Lost both parents within 6 months, then my love of my life of a 17 year marriage filed for divorce two years later after months of cheating on me and distancing . Would not talk to me, let alone go to a marraige counselor. It was a slow two year decline and running around with divorced friends which warped her mind and soul and I tried to get her to talk but she became more distant each time I asked her what was wrong. When the court date arrived, she sobbed as we walked out together. Not one therapist out of the many I sought ever advised I try to reconcile. I didn’t see her or call her but ran into her 20 years later at a restaurant. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around and cried my name. Three years ago I saw that her brother had died in the obituaries. I texted her my condolences. She invited me to attend the funeral. I didn’t go. I have thought of her for 26 years and I still love her. Not one therapist ever recommended I try to reconcile. I hate DIVORCE and I hate therapists. It’s a money grab. I’m still single and I do not trust single women anymore. I lost the two most important women of my life. Mom who raised me and the love of my life that I married.
I will never trust another woman. My loss was very similar. Why do they not want to seek counseling? I didn't even know anything was wrong. I've been suicidal for over a year and a half now and am still not sure if I am past it.
That feeling of powerlessness for a man is profound. We are so used to being able to fix problems but when there's no solution or you're being stonewalled so you can even attempt to solve the problem, it makes the man feel like he can't fulfill his nature and he becomes depressed and even suicidal. Learning to let go of things you can't fix or change is a lost art that men need to relearn.
Staying committed to good men and not throwing them away like trash for no clear reason other than a facile grass-is-greener fantasy is a lost art that women need to relearn.
@@DoritoWorldOrder I'm sorry for what happened to you and beneath the sarcasm and bitterness, I can feel your pain and sadness. I hope you find peace. It took me a long time and I'm still struggling but starting to see the light at the end. Give it time and try to forget about her as much as your mind will allow. Become the most organized, in-shape, frugal man you've ever met and in time, you will find peace in yourself and maybe even in another again. Blessings.
I feel like I could've saved my marriage had I known the differences of love and codependency in the ways you explain it...and I feel like my world is unraveling. This hurt a lot to learn. I'm not placing any blame or anything...I'm just really upset that I couldn't see this before...
You posted this a long while ago... and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. How are you doing now? Have you been able to process or work through some of this? As you can see from the responses here, you are certainly not alone in this feeling. There are a lot of things we can do to help you heal from this hurt and move forward if you're still feeling like you're in that unraveling place. One option to get started is with the Better Beyond Divorce App - it gives you access to a system that is designed to help you work through exactly these kinds of feelings, to deal with the pain, make your peace with the fast, forgive yourself, build confidence and move forward. You can get started with the app for free here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app A good somatic or Emotionally Focused therapist can also be a HUGE help in processing this kind of regret and loss. Hopefully you've found some good support and are feeling better, and I hope this reply helps some of the other folks who are going through something similar.
Thank you. I'm still struggling with the pain of my divorce. It happened 2 1/2 years ago after 29 years of marriage. Still hard for me to believe. Divorce was never to be an option. The whole idea of a Christian marriage is that you are not only making a promise and vow to your wife but more importantly with God as well. Thanks for your insights and encouragement.
Mine was a temple marriage in the LDS church which means it is forever not just till death do you part. 33 years and 6 kids later she leaves me for an old boyfriend she used to date before we me who is now a multimillionaire. I'm sick over it. She wouldn't even go see a counselor with me, and to make matters worse, she kissed me goodbye and told me "I love you, I just don't feel the same way about you." Then out the door she went. Took NOTHING with her.
I’m going through a divorce right now after 25 years. I also have irrecoverable relationships with the kids. So I feel like I lost everything at once. This video really helps. Very clear explanation of codependency (2:50) of which I realize I have, and just how serious it is. Great definition of love too (11:10). Very helpful information
Thank you Chris, I'm glad this video was helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and leave timestamps. I'm also really sorry that you're going through all of this loss at once. Do you have some good support systems?
@@BioagtiveCalvin I’d love to understand this distinction better. If you’re willing to explain it, can you help me understand what you mean when you say ‘emotional issues’ and also ‘men’s issues’? I have some associations in my mind with each, and I’m very curious to know more specifically what you’re referring to.
I can relate. I’ve looked down the barrel thinking peace is on the other side. It’s depressing not being able to change her mind. I go days without sleep which doesn’t help.
Been seperated for 7 months from my wife of 18 years. This video has helped immensely in helping understand my emotions going through this separation. Thank you.
I pray you see this! I would love to get help from you. I’m barely hanging on and you address so many of the things that feel like they are killing me. Thank you so much for your videos!!
This was a fantastic video, Rachael. Your mind is so practical and you can cut to the truth of things so quickly. I always have a spiritual perspective on things, but your practicality actually supports the spiritual perspective. I could see in the way you describe codependency, the fingerprints of the Satan behind it all the destruction of codependency. These are THE CHAINS we are warned about in the Bible! Your explanation of how someone is attracted to you when you are NOT codependent because you allow them the freedom to be themselves, also reflects how God loves us, allowing us to be free, to choose, and more than anything, to be free to be ourselves, just like He created us! I love your thinking because it does not contradict Christian teachings, it is very parallel and supports it!!! Well done.
Hi Tim, I’m so glad you found this video helpful. It’s been fascinating for me as a coach because I’ve had the opportunity to work with people of many different faiths, from Catholic to Muslim to Orthodox Jewish. I’ve found in every case that the work of coaching supports the person’s faith. I think it’s because my work is all about inner experience- we go inside to look at and learn from the brain and body. What we find seems to support the underlying universal truths behind many different religious belief systems. Which is awesome! And I’ve found that this kind of work often strengthens people’s felt sense of connection to God, or to source, in whatever form they understand it. Thanks for watching and sharing your understanding- I know there are quite a few other viewers who will appreciate your spiritual insights!
Excellent explanation here. 👌 I kind of wonder if lacking co dependency could mean that 🤔 you see all relationships as temporary moving forward. Enjoying them for what they are while knowing statistically she will end up leaving at some point. Trying to understand the balance between not being co dependent and the reality in today's overall state of relationships not lasting.
That's an interesting question... I don't have a lot of information to go on here, but what is jumping out at me is the assumption that she is going to leave at some point, because statistically speaking that may happen. Some relationships don't end until death. Some people do stay together for their whole lifetimes. Codpendency can interfere with healthy attachment and bonding, but so can the opposite- having one foot out the door and remaining emotionally uncommitted as a way to protect yourself from being hurt. I think there is a strong space in the middle, where you love deeply, feel fully and allow yourself to have a secure attachment to another person because you are willing and able to experience grief. Both codependency and aloofness or detachment are ways to protect ourselves from pain. There is a third option, which is to embrace the totality of human emotion and be willing to feel both extremes. Not so easily done... :) but it is an option.
I'm glad it's helpful! Honestly, I speak to men because I work with men, and while there are some subtle differences the reality is that we are all just human, and the injuries and challenges we experience in relationships are really not different. Thanks for watching!
Rachael I agree with most things you say and these videos are some of the most helpful I've seen however how it can be true that anger and jealousy towards the new/affair partner is a sign of co-dependancy and one or two of the others points are difficult to agree with here. This is a natural part of the process not co-dependancy. You love and cherish your wife and if she leaves for another man that is quite profound for men and impacts our masculinity and the love with felt for our partne, not a signposts as a codependant.
I really like the contents of this video, it explains the concepts and consequences of co-dependency very well. The one thing that somewhat bugs me about this, though, is that the idea of being resentful towards women is put off as something pertaining to co-dependency, which I think hides the truth. That's because the concepts of male and female loyalty differ, men overall standing for their word and women having a tendency to always be on the look-out for the better option. It's hard for the one sex to not get resentful of such a differing notion of loyalty in the opposite sex, and I don't think this has to do with co-dependence, which is more of an identity issue.
