I used to say "if you loved me..." And when my therapist told me that's toxic I was genuinely confused. That's when I realized people are allowed to love me and not do exactly what I wanted. Life has been peaceful. My mom programmed me bad.
@jim stacey probably because their mom manipulated them all the time by saying things like “if you love me you would do this and that” without regards for their feelings thus planting this false misconception of ‘love’ to them early on as if love HAS to cater to your partner when in fact, all those times it was not truly love, but just control. But idk it might be different for them, that’s just my opinion tho
@_jimstacey_ Well, 'programming' is really exhibiting a behavior to the child, that the child then copies in their later life. So there's many many parents who use this tactic of manipulating kids into doing what they want them to do by implying that if the kids don't do as they're told, they don't love their parents. It can even be the same wording: "If you loved your mother…" or "What kind of a son did I bring up, who doesn't respect his mother" etc.
I would say it goes back further than your mother, it's socially ingrained in us to expect special actions as a way of showing or proving love, even when we know otherwise. I believe it's because of media until recently selling that concept to us as children so on a deep level we come to believe it. I've fallen into the same trap and it didn't work out for long just reminding myself that just because someone won't talk to me anymore doesn't mean they didn't care about me. I personally blame Christianity for mine, the core tenant is because we're so loved God's son died for us to be able to be pardoned whenever we do choose. I don't think nearly unconditional forgiveness is bad which is what Christianity advocates for, as long as you're truly repentant pardon is yours. The issue is giving pardon when someone doesn't have repentance or remorse, which we've also shifted away from granting it even when someone is, and actually hurts for what they have done we just tell them to forgive themselves pretty coldly, rather than being willing to take the risk. I understand not wanting to take the risk but also if humanity never took risks we wouldn't be where we are today, everyone messes up and some to different degrees, depression giving weird ideas and making good people do bad things because doing bad things hurts them to do is another example of that, some people lose their minds completely to their condition.
@jim stacey Thier parents likely used that type of manipulation with them. Or they learned it from a former partner etc. It's learned behavior either way.
I've been through this situation many times myself. What I've realized is that a huge factor is someone's needs getting met, so in the case of the "clingy" person their desire for attachment gets met, and for the other person their desire to feel desired and wanted by another is met. The issue is that true compatibility has to be based in some sense of security, where two people are deciding from a place of "non-neediness" that they actually, genuinely desire to be with someone. It really sucks to realize you didn't like or care about someone that much, you just liked them because you thought they liked you; it also sucks to think somebody was really into you, only to discover you were filling a gap for them, and after the gap closed they no longer desired you.
This is difficult for me to over come. I don't even know if I've ever loved someone truly than this illusion of love by using people that love me to give me a sense of validation and desirability. How can I gain value for myself outside of relationships and my perception of my level among social hierarchies.
Woah well put, It seems like each person goes through both ways, like I may feel clingy and desire someone at the sacrifice of my own being and then my response to other people could be to just get attention and feel desired by others. I'm saying this before watching the video so I'm just coming off of what your saying. So far one way I see to combat this neediness is to be on your own side, be your core, be the person that wants the best for themself, one that has a worthwhile and remarkable vision, though things can work differently for others I'm not one to say what's right or wrong and what people should incorporate, but serving yourself before others takes time.
The last sentence describes my pain perfectly, it actually really helps seeing it laid out into digestible words. Thank you, you've helped me move forwards a little with this comment.
@@chukah9484 @@chukah9484 it's hard, I'll admit, especially in a world where people value money so much. My solution to these feelings has been getting my own hobbies and achievements that don't depend too much on other people's validation. Learning a language on Duolingo (and other methods, but duo keeps me consistent) and being low key about it at the same time has been good for my mental health because it's like a private joy. I don't require praise or I also keep it away from other people's judgement. It's just not up for debate. I'm learning it for me. I have my own reasons. You can do this with almost any other hobby or new skill that has value both privately and publicly, but doesn't require public input. I also think it can really help your self esteem if it's something you may have struggled with in the past or felt was near impossible, and you prove to yourself it isn't. In highschool I didn't have the energy or desire to take a foreign language course because I wanted to be in music/choir instead for my mental health, and if I took language and music elective, it would cancel out PE class. Many people gladly did this, but I valued physical activity also as a way to destress and stay fit/I didn't want to get fat. But on the other hand, getting into UW required at least 2 years of foreign language or at least that was the widely accepted belief for local students. But I didn't care about going to UW at the time, because I wanted to go to an art career vocational school. So not learning a language in highschool has always been one of those things I felt was hanging over my head as a young adult as part of why my parents or society might think I'm less valuable or not able to "apply myself" but now I'm proving to myself that I CAN apply myself, at least in this one way.
This gentleman blows my fucking mind on a daily basis. The way he simplifies his thinking into words is unmatched on this platform. Everything makes so much sense.
3:40 I haven't played it but there's a dating sim that famously deconstructed that mindset called katawa shouji (I think) where the routes are dating girls with disabilities. One of the routes has options for the player to take that kind of savior complex on, and famously the bad ending of that route has her become furious with how you just see her as a broken object to be fixed and how she hates you for treating her like that and wants you out of her life. I've probably got some details missed but I think it's an amazing look at how "my partner is broken but I can save them!" Would actually affect your partner. (If anyone has actually played the game or is otherwise more familiar feel free to correct me)
I confirm, that is pretty much right. When I first tried blind that route on good ending instead what you described, that was "I got the clues right, me so smart" moment, and that is all thanks to that games writing.
@@hauskasiili it sounds like they’re talking about hanako (tho my first thought was emi or rin, it’s been YEARS but the more i think about it, the MC’s fault in many bad endings is that he acts like a protector/guardian when the ladies just wanted to be treated as humans)
Have a friend who became closer to me through a combination of interest and the determination to fix each other's problems. Now... our problem's pretty much fixed despite a few twists and turns here and there. The problem at the moment is actually interacting with each other after things have changed. Lol, can relate to this lecture xD
@@bobobsen How is discussing an existing problem the same as creating new problems? E.T. expressed that they have a hard time interacting with their very good friend now that they aren't "needed" anymore. Actually discussing that problem with their friend is exactly what Dr. K. was talking about in this video. I can completely relate to the feeling of a relationship changing and you no longer having the same role to play in that relationship. So I completely agree with any wow, talk to your friend about how you view your friendship and if you still value it and want to keep them as a friend, go for it.
Ahh- before this video got uploaded I actually talked to them about the fact that I feel like dynamics have changed between us. We're still both good friends but we don't talk as much xD. Just wanted to express this video is relatable lol
I feel like the opposite happened to me.. I was with someone for 5 years. She was independent and took care of yourself when we first got together. Over time she became more clingy and unhealthy; while I felt more of a care taker than a lover or friend. Relationships are complicated. Communication and boundaries are essential.
I believe love and acceptance are the same thing. truely loving someone means seeing their whole being and taking them for what they are. that would also explain why love and hate seem so close sometimes; realizing you're not able to fully accept someone, instead rejecting their true nature and wanting them to change. on the same note loving yourself does not mean being full of yourself but accepting yourself even if it's hard. noone gets it right all the time, it's a life-long process and we're all driven by it.
@@clubclube100 I'm glad you resonate with it :) it's my current understanding of love and I think it makes a lot of sense. but there seem to be different levels of love. for example teenager love is sometimes full of insecurities, codependency and stuff and the older we get, the more mature our way of living acceptance gets, but it's still real love even if it's immature.
@@kissenklauer7011 I agree. The more we learn about ourselves (which usually comes with age) the more we become aware of dependencies and unhealthy relationship situations. That’s the point where we can separate out our genuine love for another with some sort of emotional insecurity or need. And like you said there’s definitely still genuine love when you’re young, but it’s so tangled up it’s just hard to get in to a relationship for the right reasons at a younger age.
This is great. You're totally right and what I believe as well about love, and you opened my mind a bit with the "self love" aspect. I always reject it because like so many of us who struggle, we are harsh as fuck on ourselves and never believe we're enough. It's easy for me to accept anyone for all their faults. But *I* don't wanna be one of those arrogant assholes who believe they're God's gift. So instead I keep myself low... But really it's just about accepting that fact too. We're enough as is, and striving for growth can be something we do FOR ourselves, not something we crack the whip at ourselves about because that's how we learned to do it.
Thank you Dr K for making this video, for years I've been trying to figure out why I'm so anxious and hurt when my friends no longer rely on me. I finally understand my it's my insecurity and my need to provide value to the people around me in order to feel secure.
The ending portion about associating other things with love is so true!! For romantic and platonic relationships. I've had difficulty in the past with friends not understanding "I still love you, but haven't forgiven you for this thing you did that hurt me." And they get mad that I don't forgive them quick enough, like they get to decide how much time is enough. Watch out for that in any relationship!
Dr. K, I honestly wish you made this video 4 years ago because you just described my longest relationship ever. Listening to this now, it opens up how I could have acted and how I should act in the future 😔
In the past I went through a 5-6 years relationship with someone who was clingy to me, at the time I felt happy that they needed me but as they went to college I felt I wasn't needed anymore. I dislike controlling people's actions so instead of being in the way for them I let them go. I didn't know that having someone that needs you not needing you can impact your life so much. It's not a bad thing but it sure does hurt. I'm in a new relationship right now, I am in the opposite situation right now. I need my current partner, because my previous relationship was so toxic that I am kind of a broken person right now. I don't know when I'll be able to get back up but I do hope it doesn't break this relationship. I genuinely want this relationship to last, after all I've never been in such a positive relationship before, it's kind of scary.
If you end up being overwhelmed by those feelings you can try to bring them up. Use your best judgement on when that is right, cause I know nothing about you or your relationship. Gl with it! Hope it works out how you're wanting. :)
I 3rd! Either talk to your person, put in the effort to build & maintain the basis for healthy, open communication OR you need to stay single until you have that sorted out. Most ppl have a hard time with the latter although it's usually the best choice. Many of the problems ppl experience in relationships stem carrying their past problems into the next instead of facing & growing from them.
"Can the support start to be 50/50, cus hopefully that's what it'll turn into" -> This is where my last relationship fell apart. I helped her get through a very nasty 2 years of articles until she got admitted as a lawyer. She didn't get less/more clingy after that, but requests for support actually grew. She was kind of like "oh now that my career is sorted here's all this other stuff I need" and I also had a bunch of stuff I could have used support with and she still wasn't giving much. I pushed back then she left me :/
So in your head, you wanted a healthy, fair, relationship where you both would benefit and grow but in her head she just wanted to use and dispose. She was selfish, thinking "how much can I squeeze out of this guy" I can see how that makes trust in future romantic relationships harder.
