Midweek with Dr. C.- Standing Up To A Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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They accused me of hating people. I asked who they think I hate. No answer. I later wondered, who do they hate? I realised they were projecting. Then the sad, ominous truth came to me, they hate themselves.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
The "silent treatment" was like a vacation. I never could figure out why he thought I'd miss the constant whining, criticism and negativity.
That made me chuckle.
@@SurvivingNarcissism - I've never understood people being bothered by the "silent treatment". An annoying jerk NOT talking.. How could it get any better?
So funny and well said!!
The next time a Testament is written, a chapter should be for Saint Les. Yes.
Not quite sure I'm ready for that!!
🙏🏻😊👍🏻
"Narcissists thrive on conflict". They create it then blame you for it.
I think I'm going to go live alone in the woods.🙂
Go David and good luck.
Alone is better than them
Spot on
@@Jenifer_G I'd get some chickens and pigs.
@@davidJohnsonguitarguy David, make sense please.
Reaching a place of Radical Acceptance is when the real healing begins. To accept the truth for what it is- exactly as it is, will set u free. Accepting that they cannot change.
Best wishes!
That's part of the Serenity Prayer and a good reminder.
What makes a narcissist attractive as a person is their narcissistic confidence, and what makes a narcissist repulsive is their narcissistic confidence. They cast a spell, but it wears off.
Well stated!
You hit the nail on the head
So true!
Very well said!👍🏼
💯!
We all appreciate you being on the journey with us.
Thanks!
Yes we do
Prayers for healing for everyone here.
You have to be Little to Belittle.
Perfectly describes a narcissist character!
My narcissist insisted on imposing a different kind of "boundary" on me. I was to keep my mouth shut and allow myself to be physically and emotionally "imprisoned" by the narcissist. It was like being in jail, or just a doll that the narc could play with the way a child acts out with their dolls. EVERYTHING is on the narc's term, and they are very competitive.
A narcissist is like a two year-old kid, all emotion, and they cannot handle hearing "no" when they walk all over you. When they are frustrated in their control goals, they have a tantrum of some type, just like a toddler, and/or punish you in a passive/aggressive way. I suspect they learned from their primary caregiver: "Do and think and say what I want to hear from you or I won't love you any more." So they become very twisted and start behaving that way towards their scapegoat of choice, but turn the charm on to get what they want from more casual contacts. Yet they may tell people you are "close", maybe to give the impression to people they want for flying monkeys that they really love you and YOU are abusing THEM: "I''m so wonderful and so loyal, but they are so awful and they mistreat me all the time!"
They don't reason and negotiate and discuss points of view for a more harmonious relationship. They believe that because when they "feel" they are entitled to something, that means they ARE entitled to it. They don't recognize their immaturity, though someone may say of them, "He doesn't tolerate frustration well." They think, "I want X therefore I should have X, and if you don't give me X, then you hate me and you are a disgusting and horrible person." Just like a toddler!
My narcissist wanted to make me into an "empty doll" that could be played with and projected onto when it was useful to them, and then throw me in a corner when some "bauble" caught their eye.
I really turned my life around and stopped suffering over this situation when I realized that the narcissist I was once close to was the false face, the shell/make-believe persona that the narcissist learned to adopt to try to get approval from authority figures, like parents, teachers, neighbors, strangers. It made me profoundly sad, but realizing how sick and empty and troubled the narcissist is allowed me to move on with my life and breathe free for a change! What a relief! And I realized that I had not had any real fun with this person for years. I spent too much time watching my back. THAT's POINTLESS. I asked myself if I would have ever CHOSEN to be emotionally involved with someone I knew to be like this. The answer was "NOPE!"
I finally chose to have my say about something the narcissist didn't want to hear a differing point of view about, so I was discarded in a passive-aggressive way: no discussion about what I "did wrong", just a statement that I said something "offensive". I didn't beg and plead for any explanation, which is probably what they wanted.
If the buffet is empty, there is no point in going back for another helping. Ditto if the food is spoiled and poisonous. Find a new place to get a meal. Be glad and celebrate that you are no longer a prisoner!
this shows you think about your experiences and can see it for what it is - I’ve enjoyed reading it- got everything out of it though it would not have been enjoying as you experienced it- me neither
Thanks for responding ♥️🙂🇨🇦
Wow that was really something I hope you’re leaving. I love the metaphor of this buffet is empty!
It's like you lived in my house and watched what I've been thru! I so understand!!!
I used to dream I was in a concentration camp when I lived with my narc hub.
Yes the 2 year old mind set mine mine mine
“No does not mean No to them,” is absolutely true!
Especially when they begin their own sentences with “NO” ugh!
