What Does A Fearful Avoidant Need When Dating An Anxious Attachment Partner?
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- Опубликовано: 9 июл 2024
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In this video, Thais Gibson explores the essential needs of the fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment style) and anxious attachment style (anxious preoccupied attachment style) relationship.
Watch now to find out these needs and the importance of expressing them to your anxious partner as Thais offers up some useful tips and insights.
To learn more, explore the empowering course, "The Fearful Avoidant & Anxious Preoccupied Relationship," for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your transformative journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:38 - Fear of Losing the Relationship to Oneself
00:02:09 - Validation of One's Own Space and Time
00:03:29 - Know, Meet and Communicate Needs
00:06:26 - Need to Explore
00:08:28 - 14-Day Free Trial: FA-AP Relationship
00:08:50 - Absent of Pressure and Expectation
00:10:40 - Need for Challenge
00:12:02 - Breaks From Constant Communication
00:12:38 - Conclusion
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Fearful Avoidants! Let us know if this video resonated with you! Please share in the comments ❤
Thanks. The problem is, for many partners, we learn the full scope and direction of our FA's needs only after the relationship has fallen to pieces, seemingly out of nowhere. In an attempt to understand the mystery, and what went wrong, we stumble upon attachment theory.
Yep. I agree. Realized too late but also realize that I can’t be constantly walking on eggshells and measuring my words.
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of her. Despite my efforts to bring her back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for her, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing her.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Sorry to hear that but it's been a month. Give it time. The pain will ease, you'll be able to lift your head high again and put yourself out there.
Thanks for sharing. Give yourself and her some time. In the meantime, work on yourself. Just remember, things always work out.
It would be infinitely more easy to receive from APs if they gave because they wanted to give and not because they wanted to get something back. I feel weird about it but receiving from my DA partner feels safe, receiving from an AP however feels like a giant weight hanging over your head ready to fall if you make a wrong move. "After everything I've done for you..." is a phrase used to guilt trip and manipulate.
Understandable. APs would frequently blame themselves, thinking they did something bad, which can also be exhausting.
If you feel they're giving with the expectation to receive, they might not be just AP.
The APs I know, besides me, are quite generous people.
All in all, I think all people give in order to receive something back, one way or another. As long as there's no manipulation I have no problems with that.
It's the lack of consistency that is so hard to figure out. FAs can be all in one minute and then pull away and want independence and fear they're losing themselves to the relationship when for the AP its just carrying on as it's been going. That the FA often isn't able to articulate their needs (much less work on their core wounds) makes it even harder to fathom.
I agree with you. The sad part is, FAs don’t even know what attachment they are until things start crumbling down.
What's so crazy is how the FA will block others from meeting their needs, my FA ex said it felt unauthentic/fake that I tried to do things that she enjoyed, she'd say it felt like a burden to her, but she could do bend to meet my needs and that was ok to her. An amazing example of the FA blocking love/needs getting met then wonder why it doesn't feel right. Blaming it on the fact we just weren't right for each other and things should just BE. Instead of doing the work on her FA attachment style. Has anyone else experienced this?
I have. It truly hurts. We had so many similarities and loved spending time together. She actually introduced me to new things I enjoy but it's as if she didn't trust that. I always showed up for her but then at the breakup she made it seem like we were so different and we trigger each other even though she also said we definitely help calm each other and she absolutely trusts me. I'm hoping the no contact space gives us a chance to meet again and start new. I suffered from a backstabbing friend/business partner that put me in a bad spot-just wanted to shut down, didnt get paid, had no apt because the job was gone, etc. I tried hard to not lean on her for venting and was making sure i didnt ask to move in even though she mentioned it could happen if need be. Definitely stressful, i just needed time to clear my head and get the job i was waiting for during the application process(took 4 months applying). Then she broke up with me.
The business was so very stressful on me and i fought to not let it affect us as she had some family deals going on. I love her very much. We were there for each other, encouraged each other, cooked and danced in the kitchen, then bam it was gone. I feel the connection was scary especially after her nasty past ex and i was bogged down with narccistic business partner.
Im in a healthier place now with the friend gone but i truly hope her and I can rekindle at some point. I have funds now to even do couples counseling to figure out where i need to improve communication. The craziest part was we were never nasty or mean just seems we needed more time to figure out traumas/triggers and such. I loved showing her and letting her do her first oil change- her accomplishments were awesome. She said all her exes and guy friends would make her feel she couldnt learn or do things. I would be there with her when she had questions and support. I know I could do better now without the toxic business and friend.
Thanks for reading and take care!
Yes, I've experienced it as well. The sabotage is unreal.
