I'm a librarian and i just wanna remind all the beautiful doves out there that their local library is not just a place for books and research but also a place you can exist in for FREE for as long as you want :) its also just a great way to meet those in your community as libraries often hold community events and opportunities to volunteer and learn new skills! Love your videos mina
Yes, I love the library. You can just go there. My local one has a cafe too, where you can sit with your coffee (unfortunately not free) and read your book or meet other library fans - usually those who live close by. It's way easier to make friends here :)
My mother always says “you’re not real friends until you fight”. Today it feels like you can’t argue or disagree with a friend without damaging a friendship or spurring them to ghost you
Maybe a better phrasing would be "You're not real friends until you fight *and make up*"... At least that's what I think? Your mother is right on the money, though!
I def think picking ur friend up from the airport is a bonding experience, like it shows you care for them. The person who said that about their friends obviously doesnt value their friendships
Exactly. I get that some people are busy, but, you know, just say, "I can't. I'm busy." You don't have to rant about how asking a friend for a favor is "selfish".
I was honestly taken aback by that take?? Like why even call it a "friend" if you cant do that. I genuinely thought that was a wholesome and exciting experience for everyone?
Controversial take: for there to be more third spaces, people need to get better at respecting unenforced rules. Automatically knowing not to litter, not to start brawls, not to harass strangers, etc. We’ve become to generally unsociable to just open public areas where everyone can be safe.
Not to mention the fear of being recorded for being in public. People need to stop recording or taking pictures of strangers in public for third places to thrive as well imo
YES!! Agreed! Recently I went to the cinema and this might have been the worst experience ever. People having conversation in every corner of the room throughout the movie, people looking at their bright phones…I remember getting so frustrated in my own head that I thought to myself « when I have my own place I’ll have my own home cinema » …
As a women I quite literally can’t go anywhere or do anything in public without being harassed by men in some way shape or form 🫠 even when i was very obviously a child, grown men would still approach
As a Gen Z man, i think that's why going to the gym has become very popular recently. In many ways, gyms have become some sort of third spaces for many. It is one of the few places where people aren't concerned with school, work or family issues.
Yessss. The gym has become a main social aspect for so many working 9-5. Its the only time we have to take care of our bodies might as well be friendly w those trying to do the same
the number of high-school age children taking over the rooms after workout class says enough. I don't mind personally it's always nice to see young people getting out of their homes to hangout with friends.
Ten year olds are in sephora cause they have nowhere to go. We have removed that awkward in-between phase of life, so you're supposed to go from 12 to 21 overnight. The beginnings of this manifested a few years ago
I mean, what’s up with Disney and Nickelodeon? Why don’t they make shows for this demographic anymore? I’m sure they made a ton of money on those back in the day, so it makes no sense as to why there aren’t any nowadays
@@GH-fb9dhNobody watches cable TV these days. Disney and Nick are desperately trying to grab the attentions of 1~5 year olds because thats whats thats parents let em watch (or some let their kids on screens 24/7) there is no kids show like before because kids are on youtube and tiktok now.
i've never really thought about how the instagram feed discourages everyday people from posting, and therefore lessens even passive interaction between people who actually know each other. that's insaaaaaaane
I haven't posted anything since 2022 on Instagram because I feel like I don't have anything worth posting. I share my pictures and travels directly to my immediate family only
In my PERSONAL experience, I find general reciprocity is more common within the older generation. As somebody who has always lived with their grandparents, i’ve noticed that they have more of a sense of commitment to their community. Such as my grandad buying cashiers chocolate bars, helping a stranger with their push chair or buying somebody hand warmers in the cold. I just think it’s an interesting observation.
I noticed this too! When I was a cashier, I had an older customer who would regularly buy me starbucks simply because I chatted with him at the line - he said he wasn't used to it and wanted to give me a gift for making his day. It's cute, but sad because I KNOW interactions like that rarely happen with younger generations unless its to be recorded on social media for clout.
I do notice this is true in a lot of cases, BUT that their generalizing for reciprocity is limited to only the people that they approve of. Just for a personal example, I have always looked pretty young and even now at 31 I get carded every single time and often clocked for early 20s. So when my kids were a few years younger I’d get a lot of dirty looks and quick shuffling past by older people because I looked like a single teen mom. It didn’t matter that I’ve been married with their dad for 12 years or that I have two college degrees, they just saw me as a teen mom and therefore beneath their kindness and generosity. But now that my kids are older so they can extrapolate that I’m older, we get a lot more pleasant interactions; older ladies will chat with me for 15-20 minutes at the library or grandpa types will buy my daughter’s ice cream in the grocery store line. So I think the trickle down effect of this over time is that most younger people haven’t ever experienced this generalized reciprocity from the older generations, so they’ve missed out on the chance to see how important and meaningful it is to building a community.
I'm 45. Considering how many serial killers and criminals were cage-free even when I was a kid in the 80s, it's kind of amusing how dismissive we generally are, haha. I still tend to stick with people who don't give off the cannibal murderer vibe. You're more likely to get that thank you, that smile and wave back, a little bit of waiting in line conversation from people my age and up. The rest are so down their own navels/locked into the phone/have earbuds in it's almost no use. If you can make them notice you, you'll at least get a nod and that's usually enough for me from a stranger. Malls used to be tween/teen Third Places, but we're busy killing those. More effort needs to go into public parks. The easiest place to make a basic-needs human interaction is at the park or waiting in a line. It's shared circumstance and/or interests of the moment. This is just my anecdotal experience. I know younger people who participate in the world, and at least one friend older than myself who should have the posture of a sphere given his iPhone is all but surgically grafted to his eyeballs.
i'm also going to major in urban planning! and yes i'm glad our generation values third places, walkability and urban infrastructure that brings people together
I never really used to think about urban planning until I started doing the Jane’s walks every year. That woman was brilliant. You can’t help but start to think about walkability. The amount of community gardens seems to be on the rise as well which can only be a good thing.
Not Just Bikes and Strong Towns are great urban planning RUclipsrs highlighting the importance of walkable neighborhoods. Good luck in all your endeavors!
The point of reusable water bottles is to cut back on single use bottles. It's supposed to last to cut back on consumption. Collecting water bottles is dumb and defeats the purpose.
Collecting water bottles is completely fine, collections are kinda pointless sometimes. If a few of the cups are getting used, probably they even use them in rotation, they are fulfilling their purpose. You don't own just _one_ drinking glass, just because you technically only ever use one at a time. It _does_ defeat the purpose of these cups to throw them out after a few years, and it does defeat their purpose to fill them with water you bought in bottles. Whiiiich are things that are probably happening/ going to happen.
Yeah like I’ve had my hydroflask since I was 13 (8 years ago) and it’s still going strong. I’ve had to resist so many temptations to get new colors and new brands that look nice, because it’s not the point. These things can last a really long time when they’re well taken care of.
@@anzaia2164 I don’t own just one drinking glass because I have a dishwasher, live in a home with more than one person, and have guests sometimes. A reusable bottle is meant to replace a single-use water bottle, and last for years. You do not need more than one.
If a friend isn’t willing to pick me up from the airport for the sole reason that I won’t pay them for their “lost time,” then I would likely begin questioning the validity of that friendship.
Hell, my brother wouldn’t pick me up at the airport when my flight got cancelled and the airport was closing for the night. Talk about feeling abandoned.
Had it happen to me years ago. I thought she was a friend. I kept her updated on my now husband joining the military and when the time came that I would fly out to see him graduate, she said sure! Then afterwards she’s like asking for money??? I ghosted her. That was very uncool and inappropriate.
I had a “friend” abandon me when i told them i didnt feel save enough to drive. They literally left to have a sleepover with another friend and when i asked i could join they just straight up said no and left. I had to sit in my car for a while till i calmed down
One of the biggest shocks of my life after finishing school was realising how difficult it is to maintain friendships and if you're not literally forced to interact with someone regularly (be it because of attending the same classes in uni/college or because of work), it's really hard to make friends and maintain those relationships. I make an effort to go to events that interest me and talk to other people there, but so far, I've only managed to befriend like two people. The whole "friends for life" crap is a total lie, because people are very quick to cut you off even if you were inseparable, the moment it starts to need some effort to maintain a friendship - for me frendhsips almost always felt one-sided, because if I didn't make the effort, the other people never did, which is why I only managed to stay in touch with one person from school, despite us living in different countries. The big problem is, I think, it's not hard to find friendly people out there, it's hard to find people who are just as willing to maintain a friendship beyond the common space you are "forced" to exist together.
I think in the past, people went thru much more intense/tragic circumstances that bonded them for life. For instance, intergeneration living during the Depression, men going thru war or boot camp together, women being there thru child birth or death with each other. Much more severe medical struggles, due to lack of technology, etc...my great uncle maintained friendships with all of his buddies from high school, because they all enlisted in the marines together during WWII. They got married & their wives became friends, their kids were raised to be friends. family units were stronger, so your siblings were life long friends. your female relatives would bond over childrearing. Now, every thing seems like a competition with people, families are geographically spread out, & women don't stick to hanging with women & likewise for men. we have fractured the social bonds... the only person that I see that I went to school with/grew up with is my hubby😁. We grew up down the road from each other. I haven't interacted with any school 'friends' in 25 years.
@WayTooEleni -- So much this! A lot of people are only "friends of convenience". If I make a good friend, who is equally invested in the friendship, I go out of my way to keep them. Even if, like my bff, they don't live nearby me. Due to my bff's schedule and health, they aren't able to come to me. But they love hosting me, and we don't have to do anything in particular to just enjoy each other's company. It's worth the travel time. . I just wish more people were willing to make the effort and keep their promises to be a real friend who makes space for others in their lives. And I do realize it IS an effort -- it takes time and energy. But for our own mental health's sake if nothing else, it's worth it to do it. It's a cost that gives plenty of gains back if both halves of the relationship share the burden to reap the reward.
A lot of people are also very tired now. Theres also this thing of you cannot just truly hangout with a friend, doing nothing because thats wasting time. You always have to be doing smt, going somewhere. And because people are tired now, they don't have the energy to do that.
@@DrBitchcraft. And isn't that a funny conundrum. Because one of the easiest ways to 'hang out' while being 'tired' is to DO nothing. our culture has gotten so weird! My favorite thing to do is to just sit with a friend over a cup of coffee & chat or look at the projects/garden/etc that we've been working on. but my mom is like the type you are referring to - must be 'doing something' - hiking, shopping, etc...can never just relax. weird.
The US basically criminalizes hanging out outside lol. They call it loitering. There are a lot of barriers for some reason to social connection in certain parts of the US. I remember being downtown in SF and laying on a bench to look at the clouds in front of a building. A security guard with a gun came up to me and told me to leave. I wasn’t allowed to lay on the bench, only sit. Looking up at the clouds was considered wrong and loitering in front of their fine establishment lmao what a joke
laying on benches is policed because of hostility toward homeless people, also why we have hostile architecture to prevent laying down on benches & such !
@@MyraAnn23 mainly local governments and yes they genuinely do criminalize being outside if you’re not spending money, which kids don’t have. a lack of parks and public spaces means that you kinda have to go hang out at businesses. we had malls, but malls are mostly dead after the lockdowns. out of fear of shoplifting or houseless people being okay, the businesses enforce rules against just hanging out.
"Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. " The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery (published in 1943).
My heart beat so fast when I saw what you're quoting. Probably my favourite book of all time. The most precious, little compendium of simple truths in life.
Amen! In DFW we have a new library (Frisco) that was built to be a third place. It's not a traditional library where you have to be quiet and can't eat. They encourage you to stay for hours. The layout is *chef kiss*! There's a section where kids can play make believe and run around and be ... kids BUT you can barely hear them upstairs where it opens up to their floor. And if you need the absolute quiet they have a section upstairs that damn near sound proof! I swear when I opened the door the silence was sooo loud 😂 And they have a shaded patio that I can't wait to try when it warms up. Only 2 con are that it's so far in the suburbs it's hard to get there on public transit and they need more parking.
@@MieyaOladipupo That library is crazy! I took my little cousin there bc the video game museum was next-door. It's a really cool spot. I'll also say the Gaylord Texan is another cool third place to just hang out at.
I think it’s really difficult making new friends or maintaining friendships. Most people simply do not want to put in the effort. Too many people want to be the “low maintenance” friend. They feel like it’s okay to only talk once or twice a month and hardly hang out. You can’t depend on people like that. And then I look clingy for actually wanting to talk and spend time with people! I gave up. I understand that some people genuinely are busy and I respect that, but most of the time it’s people you aren’t a priority to them. They won’t spend time with you, but then you’ll see them spending time with other friends.
For real. I don't understand how some "friend" groups can operate as basically just a collection of counter-dependent acquaintances that meet up on a semi regular basis. No depth. No warmth. Everyone's afraid of rejection so in the end no one tries making that bid for deeper connection. Everyone wants to act perfect or cool or whatever and not seem vulnerable since everyone fears being perceived as weak or incompetent. It's all just one big status/social game of who's the best. I'm lucky that I have a best friend that I can trust and depend on (and vice versa). Quality relationships > Quantity relationships, right?
Wow, I could have written this comment. I have actually stopped trying to ask people to hang out because I know I looked clingy when I used to do it and get rejected.
Maybe we think about these labels differently, but I kinda relate. I want to be the low maintenance friend, because I feel like I have been very high maintenance the last few years with my mental health. I love my friends but I don't see them much or talk to them much. I'm not scared of being vulnerable, they all know what I'm going through, I talk about it. I just feel like too much of a burden with how I feel most of the time in my depression. I don't really have much to talk about, I don't really have energy to do much, and people, even people who love you will struggle with listening to depression talk for too often. Ibe been recently reexamining a lot of that. I feel like a lot of my friends are so used to function around being hyper self sufficient and low maintenance that they either expect the same from their friends or they not only never ask but started refusing help to maintain that feeling. Which somewhat makes me feel like more of a burden for needing support, or for at the very least wanting a relationship where we support each other for fun. Come hang out with me while I cook, help me clean up, whatever.
Most people who are like that dont WANT to be 'the low maintenence friend' at all. Its just thatvthis soceity tires us out and works us to the bone everyday so we literally sont have the energy to do a lot of actibe things anymore. Trust me we wish we had more enery but we just dont
things like giving people a ride to the airport is THE THING that builds the deepest friendships. Ask people for favors, and they can ask you back. In the moments of give and take, friendship will occur, and it will be so much deeper than endless coffee dates that lack any give and take.
totally agree! I feel happy when friends ask me for a favor because I can positively contribute to their lives which in my opinion has intrinsic value.
so. accurate. the rides to the airport example.. I remember when I reached the age of being old enough for my friend to take time to the airport and to get picked up *from* the airport by a friend. it is honestly really special. here’s to growing up. :)
I wonder how much gas prices and sprawl affect this. I'm 21 and I started driving when gas soared. So all my friends were always pinching pennies for gas money. And in Texas you need a car to get anywhere. It was cool since we always carpooled. Five in one car 5 in another. Listening to music and hitting the drive in.
Thinking about it, maybe thats why the summer of Pokemon Go is still so well beloved today, because we were mostly outside, mostly bonding with other people irl *and* on top of that had good reason to talk to a whole bunch of other people in PARKS, a free third place available to all
That's a really good point! I wasn't even involved in it myself, but I did drive my brother around town so he could focus on finding the pokemon. I remember it as a really nice bonding time between us. Thanks for bringing back those memories :)
That really was an incredible time. And I think everything felt a little less gloomy because it was pre-Covid. I think whether a lot of of us want to admit that or not, Covid really did put a damper on public gatherings. Even to this point, I have to push down anxiety that I never used to have when I’m in a crowded space. Although that could also be the never ending gun violence in America that’s also making me nervous in crowds. 🤷🏻
@@sailorspice Its my go to for any new country still, firstly because its easy to meet new people and secondly because the pokestops are a built in tour guide if you read what they say. Ive found some incredible things from it even though I play only sparingly
The preteen girl problem isn't even limited to sephora. Like I work at a thrift store and there are massive groups of middle school girls that come in and are so rude and messy, it's insane
Lmao. In small town Midwest America, where the only store is Walmart and they still do this shit. Stealing, making messes just to watch us clean it up , and all that. Literally can’t say shit either beyond asking them to leave once or twice politely because our heads will be on their parents platter if we so much insinuate that they are nuisances.
I saw a mob of them in Target the other day destroying the make up section. All were in the 9 to 12 range & not an adult in sight. I needed mascara but didn't even want to go down the aisle, so I paid an extra $3 for the same mascara at CVS. 😒
Exactly. I’ve worked part-time at Anthropologie for 15 years as of March. So I’m not there as much, but when I am, the cluster of little girls are trying on the clothes and stepping out of them and leaving them on the floor. And for those with allergies, the best part is they are spraying way too much perfume on and around the perfume station. But we see adults do this too. It’s annoying in all age groups. But for the kiddos… never a parent in sight when the gaggle of girls come in. Never. There is literally one child who comes in with her parent who likes our clothes and is like an adult in an 11 year old’s body. She is a unicorn among untamed ponies. She’s very respectful, doesn’t talk over her or interrupt mom, and is kind. All the staff love her. She’s our last hope y’all 😂
I'm from Croatia, and what you describe as "general reciprocity" is considered as "normal" to us. The same goes for "third places", since we have a culture of sitting at the coffee shop for at least two hours drinking coffee and talking to your friends. Almost every neighborhood has coffee shops on the first floor(ground floor) of the residential buildings, as well as giant parks where kids go to play.
Also in Croatia (I'm from Croatia) kids can go pretty much anywhere on foot, they don't need to drive. Also there is less danger (still not danger free, no place is) so parents let kids out more
I’m Croatian and finally visited last year and was amazed at the pace of life and generosity we received. i love how ppl took their time and cooked for each other and insisted on hosting… definitely shifted my perspective living in Canada
it's kind of the same in italy, you can get an espresso at a cafe and sit there for an hour and it's considered acceptable. ever since moving to the uk, i feel a bit uneasy about spending time in cafes because i get the feeling that when i finish my drink i'm meant to leave :/
I would argue that the lack of homeownership/rentership plays a part in the growing isolation trend. As an adult who still lives with their parents it’s impossible to ever invite friends over. If I had my own home/apartment I would love to host little dinner parties, afternoon tea, or just have a place where my friends can crash for a night or two.
Agreed, I moved out of my parents house and decided to pay extortionate rent just so I could freely date/get laid/not have to answer to anyone. Being in your late twenties and having to tell your mum where you're going/when you're coming back does a number on your confidence. I just wanted to feel like an actual adult. I resent the rent but I've never been happier.
Also often times our parents generation bought fully into suburbia when it was affordable so the places we live with then are extremely isolated from people in our peer groups. I live with my family in a community that either their age+ or the children of those folks. There’s nothing really around besides strip malls but the few social things that are around cater to a senior demographics. And like yeah spending time with seniors is nice and valuable, I do like the library, but we HIGHLY need peer groups ://
Oh yeah, I want kids.. but I’m waking up every morning to clean up after his parents and take care of their dog. At night, I need to make sure they eat. It’s as if purgatory and hell had a hallway.. I’m in it. When he talks about moving out, his mother tells him she can’t live alone.. she CAN clean up after herself but chooses not to. It’s like our generation is getting deleted. We don’t get that transition time where we leave to start a family.. and then bring the parents in to care for them..
I remember being a new mom and lamenting over having nowhere to go which didn’t require standing in line (horrible thing with babies and small children) and buying something and then sitting stiffly in a chair in some shop. I would drive around searching for some place to just sit and not be required to engage in the demands of a retail space. So I couldn’t leave the house bc there was nowhere to go which we could just “be.”
@@laurel1865definitely hard to do if you have multiple children like me that are all different ages so you’re having to run a round with them and actively watch them so they don’t get hurt. Especially if you are a sahm and are by yourself every day.
@@dianalove539 definitely not a library that wasn’t kid friendly but most are so that seems okay. Still hard if you have children who can walk and then a baby who can’t which I have 3 so yeah lol. Friends house would probably only be another parents in fear that my children would wreck their house or break something. Little children tend to roam and touch everything. Also definitely don’t take my kids to the gym. I love that they aren’t in preschool so they don’t get sick all the time.
So many of my classmates from NYC brag about hanging out in abandoned churches and buildings. I remember thinking “is there nowhere better to spend time?” In Taiwan, we have tables in every 7-11 and a 7-11 on every block! Lots of people spend time outside in parks and lots of stores have cafes or tea shops above them to eat in. It makes me really sad that we are encouraged to remain in our private spaces in the USA.
@@randomtinypotatocried and in the UK. I mean, they do have coffee shops and such here but they're overcrowded and expensive. Access to nature or green spots like parks is pretty limited if you don't have a car. Back home I could walk in any direction and find a nice looking park without too much hassle. I was wondering why are British so much more into consumerism but now I understand. They kind of don't have a choice when concrete city centre is their only option.
@@kagitsune It's not just Taiwan. It's literally every single country in Europe, from rich to poor, too. I'm imagining most of Asia, too. America is an insane dystopia with how it organizes its spaces.
