Setting Boundaries with Loved Ones in Active Addiction
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- Опубликовано: 13 июл 2023
- Nate and Tommy are back in the studio talking gas station hotdogs and the importance of setting boundaries with loved ones who are in active recovery.
www.bareknucklerecovery.com/
I finally cut my son off. I haven’t talked to him in 6 months. I had to cut him off this way (after 15yrs of fa) because I don’t control the finances in my home. My husband makes it comfortable for him to use.
My husband thinks if he doesn’t give him a place to live and everything to survive, he will die. I feel if you give him a comfortable place to use, he will die.
Ppl accuse me of abandoning my son. My emotional support is all I have to take away.
Besides that, I can’t sleep and have extreme anxiety and I’ve seen so much - like I have PTSD from this. My husband doesn’t care or protect me from this and so I have to protect myself.
My son has been told that he can come back into my life after a year sober.
Everything gets cut off. No help. That’s clear and easy. Because addicts use anything and everything to be addicts. No rent. No food. No anything. Homeless shelters WILL help and will make a person think about the choices they make and will make.
There is NO amount of time a fentanyl addict has clean that it safe. They have to do 24 hours at a time. You NEVER know. They relapse and relapse and relapse and do ten rehabs with no effect.
I am just at this point of thinking supporting him isn't working. We are going around in circles, year after year, the stress and fear are insupportable. Today I know he will be hungry if I don't step in. Yesterday he was clearly using with all of the associated dramas. This morning I have a burst blood vessel in my eye from absorbing and taking to heart some of the hurtful things he said. I had him working with the doctor, reducing script, community support and prospect of rehabilitation on the horizon. Wanting to believe him so badly - oh my goodness yes. This morning I hear the coke comedown in his voice as he apologises and then immediately asks for money "for groceries". I feel that I have hit a wall and it is hurting. I came online looking for guidance and I think I may at last have found the right approach. It will be horrible and I think he will hate me for a long time to come. He lies as easily as breathing and when I say I don't believe him he is outraged and I doubt myself so much. Good luck to all parents on this journey😢😢😢😢😢
Point on about the voice of Satan and the manipulation. I appreciate your advice on boundaries. We have gone through a decade of addiction with my son who is now 26. He struggles with mental health as well and self medicates. My heart goes out to any and all parents who struggle with their child and addiction. I'm definitely going to be more strict on the boundaries and will prepare for the manipulation to begin. My son is currently in the hospital where he checked himself in for mental health but when he's out, I'm going to tell him to find a program and that he can no longer live with us. It's gotta happen. Period.
He will die if he keeps using, worse if he does in your home and because YOU gave him the resources to buy the drugs that kill him? The more you enable them the more you are helping them stay the same. Its harsh but its a matter of life and death.
As I listen to this show, tears roll down my face, at 66 years old and a 42 year old son that has been using meth for 6 years I now have been reduced to Realizing the end is near for my son.😢 He was on probation, had a community health nurse, had a psychiatrist for 11 months he was doing famously. I really thought he had. It beat. After the 11 months he started using again and was way worse than I’ve ever seen him. He is back on the street. Homeless, The Psychosis has him so far from Reality. I have had to get a protection order. How did it go so Wrong ,how did all of this happen …… There is no hope and there are no answers. There are far too expensive rehabs there’s not enough room in the Public rehabs for the Average income people. and the waiting list for the public rehabs are up to a year. What did they do till they can get in and they’ve got to be sober when they go in! They talk about boundaries well, one day the addicted realizes the families won’t let them use them anymore, and they disappear to the streets. then we get a call from the police or the coroner, that our loved. One has passed away and we are left with just emptiness and again asking ourselves. What the hell happened? How did it go so wrong? We need to treat the trauma not the addiction once we treat the trauma, we don’t need the boundaries but we do know I’m just a 66-year-old mother who has had to witness the loss of a life of my Bright, gentle, child’s dreams.
