As I was listening to this, I looked down at the scars on my fingers. Remembering, when I was about three, I crushed my hand under a rock. I cried and looked around for help. The kinder gardener ladies sat on a bench on the other side of the playground. They looked at me, drank coffee and didn't get up. I also remember the doctor who, later that day, cleaned my wounds and stitched my hand back together. He told me it would hurt and that I would have to be brave. I bit down on my tears. "Hell, you're a tough kid." He said and I remember the fierce pride I felt. I don't recall people telling me to man up or not to show emotions, the opposite in fact. But I have many memories like this, of people ignoring my pain. When I was nine I stopped crying, for about sixteen years. It's a long road but slowly I'm getting my emotions back. It's kinda funny to see how accurate parts of this video are. As I sit here, being a successful freelance artist, living in a cheap apartment and I organised my life around the ability to say, "No, fuck of." I do whatever I want and I can do it alone if I have to. But at night, in an honest moment, when I ask myself what I need - I just want someone to hold me, like it's okay. Thank you Dr. K, you're doing great work. It has helped me understand.
i've luckily myself as an HSP been able to be in touch with my emotions, but sharing them is the problem and finding ppl that want to listen. I can 100% to relate that last sentence, about just thinking honestly what you want is someone telling you everything's alright.
not to the same intensity, but i share this sentiment actually. I too am an artist of sorts (i write poerty) which i usually do at night and honestly in a lot of my pieces i just allude to wanting someone to simply hold me. Thanks for sharing
hope people realize that getting a realization from a Dr. K video doesn't fix anything, it's on us all as individuals to take this info and do the internal work ourselves!
" you keep them at arm's length and are uncomfortable when people get too close. But you also don't want to leave/them to leave. Holy shit I felt that one. 😅
@@bingobangini because a woman is an independent object, just like men. They reside outside individual consciousness. A woman is there to love and to love back. You both will die one day at any given second, minute, or hour. It is outside the bounds of logic and reason to be afraid of losing her unless this is not love. If this Is not love then it is possession.
@@uberhaxonova That sounds like some ultimate goal buddhist thing lol. I highly doubt tho most people are able to do that and still have a happy relationship until it's over.
"Fixing your attachment style is not about figuring out the answer. It's about not facing your problem alone. It"s about emotional mirroring, not emotional correction."
That's why you need to find mentally stable people...wich, in that era, good luck. But if you do not suceeded, ppffiou and that matter you're kinda screwed.
@@LeTelecaster same. It‘s kinda passed down through generations. You should not diminish the importance, just because neglect is common. Even if it is not special, it still hurts in the end. A scar is a scar.
I’m not a man but I remember my parents belittled me and told me to shut up when I cried as a child 😀 Now even thinking about talking about my emotions or feelings with someone makes me either cry or feel embarrassed
I reacted differently, but same. Parents shut me up while crying, saying it had no meaning, and that left scars of me thinking I wasn’t allowed to feel sad. Eventually, after many positive experiences that contradict that initially understanding, it went away
So if it's wrong/adverse of a parent who belittles their child's physical pain but also probably harmful in another, different way when they over-console their child with too much "awww", then what's the best approach in that situation where the child has injured themselves?
@@mazklassa9338 Wait for their reaction, if they react badly you console them and then perhaps distract them with something and if they don’t then just make sure they’re ok physically and then move on with your day. I’m no expert though, and younger children might need to be met differently since they don’t really know how they’re supposed to react to pain or their emotions in general. If you search up gentle parenting there might be better resources for you to read :)
Idk if its just because I'm not used to it but as a guy it feels really great knowing there's a space for us to actually express our emotions and support each other
Fellas, I learned too late that I had a disorganized attachment style (anxious-avoidant). My girlfriend has an anxious attachment style. She broke up with me 2 weeks ago because she had spent the majority of the 5 years we were together putting her emotional needs to the side to make me more comfortable. I didn't help that I started traveling for work so 95% of our time together was spent being apart. She loved me, desired me, adored me. She spent that last 2 years pleading to make a connection with me. To be more intimate. I put up walls when It came to intimacy and after the break up and much introspection and reflection, it was most likely due to my father not fulfilling my needs as a kid making me fiercly independent and afraid of intimacy. I now see clearly went went wrong. I love her so much. and i know she loves me. She says its just too late for us to get back together and that i should let her go and learn about this relationship. I've learned so much these past couple weeks and it pains me to see such an amazing woman who loved me with all of her heart just leave.
this hurts to read. im in a similar position with my boyfriend who has an avoidant / disorganized attachment style, and i have an anxious one. it really does make me scared that ill end up putting my emotional needs forever to the side because of him, but i just love the dude too much to care at this point lol. i hope you guys worked it out. hope she realized youre willing to change for her and have realized the error of your ways. because trust me, its probably immensely painful for her as well.
Yeah man same here, 2 years and she left me about a month ago for a whole bunch of reasons I didn’t see until afterwards, I’ve made decisive changes to my life and everyday habits but she is pretty set it seems now, its fuckin eating me alive because we still talk over text when we need each other but that’s it, need to move on but neither of us seem to want to, even less so for me but fuck man
@@seignee Hey! I was curious where you’re at now 7th months later? I feel like in a past relationship i was avoidant and now i feel so much more anxious.
@@josephleal529 hi my friend, good question. ^^ still pretty anxious in style if im being truly honest. but we've got other problems in the mix that take more precedence currently. (bf's bad mental health, certain recurring incompatibilities). :")
I had the same situation, though we spent a lot of time together. I spent the last 2 months looking for someone that is going through the same experience as I am and I finally found you. For some reason I can't explain, it helps to see my situation is not unique and has occured before. I too wish I could continue with her now that I know where we lacked. But it's too late for her, my lovely girl. Hope you are better now. If nothing else, the breakup made you realise you need help. That alone is worth a lot:)
@@__-bk6mm yeah, for sure. I had just sent a text to a friend in a relationship that I might need to distance from her less than 30 seconds before this though lol
I’ve watched a few of this guys videos and damn! He hits the nail on the head. My friends and family think that I’m very independent. What they don’t know is fucked up people keep people at a distance because they don’t want to damage other people with being to clingy or expressing true emotions. It’s really hard to talk to people about childhood trauma when you really care about the people who hurt you. Anytime you try and open up you feel like an attention seeking victim or like you’re blaming others for your own issues. This is why a lot of men detach and slowly lose the ability to feel anything. I’m glad men are finally starting to wake up and help one and other.
@_wermz_ Nope, nobody gives a fuck what women feel either. People will say they're exaggerating or being melodramatic or making things up for attention. The only ones who care are the ones who get paid to care. I got so numb that I couldn't even feel anger until I started medication a few months ago. If you haven't gone through this then you are lucky. Be dismissive if you want, but that doesn't change people's lived experience.
Chat getting hyped and typing stuff like "winnable"/"I challenge my fate"/"clutch it out" when he started talking about selection influences n shit unironically made me tear up lmao
"let them emotionally mirror... remember, they don't have to fix anything, they don't have to change themselves, they don't have to do any of that... all you really need to become more secure and attached and understand your emotions better is for someone to just mirror, and acknowledge what you feel" This last sentence hit me really hard. I feel like my entire life I've rarely come across people that have let me do this. Most times my family, my small group of friends, a few love interests, etc have always become defensive whenever I present what I feel, even when carefully choosing my words to avoid sounding accusatory, or that I want something from them other than just be heard and understood. It's like it is immediately perceived as an attack when I try to explain that something hurt me; or immediately perceived as asking for a solution on the spot when I try to share some personal struggles, and they are quick to give quick pointers as if that would solve it right then and there; and if then I try to explain that it is not that simple, and I just really wanted to vent anyway, then they are quick to make it seem like I'm just overcomplicating things... I guess it really is important to surround ourselves with the right people, like Dr. K mentioned earlier in the video. I see now how important that really is. Thanks
Listening to this made me realize how my past relationships fell apart, and I've been with some girls with very clear signs of anxious-avoidant attachment styles. They wanted to remain aloof and in their "safe zone" and seeing that now, I realize that losing them wasn't my fault. I have my own anxious attachment style and can be very clingy if I don't temper it with meditation and self-awareness, but realizing it wasn't all me who had to do all the inner work was refreshing. I've spent my life in therapy feeling like I'm always the one who gets it wrong, always the one who has to fix myself. Realizing that some of the girls who hurt me had their own issues was very healing. Thank you, Dr K.
Hey Mr Fox, currently in a similar situation as you. I can clearly tell my GF is anxious-avoidant and I sometimes feel very clingy or needy for wanting to express my emotions to her. After watching this video I also realised that the onus of the relationship doesn't lie on solely me. I will communicate with her and take it from there. Thank you for sharing, all the best.
Man… Life truly is savage and merciless. Didn’t luck out with good parents? Then pay with your youth and lifetime, running in circles until the right set of circumstances inspire in you to figure out your issues… But only if you are mature and humble enough to identify them, as well as emotionally intelligent, AND too if you are capable of processing them, an incredible skillset that takes years to master Conclusion: World is fucked
Yes, life is hard. But you have to understand that people who were traumatized are that much stronger than normal people if they overcome that trauma. I don"t remember any great writer, singer or leader that didn't overcome some form of trauma. And often times its far worse than something like your parents divorcing, like your parents being killed in front of you. But i know plenty of people who were raised by perfect parents, now they live mediocre life.
Where are all of my emotionally avoidant ladies at?! 🐈 Avoidant women have this compounded confusion, I think, of wondering about the validity of their own womanhood, because they they don't meet the avg. assumed societal social competencies. Therefore, often awkwardly relating to 'mens issues' more.
I discovered attachment theory about 6 months ago and it helped me tremendously. I realized that my low self esteem and lack of love for myself contributed a lot to it, and while I'm a lot better now that my self esteem is higher I still feel that anxiety. It's good to know that maybe the next step is surrounding myself with good people
Growing up with a Mother that has bipolar disorder wasn't fun at all, to make it worse my family didn't realize she needed help for many many years. So my Dad used to get angry at her because of how she treated me at times they got into a fight and then my Mother would blame it on me, I felt really bad and was only 5, this lasted until I was 12/13 and transitioned into verbal aggression between both, I remember wanting to hit her at times and then feeling worse. I even punched myself in the face a couple of times, it was a real nightmare. I tried to speak with her to make things better and work together, it didn't help. She is now being treated, a lot better, barely taking medication compared to when she started treatment, living a normal life. I am now 23, I love my Mother and wish the best for her, years of therapy, meditation and learning how to understand my emotions have helped me a lot but I feel I will never be emotionally "healthy". I guess I am sharing this because it's the first time I feel so related with one of Dr.K videos. This video is perfect.
As someone who manages our fellow student's issues with families, don't ever think that you'll never be emotionally healthy. Yes the memory of the pain will always be laying at the back of your head but as time heals, you'll soon get hit by something we like the to call 'a poke that showed the light'. It's sort of a very random warmness(?) or realization kind of feeling where you feel like you ascended to a next level of acceptance or forgiveness or change in attitude or view in life at a VERY random time. Like it just hits you. Or as time goes by, you might not realize it but you eventually end up forgiving both your past and current self and just fill it with love that you've always wished you understood and felt before. Either way, you'll soon get there. It takes time and effort but you'll get there. Yes, this sounds very vague but it's a hope and reminder you that you have a chance to be emotionally healthy. Your past will never be tethered to you nor your future. You're recovering for the better and you deserve it.
@@laurasia0009 thanks for your kind words, who knows maybe I might eventually get emotionally "functional". I think I have pretty much accepted it and moved on, it's not pain what I feel, it's hard to explain. My Mother might be better but she shows no emotion or care towards me, if I don't call her, message her or visit her, she would just carry on like if I didn't exist, one time I tried waiting to see if she would ever send me a message if I didn't, 3 months went by and nothing. Of course I don't even comment on this because I know I would get a low effort excuse or even worse. I have just accepted that sadly I do not have a mother, I do try to keep in touch with her just because she is still family and who knows she might eventually realize that I am her son. Anyway it is what it is.
@@olddohko9037 I definitely understand it because that's exactly how my father treats me. More like, he's not a father anymore. More of a stranger. But I still cherish him as one of the best people in world. Your love for you mom is undeniably one of the reasons the world is worth living for. Because what you're showing is unconditional love. But of course as an individual, you have the freedom to accept the distance that you see between the two of you and it's valid to acknowledge it. It's not being ungrateful or disrespectful. It's called boundaries and boundaries are healthy. You can show your love whenever you're comfortable and happy with it. But during the times you feel like you need this time for yourself, don't hold back and give yourself the chance to heal and bring that comforting smile back on your face. I wish you all the best and Stay Safe 😊
My mother also has bipolar disorder. I understand everything you said. I've had therapy for it but I feel like it's hard wired in my brain so it's hard to break free from
This video hurts, especially when the wound is freshly open. I know I'm supposed to move on, but I'm just listening to this video and replaying all of the things I "should have done" and now it feels like it's too late. Edit: Thanks for the talk Dr.K, almost forgot. Your videos are helping not just me, but a lot of people.
