I agree with this, I’m too polite and I thought people would see me as nice but they just see me as weak. I need to stop people pleasing too, because people actually respect people pleasers less…learning this slowly but surely
Lol I was raised by a single monther and she tried to raise me just like that. She was genuinely shocked when she saw me interact with others and commented how rude I was. I quickly was able to understand just what she was doing when I was a teen and called her out on that. She didn't like it. Later on, she accepted it though.
Here's some insight for whoever. I used to be passive not quite from being polite or agreeable, but more from an unimaginable amount of patience. And just trust me when I say that it 8/10 it never leads to favorable outcomes. Now I learned that just for the sake of a better outcome and getting what i need, I HAVE to be firm at the time of need with people. I adapted in name of productivity 🙏🏾
I hate that this is true. I used to be too polite around others, but pathetic people see that as invitation for abuse. I am still working on figuring out assertiveness.
I spent my entire youth being polite and nice to people only to get abuse too. I learned to be firm. I wish I had learned this when I was in high school I would have saved myself abuse and trouble. Well mostly with regard to blood relatives. Strangers I am assertive! That boundary had been established early!
@@emmanueluduak5498 wondering that myself you can't be neutral with some without them taking offense so it's not just how you say what you say I think speaking diplomatically works best yet you can't use that to answer mundane simple shit like were is charger and do you know where to drive to. At this point I'm more convinced its just them wanting to be pissed at me then I'm doing anything.
I learned politeness being raised by a single mother...it hurt me as a man...amongst men....its almost like there is no politeness..so if you try being polite then that's seen as weakness. But towards women...politeness is good...deprogrammed myself in my 40s...😥
@@mikereiss4216 that's good advice. Trouble is I freeze up and can't think of what to say. It's really annoying. Just gotta keep working at it. My grandfather was razor sharp. If anyone said anything against him he'd verbally light their ass up!
Being polite =/= not being assertive. The best communicators are those that can be polite and respectful, whilst still also advocating for themselves, their values, their goals etc in a direct manner.
Most people are like this. Being kind and being nice are two different lifestyles. Kindness is rooted in authenticity whereas the census surrounding Niceness is that it's rooted in inauthenticity. Nice people struggle in this area because they don't want to be seen as offensive or rude thereby causing them not to advocate for their ideals. Kindness is moreso people saying what needs to be said because it needs to be said, regardless of whether people get offended or not.
I think polite is the wrong word choice here. Please/thank you/sir/ma'am are all fine. Circumlocution might be better? That probably makes for a less catchy video title though.
@@Autumnleafinthewind I do those things fairly commonly and am not seen as weak nor do I see myself as weak. Only he that is unwise, openly says their thoughts without regard for counsel. Smiling for "no reason" is not inappropriate. Speaking for myself, I have testimonies of people being influenced by someone who is smiling just cause even if it is awkward in its context or when they should be upset. Being unconditionally yourself, or even smiling in these situations offers others a space to be comfortable. It also shows that your composure isn't dictated by external factors, rather yourself. What you're describing is a problematic people-pleaser. These are synonymous behaviors with someone who is shy. Being reserved isn't always a sign of insecurity. Reserved behaviors often convey introspective values, discomfort, or social withdrawal( within reason). Lacking in social skills can go either way so the observation isn't all the way true. Per my first, really we're discussing the same thing. But I wanted to emphasize that traditional confidence is subjective not objective. Many types of personalities can coexist and still be confident, in unique ways. A bubbly person wouldn't display sorrow and hyper maturity as a means of confidence. A bubbly person would be happy and energetic. It all varies. Hesitation comes from assurance of wisdom. Not going out on a whim to speak recklessly is a sign of maturity because context, filters, and timing matter. You wouldn't tell someone who's relative died about money they owed upon finding the news…This is empathetic. An apathetic person would use this as an opportunity to shun, ridicule, or express their selfishness. Hopefully this clarifies.
Clearly this guy' Is so dumb, being polite while being assertive very possible. Like holding ur emotions in control using ur brain to show power and overall being an unbreakable wall. Being polite whne they try trash on you, shows how less their words action mean to you. But this doesn't mean u don't know need to know how to be assertive especially when the time comes.
@@aliaamin8453just point out the things you feel uncomfortable about. For example someone is harassing you or making fun of you. You should assert dominance by pointing out a direct message telling to that person what you dislike. There's many ways you can do this depending on the situation and context. It takes a lot of practice and remember that there are situations where you even need to become mean or perceived as a bad person. Have the courage to be disliked! It's better to be a stranger to someone else, than to be yourself.
I was raised by my mom, as a single mother and a military she always taught me to be polite despite the other people's reciprocity. I don't want to be perceived as weak, but don't want to leave behind what mother taught me
This changes a lot between UK and US, if you are too direct in the UK you are perceived as rude, in the UK they have other techniques to be assertive and usually involve over-politeness as a power tool. This is very cultural depending.I would say just observe people of power and follow what they do in every situation to learn the cultural context.
Yes, being hyper aggressive is a distinctly American behavioral problem and the reason Americans are perceived as rude and not welcomed in a lot of places I’ve visited abroad. It’s sad that “too polite” is a sign of weakness and a green light to disrespect and devalue others.
Yes, I agree. These American behaviours would not go down too well in the UK. If you tried something like this with a co-worker in the UK if they get pissed and report you, you're toast. You'll be kissing pavement quicker than Barney Rubbles tea towel.
Six years ago, I was involved in a car accident. A woman in her 60s swerved into my lane, but there were no cameras to capture the incident. When I got out of the car and saw that she was elderly, I tried to be polite and apologized on the spot. Unfortunately, she used my apology against me when she called the insurance company. We ended up in court, and she won the case. It’s good to be polite, but not excessively so. It’s more important to ensure that you don’t insult, humiliate, or hurt others than to always try to be overly nice like a “cute kitten.
I use politeness as assertiveness. When I say "please" and keep my voice monotone, it roughly translates as: "Please don't force me to take action. I'm not in the mood and you're not worth the power struggle. Do it "
For me, it's a huge hurdle to go from humble/passive doormat to self respecting/ Assertive & I'm often stuck in humble/passive OR...angry/aggressive so there's a lot of work involved in overcoming my early childhood conditioning to be a frightened DOORMAT if confronting BULLY.. but its worth the effort!!! 😂
This is the next level. If you have enough self esteem and feel you're good enough you'll give of that vibe and you get away with it. But for people who don't think they deserve equal as any other they'll be polite for the wrong reason and so it's better to first expirement and experience of being direct in an assertive way so you'll grow on valuing yourself fairly before you can act/be more polite. It's because than it's a choice of being polite and not a force to be.
This video is great. I have a female phone sales staff and one of my agents is very feminine and naturally submissive and polite. This video is a very concise way to explain to her how she needs to come across while on the phone to be more persuasive.
I've been on both sides of this fence. With my current knowledge, and humbling myself. I now recognize people who use language in this manner, as arrogant. They, for the most part, lose my respect instead of demanding it. The real solution is to be direct and polite. It takes a certain maturity to be confident, know what you want, and still treat others politely.
@@claudsdeluca certainly! In the same shoes… but never give politeness to the rude . Like currency exchange, treating in the same way! Intuition helps a lot in special occasions
@@ranisrikumar5735 concisely said " currency exchange" politely disrespect the rude person back, when you gave him politeness he doesn't have the right to be rude to you, you are not his subordinate or if someone does that you should display a demeanor which display that you are despised with his behavior which is also insignificant to you. In this way you can maintain dignity without stepping out of the boundaries that you hold for yourself.
That’s not a bad general rule, but the point of this video is that politeness is a strategic resource, and the amount of politeness you use depends upon the context and your goals.
Even after all these years this is superb advice. Basically just have a minimal filter, no sugarcoating whatsoever, say what you say and let the chips lie. Not rude, just direct and self assured, but not arrogant, although arrogant is better than no self confidence. Thank you!
