My husband and I just realised in the last week or so that we fit this relationship dynamic. Going on our 8th year of marriage. We have so much still to work on, but I’m also really proud of us for our commitment to and communication with each other. Vulnerability really is the key. These videos are amazingly insightful and helpful! Thank you!
Your story gives me hope..as its 8 years of my relationship in this dynamic and after 6 months of being separated ( obvious reasons) my fearful avoidant partner is back again. The relationship was filled with love never hate or bitterness so it was always was confusing why my partner would run away. We just realized about this attachment theory and we are seeing this is bang on for this ongoing cycle. So now we are both committed to getting counseling to get the tools to help navigate this elephant in the room. So thank you ..for your story💗💗
How do you make a woman communicate, while she thinks she is winning by silent treatment, when in fact, she is losing. The guy's presence, trust, and respect for her
I don't know if this is a general trait, but I've noticed that APs love to talk. It's almost how I peg them AP. When APs go into their anxious side, it kind of triggers us FAs - like we want to reassure/soothe APs to bring calmness back, and it's almost as though we're trying to calm ourselves, because we start feeling their anxiety. I think it brings out the FA's avoidant side - where we want to bring them back to reality by talking to them rationally. APs can be very hard on themselves to where it can be heartbreaking to witness.
Thanks for commenting this. I'm an AP currently holding down a big manual GIVE SPACE JUST GIVE THE FRICKIN' SPACE lever in my brain, in order to honor an FA's needs. It really helps me stay grounded/objective to hear perspective from the other side and be reminded that, as much as I want to just drown him in affection, my obvious anxiety has surely been affecting him and I don't want him to feel any extra guilt triggered by feeling bad on my behalf. I know rationally that I'm doing the right thing by trying to shut up more, but it's so hard to FEEL like it's true lol, so yeah, really helps to be reminded that me trying too hard can be/most likely is a source of additional pain for him. Thank you for your insight. I hope things are going well for you and any relationship you're in, OP
I find that if someone is highly avoidant, having an open discussion about triggers and needs can feel like an agreement to try and meet each others needs, which in turn feels like a contract. It can make them feel even more trapped, and maybe a little too seen. I'm not sure the work around, but it feels exhausting, and truly like walking over land mines to keep from spooking them.
Agreed. No matter what I say or how I say it, she doesn't want to face what needs to be done, reel feelings, being vulnerable, talking about boundaries. The ultimate gaslighter. I don't think I'll stick around much longer. She is mostly unconscious of her behavior and I'm pulling all the weight ugh.
I'm on the same boat, i told my wife that if she can't admit that her emotional DIstancing is part of the communication problem I'm calling an attorney tomorrow. She text me and told me to call her that night. Ignored 12 years if me addressing it over and over til I was ready for divorce. We're seperated and she finally feels free... Like wtf. Doesn't even miss me, it hurts so bad. It's like she's trying to avoid her way out of my life cause that's what makes her comfortable. I feel for her struggle, but I'm worth more than that
@@michaelhill2933I'm SURE she misses you. That's. Just the distancing you're seeing. I get to kinda peek around the curtain here and there with my husband because I am close with his family (and I guess he's in denial or unaware of that?) But he will give me that ice cold "what? You haven't been talking to me? I haven't noticed cuz im having so much FUN over here!" Type of attitude but apparently once he hangs up it's clearly not the case With a FA if you're getting the "I don't miss you" vibes....it's a good sign that it's actually affecting them SO MUCH that they need to shut down.
@@michaelhill2933try "listen. I care about you. I HOPE you care about me otherwise idk what we've been doing for xxamount of years. It would really hurt me to have to walk out of your life completely, but right now, THIS hurts TOO(don't specify what "this" is. She knows) I need to kinda regulate myself and figure out what I really want. I hope you'll do the same. I'll ttyl" then cut off contact for at LEAST a week....up to 6 weeks. Gauge it off of HER efforts to reach out to YOU. Don't respond to some little shit. Wait until she shows you that emotional availability that you're looking for. THEN YOU decide when the conversation will happen. She's not afraid of losing you because she doesn't know what that looks like yet
@@justsomeguy5417 I talked to her yesterday and she's calling lawyers. She doesn't want to wait, she wants a divorce. My guess is she'll file and in 8-10 months she'll regret it. Either that or there is somebody else already
My boundaries were never respected.. I had to compromise every part of me to fit in.. It hurts..today i am 20 years old and i feel like a dsyfunctional adult who doesn't know how to love and have relationships.
Keep working on yourself, keep looking for the answers and be patient. You'll be fine! Something that most 20 year olds forget is that things aren't as bad as they seem and things don't have to be good right now. Life has a way of working itself out as longs as you let yourself feel around in the dark as you grow towards the light.
I think you should know that you don't have to be perfect to love and have beautiful relationships. You just have to work on being mindful and self aware. It appears you are on your way. Try meditation and journaling. Wish you luck.
^^^ Same for me too. Only when it really hit me that people disrespect me is when i get angry is when i start standing up for myself by being aggressive and then being anxious and feeling bad afterwards
If you want a relationship to work you have to make sure you communicate your boundaries well, and tell them this is what I NEED the other person is not a mind reader. You need to communicate your needs and wants. If yo need space tell them, but in a way that says you’re not angry or mad, but that you need some time and space. I find that FA fail to communicate their needs and just expect to be understood. That’s not gonna happen. If you’re feeling vulnerable or with anxiety comunícate that to them.
I have the issue when the honeymoon phase is over I feel the relationship is, too. I do the little drama things to get the spark back. I hate this but do not know how to stop this. I don't t feel comfortable in the boredom phase. And I feel I have both of these attachment styles as does he.
I can relate to this. Especially when you grew up in a chaotic home. Took me 10 years to finally realize and am working on stabilizing my relationship. This used to jeopardize almost every relationships i was in. As soon as the lust/ honeymoon phase wore off...i was causing drama or looking for next high.
When my partner used to drop me off at my house after an evening out id suddenly bring up issues so we could talk and he would ask me.. Why do you keep doing this?
You might be fearful leading to the anxious side. Good place to start is just being aware of what you are doing. Imagine viewing your behaviour as an outsider.
Hey been there, I'm sorry you went through that. It wasn't your fault, if you try to have the open conversations and facilitate growth and the other person just isn't ready to do that, then it's just misfortune/misalignment and not a reflection on you! (As a fellow AP this is so much easier for me to reinforce for others than tell myself lol 😂 but it's true dangit!) Hope you've been feeling better since then, AP solidarity 🤜🤛
@@ItsAsparageese I didn’t expect any replies, you’re so sweet! It’s been a year and I’m in a much much better spot, very happy actually! 😊 Thanks for the kind words, it really does mean a lot!
