Restroom Spacing Etiquette | Don McMillan Comedy
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
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America's #1 Nerdy Comedian
What do you get when you cross an Engineer with a stand-up comedian? You get Don McMillan. This former chip designer has been doing his one-of-a-kind, PowerPoint-Driven comedy show for audiences for over 20 years. In his show packed with graphs & charts, Don will show you the funny side of your world that has been sitting right in front of you - you are just too busy working to notice. Don graduated from Stanford University with a Master’s Degree in Electrical Engineering. He then went to work at AT&T Bell Labs where he was part of the team that designed the world’s first 32-bit microprocessor. He then moved to Silicon Valley where he helped launch the start-up company, VLSI Technology. Then after 15 years in the tech world, Don quit his job to become a stand-up comedian. That year he won $100,000 as the Comedy Grand Champion on “Star Search”. Don’s been seen on “The Tonight Show”, “HBO”, and the “Comedy Central”. These days, Don spends most of his time writing and performing customized corporate comedy shows for companies like Google, Apple, Amazon, Microsoft, Ford Motors, and Exxon/Mobil. Don has performed more than 800 corporate shows in the last 20 years and he was named the #1 Corporate Comedian by the CBS Business Network.
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4th guy walks in, and pretends he is just there to wash his hands, until someone leaves.
Or just uses a stall and pretends he has to shit
Naw, I just use the stall and piss on the seat.
@@robmichael8136
I just piss my pants while pretending to wash my hands then leave with my pants soaked in the front…
so people can wrongly assume I pissed my pants. It makes sense.
@@CrizzyEyesDoesn't have to pretend to shit... I never use urinals, cause I want privacy... And I want to sit down.
Naw, you just turn your ass around and come back in 5 minutes...
Fourth guy has to wait since there are no remaining urinals.
in that situation i'd just go to a stall to pee
Facts. Unless there's a phisical divider between urinals, a rare but welcomed sight
There is an exception when your at an event where there's like 1000s of people in an arena. In that situation, you make sure you stare straight at the wall.
Move over Trolley problem... a new contender is in town!!
This is why I’m scared of sports games… those bathrooms fill up fast
The 4th guy would go into one of the stalls pretending to have to poop standing.
Me i just use the toilet, 1 or 2 its more private and less gross
@@TheZiiFamilyalmost guaranteed to be more gross
@@joedoe7572 sadly true too
Just sit down to piss.
@joedoe7572 maybe so but as long as you don't have to poo the only thing you'll touch is your pants.
I did this analysis back in high school. Sometimes it's easier to just use a stall.
A stool?
I gave up on urinals a long time ago 😅
I honestly prefer the stall anyways, less chance of getting my urine to splash back at me
I just use the sink!😆😆😆
but then you have to touch the door to open the stall...
I just pee on one guy's foot. always clears the urinal for me fast!
In a public restroom, I would look on the floor first and prefer the place with least mess which is not already taken.
True
But most of the times they all suck kinda the same, so i just end up taking the one the farther away from any other human being
@@no_name4796 1. so u think hes weird...
2. how much longer is that first one going to take??
he prob was there a min or 2 already...
Ya there’s too many factors to make a catch all formula. As you said, cleanness, is a guy 400 pounds, there’s also the short on to consider. At the end of the day it’s a gut choice you have to make on the spot
Who does that? Yuck 🤮
I just pee whenever and wherever I want
He forgot Urinal-2, which forces guy#3 to always be adjacent to one of the previous 2. It’s quite devious.
plus it’s further from U-3, without being U-5.
I've been guy 3 in that situation. It's pretty darn frustrating.
Man2 to U2 is a forced mate in 1, Man2 to U3 could be a mate in 2, unless Man1 retrreats
Psychopath right here.
Yeah going to urinal 2 is the move if you want to be the asshole lmao
@@matthiascheah3519 Sir...this is a public restroom...
They've done the urinal question in a study with chairs in waiting rooms.
What kind of waiting room are you going to where they use chairs as urinals?????
@@GalexiDude 😁There have been studies such as the one with chairs in a waiting room. Patterns repeat in how the seats fill up as people enter.
@@GalexiDudehhehehahe I love these types of jokes
@@GalexiDude a urologist maybe?
Did it make ya laugh ??
