@@kyleconde5943 you only explain to someone if they get it and you’re trying to save a soul other then that they don’t want to hear it some friends you vent to soMe you don’t.
Kyle Conde, This means that your friends already understand, so they don’t need an any explanation. AND the others (your enemies) don’t understand anything that makes sense to you SO they will not believe anything that you would say SO so there’s absolutely no sense in talking to them.
I found that I can't even tell my narcissists about my activities. They tend to judge all my plans as silly as though nothing I do is acceptable. I have learned to enjoy my plans without sharing them with people that are not kind loving people. I no longer ignore my plans I simply go ahead and leave them out of them. It makes no sense to share with people who we know are going to try to ruin our joy.
This has made tears come to my eyes.. I feel exactly where you're at now as now being separated for a year; although there is still deeply rooted attachments, I now have come to my wits end with even believing we can have any type of relationship. I am making provisions to move on!! Like you said constantly undermining any accolades to be given just to make you feel worse about you. It's horrific to witness going on I see how he interacts with the men in his life and he's just sooo controlling and is always talking about someone its crazy !! Sorry for run ons etc. 😅
Same here. Just dont take it personally. All my hobbies and cultural interests are "stupid". I share my excitement about them sometimes for fun to see the reaction and its always the same.
This is what I have learned to do concerning dealing with narcissistic personality disorder. 1. Know that they will not accept any logical argument that they are wrong. 2. They are experts at twisting reality to fit their view and make you doubt yourself. Be aware it is like an illness that you cannot fix or cure. 3.Be yourself and never react or get upset--they love it, they thrive on it, they feed on control and conflict. 4. Remain calm no matter what. Concentrate on changing your emotion from anger to pity. Remind yourself that they are sick and deluded-- see them the same way as you would see someone with a major physical illness. 5. Set calm rock solid boundaries. Show them that you are supremely confident in your conviction. Do not enter into debate it will just upset you and you will get nowhere. Kill debate with "Lets agree to disagree" showing them you are unflappable, and cannot be manipulated. 6. Winning is retaining your peace of mind and sense of self. It is not changing the narcissist's behaviour beliefs or actions in any way, or getting revenge. You cannot fight darkness with darkness. You cannot make them suffer but know that they suffer continually, they seldom have peace of mind. It is exhausting and unfulfilling making so many external things essential to their happiness. It is un-sustainable. 7. If possible cut them out of your life.
Im currently in a realtionship with a class A narc. Its really hard to break up because im so in love with him. Even though. Now that i think about it. I never was really in love with him. It was basucally push and pull
I live with one ,trust me its so exhausting even we hardly have conversations but i just get anxious when that person is around . I am not me . I just work at fast pace to finish my work and leave as soon as possible . But thats not life .
Yep, I seem to have encountered nothing but Narcs. I’ve also pulled away for my own sanity and self respect. I hope I have never, unwittingly visited such misery on anyone.
Me as well.....but I have learned to tell the difference betwen healthy individuals and narcs . I have fewer individuals in my inner circle but they are good, decent people . We all need others in our lives. But we also need to not stay in unsatisfactory relationships just because we don't know how to be alone!
@@sararichardson737 Usually empaths and codependents attract toxic ppl. I believe it's so they can heal n learn proper boundaries not set in childhood.
I love the way Dr Carter speaks. He speaks gently, and of course the lovely southern accent, is soothing. He delivers this really difficult topic in a gentle, but very powerful way. He does not hide the cruel facts. He has helped me to understand a man that I have lived with for 20 years, in a way, that I never under stood before. Thank you Dr Carter.
Narcissists are all about boundaries...they have all sorts of boundaries that you are not to cross. One great example is that you must expect nothing from him or her. Expressing needs, requirements, or expectations to a narcissist will result in an ugly reaction. The reverse is true, as you say, nothing is off limits to a narcissist.
Mine warned me to not have any expectations of him or the relationship. Yet he expected much from me. I was too slow to see the manipulations until I realized I was starting to feel weak whenever we spoke, but very strong and fun when we weren't having a conversation. It took a few weeks after my awareness before I finally stopped participating in the conversation altogether - gave nothing (grey rock) in response to his need / addiction to attention. My sanity restored but continue to work on "how" did I get there with him? I didn't heed the early warnings!
My mouth fell open when I read what you wrote here. That is SO true and so baffling! I am feeling less like the crazy one with each of these videos and the comments I'm reading. I swear, I want to reach out and hug this Dr. C and all those who have shared their comments. Everyone seems to be enduring a lot of the same garbage I have been. I'm not nuts after all! (Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but at least I'm not a narc. ugh.)
Absolute truth !!! They'll try to suck any sense of self out of you because you are an extension of themselves in their mind they can control. If you act like they want you to act it's all fine within their limited view of the world (which btw is perfect, they think have the gold medal for understanding reality), if you start explicitly setting boundaries they go nuts (sometimes dangerous nuts so you have to just not engage as much as possible, way better than a confrontation).
You can't look at interactions with them as a relationship. In their mind we exist to make them happy and to fulfill whatever expectations they have. We're not people to them, we're more like toys and appliances.
Cana and Janet...try to find in PDF entity possession by Dr. Samuel Sagan.....what you will learn there is totally shocking! It is a compilation of his work with clients under hypnosis.....nice day!
Love your comment! It clearly describes exactly what we are up against with a narcissist! Remembering your statement will help many of us put up those boundaries that Dr Carter so aptly discusses! Thanks a bunch!! Both you & Dr Carter have helped me today ! May God bless you both!
That part! 🙌🙌 When you pull away from them, they can tell..covert narcs are the best at trying to portray a role that they know you want..for a moment..and then they're back to being a straight up self-centered jack@$$.
KRISTINA LOWE there is something freeing and powerful when you realise who they are! I have recently found this out about my partner, and now that I know, I know how to not play the ‘game’. He has some lovely traits, but mostly I’m his target for all the crap that’s happened to him in his life.
Watching your videos has become very important to my wellness. Just want you to know that I truly appreciate you sharing how to identify, interpret and deal with narcissism. Thank you
@@SurvivingNarcissism You are quite welcome, dear sir. I would like to see these teachings available, in fact mandatory, as part of curriculum in schools at all ages. Would you like to collaborate on this effort?
@@butterflymagicwithhottea9291 I really like your idea I kind of thought about something like that myself he has a very easy comforting feeling that just helps you absorb the information so much better there is a lot of potential there
Emotional detachment is the main thing, just imagine that you live with a stranger who you need to tolerate and think about future happy new life without him. You will feel such a relief.
the problem with narcissist is that they are constantly trying to keep you off balance and twisting things so even if you are confident about who you are and your boundaries, they will throw some bizarre, f'd up concept into the mix. they are brilliant and throwing people off and shaking them up. NO CONTACT if possible.
Narcissists have compulsive behaviors. Many have multiple addictions, and some have multiple perversions. They want to control others while they do not control themselves.
Amanita Muscaria Yes I've found that too! Look at almost all over eaters on 600lb life. My covert narc mother and overt narc sister are both chronic alcoholics, as is my friends narc father. They are obsessive!
I had an epiphany while watching this excellent video. It seems with all the hoops that must be jumped through in order to maintain one’s sanity and boundaries, it’s not really a relationship at all. Even if one does all these things, they are still, at best, having half a relationship. There’s really no living. It’s just a daily battlefield where one is on the defensive, or so it seems to me. The scripture that immediately came to mind was “what fellowship has light with darkness?”
@@gerger5670 That is one thing I do not miss! Complained that his restless leg syndrome caused him to kick the bed all night🥴 then complained & told everyone I take naps🤦♀️I still laugh when I think back of trying homemade remedies to help him & he woke up with onions taped to the bottoms of his feet😆 Witchy woman was the funniest thing he had ever called me😆
1. Each person is unique. 2. Define the characteristics you want to have. 3. Be open and clear about who you are. 4. Match your behavior with those beliefs. 5. When challenged, don't defend. 6. Practice emotional detachment from narcissist's opinions.
Big thank you, Dr. Carter. Here's my takeaway/summary: 1. Healthy boundaries means having a very strong definition for who I am and it is not anyone's to claim. (being true to myself, despite narc being overbearing or blurring the boundaries) 2. Define who you want to be. (each personality is distinct) 3. Be open and clear about who you are 4. Match your behaviours with those beliefs (I am not very good trying to be someone I'm not) 5. When challenged, don't defend 6. Practice emotional detachment (don't try to win over the other person)
@D'Yahns - Very good. I hope you can apply these steps. I learned the hard way about #5. If you aren't prepared (and who of us are when we just learning who we're dealing with) defending yourself to a narc can result in more damage to your psyche than you can imagine. I heard the term "go grey rock" (don't respond - be like a rock). They hate this. I think when I learned #5 & #6 this actually saved me from losing my mind. I wish you all the best!
I have been with my narcissistic husband for 27 years now. I have a narcissistic ex-husband and I realize now that my mother is a narcissistic parent so I don’t really know anything else. But since I have come across your videos which are priceless to me by the way I have learned that I must get out. I have four children with him and three are still at home. I have no career no money no job and not even a car right now but it’s not going to stop me from moving forward. Please pray for me that I can find my way and that I can find myself again.
Robin, hope you are doing good. I am still in 37 yr. marriage w/ narc., and 4 adult children. However, all the rest is same for me as you describe yourself. I am listening to these type of videos which helped me understand what has been happening. Get stronger, set boundaries, etc. I pray God helps you.
pom mom Just wondering if you notice any tendencies in your children. My grown daughters have treated me so disrespectfully, that for a minute I thought I might be narcissistic. It’s frightening from either end of that stick.
Hang in there, stay strong. Have narc husband and Mom, wondered for years why my attempts at expression and communication were so poorly received and misinterpreted. Now I have strength of knowledge that it is not me. My faith has been a tremendous help. You are stronger than you know.
Lol. Direct quote from my life. Worked until I collapsed, and then, “you never do anything for me, why should I do anything for you. “. Thank God I am FREE!
I paid to fix up every single thing broken in his house AND single handedly painted the entire OUTSIDE of his house AND stained his deck/porch. And after I finally left him he emails me and says "you never follow through on what you say you will do.......where's my cauliflower pizza you promised to make for me?" ????!!!!!!!!!
Narcissists disregard boundaries. It is work if one is a close relative. Thankfully the narc in my life was a friend - now I'm in no contact, and I am free of the chaos.
Liz Ryan , yes, narcs are never ending horrific drama/trauma who keep pushing your boundaries to feed every need of their own. I think you have to tell them in no uncertain terms it’s over and then block their #. That’s what I did. It’s a relief and I hope it lasts. They’re just dumpers, and want you to make up for their completely irresponsible ways and there would be nothing but trouble in return in an attempt to mask that they are users.
“They’re committed to their own anger” wow!!! Does that sum up their lives. I’ve returned several times this is a slow process for me. Listening over years, I didn’t understand what boundaries were, or how I could SET them, not understanding that the boundaries were my comfort zones, not something they would recognize and comply with. I thought that some of the boundaries would be destructive to a relationship, not understanding that it was about fixing me and my expectations. That they can’t be taught and won’t change. I felt the need to hold on to hope of them changing that it was the only way. Now I understand more but am still learning Thanks!!
Staying with mother about 10 minutes can make me feel like it's the end of the world...watched half way and going to watch again when I have time. Thank you for making it such a serious business.
The 6 keys to setting up boundaries with the narcissist 1. My Uniqueness is ok & inevitable and I will embrace it. 2. Define who you want to be to yourself. 3. Be very open and clear about who you are. 4. Match your behaviour with your beliefs. 5. When challenged don't defend. 6. Practice a certain emotional detachment to the narcissist.
Something I've noticed about my family is that they all shut down verbally when we're around the narcissist family member. He's the one that talks over everyone.
