I love Rachel but I feel like I can’t completely agree with her on this. I feel like excuses are being made. That cheating was not their fault because they have trauma. That they are somehow victims. In today’s world everything is traumatic. Someone saying something that upsets you, causes PTSD level trauma. This word has lost its meaning. Sometimes people cheat because they are just bad people with no morals.
Always remember in North America or developed countries, a Woman is both a victim and empowered at the same time, until they decide which one to choose, and the man in her life always receives the effects of her decision.... Have a read of Esther Villa, "The Manipulated Man"...
Thank you for watching and for sharing your honest thoughts. I want to be really clear - there is a difference between a reason and an excuse. This man asked me WHY she did this. There is a reason. That reason does not excuse her actions or make them okay. You mention that sometimes people cheat because 'they're just bad people'. Are they born that way? Bad? Or do people become bad throughout their lives? If it's the latter... how does it happen that someone goes from being born good to becoming bad? What makes them bad? If it's the former... ooft. How do you spot someone who came into the world already bad? These are not frivilous questions... they are really important. Most of the men I work with are deeply afraid that THEY are bad, and answering this question about basic human nature is essential, because it determines whether or not they can heal, and whether or not they can learn to act in ways that are better.
@mcfaith you are spot on. This gentelman asked if I could help him understand WHY. There is a reason. And the reason is not because he is a bad husband or a bad father. Her cheating is not his fault, and he deserves to understand why and how something this awful and painful could happen to him. Thank you for seeing that.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach believe me, there are people who just have the bad character. They were horrible when they were children too. Yes! I have seen this.
married 34 years and another for 10yrs. both I had to leave, one cheated after 34 years once I left a $200k a year job and had to drop to $100k. She found her new boss made more money. The other story is the same. Woman only want money to sustain themselves to prove their worth to their friends
As a man in his early 30s I’ll date or see a FWB escort. I can never trust women, because I love them and understand them now, after years of being a good man and being rejected by women, I am going Free Agent Lifestyle, no marriage, no commitment, no kids, no cohabitation, younger men are dating but done playing a game that’s rigged to hurt us.
this "excuse" video is a joke......cheating is a choice....PERIOD...as i told my children decades ago, "you live by the choices you make in life" so goes with a cheater...any man whose wife is a lying cheater should IMMEDIATLY kick them out and get a lawyer cause you can bet it is not the first nor will it be the last time..there i just saved you 21 minutes of b.s...
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 1. I expect that it is mostly because the woman won't put out, as is their duty. 2. Because the woman became fat and ugly. 3. Because the woman became an insufferable nag. 4. Because men are genetically wired to have more than one female. 5. Feminists. 6. Abortion. 7. Sexually unfulfilled. She won't do this and she won't do that. 8. She refuses to wear what HE likes. Furthermore, it has been shown that women cheat as much or more than men do.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Men also cheat due to trauma ??? Ppl cheat for many reasons, I think one of the main ones for men is the way they were brought up and then their own value system
Don’t ever let your cheating spouse make you feel like it’s your fault. Do not blame yourself. She’s at fault 100 percent. My only regret when I found out my wife was cheating was giving her a second chance. Never do that. You can never trust that person. Get out of the relationship. Hopefully you aren’t married to her. One more reason to NEVER consider marriage.
Quite the opposite, actually. The man who asked me to make this video was worried that she cheated because of him. Because he was a bad husband, or a bad father, or because he was deeply flawed in some way. This wasn't his fault, and he deserves an answer to the question Why. Her trauma caused this. And her trauma is her responsibility to heal. Not his. He doesn't deserve to spend the rest of his life being half afraid she cheated because he wasn't enough. He, and others in his position, deserve to understand how these things happen. The answer that so many of the commentors on this video would have me give, that she's just a horrible human being, is not a satisfying answer to the man who saw something in her worth loving.
My comment involves two parts. 1. Women just don't do communication or accountability. 2. Why is it women destroy good men but will stay with abusers and dead beats?
I think because good men really care, dead beats and abusers don't, so they have met their match and can stay with them in their own ever increasing turmoil.
Is this a satisfying answer to you? That women 'just don't do communication or accountability'? Are you not at all curious as to why the women you've encountered in your life behave the way do? Is it enough to just think of them as lessor, bad people? To me that seems a very sad and lonely way to live one's life, viewing half the other humans on earth as inherently bad or weak.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach In my own personal experiences, I think as men some of our ego gets bruised and it's somewhat hard to accept reasons for cheating. I personally thought I wasn't enough and through counseling I learned it was (her) issues YET there's reasons why. Didn't feel good hearing but now I'm in a healthy headspace
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachSorry, but women in general are not attracted to “the good guy”. They only want that guy’s money, but she is not really attracted to him, and often never was actually attracted to her husband. She was attracted to the “one that got away” except that guy was never hers to keep. This is a common story. That is why I, and tons of other men, are just giving up. The fact that paternity testing has about a 35% negative rate is a pretty good indication that this is true.
There are so many flaws us men have which detract from our relationships, I’m the first to admit that, but if a woman wants to leave she can leave and then meet her needs elsewhere *without cheating* first. Normalising this either for men or women is another low standard which, I believe, the majority would rather not stoop to.