@@selkiefluffno, probably not, i dont know how every country in europe is like but where i live in europe(france) , the people here are the same as op described her new yorkers classmates , and it gets more like this during winter where its too cold to go outside and actually enjoy anything and spend time. At most, when i was in school , people would brag about going to small football stadiums to talk or eat at a fast food joint. This could just be a western thing where people in the west are encouraged to remain in their private spaces and isolate themselves.
I noticed that people are becoming more individualistic and seem to think of friends as inconveniencing them if their friends don’t have a perfect life and never vent or have any sort of issues because of the “high vibration only people” who only want to be around “winners”
steer clear of those ones. They will call you toxic & that you are imposing on them. Where did this whole high vibration/low vibration crap come from. I know of one woman who posts this stuff on FB all the time about clearing out the toxic people. She is now on her 5th husband, has 3 out 4 kids with severe disabilities, had a drinking problem...who's toxic/????? ( i mean the kid issue, one can't control or be discriminated against, but 5 marriages?????) People have become selfish, not individualistic
I feel attacked lol im all for equally yoked relationships but I do see people as major inconveniences at this point in my life since im on a whole spiritual journey and dont have the energy budget to want to interact with low vibrational beings as i dont want their energy to deplete mine. Especially since i know my boundaries arent all the way up to par yet and ive only been in relationships whether relatives or "Friends" that habitually use me/take from me without pouring anything into me back.I think people are becoming more aware of toxic individuals and how it effects their lives so they're cutting people off more
Yes!!! The increased phenomenon of people complaining about others "trauma dumping" and "oversharing" is a perfect example of this. I've seen so many people say they hate small talk, but then they also seem to hate when people talk about anything real. Of course, there are exceptions; don't dump your shit on someone who is genuinely drowning in their own shit, someone you just met, or an unsuspecting employee who is literally paid to be nice to you. But if people really want meaningful, long-lasting relationships, they need to be willing to be vulnerable with others.
@@JessAnonymous if you stopped using all these crazy BUZZWORDS like 'equally yoked' or 'low vibration' or 'energy budget' you might be a more relaxed & likable person. Being friends with someone means that one has strengths & WEAKNESSES that offset the other's strengths & weaknesses. But what we fail to do any more, is have some compassion & tolerance for other's WEAKNESSES or downfalls, by recognizing that we also have weaknesses, quirks, annoying habits. All the people that are cutting off 'toxic' people will be left alone - because in reality they are the toxic ones. people are part of the Spiritual Journey & if you look at them as inconveniences, I don't honestly know what kind of spirituality you will ever find. sorry
Your point about travelling in cars and not walking also made me think about connection to land/place. I find that people don’t have as much connection to land anymore, which I think is detrimental to our well being and the health of both our immediate environment as well as the environment as a whole.
Cars culture in the US. I once read a book by Jamie Cat Callan titled French Women Don't Sleep Alone (originally published in 2009). It has mentioned about American using their cars as the outerwear, rather than wearing actual nice or flattering outerwear when going outside. The cause is because American go outside without the need to walk and expect to meet other people in a serendipity way. The American have given up impressing people as a way to make genuine connection, while the French don't.
My car was in the shop so I walked 7 miles to my Pilates class, the walk was beautiful and made me feel very connected to the outdoors. But I almost got hit my a car at least 6 times and that was with me being very aware of my surroundings. Made me never want to walk to nearby stores again 😬 our cities are not walkable
@@Angy8935 One time this car almost hit me when I was crossing the part where the sidewalk and curb cut meet. Maybe some of it was my fault, I don't usually look both ways when walking those patches, but this one was weird because he wasn't even turning, just coming from across the street. His vantage point of seeing me was way clearer than me noticing him from my peripheral. My guess is that he was on his phone.
@@DistressedDamsel79 I think most cars just aren’t used to seeing walkers or expecting there to be a walker nearby, that mixed in with their normal carelessness can make it extra dangerous to walk sometimes. Glad they did not hit you!
Oh definitely. I love my car rides because of how cinematic it can be, but I miss how walkable my old neighborhood was. I lived in the Philippines for the majority of my childhood, so it was normal for me to walk to my relatives’ house or the store or something, not to mention public transport was the norm and cars were for those of higher income. I deeply miss walking with my mom to the fish market instead of driving to the grocery store and being bored out of my mind cause it’s the same route over and over again, whereas walking provides more interest and promotes more notice to your surroundings.
As a forty year old man without a wife and kids, I have struggled greatly to maintain my friendships with people I greet up with. Disconnecting from social media has helped, but the constant texting makes it draining and diminishes the potency of hanging out. This video is so accurate. Thank you. New sub.
as a teen who recently lost my few close friends, i think we don't talk enough about how hard making new friends is. it may be my anxiety but i feel like im not "allowed" to talk to people if we dont have a "relationship" of any sort with them. i get a weird look when asking for directions and no one at school bothers to notice my presence. its almost as we discourage meeting new people, it would be weird if i came up to you just to say hey because now nobody does that! everyone is too busy with their own private lives. this makes it 100x harder to make new friends and im afraid i wont ever make them :') (im not sure if i worded this right, english is not my first language.)
Wow, you put into words something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I've recently started university, away from my hometown, and found it incredibly hard to socialise with my peers, as it seems they are all divided into those little groups of people who already know each other. Lots of them have similar interests to mine, yet because of that invisible "bubble" of their prior connection, it's been almost impossible to join in the conversations, without this feeling of not belonging. I think there is something to the idea that meeting new people is subtly discouraged, like there's this unspoken social rule that if you speak to someone who didn't talk to you first, you're intruding on them. Which means that if no one approaches you first, you're kinda screwed. Anyway, sorry for rambling on, but your comment really resonated on a personal level. Not sure if it helps, but you're definitely not alone in the way you feel. Though, I believe the fact that there *are* likeminded people means there is still hope out there, despite everything
@@Daydreamer-vb4edI'm also in college (Sophomore) and the way I made friends and acquaintances is by forcing myself to talk to people I did this to one person and she invited me to meet the rest of her friends now I'm in a group with her and her sister with the rest of her friends
I started Uni again this semester as well and I try to be friendly as possible. I’ve had people ask for directions and I try to give them the best I can. I think it depends on where you go to school and esp your major (poly sci students are usually future law students and they’re kind of mean, Business students are also pretty bland. These are just generalizations I’ve noticed, and they’re not 100% true. The earth sciences and natural science kids are kooky and weird in a good way lol)
Im honestly shook at that take about picking your friends up from the airport?? Like I genuinely thought that was a wholesome and exciting experience for everyone..it made me wanna cry,
I wanted to cry too when I saw that... I love welcoming my friends!!!! And I love getting to see them as soon as I possibly can if I’m the one arriving! If I’m just passing through to somewhere else I’ll invite a friend to get coffee with me at the airport during my layover. Or I’ll crash at their place overnight. Even if I have to let myself in and we only see each other while they rush to get ready for work the next day it’s worth it to us!!! Obviously they can do the same. They could turn up at my home unannounced and stay for a month and I’d be super happy! They could even bring a friend or cousin or someone like that who I’d never met before, I trust their judgement
It's honestly really ugly behavior. I don't get it because people aren't really doing much anyways because we are so hooked on our phones and stay indoors all the time
Ive stayed over friends houses so i'd be able to bring them to the airport in the morning. We got breakfast and everything together. It doesn't have to be viewed as an inconvenience, you can use it as a way to hang out for a bit too
As a therapist, I would venture to say most of my clients deal with these issues, and it's challenging because we are trying to manage this societal issue at the individual level. Everyone is lonely and needing community 💔 I might start sending my clients this video for some psychoeducation because this was well done and highlights the nuances of loneliness and friendships in our culture. I would only add that the focus on romantic love/the nuclear family also has a big role in this.
if there are two parents in the house, no there aren’t they’re both fully expected to dedicate their entire lives to their jobs. they’re not able to raise their kids and when they see them they’re disgusting humans they don’t want to be around
I don’t know if you know of him already, but Dr. K of the channel HealthyGamerGG has touched on this topic a bit & said much of the same. He’s a board-certified psychiatrist & HealthyGamerGG is a company he co-founded to help primarily gamers with mental health, though it’s applicable to the wider technology addicted world . He talks about a host of topics, so check him out! He explains things in a way I find different than many other therapists, it feels more personal. I always feel like he is reading my mind lol.
@@nony_mationo gosh i was just thinking about this... I left church just about 2 years ago. It was honestly an unhealthy environment where i had no real friends anyway (except maybe 1 or 2, whom i fear i am drifting apart from) . Now, at 40, i just have... youtube and my art? I have been finally starting to branch out and pursue my interests with other people (ex. I started getting involved in community theatre). So far, that has led to, as the video called it, commemorative friendships. It feels so great, like i finally belong... and then it ends. I know it takes time to build deeper relationships, but it gets hard and lonely sometimes, for all the reasons cited in this video. I have concluded that when i left church, i didn't realize that i also left community. And now i struggle to find more suitable replacement.
I've definitely brought this up in therapy and I was pretty sure that most of us are dealing with these things, but it's a small consolation. thanks for confirming though :)
@K.C-2049 I agree. I have a meeting with my on-campus therapist tomorrow right before class. Hopefully my eyes won’t be bloodshot red by the time I’m through with expressing how I feel. That was the only time I was able to get someone who I felt comfortable to talk to as well.
The whole topic about friends having access to you forever online, including friends that should have naturally faded away is something I talk about CONSTANTLy. It’s messed up so much about how I view my friendships.
This is such an interesting thought..It makes me think about how I tend to get overwhelmed with messaging back and forth with ppl and tbh I realized I can only maintain actual close relationships with a handful of people. Sometimes it makes me believe like I'm a bad friend whereas in reality some connections are just more shallow - which is fine!
The loneliness has gotten to the point where I strive to be a social butterfly and host events at my house or other places with friends and friendly acquaintances. Most of the time, they’re a hit! But of course life gets in the way and an event gets canceled every now and then, but I can at least look forward to the next one.
Same- but it’s honestly discouraging how many people cancel. I always anticipate that at LEAST half will flake, usually more. I get that sometimes things come up, but more often than not it’s just a “I love cancelling plans” meme situation. :(
In the Library profession, we’ve been discussing how libraries have become Third Places for many. Check out your local branch and see if they have any classes! Our painting and crafting classes are very popular
sadly lack of covid safety makes most public spaces including libraries an inaccessible and increasingly dangerous place for people to be, especially those of us suffering from long covid.
"you can just scroll through someone's public instagram stories and it gives you the illusion of maintaining that friendship" I wanna add that if you're on their close friends list it feels like you are best friends even though you can not talk for months except for reacting and commenting on each other's stories 💀
It’s literally so sad. I had unfollow half of my class because I was just following people to feel like I was friends with them but forgetting who they were and realizing I was sitting there “keeping up” with people I didn’t even know :/
This!!!! My Bestfriend and I had a fallout because I kept explaining how we don’t talk, I’m just in all her private stories and close friends but WE DONT TALK, she tells me that talking is too draining and I was very understanding about it but I started to feel like she never wants to talk but can post all day on her story. I still hope we can fix things, I even have her birthday gift in my room for 2 months now but she won’t tell me when she’s free because she “forgets to respond” but then tells me “I think about you more than you know” but we can never get out of the phone and just talk things out face to face. (Sorry for dumping on you 😭)
Economics play a big role in loneliness. I for one don’t like bringing friends over to my house because I live at home with my family. I don’t really have a place to host my friends unless it’s to go out and spend money.
I feel like this is part of the problem though! This isn’t personal criticism at all, idk your circumstances and I’ve felt the same. But in most cases this shouldn’t be an issue! Generally speaking people’s family and friends should be able to get along? Like sure having time for just friends or just family is nice. And not everyone’s going to be bffs when the groups mix, but they shouldn’t need to be to have a nice time together!! As long as you’re considerate in choosing when you invite people over and your friends know how to be respectful of other people’s space it should overall be fun, or at least healthy, for everyone. And it’s so easy to worry that there isn’t space in a small home but often you can make do. Some of the best social events I’ve been to are ones where I sat on the floor to eat because there weren’t enough chairs
@@EmL-kg5gni feel that part of the issue is that they might not be in best relationship with the family to be properly comfortable to bring friends into the home. I am in the same situation rn and while we are able to live together just fine, I do not feel close with my family and so I don't want to "mix" groups. It's kinda sad, but it is what it is :')
Ugh I feel this so much! I don't like hosting friends because my parents hoard everything and our toilet is broken and there's mold everywhere and rats because we're too poor to hire people to fix things and my dad doesn't care to fix things so we live around it, only my super close best friends have come over. I always say when I move out I can host but I'm worried it'll be late when that time eventually comes
Sadly, it's expensive to have friends in most cases. If you don't have money, you have no friends. Because keeping friends is expensive, especially nowadays. Just to get out of my house it would cost an arm to commute in my area, not to mention the places we'll go to and food will eat.
I just moved to a very rural area for a one year thing and I actually found myself increasingly going to the store to literally buy ANYTHING multiple times a week because there is nothing else to do no bars no coffee shops etc….. this phenomenon of hyper-consumerism and a lack of stimulating environment or activities is spot on. Definitely needs more attention by city planners and ppl for populated areas that still have nothing to do despite being surrounded by 100000s of people.
@@jozigirl7114way to completely miss the point of the original comment. Maybe stop barking orders at strangers on the internet, go out, get a hobby yourself.
Grew up rural, and just walking around Walmart was pretty big on the list of hangout spots cause there was just nothing else. Even that's not an option like it used to be anymore cause it closes at 11 now after covid, and everything else closes way earlier.
@@OneBeachKitty who asked you, 😸 do you live in a rural area? I do. Its great. Loads of different things to do. Rambling, knitting, sewing, spinning wool, flower pressing, stargazing... If you think that learning something new is lame - you're a terribly boring and lazy person, and I feel sorry for you.
Imagine being too busy to pick up a loved one from the airport?? I thought a prerequisite of being friends is doing stuff for each other and expecting nothing in return because that's how you show someone that you care about them.
I 100% agree. I was BAFFLED by that HUSTLE BRO saying that, and it was so hard watching those clips? Like FR?!?!? I wish they said spoke. Money is makes this stupid, capitalistic society we are in a little easier, but I could never imagine saying that to someone I cared about.
It surprised me too. I felt honoured when a friend asked me to pick them up at the airport last year. Like theyve just got from/are starting a trip and they wanna see me first thats so nice to me… I printed out a silly sign and got there really early and they got me a coffee as a thank you. I really cherish that memory!
my friend wouldn't drive me to the E.R because he was about to go to bed. Which i understand if you have to be up early for work. But couldn't be me lol
As a disabled person who is often not able to leave the house, or even my bed, the internet as a third space has quite literally saved my life. Just wanted to add a slightly less dystopian perspective about it all here.
Cool, I'm happy for you all I hope your online communities continue to exist as a place for you all. It's destroying the rest of society though so we need to find a solution here 🙏🏾 for people who can be outside they need to be outside. The Internet and more specifically social media is a black hole for many, whatever marginal benefits exist are offset by the horrible drawbacks to basically socialization. Yes I'm on here and have been on here and will continue to be on here. It is still not optimized for human connection
@@SolAya21 I don’t think the solution is a segregated society where able-bodied people go outside and disabled people stay on the internet. I think it’s okay and normal that the internet is a scary and weird place, it is extremely new as a tool, that doesn’t mean it can’t, or wont, get better with more time and innovation.
So what are we supposed to do? How can we start to get back to easily making friends, creating third place, and normalizing basic communication? This isn’t me being devil’s advocate, I’m genuinely asking if anyone has any proposals 😭
what I've done is volunteered at the local museum, taken community ed courses, joined a sailing club, (where we literally go out in small sailboats) find something you love to do, (knitting, gaming, bowling, cosplaying, dancing, quilting, joining a community band or chorus, making miniatures) and at least you and these other people will share a common interest or goal. @@afrofaeries
Little girls wanting to grow up so quickly makes me so sad. They have no idea how many 20 year olds spend their days wishing they could go back or remember their childhoods.
Same. Im in my 20s and I feel that if conditions were different in the world I might be enjoying adulthood much better but with how things have turned out and are now I associate having a community and friends and free time, and feeling generally happy and ok all with childhood and to a extent teens too. I would do anything to go back so seeing kids wanting to get here do bad is very strange to me.
@missline9204 no I get the point I'm just saying at 20 you are still very much not yet an adult. So at 10 or 12 or 15 yeah you're a baby and parents should let kids be kids and discourage this weird behavior
as someone who is aromantic and deals with a LOT of loneliness because of it, i love that you brought up friendships needing just as much attention as a romantic partnership! a lot of the time my friends go off with partners or spend more time texting them and im left behind, we definitely need to start putting more effort into friendships
I would really recommend people making friends outside of their age group. I have friends in their 60s from my choir and they are amazing. They have incredible lives and they'll randomly come out with something like 'My brother made a dulcimer out of a kitchen door in the 50s' and I'm like 'WHAT?!'. They're so fun. And they don't care if you are cool or not like some younger people do, they just care if you're nice or not.
But what do you bring to the relationship? Sure, they're interesting and enrich your life with their stories and that's so random and fun hahahahahaha, but what do they get in return? All you're doing is recommending that other people take from older people because they're more likely to give. What are you giving?
@@iarlais397 lmao my day has been great, you wacko. It's a genuine question and one you should always be asking yourself with every relationship. You have to know what you're bringing, what you offer, otherwise you're a taker and they are the ones giving, and that isn't fair to them. That you're so defensive and quick to attack a stranger for asking a valid question clearly demonstrates that you know full well you aren't bringing anything and are exactly the kind of person that you're trying to avoid.
It’s so interesting that third places have become a buzzword recently. I’m an urban planner and these are thoughts that dominate my head space 24/7. It makes me so happy that people are starting to understand how important it is to have public space especially social infrastructure. Our politicians have disinvested from the public realm and have supplemented this with privatization of every public sector and individualized the burden of living in a malfunctioning country.
Thanks for talking about ghosting; it was really validating about being ghosted by someone I used to be really close to. One day she just...stopped texting back. About anything. I even reached out to mutuals to make sure she was okay. She was fine, just...not talking to me. Idk, maybe this happens all the time, but it's the first time it's happened to me so blatantly. Not knowing why genuinely hurts. It still hurts. It leaves an empty place where there used to be warmth, and there's so little warmth nowadays that losing even a little bit can leave this gaping hole in your life. In books and movies and fictional stories with satisfying endings, the main character always gets closure. That last conversation to end a relationship, or the reason why things didn't work out, or the big cathartic blowup where everyone clears the air about their feelings. Real life isn't like that. You hardly ever get true closure on the everyday things that itch in the back of your mind, and part of growing up is learning to live with that and move past it.
It's so devastating to be on the different "friendship level" with your group. Coming up with any excuse/activity/place to meet up and to face the brick wall of disinterest. They think it's all right to text and to see each other once a year, while you're wondering whether you have any friends at all.
This comment really resonated with me. Since I’ve moved and all my friends are spread out, no one is willing to drive and come see me anymore and think texting is just fine and only seeing each other every six months. Bruh we’re in the worst of times.
@@aimeewilson4505my friends live 5 minutes away and don't come visit. And I try. Always the initiator. It hurts, but somehow this thread made me feel less alone. I don't use any social media, so I am usually forgotten about completely. Edit to include I hope you found some peace of mind in here too. I realize now my comment looks up-stagey and that was 100% not my intention. Trying to be relatable but failing: another harsh side-effect of this problem
This happens with me and I hate it. I prefer to hang out regularly if possible and to keep in contact through texts and/or social media too. I have some friends I see once or twice a year, and they don’t seem interested in being closer, even if we used to hang out nearly every day.
Ok, here I am crying because of a trembling hollow feeling of alienation and loneliness in my chest today looking for a way to soothe myself and here is Mina ready to speak to my soul 😅
Liking this just because it has third spaces in the title...please get involved locally and advocate for increased walkability, bikeability, and increased transit with denser developments, a huge reason we don't have third spaces is that we're atomized in cars. Strong Towns has good ways to advocate, I also have tips.
@@daniellebalouise9596 Urban, suburban or rural, what we all need is parks, libraries, community centers, artists & musician places, literally anything people can gather without spending any moneyor getting harassed by cops/security/Karens etc.
I do some work yearly in Cuba, I am in love with their plaza culture. In every neighbourhood there will be, if not one, multiple plazas with trees and many places to sit. Until the early hours of the morning, any day a week, you’ll find kids, teens, young adults, adults, and elderly people hanging out, singing, dancing, playing music, playing dominoes, etc. I remember walking down the street in Piñar del Río on a Wednesday night and it felt more alive than the capital city of my province in Canada on a Friday night. They literally cannot understand it when us Canadians and Americans told them that often we don’t talk to, or even know our neighbours. In Cuba they’ll have block parties every month, and I’ve been to three and they’re an incredible time!! Watched an all teenager band play some of the coolest funk I’ve heard, at the block party.
