HELLO AGAIN Livestream #2 with Daniel & Gabor (September 16 2023)
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- Опубликовано: 16 окт 2024
- As part of their writing process for their upcoming book, Hello Again: A Fresh Start For Parents and Adult Children, Daniel & Gabor Maté are doing a series of livestreams to discuss and inquire into this complicated topic.
Send questions and comments on this subject to helloagainbook@gmail.com and yours may be read live on the air!
Your courage as father and son to publicly navigate your healing journey, with the intention to help others is so honourable, and immensely helpful for those of us facing a similar journey with our adult children. Bless you both! 🌞
My thoughts exactly
As a victim/survivor of child abuse I still cannot possibly believe how a father and a son/daughter can develop such a relationship in which they can discuss a wide range of topics so freely AND with so much eye contact to each other. Greetings from Tokyo, Japan. ♥️
Same here. It's hard to believe that child & parent could hold a conversation with civility, to say the least.
It IS such a GIFT to witness aware , compassionate and authentically present relating between a father and adult son! Thank you BOTH for the energy and generosity you extend to make this possible !🎉
I have never heard any parent and adult child speak together as considerately and honestly as this conversation. This was so remarkable and also strange for me!!!
Hi Sarah, I would also recommend you check out Forrest Hanson (RUclips channel) where he and his psychologist father produce regular podcast episodes together of conversations between just the two of them and interviewing others (they might have even hosted Gabor on an episode, I can’t recall, but they’ve hosted others like Richard Schwartz - creator of Internal Family Systems therapy, Jacob Ham - an amazing trauma therapist in NYC, Dr Stephen Porges - creator of the Polyvagal Theory, just to name a few). Above the fantastic information and I esp love the way that Forrest structures each episode and summarises at the end, the most incredible component is the interaction between Forrest and his father Rick (who is also a very successful and celebrated author, psychologist etc) and how they model incredibly healthy securely attached parent-child relationship). Also check out the episodes that Forrest does with his partner Elizabeth (she lives with cPTSD and is also a somatic experience therapist) because they model such a genuine and secure romantic relationship. And I have learned a lot just by observing their interactions, which you may find helpful. I esp love the episode Forrest and Rick did with Richard Schwartz, who seems like a really heart-based and genuinely kind person, where they mirrored their mutual respect and admiration for each other in an authentic way, something I have hardly ever witnessed in real life, unfortunately.
It was so nice to see and feel Danial seems to have a little more respect for his father, that is a very highly respected human being that has come into this world to help not only his own family but the whole world congratulations Gabor Mate”
Dude, seems like someone is idealising someone a little bit too much? They're two human beings, father and son. Gabor is not a fucking prophet who here to save the world.
In the past (there is an old video from 5-7 years ago) it was Gabor who cut off Daniel. For Daniel (and for Gabor as well!) patience comes with much healing and time. It's an imperfect process. We may cringe at times. But ultimately I think the dance is to be able to see oneself in both of these human beings. It's easy to say what we do and don't like in others and analyze them. Judgements/ dislikes say as much about us as they do about someone outside of us. Ultimately this rawness is what makes this process is authentic and valuable. It's not polished and finished. It's literally a work IN PROGRESS.
Thanks for sharing. I was one of the people who last time pointed out Daniel's annoyance at the interruptions while still interrupting. It's inspiring to witness you guys tackling this subject and giving us subtext of that period. I'm sure that were me and my mum on this live together talking about our thing jeeezzz it would be a mess. So, thanks so much for soldering on.. I'm looking forward to the book ❤❤❤
Learning so much from you, father & son. Thank you from bottom of my heart for this frank, vulnerable and wise interactions.
1:03:00 it gives my true self joy to hear Daniel share his nervous system experience with his father... it feels cathartic! My dad is like Archie Bunker but USMC Marine louder. He's 78 and I wish I could talk as openly... my father triggers my nervous system into fight, fight, freeze, fawn response! I only started Somatic Therapy in 2022. Im 56yrs and I have two kids of my own that I am fighting to stay attuned for!
I am a parent and I found Daniels mood stirring up a lot of irritation in myself and what’s with that . I enjoy both of you openly working and finding your way . Bravo 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I think because we are "old school" maybe? I always speak to my parents (in their mid-70s) with great respect. I never mock them or interrupt them. It just isn't done in my generation and my family. So I understand what you mean. My own adult children are respectful but not nearly as mindful as I am with my parents.