I had a boss who was super polite in showing appreciation and trusting me to choose the right priority level for any assignment and I perceived him to be much more powerful than bosses who were rude, overly blunt, and postured (to make up for low self esteem) I wonder if, when you say, don’t be too polite you mostly mean not to hedge, and not to be cryptic and uncommitted to the request.
I agree with this. I believe a person in command showing respect for others through politeness conveys confidence and overall emotional intelligence. I think he means that being TOO polite, as in, becoming submissive or apologetic, will communicate inferiority. But saying please and thank you, showing appreciation... That's just basic for me.
I’m now a boss, I’m polite and nice to my team there are a few who think they are stronger than me because they have strong personalities. I can be strong too, but I also know people don’t work well under too much pressure and I would never want someone to go home and cry and be miserable. So I take the 20% from the rude people. But it’s now taking a toll.
This is communication gold. As a tour guide and teacher working with English speaking people in a non-English speaking country, I can now « read through the lines » ; all the time I have been acting with spotless politeness in case of unexpected troubles, all I have been getting back is « verbal slaps ». I am definitely to keep your advice as priority and will update you with any results.
This is soo true. Being too polite almost always invites other people to walk all over you. I learned this the hard way. Some narcisist minister teach their followers to be too polite then walk all over them.
I often get accused of being too nice which annoys me and sometimes I am not taken seriously compared to others. I am ready to assert myself more, I start a new job in 2 weeks and want to start in the best way.
I would caution you about one thing. Some people will not like it when you assert your power. Being direct will sound assertive, and will be interpreted as you asserting your power. It might feel good, but others might be threatened.
Thank you for this video.. in my mid 20’s recently got a position being one of the head chefs at a restaurant and growing up being assertive has always been hard for me.. “childhood trauma” it’s no inbetween either I’m too hard or I’m too soft so usually I try to lean more towards non conformational.. but this position NEEDS me to step into my power
Wow!!!!!! Thank you for making this video! I had no idea. Being polite was drilled into me since I was a baby, and this has had adverse effects. Now I know something powerful that will help me improve my life.
Thank you so much! I’ve always had such a problem with my tone and could not understand why I was being perceived the way I was. I didn’t use much deference and always speak monotonously and pretty even; this might come off as powerful, but really it’s more calm for me. I’ve been needing to understand how to change and vary this to show more respect for those older than myself. Eternally grateful!
I have to speak in generalizations and somewhat superficially because it’s only a brief video. There are people who spend their entire careers talking about the subtleties of politeness.
A lot of people have taken the wrong thing away from these sorts of videos. Being polite is never a bad thing, being a pushover is - they're two different things. I would much rather follow someone polite & powerful then someone just trying to copy 'alpha male' tips and tricks, aka, just trying to be the powerful part. It is very sad that being polite in America & American men is a sign of weakness - the most motivational and moving people in our generation are kind-hearted people, not people who watch videos on RUclips on how to intimidate and manipulate others. You don't have to be the 'alpha/winner' all the time (you end up coming off as a jackass). Being kind or polite is not a sort of defensive behavior, it shows you're a strong person -- anyone can be mean, not everyone can be genuinely kind. I think in this video emphasizing how you use kindness and politeness as a powerful tool and reinforcing that politeness =/= bad, weak or 'defensive' would have been good (this creates such a toxic world to live in -- we should not see kindness and think 'I can manipulate this person' which is very common in an environment like retail or any workforce) . But this was just a 4 minute video and the speaker said nothing offense and just wants to help people! I'm more so rambling about this sphere of video topic and the people in the comments :sad emoji:
Did you watch the video till the end ? If you want to be near people pleaser you are probably an insecure person. This video simply talks about being assertive and I don't know why you linked it to ‘alpha male’ stuff. Apparently if a woman talks about being in power then people won't say anything. If a man says “women should be polite and not assertive” then he is automatically a misogynist. You would not have even commented if this video was for women. Because a woman can be bossy, assertive etc but a man being assertive is considered as “trying to be alpha”. I have seen feminists saying that men who are intimidated by assertive women see them as bossy. I will the same for you now. You are just a weak person intimidated by assertive man.
You’re 100 percent correct man! Often people perceive politeness as being weak. I’ve suffered a lot in life and now I’ve taken the assertive way of communication. Good that I’ve come across this video
You just need confidence. True confidence is about knowing and being proud of who you are and what you truly want (this takes work to discover), and this confidence will allow you to establish boundaries and be assertive. You only know and are proud of who you are if you do work to uncover your own issues, (this is HUGE because so many people have trauma they are not aware of, sometimes making them people pleasers) and then finally be true to yourself (discipline) and develop and succeed in your desires (be it family, relationships, wealth, fitness, etc).
Thank you very much for this lesson. I came a year ago from North Afrika to study nursing in Germany and I have a very big problem with this piont. Now I know where my problem is.
I’m not sure about this. I’ve had bosses who were courteous and people (including me) always admired them for their ability to be human. I’ve also had bosses who weren’t courteous or polite, and I did not respect them because they just didn’t seem to care about others. I think there has to be a balance. I understand that being too polite could be perceived as weakness, but isn’t it possible to be courteously assertive?
I think you’re talking about 2 different kinds of people. I bet the courteous bosses treated you with respect, and the other kind of bosses spoke to you in a disrespectful, demeaning, and rude way.
If you must show politeness, do it in an assertive way. Meaning being polite directly. If you have to nod, nod once and be done with it. It shows power to be respectful. Find balance between being respectful and being too polite.
It's just a yank thing. I wouldn't worry about it. Look at what these tw4ts have done in Iraq, Syria etc etc. Stay polite and humble and stay classy like a upper class Brit as opposed to a typical obnoxious loud mouthed American.
I've been polite and people see it as weakness 100%. It's crazy. But such is the world. Wouldnt it be nice to have everyone being nice and polite to one another but that's like wishing a lion to be nice and cuddly...can't be it'll rip your arm off if you tried cuddling it. Thank you for this video i need to learn to be less polite, show less hesitation❤
Even if the lion was cuddly, we wouldn’t want it to be as it would lead to collapse of our ecosystem. Hence, you only learn to adapt to the system which is already in place for millions of years.
Absolutely gold. 10 seconds in and I already knew this video was going to be good. Thanks Bryan for your great work and sharing your skills and knowledge with us!
Politeness is ingrained in me and I find direct assertiveness a real challenge. I hear what you're saying about being mindful and intentionally thinking about being assertive. I typically don't think to do this until after the fact.
Today, I learned about the inverse relationship between power and politeness. When I first heard it, my mind initially argued against it, as I believed that being polite isn't a sign of weakness. However, by the end of the video, I was convinced of the connection based on the facts the lecturer provided. Thank you very much sir ❤
I think it's circumstantial. My family's from the south and raised me as such. I say please, I say thank you. Meanwhile, one of my co workers bosses everyone around at work, except me. He has no authority, just trying to fake it till you make it. Why not me? I am the most respectful person you can meet, until you disrespect me. Then I become blunt and dominate. He made the mistake of trying to tell me what to do just once, and I put him in his place. I wasn't an asshole. But I was assertive. Meanwhile, if I hold the door open for you, and you don't say thank you, I don't assume you're more assertive or dominate than me. I assume you're a disrespectful, anflgty little asshole. If I'm in your way, and you say "move" instead of "excuse me", you're not dominate, you're not assertive, you're an asshole that's about to get put in his place.
This is the comment! Also from the south where mannerisms are embedded in you early on. As I’m older now, I’m still very respectful as a reflection of my upbringing, but DON’T PLAY with me.
If by politeness you mean beating aroumd the bush then I agree. I think speaking in a respectful, calm and neat manner radiates strength, power and selfcontrol.
Thank you so much for posting this video! I definitely have a hard time being assertive towards others because I am afraid of what the outcome will be. Please continue to post more! This video was extra helpful!
