Whenever my father tries to control me I simply tell him he's not my husband so while his opinion is always welcome he isn't apart of the decision making process. He will continue to try and control but I just say "Your opinion has been noted". That's actually something I got from Star trek and I found it's a decent way to shut down narcissists. It let's them know they are heard but that's where their influence ends.
I told my mom, grandmother, and sister about the abuse when I was 26. I tell other women, who have daughters, that he is not what he seems; he will prey on the girls. Forewarned is forearmed. I will not protect him through silence. I am trying to break the cycle and prevent other girls getting the same abuse. His problem,not my fault.
This was so helpful. It IS sad and painful when a parent chooses not to have a relationship with their kid if they can’t fully control them or be at the center of attention. I really feel for the caller. What an ordeal, to go through all those losses and then have to deal with that hurtful behavior from her father/parents is terrible. It just adds to the feelings of loss. She has to grieve the loss of the relationship she thought she had with her parents on top of the babies lost 😞. It just sucks when the kids have to model healthy boundaries to the parents, and they are unwilling to learn ☹️. Hang in there caller 🙏🏼❤️
I love your very different perspective on this Dr Cloud. My mother disrespected all my boundaries even parenting my children and whether or not to use physical force as a discipline measure. She even told me that grandmothers took precedence so I took my children and left and haven't spoken to her for 5 years. She finds it extremely difficult to see that I am not an extension of her and I just want to live my life as a free adult who happens to be married with three kids and to actually PARENT them with my husband instead of having the spanners thrown in. I never thought of the way you said it where the parents ended the relationship instead of me - disrespect was rife in our relationship. Mum never BELIEVED in respecting me EVER! HOW could you have a relationship when the other party is just so disrespectful, yet she would probably say the same thing about me. When my mum announces in front of others "But I am your MOTHER!" when we choose to say no to talking with her. I'm all talked out. It's very one sided.
Thank you for sharing this. It's so comforting to know that others deal with this. My dad says I'm dishonorable and that I'm not honoring my parents because I finally put my foot down after 40 years and called them out on the condescension.
Now that I'm a mother, I believe that children are born with an entitlement to my respect and love. My heart breaks for this woman and hope she's doing better.
I chose not to marry, have kids. Dad is a predator(verbally(mostly) sexually abusive) and one of his brothers, who, thankfully, moved away. But he still was a jackass, I think Dad put him up to it. The uncle told me a sexual joke, their mother, when I complained, said "have a sense of humor" I was 26. I am almost 60
I was afraid I would have girls, who would be abused, too. So I gave him no possibility of damaging another generation. And expecting me to protect him through silence. I tell women, my mom, her mom, anyone with a daughter(mothers) so he can't hurt them, too! I broke the cycle; I win!
Dad is vindictive; I still don't trust him; he blamed me for the abuse when I was 12 1/2, and not to tell anyone, he threatened me, told me to be silent. And that "no one will believe you". Not true! He's a pathetic excuse for a human being, man and father. He was supposed to protect me from men like him; just the opposite. He enmeshed me, he wouldn't take no for an answer and said I was coming onto him; I wanted to throw up. None of it was my fault!
My parents wanted it their way too. Unfortunately I’m 4.5 years NC. Life is so much better & I loved The Boundaries book. I fortunately had a Minister friend help me through this. This was very helpful to so many- thanks so much
Simply laying a boundry down to keep from your father's antagonistic and entitled ways with the constant calls, especially when you are both suffering is Creul. Relationships work with respect both ways. Do not feel bad. Stand up for your self respecting boudries. If they are not contacting you, that's their poor choice. Bless you. Sometimes, they are used to us putting up with way too much. Putting them always first. In your situation i see this as very disrespectful and creul. You don't deserve this behavior of his now silent treatment to punish you is all it is. Keep your chin up, you've done nothing wrong. Stay strong. I love your show doctor.
I resonate with this so much! I had such a strong connection with my parents but I started putting up boundaries and they are like super glue, they won't budge or be flexible... I know that I'm not the problem they are. Thanks for the clarification!