Agreed! Marriage says “til death due us part” Our Pathetic society says it’s ok, u deserve better, move on… instead of staying & Fixing the issue. It seems as if though these vows are merely a suggestion to some. To others, it’s Graveyard Dead Serious. & for someone to just up & leave without as much as saying goodbye? Nope 👎 Not a society I am fond of! Wise man once said, if ever there is something wrong, I promise you a woman is involved somewhere 🤷♂️
Hi Devon, that's awesome! There are a lot of options out there... I would recommend thinking about what kind of coaching you want to do and explore programs from that. I've found it helpful to combine NLP with the life coach training, and also to educate myself in trauma work and somatic therapy, but you may take a different route depending on who you want to work with. You're welcome to email me if you'd like any recommendations for coach training programs - rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com Best of luck to you! And thanks for watching.
My wife filed separation about a year ago. She tells me that she field for divorce. But i haven't see any divorce papers or anything. It's been a about a year separated now and i was thinking if i should just file divorce myself. She tells me that she doesn't love me and want to be with me anymore. So i don't understand why she's taking so long to finalize the divorce. So,should I just file divorce myself or should I just wait longer? I really feel like I just want to be a single father at this point. Thank you.
It sounds like you know what you want to do. You have agency here, you don't have to wait for her. There isn't a right or wrong answer. I do know that staying in limbo is painful for most of my clients. What are you waiting for? You could sit with that question for a day or two, and then give yourself permission to do what feels right to you. You're allowed to move on.
This is where I am now. I want to feel better, but thoughts creep in and start the whole cycle over again. All of it, form the jealousy, to the anger toward all women, to the bitterness about the future!
@odd- it has been my experience that breaking that cycle becomes easier when we learn to communicate effectively with our own emotions. Even the difficult ones, like anger, bitterness and jealousy are trying to do good things for us. If you can identify the positive goal, you can find other ways to meet it. For instance, if anger towards all some is your brains effort to protect you from being hurt again, then that’s a noble intention! But the strategic anger towards all women might not be so effective, because it keeps you suffering, holding you in the memory of the past hurt to prevent future hurt. It’s a bit of a process but really very doable. If you’d like my help moving through it, you can check out my free masterclass- the link is in the video description. I’m also starting a 90 day accelerated coaching program on December first. You can email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com if you’d like to know more.
I agree, I’m not a professional but my advice to men is don’t ignore red flags you have with her and that she has with you. You find yourself compromising things that are deal breakers and unhappiness is inevitable. Those things can lead to codependency.
How can a romantic relationship be passionate without the need for each other? I think you’re describing one night stands and hook ups. Which if that is what a person wants than cool. I want to need someone and I want them to need me. Other wise they just a buddy. I got lots of friends I care about but I’m not going to fall in to possible life treating depression over. The, in my option, reason for a committed romantic relationship is for two people to feel safe with each other. Part of that feeling safe is to be able to depend on the other person for some degree of validation. You do value their opinion after all. So much so that you’re willing to trust them enough to have kids and share finances and build a life together. Their view of you means something. They are suppoce to be your safe space away from the world. That’s why every romantic song, poem, book movie etc. Is based on the ideal of your other half “soul mate”. It’s been a thyme since people recorded their emotions. If we only need to depend on ourselves for our happiness then what’s the point. I can get my physical needs meet with a stranger. I can’t get my emotional needs meet with one. What therapist label as codependent is actually an evolutionary development, not my idea read it in a book on relationships forgive me for not remembering the name of the book. I think it was called attachments or something. We haven’t really developed this idea of codependency untill relatively recently when the epidemic of female initiated divorce became so chich. The reason you have so many men codependent is that they did what nature told em to invest your emotional health in your spouse. Our biology simply has not caught up.
It is unrealistic to love your person and not need them to treat you with respect, loyalty, love and care. It is unrealistic not to have these expectations and not get hurt each time they are not met. Your happiness depends on them as long as you are with them. You need the other person to approve and enrich the good side of you and you need to receive the joy and love of their good side. Otherwise, we would be all happy singles. When you decide to be in a loving relationship, you know you can only be vulnerable to build your trust with them. Being vulnerable can get you deeply hurt and there is nothing you can do to avoid that. What you can only do is to be strong enough afterwards and seek professional help to help you process the facts that caused the ending and heal and let go or do your best to make it up if there is still a chance to save your relationship.
"Your happiness is dependent on them as long as you are with them"... ouch. That belief is going to create a lot of agony if you hold it too closely. That is codependency, not love. If you can't be a happy single, you are going to struggle to be happy in a relationship, and you are going to put an immense amount of pressure on your partner to create your happiness for you.
@@myrtofeli7340 I'm sorry you feel that way. As a coach I'm in the lucky position of getting so see many people accomplish it. They get to have healthy relationships where they love the other person as they are, not because of what they need to get from them. I wish more people could believe such a thing were possible and be willing to do the difficult inner work of taking responsiblity for their own happiness and well being.
This is crazy because men DO have needs too...I supplied the sugar they want more and more till I run out 😢. I need companionship but it's only one sided with a narcissistic princess
Thanks for watching and commenting! Sometimes we find ourselves attracted to partners who cannot or will not reciprocate. This is actually often the case in codependency. We all have needs, men and women. Yet often we find ourselves drawn to the very people who cannot meet those needs, and stay stuck in toxic cycles of trying to be 'good enough' or 'sweet enough' to get what we need from them. It's a bit like going to the butcher and ordering a wedding cake. You can offer him as much money as you want, but you're not getting a cake out of a butcher shop.
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach men marry women like thier mothers... Women marry men like thier fathers 🙄 I was raised in a very toxic environment and was NEVER going to do that lol like I had a choice ...at first nothing like it but sure enough 🙃
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I divorced 6 years ago, and still cant got over her. Our children keep me stuck. to constantly see whats ging on with her, where she goes, what she does....who she is with... It was getting better by time but now , after 6 years she got somebody else and he is about to be around my children. And I have been set back a lot, and I dont see any way out ... i will have to see and wathch their hapiness together form the sideline of loneliness. I am not able to move on ....please help!!!
I'm so sorry you're feeling stuck like this. You're not alone - I have a number of clients who are six years out and still dealing with these issues. Having younger kids together definitely makes it harder. There are things we can do, and I can help you with them. The two biggies are: 1. Effective emotional regulation 2. Building strong self confidence and a clear sense of identity Past that we can also focus on your relationship with your kids, communication and ways to create positive interactions and support for them. If you haven't yet, please take some time to watch my free masterclass here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register It will give you concrete tools for emotional regulation and building self confidence. These two things are essential for navigating a new man in the kids' life, and also for letting go of your ex, especially while you share the care of your children.
Thank you for your reply. I have watched your masterclass. I found it very helpful, but I miss the real prictical solutions... I guess the real stuff is not for free... and that I understand, but I dont have that kind of money for the real stuff unfortunately. I have managed to more or less regulate my emotions but sometimes I experience serious lows and suicidal thoughts. The only reason I do not do it is not to damage my kids psychologically. The withdrawal of intimacy and shaming towards the end of our marriage still creates a sense of craving of her approval... Though I have cancelled all real communication bcs she is often verbally abusive, and I still get messages from her that I am worthless in her eyes also keep me from moving on. Sometimes I am thinking of going total no contact with the kids bcs I do not have a life like this. @@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
Thank you for your reply. I have watched the free masterclass and I found it very useful, but missing the practical solutions. I guess those are not for free, and that is OK. I guess, I manage more or less to regulate my emotions, but still get serious lows when I get information about her. I am in no contact with her bcs she is often verbally abusive and I am trying to get over her not meeting or talking to her in person. Though in her messages she is still shaming me...And in my lows I have suicidal thoughts.... considering the nitrogen exit method. The only reason I do not do it is not to damage my kids psychologically. I am still craving her validation after her withdrawal of her intimacy and validation gradually towards the end of our marraiage. I still crave the validation that she sees the good in me. Who I really am. I totally lost my confidence because of her withdrawal and shaming. I am considering total no contact with my kids, so that some day I can have a life. But this way I feel totally trapped. @@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
@@satriani19751 I think having some professional help is important at this stage. It doesn't have to be my program. A therapist would be an excellent start. Going no contact with the kids is a big step, and dealing with all the abuse can completely alter your life for the worse. I'm afraid the practical, step by step process of healing codependency, regulating your nervous system and finding deep self confidence that isn't based on her approval is a long term process. There isn't a single step or solution I can give you in a video, not even an hour long masterclass. That's why I offer the coaching program, where I can give support and feedback and help people navigate the many steps in the process. A good therapist can do the same. I would strongly recommend seeking some support. Doing this alone is very difficult for the human nervous system, especially if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts. It can get better, and there are lots of good low cost therapy options, and a lot of health insurance covers it as well. Honestly, there is no better place to spend your money. Your mental and emotional state impacts everything else, and can literally be the difference between life and death.