I worked at Sephora in 2016… as soon as the Rihanna line dropped and Marc Jacob’s beauty was getting big we had SO many young girls STEALING this stuff lol. Like honey that $100 palette isn’t like stealing from the dollar store, you will get taken to the back
I recently moved to China and the emphasis on public transit or things being within walking distance of each other has been MIND BLOWING. While there aren’t a million true “third places” but there’s so much outside seating in shopping centers very obviously not dedicated to a store and encouraging groups to sit. There are restaurants that are very intentionally meant to be a group meal more about socializing and spending time than eating. People here are so quick to grab or link arms while they walk with you and I can’t remember a time I’ve ever had that experience. It’s great.
I’ve noticed that working class and poor are more likely to help each other. Because they don’t have the money for task rabbit. And the favor is often paid back by helping them move or take them to the airport. People who have the money to pay for that, won’t ever ask friends to do this stuff.
rural people too. not even necessarily poor rural, just having very few people around makes you very dependent on the few that are there. Plus, you tend to be related to them or have lived in the same area for generations & 'know' everyone. I tell our new seasonal neighbors that come from cities that our most valuable resource in the country is our RELATIONSHIPS. Please, don't come here & shit them up. In long island you can piss the mechanic off because there are 3 more on the next block. In the country there is ONE & you will have to bump into him in the minimart, church, town hall, etc...you are forced to be nice to people & to do for others because you WILL need their help in the future.
Great video ❤ when I worked at a free museum we were discussing how libraries and museums were kind of the only places left that were still warm and safe that weren't constantly trying to sell you something
Oh my god, I moved to the States in 2022 from Germany and the non existence of third place(at least where I live) combined with the fact that I can’t walk anywhere is exactly why I struggle. I always say I feel like I live in a ghost town, because nobody just goes outside. When I try and voice this problem, nobody understands what I’m trying to sayyyyy. Mina Le always helps me understand why America is the way it is ❤
Agreed. I live in the suburbs and it’s like a rat living in a maze. Just endless rows of the same exact house. No one outside. Don’t know the neighbors really. It’s very isolated. It snowed in Nashville last week. I drove around multiple neighborhoods and never saw a single snow man. What happened to fun? It was the first snow of the year and no kids even went outside to build a snow man??? Wth?
Apparently, after the world war 2, they didn't even bother building sidewalks in a lot of suburbs which is 🤯 I had never really realized how walking was not a thing 🤣
Also because the US is car dominated, so you physically cannot just be outside in most places without getting harassed or killed. People don't just *walk*. Cars destroyed this country.
I wonder too, if the influence of social media has really reduced our willingness to have people over at our homes. Every house that we see curated by influencers is aesthetic and clean and not really representative of what the average person‘s home looks like. If that’s the expectation that we feel like we must live up to, and that other people are also expecting in our own space, I think that makes us less willing to socialize within our own homes.
I agree with this I have 2 sister in laws that just built beautiful homes but they won't even have their kids birthday parties at their house because of what they think people will say about their house .. it's silly and sad
I totally agree with this but I think a bigger factor is the fact that housing is so expensive and most young adults live with multiple roommates. It feels rude to have friends over when your other roommates are home. But when you all live with roommates....
Yes, absolutely, this has happened to me, I can confirm this is true. All of these videos of influencers that make crazy amounts of money and buy amazing apartments at 22 are not most people's reality. And all of us consciously or not have this stupid pressure to make houses aesthetic just so that we feel like we fit in. I only have people over when I'm alone and the house is clean and tidy, I over stress over having aesthetic furniture and other meaningless stuff. But all of this, as stupid as it sounds, is imposed by t social media. It's crazy
On the note of the "you need to go to therapy section" I've also seen an increasing amount of takes online that friends who share their problems with you are inherently toxic and manipulative and it's like.... do you really not care?? About your friends?? It just baffles me. I for one probably wouldn't be alive rn if I hadn't had my friends but hey
I understand what you mean, but I think people meant something that becomes more and more common I noticed. Some people become friends with you and basically treat you like a free therapist. They only come to you to vent, ask for advice, then proceed to not listen to said advice and later blame you for not giving them enough attention meanwhile they don't even bother to be there for YOU. It gets exhausting at some point and it IS toxic.
Yes absolutely! I had some toxic friends for awhile and it seemed like any emotion that wasn’t sunshine or rainbows should be taken to a therapist or I was violating their “boundaries”.
Yes! The word is so overused as to lose it true meaning. I heard this on a podcast a few weeks ago: "we consider our isolation as freedom". If you have no real connections, you don't have to give to anyone and you have no responsibility towards anyone. This can feel liberating in the immediate, but in the long term if you help/listen to/ gi to no one, you will have no one to help/listen to/give to you.
never have i seen a video-essay that so-perfectly describes this underlying, lingering feeling of dread and discontentment living in the u.s. seriously, SUCH amazing work done here. thank you for providing such meaningful commentary with thoughtful sources that ALL CONNECT! GENUINELY SCARY HOW IT ALL CONNECTS! specifically the aesthetic curating online, wowow. ya, literal instant subscribe
As someone who is disabled and home bound a lot, this problem has felt suffocating for a while, I’m so glad you have explored the loneliness epidemic! Our communities are just not set up to socialise in person without expense or physical exertion. Love you girlie
I'm not disabled but struggling physically in a way so I'm absolutely exhausted by people suggesting "just get a hobby" when most social hobbies are about sports or crafting which are both inaccessible to me on bad days. And since everything nowadays in membership based, I can't just come in once in a while but have to commit and spend the money regardless of whether I'll be able to come in or not. I wish someone made a video about the loneliness epidemic and chronic illness/disability in specific because that adds a whole new layer of hardships and hopelessness.
@@backtoroots316 i agree 100%, honestly i was thinking of making a video essay on it because it feels like a topic that needs to be highlighted. Its that problem of wanting good social connections but not wanting to compromise wholly by only having online friendships. But when your body is also fighting you it can make the problem that much more exhausting.
@@noodlefoosa5191 I think many people would appreciate a video essay on this! I am grateful for everyone who is courageous enough to make us more visible, knowing how rampant ableism still is in today's society.
I genuinely feel so much better knowing I’m not alone in how isolated I feel. Social media makes it worse because I see all my “popular” online friends constantly posting photos and videos from their socializing and it makes me feel like I’m a weirdo because I struggle to reach out and only have a few close friends who live in different cities. One of my resolutions for this year is to explore my interests more to meet new friends and seek out third spaces, but the social anxiety from Covid/lockdowns makes it reeeally hard to follow through some weeks.
I became jobless in late 2020 and my car broke very shortly after that and I actually got the worst case of cabin fever because NONE of my friends would come to me to see me anymore and I realized it was because I was always the one going to see them but I couldn't anymore so I didn't see some of those friends again. And I've never gotten that sense of "social fulfillment" from interacting with people online so even though I texted or messaged them everyday, I still felt so incredibly alone. I'm pretty sure I lost my ability to socialize and I was an incredibly outgoing person before that. I still struggle to not feel awkward when I talk to people even years later
Joining a gym that does group classes every day has completely transformed my mood. I'm still not making "friend" friends yet, but it's still nice to have a different place to go that's not work/home and see familiar faces.
Yes this has helped me tremendously!! I work remote and look forward to dancing and doing yoga with the groups of wormer. Hang in there eventually you will make friends. Also library is a great place reading is a good way to pass time & lots of museums offer free passes to museums which is also a good way to go out and meet new people.
Nyc is filled with 3rd spaces. Literally everywhere I've seen communities. I try to host at least 1x a week. I had a samba teacher come to my house and teach my friend's and I last week. Sometimes I do movie or cocktail nights. I plan to buy some paint and canvases soon as well. It's great to create memories.
You mentioning the lack of sidewalks made me feel vindicated because my dad’s house was built in a suburban area, but there are no sidewalks. The builders decided to fill in that area with rocks. It drives me nuts!! There’s a regular bus stop and two school bus stops in that area, so passengers have to either wait on the rocks or the street. There’s no benches for people to wait or any overhead covering for bad weather. It definitely felt like the people who designed it have never lived somewhere or had to figure out what people use the area for.
The fact that we all practically live like this, unless we have a good sense of community and connections. It's forced me to just decide maybe I should go back into volunteering, even if I truly wish I could be paid for the time I spend doing so.
I have a group of friends I hag out with regularly. Like 2+ times a week. I am still lonely. It's rough out here. You're not alone in feeling this way.
@@MikuHatsune159 i was so desperate that i tried to volunteer ,only got to lose money for transportation and feel more loneliness since no one really chat with strangers anymore
thank you. i'm 17 and the "grown-up world" looks scary. i've been fearing going into adulthood because how am i supposed not to fear it when all i see adults around me are doing is isolating themselves. this video made me fear that a little bit less. i like the idea of living in my own appartement and having friends come over whenever they'd like and just like building all these friendships. sounds exciting for future me
“Coming over whenever they like” huh. Nope. Well, you do you, but not everyone would like uninvited guests even if they are friends. You can’t possibly have a picture perfect apartment 24/7, there will always be things hanging on your chair, fur everywhere , even if you clean it every day (that is if you have animals), food for guests not ready.
The only thing is that right now, it is 90% impossible to become financially well off as a young person, unless you come from a well off family. It's such an insanely uphill battle. Working your life away for bare minimum money, you're left with no energy to socialize or go out. It's a cycle. We need jobs to pay actual liveable wages, and also the work week needs to be reduced from 50 hours on average to 35, as other countries have done. Capitalism has ruined the individual's existence in America, and other countries as well. We aren't afforded humanity. I moved out when I was 18, and now I'm 26 back living at home because the economy is so fucked.
@@jackapps2126 What's wrong with an apartment that isn't picture perfect, why are things hanging on your chair bad?? Are you seriously trying to claim that having a regular looking apartment instead of some architectural digest open door-esque apartment means that you can never have guests over? You either need better friends or need to stop caring about appearances so much.
I don't usually comment in RUclips, but I wanted to say that having friends close and visit has been the best thing in my life. I have been married for over 6 years and about to have my fourth kid, and the biggest support, besides my wonderful husband, is a friend I live near. And our friendship works because we hangout basically every week, at the drop of a hat no matter the state of our respective homes. We don't judge each other, we help with each other's kids, joys, and struggles. People are always more important stuff. I think you, @aniakw9, have a great vision for the start of your life! Friends make life worth living, and living well!
i'm 17 and i've isolated myself my whole life, and adulthood doesn't look promising. it's also how when you turn 18 or when you're 17 you're expected to be a whole person and be an adult, but i still feel like a kid
I hate when some people act like talking about your struggles and what you are going through with a friend means that you are “trauma dumping” on them. I’m sure that phrase makes sense in certain circumstances, but I feel like most of the time it’s just wanting a friend to give you advice or just a shoulder to lean on and to get things off their chest. Just talking to someone about struggles can really help.
If the majority of interactions is positive (I think there was studies done for romatic relationships with an ideal ratio of 1 to 5 as the ideal) it's fine I think. The original concept of trauma dumping was intended to discourage people randomly bringing up triggering, disturbing stuff to others without consent but it does not mean talking about mental health and having a tough time in general. Two distinctly different things.
This made my childhood feel idyllic. I lived on a cul de sac with other kids my age, parents who were friends and did block parties, a neighborhood to bike around, a gas station that sold slurpees in safe walking distance. We had sports games at school, dances, malls to wander. My mom and I used to visit the same Starbucks as a rare treat and we knew everyone by name. We weren’t wealthy, even poor at some points, but we had community. My parents worried, but never had to REALLY worry. I’ve been through some really hard times, but I feel very grateful after this video.
I'm 32 now and the biggest culprit over the years in my eyes has been social media + phones, the lack of commitment and decline of friendship value in my opinion. During my time as an early teenager, we were a lot more present with each other. We made dates via a landline (imagine that) and met up when we arranged to meet up. Friendships were valued. Outdoor adventures together valued. Work was important but never more important than still having time for your loved ones. Now everyone is busy, living their lifes online, people are not present in the moment anymore and constantly on their phones. It's easy to flake on others and simply send a message to cancel. No one is inclined to make connections in real life anymore, or talk to strangers. I've never had this much trouble making new friends when I moved to a new city. It's truly an epidemic!
I'm 46 and I am that crazy lady that talks to random strangers 😂, just today I offered to take an elderly lady and her groceries home, she thanked me but said that she lived on the next block, hopefully it was true and she wasn't just afraid of me and then as we were leaving my daughter's horse riding school i noticed a teenager from the school waiting at the gate and offered him a ride. People are very wrapped up in a very closed off world, we need to look at strangers in the eye and smile 😁.
I’m 32 also and was just talking about this to my younger two brothers 27 and 29! They also remember life before and after social media and cell phones as we know now. I kind of missed those days back then sometimes!!!!!
The part about backyard chicken is close to my heart. I got 4 hens and a rooster during the CVD. Its so much fun watching them go out and play in the yard. The eggs taste so much better! I loved working from home and watch them through the window. They are/were such happy chickens
The joy/love of backyard chickens can only be truly understood by other fellow chicken owners 😊 they're definitely special creatures and it's so fun to watch their personalities and social circles (I had 22 at one point).
“Don’t ask your friend to pick you up from the airport. Use Uber, save a friendship.” Say you’re a terrible friend and person without saying you’re a terrible friend and person. Like tf are you talking about? Of course I’ll pick you up if you’re my friend
Agree. I think a good friend is worth whatever you were 'meant' to be doing that time, no question. It's interesting to see that there's been a type of people popping up that are only willing to connect when it's convenient for them. I was taught that friendships are like plants, you gotta work for them and be patient. It's not always about you.
Like Mina summarized, it's this cold transactionalism that gig work and stagnant wages has done to us. And that podcast weirdo with the "you're taking $1000s from me" angle reminds me why I avoid speaking to men nowadays, yikes.
Exactly!!! I’m sick, I can’t work at all and I often struggle just to chew three meals worth of food and shower everyday. But I would cry if my friends felt like they couldn’t even ask me 😭 They’re my friends! I can’t push myself all the time and I have to manage my energy but I can push myself occasionally and I would absolutely prioritise something like that 🥺 I get to welcome them, I get to talk with them or sing songs in the car, I get to help them carry their bags. Like why wouldn’t I want to do that if I can?
People who have no real friends are always the ones projecting this narrative the most, and its almost always an American doing it. Then they'll constantly complain about being lonely and then never ask themselves why none of their friendships last
I feel a lot of what you talked about is also related to “individualism” and the whole “if it doesn’t serve you, let it go.” And I feel like that’s been really harmful because we stopped taking other people’s feelings into account. I hate that friends that may have mental health struggles are told to get help, but sometimes all they need is a friend. Taking care of ourselves is good! But at what cost if we lose community?
What she's describing is the death of traditionalism and community and the rise of extreme individualism. A community is not a fake curated space filled with people who think exactly as you do, it's a group full of true diversity of thought and ideas connected by the fact that they live in the same area and are human.
@@sonicleavesI don’t think I’m owed friendship. I just think that individualism has ruined community and is a way to not deal with real problems. Just my opinion though! You can have yours.
@@sonicleavesIn a traditional community a person is owed certain basic respect (hospitality, politeness, mutual aid) in exchange for providing these things for others. One thing I think we miss in the current system is smaller, day to day interactions.
Honestly I dont think we need friendships we need community. Like the ones we used to have at church, small town events, places where we can help and be helped and find a place to belong and purpose. Having friends is great yes but theres more to it imo
A way that I like to communicate more deeply with my friends that are far away (as we're all very busy and phone calls are super hard to schedule) is to send them letters ! We talk more deeply than by messages, and we add delicate intentions such as care to our writing and doing little drawings, stickers, sending candy or a tea bag... I feel like it's really special because you truly take the time to think about your friend, while also reflecting on your life or talking about your passions ! Really recommend as an alternative to Mina's suggestion of making spontanious phonecalls ! (Bonus: older generations love it, so it's great if you want to connect more to your grandparents or older loved ones, which I think feel even more deeply about losing community) 😊
That's really cute! I'd love to do this when I can! I remember when my mom and her parents would frequently write letters, it's fun seeing the stamps and having something physical from someone. I sent them a postcard last winter. And I need an excuse to get to do wax seals!
My best friend and I used to write letters to each other for a good 6+ years😊 I really think it strengthened our friendship. there's no feeling like getting a handwritten letter just for you ❤
I studied anthropology and urban studies in my undergrad program. Your video reignited that interest and gave me a lot to think about, especially in the context of our increasingly digital world - thank you!
I connected with the repairing of friendships. I tried to express my hurt feelings to a friend recently because I wanted us to work on the friendship. However, I was met with passive aggressiveness and her stating we needed “a break.” It has been weeks, and I am solidified that, unless she reaches out to apologize for her reaction, I am better off not continuing the friendship.
good on you for attempting, it's better to try than leave it be dormant IMO. I got a similar reaction the one time I felt that my friend and I could have been closer and harbor a real friendship. Unfortunately, I forgot that this person has time and time again been a shitty person to others in my immediate circle, which I was going to walk into that trap myself.
Kudos to you. I wish I had attempted that with a friendship that ended a few years ago. I doubt it would have gone anywhere, tbh, as our last exchange was quite painful to me, but I wish I'd at least tried. I think I would feel more at peace today with having ended it.
went through something similar almost a year ago; it was difficult at first but then you start to understand that someone who truly values you won’t meet your expressions of hurt with “I need a break” or “I need to protect my peace”. There is a difference between needing space and then fully just avoiding people because of their guilt + shame. I hope you find healing within yourself and meet kinder and more considerate people 💛
I gave up with trying to make new friends and hang out with people just because I got so sick of repeatedly being flaked on at the last minute. People wonder why they’re lonely but then treat people like crap when they have the chance. Friendship is about give and take.
God, same! At some point you just feel that constantly coming up with places to meet/activities and facing zero enthusiasm in return is too much effort. Especially if you're introvert and this doesn't come naturally. I'd think that people just hate me or are avoiding, but no, apparently it's just a new norm for some people - to be friends without ever seeing each other.
It is rough, but please dont give up. people are there who have time & respect to give you!! But you are the one who has to be assertive to get to these more reliable, less flaky friends. I find that more assertive & more social people tend to be flaky, so you have to do the reverse & act as the assertive one to ignite an interest from someone else who isn't assertive, someone more like yourself; just so you can catch their interest. if that makes sense. It takes hard work to make a good friend, & it's going to hurt to get there but it's there
Right? It's such a meme to be quirky and be happy about canceling plans on people and that type of practice pisses me the hell off. I *wanted* to see you. I wanted to have a good time with you and you treat canceling that plan like it's a relief?? How damaging is that to your self-esteem?? At that point you're not an introvert, you're antisocial. Can't stand it.
Oh my God this! I'm too young to know if this is a new thing with the way people socialize or its always been that way, but people are SO FLAKEY!! I'm an introvert I'd say, but I feel the prominence of that term in the general public eye has had terrible effects. Like the other commenter said people acting like canceling plans is quirky. Or like not even bothering to give a one sentence text reply is normal cause they have a low "social battery." I've literally had someone stop me from continuing a conversation we were having cause we had only planned a specific activity together and they weren't prepared for us hanging out to go beyond that one topic. These people aren't intraverts, their God damn ANTI-SOCIAL. But because that term is so common people think it's quirky and normal.
This was so meaty. I felt very called out by the observation that we view home as "safe" and outside home as "dirty" / "dangerous". I wonder how much of that mindset is due to the pandemic, but yeah, I assume that anywhere outside of my safe space will be a negative drain on me (whether or not that’s actually true). Lots to chew on; thanks Mina!
I feel like the dangerous outside space also has to do with things like street harassment, litter, and also just how we all probably have experienced or witnessed people acting unhinged and frightening due to crime and mental health issues overwhelming our society. Like in the city it tends to be genuinely dirty like poo and overturned trash cans on the sidewalks. Or how you can't make eye contact with certain people or they may follow you or yell at you or touch you and stuff. It puts you on guard to get where you need to be and not open yourself to experience the outside.
I feel like ghosting vs cutting ties by talking things out are like psycologic horror vs jumpscare horror Actually talking is anxiety inducing for the other person, but it's short and they can get over it faster. Ghosting makes them question and is suspenseful, long, and painful like psychological horror.
True. (guys i’m gonna start waffling) Funnily, when i was 12, a friend told me we should stop hanging out & see other people bcoz “we’re growing up, new chapter” lol, we didn’t talk for a long time…then i randomly reached out thru FB a while back, n she gave me her new insta- fast forward to this year, we’re 20, both moved to diff countries, n she doesn’t even talk to the people i saw her w/ in the hallways after we “cut-ties”, but she was my only childhood friend to greet me on my bday this year🥲
Another part of the third place issue I think is our proximity to local friends. I live within walking distance of a lot of great potential third places but none of my friends are close enough to make that a good meeting point. With people so spread out, it’s almost impossible to find a good neutral third place where you could show up and expect to see friends anytime since it would take everyone 30+ minutes to get there.
