Truth is your best friend if you're TOO agreeable. Nothing wrong with being agreeable, but being too agreeable means you're not being honest somewhere.
@@ZeroOne46 nah your still compromising just be true to yourself have integrity. Never bend your values for nobody regardless of who they are. Be authentic
@@iamzay4938 it's also compromising of values if you're disagreeing just to be disagreeable. That's also just as dishonest as being agreeable for the sake of keeping the "peace." But being agreeable out of sincerity is not dishonest. We can agree on a lot of stuff, just not everything. It also depends on the company you keep. Two people with completely different set of values can't walk together in peace, or else one isn't being honest. But two who agree, can walk together. They'll agree on a lot because they'll have a lot in common. There's nothing wrong with being agreeable IF you're sincere, and know where your boundaries lie, and not afraid to keep behind it. It's about sincerity more than anything else. I agree with my wife on a lot of stuff, but when I don't, she knows. I'm not going to disagree just to be different or disagreeble. That would be silly. But that's just me! Maybe I just understand the concept in a different way.
I hope this helps...“Tolerance is an attitude of reasoned patience toward evil … a forbearance that restrains us from showing anger or inflicting punishment. Tolerance applies only to persons … never to truth. Tolerance applies to the erring, intolerance to the error … Architects are as intolerant about sand as foundations for skyscrapers as doctors are intolerant about germs in the laboratory. Tolerance does not apply to truth or principles. About these things we must be intolerant, and for this kind of intolerance, so much needed to rouse us from sentimental gush, I make a plea. Intolerance of this kind is the foundation of all stability.” ― Fulton J. Sheen
I’ve learned the trick is to NEVER START OUT AGREEABLE. It will only make it impossible to EVER push back without being perceived and told “you have changed”, “got mean”, etc. You virtually cannot reclaim your personal sovereignty once you have voluntarily surrendered it. I got assertiveness help and changed jobs. It was very difficult to not back slide into my natural people pleasing personality, BUT it was worth it in every way.
@aleagria03 That's great to hear ! 🤗 Myself, I too was passive-aggressive and lacked assertion most times. Wasn't until a mousy friend who lacked total assertion, that I realized this weak flaw of mine. When she said, "I don't lash out." that I realized how important it is to be assertive, yet remain respectful. She is 60 and still a Wallflower to this day ! Am humbly grateful that I finally fixed this weakness ! Congratulations to both of us !! 💓🤗
I feel like this is exactly my problem, especially in my family. Like I always used to agree with everyone and everything because I wanted people to like me, I never thought for myself and now that I am anything I say is controversial and people are quick to be offended and put me in a box and not even listen to what I have to say. It's like my family is always trying to correct me no matter if I'm right or wrong in a condescending way I can't quite put my finger on, as if I'm a child even though I'm the 2nd oldest. It even feels wrong in a way for making this comment because its only recently where I've began to think for myself so im not sure if I'm in the wrong since I always used to chase validation from my family. I don't know how to explain it but I just know for a fact that my family don't actually respect me and if I say it out loud no one will respect me or believe me ans just brand me as being dramatic. (sorry I just made that about myself but i'm serious need of a different perspective here)
1) Figure out what you want 2) formulate that aka speak the truth which can lead to conflict so it takes courage to do that 3) become friends with your critical intelligence that you have become to be ashamed of so to not hurt others
I try to have some disagreeable friends who are good company as they will tell you exactly show how you are gullible and help you, if they are really your friend, and show you how to be assertive. It has helped me out a lot! When you maintain a good balance between the two doors just open up!
My advice to those striving to become more disagreeable: Give up the vices. This can range from substances to behavior. ANYTHING you know you shouldn’t be doing must go. Alcohol was my problem and when I learned how to say NO, I took control of the wheel again. I learned how to say no to the bars with friends, no to eating unhealthy foods, and no to quitting on workouts. You must learn how to say no to yourself before you can say it to other people.
For me, it is a fear of not being accepted or liked by my peers, therefore i would rather be agreeable and universally liked. The problem with this is that when you are overly agreeable, the people who “like you” or “accept you” will subconsciously not see much value in you because you are putting other peoples feelings over your own. It’s better to have 5 friends who truly respect you and your feelings than have 100 friends who don’t see your value.
💯. Say fuck these people, and practice self love and improvement and a stronger ego and self identity and protect it at all costs. Take anger to break free! Controlled anger channeled into motivation
Disagreements are normal. People will value you more if you aren’t afraid to speak up for what you believe in. Don’t let people mentally bully you into thinking that their opinion is more valuable than yours.
I've never thought much about the downsides of being so agreeable, until very recently when I started my first job. If something doesn't change I can easily see myself falling behind and not being able to compete to progress in my career. It's a really hard pill to swallow but listening to Jordan Peterson on the various reasons women earn less have helped me to pinpoint what's holding me back. Empowering stuff!
Actually it’s all about service to others and taking care of yourself. These two things are not incoherent. You need to take care of yourself and your needs properly so that you can serve others and take care of others. It has to be a giving mindset; otherwise it can be very dangerous. Then we start playing with ego and selfishness. So for example you gotta make that money so you can help the ones in need, you gotta sleep properly so you can help the ones who can’t sleep and so on.
I have one simple trick. Just think in this way: everyone takes care of themselves, thus you should take care of yourself too. Agreeable people thinks that they should help people or at least shouldn't take advantage of others. This is the kind of mindset that holds them back from interacting with other people fairly.
Agreed that we should regard everyone else as independent, and 'self-accountable', though dunno that desiring to help others necessarily interferes with interacting 'fairly'. Otherwise life amounts to little more than self-absorbed narcissism, and we wouldn't have _anyone_ in the 'helping' fields. “The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.” - Albert Schweitzer.
@@mingonmongo1if a person naturally is agreeable you won’t make them narcissistic with this advice. Only already disagreeable people become narcissistic when encouraged to be more assertive.
In Spain decades ago a great grandmother lived next door. I got to know her some. She knew she was fairly soon about to pass on. I asked her what she had learned what she would change. She answered ‘ I wish I had fought more. Often I knew what was rt. I wish I had fought more’ Her son wd come by every so often. He was also my landlord. He was rude to his mother, in front of me. And he tried to cheat me on the rent. I left the place. I missed that old , lonely woman when I did-long since dead now.
This insight really helped me as a 25 year old, usually agreeable female in the software field. I realised I won't get what I need/want if I don't speak up. It took a lot of guts to start doing that and knowing how to do it respectfully at the same time.
@@xxxViceroyxxx I read this and I sighed immediately, come on... just because someone (male or female) is attractive doesn't mean they have life on a silver platter. Your parents don't care about that if they are sociopaths
For an agreeable person the shadow side, unacceptable and repressed aspects of personality, likely need to be taken more into account. I'm not sure if I'm agreeable by nature but I was too agreeable. Connecting with the parts of myself I felt guilty about, including as Jordan mentioned intuitive thoughts that weren't 'nice', was a huge game changer for me. I had more power, more to say, less resentment and better communication. I did his authoring suite around that time and it really helped but was part of many things.
I have been so agreeable through out my life and it has served me well for a long time. The last 2 years have been hell and it was a direct result of my agreeable temperament. After I watched and read books from JP I have tried to hard to do the small things he talks about, my life is changing for the better… but when I’m being disagreeable, I literally have to give myself some pep talks, it’s truly uncomfortable. How long does it take to feel not horrible about it?
I dont believe every person is either one or the other. I am a mother of 6 and a wife to an amazing husband. I love to serve them, nurture them, care for them. I tend to be very selfless with my children and husband. However , I believe most people who interact with me would label me as a disagreeable person because I change based on the circumstances. I have no problem with confrontation, assertiveness, and taking leadership ect. And it's because of my family. My husband is very agreeable in personality and will give and give and give even at our expense. Hes easily taken advantage of so usually i am the one that has to communicate with people and confront them in sometimes uncomfortable ways. I do this because of my territorial feelings towards my family and my love and care for them. Because prioritizing their well being and safety doesn't end with them, but it also means standing up for my family and guarding them. I think in the house I am very agreeable. Outside of the house I am not. It's interesting to think about.
