AITA for REFUSING to tell my family which of my baby girls I adopted? Dusty Thunder Reacts!
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- Опубликовано: 11 июн 2024
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Aita for REFUSING to tell my family which of my baby girls I adopted?
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The only reason why they would care which one was the “real” granddaughter is so they can show favoritism. This family needs to remove their heads from their asses and realize that every child should be shown the same amount of love and care.
The other danger of OP telling the family which is which is that the family could tell the kids before OP gets a chance to.
Her family has her convinced she can't do it, but she can.
Agreed, having both babies need her at the same time is not as big of a deal as she's telling herself it is (take care of one, then the other). She's just questioning herself because she's still adjusting, and her family are saying that she can't do it without them. It's definitely going to be hard, but I believe in her, especially with Anna helping.
I agree. I raised a toddler and twins by myself! She 100% can do it.
If a grandparents are needed my husband and I volunteer as tribute
Good on op! Sounds like they want to shower the ‘real’ granddaughter with gifts and love and ignore the adopted child. As op said they are both her daughters so needs to be treated as such
I wouldn't tell them. By their words and actions, they clearly would treat them differently.
If you wait for the "right time" to tell Lilly that she's adopted, it may never happen. Then Lilly may find out from someone else or be resentful about not being told. I mean wait until she's old enough to understand what you're saying, of course, but don't wait until she's a teen or young adult. You're amazing for adopting Lilly!
As a child that was adopted I have never felt like nothing else than a real daughter. That is ridiculous. Birth does not make you a parent. Love does.
It's so sad that ops family is full of such awful people! Op is the MVP!
It's tough establishing a new support network, but I am so proud of OP for doing so! She set a very reasonable boundary here, and her family's insistance on knowing which child is adopted, and villifying OP for not telling them just really drives home that their intentions here are not good. Better that they're not involved at all at this point, because they'll cause problems later on by either deliberately or unintentionally favouring OP's biological child. I really love that OP and Anna are there for one another right now.
OP is a hero
This. What love and courage ❤❤❤❤
This is just weird. Nobody "needs" to show favoritism, but the family certainly thinks it's a necessity. This family would make for a fascinating case study.
It's it's sad that it is very predictable that this young girl will find out eventually she's adopted and probably in an awful way. Probably because of a family member or some of their family are going to come around maybe and she might be put in a position where they've done exactly that they've done a DNA test or the grandmother of the mother or whoever has gotten it through the long game
OH HELL NO, NTA! OP, the MOMENT your family learns which of your daughters is your "real" daughter, the favoritism games will begin with Rose getting all the attention and better gifts and Lily being left out in the cold. Yes, raising them as virtual twins is going to be hard, but it's better than the future your grandmother and parents have planned for them.
OP, if the father's haven't reached out during the pregnancies or since birth, neither of them intend to step up. Don't count on their help. And truthfully, you could only go to court asking for child support for your bio-daughter and that would tell everyone which child is adopted (court records ar public records). If Lily's father's name is not on her birth certificate, I don't believe he would need to sign off on the adoption, but admittedly I could be wrong. As for telling Lily she's adopted down the road, once you tell her, she's going to tell others, including your family. But you NEED to get the legal situation with Lily squared away sooner rather than later. Good luck.
I have a very religious family and they are guilty of favoritism. One of my relatives claims that she has 5 grandchildren but several relatives got in her face and corrected her - no, you only have 2 grandchildren the others are not yours! I saw her crying and she told me what they did. So it does not matter if they are religious or not, they can still be mean and small about it. I can see OP's relatives doing a DNA test without her knowledge or permission.
With the issues with the family, they will tell both girls if OP doesn't. No contact with family sucks, but that my be the only way to protect your babies. These people are horribly selfish if they can't just love the girls without knowing which is which.
Total speculation here (as it all is), but I’m guessing that part of the reason the family wants to know who is the biological one is because they think they see the writing on the wall that the best friend is going to want her daughter back eventually since the adoption isn’t official and she is hanging around the baby all the time. Doesn’t mean it’s right, but I imagine there might be a fight for custody in the future.