But that is also what third places are meant for, meeting people close by. It is important to create community where we live, even if these people won't become you best, most intimate friends. One of the problem in my opinion, is the sole focus on those very intimate friendships and putting on them the burden of fullfilling every social need we have. But sometimes we just need to chat 10 minutes to someone in line at the bakery or watch a sport match in a bar and bond with that guy that lives two blocks away. And that doesn't mean they now have to come to your house twice a month, but they are satisfying social interactions
@@mykki.d but is 20 minutes really that much of a burden???? city people. Where I live, out in the country, EVERYTHING is a 20 minute drive. You want groceries? 30-40 min. You want to eat out? 15-20 minutes. friends? 30+ minutes. Dr.s offices???? try 45- 60 minutes. For people who find a 20 minute drive an obstacle....you would starve to death in the country or at the very least die of something before you would be willing to trek to the drs. or hospital.😅
@@pattyhansen7563im in the city and a 20 minute ride on public transportation is nothing. im used to hour long commutes to visit friends, go to work, appointments. etc.. if i have the time, ill make it! plus, i get to read books during the commute because im not driving myself. but some people really dont like public transportation so they let that stop them from going out and having fun.
Honestly I think one factor is just how hesitant people are to initiate plans. Like when we do meet people and get their contact info, sometimes it feels so intrusive or assumptive to follow up and see if they want to hang out. That was a big goal for me when I moved last year, I told myself I would follow up and honestly that change has helped my social life so much. Obviously not saying it's a solution to solve systemic problems, but just something that's helped me.
100%! I always feel stupid trying to initiate plans. I worry that people don’t want to hang out with me and would only say yes to be polite. No matter how nice they are, that’s where my mind goes and I hate it and don’t want to be like that.
@@tessmoffett5512 I feel that 100%, but every single time I have, the person has told me "I'm so glad you reached out, I was nervous about making plans with you" and it's been great! You just gotta prove yourself wrong and it gets easier
I think that’s part of what was mentioned with the airport convo and the end boundary convo, like we’re soooo concerned with intrusion and assuming that we’re bothering people, especially when it’s perceived as “unproductive”, that we stop initiating valid socialization in general
I really fell for the whole “you can totally move to another city and make friends and find community immediately” and two years later I realized that is so incredibly untrue, especially during a pandemic and especially if you work remotely. I ended up moving back to a city close to my home city (close enough to drive or take a relatively short train or bus ride for visits) where I already knew a few people and it’s been so much easier. I’ve never been more lonely than I was when I moved and I’ve never been less lonely than I am now when I’m physically close to people I know.
I’d like to give people hope I’m a senior in high school and the amount of times we have asked to play cards or the amount of boys playing dice? The amount of us wanting activities that aren’t screens? It is GROWING we want more “analog” activities. Just to give yall some hope!
Another librarian chiming in! Thank you for making this video, Mina. (Public) libraries are shifting with community needs and they are mostly no longer silent-only spaces for studying and reading. They are free community spaces for you to gather, become involved, and connect. I want to point out that depending on your community's capacity and funding, many public libraries have tween/teen spaces for ages 12 +. Many public libraries are adapting to support the tweens/teens that often aren't afforded equal opportunities in third spaces (hello Sephora kiddos likely looking for something to do). We librarians want to see these spaces used, so PLEASE come use them. Lastly, some public libraries are also becoming merged with maker spaces. The library I work at has boards games, puzzles, a nintendo switch, crafting table, STEAM toys, and of course books for teens and adults to use during their visit. As a librarian I want to say you are welcome to visit at any time (also pls also make a library card, it helps with our funding) ❤
Id probably be a lot worse off without libraries and other public centers. I tend to work long hours and like everyone, get bogged down with daily life chaos. The library has been an amazing escape from that monotany, gives sense of actual community and just chill! The staff at my town are always so friendly and helpful. Thank you all for cultivating this environment.
Would I've noticed personally in relationship to the loneliness epidemic is that people want friends.... But they don't necessarily want to be a friend. They want people there to engage with them emotionally. Support them. Help them. They seem to yearn for the way. Relationships in the past were constructed and yet they do not want to be a friend and not it means that they have to be there for somebody else they have to not necessarily prioritize themselves. They need to go out of their way to cultivate their own part of the relationship. Everybody wants to be the garden. Nobody wants to be the gardener. Main character syndrome does not help this either.... The main character is the one that usually has the friends. You don't usually see the main character necessarily being a friend to somebody. Once all this stuff is figured out by people, I'm sure the situation will course correct. Once they see some people successfully having friendships and what's needed to facilitate that, they'll get on board. 🍀🍀🍀
I'll never understand people that think that doing a favor or supporting a friend is a chore or a hard thing to do. If you can't do it, then tell them and if you think it is such a big chore (depending on what it is), then maybe you don't like that person that much. It's really sad. I don't have and never did have many friends, but when I have a friend that I like a lot, I don't think that helping them is a chore. I actually enjoy it and I also know that person will help me in the future. A small thing that I want to share that wasn't talked a lot about in this video: a lot of people romanticize the idea of community in small towns and villages, because they can't find a community in the city, but living in a small town can be also very lonely. I live right now in a small town and I know most people, but I always feel lonely. Most people have very different ideals than mine, even people my age. Most of them are homophobic, racist, xenophobic, and bigoted in general. Whenever I hear someone saying some bigoted thing, I feel so disconnected and lonely and correcting them in their bigotry makes no difference. Because of that I can't really show who I am and I can't build connections. I can't wait to move out.
I feel like this about small towns. It's hard to make in person friends where I live because everyone is so right wing. You can hang out with someone but it's not real intimacy if you have to ignore half of who they are as a person while hiding half of who you are as a person, and just moving out is not that possible for so many people.
I kinda agree. Doing favors in small towns is great because you don't waste time by transport and use that time to see your friend. As for loneliness, I agree cause my friends from my hometown didn't come back and I can't just go to a bar and expect people to interact with me. I will look like a lonely weirdo desperate for friends. You need to wt least bring one more peron to a bar where you know people.
As a person with multiple disabilities, being seen as an inconvenience and burden or charity case that should be grateful that people even acknowledge your existence is what I've gotten used to because I've experienced this pretty much my entire life, so I expect it, lowest rung of society, and all that. I'm shocked it's now happening to non-disabled people too. We've officially entered the age of late stage individualism and I think that's going to be the ultimate downfall of society.
I also agree with you on the small town thing cause I've experienced the same thing in them, and being in a small town actually makes alienation more toxic because you can easily be singled out as the pariah since everyone either knows each other, or is married to someone and also in small towns there's all this hegemony which is another way for you to be singled out if you're different or are marginalized in any way and have no connections
I'm a college student, and watching this over the last few days while moving into my dorm for the semester and going to the first week of classes has had me thinking a lot about how (at least in the US) part of the reason I enjoy being on campus is because of how easily I can connect with other people within my daily life. Compared to living in a more suburban area, it's so easy to run into people at the dining hall, meet someone new at a club or class, or even just wave to a friend on the way to class, all of which I find so much more rewarding than texting or calling. There are places around my campus, fully separate from any retail area or the library, where people will go to do work or spend time with others. Maybe the reason why so many adults in my life have encouraged me to really make the most of this time - not just because of the sheer quantity of people my age that I will never be around after college, but because there are plenty of third spaces to really connect with people.
An interesting addition to the conversation of third places-- museums and galleries have great potential as third places (though with many museums in the U.S. demanding high entrance fees, this becomes more difficult) and even town halls of sorts. Museums these days tend to include cafes selling coffee, wine, and snacks, which can make for a great destination. Groups of friends can be prompted to have new experiences in the galleries and exhibitions, which can lead to many interesting conversations. When a museum is willing to take a risk in their exhibitions, this can encourage deep discussions around important topics, build community, and strengthen friendships. I really think museums and galleries are a really good example of what a third place can be.
I've always treated zoos and museums as something of a third space, I think that's why I like them so much. Okay, yeah, the entrance fees can be significant, but you get a membership and it pays for itself real good. I'm increasingly looking into dual and family membership options because they allow you to bring other people in. In addition to the things you list, zoos and museums are places where you can just exist. Most of them have many places you can sit. Lots to observe.
Many local libraries offer passes or discounts to museums and galleries!! (But also this is why I love living in DC lol, all the Smithsonians are free)
I thought about the third place issue a lot in my late teens. Even within a third place there often isn’t space for teens within the place. You go to a Fourth of July festival in your local town and see the kids hanging out by the rides, the adults hanging out in the beer tent, but where do you go when you’re like 17 and don’t belong in either of those spaces?? I always felt so uncomfortable just existing at events like that.
I had this issue and fell into a HUGE depression bc of this and other factors. Felt too 'grown' for the 'kids' & it didnt help my mom was a full blown NARC and made me feel even worst yet at the same time infantilizing me, so I felt too young for things teens my age were doing (smoking...drinking...No thanks) yet to "adult' to do the things i actually wanted to do/like & still love til this day (video games, reading, cartoons, kpop etc) theres no in between or 'space' for the teen girls & guys who arent down with the low vibrational side of life to just.......exist. This is why im grateful for the internet bc we get to meet so many people who've experienced similar
you can still go to the festival at 17??? what exactly do you need - some separate event just for 17 yos? I remember going to town festivals as a kid and all ages would attend no problem!
All this also contributes to the current dating scene, cus it’s so much easier to just rely on one single person for all your social needs these days. It’s easier to make “appointments” with one person, live with one person, etc. People are seeking partners to replace community
As someone who isn’t interested in dating it really sucks cus romance is so extremely prioritized by everybody. You can’t even try to get close to ppl without smth non-platonic being suggested :/ Everyone is so lonely, but nobody wants to be friends
I'm married and I'm concern I'm slipping into that category especially since moving away from my circle of friends and feeling so alienated in a new country
Hmm, an interesting thought... but then; I always thought “one person isn't enough“. I can't imagine having all my social needs continuously met by only one person... like; how and when did we start to expect from our partners to be our best friend, admirer, lover, caregiver, biggest fan, the parent of our child and best teammate? Thats' just insane to me...
All that pressure eventually takes a toll on the relationship, I believe, since it's very difficult to always be constantly on the same wavelength. Also, it fosters co-dependency, because who else will you hang out with if you only got a significant other? It just seems very unhealthy for a number of reasons.
Definitely feeling this... I wasn't even interested in having a romantic partner, until one by one all my friends basically retreated into their "nuclear couple" shell, leaving me with a choice between being completely alone or getting into a relationship I don't necessarily want. It freaking sucks, like replacing my community with a partner is not what I want, but it's the only choice I was left with...
That Uber comment is insane to me. Maybe it's because I'm an elder Millennial who lived a portion of my life without social media, but if I have the time and capacity, I will absolutely do favors for people! Whether that is giving you a ride, mailing or dropping off a care package, or cooking food for you if you just had a baby or are sick. My friends do this for me, too. I'm fortunate to have local friends my age that share these values with me. Of course, it's important to be considerate of people's time. (If I'm leaving the airport at midnight, I will probably be calling an Uber instead of a friend), but the stinginess has gotten weird.
Yes. And unfortunately a lot of ppl these days seem to want to take. It's becoming rare to find ppl who engage in both the give & take required to maintain healthy relations.
i'm a millenial (end 93) and the one thing i'll always be grateful for is that i learned to communicate beyond social media... we would call each other to hang out, pick each other up and give and get rides all the time.. i notice people 4 years younger, would rather end a friendship than initiate a call when there's a misunderstanding. the communication skills just aren't there
I had 2 "friends" - both exactly 4 years younger (I'm end '90), whom I met in 2021 separately - just ghosted me for no reason. Like what Mina said, there was no buildup to the ghosting, they just one-sidedly ended the friendship after one/two years. Although it may have to do with the fact that they aren't very sociable in the first place, I still wish they'd at least told me if I offended them in some way
@@chuiqi99 sometimes the "why" doesn't matter. The fact that they did it is enough. Not wishing harm on anyone, we all deserve better in our friendships than people who are absent, people who play games and refuse to communicate.
It’s funny because Stanley cups are insulated, so you could totally take it to drink ice cold water with your friends in a public park. But instead we take them from room to room in our homes to sit on our computers and look at memes all day.
Parks are not super ubiquitous in the United States, many of them require you get in a priviate car to reach them, and many of them don't have public seating. You can't just have a spontaneous park visit in most of the United States. Our land use policies make us isolated. If we had better land use policies, connecting more with people in our city and neighborhood would be easier.
@LoveToday8 -- Yep. Not always a bus route to get to not-any-nearby parks (which may not be in safe areas, anyway) and nowhere to sit if you get there (don't like sitting on wet ground where dogs and birds have done their business) and you may get told off for "loitering". It's hard to "just go outside" and "join in the community" when there's nowhere in your community to commune, as it were.
this was a BANGER, mina. i can’t recommend The Happiness Lab podcast enough for learning to decrease loneliness; they did an episode on studies showing that chatting with strangers in public increases happiness for EVERYONE, EVEN INTROVERTS. that shook me!!!! i’m an introvert but i still get lonely as hell lol and i always think i’m gonna hate a stranger chat (or that they will) but it actually does wonders for everyone’s wellbeing. here’s to being better friends and community members in 2024
This is soooo true! I'm the type of person who will strike up a conversation in a long line to make time go by and started to feel it was weird to do so been doing it less later. BUT reading this I'm going to start again! And thanks for the podcast recommendation!
@@lilithrealmI'm gen z and I love the occasional chat with a friendly stranger! It's usually nice but I have also had some pretty bad experiences with it too. Not all strangers are kind strangers and trusting your gut is very important.
Deleting all my social media accounts has ironically been the best thing that ever happened to my social life. Now I just call my friends to catch up or straight up invite them over for coffee and pastries.
I’m a long time watcher from Budapest, Hungary (central europe) and it honestly shocks me how different life is in the US. Here the normal way of living is like in Friends. Lots of third places, from spring to autumn everyone is outside of their homes and it’s pretty common that you have a ‘main’ place where you go after work to meet with your pals. My heart goes out to you guys, truly, I hope things will change in the US.
This is so sad... I will always take my friends to the airport. I will always watch their pets or pick things up for them or volunteer as the designated driver for a night of drinking. They help me out when I need help, and they have often covered dinner or coffee or snacks. I love that we never expect our expressions of friendship to be transactional. It's sad to hear that there are people who aren't able to experience this kind of mutual support and kindness.
Everything with friends has become so timed and transactional. People are becoming friends only with those matching their aesthetic. No one wants to assist anyone else and only do things for self-preservation. How do we go from this?
I find people will choose their friends based on their aspirations to climb the social ladder. Back around 2000, I was an adult, and was informed by 2 of my friends (they were unaware of each other. Different circle) that they were busy trying to build their careers so they were dumping any friends that would not further their social standing. In both cases, I was dumped. Ironically, 2 years later one was diagnosed with cancer and died within months. I wonder if she regretted her priorities?
I agree with this a lot, also, all human interaction is transaction these days. I almost thought "this person (@alexagolda8041) could be a cool friend" but then I saw that you sub to pewdiepie and I have been shown content regarding their bigoted nature that totally turned me off. This non-space sure is terrible... 😢 And Mina doesn't have an answer for a solution!?!? noooo! i must conssummme more content and wait for the truth to be revealed!!!!
You have inspired me Mina! One of my biggest New Years resolutions this year was to be more active in my social life and part of that is truly being present. I want to be more “human” with my friendships and I agree with putting as much energy into them as a romantic relationship! Another thing is I always think of things to do for ppl randomly and never end up doing it but I want to act on that more!
I'm a librarian and i just wanna remind all the beautiful doves out there that their local library is not just a place for books and research but also a place you can exist in for FREE for as long as you want :) its also just a great way to meet those in your community as libraries often hold community events and opportunities to volunteer and learn new skills! Love your videos mina
as a library lover thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
THANK YOU! I kept scrolling and scrolling, looking for someone to namedrop libraries.
Ah yes, the place where all the filthy homeless men high on drugs go to to watch porn on the free computers. Idyllic.
Yeah they've figure it out in my area 😂 Libraries now sound like high school cafeterias, it's Loud and overrun with groups
Yes, I love the library. You can just go there. My local one has a cafe too, where you can sit with your coffee (unfortunately not free) and read your book or meet other library fans - usually those who live close by. It's way easier to make friends here :)
My mother always says “you’re not real friends until you fight”. Today it feels like you can’t argue or disagree with a friend without damaging a friendship or spurring them to ghost you
This is so true. I’ve had many friends who just cut contact permanently after one mishap.
I’m sorry to hear that Nick, you’re not alone there!
Life is cheap and getting cheaper it seems sometime… everyone and everything is replaceable and made obsolete.
i’m working on not doing this
Maybe a better phrasing would be "You're not real friends until you fight *and make up*"... At least that's what I think? Your mother is right on the money, though!
I def think picking ur friend up from the airport is a bonding experience, like it shows you care for them. The person who said that about their friends obviously doesnt value their friendships
yeah honestly i would love to take half a day off work to pick up a friend. life’s so busy that it would be a welcome respite.
Exactly. I get that some people are busy, but, you know, just say, "I can't. I'm busy." You don't have to rant about how asking a friend for a favor is "selfish".
I was honestly taken aback by that take?? Like why even call it a "friend" if you cant do that. I genuinely thought that was a wholesome and exciting experience for everyone?
@@BbybunnI love how you call it wholesome… not because it isn’t wholesome… it is so wholesome…❤
I do agree! But I wouldn’t ask my friends to woke up in the middle of the night to pick me up at airport, or during their work hours.
Controversial take: for there to be more third spaces, people need to get better at respecting unenforced rules. Automatically knowing not to litter, not to start brawls, not to harass strangers, etc. We’ve become to generally unsociable to just open public areas where everyone can be safe.
Not to mention the fear of being recorded for being in public. People need to stop recording or taking pictures of strangers in public for third places to thrive as well imo
YES!! Agreed! Recently I went to the cinema and this might have been the worst experience ever. People having conversation in every corner of the room throughout the movie, people looking at their bright phones…I remember getting so frustrated in my own head that I thought to myself « when I have my own place I’ll have my own home cinema » …
As a women I quite literally can’t go anywhere or do anything in public without being harassed by men in some way shape or form 🫠 even when i was very obviously a child, grown men would still approach
Guns sure don’t help either
Underrated comment
As a Gen Z man, i think that's why going to the gym has become very popular recently. In many ways, gyms have become some sort of third spaces for many. It is one of the few places where people aren't concerned with school, work or family issues.
Yessss. The gym has become a main social aspect for so many working 9-5. Its the only time we have to take care of our bodies might as well be friendly w those trying to do the same
the number of high-school age children taking over the rooms after workout class says enough. I don't mind personally it's always nice to see young people getting out of their homes to hangout with friends.
Hard though cause everyone’s always wearing headphones, makes it awkward to talk to someone lol
literally, I was even planning on going there to make friends lol (I didn't go through with it though)
Yes but it’s still private 🙈🙈🙈
Ten year olds are in sephora cause they have nowhere to go. We have removed that awkward in-between phase of life, so you're supposed to go from 12 to 21 overnight. The beginnings of this manifested a few years ago
I mean, what’s up with Disney and Nickelodeon? Why don’t they make shows for this demographic anymore? I’m sure they made a ton of money on those back in the day, so it makes no sense as to why there aren’t any nowadays
girl... did you just come from khadija's channel? cause same lol
They killed Adolescence. It's an important phase between 11 and 18.
@@GH-fb9dhNobody watches cable TV these days. Disney and Nick are desperately trying to grab the attentions of 1~5 year olds because thats whats thats parents let em watch (or some let their kids on screens 24/7) there is no kids show like before because kids are on youtube and tiktok now.
@@perfectly_normal_human_nam627fuii😮u😮😮how
i've never really thought about how the instagram feed discourages everyday people from posting, and therefore lessens even passive interaction between people who actually know each other. that's insaaaaaaane
I've abandoned a lot of my social media accounts for that reason
I haven't posted anything since 2022 on Instagram because I feel like I don't have anything worth posting. I share my pictures and travels directly to my immediate family only
this also blew my mind because it's also what i witnessed
It's so true though!
Social media has done soooooooooo much damage to relationships and how we socialize with one another.
In my PERSONAL experience, I find general reciprocity is more common within the older generation. As somebody who has always lived with their grandparents, i’ve noticed that they have more of a sense of commitment to their community. Such as my grandad buying cashiers chocolate bars, helping a stranger with their push chair or buying somebody hand warmers in the cold. I just think it’s an interesting observation.
I noticed this too! When I was a cashier, I had an older customer who would regularly buy me starbucks simply because I chatted with him at the line - he said he wasn't used to it and wanted to give me a gift for making his day. It's cute, but sad because I KNOW interactions like that rarely happen with younger generations unless its to be recorded on social media for clout.
It's funny how I was constantly called polite for my age, 21, for literally just saying hi. Holding a door or asking if someone's ok.
I do notice this is true in a lot of cases, BUT that their generalizing for reciprocity is limited to only the people that they approve of.
