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Why You Can't Accept Love From Anyone
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
- Learn more about meditation in Dr K's Guide to Mental Health! bit.ly/3jHRYLh
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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0:00 - Reddit post (How do I accept love)
5:22 - Sense of identity
6:34 - What do you deserve?
10:00 - Past experiences don't necessarily reflect the present
12:27 - Mastery of trauma
14:49 - Let others do nice things for you
18:22 - You are deserving of love
21:42 - Rushed labelling ignores nuance
25:53 - Questions
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It is interesting how we are only able to "wholeheartedly" accept something if we think we also "deserve it"
Which is funny because that isn't how life works. We do not always get what we deserve. Good or bad.
I would love to know more about this and similar things. Although the ego can get in your way it doesn't seem like it is always bad. Also this got me thinking things like what is the difference between grandiosity and loyalty or pride and loyalty
I don’t know that I agree; I find that I’m able to accept the things that happen to me, whether I feel I deserve them or not, because I understand that there is a whole lot in my life that I can’t control.
@@Moose92411 Then you are a bit more advanced than most ;D
@@TheDhammaHub touché. I suspect I'm one of the older members of this community at 37, though I could be wrong about that. There's no doubt that my age and breadth of lived experience contribute heavily to my life acceptance.
“I find myself wanting to love others, but never wanting to be loved.”
I have never seen a sentence that so perfectly describes the way that I feel.
same tbh
I love you all
Could be on the aro-spectrum? Look into lithoromantic
Personally, "externalizing" worked great for a number of different things. As in: "What if it was your best friend instead of yourself that had this negative perception of themselves ? You would want to comfort and validate them right ? So treat yourself like you would treat your best friend, because you're the only person that has to deal with yourself every single moment of your life."
Imagine having a best friend😃
Yeah I had this one time were I put myself in someone else's shoes and I felt grateful for myself
It was weird but good
Having worked in fitness for over a decade, this is exactly one of the things I encourage people to do when they struggle with consistency. People often destroy themselves emotionally after eating something that isn't part of their plan, or missing a workout, or sleeping in, etc. I ask them what they would say if their best friend came to them and confessed having done the same. It's amazing to see them come to the realization that "oh my goodness I am being a monster to myself!"
i dont know how to do that, never had a bestfriend.
my best friend only wanted me to validate them, so i don’t know
Another trick that I use is recognizing that being selfish is sometimes the most altruistic thing you can do. If you never act egoistically, people around you don't know how much they can ask or expect from you, which will drain you mentally. Suddenly, that relationship is ruined. If you simply imposed a limit and prioritized your own necessities sometimes, you could've sustained a healthy relationship with that person.
I agree
This applies to the workplace too. When I worked my first couple of jobs, I tried to be a people-pleaser and it ended up in me getting stepped all over by bad people in management
Yes, this has happened to me a lot in healthy friendships. I impose no boundaries and when the other person ends up expecting too much from me, entirely my fault as I made them think I can always give that much, I get drained and feel resentful, but have a hard time saying anything. It's ruined good friendships before, but I've been learning slowly that boundaries are very good for both parties, sometimes the other party even becomes codependent on your energy when you give too much. So I'm trying to recognize when my resentment comes from my own lack of boundaries, or if it's truly the other person going too far. It's a tough lesson with low self worth but very important.
I know this is a bit unrelated. But if you think about it, everything is selfish.
Even not being selfish. You do that, why? Cuz it makes you feel good.
Now, obviously, not ALL selfishness is good. But not all atruism is either. 🤣
I say that to say this:
Instead of thinking about what is selfish/altruistic. Just realize everything is selfish.
Further. Who can you take care of if you can't take care of yourself? Even further, if you can't take care of yourself properly, you BECOME a burden to others.
So literally the best thing you can do IS BE SELFISH in this instance. And there are many more like it.
Im not saying be an ass.
But, yknow. Prioritize yourself.
@@firghteningtruth7173 Yes, you are right. Thanks for the insightful comment.
Wow OP is only 18 and has noticed these behaviors and patterns about herself? I'm impressed! I wish I had myself that figured out at 18.
Don't be too hard on yourself. 18 is rlly young, but I think moving in the right direction no matter where you are right now is more important
i have figured a lot of things about myself and i'm 19 but really don't know what the fuck i'm going to do with all these problems i have.
@@buckcostanza3483 he said it in the video. notice whenever something happens to you and try to not act on it, until the core belief or whatever was causing it gets replaced with a new one based on your new behaviour and experience
@@buckcostanza3483 I completely agree with the person above me. This has worked for me. Just pay attention to your behavior and notice when you do the things you shouldn't do. Accept yourself despite your shortcomings and move on. Eventually you'll notice it more and more and soon you'll be able to feel when you're about to do that bad behavior and stop yourself from doing it. Then pay attention to how things work out and how they feel when you start doing good things instead.
@@isabella7p isn't that like trying to fool ourselves? I don't feel someone who is worthy because of some reasons, how can repeating positive things solve this?
When my ex told me she loved me, I told her I didn't believe her. This was like three-four years ago but it was a turning point for me because it made me realize how I couldn't love myself and how insensitive i was back then. Took time alone for me to grow my confidence and learn to love myself so i could accept that from others.
You should treat yourself, NOW! 🌩
was in a weird mood for the last few hours, that sudden
Treat yourself NOW is just what i needed xD
gonna get me a hot chocolate at a café 😂👌 thanks stranger
@@jamescanjuggle enjoy your hot chocolate :p
@@jamescanjuggle Hope its good man
@@jamescanjuggle damn bro I took “treat yourself” as In get treatment for yourself so I accidentally admitted myself into a hospital. Im on my way now. I much would have rather had the hot chocolate
@@jl2966 Hope they have hot chocolate there. And if not, heaven does exist
What an amazing ability for insight and self reflection coming from an 18 year old person, whether it be male or female. That post alone says enough of how desired and how deserving that woman is of love and intimacy.