Im watching this video because there is a toxic narrative going around in the world, that kindness equals weakness. It's a fallacy, it's a stupid and toxic narrative. A person can be kind and assertive. I'm rather upset right now (I came here for therapeutic reasons) because for the thousandth time I was told by an acquaintance that I deserve to be abused because I'm kind. Kind is weak. I have been listening to her talk about herself for 5 hours and I've happily given her only my sympathy and encouragement. No problem. When I mentioned that I've been abused quite a few times myself, she said those things about me deserving abuse. Attracting it with my kind energy (simultaneously using the words "weakness" and "kindness" as if it were the same word). I told her that I am making an intelligent choice to be kind. It's certainly not a stupid one and it's not a weakness. She said that it's evidently not an intelligent choice to be kind, otherwise I would never have been abused. Excuse me? Firstly, it's an assumption without facts. Secondly, we are always choosing between right and wrong. Any day, I can choose to be mean and petty, but I'm not, because I know the consequences of being mean and petty. I've been kind to her. Would she prefer that I treated her with disrespect? Being nasty, cruel, impolite, selfish, exploitative? Is that better? Would that make me less deserving of abuse? If it's true that some people LIKE to abuse people who happen to be kind: it doesn't justify it. You cannot claim that someone should change their character or energetic aura just to stop being a target. I know that is *not* what Jordan Peterson is saying at all. I'm just arguing against an idea that is common in the world. Kind people have rights. And timid people have rights, even though it's not the same thing to be nice and timid, but nonetheless, both have rights. And it's not justified to abuse someone who is "nice". They are making the choice to be nice to you. Why are you not making the same choice for them? Anyway. Having said that, it's great to have a strategy of how to talk to disagreeable people. But, that does not mean that having a persona that is soft and feminine or kind (man or woman) equals weakness and it does not mean that they should change. I hate people who talk down to me. They're out the door. Strangely they assume that I'll continue to be kind to them even after they say these degrading things to me. Absolutely not. I'm not giving my time to such people again
Kindness with courage is often overlooked. Sometimes kindness is constructive criticism. It could even look like assuming authority when leadership is lacking. The difference your freind sees is between active and passive behaviors. They might mistake passivity for kindness and find those people frustrating. Knowing that this person cares about actions, you could turn it around and ask how many times they have seen their strategy work. Maybe have them define what "it works" even means. It sounds like they had a pretty solid opinion on this issue, so demanding they find their own evidence for it will probably make them a little uncomfortable. At the very least they are no longer arguing against your perception and must face their beliefs head on. Ironically, they may feel very timid about addressing their own opinions.
Telling someone who is naturally agreeable that they need to be more mean is the worst advise you can give them. Your friend is not only overlooking the opportunities to capitalize on being an agreeable person (attaining managerial/supervisor positions, having better standing with your friends and family, etc), The fundamental issue isn't kindness, it's being excessively high in trait agreeableness that makes it more likely that somebody can manipulate/take advantage of you. As long as you're aware of when people are trying to take advantage of you and you don't allow it, then there's no issue really.
Your friend doesn't sound like a very nuanced thinker if she thinks being kind and weak are the same thing. And not saying you should necessarily cut ties, but I'd question being friends with a person who believes such a thing. What kind of friend tells you that you DESERVED to be abused?
This is so true about critical intelligence.So many projects I worked on teams where ppl were not walking their talk. And when I spoke my views, constantly told I was a pessimist. Until the issue came to the front and literally shocked ppl. Enough said.. I left that company, which later closed down..
I'm a man raised by women. And I developed a mindset pretty much spot on with what he's describing. My recent breakup brought all of this into focus. My ex had a very negative aura around her during the tail end of our relationship. I always picked up on it but I usually feigned ignorance because I felt bad about doubting and questioning her. Turns out she was lying about our finances to the point where I'm still recovering from it today. I've been wrong about people before so I tend to be disproportionaly trusting even when I shouldn't. But trusting your own gut and putting yourself first hads it's own learning curve. Hopefully it will never happen again.
I believe since covid started and now almost 2 years later I am more unagreeable and assertive. If I can take away anything good about this time is it made me more disagreeable because being agreeable just makes you weak and a follower. As well assertive as I stand by my beliefs I won't let anything get in my way
This is one of the best bits of advice and presented very well. However it is sad that no matter how renowned and qualified JP is, and how universally sound this advice is, there's the problem of pathological narcissists & dark personalities - who tend to over-represent positions where you NEED to negotiate, where they will attempt to destroy you for not being agreeable to them.
Yes thats true but you have to try anyway because not everyone is narcissistic and dark. Some are just plain more disagreeable than you. And only if you try is how you’ll know to find the balance.
However, there is one important consideration here that commonly gets overlooked. Positions in a place of work at some time will have a "stopping" point for someone who is growing their career. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people wanting their employer to contort into something they aren't in order to fulfill the employee's need and when the employer declines the employee stays and becomes embittered. You must be attentive to that voice that tells you it's time to go, you want to transition maybe 9-12 months prior to cresting the top of the bell curve. Doing this will ensure you transition from your current one to the next both sharp and hungry.
Great advice about knowing what you want, then you'll know when you're being trampled on. When you start to push back, de-personalize it, keep emotions out of the equation.
"I think woman are agreeable because it helps them deal with infants". Interesting theory I guess, but I always thought it was simply a survival mecanism in a world where at least 50% of the population is physically stronger than you and can beat you up if you piss them off.
I don’t necessarily think that makes sense, though I understand where you’re coming from. Do shorter men have a tendency to be more agreeable that tall men? The infamous “Napoleon complex” comes to kind here, I don’t think physicality is a major factor in ones psychological attributes.
I think a big part of it is also social evolution. The way things are and the way people are perceived, it makes sense that women would be more agreeable generally
@@rudeboyjim2684 BUt it makes perfect sense. No shorter men don't HAVE to be more agreeable than short men. But as Jordan himself said when speaking about handling "crazy women" with guys there is a clear path in heated discourse. We disagree, voices are raised, pushing and shoving ensues and then all out brawl. This possibility looms over every interaction between men at least subconcsiouly. What you aren't considering is men with Napoleon complex ASSUME the risk that one day they might catch an ass whooping. He isn't excluded from that possibility for being a short man. No he is a short man that can very easily talk himself into an ass whooping. These disagreements are also not entirely absent from the workplace albeit more rare. Heck this even happens with my older brother. I can't talk endless shit to him. There is a point where through his words or actions he will remind me of a looming possibility of violence that will not have a good end result for me. And that's my brother.... "I don’t think physicality is a major factor in ones psychological attributes." Ok go on and watch an episode of Mike Tyson's podcast and watch grown ment completely temper how they speak because it's Mike Tyson. As a man, knowing how to temper your communication based on who is in front of you is not a choice. It is survival. If you never learnt this it means that you have never really been around dangerous people.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 I'm sorry...what???? What are you arguing. Ive seen succession and gangster movies. What is your POINT? Alot of stuff happens in succession how am i meant to know what you are talking about?
Honesty is not common in people. Honesty, with oneself, w others, takes courage. Honesty can be found. It needs to be practiced. Practice telling the truth. Just be truthful. Things get more simple right away. I think the most important virtue of all is honesty, and honesty subsumes courage. It will come, if you are self-aware, if you practice
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I learned to be very frightened of authority. Much later, I worked 12 years with a bunch of bullying female corporate lawyers who had no clue whatsoever how to effectively manage their staff. I was terrified to stand up for myself for fear of losing my job. The office environment consisted of mostly women, was cliquey and toxic, and most staff were afraid to go to HR. There was a whistleblower telephone line in place for staff to speak with (apparently) outside consultants - in reality, were employed directly by the company... the women I spoke with there brushed off my concerns as if they were unimportant. My boss got away with shouting at me unjustified accusations due to my personal fear of telling HR the truth. I've since changed careers and continue to work on myself with the help of a good manager.
I think she needs to read books on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Most people on this planet have had less than ideal childhoods. It's in the early years that we learn how to cope with bad parents: Angry, Controlling, Overly Critical, Negligent, Abusive, etc. It's not just the culture of men versus women and their roles, it's much to do with totally dysfunctional parents, and the bad example they set. I'm met plenty of very assertive and disagreeable women, they were total bitches, trying to take advantage of my good nature and kind heart. Please, whoever wrote this question, learn about complex Ptsd, it is for all sexes. You have to learn to take yourself very seriously, forget all the crap about goals, wants, desires, yes, it is important, but it is only surface bubbles. Your core is more than your goals and desires. It is you. When you want to say no, say no. I've heard a psychologist say on RUclips: Some children are born with more empathy than others. So, for children who have naturally more empathy, they need to be taught boundaries and how to take care of themselves. For children who are born with less empathy, they need to learn how to take the focus of themselves, and care more about others. Sounds like this lady needs to learn how to first have empathy for herself.