Just for a personal example, I have always looked pretty young and even now at 31 I get carded every single time and often clocked for early 20s. So when my kids were a few years younger I’d get a lot of dirty looks and quick shuffling past by older people because I looked like a single teen mom. It didn’t matter that I’ve been married with their dad for 12 years or that I have two college degrees, they just saw me as a teen mom and therefore beneath their kindness and generosity. But now that my kids are older so they can extrapolate that I’m older, we get a lot more pleasant interactions; older ladies will chat with me for 15-20 minutes at the library or grandpa types will buy my daughter’s ice cream in the grocery store line.
So I think the trickle down effect of this over time is that most younger people haven’t ever experienced this generalized reciprocity from the older generations, so they’ve missed out on the chance to see how important and meaningful it is to building a community.
Your grandfather was from a time when people trusted each other. Now they don't.
I'm 45. Considering how many serial killers and criminals were cage-free even when I was a kid in the 80s, it's kind of amusing how dismissive we generally are, haha. I still tend to stick with people who don't give off the cannibal murderer vibe.
You're more likely to get that thank you, that smile and wave back, a little bit of waiting in line conversation from people my age and up. The rest are so down their own navels/locked into the phone/have earbuds in it's almost no use. If you can make them notice you, you'll at least get a nod and that's usually enough for me from a stranger.
Malls used to be tween/teen Third Places, but we're busy killing those.
More effort needs to go into public parks. The easiest place to make a basic-needs human interaction is at the park or waiting in a line. It's shared circumstance and/or interests of the moment.
This is just my anecdotal experience. I know younger people who participate in the world, and at least one friend older than myself who should have the posture of a sphere given his iPhone is all but surgically grafted to his eyeballs.
Honestly, as someone who's looking to major in urban planning, I love that the public are really starting to recognize the importance of third places
i'm also going to major in urban planning! and yes i'm glad our generation values third places, walkability and urban infrastructure that brings people together
You will do great things! :)
I never really used to think about urban planning until I started doing the Jane’s walks every year. That woman was brilliant. You can’t help but start to think about walkability. The amount of community gardens seems to be on the rise as well which can only be a good thing.
@fireflei same here! hopefully starting this fall. i really am drawn to the social aspect of urban spaces
Not Just Bikes and Strong Towns are great urban planning RUclipsrs highlighting the importance of walkable neighborhoods. Good luck in all your endeavors!
The point of reusable water bottles is to cut back on single use bottles. It's supposed to last to cut back on consumption. Collecting water bottles is dumb and defeats the purpose.
Collecting water bottles is completely fine, collections are kinda pointless sometimes. If a few of the cups are getting used, probably they even use them in rotation, they are fulfilling their purpose. You don't own just _one_ drinking glass, just because you technically only ever use one at a time.
It _does_ defeat the purpose of these cups to throw them out after a few years, and it does defeat their purpose to fill them with water you bought in bottles. Whiiiich are things that are probably happening/ going to happen.
at this point it's just to show they can afford it ig
I keep losing my mind when I watch them fill their reusable bottles from single use plastic bottles
Yeah like I’ve had my hydroflask since I was 13 (8 years ago) and it’s still going strong. I’ve had to resist so many temptations to get new colors and new brands that look nice, because it’s not the point. These things can last a really long time when they’re well taken care of.
@@anzaia2164 I don’t own just one drinking glass because I have a dishwasher, live in a home with more than one person, and have guests sometimes.
A reusable bottle is meant to replace a single-use water bottle, and last for years. You do not need more than one.
If a friend isn’t willing to pick me up from the airport for the sole reason that I won’t pay them for their “lost time,” then I would likely begin questioning the validity of that friendship.
shocking that this needs to be said
That's some ugly behavior
Hell, my brother wouldn’t pick me up at the airport when my flight got cancelled and the airport was closing for the night. Talk about feeling abandoned.
Had it happen to me years ago. I thought she was a friend. I kept her updated on my now husband joining the military and when the time came that I would fly out to see him graduate, she said sure! Then afterwards she’s like asking for money??? I ghosted her. That was very uncool and inappropriate.
I had a “friend” abandon me when i told them i didnt feel save enough to drive. They literally left to have a sleepover with another friend and when i asked i could join they just straight up said no and left. I had to sit in my car for a while till i calmed down
One of the biggest shocks of my life after finishing school was realising how difficult it is to maintain friendships and if you're not literally forced to interact with someone regularly (be it because of attending the same classes in uni/college or because of work), it's really hard to make friends and maintain those relationships. I make an effort to go to events that interest me and talk to other people there, but so far, I've only managed to befriend like two people. The whole "friends for life" crap is a total lie, because people are very quick to cut you off even if you were inseparable, the moment it starts to need some effort to maintain a friendship - for me frendhsips almost always felt one-sided, because if I didn't make the effort, the other people never did, which is why I only managed to stay in touch with one person from school, despite us living in different countries. The big problem is, I think, it's not hard to find friendly people out there, it's hard to find people who are just as willing to maintain a friendship beyond the common space you are "forced" to exist together.
I think in the past, people went thru much more intense/tragic circumstances that bonded them for life. For instance, intergeneration living during the Depression, men going thru war or boot camp together, women being there thru child birth or death with each other. Much more severe medical struggles, due to lack of technology, etc...my great uncle maintained friendships with all of his buddies from high school, because they all enlisted in the marines together during WWII. They got married & their wives became friends, their kids were raised to be friends. family units were stronger, so your siblings were life long friends. your female relatives would bond over childrearing. Now, every thing seems like a competition with people, families are geographically spread out, & women don't stick to hanging with women & likewise for men. we have fractured the social bonds... the only person that I see that I went to school with/grew up with is my hubby😁. We grew up down the road from each other. I haven't interacted with any school 'friends' in 25 years.
@WayTooEleni -- So much this! A lot of people are only "friends of convenience". If I make a good friend, who is equally invested in the friendship, I go out of my way to keep them. Even if, like my bff, they don't live nearby me. Due to my bff's schedule and health, they aren't able to come to me. But they love hosting me, and we don't have to do anything in particular to just enjoy each other's company. It's worth the travel time.
.
I just wish more people were willing to make the effort and keep their promises to be a real friend who makes space for others in their lives. And I do realize it IS an effort -- it takes time and energy. But for our own mental health's sake if nothing else, it's worth it to do it. It's a cost that gives plenty of gains back if both halves of the relationship share the burden to reap the reward.
THIS ⬆ but in capital letters.
A lot of people are also very tired now. Theres also this thing of you cannot just truly hangout with a friend, doing nothing because thats wasting time. You always have to be doing smt, going somewhere. And because people are tired now, they don't have the energy to do that.
@@DrBitchcraft. And isn't that a funny conundrum. Because one of the easiest ways to 'hang out' while being 'tired' is to DO nothing. our culture has gotten so weird! My favorite thing to do is to just sit with a friend over a cup of coffee & chat or look at the projects/garden/etc that we've been working on. but my mom is like the type you are referring to - must be 'doing something' - hiking, shopping, etc...can never just relax. weird.
The US basically criminalizes hanging out outside lol. They call it loitering. There are a lot of barriers for some reason to social connection in certain parts of the US. I remember being downtown in SF and laying on a bench to look at the clouds in front of a building. A security guard with a gun came up to me and told me to leave. I wasn’t allowed to lay on the bench, only sit. Looking up at the clouds was considered wrong and loitering in front of their fine establishment lmao what a joke
There are many parks.. who criminalizes being outside..
laying on benches is policed because of hostility toward homeless people, also why we have hostile architecture to prevent laying down on benches & such !
@@MyraAnn23 mainly local governments and yes they genuinely do criminalize being outside if you’re not spending money, which kids don’t have.
a lack of parks and public spaces means that you kinda have to go hang out at businesses. we had malls, but malls are mostly dead after the lockdowns.
out of fear of shoplifting or houseless people being okay, the businesses enforce rules against just hanging out.
capitalism has destroyed chilling!
Damn crazy
"Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. " The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery (published in 1943).
no wayy this is so fitting 😨😨 also i love the little prince! 🎀
Almost a hundred years ago and it’s still going on!!! Sad!
Ope, there are the tears from this book again 😭💜
My heart beat so fast when I saw what you're quoting. Probably my favourite book of all time. The most precious, little compendium of simple truths in life.
omg the little prince ❤
Libraries are honestly the biggest gem in terms of a social pivot
Amen! In DFW we have a new library (Frisco) that was built to be a third place.
It's not a traditional library where you have to be quiet and can't eat. They encourage you to stay for hours. The layout is *chef kiss*!
There's a section where kids can play make believe and run around and be ... kids BUT you can barely hear them upstairs where it opens up to their floor.
And if you need the absolute quiet they have a section upstairs that damn near sound proof! I swear when I opened the door the silence was sooo loud 😂
And they have a shaded patio that I can't wait to try when it warms up.
Only 2 con are that it's so far in the suburbs it's hard to get there on public transit and they need more parking.
@@MieyaOladipupo That library is crazy! I took my little cousin there bc the video game museum was next-door. It's a really cool spot. I'll also say the Gaylord Texan is another cool third place to just hang out at.
Nice
Nice one
@@cardsmcgee the resort in Grapevine?
I think it’s really difficult making new friends or maintaining friendships. Most people simply do not want to put in the effort. Too many people want to be the “low maintenance” friend. They feel like it’s okay to only talk once or twice a month and hardly hang out. You can’t depend on people like that. And then I look clingy for actually wanting to talk and spend time with people!
I gave up. I understand that some people genuinely are busy and I respect that, but most of the time it’s people you aren’t a priority to them. They won’t spend time with you, but then you’ll see them spending time with other friends.
For real.
I don't understand how some "friend" groups can operate as basically just a collection of counter-dependent acquaintances that meet up on a semi regular basis. No depth. No warmth. Everyone's afraid of rejection so in the end no one tries making that bid for deeper connection. Everyone wants to act perfect or cool or whatever and not seem vulnerable since everyone fears being perceived as weak or incompetent. It's all just one big status/social game of who's the best.
I'm lucky that I have a best friend that I can trust and depend on (and vice versa). Quality relationships > Quantity relationships, right?
yup this, 100%
Wow, I could have written this comment. I have actually stopped trying to ask people to hang out because I know I looked clingy when I used to do it and get rejected.
Maybe we think about these labels differently, but I kinda relate. I want to be the low maintenance friend, because I feel like I have been very high maintenance the last few years with my mental health. I love my friends but I don't see them much or talk to them much.
I'm not scared of being vulnerable, they all know what I'm going through, I talk about it. I just feel like too much of a burden with how I feel most of the time in my depression. I don't really have much to talk about, I don't really have energy to do much, and people, even people who love you will struggle with listening to depression talk for too often.
Ibe been recently reexamining a lot of that. I feel like a lot of my friends are so used to function around being hyper self sufficient and low maintenance that they either expect the same from their friends or they not only never ask but started refusing help to maintain that feeling. Which somewhat makes me feel like more of a burden for needing support, or for at the very least wanting a relationship where we support each other for fun.
Come hang out with me while I cook, help me clean up, whatever.
Most people who are like that dont WANT to be 'the low maintenence friend' at all. Its just thatvthis soceity tires us out and works us to the bone everyday so we literally sont have the energy to do a lot of actibe things anymore. Trust me we wish we had more enery but we just dont
things like giving people a ride to the airport is THE THING that builds the deepest friendships. Ask people for favors, and they can ask you back. In the moments of give and take, friendship will occur, and it will be so much deeper than endless coffee dates that lack any give and take.
totally agree! I feel happy when friends ask me for a favor because I can positively contribute to their lives which in my opinion has intrinsic value.
OMG! So true! We have friends FOR FREE. Just spend time together and help each other.
it makes me feel good and wanted when friends asks me for favors that build our relationship.
so. accurate. the rides to the airport example.. I remember when I reached the age of being old enough for my friend to take time to the airport and to get picked up *from* the airport by a friend. it is honestly really special. here’s to growing up. :)
I wonder how much gas prices and sprawl affect this. I'm 21 and I started driving when gas soared. So all my friends were always pinching pennies for gas money. And in Texas you need a car to get anywhere.
It was cool since we always carpooled. Five in one car 5 in another. Listening to music and hitting the drive in.
My partner is an economic researcher, and you actually cited his research in this video! I got so excited when I saw it!! ☺️
that's so cool! ☺️
Her videos are literally so well researched, it's fantastic!
that’s so awesome
That's so cool!!!!
Thinking about it, maybe thats why the summer of Pokemon Go is still so well beloved today, because we were mostly outside, mostly bonding with other people irl *and* on top of that had good reason to talk to a whole bunch of other people in PARKS, a free third place available to all
That's a really good point! I wasn't even involved in it myself, but I did drive my brother around town so he could focus on finding the pokemon. I remember it as a really nice bonding time between us. Thanks for bringing back those memories :)
@@Vangoghnut You're a good sibling
My bf and I still played up until last summer and finding ppl out and about playing was literally the BEST thing… made new friends it rlly was great
That really was an incredible time. And I think everything felt a little less gloomy because it was pre-Covid. I think whether a lot of of us want to admit that or not, Covid really did put a damper on public gatherings. Even to this point, I have to push down anxiety that I never used to have when I’m in a crowded space. Although that could also be the never ending gun violence in America that’s also making me nervous in crowds. 🤷🏻
@@sailorspice Its my go to for any new country still, firstly because its easy to meet new people and secondly because the pokestops are a built in tour guide if you read what they say. Ive found some incredible things from it even though I play only sparingly
The preteen girl problem isn't even limited to sephora. Like I work at a thrift store and there are massive groups of middle school girls that come in and are so rude and messy, it's insane
Lmao. In small town Midwest America, where the only store is Walmart and they still do this shit. Stealing, making messes just to watch us clean it up , and all that. Literally can’t say shit either beyond asking them to leave once or twice politely because our heads will be on their parents platter if we so much insinuate that they are nuisances.
I saw a mob of them in Target the other day destroying the make up section. All were in the 9 to 12 range & not an adult in sight. I needed mascara but didn't even want to go down the aisle, so I paid an extra $3 for the same mascara at CVS. 😒
Exactly. I’ve worked part-time at Anthropologie for 15 years as of March. So I’m not there as much, but when I am, the cluster of little girls are trying on the clothes and stepping out of them and leaving them on the floor. And for those with allergies, the best part is they are spraying way too much perfume on and around the perfume station. But we see adults do this too. It’s annoying in all age groups. But for the kiddos… never a parent in sight when the gaggle of girls come in. Never. There is literally one child who comes in with her parent who likes our clothes and is like an adult in an 11 year old’s body. She is a unicorn among untamed ponies. She’s very respectful, doesn’t talk over her or interrupt mom, and is kind. All the staff love her. She’s our last hope y’all 😂
With this, i wonder if it was ever any different. And maybe this store is their third place.
Isnt it always like this though?
I'm from Croatia, and what you describe as "general reciprocity" is considered as "normal" to us. The same goes for "third places", since we have a culture of sitting at the coffee shop for at least two hours drinking coffee and talking to your friends. Almost every neighborhood has coffee shops on the first floor(ground floor) of the residential buildings, as well as giant parks where kids go to play.
Also in Croatia (I'm from Croatia) kids can go pretty much anywhere on foot, they don't need to drive. Also there is less danger (still not danger free, no place is) so parents let kids out more
I’m Croatian and finally visited last year and was amazed at the pace of life and generosity we received. i love how ppl took their time and cooked for each other and insisted on hosting… definitely shifted my perspective living in Canada
argentina too , it's very cool
it's kind of the same in italy, you can get an espresso at a cafe and sit there for an hour and it's considered acceptable. ever since moving to the uk, i feel a bit uneasy about spending time in cafes because i get the feeling that when i finish my drink i'm meant to leave :/
I’m in Australia, same here.
I would argue that the lack of homeownership/rentership plays a part in the growing isolation trend. As an adult who still lives with their parents it’s impossible to ever invite friends over. If I had my own home/apartment I would love to host little dinner parties, afternoon tea, or just have a place where my friends can crash for a night or two.
Agreed, I moved out of my parents house and decided to pay extortionate rent just so I could freely date/get laid/not have to answer to anyone. Being in your late twenties and having to tell your mum where you're going/when you're coming back does a number on your confidence. I just wanted to feel like an actual adult. I resent the rent but I've never been happier.
@@harrietdrums then years fly by and you will not invite anyone because you became cosy at home ^^. Well, maybe not your case but definitely mine :/
Also often times our parents generation bought fully into suburbia when it was affordable so the places we live with then are extremely isolated from people in our peer groups. I live with my family in a community that either their age+ or the children of those folks. There’s nothing really around besides strip malls but the few social things that are around cater to a senior demographics. And like yeah spending time with seniors is nice and valuable, I do like the library, but we HIGHLY need peer groups ://
Oh yeah, I want kids.. but I’m waking up every morning to clean up after his parents and take care of their dog. At night, I need to make sure they eat. It’s as if purgatory and hell had a hallway.. I’m in it. When he talks about moving out, his mother tells him she can’t live alone.. she CAN clean up after herself but chooses not to. It’s like our generation is getting deleted. We don’t get that transition time where we leave to start a family.. and then bring the parents in to care for them..
The question after that is whether they would have the time, gas money, and compatible schedules to come to your events. 😢
People don't understand how hard it is to make friends as an adult. Having depression and being an introvert also doesn't help in that department
beyond brutal, I never even got to have a lot of friends or a big social life as a teen because of the pandemic
I feel this 😢
@@iiCounted-op5jxsame 😿
Babe, that's all of us. We ALL feel that way.
I think a lot of people understand this
I remember being a new mom and lamenting over having nowhere to go which didn’t require standing in line (horrible thing with babies and small children) and buying something and then sitting stiffly in a chair in some shop. I would drive around searching for some place to just sit and not be required to engage in the demands of a retail space. So I couldn’t leave the house bc there was nowhere to go which we could just “be.”
Playgrounds
I’m disgusted by how much im buying on maternity leave and I think this is part of the reason
@@laurel1865definitely hard to do if you have multiple children like me that are all different ages so you’re having to run a round with them and actively watch them so they don’t get hurt. Especially if you are a sahm and are by yourself every day.
Library
Gym
Friends house
?
@@dianalove539 definitely not a library that wasn’t kid friendly but most are so that seems okay. Still hard if you have children who can walk and then a baby who can’t which I have 3 so yeah lol. Friends house would probably only be another parents in fear that my children would wreck their house or break something. Little children tend to roam and touch everything. Also definitely don’t take my kids to the gym. I love that they aren’t in preschool so they don’t get sick all the time.
So many of my classmates from NYC brag about hanging out in abandoned churches and buildings. I remember thinking “is there nowhere better to spend time?” In Taiwan, we have tables in every 7-11 and a 7-11 on every block! Lots of people spend time outside in parks and lots of stores have cafes or tea shops above them to eat in. It makes me really sad that we are encouraged to remain in our private spaces in the USA.
Sadly this is an issue here in Canada too
@@randomtinypotatocried and in the UK. I mean, they do have coffee shops and such here but they're overcrowded and expensive. Access to nature or green spots like parks is pretty limited if you don't have a car. Back home I could walk in any direction and find a nice looking park without too much hassle. I was wondering why are British so much more into consumerism but now I understand. They kind of don't have a choice when concrete city centre is their only option.
This makes me wanna visit Taiwan, it sounds/looks so beautiful 🇹🇼🥲
@@kagitsune It's not just Taiwan. It's literally every single country in Europe, from rich to poor, too. I'm imagining most of Asia, too. America is an insane dystopia with how it organizes its spaces.
@@selkiefluffno, probably not, i dont know how every country in europe is like but where i live in europe(france) , the people here are the same as op described her new yorkers classmates , and it gets more like this during winter where its too cold to go outside and actually enjoy anything and spend time. At most, when i was in school , people would brag about going to small football stadiums to talk or eat at a fast food joint. This could just be a western thing where people in the west are encouraged to remain in their private spaces and isolate themselves.
I noticed that people are becoming more individualistic and seem to think of friends as inconveniencing them if their friends don’t have a perfect life and never vent or have any sort of issues because of the “high vibration only people” who only want to be around “winners”
steer clear of those ones. They will call you toxic & that you are imposing on them. Where did this whole high vibration/low vibration crap come from. I know of one woman who posts this stuff on FB all the time about clearing out the toxic people. She is now on her 5th husband, has 3 out 4 kids with severe disabilities, had a drinking problem...who's toxic/????? ( i mean the kid issue, one can't control or be discriminated against, but 5 marriages?????) People have become selfish, not individualistic
That’s just gross.