Dr K, I sincerely hope that one day when you are needing a hug, I happen to bump into you. You are one of the most articulate, generous, and compassionate explainers-of-important-and-difficult-things on RUclips. You have helped so many people. Thank you so much
I've had this happen a lot with friendships and a couple times with romantic relationships. Once you get over that neediness, you look back and realize you don't feel what you thought you felt all this time. You may still love them, but not the same way. It's very strange. But I think it's part of growing up and I learned a lot from those relationships.
This explains a lot. My ex left me after I began to work full time, developed a life of my own after spending the year prior filling a gap within her by helping her depression, internal loneliness and identity crisis. As soon as I was unable to be there for her 24/7 (to the point where she would break down because I couldn't get to her because I was rather asleep or at work) and provide her with a solution to a panic attack or tantrum she was having in relation to her boss or family, she up and left, even after saying she wanted to get pregnant and get married with me DAYS PRIOR. Funnily enough, she got into another relationship two weeks later and moved in with him while probably dragging him into the exact same dynamic. In retrospect, I should've noticed something was off when she would repeat things daily like "I think I would actually die without you, I wouldn't know how to live" which at the time sounded very endearing, lol.
And you still missed the point of the video, instead of victimizing yourself do some introspection and see why she was attracted to you in the first place. You have a lot of ego work to do, my friend.
@@sydneyd2094 How is he not a victim? The dude said explicitly that she needed him, and then when he couldnt give her her needs, she left. Like, thats not his fault that he had to be independent and she wasn't. The girl is obviously clingy and dependent and its not toxic for him to be sad that she left him after dealing with her shit for over a year. She was probably attracted to him for superficial reasons and the fact that he was nice. Go on and explain your "point though".
Hey man, that's pretty rough - I had a similar experience, more or less 100% our stories match basically completly. My ex was diagnosed with BPD... in the end I realized I got co-depended and had a strong "caretaker"-syndrom. Worked on my self, got my stuff sorted - best thing that happend to me that she left me.. hope you are doing good bro!
@@DosenbrotWTF Bro, It put me into hyper-drive. Since then I've doubled my income, moved cities, gained mass, and couldn't care less about 'fixing' a girl. If a girl shows any red flags, I'm outta there no matter how hot she is....something I couldn't do a year ago
thanks so much for this. i spent every day of the past year talking to this girl long distance. we finally got to meet up a month ago, we see each other every day now and so i asked her out and just was not expecting a no at all lol nothing i said to her was a lie and so i still want to be a really damn good friend. rn i decided to let the ball be in her court, i want her to define how much we talk every day and well it's been 0. i see her hanging out with our other classmates after school and it made so honestly angry i just wish i had that from her. she never says no when i invite her to stuff which is how we interact now. im just thinking i dont feel wanted at all but i know that's really disrespectful to her and what's confusing to me is that it feels like this is what it's going to be like from now on watching dr k recently makes me realize i have very low self attitude and my mood changes depending on well a loved one treats me. my understanding of her perspective is that she wants to be alone in general and doesn't deal well getting close with others. that difference between us is particularly why she rejected me and i still put expectations on her to like ykno reciprocate interest and i think she loses patience with me when i talk about that. it's very black and white to me rn (i'm important to her like she says i am or she's abandoning me which is my insecurity) and even if she says one thing i wish i didnt feel like i didnt need to be constantly validated
TL;DR: you're wasting your time. Stop talking to this girl (if you're romantically interested) and move on with improving yourself I've been in this situation before and trust me when I say, friend, you are wasting your time and energy. If you really like this girl in a romantic way, she is never going to give you what you want. I've been in this situation before for over two years and nothing changed. I also felt the same things you're feeling. Then I met my current gf and let me tell you there is a huge difference between someone who reciprocates and someone who doesn't. My gf makes the effort and so do I. And i stopped talking to previous girl and not only did i not care about how she felt about it it improved my relationship because I got to give more attention to current gf. Focus on improving yourself and not placing your self worth on how other people treat you/feel about you.
on the other hand, i often find myself much too clingy and have made the mistake of causing people to feel bad when they don’t give me immediate attention, which can be very bad for the relationship, especially if they themselves have certain forms of mental instability
It's true, I used to be clingy with my ex. He was very positive and laughed a lot. He always tried to do something new all the time (ANYTIME) and he would ignore me! After 7 months, we broke up and he came back (he was always sending me messages and emails during the 7 months we were broken up). Yes, I gave him a second chance, but he was still the same! So, I blocked everything related to him. He is 10 years older than me, but he's like @@. I hope everything goes well for both of us in the future.
Accept yourself for what you are and accept yourself for who you are, and keep moving forward. I could not handle that at some point in my life, I could not believe in the idea that my relevance and security did not and should not depend on the necessity and power I could be to someone outside of me. I wasn't really giving, I was taking, I was constructing a pillar that I could cling to whenever I felt weak, and when someone else brought it down by not validating my selfish desire to be needed and wanted, I blamed the problems on them not recognizing my relevance and greatness. It was their fault that I wasn't feeling worthy. Change only came when I embraced how truly powerless and weak of a human I was, in many aspects, I am(was) lacking, but that was so freeing and empowering. I am such a use-less, defunct piece of unrecyclable trash without any relevance in this goddamn effin planet, and that fees GOOD! It's effin counter-intuitive but its beautiful. I have had several relationships since that period of enlightenment, I worked hard enough to buy my own property but that plan failed during covid and I had to stay living with my parents for the rest of my college years :P, beaten plenty of my single-player games, learnt and taught myself so much, gym has been spectacular since I started, and my current girlfriend is just perfect for me, I desire to give so much to her and she appreciates all of it and yearns so greatly to give me back and then some, she's watched me play Elden Ring whenever I got back from a workout session or university so I'm living the dream. There's many other things that have changed for the better and many other lessons I have learned so lemme finalize by saying that people need to be accepting and forgiving of what they don't have or never had, it's ok to have nothing and it's ok to not be something, you will be ok. You can grow, you can change, you can be more than what you think you can't or believe yourself to be. Grow. I also received the Fathers Grace, which is by far, the best enlightenment of all.
I get a lot of clingy people becoming my friend and they end up wanting my attention but I can't give that to them so the more they try to pull me in the harder I pull away and they always end up really angry with me and I just shut them out of my life and feel super guilty about it
@@StarmenRock conversely, it doesnt work to just shut off feelings like guilt over some self righteous validation. In fact guilt is a great gateway to start investigating our own hurts and maybe find out our shortcomings and understand our pains. These situations are tough, often times we have friction with people just out of who we are and who they are and where we’re all at in our journeys. Without agression involved
They have to consider your feelings too, you really should not be hard on yourself. They should have realized love is a two way street with both parties working to love and support one another 🙂
Maybe it's time to start looking at what YOU may be doing to attract them? Everyone has problems & those are their responsibility to handle of course. However, if you keep drawing in the same types consistently, THAT is most definitely a you thing. The patterns we see in our lives always start with US, not them.
i wish i had this take on this before my ex broke up with me. i had so much resentment because i believed that i got her back on her feet, got her out of bad place and then when she didnt need me anymore she left me. but it was probably issue with ME. she wouldnt leave me probably if i fixed my own mental issues, its not like she didnt warn me and beg me to change, though it was hard time for me, i couldnt provide for her because i became unemployed. so i sank into really bad mindset. if i kept my chin up and tried to fix myself it would probably go completely differently. she did stick around with me through that rough period, despite me not being able to provide for her.. i understand more and more as time goes. i wish i could go back and change it. i wish there was a chance for us to reconcile.
The last bit is incredibly insightful. I've said "If you loved me would stop cheating on me" in several past relationships. I've never actually thought about what it meant when I was saying it
Thinking about this from the perspective of regular friends is making me think I might've been clingy before to the only friend I used to have, and years later now that I have a dozen other friends with all sorts of dynamics, that one old friend and I don't talk that much anymore, and it sort of upsets them. Now that I don't rely on them, it sorta feels like they MIGHT be trying to get attention in a clingy way? Its hard to say, but some part of me feels like its not a balanced friendship, which makes it hard for me to talk to them. I ended up avoiding them.
yikes. I had a friend do this to me. We were each other best friend in high school and for a little bit afterwards pretty much tied at the hip. Then once he got other friends (including some I introduced him too), we started spending less and less time together. Whenever I'd ask him about it he'd shrug it off and say he didn't know why he was doing it. I finally blew up at him over it and we haven't talked since. Sucks -but I'm better off, especially since he didn't have the courage to tell the truth.
I have put a lot of work into sorting out my codependence, but even with the progress I've made I have to stay vigilant or it's easy to regress. The last guy I dated started showing his own codependent tendencies, wanting to only hang out with each other and not wanting me to play the game we like with anyone but him, and even though I recognized it as unhealthy, it appealed to me like offering an alcoholic a cocktail and I fell right into step with him. Before you know it the new relationship novelty wore off and HE was reading me the riot act about how clingy I am - and even though his bait had been the catalyst, he wasn't wrong. He only liked the idea of it when it was on his terms.
Tried doing it. Helped to build up healty habbits. Valued Persons time and attention to show, that it is something valueable. Made throw disease for half a year. To find in the end that all my effort doesn't cost sh*t. I'm not saying that you should never date broken or injured poeple, but please, value yourself. Respect yourself from the future that would leave with decisions that you make today.
I don't believe in unconditional love. It's a fairytale. People are like puzzle pieces. They get together because they both fulfill each other's desires. There's always a "reason" why two people are together, and when you take that reason away, the relationship falls apart. People claim love until something they value in their partner changes. If unconditional love was a thing, people wouldn't ever exit their relationships and that's not what's happening in the real world. We're simply afraid to admit we're selfish and we tell ourselves unconditional love is real because it makes everything easier to ignore.
I've had this happen but somewhat in reverse. Being in a relationship not because of love but to hopefully fix someone who desperately needs help that's not provided by anyone else, and hope that they'll manage and one day they won't need you anymore. However they clinge to you more and more, refusing even more to accept the help just so that they can be with you forever, as you become their drug.
I've learned so much from your videos. I've had a lot of ah-ha moments listening to you, it's made it much easier to understand my own thoughts and feelings as well as those of others
I think this happens quite often to lonely and desperate people. When you're alone and desperate, you'll pretty much have only one criteria on your Would Date list, which is: 'Will the person make me less lonely?''. And as the answer to that in most such cases will be 'yes' even if it's in the short-term, you'll go for anything you can get. But then after being together for even a little while, as the loneliness retreats, one or both of you will start to notice all the other criteria that you completely ignored before. It might easily be the case that both of you are so incompatible that the relationship would've never worked out if it wasn't for the desperateness before. If that's the case, neither of you changed, only your circumstances changed. What seemed ok before, isn't anymore.