When I was on social media sharing my kids growing up, my in laws would ignore my posts (not comment or like but they would comment on other grandkids or kids of friends). I started to feel hurt but didn’t confront them. When we had a fight, the truth came out that they were judging me and didn’t approve of me as wife. Anyway, I tried to live in peace with them, walking on eggshells & not having to confront. So when their secrets were being brought into the light, I realized I wasn’t imagining things. My first reaction was to unfriend them as every post (I see their faces) I am reminded of the hurt. The disapproval was injurious to me coz that’s the wound formed as result of my relationship with my own parents. It’s weird that when we finally patched things up, they mentioned to my husband that I unfriended so how can they stay updated with our lives since we moved to another continent? That time, I didn’t have all the scriptures yet but I figured they didn’t show appreciation when they had (online) access to our lives so why maintain it? My husband, their son, addressed that by saying, “I told her to unfriend you because she was hurting back then. But you can always invite / add her and Im sure she will accept”. But they never did and I eventually left social media (deleted my accounts). I needed to watch this as I have, at times, wrestled with feelings of shame and guilt over our decision to leave. But looking back, the fight which led to truth coming out were actually grace because that gave me the clarity & courage to finally “leave and cleave” and focus on my role as wife and mom. I felt stuck on constantly trying to make it work as daughter-in-law and daughter as both sides were toxic and confusing. In time, God restored us to a relationship with him but things between us (parents and adult children) never went back to normal. Our relationship evolved into a more heathy and mature one albeit imperfect still. Im just thankful also for the toxicity that season of our lives coz that allowed me & my husband to focus our time and energy on our core family.
If you're always there after they've used the silent treatment as punishment you're enabling the behaviour. They are punishing and hurting you with no consequences of their own. To them it works because you feel guilt and hurt and they feel like they get power from it. At the very least I wouldn't let them just waltz back into my life like nothing happened. The behaviour should be discussed and acknowledged and it should be said that it won't be tolerated from them.
The caller is not empowered to be her own person. She is the only gate keeper of her. Narcissistic people cross those boundaries to control others. The Bible says to leave your parents and cleave to your spouse and become one flesh. Mom and Dad need to move to the back burner.
I know it's 7 months after you wrote that, but it's reassuring that I'm not alone in this. I had to block my parents' numbers a while back to allow myself to heal. I unblocked them after a while. There's a rift between my parents and me because I realized as an adult that my parents have been condescending and controlling my entire life, and I'm not allowed to have my own opinions. My dad hung up on me when I asked him directly to stop his monolog at me over the phone about strong political opinions. I called them a few months later, and it also went very poorly. This last week, I sent my mom flowers for her birthday, and she texted me that she wanted to talk to me, so I called her up. After saying she missed me, she said she wanted things to be resolved between my dad and me. When she took the phone over to him, he told me that I am a dishonorable person for not honoring my parents and that I do not behave like a Christian. "Honor your father and your mother," he shouted at me at least twice. I said we'd better figure this out because someone is going to have to take care of you in the coming years. (I am an only child) My mom said they'd find someone else to take care of them. My dad ended the conversation. And now their nnumbers are blocked again. Every time this wound is re-opened, I'm in sort of disbelief that these are my parents, and I'm reminded of how incredibly painful every interaction with them has nearly always been. It's astounding to me like, "Are these really my parents?"
I'm interested about how these boundaries are being conveyed to the parents. It's difficult to go from zero to 100. It sounds like both parties need grace and communication. It's hard to say anyone is "bad" when people are transitioning and adjusting badly. Grace... and communicated Grace and boundaries then natural consequences....
" Fully understand " ✔what that lady is saying. When you suffer guilt , it's very " HARD " to get RID of it when you've had it ALL your life. She's BETTER off just catching up With them for a cup of coffee and NOT spending a LOT of time with them. Be around people that BUILD you UP 🙆♀️ and when u feel LONELY invite people for TEA that make you laugh 😄🤣😂. ..The Bible says laughter is a good medicine. I can't talk to my mother it's A one way street. .