I feel attacked lol im all for equally yoked relationships but I do see people as major inconveniences at this point in my life since im on a whole spiritual journey and dont have the energy budget to want to interact with low vibrational beings as i dont want their energy to deplete mine. Especially since i know my boundaries arent all the way up to par yet and ive only been in relationships whether relatives or "Friends" that habitually use me/take from me without pouring anything into me back.I think people are becoming more aware of toxic individuals and how it effects their lives so they're cutting people off more
Yes!!! The increased phenomenon of people complaining about others "trauma dumping" and "oversharing" is a perfect example of this. I've seen so many people say they hate small talk, but then they also seem to hate when people talk about anything real. Of course, there are exceptions; don't dump your shit on someone who is genuinely drowning in their own shit, someone you just met, or an unsuspecting employee who is literally paid to be nice to you. But if people really want meaningful, long-lasting relationships, they need to be willing to be vulnerable with others.
@@JessAnonymous if you stopped using all these crazy BUZZWORDS like 'equally yoked' or 'low vibration' or 'energy budget' you might be a more relaxed & likable person. Being friends with someone means that one has strengths & WEAKNESSES that offset the other's strengths & weaknesses. But what we fail to do any more, is have some compassion & tolerance for other's WEAKNESSES or downfalls, by recognizing that we also have weaknesses, quirks, annoying habits. All the people that are cutting off 'toxic' people will be left alone - because in reality they are the toxic ones. people are part of the Spiritual Journey & if you look at them as inconveniences, I don't honestly know what kind of spirituality you will ever find. sorry
Your point about travelling in cars and not walking also made me think about connection to land/place. I find that people don’t have as much connection to land anymore, which I think is detrimental to our well being and the health of both our immediate environment as well as the environment as a whole.
Cars culture in the US. I once read a book by Jamie Cat Callan titled French Women Don't Sleep Alone (originally published in 2009). It has mentioned about American using their cars as the outerwear, rather than wearing actual nice or flattering outerwear when going outside. The cause is because American go outside without the need to walk and expect to meet other people in a serendipity way. The American have given up impressing people as a way to make genuine connection, while the French don't.
My car was in the shop so I walked 7 miles to my Pilates class, the walk was beautiful and made me feel very connected to the outdoors. But I almost got hit my a car at least 6 times and that was with me being very aware of my surroundings. Made me never want to walk to nearby stores again 😬 our cities are not walkable
@@Angy8935 One time this car almost hit me when I was crossing the part where the sidewalk and curb cut meet. Maybe some of it was my fault, I don't usually look both ways when walking those patches, but this one was weird because he wasn't even turning, just coming from across the street. His vantage point of seeing me was way clearer than me noticing him from my peripheral. My guess is that he was on his phone.
@@DistressedDamsel79 I think most cars just aren’t used to seeing walkers or expecting there to be a walker nearby, that mixed in with their normal carelessness can make it extra dangerous to walk sometimes. Glad they did not hit you!
Oh definitely. I love my car rides because of how cinematic it can be, but I miss how walkable my old neighborhood was. I lived in the Philippines for the majority of my childhood, so it was normal for me to walk to my relatives’ house or the store or something, not to mention public transport was the norm and cars were for those of higher income. I deeply miss walking with my mom to the fish market instead of driving to the grocery store and being bored out of my mind cause it’s the same route over and over again, whereas walking provides more interest and promotes more notice to your surroundings.
As a forty year old man without a wife and kids, I have struggled greatly to maintain my friendships with people I greet up with. Disconnecting from social media has helped, but the constant texting makes it draining and diminishes the potency of hanging out. This video is so accurate. Thank you. New sub.
as a teen who recently lost my few close friends, i think we don't talk enough about how hard making new friends is. it may be my anxiety but i feel like im not "allowed" to talk to people if we dont have a "relationship" of any sort with them. i get a weird look when asking for directions and no one at school bothers to notice my presence. its almost as we discourage meeting new people, it would be weird if i came up to you just to say hey because now nobody does that! everyone is too busy with their own private lives. this makes it 100x harder to make new friends and im afraid i wont ever make them :') (im not sure if i worded this right, english is not my first language.)
Wow, you put into words something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I've recently started university, away from my hometown, and found it incredibly hard to socialise with my peers, as it seems they are all divided into those little groups of people who already know each other. Lots of them have similar interests to mine, yet because of that invisible "bubble" of their prior connection, it's been almost impossible to join in the conversations, without this feeling of not belonging.
I think there is something to the idea that meeting new people is subtly discouraged, like there's this unspoken social rule that if you speak to someone who didn't talk to you first, you're intruding on them. Which means that if no one approaches you first, you're kinda screwed.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on, but your comment really resonated on a personal level. Not sure if it helps, but you're definitely not alone in the way you feel. Though, I believe the fact that there *are* likeminded people means there is still hope out there, despite everything
Same, i also feel that way
@@Daydreamer-vb4edI'm also in college (Sophomore) and the way I made friends and acquaintances is by forcing myself to talk to people I did this to one person and she invited me to meet the rest of her friends now I'm in a group with her and her sister with the rest of her friends
I started Uni again this semester as well and I try to be friendly as possible. I’ve had people ask for directions and I try to give them the best I can. I think it depends on where you go to school and esp your major (poly sci students are usually future law students and they’re kind of mean, Business students are also pretty bland. These are just generalizations I’ve noticed, and they’re not 100% true. The earth sciences and natural science kids are kooky and weird in a good way lol)
I feel this so much. im 20 now havent had proper friends since leaving school at 18 ://
Im honestly shook at that take about picking your friends up from the airport?? Like I genuinely thought that was a wholesome and exciting experience for everyone..it made me wanna cry,
That person has clearly never had a friend take them to the airport lmao
I wanted to cry too when I saw that... I love welcoming my friends!!!! And I love getting to see them as soon as I possibly can if I’m the one arriving! If I’m just passing through to somewhere else I’ll invite a friend to get coffee with me at the airport during my layover. Or I’ll crash at their place overnight. Even if I have to let myself in and we only see each other while they rush to get ready for work the next day it’s worth it to us!!! Obviously they can do the same. They could turn up at my home unannounced and stay for a month and I’d be super happy! They could even bring a friend or cousin or someone like that who I’d never met before, I trust their judgement
It's honestly really ugly behavior. I don't get it because people aren't really doing much anyways because we are so hooked on our phones and stay indoors all the time
Ive stayed over friends houses so i'd be able to bring them to the airport in the morning. We got breakfast and everything together. It doesn't have to be viewed as an inconvenience, you can use it as a way to hang out for a bit too
It’s an act of love and great way to catch up ❤
As a therapist, I would venture to say most of my clients deal with these issues, and it's challenging because we are trying to manage this societal issue at the individual level. Everyone is lonely and needing community 💔 I might start sending my clients this video for some psychoeducation because this was well done and highlights the nuances of loneliness and friendships in our culture. I would only add that the focus on romantic love/the nuclear family also has a big role in this.
if there are two parents in the house, no there aren’t they’re both fully expected to dedicate their entire lives to their jobs. they’re not able to raise their kids and when they see them they’re disgusting humans they don’t want to be around
I don’t know if you know of him already, but Dr. K of the channel HealthyGamerGG has touched on this topic a bit & said much of the same.
He’s a board-certified psychiatrist & HealthyGamerGG is a company he co-founded to help primarily gamers with mental health, though it’s applicable to the wider technology addicted world . He talks about a host of topics, so check him out! He explains things in a way I find different than many other therapists, it feels more personal. I always feel like he is reading my mind lol.
@@nony_mationo gosh i was just thinking about this...
I left church just about 2 years ago. It was honestly an unhealthy environment where i had no real friends anyway (except maybe 1 or 2, whom i fear i am drifting apart from) . Now, at 40, i just have... youtube and my art?
I have been finally starting to branch out and pursue my interests with other people (ex. I started getting involved in community theatre). So far, that has led to, as the video called it, commemorative friendships. It feels so great, like i finally belong... and then it ends. I know it takes time to build deeper relationships, but it gets hard and lonely sometimes, for all the reasons cited in this video.
I have concluded that when i left church, i didn't realize that i also left community. And now i struggle to find more suitable replacement.
I've definitely brought this up in therapy and I was pretty sure that most of us are dealing with these things, but it's a small consolation. thanks for confirming though :)
@K.C-2049 I agree. I have a meeting with my on-campus therapist tomorrow right before class. Hopefully my eyes won’t be bloodshot red by the time I’m through with expressing how I feel. That was the only time I was able to get someone who I felt comfortable to talk to as well.
The whole topic about friends having access to you forever online, including friends that should have naturally faded away is something I talk about CONSTANTLy. It’s messed up so much about how I view my friendships.
This is such an interesting thought..It makes me think about how I tend to get overwhelmed with messaging back and forth with ppl and tbh I realized I can only maintain actual close relationships with a handful of people. Sometimes it makes me believe like I'm a bad friend whereas in reality some connections are just more shallow - which is fine!
!!!
yes it interferes with the natural lifespan of relationships
The loneliness has gotten to the point where I strive to be a social butterfly and host events at my house or other places with friends and friendly acquaintances. Most of the time, they’re a hit! But of course life gets in the way and an event gets canceled every now and then, but I can at least look forward to the next one.
That is one of my goals for this year! Just hosted this weekend and it was fun!
Same- but it’s honestly discouraging how many people cancel. I always anticipate that at LEAST half will flake, usually more. I get that sometimes things come up, but more often than not it’s just a “I love cancelling plans” meme situation. :(
In the Library profession, we’ve been discussing how libraries have become Third Places for many. Check out your local branch and see if they have any classes! Our painting and crafting classes are very popular
sadly lack of covid safety makes most public spaces including libraries an inaccessible and increasingly dangerous place for people to be, especially those of us suffering from long covid.
@@madeupname3008 update your shots, wear a mask and social distance. The library is safe as long as you make it safe.
"you can just scroll through someone's public instagram stories and it gives you the illusion of maintaining that friendship" I wanna add that if you're on their close friends list it feels like you are best friends even though you can not talk for months except for reacting and commenting on each other's stories 💀
oh my goodness, this is so true!
I can second that! I was weirded out when someone added me to their ‘close friends group’ knowing damn well we hardly engage in person
It’s literally so sad. I had unfollow half of my class because I was just following people to feel like I was friends with them but forgetting who they were and realizing I was sitting there “keeping up” with people I didn’t even know :/
The sad thing is you feel like you’ll never get to know them otherwise 😅
This!!!! My Bestfriend and I had a fallout because I kept explaining how we don’t talk, I’m just in all her private stories and close friends but WE DONT TALK, she tells me that talking is too draining and I was very understanding about it but I started to feel like she never wants to talk but can post all day on her story. I still hope we can fix things, I even have her birthday gift in my room for 2 months now but she won’t tell me when she’s free because she “forgets to respond” but then tells me “I think about you more than you know” but we can never get out of the phone and just talk things out face to face. (Sorry for dumping on you 😭)
Living as an international student in a small town, far away from my home country, I find solace in grocery shopping to feel 'alive'.
meanwhile at my local grocery store they replaced most cash registers with self checkouts🫠
Yes! Same. It's wild. You gotta pay for human contact.
Different state for me but same.
Economics play a big role in loneliness. I for one don’t like bringing friends over to my house because I live at home with my family. I don’t really have a place to host my friends unless it’s to go out and spend money.
I feel like this is part of the problem though! This isn’t personal criticism at all, idk your circumstances and I’ve felt the same. But in most cases this shouldn’t be an issue! Generally speaking people’s family and friends should be able to get along? Like sure having time for just friends or just family is nice. And not everyone’s going to be bffs when the groups mix, but they shouldn’t need to be to have a nice time together!! As long as you’re considerate in choosing when you invite people over and your friends know how to be respectful of other people’s space it should overall be fun, or at least healthy, for everyone. And it’s so easy to worry that there isn’t space in a small home but often you can make do. Some of the best social events I’ve been to are ones where I sat on the floor to eat because there weren’t enough chairs
exactly, most things to do you have to spend money.
@@EmL-kg5gni feel that part of the issue is that they might not be in best relationship with the family to be properly comfortable to bring friends into the home. I am in the same situation rn and while we are able to live together just fine, I do not feel close with my family and so I don't want to "mix" groups. It's kinda sad, but it is what it is :')
Ugh I feel this so much! I don't like hosting friends because my parents hoard everything and our toilet is broken and there's mold everywhere and rats because we're too poor to hire people to fix things and my dad doesn't care to fix things so we live around it, only my super close best friends have come over. I always say when I move out I can host but I'm worried it'll be late when that time eventually comes
Sadly, it's expensive to have friends in most cases. If you don't have money, you have no friends. Because keeping friends is expensive, especially nowadays. Just to get out of my house it would cost an arm to commute in my area, not to mention the places we'll go to and food will eat.
I just moved to a very rural area for a one year thing and I actually found myself increasingly going to the store to literally buy ANYTHING multiple times a week because there is nothing else to do no bars no coffee shops etc….. this phenomenon of hyper-consumerism and a lack of stimulating environment or activities is spot on. Definitely needs more attention by city planners and ppl for populated areas that still have nothing to do despite being surrounded by 100000s of people.
Get a hobby. There's probably clubs there. You could pick up a new skill
@@jozigirl7114way to completely miss the point of the original comment. Maybe stop barking orders at strangers on the internet, go out, get a hobby yourself.
Grew up rural, and just walking around Walmart was pretty big on the list of hangout spots cause there was just nothing else. Even that's not an option like it used to be anymore cause it closes at 11 now after covid, and everything else closes way earlier.
@@OneBeachKitty who asked you, 😸 do you live in a rural area? I do. Its great. Loads of different things to do. Rambling, knitting, sewing, spinning wool, flower pressing, stargazing... If you think that learning something new is lame - you're a terribly boring and lazy person, and I feel sorry for you.
@@jozigirl7114your hobbies must be missing the point, and telling strangers on the internet nonsense.
Imagine being too busy to pick up a loved one from the airport?? I thought a prerequisite of being friends is doing stuff for each other and expecting nothing in return because that's how you show someone that you care about them.
I 100% agree. I was BAFFLED by that HUSTLE BRO saying that, and it was so hard watching those clips? Like FR?!?!? I wish they said spoke.
Money is makes this stupid, capitalistic society we are in a little easier, but I could never imagine saying that to someone I cared about.
@@iamnoellemwait the excuse was because of money????
Yeah, I was really taken aback. I keep wondering if it's an age thing. Am I just too old to understand? --I'm an elder millennial.
It surprised me too. I felt honoured when a friend asked me to pick them up at the airport last year. Like theyve just got from/are starting a trip and they wanna see me first thats so nice to me… I printed out a silly sign and got there really early and they got me a coffee as a thank you. I really cherish that memory!
my friend wouldn't drive me to the E.R because he was about to go to bed. Which i understand if you have to be up early for work. But couldn't be me lol
As a disabled person who is often not able to leave the house, or even my bed, the internet as a third space has quite literally saved my life. Just wanted to add a slightly less dystopian perspective about it all here.
Me too.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. It makes me feel very hopeful 💖
@@Empathy-and-resilience aw, thank you for this comment. I’m glad it was helpful in some way!
Cool, I'm happy for you all I hope your online communities continue to exist as a place for you all. It's destroying the rest of society though so we need to find a solution here 🙏🏾 for people who can be outside they need to be outside. The Internet and more specifically social media is a black hole for many, whatever marginal benefits exist are offset by the horrible drawbacks to basically socialization. Yes I'm on here and have been on here and will continue to be on here. It is still not optimized for human connection
@@SolAya21 I don’t think the solution is a segregated society where able-bodied people go outside and disabled people stay on the internet. I think it’s okay and normal that the internet is a scary and weird place, it is extremely new as a tool, that doesn’t mean it can’t, or wont, get better with more time and innovation.
It's rough out here. Plain and simple.
It's hard to make friends, and if you're younger, you and your friends are basically banned from public.
So what are we supposed to do? How can we start to get back to easily making friends, creating third place, and normalizing basic communication?
This isn’t me being devil’s advocate, I’m genuinely asking if anyone has any proposals 😭
Especially if you're Black! No wonder kids can't wait to "be adults" and go to bars, they're the only place that interesting things are happening. 🙃
@@afrofaerieslibrary hangout?
what I've done is volunteered at the local museum, taken community ed courses, joined a sailing club, (where we literally go out in small sailboats) find something you love to do, (knitting, gaming, bowling, cosplaying, dancing, quilting, joining a community band or chorus, making miniatures) and at least you and these other people will share a common interest or goal. @@afrofaeries
@@afrofaeriesI wonder that too as someone who is a parent
Girl you out did yourself on this one. On the nose and so well done. Thank you for putting into words the convergence of so many themes.
Yea these themes were honestly so well spoken and thoroughly researched. This video really resonated with me
💯
Little girls wanting to grow up so quickly makes me so sad. They have no idea how many 20 year olds spend their days wishing they could go back or remember their childhoods.
At 20 you're still a child 😂
@@claudiaring8934you missed the whole point. 20 you are young but childhood is long gone.
Same. Im in my 20s and I feel that if conditions were different in the world I might be enjoying adulthood much better but with how things have turned out and are now I associate having a community and friends and free time, and feeling generally happy and ok all with childhood and to a extent teens too. I would do anything to go back so seeing kids wanting to get here do bad is very strange to me.
@missline9204 no I get the point I'm just saying at 20 you are still very much not yet an adult. So at 10 or 12 or 15 yeah you're a baby and parents should let kids be kids and discourage this weird behavior
Hell, when I turned 18 I was wishing to go back because I was scared of adulthood…!
as someone who is aromantic and deals with a LOT of loneliness because of it, i love that you brought up friendships needing just as much attention as a romantic partnership! a lot of the time my friends go off with partners or spend more time texting them and im left behind, we definitely need to start putting more effort into friendships
The way Mina links all these ongoing social trends together is so clever and seamless, truly an excellent speaker!
For real! She is brilliant 🥰💅🙌
excellent thinker/mind you mean! She is also great at verbalizing her thoughts tho 😌
excellent thinker/mind you mean! She is also great at verbalizing her thoughts tho 😌
excellent thinker/mind you mean! She is also great at verbalizing her thoughts tho 😌
I would kill to have her as a professor!
I would really recommend people making friends outside of their age group. I have friends in their 60s from my choir and they are amazing. They have incredible lives and they'll randomly come out with something like 'My brother made a dulcimer out of a kitchen door in the 50s' and I'm like 'WHAT?!'. They're so fun. And they don't care if you are cool or not like some younger people do, they just care if you're nice or not.
But what do you bring to the relationship? Sure, they're interesting and enrich your life with their stories and that's so random and fun hahahahahaha, but what do they get in return? All you're doing is recommending that other people take from older people because they're more likely to give. What are you giving?
@@mydogeatspuke I'm sorry that you've had a bad day or that life hasn't treated you well. I hope there are better times ahead for you.
@@iarlais397 lmao my day has been great, you wacko. It's a genuine question and one you should always be asking yourself with every relationship. You have to know what you're bringing, what you offer, otherwise you're a taker and they are the ones giving, and that isn't fair to them. That you're so defensive and quick to attack a stranger for asking a valid question clearly demonstrates that you know full well you aren't bringing anything and are exactly the kind of person that you're trying to avoid.
@@mydogeatspuke I'm sorry that you're in pain ❤️
@@iarlais397 I'm sorry that you can't stay in reality..? There are medications for that.
It’s so interesting that third places have become a buzzword recently. I’m an urban planner and these are thoughts that dominate my head space 24/7. It makes me so happy that people are starting to understand how important it is to have public space especially social infrastructure. Our politicians have disinvested from the public realm and have supplemented this with privatization of every public sector and individualized the burden of living in a malfunctioning country.
Thanks for talking about ghosting; it was really validating about being ghosted by someone I used to be really close to. One day she just...stopped texting back. About anything. I even reached out to mutuals to make sure she was okay. She was fine, just...not talking to me. Idk, maybe this happens all the time, but it's the first time it's happened to me so blatantly. Not knowing why genuinely hurts. It still hurts. It leaves an empty place where there used to be warmth, and there's so little warmth nowadays that losing even a little bit can leave this gaping hole in your life.
In books and movies and fictional stories with satisfying endings, the main character always gets closure. That last conversation to end a relationship, or the reason why things didn't work out, or the big cathartic blowup where everyone clears the air about their feelings. Real life isn't like that. You hardly ever get true closure on the everyday things that itch in the back of your mind, and part of growing up is learning to live with that and move past it.
it sucks for sure
It's so devastating to be on the different "friendship level" with your group. Coming up with any excuse/activity/place to meet up and to face the brick wall of disinterest. They think it's all right to text and to see each other once a year, while you're wondering whether you have any friends at all.
This comment really resonated with me. Since I’ve moved and all my friends are spread out, no one is willing to drive and come see me anymore and think texting is just fine and only seeing each other every six months. Bruh we’re in the worst of times.
@@aimeewilson4505my friends live 5 minutes away and don't come visit. And I try. Always the initiator. It hurts, but somehow this thread made me feel less alone. I don't use any social media, so I am usually forgotten about completely.
Edit to include I hope you found some peace of mind in here too. I realize now my comment looks up-stagey and that was 100% not my intention. Trying to be relatable but failing: another harsh side-effect of this problem
This happens with me and I hate it. I prefer to hang out regularly if possible and to keep in contact through texts and/or social media too. I have some friends I see once or twice a year, and they don’t seem interested in being closer, even if we used to hang out nearly every day.