Another great video. I made the mistake you mentioned of trying to alter my behavior to "get along" with this type of person. I then made an explicit effort to talk to them about our relationship and determine a course of action. As you would expect this got me nowhere. What I can say is nothing is going to be good enough for them. Nothing is their responsibility. No matter what you do it will not be enough. This is just where they want someone. My take-aways are: 1. Don't feel bad if they get upset. They will always be upset. Know that. 2. Don't expect anything from them. They don't care how you feel or what you think. 3. Don't look to lay blame or have them accept responsibility. They will never see anything as their fault. 4. Use your own feelings as your compass. Go in the direction YOU feel is best for YOU. The best thing I ever heard from her was "I don't owe you anything." after running me around for a year. While I originally felt this was a way to avoid responsibility I learned it was true. It was only myself that held me there. It was my choices to go along with made me unhappy. This provided me the opportunity to tell myself "no more". She doesn't owe me, I don't owe her. If I don't owe her then there is no reason for me to sacrifice my time, energy and care on what she thinks. It was the beginning of the end for our interaction and the beginning of my healing.
I forget why I said no to her one day, but my sister had a shocked face and yelled, "after all I've done for you and your family?!" I got up and left actually asking myself what is she talking about. I asked my husband if she ever did anything for us, he said "besides giving us grief, no."
@Unspeakable Truth I understand your post and agree with your sentiment. I will counter what you said by stating that there comes a point when someone is unhappy in the relationship. From this point of being unhappy there is the choice to remove yourself from the relationship. It can range to being extremely difficult due to financial concerns or because of child custody which keeps people interacting. My opinion on this unhappiness is that once a person decides they are unhappy it is only that person which can resolve the issue. As you said, the narcissist will not "agree" with you (unless they have an ulterior motive such as lessening the stress to keep you around) and they will not make changes to reconcile the issue. The only option being leaving the relationship. I did come to terms with this understanding through a couple years of contact (off and on) and kicked myself because I knew at that time I had numerous opportunities to have left for whatever reason I wanted to remove this unhappiness from my life. It was the deception from the narcissist which made my unhappiness but it was my desire to explicitly blame them and get a resolution from them which kept me there. It was not until I realized that I was figuratively shouting at a wall and arguing with my own echo that I saw the waste of time it was. I understood that attempting to deal with this person in any way was only keeping me in their orbit. I had to cut ties completely and give up any desire to hear words of apology and explanation before I was rid of this. So my posting those points is to help people understand that if they are unhappy, that is the issue. Don't focus so much on laying blame. People should do what they can to fix issues but the true frustration and anger comes from going through those steps and only seeing the narcissist as being smug and controlling. I suppose it is an attempt to have people in this position take a moment of calm to reassess their situation and hopefully make a clean break earlier than later and not waste extra time after the failure chasing closure.
I am continually impressed by the level of intelligence represented here by the narcissist's victims. They have us feeling small and not powerful. Just the opposite is true. That's why they picked us. Thank you for your insight; this comment was enlightening.
Wow. "You exist to make me happy" - that was my childhood and much of my adult life (Narc dad.) Finally took control of my life and ended up cutting him out of my life. I grew up thinking I was responsible for everyone's happiness. And I nearly killed myself trying. Now I'm free of that mindset. Best feeling ever!
Thank you so much. If feel like a selfish jerk, if I don't do everything she wants, the way she wants, including mind reading. This manipulating behavior has made my loose myself completely, without realizing it.
The mind-reading thing should be a kill switch to protect your own sanity. The problem with second-guessing someone's intent surely can drive you nuts, especially when you have no way to figure out _how_ to read that person - which, by definition, is impossible with a narcissist. So when someone wants to force you to participate in the mind.-reading game, immediately shut down communication with that person. It's absolutely not worth it.
@@graceandfaith869 Not really. The longer you're involved with one, the less and less you'll care about them. Believe me. Distance is the only thing that works.
The most important part is at 11:00. Be strong; do not take responsibility for another's feelings. If they are unhappy with you having your own life and opinions, that's on them. Don't carry that for them.
I often wonder why narcissists dont have any shame/awareness of what they do to people no matter how much damage they cause to others. Thank you again for another helpful video. Best wishes
What we do to others are usually what we do to ourselves. They live in fear 24/7/365, they believe that living in fear is normal. So they think that a person who is not living in fear is "abnormal and ridiculous". They think they're trying to "save" you.
+Danny Yu it seems a very strange way of expressing fear. They are so aggressive, brazen, intrusive, entitled, bossy, shameless, insensitive, unempathic, 'male', manipulative, fearless.......??
@@mghodsian2827 The intrusive and disrespectful things they tell others are usually the same things they tell themselves. If a person constant talk shit to him/herself, of course he/she will be living in fear. Anger is what they use to cover up fear.
+Danny Yu thank you for your reply. I am hoping Dr Carter might cast some light on this. I have a hard time accepting the narcissists i know thinking badly of themselves. They cause so much damage to others & come over as if they are perfect & full of confidence. Hard to believe its all a front (?)
Raised by a narcissist. My childhood was horrible. Being physically, emotionally, sexually and verbally abused for many years. All hope had left in my life. I would beg God to take my life everyday. In 2011 i was diagnosed with bipolar, depression, anxiety, PTSD and BPD. My life was a mess! 2013 my depression got so bad I had to leave my job. I lost everything. Marriage, house, cars, etc. I had never felt so much pain in my life. I then begin to take a lot of things out on people because I wanted them to understand what I was going through. No one could take it anymore. In 2018 I ended up on the streets and in the shelter. I had no one. My children just could not take anymore of our toxic family relationship between me an my mom. They were just that fed up and being in the middle of our crazy behavior. So they all left. And that's when my eyes opened. All my babies were gone and said enough is enough!! My God Jesus the pain, I can't even say the words of how empty and low I had felt. I looked and realized that I didn't even take the time to see that my children where in this pain with me. And they had been abused too. 40 years of my life I spent focusing on just me and complaining the entire time. 2018 rocked my foundation of everything. I ended up in a mental hospital for 13 days. I felt abandoned and never been so scared in all my life. I asked God, why is this happening to me!?!?! I told Him if this is the only reason I'm here then just me die. I had become very angry and wanted to stay to myself all the time cursing the very day I was born. You see, I didn't know Gods plan. Life comes with a sacrifice. God had to kill the old me so the new one could live. God made me look at myself and take responsibility for my actions in it all. In order for me to do that I had to know that I cannot change anyone but MYSELF!! Now my children and I are being a healthy family. The way God intended. i apologized to all my children and researching every bit of information I can get to better person and heal from my childhood. As for my mom and I. I have went no contact and it has been three years now. I am free and I am my own person. I have every right to be me and so should everyone else. I pray for anyone who is dealing with abuse from narcissistic people. You are loved and don't believe the lies that they are telling you!!!! You are God's child and He loves you with all His heart. Please take care and be bless.
@@1DaTJo You are most welcome love. You are a blessed🦄 🙌🌷🌺 🕊 Its your turn to fly and show your wings to the world!! I am so very very happy for you. Your FREE🕊
Years ago I escaped a relationship with a very violent narcissistic abuser. I was thinking it may be helpful for others watching these videos to have instruction on how to cope with an abuser's rage episode. Narcissist rage is one of the scariest things you can be subjected to and can be a tool used by the narcissist to impose his or her will on someone else.
Following previous histories as in previous broken boundaries, no apologies ever, in fact it's always your fault because the narc is always right, and "if you weren't so messed up and confused (gas lighting) things would be fine" ... a few of these experiences and it's time to go.
Golden advice, as always! I am going to watch this one a couple of times--even take notes! On a humorous note, my narc father used to be so obnoxious to servers in restaurants (we have since quit going out with him) that we would have to snag the server in private and tell him/her that he was *that way* because of a head problem. We would then give them a generous tip for putting up with him. I figure it prevented our food being spit on.
That's sad and funny. I've been a waiter and you learn that there are these people who have to totally play run the waiter. And you do. Usually they are just domineering and they feel bad about it, and express appreciation. Other times they are just plain jerks. I wind up feeling bad for their companions and I always worked hard for those tables because I want the person's companions to have a good experience. I knew many waiters, and it was a comfort I never saw or heard of one spitting on food while I was in thus job which is a comfort I can pass along. Lucky no one has time. It's always appreciated when someone tips well and no matter how crazy the shift was, the money you take home in your apron is so appreciated!
Yes, sad, but you made me laugh. I was told by a business person in my hometown that you don’t know your place until you’ve been put in your place by my mother. Sad, but pretty funny.
Thank you so much for your advice. I have had so many narcissists in my life, I attract them like flies to sugar, but now I know what is going on and can recognize them. I feel empowered.
Linda Eskridge Same here. I am a empath and a Pisces. Now that I got help after a Narcissist (overt in your face after the love bombing stage) husband now X - I don't attract them like that anymore. Still trying to get the Narcissist (covert - the worse kind I think) landlord out my life! Have to move.
I am the same. ....I have barely any money and have been this way for years -harassment and bullying by narcissists in the workplace. ...It has been devastating more than once and has more than once nearly pushed me over the edge. One thing that I am trying to wake up to (and there are many) is that their behaviour towards me is really almost all about them and their inability to tolerate any level of conflict/clash with another person. ...For years, I made the mistake of holding onto an erroneous outlook that really was a relic of the past and past situations -and holding onto it only meant that I was underestimating my self and allowing what are low acting and more underdeveloped types through my boundaries. I have to wonder in fact whether this is not what happens to MANY victims ...and that, sadly, their better self awareness leaves them open to abuse from those with barely any self awarness (or empathy). A sense of shame is also a part. And i believe that one's family plays a major part in instilling and maintaining a shaming sort of outlook (an all or nothing approach). One's family really is the ideal conditioning environment -where it takes years to undo all of the incorrect programming. One that I have been trying to work on, is the punitive eye-for-an-eye approach to correcting a person who has done wrong. ...This is the all-or-nothing approach in my family, and it sets it up so that "the head of the family" is just the biggest bully, and the one of lower status (i.e. youngest and most often female) is put into the position of Parent -only with all the duties and none of the priviliges. A lose-lose position, where the best outcome is merely that one undoes damage done. It is really a sink or swim, horrible place to be forced into. And the worst part I think is all the brainwashing and bullying by others whereby none of them seem to be able to identify that it is wrong to be treated in such a way. ...Again, the parental role is dumped onto the youngest to deal with alone. And should they fail to undo any of the damage done, then there is years of further abuse from narcissists inside and outside of the family. In my situation, it feels like everytime I try to create independence for my self, I encounter these emotional abusers trying to cut me off wherever and whenever they can. They like to create the illusion that the world revolves around them and their grossly distorted egoccentric agenda. A very hard obstacle to get past is the sheer level of RAGE and aggression that they direct one's way - being the receptacle for all THEIR dysfunction and self-loathing is a heavy burden to bare. One really has to be VERY strong minded in order to brush it off and not let it undermine or wound you. And this can take time to achieve, especially if one has grown up surrounded by this negative reinforcement. It sucks, to say the least. I really want a holiday. Hope I can make money to go on one soon...
Linda Eskridge I just got out of a hidden relationship with one. They love Aquarius because of our empathic and emotional intelligence. Of course they hide and show off the Aquarius, because Aquarius a sign borne to destroy and destabilize narcs.
I think I can say otherwise , my late Boss and my ex , both were Aquarius , just one was overt and another one covert Narc. Life lesson learnt big way ... must say covert was damn hard to recognise , I was in denial for a very long time .