@@cortnybe Nor can I expect to hold up a relationship for someone who doesn't want to be in it. I know the feeling will pass, listening to these talks helps me rationalize feelings, which is a coping mechanism that works for me, untill I can process them in a healthy detached manner. Thanks for the comment
Standing right next to you on this one, my dude. Past few months are on rewind and it feels too late. Not much else I can really say but I'll share what my therapist told me: "Just because you have things to work on doesn't mean you're not deserving of love." "You don't expect to go into music or muay thai knowing everything; you need to learn. Who says it isn't the same with life?" Second one is a bit specific lol but just fill in the blanks. Take care.
It's ok to grieve the loss of a relationship. It's a natural part of the process. Healing takes time, so don't be too hard on yourself. No one expects you to be over it quickly. If it takes a year or two, so be it. It took me 5 years to get over my first 2 romances. You'll always carry that relationship in your heart on some level. It was a huge part of your life, so honor that. Ruminating over what you "should" have done is a cognitive distortion that causes you to whip and punish yourself as a means of motivation, but it doesn't work. The emotional consequence is guilt, which isn't productive or justified. You can be kind to yourself. Practice self care and compassion. If you feel like you've made mistakes, change "I should have" to "It would have been nice if" and then turn that memory into a learning experience you can carry forward into other relationships or other parts of your life. This is how we grow.
I always knew. Like when a problem occurs and I get pissed off, after it's over, I'd act generally okay but I'd still be a little pissed off. I notice that. And I want to stop it, is this what he meant by anxious ambivalent?
@@de20i think that may be anxious avoidant that he described. your emotional needs are just left to independently sit and wither with no real expression of it
So this whole recovery process depends on having friends that you can 'share a half-baked thought with regarding your emotional state' . But as someone without friends like that or without a partner then the answer comes down to surrounding yourself or making 'good' friends which complicates the problem scope even more.
a therapist can help you to mirror those feelings. I know its not like having a friend (i find myself in same situation as you) but helps a fucking lot. Is healing to have someone tell you that is ok to feel bad for what you've been trough. And I also have the hope that with the breakthroughs im going through in therapy i can stop this isolation cycle. But you cant do this alone
Take it from someone who just got rejected and for the past two months has gone from being unable to cry at all to being able to cry and authentically express my emotions. Having people there, regardless of how they respond, is valuable as long as they listen.
The bit about dads clicked for me, my mum was isolated through childhood due to medical reasons, and my dad was a rebel kid in a super strict family. Helps to understand their personal struggles with emotional processing and thus their mistakes with me, makes forgiveness a bit easier.
@@BorisBidjanSaberi11 forgiveness only works when the offending party recognizes what they did wrong and make sincere effort to change, otherwise it just becomes permission. Don't shame people into forgiving, some things are unforgivable
This makes me feel so much better. As a man who grew up invalidated and with a narcissist father and super anxious mother I was never validated very well. I look for any cue and can’t stand the thought of someone leaving. I’m so 50/50. When I explain this to to my guy friends their answers are so simple minded “ you just need to be in a relationship man”. I know they are struggling too but it’s so invalidating to how actually rough it is for me. Happy I found this channel it’s helped me grow
Dr K talks a lot here about doing emotional mirroring with a romantic partner, but the kind of conversation where you share a half-understood emotion and the other person mirrors and helps you understand it is considered a normal healthy thing to do in friendships between women. I think part of the reason these problems are so much harder for men is that men are taught they can only have these conversations with a romantic partner, so they miss out on a really big benefit of friendship. It really sucks that the social norms are like that. I wonder if it would be possible to set something up in the HG discord where people who don't have a friend or partner they can do this with irl can help each other process emotions. Being on the other side and helping another person process their emotions is also a really useful skill to practice that will help you be a good friend and partner.
@@D_Jilla That's interesting, I don't think I've seen or heard of any research on that. Do you remember anything about what video or when he said that? I'd be interested to hear the detail of what he said and what the evidence is.
@@D_Jilla I mean, for certain not all. It seems to me that there is a slight biological component but it shouldn't be generalized. It's said that according to MBTI, ~ 70 % of men have a 'thinking judging process' (have a preference for using some kind of subjective logic system or objective logical measurement system to process information) and ~ 60% of women prefer a 'feeling judging process' (have a preference for using their subjective emotional state or objective interpersonal measurements to process information). Often enacting behavior that goes along with their personality leads to skills, which is why men in general may have better critical thinking skills and women may have better emotional intelligence, for example. This paints a good picture, I think, on how the personality may make it more difficult to deal with emotion for many men. But as one can see, it always depends.
@@blaulin That makes a lot more sense with what I observe myself and the science I'm aware of. It's also worth noting that Myers Briggs Type can change during the person's adult life, the traits aren't necessarily fixed. What cognitive skills you are better at could have a lot to do with what skills you were encouraged to practice and had modelled to you in childhood. If you want to as an adult, you could choose to put time and effort into practising a different set of skills, and see if your ability increases.
I love this so much. I plan to use these strategies with my son who is struggling. My son was traumatized at birth (strangled by his umbilical cord for nearly 2 hours). He has always been anxious and avoidant even as an infant. I had post-partum depression, but didn't realize until well after my second child was born. While being depressed, I felt very conflicted about his stand-off-ish behavior. I would try to cuddle and be affectionate, but he was too "busy" to stop for anyone. I figured he was just a very active boy who didn't want to be bother by his mom's silly requests for babying. He had a blanket that gave him comfort and I was sure to have it with him at all times. So I let him be more independent and less mom-focused. He was a pretty happy toddler despite his anxious tendencies until we lost our home and most of our belongings in a flood. He was 3.5 yrs old at the time. He seemed to take it okay at the time, but later started to developing phobias, obsessions, compulsions and tics. After a couple years of struggling to sit still and keep his hands to himself in school, he was diagnosed with ADHD. I was also diagnosed with ADHD at that time. Meds helped us both, but his anxiety and tics were much more noticeable. He was eventually diagnosed with anxiety and Tourette syndrome, which helped us get him help with accommodations at school. Then pandemic hits. He barely passed when before he was an honor roll student. He has become alexithymic, video game addicted and mindlessly destructive. His self-esteem plummeted when he realized that he couldn't control himself. He avoids interaction with everyone at home, has trouble making friends, and has expressed feeling very alone. I have struggled to help him, because honestly I have many of the same issues. So, I think the two of us could really benefit from the communication techniques that Dr. K describes in this video. I want him to feel supported even though I don't have the answers myself.
Quote,"not have to face it alone." I felt that. I had to continue to face anything related to emotions ALONE while in an emotionally neglectful relationship. No matter how many times I've "tried" to share, tell, express, the other person would trivialize, dismiss, ignore and get defensive or made it about them instead of trying to understand where I was coming from or get what I needed. I felt overwhelmingly emotionally neglected and alone. No one should ever feel that way in a relationship.
This hits hard for me man, I've known my best friend for like 5 years, but I've always secretly found it kind of weird and annoying that we only ever talk to each other and never really do anything else except maybe play video games, and how we never ever have any sort of friendly physical contact, we're always standing at a distance from each other, it would make literally no difference if we were just floating heads communicating in space, and I feel like that's an important thing in any sort of relationship that is kind of absent in ours, like, when I visited his house we just played games all day while sitting in 2 different chairs apart from each other, it just felt so distant and weird, like, we're great at talking, we could talk for hours and it would never get old, we've got fantastic chemistry there, but doing a sedentary activity like playing games ALL DAY feels like a waste of time, it doesn't feel like we're enjoying each others company, or hanging out, it feels like we're just both distracting ourselves from life at the same time, just waiting for it to be over, you know? Like, you would think we would mix it up and do a bunch of different things, but no, it was just playing video games for like 5 hours, and then I went home feeling exhausted and drained, and at the time I didn't know why, but now I feel like it was because what we were doing got boring and dull after the first hour, and it wasn't fun after that. You kinda have to do different things, or else it'll get really dull really fast, and you can even start to feel lonely, even if you're with someone else. But I still never mentioned any of this because I don't know how to say it, I don't know how to communicate it without it being uncomfortable or awkward, due to the nature of our friendship, we always just kinda make jokes and sarcastic comments and complain about stuff, we never really have any times that feel genuine, I don't know... it's hard to explain, but I feel like it's a problem that isn't be addressed, and this video was very helpful in making me realize certain things and feelings that I didn't know how to explain properly. And I think there is hope because there was one time where he actually confronted me and told me genuinely about something I was doing and said very directly and respectfully that it bothered him, and I never did it again after that, and it was fine, and I just remember thinking it was very grown up and mature of him to say that, and I was thankful that he told me straight up because if he didn't I would've kept doing it cause I thought it was funny, and I didn't realize it was annoying. There's a time and a place, but sometimes you just gotta tell it like it is man.
I've never found anyone to mirored anything regarding my emotions or feeling, rather I almost always found people ready to mock me or ignore me, being arrogant with me as they felt something was not structured in my mind. Rather than being there for me, people tend to push harder on that insecurity as they enjoy watching someone weaker than them. Now I have to pay a psychologist every week to do this for me, because apparently in our society it's not worth your time to carefuly listen to someone a handful of times if you're not paid for it. I've been dying for the last 5 years for that exact reason.
@@vivvy_0 i imagine plenty of farmers felt depressed as fuck. always anxious about harvest and weather. people blame capitalism too quickly and its an easy cop out for "people suck sometimes"
Wow, it's almost like humans are bad or something. It's also almost like it's good to follow the prescriptions of someone who is better than humans, like a god, or someone who is a god but manifested on Earth as a human but then went back to be a god, or something.
That's why my safe zone slowly feels like hell. That's why my life long friendships feel so distant yet so close. Now I get why I'm emotionally numb. I remember being slapped for coughing and forced to hold it in. Being yelled at and slapped yet again for falling with my crotches after being told not to run. I even remember having "I'll kill you." thrown at me for accidentally hitting my sister with a stick. On top of that a narcissistic mother. There's mostly rage I feel for my parents. On some occasions I cry playing video games or watching a series/anime. That makes me feel human again. I wish I could cry without any of that but there are no tears for me. Thanks for clearing this up, Dr K. Luckily it's reversible.
Oh wow does this explain a lot. So, I'm a divorce child, but more importantly my mother was pretty emotionally unavailable when she was present while also laying down some pretty clear expectations on what I was supposed to do socially - by telling, not showing. Basically to do the opposite of what she did. Them that got combined with me hanging out with the Weird Crowd(tm), who saw someone being super emotionally available and willing to help with things and started using me as a security blanket slash problem sponge in early middle school, while simultaneously not giving me any space to air my own problems and emotions despite handling all of theirs. The lesson learned was that I just didn't get to do that at any point in life, and it left me with a mixed martyr and savior complex. And then I joined an online writing group of people who didn't know me at all and they started treating me very differently. No one came directly to me for venting or asking to fix things; people gave me space to share ideas I had and engage with them as cool thoughts, which my friends had never really done; and eventually people started asking if I was okay and if I wanted to talk about anything. Fast forward through five or six years of progression and I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore and have the freedom to explore a bunch of different options for my future in college. Oh, and I have actual hobbies, too. I'm starting to think that comparing how they helped with my self-worth problems and general ability to function to laying the foundation for a house is a pretty damn apt metaphor.
This is amazing ! We've been working on this with my girlfriend since the begining without even knowing all the theory behind it (we're both really avoidant, but we've worked a lot on communication), and it feels really good. We both feel that we can trust eachother and tell what we think or feel. It really feels great !
I appreciate that Dr. K said he used to have anxious ambivalent attachment. Because usually anxious ambivalent is explained as "very rare" and "must have gone through horrible abuse", which make me feel like there's something wrong with me to have that attachment style.
That sounds more like insecure attachment, which is very rare. That was the last one and not covered in this video. It's basically where the most disorganized and destructive personalities stem from and yeah comes from insane abuse. Anxious-ambivalent seems closest to secure out of all of them.
@@yaintracingshit512 I get what you’re saying but honestly heartbreak is avoidable pain. Not a fan of experiencing it. So I rather just avoid it entirely. Might as well say “go ahead and keep setting your hand on fire this time it won’t.” It comes across as absurd.
I deeply wish you would citation dump w/ links at the bottom of the RUclips description. I am a researcher (non-psychology; Computer Science) and I want to be able to not only check what you are saying, but also find more resources through walking through the citation chains and keywords. I am curious what is your knowledge and what is the literature and I want to have access to the literature you actually are referencing.