Yep, "one way street" resonates with me. They demand respect and complete submission even as an adult, but only reciprocate with condescension and judgment. Just let me live my own life and have autonomy.
I’m curious if your “no contact” means no birthday or Christmas cards or parent days cards? I understand that when there’s been physical abuse or stealing from you, or perhaps cussing you out and telling you to get lost, but I’m confused about complete nc otherwise. Do you tell them why so there’s no confusion about why? And what conditions are needed to engage? Just wondering because I’ve seen a lot of misunderstandings that go on for long periods of time. I’ve also seen people cut off their parents who weren’t mistreating nor trying to control them. They simply said something that rubbed them the wrong way and they said life was easier and happier and more in control with cutting them out. This caller was clear and her circumstance is sad. God bless and guide her, her husband, their relationship, and their relationships with others. May this teaching be used wisely and not just feed into our current “cancel culture.” Thanks for illuminating some wisdom Dr Cloud.
@@Usernameblahblahnblah absolutely! My point was about people that take it where they ghost family members (parents included) who are not toxic overbearing people as was described in the video, but are targeted anyway as a scapegoat and excuse for their own toxic behavior. I know parents/grandparents who have been cut off completely from their child and grandchildren because the adult child is more in the role of the parents in Dr Cloud’s scenario and even told their parents to have “no contact.” It’s heartbreaking to watch and heartbreak for the grandparents and grandchildren who all want to keep the peace and not provoke the irritable one at the center of it all.
I feel for this woman.
I think we often think that as "the children" we don't get to ask our parents to respect us.
But we are all allowed respect!
Whenever my father tries to control me I simply tell him he's not my husband so while his opinion is always welcome he isn't apart of the decision making process. He will continue to try and control but I just say "Your opinion has been noted". That's actually something I got from Star trek and I found it's a decent way to shut down narcissists. It let's them know they are heard but that's where their influence ends.
I told my mom, grandmother, and sister about the abuse when I was 26. I tell other women, who have daughters, that he is not what he seems; he will prey on the girls. Forewarned is forearmed. I will not protect him through silence. I am trying to break the cycle and prevent other girls getting the same abuse. His problem,not my fault.
Right on time! My mother always wants her way. Emotional blackmail is on the top of the menu.
This was so helpful. It IS sad and painful when a parent chooses not to have a relationship with their kid if they can’t fully control them or be at the center of attention. I really feel for the caller. What an ordeal, to go through all those losses and then have to deal with that hurtful behavior from her father/parents is terrible. It just adds to the feelings of loss. She has to grieve the loss of the relationship she thought she had with her parents on top of the babies lost 😞. It just sucks when the kids have to model healthy boundaries to the parents, and they are unwilling to learn ☹️.
Hang in there caller 🙏🏼❤️
Appreciate this call. I was always blamed by my family for dysfunction but this makes so much sense. Thank you.
I love your very different perspective on this Dr Cloud. My mother disrespected all my boundaries even parenting my children and whether or not to use physical force as a discipline measure. She even told me that grandmothers took precedence so I took my children and left and haven't spoken to her for 5 years. She finds it extremely difficult to see that I am not an extension of her and I just want to live my life as a free adult who happens to be married with three kids and to actually PARENT them with my husband instead of having the spanners thrown in. I never thought of the way you said it where the parents ended the relationship instead of me - disrespect was rife in our relationship. Mum never BELIEVED in respecting me EVER! HOW could you have a relationship when the other party is just so disrespectful, yet she would probably say the same thing about me. When my mum announces in front of others "But I am your MOTHER!" when we choose to say no to talking with her. I'm all talked out. It's very one sided.
Thank you for sharing this. It's so comforting to know that others deal with this. My dad says I'm dishonorable and that I'm not honoring my parents because I finally put my foot down after 40 years and called them out on the condescension.
Now that I'm a mother, I believe that children are born with an entitlement to my respect and love. My heart breaks for this woman and hope she's doing better.