I have absolutely stopped ALL conversation, text, email, with my narc. Done. It’s very hard, as they have an incredible ability to taunt. Some days, I have to put down the devise, and leave the room. However, I’m always glad later. The Narc gets nowhere. I keep my sanity.
when I started telling my narcissistic mother not to speak to me in that way thats when she started scheming on how to get rid of me and she has! I wasnt aggressive I just kept saying dont treat me this way do not speak to me this way you do not speak to so and so like that why me? When I started doing that I was gone in her eyes
Basically we must change US, not them! We must change the way we react to them. We must be always on guard with a gun in our hand not to be used or abused ! We must turn ourselves into teachers,nurses,mothers and disciplinarians. Not friends or lovers or companions or true spouses. How sad, never to trust someone completely. How painful not to be able to love someone with total abbandon 😑
In a nut shell, you've hit it on the head. That's exactly where the sadness comes from... it's not a real relationship, there's no reciprocation of the tender loving care.
@@southernette6750 Imperfect people require imperfect conditions But is it worth it? I say no At least not for me Too much disappointment Tricks when you least expect them, betrayals, sudden rejections and sudden returns, crossing of boundaries of decencies, etch...
After 40 years with a narcissist wife, I have been robbed of everyone and everything in my life. All I have left is me, and that is as good a place as any to begin rebuilding myself and reclaiming what I lost.
I'm told how I'm going to feel. I've started deflecting those comments. " You're going to be mad"... "You'd just get pissed.." I do not allow him to tell ME my FEELINGS. . I tell him, if you know what I'm going to think or feel, why am I here? You don't need a partner or a wife, you need a mirror.
Narcissism is an epidemic these days - you have to deal with overbearing and controlling people at work - with friends - family and neighbors - even just driving down the street - so thank you for helping people develop skills to help deal with it
Hi Dr. Carter. I've been baffled for years by what I call "The Hypnosis" that I'm under - my inability to make consequential decisions. I've also been "coming out of the fog" for a while, too, and have been coming to conclusions that "things ain't right." It's such a relief to hear you and have my suspicions validated. Thank you SO MUCH for these videos.
Get out. NO contact. The "fog" can even be deliberately induced to make you feel unconfident, hence indecisive, and easily manipulable. Lawyer for advice??
Dr. Carter, can you please consider doing a video on the 'exit plan'. Information on planning to get the narcissist out of your home. I know every situation is so different, but particularly if the narcissist is in your home and you want to plan and prepare to get them out ... as there are concerns regarding how much time to give them, as you can not trust them, and you may have to be away from home at times for work. Also, the 'telling' them ... the best way to hopefully lessen anger episodes.
The narc in my life is someone I dated in high school briefly. I ran into him right before my elderly mom took a big fall and was hospitalized. I was overwhelmed trying to take care of my job, my mom, my daughter and I was living with my mom so she could come home after rehab. She fell again a week later. The narc moved in to SAVE me and worked on my mom’s house while she was in rehab. Two years later and this guy won’t leave, thinks he owns my house, doesn’t respect any boundaries and has fits of rage if he is questioned about anything. How can I get this unemployed narc moocher to leave? I asked him to leave in July and he said my mom and I were idiots and don’t appreciate anything he does for us. Also said we would have to pay him to leave! He contributes nothing financially and helps himself to anything he wants. Also he says my mom would be dead and I unemployed if he hadn’t moved in to help. After 2 years, I found out I can’t just kick him out. Legally he has a right to stay and all I can do is give him a 30 day eviction. He could do so much damage in 30 days, I’m terrified! My mom feels like a prisoner in her own home. How can I get this narc out of my moms house?
@@janetpattonfoster7136 ... oh I feel for you Janet. I had very similar issues with the narc in my life when my elderly mother was ill, I had full time work, and responsibilities to other family members. They are manipulative leeches. I would like to suggest you talk to a counselor or legal professional, to see what your rights are here. Some legal professionals will offer short free initial sessions. Also, a counselor (like Dr Carter) in your area might have good information to help you. I am in the process of doing some of this myself. And, I feel so much for you ... these are vicious manipulative people you can not trust, and it's such a huge 'event' planning and preparing for how to get them out. But, if he is being aggressive and domineering towards you and your mother, perhaps you might even want to have a discussion with your local police for advice. That's not right and it's not fair ... and my guess is he knows exactly what he's doing.
@@janetpattonfoster7136 I would definitely go to the police department, and find out if you can simply change your locks when he's out... And put all his stuff to the curb...
After 40 years I finally put my foot down. I didn't try to hurt his feelings or emasculate him. I made it clear that he wasn't going to manipulate or steam roll over me anymore. Guess what, he didn't leave me. Turns out he needs me more than I need him. I am an essential part of his facade of a "happily and successful married man". At this point I am staying in our marriage to enjoy the fruits of OUR labor (not just his). However I am much happier because I now do what I want when I want. Still wish I had figured it out earlier.
OleensEmbroidery that’s what I did too you have to put your foot down have a backbone. I married 36 years to my husband and used to just take all his mess and not say anything but I got tired of hearing If you’d just listen to me , things would be better cause my way is the right way ! Or he’d say my way or the highway and when I stood up to him finally he didn’t leave and he’d blame me for everything that went wrong till I yelled told him I’m sick of being blamed all the time . Now he has his moments but not like before he leaves me alone so that’s the key you gotta stand up to them and mean what you say . If they leave you’ll be okay but when push comes to shove there there all talk .
I'm 56 yrs old. I have found that distance from them with very limited time when needed is the only way. They will bulldoze your boundaries all the time..
AVOID THEM AT ALL COST......yes Dr Carter made a good point.......what you do and say WILL be used against you ......Its sad for all.....Narcissism = Emotional misers....I prefer emotional abundance.
"Healthy boundaries means you have a very strong self definition for who you are, and you're going to stay with it, and when that other person tries to tell you who you are, it's like 'Sorry, that's not your's to claim.'" ... GOLDEN 👌🏼
I'm narc free for over 18 months and doing great! Getting better at boundary setting. Have had to completely block him even though we have teenagers together. 2 girls aged 11 and 13. It would be so great if you could do a kids friendly version of identifying a narcissist and setting boundaries Carter 😊 These videos have been so helpful! You are the best 👍 I guess when I say kid friendly I mean interchanging intellectual terms for ones that are simpler! And scenarios to parent child rather than romantic relationship! Thanks again!
So...I was a 59 year old manager of a motorcycle dealership, and I let a 30 year old narcissistic Mechanic destroy my life. If only I had found your wisdom earlier. You have enlightened me. Many thanks
My narc is a manager at a motorcycle dealership. Amazing how he hasn't noticed no one at his work likes him. He's constantly trying to tell these guys what to do with their personal lives (not work related). He acts like he has led the most perfect life and can give advice lol
Over the years, a friend of mine would never respect any of my boundaries. She would always become enraged when I set one. I was completely mystified by her behavior until I learned how narcissists hate boundaries. Suddenly everything became crystal clear and I was able to remove myself from that relationship!
There's a consistent 200-250 on Every Video....gotta say, I think they actually subscribed just to dislike all his videos ..gotta admire their determination and commitment...it must be sooo frustrating that they can't stop him from blowing their cover. 🤣
Make sure they (and the people around you who probably have personality disorders themselves) don't guilt you about your boundaries. When I had my boundaries with my narc he was guilting me, and when I'd confide to "family" and "friends", some would guilt me too. After getting out of that relationship and finally finding peace in a healthy relationship I realized not only the person I was with was damaged, but the people I was around were damaged too. That's why I was prone to feeling guilty for having simple boundaries. I hope none of you are in that predicament. It's a miracle I finally found an emotional stable partner.
I found myself losing my sense of self gradually while trying to prevent him from being upset. Snuck up on me then escalated. I realized pushing back and defending myself was not a boundary. I realized I never learned hard boundaries. You're amazing Dr Carter. Thanks so much for this.
The only way I was able to get myself sorted out was to separate from my narcissistic mother was to completely seperate myself from her. I set some standards with regards to her behaviour and when she didn't meet them I didn't speak to her for a year. I can deal with her thinking she is always right. I can deal with her not approving of me or my behaviour but I will not deal with her abuse. This has enabled us to have a relationship of sorts that is sometimes quite pleasant. It can be difficult, it certainly isn't perfect but it's probably as good as it will get.
Thank you. I really needed this. I'm so tired of being angry because of the narcissist. They're so exhausting. They'll never change though. I'm the one taking time to learn about this stuff and I want to become a better person. She never wants that. Her loss. Your videos provide such a great perspective on this topic. Thank you.
Love your videos, I was married to a narcissist and he became violent. Fast forward 30 years, my son had my goofy personality up until 16, now at 38, married with children, he has become a narc with me, his father, his brother and his sister. We haven't spoke in over 2 years, I broke all attachments because I am an empath and I refuse to be abused by anyone any longer especially from my own child. Thanks for the insight
Omg, it hit me hard when he said that the narcissist says "you're different". Caused me to question myself on a regular basis. He referred to tip toeing, I call it walking on eggshells every other week. "Punishment" by withholding love, affection, among other things. Beginning my journey of a measure of emotional detachment to protect my mental health. Stay steady and true to who I am...
My narc every time he sees me happy and told him I can't change I am a happy person, loving,caring etc.because I know there's nothing inside them positive. I've learned to say no and set boundaries.Thank you so much Dr.Les Carter for helping us.
I no longer allow myself to feel small because of what you think. I no longer allow my self to apologize for living, and being who I truly am. I no longer allow you to gaslight me. I won't be bothered if you can't respect the boundaries I have put in place. I am healing, and looking past all the "bad" thing you use to keep me held hostage in a prison of your insecurities. I will stand, I will fight, and I will honor my right to simply be.
Such good, clear advice. I found the shock of someone blatantly bulldozing my boundaries was hard to believe. It helps to be prepared to anticipate this. I think the Narcissist is gone....for now. They really do hate the word "No". I have perfected gray rocking. Thanks for your tips there too.
Very good point about embracing who you are. I have dealt with so much anxiety and depression over the years and only until I got away from the narcissist, then all of that went away.
I’m a barista at a coffee house...I have 6 customers that I have identified as a narcissist...some are on the compleat opposite of the spectrum...but their goals are the same...to control and manipulate everyone...one customer plays the pathetic depressant...tries to play on everyone’s sympathy...she’s busy doing nothing other then trying to get others to do her work...she’s always trying to get something for nothing...apologizes all the time...and says...I’m sorry I’m being so difficult...but when she can’t get her way she complains to the boss about her order getting messed up...but in actuality she’s blaming others for her issues... Another customer comes into the coffee house to argue...but always acts like he’s the nice stand up kinda guy...but in a conversation he is hyper accusational...his comments don’t match up to the conversation...it’s as if he’s not even listening....because what ever you say...he will say...you need to lear how to be a nicer person...your problem is xyz...and my ultra favorite is...you need to focuse on your job...after he’s spent 15 min manipulating my time... Another lady tells me one week I make better coffee drinks then my boss...the next week she will tell him I’m messing her drinks up...then she acts pissy when I ask her how am I messing her drink up and accuses me of being sensitive... After researching narcissistic behaviors...My life at work has gotten easier since identifying their manipulation...I’m no longer wasting time trying to make them happy...its not in my power....and I’m not their therapist...
.. My well-being, a calm & well-balanced mind. An undisturbed spirit. So when the narcissist comes calling to agitate me, I'll recall what Dr Carter said: "Sorry that's not yours to claim". ❤ Good one,
This is amazing... Thank you Your tips and insights are very possibly THE most intelligent and helpful advice I've EVER come across on this potentially soul-destroying topic. ...How you managed to attain such insight - is something I am in a slight amount of awe about because I have spent years scraping together insights and still have only so much to keep me motivated and positive. Thank you SO MUCH-! This advice is what I have been searching for for many years...
I've noticed that the narcissists in my life have all been bullies. And they bully because they were bullied as children and they make themselves feel powerful by bulling others. They pass it down. Only the strongest mindset and most emotionally stable person can resist their attacks and walk away unscathed. Just as a wolf goes for the wounded deer, the narcissist seeks out the emotionally vulnerable to attack and bring down. They can't win against the healthy and strong.