Thank you for watching and commenting. If you're open to a discussion, I would love to hear your perspective on this. If it isn't trauma and the ways in which people learn to survive the wounds of their childhood... then what is your explanation for why people make bad choices that harm others? What is it that leads to abuse or to cheating?
@@gregrising3668Sometimes is an insatiable appetite for something New, because of boredom. Sometimes when a person is not valued (appreciated, respected) in their marriage or doesn't have a peaceful atmosphere in their home, they look elsewhere. Unfaithfulness in a marriage is a combination of many different factors and very well NOT be an exact science which is measurable....
@Guaicoboi Selfishness is measurable. An inappropriate appetite that is fed is 100% selfishness. An inappropriate responce to someone else gratification of you is a 100 % selfishness response .
It sounds like you've been really hurt by a woman, or maybe several. I hope you have a good support system helping you navigate and heal those wounds. I'm truly sorry for what you've been through.
Gentlemen, we have trauma too even those of us who don't cheat, we take responsibility and accountability. If a woman cheats, no matter the reason, leave her. We cannot be emotionally exploited and lose half of what we worked (which is very traumatic on its own) and circle back and say that she had trauma thats why she cheated.Women avoid accountability at every chance they get.
The fact that her actions are driven by trauma don't mean you need to stay with her. Cheating is still a betrayal, and healing her trauma is her responsibilty, not yours. We always have a choice, all of us humans. We do not have to stay with people who hurt us. We also don't have to villainize them in order to leave. Generalizing her actions out to all women and making broad claims against women in general because of the actions of one person who hurt you... well, that is a symptom of your own trauma. Trauma causes us to narrow our vision and see things in black and white. We lose our ability to relate and connect to other people, and we become afraid of anything or anyone who reminds us of the person who hurt us. I'm really sorry that you've lived through something that had that effect on you, and I hope that you're getting the support you need to heal those wounds.
“BECAUSE THE HEART OF A WOMAN WAS CREATED DOWN BELOW”. Led Zepplin Honestly though Rachel’s reasoning is spot on! I wish I could meet a woman with a brain even half as good as yours. Thankyou for addressing this. It has helped my understanding. My ex went through a lot of emotional abuse from her father.
I just want to weigh in on this given that there seem to be so many people seem to disagree with Rachel's perspective on trauma. Not long ago, I ended my marriage formally with my ex-wife. There was a lot of trauma i experienced in our marriage of 12 years, and from what i know she very likely experienced quite a lot of trauma as a child which in turn, had a significant impact on our marriage. There is this saying "hurting people hurt people" , and i would like to add: "broken people break people." For cultural and religious reasons i resisted the idea of divorce since the 7th year of marriage, striving to work things out. However i was not able to bear the trauma to me that was occurring as a result of just things happening in repeated cycles, with a new manifestation of the same issues over and over again over the years in different forms. There wasn't the level of cheating in the story in the video, but there were numerous betrayals and abuse. She is an awesome person when in a good space, but when she is not, she is totally different and sometimes i wonder if i was dealing with two totally different persons. Since we separated 2.5 years ago i have been on my healing journey with a therapist. I am in a better space now, and i know i still have some way to go. The trauma is real, and i just want to say that what Rachel said about trauma is totally possible. It doesn’t take away her accountability, although it is likely that she is still unable to see her role to this day. There are consequences: the end of our marriage, and the same problems that she needs to solve due to the same issues. Thank you Rachel, for the work you do. I only came across your channel recently and I have found your content useful and i affirm your content as it lines up with a lot of my experiences as a recovering, recently divorced man.
I actually think a lot of these comments are why many men are finding themselves divorced. They don’t seem to be listening to the premise of the post. I guarantee she could go into a similar conversation about men and why we cheat. Infidelity is common on both sides and let’s face it, men handle it worse - another explanation for these comments.
I feel sorry for the guy who sent in the message that led to this video. Both because of what happened to him but also because this video was your response. I just lost a lot of my respect for you.
i mentioned here a couple of years ago about “emotional deprivation”. now you’re coming around with “emotional starvation”. i guess i was ahead of the curve!
it’s called Hypergamy which often leads to alpha windowing - regret of not locking down Chad. Trauma would accelerate just as being a virgin would curb it but the instincts are always there. Just like men are always attracted to young fertile and pure women. I often see psychologists uses term such as trauma to mask female nature and to make them PC and guilt free. This is ill advised.