What's with that is a great opportunity for you (and any of us) to look within. Compassion. Insight. And patience. All around.
I can definitely sense the tension and the baggage you two share and that is what makes your work unbelievable. Both of you are so talented and wise and aware but there is still work to do. That makes you human and relatable. You guys have taught me so much . Thank you from France.
Did you mean unbelievable in a good or bad way?
Dr. Gabor, I am pleased to hear you and Daniel are working on your wounds and writing another book together. Daniel displays narcissistic personality which is different from trauma and it appears he enjoys bringing out your faults in an arrogant way. I believe he loves you and really wants to be like you but you have a humble personality and truly understands people.
I need more Gabor in my life. He is soothing. He is good medicine. Thank you for your collaboration. God is good every day. Healing is possible. It isn't just my little bubble. The whole world is fractured. It hurts when all ya want is peace.
Great love, hurt, and courage
I think Daniel's transformation is amazing. His face is less constricted and looks calmer. It's beautiful to see.
I am soo grateful that you are doing this it's too special too honest and I can see why Mate has such expression it shows how human you are I can relate to both of you, it. is the vulnability and honesty that reveals that both son and father are allowing the healing that is happening , I can see that happening with my son and my daughter, hopefully we can really do what you are doing Its special
thank you for allowing raw honesty to surface, the tension, anxiety, tendency to control, dominate, manage public impressions, which is very reflective of my own relationship to my daughter and my relationship to my parents. this openness to discuss what is usually uncomfortable tension without getting defensive, it is instructive for me to see my self both in Daniel & in Gabor. God bless you both for your generosity in making this video public. sending you both love and sincere gratitude. thank you!
Love what you're both doing! In a few months I'll also be 80! Grateful for being able to talk freely with my 2 younger kids, more complicated with the 1st one...they're 56, 40 and 36 yr. old.. Once I treated my first as an adult not my Child, we were more free in our relationship.
Yes agree, it’s staying present. I think you are both courageous to air your relationship on social media. Daniel- your dad seems genuinely sorry for the past and he’s using it now to help others and he honours your feelings and is humble. Stay in the present. I had a horrendous childhood that I’ve overcome and it took me 14 years to not be triggered by my mum. I focus on the good things about my mum and I understand her childhood trauma, which was passed down to me but understanding her past has helped me to have compassion for her childhood and I don’t bring up the past to her anymore.. we need to get to a place where we don’t feel we need to remind our parents of our trauma and behaviours and feelings. In humility share the struggles as I think it’s brilliant but do it with respect and compassion for your dad.
Dear Daniel.. with a lot of love to both of you I need to say yes you convey hostility and my nervous system feels triggered when you speak.. and yes not your fault you hold a lot in your nervous system
And for good reasons... but yes nervous system regulation and yet deeper healing in Daniel would be a gift to watch... meanwhile it's a process. We all have a Daniel and a Gabor inside us somewhere.
You’re both solid gold. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. I don’t either of you to be any different than you authentically are. It’s all part of the ongoing process. Loved your 2018 workshop in NYC. It absolutely turned my relationship with my daughter around. I came away a changed mother who no longer expected my daughter to be any different than she is. That and so many other valuable nuggets of information made all the difference
Daniel!! Wow, you are coming from a wise perspective! Love it.
You are connecting with your father in an open and more meaningful way. You are hearing now.
I’m so happy you two are respectful and relating to one another.
You guys are doing dynamic work ! Yes, put some humor into it.
No parent has all the answers. In fact parenting is something you go into blindly.
Wow!!! 😊you are on a roll 🎉❤
Yes it's really beautiful to see Daniel's transformation, coming from a parent. Love seeing it. I want that for my adult children.
And I’m very grateful for the work you’re both doing with generational trauma on a public platform. What a gift you’re giving to the world, to normalize this.
Healing the souls and renewing our minds brings transformation. Both go hand in hand. Changing our thoughts changes behaviour patterns.
Brilliant - this conversation is a demonstration to all of us how to 'use' respect, and ultimately kindness and kind humour' to work on a relationship over a limited period of time. Ye model for us a way of doing what you teach us. Love and greetings to you both, especially for your responses to viewers' queries in the area of parent/child estrangement. God bless you, from Ireland
Thanks for doing these video's on such a taboo subject that is key to love and connection yet mired in layers of disconnection and misunderstandings. Thanks Daniel and Gabor Mate.
