The Inescapable Treadmill of Desirability
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2024
- ...as told by Netflix's Perfect Match...and anecdotal nonsense 🌚
✨ hello@khadijambowe.com
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The random powerpoint I found online
www.unl.edu/rhames/courses/pp...
How to Escape the Hedonic Treadmill and Be Happier
positivepsychology.com/hedoni...
Dating Statistics And Facts In 2024
www.forbes.com/health/dating/...
"IS THE CUCK CHAIR FOR MEEE???" 💀💀💀
I saw the comment first and was intensely waiting for it in the vid 😂 I was not disappointed
I let out the ugliest cackle because.... It doesn't sound like she's wrong from how she described it 😫😫. No shame tho, no shame
Dude, that was hilarious
@@3squirrelsinacoat im literally only 13 seconds in sittin here like "excuse me??" lmaoo
@@ferretappreciator Khadija uses they/them pronouns
I find people get more attractive the more I know them, if they don't suck.
True
Same. I can't really be attracted to randos. Even if I can say 'yes, that person is obviously objectively very good-looking.'
@@ambds1975 Exactly!
Likewise. I don't even know if I'm attracted to someone until I get to know them a little.
Sounds like Demiromanticism, potentially.
I'm a very anxious person, the idea of constantly being on the chase seems like hell. I want someone that brings me peace, not excitement.
SAME
I'm a very anxious person too but the thing is that instability is the norm for me because that's what I grew up with. So that's what I seek in relationships. It's funny how the mind works sometimes. Also, peace and excitement can sometimes exist together, but I think it involves a certain level of trust and commitment with your partner.
If you're a man that's what you'll have to deal with if you want a relationship
It seems that we are in the minority.
YESSSSS
The types of people you find visually attractive is absolutely trainable. I know multiple people who have broadened the types of bodies and people that they find attractive just by spending more time around more different types of people.
Also many people become more naturally attracted to older people as they get older themselves.
Honestly just being in the same physical space as people helps break down all the fetishes and biases we build up in our minds about other people, and wears down this artificial construct we have of who our "perfect match" is.
Like people can have types and preferences sure, but it's not set in stone when we're born and it can be influenced both with and without our knowledge/awareness.
My type is always the last person I dated. The type only changes if there's been more than 3 years between relationships
I’ve seen it in myself, after becoming interested in art&fashion history, i have a completely different esthetic values towards hair, bodies, faces and styles. It has broadened my perspective, i now know beauty can be found anywhere as long as it fits the framework around it, artistic, conceptual, esthetic. The more you look at something the more interesting it gets
@@helenaap2042I absolutely agree. When I was a teen I started taking portrait drawing classes at a local art school - I think I just fell in love with how unique everyone is. Something that still stays with me is how the lead/presenter was giving advice on glamorizing but sticking true to features. Say, adding blush to a beautiful bumpy nose. I don’t sculpt but seeing sculptures of people of various ethnicities made me feel the same way.
@@skpokerface1 There’s this channel named thoraya where she interviews people, usually about pretty personal questions. She likes to zoom in pretty close to the face and watching her videos made me realize how unique and beautiful everyone really is. You hardly ever get to see people so up close and personal. It’s one reason I love her videos, you get to see so many different shapes and sizes of people going through so many different things.
We can pursue this objective, but why should we actively do so? Why is it a pursuit in and of itself? It happens organically, but we change constructs because beauty, as a construct, is inherently exclusionary. If we saw beauty in everyone, it would hold the same meaning as seeing ugliness in everyone. We won't achieve a more just society merely by expanding dating options. Despite having more dating options than ever before in human history, people are not happier. The hedonic treadmill continues to play its part. It's interesting that older people seem to care more about looks than younger people even past the age of 78.
I had a successful online dating experience! Instead of putting my “best self” forward, I put my “weird self” forward. No shame, this is who I am. I found someone who likes me for me, I feel I don’t have to mask who I am.
A guy I ended up really really clicking with I decided to message back because his profile picture was of him, covered head to toe in giant blue paint splatters going :D and pointing to a cute dog. It's much harder for me to get any kind of vibe from people when they just post model-esque pictures because where's your personality? Cool you look beautiful, but _who are you??_
I mean the "best self forward" idea is genuinely insanely creepy.
If I'm on a first date, I'm just trying to be authentic whilst evaluating if the other person's safe or compatible for me.
Then presumably as time goes on you add on other elements to how you're working through your relationship with that person but you still keep the focus on personal authenticity.
"best self forward" is always giving straight up manipulation
"weird self forward", as you call it, is just you being honest
@@austinthesan-antonian3932 I disagree. I think "best self forward" can also come from insecurity or be a trauma response, a way to put up a guard around yourself.
the kids are calling it “goblin mode” it’s a whole thing on tiktok
@@gabbym333most manipulation is a trauma response. it can be both.
Every time you talk about a positive relationship and the give and take, the cat shows up.
She can sense the energy 🤍✨
Kitty approved ✨
😂😂😂😂
Is this a metaphor?🤔
Personally I become even more attracted to someone the more I get to know them. Why I love going on dates and spending time with people. I’ve never understood the “I’m bored cause I know too much” mentality or seeking unnecessary thrill and drama in a relationship
Same, people get more interesting and nice to be around the longer I know them
I think the difference is 'familiarity' more than 'knowing' - getting to know my gf of 8 years more and more each day as we both continue to grow and I hear thoughts and expediences from her I've never heard before and see new sides is wonderful. Familiarity is a subconscious trap we can fall into though with people we've known for a long time where we start to assume we know what they're going to say, think, etc and *that* can be boring. And that is what most people will end up finding boring, the assumption that they know all that is to be known, that they forget the person accross from them is still unique and desirable.
same here, also I am not fan of partners making their so jealous
@@Claraleavesthetreesthis is a good distinction. I’m actually non-monog but I haven’t dated anyone since being with my partner of 2 years. It has felt like less than a year and I think it’s because we both have a lot going on and are incredibly introspective and healing from trauma, there’s a lot we already know but so much more to us than just who we are today. If we’re doing our best to grow we’re constantly becoming.
That said, I think New Relationship Energy is magical and I understand seeking it out, it just doesn’t sustain me personally. I think people get past that point and just realize they don’t really like that person, and that’s okay too.
when i tell you as a queer thick black boy, i suffer on these dating apps 😭like the bar set for black boys is so high!