I understand what you’re saying and i thank you for your input. But whatever the reason for cheating, if it is not a mutual agreement, there is no excuse. It all comes down to one word: maturity. Own your own bloody problems and feelings. Never - ever - blame it on another person or situation. That’s just victim mentality. Good luck to you all, stand firm in your beliefs and feelings. Peace
I am truly sad after 7 months of separation, not officially divorced with my wife, I accidentally saw a condom in the rubbish bin next to the bed😢, when I asked her whether she had a boyfriend she said that is not my business,but I said that I am worried about our son who is 4 years old.she said that she hooked up because she needed😢😢. I then said to her how she could she do it when we are still officially married and not divorced, just separated and living in different places. I had a hope , but now I don't know, and I can not digest how can she did it after just 7 months separated? She ruined all of my trustworthiness,
Been there before. Ex lied to me about her never doing anything. I found out she was sexting some guy from her home town in mexico for 4 years. I never knew!. Started snooping through her phone one night when she asleep and found it all. She left me a couple of months after that. We are seperated but not divorced. She took one of my cars when she left so I put a tracker on it. Legaly she couldnt do anything about it if she had found it. I watched the app daily. About 3 months after she left, I noticed on the app that the car was at a motel. I showed up and removed the tracker before she came out. I went back across the street and watched as her and a guy walked out about 20 minutes later. She got in the car and left. About 3 days later I left the pictures of her and this guy leaving the hotel on the window with the word " SLUT " on it. She called me the same day to ask if I had left something on the window of the car. I acted completely suprised and told her that I knew nothing about it. I asked her what the picture was and she said of her walking through the store. I laughed and said hmmm.. sounds like you have a secret admirer. I just played dumb and acted like oh well who knows. Fucking lying bitch
Before a Married Woman engages in promiscuous lifestyle, she has been pondering it many years before the actual physical act.... A few female friends have told me that it's about 7-8 planning before they actually, separate, divorce etc... Betrayal is hard, but apparently no one takes their marriage vows seriously anymore
Odds are VERY high that the reason you are separated and living in different places is because she can have sex with her boyfriend without you being in the way. Odds are VERY high that she has had this "boyfriend" for much earlier and longer than you think. Get that divorced finalized and fight to get full custody of your son. Document this instance and every instance she has her "boyfriend" over at her place while your son is there. Do not confront her on it. Just document and provide it to your lawyer.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have a good support system around you? Her actions are not your fault. They are not a reflection on you, your worth or your value as a husband or father. Her actions are rooted in her pain, which is older than you and is not, and never was, your responsibilty to heal and fix. As difficult as this is, it is not about you. It is hurting you. It is happening to you. But it is not your fault. It is not yours to fix, and it is not a reflection of who you are. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself, and just check in with your brain - what is afraid the answer to that question (how she could do this) is? Usually there is a fear there, a fear that this is about you or it is a reflection of your worth and value. I hope you can explore that gently, with a lot of love and self compassion, and help that frightened, hurt part of yourself recognize that you are good and worthy of love.
So it's trauma. Ok gentlemen, that means if you get the slightest sense that everything in her past was not out of a Norman Rockwell painting, you should eject. Has she slept with more than a couple of people or had a one night stand or 40? "It's probably from trauma or has caused trauma, but, either way, it's an NFW." Has she ever said anything about abuse? "Wow, that's too bad, let me get you an Uber." Has she ever been disrespectful toward you in public. "Gee, you don't seem happy in this relationship. Perhaps we should take a break." And if she cheats on you, forget about ever trying to fix things. She'll never respect you. Screen brutally hard and without emotion. Don't allow her to make her problems yours, or worse, your kids. And, if you're actually dumb enough to get married, this includes post marriage. Marriage does not obviate the sunk cost fallacy.
I usually like Rachel's videos but this one is pure blame shifting to trauma. Woild a cheating husband be able to get away with a similar excuse ? Additionally a married mother of young children who cheats is betraying her children as well as her husband
Hi Jerry, thanks for watching. This is not an excuse, however. It's interesting that so many people watching think it is an excuse. It is a reason. There is a reason for everything every human being ever does. I've had folks asking me what the reason is behind cheating - this is it. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it good. It doesn't mean it wasn't a betrayal, and it doesn't mean it didn't hurt her husband or her children. It is just the explanation for why it happened. That's all.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Sorry Rachel trauma may be a factor for some but it is not the core reason. What about the great many highly traumatized persons who never cheat. My parents were married 55 years without even a shift of infidelity and my father is a Holocaust survivor. The Holocaust is so far beyond what most folks today would consider trauma. Sorry I don't buy it. It's a character flaw
Is that what happened to you? If it is, I'm sorry you've got through it, and suffering that kind of betrayal leaves an impact - a trauma - on you as well. I hope you have a good support system to help you heal.
I need to grasp onto me being able to do things on my own, I am divorced and I am convinced I can't even pay a bill on my own so my ex has total control over everything. I need to find strength I just don't know if it exist anymore.
It can be hard to find that inner strength, motivation and faith in yourself when you're in fight/flight because of divorce. I'm in the middle of hosting a free workshop series on how to effectively regulate your nervous system so you can find that strength, I think you might find it helpful. You can register for the series and view the replays of the live sessions here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-workshop
good effort but this feels really empty for the person that has been cheated on. A soul crushing decision was made. When you finally stop wanting to destroy yourself and feel as low as possible -- it amps up to non-stop criticism and then hatred and then having her attorney come after you for everything you have. Sorry - saying cheating is a story about trauma --- trauma for the person being cheated on - the cheater?
