I think the problem with female friendships is the same problem with a lot of romantic relationships: if you romanticize something and put it up on an unattainable pedestal, it's never gonna work. the messy human side of things needs to be there in any relationship.
@@emilyonizuka4698 true, especially with all these stupid videos about 'trauma drumping' makes people refrain from talking about themselves and catching up My friend had to told me that it's okay to talk about myself and share what's going on in my life. That made me realize that my friends didn't know much about me bc i kept things to myself
@@aeoligarlic4024trauma dumping is meant to refer to when people mindlessly dump all their trauma on someone who doesn't want to hear it. Not when they're okay with talking about it
This part!! It's so frustrating to me!! I'm a femme and my ex bestie was too. We were super close and she dissed my husband so I told her that was really out of line. So instead of moving past it together she said I don't want to be friends anymore if I can't be the perfect friend to you and she blocked me on everything. I talked with her boyfriend about it after and he told me she was annoyed with me for "not listening to her" and he is her fricken boyfriend, so we both know that she has blow ups sometimes... But my point is that I forgive her and still want to be friends. Friendship isn't perfect because each person is different. How could I expect her to know where all my boundaries lie from when we first meet? It's not normal for a friend to hand you a guide book on what they think is going too far, or like when you officially become friends with someone you both sit down and go over a list together of rules. That doesn't make sense! And friends change over time! One of my current besties pisses me off all the time. But when we first met years ago we argued all the time over stupid things and misunderstandings. My husband would have to sit in-between us and translate what one said to the other to stop us from fighting. But since then he's changed a lot as a person and we understand each other better now and get along really well! I don't have this with all my close friends but at some point you should expect a fight when you get close with someone. Because you don't know what boundaries they have, when you spend more time together, you'll trip over a boundary you didn't see before. The longer you're with someone the closer you'll get to making them upset at some point because that's how relationships are. There's no guidebook for each individual, maybe a general guide, but not a specific one for each friend. You should expect yourself to be the one to learn and figure out your relationship with hands on experience.
@@aeoligarlic4024that's so sad because I wonder if you never worried about "trauma dumping" to your friends if they would've known more about you and you guys would be closer
i also think the culture of individualism and therapy speak is killing deep close friendships. before the internet, your best friend was who you sat next to in class, and if she fucked up or you fucked up you eventually would work it out. now it feels like any slight mistake even if it’s unintentional makes the other party toxic and you MUST cut them off, so the friendship never grows close because any obstacle and nobody is able to forgive anymore.
In my experience this isn't so much the case in pre existing friendships but in making new friends. I met up with a girl I met online and could tell from the start that she was a rather cold/tough persona which I didn't mind too much until I was about to share the slightest bit of """negativity""" about some minor thing I had going on with my boyfriend. That was the furthest from trauma dumping and I was shook how intensely she cut me off there. I just knew this would never turn into a genuine frienship where we can be vulnerable with each other because that's not something I want to be policed on or wait and fight for.
Nobody apologizes either and expects the simple passing of time to patch things up. No thanks. The passing of time adds distance and makes it difficult to make amends. If you hurt someone, apologize...it isnt optional. If 99% relationships are net negative for me in the end, I am gonna be extremely choosy with who I consider a friend. And I certainly don't feel guilty about it. If you all got your brains out of capitalist society you might have more mental energy for maintaining friendships. I think a lot of people normally succumbing to people pleasing etc for their social interaction needs have found solace without it on the internet and low quality friends are having a hard time as the decent go hermit and all they can find are equally low quality friends. It is not transactional. Buti f I invest, and you garner, what us the benefit to said friendships? There is none. Quality over quantity. If you are a good friend, I am happy to be one too. Also..most people are just hateful. And I cannot be bothered to listen to it. I find solace in isolation. I was popular when young...it is overrated. Good, honest, true friends are few and far between. Good humans are few and far between. Be better friends and maybe decent people would get out of hermit mode.
too real,, especially as a teenager like none of us are perfect we re all just flawed and growing people who dont really know ourselves. no one is perfect least of all 17 year olds. we should be lifting each other up not pointing out all each other's flaws and insecurities
I think effortless friendship is dead. We have to try harder to maintain IRL friendships and push away the lazy urge to only text when we feel like it and only meet up under perfect circumstances.
It's like any relationship really. It just gets harder as an adult because we have jobs, spouses, maybe even kids etc It feels effortless when we're kids because all we do is hangout (outside school i mean). I find it harder to connect with my friends who have had kids since i dont have them nor want them. Its like people with kids lose their entire personalities once they become parents lol but that's an entirely different topic 😅
Imo I don't think there was ever such thing as "effortless" friendship. Maintaining relationships will always take effort, even if it doesn't feel like it
Honestly, it felt hard when I was a kid because we up and moved. So it feels like it’s never been effortless, so modern friendships randomly ending , just feels different to me for some reason. ADHD doesn’t help.
Exactly, recently I've met with a friend I haven't seen for over a year or 2. was for two months in the city that she was living in on a internship I came home and was tired, running late to meet her so I was calling her that I am gonna be late. And she was like it is ok we can reschedule you sound like you had a rough day. And I was like no I wanna see you now we haven't seen each other so long so I do not care.
It’s less effortless because they don’t have as much time. When I was in college and not working I could see my friends whenever and we always hung out. Now we don’t have time for that!
therapy speak has definitely had a hand in reducing the intimacy and trust in some of my friendships. whenever a friend starts busting out the pop psychology tiktok therapy speak like they've copy-pasted it straight from whatever new influencer they have a parasocial relationship with, i feel like i'm less than human to them. like all they want to do is 'win' this social interaction by being the bestest most purely moral version that they possibly can be, as approved by the current online cultural zeitgeist. and then i'm the fool for wanting to have a conversation about something messy, like grieving for my dead cat or whatever, in a way that isn't morally pure and perfect. like nevermind! guess we're just not going to talk like real people. and the friendship fades out because the trust isn't there anymore. go girl be uncancellable!
When I was younger I didn't really have friends but now that I moved into a different country I think I found my people. I hope for real you find yours too ❤
It's unrealistic. In real life as we got older it's totally normal to only have 1 or 2 very close friends. Four friends counts as a lot of friends. Also sometimes you have 3 closest friends but they're from all different groups
im the opposite bro im a guy and im not rlly in a friend group im friends with everyone but i want a guy friend group so bad. it feels like every other guy in my grade is part of one :/
It feels easier to be a hermit than to have friends. Messaging a person feels like you're inconveniencing them, scheduling a meet up is near impossible because of how busy we are, and being vulnerable with them is "trauma dumping". It takes too much effort to try to navigate all of this, I feel like I've given up.
The fear of inconveniencing them is so true tho! Especially when they take very long time to get back to your messages. You ever feel like you're the only person reacting to your friends' stories but they never do yours? That sums up my social life...
@@aeoligarlic4024 okay i do ur right😣 i put sm effort into friendships coz i value them but those same ppl have lots of other friends too so im just one of many😞 do know tho that taking a long time to reply doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like talking to u some ppl r just shit at checking messages haha
@@aeoligarlic4024yup, and then realizing they never really contact you but they contact each other all the time. It's rough being lonely in a friend group, so being lonely while also being alone feels more appropriate, but now I feel more available to look for new friends in my life 🥺
I know it may seem like that but please don’t give up on friendships that mean something to you. One way to look at the inconvenience issue is simply to look at it the other way. If my friend told me what I’m telling them, would I be annoyed? Most times no. Most times people who love you want to know what’s going on! There is truth to the phrase “no man is an island”. People are made to have community.
@@kelswells omg same!! after graduating college and getting a full time job, it feels so lonely. all my friends have moved away to other states for work and it sucks. I feel like I don't have a third space anymore :(
@@kelswellsAs I get older the less I am willing to tolerate bad behavior. So friends I would have kept back in the day I don't put up with. I am also not where I want to be in live and I'm kind of embarrassed by that. Work is def. Where I have found some great connections and i sold on some used fashion sites and made some friends that way.
I’m 30 and I still feel like maintaining my friendships is so difficult. It seems so easy for others to have large friend groups but I was never apart of them even when I tried. I wish I could let go the ideal of wanting to have that huge friend group I see around me and be more grateful with the few friends I have.
the friendships I had in college felt so shallow and context based. we’d hang out in class and for lunch but then not again. I always felt awkward asking people to hang out because they wouldn’t ask me back. In hindsight I know I was probably too shy and unaware of social cues, but it still hurt. I waited for friends to come but no one ever approached me, and I was never invited to anything. And I’d see mean, gossipy, selfish people in these large groups and it just felt totally unfair. I wish somebody had given me a chance to feel like a fellow woman and not the odd girl out. I get sad knowing I’ll never experience the old timey television female friendship.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Tbh, when i realised that school relationships are mostly proximity-based, it changed my outlook on them. Like i would have never met classmates had we not chosen the same program/major.
If it helps at all, my university friendships felt swallow and context based as well. I loved all my friends. But most of them were super busy, and even tho I had 8 female friends or so, I hung out regularly, outside of uni, only with the 2 of them (separately, not in a group). There were times I felt bitter, and I still feel like I would want a stronger connection, but I also realise that these are friendships too. Without them my social needs would be unmet a whole lot more. So, I do feel like I missed something, but at the same time, I am grateful for what I had
Absolutely the same experience for me in school. My entire major was filled with shallow, mean girls, who would always 'play nice' but never really reached out or cared about building friendships unless they already came into the class with them. It was really lonely. Everyone wants to pretent to be 'not like other girls' when, ironically, the ones who are just legitimately a bit different get iced and very often just want to be welcomed and genuinely incorporated into the group even if they're still not the same as everyone else. :*(
I think a big part of it is also the lack of third spaces. If the only places you can go to hang out with people is somewhere you have to spend money then it adds to the feeling that your relationship is transactional. I agree with the I'll get it next time kind of mentality, which is how I operate with my friends, but given how expensive everything has gotten I can see how having to constantly pay for things every time you go out and the financial strain of it can impact things.
the "don't ask your friend for a ride to the airport" thing has always made me so mad. everyone communicates love differently of course, but for my friend who expresses love via acts of service, I know asking for a ride to the airport is actually the best way for us both to feel loved and appreciated.
That love language shtick is made up by a conservative creep who manipulates his wife into serving him Claiming that his love language is touch and his wife's love language is acts of service. So he can have sex with her while she cleans up after as her 'service'. Also the amount of time and money for a ride to an airport is steep. Most of our friends have more important stuff to do. I'd only ask for a ride that far if they're heading the same way
I feel similarly with this sort of axiom of getting older that gets thrown around of "don't ask your friends to help you move and give them pizza." Why not? Ask me. I love to help my friends? Why wouldn't I help my friends? What kind of friends would they be if they couldn't help me move?
I think that saying should be flipped to something like "If you can't ask your friend for a ride to the airport then they are not actually your friend". Like real a real friend would not see you asking for help as an inconvenience.
I find that whole notion of, "don't ask your friend for a ride to the airport" as a non-immigrant notion. I feel like this favor has been extremely normalized for me that it does not feel draining as most people make it out to be.
I think a big struggle people have in modern day friendships is that they expect friendships to look the same or similar across the board when you’re dealing with unique people with unique personalities, communication styles, intensities, etc. We may look at one friendship or friend group and judge other friendships off of those dynamics and then draw conclusions about those other friendships based on the dynamics of another when that’s not realistic or fair. I have good friends that I’ve known since I was 3-12 years old that I still love dearly - we don’t talk constantly or even much, but we’re always there for each other when needed. My best friends from college and I communicate mostly in reels & memes and rarely see each other in person but when we do it’s like picking up where we left off and we know that we’re still besties. My run club friends I see 2-4 times a week, most of my social life revolves around them and we talk nearly constantly & have group chats, etc. All of these dynamics are very different but I cherish each of them just as much as the next, and what each friendship looks like is unique to the friend and how the friendship works. Seeing each friendship as a separate entity with separate dynamics and expectations both helps you foster more sincere and stable friendships overall but it also takes a lot of the pressure and fatigue out of friendship to not try to standardize the experiences across the board. Letting one friend’s memes stack up because you know they know you’ll read/watch them all when you have the brain space or time to do so while responding more quickly to another because you know they care about your Snapstreak doesn’t mean you’re neglecting one friend for the other or that you’re being a bad friend or that one is less of a priority in your life, only that the two friendships operate differently and you can have varying types of friendships that are equally as strong even if they don’t look the same. Idk if I rambled a bit too much there but the TLDR is that I think we take on pressure to have friendships that look a certain way & that leads to friendship being hard in a way it shouldn’t be.
@@myrtila exactly! Expecting them all to look and operate a certain way not only sets yourself up to be disappointed in your friendships, but it becomes a performance of friendship to an extent to maintain what it “should” be instead of enjoying it as it naturally is. Authentic connection > forced dynamics, don’t burn yourself out for the sake of having a romanticized ideal of friendship.
YES, I had a friend cut me off because she felt we had different ideas of what being a “best friend/sister” was and instead of discussing expectations, she thought it’d be better to just cut me off altogether😅 the straw that broke the camel’s back was that I didnt tell her I owned my property with my husband. In her mind, she thought she should’ve known that as a best friend. In my mind, I don’t think anyone is entitled to my private information, best friend or not. Anyway, I’m hindsight, I think she was a bit neurospicy. But I can’t believe people are willing to toss an entire friendship because that person doesn’t fit into the role they expect them to. Why not just categorize the friendships and accept the level of friendship people are willing to give you? It seems like an easier way to enjoy people’s company without holding them to standards they will most likely miss because…well…those expectations were most likely never communicated…
I completely agree with you because these are my friendship dynamics. They’re going to be different based on in the things you mentioned. And, like all personal relationships, they should be easy. Yes, there will be conflict or disagreements. But they should be easy, respectful, and reliable.
Friendship is not dead!!! Get off social media right now, I'm serious. Find real community, in real life. Somewhere you can be a "regular" and where you start to see familiar faces outside of work without having to put much effort into it. Could be a gay bar if you're queer, or church if you're religious, or community theatre, or a boxing gym, or anything you want... So many people are lonely these days and it's because we all think we can replace real social interaction with social media. It's not the same thing and it never will be.
Girl I am on social media because it didn't work out irl. Sadly not everyone lives in a culture like the US, latin America or wherever it's normal and encouraged to chat people up in public spaces. Also chronic illness, shift working, etc. are very real things that stop people from picking up costly hobbies/activities with a strict schedule. If it was that easy to just get off the internet (many elderly people who have never been chronically online are amon g the lonelinest by the way), we wouldn't have a lonliness epidemic that even some governments want to address.
@@Shirumoon "yeah but what about specific cases where this good thing to do is not possible?" 🙄 This is general advice, there is no such thing as advice that works for everyone.
Legit this is honestly really only an issue if you're chronically online, have severe depression/anxiety, or are someone like an entertainer or ceo. Heck, I'm a buyer. Literally most of the contacts people make with me are them trying to sell me something. I'm not chronically online and have been doing well in therapy though so my actual friendships feel very genuine.
@@Shirumoonelderly people being lonely has a lot to do with how many people they know dying and their family having lives outside of them. That has nothing to do with friendships feeling transactional....
People just want to collect friends or pose with insta baddies who have social capital. It’s not just the dating game that has been rigged, modern friendships are even worse imo.
Stop I literally thought it was normal to make friends with the Instagram badies in talum Because in Toronto the Instagram bodies yeah They’re borderline sociopathic like this one girl made me give all this stuff to her for my mom it was sent to hospice. And then she said you have such an exciting adventure out of you and I was like what are you talking about this is the worst day of my life. Anyways everyone in Tulum was a prostitute
Man, that montage at the beginning struck a deep chord. I really haven’t had that kind of friendship with anyone since my early teens, and it really hurts. I thought I found it in my first year of university, but she turned on me and stabbed me in the back. And then dropped out so we could'nt repair things lol. It really did hurt more than a romantic breakup. I haven't been able to cultivate a close friendship with anybody since, and this is not through lack of trying. There's like this assumption that everybody has their close friends already from their younger years, and they don't need anybody else.
i had to ask my boyfriend to stop responding to texts with “if you want” when i suggest something. he meant it as “yes, i want to do that as long as you also want to do that” but i couldn’t stop reading it as “i don’t care, do whatever you want” even though i KNEW that wasn’t right
If you know that's not what he means, why are you letting him have the power to upset you? This is a fairly textbook cognitive distortion. Whenever you find yourself feeling that way, argue against it. Mock your own idea with a silly voice. Do something to fight against it. Eventually it will become second nature. Then only you will have the power to upset you.
I think his way of responding either way is kind of flawed. Like if you're the one suggesting something to him wouldn't it make sense to implicitly assume you want to do that? Otherwise you wouldn't suggest it? It just sounds needlessly confusing to me.