I once told my narcissistic Neighbor From Hell “no”, as I would not agree to his insistence that I work towards being a better neighbor to him. My husband and I were terrorized by him for the weirdest reasons: We planted California poppies instead of NFH’s desired Colorado columbines in our private back yard! Our builder caught him trenching onto our property and burying drainage pipe from his house onto our land, and tore it out after giving NFH 3 days to remove it. He was angry that one of our trees might - just might - create shade in the far corner of his back yard ten years into the future. Our UPS and Amazon packages, erroneously delivered to his doorstep, ended up in the construction developer’s dumpster. Yeah, the cursing language, and trash thrown from his yard towards us was epic. NFH was angry that we wouldn’t introduce him into our personal social circle, and because of that, he claimed we were responsible for slowing his career growth. What the flip! He actually ran out of insults, and couldn’t logically reason with me, so he boldly told me I refused to be a “better neighbor” to him because I’m “old”. I had to stifle a laugh. Pretending to be hard of hearing (after all, I am more than 20 years older than him), I asked him to repeat what he just said. Yep, he confirmed again that I’m “old”. I managed to repeat again that no, I had no interest in cultivating a neighborly relationship with him, and I walked away from him. Yeah, he continued to escalate his behavior - poisoning the wild rabbits that ran across our properties and throwing dead bunnies in our yard, killing our landscaping, blasting music & bright lights into our house, and finally setting up surveillance cameras pointed towards our windows. The law got involved and he was forced to remove them. We danced circles in our home when he sold his house and moved away!!
@@probablynot1368 What a psycho! Good riddance! Hope you are now enjoying some peace in your neighborhood.
@@Ck-vz4re We have been blessed with fantastic neighbors! What surprised me was that I began exhibiting signs of PTSD during and after NFH’s reign on terror. Both of us were so fearful of his threats that we bought a gun, took a safe gun-handling and concealed carry class from a retired police officer. Our house has a security system, including cameras, that captured images of the NFH on our property. NFH harassed us to the point of calling the police on US, reporting us for vandalizing his property. The officer sat with us in our home for 45 minutes as we described the terror we had been enduring. Surprise! The police knew about this guy, as he’d done the same thing to a neighbor in another nearby neighborhood before he moved next door to us. When the police reported back to him that we had supporting documents (airline tickets, hotel & gas receipts) that placed us nearly a thousand miles away from his house during the vandalism, he switched dates of the event. The PD suggested he keep to himself. They closed the false report of vandalism, but opened a new file on his harassment of us. He moved within a year. Dr C’s channel has helped me move forward in a very positive way. I’m now better able to recognize and mentally work through the lingering remnants of PTSD. These stories have become a source of laughter when we share them with our friends over BBQs or cocktails.
If you don't stick to your beliefs, boundaries and your word....
They'll eat you alive. As long as you allow those who are self
serving to intimidate you, they'll eat you alive. And it ain't easy to set
those boundaries, you have to protect yourself with an outer skin
They provoke the thing that makes you feel belittled by them time and time again because they love seeing you emotionally destroyed
Setting boundaries causes an ego death of sorts for the narcissist. They go through all of the stages of grief in reacting to my boundaries. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and acceptance. Setting boundaries is a "spiritual practice," not an event. You have to reassert your boundaries clearly and often. We set boundaries for ourselves, not the other person. The react with anger and all of the various tools in their toolbox, all of which used to work, to get you to comply. They are doing what narcissists do, using the various behaviors in their toolbox to gain compliance. Only when they've been through their entire set of tools, do they arrive at a point of acceptance. But, the second they detect weakness, they pull out their toolbox and try again.
That's true. I have to say it's been vaguely amusing to watch the stages unfold. Mainly the whole thing is just sad and painful, tho.
I'd love to trade this type of sorry amusement for genuine relationships with kind, mature, and healthy people
My 80 yr old mom and I have been listening for o your channel for many yrs now. My narcissistic dad passed this past May and now we are only left with my narcissistic sister. I wanted to take a minute and thank you for the plethora of knowledge you have provided for my mom and I over the past years. You have 2 huge fans on #TeamHealthy cheering you on from the sidelines 🙌❤🥰
Hello dear..
How are you doing today..?
Warms my heart, you have support in your recovery. 🧡 Happy healing.
Late to the party, as i am, nonetheless...me too. My mom and I are recovering from the effects of this , in our life and family. U all are not, never, alone....take care. Enjoy your life and love. I am very close with my mom. And she with me. It's the best! Blessings to you.
Hey Dr C. Thank you for this video. So the narcissist thought he was going to punish me by leaving the relationship with no closure no explanation so that I would come running back to beg him to tell me what was going on I flipped the script on him. It's been 3 years of absolutely no contact from me. He didn't get to give me the silent treatment, hoover me, blame me for his miserable life I blocked him and he can't get through to me. I feel so Vindicated and I watch you every single day Dr. C to keep me balanced when it comes to these narcissistic people. I want no parts of them. I am on team healthy
Dr.C your love and effort is much felt and appreciated! Many thanks!
Thanks so much, Fred!!
