When you're with the right person, you shouldn't have intense anxiety about making a mis-step. You don't want to be someone who you feel is judgemental and makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells. Open and honest communication is definitely key for both in the relationship. If you're scared someone is going to leave you because you're not saying what they want you to say at the right time, then it's time to move on.
could just be irrational fear though. and no partner can constantly make you feel reassured all the time that its guaranteed you wont feel that. but yeah if you constantly feel like that, its definitely a sign to reevaluate.
Yeah, but... No. It's not all that simple. Some of us carry scars and damages that keep us believing we deserve the worst. And it's extremely hard to divide what's our mistake, what's our insecurity - and what is actually our partner being a bully withing the relationship. And that's just one of the examples of where this golden rule you mentioned doesn't apply that easily.
@@koralia100 I never called my comment the "golden rule". You applied that on your own. My comment was taking into account a person who has done the mental and emotional work to learn to love and respect themselves first. If they get into a relationship where the other person is making them feel judged or there is a lot of negativity, then they should be able to recognize when they aren't getting the respect they deserve. Some people like to jump into relationships without getting to a good place in their own mind, then they expect the relationship to solve their problems. Everyone should take responsibility for their own emotions and reactions. Yes, there are abusive and horrible people out there but it's up to the person to decide to leave. If they think they deserve a bad person then they are the only one who can figure out how to get out of that mindset. No matter how much help you give someone, it's ultimately up to them to learn what their own boundaries are and to gain that respect for themselves. Not everyone has a scarred and damaged life. Many people have had good lives but play along with what society wants them to believe. That they "need" another person to complete them even if that person is terrible. That is false. It's better for a person to stay single and sort themselves out first.
But also people lie and say whatever you want to hear but then don't follow through. In my experience the sensation of high anxiety is your intuition alerting you that something is off. I've been in relationships where I never felt anxious or worried and ones where I constantly felt worried and anxious.
if ure worry, insecure and anxious it means the dude/chick ure in relationship with is making u like that. yep, just like u said like when they say something but they dont follow thru (words dont match wit the actions)
I was thinking about that too. I felt extremely anxious in my last relationship -- in a completely abnormal way by my standards. Watching this video, I think I found an answer: the lack of a well-reflected and designed path for a relationship. I felt like I was in free fall the whole time, falling through the air, without ground. Today, I understand better: I didn't first design this relationship for myself -- needs, limits, etc. -- and it seems to me that neither did she. Also, she was emotionally unavailable -- and yet she offered me a relationship. Of course this is a recipe for future failure: her, a dismissive avoidant, and me, an AP. The lack of a well-outlined path causes us a lot of anxiety, because you don't know where you're going or what's under your feet -- and here comes the words without actions that avoidants usually do and we are left without understanding absolutely anything and walking on eggshells. This is something that we absolutely cannot accept as a boundary to being in a relationship, because in the long run it affects our health . Walking on eggshells is a way to lose your freedom to talk as you are and authenticity, it is not acceptable. And then, DA and AP hell begins. Lack of communication and assertiveness. Another thing I put here for us to reflect: conflicts help to redesign relationship paths. Well resolved conflicts renew and strengthen paths. And it helps with dealing with anxieties/insecurities too, because you can be vulnerable about your fears.
Being needy for constant attention essentially shows that you don't feel ok about yourself and you need constant reassurance that you're ok. It will scare off the right person and will attract a manipulative one
@@donnahampton3632 No need to stay single if you heal your self esteem and learn true self love. There's a difference between communicating your reasonable needs in a healthy way to a healthy partner and being needy which is unloading your insecurities on another. I highly recommend the works of John Bradshaw and Pete Walker
Not if both use empathy and humor..... plus the empathic one gives the other person some space for hobbies without trying to figure it out. But I guess the 20 years old dont know the same knowledge as the 30 years old.
It took time for me to understand how to communicate my wants in regard to texting, when texting becomes too much, or too little. I would have a headache trying to figure out if I should continue texting or just give some time in between.
Well from texting you don't hear the tone of voice and energy of the person. But I think maybe minimalistic texting isn't a bad thing...if you send a heart or emoticon, it will show your mood, and maybe the person feels engaged in a positive way. and doesn't feel like everything has to be analyzed in some logical rational boring way. And when the person feels positive and engaged he/she feels more energy to respond to any topic. Sometimes humor helps too. You may say something and if the person reacts negatively you may say I was just joking. Then the person feels slighter because he realizes you have a sense of humor and that you are good company. if the conversations sint too childish or delusional etc. Such a person is more willing to make some changes because he realizes you are a good person and that it's a gift to be with you. The only problem isn't the person himself but his brain is not used to changes quickly so it takes time. If you will study some stuff about the subconscious mind you will realize that the brain needs a few months to adapt to new habits.