@@Legochurch the discord's current linked resources are pretty useful, albeit not as updated as you mentioned. Though, to be honest, when it comes to informative videos like this or especially the "Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health" citing works referenced in the specific video in a text form is very useful, even better if hyperlinked.
got that “we need to talk” text earlier today, still have yet to figure out the issue but i don’t think it will be anything good. really needed this rn. thank you Dr.K
@@wahabakhtar2467 waited 7 hours for any kind of response got fed up with waiting and just told her i’m done with this kinda stuff. got that text while i was at work and felt too physically ill and stuck in my head to even focus so i headed home early. we’re taking a break.
for most of my life i felt a lack of "intrinsic motivation" of others to get in contact with me, which leads to being kind of overly needy (i guess) and therefore makes it even harder to find out how to get good friends etc. without messing it up, and it still makes me very unsure about whether or not i should seek contact with others or not since i do not want to push them away by seeming too needy. i know many lose friends just by lack of contact of both sides, but i feel like this is a very important factor in it, at least for me: not just wanting to be together with people but also to feel like they would have wanted to hang out with you out of their own will. so it is also very much about being validated...
I understand how you feel, especially about wanting to feel like people want to actually be in contact with you. Being responsible for your emotional needs will be a huge factor in people not backing away from your neediness: they can sense it even if you try to mask it (in my experience haha) 😂. Having a coach or therapist is a great place to be needy and vulnerable and work through it so that your other relationships can come from a place of health and groundedness. That being said, a lot of people suck, and they'll still be crap friends even if you're approaching the relationships well
Hey Dr K. , Thank you for posting this video, I've recently gone through the worst break-up, due to me opening a discussion with my s/o. Which caused into heartbreak, to a point where my mind made me physically ill. I've vomited for 2 weeks straight, and have had a small depressive period (Which I think I am out now :)! after 1,5 months.) She said that I was making to big of a deal of it. Even though you haven't mentioned it properly, it's within the details, You should find someone that really wants to listen to your feelings. Whilst this video was too late for me to fix my relationship, I think it's in time for me to better myself in future relationships and prevent this. The advice you've given has helped me a great deal and I am proper thankful for that. You're doing God's work! Thank you for everything
I'm pretty certain my gf has experienced this, she never walks to talk about it though. She can send mixed signals and I know she said growing up her mum was harsh on her (still is strict parent). She's told me before she lives in a no sympathy household lol. It's why I was left confused when whenever somethings wrong with her I want to help any way I can, but once I had a migraine and she just told me to sort myself out (it's hard to get out of bed with a migraine usually makes it worse). Pretty certain she's learnt all this off her mum but no idea how I would dare talk about it lmao.
I don't really know how to do it too. My take on it would be to talk to her seriously, tell her how you feel about it with how she treats you. She may be shutting her feelings or learnt behaviours out but she can't do the same with yours. But you may need to be honest with yourself. To be sincere that is not that easy and to help her you may need to ask her for help.
I remember having this involuntary response to being asked if I'm okay. "Yes I'm okay". I used to be a goalkeeper and during practice, my own teammate tackled me with his stretched leg into my shin, THROUGH my protectors and I couldn't walk for weeks. But when it happened and my team gathered around me to check on me all I could say was "I'm okay" through my tears lmao. I never understood it.
I think this is one of the most important topics in mental health care. I'm 20 years old and had an uncommon childhood where I got to live at many different places because my parents had personal problems. Now I'm starting to lose everyone around me because from their perspective I seem distant and cold because I get confused when people start to make an emotional bond with me. Then when they start to put more distance between me and them I become more comfortable and pull them back. But then I get more confused because it seems I have already hurt them somehow. This was especially painful with my first real crush who seemed to also have been interested in me but when things became intimate I literally feel and become like a robot because the infinite confusion in my head makes me emotionally exhausted. This video made me aware of this behavior in me and I'm VERY grateful for Dr. K for explaining this. Being aware of this makes it much easier to work on myself. Thanks for everything you do Dr. K
29:00 parents 29:50 30:15 the ppl U choose to surround yourself w 31:10 your fate is not set in stone. 31:25 can your ppl help u? 31:45 what to do when ur anxious ambivalent/anxious avoidant 32:25 literal communication 33:25 2 & 2, its ok 34:00 giving them the opportunity to support u emotional mirroring, not correction share ur half baked thoughts 34:50 accepting, acknowledging your own emotional needs, as much as u can not stupid for how u feel ! its ok to have emotional needs u/others dont understand no behaviour really needs to be changed, its the awareness, acknowledgement of emotional needs, + sharing those emotional needs w/ other ppl! (share that, they hear u, mirror it back) 39:40
I've just entered into a new relationship, and the exact problems described in this video have been creating issues in my relationship. I'm most certainly Anxious Ambivalent, and understanding that, as well as that it isn't really my fault this is how I am has been life changing. Me and my girlfriend are exploring this area, and having a better understanding of where it comes from has helped immensely. I appreciate Dr. K so much, thank you man.
I feel like I can relate a lot with the anxious avoidant. My dad honestly never showed emotions to me, and my mom would pretty much just get mad when I would cry, she would also make me feel guilty any time I had any problem/issue that I just wanted her help with. Im about to be 22 and I have a REALLY difficult time with all of my relationships, I really do crave love but I also fear it and hate when people are too close to me, and I’ve always tried to be independent. It would be cool if you could do a video SPECIFICALLY on anxious avoidant, bc tbh I feel like I need more advice to change/ break free of this attachment style
As a 49 year old woman, last year, during a DBT session I realized that I am anxious ambivalent. I couldn't figure out how other people dealt with things so much better than I could, I thought they were hiding how they were really feeling and I wasn't able to hide it. I am not emotionally stable sometimes and have to work daily on calming myself down because as a child I wasn't soothed by my mother and I had to try to do it myself. And my mother wasn't either as a child so...it is a cycle. I have tried to be a better parent and I hope they can do better than me. Trying to explain this to people you have relationships with is not easy.
I dunno I don’t even get to get close to people anymore. It might be because I forgot how during the pandemic, or I’m just trying to learn how to make friends/significant others outside of my job now (just finished school so I’m not meeting many people like that anymore).
getting close takes a lot of time, usually. Unless you meet someone who is also willing to do it fast with you, most of the times you have to be aquinted to people for months/ years to finally enter that stage of 'one of my best friends'. Its not your fault, just how it works. If you want a close friend, keep looking until you either find a special person or someone who is okay with being slow friends.
Your videos are making so much sense out of my life. I'm so emotionally and socially stunted because of my Asian parent upbringing and these videos are really teaching me to be human.
This was the single most helpful thing I've ever seen for understanding my own alexithymia. I've been wondering why I only noticed this stuff now as I'm 27 through 30, but that's when I was most emotionally intimate with my wife. I try to give advice to younger people online that remind me of me (Same attachment style, pretty sure) and it's hard, because all I can REALLY say about myself is that I met someone who I felt I can communicate with. It was basically totally weird, random chance that we met online, so it's not really replicatable. But what you're saying here gives me some real insight... I finally surrounded myself with someone I can give a half-baked thought to. I've astounded therapists that I'm so open as a man, but really... I give all credit to her. (Not all, but at least the key that let me open my lock)
I got into a relationship about a month ago and I've been experiencing a lot of the internal turmoil associated with the anxious avoidant type. This video helped a lot. Thanks!
Because they're mocked and derided for showing emotion, often even by their own partners. Because their worth in a relationship is often seen as directly proportionate to their net worth. Because most men do not have the option to instantly find another partner.
For evolutionary reasons, women are more attracted to emotionless men, and therefore, less attracted to emotional men. Hence when a man shows their emotions in a relationship that's usually the beginning of the end. All sexual tension, gone. And when sexual attraction is gone the train goes off the rails. So men are stuck between a rock and a hard place, push aside their humanity and ignore their emotions and be an unfeeling robot, or ruin any relationship you come across.
This really popped up in a time of need. Helps a lot to understand myself better. Hopefully from now on i'll be able to nurture a happy and healthy relationship.
Thank you so much. I got chills several times when I recognized myself in what you said. I will try acknowledging and communicating my half baked emotions.
"This is the spawn point, and your starting gear, but the further you go into the game you have a choice how you play" Thanks Dr. K! As a kid I was anxious-ambivalent, and now as an adult I'm more anxious-avoidant. Until I heard that attachment styles evolve, I thought I was weird or wrong with my understanding of attachment.
dude you have just changed my life thank you so much, so eye opening and the solution is so simple yet i never thought of it. it makes so much sense and im gonna try and communicate one day at a time and hopefully move into a secure attachment style in the future. also maybe introduce my partner to attachment theory and we can meet each other where we're at
I’ve been kind of burned sharing my inner turmoil with someone else. It was just inappropriate to dump all my issues onto this person through no fault of their own, and it caused us to drift apart.
Gotta spread the load across a bunch of friends/social support. If you're struggling to cope with your issues, one other person can't be expected to shoulder em. Message yer bois on discord, and ask if you can open up about some stuff :)
Ur literally saving my life with these videos. I am so lost and need this guidance because growing up with a bipolar drug addict mother has fucked me up beyond words. I actually went catatonic last week when my mom blew me off to go grocery shopping for christmas dinner to instead go 'party' and didnt return my calls for 2 days. I genuinely wish she wouldnt have had me and got an abortion. It is painful just existing alot of the time and it isn't fair how affected ive become from her emotional neglect and abuse and what that can actually do to a persons mentality and self worth. Because i straight up have none.
Hey, wanted to say, I know how you're feeling and it sucks. Just remember you do have worth, and deserve to be loved, no matter how your family treats you ❤🩹 Hope you feel better, mate!
Just found your channel today. One of the greatest thing I’ve ever come across. You explain psychology and science in such a articulate way. I’m going to binge watch your channel 😊
Tl;dr: Would LOVE to see insecure attachment style covered as well. Damn. Love this one. Would love to see the one where the person's actually clingy. Idk. I think I see myself as clingy (which mostly manifests when I've already "adopted" sb as a to-go person), even tho my regular go-to reaction to an emotional situation is just go off and sort this shit out on my own. I deff find it super hard to reach out to ppl when my opinion on the matter is still in turmoil/molding. It'd just give 'em a chance to hurt me when I can least afford to be hurt (thanks mom). Plus, I'm likely to think of myself as a burden in that case, like all they wanna do is just get rid of me, and that they'll just wanna see less of me overall. Which... can't really focus on me when I'm busy managing them, hence I just prefer dealing with shit on my own. Which does sound somewhat close to the types presented here, except for the clingy part, hence why I'm interested in it. Coz it does feel like ambivalent layered on top of anxious XD if I'm getting the read right. PS: Okay, I did a quiz and I'm apparently disorganized, which is in this video called insecure. Great! Always lovely to be the mostest fucked-up snowflake, yaaay XD
Growing up, I was neurodivergent, and all my friends were too. I had emotional needs, and due to their specific neurodivergences they couldn’t meet them, or even see them. At home, my needs were seen as “too much” and were treated as shocking, it felt like. I would feel like I was saying one thing, and everyone else was repeating back an reasonable strawman back at me. In my case, it feels like my emotional needs were not so much rebuffed, as mishandled or misunderstood. Even now. I’ll be open about something when I can manage it. But then I inevitably hear either a clueless joke, or something canned like “you’re valid” from my autistic friend-who can’t do much better than that-and I want to start tearing through drywall. I don’t necessarily feel it’s “stupid,” to have these needs. But it feels very selfish and cruel and unfair. Especially for the amount of resentment and contempt I feel when they continually aren’t met. (I suppose it starts out as alienation or betrayal or exasperation, but it gets sublimated into a very ferocious resentment that I keep inside and never let out in their presence. I know they don’t deserve that.) It’s unreasonable for me to expect they pick up on things they apparently can’t pick up on. And lately, I just don’t have the strength to let them in very far anymore. I let them depend on me, but I don’t give them anything of me anymore. I just don’t have the strength to be so critically misunderstood, time and again. I think I have one of these two attachment styles. Unsure which. Hopefully, whatever variation of it I have, someone else finds it relateable. Idk.
As an anxious avoidant how do I fix myself if I don’t have an inner circle of friends? I don’t have a great relationship with my mom in terms of emotional and find it hard to even talk to her in general. There’s never been a father figure in my life and my mom was never really home and was always at work leaving me alone every day during my upbringing. I’m nearly 30 and have no idea how to bring myself out of this hole. I suffer from social anxiety and I find it very difficult to open up to others, and the thought of approaching someone scares me to death. I do want friendships and relationships and I’m trying to figure out what’s really going on. I have no one to talk to as I have always tried to figure things out on my own. Much love Dr. K, I enjoyed today’s upload.
Well, Dr. K knows at least three perspectives for problems - therapy, coaching and spirituality, and he can choose mixed approach according to the problem.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video Dr. K! Things have become a lot clearer! To the point that I cried during the video from the relief that I felt
You know, I was gonna type up an angry comment about how my usual experience with every single relationship besides like 2 friends and my mother is doing my best to be emotionally open and available and getting nothing but hurt, dishonesty or ignorance for it. I've given up on finding a partner because of that. But I'll refrain from the angry comment because if nothing else, at least I learned that apparently being emotionally repressed is the status quo for men. Interesting to know I was a minority until I started shutting off in my mid-20s.