Our boundaries work regardless whether the narcissist approves or not. Our boundaries are for us. We are not going to change the narcissist by setting boundaries. Nope. Never! Not in this life-time! 😊🕊😊
These boundaries keep us from attracting new narcissists so keep enforcing them for you! They are a god send for me now after implementing a couple recently and going no contact to a toxic disrespectful friend! No regrets anymore feeling sorry for socially inept people! These boundaries work!!!
@@Juke582 Happy for you! As you know I am sure, each person's level of acceptance and level willingness is different. With some people we do have to go no contact with and others we simply accept, understand, and have epic compassion for them to the best of our ability. I no longer take any of their choices personally. They are just being them!
Now, it makes me laugh out loud even though it is also kinda sad, for them. Their brazeness is so over the top and unthinkable, to say the least. Just makes me scratch my head and be grateful to have different social skills. Walking away has definitely gotten easier over the years.
My Ex Narcissistic husband isolated me for years; First from my mother and brother, and then, when I finally did stand up to him for the first time in 40 years, he isolated me from my adult children by taking me 100 kilometres to another area that I wasn't familiar with, knowing that I had health issues. These narcissists are vile individuals, and feed off the vulnerable.
Over time you have to stand up to them. And it's not good for your health to be worn down like that all the time. Never felt better than to cut off the narcissist close to me. No more anxiety attacks! I like the way you present this information in a clear, comforting way. It can be pretty bleak/depressing sometimes thinking about narcissists in our lives and how hard it can be to change things. Your videos are so comforting in this regard. Bless you!!
That would be nice.
When I set a boundary, I don't draw a line in the stand and dare the other person to cross it. A narcissistic person will. When I set a boundary, I decide what I will and will not do. The boundary is for me not to cross for my own sake.
Well stated!
In my healing journey from codependency, I realized that I had to learn to prioritize my own feelings and let go of my attachments to my toxic family members. I ended the nonexistent relationships I had with my narcissistic brothers and also my own son who has alienated me from my grandson. As someone who has repeatedly had relationships with narcissists, I knew I had to be able to walk away from any relationship at any time. And to not get into relationships so quickly. But now I do also see them much more easily.
Good for you. Keep going.
Hello Stacy..
How are you doing today...?
@@Jenifer_G Thank you, I will, by blocking this one below.
It hurts to lose everyone who are these sick narcissists but it brings me peace! I am not angry or feeling extreme anxiety anymore and we just have to live our own life without them for our health! I try to realize my blessings each day without this torment! No greater relief than when I retired and left the horrible narcs at work in the dust to go live in peace far away! Peace be with you Stacy 🙏
@@Juke582 Thank you Mary, I am grateful to have a relationship with my daughter and granddaughters. I also focus more on the positives in my life and less on the negatives. Peace and love 🙏💖
"Don't make up excuses to stay with a narcissist because you have children with them, due to financial matters, or because you're afraid to leave. Get some help right away! You deserve so much better!
💙RUclipsr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
"
Agreed.Run for your life and the lives of your children.
Yes, but to put oneself on the street is also dangerous. Think and plan first and formost.
As long the family courts favor women/mothers then it’s double edged sword for most dads/men.
Thank you for offering me deliverance from this plague... and showing me change. Please speak on sibling narcissism.
Yes, please do.
Ditto to speaking on sibling narcissism!
I am going to class three night a week one for Boundaries, one for 12 steps, and one for Recovery, I'm 90 days sober and now my nars says I'm just doing everything I want to do and have no time for him...uh yeah I'm getting myself healthy for the sake of all my relationships...he's making me out to be selfish because I'm seeking help. Ehh so frustrating!
Your sobriety is vital to your recovery. Those who see that as a threat reveal themselves as hostile to your recovery. Treat accordingly. #teamhealthy all pulling for your success.
I applaud you! Keep going, yours taking care of yourself so YOU can have health & healthy relationships. Be strong, get a strong sponsor and keep going!
You are doing great! 90 days is wonderful! You are taking care of you, keep it up. 🧡
you go girl♥
Health threatened their system. There are all these rules they have against getting healthy help, finding your awesomest self, caring for you as you would for another. I call those rules against health "Sealing the Exits." But once you've seen the beam of light, you get it! You're outside the system and growing always.
I’m in the final month of having to deal with the narc, I’m moving out.
Sometimes I just let him rattle on with his rants and totally ignore him which then get more intense the more I don’t respond and he ends up making a complete fool of himself. Sometimes I just sit and smile and he goes ballistic or I whistle when he’s talking nasty and I walk out the room.
Other times I answer back and he goes into panic mode as he can’t deal with the truth he is hearing. I gave him a few home truths last Friday morning and I’ve never seen anyone run out of a house that fast. 2 hours later he came back here threatening that he will take me to court. I told him to do it, he totally freaked out, what he doesn’t know is I’ve been recording all his rants and rages since the end of June this year and I have 97, yes 97 of them so far. He can take me to court if he likes. 🙄🙄🙄
oh my God!