Ikr 😢
😢 my Chuuzu 🫶🏿
Hang in there, family 🙌🏾
@@KhadijaMbowe 🥹🫂🫂
I know it is hard, but hang in there. There are people out there who are attracted to thick boys for reals! It surely isn't the standard crowd, and some of them might fetishize you hard, but it's not 0% of the population so there is hope.
Dated a guy for 6 months. Met eachother on tinder, both liked eachother because we are asexual and shared an interest in cycling. Broke up because he realized that romantic relationship is not for him (later he found out that he's aromantic) now we are friends.
I love you both queers ❤ happy pride ❤
Intense partnerships can decay or they can grow and both processes can really be as untainted and simple as this.
Being someone who does love the monogamist mundane and loves long term/till death do us part-esque relationships, it's hell finding someone who you can trust with all that...even when you bring a lot to the table and keep yourself on your toes by improving/investing in your personal interests. Personal growth and change seem to be (from my personal experience) the main things that keep things interesting along with having your own lives and routines, but it's a new level of fucked when all parties involved aren't on the same page with that 😀
The way I could have written this 😭
In theory I think I’d like the monogamist mundane, however I think it would depend on my potential partners interpretation of that. Would our own ideas of the “mundane” work together or clash?
Also I feel so heavily on when you said that you bring a lot to the table but other people aren’t on the same level, I currently have a lot going on for myself that I would say has put me on a much different path compared to those around me. I will also briefly mention that where I’m at now is due to some privileges that have been given so I won’t say I did things entirely by myself but I’m for sure the one still adding wood to this growing fire of mine.
However with the current people I’m around none of them are in a similar boat as I am, some have even tried to take advantage of my kindness (especially with my tattoo career, I have given a couple tattoos away because I liked the person 😅)
With my experiences so far during this period in my life, it has made me a bit jaded towards the idea of dating rn.
At this point in my life (mid-late 20s), I'm definitely in the latter camp of "I am BAFFLED by the people who need a 'threat'/jealousy in order to be satisfied in a relationship". Why invite that kind of turmoil into your life lol? Life's already hectic enough. Why invite more chaos? (That's just me though, ofc. I understand people have their own set of preferences) I can't wrap my head around that personally. I'm especially puzzled by the notion of knowing everything about your partner somehow making things less exciting for some people. The word mundane is never how I'd describe it. To me it feels invigorating to know the person I'm w/ feels safe enough/trusts me enough to display their inner most self(selves) to me. Having that security of understanding only makes me want them more. For me, that sort of closeness is more gladdening than mundane. Maybe it's because I'm demisexual! I really need to *know* a person develop feelings for them.
As a girlie with anxiety issues this is so real, why would you want any of that stress??? Wait, I am demisexual too! LMAO It probably is that. I am fine knowing everything and not having anything new to learn because it is the person that matters to me primarily not the knowing of them over time.
u described me perfectly
I fully agree with you lmao. I need a lot of repetition and security in my life. It takes me so long to warm up to people and I get so stressed at the idea of the 'push and pull' stuff. But I also think it's good to remember that people just have different personalities and tolerances for chaos and uncertainty. And the world needs that variation because it helps us more forward as a species, but it also doesn't mean we have to go along with it personally if we don't want to. Also I'm aroace so maybe that's why we agree lmao.
As an autistic ace I feel similarly, I don’t care to have “thrill” in my relationship and I’ll never understand that whole mess of trying to make a relationship more exciting by trying to incite jealousy or whatever. It sounds too stressful. I really only want the comfort and security of having someone I love and trust with my whole self to always be there, and that keeps me satisfied. All that being said I’ve never traditionally been a “thriller seeker” in my life in general, my version of thrill seeking is spending time in nature to hopefully see glimpses of wildlife I don’t normally see or plants I can identify and learn something about. Outwardly I’m sure that looks and sounds incredibly boring to most people but I’m happy as a clam.
My partner left me because she was bored. She looked through my phone once while I was changing my tampon because she thought I was cheating and found nothing and she treated me like crap after... I think she wanted me to cheat so she could yell at me? She was also in the midst of transitioning and would go out to bars in lingerie and flirt with other women all the time :P
Khadija is gorgeous. Their skin is beautiful and this hair color really suits them.
Tysm 🥹🙂↔️💕
@@KhadijaMbowe I had no idea you are in your thirties!! Hope I'm as beautiful as you in my thirties hehe🫶
The long distance lesbian relationship is a canon experience I fear 😅
i’ve had several 😭
been there 😭
I felt so called out that I actually flipped off the screen. Brutal.
Ouch 😹💔
Waiting for my cannon event. Wish me luck, lesbians
I grew up in rural America but I didn’t let that limit me! The more of the world I saw, the more I realized oooooh attraction comes in many beautiful forms
im a relationship anarchist. i generally stay away from desirability because of how tied up in oppression it is. our desire is political, and i am a person of multiple marginalisations, which means people dont usually desire me. being someone who is undesired has made me realise that the reason people dont want to be physically affectionate with me, dont want to emotionally support me, and dont want to be there for me is because they dont find me hot enough to fuck (this is a generalisation. it is meant to make a point and not to be taken as the universal experience). in my experience, desirability often (but not always!) systemically excludes people from care and support. and while i believe that one day desirability can co-exist with care ethics, i don't think we are currently at that point. right now, i believe most people's desirability is antithetical to care ethics and i refuse to participate in it (for now)
currently, i choose to treat every person i meet and every relationship of mine as something that is unique and special. each person gets a part of me, and the excitement of the relationship comes from growing alongside each other and seeing the changes that come into our lives
Thank you for speaking to my soul
I love this. I was thinking during this video that the idea of desirability is inherently exclusionary to a lot of people.
Felt this in my soul. Thank you for verbalizing this!
Love this so so much!
Wow that is really interesting
I’ve been married for 15 years (yes I am an old). But I’ve always been a person who values monogamy and stability. Especially when you have children with a person, stability is important. I’m not saying it’s always easy. We have specifically sought out hobbies to do together to spend time together outside of the children. It’s harder to do when the kids are little little, but important once they start getting older.
I’ve also had a lot of health issues and can’t imagine how I would function without my husband. He truly loves me in sickness and in health. I’m so lucky to have him considering the high number of men who bolt when their wives get serious illnesses.
im so happy for you, i wish to have the same happen for me ❤i also pray for you to heal and navigate life easier however that may be
I feel like dating is harder now because people feel like it's more important to be in a relationship instead of taking time to meet sometime before deciding to be with them. I feel like dating apps make that worse
Instant click based on title, will be back with actual opinions 😂
🫡
Girlypop (gender neutral) SAME
WELL?