It is something I tell every person that asks for relationship advice. Communicate. A relationship can only be maintained through communication. Talk to your other half. If you don't know something, if you're afraid of something, ask them. Don't drag things out by not talking cause the longer you hold it in and the longer you don't communicate, the bigger the problem can get, and if it get's too big you can't fix it. Also I play on Hard Mode, I'm Polyamorous. Communication is so much more important there.
im just a 1on1 kinda dude and honestly im often just looking to your guys side of the table in awe of how you do relationships. Like talking with a partner is already a lot to focus on id be sooo fecked if there was 3 or more
@@jamescanjuggle There is nothing wrong with being a 1on1 kind of person. Just being honest with your partner, and yourself, is what it takes. I couldn't do 1on1 and honestly I envy those that can. I don't worry about it too much though. I have had a lot of relationships, some good, some struggled pretty hard. What is truly the biggest hard mode, Tring to be something you're not. I'm not monogamous, I didn't know that at first, so I tried to fit in with what was normal for most other people. And it always ended in fireworks. I never cheated on anyone, but I once moved states because I didn't know how to deal with a relationship I was in. Some want to brand me as a player, but to me the term doesn't apply. A player may see multiple people, but they aren't honest to their partners. They hide it and do it behind peoples back. Me I tell you up front before anyone gets too invested, I'm non monogamous. And some people are cool with that, and some are not. So I'm jealous of Monogamous people. Because they have the capability of focusing all their attention on a single person. I don't have that, nor do I want to try and force it. I have to hold back or let go of a lot of people I would really love to be with because they are not Polyamorus. But I can't be what they want, and I won't force them to be what I want. Likewise I expect the same in return. Sorry for the longwinded reply, my ADHD kicked in and I felt I needed to let it run free for a bit. I hope this helps anyone understand my point of view. Stay awesome everyone and thanks for reading my longwinded explanation.
Just be happy that someone really likes you and appreciate it 😆 If someone shows red flags then just warn them, perhaps even help them and after that doesn't work then just give them some space to think about themselves, some healthy time apart. Everyone remembers the times you had to have some alone time as a teenager just to put yourself back together 😅 I personally like to discuss things until they are settled cause I can overthink stuff. Anxiety and neat stuff like that usually follows so that's why. 🙃
This has happened to me so many times, either they need my help, and once they're well enough I hardly ever hear from them- or I need their help, in which case I reach out but feel guilty about it cause I don't want them to think that's what our relationship is based on. Maybe I just have an unhealthy relationship with support dynamics?
As weve gotten to know each other more with my girtlfriend, my insecurities I never knew of started surfacing. For now we attribute them to my parent's dramatic divorce (no physical violance but mental pressure was immense between them). My GF coming from a divorse too. Her father was abusive. Now she lives with her mother. Weve been together for a year now. I am not her first boyfriend, her first was abusive. My gf was depressed, considering suicide. She got out of it tho on her own. Made a small circle of friends online who helped her. Some were toxic, but my GF realised the toxicity after her friend acted up when I became her new best friend. She keeps getting better both mentally and physically while I am on a decline on both fronts. When we met, we have both accepted being forever alone and suddenly we have this unexpected situation together. Now we both have new goals. Mutual goals. We have great communication and both have mental baggage and feel secure in the relationship. We help each other as we can and are very compationate. I used to strive to be the best for myself but now, my best current self does not feel enough o be a boyfriend, a partner, husband.
~ 9:00 PLEASE don't actually say in this conversation 'you've become an adult', though, especially if you and your partner are not the same age and/or haven't been dating since high school. People with mental or physical disabilities, or insecurities that lead them to become clingy, are not children, and that implication is patronising and hurtful enough that it might shut down the conversation before it really gets going. I get the gist of what you're saying here and agree with it, just that may not be the best choice of words. In general, people don't want to feel like their partner thinks of themself as their parent.
Even better, why don't you work out the negative charge of those words and the prejudice you yourself project on being an "adult" or "child". This world needs more inner work and less word police with laying the burden of progress over to the other.
Oh. I thought this was about something else. My partner and I are equally "broken", and we support each other, while not being too dependant on the other. They are just... Much more clingy than I am. Both mentally and physically- and it's exhausting. I'm an extrovert, but during Covid I realized I do appreciate my alone time. I love them, and I get that's just how they show love, but it's not my style. We talk about it, but telling them "not now" and "i'm tired" for the nth time feels wrong. This is also my first real relationship, so I'm still figuring things out.
Could you maybe talk more about the "giving them therapy and expecting a relationship out of it"? I did that to a person two years ago and I want to understand why I did it.
Holy shit, you know I was feeling pretty much exactly what you are addressing in my relationship and also happened to be watching another video of yours and I wondered, hmm I wonder if you have something kinda like this and within a minute found this video. I know my girlfriend loves the shit out of me but my compulsive need to be her life support system kills me. I've known this but my mind tends to un-unpack these insecurities so this video helps a lot. Thanks ♥️
A terrible thought occurred to me as I watched the first 30 seconds of this. When he was talking about like women getting into a car wreck and needing someone to take care of them, it reminded me of something I said about the movie "Love and Other Drugs" recently, and I thought about how people have been bringing up Handmaid's Tale in the wake of the repeal of Roe V Wade, and then that got me thinking about how when companies go under, they depend on a bigger company to buy them out and take on their debts, and then that got me thinking of a good dystopia story.
The thing is, if you are honest and show you can't be available at the moment and the other person expects you to and confronts you about having to be there NO MATTER WHAT. They are not respecting your boundaries. Nobody HAS to be there. It is a choice according to circumstance. The moment we keep expecting all these things from people when it's something they don't want to do then, you got yourself a clingy/needy one Setting boundaries is ok. Telling people you don't want to do something is perfectly acceptable. Being toxic would be telling them you ARE going to do something and not do it. As long as you are honest and clear, it's not you.
back in the day when my late GF was clinging to me... i cling right back to her ( if that sentence make any senses to you ) because of this, it made a very... strange dynamic, both of us are terrified of if the other doesn't love the us anymore at some point when both of us are getting better, we pretty much still clingy toward each other, just to realized that, it's not the value that we can bring to the table, but we enjoyed the present of each other ( metaphorically and literally ) of course most of the time this is not the case for everyone, i highly advice you to follow Dr.K instructions, he is a professional and an actual therapist, i am just a lucky man with a tragic story i really miss her sometimes
So...What does supporting each other in a normal way look like that isn't one of the people in the relationship becoming a therapist? Like if the other person does have issues what does a healthy way to help them look like(?
The foundation of my relationship is clinginess, but my situation is opposite. Her clinginess never went away and it has gotten to the point that she goes apeshit if I do literally anything without her. It's ruined my social life, but any time I try to point that out she refuses to admit anything and blames me for not trying hard enough socially.
She might be feeling empty or might not know what to do with herself when you're not around do not lose contact with your friends if she doesn't have friends encourage her to socialize without you ask her why she's so stressed when you hang out with your friends and such and please individual therapy I have to add finding new hobbies and new skills to perfect might improve her self esteem and might keep her busy
So if someone's clingyness gives you a sense of security in a relationship, your sense of security comes from a place of insecurity. Why do people think they will be disposed of once they've been used? Is it because they think they have nothing to offer? Is it because using people is very real? Is it because there is no guarantee of trust?
Cuz the sense of security can be replaced thus it means you're replaceable. Yes. Often people leave relationships when their partner has nothing to offer them.
@@chukah9484 So once their needs are met, you can be replaced? That's backwards thinking. Basically says the person in need never liked you in the first place. They were just looking to be rescued. Why would someone have a love interest in someone needing to be rescued? That's really unstable. "Because they're insecure" "Because they get to feel like a hero" Then they shouldn't be in a relationship to solve their problem of being insecure. They should find a way to be confident, or at least not insecure. Once that happens, they don't need the damsel. If you cannot trust someone still loves you after their needs are met, what do you do? Have a conversation.
Irrational fear and low self-esteem. At your very core you're insecure which is why you seek security by dysfunctional forms such as clinginess and dependence
Trying to fix a relationship in my own head is so spot on it's scary :D. Also, unconditional love is something that should only exist in a certain way from parents for their children. Why should two random people love each other unconditionally? That is BS. You fall in love and love someone because they are a certain way. If that way changes significantly why should you still love them? It makes no sense.
@@yucheung5853 It is literally their job as a parent, if you don't get that please never ever have children, because this is how kids become messed up with loads of issues.
If the feeling of "my partner is broken but I can save them!" is mutual, it's a whole other can of worms. It can be an exciting rollercoaster ride. I know, I have lived it, 2 or 3 times, depending how you look at it (though only in retrospect I have the clarity to figure that dynamic out... while in in, it felt more like "the world is broken and the two of us are gonna fix it!"). But probably it will crash and burn inevitably, it's just a matter of time. Or, maybe, like he says in the video, the relationship can mature and change into something else, but... that seems like quite a few dice rolls that need to go exactly right, so yeah. Not impossible, but very unlikely.
Instead of motivating me with new-found insight, these videos only further remind me how done I am with all this stuff and relationship dynamics. It's exhausting keep track of all this stuff
This person who was borderline obsessed with me cause I listened to their struggle and past traumas cause I believed they need someone to vent to. The person said he was interested me but I wasn’t and I made it clear. With the benefit of the doubt they didn’t intend to but they even told me “if you really cared about me, you should be willing to be there for me. My situation and struggle should be a sign for you to be there for me.” I believe people have the right to feel what they feel cause of their past traumas, but I was just convinced that this person was manipulating me to stay for their problems while in the meantime I have my own as well.
this happened to me just recently, but the person was extremely unstable and on the edge of committing, which put more pressure for me to be with them in a relationship and after a while it ended up EXTREMELY bad. at this point i am sure they only wanted a partner to love them and didn't care about me as a person. run away from this kinda thing, no matter if it seems like you can't anymore
People's wants change, people can learn to cope without the things they want. Needs are constant and unavoidable. A relationship based on want and not need is by definition unstable.
I'd rather my partner want and not need me. Like what, are they going to off themselves if we break up or I die? Am I expected to off myself if they end the relationship or die? I'm not allowing that to happen. I'm around my partner because I want to be around them, even when I'm temporarily frustrated with them.
Expecting people to communicate honestly seems like a massive assumption. And if you expect people to do that, you will find yourself very alone. It seems like the vast majority of people are damaged that way, so no matter how much work you do on your end, things will fall apart because of other people's unwillingness to do the basics. It's extremely tempting to not look in to the problems. If it's going to fall apart no matter what, it's better to not poke the bear so it lasts longer than it would if you shine a light on the problems.
man I went through like 10 of these relationships. many turned out to just be really insecure trans girls, and once they accepted themselves things drifted apart. I still help people but I no longer turn those helping relationships into romantic ones.
The title made me think this was gonna be an entirely different topic. I thought it'd be about people thinking I'm clingy when dating are in reality toxic.
