HOW TO SURVIVE a narcissistic discard
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- Опубликовано: 20 сен 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Discarding you is the only good thing a narcissist will do to you. It is truly a blessing in disguise.
Just hours again out of a hoover. It is getting the strength to go forward and not look back. I am finally seeing he never loved me and that is hard to stomach. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when it comes around. But I guess they don't care and have no feelings or remorse.
Amen
Easier said than done. I try to convince myself of this, but it's hard. 😢
This is such an incredible hour of wisdom, insight, and teaching about narcissism thank you so much for being a resource for healing for so many of us ❤🙏🏼
My narcissistic twin sister discarded me after I finally stood up for myself after 37 years of abuse and allowing it to happen. I constantly felt anxiety around her because I didn’t know what else she would throw at me. Not only did she throw me away but she threw my family and her niece and nephew away. It’s been a year since she discarded me and while it still hurts I know it’s been the most peaceful year and in time I won’t think about her anymore.
We keep wasting time trying to please unpleasable people which takes toll on our body and mind
It's exhausting
Thiiiiiis
I keep telling the enablers, Narc will never be pleased, it's like a bottomless pit.
So true😢
As social animals it's hard for us to suddenly have a connection chopped off. It's like losing a limb. Luckily we can likewise learn to navigate life without them, and maybe someday regrow what we lost.
It's also deliberately navigating the Extreme Sociopathic Passive Agression.
I love that Dr. Romani can present these concepts with such strength and discernment.
Just let them go. Don't apologize, don't explain, don't justify, don't ask for a reason, don't cry, don't beg. Just let go.
I do want to text him and ask him a few questions like why? Wasn’t I pretty enough , he’s now with another girl at our job, but I don’t text him I just leave him alone.
@carmenr9251 I hear you I'm a man she's done the same to me ..its so painful
Very painful!
I wish I would’ve done this. Made a complete fool of myself last week. He discarded me after he went on a secret trip with his “cousins” aka another woman since he didn’t respond to any of my calls or text the entire time he was gone. SMH. So hard not to question myself. I begged him to travel with me for two years and there was always an excuse but he never had any when his friends invited him.
That is pitiful. I questioned the demon I briefly was talking to why he never responded back to my texts and of course he would give long explanations, just stringing me along that’s hurtful knowing he’s giving all his attention to the new girlfriend.
I was discarded after 23 years, its the worst feeling in the world. If you are in a narcissistic relationship don't live on hope- leave as soon as you can. Focusing on my beautiful children that deserved better.
Mine discarded me after 6 years I know 25 is a long time compared to 6 but 6 is still a long time. How do they just up and kick to the curb after so long? I mean I never saw it coming! I knew there were problems in the relationship but never knew it was like that. I was floored
I am in the discard phase after 36 years. It is a horrible experience.
@@denisekoenig9479I did my see it coming either, especially after 23 years. I came home one day and all his stuff was gone , I fell to my feet. Never expected l it. It’s been three years and still healing , this channel has helped my understand things better. I wish you the best. I know we can get through this.
@@ayla4844it’s horrific. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I do believe you will get through this, the fact that we found this channel is a sign that we are on the road to healing. Best wishes to you.
You're right.
Before you ask why the narcissist hates you. Ask yourself why you even care, after what they put you through.
Come on, don't victim shame.
That's the type of sh*t that "insert random unempathetic blank friend's name" says to you to dismiss your pain when they're inviting you out to go get drinks with them last minute because their original plans fell through with their other friebds and think you're a vibe killer ruining THEIR night because you can't get over YOUR abusive ex enough to be their plus one at the local dive bar so THEY can go hit on other people and not look desperate since they came with you and then they just leave you to sulk at the bar by yourself because you're being "No fun".
I think (hope) youngblood8540 means this as a way of taking back your power..... ♡
@@PassionateFlower I'm not victim shaming. This Is what you call, rational thinking! I have to remind myself everyday, about all the bad things she did to me. So I don't get pulled back in, if she comes knocking on my door or calls me. When I start thinking about the good things or the good times, it keeps me from healing. The (REAL) bad times out weighed the (FAKE) good times.
@@Debra-zy5vg 👍
What’s crazy is .. when they can’t have you .. they want you back.
The day I settled my divorce after a 12 hour mediation and years of being devalued and invalidated- this humanoid sent me a text about how much he loved me. Absolutely disgusting.
Omg your RUclips handle name and your comment is giving me chills please for the love of God stay alive and stay safe I'm worried for your safety I hope that as terrible as he is of a person that it doesn't...go there. Please be vigilant and careful and just do what you can to stay safe sending you prayers of protection🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
My ex-narc phoned me up this summer to tell me he finally realized he wanted the big future with me: marriage, a house, dogs…
Then I found out about his new girlfriend.
I’ve realized, in their mind, the “relationship” doesn’t end after the discard. He’s like a vulture coming back to pick on the carcass because he’s hungry, before moving on to the next. Gross. I finally got up the strength to BLOCK. Hopefully I won’t backslide again out of loneliness. 🙁
@@juliekswanson definitely don’t backslide. They only want you back to finish destroying you and that is a fact.
@@juliekswansonno disrespect because I don’t know your situation but how lonely do you have to be to become a doormat?
@@Ifanythingeverhappenstome absolute truth
If you ever feel sad about ending the relationship or leaving them, just ask yourself, " What was I holding onto?" Disrespect, devaluing, lies and emotional abusive. Then what did you actually lost? Nothing. However, you have gained yourself back oncr you discard them.