We’re in the same place.
I think I may have more than 97 though
LOL!
More than 20 pga when printing for sure.
Message me back
Would love to share
Hang in there
You got this!
@@lgarelick brilliant. I will do tomorrow as very late here and working in the morning.
Just heard him on the phone to the new victim, he’s using the same crappy lines he did me, a lot of what he said to her, I have the texts he sent me.
I’m not even out yet and he was inviting her to move in after only knowing her 3-4 weeks. I heard him say something about her looking at a house to buy or a cottage to rent and how they could consolidate, so maybe he won’t be in this house for long, I predicted that, we only bought it 5 months ago.
I'm dealing with the same nonsense. The narcissist threatened to call the cops on me! 😅
@@andrewsmith3257 I’m sorry you are going through that. If you can record them on your iPad or phone, it’s proof of what’s going on.
That’s what stood out to me when I was in that situation, it was me who went to the Police after he threatened me and lodged a complaint. He told neighbours I had done it to him….funny how HE didn’t go to the police.
He’s now on the nationwide Police database, so now that he’s moved away, should he do it again and a woman reports him, he’s already highlighted and hopefully they will contact me as a witness should it go to court. They think they have everything all planned so well. 🙄
"I am not good at not being me" The entire relationship is abuse because they are wanting others to go along with their delusional brainwashing regarding their gimmick of a persona. My authenticity and sincerity prevent me from being able to play their game.
🤣Dr C should be a comedian, his portrayal of the There's God and then there's Me! (mini god narc)
Thanks, Dr. Carter: My sis uses one of two responses when you decline to participate in something. It's either "You can't say "No"", or the predatory stare and silently walking away. She has retaliated by telling people in businesses, banks, etc. that I'm crazy. I have a college degree and worked for two major corporations. She doesn't stop.
Isn't that infuriating? You won't play her game, so she trashes your reputation!
I'm so sorry. i would cut her off. malignant narc. Warn people about her sabotaging you.
I had one who tried to negotiate with a business as if me - and when they found out this was not me, they were even more displeased than I was. It was their bad that this was possible, so the business owned the problem. New security measures followed.
This sadly sounds eerily familiar!!
It's exactly what my narc sis did. It's like Dr c has provided us with a playbook of everything they put in the play. Thank you for commenting.
I had to cut off all contact with my mom and sister. After years of trying to set boundaries and standing up to their abuse. Mom is routinely trying to hoover me through guilt; she is very covert and manipulative. As she is getting older, in her ‘80’s, the thought of her passing is a real point of contention. She has been asking me for YEARS if I would ‘work’ with my sister regarding the after effects of her passing and I have always said ‘yes’. Get your paperwork in order and I am prepared to sign in accordance to your wishes’ She still has NOT gotten her paperwork to her attny; like I said its been ongoing for at least 5-6 years. My new issue is my husband of 34 years has been telling me to basically bend to the knee so I wont lose any inheretance-he doesnt want my neice to get it all leaving nothing for our children.. I dont care if Im ommitted from her will!!! I have all I need in life, but I really dont know what to do or how to handle this. Any advice is welcome and appreciated. As a side note, when I realized what I was dealing with, both mom and sister, almost destroyed my relationship with my daughter. So, all the standard behavior that comes with one ‘waking up’.
My husband was quite about the things he was doing, but my daughter has moved me out here to Texas & she is the most hateful ,controlling witch on Earth. Between the stress of losing almost all my belongings in California, the death of Robert , it has become to much for me. She has me living in a RV out in the boonies & I am here by myself except for her & I feel like I'd rather end what's left of my life then live with her constant control & stress she causes every time I'm around her* Tell me what to do about her* Please. Thanks & A good video as always* Bless You
It was incredible to me how the nex family members could be held in high regard and we would have to be completely available for them if they had any mental issues. But when it was one of my family members, they were demeaned, degraded and completely discarded! That was a NO from me!
My husband tried so hard to alienate me from my family. He would rage at me if I referred to where I grew up as "home" and said that my home was with him so I am not allowed to use that word to describe where I grew up. He would insult both me and my family constantly, saying things like "you do xyz so badly just like your mom/dad/sister etc." And say they were such a bad influence on me for a variety of reasons so I shouldn't spend time with them. It worked for a little while but not long term and I am now living in my "home" with my parents after 6 years of awful marriage.
They will never agree. They just won't. They can't. They cannot see, they cannot understand. They will not. According to them, I am and always will be wrong. Leaving that hell respectfully or in total frustration doesn't matter to them. Explanations do not matter, except perhaps as ammo for them to argue and continue their agenda. Leaving, completely, and staying gone, makes no difference to them, but works wonders for yourself, and the Life that YOU have been given.