This really hits me since this is partially what I do. I want her to be happy, but now that she's off doing her own thing, I feel my worth is gone. If anything I want her to move on and be even more happy while I wallow behind. The worse part is that I realise all this and felt disgust to myself when I heard that she's having more trouble with work and friends. I'm slowly trying to move away from me being the therapist in the relationship, try to find more value in myself, and probably do more stuff to enjoy ourselves with, so lately I have been out of touch with my consoling side and can't do the whole "therapy" support now she's back depressed. I'm more worthless in this transition stage. This really wasn't all there was in our relationship up until covid restrictions hit and made our relationship more like a ldr. We were able to go on dates, visit each other, but quarantine put a stop to that and now she's very busy with her work. I have other problems to deal with as well, other than losing my worth of being supportive, I'm losing in a lot of other aspects in my life. Pretty much a dead weight atm.
Omg same, it seems I make people happy for a while but when they go do their own thing they forget about me. I’m happy that they have their own thing going on but I can’t help but feel used. The worst part is that I get used to sharing my happiness and life with them and when they leave I not only lose my companion but my routine, and everything I do gets accentuated by the fact that I now do it alone. After a while I end up looking for things to enjoy myself and I tend to spend more time with my family, this things bring me back to being joyous but in time I meet someone else amd the cycle repeats. It makes me want to just shut down permanently focus on doing things I enjoy and get the affection and interaction I need from family and a few friends.
If you think you're clingy, be clingy. A true relationship let's people be open with each other and they'll tell you. If you want a true relationship (friends, romantic partners, colleagues) you have to risk showing who you truly are so the people in your life can do the same.
Can he pls do a video or can anyone who can relate to this talk about idolizing someone and having the rose colored glasses on and YOU being the one who‘s clingy at first and the second the relationship "stabilizes" in the sense of the other person reciprocating that and mirroring this clinginess and codependency to you YOU start to get the ick and want to leave because you feel suffocated
13:02 Huh, that's interesting. I never really questioned this but I've always associated the term "unconditional love" with familial relationships, like a parent and child, and always thought romantic relationships were conditional by nature.
What is the definition of unconditional love? It doesn’t make sense to me. Is it a level of love to where you won’t leave someone no matter. Does it just define a certain level of love? Is it a type of love we call unconditional because it is almost impossible for one’s love to waiver. Is it a level that you feel you know someone so well and are so secure in your relationship with them that the love can be unconditional
being insecure cause you know you aren't addonis fucking sucks. i dont know how guys who are anything less than the best can accept themselves honestly. half a decade of trying to prove im worth something so far and progress is minimal.
Nothing has objective value only subjective value depending on what people want/need. Attractiveness is only worthwhile to the people that care about it, find what you offer whether it's being funny, having good vibes, being kind and helpful, being strong, giving advice. Also you're probably not ugly you just hyper focus on what you don't like about yourself while not highlighting your strength. Dress well with clothes that fit, get a decent haircut that matches your face, wash your butt.
I am insecure about some aspects of me but not all parts. I am not the best in everything or likely anything when I compare myself to the peak of mankind but I am good at some things. I enjoy my mind and how I see the world. I like my values and morality. I make my own copium and seek validation from others to reinforce that copium. Luckily I get that from peers and it keeps me from being overly fragile. Regardless I am still fragile but i can put on the mask to prevent the cracks from showing day to day. I am far from my peak but I carry hope and optimism in my jaded way because to not is self torture. I don't think my insecurities will ever completely go away and I don't think anyone ever does get rid of them. We submit to them and surrender to them. We act on what we can that can change and understand what we cannot change as who we are. Maybe in another life I'll be an addonis or maybe I'll put in the effort to be the most addonis I can be so that I can continue to reinforce that copium. Least I know that even addonis are insecure about something. N I know that some cool girls hate chads. So in the end I don't have to worry so much about comparing myself when I still have options.
It’s all in your head bro. Don’t chase proving yourself to others. Focus on gratitude and happiness. If you chase happiness you will not obtain it. You have to be able to be happy and grateful in the moment, even when things are bad, focus on what you have. Confidence is something beautiful, if you are confident you will attract what you want. When you’re insecure people will tell and treat you that way. Your choice bro.
Let's also mention here that equal support and cooperation doesn't equal having to be everything, either. And not in all areas either. So all the unpaid labor must be considered equal to the unpaid labor or you'll just sign yourselves up for ugly mess. Because any partner working more on the unpaid labor side will otherwise bleed out WHILE being undervalued and if that doesn't lead straight to a lot of resentment and miserable outcomes then you've happened to be part of a very very very very very rare miracle (aaand it may not last for you all the way to the future either). Aka don't fall into the trap of money supposedly equalling "the only type of value in existence". Or even the trap of money as "the most valuable type of value of them all". You'll suffer. And eventually very slowly till, it's too late to save anything, cause the decay came so gradually it all went right over your head till it collapsed onto you!
I had like a month, ever first relationship and they were clingy but I never raised that I hated it bcs I like it so when they get near me my attention is a hundred on them, tho Im an anxious peeson so like they are times I deny when they wanna come over but deep inside I really want them to come and it excite me honestly! Then suddenly changed... they became less talkative and initiative and... it spiraled me... I remembered my friends who just needed me when they need me but when they are done they are done... or if I fail to give them the aid they need- they go to their another friend... I guess it scared the hell out of me... I started to question them, I tried to be more open and push aside my anxious self... but they act like nothing is wrong like my past experiences with others and I honestly felt shit... Tho, I am well aware I have done a mistake for not saying this to them... I just broke up with them and said this won't ever work out even if deep inside I want them badly... I'm not good with love... I don't know what is love but all I know is that its wanting a person to get ever so close to you than anyone... so idk if I honestly have the right to be sad over this bcs the feeling of love hadnt developed yet but I always feel happy when theyre around and to be frank, never have I ever felt about this to others except for my family and favorite people. Sorry for the vent ^^;
I agree to a degree that it is something that some people do to guarantee a relationship. But there is something that really concerns me on what was said. All of this is based off on the big assumption that the guy got into the relationship with this person that was, according to him, clingy for the sake of securing the relationship by providing something his SO is in need of. I think it is unfair to portray the whole situation based on a question with no other context so one sideddly. Edit: I have watched further into the video after posting the comment and I agree with the suggestions brought up. However I still don't think the situation should be painted so onesidedly as it was during the initial part.
V true, although not like he has much context to go off initially. I think the scenario he provided is probably based off his experience of how he's typically seen people who become afraid of their partners becoming less clingy look like
Dr. K I very much appreciate this advice however trying to be so open with young partners makes the other think you’re way too invested/clingy so they get away from you. I don’t know whenever I tried this it put the person further away cause they thought the relationship was doomed anyway
Very interesting video! I am in a situation that's both the opposite and similar to what you discussed here. An acquaintance of mine started saying he loved me a while after we met. At the time I didn't feel the same way, and I felt like his feelings for me were way too much. But then I fell in love with him eventually, and now I feel extremely clingy. I want to be with him way more often than we are, but a lot of the time he's too busy with other things. And then I feel extremely sad when he doesn't have the time for me or stands me up for dates (yes, he sometimes just doesn't show up). I don't know if I even want to pursue a relationship with him because of that, but that's another story. What I find interesting, is how our roles switched over time - from him being clingy, to me being clingy. Is this a topic you would consider talking about in the future?
I have felt very uncomfortable when people message me everday or once a week. I use to think there was something wrong with me for not allowing people to get close to me but both cases turn out to be people who had problems insecurity and toxic abuse. It was an experience, the more compromises boundaries I let them cross the harder it was to deattach myslef from them and the less of me I was becoming, I was becoming less independent and more co dependent of them. It got very much twisted with their gaslighting manipulation isolation to give them the attention they so desperately desired. Yes I've come to realize they have a very deeply rooted insecurity. Clingy people are insecure, stay away from clingy people. I wish I knew this was a red flag, I avoided the first one but ended up dealing with a 2nd one. I get that perhaps my own insecurity was an enticing prey but damn I'd never hurt others intentionally.
I beg you, dr.K!!! Please use music that isnt this sad and creepy... it sounds like the soundtrack for the final scene of the horror game Amnesia: Machine for Pigs
I went in knowing they're going to outgrow me and leave. There wasn't a question about that. And every few years i gather enough energy to go through with it. And sure enough: i am there for them, i help however i can, i get my affection whenever i can, i offer my time and attention and even my love. They feel good, they go away. So ... dunno. That's my life
I used to say "if you loved me..." And when my therapist told me that's toxic I was genuinely confused. That's when I realized people are allowed to love me and not do exactly what I wanted. Life has been peaceful. My mom programmed me bad.
@jim stacey it's about control
@jim stacey probably because their mom manipulated them all the time by saying things like “if you love me you would do this and that” without regards for their feelings thus planting this false misconception of ‘love’ to them early on as if love HAS to cater to your partner when in fact, all those times it was not truly love, but just control. But idk it might be different for them, that’s just my opinion tho
@_jimstacey_ Well, 'programming' is really exhibiting a behavior to the child, that the child then copies in their later life. So there's many many parents who use this tactic of manipulating kids into doing what they want them to do by implying that if the kids don't do as they're told, they don't love their parents. It can even be the same wording: "If you loved your mother…" or "What kind of a son did I bring up, who doesn't respect his mother" etc.
I would say it goes back further than your mother, it's socially ingrained in us to expect special actions as a way of showing or proving love, even when we know otherwise. I believe it's because of media until recently selling that concept to us as children so on a deep level we come to believe it. I've fallen into the same trap and it didn't work out for long just reminding myself that just because someone won't talk to me anymore doesn't mean they didn't care about me. I personally blame Christianity for mine, the core tenant is because we're so loved God's son died for us to be able to be pardoned whenever we do choose.
I don't think nearly unconditional forgiveness is bad which is what Christianity advocates for, as long as you're truly repentant pardon is yours. The issue is giving pardon when someone doesn't have repentance or remorse, which we've also shifted away from granting it even when someone is, and actually hurts for what they have done we just tell them to forgive themselves pretty coldly, rather than being willing to take the risk. I understand not wanting to take the risk but also if humanity never took risks we wouldn't be where we are today, everyone messes up and some to different degrees, depression giving weird ideas and making good people do bad things because doing bad things hurts them to do is another example of that, some people lose their minds completely to their condition.
@jim stacey Thier parents likely used that type of manipulation with them. Or they learned it from a former partner etc. It's learned behavior either way.
I love OP's ability to describe his dilemma so succinctly
“gf not clingy anymore hard to process what do?”
