The obsessive compulsive narcissist is an exhausting person to live with. Thank you so much for this information! You really covered a lot of information, and I appreciate everything you teach us!!!!
I figure alot of people get drawn into these relationships because it started out by thinking that they were the ones to have the problems. Or the congenital connection to say the least.
Yes they are! The person who is supposed to be in the number one spot to love and support is instead someone who who come to cringe and as soon as their car pulls up.
Sounds like my ex husband. My therapist definitely thinks he's a narcissist, but many of the topics in this video are more specific. I'm still trying to heal from the trauma.
This is my father exactly. As a child he would argue the smallest details with me and would whip out his phone saying "you just wait, I'm right." then would find a super super minor detail that I got wrong in or something that would prove me wrong and would call it a win for himself. He did this everywhere. At the dinner table, out with friends, it constantly felt like he was trying to humiliate me for his own gain. I grew a lot of resentment towards him because he always got his way and I never did as a child. If I really was looking forward to going somewhere my dad would throw a fit and my mother always gave in to what he wanted. If he didn't get his way and still to this day he has outbursts and rages like a toddler, flailing his arms, stamping on the ground, screaming red in the face over the tiniest of set offs for him. You couldn't even change a light bulb without him freaking out because he didn't know how you did it without him or get his permission first, rules apply to my mother as well. Living with him is hell to say the least. He will ignore and stalk you at the same time, depending on his mood for the day. He has zero boundaries and also has been told by multiple people that he has OCD but is in complete denial of it. The emotional abuse that man has put me thru has been a total mindfuck and I hope no one has to live or have someone related to them with this personality disorder. I always felt like my father was a ghost.
Their bullies, and act like little kids and love to be very competitive, where think they can win in any situation..I married one of this type of person
Me, too. My Dad rages over the smallest thing. I'm his servant...he's 91...and he never says thank you when I help him because that's beneath him and I'm the lowly daughter. He's sarcastic, condescending, scrutinizing and cold. I can ask him if he wants something to eat and he'll turn it into an opportunity to chastise me for not already knowing/intuiting he's not hungry. He gets mad if I have to ask him what he wants because I should already know without asking. When he gets up in the morning, I brace myself wondering what part of the rollercoaster he will be on that day. He will be cutting in his speech and, when I call him out on it and get mad, he sulks and plays the victim. Then, after a few days, he's back to the same pattern all over again and being mean. He's controlling and everything is about him. If I do 99 things right and one thing wrong, he focuses on that one thing I did wrong and tells me how I "screwed up.". He's pulled his fist back at me more than once, called me cuss words, called me stupid, a liar and worse. He is at end of life so I pray a lot while taking care of him...I also walk three miles a day to deal with the stress and listen to prayers while I walk...it really helps and gives me strength. But the stress is overwhelming and my coping is corroding. I take breaks but the virus limits me and, when I'm back around him, it's just more of the same. Thank you, Dr. Grande, for your videos. They help a lot.
Oh my, how I know what you are talking about. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. It is like you would describe my dad! Growing up was a horror! With all his screaming tantrums, silent treatments and hours long interrogations about why I got the second best mark in the school and not the best. I was not allowed to go out with friends, I had an exact time to go to bad, I was not allowed to use my laptop in a bad and millions of other rules... it was so confusing and super isolating experience since my peers and other adults usually saw mistake in me not rebelling enough... I always thought I would like to see them on my place. Many thanks to doctor Grande for shading a light on this particular type of narcissism!
“There’s no room to be human” I’ve literally said this to an OCNarc. Anything sets them off especially not having the same precision as them. Like Dr. Grande said, everything is great but they’ll focus in on that one minuscule thing and I mean THEE TINEST THING that isn’t and then continue magnifying it and finding other things like it to give reason as to why they are “superior”. It’s sad that they live their lives this way... and the people who come in contact with them and mistake this behavior for love, care, friendship etc. It’s not. Leave as safely as possible.
I invited a narcissistic lady to live with me after dating less than six months. My brother had ALS, and I needed someone to hold down the fort while I helped my brother, sleeping at my Mom's house several times a week, every other day so my Mom and Sister could get a rest. She turned into a demon as soon as she drank, and when I called her out on it, playing back a video tape of her ranting and cussing, hitting me, she said she'd tell the cops I raped her, she would have the evidence in her. Wow. From that moment, it took me almost four months to get her to leave without getting falsely arrested for rape by someone with no compunction about bearing false witness. I had trouble trusting people, already, and this was a real eye opener, that many do not react in kind to love. They are not feeling what we feel. They think life is a zero sum game.
This is my ex. I tried to leave twice, what finally worked was leaving without a word (all the words had already been said) and then politely acting like I didn't know who he was when he tried to make a public confrontation, as he had in the past. In the past, I ignored his calls and texts but I'd get sucked in when he confronted me in a public place. I'd be embarrassed, and allow myself to be manipulated into a private meeting. The last time, I let him rant, looking confused, interjecting 'I'm sorry, who are you again?' and asking him to spell his name. Don't do this if the person is physically violent.
I have someone in my life with these characteristics (unfortunate, yes). What is more unfortunate is that I realize I have been picking up on some of these characteristics myself (possibly as a self-defense?), and I have noticed other people around this person have done the same. I would be interested in hearing about how others' disordered thinking can become ingrained in your own, particularly when it comes to narcissistic behavior.
Yeah the days I work with this person I noticed I kind of mimick some of his "talking circles" 😮. I was thinking today, I don't want to be here much longer "absorbing" this stuff. Must be why he has been divorced three times.
I just stopped dating someone who had many of these traits. It was too exhausting when I also have my own mental health issues to deal with. Great eye-opening video 🙂
It really is, I live with an idiot step dad with both of those things. He has gotten so much in a dazzle to get me to meetings, appointments, etc., to the point where he has almost ran my foot over dropping me off so he wouldnt be late, or driving when I haven't even my seatbelt on. Sometimes hes even started moving the car before I've even gotten in it.
It is torture for my family member at times yes. I can get so frustrated with interaction with this person. In the end it has been a sad way to live so far.
I have been trying to figure somebody out and wondering why I felt emotionally disregulated around them and with this particular condition I find that they vacillate between both subtypes the aggressive and the fawning and that would explain why I felt the human magnet syndrome in motion.,.. I would do something nice for them and they would hate me for it or get mad at me and that breaks my heart. The real sad part is is that here in Bay county, every time I try to date they have an element of narcissism so I can't date at all everybody has a personality disorder here
My mother exactly... it’s incredibly frustrating having a narcissist mother with ocd. I also believe narcissist with ocd personality traits are highly aggressive. Great video
My mom too 🙃 but she is also a medical professional so she’s aware enough to know which ones to hide (unless she’s SUPER triggered by something) so that she isn’t called a narcissist….
Omg “There is no room for being human.” sounds soooo much like my ex! This whole video describes him completely. Every conversation was a battle of who knows more; everything I did was criticized. He always knew more than me. Yet he always quoted this to me, “The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing.” RIGHT.
This describes my mother perfectly. I realise that parts of this video also describe me. I think I have some narcissistic traits because I was raised by my totally narcissistic mother. She has influenced me. The difference between us is that I don't think I'm perfect and I realise when my actions hurt others. I've changed so much for the better since moving out from under her roof.
This explains a lot. I grew up with ADD in the 60’s when there was not very much help in any of these areas. I still have “ pay attention!” Ringing In my ears, among other things. Now Having someone in my life who is so “perfect” and smart and diagnosed OCD opens up all these wounds. At least now I have a better understanding
Wow, I can only imagine all of the energy necessary to keep the OC Narcissist's house of cards from tumbling over. I'm sure the whole dynamic is extremely taxing to them.
This helped me to understand how my ex could never be happy or appreciative with anything, but rather, would obsessively hone in on one tiny and often illogical thing (a past event, something he felt he was being slighted for, etc) COMPLETELY dismissing/not even mentioning or appreciating all of the many positive things or all of the caring and giving things I would do for him, and just make a situation/conversation/me so miserable by going on and on about it ad naseum, being accusatory and critical while doing so. I am so glad I left. These people will destroy your life if you stay with them.
I live with one at the moment. Try having ADD/ADHD and living with a obsessive narcissist they’ll try to make you feel bad about what you can’t even help doing
Are you on aderrall or another med cuz without them I am seriously useless, it got much worse after trauma. If I stop taking them i turn into a couch-log for days. I keep meeting unmedicated adults and its crazy when these pills work so well.