Am. Totally agreeing with this great man 6 years late to see this video As a psychologist I know things in detail In jobs even in relationships we should be clear sound firm and direct assertive some times
I love this. I experienced the inverse power of being too polite just yesterday, lol. I may have lost a potential client or a whack of referrals in the process. As General George Patton said: “I may be wrong, but I’m never in doubt.” This was a powerful lesson. Thank you for posting it!
Wow!! I wish I’d known this 30years ago when I lived in the US for 6 months. Would have saved me some confusion. Too much verbal deference can be dangerous. In the Australian military we were encouraged to be direct to provide important information to senior sailors and officers. Being indirect is obfuscating and dangerous to informed decision making
True. Simple, straight and firm way is the best way to deal with people in general. In Hindi we have a saying that goes like "too sweet a thing is quickly swallowed"😊
It is almost physically painful for me not to be polite despite other people deferring to me in many fields. Guess that must stem out of some self esteem issues in my case
This is so true, and I've learned this lesson in the most difficult way, which is through experience. Also true is that, if you really feel in a superior position, you don't usually get angry or upset with any kind of response. You listen, understand the issue, ask, and then you just evaluate the response based on logic and common sense, and answer accordingly. If your interlocutor is being rude, when appropriate, simply say that you can tell he or she is upset and suggest continuing the conversation at another time.
The most important thing that should be on everyone mind currently should be to invest in different sources of income that doesn't depend on the government. Especially with the current economic crisis
Thank goodness you brought this up! Truly, investing has changed my perspective on how one can succeed in life; working multiple jobs isn't the optimal way to attain financial freedom and unfortunately, we discover this later in life. Currently earn as much as 10 grand weekly and this has improved my financial life. Great piece!
@@jonathanmorgan4803 Wow, congratulations on your impressive investment success! Your discipline and focus on delayed gratification is truly inspiring. I'm curious, what are some of the key factors that you consider when making investment decisions? Do you have any tips for those of us who are just starting to dip our toes into the world of investing? Thanks for sharing your story!
You are right. The best approach I feel is to diversify investments- by spreading investments across different asset classes like bonds, real estate, and international stocks, they can reduce the impact of a market meltdown.
@@jonathanmorgan4803 Please Do you mind sharing info on the adviser who assisted you? I'm 39 now and would love to grow my portfolio and plan my retirement.
This video looks like an extract from a textbook on assertiveness. Giving examples of words that exude assertiveness instead of politeness or presenting situations and suggesting how to respond will definitely help.
Its easier said than done for us introverts ... we tend to be polite reacting to every words other say just to make them not feel left out .. like we were our whole life. But, i guess world was not made with us in mind
when you are being polite you are expressing your respect and value you are giving to the other side. The rest depends on the quality of the other side. If s/he has a self respect you will be reciprocated, if not you will be looked down. If you are looked down you are free as a bird to choose the way your communication method because your conscience will never hurt you anymore...but always be strong enough to take the risk of being polite first.
Power is an illusion. Connection makes the difference Every time. There’s nothing I’m more fond of than a Genuinely Kind Gentleman. Old fashioned? Perhaps. There’s never been any substitute for respect. You give it. You’ll receive it.
Power is an illusion? Ok, go into your boss’s office on Monday, and tell them that you think they’re an idiot, you’re sick of their BS, and you’re going home early. Tell me if you still have a job on Tuesday. We may not like power, but it’s is naive in the extreme to think it doesn’t exist.
@@HowCommunicationWorks What a shocking response from a ‘Professor’! You’re surely entitled to your opinion as we all. Thoughts are better not centered on dominating anyone or anything. Good conscience suffice confidence in Goodness, Peace and breeds Respect. The example of hostility toward a boss in and of itself speaks volumes. Rewarding employees for their ‘Good’ leads to far greater success. Wisdom recognizes your servant is your master.
@@champs-elysees6091 your last sentence is proof that you know there is a master and servant, ie a power dynamic. Even if you want to pretend it doesn’t exist
Your comment reeks of insecurity. If you see a person who is being direct or assertive to you as disrespectful then you are a weak woman. Ironically if a man say that about assertive women then he is a misogynist.
This makes so much sense! I grew up being told not to inconvenience people and that I’m pretty much here to serve others. Whenever I speak to anyone I’m overly polite and always apologizing for existing in other people’s presence. I’m 36 and barely learning that I’m a passive communicator and I’m really striving to be an assertive communicator. Gotta switch my whole life up! 😅
I think there is no need to demonstrate your power to everyone by not being polite, I'd rather choose a balanced relationship with all around me. However i got the point thank you. Sir
There’s always a trade-off between being very direct and being very polite or indirect. Where we fall on this continuum is a function of several factors, especially power, social distance, and the ranking of the face threatening act.
Being polite doesn’t mean taking shit from others. Being polite isn’t the same as having a weak character. I deal with many people that have this sick mentality and I just have to remind them “POLITELY” that I’m not dealing with their BS. Be a source of light in this effed up world. We all need it. Be polite.
"Be a source of light in this world" I absolutely agree! And there are ways to get your point across politely even when someone wrongs you. I like to tell them calmly and professionally how they treated me was unacceptable before I break up with the guy or quit the job lol
It's important why you're polite is a certain amount. When it's because you have the choice to be or not to be polite it's okay. But better train to be less polite when it's because you don't have that choice. And then, when capable to be polite ánd be not polite, be as polite as you can. Better be a warrior in the garden than a gardener on the battlefield.
World full of mean people should not turn you rude and arrogant like them. You can be powerful and stronger in words with a polite tone. At least I learnt that ....don't change your pure self to become like them. The righteous path had always been tough, keep going.
You're missing his point. This is advice holds during times when your authority is unknown to the other party, but you WANT to sound extra authoritative (to achieve some end). If your authority is known/clear to everyone and you try to be "impolite" beyond your authority, it'll definitely backfire and you'll seem like a foolish a**hole.
@@youarenotthisbody6017 I think I gather what you're trying to say, but no I don't think I missed the point. His point was that we'll perceive someone to have more power by how impolite they are, which I disagree with. Being polite is not weakness, it's just being respectful. I'll give an example. I work in a field where we have ranks, so it's always clear who the superior is in terms of what rank we are. When I have a supervisor who is rude or impolite I actually perceive them as weaker than the ones who are polite and respectful. The impolite ones usually are worse leaders in my experience, and actually lack knowledge of the job which is maybe why they feel the need to be rude/impolite as a way to compensate for their insecurity. The polite and respectful supervisors are the ones that know what to do, and will be there to help with the work because they don't see themselves as somehow better than everyone else
@tomoates8568 I see. So there's an implicit context/background about what this guy's talking about in the video: Your authority is not actually explicit to the other party to begin with. If it's open to everyone who's the boss, it might even be a benefit to the boss to show A LITTLE courtesy because it doubles the motivation: you're the boss AND a nice person! The other thing you're assuming is that NOT being polite means you HAVE to be rude. That's not true. Someone being polite might use terms like please, thank you, and other niceties. If you don't use them, it doesn't always mean you're being rude. In the example you gave, both of these things are off. You know the authority of the people (your supervisors), and they're being rude. I work as a Software Engineer in a big tech firm, and my supervisors are generally pretty nice and polite. They can afford to do that because that gives people double the motivation to listen to them: they have authority, and who doesn't like to be asked politely!
@@tomoates8568 Also, authority is not just about words. Sometimes you can be verbally polite, but still broadcast authority by your body language and demeanor (which people generally call confidence). I think this is another unsaid context on the video. So don't try to use his statements as the absolute truth. There are a lot of nuances to it. I still think it's good advice generally when you have to assert your authority in unknown territories.
I think you’re right, but when someone is not polite to me I have a habit of avoiding them at all costs. When people are assertive with me, I appreciate it, but I still prefer to communicate with the polite person. I had this experience when looking into realty.