"Move over a little bit, Sparky" 😂
Finally, a PowerPoint presentation that doesn't put me to sleep!
Dropout TV has a whole show dedicated to comedians giving PowerPoint presentations. It's called Smarty Pants. It's really good.
As for this problem, there was a Flash game online in which each level is a different urinal situation. Good times.
Flash games were awesome. It's a sin they got rid of that.
My dad and I nailed it. On the other hand, my mom and my sister miserably failed at it. My had and I had to explain. Best part, mom an sis were like "you REALLY think about it when you go pee ?!?!" and my dad and I : "nooooope, it comes naturally, it's not learned it's innate; we have to think to EXPLAIN it". Both were baffeled.
Yep. That game was produced 20+ years ago. Second to last level was using one of the stalls. Last level was just turn around and leave.
It was actually around before flash. I remember seeing it BBS' back in the day.
Thank you. Knew I had seen it somewhere.
Love your original jokes! "Too close"... "I'm weird"... "at age 90". Don't know how you come up with it, but I find it's brilliant. And your matter-of-fact presentation makes it all come together.
They’re not original, he has stolen from a British comedian Dave Gorman
@@meu02136 The burden of proof lies with you now. Otherwise it's just base slander.
I just make sure there's at least a one-urinal buffer between me and the person already there UNLESS it's after a movie showing at the theater. In that case, I'm going to pee wherever is closest to the door. My bladder is not as strong as it was when I was younger.
Even if there’s a guy there?
@@theworm7156 Well, no. I’ll find an open urinal.
"There's a message there, I'm not sure what it is."
As the old saying goes: once a man, twice a child.
to make comedy out of situation like these is pure genius
The worst place to go would be the second spot because it would leave no legit space for a third guy
Doesn't really matter, as long as there are dividers between each urinal
@@darylfoster7944indeed, but there is no divider in the exemple
The cycle of life, you come back to where you started lol😅😂.
1 or 3. Not 4 for obvious reasons, and not 2 because that would create a situation in which if a third person needed to use a urinal, their only choices would all be next to someone.
Yup. Take position 2 and you are basically saying, “I’m a sociopath”.
I wonder if certain urinals show more use than others because of this.
@@DougNeville17 The difference between urinal 2 and urinal 4 is the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath
Nah I'll take #2 but I'll be in and out in 15 seconds.
I read a study many years ago that the first bathroom stall is generally the cleanest because everyone assumes it’s the most used and end up using another one.
This is why I almost always wait for a stall.
I don't even look at the urinals. It's stall or nothing. I'll wait. I guess I've always done that, even in elementary school when I was first introduced to them. I find them obnoxious and gross as hell and then there's the other guys at them which are worse. Nope! 😁
This is hilarious!!!
As a European, the public restroom etiquette is universal. It transcends, borders, continents, probably planets.
So Don has finally convinced me that there IS a valid use for Power Point. Jokes.
Urinal 2 is a malicious move😂.
Checkmates the next guy. Best move.
There’s the odd occasion when you gotta whiz so bad that you just don’t care. “Let ‘em cope”, you think to yourself.
can confirm
I've been in that situation
Don...sir, you are the cat's pyjamas ❤😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hahahaha. My dad is 91 and lives with us. He’s happy having a good hot meal, a good bowel movement and a comfy bed and a good nights rest. 😂
You are one of the funniest stand-ups out there. Keep on keepin on.
Anyone else pause at 2:27 with their magnifying glass to decode the happiness formula? 🔎
Didn't need to. I'm only 50 but mine looks like the 90-year-old.
taking care of my 100y old great aunt and her husband 95y, and you Sir nailed it 100% ⭐👍😁
The Schwartz is strong with this one.
The second from the left also weird, the 3rd person will be closer to someone
Second from left is the sociopath’s position - unnecessarily making guy 3 pick a urinal next to a stranger.
Its called checkmate
@@kennyngo9200I love this reply
@@kennyngo9200the only acceptable move
Both sharing the same urinal would be very Ghostbusters...don't cross the streams!!!
As far as sharing urinals goes... um... well... there was this drive in theatre when I was younger, and it has basically a giant horse trough as a urinal with a tilt to drain out the pipe fitted to the bottom on the other end. Yup, everyone just found 'their spot' and let er rip.