@@LACHRYMA 😭😭😭 so real
The running club comment was SO REAL 😆 Everyone tells me it’s a good way to meet people but I hate cardio 🙃
Very that
Won't be distracted by looks, cause everyone gonna look nasty 😂
I never knew this was a thing? Closest I’ve heard was someone saying how gross it is for men to hit on women at the gym cause they’re there for fitness goals not partner scouting
@@honeybun3492 I could kind of see it both ways. I've heard of walking/running clubs in my area too. On one hand, some people could be there to run, not date, but imo it wouldn't be too surprising if there were some people there who know running isn't most of our favorite things, but want something to do that could help them meet people and make friends. I always hear the advice join a hobby you're passionate about and you'll make likeminded friends, but sometimes I do thing that's a bit simplistic and ignores people who are just bad at social sills and striking up conversations, and that people absolutely join hobby groups or meetup clubs to meet people moreso than their intense love of painting or improv comedy or whatever it is.
Climbing gym/climbing club? Pretty friendly community so you’re sure to meet people but it’s still exercise related
I am the person who loves the mundane. I am highly sensitive and have an anxiety disorder and as a result I rarely need to seek thrill in my life. Instead I often am planning my social time and travel to avoid a sense of overwhelm. The way this effects my love life is that I actually hate the so called "honeymoon phase." The newness and thrill gives me frequent nausea and waves of anxiety. Once that initial phase is over and I feel settled and comfortable with my partner, only then can I really enjoy life with them at my side. At that point every date is filled with joy, every kiss exciting, and every hug gives me butterflies. So in summary, I guess you could say us sensitive folks life life in the honeymoon phase, and a new relationship is just extremely stressful, haha.
as a fellow HSP I relate so much to this!
@@miladeseitanHSP isn’t a real thing btw. Saying this as someone who thought they were hsp but turned out to be on the spectrum
I dont feel the meh about dating. For me it's like nobody wants me. I feel like I don't have options like dating is for other people and somehow I'm not good enough
i relate to this strongly. don’t have any of the rap sheets of long term partners everyone else seems to have. just a list of men who used my body and were on to the next
i feel the *exact* same way. i might feel "meh" about it if i actually got to experience it. i don't even have the list of men the above reply has. i don't plan to live past forty at this rate.
To everyone in this thread: you are absolutely good enough!! Just because you haven’t been with someone doesn’t mean it could never happen, or it won’t. It also doesn’t mean it has to, and nothing about your worth comes from dating.
I understand wanting it though, and your feelings are valid. But not having any partners does not make you any less of a wonderful, beautiful person who deserves the world!!!
Ik this is something you may know and are dealing with, just wanted to send encouragement!
Same tbh. No ones ever sent me a signal, flirted with me or asked me out. How am i supposed to date if no one desires me?
@@user-wk5yc7eb7t i know im an internet stranger but i do hope you live past forty and enjoy yoe life. I also know what its like to be undesirable and it doesnt stop me finding joy in other areas of life
Sorry if this wasn't wanted and you just want to vent. Hope you hav a good day
The newscasters reactions lol
When you said "exciting relationships" the very first thing that came to mind was arguing, fighting, and abuse. I am more interested in "boring" relationships because of that I guess
What a TIMELY video
Hearing more people talk about this sort of thing has helped me understand how ace I am. No seeking, no desire to be sought. I'm long married to the one person I like in the very specific way we're living.
I do like appreciating other people as art, from waaaaay over here. That's plenty.
Polly person here just sounding off. It started as a thruple and after 5 years that one corner ended up hurting us, and since then have been in on the monogamous train. But we recently talked about opening back up again. Because seeing him fulfill his desires, watch him be desired through other's eyes, it all gives me pleasure and vice versa. Now 15 years strong, what we consider the backbone of our relationship is that we're friends first and foremost; the keys are respect, gratitude and constant communication. I feel lucky to be so loved; to live freely and truly.
🥴
Why not social dance instead? You can see ppl desire him with risk of interacting w shit people or stds and and stis
Love this for you guys, whether you stay closed or open again, wishing you the very best!
I'm a polyamorous white cis het fem who's dated a few cis het dudes. Lesson learned: the super charming, handsome, charismatic fellas might be really tempting, like they're good at pulling you in, but they're super frustrating to date. I've recently learned I'm autistic and I think these dudes are into a manic pixie dream girl, until! Manic pixie dream girl shows her other "cringey" autistic traits. So I prefer, enjoy and appreciate my relationships with my quiet awkward ND fellas for a variety of reasons. It's good to feel safe with your people.
I'm curious if this is a common experience?
Yes!
Poly white femby- same enough experience. Those guys are like funnel cake. A nice treat, but you can’t live off it without hurting your heart and it’s not Really worth the mess + high effort to have on the regular.
Not poly but i agree 😅 noone gets my manic pixie dream girl without the depressive nightmare troll boy! They are both equally loved around here, and i prefer ppl (as friends, in general) who GET THAT
not poly (I'm aromantic) but dude the manic pixie dream girl thing is so relatable. I've got to confess that sometimes I lean into it by accident (I always liked the idea of being seen as a manic pixie dream girl, suddenly my nd traits were valued) but it always fell apart when they actually started liking me
I have a bit of a different perspective. I tend to have a more utilitarian approach to my life, and have only been with my first and current partner. I already struggle with people enough as it is, I really don't see myself juggling with things like jealousy or dating multiple people without hurting anyone or getting hurt. For me what keeps my relationship solid is good team work. Doing chores together, talking about finances together, arranging our home together, working with each other's strenghts and weaknesses, etc. makes me wanna be with that person for my whole life because it feels like an actual improvement instead of a hindrance. He makes things easier for me and I make things easier for him.
Also, we both spend a lot of time seperately for work, studies, hobbies, seeing friends which allows us to have a fulfilling life and makes us miss each other (we're sometimes gone for 2 to 5 days) which creates that desirability for us.