Lack of boundaries has been a problem for me my whole life. I am an adult child of alcoholic parents (ACOA) and grew up in a household where there was no safety or security. Functioning alcoholics look good from the outside, but inside the home it is terrifying for a child. Boundaries were never permitted. Establishing them now seems a herculean task, but in order to have any sort of relationship with my son, I need to put boundaries in place. Emotional detachment is something I desperately need to be able to do.
Great. But how do I set boundaries? How? What does one do and say when an intrusive narcissist starts prying with word salad questions? Actually things I can actually do in that situation? While the narcissist intrudes? How do I talk to that person who is asking questions I don't want to answer?
Been watching your videos for a while now and finally got the courage and strength to leave my narcissistic husband of 35yrs today! Got a long way to go yet but feeling relieved already. I had always found reasons not to go, mainly financial but it got so bad, I didn’t care. Looking forward to my new lease of life but still scary to think how I’ll manage financially! Anyone else living or lived this?
I was invited to lunch, just yesterday at mom's house. I told her I'd been real busy with Hanukkah but could make it. She'd made some bread, salad and a homemade bean soup. She's gives me this monster bowl of bean soup LOADED with ham. She's know for YEARS that I do not consume pork. I stated that bread and salad would fill me up but wasn't that hungry for soup. She pushed the issue about eating that damn soup. I spoke up and said, "Mom, it does look delicious but I don't eat pork." OMG! She started with the guilt trip about how unappreciative I am and how STUPID my religious convictions are. She then starts her giggling and says, "You are so stupid you wouldn't even know there was pork in that soup." She thought she was going to TRICK ME! I was really on the verge of tears but stepped away from the table and said, "I hope you have a lovely day."...then left. I hope the old cow gets worms from that meat! LOL
@@OceanSound100 Thank you for saying that. It does mean alot and confirms I am not nuts! I always try to be considerate (maybe to much) of other people. When I invite people to my home for a meal I tell them what I am cooking. Most friends I know well enough to know their restrictions. Have a diabetic friend that I always make consideration for. But she's sweet enough to tell me not to go to all out and brings a dish for all to enjoy. Another friend can't eat salad (Chron's disease) and giggles telling me she would have to sit on my toilet after one bite. No Miss Manners am I but I still am considerate of others. Not worried what people think of me but I treat others as I would want to be treated.
When my husband retired, he had some weird illnesses that weren’t life threatening but have impacted our life. I get the feeling that he loves the attention-he’ll moan and groan until I say the words he wants to hear. Well, I’ve done what the good doctor said, I’ve emotionally detached. This is hard for me because I’m a people person and love to engage. I look at life asa positive and he looks at life as if everyone is out to get him. I’ve always tried to cheer him up but realize, through these great videos, that my efforts are in vain. Thank you for giving me the insight to make this important change.
I am 50 years old and just figured out that my mother is a narcissist. I've always joked that I was reared on guilt. People have asked me for many years why my mother competes with me rather than be happy for my successes. Today's interaction with her sent me searching for answers. I am grateful to have found this channel! Thank you, Dr. Carter - I've been binging on these videos and will be implementing your suggestions immediately! Karen
I am so grateful for these videos, and the first thing I learned is that.....I.am not losing my mind! I am not crazy! These people are very very dark mean cruel people.
Once I learned about borderline's I could avoid them and just not get involved. Dealing with a narcissist, learning about it, I feel like they are everywhere! Every past partner was a narc!! Dear God what does that say about me??
I feel the same way...however, knowing this has given me the courage to listen closer to my "inner voice", it normally warns me, but I use to ignore it. Now, I won't any longer...
Narcissists are extremely apt at suckering other people in to their games. First they seem to be very charming and friendly, but once they think that they have pulled you in far enough, they are firing up their mind games. I've also had the unnerving tendency to find flawed people who I befriended (save for some exceptions), but since I'm attempting to figure out someone's psychograph before opening up, I'm way less prone to that. I guess that that spared me various headaches in the long run.
Thank you so much for you videos, you’re finally helping me make sense of all of this and I appreciate your concise videos. I felt bad about finally creating boundaries. After experiencing what felt like PTSD whenever I had to call my parents, I finally mustered up the courage to sit down with them and tell them that it’s not okay for them to expect me to call them every day and getting criticized when I didn’t. I deliberately used lots of “I” statements because I didn’t want to be lured into an exchange of angry words. That was when my mom decided on the spot that our relationship was irreparable and told me to leave and not come back. Shortly after, my dad got hospitalized and my mom didn’t tell me. I eventually found a roundabout way to try and have some sort of relationship and visited them every 7-10 days for a couple of hours. The last time I was there, I could tell she was starting to be hyper-critical, confronting me about decisions that my husband, kids and I had made about getting a dog. When she subsequently started picking a fight again over how and how often I should be calling. I had to pull the emergency brake and cut off all contact. This is so silly, we moved all the way from the US back here to be closer to our parents and now that I’m a few minutes drive away the entire family has fallen apart. I don’t like this one bit but at the same time my stress level has come way down and no longer riding the emotional roller coaster which makes me a better wife and mom to my children. Please keep posting, your videos are ever so helpful.
All of this advice can be used in any relationship . Even if we aren't dealing with a true narcissist. It's great in general for just learning to be emotionally healthy.
Been watching this over and over just to get the points and may be am distracted. Setting boundaries with narcs is a nightmare. When you think youve succeeded in one area they poke you somewhere else, what a horrid nature of a person. They practicaly force one to agree with them and av been forever opposed but did have the right tools coz I would breakdown at their painful persistance. I did all the serving the, making the look good and all and was getting nothing in return and if I had to get something I was paying with my own blood. Anyway with the information am getting its helping me to take charge peaceful nomatter how much am provoked. Thanks am getting helped with every discussion.
Love all your advise and tips. They really work. I have two inlaws and one parent...that fit the bill. It works it works. Cant wait to watch this.. for maintenance.
@@briannemorgan1 Random ppl on RUclips, but non specifically. After all the other channels I watched on Narcissistic behavior, this is the only one I now listen to and subbed.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. This video kind of describes how my life has been for many years. I lived for those beautiful days, when the sun was shining and I was loved, but those days were few and far between. The negativity and continual, constant criticism was an ongoing event that adversely affected my self confidence, making a typically happy and well balanced woman a very sad one. When you truly love someone, you love even the sad, broken parts of that person. You support that person’s hopes and dreams. But, sadly the narcissist can’t give that same love and care back to you.
I spent $3,500.00 to have a privacy fence installed to keep my boundary challenged narc neighbor in his yard. I told him that he was the whole reason for the fence. That was over 7 years ago and I heard recently through a mutual friend that he still hates that fence with a passion, which tells me that the fence can never come down.
I didn't even know what a narcissist was until I got stuck dealing with one, thank you for these videos, the tools to get out of the control of a narcissist, they really take away what makes you, you, leaving you feeling angry. They go on about how you deceived them when the narcissist was the deceitful one.
Lost a couple years (following a 5 year relationship) of my life repeatedly getting back with a girl seemingly, when her ego dropped, only for her to immediately become distant and aloof as soon as she had me back. Very difficult for me to move on now, She's pretty much dismissive of our time together. Blamed myself a lot initially about problems in the earlier years, still don't know to what level she was deliberately manipulating, or whether she couldn't control her emotions. Still have a lot of both affection and anger over this. Your videos, your tone are very helpful, Thanks Les.
Some “narcissist “ are just young and not real developed yet so these same principles apply to self care and setting healthy boundaries. I’m sure we all can look back at our younger self and see how much we’ve grown.
A wise man once told me, "Don't bother explaining. Your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't believe it anyway."
That's a good way to say it! Dr. C
I don’t get is could anyone explain it please
@@kyleconde5943 you only explain to someone if they get it and you’re trying to save a soul other then that they don’t want to hear it some friends you vent to soMe you don’t.
@@kyleconde5943 I got the joke 👍
Kyle Conde, This means that your friends already understand, so they don’t need an any explanation.
AND the others (your enemies) don’t understand anything that makes sense to you
SO they will not believe anything that you would say
SO so there’s absolutely no sense in talking to them.
Why did the narcissist cross the road..... because he thought it was a boundary, lol. Saw this joke about narcissists and love it
LOL
😂😂😂😂🔥
😭🤣
Perfect! And, do you know who that Narcissist was? My Mother, The Human Woodchipper!
lmao!!!
I found that I can't even tell my narcissists about my activities. They tend to judge all my plans as silly as though nothing I do is acceptable. I have learned to enjoy my plans without sharing them with people that are not kind loving people. I no longer ignore my plans I simply go ahead and leave them out of them. It makes no sense to share with people who we know are going to try to ruin our joy.
note to self: I'll enjoy my life with people who appreciate what I'm about. Dr. C
Gwendolyn Wehage a more often than not, it's jealousy
This has made tears come to my eyes.. I feel exactly where you're at now as now being separated for a year; although there is still deeply rooted attachments, I now have come to my wits end with even believing we can have any type of relationship. I am making provisions to move on!! Like you said constantly undermining any accolades to be given just to make you feel worse about you. It's horrific to witness going on I see how he interacts with the men in his life and he's just sooo controlling and is always talking about someone its crazy !! Sorry for run ons etc. 😅
Well said, me too....
Same here. Just dont take it personally. All my hobbies and cultural interests are "stupid". I share my excitement about them sometimes for fun to see the reaction and its always the same.
This is what I have learned to do concerning dealing with narcissistic personality disorder.
1. Know that they will not accept any logical argument that they are wrong.
2. They are experts at twisting reality to fit their view and make you doubt yourself. Be aware it is like an illness that you cannot fix or cure.
3.Be yourself and never react or get upset--they love it, they thrive on it, they feed on control and conflict.
4. Remain calm no matter what. Concentrate on changing your emotion from anger to pity. Remind yourself that they are sick and deluded-- see them the same way as you would see someone with a major physical illness.
5. Set calm rock solid boundaries. Show them that you are supremely confident in your conviction. Do not enter into debate it will just upset you and you will get nowhere. Kill debate with "Lets agree to disagree" showing them you are unflappable, and cannot be manipulated.
6. Winning is retaining your peace of mind and sense of self. It is not changing the narcissist's behaviour beliefs or actions in any way, or getting revenge. You cannot fight darkness with darkness. You cannot make them suffer but know that they suffer continually, they seldom have peace of mind. It is exhausting and unfulfilling making so many external things essential to their happiness. It is un-sustainable.
7. If possible cut them out of your life.
TopgunB : Very, VERY, well stated ♥️
Yes. Totally agree. Dr LC, thank you for all your free videos. You're such a blessing.
Let them have all the darkness. It's theirs.
Im currently in a realtionship with a class A narc. Its really hard to break up because im so in love with him. Even though. Now that i think about it. I never was really in love with him. It was basucally push and pull
I live with one ,trust me its so exhausting even we hardly have conversations but i just get anxious when that person is around . I am not me . I just work at fast pace to finish my work and leave as soon as possible . But thats not life .
There's so much narcissism, apparently, that solitude becomes the healthiest choice. I'm glad I've always liked my own company.
Me too!!
Yep, I seem to have encountered nothing but Narcs. I’ve also pulled away for my own sanity and self respect. I hope I have never, unwittingly visited such misery on anyone.
Me as well.....but I have learned to tell the difference betwen healthy individuals and narcs . I have fewer individuals in my inner circle but they are good, decent people . We all need others in our lives. But we also need to not stay in unsatisfactory relationships just because we don't know how to be alone!
I like your company too...especially with your friends Green Beans and Potatoes
@@sararichardson737 Usually empaths and codependents attract toxic ppl. I believe it's so they can heal n learn proper boundaries not set in childhood.
Whenever possible, no contact is the best way to deal with narcissists.
My boyfriend is extremely narcissistic and he thinks being a teenage dad when he was 18 was cool!!!!