I’m learning a lot about the narcissist but surprisingly a lot more about myself. 7 weeks no contact and feeling more peaceful than I have in soooo long. Hugs everyone ❤️
Remember to buy yourself those flowers 💐 drink water and get aerobic exercise, putting oxygen into ALL cells in your body. This $hitshow will leave your breathing shallow causing anxiety. Been 5 almost 6 years for me and I couldn’t be happier taking one day at a time with mindfulness. 💕
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Thank you 🙏 I will ❤️
Good work ❤ put yourself first always
It’s been 4 weeks for me and I hope it stays that way.
2 years for me and I am feeling like myself again, never thought it would happen@@aliciamr14
It's better to leave, than waiting to be replaced. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
Either way, it’s a win.
There's no dignity in discard. Being scammed is not a win. These are con artists. You already lost the whole entire game the moment you met them. That's the point. It's a con set up to eff you over from the very first interaction. So no. It is not a "win" to "leave" a narcissist or get discarded because either way, by that point, they already ran their hustle on you and played you for a damn fool.
That's what none of us really can ever get over. How did I or how could the UNIVERSE let THIS person of ALL people pull a fast one over on ME? I mean sure I know bad stuff happens to good people but how could it happen to me in particular? I thought I was too smart or too fill in the blank for THIS to ever happen to SOMEONE LIKE ME. We ALL start out believing we are the one exception to the "life is unfair" concept. Well sure it's unfair to SOME folks, but surely the universe wouldn't conspire to let bad things happen to MEEEEEE.
And guess what? That's our own egos talking. It's the NARCISSISTIC PARTS or TRAITS IN US that just💥👏can't💥👏let it💥👏go💥👏.
😃
Your comment made me smile 😊
YES
I was discarded after 20 years of marriage, actually I think he discarded me way before that. It’s the worst feeling ever to realize that they never loved you, and you put so much time, energy, and love into them. It’s truely heart wrenching, there are just no words for that kind of pain. I’m sending lots of love and healing to all that have been in narc relationships/marriage, or still in. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. We’ve been apart for two and a half years I’m still healing. ❤
Wow… time heals all wounds
Hopefully we can pray and gain control of our feelings again
Grace and Mercy ❤to you I’m starting my journey of separation and divorce from my 9 years of marriage
I’m sorry you are going through this. My husband just discarded me after 30 years of marriage. Everything you said here truly resonates with me. ❤
My narc husband revealed himself after 30 years of caring for him and devoted. I was devalued at any surprise moment. Communication was nonexistent and 0I was neglected and ignored often giving me the silent treatment. Of course there was the gaslighting and now I am struggling to free myself from the trauma bond
I was discarded after 37 years…how can you just throw someone away like that after all those years? I obviously was never important to him…I was just his constant sex supply, that’s it🤷🏻♀️
True. The narcissist's childhood trauma can not be used to justify the abuse they caused.
Amen, let me tell u I had a crappy child hood. Both my mother and father were mentally abusive. I am nothing like that. I listen to my children, but have picked relationships with bad people, it's true to learn all the info you can about toxic people. Theses people have hated me setting boundaries. It's their choice to be narcissistic, not an illness!!!!
Discard....
Is really a blessing. Escape and live your life.......
i remember my body reacting the worst possible way: i stopped eating. i just couldn’t. and i had no idea why. i lost almost 10 kilograms while being with him. i never had anxiety but it started when he started degrading me. until finally he discarded me and i realized that all my problems: anxiety, eating problems, sleeping issues were because of him. cause as soon as we broke up i started feeling the world again and started to… live again. him leaving is the best thing ever.
Was the break up hard anyways or easy?
I lost over 30 pounds this past year. Been to several specialist…can’t find anything wrong. Mind you, I originally only weighed 140. I’ve never felt so insecure in my life. Going through the discard now and it’s so so so hard not to question everything about myself. I feel so unattractive in every way.
I’m going thought it right now , got discarded for a women he met 1 month ago that I’m sure he all ready knew from one of he’s previous jobs and cheated on me with bf and met again on fb I put the puzzles together, I lost 10 lbs all ready have anxiety and can’t sleep good , he brings her and her kids food but don’t worry about our kids
When a narcissist “takes hold in your life”, they are only “taking hold” in order to crush you into a small enough size so they can pitch you into the trash can.
OMG yes that is exactly it🎯 💯 💔
Exactly 💯
Sad but SO true
Yes!
Narcissists discard their partners because they can't face their own negative part. They project it on their partners instead. In order to be a better person, they need to eliminate their negative parts, aka their partners. After doing so, they feel empty inside. That's why they find another supply to complete them "temporarily."
The whole process does not involve love. It's all about their broken self and ego.
❤
Very well said
Trying to discard their abuser.
It's a test of endurance but it soon dissipates where the narcissistic relationship eventually makes one sick physically as well as mentally.
When you become a shell of who you were and can't even pretend to care.
Very early on in my "relationship" we went out for drinks with her friends. While talking, her friend said (praising me) he's a keeper. She replied, "for now" (Supply). It wasn't till later on in the relationship when her narcissism became more overt i remembered that night and what she said. The signs where there, i just didn't know until it was to late. I've moved on now, and i'm doing well.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
When someone tells who they are, double down in your belief.
Yes to those last two statements!!! Believe them!!!!
@65cavern...Reading your story really hit home. While not exactly like your situation, it was very similar, and my reflection was very similar to yours. I dismissed it as a one-off snarky comment. Unfortunately, I went on to dismiss numerous other red flags. 26yrs later, I became educated on what was taking place. I am aggressively working on my retainer fee now.