I just got into a huge fight with the president of my company. The place is a sinking ship, and we keep losing good people because they want to run “lean and mean,” and it’s becomes so mean for the overwhelmed lower level employees that they’re leaving. When we express that we’re overwhelmed with work, they hire a new VP or Exec to tell the lower levels employees what to do. Then they lie to my face that they don’t have the money to hire someone to help us. I know they don’t respect me as much as I deserve simply because I’m a girl and it’s a male dominated industry. They’ve yelled at me just for speaking about what they told me to in meetings. I notice I always have to say things twice, because they don’t bother to listen the first time. I’m tire of it, but it happens everywhere I go because it’s the same industry. I tend to be a very agreeable, hard working person who just wants to do a good job with whatever I’m doing, but these guys don’t respect agreeableness, and they disrespect me. I don’t know that women with women would be any better, though.
In my experience, just as a regular young adult person who's tried to be assertive, with family, partners, roommates, bosses, teachers, friends etc. I have been told I'm intimidating, blunt, and often sometimes called rude. It's really confusing. Because the other half of the time, I'm told I'm being Mousy, or need to speak up for myself more. By peers, friends, family. My personality ranks(according to Jordan's provided online model) moderate high in agreeableness, but very high in neurotic, and very high withdrawal, and average extraversion. So it's almost as if, when I do stand up, I seem to not know the limit, or when to sit the hell back down.
I need help yall I feel like this is exactly my problem, especially in my family. Like I always used to agree with everyone and everything because I wanted people to like me, I never thought for myself and now that I am anything I say is controversial and people are quick to be offended and put me in a box and not even listen to what I have to say. It's like my family is always trying to correct me no matter if I'm right or wrong in a condescending way I can't quite put my finger on, as if I'm a child even though I'm the 2nd oldest. It even feels wrong in a way for making this comment because its only recently where I've began to think for myself so im not sure if I'm in the wrong since I always used to chase validation from my family. I don't know how to explain it but I just know for a fact that my family don't actually respect me and if I say it out loud no one will respect me or believe me ans just brand me as being dramatic. (sorry I just made that about myself but i'm serious need of a different perspective here)
I tested 0% Agreeableness and 2% Politeness on Dr. Jordan Peterson's To Know Myself product. I love watching things like this on a regular basis to provide me with perspective on healthy agreeableness. Too Disagreeable is just as harmful as Too Agreeable.
I don't think it's harmful, I think it can just be dangerous if you are too agreeable/disagreeable and don't really know how to use your traits to benefit you instead of harm you
@@FirstNameLastName-sy2jq well even from an egoistic perspective it can be bad for youre reputation. You might not lead well because you cant motivate intrinsicly and hold the team together.
@@basedchad6035 that’s exactly what a disagreeable person who wouldn’t know how to use their trait to benefit them instead of harm would do. an experienced disagreeable would adopt psychopathic behavior and act like they actually gave a shit about people to motivate the team to do better.
@@basedchad6035 i definitely agree it’s hard to master, but if you get to know yourself for long enough you’ll find out what makes your irk vs. what you’re confident in. and it’s not about controlling your traits but about hiding them. criminals should’ve hid their disagreeableness better. if the law, for example, was to criminalize creative people instead of disagreeable people, creative people wouldn’t be able to control their instinctive trait, but rather hide it better
"Agreeable" is not a bad word. I'm agreeable as fuck at work. People always come to me with dumb shit that I know won't work, but I bite my tongue and pretend I'm on board, because I couldn't care less about my job and I know if I start the ball rolling on shutting down their ideas, they'll fight back and I'll get pissed off and it will be WAY more stress than I'm payed to handle. It's about self preservation and mental health. Disagreeable people don't care and they like the fight, but they're also assholes who no one likes
“…need to face conflict forthrightly, in the present…act courageously & truthfully…trust instincts….stop feeling ashamed for ur suspicions…the darker part of you, the shadow part, may know things you could know if you were willing to admit they were true. Give more credence to ur darker element…”
It's so true. I was born a mom. I just want to "mother" everyone. I don't mean this to be condescending, I just want to love people. But I have another side to me, a darker side that has a very low tolerance for... nonsense. Because that is perceived to be "mean," I bury it, but that hurts me, it has actually made me physically sick. So now I need to learn how to say what I have to say in a kind, but firm, direct and truthful manner. Not an easy thing to do for an agreeable person, but it is doable.
I'm sick of the idea that women need to be agreeable. I managed a small but important department at my last job, and I used to ask the manager constantly for the help I needed and was entitled to per the company rules. I was supposed to have 1-2 helpers, and I was constantly running the department by myself with no help, and obviously no chance for time off. And even I have to take days off each week, and when I would, nothing would be done and I'd come back to a fucking mess. At first I tried the friendly approach to asking for what my department needed, but over the years I saw that all that does is get you ignored. Eventually I became much more serious when requesting things, although still respectful- just leaving out smiley faces and stuff in emails and getting right to the point. I was told that I was completely out of line for this. Meanwhile I looked around and saw my male coworkers NEVER smiling, talking to people in abrupt and harsh tones, and never told that they're out of line- and they also got what they needed when they asked for it. I've never been one to cry "sexism" but in this case there definitely was some (probably subconscious) sexism in the way my managers viewed my tone vs theirs, and the amount of consideration I deserved vs my male peers. Total bullshit. At least I know I did all I could to stand up for myself, and eventually I quit and found something better (and higher paying) and left them to clean up the mess. The thing that gives me the warm fuzzies is the poetic justice of it- the managers refused to give me trainees, so no one- including the lazy managers- knew how to do my job, which was all about paying the bills for the store. They were FUCKED for months. So nice to know :)
@@danielseal2626 Just looked it up, that sounds like it's well worth reading. I'm reading some of the bullet points and already I'm seeing ways I might have gone wrong when I was managing a couple people in the past. I'll probably get it in the future since I'm always looking for new books. Thank you!
I have never had this problem anywhere else in life. My relationships my family my friendships i have always been very disagreeable and certain of myself. Im the black sheep of my family and i wear it proudly and im willing to stand my ground against anyone. Almost. Anyone. My problem is my boss. I have a family now. So i have to take care of them and i need this job. But he believes he can take advantage of me if he tiptoes around me. I know he is also afraid of me. But this guy, hes volatile. And will fire someone on the spot if he doesnt like what you say. Its impossible to negotiate with him. What am i supposed to do?
I'd say that disagreeable women are set aside more often. I saw many disagreeable male coworkers who never got spoken to about their harsh way of communicating with their team, and they generally got what they asked for from management; however when I simply used a serious tone to ask for things, they said I needed to watch myself and that I was out of line. The funny thing is, I don't think the manager who told me that is even smart enough to realize the double standard he set for me vs. my male peers. Most people don't analyze their own thoughts and their own biases go unnoticed.
well yeah because we men have an instinct to doubt disagreeable women. She has to proove herself more than a man. Why? because women are worse leaders. The male sex is litteraly designed to lead. So there is reason to doubt which doesnt mean it cant be done, it can. And btw, women also want a male boss and not a female boss.
"Let's assume you know what you want" - what nice joke, professor. I've been figuring this out for 33 years and is still not there... just like everyone around me.
Try changing the environment you surround yourself with, this can really help because you might have created an echo chamber within your social circle of lost people.
@@rampagingweasel4276 it's not my environment. It's the world. People have no idea what do they want. only like 0.0001% of them do. They either keep doing what they used to do, or keep lying to themself that they want something they don't really want, because it's so scary to really want something that they can't even think about it. Then they get what they "wanted" and this suddenly happens to be the worst event in their life.
My friends always kind like push me and like poke me and i once said in a Really small voice “ ok you can stop now” and they started laughing and today they did the same voice and i said “ Can you stop doing NOW” very confidently and they completely stopped doing it. I felt very happy after and like I accomplished something 👍
I always was this person, I had an safety in myself. Red/yellow disc colour, beauty and high IQ. But now with losing looks I feel weird. Its like my vision was a high independent strong woman. At some age this image is getting harder. Its like our sexual value as woman can change by aging. Self esteem comes from within. But your appeareance is mostly a reflection of that. At some point we can not even reflect that. So we starting to experience a disbalance in who we are and what we express. For people who are high aware its hard that it doesnt match up. Our body is literally our instrument. Not only for health but also to represent our character. Also sexual energy is extremely important for joy and reaching goals in life. How to be happy with yourself, dealing with losing it and have a consistent vision? Aging is seen as healthy, but I tell you it is not. It influence us deeply and can prevent us from growing. In heaven we will all having young bodys again.