I chose not to marry, have kids. Dad is a predator(verbally(mostly) sexually abusive) and one of his brothers, who, thankfully, moved away. But he still was a jackass, I think Dad put him up to it. The uncle told me a sexual joke, their mother, when I complained, said "have a sense of humor" I was 26. I am almost 60
I was afraid I would have girls, who would be abused, too. So I gave him no possibility of damaging another generation. And expecting me to protect him through silence. I tell women, my mom, her mom, anyone with a daughter(mothers) so he can't hurt them, too! I broke the cycle; I win!
Dad is vindictive; I still don't trust him; he blamed me for the abuse when I was 12 1/2, and not to tell anyone, he threatened me, told me to be silent. And that "no one will believe you". Not true! He's a pathetic excuse for a human being, man and father. He was supposed to protect me from men like him; just the opposite. He enmeshed me, he wouldn't take no for an answer and said I was coming onto him; I wanted to throw up. None of it was my fault!
His third wife, a cop, when I told her about the abuse, she said "it's not that bad" the bitch!
I told her not to have anything to do with him, she said "you don't really know your father." On the contrary, I know him too well!
My parents wanted it their way too. Unfortunately I’m 4.5 years NC. Life is so much better & I loved The Boundaries book. I fortunately had a Minister friend help me through this. This was very helpful to so many- thanks so much
Simply laying a boundry down to keep from your father's antagonistic and entitled ways with the constant calls, especially when you are both suffering is Creul. Relationships work with respect both ways.
Do not feel bad. Stand up for your self respecting boudries. If they are not contacting you, that's their poor choice. Bless you. Sometimes, they are used to us putting up with way too much. Putting them always first. In your situation i see this as very disrespectful and creul. You don't deserve this behavior of his now silent treatment to punish you is all it is. Keep your chin up, you've done nothing wrong. Stay strong.
I love your show doctor.
I resonate with this so much! I had such a strong connection with my parents but I started putting up boundaries and they are like super glue, they won't budge or be flexible... I know that I'm not the problem they are. Thanks for the clarification!
15:02 - Outstanding. Such a blessing. Thank you to Dr. Cloud, and the caller.
When I was on social media sharing my kids growing up, my in laws would ignore my posts (not comment or like but they would comment on other grandkids or kids of friends). I started to feel hurt but didn’t confront them. When we had a fight, the truth came out that they were judging me and didn’t approve of me as wife. Anyway, I tried to live in peace with them, walking on eggshells & not having to confront. So when their secrets were being brought into the light, I realized I wasn’t imagining things. My first reaction was to unfriend them as every post (I see their faces) I am reminded of the hurt. The disapproval was injurious to me coz that’s the wound formed as result of my relationship with my own parents. It’s weird that when we finally patched things up, they mentioned to my husband that I unfriended so how can they stay updated with our lives since we moved to another continent? That time, I didn’t have all the scriptures yet but I figured they didn’t show appreciation when they had (online) access to our lives so why maintain it? My husband, their son, addressed that by saying, “I told her to unfriend you because she was hurting back then. But you can always invite / add her and Im sure she will accept”. But they never did and I eventually left social media (deleted my accounts).
I needed to watch this as I have, at times, wrestled with feelings of shame and guilt over our decision to leave. But looking back, the fight which led to truth coming out were actually grace because that gave me the clarity & courage to finally “leave and cleave” and focus on my role as wife and mom. I felt stuck on constantly trying to make it work as daughter-in-law and daughter as both sides were toxic and confusing. In time, God restored us to a relationship with him but things between us (parents and adult children) never went back to normal. Our relationship evolved into a more heathy and mature one albeit imperfect still. Im just thankful also for the toxicity that season of our lives coz that allowed me & my husband to focus our time and energy on our core family.
If you're always there after they've used the silent treatment as punishment you're enabling the behaviour. They are punishing and hurting you with no consequences of their own. To them it works because you feel guilt and hurt and they feel like they get power from it. At the very least I wouldn't let them just waltz back into my life like nothing happened. The behaviour should be discussed and acknowledged and it should be said that it won't be tolerated from them.