Being discarded is insane, you continue thinking why you still want that fucked up relationship, I still dream with her screaming with me, still hear her humiliating me, and then I think that I want talk to her, and the circle come back. Start to hate myself for wanting her, hate myself for not being able to be who she wanted, hate myself for still being sad for her
Sounds like you need to start LOVING yourself. Self compassion and a new appreciation that you got away from someone so TOXIC. I’m praying for you so that you see your true VALUE.
I'm there right now. 3 months in now, getting a little better everyday
I am in that state too. She really set me up for a big fall. Being sweet and caring the last few weeks prior to discard. Even letting me help her fix up her new house with her parents. Telling me she bought a house with a bath especially for me. And that she thought about me everyday. When you then 3 days later see an emotionless hurtful person who dumps you with very cruel app messages it is the worst feeling ever. Unhuman. Painful. I feel for you all who experienced this. I hate the fact I keep thinking about it and her. Even though she doesnt deserve that. And I also blamed myself. If i had done this… or that.. could i have prevented it?
I was discarded 27 years of marriage and another 8 years of dating total 35 years. Realizing now that I was discarded many times throughout the relationship. Just realizing he is a narcissist. It has been 3 months since the discard still having a very emotional hard time. Just found Dr Ramani I have learned a lot. Prayers for everyone.
It's been a cycle of love bombing and discard for 6 years. Until recently, it got worse. He went from verbal abuse to physical abuse. He belittled me and said he can do better. Then left and blocked me on everything. I am trying to heal.. but sometime I find myself still missing him even though I know it's trauma bond. Praying for everyone going through the same thing. Praying we find the strength to get through. We are worthy of love, kindness, and respect.
Give yourself LOTS of time to heal! Learn to live alone, so you won't fall into that ditch again! (It's a hard habit to break! We all want love n companionship, but we have to teach ourselves, not to rely on others). ❤❤❤❤
Hurts a lot :(
Remember a lot of that pain is not yours to carry. My heart goes out to you and what you've experienced. Keep shining 🌟 :).
Went through the same, it took me years after being discarded, I was a broken person. but it is getting better now. I even have hope I will meet someone nice this year and fall in love again, hopefully. never give up hope! Don’t stop believing (yes this song actually helped me, too).
Oh I relate! But I realized I was missing who I thought they were more than who they really were.
There is no use reasoning with a true narcissist. Asking why is just giving them another chance to hurt you.
I asked why and was attacked pretty brutally. (Just verbally.) I don’t need to know why anymore.
As a child who was emotionally and physically abused, my narcissistic boyfriend made me feel seen, loved, and appreciated. He even convinced me he was helping me be a better person, I was so grateful. Now I focus on my relationship with myself. I’m healing slowly and know I will come out on top. I find myself forgiving myself over and over again. Nobody is going to rescue me, and I will finally be my own advocate ♥️ Sending love to you all, you are not alone!
You got this❣️
Be your own best advocate. It's empowering. Being rescued means being at their mercy.
❤
Relatable. Congratulations.
Thanks so much for sharing! I am going to practice more self compassion starting right now ❤
He loved me, then he hated me. All i wanted was that love back. I've been chasing that love for 20 years. Now im a shadow of my self, and hes still unsatisfied. Its really a No Win for both of us. Sad.
19 years here. Now I'm in such a stuck place, I feel like all I can do is ride the waves of the cycle.
Dr. Romani...I believe there are 5 stages in the NPD cycle. Love Bomb, Devalue, Replacement, Discard and Hoover, at least in a romantic relationship. They cannot be alone and need your Replacement BEFORE they discard you.
Exactly
Fair point. Narcissists are the reason I learned to never be irreplaceable. 😂
Well said 👏 👌 👍
So true, this is why if you can….. let them go
yes! I was cheated on and he pretended to want to reconcile until she moved into an apartment and then I was discarded and he moved in with her and her 15year old. We have 2 children 15 year old boy and a 10 year old special needs child. je abuses his son by why not his daughter? Does he get supply from her because she loves him?
He was a Neglectful narc; no love bombing ever. After 9 years he now has a new supply ( he was working on her for months behind my back.) And " she has everything you don't" " She pays for things and has her own house"
His preoccupation with money & material things makes me understand why he went back to this Ex from 20 years ago -- they're both divorced, both lonely.
I just laughed at him and said
" She won't solve your problems, she's not going to turn you into a human being. Wait until she sees the REAL you, the one that rages and talks with his fists."
Oh, that's right, I MADE him do that because I made him angry. He's not responsible for any of his actions. 🙄🙄🙄
Girl you’re blessed. He mentioned what she does for him, but nothing about what he adds to her. 🥱 he’s her new burden and you’re Scott free
It's always our fault. Even if they admit fault for a moment, it's just bait to lure us back in. They have no problem saying g the opposite tomorrow or even the next breath.
My ex says the exact same shit. 😂😂 she’s got this she’s got that bla bla bla. All about money, but you’re right there literally not even human beings. I love your replies 😂
The last part though. Always our fault and never their responsibility.
Keep yourself safe; be loving towards yourself. I wish you all a happy life without cruel people.
Amen, you too🤜🤛
My son was in a (what he thought ) loving marriage - including 2 children . In the blink of an eye, he was separated and divorced, and his ex moved on to her next husband - all in a matter of 7 months. Suffice to say he was in a state of shock for a long time before he realised what had happened. Those creatures move along at breakneck speed while leaving a lot of bodies behind😢😢
Really hard to wrap your head around
@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 I was the only one who knew exactly what she was but couldn't tell anyone ...they wouldn't have believed me🤷 🥴
@@vaschristou4027THAT is the hardest part 🫣. Good news: I’m watching it play out with a good friend from 40 years ago who thought she lost her daughter to the bs. It’s all coming around to truth and I couldn’t be happier. Patience is really a virtue with karma
My ex wife was married to new man 31 days after our divorce. The new man moved into the house I built. You have to wait 30 days after a divorce in Illinois to get married again. I fell for all her BS. Nobody warned me of how a narcissist operates. How could something that important just be ignored in our education system? If she complains about a pre nup, you know what your getting early on.