Rachael -- I hope that you can read beyond the anger in the comments on this video to see the reasons why it provoked such a strong reaction. First, you were uncharacteristically reductionist in your intro. It is clear from your larger body of work that you believe the reasons why relationships break down are complicated, and that people are complicated. There is no one reason women cheat. This is far too simplistic, and I don't think you even mean it. Most of this video does not even seem to be talking about the reasons women cheat, but rather why women behave in certain ways in relationship to their cheating. And your "one reason" is "trauma," which is a clinical term that has been adopted by the Internet to cover a vast range of experiences. It has become an almost meaningless term. You might have a specific clinical definition in mind, but to most of us this sounds like an excuse, not a diagnosis. If anyone can claim to be traumatized, there is no accountability --- for either men or women. So you have a strong opening claim that relies on a vaguely defined term that you claim (or appear to claim) explains everything, and which absolves women from any agency or responsibility. There is a lot of interesting and challenging material in this video, but the simplistic, reductionist, absolving language of your opening line is clearly hurtful to a lot of your viewers. It feels one-sided and victim-blaming in ways that not characteristic of most of your material. You should probably think about clarifying your position.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is helpful and I appreciate your feedback and your kind approach to sharing it. Being traumatized is not an excuse or a way to avoid accountability. It is simply a reason. A dog that has been beaten will bite. That doesn't mean it's okay for the dog to bite. It's just the explanation for how a dog that was born a fluffly ball of fur came to be viscious. So many men are traumatized too - it's all over this comment board. Every man who has written an angry comment on this video was in a fight/flight response when they did it. Why were they in fight or flight? Because my video triggered something in them - a trauma. It reminded them of the way in which they were hurt in the past, and put them into a fight/flight response. From that state they can only lash out to try to protect themselves. Trauma is a broad term, because there are so many ways in which humans learn to be afraid of other humans, especially in our current culture and modern society. Trauma is the change that happens inside us in response to external events that damages our ability to connect with other people. It happens to babies when we leave them to cry themselves to sleep while they are still too small to even turn themselves over, and for most humans growing up these days it continues to happen throughout childhood. It does not absolve us of responsibilty. Quite the opposite - it helps us understand HOW to take responsibilty, what we need to do to and where we need to heal in order to STOP doing damage to other human beings. If we don't see that or recognize it in ourselves or others, we will just continue to hurt each other, like a cheating wife hurts her husband or a man who writes off a whole gender as inferior hurts the women he encounters throughout his life. Many of the commentors here say that women cheat because some of them are just bad people. That's reductionist. It gives us no tools except to hide out from or attempt to punish all the 'bad people' in the world. It also leaves us prisoner to our own nature, good or bad. If we want better relationships we have to learn how to effectively regulate our nervous systems. But we can't do that if we ignore the impact trauma has on our nervous systems in the first place, or pretend that some people are just inherently bad to start with.
I didn't delete your comment. I don't ever delete comments. If your comment was taken down, that was youtube's censorship, not mine. I've had a busy week and today is the first day I've even had time to look at the comments on this video. I'll be looking for yours now :)
Up to this point, I've been informed and benefited from most of your body of work and respect many of your perspectives....but this a bridge too far. To reduce a wife's emotional and/or sexual infidelity to the root cause of unprocessed trauma is reductionist. Your case discussed could be an example of over sexualized behavior to cope with adverse events, but to then generalize that to mean ALL INFEDILTY BEHAVIORS are trauma reactions is poor psychology. Please take the time to read the consensus in most of these comments and re-examine that position. You have a platform in which hurting spouses (mostly men) are seeking sound guidance and a direction to recover from a real trauma - Betrayal Trauma.
I'll just say this. In Muslim countries they don't have woman cheating. Why? Because woman are held accountable. I don't care how traumatized they are they won't take a chance at honor CiL lig.
In what ways, specifically, do you think women (and men) should be held accountable in relationships? Are you envisioning a specific set of laws? How, exactly, do you think it should look?
Men in Muslims countries and men in the western countries are completely different, in western countries they brainwash your brain and make you weak and almost without any values but in Muslims countries men are everything.
The fact that my comment was removed so quickly confirms what I have suspected for a while now. She's one of them. And the video about this "mask" that these women wear made me laugh. They wear a mask alright, a mask made from the crusty jiz of a thousand dudes they met on the Internet 😂
I don't delete comments... if you posted something that violates youtube's rules they might take it down... but I don't remove them. I'm sorry if you felt triggered by this video, you clearly have a lot of hurt and anger you're using to protect yourself from that hurt. I hope you have a good support system and a therapist who is helping you move through this pain your'e in.
Remove all accountability and just blame it on trauma - the way out of anything 😂😂
Exactly! Women and accountability do not mix
I love Rachel but I feel like I can’t completely agree with her on this. I feel like excuses are being made. That cheating was not their fault because they have trauma. That they are somehow victims. In today’s world everything is traumatic. Someone saying something that upsets you, causes PTSD level trauma. This word has lost its meaning. Sometimes people cheat because they are just bad people with no morals.
Always remember in North America or developed countries, a Woman is both a victim and empowered at the same time, until they decide which one to choose, and the man in her life always receives the effects of her decision....
Have a read of Esther Villa, "The Manipulated Man"...
I don't think she condones women cheating, she is stating WHY they cheated. It's still wrong,but still has consequences
Thank you for watching and for sharing your honest thoughts.
I want to be really clear - there is a difference between a reason and an excuse. This man asked me WHY she did this. There is a reason. That reason does not excuse her actions or make them okay.