I read your post and I am walking in the same shoes. My son is 39 and has been using for 20+ years, I have cried a river, I have enabled, I have had the guilt. The one thing that I don't have is the fix for his addiction and I never will. I have been in my own recovery for being addicted to my son. Recovery for yourself is the only solution. I am living proof. I feel for you, take care of yourself. ❤
I hear you it's not easy watching our children choose to destroy their lives there is hope dont give up praying and surrendering our will to God and surrender our children to the care of God. Are you getting support for yourself? Look up Alanon meetings theres Hope there!
Recovery of addicted to son. Would love to hear more about that. Namaste.@@user-gj8pj1io8y
There is always hope. Pray to Jesus as I will for your beautiful son.
As grandparents going through this it's very difficult. We want to let go but cannot we have tried everything. He is now living with the homeless for the winter and he calls us sometimes 50 times a day. We keep his money for him but he usually borrows from next month. He days he wants to stop but he's only getting worse. He's been beaten, been to jail, been fined, hospitalized so many times I lost count. He is our only grandchild 38. We lost our daughter 5 years ago and this made him worse. He started this life age 16. It is killing us and we keep on trying to help him. I know you are right about boundaries. Your video was very much needed at this time. Thank you !
I have walked in your shoes, only the 38 year old is my son. He has done all the things you talked about. The only way I have managed to have some peace in my life is in counseling and these podcasts. We need to listen to the recovering addicts. This was a great video. Take care of yourself.❤
I’m 75 my husband 84 our alcoholic son 55 30 years of this so much pain, fear, anguish, helplessness. This has been perfectly timed. Thank you
So glad I came upon this podcast today. I'm a recovering addict myself with a daughter who is addicted to crack and the crazy lifestyle that involves. I really needed to hear your discussion today. I AM SO FRIGGIN FED UP!!!!! That's the most polite way to say how devastated I feel. She just got asked to leave yet another treatment centre because of her behaviour. It's always somebody else's fault. Some people call it a rollercoaster. For me, the despair is almost unbearable. I up my meetings and stay connected to recovering addicts for support. Without that, the despair would eat me alive. Thank you for providing a platform for me to vent my feelings. Very appreciated.
I hear ya & - on utube - Mark De Jesus - super good councelor✝️🤝
I'm struggling and i fucking hate i give my mom stress, but i just don't know where to start and i latterly frozen with the full knowledge of the damage I do to myself and my loved ones ..... I still have hope and the motivation to chance but its so hard. I know its sounds weak and i just have to kick myself and don't let the anxiety win tand stay in a circle i don't want anymore, for myself - and especially for my mom and loved ones 😥
Great podcast and facts facits facts, you guys give hope for us and great info for people dealing with a loved one struggling addiction.
The last time I spoke to my brother he had asked for money. I gave him and said the next time I speak to you will be when your 6 months clean and open to a random drug test. He spiralled for a year or two, his sober for 3 months now and moved in with my dad. i'll be visiting them in 3 months time. Looking forward to his recovery lasting forever and dealing with his triggers. Should he relapse I pray that my family create and respect similar boundaries rather than being enablers.
Glad i found this channel, this video was especially insightful as a recocering addict to see the other side, from the perspective of loved ones.
I cannot thank you enough- a scared mom
Rehabs cost money. Free ones have dealers waiting for you to get out after a week or two or six or whatever and you make MORE connections in bad rehabs.
We need to make GOOD long term rehabs free.
Very true 😢😢😢
As a mom and aunt of adults in active addiction its torture to.practice detachment and support at same time. Denial is hard to overcome. As moms we are nurturers and not wired. To abandone our adult children but we also have to hit our bottoms.
First time listening 😢. Subscribed
This is so tough to deal with. These dam drugs they do so much damage, not just to the addict but everyone around them.
When family members don't understand meth psychosis, manipulation, lies and the addicted loved ones inability to be rational, make good choices & BE HONEST. The splitting can create horrible division in the family. People believe cannabis isn't harmful, but I observe 14:38 there is an element of confusion & memory loss. So if other members aren't clean & sober, it is a devastating catastrophe😢 because no one will get help
Thank you so much for your helpful podcasts as a mum of an addict
I just love you guys, i love the information because i relate to everything you discussed, you guys are such awesome role models and i would love to meet you guys one day thank you for caring and your stories, I am in recovery 34 years. God Bless you both and your awesome work.