Currently going throw this exact same situation and came across your comment here. I wanted to commit and work but she just left because apparently it wasnt worth the fight for her
I love ur videos where the sound is clear like this one :-) I want to adress that being the anxious its hard to be with an avoidant but not so much vice versa cause u can't force the avoidant to be with u so they will always kind of get their need for separation met. Ur only strategy if the avoidant don't want to discuss the needs/relation is to break up and that still doesn't satisfy ur needs. It would be very good to see the phases/settling video to know what is normal to need/want, and when its normal/just to back off and give space. To determine if its me or the other who is demanding to much separation/togethernes. And to know when to give up and when to keep working. Thanks a lot. you're the best out there :-)
I'm triggered by this video lol! What type are you I'm fearful avoidant. You perfectly described my most serious relationship which lasted 2 years before I finally broke it off. We started off so strong and I felt love like never before. Over time I kept feeling more and more like I didn't have enough time to myself. She would constantly call and wanted to hang out all the time. She would throw tantrums and use comments about co-workers that hit on her to make me jealous. I would get super angry and resentful. Over time it deteriorated though I still felt like I love her. In the end I broke it off because I wasn't ready for the commitment.
You’ve shed so much light on the patterns I’ve seen myself and my past partners go through. I remember in the past always feeling so confused, hurt, and helpless. I appreciate your insights. It’s helping me understand myself and heal. Thank you, Thais. ❤️
This is why in the very beginning you lay the groundwork of how interactions will go. For FA’s it’s about space and independence, so as the PA you’d say “tell me your needs and ideas of how this situation will proceed” and from that you’ll take a look at what they say and you negotiate…. I can accept this, but I need this. But what most important is to recognize a real need and you as the PA trying to satisfy your need to monitor your mate. Constant communication is not a need, that’s you monitoring….. so be careful. Also, remember EVERYONE needs space, as a PA you need your personal time aswell.
This is great. This was my ex and I. I wish I learned all of this before the marriage ended and the volatility and resentment built up to the point where she didn’t want to work on the marriage anymore.
Thanks for sharing this. I love your insights. Have been with a fearful avoidant for three years and I am anxious. You are right that I feel both of us wants to be heard and understood.
I never knew I was an anxious attachment until I met this avoidant attachment, we never got to the irl dating stage but we texted each other all day every day for two month, it was alot of pushing and pulling from her and I was so anxious all the time, but when it was good it was really good, eventually her anxiety got too bad and she felt pressured because our relationship was starting to get real and she dropped me, we connected very strongly emotionally but in the end she dropped me and got back with her toxic ex one day after she left me because she said I was too good for her and she would only hurt me again and again. She said I was good enough, but I don't think I was.
Danggggg! Well I also am anxious while the one I like is fearful N I must say it is almost seem like a complete waste of time I’m really thinking about going ghost this just to much
Learning how to date and progress the dates into a relationship according to each of the attachment styles would be great. I find that I talk about the weather and other inconsequential aspects of our lives in the first couple of dates and they stagnate.
I'm healing AP, pretty sure my kids father is FA. We have been separated for a few years and only communicate from a distance. I really relate to the closeness you describe in the beginning followed by chaos. And your description of his chaotic upbringing and trauma fits
Tried to date an FA as AP. It was really good when it was good then it was over. Same pattern on two tries. We talk as friends, progress into a weird nebulous situationship, hit a peak of closeness then nosedive into blockland. It’s very distressing to me and I would always try to push her to talk to me so we can fix things but she would just turn into a brick wall. No warmth, no interest, just silence. It was almost 2 yrs between our first and second try. I was worried about her the entire time we were apart she moved on immediately. Learned various lessons from that “relationship” lol
Me and my hubby (polyamorous) had a very intence and beautifull encounter with a FA woman. It was good when it was good, but when issue's came up we were completely stonewalled. We have pretty good communication style, as this video confirms, did everything by the book. But even expressing a negative emotion in a calm way was so triggering to her that she broke it off and tried to get back with us next day, did this a couple of times withing the span of a week, whe she would say I want to never see you again and next day asking to meet up. Like make up your mind woman.
Thank you for this video. It’s exactly my partner and I and we are working through our triggers and issues. Thank you for how simple you teach things and explain them in a way that we can understand this. Definitely will be doing your courses.
Ok I've spent months after the break up believing my ex is dismissive avoidant. But she was showing 1 sign of fearful right after honeymoon phase. 2 days in the same week she came home from work and told me how 2 different guys hit on her at work place. I shrugged it off. But now I remember that during the honeymoon phase she mentioned twice, how she believes that jeaoulasy is a sign that you really like a person. She was talking like jealousy was not a bad thing to have in a relationship. Oh I'm so worried now. We work together in weekends and I noticed that she just started getting anxious when i decided to move on. She had been avoidant for year during the relationship. I haven't moved on yet. Only decided that I should. I'm gonna be so fucked up if she's fearful and now started embracing her Anxious side. I'm an anxious style so I would give in easily and we would get right back in the roller coaster. If we do, I don't know how I can educate her about attachment styles. She's very stubborn. You know what! If she does try to re-kindle that's 1 more sign that she's not dismissive avoidant. And if it comes to that, I will go out with her once and try to find out more about her childhood. This time I'm listening with the knowledge I have gained so I would be able to recognize the traumas and figure out which one she is. If it's dismissive I can work with it. If it's fearful, Thais, I'm your new client 😐
It felt like they shoved me into unsettled waters and I am struggling trying to keep myself afloat and they see that and throw a fit while they’re still on land, screaming at me, “what about me!” My anxious friend kept coming at me with a long text full of accusations and blame that I drifted away, destroyed our friendship, ruined something amazing. “You took this away from me. I don’t trust you to open up anymore, you ruined our friendship, you alone pulled the plug on it”. And I was already hurt by something that triggered me and made me pull away and every time they said these things my wounds which have only began to heal, they would open them up again. Our friendship eventually ended in a very bad way. After 1 whole year of this. Not once did they come and try to talk to me whenever they were feeling something. Instead they let it all out at once in a resentful way. When I explained myself and why I was pulling away they would invalidate me. Telling me that I’m all over the place and that my words were comical. They would explain their hurtful behavior with them caring. And accuse me that I didn’t. And then they come and say I didn’t do anything to save our friendship. When I was doing so much. So eventually they came and told me they wanted to block me for just a while because I haven’t done anything to make it better. So I said goodbye and blocked them from every social media account they know. They cannot reach me. They cannot block me, unblock and spit so much Venom to feel better then block me again before I could say anything. I don’t feel sad I feel liberated. Yes I lost a friend and I miss them. But they have pushed me too too far. So much has been said. Too much has been done. Everything that was ever good between us has been destroyed and there’s no going back.
Basically what happens is the FA pulls away from emotional bonds, which causes the PA to question themselves which makes them seek validation but that makes the FA pull farther away. The anxious expresses their needs, but they are ignored by the avoidant except on rare occasions. The avoidant bread crumb the anxious one because they are also in fear of abandonment until the anxious one is starving to death and insecure. Then the avoidant basically dismisses the anxious one because they get too clingy and controlling. It's sad. If youre anxious stay away from all avoidants. They'll destroy your confidence and well being. you'll spend years trying to fix it. Its not an attack or a blame thing on avoidants, it's just what happens. It's not the avoidants fault they fear emotional bonds. It was instilled in them. On the surface it does look abusive though. So don't take it personally if you are an avoidant
Thank you for these amazing videos with so much enlightening information and help. This is really helped me see things even more clearly and I see the two sides of the coin between the unconscious fear and struggle to live accompanied with the unconscious fear and struggle for closeness and intimacy. What is life without others and what is life without love?
