This is How Relationships Become Codependent
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
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The easiest litmus test for that is asking yourself: "could I possibly feel happy if I didn't make her/him happy." If the answer is no, then you're on a slippery slope to a co-dependent relationship, or you're already there. Deriving the happiness in your relationship purely from your own effort to satisfy your partner is a trap that will one day make you unhappy no matter how much effort you keep putting in. They need to make the effort too. Saying "your happiness is my happiness" is fine only if you're absolutely sure it goes both ways.
thanks for this. i really struggle with deriving my entire worth to idea of being in total service for a person. been really hard to get past my first breakup for this reason. but i will persevere. thank you again
Literally the dynamic between my mom and her husband. The neighbors are always worried they will get a divorce but my mom and my step dad are so afraid to leave each other that they just laugh it off after they call each other morons and yell at each other over a mistake one of them made. And then my actual dad is a video game addict who married an alcoholic who’s slowly killing herself to death and has a hoarding problem with animals. And because he was really abusive to my sister she just abuses him and he takes it and lets her walk all over him. It’s just an awful dynamic and I am so glad I can have the awareness to make a better future for myself.
Sometimes it takes someone to experience actually having bad parents to be a good one because they can see what they are doing wrong and the bad qualities they must not have.
This was me long time ago. Now I see many of my friends stuck in these types of relationships where they are so bonded they don't want to leave because of all the effort they put in. All the time. They have been together for so long they don't know who they are without them. He depends on her for emotions and she depends on him for security while enduring hell and vice versa allowing for a lot of things to slide and gloss over lies. Never question anything because it will be like teasing a tiger or a dragon. They don't want cause chaos. Children born two codependent parents will get short end of the stick and will end up resenting them to the max. Unless they break up.
“Mhm 😐” lol I know the guy is just listening to Dr K in this clip, but I burst out laughing at his brief appearances 😂
😂 yeah, looks like his tripping
Good job focusing on what matters
Yeah, that would be my ex. He gradually alienated all of his friends and I was basically the only person he socialised with. And he'd try and make me hang around him as much as he could. After failing school he also sabotaged my education by whining every time I needed to study and couldn't be at his place. The not so subtle suicide threats were just the cherry on top.
Oh, and obviously I couldn't meet any friends or just spend time alone, because, didn't I love him? Didn't I want to spend every minute with him and be there for him in the hard times? Hard times that his gaming addiction and his refusal to do anything about it caused and that never ended. And the more miserable he became, the more controlling he became as well. "I just want you to be there." Like his dog or something? I am a person with a life. Nothing in my life has ever been as draining and as boring as the years of this relationship.
My current partner also has depression and his own set of problems. But he takes responsibility for it. And my help and me being there doesn't feel pointless, because he doesn't treat it as implicit. Nor does he ever act entitled to it. And he actually works on those issues, just as I do on mine.
This is such a good comment. I'm glad you got out. You talked about the differences very well.
@@steggopotamusThank you! I think it's really important to differentiate between someone, on the one hand, needing and accepting help and, on the other, just using a bad emotional state as leverage to get others to do what this someone wants. It's not always easy to see it, especially not in one's own self.
Years ago, I was that toxic one, not realizing what I was doing, and she enabled it entirely. I never blamed her if something went wrong, but she never spoke up until it was too late and she wanted to break up
That’s not what solely makes it toxic, it’s the reasoning behind it as well
In this specific case it doesn’t seem to be a case of toxicity but a case of just not communicating enough
Same brother.
@@av_kay5059 yesss, communication IS the key, and I've been fucking up situations many times just cuz of not communicating, so yess, i agree
Sounds like you’re still blaming her honestly
@@stephenanthony2276 sounds like the enabler was free to leave at any time, there's no one person toxic relationship
My man looks engaged and confused at the same time😂
If you moved your subtitles up a hair, they’d be above your username, making your content more addictive
I had to finally accept my friendship of over a decade with a friend was heavily codependent when I took a break & time to myself after yet another instance of there being a problem from me not making them feel better enough & that lead to the end of the friendship 💀 I feel so free now. Saddened, but ultimately free.
I’ve long enabled it & it became my normality. Being out of it now? Never again. I will never allow this level of emotional dependence again. You should not be waiting for me to make your days brighter & you happy.
Didn’t realize it does manifest in friendships too! Very important to keep those healthy boundaries for yourself ❤
@@morrisahj Thank you, love 💖
Just ended a relationship because I couldn't get over the severe amount of trauma my partner had suffered. I started growing resentful because of all the negative ways her trauma would manifest and I had to end it. The second I realized that me being with her would actually hurt her more, it made my decision easier. I can't undo her trauma nor can I force her to even confront it with a therapist. She may or may not ever get better and it really sucks because she's an amazing person, but I know I can't take on that burden.
That’s kinda mean tho. I hope you never go through something traumatic and have the person who’s supposed to be there abandon you. If they’re being toxic because of trauma, you have to be firm and demand they get help. But just leaving?… I don’t think this is the flex you think it is. And it’s not what he’s describing in the video either. Not wanting to take on that burden just sounds mean, while he’s describing being the sole entity responsible for someone’s happiness. And if that does happen you have to communicate it before you leave, if they don’t change, then you’re out of there.
@@PiggiesInTheRain You have no clue what you're talking about if that's what you took from what I wrote. Being firm and expecting people to get help doesn't mean that they will. Also, I never claimed it was a flex but rather an unfortunate situation. Take your virtue signaling ass to somewhere that will have you.
@@PiggiesInTheRain I would assume this person meant they had no way of forcing her, not that there was no effort made at communicating.