@georgesontag2192 Its true, no one prepares you for potentially encountering that kind of creature growing up. I have always felt that the subject of narcissism should be taught in schools. How to recognise and avoid those types of personalities. It would help prevent a lot of heartache later in life😮💨😪
I felt the discard coming months ahead…when he eventually committed to finishing the relationship my response was ‘thank heavens you finally worked up the courage to say it’ he was completely crestfallen and shocked. Glad I had the foresight to steel myself and show no emotion. I Walked out said bye now….7 years no contact and could not be happier.
Lucky you , it hurts while he’s having a good ole time with his new women. I hate him now
My ex liked to threaten to leave me because he knew I have abandonment trauma. The last time he threatened I told him, "I agree."
When he didn't move out when he said he would, I asked him when he was leaving. He told me his "plans" (which he never had) fell though, I told him it wasn't my problem and gave him a date to be out by.
He tried Hoovering again by saying, "I want to go to therapy with you now" (he was absolutely REPULSED when I told him I scheduled couples therapy and said he would ABSOLUTELY NOT be going) and then said, "I only moved out because you asked me to. I wanted to stay and work on things."
I stood in the truth and told him that wasn't what happened. I gave him the option to work on things and he said no, his mind was made up. I just held him accountable to that.
Yup. Married 8 yrs. He moved in w her 2 mo later. 6 mo after that shes expecting. He replaced our family with another in a matter of months.
New look (mustache, weight loss) new girlfriend, new apt, new baby - new life in a matter of a few months. And how they post they're happiness on facebook and insta. Meanwhile our 8 yr old doesnt know how to feel about his dad 😢
It will fall apart in no time. He’s changing his outside to attract new supply but she’s getting the same man you got. Wait and watch.
I'm sorry for your child. Don't look back. Move forward while he is distracted. I wish I had done while my children were small and he was chasing someone else... That new supply is a 🎁, and you don't know how long it will last. He'll likely be back, be ready to resist the hoover. He'll use the 8 year old. Be ready to resist. You're capable, even if you don't feel like it.
I'm sorry for your family. This is difficult, unfair. Remember God's promise that beauty will arise out of ashes !
Omg this is horrible. I am very sorry for you. Can you plz update us how are you?
Same thing happened to me...he abandoned our family for someone 30 years younger
You have described my life completely. I am divorced for 5 years after a 34 year marriage. Your help is so appreciated - It has gotten me through. I am still not healed but I am trying not to look back.
I have been divorced now for 7 years from a 27 yr marriage to a narcissist. Hang in there. It gets easier and easier. ❤
If your discarded by a narcissist your lucky. Trust me you don’t want the obsessive ones that won’t leave you alone and harass you. It’s a nightmare trying to get out of these situations.
Thank you. Going through this now. Horrible horrible place to be in. I left, I don't want him back, ever! 13 years of lies and back and forth for 17 years!
Good luck ❤ go no contact plz if you haven’t already because they almost always will try again
Yes ma'am.
You are a healer. I need to listen to you daily in my healing process and I am instantly calm. Thank you so much
I know you're not looking for the kudos Dr Ramani. Kudos to you for making a difference.
Ditto... 10 days into no contact. She gives me hope.
I do agree! I love following her DAILY
Agreed! ❤
I was watching this other person videos about Narcissism and honestly she made me even more anxious, with her voice, the way she spoke, even the subject was naff... I had to come here listen to DR Ramani to calm me down xD
Pedestal mystery solved! I had wondered what the underlying motive was, other than ingratiating themselves. Should have realized it bends back to feeding the narc's ego.
I got discarded by my narcissistic ex after 10 years because he fell in love with someone else. The apology I got was he was sorry for not breaking up with me years ago but it was my fault for staying when he was mistreating me. I see how he is treating the new girl and it is crazy to me to see the similar pattern of love bombing and how she has totally bought into his narrative of our break up and spending days with her showering her with love, thinking she must be the one for him.
The most important thing is you recognize all of it! This will help you get back to sanity faster. He didn’t really fall in love with someone else. He simply found better supply. Narcissists don’t love anyone.
Take comfort🩷Her golden days in the sun with his light shining on her are numbered. She will live with the constant threat of devaluation and abandonment if she ever "acts up".
Think about all the beautiful successful high profile celebrity couples who are getting ugly divorces right now. There's no amount of fame, success, intelligence, attractiveness, loyalty, passion for life, etc. to stop a narcissist from narcissisting.
Whoa, that’s an interesting discard line. These people are something else! My discard came after 42 years and I had to laugh at him it was so ridiculous. He sounded like someone in middle school.
Laughing didn’t help the hurt but at least I stayed one step ahead of him through the devaluation and discard.
Stupid man and looking back how he cha get the course of my life.
God is going to need to sort it out
For now I’m rebuilding my life and plan to cherish every new experience I have with the time I have left. I’m finding there are more good days than bad and I’m enjoying laughing with new friends
they don't love nobody....he found new supply
I don't understand how a person can stop loving another person. Me, I love the people in my life forever. If anything, I only love them more with time. So I really don't understand how someone can stop loving someone else.
Agreed
Such a horrible experience, but the truth is they've already discarded you in their mind, when they start devaluing you, their mind is so twisted and distorted, it's near impossible to make sense of
They rarely even have to tell lies because people, as a rule, will quickly rush to support a narcissist who has left or been released to the world.