Hello Jean...
How are you doing today...?
I agree Dr. C..I've always believed it blasphemous using God to bully others..
#TeamHealthy Love you Dr. C
Thanks, Nina!
I’ve not heard about a narcissistic daughter! My abuse has been going on for years but I’ve just figured out she is what she is and will never apologize or accept mine for perceived wrongs! You have helped me see what I need to have a peaceful life! I am 80 and she is 54! I’m determined to have peace in my life, however long it may be!
Sadly I’ve had to recognize this in my own daughter recently. I understand it’s origins, nevertheless I’ve had to minimize contact with and not allow myself to be vulnerable with her. Not easy yet I, too, am determined to have peace. Because -it’s become quite obvious she will continue until or unless I am a wreck. Nope. Indeed boundaries are absolutely necessary.
I’d also like to add - my daughter has found flying monkeys in two of three family members I live in close proximity to, my mom and my oldest brother. And all which Dr. C described is the behavior I am experiencing and have been for particularly the last two years. It’s quite clear they want to punish me for having different perspectives, choices and preferences. Then try to punish me for not kowtowing to their behavior. Instead I have kept to myself which also generates hostility. I am “self isolating”… hmmm. So now they have determined what I am doing and it’s “selfish”. All this after using abusive language as a way to demoralize and demean. It’s not working. I found solid ground and am not budging. I will stay with my convictions and values despite their attempts to thwart my peace.
What have you done to maintain your peace. I heva a narsassitic brother who is horrible to my mom. What advice can I give her.
He lives at home because he has no money
@@songriver1232 I have found clarity about the issues and motivation of narcissistic ppl. Spent a lot time in self reflection which is not easy but well worth the time and effort. I have discovered I am good with me- I no longer need approval from other ppl. Why might that be you may ask? Because the only relationship which truly matters is my relationship with Jesus Christ our LORD and Savior. Took me six decades to discover this truth, peace now prevails because I trust and have faith in the unseen and of promises kept. So for those whom don’t have these same values- well- that’s a personal journey. I truly hope for the best for everyone- may you find peace in your hearts!
@@songriver1232 I would also add- I minimize my time with folks whom have a tendency to use demeaning and demoralizing language with me, they don’t seem to understand why I have chosen to keep my distance as much as possible. It’s unfortunate in one respect, however, I’m not willing to compromise my well being, values and integrity to satisfy someone whom can never be satisfied with my choices and preferences. It’s certainly not my responsibility to please another, this doesn’t include being rude and uncooperative. It means standing my ground with dignity and self respect. A skill which takes time to learn. Most of us have never learned this as an effective way to communicate. Have patience with yourself dear one, it is my sincere hope you will stand up for yourself with the due respect you deserve. Doesn’t mean disregard for others perspectives but keeping our own sense of self intact in the midst of insanity. Take care, Dr. C is wonderful and a blessing to our world! He can help you sort out these dynamics which ail you… you are NOT alone!
D B ...their jealousies can turn siblings against the loving parent. They control siblings and punish ... Its horrific
Oh boy. I have a lot of very toxic dangerous relatives etc. In some cases it is a very good idea to cut off relatives to protect your children from harm. I know both sides well My mother and maternal relatives constantly bad mouthed my father's side of the family and my mom would call them mean and names and pressured me to the point of fear of reprisal if I should contact them. The fact of the matter is that my father's side were very kind and my maternal relatives were sneaky, thieves, manipulative dishonest and grossly abusive. I kept them away from my children. I wish I moved to a different country.
Hello Elizabeth...
How are you doing today..?
5:34 "boundaries...don't assume that it doesn't work just because they *'remain narcissistic' ".*
They just step up the abuse, big time.
Exactly! Even when you go no contact, they come back at you. I’m to the point of filing a restraining order. I have told the narc sibling not to call me, contact me, or show on my doorstep. To her that’s a challenge, and she is predictable. She will show to try and stir the pot to destroy my peace.
When I confronted my narc ex friend, I knew nothing about narcissism, however on reflection the words I used summed her up, manipulative, greedy, using people for all she could get. Not to mention she was vain yet possibly the most insecure person I'd ever known. Has anyone else noticed that narcissists have absolutely no natural interest or curiosity? Not necessarily about other people, getting to know them, etc, but also generally? I think you touched on this in your video.Thank you again for your work Dr C! #teamhealthy 🙏
Yes! I always thought that so odd about my narc. She would plot and scheme against me and others, but she seemed to have no interest in personal improvement. She had no hobbies, skills, or talents. She would say she wanted to learn to fix things, use tools, play instruments, etc., but then exert almost ZERO effort into any of those arenas. Its as though they are a one trick pony with a one track mind, and that sole distinctive they posses is narcissistic abuse.
This is a really good observation!