I love your video, I learned more than in a lot of books and other videos all together. Also I like you voice, it's very soothing, and the fact that you talk fast, it makes it easier fo me to listen. :)
Im AP; and I'm most afraid at the honeymoon phase. I just want stability and reliability. I usually get most comfortable and safe once the honeymoon phase is over. But I just got left by a FA during that period so guess I should learn to be less comfortable... 😥
I’m confused. Before I heard people calling fearful avoidant and anxious attachment being one and the same thing. How can they be different styles then? So confused please please clarify what are the key differences? :) thank you!
I'm going to do a full vid on this! But to be super clear: A. Anxious Attachment is a style B. Fearful Avoidant is a style (but is sometimes called "Anxious-Avoidant - this has the anxious side of the attachment spectrum as well as the Dismissive Avoidant side, hence the name) --- so basically Fearful Avoidant expresses both sides of the spectrum dependent on external and internal factors! Great question :)
My Lord. You just described me. I suspect some shade from my partner, so I broke it off and blocked without even an explanation from him. It's going to be a lie, anyway. It's better to check out, for me, than to become his FOOL. I loved him deeply. But I have had a gut feeling SO BAD lately. Sooo. Yeah. I'd rather not love than to be hurt.
how do you do this when your overwhelmed? Its easy to think of when i'm not overwhelmed, and thinking logically, but usually when i'm in these situations i'm fairly overwhelmed and am confused. When its anyone but me...
Hi, so the fearful avoidant actually overlaps with both anxious attachment and dismissive... if you feel you are both anxious and fearful avoidant, then you're probably fearful avoidant, as anxious attachment is a part of that... does that make sense?
Hi! I've been watching a lot of these videos you've made after my therapist talked about attachment styles and after my friend got into your videos specifically. I have an auditory processing issue so I end up having to watch sections repeatedly to understand what is being said. I was wondering if there was a possibility of having your videos subtitled for hearing impaired/auditory processing issues? Thank you for the work you do!
@@kaliwalton oh wow. Is it at least an improvement on what was there before? How long between the break up and getting back together? Wish you all the best!
@@davidwoodling4070 it was, but then every few months goes back to before. about 2 months before we got back together and everything was great. when it comes to the big stuff like meeting family, saying i love you etc, it's a no go. its definitely exhausting, appreciate the wishes, you too!
As an FA I can not be friends, associate or definitely be in a romantic relationship with an AP the clingyness makes me feel so trapped and suffocated I have to look for the first exit to get out as fast as I can. For me dealing with APs I feel soooo drained I even get headaches… honestly I’d rather deal with the DA over the AP any day. Although the DA hurts me, the pain makes me want to go back compared to the anxious and needy that just turns me off and makes me want to run the opposite direction. Why is that? I am leaning more avoidant so could that be my issue?
Great video. Wanting to clarify a statement about 25:55 about the communication with her partner and keeping it "ten yack deep" or "tenyacktity"? can't quite clarify what is said and wondered if it is an official type term or just between partners as an effort to open a safe discussion. Thank you for the clarification
Yes, the fearful avoidant is a combination of dismissive and anxious attachment style, so if you think you are both, it's probably because you fall into the fearful avoidant category so you have some anxious qualities
I would love for you to create a video about the stages of a relationship. I so appreciate all your videos, they are immensely valuable. I am so grateful :)
Omg yes plz spend separate time ....this is a big problem I have and had with an ex friend....like one min I wanted to spend all my time w/ him, next min I felt smothered cuz he would constantly call or always want to do something. When I wanted to chill and relax away from him but always felt wrong and bad for feeling that way.
Me too, I start to feel angry when my boyfriend wants too much of my time which in turn, hurts his feelings! I can’t explain how overwhelming and annoying it feels as a FA to date a clingy and emotionally needy person.
This is my husband and I (me the FA and husband the Anxious type ). Married 7 years and two young kids and doing very well. Just want to let people know there is hope! We have been through lots of counseling separately and as a couple. We have grown so much. There are still moments for sure but the more skills you learn the better off you are. Our biggest thing is when my husband hurts my feelings the apology is simple and sincere and I easily accept. However if I am the offender... We both are triggered and hours of emotional arguments ensue.
It’s the opposite for me! My husband forgives so easily, but I have such a hard time letting go (I’m also the FA). I hate that about me & I don’t know how to fix it. Did you start going to therapy together & then also incorporated going on your own?
FA here. Raised in a strict religious home. Mom was extremely controlling representing God. Dad was constantly disinheriting me. I’ve been married 41 years. I want us to have better communication, connection skills and emotional intimacy. Thirty plus years sexless/touchless marriage.
my ex wife and i had this dynamic..im FA shes AP...we loved each other but also cldnt stop triggering each other..i pulled away. if id learned this sooner we wld have probably made it.
this video only shows me why I still had some hope left over my ex, but seeing his (FA) behaviors is a HUGE turn off. he doesn't commit to stuff, plays hot and cold, keeps testing me and it's EXTREMELY draining and exhausting. It came into the point where I feel hopeless and just accepting the breakup since his inconsistency has f*cked me up. Many times I asked to have some conversations about our triggers and wounds so we could try not triggering each other BUT we never rly done that. most of the times he used to come up with an excuse OR just throw a joke to run from the conversation...
Thank you! You’re explaining in such a calm and with a very understanding kind way. Please make a video about the settling in relationships. I struggle a lot to let this happen. Greetings from Germany
I watched this too late. This describes my ex and my relationship. It’s so sad because we broke up just 2 weeks ago and this could have saved our relationship.
Thais Gibson I watched this too late as well. Realize my ex is FA. Background of drug addict mother , no dad, foster sexual abuse. I knew this but never saw any real issues. We had a good relationship and I wasn’t anxious until he broke up with me. Dated almost a year. He bailed over a fight I started with him and didn’t want to talk about it. I was so shocked by him breaking up with me I was totally heartbroken and still am after months. He said down the TD we could be incompatible. Which is BS. I tried to apologize because I blamed myself. He texted at first but then shut me out. I love and miss him so much and it’s even more upsetting that he hasn’t reached out to me. Like I meant nothing. But I believe he loved me too.Months have gone by. Is no contact the same with an FA? I’ve learned so much and wish I could get another chance and also try to help him.
Khaliah .. if he is FA type, you have to contact him. Don't wait for him to contact you. It might be a testing technique. He won't contact you, cause his fear of rejection is bigger. Contact him .. and little by little, try to gain his trust back by showing love.