I wish this was there when I had my previous relationship. Because despite me knowing there are different love languages, this is completely other level and helps to understand relationships in general, not only romantic ones.
Very interesting to hear this out loud. It's something I've known about myself for a long time but to actually hear it articulated by someone else with an analytical view touches me in a different way. Thanks Dr K for putting this out there.
@@alokkanojia9239 no problem :) I would also say insecure attachment usually refers to any of the non secure styles, and what you called insecure is usually called disorganised - kind of a catchall for kids that don't fit the other two insecure categories or are a mix. I appreciate the work you do!
After we communicate our emotional needs, do I just sit with my emotional needs after? I think I am confused with the sitting part of it if that makes sense.. Great video as always Dr.K!
Sitting with the emotion is like learning to tolerant an itch. It's about sitting there with the uncomfortable, icky feelings instead of squirming away with distraction or self-judgement :) Eventually the stabbing pain becomes an ache, becomes a throb, becomes an itch. THAT is the goal of "dealing with your emotions"; not getting rid of them, but giving them a seat at the table ~
This is such a wonderful, incredible video. I don’t have words for it. So important, so hard to convey correctly. This is in my opinion the best work of dr.K. So far. It gives me more insight every time I listen to it again. It’s a hard, subtle, complicated topic, but this is it. This is the root of my issue. A path towards healing seems to be revealing itself to me. Infinite gratitude to dr.K. ❤️ I hope whoever reads this has love coming for them and is ready to take it in. 💗
Kinda sad when I realize that I became a avoidant attachment individual....my parents neglected me and when I struggled with things, when I tried communicating, I was misunderstood and punished. I still struggle to forgive my parents for the lack of love, guidance and support....
I genuinely dont know how useful the current streams/content is. If you've been following from the start a lot of the themes just repeat over and over and most of the streamers arent even relatable or just avoid talking about the real things that can negatively affect their PR image...
@@harshitjain2719 I know but lately it feels like a ted talk... you're really pumped and ready to change your life but not really doing anything and waiting for your favorite streamer to come on like its some kind of a show, hence all the meme spam in chat.
I used to be very avoidant and still am but it's getting better. Talking about my feelings is scary but I remember many times feeling instantly better after talking a little bit. I took a similar approach and told my boyfriend the things I was upset about and that I knew that it didn't make any sense. I felt better immediately after and he understands me. Communication is the key
If you haven’t yet, I think you’d enjoy watching some of mizkifs newest QnA video. Idk if it would be good stream content, but I think you’d be proud of where he’s at compared to where he was.
I think it would be cool to educate people on how some feel like their 'lives are predetermined' when in a relationship at a younger age (18-30...), which results in someone with those thoughts cheating; Or I guess a more simplified version of this could be, "the mind of a cheater."
Honestly, i don't want a relationship, I just want the chance of getting dates and at least search for someone compatible. I'm okay with being single but what hurts is getting 0 dates and 0 matches everywhere, no woman has ever shown me any sign of interest and approached me, this hurts and I think this is what most single guys on this channel struggle with. It makes you feel so unattractive. Single life is not bad after all but being unwanted and never date - even causally - HURTS no matter what.
Honestly any man not in the top 20 percent of desirable men should forget online dating and anyone in the bottom fifty would do well to give up dating entirely. There’s a threshold below which it is simply not worth the effort.
@@Trynottoblink I wish I was gay, I get as many likes, matches and cute messages as average women when I switch my preference to "men" on dating apps. I don't know what to do.
@@CazzoneMagrolino Online dating isn't for everyone bro. Maybe you could try and find other social circles where you could meet new people. Besides that you can always work on yourself man, learn to be more social through trial and error, hit the gym, lose some weight, take care of yourself, get a nice haircut, take care of your hygiene. there really is a lot of stuff you could do to make yourself more attractive even though it might take a while, till then you gotta focus on you, those dates will come good sir.
The hard part for me, who definitely falls into the anxious avoidant camp, is if my partner needs me to tell them how to act around me, I'm afraid I won't be able to accept it, specifically thanks to "they're only doing it because I told them to." I don't know how to get past this I feel like a baby bringing my prescriptions to my partner because I feel if they don't demonstrate these actions being intuitively understood as 'important,' then them doing it in the future could be written off as manufactured. I'm basically telling them "hey I know you don't feel this intuitively, but this is how to emotionally validate me." And I don't want to give people such an easy way to manipulate me. If it comes naturally to them I feel they're less likely to use it against me I guess. I still don't know how to get over it though
I'm a bit confused because I can see within myself aspects of both of the ambivalent types. I can greatly relate to both characteristics within my own life as if sometimes I react like one and sometimes the other. I hold people at this arm's length, but if someone does happen to be close to me I often react like the last one where I don't tell people how something really made me feel e.g. I ask to do something on a saturday night with the boys and they go out with the gf or something. Even though they have every right to do that and I feel stupid for getting mad at that sometimes it does really bum me out even if we have hung out throughout the week. Someone HALP
Well first off you gotta stop judging yourself man! Don't feel ashamed to be you! Your feelings are valid and you have all the reason to feel this way. You have to acknowledge these feelings and maybe you can talk to your friends about this? Like hey, I know you have your girlfriends and all but I would really like to hangout in the weekend with you. And I get you man, when I am in a bad mindstate I am pretty dependant on my friends cause if we couldn't chill that would mean I am just bored in the house doing nothing which would make me only more depressed. You might feel left out because they pick their girlfriends over you or you have the feeling they don't want to hang around as much anymore. Either way the only way to fix this problem is to acknowledge these feelings and talk about it. Even if you don't feel like you can talk to your friends, just try and at least let someone in on how you are feeling, even if you don't share everything.
It's not brought up in this video, but what I've heard multiple times from other experts in the field was that it's very common for a person to have a mix of attachment styles and not just one clearly defined style in all of their relationships. (I don't have a corroborating link at hand, but a cursory search on this topic would probably back this up.)
I'm a woman and growing up my mother was very consoling, sometimes too much so, and my step dad constantly called me a crybaby or other things like that when I was crying or scared. One time when me and my sister were helping him pull up the T posts from the yard I had to stick my hand in an ant pile and I didn't want to. He told me to stick them in and wrap the chain around it quick. I did and then the second it was done I ran inside balling my eyes out because I was getting bit by tons of ants. I'm still super emotional. I cry when someone asks something of me because I feel ok some way I've failed them to make them want something from me. Plus a lot of other reasons. I always feel like a crybaby and I always feel stupid for it. I'm glad you said that this CAN but doesn't often happen to women because my step dad would say all the time we're being raised like boys since none of us were boys.
That's kind of explains why I didn't cry on my mother's funeral when I was 13. And everybody around was like "Wow, kid, what is wrong with you? Why you are not crying? Why you are not upset? Are you sure, you are holding up okay?" And sort of explains why I didn't have a girlfriend, despite that fact, that 2 women in my life was actualy offered me to meet. I just avoided them
Strange situation and styles of attachments were done by Mary Ainsworth. John Bowlby did work on attachment though, he came up with the stages of attachment.
I just wanted to say I really appreciate the work you're doing and how you've made this accessible thru RUclips. A lot of what you have said in this video and many others has genuinely helped me understand certain things about my behavior and that of my partners and I just wanted to thank you for your insight and the work that you do.
Hey there Dr. K, this was the first time I`ve ever heard of this part of psychology. I watched a few videos of you as I have had (self-diagnosed) depression and have been interested in psychology since then. Watching your 2 hours talk with LS touched me a lot and actually reminded me of how I communicate with my 2 best friends ever since they knew of my depression. Now, I know for a fact that I am the anxious avoidant type, since I`ve met someone I think I love but I don`t feel heavy emotions which has been like that since I started retracting from the friend group I had in school. I still have problems trying to tell her about some problems I`m facing, either because I don`t know myself that I have a problem until it becomes very obvious, or because I don`t want to put that on them since there won`t be coming anything from the conversation. I want to thank you a lot for the content you`re making since I would`ve NEVER figured this stuff out on my own, or even read about it as I don`t have quite enough interest in my personal problems to care enough to do some research about them. You`re helping a lot of people out there just like me and I want you to know that. I look up to you as one who can not just help people with psychological problems, but also live from helping them understand themselves better. By now I see you as someone who I can listen to for relaxation purposes, no matter the topic. Big thanks from some random 18 y.o.
Hope it'll cover the struggle to get INTO a relationship. I've been struggling to find a girl who is interested in me. So far the vast majority of girls I'm interested in do not return the affection. How does one find someone who does reciprocate?
If one women rejects you, well... thats ok. If two women rejects you, well... tough luck. if three or more women rejects you, then the "problem" is YOU. Check what is going on, Are you socially awkard? Are you phisically fit? Are you interesting when you talk to someone? First take care of you first, just for you, not for someone, then the relationship will come.
@@carlosjosejimenezbermudez9255 Kinda want you to explain exactly what "incel" interviews you're talking about. Because anybody talking about the current state of relationships for men is not being incels but showing not just men but women the reality and standards it requires for men to get into relationships it's just facts.
Dam. That video might only have 14k views but it means a lot to some of us. This makes so much sense and explain in clear terms a lot of what I'm doing, including me being very "independent" and trying not to need anyone even through that's all I want...
I've always felt like I shouldn't express these feelings to friends or partners and thought they wouldn't care or they shouldn't have to care. But reading all these comments after watching the video, I want to try and start again. Maybe people have treated me this way before but the more I think about it the more it doesn't seem right. I'm just not sure what to do if people ignore my feelings again
As I was listening to this, I looked down at the scars on my fingers. Remembering, when I was about three, I crushed my hand under a rock. I cried and looked around for help. The kinder gardener ladies sat on a bench on the other side of the playground. They looked at me, drank coffee and didn't get up.
I also remember the doctor who, later that day, cleaned my wounds and stitched my hand back together. He told me it would hurt and that I would have to be brave. I bit down on my tears. "Hell, you're a tough kid." He said and I remember the fierce pride I felt.
I don't recall people telling me to man up or not to show emotions, the opposite in fact. But I have many memories like this, of people ignoring my pain.
When I was nine I stopped crying, for about sixteen years. It's a long road but slowly I'm getting my emotions back.
It's kinda funny to see how accurate parts of this video are. As I sit here, being a successful freelance artist, living in a cheap apartment and I organised my life around the ability to say, "No, fuck of." I do whatever I want and I can do it alone if I have to. But at night, in an honest moment, when I ask myself what I need - I just want someone to hold me, like it's okay.
Thank you Dr. K, you're doing great work. It has helped me understand.
holy shit, you just made me realize i experienced something like this too
thank you for sharing man 😭🙏🏼you're a really good storyteller
i've luckily myself as an HSP been able to be in touch with my emotions, but sharing them is the problem and finding ppl that want to listen. I can 100% to relate that last sentence, about just thinking honestly what you want is someone telling you everything's alright.
not to the same intensity, but i share this sentiment actually. I too am an artist of sorts (i write poerty) which i usually do at night and honestly in a lot of my pieces i just allude to wanting someone to simply hold me.
Thanks for sharing
Being able to express emotions is so freeing, wish you the best man
Dr K how are you just gonna sit there and fix 15 years of bad relationships in one 45 minute video like it's nothing. Incredible.
Whoa I had to scroll back up, I was so engaged I thought it was like a 10 minute video
@@backpropagated same
45 minutes video of years worth of study and experience:)
What's incredible is those who does things for themselves to fix it. Good luck Bro!
hope people realize that getting a realization from a Dr. K video doesn't fix anything, it's on us all as individuals to take this info and do the internal work ourselves!
" you keep them at arm's length and are uncomfortable when people get too close. But you also don't want to leave/them to leave. Holy shit I felt that one. 😅
sometimes it's bewildering to think that's not how everyone feels
Me and my face turned to Pepe with hands
PEPEHANDS
@@uberhaxonova Why is that? You are speaking in riddles imo
@@bingobangini because a woman is an independent object, just like men. They reside outside individual consciousness. A woman is there to love and to love back. You both will die one day at any given second, minute, or hour. It is outside the bounds of logic and reason to be afraid of losing her unless this is not love. If this Is not love then it is possession.
@@uberhaxonova That sounds like some ultimate goal buddhist thing lol. I highly doubt tho most people are able to do that and still have a happy relationship until it's over.
"Fixing your attachment style is not about figuring out the answer. It's about not facing your problem alone. It"s about emotional mirroring, not emotional correction."
That's why you need to find mentally stable people...wich, in that era, good luck.
But if you do not suceeded, ppffiou and that matter you're kinda screwed.
so basically being emotionally left on read kinda messes you up... interesting
Excellent way to put it
It happened to our parents’ parents as well. We’re not special
"Closure" is a powerful thing.
@@BennyGoId Also a myth.
@@LeTelecaster same. It‘s kinda passed down through generations. You should not diminish the importance, just because neglect is common. Even if it is not special, it still hurts in the end. A scar is a scar.