You mention that sometimes people cheat because 'they're just bad people'. Are they born that way? Bad? Or do people become bad throughout their lives? If it's the latter... how does it happen that someone goes from being born good to becoming bad? What makes them bad? If it's the former... ooft. How do you spot someone who came into the world already bad?
These are not frivilous questions... they are really important. Most of the men I work with are deeply afraid that THEY are bad, and answering this question about basic human nature is essential, because it determines whether or not they can heal, and whether or not they can learn to act in ways that are better.
@mcfaith you are spot on. This gentelman asked if I could help him understand WHY. There is a reason. And the reason is not because he is a bad husband or a bad father. Her cheating is not his fault, and he deserves to understand why and how something this awful and painful could happen to him. Thank you for seeing that.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach believe me, there are people who just have the bad character. They were horrible when they were children too. Yes! I have seen this.
married 34 years and another for 10yrs. both I had to leave, one cheated after 34 years once I left a $200k a year job and had to drop to $100k. She found her new boss made more money. The other story is the same. Woman only want money to sustain themselves to prove their worth to their friends
As a man in his early 30s I’ll date or see a FWB escort. I can never trust women, because I love them and understand them now, after years of being a good man and being rejected by women, I am going Free Agent Lifestyle, no marriage, no commitment, no kids, no cohabitation, younger men are dating but done playing a game that’s rigged to hurt us.
Modern day women who have subscribed to the feminist ideology, use this negatively
this "excuse" video is a joke......cheating is a choice....PERIOD...as i told my children decades ago, "you live by the choices you make in life" so goes with a cheater...any man whose wife is a lying cheater should IMMEDIATLY kick them out and get a lawyer cause you can bet it is not the first nor will it be the last time..there i just saved you 21 minutes of b.s...
"I think of a man. And I take away reason and accountability.”
If you start from here... how would you explain the reason why men cheat?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachit’s from the movie As Good As It Gets
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
1. I expect that it is mostly because the woman won't put out, as is their duty.
2. Because the woman became fat and ugly.
3. Because the woman became an insufferable nag.
4. Because men are genetically wired to have more than one female.
5. Feminists.
6. Abortion.
7. Sexually unfulfilled. She won't do this and she won't do that.
8. She refuses to wear what HE likes.
Furthermore, it has been shown that women cheat as much or more than men do.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Men also cheat due to trauma ??? Ppl cheat for many reasons, I think one of the main ones for men is the way they were brought up and then their own value system
Don’t ever let your cheating spouse make you feel like it’s your fault. Do not blame yourself. She’s at fault 100 percent. My only regret when I found out my wife was cheating was giving her a second chance. Never do that. You can never trust that person. Get out of the relationship. Hopefully you aren’t married to her. One more reason to NEVER consider marriage.
And all of this puts them in “CAMP VICTIM “. This isn’t the husband’s responsibility to fix. Its hers.
nice, a shout out to karyn seitz!
Quite the opposite, actually. The man who asked me to make this video was worried that she cheated because of him. Because he was a bad husband, or a bad father, or because he was deeply flawed in some way.
This wasn't his fault, and he deserves an answer to the question Why.
Her trauma caused this. And her trauma is her responsibility to heal. Not his.
He doesn't deserve to spend the rest of his life being half afraid she cheated because he wasn't enough. He, and others in his position, deserve to understand how these things happen. The answer that so many of the commentors on this video would have me give, that she's just a horrible human being, is not a satisfying answer to the man who saw something in her worth loving.
In your list of reasons (excuses) you did not mention "global warming".
My comment involves two parts.
1. Women just don't do communication or accountability.
2. Why is it women destroy good men but will stay with abusers and dead beats?
I think because good men really care, dead beats and abusers don't, so they have met their match and can stay with them in their own ever increasing turmoil.
Is this a satisfying answer to you? That women 'just don't do communication or accountability'? Are you not at all curious as to why the women you've encountered in your life behave the way do? Is it enough to just think of them as lessor, bad people? To me that seems a very sad and lonely way to live one's life, viewing half the other humans on earth as inherently bad or weak.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach In my own personal experiences, I think as men some of our ego gets bruised and it's somewhat hard to accept reasons for cheating. I personally thought I wasn't enough and through counseling I learned it was (her) issues YET there's reasons why. Didn't feel good hearing but now I'm in a healthy headspace
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachSorry, but women in general are not attracted to “the good guy”. They only want that guy’s money, but she is not really attracted to him, and often never was actually attracted to her husband. She was attracted to the “one that got away” except that guy was never hers to keep. This is a common story. That is why I, and tons of other men, are just giving up. The fact that paternity testing has about a 35% negative rate is a pretty good indication that this is true.
There are so many flaws us men have which detract from our relationships, I’m the first to admit that, but if a woman wants to leave she can leave and then meet her needs elsewhere *without cheating* first. Normalising this either for men or women is another low standard which, I believe, the majority would rather not stoop to.
I have a counseling license and degree............ I call BS on this. "It all boils down to............". BS !
Thank you for watching and commenting.