Right? I’m sitting here going LOL it took me a further 10 years of lived experience before I reached this stage of self reflection.
Yeah I didn't even have an inkling of this insight until I was like 27...and any time someone tried to enlighten me to it I would get really defensive and angry and assume it's another manipulation ploy.
I can totally relate to this. I feel like I’m at a point that I can’t take anything positive people tell about me. I feel like they just don’t know me well enough or I don’t deserve it.
same here, also i dont think any of my achievements really mean anything, since "if i could do it then everyone could", so i am practically self-invalidating myself and my life.
it is pretty hard to work on these issues.
@@semmu93 I get that feeling as well. I just tell myself: "Yes, anyone could have done it, but they didn't. You did."
I've felt the same way plenty of times, it isn't consistent but I still feel this way from time to time and it sucks because i beat myself up over this and self-deprecate despite my level of sense-of-self especially for my age.
@@thecastaways2 @unknown i get you people. The worst part is that we know it isn’t true. We worked for all we have. I thought I was the only one feeling like this.
me too, i almost cried when he started to say nice things about this girl who i really relate to
"I'm doubtful but appreciative anyways." Is what I usually go to when it comes to accepting complements
@@unknowninfinium4353 I'm doubtful but appreciative anyways
Honestly, I think a lot of people love giving gifts but not recieving them. A friend wanted to buy me a pc last year, but I wouldn't let him because it was too expensive for me to ever repay, but what I realized further down the line is that true friends don't expect you to repay them, they usually just give gifts because they want to.
damn where can I find that friend of yours
yeah!! i loooove buyin things for my friends for the sake of giving gifts because i know they’ll like them. i never give anything with the expectation of receiving something in return
I mean, just think about it. The average person is average. If YOU dont expect repayment when you give gifts, chances are that others dont expect repayment from you when they give you gifts.
@@emperortgp2424 i wanted to buy my friend 16gb ram for him but he refused
@@MarioBloodyX k buy it for me then buddy
Don't know if you or your team will ever read it but I just wanted to express my sincere joy for what you have been and are doing here. You helped me a lot, you helped many people a lot and you seem to enjoy doing it too: it amazes me when such a "win-win" scenario happens IRL, it reminds me of the human's life beauty potential.
Thank you.
p.s. eng is not my first language, hope I succeeded in communicating the message anyway.
Well Said ♡
Well said :)
Well said
you communicated it perfectly
You did amazing, and very well said.
I was bullied in middle school, well and high school too. It simply destroyed me. I learned to become invisible, I learned to not react to anything, never say anything, talk to anyone. Never do nothing because it WILL be used against you.
And so I successfully became no one. I am unable to act, talk and even think genuinely. There's just not a genuine me anymore. I'm just the pilot to my body.
My life is wasted. I'm 29 and I can't hold normal conversations with friends. I can't make friends of course or even approach women. I'll never have a girlfriend and be able to build a family.
I can't even chose a career to dedicate my life to. Every day is another waste. I wish I could sleep until the moment I get to die. Life is such bullshit. I don't get hoy people can enjoy this crap.
Everything you said I've gone through as well. Felt like I was wearing a mask most of my life pretending to be whatever would get me through. It can get better though. I just turned 40 and as much as self reflection has helped, it's very slow. Channels like this and an actual therapist can help speed up recovery. You have to find a good one though and I was lucky for a bit till he left to make 200 an hour in Manhattan. Don't lose hope is my point, things can change, and now is a better time than the past to get better because others are recognizing what's going on. There's more help out there.
@@Dimitris_Half I want to understand myself, but improve? The more I understand about myself the more I know how utterly screwed I am. I don't think I could improve.
But I do mean it when I say I just want to sleep until the moment of my sweet death. I have never actually wanted anything anything else. There's just nothing enjoyable about life. Nothing to live for.
(Edit) I do regularly comment, but it's more a venting out than actually expecting help. I have long lost any hope for a life that is worth living. I can't achieve that. I can't even bear hopelessness unless I smoke weed daily. There's just nothing to do with my wasted life.
@@Mr_Smith618 I've tried three different therapist until now. But it's still impossible for me to overcome any obstacle in life. I don't know if I could ever recover from this. As much as I can analyze myself I can also see there's no solution to the autopilot I have become.
Hope. Yes, I once had hope, it only made the disappointment that life is all the more hard to bear. Hope only brings more pain to the future.
Work on your self confidence by improving yourself little by little. I don't know your living situations, but strive for independence ASAP. Think of the idealized version of yourself, and work towards that. Everyone has their version of an ideal self. Want to get your shit together and feel like you're progressing in society? Making money is gonna be the leading factor there. Get a temporary (or if you like it, it could be permanent) career that makes 6 figures and grind that out for a few years, acquire some form of financial independence that way. By then hopefully you have a semblance of what you want to do with the rest of your life.
You consider yourself pretty decent academically? Go become a pharmacist. 6 figure salary straight out of school, no residency, 3 years of pharm school if you already have a bachelors or 5 years total from scratch with no college degree. Don't worry about getting in, pharmacy school requirements for admittance have dropped considerably. They need students badly currently.
If you don't think school is for you atm, get a class A CDL and drive a semi truck. You should be able to do that within 6 months, as quick as 2 months. You should be shooting for becoming an owner operator. If you create your own little business with just yourself, you can find your own loads and work for yourself, potentially making 200k + in today's load market. Moving to a state with no income tax will help you build up your wealth much faster. That, as well as investing your company profits into streams of passive income instead of keeping your money in the bank can do wonders.