@@ruiveiga8380 My ex got really mad at me because I told him some other guys were contacting me. Although, I told those guys I was in a relationship, but they were still pushing. He started to pull away for this reason, but never told me this lol. Now we are talking again (cause I keep on telling him how much I care) and all this stuff is coming to surface. I keep on apologising, he said he forgave me but he is not ready yet lol. But at least, now he is talking to me. So, I'm trying slowly to gain his trust back .. he is constantly testing me 🤦🏻♀️ He is hypersensitive. Takes lot of patience, depends on how much you care for him. It will never be an easy relationship, I'm aware.
"It's like... you know... someone's walking through my minefield now and... you know... they've got huge feet!.." This made me laugh. But what you express with such natural warmth and humour is so spot on. That's exactly how I've felt it to be anyhow. I do like your content, your style is both endearing and authentic, and as an unmitigated anxious attachment type revisiting this video after many months, having - I hope and pray - learned a few lessons from immersing myself in the subject, this video still resonates with me very loudly. Love your work, Thais, so thank you.
Anxious people, why torture yourselves? The avoidant gets everything they want. They get to push and pull you around and the relationship is on their terms and conditions. You will starve to death for affection, reciprocation, communication, honesty, vulnerability, directness. In case you didn't know, these are the absolute bare minimum, basics of a relationship. You will work extremely hard (more than you should) to get the driest of dry breadcrumbs. DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELVES. Find people who will love you voluntarily, effortlessly and unconditionally. They will reciprocate your love.
This is what I dislike about the comparison of anxious and avoidant. It always makes it seems like the avoidant is this evil being and the anxious is just a saint. If an anxious individual will “starve” from lack of affection, reciprocation, communication, and honesty, then the avoidant will starve from lack of respect of boundaries, compassion, feeling misunderstood, and being seen.
@@shelby_ns3611 EXACTLY OHMYGOSH ITS NOT LIKE WE FEARFUL AVOIDANTS ARE EVIL like hello im guilty ok u can't hate me more than i hate myself but wth is with putting all the fault on us
Stumbling upon your videos this last weekend just saved my ass. I am so grateful for this. I know exactly what I need to do. This could be a beautiful relationship with an amazing ending. I’ve watched all your videos and you explain it so well. Thank you so much !!!
I truly want to thank you for changing my life. I've finally learned what was wrong and that my FA husband isn't a monster. I've also learned that I'm guilty of causing pain. Thank you very much.
I see now why I guy I was dating always tried to make me jealous & looked for me to tell him he looked nice . He a habit of jumping from women to women after 3-4 months on dating sites but desperately wanted to be loved & love back .
I am AP and told my FA that I was feeling insecure and he got mad at me and told me he is tired of my insecurity and said he constantly feels accused by me even though he feels the same and expresses similarly.
I recognise myself in the fearful avoidant and I was casually dating a anxious one. After 4 weeks of dating , the anxious went to another mens place which when I knew about it I felt how internaly sth was shutting down and my inner fears popped up as my past break ups happened because they cheated. Another point was that this anxious was using too much social media which in my experience also can lead to cheating. All these points leaded me to back and slowly becoming more defensive. The anxious afterwards blamed me being for being responsible for her sadness and those of her daughter too which then completely made me building a wall around me to protect me. She told me that she loves me but now after she decided to stop everything for me it feels as a break up. Thank you for the explanation
I struggle with asking my GF for validation liek words of affirmation which are super important to me because she has expressed that she doesn't do that well and i don't want to come off as more needy. I feel like that would push her away more maybe permanently if shes not able to say the things i want to hear. I am very anxious attachment but we've only been dating a few months and im not sure what her attachment style is yet
Hey man, I know this is hard to get vulnerable and speak our needs. It can trigger some fears that our needs makes us needy. I’d recommend spending some time thinking about what things you most want her to tell you throughout the day and then giving her those as examples of words of affirmation.
This is my husband and i. He is FA and I'm anxious. We are currently separated but have been together for 11 years. Married for 6yrs. We've known each other since we were 4! He truly is my best friend but we have work to do. I'm taking this time apart to work on myself and become more secure in my attachments. We've always been so good about being open and vulnerable to one another. Truly could talk about anything. We've had a stressful two years or so and our dynamics have worsened. I began clinging or becoming critical out of fear of losing him. He also was working a lot and we never had time together (one day a week) and i needed more love than that. We are also new to our area and hadn't made friends yet so lots of loneliness. He shutdown and distanced himself from me. He's truly confused and on the fence. I'm giving him his much needed space right now. I see we need to spend time separately and we haven't done that through the years. Any other advice on drawing him close again?
![Disorganized Attachment 101[ AKA Fearful Avoidance]](/img/1.gif)
My husband and I just realised in the last week or so that we fit this relationship dynamic. Going on our 8th year of marriage. We have so much still to work on, but I’m also really proud of us for our commitment to and communication with each other. Vulnerability really is the key. These videos are amazingly insightful and helpful! Thank you!
Thats really nice to know that you are working on that.update your experiences
Your story gives me hope..as its 8 years of my relationship in this dynamic and after 6 months of being separated ( obvious reasons) my fearful avoidant partner is back again. The relationship was filled with love never hate or bitterness so it was always was confusing why my partner would run away. We just realized about this attachment theory and we are seeing this is bang on for this ongoing cycle. So now we are both committed to getting counseling to get the tools to help navigate this elephant in the room. So thank you ..for your story💗💗
Thank you for saying that. It makes me feel better.
Happy to hear you going successfuly
How do you make a woman communicate, while she thinks she is winning by silent treatment, when in fact, she is losing. The guy's presence, trust, and respect for her
I don't know if this is a general trait, but I've noticed that APs love to talk. It's almost how I peg them AP. When APs go into their anxious side, it kind of triggers us FAs - like we want to reassure/soothe APs to bring calmness back, and it's almost as though we're trying to calm ourselves, because we start feeling their anxiety. I think it brings out the FA's avoidant side - where we want to bring them back to reality by talking to them rationally. APs can be very hard on themselves to where it can be heartbreaking to witness.
so true ! but sometime all we need is a big hug and some reassurance
Thanks for commenting this. I'm an AP currently holding down a big manual GIVE SPACE JUST GIVE THE FRICKIN' SPACE lever in my brain, in order to honor an FA's needs. It really helps me stay grounded/objective to hear perspective from the other side and be reminded that, as much as I want to just drown him in affection, my obvious anxiety has surely been affecting him and I don't want him to feel any extra guilt triggered by feeling bad on my behalf. I know rationally that I'm doing the right thing by trying to shut up more, but it's so hard to FEEL like it's true lol, so yeah, really helps to be reminded that me trying too hard can be/most likely is a source of additional pain for him.
Thank you for your insight. I hope things are going well for you and any relationship you're in, OP
@@vanessanunez1297this really fixes 99% of the anxious moments
Settling into a relationship would be a great video!
I find that if someone is highly avoidant, having an open discussion about triggers and needs can feel like an agreement to try and meet each others needs, which in turn feels like a contract. It can make them feel even more trapped, and maybe a little too seen. I'm not sure the work around, but it feels exhausting, and truly like walking over land mines to keep from spooking them.