This is the type of relationship that I’m looking for, partnership! ENM and poly don’t seem like they are for me either, I can barely handle talking to two people on a dating app and the idea of juggling multiple relationships just sounds exhausting. Im definitely an introvert, so maybe that plays into the lack of desire for multiple partners
@@Anngrl69introverted has nothing to do with it. you just value actual commitment and respect towards your partner. seems less and less common among this generation unfortunately. every single polyamorous relationship I’ve witnessed was built from bored/selfish people who wanted to have all the good parts of relationships without putting in the effort to actually make it work. i’ve seen my own friends crumble from trying and failing to do polyamory. the people who are attracted to that lifestyle tend to have a lot of issues they’re masking
This would never happen to me if I was born Tyla
Do you mind elaborating?
😂😂😂
Lmfaooo Forreal.
Lmao
I had been chasing matches that did not and would not work just because I thought they were attractive and had similar interests. I always had a deep want to feel desirable and I got to a point where I was physically drawing people, but I realized how shallow of a jumping off point that was. It was really important for me to de emphasize how much thought and energy I put towards desirability. I randomly asked out a mutual friend I found on hinge and the vibes are so amazing and infectious and I realize I would never have found my gf if I was still looking for the right person to tick my boxes and magically fix my insecurities
I hate dating so much I’ve essentially opted out. No hooking up. No dating. Just me, myself, and I. ✌🏻
Ive literally started singing that song to myself everyday 🎶It's just me myself and I, solo ride until I die, cause I, got me for life 🎶
You could just open yourself up to Black men.
S A M E this is making me feel so seen 🥹
@@jasonhaven7170 with all due respect, what makes you think the race/ethnicity of man makes a difference?
@@RamenzillaX I guarantee if you switch to dating only Blk men, you'll be 100% fine
I hate dating, I hate hookups, I’d rather just focus on having solid friendships and just getting to have fun there. I dislike the culture of how dating is now self centered instead of community based.
I will say this. I don’t trust dating apps anymore because the last few people I’ve had the strongest attraction and chemistry with, I actually passed up their profiles on the apps. Makes me wonder what other connections we throw away because of superficial preconceptions…
Occasionally, I feel blessed to be asexual and not having a romantic relationship as a priority… the dating scene seems rough!
Relatable asf. Despite being Bi I feel like I lean more towards that asexual side sexually and I’m ok with it. That whole dating thing just annoys me to be honest
This sounds like bliss, tbh. I know it may have rough coming to that realization and society doesn’t understand ace folks but you’re winning to me (other than the discrimination)
I don't consider myself neither ace nor aro, but several times when I talked to people about dating, relationships, etc. I thought "Am I the only person in this room who doesn't consider being in a relationship a nonnegotiable life necessity?" Like I honestly don't get what is better about being in an at best mid relationship than being single. I do miss it sometimes, but frankly, I got bigger problems, and always will
Imagine watching the dumpster fire we're in 💀
do you mean aromantic? because ace is just about sexual connection no?
This weirdly helped me articulate something I didn't think I needed articulating. I don't really desire novelty from my relationships, I very much like the consistency. I do desire novelty from, like my external environment and like to go to new places or travel.
In general I don't find myself super attracted to people, even the most conventionally attractive. I do however feel fondness and familiarity and love, and that makes me choose partners that give me that and make me feel loved and desired. When I feel desired, I desire back. Excitement and novelty you can find in various ways that are not explicitly from your sexual partner, you cannot have it all. But having a partner you can weather the mundane, routine and messy parts of life, that's the person here to stay.
the demi experience of the first minute like... yes i did recently meet someone online and i am dating!! wait there are actually people who think looks are as important as personality? wait there are people who say that but actually weigh looks HIGHER?? i guess this is not relatable after all
Big same. The more Khadija explained the common experience, the more I felt like I had found a portal to a totally different world. Y'all fully sexual people are wild, you have my condolences. 😂
@@javi7636 imo desiribility is pretty interesting from an ace spectrum perspective too, just quite different. I was reading Ace by Angela Chen and she talked about how she prefers not to date other ace people because she wants to be desired, and that's something I get, although I'm currently very happy to be dating another demi person and not to feel pressure or to worry about if my partner doesn't get it. But it's complex to find a romantic and/or sexual connection in the first place when on the ace spectrum, and then there's more nuance to what attractions are and how they function. Not sure how it goes in the long-run yet!
imo I think the main reason I care about looks at all is dealing with the reactions of friends/family to someone. not gonna determine who I date but it does seem harder to deal with other people if you're dating someone they consider undesirable and are potentially judgmental about it.
Right???? Like I don't get that either. I've met a few physically attractive people who were so arrogant or stuck up, and instantly, they were so just "ew" to me. Not that they became less attractive physically, but I have no tolerance for awful people, no matter how good they look.
I've gotten together with people I wasn't initially that physically attracted to, but the deeper in love I fall with someone over time, the more attractive they become to me. I *have* to click with someone emotionally first and foremost. Looks are just the icing on the cake.
the shock when i realized people aren't usually demi is so bizarre 😭
@@bigbugjpegomg the way I NEEDED to learn demisexual was a thing because I HATED anyone asking what my sexuality was and if I was just asexual because no I don’t want to have ex-say with strangers?? It’s so uncomfortable to me but it’s what so many fandoms are built on and like it gets discourse-y real quick because how ethical IS IT to constantly chat about how sexually attractive a person is and you don’t even know them? Is that not harassment? Or since it’s the general human experience do we accept it? It’s made me question so many things and look at society through a different lens, specifically with less judgement once I realized oh that’s just their sexuality showing? And people are okay with it because they’re (usually) the same? Oooooo and don’t get me startttted on the hetero discourse of “everyone’s poly you just choose to be monogamous because it’s respectful to your partner” like they genuinely have sexual attraction to a whole GENDER and that’s wild to me
I actually crave the mundane when it comes to relationships 😅 everything else I’m doing can be chaotic and exciting I just benefit from someone grounding me a bit
I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years (he’s 31 & I’m 30). Him & I have loved many different versions of each other. Humans grow & evolve. While it can be annoying that this or that doesn’t work anymore it’s exciting to keep up. If that makes sense…😅
A brand new Khadija video right when I started washing my hair?? 😍😍 What a GIFT!
Hope you enjoyed it! 🥰
@KhadijaMbowe Thought-provoking as always. I love your dedication to nuance. Thank you for everything you do! :)
P.S. as someone who wants the humdrum monogamy, I think it's all a little selfish. There's just a degree of acceptable selfishness and self-prioritazing necessary to build the life you want and need
I’m one of the people that just can’t wrap their head around the polly thing. It’s hard enough to find good long term friendships let alone a romantic relationship. Romantic relationships are work I couldn’t imagine having to do the tough growing work that comes with dating with more than one person. Im too tired for that. Kind of reminds me when people say they just want one kid to pour all their love and energy into
RIGHT? I am attracted to so few people and then putting on top basic compatibility, its very rare to meet someone whos matching. Maybe because Im a straight woman. But yea once I find someone that works I have absolutely NO desire to continue looking, considering most of the time they will be 99% better than all the harassment / disrespect / forcing my boundaries / education about basic fcking thinng I have to go through with men as a woman that is dating.