My ex returned to check on me and my son after a decade .. Both of us are divorced again and single parents. But, she is earning more than me and getting alimony from her ex. So she kept me as an option only to move on again. This mistake i did by letting her in again has hurt me alot. And now its getting difficult for me to forget it. Yes, im angry and frustrated because financially im not in a good position as i was earlier. And where i come from, people nly consider you to be worthy of a relationship if you,re loaded either with money or a professional degree.
Thanks for watching and commenting. I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through a second round of hurt with your ex, especially after your divorce. I'm going to be really blunt, because you've been dealing with this pain for a long time and sometimes we need a little bluntness to help us make a shift. This story that you learned from your community, that your worth is tied to your education and finances, is a bullshit story. You've internalized that story and it sounds like you are using it to beat yourself up. Anger will try to make you focus on your ex and blame her... but this isn't about her. This is a huge wake up call. You have to change this story about your worthiness, or you are going to be at the mercy of your ex and anyone else who makes more money or has a higher level of education than you. You deserve better than that from your own brain. Change this story. Don't let it sink you.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you Rachel for your invaluable advise. I try not to blame anyone, Not even myself and let bygones be bygones. It's easy to forgive but difficult to forget. At 40, Education in my country is a great feat. More or less I can't spend time and money on it because I'm barely able to keep up with my responsibilities. How do I get this void out of my head, I feel lonely at times and suicidal. Try to get some spiritual help, I lose focus on that as well.
@@noman.reigns do you have access to any mental health care where you are? What you describe - the void in your head, the loneliness and the suicidal thoughts - those are all symptoms of a distressed nervous system. The symptoms tell me that your nervous system is a little stuck in a freeze state as a result of the relational trauma from your divorce. The good news is that there is a lot we can do to help the nervous system rebalance and reset. One of the best ways is to process your feelings with a compassionate, empathetic person who won't try to fix it for you. A therapist, counselor or religious leader are all great options. A simple but highly effective method for regulating your nervous system yourself is called Box Breathing. You can find it with a quick google search. This video may be helpful for you in understanding your symptoms and potential solutions: ruclips.net/video/br8-qebjIgs/видео.html Gentle reconnection will also help - with friends, family, animals, nature, God... any form of connection will help. Finally, if it's within your means, you could also join my Better Beyond Divorce community for a month and get access to my Emotional Regulation System which gives you further tools plus a great support group. You can find those details here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/emotional-regulation-program
Very nice. The point about deriving self worth from other people is especially important because people are lionized for being ‘selfless’. But, you can’t be truly selfless that’s just a recipe for disaster, as many people live like slaves for years chasing the external validation from a partner who is incapable of delivering it.
You’re so right Mark- what seems selfless really sets us up for resentment plus the pain of unmet emotional needs. It’s a hard cycle to break. Thanks for watching and for sharing your thoughts!
I’m so stressed out right now my wife filed for divorce and we have a one year old and she’s 5 months pregnant now! I can’t stand the thought of living without my wife and kids! I’m not ok
The codependency is just like a wound. You never heal from that completely. You can reduce it only. Because codependency comes from early childhood from the mother-child relation. If your mother was depressed, deatched, unsure whit you in your 1-9 months building codependency was the only way of survival. You can't re-code this pattern in you. You can reduce it. But the definition of love here is problematic: warm feelings toward an other whitout anything needing back? If I share my life whit somebody is that codependency? Love is a reciprocal feeling. If I love somebody but I don't get back anything why I want to be in a relationship? Love is a relationship is never unconditional. Other question is the expectations. If I love because I expect things that is not love. Third notice is: not every men who l let her ex difficult is automatically codependent. This is serious generalization.
Yeah but the world economy would collapse if your boss realizes that he is always angry because he is codependent on you and that's why he doesn't want you married or dating
We have a codependency meeting in town that is chaired or run by a narcissistic that also was placed on a sex crime list for getting caught with kitty porn after 17 yrs sobriety,,over 30 yrs sober now😢..
I don’t have any of those six signs but I’m a lesbian so I don’t know if it’s the same. I know my wife was codependent with my mom and her sister once I cut my mom out.
Why would any man listen to a woman about moving on from loss? A situation women never truly experience. There's always a safety net for you, whether you deserve it or not; the world is looking to cut off our legs and gut us any chance it gets.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I understand how the journey after divorce can feel especially tough for men, with pressures that often go unrecognized. My work is centered on helping men process loss in a way that respects their unique experiences and challenges. Everyone deserves a space to heal and rebuild. For more guidance and tools that may support you in moving forward, feel free to check out my free masterclass: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
This definition of love as codependency is toxic. The idea expressed here of non-“co-dependent” love is bloodless and inhuman. This is the blight that is ruining so many happy loving relationships
You want to move on ? Indifference toward your ex wife is what is necessary Feeling absolutely nothing for her No codependency nor anger just nothing This is what will work
Yeah - not sure you got this. Relying on another is literally what every loving relationship depends upon. Can this become toxic if one becomes obsessively reliant - absolutely. I've thought for years now that there needs to be a balance in most things in people's lives. Is anything ever in perfect balance, no. Yet, the desire for another that yes, includes depending on the ones you love is perfectly good. It's not being focused on or relying on another - the problem is and always has been when either [sometimes both] becomes self-absorbed. And they simply highly prioritize their own value well above others.
I'm still i the bitter fase. And for once I'll stay in my emotions and respect them. I think it's important to hold on to the idea you introduced in an other video of yours. You as a man has value to, you should choose to let a woman in in you're life because she ads something positive. Besides that sweet sugar all men get so blinded by. The sugar i not worth it anyhow. Not if you are going to work all you're freetime as a terapeut/janitor.
Hi Lennart, thank you for watching and commenting. I hope that you'll learn what you need to know as you sit with your emotions, respect them and allow your body to process them.
This should have been a two minute video, because a lot of it became nonsensical. This is the same nonsense recycled from Byron Katie that killed whatever chance I had left at keeping a decades long marriage intact. Yes, letting a bitter divorce kill your sense of self is dangerous, and can lead to suicide. But that is as far as it goes. If you don't give a S@!# what your partner thinks of you, and it has no impact on your sense of self, are you in a relationship at all? Why should anyone be in a relationship if their partner does not enhance their sense of self? Why would anyone have any relationship beyond seggs-only if we are to avoid attachment and bonding in a way that fulfills our emotional need for companionship, safety, and intimacy ? Emotionally abusive relationships are co-dependent. Men endure such relationships far too often and too long. Divorce is a form of emotional abuse, often instigated by women, for reasons having nothing to do with the man being divorced. If you mean co-dependency is when men don't recognize that abuse for what it is, ok, that I can agree on.