I think there is both benefits and downsides of both. Disgreeable people need to learn when to take a chill pill and not all things are worth fighting over. A lot of them can be headaches to deal with especially in relationships because they are so argumentative over little stuff. I work in a lot of customer service jobs and it was comical some of the the things diagreeable people would get mad over. I remember there was a man who was trying to argue with me over calling a spork a spork. Like he was very seriously angry. Even the guy behind him was like what the heck is going on and stood up for me thank you to that kind stranger lol. And agreeable people need to learn how to be more assertive and when it is time to actually be mad and speak up for yourself. A lot of agreeable people, myself included have let people step on our boundaries too much and have ended up becoming resentful and passive agressive because we dont know how to communicate.
I'm a man, and I find myself too agreeable. My girlfriend is disagreeable. I believe there are as many agreeable men as women, but disagreeable women are just dont draw the level of attention that a man does and I think thats primal, men matter more to us when we think of security, theyre more threatening.
I think that a disagreeable woman gets much more attention than a disagreeable man. Men are EXPECTED and REWARDED for being disagreeable. You'll see this in corporate UK/US where women are taken to task for being abrasive but men are not. A disagreeable woman breaches our expectations of how women should be.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 Do you have any way to substantiate anything you just said? Which women are taken to task for being abrasive? Who expects men to be disagreeable? I've never ever felt that as a man. How are men rewarded for being disagreeable? Please don't say Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsay because Gordon Ramsay is a chef at 5 star restaurants. Cowell was already a millionaire before becoming a tv personality.
It's ironic that the majority of comments on videos of Dr. Peterson's speeches and downright lectures always incite comments about personal circumstances. If you just pay attention to Dr. Peterson, you won't need anything more than what you can glean from videos or books! Watch listen learn do
I stand up for myself and I love this about me but I lack gentleness in my personal relationships. My score for assertiveness is 90. I don't like conflict but I don't hesitate if it's needed. The question is how to navigate in life depending on the type of relationship? I want to be gentle sometimes but I just can't. I have never been a gentle person. Yet i am empathetic but it doesn't show. How do I teach myself gentleness?
Some people kept asking favors of me. It was stressing me out and they wouldn't budge when it was their turn to do a favor. So I started telling them "no". It only took about 3 times before they stopped exploiting me altogether. Show some "teeth" as a dove and the hawks will eventually leave you be. If they don't, it's time to leave them for good.
Thank for your kindness. To helping me, in my country I need to go out of work in 64, so I go out, They didn’t want to fier me because I was good, but they were terrible bosses and used me and Behaved to terrible, and did give me promotion, so I decided to go away and to have my pension, now I living on my pension.
It’s ridiculous that being friendly and being successful are at odds with each other. That is a violation of the way the world should work in my opinion.
How can I assert myself and get a better salary as a middle school math teacher. The pay is 43000 a year, difficult to live on. I personally have the help of my husband, but it would seem that an assertive disagreeable person might demand a better salary or quit?
Disagreeableness isn't necessarily a bad trait. It you are guided by truth and genuine willingness to get closer to the truth, disagreeing isn't unproductive. But if it is a serious problem, there is an opportunity in having very agreeable friends. But if this was just a meme, coming from your majesty, then, well played, and I don't know why I am writing this
Yes, definitely. Especially if you're very high on extraversion and very disagreeable, there's a good chance you're a narcissist. Always maintain a balance.
Isn't resent the motivating factor in our life. Anger and resentment feels good. It's s vacation from the pain. Embraces it. After your vacation is over don't go back to the pain go back to the I matter they really don't and treat them like they don't matter because they really don't.
I wish I had heard this 30 years ago. A friend once said, Samantha, you have to show your teeth sometimes. I have mulled that over for years. Finally, I get it.
It would be interesting to know in the sliding scale of agreeableness and disagreeableness (the latter which the commented responses below seem to define as being pushy or a jerk), where does being firm and standing your ground, or standing up for your beliefs and desires, lie? Or is that different? Watching this I got the impression that the person asking the question wanted to be firm, as opposed to 'how do I become repulsive?'
good question. looks like no one answered. I don't have the answer either but, i think there's a way to make yourself seem firm while also appearing as though you are not shut off to further input. Being firm but open to being wrong....or even just open to further data your interlocutor might have that you don't...and you show this by asking them questions like they might know something. Yet, that won't work in every scenario...in some scenarios you better look like you know your shit
Honestly, I've never understood people like this at all... I always just think "what is in my best interest" then do it. I think it's probably a huge reason I'm more succesful than the majority of people out there. I see something I want and go after it while most people are so worried about what some stranger things, it holds them back in all aspects of life.
Women sometimes need to be agreeable because it's too dangerous to disagree (with men in particular). Men also have plenty of patience for infants, not just women.
This is exactly the sort of assertiveness exemplified in the women protesting Peterson who gaslights them by saying patriarchy is an invalid theory. Snake eating its own tail!
today, I handed the cashier money and he gave ma back less than what he should have, I was 90% sur about it. As I wanted to speak up, that nasty 10% of doubt stopped me. I tought to myself that I would look stupid if I was wrong at counting the money. That little doubt stopped me from speaking. Eventualy, after I left, I realized that he charged me for the extra french fries my friend had ordered. Please advise me.
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" NO" is a complete sentence.
powerful.
"Truth is your best friend when it comes to being agreeable."
Truth is your best friend if you're TOO agreeable. Nothing wrong with being agreeable, but being too agreeable means you're not being honest somewhere.
@@ZeroOne46 nah your still compromising just be true to yourself have integrity. Never bend your values for nobody regardless of who they are. Be authentic
@@iamzay4938 it's also compromising of values if you're disagreeing just to be disagreeable. That's also just as dishonest as being agreeable for the sake of keeping the "peace." But being agreeable out of sincerity is not dishonest. We can agree on a lot of stuff, just not everything. It also depends on the company you keep. Two people with completely different set of values can't walk together in peace, or else one isn't being honest. But two who agree, can walk together. They'll agree on a lot because they'll have a lot in common. There's nothing wrong with being agreeable IF you're sincere, and know where your boundaries lie, and not afraid to keep behind it. It's about sincerity more than anything else. I agree with my wife on a lot of stuff, but when I don't, she knows. I'm not going to disagree just to be different or disagreeble. That would be silly.
But that's just me! Maybe I just understand the concept in a different way.
I hope this helps...“Tolerance is an attitude of reasoned patience toward evil … a forbearance that restrains us from showing anger or inflicting punishment. Tolerance applies only to persons … never to truth. Tolerance applies to the erring, intolerance to the error … Architects are as intolerant about sand as foundations for skyscrapers as doctors are intolerant about germs in the laboratory. Tolerance does not apply to truth or principles. About these things we must be intolerant, and for this kind of intolerance, so much needed to rouse us from sentimental gush, I make a plea. Intolerance of this kind is the foundation of all stability.”
― Fulton J. Sheen
I’ve literally created a moral religion based around truth after I had a depression caused by being unassertive
I’ve learned the trick is to NEVER START OUT AGREEABLE. It will only make it impossible to EVER push back without being perceived and told “you have changed”, “got mean”, etc.
You virtually cannot reclaim your personal sovereignty once you have voluntarily surrendered it.
I got assertiveness help and changed jobs. It was very difficult to not back slide into my natural people pleasing personality, BUT it was worth it in every way.
So true. You have to start off at the beginning
Do describe the type of sovereignty you are referring to in agreeableness? Although I congratulate you ! 🤗
@aleagria03
That's great to hear ! 🤗 Myself, I too was passive-aggressive and lacked assertion most times. Wasn't until a mousy friend who lacked total assertion, that I realized this weak flaw of mine.
When she said, "I don't lash out." that I realized how important it is to be assertive, yet remain respectful.
She is 60 and still a Wallflower to this day ! Am humbly grateful that I finally fixed this weakness !
Congratulations to both of us !! 💓🤗
@aleagria03 I applaud you. It did not work that way for me. But my skill is growing.
I feel like this is exactly my problem, especially in my family. Like I always used to agree with everyone and everything because I wanted people to like me, I never thought for myself and now that I am anything I say is controversial and people are quick to be offended and put me in a box and not even listen to what I have to say. It's like my family is always trying to correct me no matter if I'm right or wrong in a condescending way I can't quite put my finger on, as if I'm a child even though I'm the 2nd oldest. It even feels wrong in a way for making this comment because its only recently where I've began to think for myself so im not sure if I'm in the wrong since I always used to chase validation from my family. I don't know how to explain it but I just know for a fact that my family don't actually respect me and if I say it out loud no one will respect me or believe me ans just brand me as being dramatic. (sorry I just made that about myself but i'm serious need of a different perspective here)
5 minutes of Jordan Peterson a day keeps the doctor away :)
i don’t know what i would have done in life without him
He saved my life
Well he is a doctor, or maybe you were referring to medical doctor
@@tristan4175 he’s not a doctor he’s a psychology professor
1) Figure out what you want
2) formulate that aka speak the truth which can lead to conflict so it takes courage to do that
3) become friends with your critical intelligence that you have become to be ashamed of so to not hurt others
I try to have some disagreeable friends who are good company as they will tell you exactly show how you are gullible and help you, if they are really your friend, and show you how to be assertive. It has helped me out a lot! When you maintain a good balance between the two doors just open up!