Agreed. No matter what I say or how I say it, she doesn't want to face what needs to be done, reel feelings, being vulnerable, talking about boundaries. The ultimate gaslighter. I don't think I'll stick around much longer. She is mostly unconscious of her behavior and I'm pulling all the weight ugh.
I'm on the same boat, i told my wife that if she can't admit that her emotional DIstancing is part of the communication problem I'm calling an attorney tomorrow. She text me and told me to call her that night. Ignored 12 years if me addressing it over and over til I was ready for divorce. We're seperated and she finally feels free... Like wtf. Doesn't even miss me, it hurts so bad. It's like she's trying to avoid her way out of my life cause that's what makes her comfortable. I feel for her struggle, but I'm worth more than that
@@michaelhill2933I'm SURE she misses you. That's. Just the distancing you're seeing. I get to kinda peek around the curtain here and there with my husband because I am close with his family (and I guess he's in denial or unaware of that?) But he will give me that ice cold "what? You haven't been talking to me? I haven't noticed cuz im having so much FUN over here!" Type of attitude but apparently once he hangs up it's clearly not the case
With a FA if you're getting the "I don't miss you" vibes....it's a good sign that it's actually affecting them SO MUCH that they need to shut down.
@@michaelhill2933try "listen. I care about you. I HOPE you care about me otherwise idk what we've been doing for xxamount of years. It would really hurt me to have to walk out of your life completely, but right now, THIS hurts TOO(don't specify what "this" is. She knows) I need to kinda regulate myself and figure out what I really want. I hope you'll do the same. I'll ttyl" then cut off contact for at LEAST a week....up to 6 weeks. Gauge it off of HER efforts to reach out to YOU. Don't respond to some little shit. Wait until she shows you that emotional availability that you're looking for. THEN YOU decide when the conversation will happen. She's not afraid of losing you because she doesn't know what that looks like yet
@@justsomeguy5417 I talked to her yesterday and she's calling lawyers. She doesn't want to wait, she wants a divorce. My guess is she'll file and in 8-10 months she'll regret it. Either that or there is somebody else already
My boundaries were never respected.. I had to compromise every part of me to fit in.. It hurts..today i am 20 years old and i feel like a dsyfunctional adult who doesn't know how to love and have relationships.
Keep working on yourself, keep looking for the answers and be patient. You'll be fine! Something that most 20 year olds forget is that things aren't as bad as they seem and things don't have to be good right now. Life has a way of working itself out as longs as you let yourself feel around in the dark as you grow towards the light.
I think you should know that you don't have to be perfect to love and have beautiful relationships. You just have to work on being mindful and self aware. It appears you are on your way. Try meditation and journaling. Wish you luck.
^^^ Same for me too. Only when it really hit me that people disrespect me is when i get angry is when i start standing up for myself by being aggressive and then being anxious and feeling bad afterwards
If you want a relationship to work you have to make sure you communicate your boundaries well, and tell them this is what I NEED the other person is not a mind reader. You need to communicate your needs and wants. If yo need space tell them, but in a way that says you’re not angry or mad, but that you need some time and space. I find that FA fail to communicate their needs and just expect to be understood. That’s not gonna happen. If you’re feeling vulnerable or with anxiety comunícate that to them.
I have the issue when the honeymoon phase is over I feel the relationship is, too. I do the little drama things to get the spark back. I hate this but do not know how to stop this. I don't t feel comfortable in the boredom phase. And I feel I have both of these attachment styles as does he.
I can relate to this. Especially when you grew up in a chaotic home. Took me 10 years to finally realize and am working on stabilizing my relationship. This used to jeopardize almost every relationships i was in. As soon as the lust/ honeymoon phase wore off...i was causing drama or looking for next high.
When my partner used to drop me off at my house after an evening out id suddenly bring up issues so we could talk and he would ask me.. Why do you keep doing this?
You might be fearful leading to the anxious side. Good place to start is just being aware of what you are doing. Imagine viewing your behaviour as an outsider.
Grow up!
Tbh who cares just do you. Done with pleasing others. Im a do me now.
I’m an AP and I tried to have this conversation with my FA and she broke up with me making me feel even more insecure lol
Hey been there, I'm sorry you went through that. It wasn't your fault, if you try to have the open conversations and facilitate growth and the other person just isn't ready to do that, then it's just misfortune/misalignment and not a reflection on you! (As a fellow AP this is so much easier for me to reinforce for others than tell myself lol 😂 but it's true dangit!) Hope you've been feeling better since then, AP solidarity 🤜🤛
@@ItsAsparageese I didn’t expect any replies, you’re so sweet! It’s been a year and I’m in a much much better spot, very happy actually! 😊 Thanks for the kind words, it really does mean a lot!
@@NoahLema Sure thing ^_^ And glad to hear you're in a better place now!
Currently going throw this exact same situation and came across your comment here. I wanted to commit and work but she just left because apparently it wasnt worth the fight for her
I love ur videos where the sound is clear like this one :-) I want to adress that being the anxious its hard to be with an avoidant but not so much vice versa cause u can't force the avoidant to be with u so they will always kind of get their need for separation met. Ur only strategy if the avoidant don't want to discuss the needs/relation is to break up and that still doesn't satisfy ur needs. It would be very good to see the phases/settling video to know what is normal to need/want, and when its normal/just to back off and give space. To determine if its me or the other who is demanding to much separation/togethernes. And to know when to give up and when to keep working. Thanks a lot. you're the best out there :-)
I'm triggered by this video lol! What type are you I'm fearful avoidant. You perfectly described my most serious relationship which lasted 2 years before I finally broke it off. We started off so strong and I felt love like never before. Over time I kept feeling more and more like I didn't have enough time to myself. She would constantly call and wanted to hang out all the time. She would throw tantrums and use comments about co-workers that hit on her to make me jealous. I would get super angry and resentful. Over time it deteriorated though I still felt like I love her. In the end I broke it off because I wasn't ready for the commitment.
Would you get back with her?
This is actually blowing my mind .. i wish I found these videos years ago!
I'm fearful-avoidant and i can relate 100% to both this video and the FA-Dismissive video. Truly amazingly insightful videos. Thank you!!
Volatility is a deal breaker for the life of the relationship..
You’ve shed so much light on the patterns I’ve seen myself and my past partners go through. I remember in the past always feeling so confused, hurt, and helpless. I appreciate your insights. It’s helping me understand myself and heal. Thank you, Thais. ❤️
Please make the video about the relationship stages too, what a wonderful idea:)))you’re GOLD, LADY! ❤️👏🏼🤗thank you!!!
This is why in the very beginning you lay the groundwork of how interactions will go. For FA’s it’s about space and independence, so as the PA you’d say “tell me your needs and ideas of how this situation will proceed” and from that you’ll take a look at what they say and you negotiate…. I can accept this, but I need this. But what most important is to recognize a real need and you as the PA trying to satisfy your need to monitor your mate. Constant communication is not a need, that’s you monitoring….. so be careful. Also, remember EVERYONE needs space, as a PA you need your personal time aswell.
This is all so accurate it’s scary
This is great. This was my ex and I. I wish I learned all of this before the marriage ended and the volatility and resentment built up to the point where she didn’t want to work on the marriage anymore.