If you're open to a discussion, I would love to hear your perspective on this. If it isn't trauma and the ways in which people learn to survive the wounds of their childhood... then what is your explanation for why people make bad choices that harm others? What is it that leads to abuse or to cheating?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachsometimes it's just selfishness.
@@gregrising3668Sometimes is an insatiable appetite for something New, because of boredom. Sometimes when a person is not valued (appreciated, respected) in their marriage or doesn't have a peaceful atmosphere in their home, they look elsewhere.
Unfaithfulness in a marriage is a combination of many different factors and very well NOT be an exact science which is measurable....
@Guaicoboi
Selfishness is measurable.
An inappropriate appetite that is fed is 100% selfishness.
An inappropriate responce to someone else gratification of you is a 100 % selfishness response .
@@gregrising3668........ Okay, you have a valid point. Thanks
It's just in their nature ! is not their fault, and they must not be blamed.
It sounds like you've been really hurt by a woman, or maybe several. I hope you have a good support system helping you navigate and heal those wounds. I'm truly sorry for what you've been through.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachsounds like you’re a female nature apologist
Gentlemen, we have trauma too even those of us who don't cheat, we take responsibility and accountability. If a woman cheats, no matter the reason, leave her. We cannot be emotionally exploited and lose half of what we worked (which is very traumatic on its own) and circle back and say that she had trauma thats why she cheated.Women avoid accountability at every chance they get.
The fact that her actions are driven by trauma don't mean you need to stay with her. Cheating is still a betrayal, and healing her trauma is her responsibilty, not yours. We always have a choice, all of us humans. We do not have to stay with people who hurt us. We also don't have to villainize them in order to leave.
Generalizing her actions out to all women and making broad claims against women in general because of the actions of one person who hurt you... well, that is a symptom of your own trauma. Trauma causes us to narrow our vision and see things in black and white. We lose our ability to relate and connect to other people, and we become afraid of anything or anyone who reminds us of the person who hurt us.
I'm really sorry that you've lived through something that had that effect on you, and I hope that you're getting the support you need to heal those wounds.
“BECAUSE THE HEART OF A WOMAN WAS CREATED DOWN BELOW”. Led Zepplin
Honestly though Rachel’s reasoning is spot on! I wish I could meet a woman with a brain even half as good as yours. Thankyou for addressing this. It has helped my understanding. My ex went through a lot of emotional abuse from her father.
I just want to weigh in on this given that there seem to be so many people seem to disagree with Rachel's perspective on trauma.
Not long ago, I ended my marriage formally with my ex-wife. There was a lot of trauma i experienced in our marriage of 12 years, and from what i know she very likely experienced quite a lot of trauma as a child which in turn, had a significant impact on our marriage.
There is this saying "hurting people hurt people" , and i would like to add: "broken people break people."
For cultural and religious reasons i resisted the idea of divorce since the 7th year of marriage, striving to work things out. However i was not able to bear the trauma to me that was occurring as a result of just things happening in repeated cycles, with a new manifestation of the same issues over and over again over the years in different forms.
There wasn't the level of cheating in the story in the video, but there were numerous betrayals and abuse.
She is an awesome person when in a good space, but when she is not, she is totally different and sometimes i wonder if i was dealing with two totally different persons.
Since we separated 2.5 years ago i have been on my healing journey with a therapist. I am in a better space now, and i know i still have some way to go.
The trauma is real, and i just want to say that what Rachel said about trauma is totally possible.
It doesn’t take away her accountability, although it is likely that she is still unable to see her role to this day. There are consequences: the end of our marriage, and the same problems that she needs to solve due to the same issues.
Thank you Rachel, for the work you do. I only came across your channel recently and I have found your content useful and i affirm your content as it lines up with a lot of my experiences as a recovering, recently divorced man.
I actually think a lot of these comments are why many men are finding themselves divorced. They don’t seem to be listening to the premise of the post. I guarantee she could go into a similar conversation about men and why we cheat. Infidelity is common on both sides and let’s face it, men handle it worse - another explanation for these comments.
I feel sorry for the guy who sent in the message that led to this video. Both because of what happened to him but also because this video was your response. I just lost a lot of my respect for you.
Thank you for watching and for honestly sharing your feelings about this video. May I ask... what is the response you would have liked to see?
i mentioned here a couple of years ago about “emotional deprivation”.
now you’re coming around with “emotional starvation”. i guess i was ahead of the curve!
Withdrawing and hiding with pain and disbelief. The pain is awful.
it’s called Hypergamy which often leads to alpha windowing - regret of not locking down Chad. Trauma would accelerate just as being a virgin would curb it but the instincts are always there. Just like men are always attracted to young fertile and pure women. I often see psychologists uses term such as trauma to mask female nature and to make them PC and guilt free. This is ill advised.
I understand what you’re saying and i thank you for your input. But whatever the reason for cheating, if it is not a mutual agreement, there is no excuse. It all comes down to one word: maturity. Own your own bloody problems and feelings. Never - ever - blame it on another person or situation. That’s just victim mentality. Good luck to you all, stand firm in your beliefs and feelings. Peace
If a woman cheats there are no second chances… she’s gone, no exceptions
I am truly sad after 7 months of separation, not officially divorced with my wife, I accidentally saw a condom in the rubbish bin next to the bed😢, when I asked her whether she had a boyfriend she said that is not my business,but I said that I am worried about our son who is 4 years old.she said that she hooked up because she needed😢😢.