There's this episode today that has been bugging me. If I can just process this with you here. When abuse gets dressed up in jokes. And it may be very difficult to detect. And it may be easy to laugh at it at first. And then I realize, wait a minute, that's NOT funny at all! That was aimed at and targeted at me. In a very disguised way. And the other people in the room may not see it. But I do. I know that that 'funny' thing is to be traced back to something that has to do with me, the way I look, a vulnerability, the way I do a sertain thing and now it's being spotlighted in front of others. And cruely made 'funny', so EVERYONE laughs at it. And then even worse: why did I smile at that!!!! I was on to it, I knew it, and yet...That felt so wrong! I need to be ahead and not in delay for stuff like that! Feels good to get that out. Thank you. Siri.
sometimes they can catch you off guard. since I have been listening and learning to dr. C, the one in my life no longer catchs me off guard, I am expecting things even before they
do it. Even before I found this channel, once there were 3 of us in the room, and the narc thought they were funny talking about someones appearance, I didn't laugh. the other person did and she looked at me with a smirk and said don't you ever laugh......I said not at someone else's expense. She still continues to try get get me to fall for it all the time, saying look at that person's looks, actions whatever to try to get me to laugh with her....I just roll my eyes say to myself sigh and shrug my shoulders. Don't take it personal, they do it to everyone.
Used to when I would take up for the person they were smearing, she keep saying why are you always defending them ....like how dare you, now still I take up for them sometimes, then sometimes I just grey rock, its never ending.
@@vickioliver1098 yeah. And credit to you for not laughing. I'll keep preparing and be awaring. And I'm just not going back to that class. Or any other of her classes. This was an instructor at the gym. I've been noticing for a while now. And what happened today is unacceptable to me. Walking away. In time.🎈
@@cosmos1927 and there is just no end to how low their aim is either. I can't treat myself that low. Credit to you for keeping your smile for better ways.🎈
Siri, as a joke teller, I have the continual burden of second guessing every single joke I tell. Wry wordplay and self-deprecating humor have become my trademark. But I have seen the cruel humor that mocks and ridicules people. And I’ve seen their pain in it.
Humor isn’t supposed to cause pain. If it does, it isn’t humor at all.
@@aaronkwolfe I don't know anything about how you put your words into action.
I don't think that joy is supposed to be either a burden or selfdepricating.
I've been struggling with the whole Gray Rock/Going Dark aspect of this. As a Christian, it feels very un-Christian to not work it out. My pastor sent me this verse yesterday: "As much as it is UP TO YOU, live at peace with everyone." - Romans 12:18
She added this comment: "I feel you’ve done that. Now you need to have healthy boundaries and not allow anyone to treat you poorly. It seems to me that’s where you are."
Very validating to me dealing with a manipulative sister who is now into her smear campaign of me. Four members of her family unfriended/blocked me on FB. I am done. DONE.
Also wanted to add a big Thank You to Dr. C for his help. I love his videos and just bought his book. Very, very helpful.
2 Corinthians 6:14-17
King James Version
14 "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you."
*This is God understanding what happens when you stay with someone who is hurting you.. This shows how opposite the two and why it won't work.
Be free and be at peace..
Jan 🕊
I just needed to say that even this this is from a year ago I needed to hear it today. I stumbled yesterday with one of my adult children and ended up defending myself. I fell back into old patterns. I spent the whole night feeling totally unsure; the self-doubt was huge. My thoughts went right back to “this must be me, there is something wrong with me or they would not all be this way”. The other part of me told me that me feelings aren’t wrong; they are what they are. Struggling to believe me. I just want you to know you just validated that it is OK to believe my own instincts. Thank you so
Much!
They are used to you relenting to begin with. There is no relationship with them that ever didn't require you relenting parts of you.
Dear Dr, bless you. You're good people ❤️
Boundaries are for us to stay true to ourselves? I did things the way I have always done things...such as paid bills on time...get grocery once a week...buy meat once a month...do laundry once a week...do the dishes every few days or as needed...make dinner at the sametime every night...watch my shows every week...Bible Study every Wednesday night. Had to move back home to live & care for my mother. I didn't know she was a Covert. All of a sudden everything I did was wrong...I was wrong...I was being abused and didn't know what the heck was going on. I stayed true to who & how I did things, but she would out right steal from me (things I noticed) or steal from me passive-aggressively. The more I stayed true to myself the more she came at me. I would hide and/or lock things up, but it didn't stop her. Her backlashes got so bad with the verbal, emotional, mental abuse I would pray to God to take me. I became so afraid, but I couldn't move out because I had no money & no where to go. I use to trust myself before I moved back home, now I don't! I never caved into her way of thinking, but I paid a price none the less. I started Grey Rocking her and things got worst. Then she passed away about a month later. I lost more things than I can count...most of all, I lost my sense of peace...inter peace...I am still finding things missing because locks don't seem to work with narcissists. I have night terrors and anxiety attacks...it seems I get trigger everyday. I will say, Dr. C saved my life. If you set boundaries with a narcissists you live with be prepared because they come at you in ways, you never would think of. I must had done something wrong because I stayed true to myself so I thought...💔 I do want to thank you Dr. C because you were a light when I was in complete darkness.