@@overimagination2812 and actually I think right now it's probably cheaper from my medicine then it is yours go figure but like I said you don't got to worry about going to jail copping your medicine. Without it I can't even form of thought I can't even think about getting out of bed I can't even think about...... about anyting it hurts to think I'm confused muddled it's horrible a horrible mess it should be noted that I don't smoke it or any of that shit I take it orally. Been at it for 30 years though and the rare occasion that I do run dry I am like you said totally and completely devoid of any kind of ambition to take the next breath I am completely. The way I look at it as whatever it takes to get you through another day within reason of course
I have ADHD; I was just thinking how difficult life would be if I had an Obsessive-Compulsive Narcissist parent. With all that precision, I get the impression they would want me locked away in some kind of institution.
Thanks for this vodeo Dr. Grande. I have featires of OCPD and just started back with therapy to work on some of my cognitive distortions. I can relate with the OC Narcissist. I do have a healthy relationship, so I dont think I am a severe example, but it is my tendency to always see the negative, alienate people, need to be the smartest in the room, and impose my level of organization on others. Thanks for helping me understand these disorders so I can progress in my therapy.
Thanks for your incredibly honest reply and all the best wishes for your therapy. Nobody chooses to have personality disorders, I have a bunch of them myself. It is painful to see them discovered in a negative fashion. Keep up the good work!
i just wanted to say I have watched a few of your older videos this week and must say you have come a long way in getting comfortable in front of the camera. thanks for all the great videos even if I don't comment every time.
One of the best things about videos on narcissism, especially from someone like Dr. Grande, is being aware enough to recognize if YOU are exhibiting those symptoms (or close to it). I find myself having to think of myself as much as my ex-narc to make sure I'm not part of the problem. (Thankfully I'm not a narc, lol, though at times I see where I might be guilty of perpetrating some actions but not in an intentional and malicious way.) ;}
This is so well done, doctor... 💚 Yes, I enjoyed it and moreover it describes my experiences very well. 🙂 I see the unwilingness to compromise, so that there just can exist a loser and a winner in the end, as the core of such interpersonal experiences. It turns relationships into a form of earthly hell. I think, this type of person instinctually checks the power balance at the very beginning - and when they see it as favourable to them, the fun begins. And yes, lack of precision is a great topic in these relationships, too. 'Right' and 'wrong' are key words. And yes, it is fundamentally irritating to oneself. Dangerous without appealing at first glance as such. Thank you so much and have a fine day. ✨
Oh wow, this was greatly informative for me! I have never before heard of such a concept of an Obsessive-Compulsive Narcissist yet this has really hit many, many points which I know from my personal experiences. This explained so much more to the behaviour and thoughts of those around me, of which I am already well aware they are to be highly dangerous on the spectrum of narcissism itself, of course I cannot and would not clinically diagnose such persons, but hearing this added a greater depth to explain an exceeding precision of those whom I can identify as such, with this additional set of characteristics. Thank you Dr Grande, this was very helpful.
Fantastic insight Dr. Grande! Like many of us, I've binged-watched my fair share on narcissism related content. This was a very new and fresh angle to look at this personality trait and helped clear up so many gray areas, thank you so much!
My mother is a combination of OC and Vulnerable Narcissist. Growing up, I had a 30 minute “curfew” as soon as the school day ended. That was time I had to spend rushing home to avoid my mother yelling at me, demanding to know what “trouble” I had getting myself into. This timeframe was never adjusted when I went from elementary to junior high, that was a further distance from home. During junior high, riding my bike home as fast as I could would result in me getting home 35 minutes after school ended, upon which I would receive my mother’s interrogations. When I tried to explain to her that my junior high was further away than my elementary school, my mother insisted distance had no relevancy in how much time it took for me to arrive home. Um...laws of physics much, Mother?
I am sad to say I see myself in this a lot. However a former friend of mine topped that so hard. The friendship felt like a war, actio-reactio until I lost every possible "battle". I think you could add always saying 100% the truth to the list. Otherwise a perfect achievement is not convincing, neither for the Narcissist nor for others.
This was SUCH a spot on explanation!! Thank you for covering even the most specific disorders and doing such a good job at it, you have made my quarantine very educational, I am going to apply everything you taught me to real life. YOU A REAL ONE DR GRANDE!!
This sounds exactly like my mother. And let me tell you, not a day goes by that I don’t feel resentment knowing most of my life has been wasted because I’ve enabled her behavior. I always dream of the day I’ll be free. I hope it actually comes.
I read this in Psychology Today, it totally makes sense: "Narcissists grew up in homes where admitting being at fault led to being "devalued". If they admit that they were wrong and believe it, they are likely to turn their overly harshly and punitive internal “judge” on themselves and feel unbearable shame and sink into a self-hating depression. Naturally, they would rather blame you!" They live in constant anxiety "I must be perfect, I don't need anybody because if I get attached I get hurt. It's due to avoidant attachment (trauma) formed in childhood. Not saying you should stay in such a relationship and suffer. Never accept any long-term form of abuse they give you... you have only one life to live. They are like boxers in the ring that don't stop punching you because they can't see that you are being hurt when they are in their rage... they can switch "off" their sense for empathy (i.e. object constancy) for you whenever they feel vulnerable. They can't hold a negative emotion for too long because it forces them to admit they were wrong (if I admit that I was wrong, I will be punished for this) so they project it onto you by blaming you. That way they can get instantly rid of the negative emotion that is potentially traumatizing to them. They are deeply wounded individuals and many of them stay alone forever... unless they fool you into marriage or having kids. Yeah, they win the battle but lose the war. Divorcing them is a messy process, they will fight. They only wake up after their whole life falls apart but many of them don't recover fully just get milder in their actions.
Good morning doc. As always great video. I love all the nuances you cover in your examples it really gives good insight on how to understand this behavior.
Thank you Very interesting topic. A friend once picked up from Phil McGraw that people who are late for appointments are narcissistic. They reminded me of that for years. They always hated that I called him an Oprah endorsed Jerry Springer. Listening to real unbiased information from a calm empathetic voice has been a huge help. I've been able to help others too by saying some of the things I've heard or thought about while watching your channel. It's helpful to understand how conditions present together, and you have a talent for explaining things. I have a lot to learn. OCD is hard to understand and like Autism and PTSD there's a lot of different information available. A lot to think about in today's and this week's content. Needs to be watched multiple times, and the more I learn the more I see I need to learn. Good encouragement to keep watching.
I've been divorced for 9 months but I got an instant headache and a creepy deja-vu listening to this explanation of the ex! Exactly his behaviours! Uncanny wrap-up but thank you for the clinical statements that validated my feelings about his warped experience of being alive.
Thank you Dr Grande. I have never seen this topic covered before and really enjoyed it. It explains and gives insight into the very bizarre behaviour I once experienced while buying goods from a small business, who would not accept the goods were unsuitable for me to the point of police involvement as they would not stop harassing me to make a purchase/say the goods were perfect for everyone.
Thank you Dr. Grande! Just compulsively hit the like button ~ have a great friend who has a brother with OCD but he seems like the most successful and smartest one on the block in a big way: the most decorated nano specialist according to Wiki, but married an 18 year old who wanted to go to Disneyland for their honeymoon (he fitted it in with the Greek Island tour). It flipped out some highly intelligent women who dated him, but he told close friends he saw smart people all day and needed a change at night. She is very pretty and dresses very well, always wears holiday clothing, Chinese New Year's outfits, etc. He really has a lot of the mad scientist traits and his parents were happy when he married because it normalized him, before that he was living on a boat in Marin, which sounds romantic and most likely was, but in reality it was a cold unheated boat, but had a fun band that played in amazing places, like outdoors on floating stages in Vienna, etc. Highly exotic. His brother is dyslexic and felt slightly overshadowed but he is the one who is great at knowing what people need, his heart is huge, he is always bringing dinner to his parents, caring for his loved ones, whereas the other drops the ball in that area in odd ways sometimes. Wow, sorry about writing something so long, but this is such an interesting topic, because OCD can play a part in very important work that maybe not all are suited to. Thnx so much for all of your in depth vids, they are so helpful to so many.
This was great! Normally, I get halfway through a lengthy post and zzzzz Confession: I am a psychotherapist and dated a narcissist woth OCD. Not for long, but he was intense and intriguing.
Raw Olympia Now I want to meet these people lol... I can relate to the see smart people all day thing but the whole thing but the 18 year old made me think I don’t think this guy has got it quite the same way I see it, I know heart is the most important thing but combined with wisdom and experience . Something like that.
Some of the traits you have mentioned here deeply resonate with some of my behaviors, and I would not be surprised if I was on this spectrum. I have always attributed this to abuse during my teenage years. I have also observed in the stories of others’, who seem to exhibit narcissistic traits, that bullying/abuse seems to be a common trigger. I’ve never been diagnosed for anything, but I am acutely aware of certain traits that can and had been toxic (mostly to myself, not others).