The audacity of the grandmother to demand information that is none of her business is intolerable. OP should have told her she's a grandmother to the twins, or not a grandmother at all: her choice. Which daughter is the adopted daughter, or that there even IS an adopted daughter, is none of anyone's business other than the two bio mothers involved in this sweet, beautiful, difficult decision they made together as best friends and for the grandmother to incite other family members to go along with her invasive, interfering, insulting, arrogant, condescending demands is ludicrous. If I was OP, I'd have zero contact with anyone and everyone who invaded my privacy within hours of giving birth and on the 'twins' birthday(s). How dare they assume they have any rights in being told anything at all concerning this very private and special matter. That a woman of grandmother-age feels this entitled and sees nothing wrong with making outrageous demands of OP just hours after giving birth is insolent, rude, insensitive, obtrusive and unacceptable. Prohibiting her and anyone else who is joining their voice with hers concerning this matter from seeing the twins at all for several months might wake them up concerning how intolerable their presumptuous and unreasonably absurd behavior is to a first-time mother, especially just hours after giving birth. The grandmother sounds like a person who chronically puts her nose where it doesn't belong, but being a grandmother doesn't give one carte blanche to act the fool wherever and whenever she wants without consequences. That OP was quite clear in that both are her daughters no matter what grandmother thinks, feels, wants to know should have been more than enough 'clue' for grandmother to understand her line of questioning was crossing more than one line and to shut the hell up about it. That OP was kind in her responses was more than I would have been: once and done for me. Grandmother wouldn't have had a second opportunity to ask her meddling question, nor had time to rally the family members on her side. She would have been told once they are twins, they are my daughters, and to butt out or I can help her butt out for a very long time. I don't think that woman will let things go, however: she is already on a mission to find out what she wants to know and I wouldn't doubt if she makes phone calls, pretends to be someone she's not, takes DNA from the twins and has it tested on her own secretly: the woman thinks nothing of being invasive to get what she wants, so I hope OP sets boundaries that should grandmother cross a single line she shouldn't, she'll be banned from seeing the children completely. There is only 1 reason grandmother wants to know who the 'real' grandchild is and that reason is twisted.
Yes I agree with some others! I think the besties should raise them together! I think they should both adopt the other, and the two twins just have two mommies!! 🩷
The family is going to regret this, because it sounds like OP is getting the support she needs and is not going to need them. She would do best to cut the family off for now.
In a few months they will come crawling back and apologize. However Dusty is right they will try and sneak a DNA test and start to treat them different.
Op needs to let them know if that happens they will lose all contact and they will never interact with them again.
I seriously LOVE OP!!! ❤
Anyone else hope her and Anna co parent sitcom style in a big house???
NTA at all. Things will change if you tell them. Good for you.
The only reason people do this is to favor "blood" family. This has happened in my family before with a step father treating his oldest (adopted) like crap, and his bio kids better. Don't tell them OP. Don't tell them. They don't need to know.
OP is NTA, but before going all in on raising them as twins, and OP adopting Lily, there may be legal issues with the father. Just because Anna says the father noped out, doesn't mean that's how things actually are. Or that he will feel the same in the future. And it's problematic that Anna is changing her tune in regards to how her child should be raised. It would be in OP's best interests - legal, financial, emotional; as well as Rose. It would be horrible to think you had a sister for the 1st few (or more) years of your life; just to find out she never was legally, and gets taken away by her bio mom or dad.
As far as raising them as twins - I assume they have their actual birthdays, on their birth certificates. This will come into play, well actually from birth, as far as medical records are concerned. Any time I see a doctor, get lab work, fill/pick up a prescription, "Date of birth?" is the 2nd question, after name. It is a data point on so many forms and files from photo ID needed to drive (or fly in the US) to if you're old enough to enter a website for a tasty adult beverage.
I think the friends should raise them together
It sounds like maybe they should raise the girls together.
a lot of the comments are saying this is a fake story…which makes sense because what 20 year old single mom is going to adopt another persons kid?
Sounds like these babies have 2 good mammas. Why should anyone care whose child is whose.
Should just told the busybodies that you've gotten the babies mixed up a few times so you just don't know....
Nta.
💚
That family is terrible
Stick to your guns OP your doing the right thing
Why should it matter, that is so aad 😢
I was adopted by my step-dad at 2. I was always told I was adopted. That my dad CHOSE me and was STUCK with my twin brothers. Lol that was funny and worked until my 1 brother got older and weaponized the fact I was adopted the rest of my life (to currently I'm 43 and he 40). I will say this even though he was/is a toxic ass I am still glad that I always knew and didn't have a shock later in life.
NTA. Why encourage favoritism? Her family sucks.
16 year old children have zero right to be babysitting any other child overnight. Shame on the parents for even considering that. However, people saying he should have spoken to the mother before speaking to the babysitter: absolutely not! He is that child's father and has zero obligation to consult the mother in a parenting decision. Hes not overreacting. If the teenager can't wake up to tend to a crying child through the night, which is what she was hired to do, then, she shouldn't be babysitting.