True true. And u must be willing to swallow, digest, understand, heed and appreciate their input!
Yeah, I’ve often thought if they want to practice they can practice on me. Just tell me you’re going to try to do that.
@@DaveE99I wish I had someone like that
After 35 years of being taken advantage of like a doormat I've had it. 🤷♀️
Better late than never
that's what she said?
I like being used as a doormat.
might be something for a different video though.
@@DaveyGraus I don't know if you're trying to be funny. If you are that's not funny. If you're not you have problems.
@@crzymonkey64 so so lame
Very interesting and well articulated. I disagree with most of it.
lol
Comment of the year
How so?
Interesting, why?
troll
My advice to those striving to become more disagreeable:
Give up the vices. This can range from substances to behavior. ANYTHING you know you shouldn’t be doing must go. Alcohol was my problem and when I learned how to say NO, I took control of the wheel again. I learned how to say no to the bars with friends, no to eating unhealthy foods, and no to quitting on workouts.
You must learn how to say no to yourself before you can say it to other people.
That's a great piece of advice. Start by saying no to your own voice.
Addiction = Extreme agreeableness to one's own impulses. Would you... agree?
@@TylerScotPK 100%
I looked in the comments for someone to confirm my suspicion of this in myself. Thank you for voicing this, it has helped me tremendously.
I see the truth in that statement. The problem is, I know plenty of people who say no to others all the time, but won't learn to say no to themselves.
For me, it is a fear of not being accepted or liked by my peers, therefore i would rather be agreeable and universally liked. The problem with this is that when you are overly agreeable, the people who “like you” or “accept you” will subconsciously not see much value in you because you are putting other peoples feelings over your own. It’s better to have 5 friends who truly respect you and your feelings than have 100 friends who don’t see your value.
It is better to have ONE true friend than two false ones.
@@shannaveganamcinnis-hurd405 that’s what I said in a nutshell yes lol
💯. Say fuck these people, and practice self love and improvement and a stronger ego and self identity and protect it at all costs. Take anger to break free! Controlled anger channeled into motivation
i am 100% that way too
Disagreements are normal. People will value you more if you aren’t afraid to speak up for what you believe in. Don’t let people mentally bully you into thinking that their opinion is more valuable than yours.
Self interest isn't the same as selfish
What do you mean ? You are a man.
I've never thought much about the downsides of being so agreeable, until very recently when I started my first job. If something doesn't change I can easily see myself falling behind and not being able to compete to progress in my career. It's a really hard pill to swallow but listening to Jordan Peterson on the various reasons women earn less have helped me to pinpoint what's holding me back. Empowering stuff!
You have to take care of yourself better than you take care of other people.
Definitely
Life is all about balance, buddy. Can't think extreme.
@@aclearlake6210 One cannot balance priorities. There has to be a number one and so on...
Actually it’s all about service to others and taking care of yourself. These two things are not incoherent. You need to take care of yourself and your needs properly so that you can serve others and take care of others. It has to be a giving mindset; otherwise it can be very dangerous. Then we start playing with ego and selfishness. So for example you gotta make that money so you can help the ones in need, you gotta sleep properly so you can help the ones who can’t sleep and so on.
@@blaqueknight If God is number one you will love everyone with His love because that is Gods will for you.
I have one simple trick. Just think in this way: everyone takes care of themselves, thus you should take care of yourself too. Agreeable people thinks that they should help people or at least shouldn't take advantage of others. This is the kind of mindset that holds them back from interacting with other people fairly.
Damn
Agreed that we should regard everyone else as independent, and 'self-accountable', though dunno that desiring to help others necessarily interferes with interacting 'fairly'. Otherwise life amounts to little more than self-absorbed narcissism, and we wouldn't have _anyone_ in the 'helping' fields.
“The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.” - Albert Schweitzer.
Man, I have that mindset, but I dont know how to escape It. I dont want others to suffers, as I know what it is to suffer myself.
@@MMOplayeerr You can't save everyone. Suffering is a constant in this universe.
@@mingonmongo1if a person naturally is agreeable you won’t make them narcissistic with this advice. Only already disagreeable people become narcissistic when encouraged to be more assertive.
In Spain decades ago a great grandmother lived next door. I got to know her some. She knew she was fairly soon about to pass on. I asked her what she had learned what she would change. She answered ‘ I wish I had fought more. Often I knew what was rt. I wish I had fought more’
Her son wd come by every so often. He was also my landlord. He was rude to his mother, in front of me. And he tried to cheat me on the rent.
I left the place. I missed that old , lonely woman when I did-long since dead now.
This insight really helped me as a 25 year old, usually agreeable female in the software field. I realised I won't get what I need/want if I don't speak up. It took a lot of guts to start doing that and knowing how to do it respectfully at the same time.
Same here, I'm in the physics field. You have to be assertive because everyone else is. Otherwise your voice won't be heard
why, are you overweight?
@@xxxViceroyxxx I read this and I sighed immediately, come on... just because someone (male or female) is attractive doesn't mean they have life on a silver platter. Your parents don't care about that if they are sociopaths
@@joshy2joshy sure it does. people treat attractive people better, and attractive females better than attractive males.
@@xxxViceroyxxx I understand appearance bias but it's not everything. There are a lot of other things you have to consider.
For an agreeable person the shadow side, unacceptable and repressed aspects of personality, likely need to be taken more into account. I'm not sure if I'm agreeable by nature but I was too agreeable. Connecting with the parts of myself I felt guilty about, including as Jordan mentioned intuitive thoughts that weren't 'nice', was a huge game changer for me.
I had more power, more to say, less resentment and better communication. I did his authoring suite around that time and it really helped but was part of many things.
I have been so agreeable through out my life and it has served me well for a long time. The last 2 years have been hell and it was a direct result of my agreeable temperament. After I watched and read books from JP I have tried to hard to do the small things he talks about, my life is changing for the better… but when I’m being disagreeable, I literally have to give myself some pep talks, it’s truly uncomfortable. How long does it take to feel not horrible about it?
Jordan Peterson was speaking directly to me. I will heed his advice. Thank you.
My infp ass watching this at 2 am
Girl I'm an infp too!! I feel like we probably struggle more than the other personality types with this??
@@yaqarianfanashira absolutely, its a lifestyle for most of us
I'm an INFP too.
I mostly disagree implicitly not directly.
Intj
Yeah I hate being too agreeable
I dont believe every person is either one or the other. I am a mother of 6 and a wife to an amazing husband. I love to serve them, nurture them, care for them. I tend to be very selfless with my children and husband. However , I believe most people who interact with me would label me as a disagreeable person because I change based on the circumstances. I have no problem with confrontation, assertiveness, and taking leadership ect. And it's because of my family. My husband is very agreeable in personality and will give and give and give even at our expense. Hes easily taken advantage of so usually i am the one that has to communicate with people and confront them in sometimes uncomfortable ways. I do this because of my territorial feelings towards my family and my love and care for them. Because prioritizing their well being and safety doesn't end with them, but it also means standing up for my family and guarding them. I think in the house I am very agreeable. Outside of the house I am not. It's interesting to think about.