I'm an autistic woman and it honestly feels like that in itself makes it so hard to connect with other women. It always feels like I'm losing some kind of social game I'm barely aware we're playing.
was gonna say this. I would say women being socialized to obey to very strict and specific social conventions, and the difficulty of unlearning these patriarchal norms, makes them pretty harsh on the women who don't obey these social rules (usually, autistic women). I have heard of many, many autistic women (myself included) that have always struggled forming meaningful and long-lasting friendships with other women. "Stereotypical" female friendships are great but are unfortunately only accessible to those who fit into the standard of what a woman is supposed to be - cishet, neurotypical, into "girly" things, etc (not that fitting into that is a bad thing in any way, just that it is a pretty selective club)
I got pushed away from female friendships when I got ganged up on and called "quirky" for talking about being autistic. I don’t mean to sound like one of those girls like "I'm only friends with guys because girls are too much drama xD" and I know the opposite is true for many women but I feel less pressure to be "normal" with my mostly male friend group and they're more direct (like if I said something that made them mad, they'll be straight up about it, my female friends used to pretend like it was fine while trying to take me down with their underhand)
@@youre764careful of male friends. I have mistaken many suitors for friends and they think they’re openly pursuing me while I think we’re just building a friendship
@@DisabledDoll funny because I always hear people talking about how they don't have male friends because every single one of them tried sleeping with them or something. I don’t know if it's just good luck but it's never happened to me
The best thing i ever did in my mid 20's was accept an invitation to a monthly "wine night" that my best friend from HS began with about 7 other women. The only commitment was that once a month, you showed up at one of our houses and bring a bottle of wine. We've watched eachother get married, have kids, change careers... Now that we are in our 40's it is harder to get together but we have a text thread we are always sharing our lives on with eachother. So now we can share and keep in touch and every now and again we still all get together. We don't talk religion or politics but EVERYTHING else is on the table. They have saved my life so many times. I love them all to this day and we are all totally different from one another. Amazingly, any "gossip" that happens is constructive and comes from a place of concern. It takes effort and practice to be good to eachother, but to have people who accept you for simply being human is priceless. Hang on to your good friends!❤❤❤
Great advice. Especially the "no politics or religion". This used to be considered basic manners, but now everyone seems to think they can "build community" and police all the private beliefs of their friends at the same time. You're not going to find people who share 100% of your values in a RL friend group. You have to be able to agree-to-disagree and still support & care for eachother.
Aren't the kids grown now. It should be easier. It gets harder as you get older, try harder my dear. It not time it's interest and effort. Connection is important for health like exercise make the time
This reminds me of my mom's kitty parties. They make a list of the members and alot them a month. The other members contribute money to the particular member and the member throws them a party. ( Yes there is profit ). Its a nice activity to be more social. All her friends are my friends mom anyway. They go shopping , attend exhibitions , watch movies in theaters together. Man they even did a photoshoot together.
I find the transactional friendship thing very interesting. I’m very much of the mindset that you trade favors- if I’m visiting someone and they’re letting my stay over for free, then I view it as my obligation to buy them dinner or bring a bottle of wine. But that can cause issues when others don’t act the same- I have friends who will stay over for 3 days in my small apartment and never even consider giving my a host gift or do any chores on my behalf. Mismatched expectations creates more problems than either attitude individually
I prefer to call it reciprocal obligation rather than trading favours but I get what you mean. Being in "debt" to each other over small favours can actually be a very beneficial thing as long as no one is getting jealous, lazy, or keeping score too closely. That seems like a lot but with good people it's not hard. You just show up for each other and it tends to even out eventually. Especially when you look at it from an equity based view rather than trying to match like for like. Some people may only be able to give £50 where you give £100, but if it's a real sacrifice for them then it means the same thing.
Yeah that something "in Kind" concept. Sometimes things don't have to be returned in the same monetary value, it can be returned in meaningfulness or time etc too. The key point is people reciprocating the gestures as a token of appreciation for one another
I struggle with this because the expectations can be so specific it ends up excluding people who may have grown up in another culture or don’t get implied social cues and expectations. I try to give freely and not feel to bad about not getting what I expect to receive back. When someone consistently profits off of me without ever giving back I will probably lose interest in the friendship anyway.
Think the transactional side can work well when it's balanced and the expectations are realistic. I've had more than one transactional relationship that became incredibly one sided and complicated because of it. When I was no longer useful to them it fell apart because that was all it was based on.
When people visit me from far away i cover their food since it was more expensive for them to visit me than it was for me to fix up the guest room. They never make a mess though.
Another funny thing is how a lot of this younger generation (which I'm part of) will air out their dirty laundry with their friends on social media as if they're influencers throwing shade when they're not. I remember this back and forth between these two girls and their falling out on tiktok and people on that app and twitter were throwing in their two cents about it. And its like why am I learning the most typical friend drama on social media as if they were famous and not just random girls on the internet 😭
This is so real, and people take it so seriously 💀 They start pulling out the classic Reddit "lawyer up, delete Facebook, hit the gym" and it's all over how two 16 year olds like the same boy or something like shit every teenager goes through lmao
oh yes this, where is the privacy and respect anymore? everyone just seems prioritizing attention than valuable relationships. and then they wonder why people are being nosy when they're the one that started to air their own dirty laundry in the first place and they themselves is the cause of their falling out with everyone. i dislike that nowadays everyone wants to be an influencer, it's a sickness that needs to be studied.
This is also part of the reason for me now where I feel apprehensive to make friends. Imagine people using your secrets on the internet for clout. That’s the most disgusting thing you can do now. I get social media highlight and presenting things but the over sharing is getting out of hand. The weaponizing is ridiculous as well. It now feels like you need to have a nda signed when forming friendships and now it even feels like it enable personality disorders. People get rewarded for acting messy and calling it entertainment and a personality. There isn’t a fine line anymore just people learned you could errase it.
I’m a teacher and one time my whole class (who is not supposed to have their phones) was super distracted. I asked what the tea was and one of my students said that a girl who slept with her friend’s boyfriend (or ex? Idk) made a RUclips video (not an influencer) in response to the rumors and hate she had been getting at school. The worst part was that it was a like a tumblr-esque artsy video and not even a storytime lol. I got home and put it on the tv and watched it with my husband. We both cringed so hard. I am grateful every day that I grew up without tiktok and social media.
I feel like everyone is so far apart now. I'm a very low-effort hangout type of person. Just sit on a couch and chat while something's on tv or going to the grocery store together. Now that i don't live with/near my friends, it's hard to coordinate something like that. On top of that, all my friendships are secondary. Like, all my friends have other friends they care about more, so i'm just not important enough for them to do the work
This is so me. I only have 1 friend that is a 'best' friend and they're moving to another city soon. Every other friendship I've had, I've always been a secondary friend or peripheral friend, like the back up friend that gets invited when someone else flakes out. I don't know what to do about it, it's not like I don't try to be a good friend and be close with people. It's really hurtful to always feel like the afterthought or always have to be the one to reach out first to make plans because they won't reach out to me first.
@@Flawlesslmperfection no fr, like it feels like if i don’t put the effort in, there wouldn’t be any friendship cuz they already dont do anything, they just respond and never initiate, they always have other people they’d do the work for, im just there, and a lot of times i feel like i can’t bring this up to them cuz at the end of the day they r still hanging out with me/having fun but like it’s just the feeling i get… idk
This is so real. Like what happened to just hanging out together watching something? Just chilling together? Just going to buy groceries together. I have some friends, somewhere inbetween acquaintances and friends and its fine, but I meet them once per week tops. And we have to plan. Meanwhile, my bf's best friend and him literally meet to sit on a couch together and chat. Or to buy a tshirt. Or to have a walk. And mind you, these guys live around an hour away (same city, but huge distance). And they manage to do this. Watching their friendship has taught me so many things; mainly that if you genuinely care, you will make and find time. Thats the reality. But in a way this also took the stress of my friendships, because now I accept them for what they are.
The thing that ended most of my friendships was a disability. I don't have an immune system and it's astonishing how many people (including people who've had my back in every other arena of life for 20+ years) are willing to give up everything between you rather than put a mask on to protect your safety. It's heartbreaking. I've never felt so alone.
That's heartbreaking but also implies all of your friends were far-right or on the path there all along and if those are the people you chose to invest in, yeah, of course they will always turn on you.
I feel this so much because why do people act like it's such a big effort to test or mask? It makes us all safer. People would prefer to live in denial about the consequences of their actions than do such a small thing. It makes me feel so alone to know that I am not worth them putting in such a small effort
That sounds tough but it might just be your environment or the people you were friends with. I have a friend with a disability to where she tires very easily, and I’ve never once stopped hanging out with her because she can’t go out as often.
jealousy in a friendship is an insane idea for me. when my ex-friend of 10 years told me she was jealous of my grades and (nonexistent) fashion style I was stunned. like??? all of my friends are pretty and smart and talented and funny and successful in their own ways and I'm just proud of them and happy for them
I once told a female friend of mine that I was jealous of her thighs and ass and she told me she was actually jealous of my boobs and we both realized how silly we were being lol
OMG I WAS JUST TALKING TO SOME PEOPLE ABOUT HOW HARD MAKING REAL FRIENDS HAS BECOME. It is just insane how this came at THE perfect time. Friendship and connecting at this day is just so difficult... and the world feels really shallow and empty and lonely :/
There are plenty of reasons but this is one of my biggest gripes with the pandemic tbh :( No one knows how to socialise normally anymore, no one seems to remember how to be a person. It's really weird to watch as an autistic person especially, as someone who has always been on the side of not really knowing how to be a human. We spend our entire lives learning, masking, figuring out what is expected of us, while a lot these people don't seem to feel the same need. They can be as selfish and two faced as they want, surely? Why should they examine their own behaviour? It's weird to watch them experiencing things analogous to my own experience but reacting COMPLETELY differently
I feel your pain ❤️🩹 give it time. My friendship group loss was about a year ago, and only now was I able to tell my mom about it all, without crying. It still hurts, and I'm definitely lonely, but I'm most certainly healing, and I know you will too, one day ❤️
Sometimes I hear girls describe their friendships and think, "How can you call those women your friends? They're awful." I'm thankful for my two best friends. Meeting them in high school helped me deal with the "ghosting" I got from other women.
Maybe this is the autism talking but the fact that this all considered "normal" is absolutely buck wild to me. If you don't know how someone meant a text...just ask? If someone leaves you on read, just send a "hey just making sure you saw my last message"? If someone did something that upset you, talk to them about it? and in good faith? instead of assuming everyone means the worst? There isn't a secret ulterior motive behind every little thing? I'm not trying to shame anybody who deals with this, I'm just....genuinely baffled, and it makes me glad all my friends are the same way, but also wish that clear communication was a class taught in public schools
I'm also autistic and agree with you but sometimes I have to assume the worst because I'm too trusting. For example, someone sent me a "It's not that deep but ok" text because I refused to do something and gave my reasoning. The text wasn't the problem but it reminded of all the times he used that phrase to guilt trip me into doing something I said no to. I decided to speak to them about it and I explained why I didn't trust him anymore and why I would prefer being more distant with him. They started telling me I was too serious, can't take a joke, and weaponized my trauma and saying im making excuses. Because I felt bad about possibly misreading the text I believed him however I'm just realizing now that it was gaslighting. The only reason I did this is because I noticed he would do the same thing to others, so I just copied him.
There usually is some ulterior motive between every public facing action. Humans are weird and usually pretty gross. Benefit of the doubt is a mistake. Also autistic, in case that matters lol
@@blueorchid5971the amount of times this has happened to me too is insane. it really hurts because you’re just trying to find a level of understanding and the other person just doesn’t get it. ughhhh it’s terrible!! i’m so sorry you’ve had to deal w this too
godddd yeah i feel this, not to be all "ewww allistics blahblahblah" but its wild that being direct with people and telling them how you feel (especially how their actions make you feel) can be met with super negative reactions💀💀. "hey, you said/did something that made me feel bad, i value our friendship so im telling you so that we can work this out" "how dare you attack me like this!! why am i suddenly the bad guy?? why didnt you tell me immediately instead of processing your emotions!!" etc just feels very childish, its like someone always has to be Wrong and Bad in every kind of confrontation or assertion, and it obviously cant be them, so the other person becomes some kind of toxic asshole for communicating and having boundaries
I know it’s a paid sponsorship but ‘It Ends With Us’ is absolutely not a “Girl’s Girl” book. It gives a dishonest portrayal of abuse and Colleen Hoover has proven to not take DV seriously. She tried to make a coloring book based off of ‘It Ends With Us’ and was ok with the movie adaptation being marketed as a rom-com.
It was marketed as a rom com by stupid mean girl Blake Lively😂 Justin Baldoni took the entire topic very seriously and distanced himself from blake and CH and it caused a lot of heat
Sure but also, I think trashy light-reading about dark subject matter, marketed to women, is nothing new. I'm skeptical of taking it so serious. When trashy pulp is marketed to men (like b-tier horror films with rape, or even Gone Girl which starred a man) nobody asks for it to be educational or responsible about the real-life issues it fictionalizes for drama. Not on a massive, sensationalized, 'people think her career should be over' scale like Blake experienced. And I do think there's a sexist double-standard here where male actors are allowed to be unserious in interviews, while a woman like Blake has to be a spokesperson for real life ethics when marketing her goofy pulp drama film. For example, I think a Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Gone Girl coloring book would be received in a different spirit, because nobody is asking for these genre films to be classy and serious about their subject matter. You know?
In college, my friends would ask me for things all the time. I once drove three hours to pick up a friend who tried (and failed) to hitchhike his way to a girl he liked. It made me feel so loved and trusted that people could come to me for even the most inconvenient things. It's like you said, friendships really pick up when you put just a little more effort in eachother. But no one asks me to do things any more. I love doing things for the people I care about, but it's like no one wants to take that extra friendship step to put someone out a bit or possibly volunteer to do something themselves.
@Kagomai15 oh, totally. They did a lot for me. But it never felt transactional, which was what I was trying to say. It was just people doing things for others because they cared about eachother.
I really only have one true friend. Then I have a bunch of acquaintances that I used to know but we’ve moved on with our lives. The friend that I have just became a mother. I really opened up about my feelings about our relationship with her recently. She is the sweetest person I’ve ever met I have to say. Love your videos, Mina!
Also in the only one true friend club!! I get really sad watching shows with strong female friend groups bc I want it so bad haha. But then again, my one friend is such a special connection.
@@kelswells I used to be in the group of having as many friends as possible. But now that I’m not in high school, it is a lot easier to just have one person that I enjoy talking with. I’m also pretty close with my relatives but not as much as to my one friend.
38:40 It's important to consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed in any situation involving a friend. For instance, if you think unfollowing a "friend" on social media isn't a big deal, pause and ask yourself how you'd feel if they did the same to you. Would it still seem insignificant? I once had a friend who constantly complained when others stopped sending her Snapchat streaks, yet a few months after she moved away, she did the same thing to us. Friendships require empathy and self-awareness, it’s about treating others the way you'd want to be treated.
I maintain my friendships (mostly with women, but also with gay men) like I maintain my health. I plan, I stick to the schedules and I make sure to check up on all my friends at least on the bi-weekly. I do not believe in "effortless" anything. Maybe it was possible back in high school, but certainly not when everyone has an ever-growing pile of adult responsibilities to juggle. Having meaningful human interaction takes conscious effort, and that's okay with me.
It wasn’t effortless in high school. I’m genuinely concerned at the cognitive decline in people who seem to be forgetting that back in SCHOOL…. Most friends met at SCHOOL. You know that super planned out, extremely regimented DAILY THING? Daily 8 hour thing? Lmfao. Like yeah the hangouts AFTER SCHOOL seemed easy…. Bc we all had just done SCHOOL. Every day lmfao. Together! So you already know who you like or get on with well from SCHOOL. So sure just grouping together at dismissal and going to get some food or whatever was “easy”
It wasn’t effortless in high school. I’m genuinely concerned at the cognitive decline in people who seem to be forgetting that back in SCHOOL…. Most friends met at SCHOOL. You know that super planned out, extremely regimented DAILY THING? Daily 8 hour thing? Lmfao. Like yeah the hangouts AFTER SCHOOL seemed easy…. Bc we all had just done SCHOOL. Every day lmfao. Together! So you already know who you like or get on with well from SCHOOL. So sure just grouping together at dismissal and going to get some food or whatever was “easy”
@@nataliaalfonso2662 in alot of areas school is required by law, and most kids and teens either hated or felt indifferent about school. Many didn't actuvely choose to go to school 8 hours a day for 5 days a week, that was between parents and the government. Friends just became a byproduct of being forced to attend this sanction. If you're forced to go somewhere almost everyday, then it WILL feel effortless when you inevitably meet someone you get along with. You don't have to plan around events to see them, take time out of a careful schedule, worry about how you're going to be able to make time for them in relation to you're chores or job. You just see them because you're forced to go the same area for 5 days a week for a long time. The amount of effort difference is huge, unless you're in the minority and don't have to worry about finances or other potential adult responsibilities. I'm confused on how people feeling like this is a "cognitive decline."