I am an avoidant attachment. And how i think, what is the point to ask if person don't want to do it or don't feel like that. If you ask something from another person, they will do, not because they want, only because asked ....
Fearful avoidant here- it can be managed..I do a lot of meditation, praying and trying to stay in the moment…definitely have come a long way! Communication is key as well with someone in early stages of dating etc of what you need
This is me. I struggle with this everyday. I’m terrified that I’m being played or cheated and feel like anything I do will sabotage the relationship which of course has only led to hardship between us.
Statistically, women in heteronormative relationships are 1.2 times more likely to domestically abuse their partner than men and six times more likely to abuse their children than men. While men are more likely to engage in immediately lethal behaviors, women are far more likely to engage in behaviors akin to trapping and torturing, respective of intimate partner violence. Women are also more likely to make use of a wider array of abusive behaviors in relationships (e.g., gaslighting, legal and administrative manipulation, parental or communal alienation, stalking, sexual assault, low-lethal physical assault) than men and are more likely to use perceived slights as reasons for abuse (e.g., he's not listening again so he must pay) than men. Women are as likely as men to sexually assault their partner and are orders of magnitude more likely to engage in abusive behaviors when their partner is asleep or otherwise incapacitated than men. Outside of intimate partner violence, women are as likely as men to engage in sexual harassment, degradation, coercive control, sexual battery and assault, stalking, and communal alienation (i.e., relational aggression) as men. It is true that some men are genuinely scary. However, it is more rational to be afraid of women than men when it comes to relationships. What I suspect is that your caregivers were less than adequate and probably used shame as a way to exert control over you when you were young, or perhaps ignored your needs more often than not (which is consistent with an avoidant attachment). Perhaps your father or other significant male figures in your development were less than adequate, or even scary. So, you use this assumption that men (i.e., men as in the collective noun signaling all men) are scary as a means to deactivate your attachment system. Love was painful for you in the past, so as to forego the inevitable pain of a future relationship, you disqualify all possible partners from the outset. However, I would hazard to guess that, in reality, given enough intimacy and closeness with a partner, you would become that scariness that you project onto men. Perhaps to scare him off, or perhaps to push him into becoming scary himself so as to reify and reinforce your beginning assumption.
I needed this so much. As a person with past abuse, lack of acceptance, and then a 16yr relationship with a narcissist, this is what I needed to work towards better communication with my new bf. Thank you!!
@finalfrontier001 How incredibly presumptuous of you. My husband was the narcissist in the relationship, not me. In the last few weeks, he has apologized for the verbal and mental abuse. Maybe be a little less assuming when responding to a comment that's not directed towards you. Take care.
I'm rarely anxious in a relationship but now I am. I feel like I lost myself and so diminished the last few months. I am so lost, I feel like a puppy just wanting a little love. I feel pathetic, like I'm pleading for breadcrumbs.
Scientists found out genuine talk has the same effect on the brain as a medication Many people don´t even need antidepressant medication, they just need friends to talk to. because the talk itself is medicine. And they found out even thoughts have healing effects. So it means people need to realize that every thought or word is actually a small bit of medicine for the brain and also the brain of the other person. they may ask in an emphatic way about details of what they want.
Can you explain more im curios what makes a man appreciate his gf more and what are the things that i maybe should work on to make a healthy relationship
Love this video! Communication is so key between parteners. Love the part "desires are different from your needs", o I love structure, not easy if your avoidant partner is disorganized 😉
OMG I really love this video. It just described my condition perfectly . I communicate my needs and asked for a msg when you are busy or doing something so I don't have to worry that u ignoring me and something wrong is going on. Buy my s/o don't understand that
Dear Hussey I'm a sometimes Hussey Hussey. I got him to call after every ref flag move I made...Hott factor works but love factor he hasn't shown any real interest in calling. His phone calls are always brief and he definitely when he sees me can't keep his hands off me. I'm just wondering what relationship style should I go for other than the crazy red head wedding crasher woman that blows Jeremys mind! I think the sucking a rocket pop probly devalued my status but at 5 months of the situation. I kinda just said "I'm not sure if the horse is dead let's kick it one more time" 😊
I think women tend to be more anxious and the 'unknown/in between/space' is what causes the reactions/anger. For men, it doesn't seem like anything needs to be solved, but for women it does (want an answer/know where she stands/decision has been made, etc) and why issues arise. As a lot of people state, communication is so important and helps fill in the gaps (especially for women and guessing anxious men).