Simpler times.
But it wasn’t a drive in urinal? I mean you had to leave the car?
@@tekha1977 Yeah, of course you did. You asking this to be silly, or because you were dropped on your head? Of course you have to leave the car. There is no room to stand inside a vehicle easily for most adults. And the ones that do allow you to stand inside the vehicle.... like an RV or custom bus build... have a toilet inside already... usually.
So again? You askin to be silly, or just dumb?
@@ManuFortis I thought people watched these clips because the were laughable and silly.
Sorry if my silly comment ruined you entire life.
@@tekha1977no he's right, you asked a pretty dumb question :p
In a public restroom, I will go into a stall, thank you kindly
You will never be a woman
The flow chart is brilliant 😂
The happiness flowchart did help him find happiness, because his happy place is making flowcharts
I'm so pee shy I'll wait if there's free spots but I have to stand next to another guy
4th guy walks in and pretends he has to take a dump and uses the stall.
As a woman, I never thought how uncomfortable it would be to go to the bathroom publicly where even the person washing their hands could see you. So very used to stalls.
This is excellent! I really love your humour Don.
Being 90 and happy with just food, sleep and poop, makes me think of those uncertain times in my life where i couldnt committ to something because something else was going to happen.
Yesterday a curfuffel happened at my work, and it took about an hour to nail down that i had to come in.
Which jacked up my plan, to finally eat something that day, at 3:30pm in the afternoon. "I cant order chinese, i might have to drop everything and go in!"
Is a lot like "i cant buy a new car, im gonna die sometime in the next 6 years!" 😂
So, food. Poop. Sleep. Smile. 😂
When I was in the Army, we had a 5 minute bathroom. Break everyone had to pee and the drill sergeants told us to "double up."
At a rock concert yer happy yer pocket or shoes don't git filled !!
When I grew up none of this mattered.
Hell. They had big long troughs along the wall. Stand anywhere and piss.
I love all your jokes Don.
The "Bad" option is the troughs at Oakland Colosseum
Dave Barry included a nearly identical diagram in his Complete Guide to Guys 20 years ago, though he had a different solution for the fourth guy.
"Food, Sleep, Poop'' is the "Eat, Pray, Love" of us men.
So babies are basically like real life Sims, if all they bars are full they are happy
1:27 That has actually happened to me... It was a toilet bowl, but extremely weird nonetheless!
This is actually similar to choosing a chair in a waiting room.
The 2nd urinal is for when you think the other guy is weird and want to keep your distance, but also you're weird so you set yourself up in a way to increase the odds of another pissing right next to you
Some Men's rooms in Europe there is one huge urinal something of a tough. So spacing is just dependent things like if it's half time. Because then spacing is to the elbows and it's fine.
Gotta love the ones that go to the floor
I remember Jason Manford doing the urinal etiquette thing mote than 10 years ago.
You're awesome
No fair peeking
- My Fellow Americans
Dave Barry wrote something very similar in his book Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys, published almost thirty years ago.
Yes. That is where I saw this before.
My friend always goes totally the urinal that is closest to the exit. He does this for almost everything, he chooses the nearest place to the exit, and if not possible then close to a window.
I once waited in line for the urinals at an airport restroom. There were no dividers and there were 3 people spaced out just like you had diagrams, not one guy was willing go go into either of the open urinals. The line was much preferable.
You forgot about the checkmate solution of taking the urinal that’s 2 away from Guy #1, which leaves Guy #3 with no urinal unless it’s next to someone.
Clever and funny.
Yup. This is real.
I read this about in a math book once.
Best comedy ever
I am 4 parallel universes ahead of any of this, i just go in the stalls 👌
Where I live at in Alberta Canada the local mall has 3 urinals in the food court washroom area. I have been wondering WHY when they rebuilt the foodcourt area and installed the new urinals that they were lower in height than NORMAL. Finally got tired of wondering and looked into it, turns out that they lowered the height of urinals so that anyone with a wheelchair or a walker could have easy access to the urinal. Hmmmm is that not why they made 1 stall larger so that wheelchair/walkers had access to a stall and privacy? I’m not picking on anyone with a disability just reporting what I was told. I’m a disabled veteran so if I picked on someone with a disability that would be like eating your own (think that’s called a Metaphor?) might be wrong.