This. This is the part I have so much trouble talking with therapists who don't understand this dynamic who nonetheless harangue us to "get support!!1". I feel like they don't really have a sense of the extent to which narcissists are coddled and enabled in this culture ... at the same time I don't know how they DON'T know, since they're supposed to be the professionals ... 😕
And people rushed to help to my ex, and they rushed to help my mom, and they bragged about it in fronte about it.. And I heard about narcissism nothing then...
A decade completely detached from narcissist abuser, he still lists my accomplishments and the colleges I attended, as his own, on his social media bio.
Grandiosity at its finest.
Wow
Wait, so he didn't go there himself?! That's really delusional. Or sociopath who has stolen your identity.
@@LoveBeliefTruth nope. He just uses my accomplishments as his own.
My ex narc stole all my accomplishments too. It's crazy.
@@jeffsutherland141 wow! There's solise in shared experience. Especially when it's so bizarre, one can't almost believe it.
So true. If you treat them like a celebrity they treat you like a fan. Run
I was discarded after 30 years of marriage & horrible abuse. After one year he started beating me, drinking to the point of alcoholism,, and completely controlling me in every way. Ran off with an alcoholic girlfriend he met on the internet. Didn’t even want to pay child support. I’ve been no contact for thirteen years and my ex has turned our daughter against me even though he ignored her when she was growing up. A truly evil person who is miserable.
My ex fiancé also drank to the point of alcoholism, very scary times. 5 months no contact and it’s hard but I’m finally free 🎉
I've just been discarded by my wife thank you for all of your videos it is really helping me to cope with the pain and shame
You don't have anything to be ashamed of, that's projection! Soon you will appreciate being set free, good luck..
They book by bruce fisher rebuilding after your relationship end - I find very helpful.
Good luck on your healing journey
In my opinion, the narcissist puts us on a pedestal in hopes we return the favor. Then they remove us from their pedestal without warning while staying on our pedestals, creating this unequal dynamic in the relationship. It's the unconscious strategy of love bombing.
The hardest lesson was learning to walk away and not look back. Thank you Dr Ramani. I wish I had known what to do 50 years ago. I would have set firm boundaries for certain people. Family, friends, bosses and ex partners. Only through much heartache and wanting the pain to stop, did I learn to stick to my boundaries. I learnt to love myself despite being told I was never good enough.
Love bombing is what got me. He had nothing, lived with family, two young sons. I had a home, teenagers, vehicles, a great job, friends, freedom. I came to realize a few months after I moved him in, I was just a stepping stone for him. Someone to support and take care of him and raise his young boys. Day after day, night after night video gaming some days 10+ hours straight… social media omg. Disregarding me, his sons, our blended family. And this is just a tiny part of everything I lived thru… im healing and working on myself now. I wish I found these videos earlier I would have ended it a long time ago.
Please just thank your lucky stars and don't go back. 🎉
"What does she have that I don't have?" IGNORANCE she has ignorance......
@l.5832 I'm on your side sister
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
My family discarded me. Then I got discharged by my ex-husband. However, it was a blessing to be rejected. I was able to achieve my goals. It's lonely but God will send replacements in time.
Great video. This is particularly toxic in a work environment. People in power will turn a blind eye to the injustices that are occurring within the workplace in order for them to stay in power.
Ya that's why I quit my company and work as an independent contractor now. I cannot deal with office politics psychological warfare.
No kidding❤❤❤ I could talk forever about narcissistic abuse in the workplace.
I see you’ve met my boss
Maybe they enjoy the toxicity they have dispensed. Similar to a cat playing with a mouse until they are done wih it
I would have never left if he didn’t discard Me. So he actually, unintentionally, did me a favor.
As far as being put on a pedestal, I was the “man of his dreams”, etc. I knew I could never live up to that and I told him as much.
I’m still in pain and I miss him like crazy, but I understand that the relationship was doomed.
I’m anxiously waiting for the day that I no longer love him.
Married 45 yrs to a narc, I never understood why "He picked me " and put me on such a high pedestal, because he needed me to be special to fit into his idea of his special life. Still working on moving beyond and around his narcissism. It is hard to walk away...
Hard to walk away bc of financial issues, for me. Been there for decades…
Married 43 years, together 45. Divorce was finalized this month. It is the epitome of crazy making. The scars are deep.
Married 45, 47 together. Married at 17 so I have been "his " since I was a child. Can I asked how did you leave? I have been on a healing journey behind his back for two yrs and feel no love at all for him.
@rosebouldrey1915 it's a long story. I have been in therapy for 7 1/2 years and finally had the strength to let him go. Whenever there was something going on in my life, and he wasn't the major focus he would blow up, take off and disappear for a few days. I usually begged and apologized for everything "I did wrong". This time I let him go and filed for divorce a week and a half after he left. He's all about appearances so he was committed to staying away. Typical discard? It's a struggle everyday but I feel calmer already...if that makes sense.
Thank you for sharing... Dito to everything you are saying.@@Just_me340
Sometimes it's not gaslighting, it's stonewalling. Then they all of sudden come around with some decision or action that goes against everything you've expressed that you value. True devastation.
My first serious boyfriend discarded me for another girl who he later married. His relationship with her was very public and left me feeling humiliatedand and a laughingstock at the church we both attended. However their marriage didn't last a year. Later he tried to hoover me back into the relationship, but this time I was aware of hs games even though I didn't understand the nature of narcissistic relationships. Fortunately I avoided going back to him.
"You can't change their history"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 👍❤❤❤👍
Yes totally right! I am not sure when exactly for me the lovebombing ended and transformed in bitter contempt. It slipped in gradually. But when it became contempt, I couldn't get out the relation so easy anymore..
