is stacked against you.
How do you manage to make a video on a topic that completely applies to me at the time? I'm the wife of a meth addict and I'm trying to decide if I'm able to stay in this situation much longer. This is so tough.
You must have been sending me signals or something😲 because the topic literally just occurred to me yesterday evening, so I decided to hop on LIVE to talk about it. 🤔🙋♂️ I know there is no black and white answer to this issue, but I hope I was able to at least give you some ways to think about the issue.
@@PutTheShovelDown Well, I do think pretty loud sometimes. 😆 Your videos always give me something to think about. ❤️
Feel free to send me signals anytime! I’m always trying to think of topics that will be helpful for people. And, if For some reason not picking up your signal, go ahead and send me a direct message. amber@hffrc.com 😉
I’m in the same boat. When you’re ready you’ll know, and you won’t look back. I don’t think a lot of people just leave and tough it out because it’s too painful. This is unfortunate it seems, but how it often works.
You're right on target! I completely agree.
I currently have an alcoholic mother & I’m 18 and i think im at the point where i cant deal with it anymore. Everytime i think about leaving & getting my own place, guilt fills me heads with the thought that if i leave, God forbid but she’d pass away from me not being there to take care of her. My mother is the bestt when shes sober, I love her to death but ive been dealing with this since i was 8. She refuses to go to rehab & sometimes she tries to stop but when she starts up again its an ever lasting cycle. Would it be selfish of me to move out knowing shed be all alone without me ? Shes a functioning alcoholic, that’s what scares me. My dad passed away when i turned 7, & all my siblings are still around but have their own place. Should i move out ?
Hi Danielle, I'm so sorry you're in that situation. I grew up in an addicted house as well. I think you have to move forward with your life. You can still love your mom and be there for her, but you have to take care of yourself too. 💗
I don't understand how you can't kick people out that are doing illegal things in your home.
I want my him out. He uses and refuses treatment. He doesn't acknowledge he needs help. He refuses to leave and he's betting on the difficulty it'll take to discourage me. It's been 3 years of craziness.
I am living in my mothers house as a single parent. she recently picked my brother up from treatment after he got kicked out, I told her I didn’t agree with him coming and immediately she turned on me and became angry and hostile towards me. She packed up her belongings and drove two hours to get him. The next day after he came back, my brother began using. I live here with my three year old son, and I had set a boundary that was “if you come back, you cannot use while you live here” the boundary was broken, and when I told my mother he needed to leave, she began arguing with me, screaming at me and telling me that I have no compassion. I am the bad guy in everyone’s eyes, and I’m completely trapped and all I want is to raise my kid in a healthy home, but I have nowhere else to go, and don’t make enough money at my job to support myself on my own. I am more angry with her than with my brother. I am more angry that my boundaries weren’t respected by anyone and I have no power in the situation to enforce them. I have tried to talk to my mother but I can’t get through to her, and at this point I feel so guilty that my son is going to grow up in an environment such as this and I can’t do anything about it. I wanted more for him and I feel like I’m failing him every day. he is being exposed to things I have tried so hard to shield him from and I can’t do anything about it. This isn’t about my brother. This is about my son. And my mother doesn’t care.
If you are living in your mother’s house I don’t think you have a say in it even if you are right. You are not disempowered. You can change your own life.
I don't have a child so it was easier for me to leave, but my sibling was making it really uncomfortable to live there. I got a second job and moved out. Now I feel like I abandon my parents to deal with the mess.
I am not fighting with my partner, I’ve been the angry enforcer, the sobbing nag, the relentless detective! My partner is hilarious, kind, but can’t keep normal hours, can’t be relied on, and it’s a daily game show. I’m exhausted. I work 6 days a week, am trying to raise 2 children in the home- and my last husband left me, to father a baby in a different country. So- I’m keeping his addictions a secret. I really like his company and the help he gives around the house ( when not sleeping) but is it wrong that I want sober space and just my kids n I in the house? And how do I say all this without crushing him because he constantly disarms me with his charm lol ? Is there any real hope for recovery without professional help? Do I really have to accept the phone calls n messages from girls he meets at casinos n uses with as “normal “?! I’m not bashing- purely seeking advice and thank you again 👍
Amber Scott it’s not wrong to want sober time with your family and it’s okay to tell him you need that. And definitely you don’t need to be answering calls from girls he meets while drinking. Even though he’s sweet and charming it’s not okay to do those other things. Sometimes addicts/alcoholics bully their way into getting what they want and other times they charm their way into getting what they want, but it’s all manipulation.