I would love to hear you talk about (why they keep going back) apart from the addiction and why some addicts just dont get it. I live my life helping others to get well and have what i have. I am a mum of an addict.
I spent a lot of money for rehab and hospital, stress, tears and anxiety to saved my brother after 27 years of addiction. He was fine for few years but the problem is I found out lately that my Dad enables him and I am at the point now where I am numb and done. And walking away from it. I blocked my brother from reaching out to me because I want my sanity. I need to be okay. 😢
My family member lies and says they are not getting high. I smell a plastic smell right now in the house. She sleeps with the window open in 40 degree weather. She won't work, refuses to leave her room except to disappear for awhile then come back and get high for days. She's sleeping with men for drugs and money. I took away the car, I stopped buying cigarettes, I barely buy food. She keeps relapsing after promising she was done. She calls the police on me constantly saying I abuse her and telling people I assaulted her when I dumped iced tea in her lap once because she refused to get out of my car and was screaming at me. I have to take care of my grandson. She can't even get him up for school or give him his meds. I am going to file as soon as I can get the money to. I am so broke.
Nate and Tommy… Thank you both for your podcast! I’m needing to learn how to set boundaries with someone in my life. This is very insightful🩶
I just lost my sister last week. She nearly died at the start of the year but survived. I sorted her flat out and offered my help. I really thought id got my sister back. Not long after getting out of hospital she started pushing me away. She said i was like the police. The last month befire she passed i didnt talk to her so now i feel really guilty i didnt do more.
I cant wrap my head around how nearly dying in January wasnt her rock bottom. She was in a coma for a week and then a further 3 weeks in hospital. I dont understand how this horrible drug took over her will to survive.
This Mom thanks you for your stories; my 31 yr. old, alcoholic son is on his way to being homeless in Chicago - 15 yrs. of me trying:( Btw; I love gas station food...for real I do my laundry at the gas station laundromat & love the donuts & roller dogs;)
Thank you for letting me remember...I did what I did with the information I had at the time.
Thank you for this. I am trying to learn how to stick to the boundaries and not give in. So thank you.
It's okay to say that alcoholism is a moral failure, it's the truth and we all fail. Really enjoying these conversations, Thank you!
Alcoholism has nothing to do with morality!!
That's a big GUILT TRIP... it's an ADDICTION😢
Thank you
Roller dog 🐶 😂I’m cracking up at this intro
My son got out of ICU -- life support / lived - now had 3 days week dialysis-- allllll from cannabis!!!!!!!! Was top of class mvp in everything/ traveled Europe ect ect church -- ya -- as soon as he got home -- where’s my stash …. Ohhh -- but we’re in the f ing system too who wants people to die -& they will just label / over medicate him til he dies
I watch stories like this and feel irritated a bit. These "success" stories are wonderful, yet I cannot help but notice that so many that I watch and read about are of those who have intact intellect and cognitive skills (temporarily thwarted by substance use), employable when sober, privileged background, avg to high IQ, minimal/moderate mental health issues (not severe, disabling psychosis prone ones), little personal/family trauma, of the dominant culture (white), little to no learning disabilities, able bodied etc... basically they can envision a "future" in society if sober. What about ex-con, psychotic disorder, personality disorder, severe trauma, learning disability, head injury, poverty background, no skills, basically unemployable, no education, no family, etc... In order to build an effective recovery system, we need complete inclusion, addressing all inequalities caused by our failed war on drugs so that everyone struggling with substance use can get the help they need. Only then can we achieve true equity within our society when it comes to substance use. Does tough love work for comorbidity issues or is it a death sentence?