I've had a dude pull up next to me and I looked at ALL the empty urinals and just shook my head.
“You look weird” implies you looked. Nobody wanna imply that.
1:20 is a necessity sometimes at those Florida beaches tho lmao
They build these bathrooms and give them like 4 toilets total and that's it for the entire block unless you wanna solicit the 3 beachfront restaurants that actually have restrooms. It's even worse at places like John's Pass. Cool area, terrible bathroom situation. Was there for 6 hours, had to use the bathroom three times, and went to a different bathroom each time (not by choice, they're poorly labelled), and they all had 2 urinals and one handicap stall. And there were like fourteen people just packed in these tiny bathrooms.
Apparently the real motto in Florida is "The Barest Minimum"
I remember one time in school not a joke. I had to share a urinal with 2 other guys while at best 2 guys shared the toilets if it wasn’t in use by one guy dropping off some timber. We developed this system because of pep rally’s that the school made mandatory for us to go to. Afterwards everyone goes to the can at the same time because we all needed something to drink during the pep rally. For maximum efficiency, and zero line everyone picked a urinal, picked a buddy looked at the wall, and shut up.
I just use the stall tbh
All of that etiquette goes out the window when sporting events and alcohol are involved...
I remember this from the Best Page on the Internet.
Never, ever, use a urinal next to someone over the age of 90.
That’s like seating picks on Southwest…the old people couples sit one at the window and the other on the isle.
This tactic hopes the center seat is left open.
I want to start sitting right between them and start talking a up a storm.
Let them know I talk the whole flight and must sit between people for it’s let a security blanket. 😂
The real solution is just build full stalls in all public restrooms.
Remember the days of: IRISH: NEED NOT APPLY? Sometimes the applicant is smarter than the employer, Don McMillan has successfully made that true. I LOVE Don McMillan, was an honor to see one of his performances live. IRISH people have always been funny, their IQ, their job, is IRRELEVANT. Who is the funniest guy in Braveheart??? I rest my case.
Guy who chooses the no 2 stall won't be standing in pee.
since he didnt mention it: you should not pick urinal nr 2.
the message is' i am a soziopath'. because when nr 2 and 5 are occupied, the third guy will always have to make a tough choice of, which guy he likes more
The rea question is when you have to choose between crowding the on guy at the urinal or take the one right next to the guy shitting in the stall next to you? There is no buffer zone to choose
Hey Sparky, don't cross the streams.
Wish I didn't care but I do. Dudes who strike up a conversation at the urinal are next level social.
This ia great standup. 😂
What is worse is the rectangular trough or even the round trough when you get to stare at another guy peeing directly across from you
Wtf? Never seen that.
4th guy would have to just wait until one of the other 3 leaves. Obviously.
Him Ricky Gervais with the visual aides. Love it.
What about the long trough urinal? What is the etiquette for that? Is it just one urinal? If it's 8 feet long, is it four urinals, three, two?
What do I do?
I go for the open stall all day long. No pee pee gazing happens there.
In the 8th Century Buddhist classic "Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life" the author Shantideva says that all a monk has to do is "eat, sleep and shit".
I might be paraphrasing a little.
I always just pick the center one now. No one picks the center.
Can I get a pdf of that 30 year old chart?
I'd say Urinal #2 is the best solution. Why? You'll notice in EVERY damn public bathroom you go to, the floors are most disgusting along the edges because that's where most people go and there's lots of splashback. So #2 is the best balance--still plenty far from #5, but also much cleaner floor than #1.
As the fourth guy, I'd use the ladies bathroom.
I'd like to see the urinal problem applied to halftime at a football game, when the sinks come into play as well. Way more awkward than the 2-guys-at-one-urinal situation.
Is there a printout for the happiness flow chart age 30?
In the UK, in some busy clubs, events etc. Women will often go into the gents to use the toilet cubicles because there are so many queuing for the ladies.
I am so disappointed that the video quality doesn't let me see properly the happy chart for 30 yo.
Right? I need to know the secret.
The real test comes when there is an even number of urinals.
At least the way to unhappy is always clear. Any of the billions of reasons and there you go.
A 4th guy would wait...
when they give you 5 options but in reality theres only 3
This was on the internet 20 years ago lol.
I just use the cubicle