I then said to her how she could she do it when we are still officially married and not divorced, just separated and living in different places.
I had a hope , but now I don't know, and I can not digest how can she did it after just 7 months separated?
She ruined all of my trustworthiness,
Been there before. Ex lied to me about her never doing anything. I found out she was sexting some guy from her home town in mexico for 4 years. I never knew!. Started snooping through her phone one night when she asleep and found it all. She left me a couple of months after that. We are seperated but not divorced. She took one of my cars when she left so I put a tracker on it. Legaly she couldnt do anything about it if she had found it. I watched the app daily. About 3 months after she left, I noticed on the app that the car was at a motel. I showed up and removed the tracker before she came out. I went back across the street and watched as her and a guy walked out about 20 minutes later. She got in the car and left. About 3 days later I left the pictures of her and this guy leaving the hotel on the window with the word " SLUT " on it. She called me the same day to ask if I had left something on the window of the car. I acted completely suprised and told her that I knew nothing about it. I asked her what the picture was and she said of her walking through the store. I laughed and said hmmm.. sounds like you have a secret admirer. I just played dumb and acted like oh well who knows. Fucking lying bitch
Before a Married Woman engages in promiscuous lifestyle, she has been pondering it many years before the actual physical act.... A few female friends have told me that it's about 7-8 planning before they actually, separate, divorce etc...
Betrayal is hard, but apparently no one takes their marriage vows seriously anymore
Odds are VERY high that the reason you are separated and living in different places is because she can have sex with her boyfriend without you being in the way. Odds are VERY high that she has had this "boyfriend" for much earlier and longer than you think. Get that divorced finalized and fight to get full custody of your son. Document this instance and every instance she has her "boyfriend" over at her place while your son is there. Do not confront her on it. Just document and provide it to your lawyer.
Typical woman
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have a good support system around you?
Her actions are not your fault. They are not a reflection on you, your worth or your value as a husband or father.
Her actions are rooted in her pain, which is older than you and is not, and never was, your responsibilty to heal and fix. As difficult as this is, it is not about you.
It is hurting you. It is happening to you. But it is not your fault. It is not yours to fix, and it is not a reflection of who you are. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself, and just check in with your brain - what is afraid the answer to that question (how she could do this) is? Usually there is a fear there, a fear that this is about you or it is a reflection of your worth and value.
I hope you can explore that gently, with a lot of love and self compassion, and help that frightened, hurt part of yourself recognize that you are good and worthy of love.
There you go... Her trauma is your trauma once you've committed to her... Unless it's admitted/discovered and worked on, it will remain...
When I was in my early 20s, I found it easier to get laid with married women than with single women.
So it's trauma. Ok gentlemen, that means if you get the slightest sense that everything in her past was not out of a Norman Rockwell painting, you should eject.
Has she slept with more than a couple of people or had a one night stand or 40? "It's probably from trauma or has caused trauma, but, either way, it's an NFW."
Has she ever said anything about abuse? "Wow, that's too bad, let me get you an Uber."
Has she ever been disrespectful toward you in public. "Gee, you don't seem happy in this relationship. Perhaps we should take a break."
And if she cheats on you, forget about ever trying to fix things. She'll never respect you.
Screen brutally hard and without emotion. Don't allow her to make her problems yours, or worse, your kids. And, if you're actually dumb enough to get married, this includes post marriage. Marriage does not obviate the sunk cost fallacy.
I usually like Rachel's videos but this one is pure blame shifting to trauma. Woild a cheating husband be able to get away with a similar excuse ? Additionally a married mother of young children who cheats is betraying her children as well as her husband
Hi Jerry, thanks for watching. This is not an excuse, however. It's interesting that so many people watching think it is an excuse. It is a reason. There is a reason for everything every human being ever does. I've had folks asking me what the reason is behind cheating - this is it. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it good. It doesn't mean it wasn't a betrayal, and it doesn't mean it didn't hurt her husband or her children. It is just the explanation for why it happened. That's all.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Sorry Rachel trauma may be a factor for some but it is not the core reason. What about the great many highly traumatized persons who never cheat. My parents were married 55 years without even a shift of infidelity and my father is a Holocaust survivor. The Holocaust is so far beyond what most folks today would consider trauma. Sorry I don't buy it. It's a character flaw
Women use affairs to leave a relationship......
Is that what happened to you? If it is, I'm sorry you've got through it, and suffering that kind of betrayal leaves an impact - a trauma - on you as well. I hope you have a good support system to help you heal.
Can anyone speak to a reconciliation between spouse's after an observing of brain trauma, separation, divorce, after an explanation like this??
I need to grasp onto me being able to do things on my own, I am divorced and I am convinced I can't even pay a bill on my own so my ex has total control over everything. I need to find strength I just don't know if it exist anymore.