Dr. Grande, you are amazing and things are now so clear to me. I was raised by a narcissistic OC father who destroyed our entire family in many ways. Your assessments and playlists are better than any therapy I could possibly seek. THANK YOU!!!
Thank you soooooo much for this video!! It has made things more clear for me and will help in my recovery as an OCPD Narcissist survivor! Many of your signs describe my grandma who just passed away in April EXACTLY!! Also, your video on the Narcissist Mother and Daughter relationships was right on point! There were lots of similarities with the first two types!
My manager is OCD and narcissistic. His need for dominance actually slows everything down, and he is myopically focused on appearances, and seems incapable of putting service first. He targets and devalues the most talented people in the office, and will turn any request for compromise into an act of disobedience and attack the person's character. He is really good at pretending to be nice until he feels like he can get away with triangulating and devaluing others. Grey Rocking has been the only thing that has reduced his attacks.
My father is an OC narcissist..treats my mother like a queen but with me, *completely* different story..it's taken a *very* *very* long time to forgive him and work through it..he only put value on me AFTER other's did but the damage was already done..as an adult, I would become infuriated at any affection he provided (mainly superficial) and would lash out at him..there was zero, *ZERO* room for error throughout my entire life..he *NEVER* let anything go, EVER, reminding on a daily basis of everything he deemed my fault..EVERYTHING was my fault, for example, even blaming me for his cussing..saying if I didn't exist that problem wouldn't..anything he deemed bad always went back to how it made him look..he emotionally abused me everyday of my life growing up, mixed with a bit of physical abuse at times..he has said things that I will never repeat because regardless, I love him..he has been given MANY prestigious awards, including "man of the year", through various groups..I heard over and over again from people he coached, taught and mentored, that I was the luckiest person on Earth for having him as a father..I would either stay silent or if it was a particular stressful moment, I would say "you can have him!!" I paid for every mistake my other siblings made (which to-date I never repeated) and it was almost like he resented my entire existence..he wanted a boy after 2 daughters and I was a girl..he ALWAYS hugged my friends and literally never me..he was completely affectionate towards his grandchildren, great grandchildren, and still is..he's never told me he loves me, doesn't acknowledge my bday, ever and yet I still do these things for him..again, I have forgiven him and in studying behavioral psychology, understand WHAT he truly is..in forgiving him I know the burden is not on me and ultimately he will have to answer for his transgressions..I will not allow for him to live rent free in my head, filling me with bitterness..I did that for waaaaay too long..my love will ALWAYS outshine his past hate..I really really appreciate this video!! Thank you for backing up your explanations and maybe someone out there, like me, will see their situation in a different light..maybe it'll help someone work through their pain..I wish I had had someone line this out when I was a child..maybe it can save them from suicidal thoughts, drugs, catatonic depression and feelings of self worth..something I was not spared of..thank you for your work!! Can't imagine how many other's your work helps =) God bless 💜💜💜
Throughout your video, my comments are, oh my God, oh my God, this is my boyfriend. I know he is a narcissist but after viewing your video, I know what kind and to what extent. Everything you said is spot on. Gaslighting is another trait but I think you mentioned that but in a different way. So scary and sad and exhausting to be in a "relationship" with someone like this. Thank you so much for this video!
@Josh Belcher Josh, that portrait of me is amazingly accurate. The beady black two-dimensional eyes, the pallor of liver failure due to frequent Ketel One consumption, the sleepy eyes from the "medical" cannabis. Thank you.
As always...great video! Dr. Grande could you do a video on the phenomenon of "mid life crisis"? It would be interesting to hear your insights on this.
Very good video, doc! Really, this one seemed particularly well made. Good examples. Do you believe the OC traits would make a tendency to more grandiosity or vulnerability in a narcissistic person?
A new subscriber. Very detailed and informative topic. I would have never guessed that OCD and narcissism character traits can overlap with each other but I can definitely see this being possible as my current partner has pretty much exhibited everyone last one of these traits on a daily basis. 😫
I'm asking because I care, Dr. Grande, but are you feeling ok? The top button of your shirt is agape! In all seriousness, you're a big part of why I decided to reign my diagnoses in and continue my education. I truly appreciate your insight and impartiality.
hey dr. grande, could you maybe do a video on the personality disorders that are no longer stated in the dsm / personality disorder not otherwise specified? i remember reading about 'depressive personality disorder, sadistic pd, self-defeating pd and passive-aggressive pd'. i'd be interested to learn more about pdnos, symptoms and why these are no longer classed as personality disorders. thanks!
I appreciate the examples you give, which are not in the DSM of course. I think there is a little bit of this personality type in everyone when having a stressful life, for control.
If we don't know what OCDP is, then maybe we have some of if ourselves, no? I didn't understand OCPD until I met someone later in life who was so over the top that I finally realized what narcissism was. But, before that, I just assumed most people operated within a parameter of fairness, just as i believed I did. isn't that Narcissism on my part, to believe a general level of fairness exists in everyone I meet? If we don't recognize narcissism early on in a relationship, isn't it because we were focused on what was making us happy first, rather than what mattered most in the relationship? Isn't that a form of Narcissism?
I have a bit of narcissism as well. I am going through a period of insane sleep deprivation because I obsess over the fact that I am not in control of my sleep. I wake up so many times and I don’t know why and it frustrates me that I cannot sleep. The more one thinks and wants sleep the more one doesn’t get it. Insomnia has caused a lot of mental problems for me but I’m not sure if my mental problems caused my insomnia. Then I am also obsessed with loosing my intelligence from the insomnia because I am obsessed with philosophy and knowledge and it frustrates me how dependent on sleep humans are. I wish I could never sleep. Sleep deprivation causes you to feel like you are loosing yourself when you loose your abilities. I lost my musical talent and my abstract thinking. Now I’m just a crazy idiot who cannot sleep. And why do I care about my intelligence and my creativity so much? Because I’m a narcissist that just wants to show off at times. But I truly did love making music and now that I can’t I am sad and depressed. All because of an obsession with sleep. But, what I am trying to say is that I think that we all have a bit of narcissism like you said because we all want what makes us happy. Some more than others. Some think about themselves more than others. I just hate how extreme insomnia can bring out the worst traits in a person and then have me worry that I’m loosing my mind or question what mental problems I do have. All I’m saying is that I’m a mess and obsessing sucks ass. I’m sorry if I sound crazy
You need to contact a good attorney, preferably one who advertises on TV.
4 года назад+6
Dr Grande This was unique. You've detailed the detailing narcissist. I'm wondering how this development; does it veer off from OCD or "generic" narcissism? Is there a predictable age or event motivating this level of narcissism? Has anyone researched a crossover between Asperger's and OCD narcissism? Your video has explained the peculiar irritations I've experienced, and although I'm not qualified to make a professional diagnosis, anecdotal evidence exists. Ty
Emily Although it is possible for people to have more than on condition, of course, Aspergers is not a mental health condition, it is a developmental disability characterised by a lower nodal neuronal connectivity and higher regional connectivity. While the person with Aspergers may appear to show similar symptoms, being rigid in habits and having restricted interests, there is not the drive to dominate the other person for personal gratification. Being awkward and rigid in habit, or being concerned with getting something exactly right is not the same as trying to belittle others for pleasure. Of course, people with autism absolutely can have mental health issues as well and most have high levels of anxiety. An important distinction is that autistic people are rigid because they don’t understand what is happening socially. They often believe that conversation is for exchanging information, and therefore are upset if the information is not correct. The narcissist is highly capable socially and is deliberately being demeaning in order to gratify their ego.
I like how these type of videos have comments sections full of people self-congratulating themselves about not being Narcs and who are always talking about this or that "evil bastard" in their lives, but generally nobody seems to ever look at their own responsibility in their relationships nor do they seem to consider how they may very well be Narcissistic themselves. We live in a world full of Narc personalities so these comment sections come across to me like a ton of smug "Narc survivors" projecting and projecting endlessly (hating in others what you see in yourself) Remember: you attract what you are to a large extent, so if you attract fucked up people, guess what? The Narc personality has recently become some sort of public enemy #1 in the collective conscious and they make for a somewhat easy target for these unaware lynch mobs who seem to have a very limited understanding of how much the Narc personality is a product of various traumas and not just the result of a big ego for its own sake. "It's not me, it's the Narc in my life" comes across pretty clueless. Not to take away anything from people who *have* had bad experiences with Narcs, but I'd think twice before condemning them off-hand as the most evil people in the world just so you can cope with your own bad behavior and choices. There is more to it.