Makes sense to me. You don’t want to be a pushover in dealing with others. Yes men are not respected by others. Presenting yourself with surety and confidence is very important. The way people perceive you, will determine how they treat you. That being said, people need to know that you care for them. This is a difficult balance. I am still working on the second part of this equation.
I’m extremely polite, but as soon as I feel that’s being overlooked as weakness, I mentally and verbally step in and put them on track 😂 it always takes them off guard
There’s another caveat: race and gender. As a black woman attorney I am very careful and deliberate w my words for this reason. Some demographics are better at deferring to me than others. These are nuances that must be taken into account. My directness can be perceived as an angry black woman or arrogant…. And I am tall and athletic. So Sometimes I have to soften my delivery or even insert “i think…” just to get my point heard. I have been perceived as a ‘threat’ just be entering a room. And side note: this why it is not a flex when people say “i dont see color” when referring to race … it is a VERY relevant factor in everyday relating…
Hello Sir, Thank you so much for your video!! I appreciate the time that you took to create it, and even included word text for your audience to conveniently read. I am currently building myself as an assertive person. For far too long I have been seen as "too nice"/ "too sweet". I do not wish to be stepped on, nor to come off as rude, yet be deliver my words, actions with assertiveness.
I’m polite to everyone - until they don’t respond in kind - then they get the more assertive version. But I wouldn’t be going around being assertive first or you’ll come across like an arrogant @$$hole
My father is someone who yelled at me endlessly for no reason (mainly because he was a weak man when dealing with other men). This made me a total pushover in adult life, to the extent of being scammed and ripped off often.
My problem is when I am assertive indirect people become very submissive to me and I hate when people are submissive and don't have their own minds or they become intimidated in get offended or feel like they need to
I find that being a large muscular man helps in persuading others. I am usually incredibly polite most of the time, especially when I had less muscle mass. People would walk all over me when I was younger because I was polite and not fit. Then I started exercising and now people are a lot nicer. So when I'm firm, I am backed up with my large statue and people tend to respect that. Just my observations.
Love this video! I've noticed exactly what you talked about in my day to day interactions. Can I ask if there is a reason why we might need to assert our power in day to day situations like in regards to making new friends etc.. Whenever I try to do so I feel guilty as I feel I'm being too dominant and in a way looking down on the other person... But I feel like this is also holding me back from my true power.
It really depends on your personality and preferences. Some people feel they have been to passive or have been taken advantage of. So they want to know how to be more assertive.
This video definitely help me see where I’ve been going wrong all my career. I now know that me being a naturally polite person, have been giving people the ok to walk all over me. I’ll dial it back a whole lot from now on!
Ohhh, so this is what I've been doing wrong. 🤦 I am super polite and respectful woman and I was wondering what gives men permission to try to walk all over me. It takes so much energy to make them stay in their lane.
@BrunetteBabe It takes practice, but it can be managed. Start with something small. You can do this. ♥️ Sometimes I wonder if I am slightly autistic or slightly ADHD as well. It is tough out there.
Ppl like polite but ppl that are predatory can mistaken it as weakness. I used to be picked on when I was a kid bc I hated to hurt ppl unless I was pissed off and it flipped. I’ve learned that it is ok to stand up for your self and it is needed to have respect for yourself and for others to respect you but mainly for you to respect yourself
While I don't like your message, I know it to be true, both from experience and from the teachings of my friend Jeff Pfeffer. The exception to the rule you mentioned near the end is wise. I appreciate learning uncomfortable truths. Good video. I just subscribed to your channel and added your video to my Power playlist.
The best advice grandpa can give to you. Now with passive-aggressive communication style, things are differently. I used to work in the construction where was a lot of businessmen with their midsize companies trying to do their work in limited space and in time frame and those were very high stress situations. They were never go to listen to me to some fresh guy in 20s, but if I was not polite it would not brought us anywhere, just constant conflicts.
I m 43. Once i was talking to my fathers cardiologist over phone, when my cousin told me after the call, that i sounded like a pissant. I reflected on it. Now, i record my phone calls, and then listen to them again. Yes, I come across as a pissant talking to some people. Changing myself slowly.
I think its important to differentiate between people you are polite or “nice” to and everyone else so to say …took me 39 years n im still learnin but im gettin there i rekon
I agree with this, I’m too polite and I thought people would see me as nice but they just see me as weak. I need to stop people pleasing too, because people actually respect people pleasers less…learning this slowly but surely
I am the same way!
Sing it, sister!
Lol I was raised by a single monther and she tried to raise me just like that. She was genuinely shocked when she saw me interact with others and commented how rude I was. I quickly was able to understand just what she was doing when I was a teen and called her out on that. She didn't like it. Later on, she accepted it though.
You are not alone. I don't know if I can ever fix this part in my personality
i am trying hard not be polite but i am failinh everyday let me know when you succeed...it will give me little confidence may be
Here's some insight for whoever. I used to be passive not quite from being polite or agreeable, but more from an unimaginable amount of patience. And just trust me when I say that it 8/10 it never leads to favorable outcomes. Now I learned that just for the sake of a better outcome and getting what i need, I HAVE to be firm at the time of need with people.
I adapted in name of productivity 🙏🏾
Thank you for your comment! It's very helpful.
Very plain but insightfull claim, thank you!
This helps me improve my outlook. Thank you kind Sir ❤
I hate that this is true. I used to be too polite around others, but pathetic people see that as invitation for abuse. I am still working on figuring out assertiveness.
yeah bro the politness and the good is perceived not attractive to most girls and is perceived as weakness to the bad people
Very true !
Same!
I spent my entire youth being polite and nice to people only to get abuse too. I learned to be firm. I wish I had learned this when I was in high school I would have saved myself abuse and trouble. Well mostly with regard to blood relatives. Strangers I am assertive! That boundary had been established early!
@@guyaneseadventure me too, I started being assertive
I’ve been overly polite and respectful and people definitely take advantage of that.
So now I’ll give this a go in this new year. Thank you
it's really hard to be assertive without being rude, especially when the other person makes you angry, to not act from that anger
Yes, there’s a fine line between directness and rudeness.
@@HowCommunicationWorks facts
@@HowCommunicationWorks thought you'd go on to say what the line is?..
@@HowCommunicationWorks what's the line?
@@emmanueluduak5498 wondering that myself you can't be neutral with some without them taking offense so it's not just how you say what you say I think speaking diplomatically works best yet you can't use that to answer mundane simple shit like were is charger and do you know where to drive to. At this point I'm more convinced its just them wanting to be pissed at me then I'm doing anything.
I learned politeness being raised by a single mother...it hurt me as a man...amongst men....its almost like there is no politeness..so if you try being polite then that's seen as weakness. But towards women...politeness is good...deprogrammed myself in my 40s...😥
I was once like that too. Single mom too.
I am I the process of reprogramming myself, I'm 40 and am too polite. People are walking all over me. I've had enough
No, being too polite towards women is not good (unless they are total strangers).
@@thedentistbakery2010 Same here. Just ask people why they are being so rude. Make them explain themselves. That will help put you back in control.
@@mikereiss4216 that's good advice. Trouble is I freeze up and can't think of what to say. It's really annoying. Just gotta keep working at it. My grandfather was razor sharp. If anyone said anything against him he'd verbally light their ass up!
Yes! Set healthy boundaries with people. You teach people how to treat you.
@@sarahf.s.2961 🎉🙏
Being polite =/= not being assertive.
The best communicators are those that can be polite and respectful, whilst still also advocating for themselves, their values, their goals etc in a direct manner.
Most people are like this. Being kind and being nice are two different lifestyles. Kindness is rooted in authenticity whereas the census surrounding Niceness is that it's rooted in inauthenticity.
Nice people struggle in this area because they don't want to be seen as offensive or rude thereby causing them not to advocate for their ideals. Kindness is moreso people saying what needs to be said because it needs to be said, regardless of whether people get offended or not.
I think polite is the wrong word choice here. Please/thank you/sir/ma'am are all fine. Circumlocution might be better? That probably makes for a less catchy video title though.