Your teachings have helped me and im using it to give my family a better life.
I think Dr Gabor Mate is a rock star !!!! What a wealth of knowledge, wisdom & skills. I've only become familiar with this man & his work in the past month. He's brilliant ! And this next part is not related to any of his work, but he is quite presentable to look at 😊 Digging his fashion sense in all aspects - clothing, rings & funky glasses. Oh yeah.. and a very soothing voice to listen to 😊
Greetings from Switzerland. It is very healing to hear you both and see you vulnerable and empathic and honest with respect. I can’t wait to read the book . Thank you for doing this 🎉
Real people, balanced, good, of quality
I love your talks with each other … I am 73 and because of my own un healed wounds, I have a very distant relationship with my two girls age late 40’s): … I’ve never ever believed that there was any opportunity for healing this distance with the words of reality …. Which would even deal with my own wounds … Thankyou Thankyou to both ….ps. I live in Alberta 🇨🇦 but my dad’s family came from Hungary (Kissousalas, not sure if spelling) in the early 1900’s) so I was very drawn to your story ! Thankyou again. 🥰
This conversation is priceless. Thank you both!❤
in previous sessions, i had the impression that Daniel wants to dominate, or maybe is afraid that his dad otherwise would dominate. I see with my own children (4 daughters) that it is difficult for adult children to believe that their parents can relate to them as full capable adults.
This time Gabor looks so much more relaxed, and you both feel more like equal friends
It seems as though Daniel might be growing up to his feelings about his father I imagine it’s hard for him as the son to move forward with a relationship with his father to let go of all that stuff from younger days work through it squash it I don’t know that’s kind of hard but when you have another parent that’s reciprocal of it might make it easier
Really enjoying your interview very inspirational big thank you
I’m curious, Isabelle, whether you’ve asked your daughters if that’s how they really feel (that their parents are less capable of relating to them as adult children - if I’m understanding your original comment correctly). That’s not a judgement or saying that you should, only wondering if that’s what you’ve heard from them or if that’s what you’ve interpreted from your interactions.
The topic of the parent child relationship is incredibly interesting to me and close to my heart - I have a very turbulent relationship with my mother (I had to cut her out of my life for my own safety) and I have a very young daughter now. One of my biggest fears, as you can imagine, is for her and I to end up with a fractured relationship like mine with my mother. And despite my efforts to do things differently, there are definitely signs of an insecure attachment and her putting some distance between us at times (though she is only 7 so a lot can change, as well as potentially my misinterpretation of her intentions and feelings). What I have noticed and became curious about (and trying to work on) is that I have a tendency to bring my trauma and anxieties and triggers from my fractured relationship with my mother into my interactions with my daughter. At times this has resulted in me failing to see her as her own person and not another version of me that I need to ‘fix’ or prevent her from making the same mistakes that I did - because in doing so, I am not in the present moment and it’s so incredibly frustrating for her to get these big reactions from me (which was a reaction to my past, my fears, not to her in that moment). And in these experiences, it reminds me of my past interactions with my mother when I was a teenager, when I recall feeling so unseen and unheard because my mother was having these big fear based reactions to my needs, requests, actions etc, reactions that were also probably her own past trauma reactions/scripts. I find myself realising that if I continued on this path of not meeting my daughter where she is in the present moment without bringing my baggage along, then she would continue to pull away from me and can quite conceivably grow up believing that I am not capable of relating to her as an adult because I was not able to relate to her as a child. That is not to assign blame on me or her or my mother, nor am I assigning blame or judgement on you or your daughters if this resonates with you.
And because my daughter is 7 years old, she loves the Australian cartoon “Bluey” at the moment (and I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it). Their episode are so clever and do explore a lot of parent-child relationship dynamics in an age appropriate way to young children as well a speaking to the adults, a bit like Pixar films. There is an episode called “Grannies” that had a great quote from the mother character to her daughter Bluey about the dilemma she was having with her little sister Bingo: “You’re going to have to decide: Do you want to be right, or do you want Bingo to keep playing with you?” Bluey thinks for a few seconds and replies: “Can I have both?” to which her mother said “No.”. I find myself remembering the lesson from that episode often, because we frequently find ourselves needing to decide if we need to double down on our righteousness/version of the truth at the cost of a relationship. I see too often people of all generations, but especially in the parent-child dynamic, choosing righteousness over the relationship (sometimes that is the healthy thing to do, but sometimes it’s not).