I have ADHD; after watching this, it comes to reason that life would be tough if I had an OC narcissist as a parent. With all that precision, I get the impression they would want me locked away in some kind of institution. Unfortunately, without medication, it's difficult to think coherently and get much done. Having an OC narcissist as a parent sounds like a daunting prospect.
This is a lot like my mother, but she is definitely more about needing to be seen as morally perfect, more so than intellectually. My late father did have the "needing to have the last word" aspect, but she will use silence and invalidation instead, which is actually much harder to deal with. She controls situations, and none of my extended family on her side will tell me even basic information any more, such as the names of my cousins' spouses or partners, who had kids and their names and ages, etc - normal details. My brother will also only give me an email address and communicate through her, even though we are very much adults. The whole situation has come to revolve around her. I have ended up with OCD and Borderline traits myself, as well as depression, anxiety, and other MH issues, and it seems that my mother's NPD has been a factor - not that I am in a position to diagnose her, but I feel I've lived through a crazy, extreme situation, and ended up drawn to other toxic situations, as a result. There is no logical reason why I am cut out of my wider family, and particularly my own and younger generations of my extended family, or why I have been treated as though I am a security risk. I have never been given credit for any of my life achievements, which is hurtful, and intentionally so. My husband's side of the family are even worse, but that's an entire can of worms. I know this is a rambling comment, but anyway, your videos, such as this, do help me to gain insight, for sure - so thank you. 😃👍💖
My roommate has been professionally diagnosed and it’s incredibly hard to deal with. I am starting to realize he is a textbook definition. It is hard to take him in public because he will belittle people and tell them they are wrong over basic disagreements. From a roommate standpoint I will buy an item, he will buy the same item but better and more expensive point out xyz why I should have bought the same item he bought. If I cook something, he will the next day make the same exact dish I made but claim that he found a “better recipe”. He becomes obsessed with hobbies like finance, gym, diet and tell everyone he is the best at all of these things but when someone else accomplishes goals in those hobbies a better career, purchase of a home or peek physical shape he snaps and says things like “well I wouldn’t want to buy a home anyway!” Or “the gym is a waste of time and a scam!, I am in peek physical shape without it anyway!” And then spirals into these manic episodes about not being the best, “why can’t I just own a home, why can’t I just be Rich, I am smarter than everyone.”
One of our repeating topics: smart phone use. "Could you please put your phone away when we're having dinner with the kids? You can continue your chat later." - "I'm not chatting. I'm playing candy crush." Next time: "Could you please continue playing candy crush later? we're trying to plan the weekend." - "I'm not playing. I'm chatting with X!" Later: "Could you please stop playing, chatting, watching videos, whatever? We're trying to ." - "You don't even know what I'm doing!" - "No and it doesn't matter. We agreed to reduce phone use during family times." - "" Alone to get heard I had to know precisely what she was doing. And if (seldom) I did (or just guessed right) something else was wrong with that. Felt like discussing with a small child. 🙄
Is it common to see people who grew up with a parent like this take on some of these same traits and behaviors, but only around that parent? I notice myself being very defensive and stubborn with my dad because he always has to be right, but I'm not like this with other people in my life. With others I'm more likely to doubt myself and agree with them, often in order to avoid conflict.
Thanks so much Dr. Grande for explaining this. I learned so much. If only the people I observe with this disorder would recognize it and learn. You put a lot of "meat" in a short talk. Thank you again!
I’ve noticed that their attention to detail and quest for perfection actually inhibits their productivity because they rarely finish things. Since you know, perfection is unattainable
I worked under one for 3 years and literally lost my sense of self and confidence... He was so good at covering his bases that even if you found something to call him out on, he'd leverage some past mistake or small issue with you that he's held on to just to negate his opportunity. As soon as I'd beat him in any proverbial chess match, he was sure to remind me that he was my boss and It didnt matter what I thought cause I'd have to follow his orders regardless... I fell into such an intense depression and am still recovering from it
I have been working under an OCD narcissist for five years and first started learning about narcissism 9 months ago. I was outperforming him before he became manager, and it was like a switch flipped the day he was promoted. He ended up triangulating around me, removing me from my relationships with clients and colleagues, and placed himself as the middleman. I began Grey Rocking him, and it at least reduced the frequency of his attacks, but I definitely feel traumatized. They are such a manipulative and exhausting personality. I have been applying for new jobs. He has pushed out the majority of competent people.
having NOCPD must be a special kind of hell. not only do you demand it of yourself to be something impossible because of the OCPD, you'll never be able to achieve anything truly meaningful because the NPD prevents self-reflection, recognizing and accepting faults so that they might be corrected, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, etc etc perfect is the enemy of good
My mom in a nutshell. She'd have screaming fits over finding a single hair on the floor after cleaning, or drops of water left on the sink counter. She would call me disgusting and dirty and smelly, and she's the reason why I'm a clean freak today.
lived with an OcPd Narcissist for 7 years .Whew , glad it’s over . Adding Perfectionism to this mix was a terrible ride . I am so happy to say there is life after dealing with these people . They are Psycho . Impossible , need adoration , need to be right always . most annoying horrible humans on Earth . Thankfully there’s hope if we get away and never e er look back
Thank you so much for this video. It has helped me understand so much. 🙏 I'd love to know if there is a way of helping minimise the impact on their kids? Thank so you much 🙏
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The obsessive compulsive narcissist is an exhausting person to live with. Thank you so much for this information! You really covered a lot of information, and I appreciate everything you teach us!!!!
I figure alot of people get drawn into these relationships because it started out by thinking that they were the ones to have the problems. Or the congenital connection to say the least.
Yes they are! The person who is supposed to be in the number one spot to love and support is instead someone who who come to cringe and as soon as their car pulls up.
What about somebody who's like that but is aware of it?
Beyond exhausting
yes especially when you treat them wrong
I wonder how many people watching are thinking, “Dear God, this sounds like my wife or husband”? God bless ya.
Me. 😕
Sounds like my ex husband. My therapist definitely thinks he's a narcissist, but many of the topics in this video are more specific. I'm still trying to heal from the trauma.
or my sister
@@danakscully64 Hope it all gets better for you. One day at a time, I guess. ❤
My mother is an oc histrionic. Fun times
This is my father exactly. As a child he would argue the smallest details with me and would whip out his phone saying "you just wait, I'm right." then would find a super super minor detail that I got wrong in or something that would prove me wrong and would call it a win for himself. He did this everywhere. At the dinner table, out with friends, it constantly felt like he was trying to humiliate me for his own gain. I grew a lot of resentment towards him because he always got his way and I never did as a child. If I really was looking forward to going somewhere my dad would throw a fit and my mother always gave in to what he wanted. If he didn't get his way and still to this day he has outbursts and rages like a toddler, flailing his arms, stamping on the ground, screaming red in the face over the tiniest of set offs for him.
You couldn't even change a light bulb without him freaking out because he didn't know how you did it without him or get his permission first, rules apply to my mother as well. Living with him is hell to say the least. He will ignore and stalk you at the same time, depending on his mood for the day. He has zero boundaries and also has been told by multiple people that he has OCD but is in complete denial of it. The emotional abuse that man has put me thru has been a total mindfuck and I hope no one has to live or have someone related to them with this personality disorder.
I always felt like my father was a ghost.
Their bullies, and act like little kids and love to be very competitive, where think they can win in any situation..I married one of this type of person
Mindfuck indeed! Sorry to hear you went through that.
Me, too. My Dad rages over the smallest thing. I'm his servant...he's 91...and he never says thank you when I help him because that's beneath him and I'm the lowly daughter. He's sarcastic, condescending, scrutinizing and cold. I can ask him if he wants something to eat and he'll turn it into an opportunity to chastise me for not already knowing/intuiting he's not hungry. He gets mad if I have to ask him what he wants because I should already know without asking. When he gets up in the morning, I brace myself wondering what part of the rollercoaster he will be on that day. He will be cutting in his speech and, when I call him out on it and get mad, he sulks and plays the victim. Then, after a few days, he's back to the same pattern all over again and being mean. He's controlling and everything is about him. If I do 99 things right and one thing wrong, he focuses on that one thing I did wrong and tells me how I "screwed up.". He's pulled his fist back at me more than once, called me cuss words, called me stupid, a liar and worse. He is at end of life so I pray a lot while taking care of him...I also walk three miles a day to deal with the stress and listen to prayers while I walk...it really helps and gives me strength. But the stress is overwhelming and my coping is corroding. I take breaks but the virus limits me and, when I'm back around him, it's just more of the same. Thank you, Dr. Grande, for your videos. They help a lot.