These are just examples, you can do your own research. Both jobs will bring stability to your life and require you to communicate with others, getting you out of your shell little by little. Basically exposure therapy, but your getting paid for it.
Before you know it, you'll be nearing mid thirtees, and either have a stable, well respected career that pays well or around a million dollars +/- depending on investments.
Working on finances is the main priority, because how much your taking home is basically seen as where you stand in society, at least in the US. Either during or after that grind, work on your physical fitness. Potentially do a marital art once you feel like you're fit enough to succeed. The sooner you start lifting the better. #1 thing to working out is consistency. If you start at 30, by your mid thirtees you'll have the physique you want if you dedicate ~3 days to the gym a week. Becoming stronger will numb the fear of things getting physical in any sort of confrontation or heated disagreement, like I'm sure you've felt in school. Taking up a legit martial art will completely nullify that fear.
Once your proud of your body and what you own, deep down you'll want to show it off to everyone. You'll want to become more active in society because, on the exterior, people will look and see a successful person that's good looking and well to do. You will want people to know this version of yourself. Now that your financially secure and have high self confidence, finding different hobbies will be your main priority, so that you can meet other people that enjoy similar things and start creating relationships, romantic or otherwise. You won't even need to try, since you exude confidence and success, people will be drawn to you and want to be around you. Once you've developed a few skills / gotten good at few hobbies, you'll be ahead of 99.9% of guys, and not only will women be attracted to you physically, but you'll have things you guys can do together to keep the relationship strong and different skills you've honed to make you unique and interesting.
If you live like you currently live, hoping that you can just drift by without putting in effort for a better life, wanting to sleep your life away, that's exactly what will happen. You'll amount to nothing. You'll be looked down upon by everyone, unconsciously even by your friends. Even if your family says otherwise, they will secretly be disappointed in you. Parents deep down see their children as the little kids they raised, the child they had so much hope for. Of course you don't understand how people can enjoy life. All people living life like you don't understand. Some people are born in situations where they can do what you're doing. They just drift along, with opertunities being handed to them because of who they know or what family they where born in. You weren't so lucky. Most people arent that lucky. You have to put in the time... Just spend the next 5 years with that mentality. You will voluntarily put yourself through the ringer for the next 5 years for that big payday at the end. And no matter how hard things get during this grinding phase of life, always remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And when you do reach the end of the tunnel, you'll be standing atop a fucking mountain, looking down on all the shit you've left behind, on all the people that doubted you, the people that put you down.
Or not, whatever... It's your life.
You're living it
@@HappyTorpedo Yeah, I agree with you, but anyway it's something I haven't been able to do. Finding something that can sustain a good way of life. Something to dedicate to. Something to feel proud of.
"You consider yourself pretty decent academically?" No. I already had problems in high school. I went to university twice. And both times I never even got past the first year. (universities are free here in argentina)
Wasted six years of my life trying to do something way ahead of m capacities. Ended up having luck and landed on a job in public administration. It allows me to live to some extent. But is not much, and of course is not something to be proud of. It is very lacking when compared to any job that requires a title.
I am not a person of resources, I have no idea what other options even exist where I live. What could possibly be an option for a piece of shit like me.
Never could I even imagine creating a business of my own. Let alone, invest money.
I did exercise before the pandemic, and even sustained for some time during it. But it didn't solve anything. I'm still a failure of a guy who can't hold conversations with people, and can't even hold eye contact with women.
I did some years of Taekwondo when I was younger, but I am a short guy, so even when I was in my best the fear of not being able to defend myself was still there. I have also always been a coward when having to confront people.
Now, of course I've been isolating myself more and more during last year. I can only feel shame for what I am.
Every day I wonder what the hell it is I should be doing or studying. But there's never an answer. I'm just too useless and too empty. I don't know how to translate anything into everyday actions. Where is that effort I should be doing? What is it that I should be pursuing? Nothing, there's just never an answer. I wish I was capable of wanting something, anything at all. But I guess I have already died long ago. Yeah, someone who will amount to nothing seems to be exactly what I am. And I don't think I can change that.
Now, excuse me, I'm going to punch my face until I fall asleep.
Had this problem as well due to being bullied as a kid. My perspective shifted pretty quickly after dating a girl who never accepted a compliment. Made me consider that even if I don't feel attractive, beauty is still in the eye of the beholder, so I might as well accept compliments when I get them.
She is smart. She was able to introspect and most important she was able to put it into words - structured, concise, sincere. She is awesome!
Man I was legit crying during the first part. The OP is literally me except nicer and I'm an actual POS because I can't be bothered to treat people nicely when nobody ever did the same for me. I can't express how scarring the combination of bullying and shitty parents is. I don't even thing I can ever get over it for as long as I live. I'm happy OP is so nice despite sharing the same past.
I hope things get better for you.
Same here. Beat by bullies, beat by parents. I never turned bad got close tho...
I'm glad you're here though. You're already on the path to undoing the damage that was done to you. You are already doing great. Keep being awesome.
Dear, I feel ye'.. same story - sometimes I feel like ticking bomb of evil.
You can and you will. I came from the same place. Now, I'm the more-secure partner in a long-term relationship. It took a lot of years of introspection and building solid friendships. My advice would be to start with giving and receiving compliments. It seems so trivial but it will seriously open your heart to realize how good it feels to give a compliment without expectation of return. Then you will be able to empathize when people give you one too.
The first time someone that wasn't family (girlfriend) said "I love you", I had an emotional breakdown inside my head.
Same. And I'm not throwing a pity party but when that relationship ended, she said she was wrong and thought she loved me but didn't.