@@nataliaalfonso2662 And hanging out with people from work doesn't "count" as /real/ friends, because you don't /really/ have anything in common but school is where you just meet the people you'd die for...... I don't really consider work friends close either but school friends were also friends of convivence looking back.
at this point i've had several friendships in which i realize at some point that i'm the only one who actually cares about the friendship. i used to think i was REALLY close to my friends from university because we would literally talk all the time and i could communicate with them and everything. and then i had a months long depressive episode where i stopped initiating conversations with them. NOT ghosting. i just stopped initiating conversations. and none of them checked on me. and then they all dmed me 5 months later on my birthday saying happy birthday and asking when we can call to talk to each other. and i confronted them about how none of them spoke to me for months and they were all like "yeah i'm just a bad texter, but i love you!" and saying shit like "yeah, but i'm a great friend! i love you!" and this is just one example but it keeps happening to me. and what i've realized is everyone wants really close friendships but very few people are interested in actually doing anything about that. people love being my friend because i do all the work. i initiate conversations and hang outs and recommend movies and tv and talk about books and i remind them how much i care about them and everything. and they don't have to do anything. they get to be in an amazing friendship without lifting a finger. it's so easy to receive affection. and then they never give it. no matter how much i communicate, they just never understand that i need more from them as well. that i feel like i'm keeping the friendship together. i have ONE friend who actually gets it. everyone else will just drift away or flat out ghost me or on many occasions even block me and then when i talk to them they'll be talking about how they were a great friend the whole time. which - of course they would think that. everything was fine from their perspective. i was the one doing all the work. i was the one communicating and making sure i understood them and their life and their problems and tried to help them and was always there for them when they needed me. and they were the ones reaping the benefits of having a friend who just does everything. so of course they didn't think anything was wrong. i've genuinely had people who ghosted me for YEARS come back into the dms like nothing happened and then claim they were amazing friends to me the whole time and i'm being a bitch. i know a girl who literally told me AFTER GHOSTING ME FOR FIVE YEARS that she wanted me to be her maid of honour. and when i said we weren't friends anymore she was shocked. idk. i don't think true friendship is dead, but i think the vast majority of people want a "true friendship" without ever doing anything about it. they want that deep connection. they want a best friend. they want someone who will drop everything to help you. but they are simply not interested in ever building that relationship. they just want it to happen. and they don't want to have to maintain that relationship either. they want to be able to vanish from your life for months and for everything to just be the same when they come back regardless of whether that's what you want or not. people want to have no maintenance friendships they never have to do anything for but they still want you to drop everything you're doing the second they need help and they will absolutely fucking never do that for you. i literally have one friend who thinks otherwise. people want to have their cake and eat it too
THIS IS ME OMG but also people who have one or two best friends already don’t feel that need to initiate the convos (so im always the one doing it too) but if they lose those best friends for whatever reason they can’t see that they’ve lost their other great friends from not putting in any effort
Omg I had very similar experiences! You expressed that very well! My solution for my loneliness is being the friend I would've needed. I will forever put my work into friendships and at the and of the day I can at least say that I truly know that I'm a good friend. Asking for more is too much these days... I still hope we can soon see the overall mindset shifting. I see you and I wish you the best ❤
Omg same!! It's absolutely outrageous how people behave, there's not even basic reciprocity. Like it's freaking basic logic that friendship is give and take. The thing that gets me is the people who take and take and drain me without a second thought are often giving themselves... But only to people who treat them poorly, when someone is awesome they take that as a sign they can walk all over them. I mean if you know how much it hurts to be the giver in a one way relationship, why would you behave like the people who made you suffer? Why would you want to become the person who's selfish? I don't get it. Whether or not people acknowledge it, honour and morals do exist as solid enduring concepts of human life.
oh my good i feel understood reading this. as someone who is always there for their friends, I have lost countless friends because of one-sided effort. now, i have less than 5 friends but their quality as a friend is better than having 1 million friends. you're right about people wanting deep friendship but not many would put in effort, they just want to enjoy the benefit of being in one but not doing any works, i learnt that the hard way.
I think especially as a teenager, it's so important to move within your friendships with patience and forgiveness. Like we're both SO YOUNG! Of course we aren't going to completely understand social interactions and relationships perfectly. We can learn and grow together!
I’ve been thinking about this vid on and off since I watched it and I totally agree that friendships usually become closer/stronger in times when one of you is going out of your way to be there or help with something for the other person. And that just makes sense. If someone walks around with the attitude that ‘well if you want me to do this for you, what are you gonna do for me?’ Like people just aren’t going to be very drawn to that. I think part of just being a well adjusted adult is knowing that you’re not always going to get a favor back for the favor you do. And you accept that. And do it anyways. And the people you will end up building relationships are the people who genuinely appreciate the effort and WANT to you know eventually in a natural come abouts sort of way return that favor etc. So much online discourse feels created and perpetuated by people who are just chronically online. If these people were on Reddit we wouldn’t take them seriously… so why do we on tiktok or any other app? lol these people saying this stuff DONT have real friendships imo lol also happy birthday belated bday.. that’s why this is a whatever yt calls the money thing lol 🍰
I HATE Venmo culture. It's only right when someone doesn't have their card or wallet and literally can't pay for something. Then, it's reasonable to expect to be paid/pay someone. Other than that it's so stupid to buy me something then expect me to pay you back. I buy people things ALLL the time not expecting anything.
I think with big parties it’s chill. I’ve done it and other friends have in our friend group of table top gamers. We usually are 7-12 people and it’s easier to Venmo than split the bill hella ways at certain places. Also, some places won’t let you. We are also all college age/ young adult and don’t get drinks so our meals end up all being about the same. Def think it depends on context if it feels transactional
I think sometimes it's just easier to pay with one card and split it yourselves than pay with multiple cards and make the server split the check however many ways. Or like ordering take-out/delivery, buying tickets online, a lot of times it's easier just to pay with one card. Idk I would never like, insist on buying something for someone who's capable of paying for it themselves and then make them pay me back for it? Like... do people actually do that?
I had a very co-dependent friendship breakup about 7 years ago and I still dream about her regularly. It was a long, confusing healing process. Even though I’m honestly very glad she’s not in my life anymore, she’s still very much in my psyche because of all the history and things that will subconsciously remind me of her.
@@riotgrrrl8807 maybe it could be that I have never had a partner who was that best friend to me. So I don’t know what it would feel like to lose a soulmate like that. But also.. I value my female bonds. It hurts a lot to see them end. That doesn’t mean I value romance less.
@@Bamgeutcutiepie I'm sorry to hear that. I think it's best not to see romance and friendship as mutually exclusive, but it's not your fault of course if you've never experienced it like that. I wish you all the best 😊
I’m always scared of losing my best friend, we just had our 10th friendship anniversary and this is the longest, most consistent friendship I’ve ever had. It terrifies me to imagine losing her and I’ve really forced myself to grow as a person to not self-sabotage the relationship into ending prematurely.
Sometimes it's nice to reframe the friendship. Instead of being there always you can just hang out sometimes and be less sad about the lack of reciprocity but still have someone nice in your life. :)
I'm in my 60s and have lived in multiple countries so I have a lot of different experiences. I would say that Europeans see friendship as an investment where your friend's success is your success so you actively help each other reach goals. In contrast, Americans see friendship as a service that I'm providing to someone. Every invitation to a movie or restaurant is negotiated to something they prefer. People dont see the PERSON as the main event and will pass on the invitation unless it's exactly to their liking. I feel that I'm providing companionship, not friendship, and that the activity is more important than me.
That's crazy I lived in nine different countries and I feel Europeans see friendships as acquaintances and never care about the person but just you being a one hour meeting for them to let out stuff they can't to their partner. I find Europeans heavily based on romantic relationship being the only relationship you need. While Americans , Latinos and Chinese people are way more about deepness and opening up and having a proper relationship as friends
Seeing someone's "online status" can for sure be hard. Especially when you see your friend group online interacting, and you're outside of it. It's easy to feel "Other" or ostracized. Or knowing your friend is online but not responding/reaching out to you when they've expressed wanting to talk. I attribute that to my last major friendship breakup. 4 years later and I have a more aquantences, a and smaller friendpool, but those connections feel more secure than they did before. Although, I am terrified of making new connections.
One time a guy broke up with me irl and he was so cold and callous about it that I would've preferred a text tbh. It's like he only did in in person so he wouldn't feel bad about doing it over text.
I came to my “best friend” in a really dark and isolate/ lonely time, for sanctuary as I had always provided a safe space for her to vent her woes. While at times I might of felt like we spent most dates only talking about herself and rarely was I asked about my life, I still felt honored that she could trust me. Also accepted that maybe we just have different communication styles and social awareness. Well, When I came to her in said dark time, she in response simply said, “you should get a journal”. That was all, it was heartbreaking for many reasons. Not only did it make me feel further alone but it made me feel uncomfortable that after all these years of comforting her and worrying about her, she couldn’t reciprocate. I also felt awful that if she may of possibly been emotionally unavailable, she couldn’t at the very least communicate that. And then, If I possibly did something wrong, after so many years of friendship, I wish she would have told me because I would have wanted to correct it. Not once in my life before that moment did I think negatively about her and then suddenly I felt like I didn’t know her at all. I felt as though a gave so much and was just left empty handed. I eventually had to just accept that maybe she just didn’t feel connected to me anymore and didn’t know how to break it off. I will never know but it definitely has made me feel emotionally exhausted and a bit untrustworthy. I guess I just expected at the very least, honesty, even if it was harsh or uncomfortable.
Sorry you went through that. This is one of the cons of being the therapist friend. Atleast you know now about how one sided a friendship can be when you are the support person. I went through something similar and it made me realize the unhealthy dynamics I sought in friendships. I had a “fixer” mentality and thought my value as a friend was being someone who could “help” people with their problems & be there for them. There’s not wrong with this generally, but when your friendship dynamics most consist of one person complaining or venting, and the other listening & providing advice, the dynamic can get codependent and unhealthy. I learned my lesson from the last friendship breakup. People who value you as their therapist, don’t value you as an actual friend, therefore don’t know how to actually be one. It’s a tough lesson but definitely worth it in the end. Wishing you the best as you move forward.
@@worm-bri I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s now been a few years for me and while through the years I have felt a variety of ways, i’m now in the acceptance phase. Sometimes you just won’t get closure, and that’s ok. Hopefully at the end of the day you can walk away knowing you put your best foot forward and can now better establish within yourself the amount of effort you require from a friend.
@@SS-cu8se Totally, in retrospect, I absolutely fell under a sort of “therapist friend” category. Now after years of revisiting that situation and studying it. I have definitely been able to take note of habits and characteristics in other people and myself. Now i’m in my 30’s and it’s much harder to make friends due to working and home life becoming more complex but when the next friend comes along hopefully i’ll be able to establish healthier boundaries. Best of luck to you too!❤️
That sounds so similar... my closest friend last year ghosted me and stopped being friends and genuinely was angry at me (i know it makes no sense) for reaching out to her in a dark time when i thought she was a safe person. I had been there for her, literally nursed her through breakups for months, was the therapist friend...i also didnt mind because i felt honoured with the trust she had in me. But when i reached out one night and called her becsuse i needed support...she became angry, cold and has ghosted me ever since
Ugghhh this is so true. The scourge of modern girl-friendships. the unanswered texts, the bailing, the not finding time to meet up... Just had a friend stand me up and leave me hanging for two hours, then apologize profusely in recorded messages, because apparently a different friend had held her up and used my friend's baby as reason to keep her from leaving. At the end of the day, we gotta be patient and be able to forgive to keep friendships over a long time
This relates to one of your previous videos about the "third place". Friendships have already become harder over the years because of individualism and the rise of "self-care", and ALSO - we don't have a "third place" anymore which makes it even harder to schedule time to meet up with friends. every meet-up with friends feels so purposeful and so planned, the effortlessness of "hey im coming to your place let's chill together" just doesnt happen anymore it's sad
As I've gotten older, I have understood a little better that there are different approaches to friendship. Some people are happy with an occasional text, some want quality time (that's me), some want little favours back and forth. I dont always get it right, and sometimes it hurt that a person I want to spend more time with is just an occasional friend type, but it's worth preserving a relationship with a good person instead of just trying to force a type of friendship you want.
Women NEED female friendships in their lives. Yes, female friendships can be complicated and emotional, but at the end of the day, having those girlfriends who get you and are there for you when life goes south, that is the best part of life. All relationships need communication and sacrifices to survive, especially female friendships cause you gotta beat that overanalysing part that can ruin such a wonderful thing as that. So go tell your girls you love em and do all the crazy shit you like
also! never discredit having friendships with older women! sometimes that older lady at your work will have the best lessons and words of wisdom to pass on to you :)
I don't think gender is that important for most people. Me and most other people I know have both male and female best friends and neither of them are better than the other. You can have your opinions and preferences all you want! I just think it's misleading to say we NEED them
@@youre764 of course, one does not exclude the other, frienship is important no matter the gender. i also have both male and female bffs and imo having a girl friendgroup is a different experience. but youre right my first sentence was a bit aggresive, its completely okay if you dont have female friendships, everyone has their own cycles, im not saying you cannot live without them:)
@@refillpan YES! Through my political activist groups I have encountered so many older women and I love having them as friends. Like they are 10-15, some even 20 years older than me, but they are so real and raw. I love this. It also makes me feel so proud that they deem me "good" enough to be their friend. Their wisdom and patience is unparalled.
i just ended multiple friendships because i felt as if i had been putting in that "work", like expressing my gratitude, being ready to make lunch just in case they were hungry and always being ready to listen to their problems while i felt as if they would never do that for me. i think some people like the idea of true friendship but don't know how to keep or even earn one.
i crave for a genuine female friendship so badly. in the past they have always been disrupted by a man & resulted in zero communication & closure. But it’s so hard as a 21 almost 22 yr old to make friends. i commute to college, & with technology nowadays many people do not interact or want to talk. its definitely hard.
i feel its hard to maintain a friendship nowadays especially because of social media- seeing a friend who claims theyre too busy or broke yo hang out wuth me and then look at their stories eating out with someone else. the whole trauma dump thing, now tou cant even tell your friends how you feel without "burdening" them- when isnt that what friendship is about, support?
This is such a good topic. Ive always questioned the depth of my friendships and stopped talking to them to see if they would ever reach out by themselves. Some do, and some surprisingly don't, unfortunately. But I love the friendships that are made from both ends, and we can stop talking for ages and still act like we met up yesterday
i think that not every friendship needs to be deep, the ones you make in a workplace or at school are often transactional because you need to maintain them to fit in a place. it's just important to be able to tell different types of relationships apart to manage your expectations. value the people in your life who you love and trust. if somebody rejects you or doesn't reach out, it's not your fault. that just happens sometimes.
@amelia-lr8zb that makes so much sense. Thank you I guess i just wanted to make strong connections tho it may not happen with everyone which makes sense
Friendships need proximity, that’s why most of the time we become great friends with school and work people, but after you move around and especially if you work online, it becomes hard to form and maintain deep meaningful relationships. I also agree about inconveniences, a friendship solidifies through sacrifice. It’s a very dramatic statement, but only through acts of service you reveal enough of you character to others. People also need to stop thinking about themselves so much. If you work under constant assumption your friends all hate you, it’s an extremely mean view to take about your surroundings, not to mention the very pinnacle of navel gazing. Like get over yourself and just assume people talk to you because they like you.
I don't agree re proximity. I'm an introvert and also my few close friends live in different cities/countries. What friendships need is consistency and effort - keeping in touch and visiting when you can.
I once maintained a friendship for a few weeks with someone I actually didn't like, because she was guilt-tripping af (with someone I met on a dating app who was actually looking for friends and listed some common interests so I went with it....didn't go well.) I was so relieved to have a guilt-free reason to drop the interaction when I moved to a new city, which I would have done anyway, but it really changed my whole experience of thinking that all my friends secretly hate me. I didn't even hate this person, just found them to be self centered and not ever really let me have space in the conversation but used their mental illness and abandonment trauma to keep me from further harming them, after attaching insanely quickly, and......yeah no one would voluntarily spend their free time with someone they didn't like for very long, it /sucks/.
it’s so hard finding genuine female friendships :( i feel like others view friendship as a competion of some sort or how u mentioned jealously and it just makes me sad!! ALL I WANT IS COMMUNITY AND CONNECTION
genuinely crying because the talking points in this video really hit me! especially in the end! thanks for the video! it's helping me process a lot of stuff. i had two friendship breakups with long term friends last year. it generally summed up to me trying to have a serious heart to heart but i didn't like how their responses and how they tried to resolve it felt so cold to me, even when i tried to call them over it so i could actually hear them... so I left! it still hurts. am crying about it rn. but that's just how it is i guess.
i think that people idealize friendships, not allowing other people to be anything other then what we expect of them. we are less accepting in a way, which in turn makes us not accepted as well. also we normalized having a thousand close friends as if thats possible … i love your videos! hugs from brazil 🇧🇷
I find it hard to meet people I genuinely connect with and irregardless of gender and various factors - it’s a struggle to even keep friendships going. I’m an all in kind of friend, and after a lot of putting myself/effort/thought/love into friendships (sometimes years) and going through some real hardships the last couple of years - I’ve had to pull back. And it’s amazing how one sided you find out some friendships truly are. Idk if I’d even call them friendships. Transactional seems about right, even at an emotional level. As a result, I’ve focused more on myself the last while. Things in my life are looking up. And maybe I’ll make new bonds that are rewarding and have good communication - not confusing. I wonder if it’s a sign of my age group (late 30s) and the life stage we are at - the changes that we face are just different and more consuming so some are more likely take friendships more forgranted? Marriage. Kids. Divorce. Income. Outgoings. Work. Healthcare. Mental health. You know just the never ending things to do and think about. The stakes are higher because there’s more to juggle and maybe it’s not carelessness that results in friendships faulting. But other transactions that take away from the energy we have to invest in friendship or even community.