@@Autumnleafinthewind I do those things fairly commonly and am not seen as weak nor do I see myself as weak. Only he that is unwise, openly says their thoughts without regard for counsel.
Smiling for "no reason" is not inappropriate. Speaking for myself, I have testimonies of people being influenced by someone who is smiling just cause even if it is awkward in its context or when they should be upset. Being unconditionally yourself, or even smiling in these situations offers others a space to be comfortable. It also shows that your composure isn't dictated by external factors, rather yourself.
What you're describing is a problematic people-pleaser. These are synonymous behaviors with someone who is shy. Being reserved isn't always a sign of insecurity. Reserved behaviors often convey introspective values, discomfort, or social withdrawal( within reason). Lacking in social skills can go either way so the observation isn't all the way true.
Per my first, really we're discussing the same thing. But I wanted to emphasize that traditional confidence is subjective not objective. Many types of personalities can coexist and still be confident, in unique ways. A bubbly person wouldn't display sorrow and hyper maturity as a means of confidence. A bubbly person would be happy and energetic. It all varies.
Hesitation comes from assurance of wisdom. Not going out on a whim to speak recklessly is a sign of maturity because context, filters, and timing matter. You wouldn't tell someone who's relative died about money they owed upon finding the news…This is empathetic. An apathetic person would use this as an opportunity to shun, ridicule, or express their selfishness. Hopefully this clarifies.
Clearly this guy' Is so dumb, being polite while being assertive very possible. Like holding ur emotions in control using ur brain to show power and overall being an unbreakable wall.
Being polite whne they try trash on you, shows how less their words action mean to you. But this doesn't mean u don't know need to know how to be assertive especially when the time comes.
@phantomberzerk9486 He's not dumb he's correct. You, though, are rude.
I been more assertive at work in the last few years , people appreciate that
Examples please
@@aliaamin8453 talk to me about your job and I can give you some pointers
@@aliaamin8453just point out the things you feel uncomfortable about. For example someone is harassing you or making fun of you. You should assert dominance by pointing out a direct message telling to that person what you dislike. There's many ways you can do this depending on the situation and context. It takes a lot of practice and remember that there are situations where you even need to become mean or perceived as a bad person. Have the courage to be disliked! It's better to be a stranger to someone else, than to be yourself.
I was raised by my mom, as a single mother and a military she always taught me to be polite despite the other people's reciprocity. I don't want to be perceived as weak, but don't want to leave behind what mother taught me
♥️Brother ,The right path never fails, respect to your mum, she did the right thing♥️
Back then it was good but now such people r increasingly rare , may end in despair
Be polite always but don’t let anyone take your politeness for weakness
This changes a lot between UK and US, if you are too direct in the UK you are perceived as rude, in the UK they have other techniques to be assertive and usually involve over-politeness as a power tool. This is very cultural depending.I would say just observe people of power and follow what they do in every situation to learn the cultural context.
Yes, being hyper aggressive is a distinctly American behavioral problem and the reason Americans are perceived as rude and not welcomed in a lot of places I’ve visited abroad. It’s sad that “too polite” is a sign of weakness and a green light to disrespect and devalue others.
Yes, I agree. These American behaviours would not go down too well in the UK. If you tried something like this with a co-worker in the UK if they get pissed and report you, you're toast. You'll be kissing pavement quicker than Barney Rubbles tea towel.
This applies to Canada as well
Side effects of monarchy and royalty/aristocracy
That's funny my ancestors are from England but I live in the USA. I'm so White there's a town in England with my last name 😂.
Six years ago, I was involved in a car accident. A woman in her 60s swerved into my lane, but there were no cameras to capture the incident. When I got out of the car and saw that she was elderly, I tried to be polite and apologized on the spot. Unfortunately, she used my apology against me when she called the insurance company. We ended up in court, and she won the case. It’s good to be polite, but not excessively so. It’s more important to ensure that you don’t insult, humiliate, or hurt others than to always try to be overly nice like a “cute kitten.
I am sooo sorry this happened to you. Where are cameras when you need them!
@@anacorona2527 I really appreciate your compassion. It was definitely a tough lesson to learn, but I've grown from the experience.
Same thing happened to
Me haha
Sad to hear that sir😢
I use politeness as assertiveness.
When I say "please" and keep my voice monotone, it roughly translates as:
"Please don't force me to take action. I'm not in the mood and you're not worth the power struggle. Do it "
Wonderful aquírred, skill.
For me, it's a huge hurdle to go from humble/passive doormat to self respecting/ Assertive & I'm often stuck in humble/passive OR...angry/aggressive so there's a lot of work involved in overcoming my early childhood conditioning to be a frightened DOORMAT if confronting BULLY..
but its worth the effort!!! 😂
@@jimrich4192lol same bruh, i got you!
This is the next level. If you have enough self esteem and feel you're good enough you'll give of that vibe and you get away with it. But for people who don't think they deserve equal as any other they'll be polite for the wrong reason and so it's better to first expirement and experience of being direct in an assertive way so you'll grow on valuing yourself fairly before you can act/be more polite. It's because than it's a choice of being polite and not a force to be.
🤣🤣Lol
In the same boat
@@jimrich4192
This video is great. I have a female phone sales staff and one of my agents is very feminine and naturally submissive and polite. This video is a very concise way to explain to her how she needs to come across while on the phone to be more persuasive.
So glad it was helpful.
How did it go?
I've been on both sides of this fence. With my current knowledge, and humbling myself. I now recognize people who use language in this manner, as arrogant. They, for the most part, lose my respect instead of demanding it. The real solution is to be direct and polite. It takes a certain maturity to be confident, know what you want, and still treat others politely.
@@claudsdeluca certainly! In the same shoes… but never give politeness to the rude . Like currency exchange, treating in the same way! Intuition helps a lot in special occasions
Facts
Some people just take advantage and almost automatically try to manipulate respectful people
@@ranisrikumar5735 concisely said " currency exchange" politely disrespect the rude person back, when you gave him politeness he doesn't have the right to be rude to you, you are not his subordinate or if someone does that you should display a demeanor which display that you are despised with his behavior which is also insignificant to you. In this way you can maintain dignity without stepping out of the boundaries that you hold for yourself.
@@CodeWithHammad-806 Thanks 🙏 Nicely explained again 🎉
this is true, specially for us Asians who migrated here in the U.S. - we need to be clear and firm
Be polite or give respect to everyone but don't be too polite or give too much respect to anyone .
That’s not a bad general rule, but the point of this video is that politeness is a strategic resource, and the amount of politeness you use depends upon the context and your goals.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Very well said! Thank you.
Ok but how exactly does this manifest. How do you know when you’ve crossed the line
@@kermittime6507 If you're talking to someone of high authority like your boss or manager or parent
@@kermittime6507 people will let you know. & Then it's your responsibility to decide if you agree or not.
Even after all these years this is superb advice. Basically just have a minimal filter, no sugarcoating whatsoever, say what you say and let the chips lie. Not rude, just direct and self assured, but not arrogant, although arrogant is better than no self confidence. Thank you!
I had a boss who was super polite in showing appreciation and trusting me to choose the right priority level for any assignment and I perceived him to be much more powerful than bosses who were rude, overly blunt, and postured (to make up for low self esteem) I wonder if, when you say, don’t be too polite you mostly mean not to hedge, and not to be cryptic and uncommitted to the request.
Wax on, Wax off.
I agree with this. I believe a person in command showing respect for others through politeness conveys confidence and overall emotional intelligence. I think he means that being TOO polite, as in, becoming submissive or apologetic, will communicate inferiority. But saying please and thank you, showing appreciation... That's just basic for me.
Maybe you are insecure.
True authority is polite, because it is secure.
I’m now a boss, I’m polite and nice to my team there are a few who think they are stronger than me because they have strong personalities. I can be strong too, but I also know people don’t work well under too much pressure and I would never want someone to go home and cry and be miserable. So I take the 20% from the rude people. But it’s now taking a toll.