You are both helping me as I am a 71 yr. Old mother of 5 boys. We are all in therapy as we have all suffered trauma from living with his abusive father and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict and started drinking after out divorce. I got sober for 14 yrs then relaped during covid. They have struggled with all of this and me too
I am rooting for both of you from all my heart. I have found out about this through the Commune workshop recording. I have listened to all of your videos, but this one makes my throat shrink with emotion. I have listened to it several times and taken notes. I wanted to volunteer to be interviewed but most of my questions were already asked by other people and answered, so I thank you for your insight. Warm regards from Belgrade
I really appreciate the tandem nature of your reflections, sometimes confronting perceptions and another offering compassionate acknowledgement.
Such powerful realizations for me. Hugely helpful 🙏 I have no words to thank you both
I just love Gabor Mate! Such an amazing man. I just love his calm, soothing demeanor. He is so patient. Daniel is more hyper and more anxious. He sure has large shoes to fill:) Just wonderful to see the two of them together working towards greater understanding and love, modeling for us how to reconcile our past wounds. As a survivor of complex trauma, I could only dream to go through such healing with my own parents. ❤
About Alice Miller- I’m shocked! I’m Polish American and had no idea about her son’s ongoing struggles. I almost got her book but now I’m getting her son’s book.
Daniel, way to talk about boundaries and that they change and are flexible! Explaining this more clearly, as it got infused with the patriarchy power game. Sadly. Thanks for doing that.
Sending you peace and love from UAE . Just watching and listening to both of you make me heal
❤ you both are great! I've followed Gabor for some time now. Keep it going.... don't stop.
I hope they read comments and know how important they are to us
Lovely greetings from Germany. I love your books. My research in medicine and psychology is the theme :the unseen women. As a grandmother today I've observed there is a significant difference. The most official science concern the men's health.
🙌🗣💞
I love you both so much. The honesty is amazing between ye and the little laughs ye have is beautiful and funny
Thank you both so much. I always learn from listening to Gabor but also from Daniel and Gabor together. This video has been so helpful. Much love ❤❤❤
i would also like exploration about daughters and mothers
@isabellekeyzer Everything we're saying applies to daughters and mothers. In fact all the questions we read out today were from one or the other of those. We can't be anything other than what we are-a father and son-but what we're talking about is not sex-specific. -Daniel
@@gabordanielmate I still have a feeling that the dynamics between daughters and mothers are still a bit different. I would like you to talk with your mom and other moms or daughters among your friends to hear if they also see it that way.
this being said, I love your program and your expression of your deep inner work and insights.
maybe it has something to do with trying to prevent painful experiences for our children, wich they experience as control and having to do everything our way...
(sorry, my current language is not English)
I betya they don't share everything on here. I'm certain Gabe did not raise his children...wife did all the work.
@@isabellekeyzernothing wrong with your english. I agree the dynamics are somewhat different for females.
Love this. Fascinating
So much respect.
My favorite courageous powerful duo.
You are very inspiring.I learn a lot from you.
I feel so blessed to get to know your work,because my children are still young teenagers .
What I learn the most from Gabor’s work and message is « Authenticity » & « Compassion ».
He lives what he speeches.🙏🏻✨✨✨✨
So true, yet the sons' experiences are truly his, despite the now evolved persona of his father. Wonderful lessons for me to put into practice when I get to say hello again with my sons. ❤😉🧐🙏🙋♀️🤷♀️👣 ps 12 steps have softened my historical/hysterical reactions (before I made a serious interior into myself.) Your message has got me prepared along with MY healing self- examination. jbd
Great respect to you guys as individuals, for working together with such intent. Blessings on your navigation and many thanks for modelling relationally such potentially paradigm shifting sifting material.
Gratitude to u both for love and courage between yourself and with world including so many parents and children
You are both very wise and I love seeing your connection. You are co-regulating your nervous systems with mutual respect and I feel lucky to witness that.
Wow. I have to just say from beginning of listening how happy I am to find this recording of both of you together & will listen to your #1 recording as well, how much I appreciate you both for the effort & courage to engage this process. Not only in terms of larger subject, but also, in listening to your opening comments, how much I appreciate you both facing whatever issues may come up between you both as far as what may still need to be healed between you. The word that came to mind Daniel when you were looking for word to describe the live process of your edchange as you write this book together, is the complex & intricate nature of the process & your willingness to share your process together while including us & our response & feedback, both positive & negative. I'm excited & have so much respect & admiration for both of you. I also appreciate opportunity of being part of your process. Thankyou!🙏🏼❤🙏🏼
The courage. The curiosity. It’s inspiring to follow along as you explore uncharted territory together. For me, it’s your sharing and inquiries into each other that give me the most. The analyses of those who ask questions, (not always truly questions, of course, that’s human), are hit and miss.
For some reason, Chap 1 of Carl Rogers’ On Becoming a Person comes to mind. I’ll go read it again now. Something about speaking from the “I” (and the “we” that exists and that you’re discovering and creating semi-publicly), generates the real magic.
Such honest conversations heal others who'd never trusted themselves of such honesty!❤
I both commend and find admirable how Gabor Maté lends his platforms to his son. Very nice. Relationships are like farts, if you have to force them, they are probably shit.
Sometimes I feel some passive aggressive undertones here, and it makes me wonder if I could do this kind of thing with one of my parents. Oh man....Good on both of you in the end. TY for sharing.
I appreciate both of u sharing openly dynamics of intentional communication 4 personal healing, genuine care for the other. Coming from generational pain often operating out of a projected self this place of Truth gives way 2 ending generational pattern, birth of real parent, adult child n Real terms.
Thank you so much for these conversations and all your work. Forever grateful for your work 🙏❤️
Thank you for so showing up so authentically to model what is possible for all of us. Looking forward to that book!
Thank you 🙏 really interesting & thought provoking
Thanks for doing this again. This talk about parent and adult children relationship discourse is so deeply needed. Patriarchy IS about disconnection, sadly. So this "honest" talk, that touches on so many hidden aspects, bringing them into the open, to "discuss" and mull over, is important in the healing of the many layers that disconnect this important relationship. Brings the "shame" out into the light that everyone has in this. You two have so much courage and vulnerability. As Brene Brown learned "you can't get to courage without walking through vulnerability" BRAVO for this, very difficult thing you two do. And a deep thanks
Like most people i was aware of Gabors work first, which helped me immensely (saved me to be more honest, or at least saved me a lot of time lets say that). But only having Gabor's words were not enough for me to "deal" with my mother which is the main "issue" in my life right now but having Daniels point of view so eloquently told, together with his insights (i am understating your work by putting it that way i know) gave me the tools to "deal" with my mother.. and it is actually happening! Still a lot of work to be done but, a lot, and i mean a. lot. of progress is being made and in a manner that is healthier and not as hurtful as it could be. I am tremendously grateful to both of you. I really cannot express how much both of you provided me. Thank you. Truly.
Im from brazil btw.
I was wrong.
Great to see you both engaging with this subject, it seems that it can only work if both parties engage in it and are ready to look at themselves with honesty. I cannot see my 87 years old parents ever engaging in self inquiry so will forever in their eyes be a source of worry by not following the family, religion, society... Pattern, of course it doesn't stop me from doing my work so I try not to repeat it with my own daughter, or/and to heal some of the things I did with her.
Will be looking forward to read this book.
Even with this much of honesty and ability to listen to each other, let’s don’t forget that both of you, knowingly or unintentionally, are protective of your images, and these images are also taking part in our relationships.
Hi Daniel & Gabor, thanks for this insightful talk. I definitely took some valuable wisdom from you both to reflect on further. A few things I pondered during your talk at various points that I thought to share in case it brings up anything for you:
1) You mentioned the comments (and judgements from others) in your previous videos and I can see even in this one, that assigns attributes to certain actions through the viewer’s own lens - while you may find something resonating in some of the comments, I hope you won’t dwell on others’ interpretations of your actions and assumed meanings behind them, because just as you both said in response to the last question, that no one other than the two people in the relationship can truly know what’s going on. There is so much history and unique roles and experiences in your relationship that no one other than the two do you can say what you experienced and felt in that room when you did the live video and interacted with each other.
2) building on the above, I wonder if there is also a somewhat unique dynamic that exists with a relationship like yours where one person is a public figure that others have an opinion on (in this case, I dare say mostly admiration and respect) while the other person have first and foremost experienced them as their father and not as the world famous Gabor Mate. Some of your audience may have a particular image of Gabor they are trying to uphold and reconcile with when watching your father-son interactions, and if what they see in these interactions challenge their held beliefs then they can react with disbelief (devaluing Daniel’s experiences & feelings) or defensive aggression (accusing Daniel of being disrespectful etc).
The other aspect that I’ve witnessed with my partner and his father’s interactions (his father held a very high position in the later parts of his career - had thousands reporting to him, very influential, well respected etc), and I wonder if could also be at play in your relationship (and it may not). Where the parent who in another aspect of life received and expected a certain level of respect, admiration, and the behaviours that reflects that (not being openly disagreed with, not being interrupted - and I imagine there are places and times when audiences would hang on to Gabor and my father in law’s every word and they would be given as much time to share their views as they wanted without interactions or disagreements), may find it jarring when they come home and receive an entirely different treatment - spouses that started their relationship with before they were a ‘somebody’ and children who grew up knowing them as ‘Dad’ or ‘Mum’ and didn’t give two toots about their career achievements. I’ve witnessed in my partner and his father’s interactions this ebb and flow of tension and recalibration, particularly as we got older and became parents ourselves with our own accomplishments and unique values to back up our views, and seeing this struggle with my father-in-law who seemed very uncomfortable with being challenged, interrupted or called out when he has made a mistake (understandably too! I’m certainly not judging him), while my partner struggled to find his voice and confidence to speak his truth without the fear of rejection or admonition from his father without being too loud and aggressive. My partner has done a lot of his own healing work since we got together, but in the beginning it was clear to me as a spectator that every time he went ‘home’ or interacted with his parents, his father in particular as he had a more dominant personality than his mother, my partner was reverting back to his inner teenage self in how he perceived things and how he reacted to things. These days they have gotten a better balance of their parent-child roles where my partner tries to bring his wiser adult self and approach the present moment with curiosity, and my father-in-law has definitely relaxed more and become more open to his son being an adult with his own unique wisdom and life experiences that have value. But they aren’t at the level of awareness and attachment repair that you have achieved both individually and collectively. And I see in their interactions these worn in patterns that generate the very behaviours that they find most triggering. My father-in-law wants to impart his wisdom with the good intentions of helping his son succeed in life, without being interrupted or allowing for a different set of values/priorities/opinions, which triggers my partner to react and show his frustrations about his father not seeing or hearing him or valuing his views - which comes across as interruptions in the conversation, a disagreeing comment that he would have worded more carefully if it was a different person sitting across the table, and this behaviour in turn adds ‘evidence’ to his father’s view that he is still immature and illogical. My partner has been working on increasing his awareness of those triggers and his behavioural tendencies, as well as how those behaviours isn’t helpful in creating a relationship that he wants to have with his father. Unfortunately his father isn’t very psych aware and falls into the category (at the risk of being reductionist) of older folks who find it too hard to confront their own vulnerabilities, and therefore seem to believe that they are the sane and wise one in the room with no mental health issues whatsoever 😅.
I wanted to share that to check if that resonates with your experiences, and also ponder what can be done by the child of that relationship (or it could be the parent if the child is not willing to work on themselves) to find some peace and equilibrium in the relationship if the parent is not willing or able to work on themselves. I also wonder if you will talk about grief in your book - the grief of a relationship or experience that you wish you had but didn’t have. I have an even more extreme personal experience with that but I might email you about that instead.
3) lastly, sorry this has been long - I’ve always been interested in how relationships change after (usually) the parent enters an advanced stage of dementia. I’ve heard from a couple of personal contacts about how their relationship with their parent improved so much since that parent’s dementia advanced so much that they didn’t even recognise their adult child, which changed the way that the parent interacted with that adult child. I was told the relationship became so much more pleasant - which suggests to me that dementia caused (in these cases) the loss of memories that encoded the person’s social response patterns to specific people. I became curious as to how I would relate to others if I also lost that memory - how much of my current personality and behavioural traits are ‘me’ and how much is the trauma. Just curious on whether you’ve looked into that area at all.
☺️
Thank you both, I love your talks together. I’ve been a huge fan of you, Gabor, for a long time and found so much support in your talks and books. I really appreciate you too, Daniel, that you are so honest in your sharings, showing your vulnerability. I get so inspired, both as an adult daughter and a mother of three adult sons. I’m really looking forward to the book and hope you will come to Scandinavia and have workshops. You are so welcome❤️
I'd love to know what you both think about the escalating numbers of adult children choosing to estrange from their parents. Whats that about and how can it be healed?