Same. Like i cant ever find one person attracted to me, some people are out here finding TWO?
Not me just returning to the dating scene
I got into shape to turn into a guy that other guys would date. My matches on Tinder multiplied tenfold.
Turns out I'm the problem. I'm not mentally ready for a committed relationship. And most of those matches just want a hookup, which I'm not into.
You're not ready for commitent but you dont want hookup ? What do you want then ? :D
I've been working on the same to increase my dating options (because I'm really not super into the idea of dating the guys old enough to be my dad 😢)
Though I still need to work on my anxiety separately. Being hot helps with bringing in the game. But it doesn't fix everything.
@pinksapple he could genuinely be in a place where he's working on himself. If that's the case tho I wouldn't be on dating apps. I've been there, not mentally or emotionally ready for a committed relationship and not enjoying just hooking up. In my case I deleted all the dating apps. Now im at a point whete I would like to be in a relationship and I feel mentally and emotionally ready, so if it happens irl thats awesome but I'm not actively looking for one and am happy on my own.
@@pinksapple I could answer this because i was in this exact situation. I didn’t want either. I wanted to be free from both and didn’t realize it until i put myself out there.
@@pinksapple tbh, I don't know. But that's okay I think. I'm applying for a new job rn. Maybe if my life becomes less chaotic, I'd be ready for a relationship. Still not into hookups tho (my best friend died from an untreated std).
Im totally fine being monogamous. I Just feel like it’s difficult to find people who are ACTUALLY monogamous. But again im also someone who has done a ton of gratitude work. And i think the chase for “the next best thing” is a big issue in our generation. I also feel as someone who has never been in a committed relationship, only situationships (so sick of that now) i think people DO get bored fast and do struggle with putting in work. I fear i might be delusional in thinking that I can find an attractive, monogamous, straight, kind man but i still hold out hope. I love that we no longer have to date within the 10 miles of where we were born but the apps have also become a crutch for us.
I think dating apps can exacerbate the issue too. People often have no ties to each other outside of the dating app so there’s less social accountability (if any), ghosting doesn’t work as well if you share social circles, a workplace or you know the person’s family. When the only connection you have to your partners social circle is your partner, it’s easier to hide a bad reputation.
Me and my husband met in college at 18, we’re both monogamous. Don’t want to share and don’t want to be shared. I like being monogamous because I desire him and only him and vice versa, I don’t even gotta ask him. This guy chases me still to this day like we are still in college, we go on dates, trips, maybe stay over at our parents for a few days and come back and that distance is exciting. Being poly isn’t better, I hate that people act like it is.
@@fairygodmother139 Kat Blaque has a video about "it's okay to say no to polyamory" and I love that video, doesn't go over ALL nuances, but she kicked it out of the park, standing up for people (mainly femmes) who get dragged into an open relationship by their partner (usually a man) who claims that "they aren't being open minded enough and don't truly love their partner". Seriously I had to rewatch after I watched this video, because I found it disappointing that Khadija kept hammering it in that being monogamous is boring.
@@Sunny-kt1ni i like the lack of social accountability. I wish to simply never hear or see of you again without it affecting my social life. I don’t think I would date friends of friends even if dating apps weren’t around
I will say I tried non-monogamy with my 2nd relationship and it was a complete waste of our time. I just didn’t want to commit to the guy I was with, so I went and chased randoms. But I never phrased it that way to him. I told him “I want to be free to do what I want.” But the truth beneath that phrase was *”I don’t want to be with you, I just want my options open.”* I was a teenager and genuinely terrified of commitment. I wish other people would just admit their flaws instead of trying to make it a relationship style. Growing up is learning how to be committed and mature.
Discussions like these are always so interesting to me as a demiromantic. I can't imagine dating someone for their looks
This was a very enjoyable video to watch.
I am divorced and spent the last 12 or so years focused on raising my daughter.
I returned to dating last summer via online dating and was first hounded by much younger men then by married men. My attempts at finding something where we can simply be and feed each other's peace feel as fruitful as a bush full of thorns.
I wish the best for those who have found someone in this dating cesspool. The temptation to return to the peace I established by myself is strong, but I am still trying to find that breath of fresh air.
I'm in a relationship for almost a year and I met my partner online.
For me, online dating helped a lot, I always felt invisible on my day-to-day life and was always bad with social cues, never knowing when somebody was into me or just being nice. With a match I felt more secure to invest and to flirt because the person literally "liked" me, so I could start off on that, and I'm less shy by text. Obviously I had some not so great experiences but I've truly found love.
At this point of our relationship for me what keeps interesting is on how we in a team effort can keep the love fresh, exciting and also calm and stable, I think that having the desirability dynamic being about chasing an ideal relationship (not obsessing, but for the effort) is a good way to keep things interesting and moving.
Love your channel and your work Khadija, you're simply the best!
I think a part that gets left out of a lot of these conversations, we (as a species) are just starting to learn 'how to date', for most of modern history (and in some areas even longer) the idea of selecting your long term partner for yourself, or leaving one partner for a new ( or no) partner was mostly unheard of, even if you where 'allowed' to have an opinion the field was limited by social standing, class and distance. We have taken off pretty much all the guard rails and are communally learning new rules of engagement and skill sets.... We are our own matchmakers now...... this isn't a call to return, just an acknowledgment of the change
Brilliant point
The personality is maybe the most important thing at the end, but ugly people do not get the chance to show it because we swipe left. It is what it is.
People always say 'looks get your foot in the door, personality gets you inside' but that just basically means peolle see your looks first and decide whether to let you in based on that. Its basically admitting looks are the most important thing but its offered up like its encouraging advice lol
@@painunending4610we are animals at the end of the day. we look for what we think is a healthy and attractive partner subconsciously. because our body knows it wants a healthy and stable mate to procreate with. I don’t even want kids in the future, but I know I don’t have control over what I find attractive anyway. People tend to see ugly and disabled people as not viable options to raise offspring, it’s not their fault they are wired that way.