Oh my, how I know what you are talking about. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. It is like you would describe my dad! Growing up was a horror! With all his screaming tantrums, silent treatments and hours long interrogations about why I got the second best mark in the school and not the best. I was not allowed to go out with friends, I had an exact time to go to bad, I was not allowed to use my laptop in a bad and millions of other rules... it was so confusing and super isolating experience since my peers and other adults usually saw mistake in me not rebelling enough... I always thought I would like to see them on my place. Many thanks to doctor Grande for shading a light on this particular type of narcissism!
The light bulb… that’s my sister.
“There’s no room to be human” I’ve literally said this to an OCNarc. Anything sets them off especially not having the same precision as them. Like Dr. Grande said, everything is great but they’ll focus in on that one minuscule thing and I mean THEE TINEST THING that isn’t and then continue magnifying it and finding other things like it to give reason as to why they are “superior”. It’s sad that they live their lives this way... and the people who come in contact with them and mistake this behavior for love, care, friendship etc. It’s not. Leave as safely as possible.
*tiniest
I invited a narcissistic lady to live with me after dating less than six months. My brother had ALS, and I needed someone to hold down the fort while I helped my brother, sleeping at my Mom's house several times a week, every other day so my Mom and Sister could get a rest. She turned into a demon as soon as she drank, and when I called her out on it, playing back a video tape of her ranting and cussing, hitting me, she said she'd tell the cops I raped her, she would have the evidence in her. Wow. From that moment, it took me almost four months to get her to leave without getting falsely arrested for rape by someone with no compunction about bearing false witness. I had trouble trusting people, already, and this was a real eye opener, that many do not react in kind to love. They are not feeling what we feel. They think life is a zero sum game.
@@Squidlark Wow. I see we have an OCD Narc here correcting typos. Bye!
What does OxyContin and a cop have to do with anything?
what you are describing can be just OCD, not to make them feel superior
God help the one who marries someone like this...
That would be me 😥
At least there's a chance to leave. If your parent seems to be one, well, you're stuffed.
This is my ex. I tried to leave twice, what finally worked was leaving without a word (all the words had already been said) and then politely acting like I didn't know who he was when he tried to make a public confrontation, as he had in the past. In the past, I ignored his calls and texts but I'd get sucked in when he confronted me in a public place. I'd be embarrassed, and allow myself to be manipulated into a private meeting. The last time, I let him rant, looking confused, interjecting 'I'm sorry, who are you again?' and asking him to spell his name. Don't do this if the person is physically violent.
@@lauriLokkeni9002 get help. Nothing ever changes until you change. Best wishes.
@@jannettb7930 Last sentence should be first. Good luck.
I have someone in my life with these characteristics (unfortunate, yes). What is more unfortunate is that I realize I have been picking up on some of these characteristics myself (possibly as a self-defense?), and I have noticed other people around this person have done the same. I would be interested in hearing about how others' disordered thinking can become ingrained in your own, particularly when it comes to narcissistic behavior.
This is interesting. Witnessed a similar phenomenon and I’d wager to say there’s some truth to what you said above
It’s scary but I am also a victim
Yeah the days I work with this person I noticed I kind of mimick some of his "talking circles" 😮. I was thinking today, I don't want to be here much longer "absorbing" this stuff. Must be why he has been divorced three times.
This is an excellent description without the emotionality of many other therapists description,which is much appreciated.Thank you so much
I just stopped dating someone who had many of these traits. It was too exhausting when I also have my own mental health issues to deal with.
Great eye-opening video 🙂
Sounds like a hellish existence for anyone who lives with them.
It really is, I live with an idiot step dad with both of those things. He has gotten so much in a dazzle to get me to meetings, appointments, etc., to the point where he has almost ran my foot over dropping me off so he wouldnt be late, or driving when I haven't even my seatbelt on. Sometimes hes even started moving the car before I've even gotten in it.
False...
It is torture for my family member at times yes. I can get so frustrated with interaction with this person. In the end it has been a sad way to live so far.
@@complexsonicz9239 I can relate
I have been trying to figure somebody out and wondering why I felt emotionally disregulated around them and with this particular condition I find that they vacillate between both subtypes the aggressive and the fawning and that would explain why I felt the human magnet syndrome in motion.,.. I would do something nice for them and they would hate me for it or get mad at me and that breaks my heart. The real sad part is is that here in Bay county, every time I try to date they have an element of narcissism so I can't date at all everybody has a personality disorder here
My mother exactly... it’s incredibly frustrating having a narcissist mother with ocd. I also believe narcissist with ocd personality traits are highly aggressive. Great video
I'm sorry you have to live with that.
Same here. Very aggressive behind closed doors or if something is out of her control. It’s literally the worst thing to live with.
My mom too 🙃 but she is also a medical professional so she’s aware enough to know which ones to hide (unless she’s SUPER triggered by something) so that she isn’t called a narcissist….
They definitely are aggressive
@@sarah29880 yup sounds like my father and exs 😢
Omg “There is no room for being human.” sounds soooo much like my ex! This whole video describes him completely. Every conversation was a battle of who knows more; everything I did was criticized. He always knew more than me. Yet he always quoted this to me, “The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing.” RIGHT.
This describes my mother perfectly. I realise that parts of this video also describe me. I think I have some narcissistic traits because I was raised by my totally narcissistic mother. She has influenced me. The difference between us is that I don't think I'm perfect and I realise when my actions hurt others. I've changed so much for the better since moving out from under her roof.
I wish you all the best. Getting distance from toxic people can be the healthiest decision you ever make.
I relate to this very hard!
...but do you go ask forgiveness of the people you've hurt? This would be a true sign of self-awareness
You're striking a good balance of content, Dr G.
And he's really nice on the eyes... 👀
this is super interesting!! people talk a lot about comorbidity with personality disorders but i rarely see it fleshed out like this,,
This explains a lot. I grew up with ADD in the 60’s when there was not very much help in any of these areas. I still have “ pay attention!” Ringing In my ears, among other things. Now Having someone in my life who is so “perfect” and smart and diagnosed OCD opens up all these wounds. At least now I have a better understanding
Wow, I can only imagine all of the energy necessary to keep the OC Narcissist's house of cards from tumbling over. I'm sure the whole dynamic is extremely taxing to them.
Sounds like they wouldn't be the same without it. ✌
Worse for the little sister who mom assigned to “ mother’ the Narcisist
Yes it is. I'm the partner of one of these people. I'm exhaustedl.😢
Dr. Grande, you have untangled Narcissism in such a profound way, this video is excellent! I can’t wait to read your book. 🙂📚❤️
This helped me to understand how my ex could never be happy or appreciative with anything, but rather, would obsessively hone in on one tiny and often illogical thing (a past event, something he felt he was being slighted for, etc) COMPLETELY dismissing/not even mentioning or appreciating all of the many positive things or all of the caring and giving things I would do for him, and just make a situation/conversation/me so miserable by going on and on about it ad naseum, being accusatory and critical while doing so. I am so glad I left. These people will destroy your life if you stay with them.
True...illogical ....
That combination sounds incredibly exhausting to be around day-in and day-out.
it is :/
You have no idea...
“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.”
― Markus Herz
Lol 🤣
LOL! 🤣
I live with one at the moment. Try having ADD/ADHD and living with a obsessive narcissist they’ll try to make you feel bad about what you can’t even help doing
Are you on aderrall or another med cuz without them I am seriously useless, it got much worse after trauma. If I stop taking them i turn into a couch-log for days. I keep meeting unmedicated adults and its crazy when these pills work so well.
@@overimagination2812 self medicate on methedrine not for everybody though and it is illegal
@@overimagination2812 and actually I think right now it's probably cheaper from my medicine then it is yours go figure but like I said you don't got to worry about going to jail copping your medicine. Without it I can't even form of thought I can't even think about getting out of bed I can't even think about...... about anyting it hurts to think I'm confused muddled it's horrible a horrible mess it should be noted that I don't smoke it or any of that shit I take it orally. Been at it for 30 years though and the rare occasion that I do run dry I am like you said totally and completely devoid of any kind of ambition to take the next breath I am completely. The way I look at it as whatever it takes to get you through another day within reason of course
I have ADHD; I was just thinking how difficult life would be if I had an Obsessive-Compulsive Narcissist parent. With all that precision, I get the impression they would want me locked away in some kind of institution.
Oh my God! I'm in the same situation! 😧
I was married to that exact guy for 21 years. I guess you will have to do a show on Gluttons for Punishment.
Thanks for this vodeo Dr. Grande. I have featires of OCPD and just started back with therapy to work on some of my cognitive distortions. I can relate with the OC Narcissist. I do have a healthy relationship, so I dont think I am a severe example, but it is my tendency to always see the negative, alienate people, need to be the smartest in the room, and impose my level of organization on others. Thanks for helping me understand these disorders so I can progress in my therapy.