You bring up an important point and I think this is why codependency is so confusing for most of us - where is the line between codependency and healthy attachment? What is love and what is codependency? It's my opinion and experience that codependency prevents supportive attachment and bonding. Are you familiar with Dr. Susan Johnson? She is one of the founders of Emotionally Focused Therapy and spent most of her lifetime studying attachment science. In one of her classes (she teaches EFT continuing ed) I heard her describe secure attachment vs. insecure attachment in children. If you picture a playground full of kids and moms... and then imagine that a child goes down the slide and falls down at the bottom. He is frightened and runs to his mother, crying. Studies have shown that if the mother turns to the child and validates him, he quickly stops crying and runs back out to play, often even trying the slide again. Yet if the mother ignores the child or gets frustrated, the child becomes anxious, staying frightened and seeking more and more attention from the mother. Healthy attachment helps us self regulate. With the support of a loved one we are more easily able to recenter after an emotional experience. Once regulated we are adventurous and more likely to go out exploring on our own. We are more willing to take risks and be hurt, because our mother helped us to learn that we can be hurt and recover. Codependency is quite the opposite. When the mother rejects or ignores the child's emotions, that self regulation doesn't happen. The child looks to the mother for comfort they don't get. This can lead to a lifelong pattern of seeking external comfort, support and validation, because we never learned that essential lesson - that we can be hurt and recover. In adult relationships healthy attachment is very similar. A partner can love and support us without taking responsibility for what we feel. My husband is amazing at this. When I'm stuck in a feeling of anxiety or grief he is kind and compassionate, but he doesn't try to fix it for me. He reassures me, but he also takes care of himself. He doesn't panic and drop everything to 'save' me, and by simply acknowledging what I'm feeling and modeling healthy self care he helps me to remember that I can self regulate, that I can be hurt and recover. I'm lucky to have a partner who does this so well. I hope this is helpful in exploring that line between codependency and love.
To a certain extent I agree that if we wouldn't be able to open up to our partners and help each other grow and progress through life, what point is there in pairing up to begin with. However, there's a balance between fully leaning on one another for our internal emotional regulation and to have somebody to spend time with. And I think this distinction is especially important for men, who often have more of a need for help with emotional regulation, whereas women are overall less attached to the men they're with as they tend to see relationships from a more transactional perspective to start with. It's realisation of these differences that can be quite disillusioning for many men.
@@skaziblu you could try. In my experience, you're unlikely to get it from her. She's likely to say something like, "if you don't already know, I can't explain it to you" or another equally painful and unsatisfying answer. She might surprise me though, and you're welcome to try. A lot of my clients struggle to understand her actions, especially when they were sudden, out of the blue or she is behaving in ways that are inconsistent with the person you previously knew her to be. You can get a satisfying answer without her, but I've found it isn't usually achievable until you've spent some time processing your emotions and growing your own emotional awareness. Then it starts to fall into place a little better. If you'd like some help with that, I'm hosting a free workshop starting this week that is going to be a deep dive into emotional processing, regulation and healing. It would help you feel better and gain some understanding at the same time. You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-workshop
I have been watching your videos. There is no justification for the poor behavior of cold woman or the poor decisions of an immature man. Stop trying to justify a woman who can not keep her vows.
It sounds like we have a fundamental disagreement about humans :) I believe that every human action makes sense. It doesn't mean I think those actions are okay or justified, it just means I think they are understandable and inherently human, not a sign of good or evil. If we're human, we can learn and grow and become better. If we're evil, we're screwed. Nearly every man I've met who thinks his ex wife is evil harbors a deep, terrifying belief that he himself may be bad, broken or evil... that's why I share the perspectives I do in these videos, because I believe every human is capable of healing, growing, learning and becoming better. If our mistakes make sense, then we can learn to choose better strategies going forward. If our mistakes are because we're evil, then we don't have a chance to change. Thank you for watching and sharing your comments even though you disagree with me. I appreciate the discussion and your willingness to keep exploring videos from someone who holds a very different perspective than you. It is refreshing! Thank you.
All men and women know that a woman leaves her husband because 1) he is a coward - he is too scared to fight to be better, seek help, do what is necessary sso that he us better so that he can be a slightly better man at least at TRYING to meet her needs. He is a coward because he refuses to TRULY put in the effort into his marriage in various ways. The men who put in the effort to meet their wives needs, even IF they fail at meeting them, their wives appreciate the true and honest effort and will NOT leave their husbands. If the wife is a GOOD woman, she will not even cheat. 2) He's a quitter -- He quit and is hiding behind his insecurities like a child behild their mother's apron strings. They sit in a corner with their thumbs up their @$5. What woman wants that?
I couldnt keep feeling the anger and hatred towards ex wife or i may have done something i regretted. Its just the brazeness to "stand up" against someone and act as if i was her oppressor who deserved betrayal, even tho i went out of my way (understanding that i am not a woman so i might not FEEL as affected by certain things) to try and maintain balance, even if i disagreed. I tried to be her "friend" first instead of her man. And in this world of "women oppression" i tried to not be so domineering.....giving her power and say in the relationship sometimes even allowing for f×ckery to appease her FEELINGS.... I was too co-dependent. IMO, its too much emotional stress to deal with all that only to have her betray u because YOU cannot manage her emotions while dealing with real life. Im not bitter, but i just realize that i dont have the emotional bandwidth to deal wtbs. I love women, just not enough to take on the headache and potential heat ache of being "her man". I wasnt perfect, but i think i was a good man. But im considered bitter now bcuz i do only what i want to do.....ironically, now as much as the wimen i deal with complain, they still f with me hard and i cant help but wonder if the fact that i truly idgaf if they stay or leave has anything to do with it. Its almost as if u have to pretend that u care sometimes, but in your heart and mostly deed....not really I think that true f boyz are on to something when trauma bond is how they keep a woman. Fortunately, im just a catch and release type of guy.
Lost both parents within 6 months, then my love of my life of a 17 year marriage filed for divorce two years later after months of cheating on me and distancing . Would not talk to me, let alone go to a marraige counselor. It was a slow two year decline and running around with divorced friends which warped her mind and soul and I tried to get her to talk but she became more distant each time I asked her what was wrong. When the court date arrived, she sobbed as we walked out together. Not one therapist out of the many I sought ever advised I try to reconcile. I didn’t see her or call her but ran into her 20 years later at a restaurant. I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around and cried my name. Three years ago I saw that her brother had died in the obituaries. I texted her my condolences. She invited me to attend the funeral. I didn’t go. I have thought of her for 26 years and I still love her. Not one therapist ever recommended I try to reconcile. I hate DIVORCE and I hate therapists. It’s a money grab. I’m still single and I do not trust single women anymore. I lost the two most important women of my life. Mom who raised me and the love of my life that I married.
There is nothing to reconcile for you can’t force genuine desire especially from a woman.
I will never trust another woman. My loss was very similar. Why do they not want to seek counseling? I didn't even know anything was wrong. I've been suicidal for over a year and a half now and am still not sure if I am past it.
Married in 1993. Divorced in 2024!!! More than half of our lives have been spent together. It has been a shock, but I am getting over it.
That's a lot of years together! What is it that is helping you get over it?
Sorry about that, hope you can reflect and see where it went wrong.
Eff that. I’d rather be alone for 30 + years. Not worth the risk.
Eff that. I’d rather be alone for 30 + years. Not worth the risk.
Eff that. I’d rather be alone for 30 + years. Not worth the risk.
I'm not even divorced yet and this is pretty much me 😢
I get it. I highly recommend starting therapy if you haven't already
This is one of the simplest & best descriptions of codependency I’ve heard. This is exactly where I’m at. I wish I could let her go like she did me…
That feeling of powerlessness for a man is profound. We are so used to being able to fix problems but when there's no solution or you're being stonewalled so you can even attempt to solve the problem, it makes the man feel like he can't fulfill his nature and he becomes depressed and even suicidal. Learning to let go of things you can't fix or change is a lost art that men need to relearn.
well said
Yes accepting a loss or change then moving on
Staying committed to good men and not throwing them away like trash for no clear reason other than a facile grass-is-greener fantasy is a lost art that women need to relearn.