Really well articulated, thanks
Im watching this video because there is a toxic narrative going around in the world, that kindness equals weakness. It's a fallacy, it's a stupid and toxic narrative. A person can be kind and assertive. I'm rather upset right now (I came here for therapeutic reasons) because for the thousandth time I was told by an acquaintance that I deserve to be abused because I'm kind. Kind is weak. I have been listening to her talk about herself for 5 hours and I've happily given her only my sympathy and encouragement. No problem. When I mentioned that I've been abused quite a few times myself, she said those things about me deserving abuse. Attracting it with my kind energy (simultaneously using the words "weakness" and "kindness" as if it were the same word). I told her that I am making an intelligent choice to be kind. It's certainly not a stupid one and it's not a weakness. She said that it's evidently not an intelligent choice to be kind, otherwise I would never have been abused. Excuse me? Firstly, it's an assumption without facts. Secondly, we are always choosing between right and wrong. Any day, I can choose to be mean and petty, but I'm not, because I know the consequences of being mean and petty. I've been kind to her. Would she prefer that I treated her with disrespect? Being nasty, cruel, impolite, selfish, exploitative? Is that better? Would that make me less deserving of abuse? If it's true that some people LIKE to abuse people who happen to be kind: it doesn't justify it. You cannot claim that someone should change their character or energetic aura just to stop being a target. I know that is *not* what Jordan Peterson is saying at all. I'm just arguing against an idea that is common in the world. Kind people have rights. And timid people have rights, even though it's not the same thing to be nice and timid, but nonetheless, both have rights. And it's not justified to abuse someone who is "nice". They are making the choice to be nice to you. Why are you not making the same choice for them? Anyway. Having said that, it's great to have a strategy of how to talk to disagreeable people. But, that does not mean that having a persona that is soft and feminine or kind (man or woman) equals weakness and it does not mean that they should change. I hate people who talk down to me. They're out the door. Strangely they assume that I'll continue to be kind to them even after they say these degrading things to me. Absolutely not. I'm not giving my time to such people again
Kindness with courage is often overlooked. Sometimes kindness is constructive criticism. It could even look like assuming authority when leadership is lacking. The difference your freind sees is between active and passive behaviors. They might mistake passivity for kindness and find those people frustrating. Knowing that this person cares about actions, you could turn it around and ask how many times they have seen their strategy work. Maybe have them define what "it works" even means. It sounds like they had a pretty solid opinion on this issue, so demanding they find their own evidence for it will probably make them a little uncomfortable. At the very least they are no longer arguing against your perception and must face their beliefs head on. Ironically, they may feel very timid about addressing their own opinions.
Telling someone who is naturally agreeable that they need to be more mean is the worst advise you can give them. Your friend is not only overlooking the opportunities to capitalize on being an agreeable person (attaining managerial/supervisor positions, having better standing with your friends and family, etc), The fundamental issue isn't kindness, it's being excessively high in trait agreeableness that makes it more likely that somebody can manipulate/take advantage of you. As long as you're aware of when people are trying to take advantage of you and you don't allow it, then there's no issue really.
Your friend doesn't sound like a very nuanced thinker if she thinks being kind and weak are the same thing. And not saying you should necessarily cut ties, but I'd question being friends with a person who believes such a thing. What kind of friend tells you that you DESERVED to be abused?
This is so true about critical intelligence.So many projects I worked on teams where ppl were not walking their talk.
And when I spoke my views, constantly told I was a pessimist.
Until the issue came to the front and literally shocked ppl.
Enough said..
I left that company, which later closed down..
I'm a man raised by women. And I developed a mindset pretty much spot on with what he's describing. My recent breakup brought all of this into focus. My ex had a very negative aura around her during the tail end of our relationship. I always picked up on it but I usually feigned ignorance because I felt bad about doubting and questioning her. Turns out she was lying about our finances to the point where I'm still recovering from it today. I've been wrong about people before so I tend to be disproportionaly trusting even when I shouldn't. But trusting your own gut and putting yourself first hads it's own learning curve. Hopefully it will never happen again.
4:15 most important advice
I believe since covid started and now almost 2 years later I am more unagreeable and assertive. If I can take away anything good about this time is it made me more disagreeable because being agreeable just makes you weak and a follower. As well assertive as I stand by my beliefs I won't let anything get in my way
This is one of the best bits of advice and presented very well. However it is sad that no matter how renowned and qualified JP is, and how universally sound this advice is, there's the problem of pathological narcissists & dark personalities - who tend to over-represent positions where you NEED to negotiate, where they will attempt to destroy you for not being agreeable to them.
Yes thats true but you have to try anyway because not everyone is narcissistic and dark. Some are just plain more disagreeable than you. And only if you try is how you’ll know to find the balance.
However, there is one important consideration here that commonly gets overlooked. Positions in a place of work at some time will have a "stopping" point for someone who is growing their career. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people wanting their employer to contort into something they aren't in order to fulfill the employee's need and when the employer declines the employee stays and becomes embittered. You must be attentive to that voice that tells you it's time to go, you want to transition maybe 9-12 months prior to cresting the top of the bell curve. Doing this will ensure you transition from your current one to the next both sharp and hungry.
Great advice about knowing what you want, then you'll know when you're being trampled on. When you start to push back, de-personalize it, keep emotions out of the equation.
"I think woman are agreeable because it helps them deal with infants". Interesting theory I guess, but I always thought it was simply a survival mecanism in a world where at least 50% of the population is physically stronger than you and can beat you up if you piss them off.
I don’t necessarily think that makes sense, though I understand where you’re coming from. Do shorter men have a tendency to be more agreeable that tall men? The infamous “Napoleon complex” comes to kind here, I don’t think physicality is a major factor in ones psychological attributes.
I think a big part of it is also social evolution. The way things are and the way people are perceived, it makes sense that women would be more agreeable generally
@@rudeboyjim2684 BUt it makes perfect sense.
No shorter men don't HAVE to be more agreeable than short men. But as Jordan himself said when speaking about handling "crazy women" with guys there is a clear path in heated discourse. We disagree, voices are raised, pushing and shoving ensues and then all out brawl. This possibility looms over every interaction between men at least subconcsiouly.
What you aren't considering is men with Napoleon complex ASSUME the risk that one day they might catch an ass whooping. He isn't excluded from that possibility for being a short man. No he is a short man that can very easily talk himself into an ass whooping. These disagreements are also not entirely absent from the workplace albeit more rare. Heck this even happens with my older brother. I can't talk endless shit to him. There is a point where through his words or actions he will remind me of a looming possibility of violence that will not have a good end result for me. And that's my brother....
"I don’t think physicality is a major factor in ones psychological attributes."
Ok go on and watch an episode of Mike Tyson's podcast and watch grown ment completely temper how they speak because it's Mike Tyson. As a man, knowing how to temper your communication based on who is in front of you is not a choice. It is survival. If you never learnt this it means that you have never really been around dangerous people.
@@Ayo.Ajisafe As to your last para, watch any good gangster/mafia movie which shows the dominance hierarchy.
Or "Succession".
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 I'm sorry...what????
What are you arguing. Ive seen succession and gangster movies. What is your POINT?
Alot of stuff happens in succession how am i meant to know what you are talking about?
It is possible to say no and still be kind. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.
My answer now would be - incorporate your shadow. Rather complicated method but results are there
Honesty is not common in people. Honesty, with oneself, w others, takes courage. Honesty can be found. It needs to be practiced. Practice telling the truth. Just be truthful. Things get more simple right away.
I think the most important virtue of all is honesty, and honesty subsumes courage.
It will come, if you are self-aware, if you practice
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I learned to be very frightened of authority. Much later, I worked 12 years with a bunch of bullying female corporate lawyers who had no clue whatsoever how to effectively manage their staff. I was terrified to stand up for myself for fear of losing my job. The office environment consisted of mostly women, was cliquey and toxic, and most staff were afraid to go to HR. There was a whistleblower telephone line in place for staff to speak with (apparently) outside consultants - in reality, were employed directly by the company... the women I spoke with there brushed off my concerns as if they were unimportant. My boss got away with shouting at me unjustified accusations due to my personal fear of telling HR the truth. I've since changed careers and continue to work on myself with the help of a good manager.
I think she needs to read books on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Most people on this planet have had less than ideal childhoods. It's in the early years that we learn how to cope with bad parents: Angry, Controlling, Overly Critical, Negligent, Abusive, etc. It's not just the culture of men versus women and their roles, it's much to do with totally dysfunctional parents, and the bad example they set. I'm met plenty of very assertive and disagreeable women, they were total bitches, trying to take advantage of my good nature and kind heart. Please, whoever wrote this question, learn about complex Ptsd, it is for all sexes. You have to learn to take yourself very seriously, forget all the crap about goals, wants, desires, yes, it is important, but it is only surface bubbles. Your core is more than your goals and desires. It is you. When you want to say no, say no. I've heard a psychologist say on RUclips: Some children are born with more empathy than others. So, for children who have naturally more empathy, they need to be taught boundaries and how to take care of themselves. For children who are born with less empathy, they need to learn how to take the focus of themselves, and care more about others. Sounds like this lady needs to learn how to first have empathy for herself.
@ Sissi : Thank you for writing this.