This is honestly one of the greatest Q&A lectures that I’ve ever heard from Dr. K.
The inquirer honestly sounds like me at double her age, and I need to rewatch this another couple times. I hope that she can glean something from this and not live in that same mental/emotional place while entering adulthood. As difficult as life already is, it’s even harder when you can’t accept love and build supportive relationships.
It's funny Dr. K brings up how we label ourselves, I just read an article the other day about how we have started using medical terminology for so many experiences. Natalie Wynn (Contrapoints) talked about how if we label everything as some kind of trauma, then nothing is trauma.
Curious if anyone else relates: for years I didn't even comprehend I was bullied, I sensed something 'off' in those scenarios, but it didn't hit me until reflecting in my teen years. Like a freight train
I relate to that post 100 percent. I trust no one. Not even myself sometimes. It's horrible to live like this...like you owe something for breathing despite the fact that you also know, there are worse people out there and this is your world too...But you still feel like a spec of dust that doesn't deserve anything from anyone. Weird..
@Sainthood I wish this was true but when I trusted no one, I trusted myself more than a higher power. Don't confuse this with 'if you don't love yourself, you can't love others.' Nah. It's you don't know how to love others, maybe, but even that's a strech since we tend to know what a best friend should do to fix their lives so much better than to fix our own problems 99 percent of the time.. But that's another story. No. I trust myself in most situations, more than I trust most human beings in so many situations. I don't trust others to make me happy 24 7, or heal me mentaly when they've only known me for a few hours, aka therapy, when I've known myself since birth. No. I wasn't born not trusting my self or others, the only moment I don't trust myself is when I turn to bad coping mechanisms because the healthy ones don't come as a default to me. They feel hard to do so I don't do them. And sometimes I take some risks but who doesn't. However, other people...man have I been lied to, manipulated, gaslighted, beaten, raped, almost killed and that from age 10? Nah. I trusted myself to know something is wrong even when I was told everything's fine and I am just overeacting because I am a female and men don't overreact despite punching a hole in the wall if they lose at a game. It's fine. it's just us women.
Anyways, it doesn't matter. That might be right for some people but for me now...i trust myself or else I would kill myself because I trust like no one else...and no, there are situations when I am like hm...I did this before and I don't seem to learn my lessons. But I am conscious of it and I don't treat myself like others did, mostly because it doesn't help to do anything, and it only makes it all worse. When I 'made a mistake that was simply unforgivable like claiming to have lost my phone but it was in the same room and I didn't see it. Wow, I am the devil. Anyways, thanks for wanting to help. I appreciate it but it goes the same with you can't love others if you can't love yourself, man, there are so many ways you can love yourself, like only you who works hard and hate you who...breathes. So much trauma you can have, you can even love someone from afar without them even knowing, just their body, just their mind, just the idea of them...humans are not simple...sadly. We are so complicated and fragmented. But man, do I wish I did not trust myself or love myself simply for having survived alone, so I could just give up cause everyone else has failed me.
I don’t how know it’s possible that I relate so much it’s like every vid is uploaded specifically for me
And i don't know how every person is diffirent yet we all go through the same exprince
AOE healing bro 👌🏻
called being a human I think :)
I saw this title and Jesus Christ that hit me
Jesus Christ man- with what’s going on on my life right now hahah… meeee fucking too, man. Shit.
@@Vivivofi just let me love you!
@Rlaziken It's interesting that I started doing most of these things in the last few years on my own, even without having great results so far, I'll try to start doing the rest
Can you do a follow up on Bullying please Dr. K?
I was bullied a lot in 5-7 grade and I think it did a lot more to me than I can reflect on most of the time. I really suffered at that time. So much so that I lost it a few times. Punched other kids, but then I was the bad guy who punched first. No one took me serious, even the teachers. It was horrible.
i feel resentment because of bullying, and distrustful because of emotional betrayal, both from a very early age. i check off a lot of adhd boxes, and my parents were not emotionally available with a father who'd lash out. atm and for a while now ive felt like a big ass child. now im an adult(28) and idk how to compromise with myself and still make myself happy and it feels impossible to take bigger strides in life. its only gotten harder to hold a job since ive been out of school. ive been working at it for years now but progress is really slow and rn i feel like im failing, and some messed up part of me wants to keep it that way.
I’ve been there. A few suggestions would be to find a direction you want your life to go in that truly motivates you, to keep consuming reliable mental health content, and to keep introspecting and resolving internal conflicts, but all of those are much easier said than done. Regardless, I hope you succeed.
Good luck
@@gavindheilly3620 thank you, im going back to therapy in a couple days. ill see what she has to say about adhd and try my best to sit with what her opinion is.
This problem is probably common in people who have alexythimia and rely too much on logic.
Til that I might have Alexythimia
I feel like this word just pointed out a lot of my traits in a single definition
Yeah the issue is overthinking situations and thinking worse case scenarios in which reality those scenarios wont come to pass sk we spent most time beat up herself and in our heads. That's why she so reflective, she has spent too much time in her head.
This reminds me of a time where I had lived with relatives for about 4 years.
I come from a household where love is assumed, not necessarily expressed. One of the smallest but most impactful thing I saw my relatives do was saying "thank you" and "I'm sorry"
I remember thinking "They genuinely say thank you and sorry to eachother??" And when I first started doing the same, my thanks and apologies were meek and unsure. But as the days passed, I soon found it to be second nature.
It changed me a little; not a lot bc 4 years of seeing open love won't overwrite 22 years of assumed love but I'm definitely more comfortable with expressing my thanks with others.
I struggle with something similar to what this lady struggles with. Listening to Dr. K speak about this topic, I thought "There's NO way I can ever get passed this! I have no faith in myself at all."