The world is scary, the dating game is a nightmare now. I been out of the game for 8 years due to a previous relationship and after seeing all the crap, toxicity, the scary business that is going on, I have no desire to go back in there... it is so wild. No wonder women are scared of men sometimes, it is totally frigthening.
I feel like that’s what leads to most cheating- searching for novelty bc the day-to-day feels too boring. I’ll have to check the book out; sounds like a good read!
I’ve been thinking about this A LOT lately. I think it’s interesting when people say they have a “type” when I’ve never really been able to say the same. I like who I like. Like, how do people define what their type is?
it’s something you learn as you’re around different people and talk to some of them. you realize that you like certain features and styles more than others. it’s a life thing i guess.
You seem the type to not date Black men
You may at some point notice patterns in the people you like. It doesn’t mean that’s the end-all-be-all of what you’re attracted to, but can definitely be a noticeable preference.
The news reporters! Lmaooo😂
watching this has made me realize just how different dating has been for me compared to idk what’s “normal”? like being neurodivergent and queer and asexual i don’t really understand or care about a lot of things like desirability, but it’s so interesting seeing how it factors in to other relationships just because i’ve never really considered it
Very interesting video, and it is interesting to hear such a different perspective
I personally have recently realised that it is the mundane that I enjoy, I didn't date when I was a teenager at all since the whole concept scared me, amd when I got to my early twenties and I tried to date a friend it ended badly due to him always wanting things like jealousy, fights and messy situations that I simply don't do, I don't get jealous and I don't enjoy pointless fights, so I would just end up being hurt and confused.
The lad I am currently with is very similar to me, we both enjoy the small things, and we keep things interesting within our comfort zones that we slowly expand. Both me and him are on the spectrum and really need the safe mundane stability to function well in any relationship. But it never feels boring, even if it sounds like it
We all know attraction is subjective, for me personally I don't want someone to be with me romantically if their not genuinely attracted to me because it will make the romantic portion of our relationship awkward so why settle for that vice-versa for me I tried to be open to someone I wasn't attracted to out of pure desperation and they could feel the lack of attraction eventhough they still wanted to be with me I personally think that's unfair for the both of us. So I don't mind people rejecting me based off my physical appearance romantically now other forms of a relationship I can see that being superficial but romantically that's not something someone should really bend on well atleast regards to me, it's not that deep
Same, I want to be desired. I want you to be pulled to me the way I am to you. It's something to lean on with when the rest of life gets hard.
Hey Khadija. Im a 30+ dateless wonder, and i find myself struggling with incel thoughts and tendencies. This comment is not really about this video in particular, but I feel like I oughtta say something at some point. Thanks for the work you do and for helping me stay away from that path and helping me get out of my own head. Though you don't know me personally, you do make me feel seen, which I'm sure is how a lot of people in your audience feel as well.
Same here.
Black Women need to stop going on these Netflix dating shows until Netflix has Black women join their casting
i kinda realized i very very rarely am actually attracted to someone in the sense of... wanting a relationship, and the only time i've actually really wanted someone in a relationship kinda way it ended up not being mutual (we dated briefly, it was messy, but we're still friends despite that) but him being.... vague about liking me back or not kinda made me want him more (but also it wasn't super healthy of me, and i should've just realized being vague about it also meant, not feeling the same way)
then after dating did not work out and he flat out told me later on he didn't like me that way, it took me a long time to get over him (and uh... still kinda not totally over him)
on top of that it was also long distance so i definitely feel you on the thing of having that gay long distance relationship where you would upend your whole life for the other person PFT (we met on artfight of all places, so neither of us knew what the other looked like at all)
aside from that....... oof dating man, i just don't know, i never feel like i actually feel anything for anyone in any way
sometimes i feel like i like the idea of it but then when i go out in the dating scene on like dating apps and the like and someone wants to be in a relationship with me i get kinda uncomfortable
usually i just say i'm looking for friends first, and whatever else after, to not really lead anyone on (hopefully)
i don't super get desire, but i do enjoy having fun (in a... fwb kinda vibe) and being desired (well except romantically i guess? though that is nice too until properly confronted with it) i don't really know why that is tbh
See, I'm glad you mentioned the camera thing. I am a guy that sometimes suffers from very bad body image issues, being on the bigger side and all that, to the point where it's made the usual depression, anxiety and issues with SI that I've had since 2nd grade sometimes unbearable. I know there are circumstances where I can feel good about how I look but I've just never managed to look good on camera it seems. People around me tell me "You just need to find the right angle" but they never seem to elaborate further on what I can do in this regard.
I do feel that a lot of men have similar struggles with body image issues, especially nowadays with images in the media from The Rock to Timothee Chalamet and those in between being seen as the modern day idealized images of masculinity.
Thanks for the video, you're awesome by the way
Your experience is valid, and I wish you peace and healing!
your body is always going to be desireable to someone.
I know how you feel about photos. I always say there are like three good photos of me to exist and I only know one of them lol
I can't really speak on the attraction and desire part of this as an acearo that just...has incredibly little interest in relationships in any capacity. I also know that, if I was to look at friendships or QPRs, I know I wouldn't want a relationship that constantly made my relationship with that person feel in jeopardy---I couldn't do the whole "keep you on your toes" thing because that just sounds like a nightmare for me. BUT
I am a big Jurassic Park fan, and in the beginning of the second novel, Dr. Ian Malcolm has a big speech about "the edge of chaos." It's all about how complex systems (such as systems of living animals and plants, and evolution) thrive at the edge of chaos---too safe means stagnation and extinction, too unpredictable means uncontrolled chaos and extinction. The edge of chaos balances those things, allowing complex systems to flourish.
And I think this is how life in general works. We all need a balance of stability and chaos in every aspect of our lives. But where we find our balance, our 'edge of chaos,' is unique to us and may be different for each thing in our lives as well. For example, I would want my QPRs and friendships to be much closer to the stable side of the spectrum with very little chaos. However, other life experiences like partying or experiencing art (music, tv, books, etc.) I want to be more towards the chaotic side.
This came out just as I redownloaded hinge lmao
Chile…
Lol same but I downloaded Hinge and Bumble but I might deleted again
So strange, is smth in the air? Is it the season??? A lot of friends around me are re-downloading their dating apps, too!
I feel like Khadija just keeps getting deeper and deeper into my psyche by each video...
same
And yes, as a self admitted hot woman with an education, dating has been ABYSMAL after the pandemic. Before, I was dating a lot. So idk what's happened + if being inside too much has just screwed all of us up too much but, it's CRAZY.