I’m not a man but I remember my parents belittled me and told me to shut up when I cried as a child 😀 Now even thinking about talking about my emotions or feelings with someone makes me either cry or feel embarrassed
Wow you even used a happy emoji to hide your true feelings
@@theozuretti6091 bruh
I reacted differently, but same. Parents shut me up while crying, saying it had no meaning, and that left scars of me thinking I wasn’t allowed to feel sad. Eventually, after many positive experiences that contradict that initially understanding, it went away
So if it's wrong/adverse of a parent who belittles their child's physical pain but also probably harmful in another, different way when they over-console their child with too much "awww", then what's the best approach in that situation where the child has injured themselves?
@@mazklassa9338 Wait for their reaction, if they react badly you console them and then perhaps distract them with something and if they don’t then just make sure they’re ok physically and then move on with your day. I’m no expert though, and younger children might need to be met differently since they don’t really know how they’re supposed to react to pain or their emotions in general. If you search up gentle parenting there might be better resources for you to read :)
05:14 Strange situation experiment.
08:21 *Anxious ambivalent attachment type.*
09:35 Mixed signals.
17:00 Attachment and intrinsic motivation.
20:13 *Anxious avoidant attachment type.*
22:05 Internal distress.
27:13 *What to do if anxious ambivalent or anxious avoidant?*
ur a saint
Brill thanks
Thanks
Thaaanks
+
Idk if its just because I'm not used to it but as a guy it feels really great knowing there's a space for us to actually express our emotions and support each other
Love your pfp. I admire tanjiro because he is a supportive dude as well
I mean there isn’t though?
@@CaptainFracture Do you not feel comfortable expressing yourself in the HealthyGamer community?
@@D_Jilla 😒
@@D_Jilla 😑
Fellas, I learned too late that I had a disorganized attachment style (anxious-avoidant). My girlfriend has an anxious attachment style. She broke up with me 2 weeks ago because she had spent the majority of the 5 years we were together putting her emotional needs to the side to make me more comfortable. I didn't help that I started traveling for work so 95% of our time together was spent being apart. She loved me, desired me, adored me. She spent that last 2 years pleading to make a connection with me. To be more intimate. I put up walls when It came to intimacy and after the break up and much introspection and reflection, it was most likely due to my father not fulfilling my needs as a kid making me fiercly independent and afraid of intimacy. I now see clearly went went wrong. I love her so much. and i know she loves me. She says its just too late for us to get back together and that i should let her go and learn about this relationship. I've learned so much these past couple weeks and it pains me to see such an amazing woman who loved me with all of her heart just leave.
this hurts to read. im in a similar position with my boyfriend who has an avoidant / disorganized attachment style, and i have an anxious one.
it really does make me scared that ill end up putting my emotional needs forever to the side because of him, but i just love the dude too much to care at this point lol.
i hope you guys worked it out. hope she realized youre willing to change for her and have realized the error of your ways. because trust me, its probably immensely painful for her as well.
Yeah man same here, 2 years and she left me about a month ago for a whole bunch of reasons I didn’t see until afterwards, I’ve made decisive changes to my life and everyday habits but she is pretty set it seems now, its fuckin eating me alive because we still talk over text when we need each other but that’s it, need to move on but neither of us seem to want to, even less so for me but fuck man
@@seignee Hey! I was curious where you’re at now 7th months later? I feel like in a past relationship i was avoidant and now i feel so much more anxious.
@@josephleal529 hi my friend, good question. ^^ still pretty anxious in style if im being truly honest. but we've got other problems in the mix that take more precedence currently. (bf's bad mental health, certain recurring incompatibilities). :")
I had the same situation, though we spent a lot of time together. I spent the last 2 months looking for someone that is going through the same experience as I am and I finally found you. For some reason I can't explain, it helps to see my situation is not unique and has occured before.
I too wish I could continue with her now that I know where we lacked. But it's too late for her, my lovely girl.
Hope you are better now. If nothing else, the breakup made you realise you need help. That alone is worth a lot:)
Your timing is incredible
Hope you alright man❤️
@@G1acia1 I've been better, but I'll be alright
To be fair there’s probably never a time where this wouldn’t be helpful :D
@@__-bk6mm yeah, for sure. I had just sent a text to a friend in a relationship that I might need to distance from her less than 30 seconds before this though lol
100% agree with you. I had this type of conflict with my significant other just this weekend. Hopefully this video will help me express my thoughts
I’ve watched a few of this guys videos and damn! He hits the nail on the head. My friends and family think that I’m very independent. What they don’t know is fucked up people keep people at a distance because they don’t want to damage other people with being to clingy or expressing true emotions. It’s really hard to talk to people about childhood trauma when you really care about the people who hurt you. Anytime you try and open up you feel like an attention seeking victim or like you’re blaming others for your own issues. This is why a lot of men detach and slowly lose the ability to feel anything. I’m glad men are finally starting to wake up and help one and other.
*humans
@_wermz_ Nope, nobody gives a fuck what women feel either. People will say they're exaggerating or being melodramatic or making things up for attention. The only ones who care are the ones who get paid to care. I got so numb that I couldn't even feel anger until I started medication a few months ago. If you haven't gone through this then you are lucky. Be dismissive if you want, but that doesn't change people's lived experience.
Totally man, we needa learn to communicate
Chat getting hyped and typing stuff like "winnable"/"I challenge my fate"/"clutch it out" when he started talking about selection influences n shit unironically made me tear up lmao
"let them emotionally mirror... remember, they don't have to fix anything, they don't have to change themselves, they don't have to do any of that... all you really need to become more secure and attached and understand your emotions better is for someone to just mirror, and acknowledge what you feel"
This last sentence hit me really hard.
I feel like my entire life I've rarely come across people that have let me do this.
Most times my family, my small group of friends, a few love interests, etc have always become defensive whenever I present what I feel, even when carefully choosing my words to avoid sounding accusatory, or that I want something from them other than just be heard and understood.
It's like it is immediately perceived as an attack when I try to explain that something hurt me;
or immediately perceived as asking for a solution on the spot when I try to share some personal struggles, and they are quick to give quick pointers as if that would solve it right then and there;
and if then I try to explain that it is not that simple, and I just really wanted to vent anyway, then they are quick to make it seem like I'm just overcomplicating things...
I guess it really is important to surround ourselves with the right people, like Dr. K mentioned earlier in the video.
I see now how important that really is.
Thanks
Listening to this made me realize how my past relationships fell apart, and I've been with some girls with very clear signs of anxious-avoidant attachment styles. They wanted to remain aloof and in their "safe zone" and seeing that now, I realize that losing them wasn't my fault. I have my own anxious attachment style and can be very clingy if I don't temper it with meditation and self-awareness, but realizing it wasn't all me who had to do all the inner work was refreshing. I've spent my life in therapy feeling like I'm always the one who gets it wrong, always the one who has to fix myself. Realizing that some of the girls who hurt me had their own issues was very healing. Thank you, Dr K.
Hey Mr Fox, currently in a similar situation as you. I can clearly tell my GF is anxious-avoidant and I sometimes feel very clingy or needy for wanting to express my emotions to her. After watching this video I also realised that the onus of the relationship doesn't lie on solely me. I will communicate with her and take it from there. Thank you for sharing, all the best.
As a woman, I can confirm to you that a lot of us need self work. It's not just you.
Man… Life truly is savage and merciless. Didn’t luck out with good parents? Then pay with your youth and lifetime, running in circles until the right set of circumstances inspire in you to figure out your issues… But only if you are mature and humble enough to identify them, as well as emotionally intelligent, AND too if you are capable of processing them, an incredible skillset that takes years to master
Conclusion: World is fucked
Agreed
This is late but damn is that a validating comment
And then, only figure it all out when it's far too late for the revelation to matter
Yes, life is hard. But you have to understand that people who were traumatized are that much stronger than normal people if they overcome that trauma. I don"t remember any great writer, singer or leader that didn't overcome some form of trauma. And often times its far worse than something like your parents divorcing, like your parents being killed in front of you. But i know plenty of people who were raised by perfect parents, now they live mediocre life.
Plus side: 99% less chance of dying from lockjaw or sepsis or bloody diarrhoea than a few decades back so you've got time to try
Where are all of my emotionally avoidant ladies at?! 🐈 Avoidant women have this compounded confusion, I think, of wondering about the validity of their own womanhood, because they they don't meet the avg. assumed societal social competencies. Therefore, often awkwardly relating to 'mens issues' more.
Tell me more this might be me???
Definitely! Been repressing emotions for so long that I cannot either experience or express them to others properly
🤚🤚i am here
🙋♀️here we go
yep. here here.
I discovered attachment theory about 6 months ago and it helped me tremendously. I realized that my low self esteem and lack of love for myself contributed a lot to it, and while I'm a lot better now that my self esteem is higher I still feel that anxiety.
It's good to know that maybe the next step is surrounding myself with good people
Growing up with a Mother that has bipolar disorder wasn't fun at all, to make it worse my family didn't realize she needed help for many many years. So my Dad used to get angry at her because of how she treated me at times they got into a fight and then my Mother would blame it on me, I felt really bad and was only 5, this lasted until I was 12/13 and transitioned into verbal aggression between both, I remember wanting to hit her at times and then feeling worse. I even punched myself in the face a couple of times, it was a real nightmare. I tried to speak with her to make things better and work together, it didn't help.
She is now being treated, a lot better, barely taking medication compared to when she started treatment, living a normal life. I am now 23, I love my Mother and wish the best for her, years of therapy, meditation and learning how to understand my emotions have helped me a lot but I feel I will never be emotionally "healthy".
I guess I am sharing this because it's the first time I feel so related with one of Dr.K videos. This video is perfect.
As someone who manages our fellow student's issues with families, don't ever think that you'll never be emotionally healthy. Yes the memory of the pain will always be laying at the back of your head but as time heals, you'll soon get hit by something we like the to call 'a poke that showed the light'.
It's sort of a very random warmness(?) or realization kind of feeling where you feel like you ascended to a next level of acceptance or forgiveness or change in attitude or view in life at a VERY random time. Like it just hits you.
Or as time goes by, you might not realize it but you eventually end up forgiving both your past and current self and just fill it with love that you've always wished you understood and felt before. Either way, you'll soon get there. It takes time and effort but you'll get there.
Yes, this sounds very vague but it's a hope and reminder you that you have a chance to be emotionally healthy. Your past will never be tethered to you nor your future.
You're recovering for the better and you deserve it.
@@laurasia0009 thanks for your kind words, who knows maybe I might eventually get emotionally "functional". I think I have pretty much accepted it and moved on, it's not pain what I feel, it's hard to explain. My Mother might be better but she shows no emotion or care towards me, if I don't call her, message her or visit her, she would just carry on like if I didn't exist, one time I tried waiting to see if she would ever send me a message if I didn't, 3 months went by and nothing. Of course I don't even comment on this because I know I would get a low effort excuse or even worse. I have just accepted that sadly I do not have a mother, I do try to keep in touch with her just because she is still family and who knows she might eventually realize that I am her son. Anyway it is what it is.
@@olddohko9037 I definitely understand it because that's exactly how my father treats me. More like, he's not a father anymore. More of a stranger. But I still cherish him as one of the best people in world.
Your love for you mom is undeniably one of the reasons the world is worth living for. Because what you're showing is unconditional love.
But of course as an individual, you have the freedom to accept the distance that you see between the two of you and it's valid to acknowledge it. It's not being ungrateful or disrespectful.
It's called boundaries and boundaries are healthy. You can show your love whenever you're comfortable and happy with it. But during the times you feel like you need this time for yourself, don't hold back and give yourself the chance to heal and bring that comforting smile back on your face.
I wish you all the best and Stay Safe 😊
@@laurasia0009 Thanks, same for you 💙. Wish you the best!
My mother also has bipolar disorder. I understand everything you said. I've had therapy for it but I feel like it's hard wired in my brain so it's hard to break free from
This video hurts, especially when the wound is freshly open. I know I'm supposed to move on, but I'm just listening to this video and replaying all of the things I "should have done" and now it feels like it's too late.
Edit: Thanks for the talk Dr.K, almost forgot. Your videos are helping not just me, but a lot of people.
At the end of the day though it takes 2 for a relationship to work. You can’t do all the work on your own, that’s not a relationship.
@@cortnybe Nor can I expect to hold up a relationship for someone who doesn't want to be in it. I know the feeling will pass, listening to these talks helps me rationalize feelings, which is a coping mechanism that works for me, untill I can process them in a healthy detached manner. Thanks for the comment
Standing right next to you on this one, my dude. Past few months are on rewind and it feels too late. Not much else I can really say but I'll share what my therapist told me:
"Just because you have things to work on doesn't mean you're not deserving of love."
"You don't expect to go into music or muay thai knowing everything; you need to learn. Who says it isn't the same with life?"
Second one is a bit specific lol but just fill in the blanks. Take care.
@@poselikeangels12 As a fellow practitioner of Muay Thai, I got a nice chuckle out of that. Thanks for the help, and much love.