Yes, I've had this. My FA ex did a range of things to sabotage the relationship, and when she ended it pinned all of the blame on me, even to the extent of making up some pretty bizarre things. I'm viewing things with compassion. It must be really hard having to deal with stuff that forces such peculiar behavior.
@@AG-bx1cc I'm trying to do the same as far as the compassion. I've had some hard times in life and value alone time as well so I can somewhat understand. Seeing how her exes had betrayed her trust or were nasty to her over text makes it hard, however. Never being aggressive with each other and then feeling as if I'm the same as the others. It's still her choice. I just hope she can find it in her that she found a guy capable of communication that likes her for her, and that throwing it away doesn't solve her own conflicts.
My ex is an FA. We recently came back into each other’s lives, but I’ve grown so much through the 5 months of not seeing him and working on myself that I see him differently now. We think we want the FA, and while that might be true if we focus more on ourselves and our own self improvement the more you realize how much you want someone who is willing to stick by you and work on themselves too. Life is too precious not to live it fully with a partner that isn’t afraid to help themselves heal. They have to realize there’s a problem and be humble enough to admit to themselves they need to do better because they want to be better. You can’t want it for them.
Thais, you are a great educator and this info is so appreciated.
I notice that the shifting of FAs from the Anxious to Dismissive leaning during a relationship isn't addressed a bunch. That seems to be the where the difficulty arises is when they lean more Anxious in the beginning (creating the bond w/ openness and vulnerability) and then become triggered and shift more dismissive because they feel too exposed and their fear of abandonment, distrusting you (because you care for someone who is broken so there must be something wrong with you) starts. Unfortunately, the FA also is walled off and has devalued the relationship and doesn't see it as worth the work at this point. They also deny or avoid reminders that they ever saw it differently then they do now (DA-ish).
Is there ways to reengage the FA, or do they need to wait until they have left that relationship and are back in more the AP space to use the lessons?
Can’t wait for a video of two FA’s together 🙏🏼
❤
Oh yes
Understood everything and I have the deepest empathy for FAs. I am an AP and I recently broke up with an FA. Nobody prepares you for this shit, and I have been struggling to hold all my pain in my heart and move on with my life.
All I can say is, it really doesnt matter. Whether they are an FA or not, nothing really changes until and unless you want to change. So, instead of investing on someone who is emotionally half hearted, invest on yourself. Pull your energy and heal your insecurities. Wish healing and clarity unto your partner.
Really, its not worth it. At one point, you will be drained if you are an AP with an FA
This REALLY helped me. Although my partner and I are both FA's this video actually described the dynamics of our relationship because he leans more DA so it's causing me to be more anxious which is weird.
My partner and I are both reading the mindfulness book 30 Days to Reduce Anxiety by Harper Daniels and it's been helpful...learning simple mindfulness meditation techniques and discussing them together.
This is usefull 😄 my ex was an AP. I am a FA.
Can you please make a serie aboute FA and DA? 😁😁
As usual awesome video ❤
Thank you Thais. I've watched many of your videos and all have little nuggets of information I have taken aware. This one had a particularly useful bit that pertains to my situation (Secure leaning AP with a FA ex) that I've been trying to pinpoint. Where I would usually think of it as boundaries and expressing needs, you called this out as their "need for a challenge"; which framed it a little different for me and helped me understand why they need this; let alone why it's important for my own needs. My relationship is over unfortunately, but understanding this as to why things ended is helping me to move on, and if they did ever come back I would be able to recognize this.
I always look forward to your videos; they've helped get me through a lot. And your book was fantastic. So many attachment books are very negative, but yours was far more positive. I'm about to start the second one.
Outstanding and more than helpful. Thank you so much. ❤
I’m an FA now dating someone who is very securely attached, any advice there? I’m having a ton of relationship anxiety but they are being so kind!
Congratulations on finding someone so kind! As an AP leaning secure, My FA just tells me he needs to think about things and its my cue to leave him alone. My FA also tells me BEFORE full deactivation. If he is feeling even the slightest annoyance, he will tell me so it doesn't get bad. My advice to your secure partner is to never take anything personal. My FA doesn't really explain his thoughts in the moment and I dont ask. Eventually he will leave me bits and pieces that gives me a picture of his deactivation. Key is be proactive of your feelings and don't let your guilt weigh you down to full deactivation.
Wow ,that's
very intriguing and deep!
I hope to grasp that on a deep level at some point because I can see and feel that it's important & positive knowledge in having better chances of possibly having a successful relationship with someone someday. Sweet& Generous
Your heart and mind seem so incredibly healthy, clear, and giving. 🍎
I'm an almost secure AP thanks to PDS, but I'm in a situationship still with an FA. My to need for security is diametrically opposed to his need to have many casual friendships with women (he had three doting older sisters). I've worked a lot on my abandonment wound from my marriage.
Thanks for this new video. You look great.