@@DoritoWorldOrder I'm sorry for what happened to you and beneath the sarcasm and bitterness, I can feel your pain and sadness. I hope you find peace. It took me a long time and I'm still struggling but starting to see the light at the end. Give it time and try to forget about her as much as your mind will allow. Become the most organized, in-shape, frugal man you've ever met and in time, you will find peace in yourself and maybe even in another again. Blessings.
I feel like I could've saved my marriage had I known the differences of love and codependency in the ways you explain it...and I feel like my world is unraveling. This hurt a lot to learn. I'm not placing any blame or anything...I'm just really upset that I couldn't see this before...
I'm struggling to save mines right now
You posted this a long while ago... and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. How are you doing now? Have you been able to process or work through some of this? As you can see from the responses here, you are certainly not alone in this feeling.
There are a lot of things we can do to help you heal from this hurt and move forward if you're still feeling like you're in that unraveling place.
One option to get started is with the Better Beyond Divorce App - it gives you access to a system that is designed to help you work through exactly these kinds of feelings, to deal with the pain, make your peace with the fast, forgive yourself, build confidence and move forward.
You can get started with the app for free here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app
A good somatic or Emotionally Focused therapist can also be a HUGE help in processing this kind of regret and loss. Hopefully you've found some good support and are feeling better, and I hope this reply helps some of the other folks who are going through something similar.
I agree. I thought my love was real/genuine but I guess it's a learning lesson. I truly desire to get this right.
Thank you. I'm still struggling with the pain of my divorce. It happened 2 1/2 years ago after 29 years of marriage. Still hard for me to believe. Divorce was never to be an option. The whole idea of a Christian marriage is that you are not only making a promise and vow to your wife but more importantly with God as well. Thanks for your insights and encouragement.
Mine was a temple marriage in the LDS church which means it is forever not just till death do you part. 33 years and 6 kids later she leaves me for an old boyfriend she used to date before we me who is now a multimillionaire. I'm sick over it. She wouldn't even go see a counselor with me, and to make matters worse, she kissed me goodbye and told me "I love you, I just don't feel the same way about you." Then out the door she went. Took NOTHING with her.
RS, thank you. You shed light you on a perplexing question at 11:00 minutes, what is love? This is on perpetual replay.
I’m really glad you liked that part. It’s a fascinating question and my own experience of it keeps evolving. Thanks for watching!
I’m going through a divorce right now after 25 years. I also have irrecoverable relationships with the kids. So I feel like I lost everything at once. This video really helps. Very clear explanation of codependency (2:50) of which I realize I have, and just how serious it is. Great definition of love too (11:10). Very helpful information
Thank you Chris, I'm glad this video was helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and leave timestamps. I'm also really sorry that you're going through all of this loss at once. Do you have some good support systems?
Please realize that CO-D may not be part of your problem. Female coaches/therapists tend to throw EMOTIONAL issues over MENS issues all the time.
@@BioagtiveCalvin I’d love to understand this distinction better. If you’re willing to explain it, can you help me understand what you mean when you say ‘emotional issues’ and also ‘men’s issues’? I have some associations in my mind with each, and I’m very curious to know more specifically what you’re referring to.
@@BioagtiveCalvin why are these two things separate? All humans have emotions.
I can relate. I’ve looked down the barrel thinking peace is on the other side. It’s depressing not being able to change her mind. I go days without sleep which doesn’t help.
I have had similar thoughts, hang in there.
Been seperated for 7 months from my wife of 18 years. This video has helped immensely in helping understand my emotions going through this separation. Thank you.
7 months for me as well. Grrr...
Whoa....yep married August 2004, divorced December 2022...
3 months for me
It's been almost 2 years since I posted this. Life is good, and I feel and look better than I have in years.
I pray you see this! I would love to get help from you. I’m barely hanging on and you address so many of the things that feel like they are killing me. Thank you so much for your videos!!
Good point on codependency and hence why knowing and accepting female nature is so important.
This is so deep, a fundamental part of being human.
This was a fantastic video, Rachael. Your mind is so practical and you can cut to the truth of things so quickly. I always have a spiritual perspective on things, but your practicality actually supports the spiritual perspective. I could see in the way you describe codependency, the fingerprints of the Satan behind it all the destruction of codependency. These are THE CHAINS we are warned about in the Bible! Your explanation of how someone is attracted to you when you are NOT codependent because you allow them the freedom to be themselves, also reflects how God loves us, allowing us to be free, to choose, and more than anything, to be free to be ourselves, just like He created us! I love your thinking because it does not contradict Christian teachings, it is very parallel and supports it!!! Well done.
Hi Tim, I’m so glad you found this video helpful. It’s been fascinating for me as a coach because I’ve had the opportunity to work with people of many different faiths, from Catholic to Muslim to Orthodox Jewish. I’ve found in every case that the work of coaching supports the person’s faith.
I think it’s because my work is all about inner experience- we go inside to look at and learn from the brain and body. What we find seems to support the underlying universal truths behind many different religious belief systems. Which is awesome! And I’ve found that this kind of work often strengthens people’s felt sense of connection to God, or to source, in whatever form they understand it.
Thanks for watching and sharing your understanding- I know there are quite a few other viewers who will appreciate your spiritual insights!
Excellent explanation here. 👌 I kind of wonder if lacking co dependency could mean that 🤔 you see all relationships as temporary moving forward. Enjoying them for what they are while knowing statistically she will end up leaving at some point. Trying to understand the balance between not being co dependent and the reality in today's overall state of relationships not lasting.
That's an interesting question... I don't have a lot of information to go on here, but what is jumping out at me is the assumption that she is going to leave at some point, because statistically speaking that may happen. Some relationships don't end until death. Some people do stay together for their whole lifetimes.
Codpendency can interfere with healthy attachment and bonding, but so can the opposite- having one foot out the door and remaining emotionally uncommitted as a way to protect yourself from being hurt.
I think there is a strong space in the middle, where you love deeply, feel fully and allow yourself to have a secure attachment to another person because you are willing and able to experience grief.
Both codependency and aloofness or detachment are ways to protect ourselves from pain. There is a third option, which is to embrace the totality of human emotion and be willing to feel both extremes. Not so easily done... :) but it is an option.
You are genuinely tremendous Rachael, thank you!
Simp
@@marguskiis7711 ROFL ya? Or just a guy going through a rough divorce who finds her content enlightening? Nah, couldn’t be that.
Im a Woman - and this is totally applying to me .
I'm glad it's helpful! Honestly, I speak to men because I work with men, and while there are some subtle differences the reality is that we are all just human, and the injuries and challenges we experience in relationships are really not different. Thanks for watching!
Rachael I agree with most things you say and these videos are some of the most helpful I've seen however how it can be true that anger and jealousy towards the new/affair partner is a sign of co-dependancy and one or two of the others points are difficult to agree with here. This is a natural part of the process not co-dependancy. You love and cherish your wife and if she leaves for another man that is quite profound for men and impacts our masculinity and the love with felt for our partne, not a signposts as a codependant.
They are so smart they don't need a man and another man and another. But they sure want the financial support from the man they just threw away😂
I really like the contents of this video, it explains the concepts and consequences of co-dependency very well. The one thing that somewhat bugs me about this, though, is that the idea of being resentful towards women is put off as something pertaining to co-dependency, which I think hides the truth. That's because the concepts of male and female loyalty differ, men overall standing for their word and women having a tendency to always be on the look-out for the better option. It's hard for the one sex to not get resentful of such a differing notion of loyalty in the opposite sex, and I don't think this has to do with co-dependence, which is more of an identity issue.