It's ok to grieve the loss of a relationship. It's a natural part of the process. Healing takes time, so don't be too hard on yourself. No one expects you to be over it quickly. If it takes a year or two, so be it. It took me 5 years to get over my first 2 romances. You'll always carry that relationship in your heart on some level. It was a huge part of your life, so honor that. Ruminating over what you "should" have done is a cognitive distortion that causes you to whip and punish yourself as a means of motivation, but it doesn't work. The emotional consequence is guilt, which isn't productive or justified. You can be kind to yourself. Practice self care and compassion. If you feel like you've made mistakes, change "I should have" to "It would have been nice if" and then turn that memory into a learning experience you can carry forward into other relationships or other parts of your life. This is how we grow.
It's a rough day when you find out you're also toxic during "your" toxic relationship.
I always knew. Like when a problem occurs and I get pissed off, after it's over, I'd act generally okay but I'd still be a little pissed off. I notice that. And I want to stop it, is this what he meant by anxious ambivalent?
@@de20i think that may be anxious avoidant that he described. your emotional needs are just left to independently sit and wither with no real expression of it
So this whole recovery process depends on having friends that you can 'share a half-baked thought with regarding your emotional state' . But as someone without friends like that or without a partner then the answer comes down to surrounding yourself or making 'good' friends which complicates the problem scope even more.
which is just another problem, how to get those friends that then help you with that problem lol
→ therapist
Yeah it complicates your problem but at least now you now what you need yo focus on.
a therapist can help you to mirror those feelings. I know its not like having a friend (i find myself in same situation as you) but helps a fucking lot. Is healing to have someone tell you that is ok to feel bad for what you've been trough. And I also have the hope that with the breakthroughs im going through in therapy i can stop this isolation cycle. But you cant do this alone
Take it from someone who just got rejected and for the past two months has gone from being unable to cry at all to being able to cry and authentically express my emotions. Having people there, regardless of how they respond, is valuable as long as they listen.
As a female I am shocked by how insanely relatable everything you have discussed is to my own personal feelings and experiences
The bit about dads clicked for me, my mum was isolated through childhood due to medical reasons, and my dad was a rebel kid in a super strict family. Helps to understand their personal struggles with emotional processing and thus their mistakes with me, makes forgiveness a bit easier.
Forgiveness is a superpower we are all capable of
@@BorisBidjanSaberi11 forgiveness only works when the offending party recognizes what they did wrong and make sincere effort to change, otherwise it just becomes permission. Don't shame people into forgiving, some things are unforgivable
This makes me feel so much better. As a man who grew up invalidated and with a narcissist father and super anxious mother I was never validated very well. I look for any cue and can’t stand the thought of someone leaving. I’m so 50/50. When I explain this to to my guy friends their answers are so simple minded “ you just need to be in a relationship man”. I know they are struggling too but it’s so invalidating to how actually rough it is for me. Happy I found this channel it’s helped me grow
Dr K talks a lot here about doing emotional mirroring with a romantic partner, but the kind of conversation where you share a half-understood emotion and the other person mirrors and helps you understand it is considered a normal healthy thing to do in friendships between women. I think part of the reason these problems are so much harder for men is that men are taught they can only have these conversations with a romantic partner, so they miss out on a really big benefit of friendship. It really sucks that the social norms are like that.
I wonder if it would be possible to set something up in the HG discord where people who don't have a friend or partner they can do this with irl can help each other process emotions. Being on the other side and helping another person process their emotions is also a really useful skill to practice that will help you be a good friend and partner.
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Dr. K has talked about this. And I believe he said it's more than just social norms it seems men are neurologically wired that way
@@D_Jilla That's interesting, I don't think I've seen or heard of any research on that. Do you remember anything about what video or when he said that? I'd be interested to hear the detail of what he said and what the evidence is.
@@D_Jilla I mean, for certain not all. It seems to me that there is a slight biological component but it shouldn't be generalized.
It's said that according to MBTI, ~ 70 % of men have a 'thinking judging process' (have a preference for using some kind of subjective logic system or objective logical measurement system to process information) and ~ 60% of women prefer a 'feeling judging process' (have a preference for using their subjective emotional state or objective interpersonal measurements to process information). Often enacting behavior that goes along with their personality leads to skills, which is why men in general may have better critical thinking skills and women may have better emotional intelligence, for example.
This paints a good picture, I think, on how the personality may make it more difficult to deal with emotion for many men. But as one can see, it always depends.
@@blaulin That makes a lot more sense with what I observe myself and the science I'm aware of.
It's also worth noting that Myers Briggs Type can change during the person's adult life, the traits aren't necessarily fixed.
What cognitive skills you are better at could have a lot to do with what skills you were encouraged to practice and had modelled to you in childhood. If you want to as an adult, you could choose to put time and effort into practising a different set of skills, and see if your ability increases.
I love this so much. I plan to use these strategies with my son who is struggling.
My son was traumatized at birth (strangled by his umbilical cord for nearly 2 hours). He has always been anxious and avoidant even as an infant. I had post-partum depression, but didn't realize until well after my second child was born. While being depressed, I felt very conflicted about his stand-off-ish behavior. I would try to cuddle and be affectionate, but he was too "busy" to stop for anyone. I figured he was just a very active boy who didn't want to be bother by his mom's silly requests for babying. He had a blanket that gave him comfort and I was sure to have it with him at all times. So I let him be more independent and less mom-focused.
He was a pretty happy toddler despite his anxious tendencies until we lost our home and most of our belongings in a flood. He was 3.5 yrs old at the time. He seemed to take it okay at the time, but later started to developing phobias, obsessions, compulsions and tics.
After a couple years of struggling to sit still and keep his hands to himself in school, he was diagnosed with ADHD. I was also diagnosed with ADHD at that time. Meds helped us both, but his anxiety and tics were much more noticeable. He was eventually diagnosed with anxiety and Tourette syndrome, which helped us get him help with accommodations at school.
Then pandemic hits. He barely passed when before he was an honor roll student. He has become alexithymic, video game addicted and mindlessly destructive. His self-esteem plummeted when he realized that he couldn't control himself. He avoids interaction with everyone at home, has trouble making friends, and has expressed feeling very alone.
I have struggled to help him, because honestly I have many of the same issues. So, I think the two of us could really benefit from the communication techniques that Dr. K describes in this video. I want him to feel supported even though I don't have the answers myself.
Quote,"not have to face it alone." I felt that. I had to continue to face anything related to emotions ALONE while in an emotionally neglectful relationship. No matter how many times I've "tried" to share, tell, express, the other person would trivialize, dismiss, ignore and get defensive or made it about them instead of trying to understand where I was coming from or get what I needed. I felt overwhelmingly emotionally neglected and alone. No one should ever feel that way in a relationship.
This hits hard for me man, I've known my best friend for like 5 years, but I've always secretly found it kind of weird and annoying that we only ever talk to each other and never really do anything else except maybe play video games, and how we never ever have any sort of friendly physical contact, we're always standing at a distance from each other, it would make literally no difference if we were just floating heads communicating in space, and I feel like that's an important thing in any sort of relationship that is kind of absent in ours, like, when I visited his house we just played games all day while sitting in 2 different chairs apart from each other, it just felt so distant and weird, like, we're great at talking, we could talk for hours and it would never get old, we've got fantastic chemistry there, but doing a sedentary activity like playing games ALL DAY feels like a waste of time, it doesn't feel like we're enjoying each others company, or hanging out, it feels like we're just both distracting ourselves from life at the same time, just waiting for it to be over, you know? Like, you would think we would mix it up and do a bunch of different things, but no, it was just playing video games for like 5 hours, and then I went home feeling exhausted and drained, and at the time I didn't know why, but now I feel like it was because what we were doing got boring and dull after the first hour, and it wasn't fun after that. You kinda have to do different things, or else it'll get really dull really fast, and you can even start to feel lonely, even if you're with someone else. But I still never mentioned any of this because I don't know how to say it, I don't know how to communicate it without it being uncomfortable or awkward, due to the nature of our friendship, we always just kinda make jokes and sarcastic comments and complain about stuff, we never really have any times that feel genuine, I don't know... it's hard to explain, but I feel like it's a problem that isn't be addressed, and this video was very helpful in making me realize certain things and feelings that I didn't know how to explain properly. And I think there is hope because there was one time where he actually confronted me and told me genuinely about something I was doing and said very directly and respectfully that it bothered him, and I never did it again after that, and it was fine, and I just remember thinking it was very grown up and mature of him to say that, and I was thankful that he told me straight up because if he didn't I would've kept doing it cause I thought it was funny, and I didn't realize it was annoying. There's a time and a place, but sometimes you just gotta tell it like it is man.
Initial a hug every now and then
I've never found anyone to mirored anything regarding my emotions or feeling, rather I almost always found people ready to mock me or ignore me, being arrogant with me as they felt something was not structured in my mind. Rather than being there for me, people tend to push harder on that insecurity as they enjoy watching someone weaker than them.
Now I have to pay a psychologist every week to do this for me, because apparently in our society it's not worth your time to carefuly listen to someone a handful of times if you're not paid for it. I've been dying for the last 5 years for that exact reason.
the costs of capitalism
@@vivvy_0 yes
@@vivvy_0 i imagine plenty of farmers felt depressed as fuck. always anxious about harvest and weather. people blame capitalism too quickly and its an easy cop out for "people suck sometimes"
Wow, it's almost like humans are bad or something.
It's also almost like it's good to follow the prescriptions of someone who is better than humans, like a god, or someone who is a god but manifested on Earth as a human but then went back to be a god, or something.
That's why my safe zone slowly feels like hell. That's why my life long friendships feel so distant yet so close. Now I get why I'm emotionally numb.
I remember being slapped for coughing and forced to hold it in. Being yelled at and slapped yet again for falling with my crotches after being told not to run. I even remember having "I'll kill you." thrown at me for accidentally hitting my sister with a stick. On top of that a narcissistic mother. There's mostly rage I feel for my parents.
On some occasions I cry playing video games or watching a series/anime. That makes me feel human again. I wish I could cry without any of that but there are no tears for me.
Thanks for clearing this up, Dr K. Luckily it's reversible.
Oh wow does this explain a lot.
So, I'm a divorce child, but more importantly my mother was pretty emotionally unavailable when she was present while also laying down some pretty clear expectations on what I was supposed to do socially - by telling, not showing. Basically to do the opposite of what she did.
Them that got combined with me hanging out with the Weird Crowd(tm), who saw someone being super emotionally available and willing to help with things and started using me as a security blanket slash problem sponge in early middle school, while simultaneously not giving me any space to air my own problems and emotions despite handling all of theirs. The lesson learned was that I just didn't get to do that at any point in life, and it left me with a mixed martyr and savior complex.
And then I joined an online writing group of people who didn't know me at all and they started treating me very differently. No one came directly to me for venting or asking to fix things; people gave me space to share ideas I had and engage with them as cool thoughts, which my friends had never really done; and eventually people started asking if I was okay and if I wanted to talk about anything.
Fast forward through five or six years of progression and I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore and have the freedom to explore a bunch of different options for my future in college. Oh, and I have actual hobbies, too.
I'm starting to think that comparing how they helped with my self-worth problems and general ability to function to laying the foundation for a house is a pretty damn apt metaphor.
This is amazing ! We've been working on this with my girlfriend since the begining without even knowing all the theory behind it (we're both really avoidant, but we've worked a lot on communication), and it feels really good. We both feel that we can trust eachother and tell what we think or feel. It really feels great !
how's your relationship?
I appreciate that Dr. K said he used to have anxious ambivalent attachment. Because usually anxious ambivalent is explained as "very rare" and "must have gone through horrible abuse", which make me feel like there's something wrong with me to have that attachment style.
That sounds more like insecure attachment, which is very rare. That was the last one and not covered in this video. It's basically where the most disorganized and destructive personalities stem from and yeah comes from insane abuse. Anxious-ambivalent seems closest to secure out of all of them.
Yea I’ve given up on relationships. They are not worth the trouble and heartbreak.
Edit: ah shoot I’m an emotional robot.
Heartbreak is part of life, you should enjoy your time with your partners and move on unless you really really don’t see a point in dating
Likewise. It takes multiple years to get over a relationship. Not worth it for the months a woman is willing to stick with you.
Yall need more hope. Love is worth it, re-spark your robot brains and try to love the best you can.
@@yaintracingshit512
I get what you’re saying but honestly heartbreak is avoidable pain. Not a fan of experiencing it. So I rather just avoid it entirely. Might as well say “go ahead and keep setting your hand on fire this time it won’t.” It comes across as absurd.
@@nicholaslarmour8762 I'm not going through another hope-despair cycle Imao done that too many times
God forbid...i was thinking about this kind of behavior of a close friend of mine towards me...and dr k posted about this...i feel connected🙏🙏
Are you another fellow Indian? Go make this guy famous
I deeply wish you would citation dump w/ links at the bottom of the RUclips description. I am a researcher (non-psychology; Computer Science) and I want to be able to not only check what you are saying, but also find more resources through walking through the citation chains and keywords. I am curious what is your knowledge and what is the literature and I want to have access to the literature you actually are referencing.