I love the way Dr Carter speaks. He speaks gently, and of course the lovely southern accent,
is soothing. He delivers this really difficult topic in a gentle, but very powerful way. He does not
hide the cruel facts. He has helped me to understand a man that I have lived with for 20 years,
in a way, that I never under stood before. Thank you Dr Carter.
You're welcome. Dr. C
And is important that the man you talk about receive help so in that way he'll not hurt or make life miserable other persons
JD Putney I agree. He speaks loud and clear!
Yes!! He is like fresh air when I haven't taken a deep breath in years
He's amazing I agree !
Narcissists are all about boundaries...they have all sorts of boundaries that you are not to cross. One great example is that you must expect nothing from him or her. Expressing needs, requirements, or expectations to a narcissist will result in an ugly reaction. The reverse is true, as you say, nothing is off limits to a narcissist.
Excellent excellent points, very very true indeed !!!
SheLikesSteel
Do as I say not as I do. That's the quickest way for me to punch you in the face. lol.
Mine warned me to not have any expectations of him or the relationship. Yet he expected much from me. I was too slow to see the manipulations until I realized I was starting to feel weak whenever we spoke, but very strong and fun when we weren't having a conversation. It took a few weeks after my awareness before I finally stopped participating in the conversation altogether - gave nothing (grey rock) in response to his need / addiction to attention. My sanity restored but continue to work on "how" did I get there with him? I didn't heed the early warnings!
My mouth fell open when I read what you wrote here. That is SO true and so baffling! I am feeling less like the crazy one with each of these videos and the comments I'm reading. I swear, I want to reach out and hug this Dr. C and all those who have shared their comments. Everyone seems to be enduring a lot of the same garbage I have been. I'm not nuts after all! (Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but at least I'm not a narc. ugh.)
Absolute truth !!! They'll try to suck any sense of self out of you because you are an extension of themselves in their mind they can control. If you act like they want you to act it's all fine within their limited view of the world (which btw is perfect, they think have the gold medal for understanding reality), if you start explicitly setting boundaries they go nuts (sometimes dangerous nuts so you have to just not engage as much as possible, way better than a confrontation).
You can't look at interactions with them
as a relationship. In their mind we exist to
make them happy and to fulfill whatever
expectations they have. We're not people
to them, we're more like toys and appliances.
Turned into robots made to serve their every whim...
Yep, just things to be used by them for their supply.
Cana and Janet...try to find in PDF entity possession by Dr. Samuel Sagan.....what you will learn there is totally shocking! It is a compilation of his work with clients under hypnosis.....nice day!
Love your comment! It clearly describes exactly what we are up against with a narcissist! Remembering your statement will help many of us put up those boundaries that Dr Carter so aptly
discusses! Thanks a bunch!! Both you & Dr Carter have helped me today ! May God bless you both!
That part! 🙌🙌 When you pull away from them, they can tell..covert narcs are the best at trying to portray a role that they know you want..for a moment..and then they're back to being a straight up self-centered jack@$$.
Thank you for these videos because I no longer feel crazy. After 20 years with my Narcissist husband, I feel free!!
omg 20 yrs 7 almost killed me
Kristina, did you stay married?
Same with my son's father, yes!!
KRISTINA LOWE there is something freeing and powerful when you realise who they are! I have recently found this out about my partner, and now that I know, I know how to not play the ‘game’. He has some lovely traits, but mostly I’m his target for all the crap that’s happened to him in his life.
Emily Rankin y
Watching your videos has become very important to my wellness. Just want you to know that I truly appreciate you sharing how to identify, interpret and deal with narcissism. Thank you
@ Yes, I am going to reference (make a link to) these videos on my channel for sure. Everybody can benefit from this gold.
These comments are received with gratitude. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism You are quite welcome, dear sir. I would like to see these teachings available, in fact mandatory, as part of curriculum in schools at all ages. Would you like to collaborate on this effort?
@@butterflymagicwithhottea9291 I really like your idea I kind of thought about something like that myself he has a very easy comforting feeling that just helps you absorb the information so much better there is a lot of potential there
Yes, his reassuring advice and how he delivers it is so amazing and hopeful ❣
Emotional detachment is the main thing, just imagine that you live with a stranger who you need to tolerate and think about future happy new life without him. You will feel such a relief.
Literally explains me right now until i ship for bootcamp, hopefully never deal w him again
AVOID THEM AT ALL COST no contact is the best way... before it is too late
That's what I with my ex-wife . It drives her nuts .
What do you do when they keep saying hello and wanting you to reply 🤷♀️
@@namechangedtopunty7659 ...what is forcing you to reply, when in reality you don't need to!
I did that feel free
Amico USA TRUE!
the problem with narcissist is that they are constantly trying to keep you off balance and twisting things so even if you are confident about who you are and your boundaries, they will throw some bizarre, f'd up concept into the mix. they are brilliant and throwing people off and shaking them up. NO CONTACT if possible.
That’s called gaslighting.
I never dare to take decision except when there is something very personal work. Anything related to family or household stuffs ,i am forbidden
You found them out, they’re not that clever
This is quiet right and you have no words to reply to them, but because their comments are so bizarre, only they would have thought out them
I feel drained, my energy sucked tired anxious
I hope you're feeling better.
@AmericanRelic2hear you too
@AmericanRelic2hear same here drained everyday but praying and keeping no contact been a week , feel like i don't know myself
People who will punish you for being you are not your friend.
And now zuhura? Are you any better?
Narcs and alcoholics have a lot of the same traits.
rage a holic
Narcissists have compulsive behaviors. Many have multiple addictions, and some have multiple perversions. They want to control others while they do not control themselves.
Many narcs are also addicts. I've found that addictive behaviour is an indicator of narcissism
Amanita Muscaria Yes I've found that too! Look at almost all over eaters on 600lb life. My covert narc mother and overt narc sister are both chronic alcoholics, as is my friends narc father. They are obsessive!
I have found out many " codepedents " are raving covert narcs
I had an epiphany while watching this excellent video. It seems with all the hoops that must be jumped through in order to maintain one’s sanity and boundaries, it’s not really a relationship at all. Even if one does all these things, they are still, at best, having half a relationship. There’s really no living. It’s just a daily battlefield where one is on the defensive, or so it seems to me. The scripture that immediately came to mind was “what fellowship has light with darkness?”
I'm tracking with you. Dr. C
Thank you so much for sharing this
Even in sleep (or trying to) there is a struggle, whatever you try to find peace or happiness in, they will destroy it😞
Agree totally!
@@gerger5670 That is one thing I do not miss! Complained that his restless leg syndrome caused him to kick the bed all night🥴 then complained & told everyone I take naps🤦♀️I still laugh when I think back of trying homemade remedies to help him & he woke up with onions taped to the bottoms of his feet😆 Witchy woman was the funniest thing he had ever called me😆
GET OUT, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.
1. Each person is unique.
2. Define the characteristics you want to have.
3. Be open and clear about who you are.
4. Match your behavior with those beliefs.
5. When challenged, don't defend.
6. Practice emotional detachment from narcissist's opinions.
Big thank you, Dr. Carter. Here's my takeaway/summary:
1. Healthy boundaries means having a very strong definition for who I am and it is not anyone's to claim. (being true to myself, despite narc being overbearing or blurring the boundaries)
2. Define who you want to be. (each personality is distinct)
3. Be open and clear about who you are
4. Match your behaviours with those beliefs (I am not very good trying to be someone I'm not)
5. When challenged, don't defend
6. Practice emotional detachment (don't try to win over the other person)
You ARE good at taking notes, and hopefully retaining the info! Dr. C
@D'Yahns - Very good. I hope you can apply these steps. I learned the hard way about #5. If you aren't prepared (and who of us are when we just learning who we're dealing with) defending yourself to a narc can result in more damage to your psyche than you can imagine. I heard the term "go grey rock" (don't respond - be like a rock). They hate this. I think when I learned #5 & #6 this actually saved me from losing my mind. I wish you all the best!
Thanks for taking notes!
D'Yahns I just had to write down your list as a reminder for myself. Thank you.
I have been with my narcissistic husband for 27 years now. I have a narcissistic ex-husband and I realize now that my mother is a narcissistic parent so I don’t really know anything else. But since I have come across your videos which are priceless to me by the way I have learned that I must get out. I have four children with him and three are still at home. I have no career no money no job and not even a car right now but it’s not going to stop me from moving forward. Please pray for me that I can find my way and that I can find myself again.
Robin, hope you are doing good. I am still in 37 yr. marriage w/ narc., and 4 adult children. However, all the rest is same for me as you describe yourself. I am listening to these type of videos which helped me understand what has been happening. Get stronger, set boundaries, etc. I pray God helps you.
pom mom Just wondering if you notice any tendencies in your children. My grown daughters have treated me so disrespectfully, that for a minute I thought I might be narcissistic. It’s frightening from either end of that stick.
Hang in there, stay strong.
Have narc husband and Mom, wondered for years why my attempts at expression and communication were so poorly received and misinterpreted. Now I have strength of knowledge that it is not me. My faith has been a tremendous help.
You are stronger than you know.
You can do it! Will pray for you! ruclips.net/video/ucc9n_TkhD4/видео.html
I'll pray for you 🙏❤️
Serve me, serve me, serve me more. You never do anything. I I I I
Brigid Mahon
Haha sad but true, im an incel, i demand sex.
Lol. Direct quote from my life. Worked until I collapsed, and then, “you never do anything for me, why should I do anything for you. “. Thank God I am FREE!
I paid to fix up every single thing broken in his house AND single handedly painted the entire OUTSIDE of his house AND stained his deck/porch. And after I finally left him he emails me and says "you never follow through on what you say you will do.......where's my cauliflower pizza you promised to make for me?" ????!!!!!!!!!
You must be talking about my husband!
This is a damn perfect description!
your emotional detachment, and self assurance that you are loved, no matter what they say is …. their KRYPTONITE
Narcissists hate boundaries and can't accept "no" as an answer.
Narcissists disregard boundaries. It is work if one is a close relative. Thankfully the narc in my life was a friend - now I'm in no contact, and I am free of the chaos.
Liz Ryan , yes, narcs are never ending horrific drama/trauma who keep pushing your boundaries to feed every need of their own. I think you have to tell them in no uncertain terms it’s over and then block their #. That’s what I did. It’s a relief and I hope it lasts. They’re just dumpers, and want you to make up for their completely irresponsible ways and there would be nothing but trouble in return in an attempt to mask that they are users.
“They’re committed to their own anger” wow!!! Does that sum up their lives. I’ve returned several times this is a slow process for me. Listening over years, I didn’t understand what boundaries were, or how I could SET them, not understanding that the boundaries were my comfort zones, not something they would recognize and comply with. I thought that some of the boundaries would be destructive to a relationship, not understanding that it was about fixing me and my expectations. That they can’t be taught and won’t change. I felt the need to hold on to hope of them changing that it was the only way. Now I understand more but am still learning Thanks!!
Keep learning, Tina, and thanks for having me along on the journey! Dr. C
The boundaries are , get away from them , and stay away from them , PERIOD
Staying with mother about 10 minutes can make me feel like it's the end of the world...watched half way and going to watch again when I have time. Thank you for making it such a serious business.
lin lee
My mom was so narcissistic
It was the end (Scorpio)
of the world (Aquarius)
The 6 keys to setting up boundaries with the narcissist
1. My Uniqueness is ok & inevitable and I will embrace it.
2. Define who you want to be to yourself.
3. Be very open and clear about who you are.
4. Match your behaviour with your beliefs.
5. When challenged don't defend.
6. Practice a certain emotional detachment to the narcissist.
"i'll not let a damaged person take over my decisions".
it's like hitching yourself to a crazy driver on the freeway.
The hitching yourself to a crazy driver is an excellent illustration of what it's like who would do such a thing? We would! Lol!
Something I've noticed about my family is that they all shut down verbally when we're around the narcissist family member. He's the one that talks over everyone.
Rachel Pianogirl yes!!!!!
Another great video.