Never in my life have I heard anything more profound and meaningful
not sure you know what dilemma means
truly a man of words
what do? 😂
Yo Dr. K… what do
I've been through this situation many times myself. What I've realized is that a huge factor is someone's needs getting met, so in the case of the "clingy" person their desire for attachment gets met, and for the other person their desire to feel desired and wanted by another is met. The issue is that true compatibility has to be based in some sense of security, where two people are deciding from a place of "non-neediness" that they actually, genuinely desire to be with someone. It really sucks to realize you didn't like or care about someone that much, you just liked them because you thought they liked you; it also sucks to think somebody was really into you, only to discover you were filling a gap for them, and after the gap closed they no longer desired you.
This is difficult for me to over come. I don't even know if I've ever loved someone truly than this illusion of love by using people that love me to give me a sense of validation and desirability. How can I gain value for myself outside of relationships and my perception of my level among social hierarchies.
Woah well put, It seems like each person goes through both ways, like I may feel clingy and desire someone at the sacrifice of my own being and then my response to other people could be to just get attention and feel desired by others.
I'm saying this before watching the video so I'm just coming off of what your saying. So far one way I see to combat this neediness is to be on your own side, be your core, be the person that wants the best for themself, one that has a worthwhile and remarkable vision, though things can work differently for others I'm not one to say what's right or wrong and what people should incorporate, but serving yourself before others takes time.
The last sentence describes my pain perfectly, it actually really helps seeing it laid out into digestible words. Thank you, you've helped me move forwards a little with this comment.
@@chukah9484 @@chukah9484 it's hard, I'll admit, especially in a world where people value money so much. My solution to these feelings has been getting my own hobbies and achievements that don't depend too much on other people's validation. Learning a language on Duolingo (and other methods, but duo keeps me consistent) and being low key about it at the same time has been good for my mental health because it's like a private joy. I don't require praise or I also keep it away from other people's judgement. It's just not up for debate. I'm learning it for me. I have my own reasons. You can do this with almost any other hobby or new skill that has value both privately and publicly, but doesn't require public input. I also think it can really help your self esteem if it's something you may have struggled with in the past or felt was near impossible, and you prove to yourself it isn't. In highschool I didn't have the energy or desire to take a foreign language course because I wanted to be in music/choir instead for my mental health, and if I took language and music elective, it would cancel out PE class. Many people gladly did this, but I valued physical activity also as a way to destress and stay fit/I didn't want to get fat. But on the other hand, getting into UW required at least 2 years of foreign language or at least that was the widely accepted belief for local students. But I didn't care about going to UW at the time, because I wanted to go to an art career vocational school. So not learning a language in highschool has always been one of those things I felt was hanging over my head as a young adult as part of why my parents or society might think I'm less valuable or not able to "apply myself" but now I'm proving to myself that I CAN apply myself, at least in this one way.
It's hard to get out of co-dependent relationships, man.
This gentleman blows my fucking mind on a daily basis. The way he simplifies his thinking into words is unmatched on this platform. Everything makes so much sense.
It is a good doctor ...
"Being a manipulative prick is not gonna save that". This applies to so many things. What a powerful sentence.
3:40 I haven't played it but there's a dating sim that famously deconstructed that mindset called katawa shouji (I think) where the routes are dating girls with disabilities. One of the routes has options for the player to take that kind of savior complex on, and famously the bad ending of that route has her become furious with how you just see her as a broken object to be fixed and how she hates you for treating her like that and wants you out of her life. I've probably got some details missed but I think it's an amazing look at how "my partner is broken but I can save them!" Would actually affect your partner. (If anyone has actually played the game or is otherwise more familiar feel free to correct me)
This game is awesome for its idea... im not sure how it aged tho. Katawa Shoujo changed a lot of lives.
Ahh yeah good game thanks for the memories
I confirm, that is pretty much right.
When I first tried blind that route on good ending instead what you described, that was "I got the clues right, me so smart" moment, and that is all thanks to that games writing.
Which route, which girl?
@@hauskasiili it sounds like they’re talking about hanako (tho my first thought was emi or rin, it’s been YEARS but the more i think about it, the MC’s fault in many bad endings is that he acts like a protector/guardian when the ladies just wanted to be treated as humans)
Have a friend who became closer to me through a combination of interest and the determination to fix each other's problems. Now... our problem's pretty much fixed despite a few twists and turns here and there. The problem at the moment is actually interacting with each other after things have changed. Lol, can relate to this lecture xD
Communicate to your friend about your new problem.
@@anywow5120 that's just creating problems
@@bobobsen How is discussing an existing problem the same as creating new problems? E.T. expressed that they have a hard time interacting with their very good friend now that they aren't "needed" anymore. Actually discussing that problem with their friend is exactly what Dr. K. was talking about in this video. I can completely relate to the feeling of a relationship changing and you no longer having the same role to play in that relationship. So I completely agree with any wow, talk to your friend about how you view your friendship and if you still value it and want to keep them as a friend, go for it.
Ahh- before this video got uploaded I actually talked to them about the fact that I feel like dynamics have changed between us. We're still both good friends but we don't talk as much xD. Just wanted to express this video is relatable lol
I feel like the opposite happened to me.. I was with someone for 5 years. She was independent and took care of yourself when we first got together.
Over time she became more clingy and unhealthy; while I felt more of a care taker than a lover or friend.
Relationships are complicated. Communication and boundaries are essential.
"She was independent" who had paid for appointments, food etc and who booked etc?
@@manumaster1990 we both have our own money. Problem was she got lazy..
Hi! I'd like to ask, how did you handle it and how do you see that problem now?
This concept reminds me of what it's like to be a parent and watching your kids grow up and live on their own. It seems pretty similar.
I believe love and acceptance are the same thing. truely loving someone means seeing their whole being and taking them for what they are. that would also explain why love and hate seem so close sometimes; realizing you're not able to fully accept someone, instead rejecting their true nature and wanting them to change.
on the same note loving yourself does not mean being full of yourself but accepting yourself even if it's hard. noone gets it right all the time, it's a life-long process and we're all driven by it.
Really well said. Thank you for writing.
@@clubclube100 I'm glad you resonate with it :) it's my current understanding of love and I think it makes a lot of sense. but there seem to be different levels of love. for example teenager love is sometimes full of insecurities, codependency and stuff and the older we get, the more mature our way of living acceptance gets, but it's still real love even if it's immature.
@@kissenklauer7011 I agree. The more we learn about ourselves (which usually comes with age) the more we become aware of dependencies and unhealthy relationship situations. That’s the point where we can separate out our genuine love for another with some sort of emotional insecurity or need. And like you said there’s definitely still genuine love when you’re young, but it’s so tangled up it’s just hard to get in to a relationship for the right reasons at a younger age.
This is great. You're totally right and what I believe as well about love, and you opened my mind a bit with the "self love" aspect. I always reject it because like so many of us who struggle, we are harsh as fuck on ourselves and never believe we're enough. It's easy for me to accept anyone for all their faults. But *I* don't wanna be one of those arrogant assholes who believe they're God's gift. So instead I keep myself low... But really it's just about accepting that fact too. We're enough as is, and striving for growth can be something we do FOR ourselves, not something we crack the whip at ourselves about because that's how we learned to do it.
@@MrWeazlebee yeah some people say something like "I'm gonna love myself when I'm better" but I feel like love can only happen in the present
Thank you Dr K for making this video, for years I've been trying to figure out why I'm so anxious and hurt when my friends no longer rely on me. I finally understand my it's my insecurity and my need to provide value to the people around me in order to feel secure.
The ending portion about associating other things with love is so true!! For romantic and platonic relationships. I've had difficulty in the past with friends not understanding "I still love you, but haven't forgiven you for this thing you did that hurt me." And they get mad that I don't forgive them quick enough, like they get to decide how much time is enough. Watch out for that in any relationship!
Dr. K, I honestly wish you made this video 4 years ago because you just described my longest relationship ever. Listening to this now, it opens up how I could have acted and how I should act in the future 😔
In the past I went through a 5-6 years relationship with someone who was clingy to me, at the time I felt happy that they needed me but as they went to college I felt I wasn't needed anymore. I dislike controlling people's actions so instead of being in the way for them I let them go. I didn't know that having someone that needs you not needing you can impact your life so much. It's not a bad thing but it sure does hurt.
I'm in a new relationship right now, I am in the opposite situation right now. I need my current partner, because my previous relationship was so toxic that I am kind of a broken person right now. I don't know when I'll be able to get back up but I do hope it doesn't break this relationship. I genuinely want this relationship to last, after all I've never been in such a positive relationship before, it's kind of scary.
If you end up being overwhelmed by those feelings you can try to bring them up. Use your best judgement on when that is right, cause I know nothing about you or your relationship.
Gl with it! Hope it works out how you're wanting. :)
I geniunly think you need to say those things to your partner, it would clear the fog.
I 3rd!
Either talk to your person, put in the effort to build & maintain the basis for healthy, open communication OR you need to stay single until you have that sorted out.
Most ppl have a hard time with the latter although it's usually the best choice. Many of the problems ppl experience in relationships stem carrying their past problems into the next instead of facing & growing from them.
"Can the support start to be 50/50, cus hopefully that's what it'll turn into" -> This is where my last relationship fell apart. I helped her get through a very nasty 2 years of articles until she got admitted as a lawyer. She didn't get less/more clingy after that, but requests for support actually grew. She was kind of like "oh now that my career is sorted here's all this other stuff I need" and I also had a bunch of stuff I could have used support with and she still wasn't giving much. I pushed back then she left me :/
Your first mistake is dating a lawyer.
I would never date one and I'm a lawyer...
So in your head, you wanted a healthy, fair, relationship where you both would benefit and grow but in her head she just wanted to use and dispose. She was selfish, thinking
"how much can I squeeze out of this guy"
I can see how that makes trust in future romantic relationships harder.
The only way to fix this is to leave early. If they want something out of you that isnt love, run
Happened to me in a friendship, I broke things off too. We talked and cleared stuff up later on and she accepted her lack of support.
Congrats .
You dodged a bullet
Dr K, I sincerely hope that one day when you are needing a hug, I happen to bump into you. You are one of the most articulate, generous, and compassionate explainers-of-important-and-difficult-things on RUclips. You have helped so many people. Thank you so much
I've had this happen a lot with friendships and a couple times with romantic relationships. Once you get over that neediness, you look back and realize you don't feel what you thought you felt all this time. You may still love them, but not the same way. It's very strange. But I think it's part of growing up and I learned a lot from those relationships.
This explains a lot. My ex left me after I began to work full time, developed a life of my own after spending the year prior filling a gap within her by helping her depression, internal loneliness and identity crisis. As soon as I was unable to be there for her 24/7 (to the point where she would break down because I couldn't get to her because I was rather asleep or at work) and provide her with a solution to a panic attack or tantrum she was having in relation to her boss or family, she up and left, even after saying she wanted to get pregnant and get married with me DAYS PRIOR. Funnily enough, she got into another relationship two weeks later and moved in with him while probably dragging him into the exact same dynamic. In retrospect, I should've noticed something was off when she would repeat things daily like "I think I would actually die without you, I wouldn't know how to live" which at the time sounded very endearing, lol.