It can be hard to find that inner strength, motivation and faith in yourself when you're in fight/flight because of divorce. I'm in the middle of hosting a free workshop series on how to effectively regulate your nervous system so you can find that strength, I think you might find it helpful. You can register for the series and view the replays of the live sessions here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-workshop
Good grief.
good effort but this feels really empty for the person that has been cheated on. A soul crushing decision was made. When you finally stop wanting to destroy yourself and feel as low as possible -- it amps up to non-stop criticism and then hatred and then having her attorney come after you for everything you have. Sorry - saying cheating is a story about trauma --- trauma for the person being cheated on - the cheater?
Rachael -- I hope that you can read beyond the anger in the comments on this video to see the reasons why it provoked such a strong reaction. First, you were uncharacteristically reductionist in your intro. It is clear from your larger body of work that you believe the reasons why relationships break down are complicated, and that people are complicated. There is no one reason women cheat. This is far too simplistic, and I don't think you even mean it. Most of this video does not even seem to be talking about the reasons women cheat, but rather why women behave in certain ways in relationship to their cheating. And your "one reason" is "trauma," which is a clinical term that has been adopted by the Internet to cover a vast range of experiences. It has become an almost meaningless term. You might have a specific clinical definition in mind, but to most of us this sounds like an excuse, not a diagnosis. If anyone can claim to be traumatized, there is no accountability --- for either men or women. So you have a strong opening claim that relies on a vaguely defined term that you claim (or appear to claim) explains everything, and which absolves women from any agency or responsibility. There is a lot of interesting and challenging material in this video, but the simplistic, reductionist, absolving language of your opening line is clearly hurtful to a lot of your viewers. It feels one-sided and victim-blaming in ways that not characteristic of most of your material. You should probably think about clarifying your position.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is helpful and I appreciate your feedback and your kind approach to sharing it.
Being traumatized is not an excuse or a way to avoid accountability. It is simply a reason. A dog that has been beaten will bite. That doesn't mean it's okay for the dog to bite. It's just the explanation for how a dog that was born a fluffly ball of fur came to be viscious.
So many men are traumatized too - it's all over this comment board.
Every man who has written an angry comment on this video was in a fight/flight response when they did it.
Why were they in fight or flight? Because my video triggered something in them - a trauma. It reminded them of the way in which they were hurt in the past, and put them into a fight/flight response. From that state they can only lash out to try to protect themselves.
Trauma is a broad term, because there are so many ways in which humans learn to be afraid of other humans, especially in our current culture and modern society. Trauma is the change that happens inside us in response to external events that damages our ability to connect with other people. It happens to babies when we leave them to cry themselves to sleep while they are still too small to even turn themselves over, and for most humans growing up these days it continues to happen throughout childhood.
It does not absolve us of responsibilty. Quite the opposite - it helps us understand HOW to take responsibilty, what we need to do to and where we need to heal in order to STOP doing damage to other human beings.
If we don't see that or recognize it in ourselves or others, we will just continue to hurt each other, like a cheating wife hurts her husband or a man who writes off a whole gender as inferior hurts the women he encounters throughout his life.
Many of the commentors here say that women cheat because some of them are just bad people.
That's reductionist. It gives us no tools except to hide out from or attempt to punish all the 'bad people' in the world. It also leaves us prisoner to our own nature, good or bad.
If we want better relationships we have to learn how to effectively regulate our nervous systems. But we can't do that if we ignore the impact trauma has on our nervous systems in the first place, or pretend that some people are just inherently bad to start with.
And it's not fair to delete my comments. I have trauma
I didn't delete your comment. I don't ever delete comments. If your comment was taken down, that was youtube's censorship, not mine. I've had a busy week and today is the first day I've even had time to look at the comments on this video. I'll be looking for yours now :)
Up to this point, I've been informed and benefited from most of your body of work and respect many of your perspectives....but this a bridge too far. To reduce a wife's emotional and/or sexual infidelity to the root cause of unprocessed trauma is reductionist. Your case discussed could be an example of over sexualized behavior to cope with adverse events, but to then generalize that to mean ALL INFEDILTY BEHAVIORS are trauma reactions is poor psychology. Please take the time to read the consensus in most of these comments and re-examine that position. You have a platform in which hurting spouses (mostly men) are seeking sound guidance and a direction to recover from a real trauma - Betrayal Trauma.
I'll just say this. In Muslim countries they don't have woman cheating. Why? Because woman are held accountable. I don't care how traumatized they are they won't take a chance at honor CiL lig.
In what ways, specifically, do you think women (and men) should be held accountable in relationships? Are you envisioning a specific set of laws? How, exactly, do you think it should look?
Men in Muslims countries and men in the western countries are completely different, in western countries they brainwash your brain and make you weak and almost without any values but in Muslims countries men are everything.
The fact that my comment was removed so quickly confirms what I have suspected for a while now. She's one of them. And the video about this "mask" that these women wear made me laugh. They wear a mask alright, a mask made from the crusty jiz of a thousand dudes they met on the Internet 😂
I don't delete comments... if you posted something that violates youtube's rules they might take it down... but I don't remove them. I'm sorry if you felt triggered by this video, you clearly have a lot of hurt and anger you're using to protect yourself from that hurt. I hope you have a good support system and a therapist who is helping you move through this pain your'e in.
Because she can and you can't do a God damn thing about !!
💯
Dismissive Avoidant...
80%
Lmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaao