It might not be impossible to climb out of poverty but it's hard for me not to envy those who get support from their families and have so much more ease in life than growing up in generational poverty, with mentally ill and drug addict/incarcerated parents. When you don't have the resources to get the trainings you might need or the energy and time because of the chronic stress of desperation. It's not impossible but it's way harder to accomplish than those who have support and resources.
exactly the same. I wouln't say I envy things in general but this is the only one - not the money but being born into it so that any choice you do doesn't stress you. You are fine to never work in your life and do whatever because you will always be financially stable, whereas a normal person is very dependent and mentally drained by getting good grades - ending up in a good uni -getting a scholarship - getting a good job - having a great performance because you depend on them to have that basic level of stability
I know people who become more insightful and clever by living in these conditions, and also maby they have more finantial family stability but perhaps their family is abusive or they arent as tall or beautiful as you, no one has everything, some weaknesses become strenghts, and some opportunities as this one can become a weakness, maby this kind of people dont learn to fight and be a bit mean to get that richness and maby you do a bussiness and end up with more... they will feel even worse by knowing they had the opportunities and even with that ended up worse, or didnt used them in their favor, i am talking like these because i consider i have lost many opportunities.
@@rebecaguemes3354thank you for stating cuz I've found this to be true too. I've always been told that I'm wiser than my age, sometimes I do mourn the childhood and youth I could have (I'm still in my early 20s) but living that environment did make me both street smart and insightful. Yes the consequences of it is spending conspicuous amt of money in therapy (which are unaffordable) but these experiences have helped me appreciate life so much more than people of my age.
I'm constantly comparing myself and making myself feel inferior, it's the most life-sucking thing you can do to yourself and it's hard to stop doing it
one tipp i got for that (so far have hardly consciously implemented it, but it seems plausible to me that it should work) is to simply always notice it whenever it happens, attribute it to the ego as a part of your psyche, and thereby (the following is my own understanding of how this actually works:) simply make it not be a "you"-thing but a "my ego" is trying to mess with me, again-thing, so your ego will be shrinking cause you will consciously and repeatedly see it as nothing but a factor in you, instead as what you yourself do or should think.
I think I'm envious of people who have had a safe, secure upbringing. I want that so badly, or wish I had it, but as I'm no longer a child, I can never have it. Maybe that's why some people start a family? To create what they could not have.
That was my first thought when Ana asked what are you envious of? I'm envious of people who had a supportive family whose feelings got validated. Those who navigate the world feeling secure becaue they had parents to support them while they learned to fail. I feel like i'm behind in life because of the neglect I endured as a child. My mental health suffered because of it. I feel like those who start their life with the gift of healthy attachment and security are for sure going to achieve more fulfiling life. Not to say it's not possible for those who didn't have that, but I guess we start adult life at a disadvantage. It takes longer to achieve the same level of "success".
It's understandable to feel envious of those who have had a safe and secure upbringing, especially if you haven't had the same experience. Childhood experiences can have a significant impact on our lives and shape our desires and aspirations. The longing for a safe and nurturing upbringing is a valid and natural response. Starting a family can indeed be a way for some individuals to create the safe and secure environment they may not have had themselves. It offers the opportunity to provide their children with the loving and supportive upbringing they may have longed for. However, it's important to note that starting a family is a personal decision and there are various reasons why people choose to become parents. While your past may have influenced your desires, it's essential to remember that even as an adult, you can still create nurturing and secure relationships and environments for yourself. Building a support network of friends, seeking therapy or counseling, practicing self-care, and surrounding yourself with positive influences can all contribute to creating a sense of safety and security in your life. It's also essential to remember that everyone's journey is unique, and comparing ourselves to others can sometimes be detrimental. Instead of focusing on what you may not have had, consider focusing on what you can do now to cultivate a fulfilling and secure life for yourself.
I feel envy towards people who have parents who support them and want to be a part of their lives. My parents might as well be dead, and it's saddening.
This came at such a perfect time. I’d love to hear more about envy in friendships. I struggled a lot with a particular friendship, because it felt like envy was a big source of frustration; there was an air of competition and resentment from her even after I approached her about it and admitted I was part of the problem. I eventually had to distance myself because I didn’t want to be apart of that anymore. It’s interesting how it can be the strongest when it’s someone close to you.
Same! As I’m growing older, I am also struggling with envy of the people closest to me in my life, to which I’ve had to distance myself, so I don’t hurt them or feel that way towards them. I’ve been trying to work on this issue as to never project that feeling onto that person because it’s my own lack of confidence. I am still going to work hard for myself as to not put that onto others as well!
That's not too surprising, all in all. Strong emotions usually beget strong emotions. It's a pretty reasonable explanation for why the pain of a betrayal is directly proportional to how much you love(d) and/or trust(ed) the person who betrayed you. I feel it is equally reasonable to expect strong feelings of attachment to develop into equally strong feelings of envy or resentment if the circumstances are right. Still, I feel there are any number of reasons this can happen. For me, I know it definitely happens when what seemed like a healthy spirit of competition turns sickly due to circumstances outside of my control. Suddenly, the push forward you were giving each other feels like less like support and more like you're being pushed down instead. It can indeed be hard to support someone who it feels like everything is going right for, especially when you are experiencing the opposite. It's not hard for the friendly competition to turn to resentment in those cases. I think the worst of it is when no one seems to understand or have the emotional bandwidth to support you when times are roughest. For the worst parts of my life, I've heard a lot of terms like "compassion fatigue" being thrown around - which tends to only increase resentment when you stop to think about how people can be *that* tired of your problems but expect you to weather through it when you're the one actually living that life. I admit I don't practice self-compassion much, but part of the way I've learned to deal with it is to recognize when I'm feeling the opposite of "compassion fatigue": something I've coined "congratulations fatigue". Sometimes its important to recognize that you can be just as tired of others' good fortune as they can get of your bad fortune and there's nothing wrong with taking a moment to compose yourself or admit that you'd rather not talk about something if it will stress you to the extreme. It's a little odd that its not seen as acceptable to burden others with our failures, but at the same time we should always be there to share in their successes without fail. It can be inspiring, yes, but it can also be devastating to experience over and over and over again and most people I've talked to with that problem seem to cope only through living vicariously through other people. I haven't found an answer I'm satisfied yet, but I hope my musings can help somewhat.
I’m in a similar boat currently. I’ve completed my psych degree in three years and now I’m jumping into grad school in August with no experience. It’s so hard not to compare myself to other peoples accomplishments and experiences and feel like I’m under qualified. Hearing about your own experiences makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone. I’m hopeful I’ll make it through and achieve great things like you have.
I'm glad to hear that sharing my experiences has made you feel better and reassured you in some way. It's completely natural to compare ourselves to others and feel underqualified, especially when starting something new like grad school. But remember, everyone has their own unique journey and timeline. Your accomplishments and experiences, no matter how different they may be from others, are still valid and valuable. Grad school is a challenging yet rewarding experience, and I believe that you have what it takes to succeed and achieve great things. Keep a positive mindset, stay focused on your goals, and don't be afraid to ask for help or seek guidance when needed. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and there are resources and support available to you. Believe in yourself, trust your abilities, and embrace every opportunity for growth and learning. You are capable of achieving great things, just like anyone else. Best of luck in your upcoming grad school journey!
I'm envious of people who had a supportive family growing. Those who got to express their feelings and being validated. Those who navigate the world feeling secure because they had safe parents to support them while they explored. I feel like i'm behind in life because of the neglect I endured as a child. My mental health suffered because of it and I lost so many years to depression. I feel like those who start their life with the gift of healthy attachment and security are for sure going to achieve more fulfilling life. Not to say it's not possible for those who didn't have that, but I guess we start adult life at a disadvantage. It takes longer to achieve the same level of "success". We have to unlearn a lot of beliefs acquired in childhood. I know there's some worth to that, but in a society that values work accomplishment and power over anything, it's difficult not to feel less than...
I think the strength and lessons you learned from overcoming your childhood will certainly come back to help you tremendously in the future. Everyone goes through hardships and everyone suffers. Not that I would really do this math, but you never quite know how those who have lived a sheltered and "easy" life will handle the things that all eventually plague us -- death/loss of a parent, grief of varying sorts, world events. In that case, you have come yourself a tremendous favor by doing that work early. Now, you know yourself as someone who can live and work alongside the complexities of life versus always depending on "ideal conditions" to achieve anything (because those don't exist).
I am not anti-work or anti-capitalist but I do think it's valid to ask ourselves regularly whether all the hard work we put into something is really going to be worth it and make us happy even if we do achieve what we set out to do. I think the "I do not dream of labour" movement stems from many people realizing that achievement does not always equal happiness. Sometimes it's okay to simply work for the sake of making a living and find your fulfillment elsewhere.
Yeah, there's evidence that happiness is constant regardless of income (once you can afford basic necessities and healthcare). A lot of people could live a fulfilled and satisfied life in a cottage or commune, but no one talks about that
I am a very envious person because I have a chronic illness. I used to be great academically until my chronic pain got too bad over years and I can't excel studying at college as much as others. My body is physically stopping me. I can't work out as much as I'd like, I can't work, I can't study and can't maintain big circle of friends. And I have to look at other people my age (early 20s) doing everything I want to do and people around me having same expectations as if I'm healthy
That would explain why my envy went away when I worked hard to get the same things. But that begs the question. Why did envy start to bother me as it is now. It never used to be this way.
There could be several reasons why envy started bothering you now, even if it didn't bother you before. Here are a few possibilities: 1. Increased exposure: With the rise of social media and constant connectivity, we are more exposed than ever to other people's lives and achievements. This increased exposure may make it easier for envy to creep in. 2. Unrealistic comparisons: When you compare yourself to others, you may be focusing on their best moments or only the highlights of their lives. This can create a distorted perception and make you feel inadequate, leading to envy. 3. Personal insecurities: As we grow and change, our own insecurities may emerge or become more prominent. These insecurities could make you more prone to feeling envy towards others who possess qualities or achievements you desire. 4. Changing priorities or values: Over time, our priorities and values may shift, and what once seemed important may no longer hold the same significance. If your values have changed, you may find yourself envying individuals who align more closely with your new priorities. 5. External pressures: Societal expectations, cultural influences, or peer pressure can all contribute to feeling envious. If you perceive others as meeting these external expectations more effortlessly than you, it may intensify your feelings of envy. It's important to remember that envy is a natural emotion, but it's crucial to find healthy ways to manage it. Practicing gratitude, focusing on personal growth, and celebrating your own achievements can help shift your mindset and reduce the impact of envy on your well-being.
Ah, it was because it was something I thought I'd never achieve myself. All I had to do was change my thought process. If I work and put the effort in, I'll achieve it too. It's only impossible if I believe it to be
Hey! Just want to let you know I love your uploads and really appreciate all the effort you put into educating ppl about psychology. It’s one of my passions and I love the way you talk about it!
What is the underlying promise of what you envy? Body wise , I envy others because the underlying belief is that if I’m thin/strong/pretty enough, it will secure my place. I’ll be loved, wanted, safe.
The underlying promise of what I envy body-wise is the belief that achieving a certain physique - being thin, strong, or pretty - will guarantee acceptance, love, desirability, and a sense of safety.
OMG this video falled from the sky!! I was just struggling with this last couple of days and I was searching on dome information on how to feel better and THIS IS IT! Thank you so, so much 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻✨✨✨✨
I'm envious of people's effortless talent and success at things. Often in recreation, but vocationally also. I want to taste the success and victory that is so accessible to everyone else.
Do you personally or professionally KNOW a parent who is envious of their OWN BIOLOGICAL child for their beauty or brains, what do you recommend that a child/teenager of that parent to do??? Like if the parent has been envious of their child since birth through age 16 and onward. So, the parent is CONSTANTLY gaslighting, dismissing, verbally and emotionally and mentally abusing the child/teenager , sabotaging any success the teenager is working toward involving independence. If the child/teen can't leave due to limited finances, what advice do you have for the child/teenager???? Background: the parent is a single parent. The other parent is absent/estranged and in another country. School counselors have done absolutely nothing to help the teenager.
A year ago I started watching your videos for the fun of it, now I find myself watching them and studying to be a psychologist, thanks for being an inspiration, I really love your channel 🌼
Hi Ana! Thank you so much for this video. It’s definitely an essential topic that needs to be spoken about. Obviously a lot of people speak about envy and jealousy, but they talk about it from a place where they are the friend and advised to stay away from envious people. It leaves envious people in a place where they simply don’t know how to deal with it which makes it difficult to become a better person in that aspect and leads to discouragement and then becomes a whole cycle again. It’s great to speak about the perspective of the other party. That’s why I appreciate this video!! Is it okay if you can speak about how to become optimistic especially when you’re a pessimistic type of person? I think that would be a nice topic if that’s okay with you
Hi there! Thank you for your kind words and I'm glad you found the video helpful. I completely understand your point about the perspective of envious people not always being addressed, and I think it's important to have empathy towards them as well. Regarding your suggestion about becoming optimistic as a pessimistic person, I think that's a fantastic topic! Developing a more optimistic mindset can definitely be challenging, but with some strategies and practice, it's absolutely possible. I'll definitely consider creating a video on that topic in the future. Thanks again for your feedback and suggestion!
One of the nastiest parts of envy is feeling that someone else’s good is unattainable, and that leading to wishing the other person did not have what they have, since you can’t have it: “If I can’t have it nobody should.” People have burnt down neighborhoods over envy of that stripe.
Envy is considered a mindset issue because it originates from a person's thoughts and beliefs. It is a state of feeling dissatisfied or resentful when others possess what one desires. Envy often arises from comparing oneself to others and focusing on what one lacks rather than what one has. The mindset of envy is rooted in a scarcity mentality, where individuals believe that there is only a limited amount of success, happiness, or resources available. This mindset leads to feelings of insecurity and the belief that others' achievements or possessions diminish one's own worth. Envy can be detrimental to one's mental and emotional well-being. It can breed negative thoughts such as self-doubt, self-pity, and resentment. It can also impact relationships as envy often involves wanting what others have and resenting them for possessing it. Overcoming envy requires a shift in mindset. This involves acknowledging and challenging the underlying beliefs that fuel envy. It requires focusing on one's own accomplishments, strengths, and personal growth rather than comparing oneself to others. Cultivating gratitude and appreciation for what one has can also help combat the tendency to be envious. Ultimately, envy is a mindset issue because it is influenced by how individuals perceive themselves, their worth, and their relationship with others. By adopting a more positive and abundance-oriented mindset, individuals can free themselves from the detrimental effects of envy and embrace a more content and fulfilled life.
These videos are very insightful; it helps to see internal issues that have led me to live such a withdrawn life and get tips on working on them. Think I'll just ring the bell now.
Thank you so much for this video, Ana! I've learned a whole bunch of things from it. I couldn't tell the difference between jealousy and envy, but now I do. Specifically, I learned about the self-efficacy term I'd never heard about before! And it helped me to become aware of some stuff that I simply couldn't identify because of the lack of knowledge.
Thanks for this video Ana❤ I personally struggle a lot with feeling envy and I could never really pin point the reason for it - this definitely made me think of it in a clearer way.
Ana, thank you a lot for you work 🤗This video was very helpful, and cheered me up☺️ I've been watching your videos for a year or more, and though i don't actively apply all the knowledge I get here to my life, I think just by listening and learning it still makes me better in relationships with others as well as with myself
I'd like to see another part to this video that talks more about things that you envy that you don't have control over and strategies to deal with taht
A person who's got his/ her parents support (and I'm not thinking of material things), has an undeniable advantage compared to someone who lost his/ her parents too early. This former one has an authority figure behind him/ her.. a North Star.. 🌠
your videos are so eye opening … would you ever do a character analysis video on peeta mellark’s brain hijaking? like how trauma can change someone.. no pressure
I’m curious what your thoughts are on feeling a sort of envy but not particularly wanting the thing you envy so much as you want to be free of the feeling that if you don’t have that thing you’re not valuable. So an example might be: I feel envious when I see famous people getting attention at an award ceremony. I also feel strongly that I would not want to be famous or enjoy it, but I still feel a sense of envy in that I feel like in comparison to others, I don’t hold much value (I am lesser). So I suppose the thing I am envying in this hypothetical isn’t so much the fame specifically, but the perceived sense of self worth. It’s a comparison problem. I don’t want to want what other people have so much as I want to be at peace with what I have and who I am now. I want this more than say just telling myself “you can be famous too” because deep down I think that those things won’t actually make me more happy and I would continue to go on envying others even if I managed to manifest fame into my life.
It sounds like you're describing a common experience of envy. Envy often arises from a sense of inadequacy or a belief that we are lacking something that others possess, particularly in terms of social status, success, or recognition. From your example, it seems like you have identified that what you truly desire is not the specific thing others have (fame in this case) but rather the feeling of self-worth and contentment that you perceive as being associated with it. It's important to recognize that the feeling of envy is not uncommon and can stem from societal pressures and cultural expectations. Many people experience similar emotions and comparisons, feeling devalued or inferior in certain aspects of life. Acknowledging this is the first step in understanding your own emotions. To work towards being at peace with what you have and who you are, it may be helpful to shift your focus inward and cultivate a sense of self-acceptance and self-worth. This involves recognizing and appreciating your own strengths, accomplishments, and unique qualities. Reflect on your own values and priorities in life, and remind yourself of the things that genuinely bring you joy and fulfillment. Additionally, trying to cultivate gratitude for what you have can help counteract feelings of envy. Taking time to acknowledge and appreciate the positive aspects of your life can shift your perspective and reduce the
No one said building self ethicacy would be easy. 💯 + In the words of the late great Aaliyah. "If at first you don't succeed, pick ya self up and try again." 🙃😎✌️.
what has been the original evolutionary purpose of envy, though? to make me fight the person and just take what i could not have otherwise? to fight the system that made it impossible for me to get it?
I feel envious of all my ex-gfs. Because all of them had many more sexual encounters than me. All of them. Again this is envy, not jealousy. I'm not jealous of any of those men, those men are in the past, they do not exist. I feel envious, I wished I had those same encounters with women when I was younger. I feel so much envy. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did it take so long for me? Why does this always happen to me? I have a lot of work to do.
I want her advice on Peter Pans who are trying hard to turn their lives around and fam is complaining lol. She gives solid clinical advice. Just a thought from me. Thanks! Keep the up the videos.
I mean why don't we practice unconditional self acceptance? Like ok i want to go to Harvard but its possible that i won't guarantee this! So i need to accept that it wont happen and accept all the risks that would happen because i didn't get into Harvard and then go and apply! When we stop fearing it would make us feel more comfortable and confident not by saying yes i will be the exception! Its just toxic positive thinking because if it turns out that you are not the exception your self esteem will go down and become depressed! While if we accept the negative things it would be more realistic
Taking what you could get has to be considered on the customer end. If you want to treat patients, what if a patient is 33 or 26 or something? You think they want to be treated and helped by a "kid" fresh out of school? I'm just saying. That can't be over looked.
1:25 that still doesn’t explain why i’m not envious about someone owning a ferrari. I want a ferrari, i think i can never get a ferrari. Yet, i’m not envious about someone owning a ferrari. (Just using ferrari to speak to the imagination and making it universal) Critically, there are 2 additional factors. Opportunity cost and perceived necessity. -I want a ferrari, but i also want to remain financially stable. If you make me an offer, i will never chose the ferrari. I will probably never ride a ferrari, but hell I wouldn’t want the opportunity cost of the stress and money associated with a for me unreasonable and unnecessary goal That brings me to the perceived necessity. Just like love, envy and jealousy is based on perceived necessity. That there is no other way and that therefore it is critical to human survivability. To note, it is based on belief, as it is adaptive. 10.000 years ago, one might have been envious of someone owning a wheel, or 100.000 years ago, one might have been envious of fire. That because it significantly increased the rate of survival. Right now, those things wouldn’t make me envious as i dont believe it being as critical element of survivability, but could be by someone else. A ferrari wouldn’t be critical to survivability, but may be perceived as such, as the happiness that it would encompass would bring relief of any of the troubles of todays existance, and these troubles being an existential threat. In this narrative, it would become critical to survivability, as it projects more meaning to the subject, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and generating attachment. The video foregoes the assessment. Should you feel envious about the matter. If not, don’t. This sounds way simpler than it actually is, detachment is an art and is supposed to be practiced, studied and entertained. It is closer to studying a language than it is to light switch you can just turn on and off. That is my aspiration of wisdom.
It usually isn’t even about the ferrari. It is more about: “If only A happens, then XYZ would bring me more happiness” It is seen as a solution for a existing problem.
Funny how different our arguments are of envy, and we’re both right. It is just that my personality has a completely different perception of envy. My solution to envy is “detachment”, while yours is “detachment in order to”. Personally, i believe detachment shouldn’t have a purpose, or that is a form of hybrid detachment and attachment
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It might not be impossible to climb out of poverty but it's hard for me not to envy those who get support from their families and have so much more ease in life than growing up in generational poverty, with mentally ill and drug addict/incarcerated parents. When you don't have the resources to get the trainings you might need or the energy and time because of the chronic stress of desperation. It's not impossible but it's way harder to accomplish than those who have support and resources.
exactly the same. I wouln't say I envy things in general but this is the only one - not the money but being born into it so that any choice you do doesn't stress you. You are fine to never work in your life and do whatever because you will always be financially stable, whereas a normal person is very dependent and mentally drained by getting good grades - ending up in a good uni -getting a scholarship - getting a good job - having a great performance because you depend on them to have that basic level of stability
That isn't their fault though, they didn't choose their circumstances either. Your parents had your knowing you would be in those circumstances.
I know people who become more insightful and clever by living in these conditions, and also maby they have more finantial family stability but perhaps their family is abusive or they arent as tall or beautiful as you, no one has everything, some weaknesses become strenghts, and some opportunities as this one can become a weakness, maby this kind of people dont learn to fight and be a bit mean to get that richness and maby you do a bussiness and end up with more... they will feel even worse by knowing they had the opportunities and even with that ended up worse, or didnt used them in their favor, i am talking like these because i consider i have lost many opportunities.
@@rebecaguemes3354thank you for stating cuz I've found this to be true too. I've always been told that I'm wiser than my age, sometimes I do mourn the childhood and youth I could have (I'm still in my early 20s) but living that environment did make me both street smart and insightful. Yes the consequences of it is spending conspicuous amt of money in therapy (which are unaffordable) but these experiences have helped me appreciate life so much more than people of my age.
@@farisakhtar4824it’s no one fault, no one chooses their parents
I'm constantly comparing myself and making myself feel inferior, it's the most life-sucking thing you can do to yourself and it's hard to stop doing it
one tipp i got for that (so far have hardly consciously implemented it, but it seems plausible to me that it should work) is to simply always notice it whenever it happens, attribute it to the ego as a part of your psyche, and thereby (the following is my own understanding of how this actually works:) simply make it not be a "you"-thing but a "my ego" is trying to mess with me, again-thing, so your ego will be shrinking cause you will consciously and repeatedly see it as nothing but a factor in you, instead as what you yourself do or should think.
@@davejacob5208that’s such a great tip, thank you ^^
Breaking down the differences of envy and jealousy was really helpful
I think I'm envious of people who have had a safe, secure upbringing. I want that so badly, or wish I had it, but as I'm no longer a child, I can never have it.
Maybe that's why some people start a family? To create what they could not have.
That was my first thought when Ana asked what are you envious of? I'm envious of people who had a supportive family whose feelings got validated. Those who navigate the world feeling secure becaue they had parents to support them while they learned to fail.
I feel like i'm behind in life because of the neglect I endured as a child. My mental health suffered because of it. I feel like those who start their life with the gift of healthy attachment and security are for sure going to achieve more fulfiling life. Not to say it's not possible for those who didn't have that, but I guess we start adult life at a disadvantage. It takes longer to achieve the same level of "success".
@@LaraUAE I can treat myself well and teach myself to be secure, but I can never have a different upbringing than what I had.
It's understandable to feel envious of those who have had a safe and secure upbringing, especially if you haven't had the same experience. Childhood experiences can have a significant impact on our lives and shape our desires and aspirations. The longing for a safe and nurturing upbringing is a valid and natural response.
Starting a family can indeed be a way for some individuals to create the safe and secure environment they may not have had themselves. It offers the opportunity to provide their children with the loving and supportive upbringing they may have longed for. However, it's important to note that starting a family is a personal decision and there are various reasons why people choose to become parents.
While your past may have influenced your desires, it's essential to remember that even as an adult, you can still create nurturing and secure relationships and environments for yourself. Building a support network of friends, seeking therapy or counseling, practicing self-care, and surrounding yourself with positive influences can all contribute to creating a sense of safety and security in your life.
It's also essential to remember that everyone's journey is unique, and comparing ourselves to others can sometimes be detrimental. Instead of focusing on what you may not have had, consider focusing on what you can do now to cultivate a fulfilling and secure life for yourself.
I feel envy towards people who have parents who support them and want to be a part of their lives. My parents might as well be dead, and it's saddening.
This came at such a perfect time. I’d love to hear more about envy in friendships. I struggled a lot with a particular friendship, because it felt like envy was a big source of frustration; there was an air of competition and resentment from her even after I approached her about it and admitted I was part of the problem. I eventually had to distance myself because I didn’t want to be apart of that anymore. It’s interesting how it can be the strongest when it’s someone close to you.
Same! As I’m growing older, I am also struggling with envy of the people closest to me in my life, to which I’ve had to distance myself, so I don’t hurt them or feel that way towards them. I’ve been trying to work on this issue as to never project that feeling onto that person because it’s my own lack of confidence. I am still going to work hard for myself as to not put that onto others as well!
That's not too surprising, all in all. Strong emotions usually beget strong emotions.
It's a pretty reasonable explanation for why the pain of a betrayal is directly proportional to how much you love(d) and/or trust(ed) the person who betrayed you. I feel it is equally reasonable to expect strong feelings of attachment to develop into equally strong feelings of envy or resentment if the circumstances are right.
Still, I feel there are any number of reasons this can happen. For me, I know it definitely happens when what seemed like a healthy spirit of competition turns sickly due to circumstances outside of my control. Suddenly, the push forward you were giving each other feels like less like support and more like you're being pushed down instead. It can indeed be hard to support someone who it feels like everything is going right for, especially when you are experiencing the opposite. It's not hard for the friendly competition to turn to resentment in those cases.
I think the worst of it is when no one seems to understand or have the emotional bandwidth to support you when times are roughest. For the worst parts of my life, I've heard a lot of terms like "compassion fatigue" being thrown around - which tends to only increase resentment when you stop to think about how people can be *that* tired of your problems but expect you to weather through it when you're the one actually living that life.
I admit I don't practice self-compassion much, but part of the way I've learned to deal with it is to recognize when I'm feeling the opposite of "compassion fatigue": something I've coined "congratulations fatigue". Sometimes its important to recognize that you can be just as tired of others' good fortune as they can get of your bad fortune and there's nothing wrong with taking a moment to compose yourself or admit that you'd rather not talk about something if it will stress you to the extreme.
It's a little odd that its not seen as acceptable to burden others with our failures, but at the same time we should always be there to share in their successes without fail. It can be inspiring, yes, but it can also be devastating to experience over and over and over again and most people I've talked to with that problem seem to cope only through living vicariously through other people.
I haven't found an answer I'm satisfied yet, but I hope my musings can help somewhat.
I’m in a similar boat currently. I’ve completed my psych degree in three years and now I’m jumping into grad school in August with no experience. It’s so hard not to compare myself to other peoples accomplishments and experiences and feel like I’m under qualified. Hearing about your own experiences makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone. I’m hopeful I’ll make it through and achieve great things like you have.
I want your boat
I'm glad to hear that sharing my experiences has made you feel better and reassured you in some way. It's completely natural to compare ourselves to others and feel underqualified, especially when starting something new like grad school. But remember, everyone has their own unique journey and timeline. Your accomplishments and experiences, no matter how different they may be from others, are still valid and valuable.
Grad school is a challenging yet rewarding experience, and I believe that you have what it takes to succeed and achieve great things. Keep a positive mindset, stay focused on your goals, and don't be afraid to ask for help or seek guidance when needed. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and there are resources and support available to you.
Believe in yourself, trust your abilities, and embrace every opportunity for growth and learning. You are capable of achieving great things, just like anyone else. Best of luck in your upcoming grad school journey!
I'm envious of people who had a supportive family growing. Those who got to express their feelings and being validated. Those who navigate the world feeling secure because they had safe parents to support them while they explored.
I feel like i'm behind in life because of the neglect I endured as a child. My mental health suffered because of it and I lost so many years to depression. I feel like those who start their life with the gift of healthy attachment and security are for sure going to achieve more fulfilling life. Not to say it's not possible for those who didn't have that, but I guess we start adult life at a disadvantage. It takes longer to achieve the same level of "success". We have to unlearn a lot of beliefs acquired in childhood. I know there's some worth to that, but in a society that values work accomplishment and power over anything, it's difficult not to feel less than...
I feel this
I think the strength and lessons you learned from overcoming your childhood will certainly come back to help you tremendously in the future. Everyone goes through hardships and everyone suffers. Not that I would really do this math, but you never quite know how those who have lived a sheltered and "easy" life will handle the things that all eventually plague us -- death/loss of a parent, grief of varying sorts, world events. In that case, you have come yourself a tremendous favor by doing that work early. Now, you know yourself as someone who can live and work alongside the complexities of life versus always depending on "ideal conditions" to achieve anything (because those don't exist).
I am not anti-work or anti-capitalist but I do think it's valid to ask ourselves regularly whether all the hard work we put into something is really going to be worth it and make us happy even if we do achieve what we set out to do. I think the "I do not dream of labour" movement stems from many people realizing that achievement does not always equal happiness. Sometimes it's okay to simply work for the sake of making a living and find your fulfillment elsewhere.
Yeah, there's evidence that happiness is constant regardless of income (once you can afford basic necessities and healthcare).
A lot of people could live a fulfilled and satisfied life in a cottage or commune, but no one talks about that
@@LowestofheDead that’s still a lot though. Like $70k USD
I am a very envious person because I have a chronic illness. I used to be great academically until my chronic pain got too bad over years and I can't excel studying at college as much as others. My body is physically stopping me. I can't work out as much as I'd like, I can't work, I can't study and can't maintain big circle of friends. And I have to look at other people my age (early 20s) doing everything I want to do and people around me having same expectations as if I'm healthy
Same here. Its debilitating.
That would explain why my envy went away when I worked hard to get the same things. But that begs the question. Why did envy start to bother me as it is now. It never used to be this way.
There could be several reasons why envy started bothering you now, even if it didn't bother you before. Here are a few possibilities:
1. Increased exposure: With the rise of social media and constant connectivity, we are more exposed than ever to other people's lives and achievements. This increased exposure may make it easier for envy to creep in.
2. Unrealistic comparisons: When you compare yourself to others, you may be focusing on their best moments or only the highlights of their lives. This can create a distorted perception and make you feel inadequate, leading to envy.
3. Personal insecurities: As we grow and change, our own insecurities may emerge or become more prominent. These insecurities could make you more prone to feeling envy towards others who possess qualities or achievements you desire.
4. Changing priorities or values: Over time, our priorities and values may shift, and what once seemed important may no longer hold the same significance. If your values have changed, you may find yourself envying individuals who align more closely with your new priorities.
5. External pressures: Societal expectations, cultural influences, or peer pressure can all contribute to feeling envious. If you perceive others as meeting these external expectations more effortlessly than you, it may intensify your feelings of envy.
It's important to remember that envy is a natural emotion, but it's crucial to find healthy ways to manage it. Practicing gratitude, focusing on personal growth, and celebrating your own achievements can help shift your mindset and reduce the impact of envy on your well-being.
Ah, it was because it was something I thought I'd never achieve myself. All I had to do was change my thought process. If I work and put the effort in, I'll achieve it too. It's only impossible if I believe it to be
This really cleared my mind. Thanks for your vídeo.
Hey! Just want to let you know I love your uploads and really appreciate all the effort you put into educating ppl about psychology. It’s one of my passions and I love the way you talk about it!
You’re currently my favourite RUclipsr
That’s so kind, thank you!
What is the underlying promise of what you envy? Body wise , I envy others because the underlying belief is that if I’m thin/strong/pretty enough, it will secure my place. I’ll be loved, wanted, safe.
The underlying promise of what I envy body-wise is the belief that achieving a certain physique - being thin, strong, or pretty - will guarantee acceptance, love, desirability, and a sense of safety.
OMG this video falled from the sky!! I was just struggling with this last couple of days and I was searching on dome information on how to feel better and THIS IS IT! Thank you so, so much 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻✨✨✨✨
omg same
Thank you for your videos! I'm an autistic guy and I struggle a lot with understanding/controlling my emotions and your videos have helped me tons!
It’s like the exchange between Yoda and Luke Skywalker
“I don’t believe it.”
“That is why you fail.”
So glad I found your channel. You’ve helped a ton with my personal life and self growth. Thanks for sharing
it also can be that you want something others have and you don’t think they deserve it. I feel like you can feel envy then as well
I have been waiting forever for you to do non relationship based videos again .. thank you
I'm envious of people's effortless talent and success at things. Often in recreation, but vocationally also. I want to taste the success and victory that is so accessible to everyone else.
Keep up the great content Ana. 👍
I needed this right now 😿
I am so glad you exist this video was wonderful
I will most certainly buy your book, Ana!
Do you personally or professionally KNOW a parent who is envious of their OWN BIOLOGICAL child for their beauty or brains, what do you recommend that a child/teenager of that parent to do???
Like if the parent has been envious of their child since birth through age 16 and onward. So, the parent is CONSTANTLY gaslighting, dismissing, verbally and emotionally and mentally abusing the child/teenager , sabotaging any success the teenager is working toward involving independence. If the child/teen can't leave due to limited finances, what advice do you have for the child/teenager????
Background: the parent is a single parent. The other parent is absent/estranged and in another country. School counselors have done absolutely nothing to help the teenager.
A year ago I started watching your videos for the fun of it, now I find myself watching them and studying to be a psychologist, thanks for being an inspiration, I really love your channel 🌼
Hi Ana! Thank you so much for this video. It’s definitely an essential topic that needs to be spoken about. Obviously a lot of people speak about envy and jealousy, but they talk about it from a place where they are the friend and advised to stay away from envious people.
It leaves envious people in a place where they simply don’t know how to deal with it which makes it difficult to become a better person in that aspect and leads to discouragement and then becomes a whole cycle again. It’s great to speak about the perspective of the other party. That’s why I appreciate this video!!
Is it okay if you can speak about how to become optimistic especially when you’re a pessimistic type of person? I think that would be a nice topic if that’s okay with you
Hi there! Thank you for your kind words and I'm glad you found the video helpful. I completely understand your point about the perspective of envious people not always being addressed, and I think it's important to have empathy towards them as well.
Regarding your suggestion about becoming optimistic as a pessimistic person, I think that's a fantastic topic! Developing a more optimistic mindset can definitely be challenging, but with some strategies and practice, it's absolutely possible. I'll definitely consider creating a video on that topic in the future.
Thanks again for your feedback and suggestion!
Such a helpful video. Will watch and rewatch.
Envy also comes when you believe you deserve X thing more than someone else who already has it
One of the nastiest parts of envy is feeling that someone else’s good is unattainable, and that leading to wishing the other person did not have what they have, since you can’t have it: “If I can’t have it nobody should.” People have burnt down neighborhoods over envy of that stripe.
Excited to learn 🖤
This was really inspiring to me! Thank you!
Yeah I definitely needed this especially with social media and how "eveyone" seems to have it figured out.
God, it’s like you genuinely know all the answers (scientifically) 😭
Envy is considered a mindset issue because it originates from a person's thoughts and beliefs. It is a state of feeling dissatisfied or resentful when others possess what one desires. Envy often arises from comparing oneself to others and focusing on what one lacks rather than what one has.
The mindset of envy is rooted in a scarcity mentality, where individuals believe that there is only a limited amount of success, happiness, or resources available. This mindset leads to feelings of insecurity and the belief that others' achievements or possessions diminish one's own worth.
Envy can be detrimental to one's mental and emotional well-being. It can breed negative thoughts such as self-doubt, self-pity, and resentment. It can also impact relationships as envy often involves wanting what others have and resenting them for possessing it.
Overcoming envy requires a shift in mindset. This involves acknowledging and challenging the underlying beliefs that fuel envy. It requires focusing on one's own accomplishments, strengths, and personal growth rather than comparing oneself to others. Cultivating gratitude and appreciation for what one has can also help combat the tendency to be envious.
Ultimately, envy is a mindset issue because it is influenced by how individuals perceive themselves, their worth, and their relationship with others. By adopting a more positive and abundance-oriented mindset, individuals can free themselves from the detrimental effects of envy and embrace a more content and fulfilled life.
These videos are very insightful; it helps to see internal issues that have led me to live such a withdrawn life and get tips on working on them. Think I'll just ring the bell now.
Thanks for this, this really makes a difference!
Thank you so much for this video, Ana! I've learned a whole bunch of things from it. I couldn't tell the difference between jealousy and envy, but now I do. Specifically, I learned about the self-efficacy term I'd never heard about before! And it helped me to become aware of some stuff that I simply couldn't identify because of the lack of knowledge.
Thank you Ana for this video.
Thanks for this video Ana❤ I personally struggle a lot with feeling envy and I could never really pin point the reason for it - this definitely made me think of it in a clearer way.
Very very helpful and I’m in total agreement. It’s about how we see ourselves ❤❤
Would LOVE a video on radical acceptance!
Not only do I love watching your videos but everytime you upload I'm motivated to do my skincare coz your skin is goals 😩🤌🏼🤌🏼
my brain autocorrected the title to "envy is a skill issue" when i first clicked on the video lol
Ana, thank you a lot for you work 🤗This video was very helpful, and cheered me up☺️
I've been watching your videos for a year or more, and though i don't actively apply all the knowledge I get here to my life, I think just by listening and learning it still makes me better in relationships with others as well as with myself
I'd like to see another part to this video that talks more about things that you envy that you don't have control over and strategies to deal with taht
this was so helpful, i love your videos! and i would love another on radical acceptance
The cure to envy is gratitude. Learn how to appreciate and be grateful for what you have and you’ll focus less on others.
Definitely would like another vid about radical acceptance! Also, I relate to that quip at "everything is futile under capitalism" lol
You are an inspiration, Anna
Ana: '...people come with an unfair advantage... Life's not fair' Next Clip: 'Countess Chianti Sunbathing'......lol
😂😂 she has it so good
yes, for the radical acceptance!!!!
I needed this. Thank you
Let’s get that radical acceptance video!
OMG, this video made me feel so uncomfortable. Thanks for that!
A person who's got his/ her parents support (and I'm not thinking of material things), has an undeniable advantage compared to someone who lost his/ her parents too early. This former one has an authority figure behind him/ her.. a North Star.. 🌠
Would love another video on radical acceptance ❤
Ana ❤ This video is particularly 🔥 great thank you for the insight and the advice
This video is so positive!!!! Thank you! 😊
I needed this video
I thought this was going to be a video about FOMO or contentment or about the unhealthiness of envy, but seems more about achieving goals
I am a Jar of Envy.
I really like the new hair!
your videos are so eye opening … would you ever do a character analysis video on peeta mellark’s brain hijaking? like how trauma can change someone.. no pressure
I really liked this. Thanks!
Great video. Thanks.
THANK YOU for this! Can you make a video of metacognitive therapy as well?
Needed this Ty!!
I’m curious what your thoughts are on feeling a sort of envy but not particularly wanting the thing you envy so much as you want to be free of the feeling that if you don’t have that thing you’re not valuable. So an example might be: I feel envious when I see famous people getting attention at an award ceremony. I also feel strongly that I would not want to be famous or enjoy it, but I still feel a sense of envy in that I feel like in comparison to others, I don’t hold much value (I am lesser). So I suppose the thing I am envying in this hypothetical isn’t so much the fame specifically, but the perceived sense of self worth. It’s a comparison problem. I don’t want to want what other people have so much as I want to be at peace with what I have and who I am now. I want this more than say just telling myself “you can be famous too” because deep down I think that those things won’t actually make me more happy and I would continue to go on envying others even if I managed to manifest fame into my life.