@justmewatchinstuff thank you so much 🥲 and mostly the attitudes: because there's always more people to swipe on, there's less investment in that initial conversation. And without the spark of in person contact, it's hard to keep conversations going. Lots of dead ends as everyone is on the app, lots of conversations that go nowhere, dates that aren't followed through - and the apps are a curation of your best self like any app, and I've had people adjust themselves to what they thought I liked only to reveal themselves later...so, a preponderance of choice, a lack of investment/follow through, and straight lying. Makes me think it'd be easier to find people in spaces with my interests re the library or cooking classes, hiking groups etc. The apps are exhausting. When I was dating a lot before, it was allllll in person.
@justmewatchinstuff thank you so much 🥲🥲 mostly I've noticed lackluster investment due to so much choice. You can always swipe on someone else, so conversations fizzle or never happen in the first place. I myself jump on and off the apps, so you'll swipe on someone not even active. They're exhausting and no one wants to invest in a person via maintained conversation. Without in person contact, hard to get that initial spark. When I was dating a lot, it was in a big city and allll in person. I did find a few lovely people off of hinge, but unless you treat it like a day job - swiping and chatting all day, going on dates as often as possible - it's a long, tiring road to love unless you get lucky.
The "self admitted hot woman" part is WIIIIILLLD! My GOD what I would give to be this confident for just one day! Whew! LORD! Id be a menace 😂
@@e3e3411 mostly choice fatigue. It’s hard to invest in people when you can always swipe on someone else. Conversations go nowhere. When I was dating a lot it was in person. I found a few amazing people off of hinge, but I had to almost treat the app like a job, logging in and replying everyday.
@@roxy4325 ahahaha be a menace now!!
Why online dating isn’t terrible for me. Its slim pickings but at least more picks then I have in casual life in a small town. i don’t wanna date people at work (not that there are options there) and I love my gym, but its not my dating pool. Its small classes of 4-5 where people tend to be too young for me, too old for me, or men (I only date women, soooo). Even if I get a date twice a year off a dating app, its more than I would have otherwise. I’ve also resolved to dying without a life partner. 😂😂
It’s a painful reality that won’t go away
I’ve been with my person for 10+ years and to me it feels like an adventure that we’ve decided to go on together. I think my personality slotted me as strictly monogamous and I know I incredibly lucky to find someone who shares that trait, plus it helps that we genuinely just like each other at our cores.
I just got Ghosted by someone I was dating for 4 Months, surprised and hurt but not as much as when I got Ghosted by someone I dated for almost 6 years! I don't mind these different relationship situations, as long as all parties communicate how they feel and their Intentions. Prob gonna be Solo for a little while 'I'll give me a few weeks lol', before I begin talking to somebody new. xo
ghosted after 6 years is crazy!! i'm so sorry.
I love my man, but it was h*ll getting to him 😭
Share the story
I was in relationship after relationship trying to have “fun,” and keeping myself entertained with mess. When I met him, I realized I actually like the mundane. + My “entertainment” was just stressing me out. Now I’m in a happy relationship where we communicate & love each other. It’s pretty pretty nice.
Emphasis on h*ll getting to them. The same with my wife. I fought for my life 😭😭😭
Frl
I was watching perfect match and literally thinking about this. I’m glad you brought it up. all the people in the Netflix universe nearly look identical, Instagram models and I was like damn where is the diversity like all the men don’t need to be super shredded and tall and all the girls super skinny and short. I would still watch the show but maybe other people won’t guess that’s just society
Your videos feel like talking to a big sister and you talk in the perfect speed too.
I'm ace and not dating. Close friendships, iced coffee and learning kpop dances are doing it for me rn.
I've tried dating and I'm just really not good at it. I blame my parents, sure they have something to do with it.
My ideal type is me with money. So if i date, I should go for someone rich, then i can pay for my friends little beverages. This dating game sounds easy, i solved it. Thank you 💕💕
I'm neurodivergent with social anxiety. My therapist said my reluctance to zoom, meet up, or exchange phone numbers immediately makes me seem like I'm catfishing. It sucks.
10:35 summed up as "wanting is better than having."
I think this is because when you build up in your mind the image of the object of your desire, reality cant compare.
Reality will never be able to compete with the mystery of a new person for the person who is always chasing better and is never satisfied.
The unknown and mystery vs the known and reality. Endless possibilities vs limited possibilities. Excitement vs routine. Questioning if one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.
Reality cant compete with what you can think up in your mind. And the more time you spend with someone, the more the barriers that stand between wanting and having break down. The more time you spend with someone the more you're likely to see the cracks in the image you built of them or you'll see they're standing on a broken pedestal.
That's not great for the person who doesn't know the specific qualities they desire for their own fulfillment given the world offers billions of options.Trying to find a 0 opportunity cost partner is a fools errand unless you're a serial dater who was never pursuing a stable and traditional life to begin with, which most people arent.
wow this is so well written
let me take a screen shot
All my life I have had very broad and eclectic attraction to androgynous and feminine looking people. A lot of people have judged me negatively for that, mainly other boys and men. It honestly more makes me angry that they try to judge me like that than it influences my taste.
you give me hope that someday i'll meet a man who finds me physically attractive
@@user-wk5yc7eb7tyou will. i was absolutely shocked i found a man who loves and even prefers my hairy, natural self. and my more masculine features. i might have found a unicorn lol
Because attraction is an at the end of the day internal thing, I find it really weird to think that dating somebody YOU find attractive would make other people find you more attractive FOR THEM or mean that your partner finds you proportionally attractive... FOR THEM.
We don't know what other people are into; this seems 80% speculation 20% ego trip.
Yeah that’s weird because I actually don’t like when other people want the guy I want, it’s a turn off
It’s the social capital of having a partner. Not the specific individual
@@fairygodmother139 No, I meant thinking that you are more attractive to people around you seemingly because you are dating somebody that you find attractive.
now, I MAY BE aromantic (I am) but I'm just gonna let this sit here
attraction and desire is a social construct and is not a biologic imperative
Do you mind elaborating?
AMEN to the long distance lesbian relationship 🎉 (in one rn and happier than ever ❤)
same!! how is this so true
Wow you caught me right as I re downloaded dating apps for the first time in a year… and was about to join a running club.
