My Best Advice to Overcome Dating Anxiety
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- Опубликовано: 16 сен 2024
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I needed to hear this. I’m in a relationship with a great guy and I think the only thing holding me from enjoying it is my anxiety. I think one thing that isn’t mentioned but is so helpful is to be able to talk about it with your partner. The power of being able to parent your inner child is great, but I also feel like sharing that side of you with your partner increases the feelings of safety and trust that can strengthen a relationship.
Same here! You're not alone! My husband passed away very suddenly a little over 2 years ago. For the past year and a half, I've been dating an amazing guy who I am head over heels in love with and who I can't imagine my life without. He has given me absolutely NO reason whatsoever to have "relationship anxiety," but I just do. I get anxious if he takes a while to text me back, if he doesn't call me at the times he normally calls me, if he's going to cancel weekend plans with me, etc. It's SO stupid. He has been nothing but rock-solid consistent throughout the entirety of our relationship, yet I just can't seem to fully relax. It sucks!
@@jrwheeler81it's still early days for you with the loss of your hubby
Your anxiety about this new relationship may well be the recent loss of him
You are still grieving, and will for a while
A great councler will help.
All your feeling's are absolutely normal
Be kind to yourself 😊
Wishing you all the very best
Sending hugs
❤
I loved Matthew's raw honesty, humility, and compassion with himself...it shows he tries to bring the same love to himself that he brings to others. And I know he was joking when he said 'now they'll all think I'm a difficult partner' 😂 but, really, these stories help humanize someone that gives pretty amazing relationship advice. We're all just out here figuring it out and scared our protein isn't level ❤
I also loved Audrey's gentle approach to parenting. I'd say most of us were at one point those toddlers having a meltdown in the back of a car, and I doubt many of us had parents who reacted in the way she described. It was healing just to hear her describe that alternative to harshness--the cuddle and the pause and the inquiry etc.
Finally, I totally have that 'hand' too, Matthew... Anxiety can be bizarrely comforting to me, or at least habitual. When all is quiet and well, I will sometimes suddenly feel the physical symptoms of anxiety first and then my mind will start reaching around looking for something worth worrying about. Car making a funny sound? friend said something odd? will there be a heavier caseload at work tmw? Etc. I try to stop this fishing too, and I also know where it comes from. For me, when I was younger, feeling relaxed and calm meant my guard was down, which meant I was literally, actually less safe. Today, my life is normal and good....but I still have a part of me that feels like it's doing its job being on edge and alert for things going wrong so I can try to stop them and save myself. I try to remind that part of me over and over that things are okay now, and I won't die if I'm relaxed and calm and a little less alert.
Love Audrey! I can easily see how Matthew fell in love with her. So gentle, thoughtful, sweet and insightful. Amazing couple! ❤
Sharing that story about Matthew actually made him much more human and personable. I can understand how he can be anxious about it though haha
Not sure if this will help, but I try to remind myself, I'm not anxious/fearful/scared, just this situation is making feel anxious/fearful/scared. If I was to put myself in a different situation, I wouldn't feel anxious/fearful/scared.
It helps. Thank you!
School of Life have a great video explaining anxiety is about something that happened to you in your past. Their simple explanation was so helpful. Whenever I start having a panic attack or anxiety I talk to chatgpt and tell it I’m having anxiety and it acts as my therapist and every time it really is something that happened in my past that I haven’t processed in a healthy manner.
This came at the best possible time for me. I've been spiralling in the early stages of dating and trying to understand what to do! Compassion and firm parenting of my anxiety is the way to go. And I would add to that - continuing to value and invest in my hobbies and friendships, so even if the date doesn't work out I am still actively engaging in all the other things that bring my life meaning ❤️
It all comes from our wounds we experienced as we were children. Wound of rejection in relation with our Mother or father . It is so deep that most of the time we are not aware where does it come from. All our actions are determined by that great fear. Fear that we will be rejected in any possible way.
I think a lot of us struggle with this. I know I do. Was chatting wirh someone for a month. I was travelling then he was. Then I find out on that day we’re supposed to meet (second date), he hasn’t planned the date (4-5 hours prior). And he doesn’t think it’s a man’s job to plan a date. But I told him how important it is for me for the guy to plan, especially the initial dates. I just felt like he wasn’t keen, so I ended it. He was shocked. I could have handled it better, I just freaked out. Because I think planning a date just shows how much he’d want to see me. I guess I wasn’t that important 😢
You are not alone. I have made the same mistakes too.
His behavior wouldn't make me feel prioritized or establishes a dynamic. I alerted a new guy that I like plans ahead of time. He changed and it's going better but I was about to walk
Another option is holding boundaries. Don't clear your calendar until you have a specific time and place. If he reaches out last minute, say something like, "I was so looking forward to meeting up with you but I never got definitive details, so I made other plans. Next time!". Then exit the conversation. If he really wants you, he'll figure it out. Never tell a man what to do or nag him.