I’d like being like this or enjoy being a better friend to these people
@@kerrypoppins5388Don't worry about it. I don't think you failed at all. I also don't feel like you wanted to upstage anybody!
Ok, here I am crying because of a trembling hollow feeling of alienation and loneliness in my chest today looking for a way to soothe myself and here is Mina ready to speak to my soul 😅
Sending you some hearts ❤ ❤️ ❤ Come back and comment here if you ever need more
Honestly this vid made me tear up a bit, you’re not alone lovely! I really hope you find good relations
I know how that is! Sending hearts from Canada ❤❤❤
You're not the only one. Here, have some more hearts ❤❤❤
Me too girl ❤❤
Liking this just because it has third spaces in the title...please get involved locally and advocate for increased walkability, bikeability, and increased transit with denser developments, a huge reason we don't have third spaces is that we're atomized in cars. Strong Towns has good ways to advocate, I also have tips.
I'm from EU and those things you mentioned, like walkabilitty, do not constitute third place. Everyone just has heradphones and looking down.
@@jiri6691I think they’re implying infrastructure change which hopefully creates parks, fields etc
on their own of course not
What do you suggest for non-urban spaces?
@@daniellebalouise9596 Urban, suburban or rural, what we all need is parks, libraries, community centers, artists & musician places, literally anything people can gather without spending any moneyor getting harassed by cops/security/Karens etc.
@@theaizere Exactly, we have parks and libraries but getting to them usually requires a car (and we could definitely use more town squares).
I do some work yearly in Cuba, I am in love with their plaza culture. In every neighbourhood there will be, if not one, multiple plazas with trees and many places to sit. Until the early hours of the morning, any day a week, you’ll find kids, teens, young adults, adults, and elderly people hanging out, singing, dancing, playing music, playing dominoes, etc. I remember walking down the street in Piñar del Río on a Wednesday night and it felt more alive than the capital city of my province in Canada on a Friday night.
They literally cannot understand it when us Canadians and Americans told them that often we don’t talk to, or even know our neighbours. In Cuba they’ll have block parties every month, and I’ve been to three and they’re an incredible time!! Watched an all teenager band play some of the coolest funk I’ve heard, at the block party.
I worked at Sephora in 2016… as soon as the Rihanna line dropped and Marc Jacob’s beauty was getting big we had SO many young girls STEALING this stuff lol. Like honey that $100 palette isn’t like stealing from the dollar store, you will get taken to the back
My local Ulta doesn't allow anyone under 18 in without an adult because of all the thefts 🤦♀
This kids ain’t even humble😂😅
I recently moved to China and the emphasis on public transit or things being within walking distance of each other has been MIND BLOWING. While there aren’t a million true “third places” but there’s so much outside seating in shopping centers very obviously not dedicated to a store and encouraging groups to sit. There are restaurants that are very intentionally meant to be a group meal more about socializing and spending time than eating. People here are so quick to grab or link arms while they walk with you and I can’t remember a time I’ve ever had that experience. It’s great.
15 minute cities… a dystopian nightmare.
That sounds rlly amazing except for the the random ppl linking arms with you. That would scare me so bad 💀
I’ve noticed that working class and poor are more likely to help each other. Because they don’t have the money for task rabbit. And the favor is often paid back by helping them move or take them to the airport. People who have the money to pay for that, won’t ever ask friends to do this stuff.
rural people too. not even necessarily poor rural, just having very few people around makes you very dependent on the few that are there. Plus, you tend to be related to them or have lived in the same area for generations & 'know' everyone. I tell our new seasonal neighbors that come from cities that our most valuable resource in the country is our RELATIONSHIPS. Please, don't come here & shit them up. In long island you can piss the mechanic off because there are 3 more on the next block. In the country there is ONE & you will have to bump into him in the minimart, church, town hall, etc...you are forced to be nice to people & to do for others because you WILL need their help in the future.
Great video ❤ when I worked at a free museum we were discussing how libraries and museums were kind of the only places left that were still warm and safe that weren't constantly trying to sell you something
Underrated comment!
Oh my god, I moved to the States in 2022 from Germany and the non existence of third place(at least where I live) combined with the fact that I can’t walk anywhere is exactly why I struggle. I always say I feel like I live in a ghost town, because nobody just goes outside.
When I try and voice this problem, nobody understands what I’m trying to sayyyyy.
Mina Le always helps me understand why America is the way it is ❤
Agreed. I live in the suburbs and it’s like a rat living in a maze. Just endless rows of the same exact house. No one outside. Don’t know the neighbors really. It’s very isolated. It snowed in Nashville last week. I drove around multiple neighborhoods and never saw a single snow man. What happened to fun? It was the first snow of the year and no kids even went outside to build a snow man??? Wth?
Apparently, after the world war 2, they didn't even bother building sidewalks in a lot of suburbs which is 🤯 I had never really realized how walking was not a thing 🤣
This started around the 1980s. It wasn't always this way
Also because the US is car dominated, so you physically cannot just be outside in most places without getting harassed or killed. People don't just *walk*. Cars destroyed this country.
@@kathleenking47gotta love good ol’ Reagan lmao
I wonder too, if the influence of social media has really reduced our willingness to have people over at our homes. Every house that we see curated by influencers is aesthetic and clean and not really representative of what the average person‘s home looks like. If that’s the expectation that we feel like we must live up to, and that other people are also expecting in our own space, I think that makes us less willing to socialize within our own homes.
Well yea, and back to the manners, some people dont know how to behave when invited over.
I agree with this I have 2 sister in laws that just built beautiful homes but they won't even have their kids birthday parties at their house because of what they think people will say about their house .. it's silly and sad
I totally agree with this but I think a bigger factor is the fact that housing is so expensive and most young adults live with multiple roommates. It feels rude to have friends over when your other roommates are home. But when you all live with roommates....
Yes, absolutely, this has happened to me, I can confirm this is true. All of these videos of influencers that make crazy amounts of money and buy amazing apartments at 22 are not most people's reality. And all of us consciously or not have this stupid pressure to make houses aesthetic just so that we feel like we fit in. I only have people over when I'm alone and the house is clean and tidy, I over stress over having aesthetic furniture and other meaningless stuff. But all of this, as stupid as it sounds, is imposed by t social media. It's crazy
@@rikkisramblings or that others will 'mess' their homes up. I find that sentiment to be more common
On the note of the "you need to go to therapy section" I've also seen an increasing amount of takes online that friends who share their problems with you are inherently toxic and manipulative and it's like.... do you really not care?? About your friends?? It just baffles me. I for one probably wouldn't be alive rn if I hadn't had my friends but hey
I understand what you mean, but I think people meant something that becomes more and more common I noticed. Some people become friends with you and basically treat you like a free therapist. They only come to you to vent, ask for advice, then proceed to not listen to said advice and later blame you for not giving them enough attention meanwhile they don't even bother to be there for YOU. It gets exhausting at some point and it IS toxic.
@@annafirnen4815 that is also true! I feel like it's kind of coming to extremes on both sides here, which is generally not the way.
Yes absolutely! I had some toxic friends for awhile and it seemed like any emotion that wasn’t sunshine or rainbows should be taken to a therapist or I was violating their “boundaries”.
@@Miche_beauty0112YEP. or you just give off “bad energy” for being anything other than fucking happy
Yes! The word is so overused as to lose it true meaning.
I heard this on a podcast a few weeks ago: "we consider our isolation as freedom".
If you have no real connections, you don't have to give to anyone and you have no responsibility towards anyone. This can feel liberating in the immediate, but in the long term if you help/listen to/ gi to no one, you will have no one to help/listen to/give to you.
never have i seen a video-essay that so-perfectly describes this underlying, lingering feeling of dread and discontentment living in the u.s. seriously, SUCH amazing work done here. thank you for providing such meaningful commentary with thoughtful sources that ALL CONNECT! GENUINELY SCARY HOW IT ALL CONNECTS! specifically the aesthetic curating online, wowow. ya, literal instant subscribe
As someone who is disabled and home bound a lot, this problem has felt suffocating for a while, I’m so glad you have explored the loneliness epidemic! Our communities are just not set up to socialise in person without expense or physical exertion. Love you girlie
I get you on this
Im disabled too so I completely understand how you feel
I'm not disabled but struggling physically in a way so I'm absolutely exhausted by people suggesting "just get a hobby" when most social hobbies are about sports or crafting which are both inaccessible to me on bad days. And since everything nowadays in membership based, I can't just come in once in a while but have to commit and spend the money regardless of whether I'll be able to come in or not. I wish someone made a video about the loneliness epidemic and chronic illness/disability in specific because that adds a whole new layer of hardships and hopelessness.
@@backtoroots316 i agree 100%, honestly i was thinking of making a video essay on it because it feels like a topic that needs to be highlighted. Its that problem of wanting good social connections but not wanting to compromise wholly by only having online friendships. But when your body is also fighting you it can make the problem that much more exhausting.
@@noodlefoosa5191 I think many people would appreciate a video essay on this! I am grateful for everyone who is courageous enough to make us more visible, knowing how rampant ableism still is in today's society.
I genuinely feel so much better knowing I’m not alone in how isolated I feel. Social media makes it worse because I see all my “popular” online friends constantly posting photos and videos from their socializing and it makes me feel like I’m a weirdo because I struggle to reach out and only have a few close friends who live in different cities. One of my resolutions for this year is to explore my interests more to meet new friends and seek out third spaces, but the social anxiety from Covid/lockdowns makes it reeeally hard to follow through some weeks.
I became jobless in late 2020 and my car broke very shortly after that and I actually got the worst case of cabin fever because NONE of my friends would come to me to see me anymore and I realized it was because I was always the one going to see them but I couldn't anymore so I didn't see some of those friends again. And I've never gotten that sense of "social fulfillment" from interacting with people online so even though I texted or messaged them everyday, I still felt so incredibly alone. I'm pretty sure I lost my ability to socialize and I was an incredibly outgoing person before that. I still struggle to not feel awkward when I talk to people even years later
Joining a gym that does group classes every day has completely transformed my mood. I'm still not making "friend" friends yet, but it's still nice to have a different place to go that's not work/home and see familiar faces.
I relate to this 100% 😊 hopefully we meet our tribe soon
Yes this has helped me tremendously!! I work remote and look forward to dancing and doing yoga with the groups of wormer. Hang in there eventually you will make friends. Also library is a great place reading is a good way to pass time & lots of museums offer free passes to museums which is also a good way to go out and meet new people.
Nyc is filled with 3rd spaces. Literally everywhere I've seen communities. I try to host at least 1x a week. I had a samba teacher come to my house and teach my friend's and I last week. Sometimes I do movie or cocktail nights. I plan to buy some paint and canvases soon as well. It's great to create memories.
How can you find these kinds of events?
You mentioning the lack of sidewalks made me feel vindicated because my dad’s house was built in a suburban area, but there are no sidewalks. The builders decided to fill in that area with rocks. It drives me nuts!! There’s a regular bus stop and two school bus stops in that area, so passengers have to either wait on the rocks or the street. There’s no benches for people to wait or any overhead covering for bad weather. It definitely felt like the people who designed it have never lived somewhere or had to figure out what people use the area for.
Miscarriages in Gaza have gone up by 300%, c sections with no anesthesia, babies being cut from their dead mother’s wombs. Stand up for Palestine!
I've been lonely for a long period of time. It's not just complete and utter sadness. It's a wide range of negative emotions.
The fact that we all practically live like this, unless we have a good sense of community and connections. It's forced me to just decide maybe I should go back into volunteering, even if I truly wish I could be paid for the time I spend doing so.
I have a group of friends I hag out with regularly. Like 2+ times a week. I am still lonely. It's rough out here. You're not alone in feeling this way.
@@MikuHatsune159 i was so desperate that i tried to volunteer ,only got to lose money for transportation and feel more loneliness since no one really chat with strangers anymore
I dont mean to diminish your feelings, but your pfp really goes well with your comment. I realte a lot to both
certainly my same sentiments since around the end of 2022.
thank you. i'm 17 and the "grown-up world" looks scary. i've been fearing going into adulthood because how am i supposed not to fear it when all i see adults around me are doing is isolating themselves. this video made me fear that a little bit less. i like the idea of living in my own appartement and having friends come over whenever they'd like and just like building all these friendships. sounds exciting for future me
“Coming over whenever they like” huh. Nope. Well, you do you, but not everyone would like uninvited guests even if they are friends. You can’t possibly have a picture perfect apartment 24/7, there will always be things hanging on your chair, fur everywhere , even if you clean it every day (that is if you have animals), food for guests not ready.
The only thing is that right now, it is 90% impossible to become financially well off as a young person, unless you come from a well off family. It's such an insanely uphill battle. Working your life away for bare minimum money, you're left with no energy to socialize or go out. It's a cycle. We need jobs to pay actual liveable wages, and also the work week needs to be reduced from 50 hours on average to 35, as other countries have done. Capitalism has ruined the individual's existence in America, and other countries as well. We aren't afforded humanity.
I moved out when I was 18, and now I'm 26 back living at home because the economy is so fucked.
@@jackapps2126 What's wrong with an apartment that isn't picture perfect, why are things hanging on your chair bad?? Are you seriously trying to claim that having a regular looking apartment instead of some architectural digest open door-esque apartment means that you can never have guests over? You either need better friends or need to stop caring about appearances so much.
I don't usually comment in RUclips, but I wanted to say that having friends close and visit has been the best thing in my life. I have been married for over 6 years and about to have my fourth kid, and the biggest support, besides my wonderful husband, is a friend I live near. And our friendship works because we hangout basically every week, at the drop of a hat no matter the state of our respective homes. We don't judge each other, we help with each other's kids, joys, and struggles. People are always more important stuff. I think you, @aniakw9, have a great vision for the start of your life! Friends make life worth living, and living well!
i'm 17 and i've isolated myself my whole life, and adulthood doesn't look promising. it's also how when you turn 18 or when you're 17 you're expected to be a whole person and be an adult, but i still feel like a kid
I hate when some people act like talking about your struggles and what you are going through with a friend means that you are “trauma dumping” on them. I’m sure that phrase makes sense in certain circumstances, but I feel like most of the time it’s just wanting a friend to give you advice or just a shoulder to lean on and to get things off their chest. Just talking to someone about struggles can really help.
If the majority of interactions is positive (I think there was studies done for romatic relationships with an ideal ratio of 1 to 5 as the ideal) it's fine I think. The original concept of trauma dumping was intended to discourage people randomly bringing up triggering, disturbing stuff to others without consent but it does not mean talking about mental health and having a tough time in general. Two distinctly different things.
Yeah, that's why i don't like the term. Why is there so many terms for every small thing more than ever? Lol.
This made my childhood feel idyllic. I lived on a cul de sac with other kids my age, parents who were friends and did block parties, a neighborhood to bike around, a gas station that sold slurpees in safe walking distance. We had sports games at school, dances, malls to wander. My mom and I used to visit the same Starbucks as a rare treat and we knew everyone by name. We weren’t wealthy, even poor at some points, but we had community. My parents worried, but never had to REALLY worry. I’ve been through some really hard times, but I feel very grateful after this video.
This video was the kick in the butt I needed to reach out to a friend I wronged and apologize. Thank you ❤
based W activity
I'm 32 now and the biggest culprit over the years in my eyes has been social media + phones, the lack of commitment and decline of friendship value in my opinion. During my time as an early teenager, we were a lot more present with each other. We made dates via a landline (imagine that) and met up when we arranged to meet up. Friendships were valued. Outdoor adventures together valued. Work was important but never more important than still having time for your loved ones. Now everyone is busy, living their lifes online, people are not present in the moment anymore and constantly on their phones. It's easy to flake on others and simply send a message to cancel. No one is inclined to make connections in real life anymore, or talk to strangers. I've never had this much trouble making new friends when I moved to a new city. It's truly an epidemic!
Same, i’ve recently moved. I have never had such difficulty meeting new people.
🎯
I'm 46 and I am that crazy lady that talks to random strangers 😂, just today I offered to take an elderly lady and her groceries home, she thanked me but said that she lived on the next block, hopefully it was true and she wasn't just afraid of me and then as we were leaving my daughter's horse riding school i noticed a teenager from the school waiting at the gate and offered him a ride. People are very wrapped up in a very closed off world, we need to look at strangers in the eye and smile 😁.
yes!! I've been saying social media is a culprit for a while but I used to be laughed at for this, glad to see more and more people are realising this
I’m 32 also and was just talking about this to my younger two brothers 27 and 29! They also remember life before and after social media and cell phones as we know now. I kind of missed those days back then sometimes!!!!!
The part about backyard chicken is close to my heart. I got 4 hens and a rooster during the CVD. Its so much fun watching them go out and play in the yard. The eggs taste so much better! I loved working from home and watch them through the window.
They are/were such happy chickens
The joy/love of backyard chickens can only be truly understood by other fellow chicken owners 😊 they're definitely special creatures and it's so fun to watch their personalities and social circles (I had 22 at one point).
This makes me happy. They're such marvellous creatures.
So happy while you steal their eggs
@@AreGeeBee i pay them in hugs and food :D
“Don’t ask your friend to pick you up from the airport. Use Uber, save a friendship.” Say you’re a terrible friend and person without saying you’re a terrible friend and person. Like tf are you talking about? Of course I’ll pick you up if you’re my friend
that makes me so mad. i literally dropped the plans I had one day to drive my homie to work
Agree. I think a good friend is worth whatever you were 'meant' to be doing that time, no question. It's interesting to see that there's been a type of people popping up that are only willing to connect when it's convenient for them. I was taught that friendships are like plants, you gotta work for them and be patient. It's not always about you.
Like Mina summarized, it's this cold transactionalism that gig work and stagnant wages has done to us. And that podcast weirdo with the "you're taking $1000s from me" angle reminds me why I avoid speaking to men nowadays, yikes.
Exactly!!! I’m sick, I can’t work at all and I often struggle just to chew three meals worth of food and shower everyday. But I would cry if my friends felt like they couldn’t even ask me 😭 They’re my friends! I can’t push myself all the time and I have to manage my energy but I can push myself occasionally and I would absolutely prioritise something like that 🥺 I get to welcome them, I get to talk with them or sing songs in the car, I get to help them carry their bags. Like why wouldn’t I want to do that if I can?
People who have no real friends are always the ones projecting this narrative the most, and its almost always an American doing it. Then they'll constantly complain about being lonely and then never ask themselves why none of their friendships last
I feel a lot of what you talked about is also related to “individualism” and the whole “if it doesn’t serve you, let it go.” And I feel like that’s been really harmful because we stopped taking other people’s feelings into account. I hate that friends that may have mental health struggles are told to get help, but sometimes all they need is a friend. Taking care of ourselves is good! But at what cost if we lose community?
What she's describing is the death of traditionalism and community and the rise of extreme individualism. A community is not a fake curated space filled with people who think exactly as you do, it's a group full of true diversity of thought and ideas connected by the fact that they live in the same area and are human.
Why do people think they are owed friendship, acknowledgement and attention?
@@sonicleavesI don’t think I’m owed friendship. I just think that individualism has ruined community and is a way to not deal with real problems. Just my opinion though! You can have yours.
@@sonicleavesIn a traditional community a person is owed certain basic respect (hospitality, politeness, mutual aid) in exchange for providing these things for others. One thing I think we miss in the current system is smaller, day to day interactions.
Honestly I dont think we need friendships we need community. Like the ones we used to have at church, small town events, places where we can help and be helped and find a place to belong and purpose. Having friends is great yes but theres more to it imo
A way that I like to communicate more deeply with my friends that are far away (as we're all very busy and phone calls are super hard to schedule) is to send them letters ! We talk more deeply than by messages, and we add delicate intentions such as care to our writing and doing little drawings, stickers, sending candy or a tea bag... I feel like it's really special because you truly take the time to think about your friend, while also reflecting on your life or talking about your passions ! Really recommend as an alternative to Mina's suggestion of making spontanious phonecalls ! (Bonus: older generations love it, so it's great if you want to connect more to your grandparents or older loved ones, which I think feel even more deeply about losing community) 😊
I love this idea 😮
That's really cute! I'd love to do this when I can! I remember when my mom and her parents would frequently write letters, it's fun seeing the stamps and having something physical from someone. I sent them a postcard last winter.
And I need an excuse to get to do wax seals!
I really like that idea
My best friend and I used to write letters to each other for a good 6+ years😊 I really think it strengthened our friendship. there's no feeling like getting a handwritten letter just for you ❤
I studied anthropology and urban studies in my undergrad program. Your video reignited that interest and gave me a lot to think about, especially in the context of our increasingly digital world - thank you!
I connected with the repairing of friendships. I tried to express my hurt feelings to a friend recently because I wanted us to work on the friendship. However, I was met with passive aggressiveness and her stating we needed “a break.” It has been weeks, and I am solidified that, unless she reaches out to apologize for her reaction, I am better off not continuing the friendship.
good on you for attempting, it's better to try than leave it be dormant IMO. I got a similar reaction the one time I felt that my friend and I could have been closer and harbor a real friendship. Unfortunately, I forgot that this person has time and time again been a shitty person to others in my immediate circle, which I was going to walk into that trap myself.