Girls are taught from a young age to "be nice" and communicate in a very indirect and non-useful way, and i.m.o. this harms female friend-groups and friendships big time later on in life. I desperately wanted female BFFs when I was a teenager, but I'm naturally a very "direct communicator", you could say I communicate like a man, and this often went wrong in female groups :S. I wish there was more focus on communication in general in schools. We have to learn how to write grammar and official documents, but not very important day-to-day communication. E.g. how to resolve an argument in a respectful way.
I hate that a lot of people will cutt off their "toxic" friends, are they toxic just because they have made some minor mistakes and still learning and growing up?? it's our first life and it's okay to get hurt from people around us no one is perfect, we keep hurting each other while learning, the most important thing is that we acknowlege each others feeling. the most friendships I value today are the ones that I had conflicts in and hurted each other because we saw the ugly side for one another. I might be misatken and regert this years later but I'm comfortable with it now
It really depends on the severity of the behavior. There are some people I could never look at and appreciate the same way again after witnessing the level of disrespect. These are people who were very, very bad for my mental health and my life is much better without them in it. I have many other long lasting friends who make mistakes, sure, but their behavior was much less malicious, hurtful, or damaging to my mental health than those I have cut off.
Finances in relationships are troubling and tricky. That section of the video made me feel a bit bad (in a thoughtful way); treating someone "like a bank" is a good way to describe it, even when you're trying to pay someone back and make things right... but they just don't want you to, because they want it to be a gift or to provide for you. It's so hard!! I loved this video and it also made me think hard about the friendships where I need to have a serious talk (unrelated to money). I'm not sure if I have the confrontation in me. But it probably is the mature thing to do. A lot of hurtful things slide when you don't communicate it. The problem is when you wait too long and before you know it, you're really angry and fed up because you swallowed too much without realizing you were approaching an event horizon. Though I guess it's not unrelated to money if feeling like I owe somebody for a gift keeps me from being able to tell them I feel angry or disrespected about something else.
I'm chronically online, introverted and in my late 20s, but when I started a master's degree I was lucky enough to really hit it off with some of the other girls in my cohort. No competition between us, academic or otherwise. We graduated, but we meet up regularly as a group, and I see them individually almost weekly, and we talk on our WhatsApp group chat all day, every day. They've saved my life many times. I think the key is that we put our egos aside and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with one another, and that requires a lot of trust. Understanding each other's differences is also really important, but truth is, the fact that we all have pretty similar lifestyles and worldviews has made us closer as a group. I consider myself blessed. If I've learned anything, it's that adult friendships require you to actually think and behave like an adult. You can't act like an insecure teen and expect other women to want to befriend you.
I needed this video. I'm dealing with losing two friends so hearing your take on friendship was really helpful. That very ending quote from your mom was pure gold.
As a guy who has always struggled to maintain male friendships, I think this transactional nature of friendship is part of it forsure. But also a lot of guys arent willing to fully open up and I'm a very sensitive and emotional dude so I'm kinda always at odds with a lot of my guy friends who just want to play video games or drink and not talk until they're 6 shots into the night. It kinda makes me sad that overt masculinity has made maintaining male friendships harder even tho we all want to have a plethora of friends
Because on the opposite side I've always been able to maintain female friendships much more. But its also hard to be the guy friend when a lot of my girl friends have bfs and they get very jealous or upset and so those friendships slowly fade away. Luckily I have a core group of people I love and I see at local shows and art events. The girlies are awesome!
As a 40+ year old woman, some of this is fascinating to me, as some of these problems didn't even exist in my teens or early 20s. I feel so blessed to have ongoing friendships that began before social media and smartphones were even a thing. My unsolicited advice, find your people, set your boundaries, and put in the effort. If you only text once a week, or once a month, set that expectation at the beginning. Tell your friends you love them, and be there for them. Build those bonds, and they stay strong. Good luck, everyone!!
Happy Birthday! And wow! So much to chew on in this video. As I approach my 30s I've definitely noticed that my friendships have ebbed and flowed across jobs, places I've lived, and changes in my life. I think the notion of "life-long" friends is a lovely Hollywood idea, but the reality is more complicated. The lack of non-internet social life has made us forget the art of the "acquaintance" friend and how to just...be sociable. Rather than just a few intense, continuous soul-mate friends, you get to experience so many wonderful new people and experience different sides of yourself through these friendships, no matter how long or short they may be!
In my almost 27 years, only in the last year have I had a friendship that feels pure and solid and caring and completely free of transaction. I think it’s just a lot more rare to find
This video feels like a reassuring pat to the head, a reminder that it's totally normal to have conflicts and fallouts in friendships. For years, I felt like there's something wrong with me because it seemed like everyone else had some form of long term friendship when I can't even maintain a regular friendship for more than a few months at a time. Friendships are hard and complicated, and it's very easy for me to forget that.
i'm so lucky to have solid female friendships ❤ friend breakups are underrated in how painful they can be, fr. experienced one last year (i was 32) and it sucked
The biggest challenge I find is that since the pandemic it feels like people see get togethers as a chore, as if the only way to relax is to be alone at your house. I even remember a fad from a few years back lots of memes that treated being introverted and asocial as super special and cool and that if you loved your special introverted flower of a friend you wouldn't care that they cancelled plans last minute because that's self-care. Obviously you can have a crappy week at work and just want to veg out, but any good friend would happily switch dinner plans to takeout and sitting on the sofa plans. I took can find social interaction and outings to be tiring, but I also know that I sit at home alone because inaction is easier than putting myself out there. It's made it hard to maintain friendships when everyone seems to be in the same boat, but they don't ever come out unless they're asked to leave the house. It leaves me with lots of friends that I enjoy being with, who say they enjoy being with me, but who never make the first move, which leaves me doubting whether I actually have friends at all.
Introvert as well, my instinct is always telling me to cancel plans and stay home and sometimes I do it, but when I don't, I feel a need being nourished, and yeah, it's hard to nourish your needs, esp the ones that take work, when they've been neglected but that's part of the reason it's so hard to get over that hump, that's part of why your energy levels are so low, it's the exact same logic as to why exercise is hard to get started and costs a lot of energy but increases your energy in the long run, social interaction is like that too, even for introverts.
all the male friends i had in college were horrible to me. the only one that was extremely kind and a good friend ended up coming out as trans mtf years later. i only had female friends in high school. and now my only friend is my ex boyfriend and a woman i met through him. i literally have zero other friends and I'm so extremely lonely and scared I'll never find an actual best friend. i have to start all over and try to meet new people at 30. why would anyone want to give me the time of day? when any sensible 30 year old probably already has plenty of friends and family and doesn't have room for me in their life.
There's a lot of over 30 year olds looking for friends too, I notice that many make friends in fandom spaces and doing things like playing tabletop or joining groups.
Everyone is more or less lonely, many people don't have that big of a social group at 30, many people are single and living in a town where they moved to a couple years ago, so with probably no family around. I think it's hard to make new friends as time passes but also you have to accept to meet new people and also accept you'll have to go through the uncertainty of them sticking around enough to see if they enjoy your company in a deeper way (the same applies to you, you are allowed to choose). I've been on a quest to find new people to hang out with, and what I do is tell my intentions to people I meet that I find cool, I tell them I'd like to try to hang out more as I want a larger social group and shared activities, and then people that accept are usually the ones that share similar wishes. And in those people, with time you find out who are the ones that you like more and that also like you more. It takes time but it's worth it. You can't expect to find a best friend easily, but you can find nice people, and time will tell what happens. ps : there are so many clubs for so many different interests (boardgames, gardening, whatever), just go to one that organises events with things you enjoy doing and see what happens
People used to have a lot more quiet, empty places in their brain, so that they welcomed contact with others. Despite living alone, I get so much distraction and entertainment by being nearly constantly online, I just never feel a need for people irl. I kind of regret ever getting into online life.
last year, my best friend since middle school ghosted me, she had major changes in her life and i gave her some space thinking she was just going through a lot and then i reached put to see what was really going and found out she didn’t like me very much. i still miss her, i would’ve loved a joe jonas phone call instead of fighting over text but it turns out it hurt more than a heartbreak, i lost a 10 year old friendship and i do believe we as humans don’t talk about loosing friendships and accepting it.
I love the texting etiquette guide. As an AuDHD lady, I love clear communication (within reason). Also I haaate being tit for tat financially with people. Tottally sympathetic if ppl feel stressed about money, but one time a friend asked if I wanted to take a cab with her so I did. Later she asked me to split the cost through the app, which isnt unreasonable, it just surprised me. I would not have taken that ride if I wasnt specifically invited to join "her" ride.
it’s hilarious you used that key & peele sketch because i just wrote a paper about that sketch for my anthropology class!!!! lol it was about like how linguistic style and non-linguistic symbols contribute to communication and how text messaging can cause misinterpretation. also happy birthday!!!!!
A lot of people are adding really good points here and I don't think I have anything new to add. I do find it fascinating how even though most people (of all ages) know that we're in a loneliness epidemic, it hasn't become easier to make friends. Self awareness, for me at least, feels like less of a strength as i try to navigate why the folks i try to befriend seemingly want nothing to do w me- no matter how easy i can make hang out opportunities available for them. It's hard not to internalize all the rejection. So many things that were glamourized in my youth couldn't be further away from the reality I/we live in today. Gotta love those nuances, haha.
Great video, love the discussion and the sourced articles. Although you totally missed out on Taylor Swift suddenly hanging out with Sophie Turner right after her divorce announcement to Joe Jonas. The opening was right here! And it definitely was on theme (friendship displayed to communicate something publicly)
I barely get any notifications on my phone and it causes me a lot of depression. The only ones I do seem to get are from brands or politicians. And now I’m dming a guy on Instagram and overthinking everything he says 😂
I think the venmo/transactional aspect also highly depends on culture. Here in the Netherlands, we will ask for 2 euro via tikkie (dutch venmo) and not think anything of it. Also "going dutch", or paying for your own part has been done for many generations here, that's why its even a term in englih (i think) furthermore, we have such a honest and straightforward culture, that when you say you should hang out again, people will expect to hang out again
i got really into stoicism a year or so ago, and the affect it had on my personal relationships is the biggest thing ive noticed. relinquishing the illusion of control over my friends and family actually gives me space to see that everything isnt about me. things i used to be very insecure about that would lead to problems in my friendships have become non-issues when i realize that most things arent that deep (or personal) and the world doesnt revolve around just me. this has made me a lot more relaxed and understanding towards my friends and makes it much harder to view my relationships as transactional! all i can control is how i act and treat people, so now i focus on that instead of worrying what people think of me or if they like someone else more. its been really freeing honestly and i have a much better grip on who i am as a person which was always something i struggled with in friendships! seeing friendships as transactional will have you acting crazy because you're trying to "prove your value" to make someone like you or see you a certain way, which can lead to super inauthentic relationships.
i'm 20 and i've kept in touch with every friend in my life, in some way (or we mutually lost touch). i just had my first real friend breakup and wow they suck!! this video taught me a lot, thank you :)
The whole thing of " networking " is also an issue as well because its saying you need to befriend people on order to gain something. Its so ingenious. I shouldn't become friends with someone for a climb up the ladder .
tbh after losing contact with my 12-year-old frienship I find it so hard to trust others, specially girls. my current roomie is a very sensitive girl so I try to be very careful not to say things or reveal things that might upset her. I also try to not reveal things about myself bc I'm afraid she might tell other people. we've lived for a year now and I don't think she knows the real me... I just think after losing my best friend I will never know true female friendship again
@rainycat173 i feel similar, in that i find it difficult to trust others now. through past experiences and recently losing contact with a long time friend as well, i've given up on finding true female friendship. i wish the best for you :)
Jealousy and especially, dishonesty, kill friendships. I always try to be honest and clear about my feelings towards someone or something, so that they’re not left to their own assumptions. I would much rather have someone say they hate my guts to my face, instead of overthink about why they’re not talking to me anymore like they used to or why the vibe suddenly switched.
I had the classic best friend growing up. We were besties for over 10 years up until graduating from college. Then she grew more and more estranged and off-handedly told a common friend she just “couldn’t” referring herself to me. I was heart broken and have never quite gotten over it. Friendship break-ups are the worst, especially when you have no idea wtf happened. I wish she could’ve at least told me she wasn’t vibing anymore. I wish she had given me a chance to be a better friend, if that was what was happening you know?
I think it's really interesting how dealing with money on outings differs so much depending on where you're from. I'm from a Argentina, a country with an economic crisis and constant high inflation, and this whole 'I will pay for you now, then you pay for me next time' thing is not really something we do because it would be unfair to the person who is paying on the next hangout. Also, expecting someone to round up the number and not pay exactly what they owe you, I think, is quite rude and inconsiderate of the other person's economic situation. Settling a debt is not frowned upon as transactional, it's seen as transparent and respectful.
I'm from Austria, where it seems to be more common to keep your friends from school and maybe university more or less forever. (Might just be my perception, but it's definitely the case for my parents, my friends parents, and most other people I know like my 50 year old boss who just went on a trip with his elementary school homies with who are still his closest friends, soo...). I'm only in my early 20's, but my one best friend I've known since I was three, the other since I was 10. I've obviously made friends since and fallen in and out of touch, but I'm really grateful to have my two girls, who know everything I am and everything I've ever been and who will always be there.
I think the problem with female friendships is the same problem with a lot of romantic relationships: if you romanticize something and put it up on an unattainable pedestal, it's never gonna work. the messy human side of things needs to be there in any relationship.
"Men are April when they woo, December when they wed. Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives."
- Shakespeare
@@emilyonizuka4698 true, especially with all these stupid videos about 'trauma drumping' makes people refrain from talking about themselves and catching up
My friend had to told me that it's okay to talk about myself and share what's going on in my life. That made me realize that my friends didn't know much about me bc i kept things to myself
@@aeoligarlic4024trauma dumping is meant to refer to when people mindlessly dump all their trauma on someone who doesn't want to hear it. Not when they're okay with talking about it
This part!! It's so frustrating to me!!
I'm a femme and my ex bestie was too. We were super close and she dissed my husband so I told her that was really out of line.
So instead of moving past it together she said I don't want to be friends anymore if I can't be the perfect friend to you and she blocked me on everything.
I talked with her boyfriend about it after and he told me she was annoyed with me for "not listening to her" and he is her fricken boyfriend, so we both know that she has blow ups sometimes...
But my point is that I forgive her and still want to be friends. Friendship isn't perfect because each person is different. How could I expect her to know where all my boundaries lie from when we first meet?
It's not normal for a friend to hand you a guide book on what they think is going too far, or like when you officially become friends with someone you both sit down and go over a list together of rules. That doesn't make sense! And friends change over time!
One of my current besties pisses me off all the time. But when we first met years ago we argued all the time over stupid things and misunderstandings. My husband would have to sit in-between us and translate what one said to the other to stop us from fighting. But since then he's changed a lot as a person and we understand each other better now and get along really well!
I don't have this with all my close friends but at some point you should expect a fight when you get close with someone. Because you don't know what boundaries they have, when you spend more time together, you'll trip over a boundary you didn't see before.
The longer you're with someone the closer you'll get to making them upset at some point because that's how relationships are. There's no guidebook for each individual, maybe a general guide, but not a specific one for each friend. You should expect yourself to be the one to learn and figure out your relationship with hands on experience.
@@aeoligarlic4024that's so sad because I wonder if you never worried about "trauma dumping" to your friends if they would've known more about you and you guys would be closer
i also think the culture of individualism and therapy speak is killing deep close friendships. before the internet, your best friend was who you sat next to in class, and if she fucked up or you fucked up you eventually would work it out. now it feels like any slight mistake even if it’s unintentional makes the other party toxic and you MUST cut them off, so the friendship never grows close because any obstacle and nobody is able to forgive anymore.
In my experience this isn't so much the case in pre existing friendships but in making new friends. I met up with a girl I met online and could tell from the start that she was a rather cold/tough persona which I didn't mind too much until I was about to share the slightest bit of """negativity""" about some minor thing I had going on with my boyfriend. That was the furthest from trauma dumping and I was shook how intensely she cut me off there. I just knew this would never turn into a genuine frienship where we can be vulnerable with each other because that's not something I want to be policed on or wait and fight for.
literally this. people just act like relationships are disposable and it really sucks
Nobody apologizes either and expects the simple passing of time to patch things up. No thanks. The passing of time adds distance and makes it difficult to make amends. If you hurt someone, apologize...it isnt optional. If 99% relationships are net negative for me in the end, I am gonna be extremely choosy with who I consider a friend. And I certainly don't feel guilty about it. If you all got your brains out of capitalist society you might have more mental energy for maintaining friendships. I think a lot of people normally succumbing to people pleasing etc for their social interaction needs have found solace without it on the internet and low quality friends are having a hard time as the decent go hermit and all they can find are equally low quality friends. It is not transactional. Buti f I invest, and you garner, what us the benefit to said friendships? There is none. Quality over quantity. If you are a good friend, I am happy to be one too. Also..most people are just hateful. And I cannot be bothered to listen to it. I find solace in isolation. I was popular when young...it is overrated. Good, honest, true friends are few and far between. Good humans are few and far between. Be better friends and maybe decent people would get out of hermit mode.
too real,, especially as a teenager like none of us are perfect we re all just flawed and growing people who dont really know ourselves. no one is perfect least of all 17 year olds. we should be lifting each other up not pointing out all each other's flaws and insecurities
Nicque Marina has spoken on this, basically we're all terrified of conflict and we don't know how to deal with it 😬
I think effortless friendship is dead. We have to try harder to maintain IRL friendships and push away the lazy urge to only text when we feel like it and only meet up under perfect circumstances.