I don't think I'm either. I'ma happy balance. I don't have the fear of being left or that I'm not enough. I value time together or freak out over brief or daily no-contact. I would tell my last boyfriend it wasn't a problem if he called me at work. I love to hear from him unexpectedly. It's cheerful, to know I crossed his mind. Our worksheets were offset by 3 hours. It worked fine. Still, the relationship failed. I can't read his mind! He failed to communicate and when he did he wanted me to give in to his irrational fears.
At what point in the dating process do you communicate your needs? Is as soon as the first date or conversation (matched on a dating app) too soon or is it best to start asap to set a framework?
I'm having a problem right now because I have a fear of abandonment and my boyfriend has a different definition of love than I do. He does not consider love to be an emotional construct but rather a result of our reality and life together and commitment. How do I handle this? He honors his commitment to me, we live together and have for the past year. He includes me in many aspects of his life and shares alot of information with me and is open and transparent. He is honest and trustworthy. I respect him and love him, feel connected. I trust him and he has given me alot of support, listens to me, pays attention to my needs. He does ask me to listen more to him.
When you're with the right person, you shouldn't have intense anxiety about making a mis-step. You don't want to be someone who you feel is judgemental and makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells. Open and honest communication is definitely key for both in the relationship. If you're scared someone is going to leave you because you're not saying what they want you to say at the right time, then it's time to move on.
could just be irrational fear though.
and no partner can constantly make you feel reassured all the time that its guaranteed you wont feel that.
but yeah if you constantly feel like that, its definitely a sign to reevaluate.
Yeah, but... No.
It's not all that simple. Some of us carry scars and damages that keep us believing we deserve the worst. And it's extremely hard to divide what's our mistake, what's our insecurity - and what is actually our partner being a bully withing the relationship.
And that's just one of the examples of where this golden rule you mentioned doesn't apply that easily.
@@koralia100 I never called my comment the "golden rule". You applied that on your own.
My comment was taking into account a person who has done the mental and emotional work to learn to love and respect themselves first. If they get into a relationship where the other person is making them feel judged or there is a lot of negativity, then they should be able to recognize when they aren't getting the respect they deserve.
Some people like to jump into relationships without getting to a good place in their own mind, then they expect the relationship to solve their problems.
Everyone should take responsibility for their own emotions and reactions. Yes, there are abusive and horrible people out there but it's up to the person to decide to leave. If they think they deserve a bad person then they are the only one who can figure out how to get out of that mindset. No matter how much help you give someone, it's ultimately up to them to learn what their own boundaries are and to gain that respect for themselves.
Not everyone has a scarred and damaged life. Many people have had good lives but play along with what society wants them to believe. That they "need" another person to complete them even if that person is terrible. That is false. It's better for a person to stay single and sort themselves out first.
Stop texting, call. Don't always be so available. Have 2 separate lives. No one wants to feel suffocated,. Love this Matt
But also people lie and say whatever you want to hear but then don't follow through. In my experience the sensation of high anxiety is your intuition alerting you that something is off. I've been in relationships where I never felt anxious or worried and ones where I constantly felt worried and anxious.
if ure worry, insecure and anxious it means the dude/chick ure in relationship with is making u like that. yep, just like u said like when they say something but they dont follow thru (words dont match wit the actions)
I was thinking about that too. I felt extremely anxious in my last relationship -- in a completely abnormal way by my standards. Watching this video, I think I found an answer: the lack of a well-reflected and designed path for a relationship. I felt like I was in free fall the whole time, falling through the air, without ground. Today, I understand better: I didn't first design this relationship for myself -- needs, limits, etc. -- and it seems to me that neither did she. Also, she was emotionally unavailable -- and yet she offered me a relationship. Of course this is a recipe for future failure: her, a dismissive avoidant, and me, an AP. The lack of a well-outlined path causes us a lot of anxiety, because you don't know where you're going or what's under your feet -- and here comes the words without actions that avoidants usually do and we are left without understanding absolutely anything and walking on eggshells. This is something that we absolutely cannot accept as a boundary to being in a relationship, because in the long run it affects our health . Walking on eggshells is a way to lose your freedom to talk as you are and authenticity, it is not acceptable. And then, DA and AP hell begins. Lack of communication and assertiveness.