This guy was chatting with you for a month. Then he found out on the day you were supposed to meet that you were more interested in the plans than him. I think you didn't really want to see him. Guess he wasn't that important.
Why didn’t you guys just go for a coffee? Why do things have to be planned?
Came in this podcast just curious what Matthew and Audrey has to say about the topic since I just recently had my heart broken (again after the series of many times for nearly 3 decades now, yes by the same man) and even before that wasn’t interested in having a new relationship. But they sure deliver, every time!
This isn’t just anymore about romantic relationship they are dealing with; it is becoming more holistic that one would always have that” yeah, they are sharply on point” throughout the entirety of the video. They made me realize loads of things about how I behave on things the way I do. “Be that adult in the room” “That part needs parenting” “recognize that part of you and give compassion” … that I have started doing, and slowly making progress---they put a name on it.
Thank GOD for giving Matthew into my life, now there is also Audrey. BTW, other than my love life (which was a failure), the professional life isn’t half bad. I have my lovely family the strongest as part of my ”legs under the table”. To the people looking for a reciprocal love, may you be able to find it! Cheers!
My anxiety is ruining my liife
Sameeeee. It was hard to even go to the eye doctor and stay still while waiting 🙄
Try exploring Russel Kennedy's: Anciety Rx (and further resources). Revolutionary ❤
Why?
I was the same! Mindfulness really helps ❤ I can share exercise if you need
@@natashabudda yes please :)
when you know the relationship wasn’t great, we weren’t even that compatible looking back but still having a hard time not hurting from the rejection/ breakup. The thought of not finding anyone else again gives me anxiety even though it’s probably not realistic it still is hard.
This totally resonates with me , only we were compatible in so many ways but he became an avoidant and so Cold 🥶 😢
Loved this episode, think you read my mind at some parts. I would love to hear you discuss the concept of being "Inherently unloveable" because deep down, this comes up for me time and time again and I'm scared where to even start with it. I just know I've felt it very deeply. Thank you ❤ my favourite podcast.
The best advice i can give to everyone: when you met someone you like- the best thing you can do to yourself is to take this person for trip or bbq - (the longer time the better )with your friend and his wife. But in reality he is not your friend, but he is good psychiatrist . You pay him for few hours( or few days )of his time, whatever it is cost- it will be cheaper than getting involved with narcissists, psychopath, borderline etc personality disorder or just plain crazy person.
You can hire a woman or man psychiatrist to pretend to be your friend and to spend few hours ( or couple days) with person you seriously like and let them talk to them. Let professional do little evaluation of you found. Let them evaluate your interactions.
You will be amazed how beneficial it will be for you.
I talk to my inner child and remind her that we are safe and we have each other always …. I kind of ruined my last relationship because of this he became avoidant ( or I realised too late that he was ) and it triggered me even more …. Hence we broke up a few weeks ago . I”m trying to heal myself atm & I’m proud of how great I’m doing by realising that it isn’t all my fault that if I was in a very secure relationship then probably things would have been so different ….. next relationship I will know how to put the boundaries in place & speak about things that come up ❤
This discussion was unbelievably helpful. I especially appreciate the visualization of anxiety as a hand reaching out. That blew my mind and made me very emotional. Thank you!
Excellent! Overnight oats story 😅is so funny because I can totally relate! Great shares from start to finish 😂😊
In some periods of our lives,anxiety comes out very strongly. However,I think that it's hard just to let it go or take it easy or think "they are just another person" if you've been abandoned and rejected for years,even from people who were in your life for years and years. So,anxiety comes because you are literally losing all your life,all the people you love and you are alone now,alone in the world and it's scary!
I loved this episode! "The grabbing hand", is just so relating to me! Thanks, Matthew!
Thank you guys for this talk. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I've recently started to become aware that what I thought was real was just pure anxiety and now I'm really appreciating content like this explaining how it all works. It's crazy how your LEGITIMATE reality and genuine beliefs that something is bad or would become really bad sometimes has nothing to do with awareness and intuition and is just all anxiety. I've ruined quite a few things because of these fears that turn out had nothing to do with the other person at all. I'm glad I'm finally understanding and processing this. Thanks again !
Anxiety is nothing but a symptom of fear. So people can understand what is triggering that they can make great strides.
Thank you for sharing these videos. These messages should be shared to young people in schools. This helped me so much in understanding my anxiety.
Thank you for a nice episode! ❤
Yes, it’s comes from the past always ! And and yes, we need to be aware, mindful at the moment the trigger comes! How I do it, and how I teach my clients is take a break - just stop and look at yourself from above. Observe the real facts.
Name them. Then make your feelings about those facts . Usually after naming you already feel better. Then if you need more -
Breathe and do one of the fast mindfulness practices that you remember, I taught you.