The silent treatment.... I will never take that bait again from now on. Thank you.
Great advice. I am trapped in one room while my fiancés at work until we can move out soon. We live with his narc mother. I am afraid to go to the bathroom. I cant cook anymore. We tried grey rocking for two months then she randomly came into the kitchen when I was cooking and yelled and cursed at us that we cut her out. I'm not even related to her. My own parents who are narcissist wouldn't even yell or curse at me for not talking to them as much. I don't know what his mother thinks I owe her. It is bizarre. Another time I had tried to tell his mother how I felt she put garden needles into her arms. Making me even more afraid to say how I feel. She is very controlling, manipulative, and selfish. Even when things were normal we couldn't cook or leave the house without wanting to know where we are going, what we are cooking, how to make it better, what ingredients she has etc. She has completely made me a prisoner in one room of the house. When we would walk down the stairs she would immediately jump up and come talk to us and try to get any information as possible. I'm so tired of being a prisoner I cannot wait until we move out.
Dr. C.....
There was something you talked about in another video that always resonates with me. The narcisstist is bent towards destruction but as a person of dignity it is my choice not to follow this person to destruction . Emotional Detachment served me well. He did self destruct but I am still here and now completely intact emotionally. Thank you for your guidance and validating me. I can remember that through the yrs with this person.....I would say over and over....to myself I am not CRAZY.....but he is and was. Thank you again for all your wisdom! Kudo's to you and Guss!!!
Moving forward in North Carolina with a HAPPY HEART. WALKING IN MY BOUNDARIES!!
Hi Doctor Carter my Sister had been very diffcult to get along with for many years until i came accross your videos online wow they say Knowledge is power i now have no contact with her and feel so much better keep up the good work Doc
Thanks for this good feedback!
Thank you! Dr Carter; this was a good Topic today. When you see you can't unsee! When you know you can't unknow! When you wake-up from a Narcissist world; the Clarity of understanding like a Oh my God! Now I understand why I have been reacting the way in which I've been in my life! I've been with dealing with the abuse of Narcissist my whole life! And yet here I stand in my integrity ,Truth, and I am not defined by what they think of me and just maybe being raised by a Narcissistic Mother prepared me on how to stand up to the X-Narcissistic husband! Because I choose not to be bitter nor resentful I no longer give space in my mind and Spirit to someone who is lost in there own darkness! I may be stuck living with this very manipulative disturbed person, but I trust when the opportunity is presented to me to move out I will with confidence walk out the door and not look back,, nor will I never again Question my Athority over my own life!! Prays I make it! Much Love&Light many Blissings and successes Namesta 🙏💜 prayers for Peace among all peoples around the world!
Hello kathryn...
How are you doing today..?
I feel the setting of boundaries is the absolute essential first step in that helps you define who you are and what you want in your life going forward. Narcissists who might have known you a long time, whether friends, family or a spouse, will notice this immediately. A CHANGE! And they will probably react with rage and a desire to hurt/punish you but there might be some people, maybe a scant few, who might have the flexibility to work with you so the relationship can continue in some capacity, be it a lesser capacity.
But with others, boundaries can be the initial stepping stone to this relationship ending and disappearing from your life. Your new found knowledge of yourself will make it crystal clear sometimes that this is the wrong person for you, there is no basis for anything approaching a two sided and respectful interaction and understanding between you--and it is high time to distance yourself, lose the emotional connection, ALLOW yourself to stop caring in the same way…. and move foreword without this person.
THAT’S EXACTLY IT! The arrow in quiver analogy. Told my therapist about it, the endless attacks.
Thank you, Dr.Carter for helping me understanding my Narc sister. She has been a thorn in my side for year's. I realized from learning from you how destructive
she has been to me after years of just forgiving her over and over again. Not any more! Now that I've stood up to her she is playing the victim game to the rest of my family .because I'm gray rocking her and not taking her bs anymore. She doesn't have the guts to come to me directly to face her false self! Unfortunately the “Holidays “ with her in the room will be uncomfortable but I'm sticking to being my peaceful self because of your guidance! Thanks again.
Man it's not wonder I legitimately felt like I was losing my mind every waking moment. I've been stuck with a narcissist since quarantine (they used the lockdowns to their advantage to keep me more trapped.) I cut out all of my friends and family right at the start of quarantine, this was also used as a ploy against me.
It's no wonder I am always second guessing and explaining myself when it is absolutely not necessary. It helps a lot to know and see that I'm not the only one has gone through something like this. I will be seeking therapy very soon. Thank you Dr. C
I so appreciate your counsel. I did not know what I was dealing with until I viewed several of your videos. Thank you. It’s so true that narcissists thrive on conflict. Sad.