It's like any relationship really. It just gets harder as an adult because we have jobs, spouses, maybe even kids etc
It feels effortless when we're kids because all we do is hangout (outside school i mean).
I find it harder to connect with my friends who have had kids since i dont have them nor want them. Its like people with kids lose their entire personalities once they become parents lol but that's an entirely different topic 😅
Imo I don't think there was ever such thing as "effortless" friendship. Maintaining relationships will always take effort, even if it doesn't feel like it
Honestly, it felt hard when I was a kid because we up and moved. So it feels like it’s never been effortless, so modern friendships randomly ending , just feels different to me for some reason. ADHD doesn’t help.
Exactly, recently I've met with a friend I haven't seen for over a year or 2. was for two months in the city that she was living in on a internship I came home and was tired, running late to meet her so I was calling her that I am gonna be late. And she was like it is ok we can reschedule you sound like you had a rough day. And I was like no I wanna see you now we haven't seen each other so long so I do not care.
It’s less effortless because they don’t have as much time. When I was in college and not working I could see my friends whenever and we always hung out. Now we don’t have time for that!
"friendships take a little bit of inconvenience sometimes" thank youu
therapy speak has definitely had a hand in reducing the intimacy and trust in some of my friendships. whenever a friend starts busting out the pop psychology tiktok therapy speak like they've copy-pasted it straight from whatever new influencer they have a parasocial relationship with, i feel like i'm less than human to them. like all they want to do is 'win' this social interaction by being the bestest most purely moral version that they possibly can be, as approved by the current online cultural zeitgeist. and then i'm the fool for wanting to have a conversation about something messy, like grieving for my dead cat or whatever, in a way that isn't morally pure and perfect. like nevermind! guess we're just not going to talk like real people. and the friendship fades out because the trust isn't there anymore. go girl be uncancellable!
Oh my god you nailed it. Literally screenshotting to save this in case I ever need to explain it to someone who does this to me again
Hahaha same
you worded this absolutely perfect
Ate
I have morality OCD and these people do not help (/agreement)
I would kill for a female friendship girl group. It gets so, so lonely.
Same. Wanna be friends? Haha
When I was younger I didn't really have friends but now that I moved into a different country I think I found my people. I hope for real you find yours too ❤
It's unrealistic. In real life as we got older it's totally normal to only have 1 or 2 very close friends. Four friends counts as a lot of friends. Also sometimes you have 3 closest friends but they're from all different groups
im the opposite bro im a guy and im not rlly in a friend group im friends with everyone but i want a guy friend group so bad. it feels like every other guy in my grade is part of one :/
Same! Once I had kids, zero friends. Ugh, depressing.
It feels easier to be a hermit than to have friends.
Messaging a person feels like you're inconveniencing them, scheduling a meet up is near impossible because of how busy we are, and being vulnerable with them is "trauma dumping". It takes too much effort to try to navigate all of this, I feel like I've given up.
noo girl😭 with a true friend u shouldn’t feel like any of those things. a person i like messaging me is never inconveniencing
The fear of inconveniencing them is so true tho! Especially when they take very long time to get back to your messages. You ever feel like you're the only person reacting to your friends' stories but they never do yours? That sums up my social life...
@@aeoligarlic4024 okay i do ur right😣 i put sm effort into friendships coz i value them but those same ppl have lots of other friends too so im just one of many😞 do know tho that taking a long time to reply doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like talking to u some ppl r just shit at checking messages haha
@@aeoligarlic4024yup, and then realizing they never really contact you but they contact each other all the time. It's rough being lonely in a friend group, so being lonely while also being alone feels more appropriate, but now I feel more available to look for new friends in my life 🥺
I know it may seem like that but please don’t give up on friendships that mean something to you.
One way to look at the inconvenience issue is simply to look at it the other way. If my friend told me what I’m telling them, would I be annoyed? Most times no. Most times people who love you want to know what’s going on!
There is truth to the phrase “no man is an island”. People are made to have community.
I have been craving female friendships.
Its hard getting older
Yeah I totally agree :( I’ve felt so lonely since finishing school and don’t even know where to begin finding strong female friendships again.
same i have some friends but non that ive gotten to have a superrrr close friendship with and it hurts
@@kelswells omg same!! after graduating college and getting a full time job, it feels so lonely. all my friends have moved away to other states for work and it sucks. I feel like I don't have a third space anymore :(
@@kelswellsAs I get older the less I am willing to tolerate bad behavior. So friends I would have kept back in the day I don't put up with.
I am also not where I want to be in live and I'm kind of embarrassed by that.
Work is def. Where I have found some great connections and i sold on some used fashion sites and made some friends that way.
I’m 30 and I still feel like maintaining my friendships is so difficult. It seems so easy for others to have large friend groups but I was never apart of them even when I tried. I wish I could let go the ideal of wanting to have that huge friend group I see around me and be more grateful with the few friends I have.
the friendships I had in college felt so shallow and context based. we’d hang out in class and for lunch but then not again. I always felt awkward asking people to hang out because they wouldn’t ask me back. In hindsight I know I was probably too shy and unaware of social cues, but it still hurt. I waited for friends to come but no one ever approached me, and I was never invited to anything. And I’d see mean, gossipy, selfish people in these large groups and it just felt totally unfair. I wish somebody had given me a chance to feel like a fellow woman and not the odd girl out.
I get sad knowing I’ll never experience the old timey television female friendship.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Tbh, when i realised that school relationships are mostly proximity-based, it changed my outlook on them. Like i would have never met classmates had we not chosen the same program/major.
If it helps at all, my university friendships felt swallow and context based as well. I loved all my friends. But most of them were super busy, and even tho I had 8 female friends or so, I hung out regularly, outside of uni, only with the 2 of them (separately, not in a group). There were times I felt bitter, and I still feel like I would want a stronger connection, but I also realise that these are friendships too. Without them my social needs would be unmet a whole lot more. So, I do feel like I missed something, but at the same time, I am grateful for what I had
Totally cliche to say but never say never. You've still got time. If it's important to you, keep trying.
Absolutely the same experience for me in school. My entire major was filled with shallow, mean girls, who would always 'play nice' but never really reached out or cared about building friendships unless they already came into the class with them. It was really lonely. Everyone wants to pretent to be 'not like other girls' when, ironically, the ones who are just legitimately a bit different get iced and very often just want to be welcomed and genuinely incorporated into the group even if they're still not the same as everyone else. :*(
@@EyeGlassTrainofMind That's because girls are hivemind creatures. Can't beat biology.
I think a big part of it is also the lack of third spaces. If the only places you can go to hang out with people is somewhere you have to spend money then it adds to the feeling that your relationship is transactional. I agree with the I'll get it next time kind of mentality, which is how I operate with my friends, but given how expensive everything has gotten I can see how having to constantly pay for things every time you go out and the financial strain of it can impact things.
I feel like this is understated
also today is my birthday :-)
happy birthday mina!!
Happy birthday mina!!!
Happy birthday🥳
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! 😍
Happy birthday em! Love from Cali! ❤🇻🇳🇺🇸
The female friendship montage in the intro nearly killed me that was beautiful. Thank you for making that
I even teared up
especially seeing female friendships of every age showing how important it is from childhood to the end of our lives
The Golden Girls are a parable for life.
All credit to my amazing editor charlee!!
@@gremlitahappy birthday
the "don't ask your friend for a ride to the airport" thing has always made me so mad. everyone communicates love differently of course, but for my friend who expresses love via acts of service, I know asking for a ride to the airport is actually the best way for us both to feel loved and appreciated.
That love language shtick is made up by a conservative creep who manipulates his wife into serving him
Claiming that his love language is touch and his wife's love language is acts of service. So he can have sex with her while she cleans up after as her 'service'.
Also the amount of time and money for a ride to an airport is steep. Most of our friends have more important stuff to do. I'd only ask for a ride that far if they're heading the same way
I feel similarly with this sort of axiom of getting older that gets thrown around of "don't ask your friends to help you move and give them pizza." Why not? Ask me. I love to help my friends? Why wouldn't I help my friends? What kind of friends would they be if they couldn't help me move?
I think that saying should be flipped to something like "If you can't ask your friend for a ride to the airport then they are not actually your friend". Like real a real friend would not see you asking for help as an inconvenience.
My mom and grandma always went grocery shopping together and when my grandma passed, my moms friends and I assumed that role
I find that whole notion of, "don't ask your friend for a ride to the airport" as a non-immigrant notion. I feel like this favor has been extremely normalized for me that it does not feel draining as most people make it out to be.
I think a big struggle people have in modern day friendships is that they expect friendships to look the same or similar across the board when you’re dealing with unique people with unique personalities, communication styles, intensities, etc. We may look at one friendship or friend group and judge other friendships off of those dynamics and then draw conclusions about those other friendships based on the dynamics of another when that’s not realistic or fair. I have good friends that I’ve known since I was 3-12 years old that I still love dearly - we don’t talk constantly or even much, but we’re always there for each other when needed. My best friends from college and I communicate mostly in reels & memes and rarely see each other in person but when we do it’s like picking up where we left off and we know that we’re still besties. My run club friends I see 2-4 times a week, most of my social life revolves around them and we talk nearly constantly & have group chats, etc. All of these dynamics are very different but I cherish each of them just as much as the next, and what each friendship looks like is unique to the friend and how the friendship works. Seeing each friendship as a separate entity with separate dynamics and expectations both helps you foster more sincere and stable friendships overall but it also takes a lot of the pressure and fatigue out of friendship to not try to standardize the experiences across the board. Letting one friend’s memes stack up because you know they know you’ll read/watch them all when you have the brain space or time to do so while responding more quickly to another because you know they care about your Snapstreak doesn’t mean you’re neglecting one friend for the other or that you’re being a bad friend or that one is less of a priority in your life, only that the two friendships operate differently and you can have varying types of friendships that are equally as strong even if they don’t look the same.
Idk if I rambled a bit too much there but the TLDR is that I think we take on pressure to have friendships that look a certain way & that leads to friendship being hard in a way it shouldn’t be.
This is so so true! There are different types of friendships. And each one of them meets a different social and emotional need
@@myrtila exactly! Expecting them all to look and operate a certain way not only sets yourself up to be disappointed in your friendships, but it becomes a performance of friendship to an extent to maintain what it “should” be instead of enjoying it as it naturally is. Authentic connection > forced dynamics, don’t burn yourself out for the sake of having a romanticized ideal of friendship.
YES, I had a friend cut me off because she felt we had different ideas of what being a “best friend/sister” was and instead of discussing expectations, she thought it’d be better to just cut me off altogether😅 the straw that broke the camel’s back was that I didnt tell her I owned my property with my husband. In her mind, she thought she should’ve known that as a best friend. In my mind, I don’t think anyone is entitled to my private information, best friend or not. Anyway, I’m hindsight, I think she was a bit neurospicy. But I can’t believe people are willing to toss an entire friendship because that person doesn’t fit into the role they expect them to. Why not just categorize the friendships and accept the level of friendship people are willing to give you? It seems like an easier way to enjoy people’s company without holding them to standards they will most likely miss because…well…those expectations were most likely never communicated…
I completely agree with you because these are my friendship dynamics. They’re going to be different based on in the things you mentioned. And, like all personal relationships, they should be easy. Yes, there will be conflict or disagreements. But they should be easy, respectful, and reliable.
totally agree
Friendship is not dead!!! Get off social media right now, I'm serious. Find real community, in real life. Somewhere you can be a "regular" and where you start to see familiar faces outside of work without having to put much effort into it. Could be a gay bar if you're queer, or church if you're religious, or community theatre, or a boxing gym, or anything you want... So many people are lonely these days and it's because we all think we can replace real social interaction with social media. It's not the same thing and it never will be.
I like going to social clubs for games and crafts
Girl I am on social media because it didn't work out irl. Sadly not everyone lives in a culture like the US, latin America or wherever it's normal and encouraged to chat people up in public spaces. Also chronic illness, shift working, etc. are very real things that stop people from picking up costly hobbies/activities with a strict schedule. If it was that easy to just get off the internet (many elderly people who have never been chronically online are amon g the lonelinest by the way), we wouldn't have a lonliness epidemic that even some governments want to address.
@@Shirumoon "yeah but what about specific cases where this good thing to do is not possible?" 🙄 This is general advice, there is no such thing as advice that works for everyone.
Legit this is honestly really only an issue if you're chronically online, have severe depression/anxiety, or are someone like an entertainer or ceo.
Heck, I'm a buyer. Literally most of the contacts people make with me are them trying to sell me something. I'm not chronically online and have been doing well in therapy though so my actual friendships feel very genuine.
@@Shirumoonelderly people being lonely has a lot to do with how many people they know dying and their family having lives outside of them. That has nothing to do with friendships feeling transactional....
People just want to collect friends or pose with insta baddies who have social capital. It’s not just the dating game that has been rigged, modern friendships are even worse imo.
Social capital is true to describe it. Making new female friends is 100% harder than dating
True, but true friendships are real too.
idk where you guys live everyone i know has real friends
That cancer ghosting is a thing says a lot.
Stop I literally thought it was normal to make friends with the Instagram badies in talum Because in Toronto the Instagram bodies yeah They’re borderline sociopathic like this one girl made me give all this stuff to her for my mom it was sent to hospice. And then she said you have such an exciting adventure out of you and I was like what are you talking about this is the worst day of my life. Anyways everyone in Tulum was a prostitute
Happy Birthday, Senorita Awesome.
why is that so funny stop
😂
HSHAJHDHAIRIWRIERIKSIFJDOUEIOEKSJDD0
I think that the translator did nothing to this.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Man, that montage at the beginning struck a deep chord. I really haven’t had that kind of friendship with anyone since my early teens, and it really hurts. I thought I found it in my first year of university, but she turned on me and stabbed me in the back. And then dropped out so we could'nt repair things lol. It really did hurt more than a romantic breakup.
I haven't been able to cultivate a close friendship with anybody since, and this is not through lack of trying. There's like this assumption that everybody has their close friends already from their younger years, and they don't need anybody else.
😅😅w❤
😊😊😊😊😊🎉😂😊🎉🎉😊
😂😊😊😊😊😊😂😂
😂
Same here..
i had to ask my boyfriend to stop responding to texts with “if you want” when i suggest something. he meant it as “yes, i want to do that as long as you also want to do that” but i couldn’t stop reading it as “i don’t care, do whatever you want” even though i KNEW that wasn’t right
You are 100 percent right. The way we word things is super important.
If you know that's not what he means, why are you letting him have the power to upset you? This is a fairly textbook cognitive distortion. Whenever you find yourself feeling that way, argue against it. Mock your own idea with a silly voice. Do something to fight against it. Eventually it will become second nature. Then only you will have the power to upset you.
@@myself2noone No, thinking like that can turn you into a robot. Say what you mean mean what you say. That's the simple way to put it.
@@myself2noone uh, no, you can ask for something to be reworded because it bothers you. you don’t have to tolerate it.
I think his way of responding either way is kind of flawed. Like if you're the one suggesting something to him wouldn't it make sense to implicitly assume you want to do that? Otherwise you wouldn't suggest it? It just sounds needlessly confusing to me.
I'm an autistic woman and it honestly feels like that in itself makes it so hard to connect with other women. It always feels like I'm losing some kind of social game I'm barely aware we're playing.
was gonna say this. I would say women being socialized to obey to very strict and specific social conventions, and the difficulty of unlearning these patriarchal norms, makes them pretty harsh on the women who don't obey these social rules (usually, autistic women). I have heard of many, many autistic women (myself included) that have always struggled forming meaningful and long-lasting friendships with other women. "Stereotypical" female friendships are great but are unfortunately only accessible to those who fit into the standard of what a woman is supposed to be - cishet, neurotypical, into "girly" things, etc (not that fitting into that is a bad thing in any way, just that it is a pretty selective club)
I got pushed away from female friendships when I got ganged up on and called "quirky" for talking about being autistic. I don’t mean to sound like one of those girls like "I'm only friends with guys because girls are too much drama xD" and I know the opposite is true for many women but I feel less pressure to be "normal" with my mostly male friend group and they're more direct (like if I said something that made them mad, they'll be straight up about it, my female friends used to pretend like it was fine while trying to take me down with their underhand)
Omg totally. How do they just magically know these invisible friendship rules?!?!😅
@@youre764careful of male friends. I have mistaken many suitors for friends and they think they’re openly pursuing me while I think we’re just building a friendship
@@DisabledDoll funny because I always hear people talking about how they don't have male friends because every single one of them tried sleeping with them or something. I don’t know if it's just good luck but it's never happened to me
The best thing i ever did in my mid 20's was accept an invitation to a monthly "wine night" that my best friend from HS began with about 7 other women. The only commitment was that once a month, you showed up at one of our houses and bring a bottle of wine. We've watched eachother get married, have kids, change careers... Now that we are in our 40's it is harder to get together but we have a text thread we are always sharing our lives on with eachother. So now we can share and keep in touch and every now and again we still all get together. We don't talk religion or politics but EVERYTHING else is on the table. They have saved my life so many times. I love them all to this day and we are all totally different from one another. Amazingly, any "gossip" that happens is constructive and comes from a place of concern.