Thanks for your incredibly honest reply and all the best wishes for your therapy. Nobody chooses to have personality disorders, I have a bunch of them myself. It is painful to see them discovered in a negative fashion. Keep up the good work!
You dont have to be a narc to have ocd.
This eerily describes my ex. With the support of all of my children, finally walked away from a forty year relationship, a thirty four year marriage!
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse... thanks for another great video Dr Grande
Exactly my thoughts.
i just wanted to say I have watched a few of your older videos this week and must say you have come a long way in getting comfortable in front of the camera. thanks for all the great videos even if I don't comment every time.
Me too!
I like the added humor!
One of the best things about videos on narcissism, especially from someone like Dr. Grande, is being aware enough to recognize if YOU are exhibiting those symptoms (or close to it). I find myself having to think of myself as much as my ex-narc to make sure I'm not part of the problem. (Thankfully I'm not a narc, lol, though at times I see where I might be guilty of perpetrating some actions but not in an intentional and malicious way.) ;}
Thank you, Dr. Grande for caring so much about even these seemingly off-the-wall questions your subscribers are asking. We appreciate you!
You mean there is something even worse than the ol’ garden variety narcissist??? 😳 Thanks for the knowledge Dr. Grande, enjoyed your video. 👍
This is so well done, doctor... 💚 Yes, I enjoyed it and moreover it describes my experiences very well. 🙂 I see the unwilingness to compromise, so that there just can exist a loser and a winner in the end, as the core of such interpersonal experiences. It turns relationships into a form of earthly hell. I think, this type of person instinctually checks the power balance at the very beginning - and when they see it as favourable to them, the fun begins. And yes, lack of precision is a great topic in these relationships, too. 'Right' and 'wrong' are key words. And yes, it is fundamentally irritating to oneself. Dangerous without appealing at first glance as such. Thank you so much and have a fine day. ✨
Thank you doctor 🥀
You know my mother more than I can even describe her.
Her gaslighting game is STRONG
Oh wow, this was greatly informative for me! I have never before heard of such a concept of an Obsessive-Compulsive Narcissist yet this has really hit many, many points which I know from my personal experiences. This explained so much more to the behaviour and thoughts of those around me, of which I am already well aware they are to be highly dangerous on the spectrum of narcissism itself, of course I cannot and would not clinically diagnose such persons, but hearing this added a greater depth to explain an exceeding precision of those whom I can identify as such, with this additional set of characteristics. Thank you Dr Grande, this was very helpful.
Fantastic insight Dr. Grande! Like many of us, I've binged-watched my fair share on narcissism related content. This was a very new and fresh angle to look at this personality trait and helped clear up so many gray areas, thank you so much!
That's it Dr Grande, I'm putting you on my Christmas card list!!
Thank you for working so hard to inform and enlighten!!😊
My mother is a combination of OC and Vulnerable Narcissist.
Growing up, I had a 30 minute “curfew” as soon as the school day ended. That was time I had to spend rushing home to avoid my mother yelling at me, demanding to know what “trouble” I had getting myself into. This timeframe was never adjusted when I went from elementary to junior high, that was a further distance from home. During junior high, riding my bike home as fast as I could would result in me getting home 35 minutes after school ended, upon which I would receive my mother’s interrogations. When I tried to explain to her that my junior high was further away than my elementary school, my mother insisted distance had no relevancy in how much time it took for me to arrive home. Um...laws of physics much, Mother?
I am sad to say I see myself in this a lot. However a former friend of mine topped that so hard.
The friendship felt like a war, actio-reactio until I lost every possible "battle".
I think you could add always saying 100% the truth to the list. Otherwise a perfect achievement is not convincing, neither for the Narcissist nor for others.
This was SUCH a spot on explanation!! Thank you for covering even the most specific disorders and doing such a good job at it, you have made my quarantine very educational, I am going to apply everything you taught me to real life. YOU A REAL ONE DR GRANDE!!
I shared your channel with my wife! It's the best, most detailed, & professional I have seen on RUclips! Thank you! 👍🏾❤️
This sounds exactly like my mother. And let me tell you, not a day goes by that I don’t feel resentment knowing most of my life has been wasted because I’ve enabled her behavior. I always dream of the day I’ll be free. I hope it actually comes.
I read this in Psychology Today, it totally makes sense: "Narcissists grew up in homes where admitting being at fault led to being "devalued". If they admit that they were wrong and believe it, they are likely to turn their overly harshly and punitive internal “judge” on themselves and feel unbearable shame and sink into a self-hating depression. Naturally, they would rather blame you!" They live in constant anxiety "I must be perfect, I don't need anybody because if I get attached I get hurt. It's due to avoidant attachment (trauma) formed in childhood. Not saying you should stay in such a relationship and suffer. Never accept any long-term form of abuse they give you... you have only one life to live. They are like boxers in the ring that don't stop punching you because they can't see that you are being hurt when they are in their rage... they can switch "off" their sense for empathy (i.e. object constancy) for you whenever they feel vulnerable. They can't hold a negative emotion for too long because it forces them to admit they were wrong (if I admit that I was wrong, I will be punished for this) so they project it onto you by blaming you. That way they can get instantly rid of the negative emotion that is potentially traumatizing to them. They are deeply wounded individuals and many of them stay alone forever... unless they fool you into marriage or having kids. Yeah, they win the battle but lose the war. Divorcing them is a messy process, they will fight. They only wake up after their whole life falls apart but many of them don't recover fully just get milder in their actions.
Agreed!
Good morning doc. As always great video. I love all the nuances you cover in your examples it really gives good insight on how to understand this behavior.
Thank you
Very interesting topic.
A friend once picked up from Phil McGraw that people who are late for appointments are narcissistic. They reminded me of that for years. They always hated that I called him an Oprah endorsed Jerry Springer.
Listening to real unbiased information from a calm empathetic voice has been a huge help. I've been able to help others too by saying some of the things I've heard or thought about while watching your channel.
It's helpful to understand how conditions present together, and you have a talent for explaining things. I have a lot to learn. OCD is hard to understand and like Autism and PTSD there's a lot of different information available.
A lot to think about in today's and this week's content. Needs to be watched multiple times, and the more I learn the more I see I need to learn. Good encouragement to keep watching.
I've been divorced for 9 months but I got an instant headache and a creepy deja-vu listening to this explanation of the ex! Exactly his behaviours! Uncanny wrap-up but thank you for the clinical statements that validated my feelings about his warped experience of being alive.
Thank you Dr Grande. I have never seen this topic covered before and really enjoyed it. It explains and gives insight into the very bizarre behaviour I once experienced while buying goods from a small business, who would not accept the goods were unsuitable for me to the point of police involvement as they would not stop harassing me to make a purchase/say the goods were perfect for everyone.
God have mercy on whoever was tricked into marrying someone like this.
Me
God have mercy on the child of someone like this.
@@sixthsenseamelia4695 that too. I've seen a few & their lives are a mess.
And oh my sibling- he got ten out of TEn- and it is not my fault he’s my sibling.
My father is like this and I love him.
Thank you Dr. Grande! Just compulsively hit the like button ~ have a great friend who has a brother with OCD but he seems like the most successful and smartest one on the block in a big way: the most decorated nano specialist according to Wiki, but married an 18 year old who wanted to go to Disneyland for their honeymoon (he fitted it in with the Greek Island tour). It flipped out some highly intelligent women who dated him, but he told close friends he saw smart people all day and needed a change at night. She is very pretty and dresses very well, always wears holiday clothing, Chinese New Year's outfits, etc. He really has a lot of the mad scientist traits and his parents were happy when he married because it normalized him, before that he was living on a boat in Marin, which sounds romantic and most likely was, but in reality it was a cold unheated boat, but had a fun band that played in amazing places, like outdoors on floating stages in Vienna, etc. Highly exotic. His brother is dyslexic and felt slightly overshadowed but he is the one who is great at knowing what people need, his heart is huge, he is always bringing dinner to his parents, caring for his loved ones, whereas the other drops the ball in that area in odd ways sometimes. Wow, sorry about writing something so long, but this is such an interesting topic, because OCD can play a part in very important work that maybe not all are suited to. Thnx so much for all of your in depth vids, they are so helpful to so many.
This was great! Normally, I get halfway through a lengthy post and zzzzz Confession: I am a psychotherapist and dated a narcissist woth OCD. Not for long, but he was intense and intriguing.
Raw Olympia Now I want to meet these people lol... I can relate to the see smart people all day thing but the whole thing but the 18 year old made me think I don’t think this guy has got it quite the same way I see it, I know heart is the most important thing but combined with wisdom and experience . Something like that.