But then I remember how (in a different environment) I learned to express a little more and then I start to have a little bit more faith in myself.
We accept the love we think we deserve
There is a reason why that quote from that book stuck with me. I am still trying to realize I deserve love despite feeling like I do not.
Oh God. Well that's bad news for my self esteem.. This is what I'm asking for? Why am I like this
@@benign_oracle8875Totally throw out the idea of deserving or not deserving all together.
I lost her. She was everything to me, but I was scared she was lying to me and wanted to hurt me in the end. I lost it all just because i couldn't believe her.
fuck. wake up call.
i still believe it can work for me but i dont know what i can do
I think it's not done for good, believe me. Take it from someone who's been in a similar situation, but on the opposite side.
Reading this made me realize that the same will inevitably happen to me if I don't change my way of thinking. Just like you, I've been doubting her love because I'm scared she might be lying.
Also, I'm sorry that happened to you.
Something funny to say out loud that has helped me immensely become a better man and person in general was acting like Luffy from One piece.
As a guy who grew up without a dad that show has taught me so much about manliness, enjoying to the fullest what people give you, and the value of trying your best. I'm in no way perfect or doing everything right but I try
I resonated when he talked about being bullied as a kid. I was "the bullied" to the point that, at age 8, when they decided to stop trying to resuscitate my grandmother (I was in the room) the thought that ran though my mind was that my family was playing a sick joke on me. I still remember that thought 25 years later, and quite possibly will for the rest of my life.
''Your genitalia does not correlate with your experience'' WHEW THE SHADE I love it!
OOF this hit close to home, i know i've been needing to open my heart up for awhile, and the biggest realization i've had lately is "people can't love you if you don't let them". i WANT to receive love so badly and let myself experience the amount of love that i willingly give away, but my hesitancy and overall awkwardness with receiving any kind of affection (especially platonic) is such a mental block for me. i know it would make me a much better friend if i didnt struggle with it so much. i really needed this video
I had a similar thing with "nobody wants me around, they are just being nice etc". What helped me was something similar, "how would they feel, if they knew I thought of them that way". Because if you didn't like somebody's company, and still invited them to places, that means you want something from them, you're manipulative etc. So really, me doubting their intentions was (besides being a bad thing for myself to do) was also an insult to them.
Re: quick to label stuff: I think it depends on if it affects others (and idc that every decision has ripple effects, we're talking about immediate, negative consequences here). So for example, labelling someone disagreeing with you as a gaslighter is such a thing, it's hurting them. But calling yourself asexual? I don't think it affects someone other than yourself, you might get a community you enjoy to participate in and you can always leave if you feel like it's not actually true anymore.
Ofc you can and should look for alternative explanations, I just think self-reflection (I think I'm ace, but I actually want to have sex with xyz, how is that possible?) that's kind of necessary for identity change (I'm specifically talking abt sexuality/gender identity here) is a good thing.
You should know gender identity is a load of crap.
love needs actions , words don't mean anything .
I relate heavily to the part about taking on identities that we read on the internet. Its like I have some symptoms of aspergers, and I'm trying so hard to fit myself into that category, when in reality I don't actually think I have it. Identifying with autism (and other things i try to identify with) sort of gives me a "rational explanation" for the way that I am and the weird behaviors I exhibit. Its like I don't accept myself so I have to identify with a disorder so I feel that I'm ok because then its "not my fault" or "not my choice".
This is great, as always. But I'm just wondering if there are plans to do viewer interviews again in the future? Having the two-way dialogue instead of the one-way analysis of Reddit posts is always something I appreciated about those streams.
I was bullied in first and second grade and never had friends until college and i think this is the reason for my seriously low self worth. My new problem is finding the solution. I have learned so many things about myself from Dr. K but still don't know how to cultivate self-worth that comes from within and not external sources like success, compliments etc. I'm 19 and i feel like best times to live my life are running out..
While not a substitute for talk therapy, this podcast is an amazing primer for introspection! ❤️
That bit about labels and echo chambers really hit home for me. This video made a sort of retro introspection I've been creating for many months click a bit.
I had many personal problems growing up and with no one to talk to about them (no trusted adults anyway) I simply looked around the internet. I was already spending most of my time playing games anyway. I found reddit and so the shit train of me shattering my sense of self worth instead of developing normally has started gaining momentum, which it still has to this day. I frequented many subs for either lonely or sad people or people with some mental disorders. A sub like r/foreveralone was the place I spent most of my time as a 13 or 14 year old. I learned to introspect and develop my sense of inadequacy by arguments. And how could I resist as a small child when it felt like the most welcoming place and I couldn't possibly think any better then?
What I'm trying to say is that these echo chambers can be dangerous and if any of you are keen on being xyz labels cause you feel as though you relate to the experiences of the others in whatever online space you visit, I really urge you to reconsider whether it's good for you to be there. I think most people who watch this channel are older than I was back then, and I don't think going to depressing subs is gonna cut such older people as deep as it cut me. But still. If you think about something 8 hours a day, that thing is gonna become a fraction of your reality somewhat proportionate the the fraction of the time you think about it over the time you're awake. The point of this comment got lost somewhere along the way.
From personal experience, I can attest to how HARD this post must have been to write. Obviously I don’t share this poster’s lived experience, but in my teenage and later adolescent years, I would never have been able to put all of those emotions out into the world, despite them eating me up from the inside. For for this person.
about gaslighting
i thought my old bully was gaslighting me when she told me she didnt remember anything, but then i discovered how traumatic her childhood was and i thought "im not surprised she doesn't remember, she was more worried about her problems and just took it out on me". we were both eight, she wasnt and isnt a monster, she just didn't know what to do (i still cant forget about the pain, im working on it w/therapy, but i already forgave her)
Glad you were able to move past that. Best of luck going forward
I just wanna say I'm in an entirely diffrent situation than the girl who'd post inspired the video, but that message about accepting gratitude was something I really needed to hear too. That's a good life rule, just accepting gratitude when it's genuine and heartfelt.