I made the mistake you mentioned of trying to alter my behavior to "get along" with this type of person. I then made an explicit effort to talk to them about our relationship and determine a course of action. As you would expect this got me nowhere.
What I can say is nothing is going to be good enough for them. Nothing is their responsibility. No matter what you do it will not be enough. This is just where they want someone.
My take-aways are:
1. Don't feel bad if they get upset. They will always be upset. Know that.
2. Don't expect anything from them. They don't care how you feel or what you think.
3. Don't look to lay blame or have them accept responsibility. They will never see anything as their fault.
4. Use your own feelings as your compass. Go in the direction YOU feel is best for YOU.
The best thing I ever heard from her was "I don't owe you anything." after running me around for a year. While I originally felt this was a way to avoid responsibility I learned it was true. It was only myself that held me there. It was my choices to go along with made me unhappy. This provided me the opportunity to tell myself "no more". She doesn't owe me, I don't owe her. If I don't owe her then there is no reason for me to sacrifice my time, energy and care on what she thinks. It was the beginning of the end for our interaction and the beginning of my healing.
I forget why I said no to her one day, but my sister had a shocked face and yelled, "after all I've done for you and your family?!" I got up and left actually asking myself what is she talking about. I asked my husband if she ever did anything for us, he said "besides giving us grief, no."
@Unspeakable Truth I understand your post and agree with your sentiment. I will counter what you said by stating that there comes a point when someone is unhappy in the relationship. From this point of being unhappy there is the choice to remove yourself from the relationship. It can range to being extremely difficult due to financial concerns or because of child custody which keeps people interacting.
My opinion on this unhappiness is that once a person decides they are unhappy it is only that person which can resolve the issue. As you said, the narcissist will not "agree" with you (unless they have an ulterior motive such as lessening the stress to keep you around) and they will not make changes to reconcile the issue. The only option being leaving the relationship.
I did come to terms with this understanding through a couple years of contact (off and on) and kicked myself because I knew at that time I had numerous opportunities to have left for whatever reason I wanted to remove this unhappiness from my life. It was the deception from the narcissist which made my unhappiness but it was my desire to explicitly blame them and get a resolution from them which kept me there. It was not until I realized that I was figuratively shouting at a wall and arguing with my own echo that I saw the waste of time it was. I understood that attempting to deal with this person in any way was only keeping me in their orbit. I had to cut ties completely and give up any desire to hear words of apology and explanation before I was rid of this.
So my posting those points is to help people understand that if they are unhappy, that is the issue. Don't focus so much on laying blame. People should do what they can to fix issues but the true frustration and anger comes from going through those steps and only seeing the narcissist as being smug and controlling.
I suppose it is an attempt to have people in this position take a moment of calm to reassess their situation and hopefully make a clean break earlier than later and not waste extra time after the failure chasing closure.
Andrew Boehmer very well said
Nancy Fahey lol he’s a keeper
I am continually impressed by the level of intelligence represented here by the narcissist's victims. They have us feeling small and not powerful. Just the opposite is true. That's why they picked us. Thank you for your insight; this comment was enlightening.
Wow. "You exist to make me happy" - that was my childhood and much of my adult life (Narc dad.) Finally took control of my life and ended up cutting him out of my life. I grew up thinking I was responsible for everyone's happiness. And I nearly killed myself trying. Now I'm free of that mindset. Best feeling ever!
L Cook I also have a narc dad, it’s incredibly painful, I’m getting there though I’m 28 now and finally getting some control back. X
Good for you!👍
They love to keep the boundaries undefined so they can capitalize and take more of your share.
Thank you so much.
If feel like a selfish jerk, if I don't do everything she wants, the way she wants, including mind reading. This manipulating behavior has made my loose myself completely, without realizing it.
The mind-reading thing should be a kill switch to protect your own sanity. The problem with second-guessing someone's intent surely can drive you nuts, especially when you have no way to figure out _how_ to read that person - which, by definition, is impossible with a narcissist.
So when someone wants to force you to participate in the mind.-reading game, immediately shut down communication with that person. It's absolutely not worth it.
Yes, it is not limited to males, some women are just as bad.
Please leave her
Dr les ❤️❤️❤️
The 6 keys are
No contact
No contact
No contact
No contact
No contact
And ......
No contact
That is unrealistic for everone.
Claire Claire
It was the only way
Claire Claire very painful 😣
@@graceandfaith869 Not really. The longer you're involved with one, the less and less you'll care about them. Believe me. Distance is the only thing that works.
Katherine Burbott
I agree
Cut them out as if they were cancer
The narcissist is not human
The most important part is at 11:00. Be strong; do not take responsibility for another's feelings. If they are unhappy with you having your own life and opinions, that's on them. Don't carry that for them.
I often wonder why narcissists dont have any shame/awareness of what they do to people no matter how much damage they cause to others. Thank you again for another helpful video. Best wishes
What we do to others are usually what we do to ourselves. They live in fear 24/7/365, they believe that living in fear is normal. So they think that a person who is not living in fear is "abnormal and ridiculous". They think they're trying to "save" you.
Danny Yu that was very insightfully put...
+Danny Yu it seems a very strange way of expressing fear. They are so aggressive, brazen, intrusive, entitled, bossy, shameless, insensitive, unempathic, 'male', manipulative, fearless.......??
@@mghodsian2827 The intrusive and disrespectful things they tell others are usually the same things they tell themselves. If a person constant talk shit to him/herself, of course he/she will be living in fear. Anger is what they use to cover up fear.
+Danny Yu thank you for your reply. I am hoping Dr Carter might cast some light on this. I have a hard time accepting the narcissists i know thinking badly of themselves. They cause so much damage to others & come over as if they are perfect & full of confidence. Hard to believe its all a front (?)
When I was a kid they called them " Energy Vampires " They were known to walk into the room and you would feel exhausted, drained.
"To thine own self be true", for a Narcissist is not content simply living their life, they will have yours, too.
Raised by a narcissist. My childhood was horrible. Being physically, emotionally, sexually and verbally abused for many years. All hope had left in my life. I would beg God to take my life everyday. In 2011 i was diagnosed with bipolar, depression, anxiety, PTSD and BPD. My life was a mess! 2013 my depression got so bad I had to leave my job. I lost everything. Marriage, house, cars, etc. I had never felt so much pain in my life. I then begin to take a lot of things out on people because I wanted them to understand what I was going through. No one could take it anymore. In 2018 I ended up on the streets and in the shelter. I had no one. My children just could not take anymore of our toxic family relationship between me an my mom. They were just that fed up and being in the middle of our crazy behavior. So they all left. And that's when my eyes opened. All my babies were gone and said enough is enough!! My God Jesus the pain, I can't even say the words of how empty and low I had felt. I looked and realized that I didn't even take the time to see that my children where in this pain with me. And they had been abused too. 40 years of my life I spent focusing on just me and complaining the entire time. 2018 rocked my foundation of everything. I ended up in a mental hospital for 13 days. I felt abandoned and never been so scared in all my life. I asked God, why is this happening to me!?!?! I told Him if this is the only reason I'm here then just me die. I had become very angry and wanted to stay to myself all the time cursing the very day I was born. You see, I didn't know Gods plan. Life comes with a sacrifice. God had to kill the old me so the new one could live. God made me look at myself and take responsibility for my actions in it all. In order for me to do that I had to know that I cannot change anyone but MYSELF!! Now my children and I are being a healthy family. The way God intended. i apologized to all my children and researching every bit of information I can get to better person and heal from my childhood. As for my mom and I. I have went no contact and it has been three years now. I am free and I am my own person. I have every right to be me and so should everyone else. I pray for anyone who is dealing with abuse from narcissistic people. You are loved and don't believe the lies that they are telling you!!!! You are God's child and He loves you with all His heart. Please take care and be bless.
Thanks, I felt every word. My heart beats for your story.💓
You are free!!!😇
I love it!♥️
been there too....💌
🐛🦋🌈🌟💫💞💕
Excellent post. I’m glad you’re free! I just got free of narc mum a couple of days ago. Your story gives me inspiration. 🌺🌿🌷
@@1DaTJo You are most welcome love. You are a blessed🦄 🙌🌷🌺 🕊 Its your turn to fly and show your wings to the world!! I am so very very happy for you. Your FREE🕊
@@RealLadi228 I thank and appreciate you so very much. Blessing to you always love 👑🙏🤗🌷🌺❤💖
Years ago I escaped a relationship with a very violent narcissistic abuser. I was thinking it may be helpful for others watching these videos to have instruction on how to cope with an abuser's rage episode. Narcissist rage is one of the scariest things you can be subjected to and can be a tool used by the narcissist to impose his or her will on someone else.
Yes awareness...strong boundaries...following gut feeling and intuition...
So true, always listen to your gut/intuition. That's God speaking to us!
Following previous histories as in previous broken boundaries, no apologies ever, in fact it's always your fault because the narc is always right, and "if you weren't so messed up and confused (gas lighting) things would be fine" ... a few of these experiences and it's time to go.
Golden advice, as always! I am going to watch this one a couple of times--even take notes! On a humorous note, my narc father used to be so obnoxious to servers in restaurants (we have since quit going out with him) that we would have to snag the server in private and tell him/her that he was *that way* because of a head problem. We would then give them a generous tip for putting up with him. I figure it prevented our food being spit on.
That's sad and funny. I've been a waiter and you learn that there are these people who have to totally play run the waiter. And you do. Usually they are just domineering and they feel bad about it, and express appreciation. Other times they are just plain jerks. I wind up feeling bad for their companions and I always worked hard for those tables because I want the person's companions to have a good experience. I knew many waiters, and it was a comfort I never saw or heard of one spitting on food while I was in thus job which is a comfort I can pass along. Lucky no one has time. It's always appreciated when someone tips well and no matter how crazy the shift was, the money you take home in your apron is so appreciated!
Yes, sad, but you made me laugh. I was told by a business person in my hometown that you don’t know your place until you’ve been put in your place by my mother. Sad, but pretty funny.
Oh my! My narc Mother in Law is the same. She can be very straightforward and rude to the waiters. I feel very embarrassed by her attitude.
Thank you so much for your advice. I have had so many narcissists in my life, I attract them like flies to sugar, but now I know what is going on and can recognize them. I feel empowered.
Linda Eskridge Same here. I am a empath and a Pisces. Now that I got help after a Narcissist (overt in your face after the love bombing stage) husband now X - I don't attract them like that anymore. Still trying to get the Narcissist (covert - the worse kind I think) landlord out my life! Have to move.
I am the same. ....I have barely any money and have been this way for years -harassment and bullying by narcissists in the workplace. ...It has been devastating more than once and has more than once nearly pushed me over the edge.
One thing that I am trying to wake up to (and there are many) is that their behaviour towards me is really almost all about them and their inability to tolerate any level of conflict/clash with another person. ...For years, I made the mistake of holding onto an erroneous outlook that really was a relic of the past and past situations -and holding onto it only meant that I was underestimating my self and allowing what are low acting and more underdeveloped types through my boundaries.
I have to wonder in fact whether this is not what happens to MANY victims ...and that, sadly, their better self awareness leaves them open to abuse from those with barely any self awarness (or empathy).
A sense of shame is also a part. And i believe that one's family plays a major part in instilling and maintaining a shaming sort of outlook (an all or nothing approach). One's family really is the ideal conditioning environment -where it takes years to undo all of the incorrect programming.
One that I have been trying to work on, is the punitive eye-for-an-eye approach to correcting a person who has done wrong. ...This is the all-or-nothing approach in my family, and it sets it up so that "the head of the family" is just the biggest bully, and the one of lower status (i.e. youngest and most often female) is put into the position of Parent -only with all the duties and none of the priviliges. A lose-lose position, where the best outcome is merely that one undoes damage done.
It is really a sink or swim, horrible place to be forced into.