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On the discord there is a research channel in which lots of papers were linked/cited
It doesn't seem as it is updated much anymore
@@Legochurch the discord's current linked resources are pretty useful, albeit not as updated as you mentioned. Though, to be honest, when it comes to informative videos like this or especially the "Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health" citing works referenced in the specific video in a text form is very useful, even better if hyperlinked.
Catch him on his twitch stream. A mod of his can maybe help you if you can't get his attention.
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got that “we need to talk” text earlier today, still have yet to figure out the issue but i don’t think it will be anything good. really needed this rn. thank you Dr.K
How'd it go?
@@wahabakhtar2467 waited 7 hours for any kind of response got fed up with waiting and just told her i’m done with this kinda stuff. got that text while i was at work and felt too physically ill and stuck in my head to even focus so i headed home early. we’re taking a break.
@@artickulate So sorry bro, but hopefully it is for the better, at least for you. Been there, tough spot but you'll manage.
for most of my life i felt a lack of "intrinsic motivation" of others to get in contact with me, which leads to being kind of overly needy (i guess) and therefore makes it even harder to find out how to get good friends etc. without messing it up, and it still makes me very unsure about whether or not i should seek contact with others or not since i do not want to push them away by seeming too needy. i know many lose friends just by lack of contact of both sides, but i feel like this is a very important factor in it, at least for me: not just wanting to be together with people but also to feel like they would have wanted to hang out with you out of their own will. so it is also very much about being validated...
I understand how you feel, especially about wanting to feel like people want to actually be in contact with you. Being responsible for your emotional needs will be a huge factor in people not backing away from your neediness: they can sense it even if you try to mask it (in my experience haha) 😂. Having a coach or therapist is a great place to be needy and vulnerable and work through it so that your other relationships can come from a place of health and groundedness. That being said, a lot of people suck, and they'll still be crap friends even if you're approaching the relationships well
Hey Dr K. ,
Thank you for posting this video, I've recently gone through the worst break-up, due to me opening a discussion with my s/o.
Which caused into heartbreak, to a point where my mind made me physically ill.
I've vomited for 2 weeks straight, and have had a small depressive period (Which I think I am out now :)! after 1,5 months.)
She said that I was making to big of a deal of it. Even though you haven't mentioned it properly, it's within the details, You should find someone that really wants to listen to your feelings.
Whilst this video was too late for me to fix my relationship, I think it's in time for me to better myself in future relationships and prevent this.
The advice you've given has helped me a great deal and I am proper thankful for that.
You're doing God's work!
Thank you for everything
I'm pretty certain my gf has experienced this, she never walks to talk about it though. She can send mixed signals and I know she said growing up her mum was harsh on her (still is strict parent). She's told me before she lives in a no sympathy household lol. It's why I was left confused when whenever somethings wrong with her I want to help any way I can, but once I had a migraine and she just told me to sort myself out (it's hard to get out of bed with a migraine usually makes it worse). Pretty certain she's learnt all this off her mum but no idea how I would dare talk about it lmao.
I don't really know how to do it too. My take on it would be to talk to her seriously, tell her how you feel about it with how she treats you. She may be shutting her feelings or learnt behaviours out but she can't do the same with yours. But you may need to be honest with yourself. To be sincere that is not that easy and to help her you may need to ask her for help.
I remember having this involuntary response to being asked if I'm okay. "Yes I'm okay".
I used to be a goalkeeper and during practice, my own teammate tackled me with his stretched leg into my shin, THROUGH my protectors and I couldn't walk for weeks. But when it happened and my team gathered around me to check on me all I could say was "I'm okay" through my tears lmao. I never understood it.
I think this is one of the most important topics in mental health care. I'm 20 years old and had an uncommon childhood where I got to live at many different places because my parents had personal problems. Now I'm starting to lose everyone around me because from their perspective I seem distant and cold because I get confused when people start to make an emotional bond with me. Then when they start to put more distance between me and them I become more comfortable and pull them back. But then I get more confused because it seems I have already hurt them somehow. This was especially painful with my first real crush who seemed to also have been interested in me but when things became intimate I literally feel and become like a robot because the infinite confusion in my head makes me emotionally exhausted. This video made me aware of this behavior in me and I'm VERY grateful for Dr. K for explaining this. Being aware of this makes it much easier to work on myself. Thanks for everything you do Dr. K
29:00 parents 29:50
30:15 the ppl U choose to surround yourself w
31:10 your fate is not set in stone.
31:25 can your ppl help u?
31:45 what to do when ur anxious ambivalent/anxious avoidant 32:25 literal communication 33:25 2 & 2, its ok
34:00 giving them the opportunity to support u
emotional mirroring, not correction
share ur half baked thoughts
34:50 accepting, acknowledging your own emotional needs, as much as u can
not stupid for how u feel ! its ok to have emotional needs u/others dont understand
no behaviour really needs to be changed, its
the awareness,
acknowledgement of emotional needs,
+ sharing those emotional needs w/ other ppl! (share that, they hear u, mirror it back)
39:40
I've just entered into a new relationship, and the exact problems described in this video have been creating issues in my relationship.
I'm most certainly Anxious Ambivalent, and understanding that, as well as that it isn't really my fault this is how I am has been life changing.
Me and my girlfriend are exploring this area, and having a better understanding of where it comes from has helped immensely.
I appreciate Dr. K so much, thank you man.
I feel like I can relate a lot with the anxious avoidant. My dad honestly never showed emotions to me, and my mom would pretty much just get mad when I would cry, she would also make me feel guilty any time I had any problem/issue that I just wanted her help with. Im about to be 22 and I have a REALLY difficult time with all of my relationships, I really do crave love but I also fear it and hate when people are too close to me, and I’ve always tried to be independent. It would be cool if you could do a video SPECIFICALLY on anxious avoidant, bc tbh I feel like I need more advice to change/ break free of this attachment style
As a 49 year old woman, last year, during a DBT session I realized that I am anxious ambivalent. I couldn't figure out how other people dealt with things so much better than I could, I thought they were hiding how they were really feeling and I wasn't able to hide it. I am not emotionally stable sometimes and have to work daily on calming myself down because as a child I wasn't soothed by my mother and I had to try to do it myself. And my mother wasn't either as a child so...it is a cycle. I have tried to be a better parent and I hope they can do better than me. Trying to explain this to people you have relationships with is not easy.
Dr K: *covers Anxious-Avoidant and accurately describing me being an emotional robot*
Me: Yes Hi 911, this man is attacking me.
I dunno I don’t even get to get close to people anymore.
It might be because I forgot how during the pandemic, or I’m just trying to learn how to make friends/significant others outside of my job now (just finished school so I’m not meeting many people like that anymore).
getting close takes a lot of time, usually. Unless you meet someone who is also willing to do it fast with you, most of the times you have to be aquinted to people for months/ years to finally enter that stage of 'one of my best friends'. Its not your fault, just how it works. If you want a close friend, keep looking until you either find a special person or someone who is okay with being slow friends.
Your videos are making so much sense out of my life. I'm so emotionally and socially stunted because of my Asian parent upbringing and these videos are really teaching me to be human.
This was the single most helpful thing I've ever seen for understanding my own alexithymia. I've been wondering why I only noticed this stuff now as I'm 27 through 30, but that's when I was most emotionally intimate with my wife.
I try to give advice to younger people online that remind me of me (Same attachment style, pretty sure) and it's hard, because all I can REALLY say about myself is that I met someone who I felt I can communicate with. It was basically totally weird, random chance that we met online, so it's not really replicatable. But what you're saying here gives me some real insight... I finally surrounded myself with someone I can give a half-baked thought to. I've astounded therapists that I'm so open as a man, but really... I give all credit to her. (Not all, but at least the key that let me open my lock)
I got into a relationship about a month ago and I've been experiencing a lot of the internal turmoil associated with the anxious avoidant type. This video helped a lot. Thanks!
Because they're mocked and derided for showing emotion, often even by their own partners.
Because their worth in a relationship is often seen as directly proportionate to their net worth.
Because most men do not have the option to instantly find another partner.
Holy Crap. Nailed it in 3.
For evolutionary reasons, women are more attracted to emotionless men, and therefore, less attracted to emotional men. Hence when a man shows their emotions in a relationship that's usually the beginning of the end. All sexual tension, gone. And when sexual attraction is gone the train goes off the rails. So men are stuck between a rock and a hard place, push aside their humanity and ignore their emotions and be an unfeeling robot, or ruin any relationship you come across.
@@omnissiah7247 The idea that emotionally strong = emotionally dead/unavailable comes from socialization.
@@omnissiah7247 yeah this isn't my experience. Idk about this one
@@JenkemSuperfan thank you
This really popped up in a time of need. Helps a lot to understand myself better. Hopefully from now on i'll be able to nurture a happy and healthy relationship.
Thank you so much. I got chills several times when I recognized myself in what you said. I will try acknowledging and communicating my half baked emotions.
"This is the spawn point, and your starting gear, but the further you go into the game you have a choice how you play"
Thanks Dr. K! As a kid I was anxious-ambivalent, and now as an adult I'm more anxious-avoidant. Until I heard that attachment styles evolve, I thought I was weird or wrong with my understanding of attachment.
dude you have just changed my life thank you so much, so eye opening and the solution is so simple yet i never thought of it. it makes so much sense and im gonna try and communicate one day at a time and hopefully move into a secure attachment style in the future. also maybe introduce my partner to attachment theory and we can meet each other where we're at
Thank you Dr K for all have you've done
I'm so glad I stumbled on this channel. Thank you Dr. K.
I’ve been kind of burned sharing my inner turmoil with someone else. It was just inappropriate to dump all my issues onto this person through no fault of their own, and it caused us to drift apart.
Gotta spread the load across a bunch of friends/social support. If you're struggling to cope with your issues, one other person can't be expected to shoulder em. Message yer bois on discord, and ask if you can open up about some stuff :)
Ur literally saving my life with these videos. I am so lost and need this guidance because growing up with a bipolar drug addict mother has fucked me up beyond words. I actually went catatonic last week when my mom blew me off to go grocery shopping for christmas dinner to instead go 'party' and didnt return my calls for 2 days. I genuinely wish she wouldnt have had me and got an abortion. It is painful just existing alot of the time and it isn't fair how affected ive become from her emotional neglect and abuse and what that can actually do to a persons mentality and self worth. Because i straight up have none.
Hey, wanted to say, I know how you're feeling and it sucks. Just remember you do have worth, and deserve to be loved, no matter how your family treats you ❤🩹
Hope you feel better, mate!
@@orbis17 thank u so much for reaching out. I am doing much better now! As well as my mom has gotten some help now ty!
Just found your channel today. One of the greatest thing I’ve ever come across. You explain psychology and science in such a articulate way. I’m going to binge watch your channel 😊
Tl;dr: Would LOVE to see insecure attachment style covered as well.
Damn. Love this one. Would love to see the one where the person's actually clingy.
Idk. I think I see myself as clingy (which mostly manifests when I've already "adopted" sb as a to-go person), even tho my regular go-to reaction to an emotional situation is just go off and sort this shit out on my own. I deff find it super hard to reach out to ppl when my opinion on the matter is still in turmoil/molding. It'd just give 'em a chance to hurt me when I can least afford to be hurt (thanks mom). Plus, I'm likely to think of myself as a burden in that case, like all they wanna do is just get rid of me, and that they'll just wanna see less of me overall. Which... can't really focus on me when I'm busy managing them, hence I just prefer dealing with shit on my own. Which does sound somewhat close to the types presented here, except for the clingy part, hence why I'm interested in it. Coz it does feel like ambivalent layered on top of anxious XD if I'm getting the read right.
PS: Okay, I did a quiz and I'm apparently disorganized, which is in this video called insecure. Great! Always lovely to be the mostest fucked-up snowflake, yaaay XD
is it weird to say dr k has really nice hair
Growing up, I was neurodivergent, and all my friends were too. I had emotional needs, and due to their specific neurodivergences they couldn’t meet them, or even see them. At home, my needs were seen as “too much” and were treated as shocking, it felt like. I would feel like I was saying one thing, and everyone else was repeating back an reasonable strawman back at me.
In my case, it feels like my emotional needs were not so much rebuffed, as mishandled or misunderstood. Even now. I’ll be open about something when I can manage it. But then I inevitably hear either a clueless joke, or something canned like “you’re valid” from my autistic friend-who can’t do much better than that-and I want to start tearing through drywall.
I don’t necessarily feel it’s “stupid,” to have these needs. But it feels very selfish and cruel and unfair. Especially for the amount of resentment and contempt I feel when they continually aren’t met. (I suppose it starts out as alienation or betrayal or exasperation, but it gets sublimated into a very ferocious resentment that I keep inside and never let out in their presence. I know they don’t deserve that.)
It’s unreasonable for me to expect they pick up on things they apparently can’t pick up on. And lately, I just don’t have the strength to let them in very far anymore. I let them depend on me, but I don’t give them anything of me anymore. I just don’t have the strength to be so critically misunderstood, time and again.