@@peggygenoway thnx! your OCD person sounds intriguing as well!
It sounds like it's you
Some of the traits you have mentioned here deeply resonate with some of my behaviors, and I would not be surprised if I was on this spectrum. I have always attributed this to abuse during my teenage years. I have also observed in the stories of others’, who seem to exhibit narcissistic traits, that bullying/abuse seems to be a common trigger. I’ve never been diagnosed for anything, but I am acutely aware of certain traits that can and had been toxic (mostly to myself, not others).
this perfectly describes my father who also fits with paranoid personality disorder
Dr. Grande, you are amazing and things are now so clear to me. I was raised by a narcissistic OC father who destroyed our entire family in many ways. Your assessments and playlists are better than any therapy I could possibly seek. THANK YOU!!!
Thank you soooooo much for this video!! It has made things more clear for me and will help in my recovery as an OCPD
Narcissist survivor!
Many of your signs describe my grandma who just passed away in April EXACTLY!!
Also, your video on the Narcissist Mother and Daughter relationships was right on point! There were lots of similarities with the first two types!
My manager is OCD and narcissistic. His need for dominance actually slows everything down, and he is myopically focused on appearances, and seems incapable of putting service first. He targets and devalues the most talented people in the office, and will turn any request for compromise into an act of disobedience and attack the person's character. He is really good at pretending to be nice until he feels like he can get away with triangulating and devaluing others. Grey Rocking has been the only thing that has reduced his attacks.
My father is an OC narcissist..treats my mother like a queen but with me, *completely* different story..it's taken a *very* *very* long time to forgive him and work through it..he only put value on me AFTER other's did but the damage was already done..as an adult, I would become infuriated at any affection he provided (mainly superficial) and would lash out at him..there was zero, *ZERO* room for error throughout my entire life..he *NEVER* let anything go, EVER, reminding on a daily basis of everything he deemed my fault..EVERYTHING was my fault, for example, even blaming me for his cussing..saying if I didn't exist that problem wouldn't..anything he deemed bad always went back to how it made him look..he emotionally abused me everyday of my life growing up, mixed with a bit of physical abuse at times..he has said things that I will never repeat because regardless, I love him..he has been given MANY prestigious awards, including "man of the year", through various groups..I heard over and over again from people he coached, taught and mentored, that I was the luckiest person on Earth for having him as a father..I would either stay silent or if it was a particular stressful moment, I would say "you can have him!!" I paid for every mistake my other siblings made (which to-date I never repeated) and it was almost like he resented my entire existence..he wanted a boy after 2 daughters and I was a girl..he ALWAYS hugged my friends and literally never me..he was completely affectionate towards his grandchildren, great grandchildren, and still is..he's never told me he loves me, doesn't acknowledge my bday, ever and yet I still do these things for him..again, I have forgiven him and in studying behavioral psychology, understand WHAT he truly is..in forgiving him I know the burden is not on me and ultimately he will have to answer for his transgressions..I will not allow for him to live rent free in my head, filling me with bitterness..I did that for waaaaay too long..my love will ALWAYS outshine his past hate..I really really appreciate this video!! Thank you for backing up your explanations and maybe someone out there, like me, will see their situation in a different light..maybe it'll help someone work through their pain..I wish I had had someone line this out when I was a child..maybe it can save them from suicidal thoughts, drugs, catatonic depression and feelings of self worth..something I was not spared of..thank you for your work!! Can't imagine how many other's your work helps =) God bless 💜💜💜
Absolutely no room for mistakes. Got that right.
Yay, another video about narcissism! I love those from you :)
Which explains how we all get ourselves into trouble doesn't it lol...
Throughout your video, my comments are, oh my God, oh my God, this is my boyfriend. I know he is a narcissist but after viewing your video, I know what kind and to what extent. Everything you said is spot on. Gaslighting is another trait but I think you mentioned that but in a different way. So scary and sad and exhausting to be in a "relationship" with someone like this. Thank you so much for this video!
I'm a psychotherapist. Very much enjoying your videos and using them to help some of my clients. Great job all around!
So interesting. Thank you for providing this information. ♥️
This was GOLD! This is very good description of myself! Haha
"Welcome to the OC Corporation - More Narcissistic Than Narcissistic is our motto..."
Good one!🤣
Thank you Dr Grande. Always food for thought!
🐛📚🦋
Oh boy! One about ME ME ME, finally! All this talk about others is so boring. ME!!!!!
@Josh Belcher Josh, that portrait of me is amazingly accurate. The beady black two-dimensional eyes, the pallor of liver failure due to frequent Ketel One consumption, the sleepy eyes from the "medical" cannabis. Thank you.
Tremendously well done. Suggestion: the sadistic antisocial narcissist.
No ppl
The devil is in the details.
As always...great video! Dr. Grande could you do a video on the phenomenon of "mid life crisis"? It would be interesting to hear your insights on this.
Very good video, doc! Really, this one seemed particularly well made. Good examples. Do you believe the OC traits would make a tendency to more grandiosity or vulnerability in a narcissistic person?
A new subscriber. Very detailed and informative topic. I would have never guessed that OCD and narcissism character traits can overlap with each other but I can definitely see this being possible as my current partner has pretty much exhibited everyone last one of these traits on a daily basis. 😫
How about OCD and PTSD in combination?
That's me. Probably. Haven't been diagnosed yet, though.
I’m curious what you perceive self esteem to be and how it ties in with well being and development.
@k b and you believe him?
Avalanche I didn’t know Jordan was Jewish lol
Avalanche I also don’t see how his race would affect anything lol
I'm asking because I care, Dr. Grande, but are you feeling ok? The top button of your shirt is agape! In all seriousness, you're a big part of why I decided to reign my diagnoses in and continue my education. I truly appreciate your insight and impartiality.
hey dr. grande, could you maybe do a video on the personality disorders that are no longer stated in the dsm / personality disorder not otherwise specified? i remember reading about 'depressive personality disorder, sadistic pd, self-defeating pd and passive-aggressive pd'. i'd be interested to learn more about pdnos, symptoms and why these are no longer classed as personality disorders. thanks!
This is a great video, Dr.Grande. This really explains a lot.... Thank you!
I appreciate the examples you give, which are not in the DSM of course. I think there is a little bit of this personality type in everyone when having a stressful life, for control.
If we don't know what OCDP is, then maybe we have some of if ourselves, no? I didn't understand OCPD until I met someone later in life who was so over the top that I finally realized what narcissism was. But, before that, I just assumed most people operated within a parameter of fairness, just as i believed I did. isn't that Narcissism on my part, to believe a general level of fairness exists in everyone I meet? If we don't recognize narcissism early on in a relationship, isn't it because we were focused on what was making us happy first, rather than what mattered most in the relationship? Isn't that a form of Narcissism?
I have a bit of narcissism as well. I am going through a period of insane sleep deprivation because I obsess over the fact that I am not in control of my sleep. I wake up so many times and I don’t know why and it frustrates me that I cannot sleep. The more one thinks and wants sleep the more one doesn’t get it. Insomnia has caused a lot of mental problems for me but I’m not sure if my mental problems caused my insomnia. Then I am also obsessed with loosing my intelligence from the insomnia because I am obsessed with philosophy and knowledge and it frustrates me how dependent on sleep humans are. I wish I could never sleep. Sleep deprivation causes you to feel like you are loosing yourself when you loose your abilities. I lost my musical talent and my abstract thinking. Now I’m just a crazy idiot who cannot sleep. And why do I care about my intelligence and my creativity so much? Because I’m a narcissist that just wants to show off at times. But I truly did love making music and now that I can’t I am sad and depressed. All because of an obsession with sleep. But, what I am trying to say is that I think that we all have a bit of narcissism like you said because we all want what makes us happy. Some more than others. Some think about themselves more than others. I just hate how extreme insomnia can bring out the worst traits in a person and then have me worry that I’m loosing my mind or question what mental problems I do have. All I’m saying is that I’m a mess and obsessing sucks ass. I’m sorry if I sound crazy
I didnt give you permission to make a video about me, Dr Grande.
Definately the impeccable type...
You need to contact a good attorney, preferably one who advertises on TV.