And you still missed the point of the video, instead of victimizing yourself do some introspection and see why she was attracted to you in the first place. You have a lot of ego work to do, my friend.
@@sydneyd2094 How is he not a victim? The dude said explicitly that she needed him, and then when he couldnt give her her needs, she left. Like, thats not his fault that he had to be independent and she wasn't. The girl is obviously clingy and dependent and its not toxic for him to be sad that she left him after dealing with her shit for over a year. She was probably attracted to him for superficial reasons and the fact that he was nice. Go on and explain your "point though".
Hey man, that's pretty rough - I had a similar experience, more or less 100% our stories match basically completly. My ex was diagnosed with BPD... in the end I realized I got co-depended and had a strong "caretaker"-syndrom. Worked on my self, got my stuff sorted - best thing that happend to me that she left me.. hope you are doing good bro!
@@DosenbrotWTF Bro, It put me into hyper-drive. Since then I've doubled my income, moved cities, gained mass, and couldn't care less about 'fixing' a girl. If a girl shows any red flags, I'm outta there no matter how hot she is....something I couldn't do a year ago
thanks so much for this. i spent every day of the past year talking to this girl long distance. we finally got to meet up a month ago, we see each other every day now and so i asked her out and just was not expecting a no at all lol
nothing i said to her was a lie and so i still want to be a really damn good friend. rn i decided to let the ball be in her court, i want her to define how much we talk every day and well it's been 0. i see her hanging out with our other classmates after school and it made so honestly angry i just wish i had that from her.
she never says no when i invite her to stuff which is how we interact now. im just thinking i dont feel wanted at all but i know that's really disrespectful to her and what's confusing to me is that it feels like this is what it's going to be like from now on
watching dr k recently makes me realize i have very low self attitude and my mood changes depending on well a loved one treats me. my understanding of her perspective is that she wants to be alone in general and doesn't deal well getting close with others. that difference between us is particularly why she rejected me and i still put expectations on her to like ykno reciprocate interest and i think she loses patience with me when i talk about that. it's very black and white to me rn (i'm important to her like she says i am or she's abandoning me which is my insecurity) and even if she says one thing i wish i didnt feel like i didnt need to be constantly validated
TL;DR: you're wasting your time. Stop talking to this girl (if you're romantically interested) and move on with improving yourself
I've been in this situation before and trust me when I say, friend, you are wasting your time and energy. If you really like this girl in a romantic way, she is never going to give you what you want. I've been in this situation before for over two years and nothing changed. I also felt the same things you're feeling. Then I met my current gf and let me tell you there is a huge difference between someone who reciprocates and someone who doesn't. My gf makes the effort and so do I. And i stopped talking to previous girl and not only did i not care about how she felt about it it improved my relationship because I got to give more attention to current gf. Focus on improving yourself and not placing your self worth on how other people treat you/feel about you.
on the other hand, i often find myself much too clingy and have made the mistake of causing people to feel bad when they don’t give me immediate attention, which can be very bad for the relationship, especially if they themselves have certain forms of mental instability
It's true, I used to be clingy with my ex. He was very positive and laughed a lot. He always tried to do something new all the time (ANYTIME) and he would ignore me! After 7 months, we broke up and he came back (he was always sending me messages and emails during the 7 months we were broken up). Yes, I gave him a second chance, but he was still the same! So, I blocked everything related to him. He is 10 years older than me, but he's like @@.
I hope everything goes well for both of us in the future.
Accept yourself for what you are and accept yourself for who you are, and keep moving forward.
I could not handle that at some point in my life, I could not believe in the idea that my relevance and security did not and should not depend on the necessity and power I could be to someone outside of me. I wasn't really giving, I was taking, I was constructing a pillar that I could cling to whenever I felt weak, and when someone else brought it down by not validating my selfish desire to be needed and wanted, I blamed the problems on them not recognizing my relevance and greatness. It was their fault that I wasn't feeling worthy.
Change only came when I embraced how truly powerless and weak of a human I was, in many aspects, I am(was) lacking, but that was so freeing and empowering. I am such a use-less, defunct piece of unrecyclable trash without any relevance in this goddamn effin planet, and that fees GOOD! It's effin counter-intuitive but its beautiful.
I have had several relationships since that period of enlightenment, I worked hard enough to buy my own property but that plan failed during covid and I had to stay living with my parents for the rest of my college years :P, beaten plenty of my single-player games, learnt and taught myself so much, gym has been spectacular since I started, and my current girlfriend is just perfect for me, I desire to give so much to her and she appreciates all of it and yearns so greatly to give me back and then some, she's watched me play Elden Ring whenever I got back from a workout session or university so I'm living the dream.
There's many other things that have changed for the better and many other lessons I have learned so lemme finalize by saying that people need to be accepting and forgiving of what they don't have or never had, it's ok to have nothing and it's ok to not be something, you will be ok. You can grow, you can change, you can be more than what you think you can't or believe yourself to be. Grow.
I also received the Fathers Grace, which is by far, the best enlightenment of all.
I get a lot of clingy people becoming my friend and they end up wanting my attention but I can't give that to them so the more they try to pull me in the harder I pull away and they always end up really angry with me and I just shut them out of my life and feel super guilty about it
Please try not to feel guilty for defending yourself. Your feelings are valid.
@@StarmenRock conversely, it doesnt work to just shut off feelings like guilt over some self righteous validation. In fact guilt is a great gateway to start investigating our own hurts and maybe find out our shortcomings and understand our pains. These situations are tough, often times we have friction with people just out of who we are and who they are and where we’re all at in our journeys. Without agression involved
They have to consider your feelings too, you really should not be hard on yourself. They should have realized love is a two way street with both parties working to love and support one another 🙂
@@StarmenRock don't pick a side
Maybe it's time to start looking at what YOU may be doing to attract them? Everyone has problems & those are their responsibility to handle of course. However, if you keep drawing in the same types consistently, THAT is most definitely a you thing. The patterns we see in our lives always start with US, not them.
i wish i had this take on this before my ex broke up with me. i had so much resentment because i believed that i got her back on her feet, got her out of bad place and then when she didnt need me anymore she left me. but it was probably issue with ME. she wouldnt leave me probably if i fixed my own mental issues, its not like she didnt warn me and beg me to change, though it was hard time for me, i couldnt provide for her because i became unemployed. so i sank into really bad mindset. if i kept my chin up and tried to fix myself it would probably go completely differently. she did stick around with me through that rough period, despite me not being able to provide for her.. i understand more and more as time goes. i wish i could go back and change it. i wish there was a chance for us to reconcile.
The last bit is incredibly insightful. I've said "If you loved me would stop cheating on me" in several past relationships. I've never actually thought about what it meant when I was saying it
Thinking about this from the perspective of regular friends is making me think I might've been clingy before to the only friend I used to have, and years later now that I have a dozen other friends with all sorts of dynamics, that one old friend and I don't talk that much anymore, and it sort of upsets them.
Now that I don't rely on them, it sorta feels like they MIGHT be trying to get attention in a clingy way? Its hard to say, but some part of me feels like its not a balanced friendship, which makes it hard for me to talk to them. I ended up avoiding them.
yikes. I had a friend do this to me. We were each other best friend in high school and for a little bit afterwards pretty much tied at the hip. Then once he got other friends (including some I introduced him too), we started spending less and less time together. Whenever I'd ask him about it he'd shrug it off and say he didn't know why he was doing it. I finally blew up at him over it and we haven't talked since.
Sucks -but I'm better off, especially since he didn't have the courage to tell the truth.
Clingy people are insecure people, they use to meet their desire if its met or not they will leave soon once they see a better option
I have put a lot of work into sorting out my codependence, but even with the progress I've made I have to stay vigilant or it's easy to regress. The last guy I dated started showing his own codependent tendencies, wanting to only hang out with each other and not wanting me to play the game we like with anyone but him, and even though I recognized it as unhealthy, it appealed to me like offering an alcoholic a cocktail and I fell right into step with him. Before you know it the new relationship novelty wore off and HE was reading me the riot act about how clingy I am - and even though his bait had been the catalyst, he wasn't wrong. He only liked the idea of it when it was on his terms.
Tried doing it. Helped to build up healty habbits. Valued Persons time and attention to show, that it is something valueable. Made throw disease for half a year. To find in the end that all my effort doesn't cost sh*t.
I'm not saying that you should never date broken or injured poeple, but please, value yourself. Respect yourself from the future that would leave with decisions that you make today.
I don't believe in unconditional love. It's a fairytale. People are like puzzle pieces. They get together because they both fulfill each other's desires. There's always a "reason" why two people are together, and when you take that reason away, the relationship falls apart. People claim love until something they value in their partner changes. If unconditional love was a thing, people wouldn't ever exit their relationships and that's not what's happening in the real world. We're simply afraid to admit we're selfish and we tell ourselves unconditional love is real because it makes everything easier to ignore.
I've had this happen but somewhat in reverse. Being in a relationship not because of love but to hopefully fix someone who desperately needs help that's not provided by anyone else, and hope that they'll manage and one day they won't need you anymore. However they clinge to you more and more, refusing even more to accept the help just so that they can be with you forever, as you become their drug.
I've learned so much from your videos. I've had a lot of ah-ha moments listening to you, it's made it much easier to understand my own thoughts and feelings as well as those of others
I think this happens quite often to lonely and desperate people. When you're alone and desperate, you'll pretty much have only one criteria on your Would Date list, which is: 'Will the person make me less lonely?''. And as the answer to that in most such cases will be 'yes' even if it's in the short-term, you'll go for anything you can get. But then after being together for even a little while, as the loneliness retreats, one or both of you will start to notice all the other criteria that you completely ignored before. It might easily be the case that both of you are so incompatible that the relationship would've never worked out if it wasn't for the desperateness before. If that's the case, neither of you changed, only your circumstances changed. What seemed ok before, isn't anymore.
It is something I tell every person that asks for relationship advice. Communicate.
A relationship can only be maintained through communication. Talk to your other half. If you don't know something, if you're afraid of something, ask them. Don't drag things out by not talking cause the longer you hold it in and the longer you don't communicate, the bigger the problem can get, and if it get's too big you can't fix it.
Also I play on Hard Mode, I'm Polyamorous. Communication is so much more important there.
okay first off, i agree with everything you said. second, describing polyamory as hard mode made me laugh like a maniac
Duuuude I 100% agree with this, and have described my poly am relationships as hard mode too LOOL
im just a 1on1 kinda dude and honestly im often just looking to your guys side of the table in awe of how you do relationships.
Like talking with a partner is already a lot to focus on id be sooo fecked if there was 3 or more
@@jamescanjuggle There is nothing wrong with being a 1on1 kind of person. Just being honest with your partner, and yourself, is what it takes. I couldn't do 1on1 and honestly I envy those that can.