Congratulations on your courage, transparency and efforts. Well-done!
Loved this so much : reminds me of kids and parents I know and love.
Thank you for this discussion about a very relevant topic Gabor and Daniel.
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I’m just walking around a supermarket buying shampoo etc and as I’m hearing you both speak I’m thinking about the last disagreement with my mother. Then Daniel you said it, that when your personal life was not in a good space, you tolerated your parents a little less. But when your personal life was in a better place, you felt safe and positive, you were less triggered by your family. Thank you ❤❤ This tells me to look away at what my mother said that brought up negative feelings and memories and to look around me and jump back to work on me and my home environment. Thank you
I didn't know you two have a channel together! Awesome! Beautiful!
Outstanding conversation about a subject near and dear to me personally and professionally
I love how real the both of your u are. You do not see two intelligent highly intelligent men admitting to their AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS! I love you both and I cannot wait until this book is released. Thank you both for authenticity!
What I gathered for me as a parent from your talks regarding adult kids and parents are the following:
1. I need to acknowledge to relate rather than heal;
2. When it comes to healing, heal yourself first as a guilty parent then ready yourself to initiate a conversation with your adult kid;
3. If your adult kid says no contact with you , accept this no, but stay opened.
4. Your healing as a guilty parent is because you did not know better. Now, your kids cannot be re victimized by making them feel you've changed.
If you've changed , you've changed for yourself not for your kids. They will heal themselves on their own.
lol I love their willingness to be vulnerable and laugh the hurts off. Very brave!
Authenticity is unique to each personality. As each personality changes by doing the inner work, it heals and allows relationships to unfold naturally. Coming back to your true nature, love, light and non-duality. We are all a work in progress. Just like the characters in the movies you talk about. With the labels of father, mother, son and daughter there are hidden expectations, Co-dependence, a perfection of oneself as well as reflecting that out to the rest of your family members. Having the inner peace to BE you is the authenticity that is multi layered and is unfolding exactly as it is meant to while you both continue to work on your relationship. Thank you both for BEing you. Infinite Angel Blessings
In an unbelievable good way! 😊 It makes them human and relatable. They are on the road of recovery like everybody else. Those two have offered me so much wisdom and there is still so much to receive
Good words Daniel so much good insight to help others and this talk has helped me with my relationship with my daughter
Thank you for the reference to the movie and for your willingness to share this journey and relationship. I am the mother of a now 36 year old whose dad died when the child was almost 4 yrs old. I raised him as a single mom and pray for a closer- open relationship with time to come together as two adults.
Sometimes I have a hard time realizing where I begin and my immediate family ends, brother, my mother or sisters. I always thought it was because I over emphasize with them. I would always try to be there and try to fix it or them. Then when I had kids I stopped talking to them bc I didn’t have the energy. For along time I felt guilty and now I realize it’s okay. It’s bc of understanding myself through Dr Gabor. I’m a person that gets free therapy through these videos. Just wanted to say thank you!
If I'm ever granted the opportunity to have an have a honest and real conversation with my mom again, I truly hope it can go just half as well as yours do. My mom has distanced herself from me, by only accepting and responding to me through my step-dad's phone (via text messages). Sadly, it's been almost 2.5 years since we talked or seen each other in person. Obviously, I'm very disturbed by this! Since my step-dad was both physically and sexually abusive to me when I was a child. And now, I have to go through him to get to communicate with her? Mom is 76 and was in reasonablely good health the last time we spoke. I'm 57 and dealing with migraines and a Pineal tumor. I'm praying that your book hits the shelves while we still have enough time and a chance to heal our relationships...😢
Thank you both so much for your compassionate and genuine thoughts on how parents and children can come together after both have suffered from ACEs and traumatic experiences in their lives.
Trying to stay positive....
Thank you for this real expression of your healing process together as family. So helpful.
incredible honesty on incredibly hard things to perceive, let alone describe..... Thanks for being willing to do the work.
I read all of Alice Miller's books, so I was devastated for Martin to read about his childhood experiences. It just goes to show we are all victims of victims. As someone once said, "We all live in a burning house". - Thank you for your honesty together. Years ago, I was doing a course on Primal Therapy and was asked to write about my childhood and how it affected me. I had this on my desk, open, but not expecting my mum to come around. Shed did, and asked if she could read it. I agreed but was deeply uncomfortable. However, she apologised, which I was amazed at. However, she continued being the same as before until the day she died. So maybe, she really didn't mean that apology after all.