Another thing I put here for us to reflect: conflicts help to redesign relationship paths. Well resolved conflicts renew and strengthen paths. And it helps with dealing with anxieties/insecurities too, because you can be vulnerable about your fears.
Being needy for constant attention essentially shows that you don't feel ok about yourself and you need constant reassurance that you're ok. It will scare off the right person and will attract a manipulative one
Exactly! Thank you 👏👏
How do I change that?
Or should I stay single?
I don't know which is best.
@@donnahampton3632 No need to stay single if you heal your self esteem and learn true self love. There's a difference between communicating your reasonable needs in a healthy way to a healthy partner and being needy which is unloading your insecurities on another. I highly recommend the works of John Bradshaw and Pete Walker
Not if both use empathy and humor..... plus the empathic one gives the other person some space for hobbies without trying to figure it out.
But I guess the 20 years old dont know the same knowledge as the 30 years old.
It took time for me to understand how to communicate my wants in regard to texting, when texting becomes too much, or too little. I would have a headache trying to figure out if I should continue texting or just give some time in between.
Well from texting you don't hear the tone of voice and energy of the person. But I think maybe minimalistic texting isn't a bad thing...if you send a heart or emoticon, it will show your mood, and maybe the person feels engaged in a positive way.
and doesn't feel like everything has to be analyzed in some logical rational boring way.
And when the person feels positive and engaged he/she feels more energy to respond to any topic. Sometimes humor helps too.
You may say something and if the person reacts negatively you may say I was just joking.
Then the person feels slighter because he realizes you have a sense of humor and that you are good company. if the conversations sint too childish or delusional etc.
Such a person is more willing to make some changes because he realizes you are a good person and that it's a gift to be with you.
The only problem isn't the person himself but his brain is not used to changes quickly so it takes time.
If you will study some stuff about the subconscious mind you will realize that the brain needs a few months to adapt to new habits.
I am an avoidant attachment. And how i think, what is the point to ask if person don't want to do it or don't feel like that. If you ask something from another person, they will do, not because they want, only because asked ....
Fearful avoidant here- it can be managed..I do a lot of meditation, praying and trying to stay in the moment…definitely have come a long way! Communication is key as well with someone in early stages of dating etc of what you need
This is me. I struggle with this everyday. I’m terrified that I’m being played or cheated and feel like anything I do will sabotage the relationship which of course has only led to hardship between us.
I am an avoidant attachment but it came from fear of men ,,men can be very scary
If you are scared of men, you should probably seek therapy before dating men. If men dislike women, they should seek therapy before dating women
Statistically, women in heteronormative relationships are 1.2 times more likely to domestically abuse their partner than men and six times more likely to abuse their children than men. While men are more likely to engage in immediately lethal behaviors, women are far more likely to engage in behaviors akin to trapping and torturing, respective of intimate partner violence. Women are also more likely to make use of a wider array of abusive behaviors in relationships (e.g., gaslighting, legal and administrative manipulation, parental or communal alienation, stalking, sexual assault, low-lethal physical assault) than men and are more likely to use perceived slights as reasons for abuse (e.g., he's not listening again so he must pay) than men. Women are as likely as men to sexually assault their partner and are orders of magnitude more likely to engage in abusive behaviors when their partner is asleep or otherwise incapacitated than men. Outside of intimate partner violence, women are as likely as men to engage in sexual harassment, degradation, coercive control, sexual battery and assault, stalking, and communal alienation (i.e., relational aggression) as men.
It is true that some men are genuinely scary. However, it is more rational to be afraid of women than men when it comes to relationships. What I suspect is that your caregivers were less than adequate and probably used shame as a way to exert control over you when you were young, or perhaps ignored your needs more often than not (which is consistent with an avoidant attachment). Perhaps your father or other significant male figures in your development were less than adequate, or even scary. So, you use this assumption that men (i.e., men as in the collective noun signaling all men) are scary as a means to deactivate your attachment system. Love was painful for you in the past, so as to forego the inevitable pain of a future relationship, you disqualify all possible partners from the outset. However, I would hazard to guess that, in reality, given enough intimacy and closeness with a partner, you would become that scariness that you project onto men. Perhaps to scare him off, or perhaps to push him into becoming scary himself so as to reify and reinforce your beginning assumption.
I needed this so much. As a person with past abuse, lack of acceptance, and then a 16yr relationship with a narcissist, this is what I needed to work towards better communication with my new bf. Thank you!!