I don't worry about it too much though. I have had a lot of relationships, some good, some struggled pretty hard. What is truly the biggest hard mode, Tring to be something you're not.
I'm not monogamous, I didn't know that at first, so I tried to fit in with what was normal for most other people. And it always ended in fireworks. I never cheated on anyone, but I once moved states because I didn't know how to deal with a relationship I was in.
Some want to brand me as a player, but to me the term doesn't apply. A player may see multiple people, but they aren't honest to their partners. They hide it and do it behind peoples back. Me I tell you up front before anyone gets too invested, I'm non monogamous. And some people are cool with that, and some are not.
So I'm jealous of Monogamous people. Because they have the capability of focusing all their attention on a single person. I don't have that, nor do I want to try and force it. I have to hold back or let go of a lot of people I would really love to be with because they are not Polyamorus. But I can't be what they want, and I won't force them to be what I want. Likewise I expect the same in return.
Sorry for the longwinded reply, my ADHD kicked in and I felt I needed to let it run free for a bit. I hope this helps anyone understand my point of view. Stay awesome everyone and thanks for reading my longwinded explanation.
Just be happy that someone really likes you and appreciate it 😆
If someone shows red flags then just warn them, perhaps even help them and after that doesn't work then just give them some space to think about themselves, some healthy time apart. Everyone remembers the times you had to have some alone time as a teenager just to put yourself back together 😅
I personally like to discuss things until they are settled cause I can overthink stuff. Anxiety and neat stuff like that usually follows so that's why. 🙃
This has happened to me so many times, either they need my help, and once they're well enough I hardly ever hear from them- or I need their help, in which case I reach out but feel guilty about it cause I don't want them to think that's what our relationship is based on. Maybe I just have an unhealthy relationship with support dynamics?
As weve gotten to know each other more with my girtlfriend, my insecurities I never knew of started surfacing. For now we attribute them to my parent's dramatic divorce (no physical violance but mental pressure was immense between them). My GF coming from a divorse too. Her father was abusive. Now she lives with her mother. Weve been together for a year now. I am not her first boyfriend, her first was abusive. My gf was depressed, considering suicide. She got out of it tho on her own. Made a small circle of friends online who helped her. Some were toxic, but my GF realised the toxicity after her friend acted up when I became her new best friend. She keeps getting better both mentally and physically while I am on a decline on both fronts. When we met, we have both accepted being forever alone and suddenly we have this unexpected situation together. Now we both have new goals. Mutual goals. We have great communication and both have mental baggage and feel secure in the relationship. We help each other as we can and are very compationate. I used to strive to be the best for myself but now, my best current self does not feel enough o be a boyfriend, a partner, husband.
I have not had a non toxic relationship. Mainly because I myself am toxic but I don’t pick them well. Thank you for this video
Same. It starts with taking a look in the mirror, accepting yourself and change.
Such a clear message through that tweet.
~ 9:00
PLEASE don't actually say in this conversation 'you've become an adult', though, especially if you and your partner are not the same age and/or haven't been dating since high school. People with mental or physical disabilities, or insecurities that lead them to become clingy, are not children, and that implication is patronising and hurtful enough that it might shut down the conversation before it really gets going. I get the gist of what you're saying here and agree with it, just that may not be the best choice of words. In general, people don't want to feel like their partner thinks of themself as their parent.
Even better, why don't you work out the negative charge of those words and the prejudice you yourself project on being an "adult" or "child". This world needs more inner work and less word police with laying the burden of progress over to the other.
@@Zdravko7 As we can't put the world on Pause, we have to do both at the same time.
Words bad
How about infantalizing
CONTEXT bro…
Oh. I thought this was about something else.
My partner and I are equally "broken", and we support each other, while not being too dependant on the other. They are just... Much more clingy than I am. Both mentally and physically- and it's exhausting. I'm an extrovert, but during Covid I realized I do appreciate my alone time. I love them, and I get that's just how they show love, but it's not my style. We talk about it, but telling them "not now" and "i'm tired" for the nth time feels wrong.
This is also my first real relationship, so I'm still figuring things out.
It can be difficult, I've been there. How are you doing?
@@m.l.7558 Broke up with them, and am very happy being friends. Like genuinely XD
Dr. K’s videos about relationships always make me cry
Could you maybe talk more about the "giving them therapy and expecting a relationship out of it"?
I did that to a person two years ago and I want to understand why I did it.
My husband always complained about me being clingy and too dependent. He physically pushed me away many times. Finally I left and he was devastated.
Someone once said ‘You want to be needed, because you feel you’ll never be wanted.’
Holy shit, you know I was feeling pretty much exactly what you are addressing in my relationship and also happened to be watching another video of yours and I wondered, hmm I wonder if you have something kinda like this and within a minute found this video. I know my girlfriend loves the shit out of me but my compulsive need to be her life support system kills me. I've known this but my mind tends to un-unpack these insecurities so this video helps a lot. Thanks ♥️
“Sometimes, the best way to love others is from a distance.”
Thanks you for this, this really help me move on.
Now i completely understand everything that happened.
Love that set up you got going on, so organized and full of life.
A terrible thought occurred to me as I watched the first 30 seconds of this. When he was talking about like women getting into a car wreck and needing someone to take care of them, it reminded me of something I said about the movie "Love and Other Drugs" recently, and I thought about how people have been bringing up Handmaid's Tale in the wake of the repeal of Roe V Wade, and then that got me thinking about how when companies go under, they depend on a bigger company to buy them out and take on their debts, and then that got me thinking of a good dystopia story.
What about, “if you loved me, you would help me in emergency situations”?
I feel like the thumbnail wasn't related at all I wanted to know if I'm being toxic by ignoring people when I'm not interested or they are just clingy
The thing is, if you are honest and show you can't be available at the moment and the other person expects you to and confronts you about having to be there NO MATTER WHAT. They are not respecting your boundaries. Nobody HAS to be there. It is a choice according to circumstance. The moment we keep expecting all these things from people when it's something they don't want to do then, you got yourself a clingy/needy one
Setting boundaries is ok. Telling people you don't want to do something is perfectly acceptable.
Being toxic would be telling them you ARE going to do something and not do it. As long as you are honest and clear, it's not you.
back in the day when my late GF was clinging to me... i cling right back to her ( if that sentence make any senses to you )
because of this, it made a very... strange dynamic, both of us are terrified of if the other doesn't love the us anymore
at some point when both of us are getting better, we pretty much still clingy toward each other, just to realized that, it's not the value that we can bring to the table, but we enjoyed the present of each other ( metaphorically and literally )
of course most of the time this is not the case for everyone, i highly advice you to follow Dr.K instructions, he is a professional and an actual therapist, i am just a lucky man with a tragic story
i really miss her sometimes
So...What does supporting each other in a normal way look like that isn't one of the people in the relationship becoming a therapist? Like if the other person does have issues what does a healthy way to help them look like(?
The foundation of my relationship is clinginess, but my situation is opposite. Her clinginess never went away and it has gotten to the point that she goes apeshit if I do literally anything without her. It's ruined my social life, but any time I try to point that out she refuses to admit anything and blames me for not trying hard enough socially.
Time for couples counseling and individual therapy
Trying to isolate you from your friends, not exactly a good sign.
She might be feeling empty or might not know what to do with herself when you're not around do not lose contact with your friends if she doesn't have friends encourage her to socialize without you ask her why she's so stressed when you hang out with your friends and such and please individual therapy
I have to add finding new hobbies and new skills to perfect might improve her self esteem and might keep her busy
either offer couples therapy or breakup man, this is straight up abuse
she is abusing you.
So if someone's clingyness gives you a sense of security in a relationship, your sense of security comes from a place of insecurity. Why do people think they will be disposed of once they've been used?
Is it because they think they have nothing to offer?
Is it because using people is very real?
Is it because there is no guarantee of trust?
Cuz the sense of security can be replaced thus it means you're replaceable. Yes. Often people leave relationships when their partner has nothing to offer them.
@@chukah9484 So once their needs are met, you can be replaced? That's backwards thinking.
Basically says the person in need never liked you in the first place. They were just looking to be rescued. Why would someone have a love interest in someone needing to be rescued? That's really unstable.
"Because they're insecure" "Because they get to feel like a hero"
Then they shouldn't be in a relationship to solve their problem of being insecure. They should find a way to be confident, or at least not insecure. Once that happens, they don't need the damsel.
If you cannot trust someone still loves you after their needs are met, what do you do?
Have a conversation.
@@michaelarmstrong8166 I agree but people on average have no insight.
Irrational fear and low self-esteem. At your very core you're insecure which is why you seek security by dysfunctional forms such as clinginess and dependence
@@chukah9484 ohhhh. Thank you for your comment. Didn't know that.
"Unconditional love becomes unhealthy if you attach conditions"
Very helpful video for people inexperienced in relationships.
Needed to hear this, thanks Dr K.
Trying to fix a relationship in my own head is so spot on it's scary :D. Also, unconditional love is something that should only exist in a certain way from parents for their children. Why should two random people love each other unconditionally? That is BS. You fall in love and love someone because they are a certain way. If that way changes significantly why should you still love them? It makes no sense.
Why should parents love their children unconditionally just because they are biologically related though?
@@yucheung5853 It is literally their job as a parent, if you don't get that please never ever have children, because this is how kids become messed up with loads of issues.
If the feeling of "my partner is broken but I can save them!" is mutual, it's a whole other can of worms. It can be an exciting
rollercoaster ride. I know, I have lived it, 2 or 3 times, depending how you look at it (though only in retrospect I have the clarity to figure that dynamic out... while in in, it felt more like "the world is broken and the two of us are gonna fix it!").
But probably it will crash and burn inevitably, it's just a matter of time. Or, maybe, like he says in the video, the relationship can mature and change into something else, but... that seems like quite a few dice rolls that need to go exactly right, so yeah. Not impossible, but very unlikely.
Thanks doc for all u do
Instead of motivating me with new-found insight, these videos only further remind me how done I am with all this stuff and relationship dynamics. It's exhausting keep track of all this stuff
Amen to that!
This person who was borderline obsessed with me cause I listened to their struggle and past traumas cause I believed they need someone to vent to.
The person said he was interested me but I wasn’t and I made it clear.
With the benefit of the doubt they didn’t intend to but they even told me “if you really cared about me, you should be willing to be there for me.
My situation and struggle should be a sign for you to be there for me.”
I believe people have the right to feel what they feel cause of their past traumas, but I was just convinced that this person was manipulating me to stay for their problems while in the meantime I have my own as well.
this happened to me just recently, but the person was extremely unstable and on the edge of committing, which put more pressure for me to be with them in a relationship and after a while it ended up EXTREMELY bad. at this point i am sure they only wanted a partner to love them and didn't care about me as a person. run away from this kinda thing, no matter if it seems like you can't anymore
People's wants change, people can learn to cope without the things they want. Needs are constant and unavoidable.