Daniel, your comment about how being in the present moment makes each encounter a fresh start was brilliant!! Thank you! Also, as the child of clergy (currently studying to be clergy myself), I can truly relate to the disconnect of having a “famous” parent.
So you are his favorite, Daniel. I love the wisdom that you have together. Please keep making them, everyone will eventually get it. HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS!
(that favorite thing was a joke. i think.) -Daniel
Love you both so much!! Thank you so much for sharing yourselves, your hardearned wisdom, your personal stories and your guidance. You are both truly a very precious GIFT to the world!
The Best teachers, you two❤❤. Thank you, always❤❤!
I realized while watching this is that what seems like a mundane, normal comment can be triggering for a child. And people looking at this conversation from the outside really can't make judgments as to what's okay and what's not okay for either one of you to feel. I realized this recently in a relationship that I had where this guy's comments seemed benign and maybe even healthy to an outsider, but to me they were loaded comments and completely unselfaware on his part. Bottom line is, if we aren't intimately part of a relationship, we can't accurately judge another for their reaction. Really makes me question our legal system, which only looks at what was said and not the impact.
I felt uncomfortable watching the previous video with the two of you and wondered why I felt triggered by it. I havent unpacked it yet, but with further exploration, I may learn something more about myself. Thanks to you both for sharing so openly about your experiences with one another. I think what you are doing is inspiring but something I would struggle doing myself ❤
You two are so helpful. So thought provoking. Thank you
really appreciate this. thank you guys so much!
Thank you for this conversation. It is small-t triggering to watch and listen to you both interact bc of my own issues; however, I so much appreciate your candor and vulnerability on such a difficult subject we all face.
As an adult, I am working on healing my own trauma responses. As I do this, I have kept in mind the traumas my own parents endured, along with their parents. Each parent individually dragging survival mechanisms into the next generation while mirroring the present social & political temperatures during their lives. It has really helped to hear about my parent's trauma, at least enough to get a better understanding of where they might be reacting as I gain understanding of my own hardwiring. Knowing how their traumas affected them, has helped me see how it affected me and my relationships. I hope you get into depth about the differences in experiences and expectation of each generation and what part those issues played in generational traumas.
Daniel you are really helping me. You are being very brave.
Thank you for sharing your pain and the resolutions you’ve arrived at. This is a micro reconciliation process. The Canadian family is going through a macro reconciliation. And sometimes it’s messy.
Looking forward to have your new book , love your thoughts Daniel and Gabor Maté ❤
Each generation has been "mocked" by the one before it. We have endured this. And it is belittling. Some pass on what was done to them and some try to find out what is going on, that would compel this mocking and belittling. POWER cuts people off. Patriarchy pushes POWER games. Easy to JUMP to "cutting off" and not working things through, on BOTH SIDES. Celebrating "cutting off" , even supporting it, is not the path towards healing. This also is not one sided. This walk out of this damage will take BOTH sides. This is no ones fault. This is systemic. This is a system that has birthed this damage. You two are doing this work of walking OUT through connection and communication and being curious. Facing this discomfort and not knowing. Finding spaces and places along the way that align and help make sense of this deep love and deep pain that this "system" has divided. Bravo.
I love this idea! Kudos to you both! My sis and I are fans!
You both are so funny
glad to see yall interacting
I learn a lot from connecting with the two of you together, along with tuning into your individual work that you do. Thank you.
Daniel, you can't imagine the relief I felt when the mixed emotions that erupted everytime my mother said something about her expectations about me, just disappeared 🙂 💛
It's like I'm the mother now 💛
You know, mother&daughter relationship is also very difficult, not only father's&son 🙂
Now I understand it's nobody's fault, it's the family's dynamic. It's the way I was fascinated by my mother, how I tried to follow her steps, how I suffered for not being the successful woman I thought she would expect, and how I ended up sabotaging my own opportunities for being successful in my own way 🙂
Dr Gabor Mate, listening to your videos on RUclips has helped to understand why I keep repeating the same movie, the same characters, the same scenes, the same end 💛
And believe me, I looked everywhere, and also meditate and do some Qigong 🙂
Thank you 💛