I wanted to say wow you are awesome and thank you for giving us family members a platform to be heard. I’m learning through your videos how to take a softer direct-approach and happy to say that in my situation, I believe there is a way to sort this out. I am going to talk to a family counselor, and he has agreed to give me my sober space while at a sober living home. This gives me relief and hope. And did I mention your videos are amazing!?
Amber Scott awwww thanks Amber! That makes my day😁
What about locking them out when there drunk but they can come home when they are sober. Husband.
what can you do if the addict is causing major trauma, but has a major medical issue, (in this case conjestive heart failure , and pulmonary issues)and will certainly die on the streets?
What advice do you have for someone who starts to drink again after 3 years sober?
Stop friend. Follow Jesus. He will set you free.❤️
Put the shovel down I kicked my son out when he was 16 he kept bringing drugs into our home when I told him not to and was bringing people into our home when we were at work and not going to school telling lies manipulation etc it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and felt so broken leaving him homeless , I don’t know to this day if it was the right choice to do so as nothing changed if anything I feel like he ended up worse he now deals ! He is now 21 , I feel underlying guilt for the choices he has now made ! I feel defeated and sitting back watching the train wreck wanting my son back, i miss my son the real him not the selfish person behind the drugs
I know you must be heart broken. It's a decision no mother ever wants to make.
Amber, I have been watching and using your videos in my OTP for a few years. This is the first that I have heard of the CRAFT method for family members. I was thinking that the CRAFT method would be beneficial as an adjunct program in our community, . There are lots of programs for direct services for the person with the addiction but nothing for the families. Is CRAFT copyrighted and I would need special training and/or permission to offer this to families? As always, your thoughts are valued and welcomed.
Rob Good, counselor
Where is the link to get a consultation for advice on how to get your spouse out
www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
Thanks, my brother was on the street for the first time, it was very difficult to see, we arranged for him to be in an air b n b for a few nights, I’ve spoken to him since and he is still trying to run from his problems, thinks he just needs to move towns and that he is only drinking because he is in a rubbish state of not having a house and not having a job. Still in denial I guess.
I am suffering right now with an addict. He Denys,lies,makes me feel crazy. He is caught over and over again for using crack/coke. Stays clean for a couple weeks, once I've had enough and lose it, then starts up again...we have children together and a house. I don't know what to do . He's a really good guy deep down but I feel like I am waiting for someone who is gone . It's really causing a lot of chaos in my house my daughter is suffering and I am suffering.
🙏🙏🙏
I don't know. The son of my mother cheated on me with the same guy for the 4th time. We spoke at length, this would be the dam breaker for sure, and I am shocked she still did it. I can't handle it, but I love her, but I think she loves him and the drug addiction more than us. She still will not even admit it happened.
Hi Eben, That's really awful. It's a double betrayal. I'm so sorry. NOt sure if you've seen this video yet, but it's about that very topic: ruclips.net/video/-woGGBLs0Bc/видео.html There is another really good RUclips channel called the Marriage Helper that may help you.
My bf and I have been on a rollercoaster with addiction. I have kicked him out a few times. Usually there’s a ,”I’m sorry. I love you. You can come back home.” But this time I do not feel like doing so. I’m trying to stay strong and I Know having an addiction is bad for me because I’ve been in and out of rehabs/ psych wards since I was 14. My bf has an alcohol addiction. I know I enabled him. I have been the bad guy plenty of times. I just kicked him out last night and I don’t want to continue this cycle we have been going through. He won’t seek help and I don’t want to try to fix his problems anymore. All in all, I made the decision for Myself and future. Does this make me selfish?
It definitely doesn't make you selfish, Tanibah. Sometimes you just have to step back from the situation. If you don't, it will take you down with it!
Put The Shovel Down couldn’t agree more! So we have set boundaries and positive reinforcements for a healthier relationship 🙂🙏🏻
At 7:50 captions says that you're saying plan the bag roll lol. Took me a few times to know what you were saying.