Kudos to you. I wish I had attempted that with a friendship that ended a few years ago. I doubt it would have gone anywhere, tbh, as our last exchange was quite painful to me, but I wish I'd at least tried. I think I would feel more at peace today with having ended it.
went through something similar almost a year ago; it was difficult at first but then you start to understand that someone who truly values you won’t meet your expressions of hurt with “I need a break” or “I need to protect my peace”. There is a difference between needing space and then fully just avoiding people because of their guilt + shame. I hope you find healing within yourself and meet kinder and more considerate people 💛
I gave up with trying to make new friends and hang out with people just because I got so sick of repeatedly being flaked on at the last minute. People wonder why they’re lonely but then treat people like crap when they have the chance. Friendship is about give and take.
God, same! At some point you just feel that constantly coming up with places to meet/activities and facing zero enthusiasm in return is too much effort. Especially if you're introvert and this doesn't come naturally.
I'd think that people just hate me or are avoiding, but no, apparently it's just a new norm for some people - to be friends without ever seeing each other.
I'm tired because i'm always happy with friends, and i'm always feeling bad for how little those friends care about me. It's rough
It is rough, but please dont give up.
people are there who have time & respect to give you!!
But you are the one who has to be assertive to get to these more reliable, less flaky friends. I find that more assertive & more social people tend to be flaky, so you have to do the reverse & act as the assertive one to ignite an interest from someone else who isn't assertive, someone more like yourself; just so you can catch their interest. if that makes sense.
It takes hard work to make a good friend, & it's going to hurt to get there but it's there
Right? It's such a meme to be quirky and be happy about canceling plans on people and that type of practice pisses me the hell off. I *wanted* to see you. I wanted to have a good time with you and you treat canceling that plan like it's a relief?? How damaging is that to your self-esteem?? At that point you're not an introvert, you're antisocial. Can't stand it.
Oh my God this! I'm too young to know if this is a new thing with the way people socialize or its always been that way, but people are SO FLAKEY!!
I'm an introvert I'd say, but I feel the prominence of that term in the general public eye has had terrible effects. Like the other commenter said people acting like canceling plans is quirky. Or like not even bothering to give a one sentence text reply is normal cause they have a low "social battery." I've literally had someone stop me from continuing a conversation we were having cause we had only planned a specific activity together and they weren't prepared for us hanging out to go beyond that one topic.
These people aren't intraverts, their God damn ANTI-SOCIAL. But because that term is so common people think it's quirky and normal.
This was so meaty. I felt very called out by the observation that we view home as "safe" and outside home as "dirty" / "dangerous". I wonder how much of that mindset is due to the pandemic, but yeah, I assume that anywhere outside of my safe space will be a negative drain on me (whether or not that’s actually true). Lots to chew on; thanks Mina!
I feel like the dangerous outside space also has to do with things like street harassment, litter, and also just how we all probably have experienced or witnessed people acting unhinged and frightening due to crime and mental health issues overwhelming our society. Like in the city it tends to be genuinely dirty like poo and overturned trash cans on the sidewalks. Or how you can't make eye contact with certain people or they may follow you or yell at you or touch you and stuff. It puts you on guard to get where you need to be and not open yourself to experience the outside.
I feel like ghosting vs cutting ties by talking things out are like psycologic horror vs jumpscare horror
Actually talking is anxiety inducing for the other person, but it's short and they can get over it faster.
Ghosting makes them question and is suspenseful, long, and painful like psychological horror.
Your comment made me laugh because of how accurate it is! 😂
I’m gonna start using that now!
@@HotelMari0Maker spread the word!!
True. (guys i’m gonna start waffling) Funnily, when i was 12, a friend told me we should stop hanging out & see other people bcoz “we’re growing up, new chapter” lol, we didn’t talk for a long time…then i randomly reached out thru FB a while back, n she gave me her new insta- fast forward to this year, we’re 20, both moved to diff countries, n she doesn’t even talk to the people i saw her w/ in the hallways after we “cut-ties”, but she was my only childhood friend to greet me on my bday this year🥲
Another part of the third place issue I think is our proximity to local friends. I live within walking distance of a lot of great potential third places but none of my friends are close enough to make that a good meeting point. With people so spread out, it’s almost impossible to find a good neutral third place where you could show up and expect to see friends anytime since it would take everyone 30+ minutes to get there.
YES! I live in Cincinnati and suddenly all of my friends are a minimum drive of 20 minutes away :'(
But that is also what third places are meant for, meeting people close by. It is important to create community where we live, even if these people won't become you best, most intimate friends.
One of the problem in my opinion, is the sole focus on those very intimate friendships and putting on them the burden of fullfilling every social need we have. But sometimes we just need to chat 10 minutes to someone in line at the bakery or watch a sport match in a bar and bond with that guy that lives two blocks away. And that doesn't mean they now have to come to your house twice a month, but they are satisfying social interactions
@@mykki.d but is 20 minutes really that much of a burden???? city people. Where I live, out in the country, EVERYTHING is a 20 minute drive. You want groceries? 30-40 min. You want to eat out? 15-20 minutes. friends? 30+ minutes. Dr.s offices???? try 45- 60 minutes. For people who find a 20 minute drive an obstacle....you would starve to death in the country or at the very least die of something before you would be willing to trek to the drs. or hospital.😅
I agree with you and that is why I wouldn't live in the country either lol!@@pattyhansen7563
@@pattyhansen7563im in the city and a 20 minute ride on public transportation is nothing. im used to hour long commutes to visit friends, go to work, appointments. etc.. if i have the time, ill make it! plus, i get to read books during the commute because im not driving myself. but some people really dont like public transportation so they let that stop them from going out and having fun.
Honestly I think one factor is just how hesitant people are to initiate plans. Like when we do meet people and get their contact info, sometimes it feels so intrusive or assumptive to follow up and see if they want to hang out. That was a big goal for me when I moved last year, I told myself I would follow up and honestly that change has helped my social life so much. Obviously not saying it's a solution to solve systemic problems, but just something that's helped me.
100%! I always feel stupid trying to initiate plans. I worry that people don’t want to hang out with me and would only say yes to be polite. No matter how nice they are, that’s where my mind goes and I hate it and don’t want to be like that.
@@tessmoffett5512 I feel that 100%, but every single time I have, the person has told me "I'm so glad you reached out, I was nervous about making plans with you" and it's been great! You just gotta prove yourself wrong and it gets easier
I think that’s part of what was mentioned with the airport convo and the end boundary convo, like we’re soooo concerned with intrusion and assuming that we’re bothering people, especially when it’s perceived as “unproductive”, that we stop initiating valid socialization in general
I really fell for the whole “you can totally move to another city and make friends and find community immediately” and two years later I realized that is so incredibly untrue, especially during a pandemic and especially if you work remotely. I ended up moving back to a city close to my home city (close enough to drive or take a relatively short train or bus ride for visits) where I already knew a few people and it’s been so much easier. I’ve never been more lonely than I was when I moved and I’ve never been less lonely than I am now when I’m physically close to people I know.
I’d like to give people hope I’m a senior in high school and the amount of times we have asked to play cards or the amount of boys playing dice? The amount of us wanting activities that aren’t screens? It is GROWING we want more “analog” activities. Just to give yall some hope!
Another librarian chiming in! Thank you for making this video, Mina. (Public) libraries are shifting with community needs and they are mostly no longer silent-only spaces for studying and reading. They are free community spaces for you to gather, become involved, and connect. I want to point out that depending on your community's capacity and funding, many public libraries have tween/teen spaces for ages 12 +. Many public libraries are adapting to support the tweens/teens that often aren't afforded equal opportunities in third spaces (hello Sephora kiddos likely looking for something to do). We librarians want to see these spaces used, so PLEASE come use them.
Lastly, some public libraries are also becoming merged with maker spaces. The library I work at has boards games, puzzles, a nintendo switch, crafting table, STEAM toys, and of course books for teens and adults to use during their visit. As a librarian I want to say you are welcome to visit at any time (also pls also make a library card, it helps with our funding)
❤
We have a library like that in Frisco. If you need silence there is a section but the rest is a community area.
Id probably be a lot worse off without libraries and other public centers. I tend to work long hours and like everyone, get bogged down with daily life chaos. The library has been an amazing escape from that monotany, gives sense of actual community and just chill! The staff at my town are always so friendly and helpful. Thank you all for cultivating this environment.
Would I've noticed personally in relationship to the loneliness epidemic is that people want friends.... But they don't necessarily want to be a friend. They want people there to engage with them emotionally. Support them. Help them. They seem to yearn for the way. Relationships in the past were constructed and yet they do not want to be a friend and not it means that they have to be there for somebody else they have to not necessarily prioritize themselves. They need to go out of their way to cultivate their own part of the relationship. Everybody wants to be the garden. Nobody wants to be the gardener. Main character syndrome does not help this either.... The main character is the one that usually has the friends. You don't usually see the main character necessarily being a friend to somebody. Once all this stuff is figured out by people, I'm sure the situation will course correct. Once they see some people successfully having friendships and what's needed to facilitate that, they'll get on board. 🍀🍀🍀
Agreed!
I'll never understand people that think that doing a favor or supporting a friend is a chore or a hard thing to do. If you can't do it, then tell them and if you think it is such a big chore (depending on what it is), then maybe you don't like that person that much. It's really sad. I don't have and never did have many friends, but when I have a friend that I like a lot, I don't think that helping them is a chore. I actually enjoy it and I also know that person will help me in the future.
A small thing that I want to share that wasn't talked a lot about in this video: a lot of people romanticize the idea of community in small towns and villages, because they can't find a community in the city, but living in a small town can be also very lonely. I live right now in a small town and I know most people, but I always feel lonely. Most people have very different ideals than mine, even people my age. Most of them are homophobic, racist, xenophobic, and bigoted in general. Whenever I hear someone saying some bigoted thing, I feel so disconnected and lonely and correcting them in their bigotry makes no difference. Because of that I can't really show who I am and I can't build connections. I can't wait to move out.
Sometimes the small town is suffocating
I feel like this about small towns. It's hard to make in person friends where I live because everyone is so right wing. You can hang out with someone but it's not real intimacy if you have to ignore half of who they are as a person while hiding half of who you are as a person, and just moving out is not that possible for so many people.
I kinda agree. Doing favors in small towns is great because you don't waste time by transport and use that time to see your friend. As for loneliness, I agree cause my friends from my hometown didn't come back and I can't just go to a bar and expect people to interact with me. I will look like a lonely weirdo desperate for friends. You need to wt least bring one more peron to a bar where you know people.
As a person with multiple disabilities, being seen as an inconvenience and burden or charity case that should be grateful that people even acknowledge your existence is what I've gotten used to because I've experienced this pretty much my entire life, so I expect it, lowest rung of society, and all that. I'm shocked it's now happening to non-disabled people too. We've officially entered the age of late stage individualism and I think that's going to be the ultimate downfall of society.
I also agree with you on the small town thing cause I've experienced the same thing in them, and being in a small town actually makes alienation more toxic because you can easily be singled out as the pariah since everyone either knows each other, or is married to someone and also in small towns there's all this hegemony which is another way for you to be singled out if you're different or are marginalized in any way and have no connections
I'm a college student, and watching this over the last few days while moving into my dorm for the semester and going to the first week of classes has had me thinking a lot about how (at least in the US) part of the reason I enjoy being on campus is because of how easily I can connect with other people within my daily life. Compared to living in a more suburban area, it's so easy to run into people at the dining hall, meet someone new at a club or class, or even just wave to a friend on the way to class, all of which I find so much more rewarding than texting or calling. There are places around my campus, fully separate from any retail area or the library, where people will go to do work or spend time with others. Maybe the reason why so many adults in my life have encouraged me to really make the most of this time - not just because of the sheer quantity of people my age that I will never be around after college, but because there are plenty of third spaces to really connect with people.
An interesting addition to the conversation of third places-- museums and galleries have great potential as third places (though with many museums in the U.S. demanding high entrance fees, this becomes more difficult) and even town halls of sorts. Museums these days tend to include cafes selling coffee, wine, and snacks, which can make for a great destination. Groups of friends can be prompted to have new experiences in the galleries and exhibitions, which can lead to many interesting conversations. When a museum is willing to take a risk in their exhibitions, this can encourage deep discussions around important topics, build community, and strengthen friendships. I really think museums and galleries are a really good example of what a third place can be.
I've always treated zoos and museums as something of a third space, I think that's why I like them so much. Okay, yeah, the entrance fees can be significant, but you get a membership and it pays for itself real good. I'm increasingly looking into dual and family membership options because they allow you to bring other people in. In addition to the things you list, zoos and museums are places where you can just exist. Most of them have many places you can sit. Lots to observe.
Many local libraries offer passes or discounts to museums and galleries!! (But also this is why I love living in DC lol, all the Smithsonians are free)
I thought about the third place issue a lot in my late teens. Even within a third place there often isn’t space for teens within the place. You go to a Fourth of July festival in your local town and see the kids hanging out by the rides, the adults hanging out in the beer tent, but where do you go when you’re like 17 and don’t belong in either of those spaces?? I always felt so uncomfortable just existing at events like that.
but at least you pass 'thru' that phase to adulthood. Once you're an adult you are stuck.
I had this issue and fell into a HUGE depression bc of this and other factors. Felt too 'grown' for the 'kids' & it didnt help my mom was a full blown NARC and made me feel even worst yet at the same time infantilizing me, so I felt too young for things teens my age were doing (smoking...drinking...No thanks) yet to "adult' to do the things i actually wanted to do/like & still love til this day (video games, reading, cartoons, kpop etc) theres no in between or 'space' for the teen girls & guys who arent down with the low vibrational side of life to just.......exist. This is why im grateful for the internet bc we get to meet so many people who've experienced similar
you can still go to the festival at 17??? what exactly do you need - some separate event just for 17 yos? I remember going to town festivals as a kid and all ages would attend no problem!
All this also contributes to the current dating scene, cus it’s so much easier to just rely on one single person for all your social needs these days. It’s easier to make “appointments” with one person, live with one person, etc. People are seeking partners to replace community
As someone who isn’t interested in dating it really sucks cus romance is so extremely prioritized by everybody. You can’t even try to get close to ppl without smth non-platonic being suggested :/ Everyone is so lonely, but nobody wants to be friends
I'm married and I'm concern I'm slipping into that category especially since moving away from my circle of friends and feeling so alienated in a new country
Hmm, an interesting thought... but then; I always thought “one person isn't enough“. I can't imagine having all my social needs continuously met by only one person... like; how and when did we start to expect from our partners to be our best friend, admirer, lover, caregiver, biggest fan, the parent of our child and best teammate? Thats' just insane to me...
All that pressure eventually takes a toll on the relationship, I believe, since it's very difficult to always be constantly on the same wavelength. Also, it fosters co-dependency, because who else will you hang out with if you only got a significant other? It just seems very unhealthy for a number of reasons.
Definitely feeling this... I wasn't even interested in having a romantic partner, until one by one all my friends basically retreated into their "nuclear couple" shell, leaving me with a choice between being completely alone or getting into a relationship I don't necessarily want. It freaking sucks, like replacing my community with a partner is not what I want, but it's the only choice I was left with...
That Uber comment is insane to me. Maybe it's because I'm an elder Millennial who lived a portion of my life without social media, but if I have the time and capacity, I will absolutely do favors for people! Whether that is giving you a ride, mailing or dropping off a care package, or cooking food for you if you just had a baby or are sick. My friends do this for me, too. I'm fortunate to have local friends my age that share these values with me. Of course, it's important to be considerate of people's time. (If I'm leaving the airport at midnight, I will probably be calling an Uber instead of a friend), but the stinginess has gotten weird.
Yes. And unfortunately a lot of ppl these days seem to want to take. It's becoming rare to find ppl who engage in both the give & take required to maintain healthy relations.
It’s such a wonderful way to CONNECT
i'm a millenial (end 93) and the one thing i'll always be grateful for is that i learned to communicate beyond social media... we would call each other to hang out, pick each other up and give and get rides all the time.. i notice people 4 years younger, would rather end a friendship than initiate a call when there's a misunderstanding. the communication skills just aren't there
I had 2 "friends" - both exactly 4 years younger (I'm end '90), whom I met in 2021 separately - just ghosted me for no reason. Like what Mina said, there was no buildup to the ghosting, they just one-sidedly ended the friendship after one/two years. Although it may have to do with the fact that they aren't very sociable in the first place, I still wish they'd at least told me if I offended them in some way
@@chuiqi99 sometimes the "why" doesn't matter. The fact that they did it is enough. Not wishing harm on anyone, we all deserve better in our friendships than people who are absent, people who play games and refuse to communicate.
That makes me so sad :(
You had to call and say you were leaving now. Between home and the mall, you didn't know where anyone was.
@@cyberspace7208 it's called trust and accountability.. Back when people were not just shells browsing social media all day
It’s funny because Stanley cups are insulated, so you could totally take it to drink ice cold water with your friends in a public park. But instead we take them from room to room in our homes to sit on our computers and look at memes all day.
Parks are not super ubiquitous in the United States, many of them require you get in a priviate car to reach them, and many of them don't have public seating. You can't just have a spontaneous park visit in most of the United States. Our land use policies make us isolated. If we had better land use policies, connecting more with people in our city and neighborhood would be easier.
They tend not to fit in backpacks
@LoveToday8 -- Yep. Not always a bus route to get to not-any-nearby parks (which may not be in safe areas, anyway) and nowhere to sit if you get there (don't like sitting on wet ground where dogs and birds have done their business) and you may get told off for "loitering". It's hard to "just go outside" and "join in the community" when there's nowhere in your community to commune, as it were.
@@iprobablyforgotsomethingthat is so sad 😭.
i see what you mean, the only place i see people with stanley cups is at their place of work...
this was a BANGER, mina.
i can’t recommend The Happiness Lab podcast enough for learning to decrease loneliness; they did an episode on studies showing that chatting with strangers in public increases happiness for EVERYONE, EVEN INTROVERTS.
that shook me!!!! i’m an introvert but i still get lonely as hell lol and i always think i’m gonna hate a stranger chat (or that they will) but it actually does wonders for everyone’s wellbeing.
here’s to being better friends and community members in 2024
This is soooo true! I'm the type of person who will strike up a conversation in a long line to make time go by and started to feel it was weird to do so been doing it less later. BUT reading this I'm going to start again!
And thanks for the podcast recommendation!
Who is the host? I found 2 different ones.
Gen Z don’t like to chat with strangers or small talks lol.
@@lilithrealmI'm gen z and I love the occasional chat with a friendly stranger! It's usually nice but I have also had some pretty bad experiences with it too. Not all strangers are kind strangers and trusting your gut is very important.
@@MieyaOladipupo dr laurie santos!
Deleting all my social media accounts has ironically been the best thing that ever happened to my social life. Now I just call my friends to catch up or straight up invite them over for coffee and pastries.
I’m a long time watcher from Budapest, Hungary (central europe) and it honestly shocks me how different life is in the US. Here the normal way of living is like in Friends. Lots of third places, from spring to autumn everyone is outside of their homes and it’s pretty common that you have a ‘main’ place where you go after work to meet with your pals. My heart goes out to you guys, truly, I hope things will change in the US.
Us sucks
This is so sad... I will always take my friends to the airport. I will always watch their pets or pick things up for them or volunteer as the designated driver for a night of drinking. They help me out when I need help, and they have often covered dinner or coffee or snacks. I love that we never expect our expressions of friendship to be transactional. It's sad to hear that there are people who aren't able to experience this kind of mutual support and kindness.
Everything with friends has become so timed and transactional. People are becoming friends only with those matching their aesthetic. No one wants to assist anyone else and only do things for self-preservation. How do we go from this?
That may have started, getting kids into summer camps, etc...around the 90s..
Freedom of association is a good thing though.
I find people will choose their friends based on their aspirations to climb the social ladder. Back around 2000, I was an adult, and was informed by 2 of my friends (they were unaware of each other. Different circle) that they were busy trying to build their careers so they were dumping any friends that would not further their social standing. In both cases, I was dumped. Ironically, 2 years later one was diagnosed with cancer and died within months. I wonder if she regretted her priorities?
I agree with this a lot, also, all human interaction is transaction these days. I almost thought "this person (@alexagolda8041) could be a cool friend" but then I saw that you sub to pewdiepie and I have been shown content regarding their bigoted nature that totally turned me off. This non-space sure is terrible... 😢 And Mina doesn't have an answer for a solution!?!? noooo! i must conssummme more content and wait for the truth to be revealed!!!!
We don't. There's too many of those who think this way. The rest of us will be extinct basically
You have inspired me Mina! One of my biggest New Years resolutions this year was to be more active in my social life and part of that is truly being present. I want to be more “human” with my friendships and I agree with putting as much energy into them as a romantic relationship! Another thing is I always think of things to do for ppl randomly and never end up doing it but I want to act on that more!