Same. It creeped in subtley, little sneer here, little jab there. And in a relatively short time my once loving soul mate treated me like trash stuck to his shoe. I regret not leaving as soon as I began questioning if the relationship could be saved. There was no saving it, my hope was naive. I hoped because the contempt wasn't all the time. That it was there at all signaled the death of my marriage.
The wonderful game of the narsisist to acomplish what they want, the pedestal. I leaned a lot with narsisistic people around me. Unfurtunally late i learned enough. Thanks for always sharing. Blessings and peace to everyone ✨🙏✨
And to you!❤❤🎉🎉
I also learned about it late
But finally I have a glimmer of hope, though I'm 63 years old
Finally it has meaning all that I went through, all peaces fall to right places, I finally have real explanation
And I have children that need me alive
@@matikramer9648Thank you for your replying. Blessings 🙏
@@rosemaryclarke2348 Thank you so much for your response. Blessings 🙏
They devalue themselves and when there is a supply they project that devaluation onto the supply to avoid hurt.
My mother put me briefly on the "your my best friend "pedestal while simultaneously destroying me behind my back to every relative I had. She pushed me off the pedestal when she was done with me due to her being found out by others. Nearly 3 yrs no contact. Will always hurt. When your were never wanted by your mother you never feel ok.
I was a young child when the narcissist took hold of me. It was my father. I, now remember, the mood swings and the triangulation between my mother and father and me. I was the middle man. Now, I’m reflecting back, and the damage to my psyche and my identity are severe. I hope with therapy and these videos, I can live in peace for the rest of my life.
I found another channel on NPD, ruclips.net/video/kyS5s3A-PGI/видео.htmlsi=vYPwRfm9FZlIvTiF
I wish I could get it through my head.. he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
I had to pause this video several times because of how much I connect to it. I started journaling as soon as I started thinking that my relationship was kind of toxic. He was on full silent treatment on me, out of nowhere devalued the heck out of me, and then played the victim card asking for a "break" - a break that felt like a sudden discard. Going through all of my internal process of dealing with this and remembering some situations in our relationship that didn't fit with his persona and a healthy relationship, makes me even more certain that the man I thought was the one is a narcissist, but plays the "good guy". So I encourage all of you to journal everything that you're feeling, what the whole situation makes you feel, so that you can go back and think "Wow, I actually don't deserve to go through this". May life be kind to us all from now on
I’m in the purgatory of Devaluation. My Husband has almost never given me a true kind compliment. It’s soooooo f ing nuts. It’s like he thinks he will vomit should anything nice come out of his mouth.
Same here. According to them : if you love too much/compliment someone too much it loses its meaning. And it's true that too many compliments are love bombing and fake/Sus.
But in their case it felt like saying something good about my character (not my skills tho) or appearance made them die a bit inside or cost them money. Well, to a certain point because when we first met I was "the only person who understood them", "it was them and me against the world" and other bs. When they didn't mind being kind of their more superficial relationships. It made me feel worthless and like I had to prove my worth. Because how can a person who claims to love you, act like this?
They never called me or saw me as a good person because according to them good people don't exist but they use that term with other people. They convinced me that love didn't exist but it's bs, love does exist, just because they can't feel it it doesn't mean no one can.
And of course you can't discuss anything because they view you as problematic and the thing feels forced if someone needs to force themselves to see the good in someone. So I understood that this person will never see me as a good or valuable person, I'm just a useful tool that can play at convenience so I'm in the process of getting them out of my head. Doing things for me without fear for once. I'm trying to connect to my emotional and sensitive world more, meeting other people, letting myself feel a lot with arts or sensing my guts (curiously people like when you care about them, they tended to lecture me when I emotionally felt their emotions), they think sweet movies or music are bs because they are a cynical creature that can't understand two emotions or complex emotional situations at the same time or even certain concepts and everything they "know" are what they parrot from others.
Currently going through the latest discard, and this is just SO SPOT ON. Dr. Ramani, you are a literal answer to my prayers. Thank you for the clarity and kindness you bring to these confusing, cruel situations.
Going through one myself . Hugs to you. ❤
I believe I'm going through it now as well. I'm scared for some reason
Yep me too
😮 Dr Ramani. I actually had this pedestal conversation with him in 2003 before we married. I remember so vividly. He was love bombing and complementing. Telling me how he admired my ability to do it all. I stopped him and told him I didn't want to be on his pedestal because I've been there before and it hurts when you get shook off. He acted hurt by my statement. Went into a speech about how he had never felt this way about anyone before. Fast forward 20 years. Oh the things I have seen. The fog I sat in. The lies told. The deceit. The manipulation. You shouldn't have to look behind a complement as a red flag. 😢 it's not just heart breaking as you realize it was likely all a lie. But also knowing that you will never be able to trust the same way again.
By the way, that "I admire the way you do it all" was replaced with "your so emmasculating"...
That last sentence... ⚖️
Instead of contempt, think instead of they hate you. Their grandosity fuels their ego. They see you as a prize that must be acquired to fulfill and heighten their ego. Once they see fault in you or common nuances of being human they must discard you as they nolonger see you as the prize, but an inconvenience as you do not meet their expectations. They feel you no longer benefit them and their ego and their unrealistic delusion of perfectionism. Their self is all about heightening their ego and grandosity. They devalue you when you no longer fit their picture of the prize...their perfectionism as they see you as perfect. They see themselves as the prize and perfect. You do not fit their unrealistic picture of the perfect woman/man so they discard. Your talents and you being you no longer benefit them as they see you as disposable like trash. An appliance that no longer works and must be thrown away.