It takes effort and practice to be good to eachother, but to have people who accept you for simply being human is priceless. Hang on to your good friends!❤❤❤
Great advice. Especially the "no politics or religion". This used to be considered basic manners, but now everyone seems to think they can "build community" and police all the private beliefs of their friends at the same time.
You're not going to find people who share 100% of your values in a RL friend group. You have to be able to agree-to-disagree and still support & care for eachother.
Aren't the kids grown now. It should be easier. It gets harder as you get older, try harder my dear. It not time it's interest and effort. Connection is important for health like exercise make the time
@@firandcurly84 you should try 😃
This reminds me of my mom's kitty parties. They make a list of the members and alot them a month. The other members contribute money to the particular member and the member throws them a party. ( Yes there is profit ). Its a nice activity to be more social. All her friends are my friends mom anyway. They go shopping , attend exhibitions , watch movies in theaters together. Man they even did a photoshoot together.
Woaaahh 🤍🤍
I find the transactional friendship thing very interesting. I’m very much of the mindset that you trade favors- if I’m visiting someone and they’re letting my stay over for free, then I view it as my obligation to buy them dinner or bring a bottle of wine. But that can cause issues when others don’t act the same- I have friends who will stay over for 3 days in my small apartment and never even consider giving my a host gift or do any chores on my behalf. Mismatched expectations creates more problems than either attitude individually
I prefer to call it reciprocal obligation rather than trading favours but I get what you mean. Being in "debt" to each other over small favours can actually be a very beneficial thing as long as no one is getting jealous, lazy, or keeping score too closely. That seems like a lot but with good people it's not hard. You just show up for each other and it tends to even out eventually. Especially when you look at it from an equity based view rather than trying to match like for like. Some people may only be able to give £50 where you give £100, but if it's a real sacrifice for them then it means the same thing.
Yeah that something "in Kind" concept. Sometimes things don't have to be returned in the same monetary value, it can be returned in meaningfulness or time etc too. The key point is people reciprocating the gestures as a token of appreciation for one another
I struggle with this because the expectations can be so specific it ends up excluding people who may have grown up in another culture or don’t get implied social cues and expectations.
I try to give freely and not feel to bad about not getting what I expect to receive back. When someone consistently profits off of me without ever giving back I will probably lose interest in the friendship anyway.
Think the transactional side can work well when it's balanced and the expectations are realistic. I've had more than one transactional relationship that became incredibly one sided and complicated because of it. When I was no longer useful to them it fell apart because that was all it was based on.
When people visit me from far away i cover their food since it was more expensive for them to visit me than it was for me to fix up the guest room. They never make a mess though.
Another funny thing is how a lot of this younger generation (which I'm part of) will air out their dirty laundry with their friends on social media as if they're influencers throwing shade when they're not. I remember this back and forth between these two girls and their falling out on tiktok and people on that app and twitter were throwing in their two cents about it. And its like why am I learning the most typical friend drama on social media as if they were famous and not just random girls on the internet 😭
This is so real, and people take it so seriously 💀 They start pulling out the classic Reddit "lawyer up, delete Facebook, hit the gym" and it's all over how two 16 year olds like the same boy or something like shit every teenager goes through lmao
oh yes this, where is the privacy and respect anymore? everyone just seems prioritizing attention than valuable relationships. and then they wonder why people are being nosy when they're the one that started to air their own dirty laundry in the first place and they themselves is the cause of their falling out with everyone. i dislike that nowadays everyone wants to be an influencer, it's a sickness that needs to be studied.
This is also part of the reason for me now where I feel apprehensive to make friends. Imagine people using your secrets on the internet for clout. That’s the most disgusting thing you can do now. I get social media highlight and presenting things but the over sharing is getting out of hand. The weaponizing is ridiculous as well. It now feels like you need to have a nda signed when forming friendships and now it even feels like it enable personality disorders. People get rewarded for acting messy and calling it entertainment and a personality. There isn’t a fine line anymore just people learned you could errase it.
I’m a teacher and one time my whole class (who is not supposed to have their phones) was super distracted. I asked what the tea was and one of my students said that a girl who slept with her friend’s boyfriend (or ex? Idk) made a RUclips video (not an influencer) in response to the rumors and hate she had been getting at school. The worst part was that it was a like a tumblr-esque artsy video and not even a storytime lol. I got home and put it on the tv and watched it with my husband. We both cringed so hard. I am grateful every day that I grew up without tiktok and social media.
@nittyarizza i mean its drama between kids, what did you expect?
I feel like everyone is so far apart now. I'm a very low-effort hangout type of person. Just sit on a couch and chat while something's on tv or going to the grocery store together. Now that i don't live with/near my friends, it's hard to coordinate something like that. On top of that, all my friendships are secondary. Like, all my friends have other friends they care about more, so i'm just not important enough for them to do the work
omg this is exactly what's been going on with me and it hurts, i don't know what to do about it
This is so me. I only have 1 friend that is a 'best' friend and they're moving to another city soon. Every other friendship I've had, I've always been a secondary friend or peripheral friend, like the back up friend that gets invited when someone else flakes out. I don't know what to do about it, it's not like I don't try to be a good friend and be close with people. It's really hurtful to always feel like the afterthought or always have to be the one to reach out first to make plans because they won't reach out to me first.
@@Flawlesslmperfection no fr, like it feels like if i don’t put the effort in, there wouldn’t be any friendship cuz they already dont do anything, they just respond and never initiate, they always have other people they’d do the work for, im just there, and a lot of times i feel like i can’t bring this up to them cuz at the end of the day they r still hanging out with me/having fun but like it’s just the feeling i get… idk
literally
This is so real. Like what happened to just hanging out together watching something? Just chilling together? Just going to buy groceries together. I have some friends, somewhere inbetween acquaintances and friends and its fine, but I meet them once per week tops. And we have to plan.
Meanwhile, my bf's best friend and him literally meet to sit on a couch together and chat. Or to buy a tshirt. Or to have a walk. And mind you, these guys live around an hour away (same city, but huge distance). And they manage to do this. Watching their friendship has taught me so many things; mainly that if you genuinely care, you will make and find time. Thats the reality. But in a way this also took the stress of my friendships, because now I accept them for what they are.
The thing that ended most of my friendships was a disability. I don't have an immune system and it's astonishing how many people (including people who've had my back in every other arena of life for 20+ years) are willing to give up everything between you rather than put a mask on to protect your safety. It's heartbreaking. I've never felt so alone.
That's heartbreaking but also implies all of your friends were far-right or on the path there all along and if those are the people you chose to invest in, yeah, of course they will always turn on you.
I feel this so much because why do people act like it's such a big effort to test or mask? It makes us all safer. People would prefer to live in denial about the consequences of their actions than do such a small thing. It makes me feel so alone to know that I am not worth them putting in such a small effort
That sounds tough but it might just be your environment or the people you were friends with.
I have a friend with a disability to where she tires very easily, and I’ve never once stopped hanging out with her because she can’t go out as often.
jealousy in a friendship is an insane idea for me. when my ex-friend of 10 years told me she was jealous of my grades and (nonexistent) fashion style I was stunned. like??? all of my friends are pretty and smart and talented and funny and successful in their own ways and I'm just proud of them and happy for them
I once told a female friend of mine that I was jealous of her thighs and ass and she told me she was actually jealous of my boobs and we both realized how silly we were being lol
It’s a natural human emotion that nobody asks to feel.
OMG I WAS JUST TALKING TO SOME PEOPLE ABOUT HOW HARD MAKING REAL FRIENDS HAS BECOME. It is just insane how this came at THE perfect time.
Friendship and connecting at this day is just so difficult... and the world feels really shallow and empty and lonely :/
There are plenty of reasons but this is one of my biggest gripes with the pandemic tbh :( No one knows how to socialise normally anymore, no one seems to remember how to be a person. It's really weird to watch as an autistic person especially, as someone who has always been on the side of not really knowing how to be a human. We spend our entire lives learning, masking, figuring out what is expected of us, while a lot these people don't seem to feel the same need. They can be as selfish and two faced as they want, surely? Why should they examine their own behaviour? It's weird to watch them experiencing things analogous to my own experience but reacting COMPLETELY differently
@@ensommeille5315 ^^^ !!
@@ensommeille5315 as an autistic person myself, I relate to this so much
Still emo about a friend breakup from like half a year ago, I thought we would grow old together... Might have teared up during the intro lmaooo
Same ❤
awh🥺 why’d u breakup?!
I feel your pain ❤️🩹 give it time. My friendship group loss was about a year ago, and only now was I able to tell my mom about it all, without crying. It still hurts, and I'm definitely lonely, but I'm most certainly healing, and I know you will too, one day ❤️
I feel you 😭 I just lost a bestie too
Was the same with me and one friend, take care
Sometimes I hear girls describe their friendships and think, "How can you call those women your friends? They're awful."
I'm thankful for my two best friends. Meeting them in high school helped me deal with the "ghosting" I got from other women.
Maybe this is the autism talking but the fact that this all considered "normal" is absolutely buck wild to me. If you don't know how someone meant a text...just ask? If someone leaves you on read, just send a "hey just making sure you saw my last message"? If someone did something that upset you, talk to them about it? and in good faith? instead of assuming everyone means the worst? There isn't a secret ulterior motive behind every little thing?
I'm not trying to shame anybody who deals with this, I'm just....genuinely baffled, and it makes me glad all my friends are the same way, but also wish that clear communication was a class taught in public schools
I'm also autistic and agree with you but sometimes I have to assume the worst because I'm too trusting. For example, someone sent me a "It's not that deep but ok" text because I refused to do something and gave my reasoning. The text wasn't the problem but it reminded of all the times he used that phrase to guilt trip me into doing something I said no to. I decided to speak to them about it and I explained why I didn't trust him anymore and why I would prefer being more distant with him. They started telling me I was too serious, can't take a joke, and weaponized my trauma and saying im making excuses. Because I felt bad about possibly misreading the text I believed him however I'm just realizing now that it was gaslighting. The only reason I did this is because I noticed he would do the same thing to others, so I just copied him.
There usually is some ulterior motive between every public facing action. Humans are weird and usually pretty gross. Benefit of the doubt is a mistake. Also autistic, in case that matters lol
@@blueorchid5971the amount of times this has happened to me too is insane. it really hurts because you’re just trying to find a level of understanding and the other person just doesn’t get it. ughhhh it’s terrible!! i’m so sorry you’ve had to deal w this too
@ebeth7094 I know it's really tough I'm sorry u had to go through that its a whole other level of frustration
godddd yeah i feel this, not to be all "ewww allistics blahblahblah" but its wild that being direct with people and telling them how you feel (especially how their actions make you feel) can be met with super negative reactions💀💀.
"hey, you said/did something that made me feel bad, i value our friendship so im telling you so that we can work this out"
"how dare you attack me like this!! why am i suddenly the bad guy?? why didnt you tell me immediately instead of processing your emotions!!" etc
just feels very childish, its like someone always has to be Wrong and Bad in every kind of confrontation or assertion, and it obviously cant be them, so the other person becomes some kind of toxic asshole for communicating and having boundaries
I know it’s a paid sponsorship but ‘It Ends With Us’ is absolutely not a “Girl’s Girl” book. It gives a dishonest portrayal of abuse and Colleen Hoover has proven to not take DV seriously. She tried to make a coloring book based off of ‘It Ends With Us’ and was ok with the movie adaptation being marketed as a rom-com.
+
Okay I just started the video don’t tell me she promotes it 🥲
It was marketed as a rom com by stupid mean girl Blake Lively😂 Justin Baldoni took the entire topic very seriously and distanced himself from blake and CH and it caused a lot of heat
Sure but also, I think trashy light-reading about dark subject matter, marketed to women, is nothing new. I'm skeptical of taking it so serious. When trashy pulp is marketed to men (like b-tier horror films with rape, or even Gone Girl which starred a man) nobody asks for it to be educational or responsible about the real-life issues it fictionalizes for drama. Not on a massive, sensationalized, 'people think her career should be over' scale like Blake experienced.
And I do think there's a sexist double-standard here where male actors are allowed to be unserious in interviews, while a woman like Blake has to be a spokesperson for real life ethics when marketing her goofy pulp drama film.
For example, I think a Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Gone Girl coloring book would be received in a different spirit, because nobody is asking for these genre films to be classy and serious about their subject matter. You know?
yeesh, not a colleen hoover sponsorship....
In college, my friends would ask me for things all the time. I once drove three hours to pick up a friend who tried (and failed) to hitchhike his way to a girl he liked. It made me feel so loved and trusted that people could come to me for even the most inconvenient things. It's like you said, friendships really pick up when you put just a little more effort in eachother. But no one asks me to do things any more. I love doing things for the people I care about, but it's like no one wants to take that extra friendship step to put someone out a bit or possibly volunteer to do something themselves.
Did you ever ask for help back? Did they ever offer? Maybe they felt like they were inconveniencing you or taking advantage?
@Kagomai15 oh, totally. They did a lot for me. But it never felt transactional, which was what I was trying to say. It was just people doing things for others because they cared about eachother.
@@stephaniemason6533 lovely! I'm sorry it seems to have fizzled out!
This was so kind, and I'm sure you're putting good energy in the world, which is always needed.
I really only have one true friend. Then I have a bunch of acquaintances that I used to know but we’ve moved on with our lives. The friend that I have just became a mother. I really opened up about my feelings about our relationship with her recently. She is the sweetest person I’ve ever met I have to say. Love your videos, Mina!
Also in the only one true friend club!! I get really sad watching shows with strong female friend groups bc I want it so bad haha. But then again, my one friend is such a special connection.
@@kelswells I used to be in the group of having as many friends as possible. But now that I’m not in high school, it is a lot easier to just have one person that I enjoy talking with. I’m also pretty close with my relatives but not as much as to my one friend.
38:40 It's important to consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed in any situation involving a friend. For instance, if you think unfollowing a "friend" on social media isn't a big deal, pause and ask yourself how you'd feel if they did the same to you. Would it still seem insignificant? I once had a friend who constantly complained when others stopped sending her Snapchat streaks, yet a few months after she moved away, she did the same thing to us. Friendships require empathy and self-awareness, it’s about treating others the way you'd want to be treated.
I maintain my friendships (mostly with women, but also with gay men) like I maintain my health. I plan, I stick to the schedules and I make sure to check up on all my friends at least on the bi-weekly. I do not believe in "effortless" anything. Maybe it was possible back in high school, but certainly not when everyone has an ever-growing pile of adult responsibilities to juggle. Having meaningful human interaction takes conscious effort, and that's okay with me.
It wasn’t effortless in high school.
I’m genuinely concerned at the cognitive decline in people who seem to be forgetting that back in SCHOOL….
Most friends met at SCHOOL.
You know that super planned out, extremely regimented DAILY THING? Daily 8 hour thing? Lmfao.
Like yeah the hangouts AFTER SCHOOL seemed easy….
Bc we all had just done SCHOOL. Every day lmfao. Together!
So you already know who you like or get on with well from SCHOOL. So sure just grouping together at dismissal and going to get some food or whatever was “easy”
It wasn’t effortless in high school.
I’m genuinely concerned at the cognitive decline in people who seem to be forgetting that back in SCHOOL….
Most friends met at SCHOOL.
You know that super planned out, extremely regimented DAILY THING? Daily 8 hour thing? Lmfao.
Like yeah the hangouts AFTER SCHOOL seemed easy….
Bc we all had just done SCHOOL. Every day lmfao. Together!
So you already know who you like or get on with well from SCHOOL. So sure just grouping together at dismissal and going to get some food or whatever was “easy”
@@nataliaalfonso2662it takes 2 to be friends. 2 EFFORTS.
School may have helped, but it really depends on the person.
Try again
@@nataliaalfonso2662 in alot of areas school is required by law, and most kids and teens either hated or felt indifferent about school. Many didn't actuvely choose to go to school 8 hours a day for 5 days a week, that was between parents and the government. Friends just became a byproduct of being forced to attend this sanction.
If you're forced to go somewhere almost everyday, then it WILL feel effortless when you inevitably meet someone you get along with.
You don't have to plan around events to see them, take time out of a careful schedule, worry about how you're going to be able to make time for them in relation to you're chores or job. You just see them because you're forced to go the same area for 5 days a week for a long time. The amount of effort difference is huge, unless you're in the minority and don't have to worry about finances or other potential adult responsibilities. I'm confused on how people feeling like this is a "cognitive decline."
@@nataliaalfonso2662 And hanging out with people from work doesn't "count" as /real/ friends, because you don't /really/ have anything in common but school is where you just meet the people you'd die for......
I don't really consider work friends close either but school friends were also friends of convivence looking back.