This is communication gold. As a tour guide and teacher working with English speaking people in a non-English speaking country, I can now « read through the lines » ; all the time I have been acting with spotless politeness in case of unexpected troubles, all I have been getting back is « verbal slaps ». I am definitely to keep your advice as priority and will update you with any results.
what are the results
This is soo true. Being too polite almost always invites other people to walk all over you. I learned this the hard way. Some narcisist minister teach their followers to be too polite then walk all over them.
I often get accused of being too nice which annoys me and sometimes I am not taken seriously compared to others. I am ready to assert myself more, I start a new job in 2 weeks and want to start in the best way.
I would caution you about one thing. Some people will not like it when you assert your power. Being direct will sound assertive, and will be interpreted as you asserting your power. It might feel good, but others might be threatened.
Same me. I need to be more firm, especially in the office with colleagues. All the best with your new job 🎉
Better to be assertive then
Thank you for this video.. in my mid 20’s recently got a position being one of the head chefs at a restaurant and growing up being assertive has always been hard for me.. “childhood trauma” it’s no inbetween either I’m too hard or I’m too soft so usually I try to lean more towards non conformational.. but this position NEEDS me to step into my power
*nonconfrontational
Wow!!!!!! Thank you for making this video! I had no idea. Being polite was drilled into me since I was a baby, and this has had adverse effects. Now I know something powerful that will help me improve my life.
You literally just fix about 99 on my problem thank you !
Thank you so much!
I’ve always had such a problem with my tone and could not understand why I was being perceived the way I was. I didn’t use much deference and always speak monotonously and pretty even; this might come off as powerful, but really it’s more calm for me.
I’ve been needing to understand how to change and vary this to show more respect for those older than myself. Eternally grateful!
You can display yourself as polite and still command the room. It’s an art. What was presented here was just the obvious.
I have to speak in generalizations and somewhat superficially because it’s only a brief video. There are people who spend their entire careers talking about the subtleties of politeness.
A lot of people have taken the wrong thing away from these sorts of videos.
Being polite is never a bad thing, being a pushover is - they're two different things. I would much rather follow someone polite & powerful then someone just trying to copy 'alpha male' tips and tricks, aka, just trying to be the powerful part.
It is very sad that being polite in America & American men is a sign of weakness - the most motivational and moving people in our generation are kind-hearted people, not people who watch videos on RUclips on how to intimidate and manipulate others. You don't have to be the 'alpha/winner' all the time (you end up coming off as a jackass). Being kind or polite is not a sort of defensive behavior, it shows you're a strong person -- anyone can be mean, not everyone can be genuinely kind.
I think in this video emphasizing how you use kindness and politeness as a powerful tool and reinforcing that politeness =/= bad, weak or 'defensive' would have been good (this creates such a toxic world to live in -- we should not see kindness and think 'I can manipulate this person' which is very common in an environment like retail or any workforce) . But this was just a 4 minute video and the speaker said nothing offense and just wants to help people! I'm more so rambling about this sphere of video topic and the people in the comments :sad emoji:
Did you watch the video till the end ? If you want to be near people pleaser you are probably an insecure person.
This video simply talks about being assertive and I don't know why you linked it to ‘alpha male’ stuff.
Apparently if a woman talks about being in power then people won't say anything.
If a man says “women should be polite and not assertive” then he is automatically a misogynist.
You would not have even commented if this video was for women.
Because a woman can be bossy, assertive etc but a man being assertive is considered as “trying to be alpha”.
I have seen feminists saying that men who are intimidated by assertive women see them as bossy.
I will the same for you now. You are just a weak person intimidated by assertive man.
Quite true and interessting thoughts, no matter what
Firmness and Kindness are the best combination
I absolutely agree. It’s sad that politeness is seen as a weakness in today’s world
@@lonimimesekothis applies mainly to western world. I live on a country where being polite is considered a sign of maturity.
weak people is afraid of being polite because they has two faces . strong men do that because they dont care what people's thought .
You’re 100 percent correct man! Often people perceive politeness as being weak. I’ve suffered a lot in life and now I’ve taken the assertive way of communication. Good that I’ve come across this video
👏🎉
How are you doing now? I'm in the same situation
You just need confidence. True confidence is about knowing and being proud of who you are and what you truly want (this takes work to discover), and this confidence will allow you to establish boundaries and be assertive. You only know and are proud of who you are if you do work to uncover your own issues, (this is HUGE because so many people have trauma they are not aware of, sometimes making them people pleasers) and then finally be true to yourself (discipline) and develop and succeed in your desires (be it family, relationships, wealth, fitness, etc).
I just became a police officer and i got a big wake up call. This is a helpful video
congrats on the new job 🎉
I hate rude policemen. There's nothing better than policemen who are polite and treat you like a normal person.
Thank you very much for this lesson. I came a year ago from North Afrika to study nursing in Germany and I have a very big problem with this piont. Now I know where my problem is.
I’m not sure about this. I’ve had bosses who were courteous and people (including me) always admired them for their ability to be human. I’ve also had bosses who weren’t courteous or polite, and I did not respect them because they just didn’t seem to care about others. I think there has to be a balance. I understand that being too polite could be perceived as weakness, but isn’t it possible to be courteously assertive?
I think you’re talking about 2 different kinds of people. I bet the courteous bosses treated you with respect, and the other kind of bosses spoke to you in a disrespectful, demeaning, and rude way.
If you must show politeness, do it in an assertive way. Meaning being polite directly. If you have to nod, nod once and be done with it.
It shows power to be respectful. Find balance between being respectful and being too polite.
It's just a yank thing. I wouldn't worry about it. Look at what these tw4ts have done in Iraq, Syria etc etc. Stay polite and humble and stay classy like a upper class Brit as opposed to a typical obnoxious loud mouthed American.
I totally agree with you, there’s got to be a balance
Men and women both take instructions differently. Women would get offended easily when spoken with firmer tone.
Slowly came to realize this golden wisdom with so many years of experience in the industry, wish I could listen to such content 20 years ago.
I've been polite and people see it as weakness 100%. It's crazy. But such is the world. Wouldnt it be nice to have everyone being nice and polite to one another but that's like wishing a lion to be nice and cuddly...can't be it'll rip your arm off if you tried cuddling it. Thank you for this video i need to learn to be less polite, show less hesitation❤
Even if the lion was cuddly, we wouldn’t want it to be as it would lead to collapse of our ecosystem. Hence, you only learn to adapt to the system which is already in place for millions of years.
I'm working in the Corrections. I will use your advice. Thank you
To me if a powerful person is being polite, my respect would double for that person. Being not polite is plain and simple rudeness.
In India rudeness is strength and talking politely is a weakness, indians are used to shit people
Always be polite and respectful. I teach this to my English as second language students.
Absolutely gold. 10 seconds in and I already knew this video was going to be good. Thanks Bryan for your great work and sharing your skills and knowledge with us!
Politeness is ingrained in me and I find direct assertiveness a real challenge. I hear what you're saying about being mindful and intentionally thinking about being assertive. I typically don't think to do this until after the fact.
Today, I learned about the inverse relationship between power and politeness. When I first heard it, my mind initially argued against it, as I believed that being polite isn't a sign of weakness. However, by the end of the video, I was convinced of the connection based on the facts the lecturer provided. Thank you very much sir ❤
You are right..be direct (not rude).be respectful and polite (Not too polite)
I think it's circumstantial. My family's from the south and raised me as such. I say please, I say thank you.
Meanwhile, one of my co workers bosses everyone around at work, except me. He has no authority, just trying to fake it till you make it. Why not me? I am the most respectful person you can meet, until you disrespect me. Then I become blunt and dominate. He made the mistake of trying to tell me what to do just once, and I put him in his place. I wasn't an asshole. But I was assertive.