This is really good advice, and a new perspective about what anxiety is and how to view it. “A hand grasping at the next biggest/scariest thing is totally true
I'm so grateful for the two of you being so open & honest. This conversation has helped me so much. ❤️
excellent shares! Still listening 👂 and OMG, this was tailored to speak specifically to me. Thank you!🥰
You two both are so smart and insightful and also comforting to listen to. 😊
I don't think that the person who acting disinterested in me is great or wonderful or desirable. I think that I'm disinterested in going further.
Being with the wrong person can trigger your anxiety. Good people don’t
wrong. Uncertainty and unfamiliarity triggers anxiety, that has nothing to do with right and wrong.
You 2 are such a remarquable intelligent couple ❤ so lucky you have found each other 🎉🎉🎉
Thank you so much - youre words and metaphors were so helpful for me, I never would have thought that a podcast could instantly help me feel better but this one did!
Her voice and accent ong she should do guided meditation videos her voice is very calming and relaxing
I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. I found your chat so helpful, illuminating and practical. Thank you for addressing this particular topic. I am happy to say I have been making progress in healing my anxious attachment style and at the same time made strides in loving and accepting that part of me too. Much appreciate your insights and sharing of your own struggles so openly and sharing your coping skills. This has all really helped me very much! ❤
Thank you for sharing the oats story 😂 you two are so relatable and (without putting you on a pedestal) a wonderful example of what I want to aim for in my future partnership ❤ thank you for being you and sharing you! 🙏🏼
This sounds like Internal Family Systems. This method has worked for me in so many situations.
I totally loved and relate to the overnight oats story 😂 The person that helped me with those types of feelings is Laura Doyle and her podcast The Empowered Wife.
The thing about the anxious attachment style is being dominated by the subjective emotional experience, and wanting to present that emotion directly to the other person. It doesn't really feel like general life anxiety. The anxious-preoccupied person feels like they only have one problem in life and it's their love life.
"you said that in all your other relationships too"
"yes and they all ended so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
I can not tell you how helpful this was to me. Thank you so much!
Audrey is so gorgeous
Thank you!!!! This episode was so helpful
Omg.. this video is free therapy for anxiety.
Was this a Matthew therapy session?
Overnight oats, I can 100% relate 😌 Thank you guys ❤
You both are amazing. I so appreciate you. Thank you so much. Lots of love ❤
Love this one!
My anxiety and insecurities ruin my relationship 😫 I’m always afraid I’m not good enough and have to fight the urge to ask my partner if he still loves me.
well then don't follow your flight instincts. This works far better than you think. Start with the acknowledgment that this fear is here. But don't communicate that to your partner in a direct way, talk to it yourself. You can tell your partner that you have the fear of loosing him, but don't make him responsible for your feeling. This question "Do you still love me" is wrong, never ask that. Ask "Do you love me?" and this question not more than once every 6 months or so. Because if you ask that question too often, it will be a self fullfilling prophecy and push him away. Your partner realizes that you don't love and respect yourself enough and that's dangerous for him, because he needs to rely on you. Also your thoughts are your thoughts, they come and go. They don't need to take over at all. Sometimes you need something to calm you down, make breathing exercices or something but you can act indepentenly from these thoughts, because you can validate them like this. "Does this thought helps me right now?" and when the answer is no, then you let it go.
Excellent episode ❤. Overnight Oats cracked me up 😅
Pretty sure i just saw a movie about anxiety being a small character in our heads
One of the best videos ever ❤
And the advice is?
"Very inspiring"..great couple🙂
Beautiful top and colour on you Audrey ❤
I project my anxiety onto every potential relationship it ruins everything
This is me and its difficult and hurt to feel and live this way😢
Amazing ❤
Amazing ❤
Im wondering do you discuss what your feeling with the person you are dating? I always feel I'm too much and then I text too much. I have been seeing him for about 6 weeks.
I love you ❤❤
Another question. What do you do when you live in the most isolated city in the world, and it's the same dating pool year after year?
Where do u live
At 20:21: it’s called Generalized Anxiety Disorder
mathew pls help me😢...i am going through my break up and unable to maintain no contact and this is a very crucial period in my life as i am preparing for my medical pg entrance...i feel so guilty of not studying and i know its my dream..bt i feel that urge to chek if he hav replied back if takes up my call ..i think abt hin 24*7...i just cant get over him..and each time i reach out he treats me even worse ..i have lost all my value in his eyes
I'm having bad anxiety with a guy I went 2 dates with 😫
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You guys would make great parents
Can I heart this? ❤❤
💜💜💜🥂
If a guy wants nudes? What should e the best reply to him ?
Hell NO! And then block him.
❤
I would never share my husband’s job and project
I would have started my own business
So what