A narcissistic sibling discarded me. The stress of it was so emotionally devastating that it effected me physically. My body felt like it had been hit by a truck for three days and I was an emotional wreck for months. I'm still dealing with the healing, but now I'm glad they did it because now I have a reason to not be in contact with them. I feel free.
Me, too. Hope we both heal
I get it ik how u feel
the exact same thing happened to me! i am still healing, but im grateful that the trash took itself out. we deserve genuine people and love
Oh yes, my sister does it but it a more "periodic"
New supply ??? I say “ tag your it”😊
I really don’t know who of what he’s doing now & I’m not on social media .
Social media was his new supply, actually did him in. Pathetic situation!
I’m out that’s all that matters
It all shows just how soulless they really are TY Dr R. You are my therapy between therapy to build the new me😊
I spent 1 year in a relationship with someone who did this to me. I never understood all the fun works like trama bond, breadcrumbing, hoovering, till my Google algorithms led me to you Dr. Ramani, thank you for helping me understand whats going on, I owe you my sanity. I'm still in the early stages of trying to figure out how to keep her family in my life and stay away from her as I've become very close to them, sadly this has damaged a 10 year friendship with her. She discarded my kids and I and made a whole new family in 4 days with someone else. Still healing and crying over her little boy who I miss all the time...thanks for everything Dr. I appreciate you.
Dr Ramani please talk about the thought process of a narcissist after you discard them first and what goes on in their head when they end up losing the game they've started
Good idea!!!! I pray she makes a video on this topic
They put u on a pedestal so they can yank it out from underneath you and laugh
Thank you so much for this. It’s going to shorten this incredibly painful process.
I’m 66. At 33 I felt lonelier with them than without them. Marital Therapy kept us together, she was a wonderful therapist and always left hope in me that…….he wanted to change, said so, even cried sometimes. Oh! That wonderful therapist did not know what his rages and discards were really about. He put me on a pedestal in therapy sessions, she thought it was love😮. I thought it was an opening for my husband to really share how he felt. HA! NO! He never changed, yet said so “that’s what I want”. Oh so many wasted years. Grateful today and get out ASAP. Hope doesn’t keep hurting! He did and does and I am free because I hold that line and am gone and keep mySelf gone to be free🤗Happier!
she wasn't a wonderful therapist
Thank you for making this; you answered a question for me that I could not get my ex to explain.
I was on a pedestal for a few minutes only. The narc said to me I met you at my local bar you are beautiful and so intelligent. A few weeks later he put down my intellectual achievements (because he was envious and had none). When I began to feel his frequent contempt and wanted to feel that he still liked me, I asked if he thought I was beautiful. He had been commenting on other women and I wanted to feel that my partner found me attractive still. He said to me there are many kinds of beauty. Bingo, off the pedestal and now heading into the trash. He stopped showing me attention and my only way way down. Which is exactly what happened.
Sooo during the first weeks of "love bombing" I asked my narcissist why she found me so appealing. To my surprise she couldn't come up with one real reason, except some general answers. It made me so uncomfortable that there was no real reason. It bothered me for a couple of days. However, the love bombing was so intense that I forgot that red flag for many years. I can now look back with open eyes and see the emptiness of that process. Glad I am out
heres a video on Lovebombing ruclips.net/video/kyS5s3A-PGI/видео.htmlsi=vYPwRfm9FZlIvTiF
Emptiness: we Narc survivors know both the pain of the emptiness and in final analysis the wisdom that comes out of it. Won't be fooled again💯🤍🙏
Exactly.....first and last time! The love bombing was over the top...senior here who never experienced this before nor did I know much about DA/narc stuff!
The love bombing is like being under a spell. Truly intoxicating. Puts you in a drunken bubble. My hope is that anyone who has been love bombed forgives themselves. Please work to let go of any shame. So many of us know too well how intense that crap is. I’ve been healing from a narcs behavior for a year and I recognize how sick his actions were but still crave the intense connection even knowing it was based on lies. It’s very tough to separate from that fantasy. It was magical. Felt so perfect. My dream come true. Intense.
I’m grieving it still.
Forgive yourself.
Live and learn. Hugs.
@@t1sg Thankyou for your succinct description of love bombing...exactly how I felt. You are very kind to offer your consoling words. You described how I felt exactly!!!!
Has anyone also noticed a pattern of the narcissist(s) in your life setting the stage for devaluation? Like getting angry or upset about things around the house, that have nothing to do with you, or getting frustrated about their job, before devaluing you? It could be about genuinely frustrating things, but after enough repetition, you notice how they scrape the bottom of the barrel in as-if excuses, and that they are equally genuinely frustrated during the idealization phase, but they only start in, after they have you on the full idealization hook. Often it even seems performative. It seems like they want an implied excuse, and pity, for what they are about to do. At least for me, my body goes into hypervigilance and panic, and I wonder if they understand that, or it's just a softening of the ground they plan to take advantage of.
Yes I never thought about that but that definitely happened to me
If you make more than them they are uncomfortable and if you make less than them they are uncomfortable (because you are beneath them). If you make the same as them they are uncomfortable because you are in competition to see 'who wins'......and it isn't going to be you in any of these scenarios. I've actually never been hoovered after I leave a narc relationship. I seem to be very very good at burning bridges.😅
When confronting him about his cheatings , he said "what to do when women like me " 🤯
Just got discarded again after I confronted her on the devaluation. This has been going on since I was 20 and now I'm 64. She hoovers in and the last time I thought this time will be different. I guess I always think it will be different. I always end up feeling like shit. But this video is really helping today. Everything you say is so true.❤
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now - thought I was moving forward, healing, getting close to indifference when I just heard about his "wonderful, love of his life, affair partner" and how he's living the high life! It's brought back all my feelings of not being good enough, not doing enough, and hearing those snide devaluing comments over the last 25 years with him.