Agreed! Marriage says “til death due us part” Our Pathetic society says it’s ok, u deserve better, move on… instead of staying & Fixing the issue. It seems as if though these vows are merely a suggestion to some. To others, it’s Graveyard Dead Serious. & for someone to just up & leave without as much as saying goodbye? Nope 👎 Not a society I am fond of! Wise man once said, if ever there is something wrong, I promise you a woman is involved somewhere 🤷♂️
This was enlightening in revealing my own codependency
Love your videos and how accurate they are! I’d really like to find out how I can go about training to be a coach myself.
Hi Devon, that's awesome! There are a lot of options out there... I would recommend thinking about what kind of coaching you want to do and explore programs from that. I've found it helpful to combine NLP with the life coach training, and also to educate myself in trauma work and somatic therapy, but you may take a different route depending on who you want to work with.
You're welcome to email me if you'd like any recommendations for coach training programs - rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com Best of luck to you! And thanks for watching.
My wife filed separation about a year ago. She tells me that she field for divorce. But i haven't see any divorce papers or anything. It's been a about a year separated now and i was thinking if i should just file divorce myself. She tells me that she doesn't love me and want to be with me anymore. So i don't understand why she's taking so long to finalize the divorce. So,should I just file divorce myself or should I just wait longer? I really feel like I just want to be a single father at this point. Thank you.
It sounds like you know what you want to do. You have agency here, you don't have to wait for her. There isn't a right or wrong answer. I do know that staying in limbo is painful for most of my clients. What are you waiting for? You could sit with that question for a day or two, and then give yourself permission to do what feels right to you. You're allowed to move on.
Lost count of the number of profound things you said in this video. Fantastic.
This is where I am now. I want to feel better, but thoughts creep in and start the whole cycle over again. All of it, form the jealousy, to the anger toward all women, to the bitterness about the future!
@odd- it has been my experience that breaking that cycle becomes easier when we learn to communicate effectively with our own emotions. Even the difficult ones, like anger, bitterness and jealousy are trying to do good things for us. If you can identify the positive goal, you can find other ways to meet it.
For instance, if anger towards all some is your brains effort to protect you from being hurt again, then that’s a noble intention! But the strategic anger towards all women might not be so effective, because it keeps you suffering, holding you in the memory of the past hurt to prevent future hurt.
It’s a bit of a process but really very doable. If you’d like my help moving through it, you can check out my free masterclass- the link is in the video description.
I’m also starting a 90 day accelerated coaching program on December first. You can email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com if you’d like to know more.
This is an awesome video! Thank you so much!
You're welcome! Thank you for watching!
I agree, I’m not a professional but my advice to men is don’t ignore red flags you have with her and that she has with you. You find yourself compromising things that are deal breakers and unhappiness is inevitable. Those things can lead to codependency.
This is so great. Thank you.
You're welcome, John. Thank you for watching!
Awesome post: I am a new divorced man, July 2023.
Your video was very helpful, thank you for your expertise.
How can a romantic relationship be passionate without the need for each other? I think you’re describing one night stands and hook ups. Which if that is what a person wants than cool. I want to need someone and I want them to need me. Other wise they just a buddy. I got lots of friends I care about but I’m not going to fall in to possible life treating depression over. The, in my option, reason for a committed romantic relationship is for two people to feel safe with each other. Part of that feeling safe is to be able to depend on the other person for some degree of validation. You do value their opinion after all. So much so that you’re willing to trust them enough to have kids and share finances and build a life together. Their view of you means something. They are suppoce to be your safe space away from the world. That’s why every romantic song, poem, book movie etc. Is based on the ideal of your other half “soul mate”. It’s been a thyme since people recorded their emotions. If we only need to depend on ourselves for our happiness then what’s the point. I can get my physical needs meet with a stranger. I can’t get my emotional needs meet with one.
What therapist label as codependent is actually an evolutionary development, not my idea read it in a book on relationships forgive me for not remembering the name of the book. I think it was called attachments or something. We haven’t really developed this idea of codependency untill relatively recently when the epidemic of female initiated divorce became so chich. The reason you have so many men codependent is that they did what nature told em to invest your emotional health in your spouse. Our biology simply has not caught up.
It is unrealistic to love your person and not need them to treat you with respect, loyalty, love and care. It is unrealistic not to have these expectations and not get hurt each time they are not met.
Your happiness depends on them as long as you are with them.
You need the other person to approve and enrich the good side of you and you need to receive the joy and love of their good side.
Otherwise, we would be all happy singles.
When you decide to be in a loving relationship, you know you can only be vulnerable to build your trust with them.
Being vulnerable can get you deeply hurt and there is nothing you can do to avoid that.
What you can only do is to be strong enough afterwards and seek professional help to help you process the facts that caused the ending and heal and let go or do your best to make it up if there is still a chance to save your relationship.
"Your happiness is dependent on them as long as you are with them"... ouch. That belief is going to create a lot of agony if you hold it too closely. That is codependency, not love. If you can't be a happy single, you are going to struggle to be happy in a relationship, and you are going to put an immense amount of pressure on your partner to create your happiness for you.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach This response is such a cliche and unrealistic.
@@myrtofeli7340 I'm sorry you feel that way. As a coach I'm in the lucky position of getting so see many people accomplish it. They get to have healthy relationships where they love the other person as they are, not because of what they need to get from them. I wish more people could believe such a thing were possible and be willing to do the difficult inner work of taking responsiblity for their own happiness and well being.
What about giving in to the codependency feelings and trying to work it out for the sake of the kids?
As usual, great content. Thanks!
This is crazy because men DO have needs too...I supplied the sugar they want more and more till I run out 😢. I need companionship but it's only one sided with a narcissistic princess
Thanks for watching and commenting! Sometimes we find ourselves attracted to partners who cannot or will not reciprocate. This is actually often the case in codependency.
We all have needs, men and women. Yet often we find ourselves drawn to the very people who cannot meet those needs, and stay stuck in toxic cycles of trying to be 'good enough' or 'sweet enough' to get what we need from them.
It's a bit like going to the butcher and ordering a wedding cake. You can offer him as much money as you want, but you're not getting a cake out of a butcher shop.
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach men marry women like thier mothers...
Women marry men like thier fathers 🙄
I was raised in a very toxic environment and was NEVER going to do that lol like I had a choice ...at first nothing like it but sure enough 🙃
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thank God for recovery tho cause it could of been worse
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I divorced 6 years ago, and still cant got over her. Our children keep me stuck. to constantly see whats ging on with her, where she goes, what she does....who she is with...
It was getting better by time but now , after 6 years she got somebody else and he is about to be around my children. And I have been set back a lot, and I dont see any way out ... i will have to see and wathch their hapiness together form the sideline of loneliness. I am not able to move on ....please help!!!
I'm so sorry you're feeling stuck like this. You're not alone - I have a number of clients who are six years out and still dealing with these issues. Having younger kids together definitely makes it harder.
There are things we can do, and I can help you with them. The two biggies are:
1. Effective emotional regulation
2. Building strong self confidence and a clear sense of identity
Past that we can also focus on your relationship with your kids, communication and ways to create positive interactions and support for them.
If you haven't yet, please take some time to watch my free masterclass here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
It will give you concrete tools for emotional regulation and building self confidence. These two things are essential for navigating a new man in the kids' life, and also for letting go of your ex, especially while you share the care of your children.
Thank you for your reply. I have watched your masterclass. I found it very helpful, but I miss the real prictical solutions... I guess the real stuff is not for free... and that I understand, but I dont have that kind of money for the real stuff unfortunately.
I have managed to more or less regulate my emotions but sometimes I experience serious lows and suicidal thoughts. The only reason I do not do it is not to damage my kids psychologically. The withdrawal of intimacy and shaming towards the end of our marriage still creates a sense of craving of her approval...
Though I have cancelled all real communication bcs she is often verbally abusive, and I still get messages from her that I am worthless in her eyes also keep me from moving on.