@@PiggiesInTheRainas someone with trauma who have gone through therapy, some people just don't want or aren't ready for help. However that trauma will still influence how they are in relationships, especially romantic ones. It's not uncommon for victims to try to get love and validation from someone who reminds them of their abuser. Almost like a do-over. That burden shouldn't be on the other party tho.
Sometimes it's ok to let the other person go. I have broken up with someone before after being together for years because they fell into drug addiction. It was only after I left that they sought help and turned their life around. I know this from mutual friends. It was the best decision for both of us at the time. It wasn't mean. I broke my own heart too but he's alive and well, with a family now. I'm really not confident things would have turned out this way if I stayed.
I hope op's ex finds the strength to seek help and get better.
@@PiggiesInTheRain No. Just no. I get what you're saying, and it's coming from the place of kindness - but just bcoz sb went through sth hard doesn't mean that you are responsible for their wellbeing. You're a person, too. It seems that the OP made an effort to make things work - but a relationship goes both ways. In the end, there has to be more than obligation keeping you together. Staying with sb where it's all about them and their trauma, and you're just growing resentful isn't kind to yourself.
We ofc don't get the timeframe on the story, but it sounds like it took a while. And, it sounds like the trauma was a preexisting condition. It's not OP's job to take ownership of their partner's problems. Support, yes, but not "fix them". And if the partner wasn't intending to change, and the situation was unworkable for the OP, then they made a super healthy choice.
People should be responsible for their own feelings. If they're not they're not ready for a relationship. I would get out of the relationship he describes immediately
This happened to me hardcore. Thank you for articulating it so well.
This video is unsettling. I'm not sure how to react. Why did you make me feel this way??!!! lol
This is weird timing, 2 days ago i broke up with my GF becouse of this reason, this is comforting becouse even tho I know it was for the best i feel sad we couldn`t make it
I did the same a month ago... I didn't realize this could be what was going on
I hear you, same here a few months ago. And it took a lot for me to reach that point. There was no room for me in that realationship.
Same thing with me bro, 1 week ago. Stay strong!
i'm afraid that this is me... and i don't want to lose my loved one because of this. i keep trying to be better but i fail every single time.
A very tricky dynamic to get in & out of no doubt
There's also the mutually codependent relationship, where you both do this. It sounds or might seem healthy on paper but it isn't because you can't take care of yourself in that relationship, and it easily ends up like a one-sided codependency if one of you is going through harder times than the other
2 years ago I kept putting more and more into a relationship and this definitely happened. My thought if I took on everything I could make it work.. good advice
Omg I went through this and holy shit you can never do anything right when they project their past trauma on you
Codependence by TcTeam
I always find this codependent stuff weird. My parents have been married for coming up to 35 years now and they are each others best friends. They also work in the same building (different department) and do most stuff together. They have their own hobbies too independently but they spend 98% of time at least in the same building as each other. They also have lunch together every day at work.
Are they codependent then? Like I don't get it. I think this is such a hyper-individualistic view. When you're building a LIFE with someone you have to trust them a rely on them to a certain extent. It's not supposed to be *your* life and *my* life and just occasionally run into each other. It's supposed to be *our* life. So then we're both responsible to make each other happy and build the best life possible for both of us.
I don't get how that's 'toxic'????
I have been through narcissistic abuse (categorised as such by my therapist) and being able to trust that my current partner will actually keep my safety, health AND happiness in mind when making decisions is amazing and makes me feel safe, not like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.
Then read up on more stories, expand your empathy on the subject
@@Dimitris_Half I'm not offended, I'm confused. Didn't mean to come across as offended but sometimes it's hard to convey tone properly over comments Ig
I just don't understand what would be a codependent toxic relationship?
I'm confused because the examples I've heard before, to me, seem like they describe a long lasting healthy relationship. Eg. spending most of your time together, have mutual hobbies, rely on each for emotional support etc etc.
@@Dimitris_Half Thank you for explaining it further.
So, is it codependent because both parties in a relationship make it the other person's responsibility to keep them alive basically?
My thought process, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong:
The word itself 'codependent' to me suggests both parties are dependent on each other.
From what you explained the unhealthy, toxic part is that adults are basically expecting their partners to care for them like children. Would this be a correct example: I won't eat if my partner doesn't make me food and I'll throw a tantrum if he can't read my mind and know exactly what I want to eat?
@@dorkaboise It's more about failure to regulate one's own emotional well-being. Obviously, everyone needs a support network they can lean on occasionally, consisting of family, friends, therapists, acquaintances, and so on, who all play a part. The keyword is "support," because the main person in charge of one's emotions should always be one's self, but it's totally healthy to lean on others for support every now and then, and for them to lean on you.
A relationship becomes codependent when you allow one person (often a partner) to become solely responsible for your mental well-being. You give up your own piece of the responsibility and place it on someone else, and the fact that now everything you feel is solely their fault begins to foster resentment.
Honestly I think the way romantic relationships are is in its nature paradoxical. And that that's a feature, and not a bug.
You two are at the same time one and two individuals.
I usually find it helpful to think about it as "you", "me", and "our relationship". Like the relationship is its own entity with it's own unique needs and quirks. There are things you do for the well being of your partner, there are things you do for your own well being, and there are things you do for the well being of the relationship.
Also I find it's kinda healthier to think the relationship is something I engage with and not a part of my identity.
This was a lil philosophical, but to answer about codependency, I think the toxicity can go both ways. Like 2 people can at the same time put the burdain od their own happiness on the other person entirely, where one or both of them cannot function with the partner. A healthy relationship would be one where you can meet your basic needs where you're functional (usually meaning you already have a robust support network imho), and come together to make something that's more than the sum of its parts.
are we getting full vods for this talk and the one with ludwig?
nightmare fuel 😊
What's the full video link?!🙏
If you click the 3 dots at the top right and then Description it’s in tbere