LOL! You never know what those auto captions are going to say!
I replayed it a few times and still couldn't get it, what is it that she was saying at 7:50?
Ya I missed it as well.
What is she saying?
I told my AH to go from home now he is in a country whr he cnt get easily alochol, will he relapse if he come back ??
Thank you..this cleared my mind up on a few issues. 🌺🏵🌷
Glad it was helpful!
Fine video. Some of your remarks about disengagement caught my further attention. If I understand you, the full expulsion of the addict would escalate the destructive behavior. This likelihood has a certain appeal. The word we hear so often is that the addict must hit rock-bottom before they seek treatment. Yet, you seem to wanna avoid that, like you are protecting them. This seems inconsistent with other points learned from your channel. As for me, I don't want to make things hard for the addict, but I do not want to make things artificially easier for them. Clarification would be welcome.
Hi Marbanak, I can see where that would be confusing. Basically what I'm saying is... So Many people think that they have to kick someone out so they'll will make the decision to get sober. That's usually not the case. The addiction usually gets worse when kicked out. I'm not saying that you shouldn't kick someone out. I'm just saying that you shouldn't do it because you think it's going to make them get sober. There are other reasons to do it though. (ie: they're making your life terrible, you're tired of supporting them, etc...) It's such a complicated subject.
I have a 36 year old Son that became homeless due to alcohol abuse. I finally let him spend the night and 6 months later he is still here. I am 63 and my life has just gone sideways. He needs to go but I can’t get him out. I have set the boundaries and he just ignores me. Any advice on how to get him out.
You may have to go through a formal eviction process.
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it!
I have just discovered your resources! Thank you so much!
Hi Nelle! I'm so glad you found us and that our videos are helpful to you. Thanks for watching and especially for taking the time to leave a comment!
I have listened all weekend! Thank you so much!
My husband won’t leave because he has no job or money and says he’ll be homeless. And if I leave I get stuck paying the rent and bills which I refuse to do. I can’t get off the lease unless he signs too. He’s made me a crazy angry bitter person . How do I get away from him?
Take your name off and leave ppl split up all the time give them plenty of notice and go. His problems are his problems. Good luck.
@@llararulens8895 My landlord says I can do this only if my husband signs a new agreement without me on it. He won’t do it. Any suggestions?
I’m kicked out right now. I was sober 2 years and then I relapsed. I am sober now. And I’m scared, have no where to go, and I’m exhausted. My family doesn’t care. I’ve already done the damage and they never want to risk it again. I understand but I don’t know where to go. I’ve done treatment and I just got a full time job which is so hard to keep up sleeping in my car. I need advice
My dad died and it’s been hard on all of us but that was the trigger
Maybe a weekly motel since you have a job now. Then look for a room to rent.
What to do if your 32 year old child is an addict as well as untreated mental illness?
Hi Ava, Here's a video I did on that topic. Hope it helps ruclips.net/video/6CDzmldmuZw/видео.html
My understanding is that you have to deal with the addiction first.... even though the mental health issues came first. Love and prayers ❤️
Addicted and has to go to dialysis I am up to my whits end
But don’t you agree that if the parent is in danger, all of the addicts anger (42 year olds daughter) is focused on the parent (just the two of them in the house) that they should be removed? In this case the brother came home, found sister was still on drugs (10 years and now on more and worse drugs) and has been threatening Mom. He threw her out
I 100% agree. Here's a video I made about behaviors you should never tolerate. Hope it helps: ruclips.net/video/40fZyoCz8xU/видео.html
The 30 day thing is bs. If its a rental property, fine. You're very own house, not so fine.
My emotions are out the roof. I just made my ex move out. He would not do nothing and expected me to do everything. I think he has drunk so much he can't walk he can't remember he is always confused and I'm not able to care for him. He stopped drinking while he was here. But he lied to me when he moved In that he was well and could help me. He did do nothing and watched me do everything to care for him. And don't nothing. Please help me I'm feeling very guilty for throwing him Out. I don't know that to do.
All I can do is cry. He is 67 and I'm 65 and hurt my back and can't take care of myself at times.
I hope is didn't do something wrong.