"you don't have a better friend than the truth even though it can be very harsh in the short term" Jordan Peterson
I just got into a huge fight with the president of my company. The place is a sinking ship, and we keep losing good people because they want to run “lean and mean,” and it’s becomes so mean for the overwhelmed lower level employees that they’re leaving. When we express that we’re overwhelmed with work, they hire a new VP or Exec to tell the lower levels employees what to do. Then they lie to my face that they don’t have the money to hire someone to help us. I know they don’t respect me as much as I deserve simply because I’m a girl and it’s a male dominated industry. They’ve yelled at me just for speaking about what they told me to in meetings. I notice I always have to say things twice, because they don’t bother to listen the first time. I’m tire of it, but it happens everywhere I go because it’s the same industry. I tend to be a very agreeable, hard working person who just wants to do a good job with whatever I’m doing, but these guys don’t respect agreeableness, and they disrespect me. I don’t know that women with women would be any better, though.
In my experience, just as a regular young adult person who's tried to be assertive, with family, partners, roommates, bosses, teachers, friends etc. I have been told I'm intimidating, blunt, and often sometimes called rude. It's really confusing. Because the other half of the time, I'm told I'm being Mousy, or need to speak up for myself more. By peers, friends, family. My personality ranks(according to Jordan's provided online model) moderate high in agreeableness, but very high in neurotic, and very high withdrawal, and average extraversion. So it's almost as if, when I do stand up, I seem to not know the limit, or when to sit the hell back down.
I am reading set boundaries find peace, there are examples🎉
Thank you JP. Gods continued blessings.
I need help yall
I feel like this is exactly my problem, especially in my family. Like I always used to agree with everyone and everything because I wanted people to like me, I never thought for myself and now that I am anything I say is controversial and people are quick to be offended and put me in a box and not even listen to what I have to say. It's like my family is always trying to correct me no matter if I'm right or wrong in a condescending way I can't quite put my finger on, as if I'm a child even though I'm the 2nd oldest. It even feels wrong in a way for making this comment because its only recently where I've began to think for myself so im not sure if I'm in the wrong since I always used to chase validation from my family. I don't know how to explain it but I just know for a fact that my family don't actually respect me and if I say it out loud no one will respect me or believe me ans just brand me as being dramatic. (sorry I just made that about myself but i'm serious need of a different perspective here)
I tested 0% Agreeableness and 2% Politeness on Dr. Jordan Peterson's To Know Myself product.
I love watching things like this on a regular basis to provide me with perspective on healthy agreeableness.
Too Disagreeable is just as harmful as Too Agreeable.
I don't think it's harmful, I think it can just be dangerous if you are too agreeable/disagreeable and don't really know how to use your traits to benefit you instead of harm you
@@FirstNameLastName-sy2jq well even from an egoistic perspective it can be bad for youre reputation. You might not lead well because you cant motivate intrinsicly and hold the team together.
@@basedchad6035 that’s exactly what a disagreeable person who wouldn’t know how to use their trait to benefit them instead of harm would do. an experienced disagreeable would adopt psychopathic behavior and act like they actually gave a shit about people to motivate the team to do better.
@@FirstNameLastName-sy2jq Well true. Might just be a little hard to Master. All the criminals for example couldnt controll their disagreeableness
@@basedchad6035 i definitely agree it’s hard to master, but if you get to know yourself for long enough you’ll find out what makes your irk vs. what you’re confident in.
and it’s not about controlling your traits but about hiding them. criminals should’ve hid their disagreeableness better. if the law, for example, was to criminalize creative people instead of disagreeable people, creative people wouldn’t be able to control their instinctive trait, but rather hide it better
"Agreeable" is not a bad word. I'm agreeable as fuck at work. People always come to me with dumb shit that I know won't work, but I bite my tongue and pretend I'm on board, because I couldn't care less about my job and I know if I start the ball rolling on shutting down their ideas, they'll fight back and I'll get pissed off and it will be WAY more stress than I'm payed to handle. It's about self preservation and mental health. Disagreeable people don't care and they like the fight, but they're also assholes who no one likes
“…need to face conflict forthrightly, in the present…act courageously & truthfully…trust instincts….stop feeling ashamed for ur suspicions…the darker part of you, the shadow part, may know things you could know if you were willing to admit they were true. Give more credence to ur darker element…”
It's so true. I was born a mom. I just want to "mother" everyone. I don't mean this to be condescending, I just want to love people. But I have another side to me, a darker side that has a very low tolerance for... nonsense. Because that is perceived to be "mean," I bury it, but that hurts me, it has actually made me physically sick. So now I need to learn how to say what I have to say in a kind, but firm, direct and truthful manner. Not an easy thing to do for an agreeable person, but it is doable.
Allow yourself to act courageously 4:49
I'm sick of the idea that women need to be agreeable. I managed a small but important department at my last job, and I used to ask the manager constantly for the help I needed and was entitled to per the company rules. I was supposed to have 1-2 helpers, and I was constantly running the department by myself with no help, and obviously no chance for time off. And even I have to take days off each week, and when I would, nothing would be done and I'd come back to a fucking mess. At first I tried the friendly approach to asking for what my department needed, but over the years I saw that all that does is get you ignored. Eventually I became much more serious when requesting things, although still respectful- just leaving out smiley faces and stuff in emails and getting right to the point. I was told that I was completely out of line for this. Meanwhile I looked around and saw my male coworkers NEVER smiling, talking to people in abrupt and harsh tones, and never told that they're out of line- and they also got what they needed when they asked for it. I've never been one to cry "sexism" but in this case there definitely was some (probably subconscious) sexism in the way my managers viewed my tone vs theirs, and the amount of consideration I deserved vs my male peers. Total bullshit. At least I know I did all I could to stand up for myself, and eventually I quit and found something better (and higher paying) and left them to clean up the mess. The thing that gives me the warm fuzzies is the poetic justice of it- the managers refused to give me trainees, so no one- including the lazy managers- knew how to do my job, which was all about paying the bills for the store. They were FUCKED for months. So nice to know :)
I like how you added a smiley face to the end of this comment as they’re undeserving of your smiley face :)
@@danielseal2626 Hhaha oh that's just my evil, fiendish glee! :)
@@morganwildwood6168 lol have you heard of the book, “The Dichotomy of Leadership”? If not, I recommend giving it a read :)
@@danielseal2626 Just looked it up, that sounds like it's well worth reading. I'm reading some of the bullet points and already I'm seeing ways I might have gone wrong when I was managing a couple people in the past. I'll probably get it in the future since I'm always looking for new books. Thank you!
@@morganwildwood6168 No problem! It’s written by a Navy Seal who’s also had Jordan Peterson on his podcast a few times.
This guy knows all.
Thank you Dr. Peterson. ❤
Needed to hear this today.
I have never had this problem anywhere else in life. My relationships my family my friendships i have always been very disagreeable and certain of myself. Im the black sheep of my family and i wear it proudly and im willing to stand my ground against anyone. Almost. Anyone. My problem is my boss. I have a family now. So i have to take care of them and i need this job. But he believes he can take advantage of me if he tiptoes around me. I know he is also afraid of me. But this guy, hes volatile. And will fire someone on the spot if he doesnt like what you say. Its impossible to negotiate with him. What am i supposed to do?
Find a new job
One can’t talk/negotiate w a non-talker
Disagreeable women (and men) are often set aside, or their views discounted as grouchiness.
What about lawyers
Disagree, don't just dismiss everything anyone says if it doesn't fit the way you see things
I'd say that disagreeable women are set aside more often. I saw many disagreeable male coworkers who never got spoken to about their harsh way of communicating with their team, and they generally got what they asked for from management; however when I simply used a serious tone to ask for things, they said I needed to watch myself and that I was out of line. The funny thing is, I don't think the manager who told me that is even smart enough to realize the double standard he set for me vs. my male peers. Most people don't analyze their own thoughts and their own biases go unnoticed.
well yeah because we men have an instinct to doubt disagreeable women. She has to proove herself more than a man. Why? because women are worse leaders. The male sex is litteraly designed to lead. So there is reason to doubt which doesnt mean it cant be done, it can. And btw, women also want a male boss and not a female boss.
"Let's assume you know what you want" - what nice joke, professor. I've been figuring this out for 33 years and is still not there... just like everyone around me.
Try changing the environment you surround yourself with, this can really help because you might have created an echo chamber within your social circle of lost people.
@@rampagingweasel4276 it's not my environment. It's the world. People have no idea what do they want. only like 0.0001% of them do. They either keep doing what they used to do, or keep lying to themself that they want something they don't really want, because it's so scary to really want something that they can't even think about it. Then they get what they "wanted" and this suddenly happens to be the worst event in their life.
It would be amazing if you made a course for this!