One other thing I want to add (that I had to learn for myself after much bellyaching) is that you don't have to beat yourself up for not being able to accept love. I think a lot of it has to do with the whole "love yourself" / "no one can love you until you love yourself" movement. I don't believe that's necessarily true, since it is an incredibly broad and sweeping statement that doesn't take individual circumstances into account.
But the one thing I will say is that you at least have to RESPECT yourself enough to accept the love people give you. To, at the bare minimum, allow yourself to believe in the good that THEY see in you. It's not easy, but I like to think of it like pouring water into a glass with cracks in it. If your glass is covered in cracks, then no matter how much love and validation other people pour into you, it'll all come rushing back out. You won't be able to retain their love, and inevitably they will either grow exhausted or keep giving until there is nothing left in them to give. Of course we all need affection and validation from time to time, but there's a difference between wanting to be reminded of something you already know versus something you straight-up discarded because you didn't believe in it and it slipped right through you.
You don't have to love yourself fully, right this moment. That's a long and arduous journey when we still have so much of our lives to live and so much about ourselves to discover. But please, if you can, try to tighten up your glass just enough to believe. If not for yourself, then at least so you won't come to resent the people who love you.
this video is genuinely a banger, every time you upload, im ALWAYS without a doubt able to finish the ENTIRE THING. i love your videos so much and sense im early i figured id leave a comment :)
Damn I can't wait to watch this, the post ticks pretty much all the boxes I've felt stuck in lately
I'm not really sure what love bombing is, but I feel like I probably tried to do that in my teenage years, thinking that I could make someone love me by being overly nice and positive and bombarding them with text messages, cuz that's how that works as far as my teenage brain with no experience knows
No that's not what love-bombing is. Love-bombing is inherent to narcissistic relationships and it basically means gaslighting someone into thinking you actually love them but it's all a show for manipulation purposes. Once the narcissist gets what he wants from you he's going to discard you and act as if you never even existed. That's the basic jist of it.
I know of peeps in their mid 30s & older who lack the self awareness of this 18 year old. Probably myself included 🤣
My best friend and ex boyfriend taught me how important it is to let people help you and give you gifts. Their love language is acts of service and gift giving. That's how they best communicate their affection. So me, being freaked out by receiving help or gifts had to learn over time that it wasn't necessarily for me. At least not entirely. It makes them happy! And of course it does. I love giving gifts. But receiving them was something I had to learn for their sake.
FYI the relationship ended for completely unrelated reasons and we're still friends. We are close friends who mistook our closeness for more than that. But we still give each other gifts 🎁
Future mental health professional, current mental health student finishing his last year of a BS here. I wanna give a huge thank you to this channel and the community around it. I recently started watching these videos to both help me in my own personal life, as well as to learn and reflect on different pepples' psychology and psychological ideas. I hope to make as big of a difference as Dr. K one day, and I know with hard work and the right strategy for skill farming I can 😊
I've been trying to be better about this personally and I'm so proud of myself for it
21:50 I also saw and thought about that kind of labelling a lot. I used to do this as well with stuff like "I am someone who is undisciplined" or "I am a person who has low motivation so I can't do what others do" etc. It's tricky because the more you use execuses like this, the more you internalize them and make them a part of your identity. it creates a negative feedback loop. You behave in a way that is aligned with who you believe you are. I am not sure how I changed this fixed idea of who I am. Realizing what I described above definitely was an important step for me. I also started reading Atomic Habits that talks about this idea. Maybe I butchered it a little bit, still haven't finished the book after probably almost a year now LOL. (definitely not because * I am lazy* 😆😅)
i needed this video so badly
"This is just my stupid head. I dont even know how someone could help someone who's head is as stupid as my thoughts are." Super relatable.
I wonder how much of what Dr. K said towards the end applies to me. I don't think I actively avoid drama, but I am a pretty cold person. This can result in less drama, but it can also lead me to be unwilling to let go of changing peoples beliefs, which is sometimes the best way to cause them to change their beliefs. Ideally, you'll convince them that they ultimately believe what you do, but that's difficult, especially if you don't let them believe that they came up with their beliefs without a whole lot of input from you.
@@Dimitris_Half I agree. Rereading my comment, I see it may not have been clear that I was saying that being willing to let go of changing peoples beliefs is sometimes the best way to actually cause them to change their beliefs.
I got rid of my guilt for making myself understand its reciprocal. I let others do nice things for me, and the understanding is now I can do nice things for them and its a fair exchange, no weird feelings needed. I don't ask for nice things, but I will receive them gratefully when given.
I don't think bullies bully because they themselves have been bullied or hurt in some way. At least... not all of them.
I can say that I have been bullied, and I've also been a bully. About 95% bullied and 5% bully I'd say.
I've been bullied by people who perceived me to be inferior to them just like I've bullied people whom I perceived to be inferior to me. But after bullying someone for a while I realized that it didn't really make me feel any better about myself because I knew why I was doing it.
If anything, what most bullies lack is just self awareness. They don't necessarily come from a place of hurt for doing what they do. Most of them are very well of and confident in themselves and come from good households. They just enjoy it and that's it. And in many contexts being feared is a good insurance policy against other people trying to fuck with you.