I think I have one of these two attachment styles. Unsure which. Hopefully, whatever variation of it I have, someone else finds it relateable. Idk.
Man i love this channel, so much to learn!!
"it's okay for you to have emotional needs that other people don't understand" that's SO powerful
As an anxious avoidant how do I fix myself if I don’t have an inner circle of friends? I don’t have a great relationship with my mom in terms of emotional and find it hard to even talk to her in general. There’s never been a father figure in my life and my mom was never really home and was always at work leaving me alone every day during my upbringing. I’m nearly 30 and have no idea how to bring myself out of this hole. I suffer from social anxiety and I find it very difficult to open up to others, and the thought of approaching someone scares me to death. I do want friendships and relationships and I’m trying to figure out what’s really going on. I have no one to talk to as I have always tried to figure things out on my own. Much love Dr. K, I enjoyed today’s upload.
You might wanna ask this on the Reddit... He might actually end up answering in a live stream if you are lucky
a self-help group in your location might be a first step if something like that exists
This video helped me so much, thank you Dr. K. I pre-ordered your guide the day it came out and I am looking forward to go this journey
You said if the parent - child relationship was abusive, then it leads to a different attachment style...
I need to know more about that one, please.
Im crying. I knew what anxious ambivalent was, but K’s explenation of it reallymade me understand myself
Why have my psychologists never been this good?
They are too old and aren't skilled in the ability to bring complex ideas to the level of the average person.
Well, Dr. K knows at least three perspectives for problems - therapy, coaching and spirituality, and he can choose mixed approach according to the problem.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video Dr. K!
Things have become a lot clearer! To the point that I cried during the video from the relief that I felt
sometimes it's about going into a relationship thinking about what you have to offer the other party rather than what they have to offer you...
This put so many of my problems into words. Thank you. This will help me to understand my situation better.
You know, I was gonna type up an angry comment about how my usual experience with every single relationship besides like 2 friends and my mother is doing my best to be emotionally open and available and getting nothing but hurt, dishonesty or ignorance for it. I've given up on finding a partner because of that.
But I'll refrain from the angry comment because if nothing else, at least I learned that apparently being emotionally repressed is the status quo for men. Interesting to know I was a minority until I started shutting off in my mid-20s.
I wish this was there when I had my previous relationship. Because despite me knowing there are different love languages, this is completely other level and helps to understand relationships in general, not only romantic ones.
I was post partum and I was emotional. My mom told me to stop crying or she’ll leave. A snap shot into my whole life. Hence I’m avoidant
Very interesting to hear this out loud. It's something I've known about myself for a long time but to actually hear it articulated by someone else with an analytical view touches me in a different way. Thanks Dr K for putting this out there.
Mary Ainsworth designed the strange situation experiment - john bowlby founded attachment theory
Thanks for the clarification!
@@alokkanojia9239 no problem :) I would also say insecure attachment usually refers to any of the non secure styles, and what you called insecure is usually called disorganised - kind of a catchall for kids that don't fit the other two insecure categories or are a mix. I appreciate the work you do!
@@alokkanojia9239 it's Dr.k's main POG
After we communicate our emotional needs, do I just sit with my emotional needs after? I think I am confused with the sitting part of it if that makes sense.. Great video as always Dr.K!
Sitting with the emotion is like learning to tolerant an itch. It's about sitting there with the uncomfortable, icky feelings instead of squirming away with distraction or self-judgement :)
Eventually the stabbing pain becomes an ache, becomes a throb, becomes an itch. THAT is the goal of "dealing with your emotions"; not getting rid of them, but giving them a seat at the table ~
This is such a wonderful, incredible video. I don’t have words for it. So important, so hard to convey correctly. This is in my opinion the best work of dr.K. So far. It gives me more insight every time I listen to it again. It’s a hard, subtle, complicated topic, but this is it. This is the root of my issue. A path towards healing seems to be revealing itself to me. Infinite gratitude to dr.K. ❤️ I hope whoever reads this has love coming for them and is ready to take it in. 💗
Kinda sad when I realize that I became a avoidant attachment individual....my parents neglected me and when I struggled with things, when I tried communicating, I was misunderstood and punished.
I still struggle to forgive my parents for the lack of love, guidance and support....
i love how most of the times, twitch chat is trolling and joking and there's that 1 percent of people who is typing about their issues
I genuinely dont know how useful the current streams/content is. If you've been following from the start a lot of the themes just repeat over and over and most of the streamers arent even relatable or just avoid talking about the real things that can negatively affect their PR image...
@@fabled. it is useful, its a big help, its like you're in a cave and you see a ray of light that helps you figure out what you do next.
@@harshitjain2719 I know but lately it feels like a ted talk... you're really pumped and ready to change your life but not really doing anything and waiting for your favorite streamer to come on like its some kind of a show, hence all the meme spam in chat.
Main reason I'm here along with the great lectures loool
I used to be very avoidant and still am but it's getting better. Talking about my feelings is scary but I remember many times feeling instantly better after talking a little bit. I took a similar approach and told my boyfriend the things I was upset about and that I knew that it didn't make any sense. I felt better immediately after and he understands me. Communication is the key
If you haven’t yet, I think you’d enjoy watching some of mizkifs newest QnA video. Idk if it would be good stream content, but I think you’d be proud of where he’s at compared to where he was.
I think it would be cool to educate people on how some feel like their 'lives are predetermined' when in a relationship at a younger age (18-30...), which results in someone with those thoughts cheating; Or I guess a more simplified version of this could be, "the mind of a cheater."
Honestly, i don't want a relationship, I just want the chance of getting dates and at least search for someone compatible. I'm okay with being single but what hurts is getting 0 dates and 0 matches everywhere, no woman has ever shown me any sign of interest and approached me, this hurts and I think this is what most single guys on this channel struggle with. It makes you feel so unattractive. Single life is not bad after all but being unwanted and never date - even causally - HURTS no matter what.
Honestly any man not in the top 20 percent of desirable men should forget online dating and anyone in the bottom fifty would do well to give up dating entirely. There’s a threshold below which it is simply not worth the effort.
@@Trynottoblink okay incel, people are here trying to heal not get worse.
@@Trynottoblink I wish I was gay, I get as many likes, matches and cute messages as average women when I switch my preference to "men" on dating apps. I don't know what to do.
@@CazzoneMagrolino Online dating isn't for everyone bro. Maybe you could try and find other social circles where you could meet new people. Besides that you can always work on yourself man, learn to be more social through trial and error, hit the gym, lose some weight, take care of yourself, get a nice haircut, take care of your hygiene. there really is a lot of stuff you could do to make yourself more attractive even though it might take a while, till then you gotta focus on you, those dates will come good sir.
A lot of the time you can be missing signals irl or presenting yourself inauthentically online
Either way
Don't beat yourself up
The hard part for me, who definitely falls into the anxious avoidant camp, is if my partner needs me to tell them how to act around me, I'm afraid I won't be able to accept it, specifically thanks to "they're only doing it because I told them to."
I don't know how to get past this
I feel like a baby bringing my prescriptions to my partner because I feel if they don't demonstrate these actions being intuitively understood as 'important,' then them doing it in the future could be written off as manufactured. I'm basically telling them "hey I know you don't feel this intuitively, but this is how to emotionally validate me." And I don't want to give people such an easy way to manipulate me. If it comes naturally to them I feel they're less likely to use it against me I guess.
I still don't know how to get over it though
I'm a bit confused because I can see within myself aspects of both of the ambivalent types. I can greatly relate to both characteristics within my own life as if sometimes I react like one and sometimes the other. I hold people at this arm's length, but if someone does happen to be close to me I often react like the last one where I don't tell people how something really made me feel e.g. I ask to do something on a saturday night with the boys and they go out with the gf or something. Even though they have every right to do that and I feel stupid for getting mad at that sometimes it does really bum me out even if we have hung out throughout the week. Someone HALP
Well first off you gotta stop judging yourself man! Don't feel ashamed to be you! Your feelings are valid and you have all the reason to feel this way. You have to acknowledge these feelings and maybe you can talk to your friends about this? Like hey, I know you have your girlfriends and all but I would really like to hangout in the weekend with you. And I get you man, when I am in a bad mindstate I am pretty dependant on my friends cause if we couldn't chill that would mean I am just bored in the house doing nothing which would make me only more depressed. You might feel left out because they pick their girlfriends over you or you have the feeling they don't want to hang around as much anymore. Either way the only way to fix this problem is to acknowledge these feelings and talk about it. Even if you don't feel like you can talk to your friends, just try and at least let someone in on how you are feeling, even if you don't share everything.
It's not brought up in this video, but what I've heard multiple times from other experts in the field was that it's very common for a person to have a mix of attachment styles and not just one clearly defined style in all of their relationships. (I don't have a corroborating link at hand, but a cursory search on this topic would probably back this up.)
@@nordveien humans are like that sometimes
I'm a woman and growing up my mother was very consoling, sometimes too much so, and my step dad constantly called me a crybaby or other things like that when I was crying or scared. One time when me and my sister were helping him pull up the T posts from the yard I had to stick my hand in an ant pile and I didn't want to. He told me to stick them in and wrap the chain around it quick. I did and then the second it was done I ran inside balling my eyes out because I was getting bit by tons of ants. I'm still super emotional. I cry when someone asks something of me because I feel ok some way I've failed them to make them want something from me. Plus a lot of other reasons. I always feel like a crybaby and I always feel stupid for it. I'm glad you said that this CAN but doesn't often happen to women because my step dad would say all the time we're being raised like boys since none of us were boys.
Watching this trying to understand someone who betrayed me.
I would love dr. K's analysis of betrayal trauma or PISD
That's kind of explains why I didn't cry on my mother's funeral when I was 13.
And everybody around was like "Wow, kid, what is wrong with you? Why you are not crying? Why you are not upset? Are you sure, you are holding up okay?"
And sort of explains why I didn't have a girlfriend, despite that fact, that 2 women in my life was actualy offered me to meet. I just avoided them
I laughed so hard when I saw the thumbnail 😂
Strange situation and styles of attachments were done by Mary Ainsworth. John Bowlby did work on attachment though, he came up with the stages of attachment.
I just wanted to say I really appreciate the work you're doing and how you've made this accessible thru RUclips. A lot of what you have said in this video and many others has genuinely helped me understand certain things about my behavior and that of my partners and I just wanted to thank you for your insight and the work that you do.
Hey there Dr. K,
this was the first time I`ve ever heard of this part of psychology.
I watched a few videos of you as I have had (self-diagnosed) depression and have been interested in psychology since then.
Watching your 2 hours talk with LS touched me a lot and actually reminded me of how I communicate with my 2 best friends ever since they knew of my depression.
Now, I know for a fact that I am the anxious avoidant type, since I`ve met someone I think I love but I don`t feel heavy emotions which has been like that since I started retracting from the friend group I had in school.
I still have problems trying to tell her about some problems I`m facing, either because I don`t know myself that I have a problem until it becomes very obvious, or because I don`t want to put that on them since there won`t be coming anything from the conversation.
I want to thank you a lot for the content you`re making since I would`ve NEVER figured this stuff out on my own, or even read about it as I don`t have quite enough interest in my personal problems to care enough to do some research about them.
You`re helping a lot of people out there just like me and I want you to know that.
I look up to you as one who can not just help people with psychological problems, but also live from helping them understand themselves better.
By now I see you as someone who I can listen to for relaxation purposes, no matter the topic.
Big thanks from some random 18 y.o.
Hope it'll cover the struggle to get INTO a relationship.
I've been struggling to find a girl who is interested in me. So far the vast majority of girls I'm interested in do not return the affection.
How does one find someone who does reciprocate?
The incel interviews might give you a clue, they can be a bit of extreme examples, but they are useful ones.
If one women rejects you, well... thats ok.
If two women rejects you, well... tough luck.
if three or more women rejects you, then the "problem" is YOU.
Check what is going on,
Are you socially awkard?
Are you phisically fit?
Are you interesting when you talk to someone?
First take care of you first, just for you, not for someone, then the relationship will come.
@@carlosjosejimenezbermudez9255 Kinda want you to explain exactly what "incel" interviews you're talking about. Because anybody talking about the current state of relationships for men is not being incels but showing not just men but women the reality and standards it requires for men to get into relationships it's just facts.
Are you better than the state, if not youre not good enough.
@@AnotherFancyUser maybe he's just picking bad broads...
Dam. That video might only have 14k views but it means a lot to some of us. This makes so much sense and explain in clear terms a lot of what I'm doing, including me being very "independent" and trying not to need anyone even through that's all I want...
what relationships
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
nice one !
I've always felt like I shouldn't express these feelings to friends or partners and thought they wouldn't care or they shouldn't have to care. But reading all these comments after watching the video, I want to try and start again.
Maybe people have treated me this way before but the more I think about it the more it doesn't seem right. I'm just not sure what to do if people ignore my feelings again