Really sounds like there is a lot of attachment and expectations without honest communication.
at this point i've had several friendships in which i realize at some point that i'm the only one who actually cares about the friendship. i used to think i was REALLY close to my friends from university because we would literally talk all the time and i could communicate with them and everything. and then i had a months long depressive episode where i stopped initiating conversations with them. NOT ghosting. i just stopped initiating conversations. and none of them checked on me. and then they all dmed me 5 months later on my birthday saying happy birthday and asking when we can call to talk to each other. and i confronted them about how none of them spoke to me for months and they were all like "yeah i'm just a bad texter, but i love you!" and saying shit like "yeah, but i'm a great friend! i love you!"
and this is just one example but it keeps happening to me. and what i've realized is everyone wants really close friendships but very few people are interested in actually doing anything about that. people love being my friend because i do all the work. i initiate conversations and hang outs and recommend movies and tv and talk about books and i remind them how much i care about them and everything. and they don't have to do anything. they get to be in an amazing friendship without lifting a finger. it's so easy to receive affection. and then they never give it. no matter how much i communicate, they just never understand that i need more from them as well. that i feel like i'm keeping the friendship together. i have ONE friend who actually gets it. everyone else will just drift away or flat out ghost me or on many occasions even block me and then when i talk to them they'll be talking about how they were a great friend the whole time. which - of course they would think that. everything was fine from their perspective. i was the one doing all the work. i was the one communicating and making sure i understood them and their life and their problems and tried to help them and was always there for them when they needed me. and they were the ones reaping the benefits of having a friend who just does everything. so of course they didn't think anything was wrong. i've genuinely had people who ghosted me for YEARS come back into the dms like nothing happened and then claim they were amazing friends to me the whole time and i'm being a bitch. i know a girl who literally told me AFTER GHOSTING ME FOR FIVE YEARS that she wanted me to be her maid of honour. and when i said we weren't friends anymore she was shocked.
idk. i don't think true friendship is dead, but i think the vast majority of people want a "true friendship" without ever doing anything about it. they want that deep connection. they want a best friend. they want someone who will drop everything to help you. but they are simply not interested in ever building that relationship. they just want it to happen. and they don't want to have to maintain that relationship either. they want to be able to vanish from your life for months and for everything to just be the same when they come back regardless of whether that's what you want or not. people want to have no maintenance friendships they never have to do anything for but they still want you to drop everything you're doing the second they need help and they will absolutely fucking never do that for you. i literally have one friend who thinks otherwise. people want to have their cake and eat it too
THIS IS ME OMG but also people who have one or two best friends already don’t feel that need to initiate the convos (so im always the one doing it too) but if they lose those best friends for whatever reason they can’t see that they’ve lost their other great friends from not putting in any effort
Omg I had very similar experiences! You expressed that very well! My solution for my loneliness is being the friend I would've needed. I will forever put my work into friendships and at the and of the day I can at least say that I truly know that I'm a good friend. Asking for more is too much these days... I still hope we can soon see the overall mindset shifting.
I see you and I wish you the best ❤
@@scheissaufkekse5171 yeh id much rather know im a good friend then give up trying like so many people do
Omg same!! It's absolutely outrageous how people behave, there's not even basic reciprocity. Like it's freaking basic logic that friendship is give and take. The thing that gets me is the people who take and take and drain me without a second thought are often giving themselves... But only to people who treat them poorly, when someone is awesome they take that as a sign they can walk all over them. I mean if you know how much it hurts to be the giver in a one way relationship, why would you behave like the people who made you suffer? Why would you want to become the person who's selfish? I don't get it. Whether or not people acknowledge it, honour and morals do exist as solid enduring concepts of human life.
oh my good i feel understood reading this. as someone who is always there for their friends, I have lost countless friends because of one-sided effort. now, i have less than 5 friends but their quality as a friend is better than having 1 million friends.
you're right about people wanting deep friendship but not many would put in effort, they just want to enjoy the benefit of being in one but not doing any works, i learnt that the hard way.
I think especially as a teenager, it's so important to move within your friendships with patience and forgiveness. Like we're both SO YOUNG! Of course we aren't going to completely understand social interactions and relationships perfectly. We can learn and grow together!
I’ve been thinking about this vid on and off since I watched it and I totally agree that friendships usually become closer/stronger in times when one of you is going out of your way to be there or help with something for the other person. And that just makes sense. If someone walks around with the attitude that ‘well if you want me to do this for you, what are you gonna do for me?’ Like people just aren’t going to be very drawn to that. I think part of just being a well adjusted adult is knowing that you’re not always going to get a favor back for the favor you do. And you accept that. And do it anyways. And the people you will end up building relationships are the people who genuinely appreciate the effort and WANT to you know eventually in a natural come abouts sort of way return that favor etc. So much online discourse feels created and perpetuated by people who are just chronically online. If these people were on Reddit we wouldn’t take them seriously… so why do we on tiktok or any other app? lol these people saying this stuff DONT have real friendships imo lol
also happy birthday belated bday.. that’s why this is a whatever yt calls the money thing lol 🍰
I HATE Venmo culture. It's only right when someone doesn't have their card or wallet and literally can't pay for something. Then, it's reasonable to expect to be paid/pay someone. Other than that it's so stupid to buy me something then expect me to pay you back. I buy people things ALLL the time not expecting anything.
I think with big parties it’s chill. I’ve done it and other friends have in our friend group of table top gamers. We usually are 7-12 people and it’s easier to Venmo than split the bill hella ways at certain places. Also, some places won’t let you. We are also all college age/ young adult and don’t get drinks so our meals end up all being about the same. Def think it depends on context if it feels transactional
I think sometimes it's just easier to pay with one card and split it yourselves than pay with multiple cards and make the server split the check however many ways. Or like ordering take-out/delivery, buying tickets online, a lot of times it's easier just to pay with one card. Idk I would never like, insist on buying something for someone who's capable of paying for it themselves and then make them pay me back for it? Like... do people actually do that?
Have you considered having a conversation about if people are going to pay each other back first?
honestly nothing hurts more than losing a friend. maybe family.. but it is much harder to lose a friend than a man... lol for me.
I had a very co-dependent friendship breakup about 7 years ago and I still dream about her regularly. It was a long, confusing healing process. Even though I’m honestly very glad she’s not in my life anymore, she’s still very much in my psyche because of all the history and things that will subconsciously remind me of her.
This doesn't make sense to me, shouldn't your partner also be your (best) friend?
@@riotgrrrl8807 yeah, I agree - its strange how some people view relationships.
@@riotgrrrl8807 maybe it could be that I have never had a partner who was that best friend to me. So I don’t know what it would feel like to lose a soulmate like that. But also.. I value my female bonds. It hurts a lot to see them end. That doesn’t mean I value romance less.
@@Bamgeutcutiepie I'm sorry to hear that. I think it's best not to see romance and friendship as mutually exclusive, but it's not your fault of course if you've never experienced it like that. I wish you all the best 😊
I’m always scared of losing my best friend, we just had our 10th friendship anniversary and this is the longest, most consistent friendship I’ve ever had. It terrifies me to imagine losing her and I’ve really forced myself to grow as a person to not self-sabotage the relationship into ending prematurely.
That right there is what keeps friendships healthy.
Sometimes it's nice to reframe the friendship.
Instead of being there always you can just hang out sometimes and be less sad about the lack of reciprocity but still have someone nice in your life. :)
Trueeeee I'm working on managing my expectations depending on the friendship
I'm in my 60s and have lived in multiple countries so I have a lot of different experiences. I would say that Europeans see friendship as an investment where your friend's success is your success so you actively help each other reach goals. In contrast, Americans see friendship as a service that I'm providing to someone. Every invitation to a movie or restaurant is negotiated to something they prefer. People dont see the PERSON as the main event and will pass on the invitation unless it's exactly to their liking. I feel that I'm providing companionship, not friendship, and that the activity is more important than me.
That's crazy I lived in nine different countries and I feel Europeans see friendships as acquaintances and never care about the person but just you being a one hour meeting for them to let out stuff they can't to their partner. I find Europeans heavily based on romantic relationship being the only relationship you need. While Americans , Latinos and Chinese people are way more about deepness and opening up and having a proper relationship as friends
@@PaulaMartinez-sn1fw We have very different experiences.
@@evaperson3976 yep. You also have very different experiences to all my European friends and European husband who are majority deppressed xD
This was really insightful, I feel like I do this too much and it helps to self reflect. The person should be the main event
Seeing someone's "online status" can for sure be hard. Especially when you see your friend group online interacting, and you're outside of it. It's easy to feel "Other" or ostracized. Or knowing your friend is online but not responding/reaching out to you when they've expressed wanting to talk. I attribute that to my last major friendship breakup. 4 years later and I have a more aquantences, a and smaller friendpool, but those connections feel more secure than they did before. Although, I am terrified of making new connections.
You’ll make new connections for the rest of your life unless you avoid getting to know people.
21:03 .... 88% of men vs 18% of women broke up with someone via a text bruh
88% of men???? Men and their lack of empathy terrifies me so much woahhh
My ex of 7 years broke up with me over text i totally believe that number
In 2010 I got dumped over text message when i was 21 and it hit me hard at the time.
One time a guy broke up with me irl and he was so cold and callous about it that I would've preferred a text tbh. It's like he only did in in person so he wouldn't feel bad about doing it over text.
It's insane!
I came to my “best friend” in a really dark and isolate/ lonely time, for sanctuary as I had always provided a safe space for her to vent her woes. While at times I might of felt like we spent most dates only talking about herself and rarely was I asked about my life, I still felt honored that she could trust me. Also accepted that maybe we just have different communication styles and social awareness.
Well, When I came to her in said dark time, she in response simply said, “you should get a journal”. That was all, it was heartbreaking for many reasons. Not only did it make me feel further alone but it made me feel uncomfortable that after all these years of comforting her and worrying about her, she couldn’t reciprocate. I also felt awful that if she may of possibly been emotionally unavailable, she couldn’t at the very least communicate that. And then, If I possibly did something wrong, after so many years of friendship, I wish she would have told me because I would have wanted to correct it. Not once in my life before that moment did I think negatively about her and then suddenly I felt like I didn’t know her at all. I felt as though a gave so much and was just left empty handed. I eventually had to just accept that maybe she just didn’t feel connected to me anymore and didn’t know how to break it off. I will never know but it definitely has made me feel emotionally exhausted and a bit untrustworthy. I guess I just expected at the very least, honesty, even if it was harsh or uncomfortable.
going through something similar right now :( I’m sorry that happened to you!
Sorry you went through that. This is one of the cons of being the therapist friend. Atleast you know now about how one sided a friendship can be when you are the support person. I went through something similar and it made me realize the unhealthy dynamics I sought in friendships. I had a “fixer” mentality and thought my value as a friend was being someone who could “help” people with their problems & be there for them. There’s not wrong with this generally, but when your friendship dynamics most consist of one person complaining or venting, and the other listening & providing advice, the dynamic can get codependent and unhealthy. I learned my lesson from the last friendship breakup. People who value you as their therapist, don’t value you as an actual friend, therefore don’t know how to actually be one. It’s a tough lesson but definitely worth it in the end. Wishing you the best as you move forward.
@@worm-bri I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s now been a few years for me and while through the years I have felt a variety of ways, i’m now in the acceptance phase. Sometimes you just won’t get closure, and that’s ok. Hopefully at the end of the day you can walk away knowing you put your best foot forward and can now better establish within yourself the amount of effort you require from a friend.
@@SS-cu8se Totally, in retrospect, I absolutely fell under a sort of “therapist friend” category. Now after years of revisiting that situation and studying it. I have definitely been able to take note of habits and characteristics in other people and myself. Now i’m in my 30’s and it’s much harder to make friends due to working and home life becoming more complex but when the next friend comes along hopefully i’ll be able to establish healthier boundaries. Best of luck to you too!❤️
That sounds so similar... my closest friend last year ghosted me and stopped being friends and genuinely was angry at me (i know it makes no sense) for reaching out to her in a dark time when i thought she was a safe person. I had been there for her, literally nursed her through breakups for months, was the therapist friend...i also didnt mind because i felt honoured with the trust she had in me. But when i reached out one night and called her becsuse i needed support...she became angry, cold and has ghosted me ever since
Ugghhh this is so true. The scourge of modern girl-friendships. the unanswered texts, the bailing, the not finding time to meet up... Just had a friend stand me up and leave me hanging for two hours, then apologize profusely in recorded messages, because apparently a different friend had held her up and used my friend's baby as reason to keep her from leaving.
At the end of the day, we gotta be patient and be able to forgive to keep friendships over a long time
This relates to one of your previous videos about the "third place". Friendships have already become harder over the years because of individualism and the rise of "self-care", and ALSO - we don't have a "third place" anymore which makes it even harder to schedule time to meet up with friends. every meet-up with friends feels so purposeful and so planned, the effortlessness of "hey im coming to your place let's chill together" just doesnt happen anymore it's sad
As I've gotten older, I have understood a little better that there are different approaches to friendship. Some people are happy with an occasional text, some want quality time (that's me), some want little favours back and forth. I dont always get it right, and sometimes it hurt that a person I want to spend more time with is just an occasional friend type, but it's worth preserving a relationship with a good person instead of just trying to force a type of friendship you want.
Women NEED female friendships in their lives. Yes, female friendships can be complicated and emotional, but at the end of the day, having those girlfriends who get you and are there for you when life goes south, that is the best part of life. All relationships need communication and sacrifices to survive, especially female friendships cause you gotta beat that overanalysing part that can ruin such a wonderful thing as that. So go tell your girls you love em and do all the crazy shit you like
also! never discredit having friendships with older women! sometimes that older lady at your work will have the best lessons and words of wisdom to pass on to you :)
It's very hard when you are in a male dominted field and moving countries, like me :(
I don't think gender is that important for most people. Me and most other people I know have both male and female best friends and neither of them are better than the other. You can have your opinions and preferences all you want! I just think it's misleading to say we NEED them
@@youre764 of course, one does not exclude the other, frienship is important no matter the gender. i also have both male and female bffs and imo having a girl friendgroup is a different experience. but youre right my first sentence was a bit aggresive, its completely okay if you dont have female friendships, everyone has their own cycles, im not saying you cannot live without them:)
@@refillpan YES! Through my political activist groups I have encountered so many older women and I love having them as friends. Like they are 10-15, some even 20 years older than me, but they are so real and raw. I love this. It also makes me feel so proud that they deem me "good" enough to be their friend. Their wisdom and patience is unparalled.
This video came out after my best friend told me I’d have to pay her $20 if we have a sleepover for the utilities I would use
😂 this is actually crazy and hilarious
I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck? 🤣
@@sparkymularkey6970 I really wish i was joking lol
Lol
Shocked lmao this person is not worldly
i just ended multiple friendships because i felt as if i had been putting in that "work", like expressing my gratitude, being ready to make lunch just in case they were hungry and always being ready to listen to their problems while i felt as if they would never do that for me. i think some people like the idea of true friendship but don't know how to keep or even earn one.
i crave for a genuine female friendship so badly. in the past they have always been disrupted by a man & resulted in zero communication & closure. But it’s so hard as a 21 almost 22 yr old to make friends. i commute to college, & with technology nowadays many people do not interact or want to talk. its definitely hard.
Completely the same for me, 22 and commuted to college...Feels like social media and the Internet just warped anything genuinely human
i feel its hard to maintain a friendship nowadays especially because of social media- seeing a friend who claims theyre too busy or broke yo hang out wuth me and then look at their stories eating out with someone else.
the whole trauma dump thing, now tou cant even tell your friends how you feel without "burdening" them- when isnt that what friendship is about, support?
Most people aren’t genuine and it just gets harder when we get older you can be kind and yourself but people don’t want that idk what they want
Yup. It’s really confusing.
i was just thinking how i miss my former best friend, it was the only genuine bond i´ve ever had with someone
This is such a good topic. Ive always questioned the depth of my friendships and stopped talking to them to see if they would ever reach out by themselves. Some do, and some surprisingly don't, unfortunately. But I love the friendships that are made from both ends, and we can stop talking for ages and still act like we met up yesterday
i think that not every friendship needs to be deep, the ones you make in a workplace or at school are often transactional because you need to maintain them to fit in a place. it's just important to be able to tell different types of relationships apart to manage your expectations. value the people in your life who you love and trust. if somebody rejects you or doesn't reach out, it's not your fault. that just happens sometimes.
@amelia-lr8zb that makes so much sense. Thank you
I guess i just wanted to make strong connections tho it may not happen with everyone which makes sense
@@amelia-lr8zb I don't think it's "manage your expectations" but communicate your expectations even though no one else seems to do that.
Friendships need proximity, that’s why most of the time we become great friends with school and work people, but after you move around and especially if you work online, it becomes hard to form and maintain deep meaningful relationships.
I also agree about inconveniences, a friendship solidifies through sacrifice. It’s a very dramatic statement, but only through acts of service you reveal enough of you character to others.
People also need to stop thinking about themselves so much. If you work under constant assumption your friends all hate you, it’s an extremely mean view to take about your surroundings, not to mention the very pinnacle of navel gazing. Like get over yourself and just assume people talk to you because they like you.
I don't agree re proximity. I'm an introvert and also my few close friends live in different cities/countries. What friendships need is consistency and effort - keeping in touch and visiting when you can.