It sounds like you're describing a common experience of envy. Envy often arises from a sense of inadequacy or a belief that we are lacking something that others possess, particularly in terms of social status, success, or recognition. From your example, it seems like you have identified that what you truly desire is not the specific thing others have (fame in this case) but rather the feeling of self-worth and contentment that you perceive as being associated with it.
It's important to recognize that the feeling of envy is not uncommon and can stem from societal pressures and cultural expectations. Many people experience similar emotions and comparisons, feeling devalued or inferior in certain aspects of life. Acknowledging this is the first step in understanding your own emotions.
To work towards being at peace with what you have and who you are, it may be helpful to shift your focus inward and cultivate a sense of self-acceptance and self-worth. This involves recognizing and appreciating your own strengths, accomplishments, and unique qualities. Reflect on your own values and priorities in life, and remind yourself of the things that genuinely bring you joy and fulfillment.
Additionally, trying to cultivate gratitude for what you have can help counteract feelings of envy. Taking time to acknowledge and appreciate the positive aspects of your life can shift your perspective and reduce the
No one said building self ethicacy would be easy. 💯 + In the words of the late great Aaliyah. "If at first you don't succeed, pick ya self up and try again." 🙃😎✌️.
this is so helpful! thank u!
what has been the original evolutionary purpose of envy, though? to make me fight the person and just take what i could not have otherwise? to fight the system that made it impossible for me to get it?
I listened to this video and the other envy one where she wears green so many times. I'm a very envious person, unfortunately.
your hair is great!
Awesome video! 💗
10:28 this gives me hope
Any mindset in excess will be an issue, envy controlled force thriving to higher grounds to much kill everything
haven't even watched this yet, but any video that promotes personal accountability and ownership of one's emotions is something i click on and like 👍
Appreciate your videos
But the thing I want is literally impossible, I only ever get envious (and jealous) over love.
great video
I feel my partner is envy because my kids are forgiving, caring,compassionate,and supportive people and his son has none of those qualities
thank you for the upload
also, incase no one has has already told you today- your hair looks great
I feel envious of all my ex-gfs. Because all of them had many more sexual encounters than me. All of them. Again this is envy, not jealousy. I'm not jealous of any of those men, those men are in the past, they do not exist. I feel envious, I wished I had those same encounters with women when I was younger. I feel so much envy. What the hell was wrong with me? Why did it take so long for me? Why does this always happen to me?
I have a lot of work to do.
Wow hair is now straight and not curly 😳. Definitely did not expect that.
Great!
I would love to hear what you have to say about jealousy!
What if you dont want someone else to loose something you just want both of you to have it?
I want her advice on Peter Pans who are trying hard to turn their lives around and fam is complaining lol. She gives solid clinical advice. Just a thought from me. Thanks! Keep the up the videos.
I mean why don't we practice unconditional self acceptance? Like ok i want to go to Harvard but its possible that i won't guarantee this! So i need to accept that it wont happen and accept all the risks that would happen because i didn't get into Harvard and then go and apply! When we stop fearing it would make us feel more comfortable and confident not by saying yes i will be the exception! Its just toxic positive thinking because if it turns out that you are not the exception your self esteem will go down and become depressed! While if we accept the negative things it would be more realistic
I have 10000% jealousy.
Greetings!
❤
😍😍
Taking what you could get has to be considered on the customer end. If you want to treat patients, what if a patient is 33 or 26 or something? You think they want to be treated and helped by a "kid" fresh out of school? I'm just saying. That can't be over looked.
1:25 that still doesn’t explain why i’m not envious about someone owning a ferrari. I want a ferrari, i think i can never get a ferrari. Yet, i’m not envious about someone owning a ferrari. (Just using ferrari to speak to the imagination and making it universal)
Critically, there are 2 additional factors. Opportunity cost and perceived necessity.
-I want a ferrari, but i also want to remain financially stable. If you make me an offer, i will never chose the ferrari. I will probably never ride a ferrari, but hell I wouldn’t want the opportunity cost of the stress and money associated with a for me unreasonable and unnecessary goal
That brings me to the perceived necessity. Just like love, envy and jealousy is based on perceived necessity. That there is no other way and that therefore it is critical to human survivability. To note, it is based on belief, as it is adaptive. 10.000 years ago, one might have been envious of someone owning a wheel, or 100.000 years ago, one might have been envious of fire. That because it significantly increased the rate of survival. Right now, those things wouldn’t make me envious as i dont believe it being as critical element of survivability, but could be by someone else.
A ferrari wouldn’t be critical to survivability, but may be perceived as such, as the happiness that it would encompass would bring relief of any of the troubles of todays existance, and these troubles being an existential threat. In this narrative, it would become critical to survivability, as it projects more meaning to the subject, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and generating attachment.
The video foregoes the assessment. Should you feel envious about the matter. If not, don’t. This sounds way simpler than it actually is, detachment is an art and is supposed to be practiced, studied and entertained. It is closer to studying a language than it is to light switch you can just turn on and off. That is my aspiration of wisdom.
It usually isn’t even about the ferrari. It is more about:
“If only A happens, then XYZ would bring me more happiness”
It is seen as a solution for a existing problem.
Funny how different our arguments are of envy, and we’re both right. It is just that my personality has a completely different perception of envy. My solution to envy is “detachment”, while yours is “detachment in order to”. Personally, i believe detachment shouldn’t have a purpose, or that is a form of hybrid detachment and attachment
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You are soooo beautiful!
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️That's not the purpose of this video
@@thejojojo1111 I know right, I just can't stop myself appreciating her beauty. 😃
i envy how pretty you are but like I'm not angry or anything