This literally explains my entire life. Thankyou So much for making this content!
Settling in! You rock girl! This is helping me so much during my breakup process. Thank you.
Yes please make a video on how to settle in to relationships. Even just normal patterns that take place as the relationship changes and grows.
Thanks for sharing this. I love your insights. Have been with a fearful avoidant for three years and I am anxious. You are right that I feel both of us wants to be heard and understood.
I never knew I was an anxious attachment until I met this avoidant attachment, we never got to the irl dating stage but we texted each other all day every day for two month, it was alot of pushing and pulling from her and I was so anxious all the time, but when it was good it was really good, eventually her anxiety got too bad and she felt pressured because our relationship was starting to get real and she dropped me, we connected very strongly emotionally but in the end she dropped me and got back with her toxic ex one day after she left me because she said I was too good for her and she would only hurt me again and again. She said I was good enough, but I don't think I was.
Danggggg! Well I also am anxious while the one I like is fearful N I must say it is almost seem like a complete waste of time I’m really thinking about going ghost this just to much
@Jan Schneider That’s heartbreaking for both of you. It's sad how trauma impacts us.
Learning how to date and progress the dates into a relationship according to each of the attachment styles would be great. I find that I talk about the weather and other inconsequential aspects of our lives in the first couple of dates and they stagnate.
I'm healing AP, pretty sure my kids father is FA. We have been separated for a few years and only communicate from a distance. I really relate to the closeness you describe in the beginning followed by chaos. And your description of his chaotic upbringing and trauma fits
I would love to see a video about how to settle into a relationship!
Tried to date an FA as AP. It was really good when it was good then it was over. Same pattern on two tries. We talk as friends, progress into a weird nebulous situationship, hit a peak of closeness then nosedive into blockland. It’s very distressing to me and I would always try to push her to talk to me so we can fix things but she would just turn into a brick wall. No warmth, no interest, just silence. It was almost 2 yrs between our first and second try. I was worried about her the entire time we were apart she moved on immediately. Learned various lessons from that “relationship” lol
Me and my hubby (polyamorous) had a very intence and beautifull encounter with a FA woman. It was good when it was good, but when issue's came up we were completely stonewalled. We have pretty good communication style, as this video confirms, did everything by the book. But even expressing a negative emotion in a calm way was so triggering to her that she broke it off and tried to get back with us next day, did this a couple of times withing the span of a week, whe she would say I want to never see you again and next day asking to meet up. Like make up your mind woman.
Thank you for this video. It’s exactly my partner and I and we are working through our triggers and issues. Thank you for how simple you teach things and explain them in a way that we can understand this. Definitely will be doing your courses.
YES. Please do video on stages of relationship & settling into it!!!!
Great videos!! 😆😆
Ok I've spent months after the break up believing my ex is dismissive avoidant. But she was showing 1 sign of fearful right after honeymoon phase. 2 days in the same week she came home from work and told me how 2 different guys hit on her at work place. I shrugged it off. But now I remember that during the honeymoon phase she mentioned twice, how she believes that jeaoulasy is a sign that you really like a person. She was talking like jealousy was not a bad thing to have in a relationship. Oh I'm so worried now.
We work together in weekends and I noticed that she just started getting anxious when i decided to move on. She had been avoidant for year during the relationship. I haven't moved on yet. Only decided that I should. I'm gonna be so fucked up if she's fearful and now started embracing her Anxious side. I'm an anxious style so I would give in easily and we would get right back in the roller coaster. If we do, I don't know how I can educate her about attachment styles. She's very stubborn.
You know what! If she does try to re-kindle that's 1 more sign that she's not dismissive avoidant. And if it comes to that, I will go out with her once and try to find out more about her childhood. This time I'm listening with the knowledge I have gained so I would be able to recognize the traumas and figure out which one she is. If it's dismissive I can work with it. If it's fearful, Thais, I'm your new client 😐
Settling snd stages of a relationship would be helpful.
It felt like they shoved me into unsettled waters and I am struggling trying to keep myself afloat and they see that and throw a fit while they’re still on land, screaming at me, “what about me!”
My anxious friend kept coming at me with a long text full of accusations and blame that I drifted away, destroyed our friendship, ruined something amazing. “You took this away from me. I don’t trust you to open up anymore, you ruined our friendship, you alone pulled the plug on it”.
And I was already hurt by something that triggered me and made me pull away and every time they said these things my wounds which have only began to heal, they would open them up again. Our friendship eventually ended in a very bad way. After 1 whole year of this.
Not once did they come and try to talk to me whenever they were feeling something. Instead they let it all out at once in a resentful way. When I explained myself and why I was pulling away they would invalidate me. Telling me that I’m all over the place and that my words were comical. They would explain their hurtful behavior with them caring. And accuse me that I didn’t. And then they come and say I didn’t do anything to save our friendship. When I was doing so much.
So eventually they came and told me they wanted to block me for just a while because I haven’t done anything to make it better. So I said goodbye and blocked them from every social media account they know. They cannot reach me. They cannot block me, unblock and spit so much Venom to feel better then block me again before I could say anything.
I don’t feel sad I feel liberated. Yes I lost a friend and I miss them. But they have pushed me too too far. So much has been said. Too much has been done. Everything that was ever good between us has been destroyed and there’s no going back.
Basically what happens is the FA pulls away from emotional bonds, which causes the PA to question themselves which makes them seek validation but that makes the FA pull farther away. The anxious expresses their needs, but they are ignored by the avoidant except on rare occasions. The avoidant bread crumb the anxious one because they are also in fear of abandonment until the anxious one is starving to death and insecure. Then the avoidant basically dismisses the anxious one because they get too clingy and controlling. It's sad. If youre anxious stay away from all avoidants. They'll destroy your confidence and well being. you'll spend years trying to fix it. Its not an attack or a blame thing on avoidants, it's just what happens. It's not the avoidants fault they fear emotional bonds. It was instilled in them. On the surface it does look abusive though. So don't take it personally if you are an avoidant
Thank you for these amazing videos with so much enlightening information and help. This is really helped me see things even more clearly and I see the two sides of the coin between the unconscious fear and struggle to live accompanied with the unconscious fear and struggle for closeness and intimacy. What is life without others and what is life without love?
You are a LIFESAVER I'm so grateful fo you and your content 😭🥺
Yes!!! Stages of a relationship, I’d love it!
Wow, your videos are amazing. You’re so insightful in the way you explain theory and praxis. Thanks so much.
I love your video, I learned more than in a lot of books and other videos all together. Also I like you voice, it's very soothing, and the fact that you talk fast, it makes it easier fo me to listen. :)
Great informative video, thank you so much!
Could you do a video on relationship between a fearful avoidant and a secure attachment style?
Im AP; and I'm most afraid at the honeymoon phase. I just want stability and reliability. I usually get most comfortable and safe once the honeymoon phase is over. But I just got left by a FA during that period so guess I should learn to be less comfortable... 😥
I'm sorry this happened to you I can relate 100%!