❤
Loved this video! It was very informative!!
Thanks San :)
I had an FA coworker want to start hanging out with me, and I agreed because I enjoy making friends. We went to Starbucks, but I had misplaced my wallet and felt bad because I couldn't pay; she offered to pay for me and was fine with it. Then the following week, we went to an affordable restaurant and I paid, but not without a tremendous amount of resistance from her. And that was all it took. We never hung out again.
I get that...FA don't like taking "charity"
@@GG17250 But how is doing the exact same thing for me not "charity"?
I know this; it stems from the home situation where your needs where constantly unmet by caregiver, you ultimately conclude that you can’t trust your caregiver to meet your needs and as you grow you do that with everyone and you develop a sense of shame around asking and receiving. Shit place.
@@karabosebowa9836 Yeah, I can't imagine how hard that must be to navigate. I'm sorry if you're going through it because it sounds horrible. :(
It's so hard to figure out exactly what my style is and what my ex's is. I thought this was him and I (him FA, me AP) but actually, I see a bit of FA in me. Its like he and I would flip back and forth from FA and AP. And I only just met my own avoidant side recently. I'm learning to validate and manage it. These videos are really helpful, thank you. Though I suppose more in terms of just giving me insight and answers. He broke up with me again in June and then, for the first, actually blocked me and ghosted me. After 5 years of being together. So I suppose trying to figure him out or us out or what happened and why and how isn't a good use of energy nearly 6 months later. Still, useful for me. Thank you 🙏🏻
Is this even after healing like an FA-earned secure, just completely case by case basis, or unaware Fearful-avoidant's? I'm in the healing stage, doing my courses, but only the emotional regulation is mostly automatic for me now, In trying to date but keep doing the FA hot and cold.
I find most of these videos on you are for dating partners from many of the content creators but what about people that have been married for 10-15 plus years
Lol, feels like you have made this video for me and about me. I love my AP, he is an amazing guy, a 10, but he can get so overwhelming and I hate feeling like I can’t be my own self. I know he means no harm but Yoh. 😭😂 I need to start the work and dive deep into this, hopefully it will help me understand myself, my needs and how to communicate them better.
Good luck!!
That 'Yoh' was definitely South African. I hear you, sisi 😂😂
@@somilaify the “yoh” needs to make it to the dictionary. 😂😂😂😂
Im an FA working on secure attachment. Do you advise not dating during the 3-4month reprogramming? A man wants to date me and it's triggering my FA programming right now. I feel really overwhelmed. I don't want to be FA in a dating phase. I question if this is a good time...
I'd like to know this too
Yes as an FA I need my partner to not be co-dependent of me!
This is the confusing thing though, as in that early period FAs are often just as full on as the AP, so when the FA then pulls back and says about independence it can often seem to come out of nowhere, especially when the FA makes it out like it was "just" the AP that was driving things rather than both feeding off one another.
Mmmh personally at the beginning its not that im being co depend of you, but because i just met you and its the honey moon stage im more comfortable in communicating with you and showing up for you a bit more, but once you start asking for that more often than ill start to feel overwhelmed and thats when ill ghost either entirely or for a few weeks to regulate myself and feel free and like myself again
@@Twighlight333well that's still on the FA. I feel your comment is still putting blame on the AP. It boils down to trust and communication. If you explain you need time and they are cool with it, then that's a good sign. If you ask for a couple days to recharge and they hound you then that's something for them to work on.
@@thevikingbeard89 i am putting blame on the AP, im speaking from personal experience with a few APs in my life, my communication is very crystal clear, i explain im busy and i even have gotten to the point where i give an explanations, and show them my calendars with all my appointments and instead of them understanding and being patient with me they actually have the audacity to ask me to squeeze them in!!! No! If im not squeezing you in its for a reason... and that reason is i want to be alone to regulate my thoughts and emotions and relax and not feel and definitely not feel needed in those moments by anyone and if you cant understand that, and it makes you feel unloved then we just cant be together.
@@Twighlight333And did you actually frame that communication in a way that reassured the AP that you weren't abandoning them but just need some alone time or did you just say that you need time to yourself? The two are very different. This can be especially confusing if in the early days and weeks all the time in the world was found to get to know one another and form the attachment.
Bottom line: a successful relationship with AP/FA is doomed to failure unless both communicate with empathy and ACTIVELY work of core wounds…and yes I do mean DOOMED.
Im a FA and feel like the healthier I’ve become the more I attract other FAs whereas in the past I used to attract DAs and I leaned more on my AP side. My Avoidant side shows up more now. I’m just seeing it for what it is. Thais. Please point me to FA to FA videos.
Have you also noticed your attraction for DA's getting weeker?
This doesn’t sound like FA needs. This sounds like needs for anyone in general.