I could not agree more with you the words you put in comments explain exactly how I feel! I’m not irritated I’m angry nobody knows what dealing with a child that has psychosis is all about until you’ve lived it. When you’re on the front lines of dealing with a meth addict in full-blown psychosis nightmare makes sense. There is no help over and people don’t care just one more drug addict.
Husband plays 10-20hours a day plus porn, mj, fast food, coffee, social media and gambling addiction. We rarely get an hour with him that is only pleasant 25%of the time. We get the angry guy that doesn't want to help or do any responsibilities. Our 3 year old doesn't have a father even though he lives in the house. We get to hear him having fun with others all day with the occasional flirting and bullying. Yes im divorcing him, I have been financially abused for a while now so it has been challenging. Free places that help ppl are full. Taking this time to do my work to never be in this situation again.
Oh we r in California
Thank you for the amazing videos. I had to tell my wife to stop drinking or move to her son's house. She left and now she calls drunk and wants to fight on the phone. Is there anything I can do for her and myself?
don’t answer it for a while 😂
Thank you both! Do you know how I can find out about reputable free rehabs and reputable sober living houses in the Cincinnati area? It’s for our 24 year old daughter. DOC is meth
I have a family member that needs help can you send me a list of centers
How do l find you first program? Canadian fan
My brother had been using crack for 5 years before my mum died, and other stuff before that. They were always arguing about rent, towards the end he was becoming violent towards her and she suffered dementia. She didn’t leave a will and we fought over probate, he wants everything and courts don’t agree. Courts made a decision in February in my favour, but since then nothing has happened, still waiting for probate to be granted to new administrator. It’s been over 3 years since she died. So by default the tardiness of the law system has enabled him to lose his job, his sister and his health. He could be dead or in prison or hospital and I wouldn’t know.
I can relate to your story. My brother is addicted to alcohol and drugs. Since our parents died in the last 4 years, he has spiraled into a deeper addiction. I have taken on the parental role for him as his life is out of control. I am angry, sad and so unsure of what I can do to support him towards sobriety.
Would like to hear about boundaries when loved ones are in recovery.
Me too !
What if you can no longer afford to pay for treatment? Insurance only covers so much & always reduces benefits before the program is finished.
What about the kids living with the active addict ? Boundaries are even more difficult
My rule was, if you are in active addiction you cannot live at home.
@@sarahlockridge7879if you are a kid it is not your home. You are truly a victim to the adults choices and behaviour until it’s time you can leave.
Do you have contacts in Alberta Canada
i wish so bad you guys were in canada. I am losing my sister
Very sad when family members don’t even care about YOU anymore but they don’t. They need mental hospitals to rewire a neurological disease. They need to re learn how to be human with disciplined steps.
😢
Great video !
Hi! How can we please reach out to you for help?
John
27:21 where r u located? I need help with my son
Upland CALIFORNIA
Why are you on my feed?
Soooo...what you're saying is gas station food is bad? It's almost like you are just discovering this, Tommy.
My oldest son is struggling. I came to know about his addiction just 3 days ago. My younger son saw him take meth. He reported to me but the second day my older son left Delhi for Dehradun on a motorcycle. I am far away from his location. I sent my younger son to find him and extend help and support. I'm worried about my younger son. He's exhausted. My older son has one week before he has to return to his army base. I am so confused. I and my younger son have kept this news between us. His mother won't be able to digest this tragic news. She's already so stressed out taking care of her mother in South India. I'm finding it so difficult to tolerate each passing day. I am told that he's borrowing money from all his army friends. My younger son is a university student and he's more than confused and anxious. Don't understand what to do. It's different here in India. My addict son doesn't want to accept that he has a disease.
Unfortunately your son won’t get better until he accepts his disease and is ready to change. I pray that he will soon. ❤
Former Plymouth resident - Tommy is lucky he survived his Pilot corn dog experience.
Like I said how did you land up on my newsfeed. Go away!
Real simple click on button that says do not recommend. FYI you takin time to comment will only set your algorithm to see more videos like this
Someone stopped taking their meds😮
3 minutes of fkn hotdogs.byeeee
This whole thing is a shitshow in anycase