Laser targeted
I just want you to know I appreciate you being openly poly so much. There is so little positive representation out there and it really means a lot that one of my favorite creators is discussing it openly and normalizing something that has been stigmatized so harshly.
agree with this wholeheartedly. sometimes the best thing for my relationship is spending time apart to focus on ourselves and everything feels new and exciting again when we meet again
I'm bad at dating - I was married for a long time and chose to get divorced. Tried the apps, hated it. Tried to meet people IRL but I'm awkward and have no game lol, also people are wild these days who has the patience. I believe the universe will provide or it won't at this point 😅
I’m actually on the side of resting in the mundane and encouraging folks to find whatever’s missing and leave me be sometimes 😅. I’m human and unfortunately like companionship sometimes but it’s wayyy less than and not as consistent compared to others.
Same. Give me something mundane. I want peace and tranquility.
This appears two weeks into my first flirtation in years (!) from a non-dating discord (yes, I am sapphic, how did you know)...preparing to be called out
🌚
UGH Kadija you're doing so great and it's addictive to see you thrive like that!
7:28 “attractiveness isn’t just about what you like, but what other people like”
So true. Especially in female friend groups, attractive qualities are constructed through consensus. This leads to a homogenous picture of desirability, that honestly doesn’t set women up to find desirable partners.
As someone with high functioning social anxiety who learned they were demisexual, attraction and desirability are concepts I genuinely struggle with. For me, personality HAS to play a BIG role in who I'm attracted to but I'm learning physical attractiveness also has to be there to and I'm still not sure what the "healthy" ratio of either is for me yet. In the past I've dated people because they didn't trigger my social anxiety without knowing that that wasn't the same as actually being attracted to them, which was limiting and not healthy. As I'm learning what attraction actually means for ME, part of me feels like I NEED external validation of their attractiveness to know I'm not falling into old traps.
The process of experiencing and figuring out what personality types I'm drawn to is honestly exhausting. On one hand, it means I'm heading in the right direction. On the other, I'm not used to challenging my anxiety and feeling this emotion as often as I am now and it's a bit overwhelming. I don't feel anything about most people until suddenly I do and then I don't know how to handle it. I'm not pessimistic about finding someone, but I do feel disillusioned at the current liminality. I know it's a necessary part of growth. I'll eventually figure it out. But I'm also very tired.
You are one of few people online I want to hear discuss dating 🧡 your thoughts and learnings bring comfort
Just started the video, but I love that way that hair color looks w your skin!
Your skin reflects the silver tones and you look like a literal goddess
I learned I liked monogamy by not being monogamist I think openness and introspection helps navigating relationships
Just want to say I love and admire you as much as I could a person I don't know IRL and thanks for all the amazing videos Khadija ❤️ 💖 💜
Thank you 🥹🫶🏿
I love the natural flow of consciousness that was this introspective yet wide lens culture talk on the why's of dating
So I don't know if me being (simply put) asexual has a big effect on my opinion or if it was my tumultuous upbringing - maybe both. But, no, I do not like the extra spice haha. I just feel like I don't need it. To me, the function of romance and partnership is to uplift one another be the versions of ourselves we most want to be and to create a happy life together. And for me, that primarily consists of security, peace and comfort. Any unnecessary anxiety doesn't feel like excitement to me. I am happy in a relationship as long as I feel fulfilled and fulfillment to me is just getting closer over time.
Here's my story:
I'm queer(mostly attracted to men) and living in an eastern European homophobic country. Before i found my boyfriend, 3 people have rejected me on various occasions. One was from my school, and two i met on discord. And also i ghosted one guy cause he turned out to be a libertarian racist transphobic pos.
Anyways, when that happened, i decided to download grindr, cause i was done with discord. And i just got severe shock on what people there were doing, it made me feel repulsed. but eventually i found my boyfriend.
I dont wanna get into my feelings so ill just say the facts:
been together for over a year and a half.
We are both neurodivergent so we get each other on a deeper level i feel like.
Both stem majors.
Both in desperate need of therapy, which sometimes creates miscommunication but we know how to deal with it.
Also i didnt reveal my face to him for a week so he was attracted to my personality at the start exclusively.
Are you Polish?
I wonder if grindr has created a false image of what queer men want. Perhaps there are many more of us (i.e., men with liitle interest in what grindr typically offers) around than is generally assumed, but our desires aren't as easily monetized, so we're ignored.
@@sandenson no, georgian
i think your first mistake was trying to find someone on DISCORD
@@salthesteamengine You'd be surprised. Some people meat that way, especially if there's community or fandom involved.
I’ve been off dating apps for a couple years now. I always ended up liking the person I was talking to online, but when we would meet up I would get major ick like 99% of the time.
your vids always hit the spot for me. you've taught me so much.
i desire desire intensely and i also need that push and pull, i think seeing the people in my life be desired does the same thing for me that you mentioned it does for you. good to know 😌💖
Growing up queer, fat, and afab, I thought the best I could do was find a man who was into me. So there were years (college) where I was just chasing the need to be validated with attraction. Like, oh my god this person gives me the time of day! I *neeed* them. And then as I found myself and really explored my identity, I was like, "oh I don't actually need to be validated. I'm enough."
So I was just like, existing and dating and doing mutual aid IRL and I met a friend. And we stayed friends for a couple of years and became roommates. They were cute but I didn't think much of it because they were ace, they're not going to be into me. But I brought a date home who was poly and into them and I was like, actually I want them. And my friend wanted me too! Skip two years ahead and we're getting married. (The date didn't go very far btw)
This is so sweet omggg
I had a great time with dating apps. I met my fiancée on Bumble and I actually (ever the practical person) had 5 dates lined up for the next two weeks with people I met there. I went on my first one with who would be my fiancée, and pretty much the next morning (yes, I’m fun-loving) we both looked at each other and decided that we were going to put 100% of ourselves into this relationship. I cancelled the other 5 dates and never looked back. We are exactly that what you said: this is enough for both of us (honestly more than enough). And we are to each other essentially the only constant thing in our lives, we’re each other’s “home” as cheesy as it sounds.
We’re both bisexual, plus size, and white. I’m AFAB and they’re AMAB.
thank you for putting into words the whole thing about wanting a constant chase AND finding your partner attractive for pursuing others. i’ve been feeling a lot of weird shame about that.
Khadjia how are you always putting out videos on the exact topics I'm mulling over at that time?? Phenomenal work as always!
OMG I love your face! Girl you are hilarious, smart and so fun! Keep doing your thing!