And the worst part I think is all the brainwashing and bullying by others whereby none of them seem to be able to identify that it is wrong to be treated in such a way. ...Again, the parental role is dumped onto the youngest to deal with alone. And should they fail to undo any of the damage done, then there is years of further abuse from narcissists inside and outside of the family.
In my situation, it feels like everytime I try to create independence for my self, I encounter these emotional abusers trying to cut me off wherever and whenever they can.
They like to create the illusion that the world revolves around them and their grossly distorted egoccentric agenda.
A very hard obstacle to get past is the sheer level of RAGE and aggression that they direct one's way - being the receptacle for all THEIR dysfunction and self-loathing is a heavy burden to bare. One really has to be VERY strong minded in order to brush it off and not let it undermine or wound you. And this can take time to achieve, especially if one has grown up surrounded by this negative reinforcement.
It sucks, to say the least.
I really want a holiday. Hope I can make money to go on one soon...
Linda Eskridge
I just got out of a hidden relationship with one. They love Aquarius because of our empathic and emotional intelligence. Of course they hide and show off the Aquarius, because Aquarius a sign borne to destroy and destabilize narcs.
Learn why you attract them , it will help you in a big way !!! Happy healing !
I think I can say otherwise , my late Boss and my ex , both were Aquarius , just one was overt and another one covert Narc. Life lesson learnt big way ... must say covert was damn hard to recognise , I was in denial for a very long time .
I have absolutely stopped ALL conversation, text, email, with my narc. Done. It’s very hard, as they have an incredible ability to taunt. Some days, I have to put down the devise, and leave the room. However, I’m always glad later. The Narc gets nowhere. I keep my sanity.
when I started telling my narcissistic mother not to speak to me in that way thats when she started scheming on how to get rid of me and she has! I wasnt aggressive I just kept saying dont treat me this way do not speak to me this way you do not speak to so and so like that why me? When I started doing that I was gone in her eyes
narcissists cant stand when u demand respect
Thank you so much Dr. Carter for doing these videos. How I wish I had found you sooner.
Basically we must change US, not them!
We must change the way we react to them.
We must be always on guard with a gun in our hand not to be used or abused !
We must turn ourselves into teachers,nurses,mothers and disciplinarians.
Not friends or lovers or companions or true spouses.
How sad, never to trust someone completely.
How painful not to be able to love someone with total abbandon 😑
In a nut shell, you've hit it on the head. That's exactly where the sadness comes from... it's not a real relationship, there's no reciprocation of the tender loving care.
@@southernette6750
Imperfect people require imperfect conditions
But is it worth it?
I say no
At least not for me
Too much disappointment
Tricks when you least expect them, betrayals, sudden rejections and sudden returns, crossing of boundaries of decencies, etch...
@@angelabender8132 yep
Well that was the comment that hit home for the week.
After 40 years with a narcissist wife, I have been robbed of everyone and everything in my life. All I have left is me, and that is as good a place as any to begin rebuilding myself and reclaiming what I lost.
I'm told how I'm going to feel. I've started deflecting those comments. " You're going to be mad"... "You'd just get pissed.." I do not allow him to tell ME my FEELINGS. . I tell him, if you know what I'm going to think or feel, why am I here? You don't need a partner or a wife, you need a mirror.
Exactly.
Ha! I thought the same ..
He'd end up pissing off the robot as well. Mirror is good for him..
@Unspeakable Truth I'm on it. I've been studying narcissism for over a year. I could teach a class.
Narcissism is an epidemic these days - you have to deal with overbearing and controlling people at work - with friends - family and neighbors - even just driving down the street - so thank you for helping people develop skills to help deal with it
Hi Dr. Carter. I've been baffled for years by what I call "The Hypnosis" that I'm under - my inability to make consequential decisions. I've also been "coming out of the fog" for a while, too, and have been coming to conclusions that "things ain't right." It's such a relief to hear you and have my suspicions validated. Thank you SO MUCH for these videos.
Get out. NO contact. The "fog" can even be deliberately induced to make you feel unconfident, hence indecisive, and easily manipulable. Lawyer for advice??
@@TheMazinoz why a damn lawyer? They dont have a psychology degree. Smh.......
Dr. Carter, can you please consider doing a video on the 'exit plan'.
Information on planning to get the narcissist out of your home. I know every situation is so different, but particularly if the narcissist is in your home and you want to plan and prepare to get them out ... as there are concerns regarding how much time to give them, as you can not trust them, and you may have to be away from home at times for work. Also, the 'telling' them ... the best way to hopefully lessen anger episodes.
The narc in my life is someone I dated in high school briefly. I ran into him right before my elderly mom took a big fall and was hospitalized. I was overwhelmed trying to take care of my job, my mom, my daughter and I was living with my mom so she could come home after rehab. She fell again a week later. The narc moved in to SAVE me and worked on my mom’s house while she was in rehab. Two years later and this guy won’t leave, thinks he owns my house, doesn’t respect any boundaries and has fits of rage if he is questioned about anything. How can I get this unemployed narc moocher to leave? I asked him to leave in July and he said my mom and I were idiots and don’t appreciate anything he does for us. Also said we would have to pay him to leave! He contributes nothing financially and helps himself to anything he wants. Also he says my mom would be dead and I unemployed if he hadn’t moved in to help. After 2 years, I found out I can’t just kick him out. Legally he has a right to stay and all I can do is give him a 30 day eviction. He could do so much damage in 30 days, I’m terrified! My mom feels like a prisoner in her own home. How can I get this narc out of my moms house?
@@janetpattonfoster7136 ... oh I feel for you Janet. I had very similar issues with the narc in my life when my elderly mother was ill, I had full time work, and responsibilities to other family members. They are manipulative leeches. I would like to suggest you talk to a counselor or legal professional, to see what your rights are here. Some legal professionals will offer short free initial sessions. Also, a counselor (like Dr Carter) in your area might have good information to help you. I am in the process of doing some of this myself. And, I feel so much for you ... these are vicious manipulative people you can not trust, and it's such a huge 'event' planning and preparing for how to get them out. But, if he is being aggressive and domineering towards you and your mother, perhaps you might even want to have a discussion with your local police for advice. That's not right and it's not fair ... and my guess is he knows exactly what he's doing.
Exit plan is to make them think it’s their idea. They slip up and give you one
@@janetpattonfoster7136 I would definitely go to the police department, and find out if you can simply change your locks when he's out... And put all his stuff to the curb...
Go and get a POF from the family court. They will come that very day and remove them from your home.
Detachment and boundaries - that’s the ticket! Thank you, very helpful.
After 40 years I finally put my foot down. I didn't try to hurt his feelings or emasculate him. I made it clear that he wasn't going to manipulate or steam roll over me anymore. Guess what, he didn't leave me. Turns out he needs me more than I need him. I am an essential part of his facade of a "happily and successful married man". At this point I am staying in our marriage to enjoy the fruits of OUR labor (not just his). However I am much happier because I now do what I want when I want. Still wish I had figured it out earlier.
OleensEmbroidery that’s what I did too you have to put your foot down have a backbone. I married 36 years to my husband and used to just take all his mess and not say anything but I got tired of hearing If you’d just listen to me , things would be better cause my way is the right way ! Or he’d say my way or the highway and when I stood up to him finally he didn’t leave and he’d blame me for everything that went wrong till I yelled told him I’m sick of being blamed all the time . Now he has his moments but not like before he leaves me alone so that’s the key you gotta stand up to them and mean what you say . If they leave you’ll be okay but when push comes to shove there there all talk .
I'm 56 yrs old. I have found that distance from them with very limited time when needed is the only way. They will bulldoze your boundaries all the time..
You make me smile and understand the situation without feeling bitterness for the narc in my life. Thanks for conveying positivity and tranquillity.
AVOID THEM AT ALL COST......yes Dr Carter made a good point.......what you do and say WILL be used against you ......Its sad for all.....Narcissism = Emotional misers....I prefer emotional abundance.
"Healthy boundaries means you have a very strong self definition for who you are, and you're going to stay with it, and when that other person tries to tell you who you are, it's like 'Sorry, that's not your's to claim.'" ... GOLDEN 👌🏼
I'm narc free for over 18 months and doing great! Getting better at boundary setting. Have had to completely block him even though we have teenagers together. 2 girls aged 11 and 13. It would be so great if you could do a kids friendly version of identifying a narcissist and setting boundaries Carter 😊 These videos have been so helpful! You are the best 👍 I guess when I say kid friendly I mean interchanging intellectual terms for ones that are simpler! And scenarios to parent child rather than romantic relationship! Thanks again!
So...I was a 59 year old manager of a motorcycle dealership, and I let a 30 year old narcissistic Mechanic destroy my life. If only I had found your wisdom earlier. You have enlightened me. Many thanks
My narc is a manager at a motorcycle dealership. Amazing how he hasn't noticed no one at his work likes him. He's constantly trying to tell these guys what to do with their personal lives (not work related). He acts like he has led the most perfect life and can give advice lol
Over the years, a friend of mine would never respect any of my boundaries. She would always become enraged when I set one. I was completely mystified by her behavior until I learned how narcissists hate boundaries. Suddenly everything became crystal clear and I was able to remove myself from that relationship!
The 76 people who clicked the thumbs down button are narcs lol.
Now it's 141 and the number will grow - there'll always be such idiots, such zeros in all walks of life!
There's a consistent 200-250 on Every Video....gotta say, I think they actually subscribed just to dislike all his videos ..gotta admire their determination and commitment...it must be sooo frustrating that they can't stop him from blowing their cover. 🤣
LoL
@CO The only thing anyone truly has power and control over is self... My belief system. Opposite.
Lol that's funny. My ex-abuser was flying to all the channels along with BPD psycopath mother. Sorry lot of garbage if u ask me. 🤭😷
Make sure they (and the people around you who probably have personality disorders themselves) don't guilt you about your boundaries. When I had my boundaries with my narc he was guilting me, and when I'd confide to "family" and "friends", some would guilt me too. After getting out of that relationship and finally finding peace in a healthy relationship I realized not only the person I was with was damaged, but the people I was around were damaged too. That's why I was prone to feeling guilty for having simple boundaries. I hope none of you are in that predicament. It's a miracle I finally found an emotional stable partner.
I found myself losing my sense of self gradually while trying to prevent him from being upset. Snuck up on me then escalated. I realized pushing back and defending myself was not a boundary. I realized I never learned hard boundaries.
You're amazing Dr Carter. Thanks so much for this.
The only way I was able to get myself sorted out was to separate from my narcissistic mother was to completely seperate myself from her. I set some standards with regards to her behaviour and when she didn't meet them I didn't speak to her for a year. I can deal with her thinking she is always right. I can deal with her not approving of me or my behaviour but I will not deal with her abuse. This has enabled us to have a relationship of sorts that is sometimes quite pleasant. It can be difficult, it certainly isn't perfect but it's probably as good as it will get.
AMEN AMEN AMEN
Thank you. I really needed this.
I'm so tired of being angry because of the narcissist. They're so exhausting. They'll never change though. I'm the one taking time to learn about this stuff and I want to become a better person. She never wants that. Her loss.
Your videos provide such a great perspective on this topic. Thank you.
I've discovered this: A narcissist worships their god of me, my, & I. :(
Love your videos, I was married to a narcissist and he became violent. Fast forward 30 years, my son had my goofy personality up until 16, now at 38, married with children, he has become a narc with me, his father, his brother and his sister. We haven't spoke in over 2 years, I broke all attachments because I am an empath and I refuse to be abused by anyone any longer especially from my own child. Thanks for the insight
Omg, it hit me hard when he said that the narcissist says "you're different". Caused me to question myself on a regular basis. He referred to tip toeing, I call it walking on eggshells every other week. "Punishment" by withholding love, affection, among other things. Beginning my journey of a measure of emotional detachment to protect my mental health. Stay steady and true to who I am...
My narc every time he sees me happy and told him I can't change I am a happy person, loving,caring etc.because I know there's nothing inside them positive. I've learned to say no and set boundaries.Thank you so much Dr.Les Carter for helping us.