Meanwhile, if I hold the door open for you, and you don't say thank you, I don't assume you're more assertive or dominate than me. I assume you're a disrespectful, anflgty little asshole. If I'm in your way, and you say "move" instead of "excuse me", you're not dominate, you're not assertive, you're an asshole that's about to get put in his place.
Love me a true Southern gentleman.
@@donger9394 👏🎉
This is the comment! Also from the south where mannerisms are embedded in you early on. As I’m older now, I’m still very respectful as a reflection of my upbringing, but DON’T PLAY with me.
If by politeness you mean beating aroumd the bush then I agree.
I think speaking in a respectful, calm and neat manner radiates strength, power and selfcontrol.
Thank you so much for posting this video! I definitely have a hard time being assertive towards others because I am afraid of what the outcome will be. Please continue to post more! This video was extra helpful!
Thank you. I will. Being assertive does have consequences. Not everyone will welcome your assertion of power.
This is hugely helpful! I defer to my detriment frequently! Your video has shown me where I go wrong. Thank you for this.
Am. Totally agreeing with this great man
6 years late to see this video
As a psychologist I know things in detail
In jobs even in relationships we should be clear sound firm and direct assertive some times
I wish we could see some hypothetical examples. That would be very helpful.
I love this.
I experienced the inverse power of being too polite just yesterday, lol.
I may have lost a potential client or a whack of referrals in the process.
As General George Patton said:
“I may be wrong, but I’m never in doubt.”
This was a powerful lesson.
Thank you for posting it!
Please continue being polite people.
It goes a long way in any businesses and social interactions
Can be outside, but not inside That’s all this video is about…🎉
@@ranisrikumar5735 be genuine. Principles above personalities. I own a modest business chain.
What I learned from this video:
We have to express our needs directly without beating around the bush
Wow!! I wish I’d known this 30years ago when I lived in the US for 6 months. Would have saved me some confusion. Too much verbal deference can be dangerous. In the Australian military we were encouraged to be direct to provide important information to senior sailors and officers. Being indirect is obfuscating and dangerous to informed decision making
True. Simple, straight and firm way is the best way to deal with people in general. In Hindi we have a saying that goes like "too sweet a thing is quickly swallowed"😊
It is almost physically painful for me not to be polite despite other people deferring to me in many fields. Guess that must stem out of some self esteem issues in my case
This is so true, and I've learned this lesson in the most difficult way, which is through experience.
Also true is that, if you really feel in a superior position, you don't usually get angry or upset with any kind of response. You listen, understand the issue, ask, and then you just evaluate the response based on logic and common sense, and answer accordingly.
If your interlocutor is being rude, when appropriate, simply say that you can tell he or she is upset and suggest continuing the conversation at another time.
The most important thing that should be on everyone mind currently should be to invest in different sources of income that doesn't depend on the government. Especially with the current economic crisis
Thank goodness you brought this up! Truly, investing has changed my perspective on how one can succeed in life; working multiple jobs isn't the optimal way to attain financial freedom and unfortunately, we discover this later in life. Currently earn as much as 10 grand weekly and this has improved my financial life. Great piece!
@@jonathanmorgan4803
Wow, congratulations on your impressive investment success! Your discipline and focus on delayed gratification is truly inspiring. I'm curious, what are some of the key factors that you consider when making investment decisions? Do you have any tips for those of us who are just starting to dip our toes into the world of investing? Thanks for sharing your story!
@@camerontita7661Things you can invest In
Real estate
Stock Crypto
Bonds
Bitcoin
You are right. The best approach I feel is to diversify investments- by spreading investments across different asset classes like bonds, real estate, and international stocks, they can reduce the impact of a market meltdown.
@@jonathanmorgan4803
Please Do you mind sharing info on the adviser who assisted you? I'm 39 now and would love to grow my portfolio and plan my retirement.
This video looks like an extract from a textbook on assertiveness. Giving examples of words that exude assertiveness instead of politeness or presenting situations and suggesting how to respond will definitely help.
Its easier said than done for us introverts ... we tend to be polite reacting to every words other say just to make them not feel left out .. like we were our whole life. But, i guess world was not made with us in mind
when you are being polite you are expressing your respect and value you are giving to the other side. The rest depends on the quality of the other side. If s/he has a self respect you will be reciprocated, if not you will be looked down. If you are looked down you are free as a bird to choose the way your communication method because your conscience will never hurt you anymore...but always be strong enough to take the risk of being polite first.
Power is an illusion.
Connection makes the difference Every time.
There’s nothing I’m more fond of than a Genuinely Kind Gentleman.
Old fashioned? Perhaps.
There’s never been any substitute for respect.
You give it.
You’ll receive it.
Power is an illusion? Ok, go into your boss’s office on Monday, and tell them that you think they’re an idiot, you’re sick of their BS, and you’re going home early. Tell me if you still have a job on Tuesday. We may not like power, but it’s is naive in the extreme to think it doesn’t exist.
@@HowCommunicationWorks
What a shocking response from a ‘Professor’! You’re surely entitled to your opinion as we all.
Thoughts are better not centered on dominating anyone or anything.
Good conscience suffice confidence in Goodness, Peace and breeds Respect.
The example of hostility toward a boss in and of itself speaks volumes.
Rewarding employees for their ‘Good’ leads to far greater success. Wisdom recognizes your servant is your master.
@@champs-elysees6091 your last sentence is proof that you know there is a master and servant, ie a power dynamic. Even if you want to pretend it doesn’t exist
Well being a nice man is good but if you are so nice to everyone that you became a tool for everybody to pass around and play then you are in trouble.
Your comment reeks of insecurity.
If you see a person who is being direct or assertive to you as disrespectful then you are a weak woman.
Ironically if a man say that about assertive women then he is a misogynist.
This makes so much sense! I grew up being told not to inconvenience people and that I’m pretty much here to serve others. Whenever I speak to anyone I’m overly polite and always apologizing for existing in other people’s presence. I’m 36 and barely learning that I’m a passive communicator and I’m really striving to be an assertive communicator. Gotta switch my whole life up! 😅
I think there is no need to demonstrate your power to everyone by not being polite, I'd rather choose a balanced relationship with all around me. However i got the point thank you. Sir
There’s always a trade-off between being very direct and being very polite or indirect. Where we fall on this continuum is a function of several factors, especially power, social distance, and the ranking of the face threatening act.
Being authentic is the best way to be assertive because authenticity means absence of all pretenses,
Being polite doesn’t mean taking shit from others. Being polite isn’t the same as having a weak character.
I deal with many people that have this sick mentality and I just have to remind them “POLITELY” that I’m not dealing with their BS.
Be a source of light in this effed up world. We all need it. Be polite.
Super comment
Exactly. Being polite saying, please and sorry shouldn’t make you weak. I think it depends on how you phrase something
"Be a source of light in this world" I absolutely agree! And there are ways to get your point across politely even when someone wrongs you. I like to tell them calmly and professionally how they treated me was unacceptable
before I break up with the guy or quit the job lol
It's important why you're polite is a certain amount. When it's because you have the choice to be or not to be polite it's okay. But better train to be less polite when it's because you don't have that choice.
And then, when capable to be polite ánd be not polite, be as polite as you can.
Better be a warrior in the garden than a gardener on the battlefield.
Great video man. I struggled with this a long time.
this is what i like about youtube. You can have a powerful advice like this for free.
World full of mean people should not turn you rude and arrogant like them. You can be powerful and stronger in words with a polite tone. At least I learnt that ....don't change your pure self to become like them. The righteous path had always been tough, keep going.
This is just a bit off in my opinion. There’s a clear difference to me between being polite, and being passive or weak
I agree. It's important to be polite but it's also important to be confident when you speak and say what you mean and mean what you say.
You're missing his point. This is advice holds during times when your authority is unknown to the other party, but you WANT to sound extra authoritative (to achieve some end).
If your authority is known/clear to everyone and you try to be "impolite" beyond your authority, it'll definitely backfire and you'll seem like a foolish a**hole.