My friends always kind like push me and like poke me and i once said in a Really small voice “ ok you can stop now” and they started laughing and today they did the same voice and i said “ Can you stop doing NOW” very confidently and they completely stopped doing it. I felt very happy after and like I accomplished something 👍
I always was this person, I had an safety in myself. Red/yellow disc colour, beauty and high IQ. But now with losing looks I feel weird. Its like my vision was a high independent strong woman. At some age this image is getting harder. Its like our sexual value as woman can change by aging. Self esteem comes from within. But your appeareance is mostly a reflection of that. At some point we can not even reflect that. So we starting to experience a disbalance in who we are and what we express. For people who are high aware its hard that it doesnt match up. Our body is literally our instrument. Not only for health but also to represent our character. Also sexual energy is extremely important for joy and reaching goals in life. How to be happy with yourself, dealing with losing it and have a consistent vision? Aging is seen as healthy, but I tell you it is not. It influence us deeply and can prevent us from growing. In heaven we will all having young bodys again.
Phenomenal message!
I think there is both benefits and downsides of both.
Disgreeable people need to learn when to take a chill pill and not all things are worth fighting over. A lot of them can be headaches to deal with especially in relationships because they are so argumentative over little stuff. I work in a lot of customer service jobs and it was comical some of the the things diagreeable people would get mad over. I remember there was a man who was trying to argue with me over calling a spork a spork. Like he was very seriously angry. Even the guy behind him was like what the heck is going on and stood up for me thank you to that kind stranger lol.
And agreeable people need to learn how to be more assertive and when it is time to actually be mad and speak up for yourself. A lot of agreeable people, myself included have let people step on our boundaries too much and have ended up becoming resentful and passive agressive because we dont know how to communicate.
I'm a man, and I find myself too agreeable. My girlfriend is disagreeable. I believe there are as many agreeable men as women, but disagreeable women are just dont draw the level of attention that a man does and I think thats primal, men matter more to us when we think of security, theyre more threatening.
Do you think a disagreeable man can have a functional relationship with a disagreeable woman?
@@Ayo.Ajisafe ive seen it. And it dont work. She acts like the men in the relationship.
@@blessed6574 I don't think so either..
I think that a disagreeable woman gets much more attention than a disagreeable man. Men are EXPECTED and REWARDED for being disagreeable.
You'll see this in corporate UK/US where women are taken to task for being abrasive but men are not.
A disagreeable woman breaches our expectations of how women should be.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 Do you have any way to substantiate anything you just said?
Which women are taken to task for being abrasive?
Who expects men to be disagreeable? I've never ever felt that as a man.
How are men rewarded for being disagreeable? Please don't say Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsay because Gordon Ramsay is a chef at 5 star restaurants. Cowell was already a millionaire before becoming a tv personality.
I took the big 5 test, I scored 96th Percentile for Agreeableness, and 81st Percentile for Assertiveness.
When I started saying NO my life became more simple and I became more happy!
It's ironic that the majority of comments on videos of Dr. Peterson's speeches and downright lectures always incite comments about personal circumstances. If you just pay attention to Dr. Peterson, you won't need anything more than what you can glean from videos or books! Watch listen learn do
Please add your content to Bit Chute so I can watch it. Love your videos. RUclips is censoring free speech.
Dave LC. Can't support what you said enough.
UTube Censors on a regular basis... so does Yahoo.
You can't have free speech on someone else's platform. Same as you can't take burger King to McDonald's and eat it.
@@Troy13 of course you can, you can have it if nothing is getting deleted
He is not disagreable. People find them disagreeable for telling the truth.
Wow, this is very insightful and absolutely fascinating.
I stand up for myself and I love this about me but I lack gentleness in my personal relationships. My score for assertiveness is 90. I don't like conflict but I don't hesitate if it's needed. The question is how to navigate in life depending on the type of relationship? I want to be gentle sometimes but I just can't. I have never been a gentle person. Yet i am empathetic but it doesn't show. How do I teach myself gentleness?
Some people kept asking favors of me. It was stressing me out and they wouldn't budge when it was their turn to do a favor. So I started telling them "no". It only took about 3 times before they stopped exploiting me altogether.
Show some "teeth" as a dove and the hawks will eventually leave you be. If they don't, it's time to leave them for good.
finally a subject Jordon has massive experience in .
“Truth is your best bet if you’re too agreeable”.
clean your room...
I feel u
No :) hahaha just kidding my man
Jordan Peterson is genius...
Thank for your kindness. To helping me, in my country I need to go out of work in 64, so I go out,
They didn’t want to fier me because I was good, but they were terrible bosses and used me and
Behaved to terrible, and did give me promotion, so I decided to go away and to have my pension, now I living on my pension.
It’s ridiculous that being friendly and being successful are at odds with each other. That is a violation of the way the world should work in my opinion.
How does one stop, or at least, reduce being or becoming an imposition? Not only to others and the planet, but, to themselves?
Do you mean becoming more independent and responsible - to themselves?
Spot on
Thank you professor 👍👍
Fantastic video
How can I assert myself and get a better salary as a middle school math teacher. The pay is 43000 a year, difficult to live on. I personally have the help of my husband, but it would seem that an assertive disagreeable person might demand a better salary or quit?
Thank you
I'm going through a lot of this at 19 in college and its rough
Very true. Thank you.
Good job Jordan. That is true. David D.
I need the opposite of this video i often find myself arguing with people even if its against my own point😂
Disagreeableness isn't necessarily a bad trait. It you are guided by truth and genuine willingness to get closer to the truth, disagreeing isn't unproductive. But if it is a serious problem, there is an opportunity in having very agreeable friends. But if this was just a meme, coming from your majesty, then, well played, and I don't know why I am writing this
Good advice, clearly stated.
Is it possible to be too disagreeable?
Yes, definitely. Especially if you're very high on extraversion and very disagreeable, there's a good chance you're a narcissist. Always maintain a balance.
@@astrojeet A narcissist wouldn't be able to change that balance tho?
@@zoorrken a narcissist wouldn't want to. Why? He is the rightest person in the world. And beyond.
@@HeRvAsH93 Ye thats my point.
Yeah. One good example would be the people in prisons. They're so disagreeable that society shuns them into isolation.
Isn't resent the motivating factor in our life. Anger and resentment feels good. It's s vacation from the pain. Embraces it. After your vacation is over don't go back to the pain go back to the I matter they really don't and treat them like they don't matter because they really don't.
I wish I had heard this 30 years ago. A friend once said, Samantha, you have to show your teeth sometimes. I have mulled that over for years. Finally, I get it.
Embrace the dark side
What's the name of the course he was mentioning to improve not being agreeable? 0:32
Self authoring
It would be interesting to know in the sliding scale of agreeableness and disagreeableness (the latter which the commented responses below seem to define as being pushy or a jerk), where does being firm and standing your ground, or standing up for your beliefs and desires, lie? Or is that different? Watching this I got the impression that the person asking the question wanted to be firm, as opposed to 'how do I become repulsive?'
good question. looks like no one answered. I don't have the answer either but, i think there's a way to make yourself seem firm while also appearing as though you are not shut off to further input. Being firm but open to being wrong....or even just open to further data your interlocutor might have that you don't...and you show this by asking them questions like they might know something. Yet, that won't work in every scenario...in some scenarios you better look like you know your shit
What is the future authoring program?
Honestly, I've never understood people like this at all... I always just think "what is in my best interest" then do it. I think it's probably a huge reason I'm more succesful than the majority of people out there. I see something I want and go after it while most people are so worried about what some stranger things, it holds them back in all aspects of life.
Women sometimes need to be agreeable because it's too dangerous to disagree (with men in particular). Men also have plenty of patience for infants, not just women.
Thanks again Dr. 😀😀😀🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
what is the future authoring program Peterson is talking about?
This is exactly the sort of assertiveness exemplified in the women protesting Peterson who gaslights them by saying patriarchy is an invalid theory. Snake eating its own tail!
Disagreeability is bad for women. Jordan Peterson should say that
today, I handed the cashier money and he gave ma back less than what he should have, I was 90% sur about it. As I wanted to speak up, that nasty 10% of doubt stopped me. I tought to myself that I would look stupid if I was wrong at counting the money. That little doubt stopped me from speaking. Eventualy, after I left, I realized that he charged me for the extra french fries my friend had ordered. Please advise me.
Awesome. I wonder what Dr. Jordan Peterson would think about reading works by Imam Ali [s].
Put them through basic training and at least two years in the military.
Tough Women are considered Lesbo's !
Decisive, assertive women are the best!
It's a Double Standard..... always has been.
The military teaches you obedience and if you're already agreeable that is the oposite of what you need to learn.
That makes you agreeable, not disagreeable
Future what program?