Loving the freedom of “no contact boundary”with my ex!
I no longer allow myself to feel small because of what you think. I no longer allow my self to apologize for living, and being who I truly am. I no longer allow you to gaslight me. I won't be bothered if you can't respect the boundaries I have put in place. I am healing, and looking past all the "bad" thing you use to keep me held hostage in a prison of your insecurities. I will stand, I will fight, and I will honor my right to simply be.
Such good, clear advice. I found the shock of someone blatantly bulldozing my boundaries was hard to believe. It helps to be prepared to anticipate this. I think the Narcissist is gone....for now. They really do hate the word "No". I have perfected gray rocking. Thanks for your tips there too.
Very good point about embracing who you are. I have dealt with so much anxiety and depression over the years and only until I got away from the narcissist, then all of that went away.
Heidi Aguilar you discovered the secret.
I’m a barista at a coffee house...I have 6 customers that I have identified as a narcissist...some are on the compleat opposite of the spectrum...but their goals are the same...to control and manipulate everyone...one customer plays the pathetic depressant...tries to play on everyone’s sympathy...she’s busy doing nothing other then trying to get others to do her work...she’s always trying to get something for nothing...apologizes all the time...and says...I’m sorry I’m being so difficult...but when she can’t get her way she complains to the boss about her order getting messed up...but in actuality she’s blaming others for her issues...
Another customer comes into the coffee house to argue...but always acts like he’s the nice stand up kinda guy...but in a conversation he is hyper accusational...his comments don’t match up to the conversation...it’s as if he’s not even listening....because what ever you say...he will say...you need to lear how to be a nicer person...your problem is xyz...and my ultra favorite is...you need to focuse on your job...after he’s spent 15 min manipulating my time...
Another lady tells me one week I make better coffee drinks then my boss...the next week she will tell him I’m messing her drinks up...then she acts pissy when I ask her how am I messing her drink up and accuses me of being sensitive...
After researching narcissistic behaviors...My life at work has gotten easier since identifying their manipulation...I’m no longer wasting time trying to make them happy...its not in my power....and I’m not their therapist...
You're onto it! Dr. C
This is very interesting comment. Very insightful, thank you.
.. My well-being, a calm & well-balanced mind. An undisturbed spirit. So when the narcissist comes calling to agitate me, I'll recall what Dr Carter said: "Sorry that's not yours to claim". ❤ Good one,
I'm smiling.
This is amazing...
Thank you
Your tips and insights are very possibly THE most intelligent and helpful advice I've EVER come across on this potentially soul-destroying topic. ...How you managed to attain such insight - is something I am in a slight amount of awe about because I have spent years scraping together insights and still have only so much to keep me motivated and positive. Thank you SO MUCH-! This advice is what I have been searching for for many years...
I've noticed that the narcissists in my life have all been bullies. And they bully because they were bullied as children and they make themselves feel powerful by bulling others. They pass it down. Only the strongest mindset and most emotionally stable person can resist their attacks and walk away unscathed. Just as a wolf goes for the wounded deer, the narcissist seeks out the emotionally vulnerable to attack and bring down. They can't win against the healthy and strong.
Lack of boundaries has been a problem for me my whole life. I am an adult child of alcoholic parents (ACOA) and grew up in a household where there was no safety or security. Functioning alcoholics look good from the outside, but inside the home it is terrifying for a child. Boundaries were never permitted. Establishing them now seems a herculean task, but in order to have any sort of relationship with my son, I need to put boundaries in place. Emotional detachment is something I desperately need to be able to do.
Great. But how do I set boundaries? How? What does one do and say when an intrusive narcissist starts prying with word salad questions? Actually things I can actually do in that situation? While the narcissist intrudes? How do I talk to that person who is asking questions I don't want to answer?
Every session, I feel a bit "cleaner"...After each episode, I feel more myself, less confused, and stronger. Learning is healing here.
So pleased! That's why we're here. Dr. C
Been watching your videos for a while now and finally got the courage and strength to leave my narcissistic husband of 35yrs today! Got a long way to go yet but feeling relieved already. I had always found reasons not to go, mainly financial but it got so bad, I didn’t care. Looking forward to my new lease of life but still scary to think how I’ll manage financially! Anyone else living or lived this?
I was invited to lunch, just yesterday at mom's house. I told her I'd been real busy with Hanukkah but could make it. She'd made some bread, salad and a homemade bean soup. She's gives me this monster bowl of bean soup LOADED with ham. She's know for YEARS that I do not consume pork. I stated that bread and salad would fill me up but wasn't that hungry for soup. She pushed the issue about eating that damn soup. I spoke up and said, "Mom, it does look delicious but I don't eat pork." OMG! She started with the guilt trip about how unappreciative I am and how STUPID my religious convictions are. She then starts her giggling and says, "You are so stupid you wouldn't even know there was pork in that soup." She thought she was going to TRICK ME! I was really on the verge of tears but stepped away from the table and said, "I hope you have a lovely day."...then left. I hope the old cow gets worms from that meat! LOL
No contact would be the best strategy here.
Omg. That is do sad.
I am a vegetarian for fourteen years now. I understand how you feel.
@@OceanSound100 Thank you for saying that. It does mean alot and confirms I am not nuts! I always try to be considerate (maybe to much) of other people. When I invite people to my home for a meal I tell them what I am cooking. Most friends I know well enough to know their restrictions. Have a diabetic friend that I always make consideration for. But she's sweet enough to tell me not to go to all out and brings a dish for all to enjoy. Another friend can't eat salad (Chron's disease) and giggles telling me she would have to sit on my toilet after one bite. No Miss Manners am I but I still am considerate of others. Not worried what people think of me but I treat others as I would want to be treated.
@@robinrosenthal3011 Here is a video you can watch ruclips.net/video/o_pAww9BaEY/видео.html
When my husband retired, he had some weird illnesses that weren’t life threatening but have impacted our life. I get the feeling that he loves the attention-he’ll moan and groan until I say the words he wants to hear. Well, I’ve done what the good doctor said, I’ve emotionally detached. This is hard for me because I’m a people person and love to engage. I look at life asa positive and he looks at life as if everyone is out to get him. I’ve always tried to cheer him up but realize, through these great videos, that my efforts are in vain. Thank you for giving me the insight to make this important change.
I am 50 years old and just figured out that my mother is a narcissist. I've always joked that I was reared on guilt. People have asked me for many years why my mother competes with me rather than be happy for my successes. Today's interaction with her sent me searching for answers. I am grateful to have found this channel! Thank you, Dr. Carter - I've been binging on these videos and will be implementing your suggestions immediately! Karen
Sounds like your mom is in a groove she can't get out of, nut you certainly don't have to jump into the ditch with her. Dr. C
I am so grateful for these videos, and the first thing I learned is that.....I.am not losing my mind! I am not crazy! These people are very very dark mean cruel people.
Once I learned about borderline's I could avoid them and just not get involved.
Dealing with a narcissist, learning about it, I feel like they are everywhere!
Every past partner was a narc!!
Dear God what does that say about me??
I feel the same way...however, knowing this has given me the courage to listen closer to my "inner voice", it normally warns me, but I use to ignore it. Now, I won't any longer...
Narcissists are extremely apt at suckering other people in to their games. First they seem to be very charming and friendly, but once they think that they have pulled you in far enough, they are firing up their mind games.
I've also had the unnerving tendency to find flawed people who I befriended (save for some exceptions), but since I'm attempting to figure out someone's psychograph before opening up, I'm way less prone to that. I guess that that spared me various headaches in the long run.
Thank you so much for you videos, you’re finally helping me make sense of all of this and I appreciate your concise videos. I felt bad about finally creating boundaries. After experiencing what felt like PTSD whenever I had to call my parents, I finally mustered up the courage to sit down with them and tell them that it’s not okay for them to expect me to call them every day and getting criticized when I didn’t. I deliberately used lots of “I” statements because I didn’t want to be lured into an exchange of angry words. That was when my mom decided on the spot that our relationship was irreparable and told me to leave and not come back. Shortly after, my dad got hospitalized and my mom didn’t tell me. I eventually found a roundabout way to try and have some sort of relationship and visited them every 7-10 days for a couple of hours. The last time I was there, I could tell she was starting to be hyper-critical, confronting me about decisions that my husband, kids and I had made about getting a dog. When she subsequently started picking a fight again over how and how often I should be calling. I had to pull the emergency brake and cut off all contact. This is so silly, we moved all the way from the US back here to be closer to our parents and now that I’m a few minutes drive away the entire family has fallen apart. I don’t like this one bit but at the same time my stress level has come way down and no longer riding the emotional roller coaster which makes me a better wife and mom to my children. Please keep posting, your videos are ever so helpful.
Hamburg
i got CPTSD from mine at 5 because she abandoned me.
Dr. Carter, thank you for sharing self preservation and repair when dealing with a narcissist. 🙏🏼
All of this advice can be used in any relationship . Even if we aren't dealing with a true narcissist. It's great in general for just learning to be emotionally healthy.
This is a little off subject kinda.. imo, If everyone looked at our government as a HUGE narcissist, they'd have an Ah Ha moment!
Been watching this over and over just to get the points and may be am distracted. Setting boundaries with narcs is a nightmare. When you think youve succeeded in one area they poke you somewhere else, what a horrid nature of a person. They practicaly force one to agree with them and av been forever opposed but did have the right tools coz I would breakdown at their painful persistance. I did all the serving the, making the look good and all and was getting nothing in return and if I had to get something I was paying with my own blood. Anyway with the information am getting its helping me to take charge peaceful nomatter how much am provoked. Thanks am getting helped with every discussion.
Love all your advise and tips. They really work. I have two inlaws and one parent...that fit the bill. It works it works. Cant wait to watch this.. for maintenance.
Any other resources you've come across that have helped you +Christine Miller?
@@briannemorgan1 Random ppl on RUclips, but non specifically. After all the other channels I watched on Narcissistic behavior, this is the only one I now listen to and subbed.
Imagine having a spouse like that. Goodness. I never knew about these things. I was convinced that it's all my fault.
@@theforeigner6988 It isnt!!
@BeMore I subscribe to Richard Grannon
This is what you've helped me to understand, he will never change, this is it! The only way he can be. I am free from his demands and abuse 💜
Thank you, Dr. Carter. This video kind of describes how my life has been for many years. I lived for those beautiful days, when the sun was shining and I was loved, but those days were few and far between. The negativity and continual, constant criticism was an ongoing event that adversely affected my self confidence, making a typically happy and well balanced woman a very sad one. When you truly love someone, you love even the sad, broken parts of that person. You support that person’s hopes and dreams. But, sadly the narcissist can’t give that same love and care back to you.
I spent $3,500.00 to have a privacy fence installed to keep my boundary challenged narc neighbor in his yard. I told him that he was the whole reason for the fence. That was over 7 years ago and I heard recently through a mutual friend that he still hates that fence with a passion, which tells me that the fence can never come down.
😆 😆 😆
I didn't even know what a narcissist was until I got stuck dealing with one, thank you for these videos, the tools to get out of the control of a narcissist, they really take away what makes you, you, leaving you feeling angry. They go on about how you deceived them when the narcissist was the deceitful one.
Lost a couple years (following a 5 year relationship) of my life repeatedly getting back with a girl seemingly, when her ego dropped, only for her to immediately become distant and aloof as soon as she had me back. Very difficult for me to move on now, She's pretty much dismissive of our time together. Blamed myself a lot initially about problems in the earlier years, still don't know to what level she was deliberately manipulating, or whether she couldn't control her emotions. Still have a lot of both affection and anger over this. Your videos, your tone are very helpful, Thanks Les.
Some “narcissist “ are just young and not real developed yet so these same principles apply to self care and setting healthy boundaries.
I’m sure we all can look back at our younger self and see how much we’ve grown.
Yes...research backs up what you say! Dr. C