I once maintained a friendship for a few weeks with someone I actually didn't like, because she was guilt-tripping af (with someone I met on a dating app who was actually looking for friends and listed some common interests so I went with it....didn't go well.) I was so relieved to have a guilt-free reason to drop the interaction when I moved to a new city, which I would have done anyway, but it really changed my whole experience of thinking that all my friends secretly hate me. I didn't even hate this person, just found them to be self centered and not ever really let me have space in the conversation but used their mental illness and abandonment trauma to keep me from further harming them, after attaching insanely quickly, and......yeah no one would voluntarily spend their free time with someone they didn't like for very long, it /sucks/.
it’s so hard finding genuine female friendships :( i feel like others view friendship as a competion of some sort or how u mentioned jealously and it just makes me sad!! ALL I WANT IS COMMUNITY AND CONNECTION
genuinely crying because the talking points in this video really hit me! especially in the end! thanks for the video! it's helping me process a lot of stuff. i had two friendship breakups with long term friends last year. it generally summed up to me trying to have a serious heart to heart but i didn't like how their responses and how they tried to resolve it felt so cold to me, even when i tried to call them over it so i could actually hear them... so I left! it still hurts. am crying about it rn. but that's just how it is i guess.
i think that people idealize friendships, not allowing other people to be anything other then what we expect of them. we are less accepting in a way, which in turn makes us not accepted as well. also we normalized having a thousand close friends as if thats possible …
i love your videos! hugs from brazil 🇧🇷
I find it hard to meet people I genuinely connect with and irregardless of gender and various factors - it’s a struggle to even keep friendships going. I’m an all in kind of friend, and after a lot of putting myself/effort/thought/love into friendships (sometimes years) and going through some real hardships the last couple of years - I’ve had to pull back. And it’s amazing how one sided you find out some friendships truly are. Idk if I’d even call them friendships. Transactional seems about right, even at an emotional level. As a result, I’ve focused more on myself the last while. Things in my life are looking up. And maybe I’ll make new bonds that are rewarding and have good communication - not confusing. I wonder if it’s a sign of my age group (late 30s) and the life stage we are at - the changes that we face are just different and more consuming so some are more likely take friendships more forgranted? Marriage. Kids. Divorce. Income. Outgoings. Work. Healthcare. Mental health. You know just the never ending things to do and think about. The stakes are higher because there’s more to juggle and maybe it’s not carelessness that results in friendships faulting. But other transactions that take away from the energy we have to invest in friendship or even community.
Girls are taught from a young age to "be nice" and communicate in a very indirect and non-useful way, and i.m.o. this harms female friend-groups and friendships big time later on in life. I desperately wanted female BFFs when I was a teenager, but I'm naturally a very "direct communicator", you could say I communicate like a man, and this often went wrong in female groups :S. I wish there was more focus on communication in general in schools. We have to learn how to write grammar and official documents, but not very important day-to-day communication. E.g. how to resolve an argument in a respectful way.
I was never taught that
This is a parenting thing
I hate that a lot of people will cutt off their "toxic" friends, are they toxic just because they have made some minor mistakes and still learning and growing up?? it's our first life and it's okay to get hurt from people around us no one is perfect, we keep hurting each other while learning, the most important thing is that we acknowlege each others feeling.
the most friendships I value today are the ones that I had conflicts in and hurted each other because we saw the ugly side for one another.
I might be misatken and regert this years later but I'm comfortable with it now
It really depends on the severity of the behavior. There are some people I could never look at and appreciate the same way again after witnessing the level of disrespect. These are people who were very, very bad for my mental health and my life is much better without them in it. I have many other long lasting friends who make mistakes, sure, but their behavior was much less malicious, hurtful, or damaging to my mental health than those I have cut off.
@@ssgg23 sure, that's why I said "minor mistakes" we shouldn't forgive people who do us real harm
Finances in relationships are troubling and tricky. That section of the video made me feel a bit bad (in a thoughtful way); treating someone "like a bank" is a good way to describe it, even when you're trying to pay someone back and make things right... but they just don't want you to, because they want it to be a gift or to provide for you. It's so hard!!
I loved this video and it also made me think hard about the friendships where I need to have a serious talk (unrelated to money). I'm not sure if I have the confrontation in me. But it probably is the mature thing to do. A lot of hurtful things slide when you don't communicate it. The problem is when you wait too long and before you know it, you're really angry and fed up because you swallowed too much without realizing you were approaching an event horizon.
Though I guess it's not unrelated to money if feeling like I owe somebody for a gift keeps me from being able to tell them I feel angry or disrespected about something else.
I’ve given up on making friends now honestly, everyone already has their groups and whatnot. It’s lonely but easier
You can find friends in book stories and know them better than any living person. It's a good way to cope
i feel ya, but someday someone might feel right and you might make a good friend that day. same goes for everyone, don’t lose hope ❤
I'm chronically online, introverted and in my late 20s, but when I started a master's degree I was lucky enough to really hit it off with some of the other girls in my cohort. No competition between us, academic or otherwise. We graduated, but we meet up regularly as a group, and I see them individually almost weekly, and we talk on our WhatsApp group chat all day, every day. They've saved my life many times. I think the key is that we put our egos aside and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with one another, and that requires a lot of trust. Understanding each other's differences is also really important, but truth is, the fact that we all have pretty similar lifestyles and worldviews has made us closer as a group. I consider myself blessed.
If I've learned anything, it's that adult friendships require you to actually think and behave like an adult. You can't act like an insecure teen and expect other women to want to befriend you.
I needed this video. I'm dealing with losing two friends so hearing your take on friendship was really helpful. That very ending quote from your mom was pure gold.
As a guy who has always struggled to maintain male friendships, I think this transactional nature of friendship is part of it forsure. But also a lot of guys arent willing to fully open up and I'm a very sensitive and emotional dude so I'm kinda always at odds with a lot of my guy friends who just want to play video games or drink and not talk until they're 6 shots into the night. It kinda makes me sad that overt masculinity has made maintaining male friendships harder even tho we all want to have a plethora of friends
Because on the opposite side I've always been able to maintain female friendships much more. But its also hard to be the guy friend when a lot of my girl friends have bfs and they get very jealous or upset and so those friendships slowly fade away. Luckily I have a core group of people I love and I see at local shows and art events. The girlies are awesome!
Dude same omfg i met someone who faces same issues in male friendship as a man themselves
As a 40+ year old woman, some of this is fascinating to me, as some of these problems didn't even exist in my teens or early 20s. I feel so blessed to have ongoing friendships that began before social media and smartphones were even a thing. My unsolicited advice, find your people, set your boundaries, and put in the effort. If you only text once a week, or once a month, set that expectation at the beginning. Tell your friends you love them, and be there for them. Build those bonds, and they stay strong. Good luck, everyone!!
Happy Birthday! And wow! So much to chew on in this video. As I approach my 30s I've definitely noticed that my friendships have ebbed and flowed across jobs, places I've lived, and changes in my life. I think the notion of "life-long" friends is a lovely Hollywood idea, but the reality is more complicated. The lack of non-internet social life has made us forget the art of the "acquaintance" friend and how to just...be sociable. Rather than just a few intense, continuous soul-mate friends, you get to experience so many wonderful new people and experience different sides of yourself through these friendships, no matter how long or short they may be!
In my almost 27 years, only in the last year have I had a friendship that feels pure and solid and caring and completely free of transaction. I think it’s just a lot more rare to find
This video feels like a reassuring pat to the head, a reminder that it's totally normal to have conflicts and fallouts in friendships. For years, I felt like there's something wrong with me because it seemed like everyone else had some form of long term friendship when I can't even maintain a regular friendship for more than a few months at a time. Friendships are hard and complicated, and it's very easy for me to forget that.
i'm so lucky to have solid female friendships ❤ friend breakups are underrated in how painful they can be, fr. experienced one last year (i was 32) and it sucked
The biggest challenge I find is that since the pandemic it feels like people see get togethers as a chore, as if the only way to relax is to be alone at your house. I even remember a fad from a few years back lots of memes that treated being introverted and asocial as super special and cool and that if you loved your special introverted flower of a friend you wouldn't care that they cancelled plans last minute because that's self-care. Obviously you can have a crappy week at work and just want to veg out, but any good friend would happily switch dinner plans to takeout and sitting on the sofa plans.
I took can find social interaction and outings to be tiring, but I also know that I sit at home alone because inaction is easier than putting myself out there. It's made it hard to maintain friendships when everyone seems to be in the same boat, but they don't ever come out unless they're asked to leave the house. It leaves me with lots of friends that I enjoy being with, who say they enjoy being with me, but who never make the first move, which leaves me doubting whether I actually have friends at all.
Introvert as well, my instinct is always telling me to cancel plans and stay home and sometimes I do it, but when I don't, I feel a need being nourished, and yeah, it's hard to nourish your needs, esp the ones that take work, when they've been neglected but that's part of the reason it's so hard to get over that hump, that's part of why your energy levels are so low, it's the exact same logic as to why exercise is hard to get started and costs a lot of energy but increases your energy in the long run, social interaction is like that too, even for introverts.
Dude you just spoke to my soul, I feel the exact same way
all the male friends i had in college were horrible to me. the only one that was extremely kind and a good friend ended up coming out as trans mtf years later.
i only had female friends in high school. and now my only friend is my ex boyfriend and a woman i met through him. i literally have zero other friends and I'm so extremely lonely and scared I'll never find an actual best friend. i have to start all over and try to meet new people at 30. why would anyone want to give me the time of day? when any sensible 30 year old probably already has plenty of friends and family and doesn't have room for me in their life.
From all rhe 30 year old I dated, not one had friends to rely on
There's a lot of over 30 year olds looking for friends too, I notice that many make friends in fandom spaces and doing things like playing tabletop or joining groups.
Everyone is more or less lonely, many people don't have that big of a social group at 30, many people are single and living in a town where they moved to a couple years ago, so with probably no family around.
I think it's hard to make new friends as time passes but also you have to accept to meet new people and also accept you'll have to go through the uncertainty of them sticking around enough to see if they enjoy your company in a deeper way (the same applies to you, you are allowed to choose). I've been on a quest to find new people to hang out with, and what I do is tell my intentions to people I meet that I find cool, I tell them I'd like to try to hang out more as I want a larger social group and shared activities, and then people that accept are usually the ones that share similar wishes. And in those people, with time you find out who are the ones that you like more and that also like you more. It takes time but it's worth it. You can't expect to find a best friend easily, but you can find nice people, and time will tell what happens.
ps : there are so many clubs for so many different interests (boardgames, gardening, whatever), just go to one that organises events with things you enjoy doing and see what happens
@sheails Seconded try some hobbies and see if you can ask if they want to get food afterwards etc..m
People used to have a lot more quiet, empty places in their brain, so that they welcomed contact with others. Despite living alone, I get so much distraction and entertainment by being nearly constantly online, I just never feel a need for people irl. I kind of regret ever getting into online life.
last year, my best friend since middle school ghosted me, she had major changes in her life and i gave her some space thinking she was just going through a lot and then i reached put to see what was really going and found out she didn’t like me very much. i still miss her, i would’ve loved a joe jonas phone call instead of fighting over text but it turns out it hurt more than a heartbreak, i lost a 10 year old friendship and i do believe we as humans don’t talk about loosing friendships and accepting it.
I love the texting etiquette guide. As an AuDHD lady, I love clear communication (within reason). Also I haaate being tit for tat financially with people. Tottally sympathetic if ppl feel stressed about money, but one time a friend asked if I wanted to take a cab with her so I did. Later she asked me to split the cost through the app, which isnt unreasonable, it just surprised me. I would not have taken that ride if I wasnt specifically invited to join "her" ride.
it’s hilarious you used that key & peele sketch because i just wrote a paper about that sketch for my anthropology class!!!! lol it was about like how linguistic style and non-linguistic symbols contribute to communication and how text messaging can cause misinterpretation. also happy birthday!!!!!
It’s sad to think about how superficial relationships have become; true friendship feels rarer these days
A lot of people are adding really good points here and I don't think I have anything new to add. I do find it fascinating how even though most people (of all ages) know that we're in a loneliness epidemic, it hasn't become easier to make friends. Self awareness, for me at least, feels like less of a strength as i try to navigate why the folks i try to befriend seemingly want nothing to do w me- no matter how easy i can make hang out opportunities available for them. It's hard not to internalize all the rejection. So many things that were glamourized in my youth couldn't be further away from the reality I/we live in today. Gotta love those nuances, haha.
Omg dude this is such a good take like the whole point about connection vs. treating it as transactional is so good ❤❤❤
Great video, love the discussion and the sourced articles. Although you totally missed out on Taylor Swift suddenly hanging out with Sophie Turner right after her divorce announcement to Joe Jonas. The opening was right here! And it definitely was on theme (friendship displayed to communicate something publicly)
your makeup looks IMPECCABLE in this video Mina!
I barely get any notifications on my phone and it causes me a lot of depression. The only ones I do seem to get are from brands or politicians. And now I’m dming a guy on Instagram and overthinking everything he says 😂
LMAO SAME. I just went through a horrible divorce but honestly I don’t even care
True friendship? Girl. I don't even have the friendship part 💀
I think the venmo/transactional aspect also highly depends on culture. Here in the Netherlands, we will ask for 2 euro via tikkie (dutch venmo) and not think anything of it.
Also "going dutch", or paying for your own part has been done for many generations here, that's why its even a term in englih (i think)
furthermore, we have such a honest and straightforward culture, that when you say you should hang out again, people will expect to hang out again
i got really into stoicism a year or so ago, and the affect it had on my personal relationships is the biggest thing ive noticed. relinquishing the illusion of control over my friends and family actually gives me space to see that everything isnt about me. things i used to be very insecure about that would lead to problems in my friendships have become non-issues when i realize that most things arent that deep (or personal) and the world doesnt revolve around just me. this has made me a lot more relaxed and understanding towards my friends and makes it much harder to view my relationships as transactional! all i can control is how i act and treat people, so now i focus on that instead of worrying what people think of me or if they like someone else more. its been really freeing honestly and i have a much better grip on who i am as a person which was always something i struggled with in friendships! seeing friendships as transactional will have you acting crazy because you're trying to "prove your value" to make someone like you or see you a certain way, which can lead to super inauthentic relationships.
What did you read? I want to feel the same
Happy Birthday Mina!!!!!!! 🎁🎂🍰💜💟
I wish you the best in life and I hope you achieve all your goals and aspirations. 🍂🎂
that 88 percent of men, 18 percent of women was so funny to me. like yeah one of us is emotionally immature you'll never find out who
i'm 20 and i've kept in touch with every friend in my life, in some way (or we mutually lost touch). i just had my first real friend breakup and wow they suck!! this video taught me a lot, thank you :)
The whole thing of " networking " is also an issue as well because its saying you need to befriend people on order to gain something. Its so ingenious. I shouldn't become friends with someone for a climb up the ladder .
tbh after losing contact with my 12-year-old frienship I find it so hard to trust others, specially girls. my current roomie is a very sensitive girl so I try to be very careful not to say things or reveal things that might upset her. I also try to not reveal things about myself bc I'm afraid she might tell other people. we've lived for a year now and I don't think she knows the real me... I just think after losing my best friend I will never know true female friendship again
@rainycat173 i feel similar, in that i find it difficult to trust others now. through past experiences and recently losing contact with a long time friend as well, i've given up on finding true female friendship. i wish the best for you :)
thank you! I wish you the best as well and I hope you heal too❤️🩹
Jealousy and especially, dishonesty, kill friendships. I always try to be honest and clear about my feelings towards someone or something, so that they’re not left to their own assumptions. I would much rather have someone say they hate my guts to my face, instead of overthink about why they’re not talking to me anymore like they used to or why the vibe suddenly switched.
I don't live in usa, and the whole concept of sharing your location and money transations with people via a social app is INSANE. for real.
I had the classic best friend growing up. We were besties for over 10 years up until graduating from college. Then she grew more and more estranged and off-handedly told a common friend she just “couldn’t” referring herself to me. I was heart broken and have never quite gotten over it.
Friendship break-ups are the worst, especially when you have no idea wtf happened. I wish she could’ve at least told me she wasn’t vibing anymore.
I wish she had given me a chance to be a better friend, if that was what was happening you know?
I think it's really interesting how dealing with money on outings differs so much depending on where you're from. I'm from a Argentina, a country with an economic crisis and constant high inflation, and this whole 'I will pay for you now, then you pay for me next time' thing is not really something we do because it would be unfair to the person who is paying on the next hangout. Also, expecting someone to round up the number and not pay exactly what they owe you, I think, is quite rude and inconsiderate of the other person's economic situation. Settling a debt is not frowned upon as transactional, it's seen as transparent and respectful.
I'm from Austria, where it seems to be more common to keep your friends from school and maybe university more or less forever. (Might just be my perception, but it's definitely the case for my parents, my friends parents, and most other people I know like my 50 year old boss who just went on a trip with his elementary school homies with who are still his closest friends, soo...). I'm only in my early 20's, but my one best friend I've known since I was three, the other since I was 10. I've obviously made friends since and fallen in and out of touch, but I'm really grateful to have my two girls, who know everything I am and everything I've ever been and who will always be there.