@@youarenotthisbody6017 I think I gather what you're trying to say, but no I don't think I missed the point. His point was that we'll perceive someone to have more power by how impolite they are, which I disagree with. Being polite is not weakness, it's just being respectful. I'll give an example.
I work in a field where we have ranks, so it's always clear who the superior is in terms of what rank we are. When I have a supervisor who is rude or impolite I actually perceive them as weaker than the ones who are polite and respectful. The impolite ones usually are worse leaders in my experience, and actually lack knowledge of the job which is maybe why they feel the need to be rude/impolite as a way to compensate for their insecurity. The polite and respectful supervisors are the ones that know what to do, and will be there to help with the work because they don't see themselves as somehow better than everyone else
@tomoates8568 I see. So there's an implicit context/background about what this guy's talking about in the video: Your authority is not actually explicit to the other party to begin with. If it's open to everyone who's the boss, it might even be a benefit to the boss to show A LITTLE courtesy because it doubles the motivation: you're the boss AND a nice person!
The other thing you're assuming is that NOT being polite means you HAVE to be rude. That's not true. Someone being polite might use terms like please, thank you, and other niceties. If you don't use them, it doesn't always mean you're being rude.
In the example you gave, both of these things are off. You know the authority of the people (your supervisors), and they're being rude.
I work as a Software Engineer in a big tech firm, and my supervisors are generally pretty nice and polite. They can afford to do that because that gives people double the motivation to listen to them: they have authority, and who doesn't like to be asked politely!
@@tomoates8568 Also, authority is not just about words. Sometimes you can be verbally polite, but still broadcast authority by your body language and demeanor (which people generally call confidence).
I think this is another unsaid context on the video.
So don't try to use his statements as the absolute truth. There are a lot of nuances to it.
I still think it's good advice generally when you have to assert your authority in unknown territories.
Great Video!! I just read a book on this issue called "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz. It was an eye opener for me. Thx for this..
Glad it was helpful!
The more I try to be polite to the rude people at work the more rude they become. You have to stand up for yourself so you wouldn't become a doormat
Yup, stand up for yourself is the best, no matter what the situation is . Basically polite people can manage different opinions
i watched your half video and tried on military officer, i recommend everybody watch full video
I think you’re right, but when someone is not polite to me I have a habit of avoiding them at all costs. When people are assertive with me, I appreciate it, but I still prefer to communicate with the polite person. I had this experience when looking into realty.
You can be both assertive and yet not rude
Makes sense to me. You don’t want to be a pushover in dealing with others. Yes men are not respected by others. Presenting yourself with surety and confidence is very important. The way people perceive you, will determine how they treat you.
That being said, people need to know that you care for them. This is a difficult balance. I am still working on the second part of this equation.
I would have loved some examples for better clarity.
I’m extremely polite, but as soon as I feel that’s being overlooked as weakness, I mentally and verbally step in and put them on track 😂 it always takes them off guard
There’s another caveat: race and gender. As a black woman attorney I am very careful and deliberate w my words for this reason. Some demographics are better at deferring to me than others. These are nuances that must be taken into account. My directness can be perceived as an angry black woman or arrogant…. And I am tall and athletic. So Sometimes I have to soften my delivery or even insert “i think…” just to get my point heard. I have been perceived as a ‘threat’ just be entering a room. And side note: this why it is not a flex when people say “i dont see color” when referring to race … it is a VERY relevant factor in everyday relating…
Hello Sir,
Thank you so much for your video!! I appreciate the time that you took to create it, and even included word text for your audience to conveniently read.
I am currently building myself as an assertive person. For far too long I have been seen as "too nice"/ "too sweet". I do not wish to be stepped on, nor to come off as rude, yet be deliver my words, actions with assertiveness.
It all comes down to balance. My words are extremely polite but my tone is not and people generally understand that I mean business.
can't believe I missed this great advice for 6 years. Keep up 👍
Thank you for this insightful and powerful message
I’m polite to everyone - until they don’t respond in kind - then they get the more assertive version. But I wouldn’t be going around being assertive first or you’ll come across like an arrogant @$$hole
Thank you for the disclaimers
Lets not confuse being polite with being apologetic. You can never be too polite, but you don’t have to apologise for existing.
There’s difference in being polite and “Too” polite! And some times we blurr the lines!
Great video 👌✨
My father is someone who yelled at me endlessly for no reason (mainly because he was a weak man when dealing with other men). This made me a total pushover in adult life, to the extent of being scammed and ripped off often.
I’m sorry to hear this
My problem is when I am assertive indirect people become very submissive to me and I hate when people are submissive and don't have their own minds or they become intimidated in get offended or feel like they need to
The social world is complicated. It’s an intricate dance.
I've been thinking about this for a long time and this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks
Glad it was helpful!
I find that being a large muscular man helps in persuading others. I am usually incredibly polite most of the time, especially when I had less muscle mass. People would walk all over me when I was younger because I was polite and not fit. Then I started exercising and now people are a lot nicer. So when I'm firm, I am backed up with my large statue and people tend to respect that. Just my observations.
I need to practice this more...I must.
thank you!
Love this video! I've noticed exactly what you talked about in my day to day interactions. Can I ask if there is a reason why we might need to assert our power in day to day situations like in regards to making new friends etc.. Whenever I try to do so I feel guilty as I feel I'm being too dominant and in a way looking down on the other person... But I feel like this is also holding me back from my true power.
It really depends on your personality and preferences. Some people feel they have been to passive or have been taken advantage of. So they want to know how to be more assertive.
This video definitely help me see where I’ve been going wrong all my career. I now know that me being a naturally polite person, have been giving people the ok to walk all over me. I’ll dial it back a whole lot from now on!
@@LetThereBeLight1111 all the best ❤️ let me also know what steps you have taken to overcome politeness.
Perfect! You helped me a lot more with this short video than my therapist in years lol
Ohhh, so this is what I've been doing wrong. 🤦 I am super polite and respectful woman and I was wondering what gives men permission to try to walk all over me. It takes so much energy to make them stay in their lane.
You got this!
@BrunetteBabe It takes practice, but it can be managed. Start with something small. You can do this. ♥️
Sometimes I wonder if I am slightly autistic or slightly ADHD as well. It is tough out there.
@BrunetteBabe Therapy can do wonders.... Or emotional support dog. ♥️
@BrunetteBabe The important things is, that you keep trying.
@@sangichan Thank you! You as well.
Ppl like polite but ppl that are predatory can mistaken it as weakness. I used to be picked on when I was a kid bc I hated to hurt ppl unless I was pissed off and it flipped. I’ve learned that it is ok to stand up for your self and it is needed to have respect for yourself and for others to respect you but mainly for you to respect yourself
While I don't like your message, I know it to be true, both from experience and from the teachings of my friend Jeff Pfeffer. The exception to the rule you mentioned near the end is wise. I appreciate learning uncomfortable truths. Good video. I just subscribed to your channel and added your video to my Power playlist.
This information was paradigm shifting!!! You did an excellent job teaching this. Thanks for sharing! Definitely create another one like it.
Politeness is a virtue; assertion is based on situations, people, etc.
Going to do this! I think I will save some valuable time and not keep explaining or apologizing.
The best advice grandpa can give to you. Now with passive-aggressive communication style, things are differently. I used to work in the construction where was a lot of businessmen with their midsize companies trying to do their work in limited space and in time frame and those were very high stress situations. They were never go to listen to me to some fresh guy in 20s, but if I was not polite it would not brought us anywhere, just constant conflicts.
I m 43. Once i was talking to my fathers cardiologist over phone, when my cousin told me after the call, that i sounded like a pissant.
I reflected on it. Now, i record my phone calls, and then listen to them again. Yes, I come across as a pissant talking to some people. Changing myself slowly.
I think its important to differentiate between people you are polite or “nice” to and everyone else so to say …took me 39 years n im still learnin but im gettin there i rekon