Settle into relationships please! 🖐
Yes! The settling in. Video would be awesome 🤗
Yes, I’d like to see progressing in a healthy way of progressing in a relationship- avoiding triggers. :)
Yes ...please do a vedio on stages of longer term love ❤️
Wowwwwwww this video is so golden! Thank you Thais ❤️
Love this Thias! Your content stands out.
This is speaking right to me.
I luv this video. It’s a first myself and my partner. Thank you
Please, please, please do a video on “settling in”.
this is SO helpful!!! Thank you!! 🙏🙏
Settling into a relationship video
Yes please x
Yes please go over the 7 relationship times
Im extremely thankful for you as I wanna to thank you face to face thais ❤️❤️
Yes do a video about how to get past the honeymoon stage
More info about settling in a relationship after honeymoon stages please.
Super helpful video! Thank you.
I’m confused.
Before I heard people calling fearful avoidant and anxious attachment being one and the same thing.
How can they be different styles then? So confused please please clarify what are the key differences?
:) thank you!
I'm going to do a full vid on this! But to be super clear:
A. Anxious Attachment is a style
B. Fearful Avoidant is a style (but is sometimes called "Anxious-Avoidant - this has the anxious side of the attachment spectrum as well as the Dismissive Avoidant side, hence the name)
--- so basically Fearful Avoidant expresses both sides of the spectrum dependent on external and internal factors!
Great question :)
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you so much. Also I messaged you on insta it is from Helena.. My pen name.
Yes!! Make a video about healthy love and not always wanting that high lol.
thank you for such a great video!
My Lord. You just described me. I suspect some shade from my partner, so I broke it off and blocked without even an explanation from him. It's going to be a lie, anyway. It's better to check out, for me, than to become his FOOL. I loved him deeply. But I have had a gut feeling SO BAD lately. Sooo. Yeah. I'd rather not love than to be hurt.
Dang! I wish I had known this w/ my ex! I could have don’t so much better!
Why is the anxious avoidant attachment style more common in males?
how do you do this when your overwhelmed? Its easy to think of when i'm not overwhelmed, and thinking logically, but usually when i'm in these situations i'm fairly overwhelmed and am confused. When its anyone but me...
Please do a video about settling into a relationship
How can you tell if your interest/significant other is a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant?
@personal development school - Thais Gibson
would you still do the video on how to settle into a relationship?
Does the FA ever open back up after they shut down?
Summer mines barely did
In my case, no. At that point it's over. I can keep on being friends but the love will be stone dead.
Kristoffer Johnsen how do you manage any long term relationships, sighs, it’s so hard for everyone involved
Good luck to your in your healing!
I'm FA and I would say yes... it really depends on the person
Love your channel!! Is it possible to have characteristics of both attachment styles? I feel I can relate to both :/
Hi, so the fearful avoidant actually overlaps with both anxious attachment and dismissive... if you feel you are both anxious and fearful avoidant, then you're probably fearful avoidant, as anxious attachment is a part of that... does that make sense?
Do you have any videos of two Fearful avoidants in a relationship?
You need to fix your microphone. Very noisy and difficult to listen. But thanks for the video. Very informative 🌺
Hi!
I've been watching a lot of these videos you've made after my therapist talked about attachment styles and after my friend got into your videos specifically. I have an auditory processing issue so I end up having to watch sections repeatedly to understand what is being said. I was wondering if there was a possibility of having your videos subtitled for hearing impaired/auditory processing issues?
Thank you for the work you do!
There are captions. CC button in top right of the video.
Did you make the video??
wow this is right on with my ex-relationship, listening to this as I am anxious and he is avoidant is there any hope for us to get back together?
I'm wondering the same thing. Did anything happen for you?
@@davidwoodling4070 We are currently back together, but it's still been a rollercoaster. At this point I'm unsure if it's worth it
@@kaliwalton oh wow. Is it at least an improvement on what was there before? How long between the break up and getting back together? Wish you all the best!
@@davidwoodling4070 it was, but then every few months goes back to before. about 2 months before we got back together and everything was great. when it comes to the big stuff like meeting family, saying i love you etc, it's a no go. its definitely exhausting, appreciate the wishes, you too!
Thank you
As an FA I can not be friends, associate or definitely be in a romantic relationship with an AP the clingyness makes me feel so trapped and suffocated I have to look for the first exit to get out as fast as I can. For me dealing with APs I feel soooo drained I even get headaches… honestly I’d rather deal with the DA over the AP any day. Although the DA hurts me, the pain makes me want to go back compared to the anxious and needy that just turns me off and makes me want to run the opposite direction. Why is that? I am leaning more avoidant so could that be my issue?
You sound like a DA.
Great video. Wanting to clarify a statement about 25:55 about the communication with her partner and keeping it "ten yack deep" or "tenyacktity"? can't quite clarify what is said and wondered if it is an official type term or just between partners as an effort to open a safe discussion. Thank you for the clarification
Resentment tank empty !
“We keep our resentment tank empty.”
Is it possible to be both of these at the same time?
Yes, the fearful avoidant is a combination of dismissive and anxious attachment style, so if you think you are both, it's probably because you fall into the fearful avoidant category so you have some anxious qualities
❤️❤️❤️ Thais ❤️❤️❤️
✊🏿💪🏿❣️💯
I would love for you to create a video about the stages of a relationship. I so appreciate all your videos, they are immensely valuable. I am so grateful :)
They’re great!!
Omg yes plz spend separate time ....this is a big problem I have and had with an ex friend....like one min I wanted to spend all my time w/ him, next min I felt smothered cuz he would constantly call or always want to do something. When I wanted to chill and relax away from him but always felt wrong and bad for feeling that way.
Omg..i relate with you
I wish I knew how to fix this 😭
I'm that guy
Me too, I start to feel angry when my boyfriend wants too much of my time which in turn, hurts his feelings! I can’t explain how overwhelming and annoying it feels as a FA to date a clingy and emotionally needy person.
This is my husband and I (me the FA and husband the Anxious type ). Married 7 years and two young kids and doing very well. Just want to let people know there is hope! We have been through lots of counseling separately and as a couple. We have grown so much. There are still moments for sure but the more skills you learn the better off you are. Our biggest thing is when my husband hurts my feelings the apology is simple and sincere and I easily accept. However if I am the offender... We both are triggered and hours of emotional arguments ensue.
It’s the opposite for me! My husband forgives so easily, but I have such a hard time letting go (I’m also the FA). I hate that about me & I don’t know how to fix it. Did you start going to therapy together & then also incorporated going on your own?
I 100% am the same. What did you do?
FA here. Raised in a strict religious home. Mom was extremely controlling representing God. Dad was constantly disinheriting me. I’ve been married 41 years. I want us to have better communication, connection skills and emotional intimacy. Thirty plus years sexless/touchless marriage.