He sounds like a bastard. Stay strong💥
Dr. Ramani. I was doing SO great. I cut off communication, worked on my mental health, got a HUGE promotion, and I looked better than ever before....then he sucked me back in. HE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE ME HAPPY. This video can come across my list for a reason. I would have never connected the two!
I reacted emotionally -- ALL the memories of the abuse, the time I almost bled to death, and the constant blame for HIS behaviors came flooding back. I will never go down this road again.
Thank you for this content.
my narc liked to say "you think I'm just springing this up on you, I've been thinking about this for a long time" during a discard while 2 hours after they were love bombing
You have to view narcissistic behavior as irrational, then you go live your life without them. My ex was a malignant lying narcissisrt and I had to move 2000 miles away, but that didn't stop him. Long distance doesn't stop a narcissist. In fact, nothing stopped him until the day he died. How he died was a hoot: He had an aneursym that burst in his throat and he drowned in his own blood. Fitting for a liar, I'd say.......think about that one if YOU are a lying narcissist! And YOU know who you are!
My reaction to the news: THANK YOU, GOD!
I was discarded while overseas totally blindsided and she had a new supply b4 I came back
The way I see it, we're discarded when the love bombing stops.
I see the 'discard' as being set free. It may not seem like it at first, but time and reality and lifesavers like Dr Ramani and Dr Carter show us truth.
This hit home as I was abandoned as a child from a narcissist mom and now husband that is on a roller coaster. I need off this train as it is effecting my health. It makes sense what you are teaching Dr. R. Thank you for your help!
He started acting really weird from me pointing out our 6 month anniversary was in a couple days. He discarded me shortly after. I just wish I understood what got him so freaked out, but issues with intimacy would make sense.
True, just because the narcissist experience trauma in their lives, they inflict trauma on you to give them sick satisfaction.
Thank you so much for your videos. I am 46 and my dad is a covert narcissist. I am learning for the first time here what I have been through as a scapegoat. It is giving me a second chance at life and completely changing my perspective on what happened in my family. I have been through hell and back and now I have agency for the first time with this knowledge! I have an IQ in the 140s and have been told my whole life of my potential but spent many years a drug addict and incarcerated too. I am successful now but this is my first real chance at being free. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I was discarded after 14 years,found out he has a kid and a fiancee.
Another possible reason for the pedestal during the love bomb phase is that higher falls hurt more.
I have felt this for a long time, but never heard anyone actually address it. My ex made me feel like the most amazing person on the planet half the time, and a piece of scum the other half. Then, after she discarded me like I was nothing, she did the same for the guy she left me for... it was hard to watch, because the guy... it was hard to see what she saw in him.
I realised she was acting like he was amazing not because he was, but because she had to project that he partner was someone amazing. It took a long while to click that she had done the same with me and honestly, it hurt at first, but after a while you realise how dishonest it all was.
I cant imagine you guys having a narcissist for so long time, i was with one just for a month and i felt very bad. A narcissist person is the most sad thing about people that i saw in my entire life.
Wow he said he has nothing to offer me after 7 months of “future faking” me I noticed he was anxious when it came to our age difference in 34 he’s 46 and said I’m too “good for him” and now it’s like I never existed what sucks is I had nobody but him in my life and my narcissistic mom 😩 I’m trying to be strong thanks for your videos ❤❤❤
Thank you SO much for this video. I had a partner who "loved" me but started seeing someone else and didn't leave me until two weeks into the new relationship. Of course, he's the love of her life, while our relationship was kept a secret. Sadly She moved on to someone else at work so I have to see them both daily. Your advice here has really helped; it's not my fault and I just have to go through it, I have to tough this out. It WILL end.
call yourself lucky, you're finally free. It took me 1 years to see it that way. But you will get there. If I can, you can too!
Im in the contempt phase right now. Ive been married and with him for 33 years, in total. Our birthdays are very close together. He just told me he was taking a trip during our birthdays. At first , it hurt me( we're separated, but share guardianship of our adult, disabled daughter), then I told him I had his present. It was ordered weeks ago. Im having a hard time detaching from him, the sentimentality of our shared history, I think, is what Im having a hard time getting over. Then, later, he shows up, throws a pair of crocs at me, and says this is my birthday gift. I could tell he didnt even want to do that much. I realized he did it all to spite me, bc I was the one who asked for the divorce!! Hes tried to act like the altruistic, great guy, until now!! I caught the contempt in his eyes. He walked away, to ho live in the motel, and thought, what an empty, miserable person. I no longer want to be around him- AT ALL!! I see him for what he is. Im grieving, but mostly for all the time I wasted on him.
Trauma bond 😢
@elizabethy
I can identify with some of your experiences
I do remember when the loss & wasted many years happened for me & also the grief around not having wherewithal to have ended it so much sooner
I also filed for divorce
Gone no contact & living in peace finally
I was left alone on unknown foreign city after my narcissistic friend abused me late night. This is friendship of 28 years. I am still healing. Can't say I'll ever heal. Nighmares never end. I was left alone at night. PTSD. He was the one invinging me for vacation on his expenses.
You are sick and still putting out your videos for the multitudes of hurting people whose lives you have saved! Thank you Dr. Ramani doesn't even cut it! We are blessed and you are so loved. God bless you.XOXOXO
Yes I think our happiness does disgust them. I used to share mine with my family on FB and realized years later I was casting my pearls to toxic swine.