Dr Grande This was unique. You've detailed the detailing narcissist. I'm wondering how this development; does it veer off from OCD or "generic" narcissism? Is there a predictable age or event motivating this level of narcissism? Has anyone researched a crossover between Asperger's and OCD narcissism? Your video has explained the peculiar irritations I've experienced, and although I'm not qualified to make a professional diagnosis, anecdotal evidence exists. Ty
Emily Although it is possible for people to have more than on condition, of course, Aspergers is not a mental health condition, it is a developmental disability characterised by a lower nodal neuronal connectivity and higher regional connectivity. While the person with Aspergers may appear to show similar symptoms, being rigid in habits and having restricted interests, there is not the drive to dominate the other person for personal gratification. Being awkward and rigid in habit, or being concerned with getting something exactly right is not the same as trying to belittle others for pleasure. Of course, people with autism absolutely can have mental health issues as well and most have high levels of anxiety. An important distinction is that autistic people are rigid because they don’t understand what is happening socially. They often believe that conversation is for exchanging information, and therefore are upset if the information is not correct. The narcissist is highly capable socially and is deliberately being demeaning in order to gratify their ego.
I've wondered this myself.
I hope Dr. Grande does an assessment of Borderline Personality Disorders and their comorbidities.
I like how these type of videos have comments sections full of people self-congratulating themselves about not being Narcs and who are always talking about this or that "evil bastard" in their lives, but generally nobody seems to ever look at their own responsibility in their relationships nor do they seem to consider how they may very well be Narcissistic themselves. We live in a world full of Narc personalities so these comment sections come across to me like a ton of smug "Narc survivors" projecting and projecting endlessly (hating in others what you see in yourself) Remember: you attract what you are to a large extent, so if you attract fucked up people, guess what? The Narc personality has recently become some sort of public enemy #1 in the collective conscious and they make for a somewhat easy target for these unaware lynch mobs who seem to have a very limited understanding of how much the Narc personality is a product of various traumas and not just the result of a big ego for its own sake. "It's not me, it's the Narc in my life" comes across pretty clueless. Not to take away anything from people who *have* had bad experiences with Narcs, but I'd think twice before condemning them off-hand as the most evil people in the world just so you can cope with your own bad behavior and choices. There is more to it.
I have ADHD; after watching this, it comes to reason that life would be tough if I had an OC narcissist as a parent. With all that precision, I get the impression they would want me locked away in some kind of institution. Unfortunately, without medication, it's difficult to think coherently and get much done. Having an OC narcissist as a parent sounds like a daunting prospect.
This is my MIL and it’s terribly exhausting being around her. Soul crushing
Mine too. As time went on I had the sinking realization that the son of her's I married is very much like her.
julie wolf 😞
Thanks for these types of videos too, i know people love famous killers or whatever (me too) but it's good to talk about mental health as its own.
It's pure suffering having this. Sad how the human creature has to suffer so much.
Jesus helped me much. Gave me another identity
They are not stuffing !!!! They hurt those around them
This is a lot like my mother, but she is definitely more about needing to be seen as morally perfect, more so than intellectually. My late father did have the "needing to have the last word" aspect, but she will use silence and invalidation instead, which is actually much harder to deal with. She controls situations, and none of my extended family on her side will tell me even basic information any more, such as the names of my cousins' spouses or partners, who had kids and their names and ages, etc - normal details. My brother will also only give me an email address and communicate through her, even though we are very much adults. The whole situation has come to revolve around her. I have ended up with OCD and Borderline traits myself, as well as depression, anxiety, and other MH issues, and it seems that my mother's NPD has been a factor - not that I am in a position to diagnose her, but I feel I've lived through a crazy, extreme situation, and ended up drawn to other toxic situations, as a result. There is no logical reason why I am cut out of my wider family, and particularly my own and younger generations of my extended family, or why I have been treated as though I am a security risk. I have never been given credit for any of my life achievements, which is hurtful, and intentionally so. My husband's side of the family are even worse, but that's an entire can of worms. I know this is a rambling comment, but anyway, your videos, such as this, do help me to gain insight, for sure - so thank you. 😃👍💖
My husband had those traits.. I dont remember him admitting any mistake. Still I dont think he is full narcissist, he did some nice things for me.
Thank you. I will seek help for that I have caused so much misery.
Thank you for such an in depth video, fascinating.
My roommate has been professionally diagnosed and it’s incredibly hard to deal with. I am starting to realize he is a textbook definition. It is hard to take him in public because he will belittle people and tell them they are wrong over basic disagreements. From a roommate standpoint I will buy an item, he will buy the same item but better and more expensive point out xyz why I should have bought the same item he bought. If I cook something, he will the next day make the same exact dish I made but claim that he found a “better recipe”. He becomes obsessed with hobbies like finance, gym, diet and tell everyone he is the best at all of these things but when someone else accomplishes goals in those hobbies a better career, purchase of a home or peek physical shape he snaps and says things like “well I wouldn’t want to buy a home anyway!” Or “the gym is a waste of time and a scam!, I am in peek physical shape without it anyway!” And then spirals into these manic episodes about not being the best, “why can’t I just own a home, why can’t I just be Rich, I am smarter than everyone.”
One of our repeating topics: smart phone use. "Could you please put your phone away when we're having dinner with the kids? You can continue your chat later." - "I'm not chatting. I'm playing candy crush."
Next time: "Could you please continue playing candy crush later? we're trying to plan the weekend." - "I'm not playing. I'm chatting with X!"
Later: "Could you please stop playing, chatting, watching videos, whatever? We're trying to ." - "You don't even know what I'm doing!" - "No and it doesn't matter. We agreed to reduce phone use during family times." - ""
Alone to get heard I had to know precisely what she was doing. And if (seldom) I did (or just guessed right) something else was wrong with that. Felt like discussing with a small child. 🙄
Is it common to see people who grew up with a parent like this take on some of these same traits and behaviors, but only around that parent? I notice myself being very defensive and stubborn with my dad because he always has to be right, but I'm not like this with other people in my life. With others I'm more likely to doubt myself and agree with them, often in order to avoid conflict.
❤️ Dr. Grande, thank you.
Dr. Grande, will you let us know if you have a pre-sale order for your book? I think many subscribers would be interested.
Thank you.
Yeah, here's one 😃🙌😃
Thanks so much Dr. Grande for explaining this. I learned so much. If only the people I observe with this disorder would recognize it and learn. You put a lot of "meat" in a short talk. Thank you again!
I’ve noticed that their attention to detail and quest for perfection actually inhibits their productivity because they rarely finish things. Since you know, perfection is unattainable
I worked under one for 3 years and literally lost my sense of self and confidence... He was so good at covering his bases that even if you found something to call him out on, he'd leverage some past mistake or small issue with you that he's held on to just to negate his opportunity. As soon as I'd beat him in any proverbial chess match, he was sure to remind me that he was my boss and It didnt matter what I thought cause I'd have to follow his orders regardless... I fell into such an intense depression and am still recovering from it
I have been working under an OCD narcissist for five years and first started learning about narcissism 9 months ago. I was outperforming him before he became manager, and it was like a switch flipped the day he was promoted. He ended up triangulating around me, removing me from my relationships with clients and colleagues, and placed himself as the middleman. I began Grey Rocking him, and it at least reduced the frequency of his attacks, but I definitely feel traumatized. They are such a manipulative and exhausting personality. I have been applying for new jobs. He has pushed out the majority of competent people.
having NOCPD must be a special kind of hell. not only do you demand it of yourself to be something impossible because of the OCPD, you'll never be able to achieve anything truly meaningful because the NPD prevents self-reflection, recognizing and accepting faults so that they might be corrected, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, etc etc
perfect is the enemy of good
My mom in a nutshell. She'd have screaming fits over finding a single hair on the floor after cleaning, or drops of water left on the sink counter. She would call me disgusting and dirty and smelly, and she's the reason why I'm a clean freak today.
Thank you Dr. Grande for making this video. This is very helpful.
Wow. What a difficult person this would be. I thought narcissism was bad enough, but the OC narcissist would be a terror. Run!
500k!500k! Let's get there. 🤓
I've known straight up narcissists but OCD adds a whole nother dimension to it Thanks for covering this I need to watch it again
Laura - as long as you don't watch it again, and again, exactly 17 times, because that's the correct number... :)
(edit: add smiley)
@@HandbrakeBiscuit 🌝
@@HandbrakeBiscuit 😃Lol☺
lived with an OcPd Narcissist for 7 years .Whew , glad it’s over . Adding Perfectionism to this mix was a terrible ride . I am so happy to say there is life after dealing with these people . They are Psycho . Impossible , need adoration , need to be right always . most annoying horrible humans on Earth . Thankfully there’s hope if we get away and never e er look back
Dr. Grande, I thought of a person who might be a good subject for a personality profile: the clairvoyant Edgar Cayce. ?
Edgar Cayce was an amazing individual
It would take a fair amount of time to learn enough about him.
Yes!!
Thank you so much for this video. It has helped me understand so much. 🙏 I'd love to know if there is a way of helping minimise the impact on their kids? Thank so you much 🙏