This is so relatable
my ex wife and i had this dynamic..im FA shes AP...we loved each other but also cldnt stop triggering each other..i pulled away. if id learned this sooner we wld have probably made it.
this video only shows me why I still had some hope left over my ex, but seeing his (FA) behaviors is a HUGE turn off. he doesn't commit to stuff, plays hot and cold, keeps testing me and it's EXTREMELY draining and exhausting. It came into the point where I feel hopeless and just accepting the breakup since his inconsistency has f*cked me up. Many times I asked to have some conversations about our triggers and wounds so we could try not triggering each other BUT we never rly done that. most of the times he used to come up with an excuse OR just throw a joke to run from the conversation...
Thank you! You’re explaining in such a calm and with a very understanding kind way. Please make a video about the settling in relationships. I struggle a lot to let this happen. Greetings from Germany
How to settle into a relationship video would be amazing.
I watched this too late. This describes my ex and my relationship. It’s so sad because we broke up just 2 weeks ago and this could have saved our relationship.
Thais Gibson, unfortunately, it’s been a month now and I don’t think he will come back.
Thais Gibson I watched this too late as well. Realize my ex is FA. Background of drug addict mother , no dad, foster sexual abuse. I knew this but never saw any real issues. We had a good relationship and I wasn’t anxious until he broke up with me. Dated almost a year. He bailed over a fight I started with him and didn’t want to talk about it. I was so shocked by him breaking up with me I was totally heartbroken and still am after months. He said down the TD we could be incompatible. Which is BS. I tried to apologize because I blamed myself. He texted at first but then shut me out. I love and miss him so much and it’s even more upsetting that he hasn’t reached out to me. Like I meant nothing. But I believe he loved me too.Months have gone by. Is no contact the same with an FA? I’ve learned so much and wish I could get another chance and also try to help him.
Khaliah .. if he is FA type, you have to contact him.
Don't wait for him to contact you.
It might be a testing technique.
He won't contact you, cause his fear of rejection is bigger.
Contact him .. and little by little, try to gain his trust back by showing love.
Eliana... Does it work like that? I thought that FA would move in DA mode as the relationship is prolonged with time
@@ruiveiga8380 My ex got really mad at me because I told him some other guys were contacting me.
Although, I told those guys I was in a relationship, but they were still pushing.
He started to pull away for this reason, but never told me this lol.
Now we are talking again (cause I keep on telling him how much I care) and all this stuff is coming to surface.
I keep on apologising, he said he forgave me but he is not ready yet lol.
But at least, now he is talking to me.
So, I'm trying slowly to gain his trust back .. he is constantly testing me 🤦🏻♀️
He is hypersensitive.
Takes lot of patience, depends on how much you care for him.
It will never be an easy relationship, I'm aware.
"It's like... you know... someone's walking through my minefield now and... you know... they've got huge feet!.." This made me laugh. But what you express with such natural warmth and humour is so spot on. That's exactly how I've felt it to be anyhow. I do like your content, your style is both endearing and authentic, and as an unmitigated anxious attachment type revisiting this video after many months, having - I hope and pray - learned a few lessons from immersing myself in the subject, this video still resonates with me very loudly. Love your work, Thais, so thank you.
Anxious people, why torture yourselves? The avoidant gets everything they want. They get to push and pull you around and the relationship is on their terms and conditions. You will starve to death for affection, reciprocation, communication, honesty, vulnerability, directness. In case you didn't know, these are the absolute bare minimum, basics of a relationship. You will work extremely hard (more than you should) to get the driest of dry breadcrumbs. DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELVES. Find people who will love you voluntarily, effortlessly and unconditionally. They will reciprocate your love.
This only happens if both parties aren’t willing to do the work…it’s not inevitable
This is what I dislike about the comparison of anxious and avoidant. It always makes it seems like the avoidant is this evil being and the anxious is just a saint. If an anxious individual will “starve” from lack of affection, reciprocation, communication, and honesty, then the avoidant will starve from lack of respect of boundaries, compassion, feeling misunderstood, and being seen.
@@shelby_ns3611the prevalence of anxious preoccupied here at PDS shows: They are often doing the work; while many FA shy away from doing the work.
I get to develop my comfort with space and build security
@@shelby_ns3611 EXACTLY OHMYGOSH ITS NOT LIKE WE FEARFUL AVOIDANTS ARE EVIL like hello im guilty ok u can't hate me more than i hate myself but wth is with putting all the fault on us
Stumbling upon your videos this last weekend just saved my ass. I am so grateful for this. I know exactly what I need to do. This could be a beautiful relationship with an amazing ending. I’ve watched all your videos and you explain it so well. Thank you so much !!!
I truly want to thank you for changing my life. I've finally learned what was wrong and that my FA husband isn't a monster. I've also learned that I'm guilty of causing pain. Thank you very much.
Please do video on stages of a relationship and settling in. Thank you.
I see now why I guy I was dating always tried to make me jealous & looked for me to tell him he looked nice . He a habit of jumping from women to women after 3-4 months on dating sites but desperately wanted to be loved & love back .
Thais please do a video on settling into a relationship!! 🙏❤️
Yes please do the video on stages of relationships!!
I am AP and told my FA that I was feeling insecure and he got mad at me and told me he is tired of my insecurity and said he constantly feels accused by me even though he feels the same and expresses similarly.
Thats what they do
I recognise myself in the fearful avoidant and I was casually dating a anxious one. After 4 weeks of dating , the anxious went to another mens place which when I knew about it I felt how internaly sth was shutting down and my inner fears popped up as my past break ups happened because they cheated. Another point was that this anxious was using too much social media which in my experience also can lead to cheating.
All these points leaded me to back and slowly becoming more defensive. The anxious afterwards blamed me being for being responsible for her sadness and those of her daughter too which then completely made me building a wall around me to protect me. She told me that she loves me but now after she decided to stop everything for me it feels as a break up.
Thank you for the explanation
This sounds like my relationship with my friend who is anxious
I hate being a fearful avoidant
Me too, it's so difficult
I struggle with asking my GF for validation liek words of affirmation which are super important to me because she has expressed that she doesn't do that well and i don't want to come off as more needy. I feel like that would push her away more maybe permanently if shes not able to say the things i want to hear. I am very anxious attachment but we've only been dating a few months and im not sure what her attachment style is yet
Hey man, I know this is hard to get vulnerable and speak our needs. It can trigger some fears that our needs makes us needy. I’d recommend spending some time thinking about what things you most want her to tell you throughout the day and then giving her those as examples of words of affirmation.
This is my husband and i. He is FA and I'm anxious. We are currently separated but have been together for 11 years. Married for 6yrs. We've known each other since we were 4! He truly is my best friend but we have work to do. I'm taking this time apart to work on myself and become more secure in my attachments. We've always been so good about being open and vulnerable to one another. Truly could talk about anything. We've had a stressful two years or so and our dynamics have worsened. I began clinging or becoming critical out of fear of losing him. He also was working a lot and we never had time together (one day a week) and i needed more love than that. We are also new to our area and hadn't made friends yet so lots of loneliness. He shutdown and distanced himself from me. He's truly confused and on the fence. I'm giving him his much needed space right now. I see we need to spend time separately and we haven't done that through the years. Any other advice on drawing him close again?
Wow 3 years ago. What ended up happening?