Sometimes I am thinking of going total no contact with the kids bcs I do not have a life like this. @@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
Thank you for your reply. I have watched the free masterclass and I found it very useful, but missing the practical solutions. I guess those are not for free, and that is OK. I guess,
I manage more or less to regulate my emotions, but still get serious lows when I get information about her. I am in no contact with her bcs she is often verbally abusive and I am trying to get over her not meeting or talking to her in person. Though in her messages she is still shaming me...And in my lows I have suicidal thoughts.... considering the nitrogen exit method. The only reason I do not do it is not to damage my kids psychologically.
I am still craving her validation after her withdrawal of her intimacy and validation gradually towards the end of our marraiage. I still crave the validation that she sees the good in me. Who I really am. I totally lost my confidence because of her withdrawal and shaming.
I am considering total no contact with my kids, so that some day I can have a life. But this way I feel totally trapped.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
@@satriani19751 I think having some professional help is important at this stage. It doesn't have to be my program. A therapist would be an excellent start. Going no contact with the kids is a big step, and dealing with all the abuse can completely alter your life for the worse.
I'm afraid the practical, step by step process of healing codependency, regulating your nervous system and finding deep self confidence that isn't based on her approval is a long term process. There isn't a single step or solution I can give you in a video, not even an hour long masterclass. That's why I offer the coaching program, where I can give support and feedback and help people navigate the many steps in the process. A good therapist can do the same. I would strongly recommend seeking some support. Doing this alone is very difficult for the human nervous system, especially if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts. It can get better, and there are lots of good low cost therapy options, and a lot of health insurance covers it as well. Honestly, there is no better place to spend your money. Your mental and emotional state impacts everything else, and can literally be the difference between life and death.
My ex returned to check on me and my son after a decade .. Both of us are divorced again and single parents. But, she is earning more than me and getting alimony from her ex. So she kept me as an option only to move on again.
This mistake i did by letting her in again has hurt me alot. And now its getting difficult for me to forget it.
Yes, im angry and frustrated because financially im not in a good position as i was earlier. And where i come from, people nly consider you to be worthy of a relationship if you,re loaded either with money or a professional degree.
Thanks for watching and commenting. I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through a second round of hurt with your ex, especially after your divorce.
I'm going to be really blunt, because you've been dealing with this pain for a long time and sometimes we need a little bluntness to help us make a shift.
This story that you learned from your community, that your worth is tied to your education and finances, is a bullshit story.
You've internalized that story and it sounds like you are using it to beat yourself up. Anger will try to make you focus on your ex and blame her... but this isn't about her. This is a huge wake up call. You have to change this story about your worthiness, or you are going to be at the mercy of your ex and anyone else who makes more money or has a higher level of education than you.
You deserve better than that from your own brain. Change this story. Don't let it sink you.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you Rachel for your invaluable advise. I try not to blame anyone, Not even myself and let bygones be bygones. It's easy to forgive but difficult to forget.
At 40, Education in my country is a great feat. More or less I can't spend time and money on it because I'm barely able to keep up with my responsibilities.
How do I get this void out of my head, I feel lonely at times and suicidal. Try to get some spiritual help, I lose focus on that as well.
@@noman.reigns do you have access to any mental health care where you are? What you describe - the void in your head, the loneliness and the suicidal thoughts - those are all symptoms of a distressed nervous system. The symptoms tell me that your nervous system is a little stuck in a freeze state as a result of the relational trauma from your divorce.
The good news is that there is a lot we can do to help the nervous system rebalance and reset.
One of the best ways is to process your feelings with a compassionate, empathetic person who won't try to fix it for you. A therapist, counselor or religious leader are all great options.
A simple but highly effective method for regulating your nervous system yourself is called Box Breathing. You can find it with a quick google search.
This video may be helpful for you in understanding your symptoms and potential solutions: ruclips.net/video/br8-qebjIgs/видео.html
Gentle reconnection will also help - with friends, family, animals, nature, God... any form of connection will help.
Finally, if it's within your means, you could also join my Better Beyond Divorce community for a month and get access to my Emotional Regulation System which gives you further tools plus a great support group. You can find those details here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/emotional-regulation-program
All the love can be called codependency.
Even tho she’s talking about men , I’m taking it in as the wife
As a Woman
Im having ALL of these issues
Very nice. The point about deriving self worth from other people is especially important because people are lionized for being ‘selfless’. But, you can’t be truly selfless that’s just a recipe for disaster, as many people live like slaves for years chasing the external validation from a partner who is incapable of delivering it.
Wow wow wow. Love our points my man
You’re so right Mark- what seems selfless really sets us up for resentment plus the pain of unmet emotional needs. It’s a hard cycle to break. Thanks for watching and for sharing your thoughts!
My biggest take-away is... I'm definitely co-dependent with my cats! 😻😻
I’m so stressed out right now my wife filed for divorce and we have a one year old and she’s 5 months pregnant now! I can’t stand the thought of living without my wife and kids! I’m not ok
Pls reach for help.
The codependency is just like a wound. You never heal from that completely. You can reduce it only. Because codependency comes from early childhood from the mother-child relation. If your mother was depressed, deatched, unsure whit you in your 1-9 months building codependency was the only way of survival. You can't re-code this pattern in you. You can reduce it. But the definition of love here is problematic: warm feelings toward an other whitout anything needing back? If I share my life whit somebody is that codependency? Love is a reciprocal feeling. If I love somebody but I don't get back anything why I want to be in a relationship? Love is a relationship is never unconditional. Other question is the expectations. If I love because I expect things that is not love. Third notice is: not every men who l let her ex difficult is automatically codependent. This is serious generalization.
Yeah but the world economy would collapse if your boss realizes that he is always angry because he is codependent on you and that's why he doesn't want you married or dating
We have a codependency meeting in town that is chaired or run by a narcissistic that also was placed on a sex crime list for getting caught with kitty porn after 17 yrs sobriety,,over 30 yrs sober now😢..
Ooft. That's a lot to deal with. It sounds like your town could use a new codependency meeting. Maybe you could start your own?
The rooster in the background is therapeutic!! Probably unintentional but awesome nevertheless!
You just described me 98%.
This really helps
Wow, thank you, nailed it.
You're welcome Jeff, I'm glad this video was helpful. Thank you for watching.
I don’t have any of those six signs but I’m a lesbian so I don’t know if it’s the same. I know my wife was codependent with my mom and her sister once I cut my mom out.
You are phenomenal
Why would any man listen to a woman about moving on from loss? A situation women never truly experience. There's always a safety net for you, whether you deserve it or not; the world is looking to cut off our legs and gut us any chance it gets.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I understand how the journey after divorce can feel especially tough for men, with pressures that often go unrecognized. My work is centered on helping men process loss in a way that respects their unique experiences and challenges. Everyone deserves a space to heal and rebuild.
For more guidance and tools that may support you in moving forward, feel free to check out my free masterclass: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
Thank you!
I asked my wife for divorce..we didn't until.tnis year because of co dependency
This definition of love as codependency is toxic. The idea expressed here of non-“co-dependent” love is bloodless and inhuman. This is the blight that is ruining so many happy loving relationships
You want to move on ? Indifference toward your ex wife is what is necessary
Feeling absolutely nothing for her
No codependency nor anger just nothing
This is what will work
There's a song like this by the Lumineers - the lyrics are something like, "The opposite of love is indifference"
It's getting to that point of neutrality that's the struggle. Easier said than done.
Yeah - not sure you got this. Relying on another is literally what every loving relationship depends upon. Can this become toxic if one becomes obsessively reliant - absolutely. I've thought for years now that there needs to be a balance in most things in people's lives. Is anything ever in perfect balance, no. Yet, the desire for another that yes, includes depending on the ones you love is perfectly good. It's not being focused on or relying on another - the problem is and always has been when either [sometimes both] becomes self-absorbed. And they simply highly prioritize their own value well above others.
16 years down the swanny.!!!head as gone 😮
good stuff
I have all those signs.