Hurt people, hurt people
I'm going to have a hot take here, but I don't think bullying in itself is bad. Throughout middle school and early high school I got bullied pretty heavily and in between my sophomore and junior year of high school I did some serious reflection on what was causing the bullying. In all honesty, the way I acted and carried myself, I was pretty insufferable and couple that with the lack of wanting to defend myself made me an easy target. I read some books over the summer, specifically The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and The Power of Now and went back a changed person my junior year. I went in like they say you're supposed to do in prison, and in that first week back I just straight up decked the first guy who tried to bully me, none of that wait for them to start violence or anything, and he was shocked enough that we were broken up before he could throw anything damaging. I got suspended and all of that, but due to the changes I made over that summer I didn't really care, just took the punishment like a man. I changed my personality enough and started taking care of myself and removing the things in my life that I was being bullied over and the next two years of high school I had a great social life, and even to this day I don't struggle with socializing or with people taking advantage of me anymore.
Now, I know violence isn't always the answer, and people get bullied much worse than me, but I honestly think if people took it in a more healthy way and used it to be more introspective and change to fit in better socially, you'd see a lot more positive outcomes from being bullied. It sucks, it's rough, I got pushed down and made fun of when I came to school in a cast after I broke my arm over the weekend in middle school, so it's not like the bullying I received was soft. I wouldn't change being bullied because I really feel like I walked away a better person because of it.
@@Alexander_Grant that's a pretty dope story man. Bully's only target people they perceive as weaker so the fact that you stood up for yourself definitely changed his perception. Pretty dope journey
@@Alexander_Grant you shouldnt even have a "take". Your anecdote does not justify any "takes". its just a story, and you are not the center of the universe. My sister was bullied for being autistic, and had to go to a different school because it was so bad. Its not because she couldnt improve herself; its because bullying is the least effective way to do it. Instead, she went to therapy, and benefited more from that than she ever would have benefited from being bullied. However, this alone does not justify my take that bullying is bad. Instead, i would point to actual research & data showing the harm of bullying. You are an outlier. Its a shame that most outliers pretend to be the average.
@@perperperpen It's why I said it was a hot take. I'm sorry to hear about your sister, I think being bullied for being born with something like that is a little different than being bullied for things you can change. My point was that if one takes being bullied in a healthier way that it could be positive, I never claimed therapy wasn't a better solution. It is good to hear that your sister found the help she needed though, hope she's doing well now.
I swear, you always put out content that finds me at the right time! Thank you for your work Dr. K
I'm overweight. The world at large tells me I'm ugly as hell because I'm overweight, and therefore no one will love me unless they're a feeder or a creep. Additionally, with only two, maybe three exceptions, every man who has ever flirted with me has basically had "you look like an easy one night stand" stamped on their foreheads. Not only have I been conditioned to believe I don't deserve love, but the treatment of people who "seemed interested" has conditioned me to think "you're only worth one use."
Guess why I'm still single.
If I can offer an alternative perspective, would someone who is also overweight be a creep for being interested in you? Like there's more to people than their bodies and while a lot of people definitely put a lot of weight in physical appearance, someone with a similar experience to you of being shamed for their appearance would probably be more willing to set aside physical appearance to focus on other qualities.
"The key to a drama free life is nit the people you select, it's your capacity for conflict resolution." That's a good point but that isn't always true. There are a lot of people trying to make abusive relationships work, and no amount of conflict resolution will help.
Good edgecase recognition 👌🏻 in general the comment is true, but in some cases the conflicts grow faster than your ability to resolve them. Though tbf part of conflict resolution is standing up to those people 🤔
I would say that counts as someone without capacity for conflict resolution. Like the Drama-free person just pieces out, but an abuser is actively causing and maintaining the conflict.
In that sense, resolving the conflict by walking away is still conflict resolution. Conflict resolution doesn't automatically mean compromise or trade offs or what not; it just means finding ways to end the conflict in a healthy way.
@@PhotonBeast truuuu
You're not understanding the literal words 'resolve' and 'conflict'
Haha "Stop gaslighting me" and "Stop projecting bro" is the new "calm down" of invalidating peoples arguments
everyone has to be pacified so no one has a reason to say any opinions
Most people who had childhood trauma that affect them inside will have fear of these thing than normal people love most people feel pain amd sadness cant process so move forward with pain and fear and then they brain develop different from people
The strategy this person uses for her boyfriend would actually be a good strategy for dealing with random numbers on her phone, she's just gone a little overboard with her trust issues. I really appreciate her for coming out with this. As a male, I find this incredibly relatable, such that I have to wonder if there aren't more men who would also relate to this. The main difference for me is that I see myself as garbage, but as better than at least 80% of people for how much effort I put into being introspective. And I know that I'm only able to be this introspective because of all the advantages I've had in life. Many of which, those 80% of people worse than me haven't had.
Brilliant reddit post and extremely accurate and articulate for an 18 year old. Thank you Dr. K!!
thank you OPs for speaking on our behalf. you too are doing amazing work
I really like this title as it speaks to the experiences of a large amount of people
1. Deixar os pensamentos que não são seus.
2. Definir sua personalidade, e saber que outras pessoas podem contribuir com isso, por fazerem coisas por você - Aceite sua gratidão
3. Da mesma forma que uma pessoa possa ter a necessidade de impressionar alguém, outros podem ter essa necessidade para você.
diumdisu zene!
The bit on gaslighting hit home. Being labeled that when bringing up a differing opinion/experience gives you no clear path forward
Spiffing job lad kudos
"What do you deserve?"
Entitlement is the heaviest burden. We deserve nothing.
If we accept death as the baseline of every moment's experience, and life as a temporary illusion, then we need not have a single enemy under these wide cold skies.
My school was mostly chill. Only in high-school was there a sense of there being dorks and cool kids, but it was very loose and if someone had a problem with you it was almost certainly personal, rather than being based on group.
I don't know what public schools are like. My brother goes to a public school, but doesn't care about authority, so if there is some kind of hierarchy, he just discards it.