A relationship based on want and not need is by definition unstable.
I'd rather my partner want and not need me. Like what, are they going to off themselves if we break up or I die? Am I expected to off myself if they end the relationship or die? I'm not allowing that to happen. I'm around my partner because I want to be around them, even when I'm temporarily frustrated with them.
The background in this video is great, Dr.K!
Expecting people to communicate honestly seems like a massive assumption. And if you expect people to do that, you will find yourself very alone. It seems like the vast majority of people are damaged that way, so no matter how much work you do on your end, things will fall apart because of other people's unwillingness to do the basics.
It's extremely tempting to not look in to the problems. If it's going to fall apart no matter what, it's better to not poke the bear so it lasts longer than it would if you shine a light on the problems.
man I went through like 10 of these relationships. many turned out to just be really insecure trans girls, and once they accepted themselves things drifted apart. I still help people but I no longer turn those helping relationships into romantic ones.
Thank you Dr. K
I really need this one
What is the musical piece at the start called? I really like it.
hurts so much because the example of the 5 years it's exactly what happened to me quite recently
The title made me think this was gonna be an entirely different topic. I thought it'd be about people thinking I'm clingy when dating are in reality toxic.
This really hits me since this is partially what I do. I want her to be happy, but now that she's off doing her own thing, I feel my worth is gone. If anything I want her to move on and be even more happy while I wallow behind. The worse part is that I realise all this and felt disgust to myself when I heard that she's having more trouble with work and friends. I'm slowly trying to move away from me being the therapist in the relationship, try to find more value in myself, and probably do more stuff to enjoy ourselves with, so lately I have been out of touch with my consoling side and can't do the whole "therapy" support now she's back depressed. I'm more worthless in this transition stage.
This really wasn't all there was in our relationship up until covid restrictions hit and made our relationship more like a ldr. We were able to go on dates, visit each other, but quarantine put a stop to that and now she's very busy with her work.
I have other problems to deal with as well, other than losing my worth of being supportive, I'm losing in a lot of other aspects in my life. Pretty much a dead weight atm.
Omg same, it seems I make people happy for a while but when they go do their own thing they forget about me. I’m happy that they have their own thing going on but I can’t help but feel used.
The worst part is that I get used to sharing my happiness and life with them and when they leave I not only lose my companion but my routine, and everything I do gets accentuated by the fact that I now do it alone.
After a while I end up looking for things to enjoy myself and I tend to spend more time with my family, this things bring me back to being joyous but in time I meet someone else amd the cycle repeats. It makes me want to just shut down permanently focus on doing things I enjoy and get the affection and interaction I need from family and a few friends.
I see this a lot in friendships as well, some people like to have clingy friends!!
If you think you're clingy, be clingy. A true relationship let's people be open with each other and they'll tell you. If you want a true relationship (friends, romantic partners, colleagues) you have to risk showing who you truly are so the people in your life can do the same.
Well said!
Can he pls do a video or can anyone who can relate to this talk about idolizing someone and having the rose colored glasses on and YOU being the one who‘s clingy at first and the second the relationship "stabilizes" in the sense of the other person reciprocating that and mirroring this clinginess and codependency to you YOU start to get the ick and want to leave because you feel suffocated
13:02 Huh, that's interesting. I never really questioned this but I've always associated the term "unconditional love" with familial relationships, like a parent and child, and always thought romantic relationships were conditional by nature.
I wish I found Dr. K before I found myself in a situation just like this lmao
Damn wish I could've seen this months ago, describes what happened with my ex lol
What is the definition of unconditional love? It doesn’t make sense to me. Is it a level of love to where you won’t leave someone no matter. Does it just define a certain level of love? Is it a type of love we call unconditional because it is almost impossible for one’s love to waiver. Is it a level that you feel you know someone so well and are so secure in your relationship with them that the love can be unconditional
being insecure cause you know you aren't addonis fucking sucks.
i dont know how guys who are anything less than the best can accept themselves honestly.
half a decade of trying to prove im worth something so far and progress is minimal.
Nothing has objective value only subjective value depending on what people want/need. Attractiveness is only worthwhile to the people that care about it, find what you offer whether it's being funny, having good vibes, being kind and helpful, being strong, giving advice.
Also you're probably not ugly you just hyper focus on what you don't like about yourself while not highlighting your strength. Dress well with clothes that fit, get a decent haircut that matches your face, wash your butt.
I am insecure about some aspects of me but not all parts. I am not the best in everything or likely anything when I compare myself to the peak of mankind but I am good at some things. I enjoy my mind and how I see the world. I like my values and morality. I make my own copium and seek validation from others to reinforce that copium. Luckily I get that from peers and it keeps me from being overly fragile. Regardless I am still fragile but i can put on the mask to prevent the cracks from showing day to day. I am far from my peak but I carry hope and optimism in my jaded way because to not is self torture. I don't think my insecurities will ever completely go away and I don't think anyone ever does get rid of them. We submit to them and surrender to them. We act on what we can that can change and understand what we cannot change as who we are. Maybe in another life I'll be an addonis or maybe I'll put in the effort to be the most addonis I can be so that I can continue to reinforce that copium. Least I know that even addonis are insecure about something. N I know that some cool girls hate chads. So in the end I don't have to worry so much about comparing myself when I still have options.
@@chukah9484 thanks chukah. love your profile name too. when you find enlightenment maybe you can share with me XD. Seems like you are close.
@@HACKERHITMARKER333 i dont understand.
It’s all in your head bro. Don’t chase proving yourself to others. Focus on gratitude and happiness. If you chase happiness you will not obtain it. You have to be able to be happy and grateful in the moment, even when things are bad, focus on what you have. Confidence is something beautiful, if you are confident you will attract what you want. When you’re insecure people will tell and treat you that way. Your choice bro.
Let's also mention here that equal support and cooperation doesn't equal having to be everything, either. And not in all areas either. So all the unpaid labor must be considered equal to the unpaid labor or you'll just sign yourselves up for ugly mess.
Because any partner working more on the unpaid labor side will otherwise bleed out WHILE being undervalued and if that doesn't lead straight to a lot of resentment and miserable outcomes then you've happened to be part of a very very very very very rare miracle (aaand it may not last for you all the way to the future either).
Aka don't fall into the trap of money supposedly equalling "the only type of value in existence". Or even the trap of money as "the most valuable type of value of them all". You'll suffer. And eventually very slowly till, it's too late to save anything, cause the decay came so gradually it all went right over your head till it collapsed onto you!
This hits, good stuff
That may be the first sign that she lost her interest in you. that happens with me once.
key notes for me: where they come from... attaching other things to the love
Getting flashbacks from Jr year. I relate to this so much
I had like a month, ever first relationship and they were clingy but I never raised that I hated it bcs I like it so when they get near me my attention is a hundred on them, tho Im an anxious peeson so like they are times I deny when they wanna come over but deep inside I really want them to come and it excite me honestly! Then suddenly changed... they became less talkative and initiative and... it spiraled me... I remembered my friends who just needed me when they need me but when they are done they are done... or if I fail to give them the aid they need- they go to their another friend...
I guess it scared the hell out of me... I started to question them, I tried to be more open and push aside my anxious self... but they act like nothing is wrong like my past experiences with others and I honestly felt shit...
Tho, I am well aware I have done a mistake for not saying this to them... I just broke up with them and said this won't ever work out even if deep inside I want them badly...
I'm not good with love... I don't know what is love but all I know is that its wanting a person to get ever so close to you than anyone... so idk if I honestly have the right to be sad over this bcs the feeling of love hadnt developed yet but I always feel happy when theyre around and to be frank, never have I ever felt about this to others except for my family and favorite people.
Sorry for the vent ^^;
I agree to a degree that it is something that some people do to guarantee a relationship. But there is something that really concerns me on what was said. All of this is based off on the big assumption that the guy got into the relationship with this person that was, according to him, clingy for the sake of securing the relationship by providing something his SO is in need of.
I think it is unfair to portray the whole situation based on a question with no other context so one sideddly.
Edit: I have watched further into the video after posting the comment and I agree with the suggestions brought up. However I still don't think the situation should be painted so onesidedly as it was during the initial part.
V true, although not like he has much context to go off initially. I think the scenario he provided is probably based off his experience of how he's typically seen people who become afraid of their partners becoming less clingy look like
Dr. K I very much appreciate this advice however trying to be so open with young partners makes the other think you’re way too invested/clingy so they get away from you. I don’t know whenever I tried this it put the person further away cause they thought the relationship was doomed anyway
Very interesting video! I am in a situation that's both the opposite and similar to what you discussed here. An acquaintance of mine started saying he loved me a while after we met. At the time I didn't feel the same way, and I felt like his feelings for me were way too much. But then I fell in love with him eventually, and now I feel extremely clingy. I want to be with him way more often than we are, but a lot of the time he's too busy with other things. And then I feel extremely sad when he doesn't have the time for me or stands me up for dates (yes, he sometimes just doesn't show up). I don't know if I even want to pursue a relationship with him because of that, but that's another story. What I find interesting, is how our roles switched over time - from him being clingy, to me being clingy. Is this a topic you would consider talking about in the future?
I always wish i had learned the valuable lessons you teach earlier in life.
Halsey's - Without Me makes sense all of a sudden holy sheet
6:17 no, this is when you use your monero to import some nembutal and get that early retirement
I have felt very uncomfortable when people message me everday or once a week. I use to think there was something wrong with me for not allowing people to get close to me but both cases turn out to be people who had problems insecurity and toxic abuse. It was an experience, the more compromises boundaries I let them cross the harder it was to deattach myslef from them and the less of me I was becoming, I was becoming less independent and more co dependent of them. It got very much twisted with their gaslighting manipulation isolation to give them the attention they so desperately desired. Yes I've come to realize they have a very deeply rooted insecurity. Clingy people are insecure, stay away from clingy people. I wish I knew this was a red flag, I avoided the first one but ended up dealing with a 2nd one. I get that perhaps my own insecurity was an enticing prey but damn I'd never hurt others intentionally.
Dr. K be asking the right questions 😔😔😔😔
Wow, I never knew relationships can last YEARS!
I beg you, dr.K!!! Please use music that isnt this sad and creepy... it sounds like the soundtrack for the final scene of the horror game Amnesia: Machine for Pigs
Love the opening question! Girlfriend not clingy anymore, what do?
i love this channel
I went in knowing they're going to outgrow me and leave. There wasn't a question about that. And every few years i gather enough energy to go through with it. And sure enough: i am there for them, i help however i can, i get my affection whenever i can, i offer my time and attention and even my love. They feel good, they go away. So ... dunno. That's my life
amazing video, but the preview compilation of short snippets threw me off a bit