I have all of those symptoms, LoL
Rumeneting thoughts are killing me in my divorce
Me too
I'm still i the bitter fase. And for once I'll stay in my emotions and respect them. I think it's important to hold on to the idea you introduced in an other video of yours. You as a man has value to, you should choose to let a woman in in you're life because she ads something positive. Besides that sweet sugar all men get so blinded by. The sugar i not worth it anyhow. Not if you are going to work all you're freetime as a terapeut/janitor.
Hi Lennart, thank you for watching and commenting. I hope that you'll learn what you need to know as you sit with your emotions, respect them and allow your body to process them.
This should have been a two minute video, because a lot of it became nonsensical. This is the same nonsense recycled from Byron Katie that killed whatever chance I had left at keeping a decades long marriage intact. Yes, letting a bitter divorce kill your sense of self is dangerous, and can lead to suicide. But that is as far as it goes. If you don't give a S@!# what your partner thinks of you, and it has no impact on your sense of self, are you in a relationship at all? Why should anyone be in a relationship if their partner does not enhance their sense of self? Why would anyone have any relationship beyond seggs-only if we are to avoid attachment and bonding in a way that fulfills our emotional need for companionship, safety, and intimacy ? Emotionally abusive relationships are co-dependent. Men endure such relationships far too often and too long. Divorce is a form of emotional abuse, often instigated by women, for reasons having nothing to do with the man being divorced. If you mean co-dependency is when men don't recognize that abuse for what it is, ok, that I can agree on.
Geesh man. I feel for you but please know there’s good women out there and focus on helping others. Sometimes being alone is best. I’m right there.
You bring up an important point and I think this is why codependency is so confusing for most of us - where is the line between codependency and healthy attachment? What is love and what is codependency?
It's my opinion and experience that codependency prevents supportive attachment and bonding. Are you familiar with Dr. Susan Johnson? She is one of the founders of Emotionally Focused Therapy and spent most of her lifetime studying attachment science.
In one of her classes (she teaches EFT continuing ed) I heard her describe secure attachment vs. insecure attachment in children. If you picture a playground full of kids and moms... and then imagine that a child goes down the slide and falls down at the bottom. He is frightened and runs to his mother, crying.
Studies have shown that if the mother turns to the child and validates him, he quickly stops crying and runs back out to play, often even trying the slide again.
Yet if the mother ignores the child or gets frustrated, the child becomes anxious, staying frightened and seeking more and more attention from the mother.
Healthy attachment helps us self regulate. With the support of a loved one we are more easily able to recenter after an emotional experience. Once regulated we are adventurous and more likely to go out exploring on our own. We are more willing to take risks and be hurt, because our mother helped us to learn that we can be hurt and recover.
Codependency is quite the opposite. When the mother rejects or ignores the child's emotions, that self regulation doesn't happen. The child looks to the mother for comfort they don't get. This can lead to a lifelong pattern of seeking external comfort, support and validation, because we never learned that essential lesson - that we can be hurt and recover.
In adult relationships healthy attachment is very similar. A partner can love and support us without taking responsibility for what we feel. My husband is amazing at this. When I'm stuck in a feeling of anxiety or grief he is kind and compassionate, but he doesn't try to fix it for me. He reassures me, but he also takes care of himself. He doesn't panic and drop everything to 'save' me, and by simply acknowledging what I'm feeling and modeling healthy self care he helps me to remember that I can self regulate, that I can be hurt and recover. I'm lucky to have a partner who does this so well.
I hope this is helpful in exploring that line between codependency and love.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Well thought out answer. Thank you.
To a certain extent I agree that if we wouldn't be able to open up to our partners and help each other grow and progress through life, what point is there in pairing up to begin with. However, there's a balance between fully leaning on one another for our internal emotional regulation and to have somebody to spend time with. And I think this distinction is especially important for men, who often have more of a need for help with emotional regulation, whereas women are overall less attached to the men they're with as they tend to see relationships from a more transactional perspective to start with. It's realisation of these differences that can be quite disillusioning for many men.
Should I show her this?
Interesting question... If you did show it to her, what is the outcome you'd be hoping to achieve?
Seeking understanding
@@skaziblu you could try. In my experience, you're unlikely to get it from her. She's likely to say something like, "if you don't already know, I can't explain it to you" or another equally painful and unsatisfying answer.
She might surprise me though, and you're welcome to try.
A lot of my clients struggle to understand her actions, especially when they were sudden, out of the blue or she is behaving in ways that are inconsistent with the person you previously knew her to be.
You can get a satisfying answer without her, but I've found it isn't usually achievable until you've spent some time processing your emotions and growing your own emotional awareness. Then it starts to fall into place a little better.
If you'd like some help with that, I'm hosting a free workshop starting this week that is going to be a deep dive into emotional processing, regulation and healing.
It would help you feel better and gain some understanding at the same time.
You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-workshop
A certified life coach? Lmao no such thing 😂
I have been watching your videos. There is no justification for the poor behavior of cold woman or the poor decisions of an immature man. Stop trying to justify a woman who can not keep her vows.
It sounds like we have a fundamental disagreement about humans :) I believe that every human action makes sense. It doesn't mean I think those actions are okay or justified, it just means I think they are understandable and inherently human, not a sign of good or evil.
If we're human, we can learn and grow and become better. If we're evil, we're screwed.
Nearly every man I've met who thinks his ex wife is evil harbors a deep, terrifying belief that he himself may be bad, broken or evil... that's why I share the perspectives I do in these videos, because I believe every human is capable of healing, growing, learning and becoming better. If our mistakes make sense, then we can learn to choose better strategies going forward. If our mistakes are because we're evil, then we don't have a chance to change.
Thank you for watching and sharing your comments even though you disagree with me. I appreciate the discussion and your willingness to keep exploring videos from someone who holds a very different perspective than you. It is refreshing! Thank you.
Always a sales pitch.
All men and women know that a woman leaves her husband because
1) he is a coward - he is too scared to fight to be better, seek help, do what is necessary sso that he us better so that he can be a slightly better man at least at TRYING to meet her needs. He is a coward because he refuses to TRULY put in the effort into his marriage in various ways.
The men who put in the effort to meet their wives needs, even IF they fail at meeting them, their wives appreciate the true and honest effort and will NOT leave their husbands.
If the wife is a GOOD woman, she will not even cheat.
2) He's a quitter -- He quit and is hiding behind his insecurities like a child behild their mother's apron strings.
They sit in a corner with their thumbs up their @$5.
What woman wants that?
You are so knowledgeable about this subject. Try being married for 32 years then poof. Gone
Wish that were the case. You can fight for your wife and fight for your marriage, do all the self-improvement work, yet still miss out...
Happened to me. She just got tired of monogamy and poof
@@christempel6527 -- wow
I'm sorry about that for you.
I couldnt keep feeling the anger and hatred towards ex wife or i may have done something i regretted.
Its just the brazeness to "stand up" against someone and act as if i was her oppressor who deserved betrayal, even tho i went out of my way (understanding that i am not a woman so i might not FEEL as affected by certain things) to try and maintain balance, even if i disagreed.
I tried to be her "friend" first instead of her man. And in this world of "women oppression" i tried to not be so domineering.....giving her power and say in the relationship sometimes even allowing for f×ckery to appease her FEELINGS.... I was too co-dependent.
IMO, its too much emotional stress to deal with all that only to have her betray u because YOU cannot manage her emotions while dealing with real life.
Im not bitter, but i just realize that i dont have the emotional bandwidth to deal wtbs.
I love women, just not enough to take on the headache and potential heat ache of being "her man". I wasnt perfect, but i think i was a good man.
But im considered bitter now bcuz i do only what i want to do.....ironically, now as much as the wimen i deal with complain, they still f with me hard and i cant help but wonder if the fact that i truly idgaf if they stay or leave has anything to do with it.
Its almost as if u have to pretend that u care sometimes, but in your heart and mostly deed....not really
I think that true f boyz are on to something when trauma bond is how they keep a woman.
Fortunately, im just a catch and release type of guy.