Maybe you was the problem?
@finalfrontier001 How incredibly presumptuous of you. My husband was the narcissist in the relationship, not me. In the last few weeks, he has apologized for the verbal and mental abuse. Maybe be a little less assuming when responding to a comment that's not directed towards you. Take care.
I wish it’s just Mathew talking not the rest
I'm rarely anxious in a relationship but now I am. I feel like I lost myself and so diminished the last few months. I am so lost, I feel like a puppy just wanting a little love. I feel pathetic, like I'm pleading for breadcrumbs.
No talk about healing from anxious attachment? That should be the next video, and it is possible... Surprised you didnt mention it.
Scientists found out genuine talk has the same effect on the brain as a medication
Many people don´t even need antidepressant medication, they just need friends to talk to.
because the talk itself is medicine. And they found out even thoughts have healing effects.
So it means people need to realize that every thought or word is actually a small bit of medicine for the brain and also the brain of the other person.
they may ask in an emphatic way about details of what they want.
Communication is sooo important
truth!
Hearing this just makes me appreciate my GF more
Can you explain more im curios what makes a man appreciate his gf more and what are the things that i maybe should work on to make a healthy relationship
What are you doing here? 😂
Love this video! Communication is so key between parteners. Love the part "desires are different from your needs", o I love structure, not easy if your avoidant partner is disorganized 😉
OMG I really love this video. It just described my condition perfectly . I communicate my needs and asked for a msg when you are busy or doing something so I don't have to worry that u ignoring me and something wrong is going on. Buy my s/o don't understand that
Im avoidant and my previous ex was anxious.. wasnt very good for the both of us
Great video and conversation. I appreciate you all for sharing this with us.
Dear Hussey I'm a sometimes Hussey Hussey.
I got him to call after every ref flag move I made...Hott factor works but love factor he hasn't shown any real interest in calling. His phone calls are always brief and he definitely when he sees me can't keep his hands off me.
I'm just wondering what relationship style should I go for other than the crazy red head wedding crasher woman that blows Jeremys mind! I think the sucking a rocket pop probly devalued my status but at 5 months of the situation. I kinda just said "I'm not sure if the horse is dead let's kick it one more time" 😊
I think women tend to be more anxious and the 'unknown/in between/space' is what causes the reactions/anger. For men, it doesn't seem like anything needs to be solved, but for women it does (want an answer/know where she stands/decision has been made, etc) and why issues arise. As a lot of people state, communication is so important and helps fill in the gaps (especially for women and guessing anxious men).
Such a great video! I love how he says “what you want is to be texted every hour, but what you need is structure” sooo truee !
I'm anxious and avoidsnt
I don't think I'm either. I'ma happy balance. I don't have the fear of being left or that I'm not enough. I value time together or freak out over brief or daily no-contact. I would tell my last boyfriend it wasn't a problem if he called me at work. I love to hear from him unexpectedly. It's cheerful, to know I crossed his mind. Our worksheets were offset by 3 hours. It worked fine. Still, the relationship failed. I can't read his mind! He failed to communicate and when he did he wanted me to give in to his irrational fears.
Where can I watch the whole podcast?
Using the false vocal folds may damage the voice. It's that grate n gravel noise that some people make. I can't watch further.
You are a breath of fresh air Matthew 🥰
AMAAAAAZING conversation and Convlusions,guys❤❤❤!!! I See IT the Same,thank you sooooo much for that!!!!❤
💜💜💜
At what point in the dating process do you communicate your needs? Is as soon as the first date or conversation (matched on a dating app) too soon or is it best to start asap to set a framework?
Communicating your needs is a process, just like dating. If somebody would tell me I have to text good morning after a first date, I'd bail.
I'm now living in a RV using my rental income to see the world.
💚💚💚🍀
My attachment style is disorganized
I really appreciate this conversation...
YESSS!! Omg this is exactly what I needed😭
Really great video, good points made!
I really like this format with everyone chipping in their views. What an amazing team to work with ❤
I'm having a problem right now because I have a fear of abandonment and my boyfriend has a different definition of love than I do. He does not consider love to be an emotional construct but rather a result of our reality and life together and commitment. How do I handle this? He honors his commitment to me, we live together and have for the past year. He includes me in many aspects of his life and shares alot of information with me and is open and transparent. He is honest and trustworthy. I respect him and love him, feel connected. I trust him and he has given me alot of support, listens to me, pays attention to my needs. He does ask me to listen more to him.
,🖤🖤