Absolutely
The caller is not empowered to be her own person. She is the only gate keeper of her. Narcissistic people cross those boundaries to control others. The Bible says to leave your parents and cleave to your spouse and become one flesh. Mom and Dad need to move to the back burner.
Thank you SO MUCH 🥹💔
Same same same! Just had to block my mom again.
I know it's 7 months after you wrote that, but it's reassuring that I'm not alone in this. I had to block my parents' numbers a while back to allow myself to heal. I unblocked them after a while. There's a rift between my parents and me because I realized as an adult that my parents have been condescending and controlling my entire life, and I'm not allowed to have my own opinions. My dad hung up on me when I asked him directly to stop his monolog at me over the phone about strong political opinions. I called them a few months later, and it also went very poorly. This last week, I sent my mom flowers for her birthday, and she texted me that she wanted to talk to me, so I called her up. After saying she missed me, she said she wanted things to be resolved between my dad and me. When she took the phone over to him, he told me that I am a dishonorable person for not honoring my parents and that I do not behave like a Christian. "Honor your father and your mother," he shouted at me at least twice. I said we'd better figure this out because someone is going to have to take care of you in the coming years. (I am an only child) My mom said they'd find someone else to take care of them. My dad ended the conversation. And now their nnumbers are blocked again. Every time this wound is re-opened, I'm in sort of disbelief that these are my parents, and I'm reminded of how incredibly painful every interaction with them has nearly always been. It's astounding to me like, "Are these really my parents?"
Your videos are so helpful to me! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! ♥️
This is very helpful. Thanks much 🙏
Very timely!! Thank you!!!
I experienced thr same stuff from my parents
I'm interested about how these boundaries are being conveyed to the parents. It's difficult to go from zero to 100. It sounds like both parties need grace and communication. It's hard to say anyone is "bad" when people are transitioning and adjusting badly. Grace... and communicated Grace and boundaries then natural consequences....
I can relate!
" Fully understand " ✔what that lady is saying. When you suffer guilt , it's very " HARD " to get RID of it when you've had it ALL your life.
She's BETTER off just catching up With them for a cup of coffee and NOT spending a LOT of time with them.
Be around people that BUILD you UP 🙆♀️ and when u feel LONELY invite people for TEA that make you laugh 😄🤣😂. ..The Bible says laughter is a good medicine.
I can't talk to my mother it's A one way street. .
Her story is sad but beautiful because she is going to heal and all heaven is her friend.
Yep, "one way street" resonates with me. They demand respect and complete submission even as an adult, but only reciprocate with condescension and judgment. Just let me live my own life and have autonomy.
I’m curious if your “no contact” means no birthday or Christmas cards or parent days cards? I understand that when there’s been physical abuse or stealing from you, or perhaps cussing you out and telling you to get lost, but I’m confused about complete nc otherwise. Do you tell them why so there’s no confusion about why? And what conditions are needed to engage? Just wondering because I’ve seen a lot of misunderstandings that go on for long periods of time. I’ve also seen people cut off their parents who weren’t mistreating nor trying to control them. They simply said something that rubbed them the wrong way and they said life was easier and happier and more in control with cutting them out. This caller was clear and her circumstance is sad. God bless and guide her, her husband, their relationship, and their relationships with others. May this teaching be used wisely and not just feed into our current “cancel culture.” Thanks for illuminating some wisdom Dr Cloud.
@@Usernameblahblahnblah absolutely! My point was about people that take it where they ghost family members (parents included) who are not toxic overbearing people as was described in the video, but are targeted anyway as a scapegoat and excuse for their own toxic behavior. I know parents/grandparents who have been cut off completely from their child and grandchildren because the adult child is more in the role of the parents in Dr Cloud’s scenario and even told their parents to have “no contact.” It’s heartbreaking to watch and heartbreak for the grandparents and grandchildren who all want to keep the peace and not provoke the irritable one at the center of it all.
wouldn't that be trauma bonding
She’s trauma bonded