There was a guy messing with me in like 3rd grade, but that was it. I was a weird kid and people made fun of that, but still hung out with me regardless. I was my own bully tbh.
Thank you for reading my blog.
I was just searching this up and low and behold 2 hours later this vid drops!!
bruh it’s like dr k makes a video every time i need it. i love this community. damn
Please put more of these videos on spotify! I love to listen to these but sometimes can't be on youtube while commuting etc... I am sure many can agree
“The key to a drama free life is not the people you select it’s your capacity for conflict resolution” that would mean people lacking conflict resolution skills are the only reason things can’t get settled or am I thinking too much? I get here because people lacking conflict resolution skills would then pass it on to their kids and then such and such. Maybe they’re hoping one day someone either figures it out themselves or gets taught how along the way? If this is correct why aren’t we focusing more on conflict resolution then any of the other social blah blahs we “need” to learn about.
Awesome stuff as always. It's always great to ponder and self-reflect on any possible insecurities listening to these.
Sometimes I dont watch your videos because I feel like the tópic isnt something I relate to, but sometimes I come in and watch one of these that looks interesting and I find myself crying of the joy of understanding things and understanding things of myself and old friends as well.
I'm definitely starting to realize that I'm probably too seriously mentally ill right now to apply Dr. K's lessons. I've spoken to the folks at a mental health organization and hopefully they'll be able to get me a therapy appointment soon
Unrelated to video but:
I discovered a method of writing a To Do list that's more effective.
Usually you'd write something like:
Walk dog
Wash dishes
workout
study
But this is like a list of instructions that you can either cooperate with or not. Instead write it like a story, then you just have to act it out, plus it fills in the spaces in between tasks where you think "Hmm what next". So for example it would be like:
First I'm going to walk the dog,
Then when I come home I'm going to wash the dishes,
after that I'm going to go workout
and then ill go and study.
Im sure it does a lot more in you're mind than what I said here but the point is, it just works.
Wow! I didn't post this, but I might as well have.
I grew up the fat girl and as an only child my mom used to mock me saying, "you're only nice when you want something." (Well DUH: as a spoiled only child I was selfish kid!)
I love giving, but immediately suspect an ulterior motive when someone is generous to me. It's so hard for me to ask for help since there have been so many times I've been abandoned when I've done so. When I've opened up authentically to someone, it's always become weaponized and used against me later on.
The truly traumatic effects of neglect and manipulation seem to never go away.
Anyway! Thanks for uploading this! 💛
19:00 "I think we can all recognize this is a good person to date."
I'm not saying that's wrong, but what occurs to me is that, by itself, her post claiming she gives people gifts and tries to be nice and such is not necessarily enough to say that she's a good person to date; a person can still do nice things but for other reasons not be a (notably) good person to date.
And then what occurs to me is that this person could feel similarly about herself, i.e "well these people (including Dr. K) don't really know me well enough and if they did they might think differently about how good of a person I am to date," and that can bring a lot of negative feelings up.
For a number of reasons (including no notable education in psychology) I'm not going to definitely assert that it's unhelpful to say "no you *are* a good person to date" without knowing the person better, however I think it's worth noting that (emphasis on _I think_ ) this can throw people off if they're told "you're a good person" without feeling the other person knows them well enough to say that.
yes. inflated ego bad
Sometimes you don't need a companion you have friends and family remember to take care of yourself love yourself ❤️
sometimes you have neither of those :)
In before they change the thumbnail.
Feels like there’s a big difference in drama and conflict. Where conflict is natural and is a part of being social creatures and living in that world and drama is unnecessary conflict. Usually something easily avoided or dealt with but either intentionally or subconsciously sustained.
Bro, this hit me too hard.
this video is going to be super helpful for so many people and i mso glad that this world has someone like Dr. K
I am most concerned that all of the videos are relatable.
Very interesting. Every time I watch a new video of you Dr K, I Iearn something new. Thanks again for your work.
I wish I could send this video back to the me from 10 years ago.
Interesting how the term "gaslighting" has become so commonly used it's just a meaningless "catch-all" term at this point.
Damn, I almost asked this very question but talked myself out of it. Glad this lady had the courage to do it
If the average 18yo was this mature, I might've tried dating in high school.
Hardo gay FWUUUUUUUUUUUUU
What he said about taking the compliment to help others feel good even if it's really hard to believe? Yeah, I've come to realize that too. And that is what I do because there have been times I've sincerely complimented or shown appreciation to other people and it does honestly hurt when they don't believe me or think I'm faking it. And it's nothing against them ofc. It sucks that they're dealing with issues and problems that make it difficult for them to see their own value, and I get that too because I also have the same struggle. I do truly want to believe that the people in my life sincerely care and aren't the type to just give lip service
The word deserve really messes with my head, cause what does it mean to deserve something? Usually, people say it's hard work, but what if you can't work like them?
holy shit she articulated my thoughts completely especially the masquerade part
this helps more then you could ever know. Thanks again Dr.K
This person has so much self awareness at 18!! And I was playing with Beyblade at this age and was Super Saiyan in my head. Hehe. (nothing wrong with playing beyblades but you are normie, not Sayian)
Thank you so much you truly have help me with this advice you gave to me. I hope others will be able to learn the process of forgiveness of themselves and their past
Thank you sooo much Dr K!!
That thumbnail really got me🤣
I was hated because I didn’t partake in the heirarchy system in school. I had enough problems without worrying about being fake. Being fake for their stupid system would’ve added more issues than was worth just dealing with their hate.
Yea I was bullied for it but I get very sick when I act in a way that doesn’t feel true to me over long period of time. It grates on my mental health so I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t so 🤷🏻♀️