My narc mother invited my brother and me to dinner at her place and laid down the rule of “no political talk.” I was okay with that... but she does have a long history of gossiping about others at these family dinners, so my expectations were low for quality conversation.
I was observant of the topics she brought up... and wasn’t surprised when she out of the blue asked me if I’m ready to throw away a painting I made as a child that’s still in her house. (A painting I was very proud of at ten years old.) I ended up rescuing the painting, but now it’s just a reminder of what a jerk she is.
I love that. You have to be little to be little
absolutely
How do they get away with non-accountability? I believe they see the world as a chess game-board. They quietly scout out who the authentic sacrificial lambs are, who the potential flying monkeys are, and just how to spin the entire group. Then they make their move. Sadistic.
In my opinion
Your comment is spot on
Absolutely not going to feel sorry for being who I am! Makes me want to just break out and do happy dance instead! 🤸🤸♂🤸♀
Dr C did a video on family as a cult with Meredith...? Excellent
You have been a Blessing to me, Dr. C. Thank you
You are very welcome
I was thinking, Dr. C 🤔 - Saying to fear the narcissists feels to me as if it is giving them too much mental and emotional real estate. I would much prefer to use the word wary. Be wary of the narcissists. Another great video-thank you and blessings to the three of you from California! 🕊
I tried setting boundaries with my elderly mother and my narc older sister and her flying monkey younger sister and was instantly banned from my own mother's property. That was almost 3 years ago and I haven't heard from a single one of them. I might be easier to set boundaries with just one but there's no way I can do that with three or four. There isjust no way possible I'm ever going to have a normal family relationship with my own mother. Looking back in my past family history none of it was healthy.
I know the feeling. Going through something similar.
The reason for most domestic disputes and violence.
That's just crazy. I dont get selfish people. My son is a narcissist. It got so bad I just had to cut him off.
Painfull as all hell but necessary for self preservation
Very sad.
oh my goodness this one was excellent. I wish I could express just how much you dr. C, Jennifer, Gus and each and everyone of you here mean to me. You are all a God send.
Thank you so much. Go Team Healthy Go 🤸💗🐶
Hello Dr Carter ❤️ just stopping by to listen to your wisdom for a while cuz you're my RUclips father figure. ❤️ Hello from beautiful San Diego👋
I am not a huge techy person but the BEST THING EVER is I can speak my mind to him WHILE HE IS BLOCKED.... no response comes to me and my friends THAT'S THERAPY ON STEROIDS
Yep!
@@SurvivingNarcissism however the person doing what I mentioned must also be at the point of releasing the results and still doing their own personal deep dive, realizing closure and healing occurs only when the victim chooses to face their own mirror (that is not self-blaming for others behavior btw) and realize that energy focused on their own worthiness and trajectory forward is truly when "CYCLES' break. SEASONS do not offer change, only honest introspection without judgment and taking time AWAY FROM external validation means, however that looks, and be willing to DATE YOURSELF, love yourself enough to never REDRAW the lines in the sand, BOUNDARIES FOLKS BOUNDARIES, something I wish I understand decades ago as I do today.
Same. I blocked my sis on my cell, so she started calling my landline. Of course, I didn’t answer, so she made her demands that I return gifts, which I only took because she insisted. It’s hilarious because she knows it’s a recording. Her voice is sugar sweet and polite, as if she never said the trash talk to my face the last time I saw her when we were alone together. However, she still demanded the return of gifts. Bizarre and crazy making. There’s no end to the attempts to control. I have walked for the last time. No contact is the only solution. She needs conflict; she wants to see people pushed over the edge.
Thank you for your brave comments about God talk.
So true. The greatest suffering I endured ( after being nominated mother and spouse of the year 2012) was the bad mommy , terrible wife slander. Which was then codified in court order. Devastating.
My X narc hub was a drama king.
One of many experiences I had with him was this...I wanted to get my hair cut. We agreed to a just past the shoulder length.
So, when I was out with a friend shorty after we had agreed on my hair, I decided to go ahead and have it done. When I got home my hub was furious. He thought I should have called him to let him know before I had it cut that day. He said "it was like I stabbed him in the back". 🥴
That's what my mom is like now 80. When I was 16 I had a friend at work who was also my boss and at the time I saw her as a mentor a gran figure as she was older than my mom and my gran died when I was young. My mother was jealous contemptuous and disdainful, like I'd stabbed her in the back. She acted like a child. Turned out his lady wasn't a nice person but at the time I needed a mentor as loosing my gran and having a mom who barely spoke to me I needed a connection but instead of trying to get to know me support me talk to me my mom did her passive aggression bit. Despite everything she let happen to me growing up she still felt entitled to be cruel. They expect our loyalty but aren't loyal in return
@@bereal6590 I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it is like to be raised by a narc parent.
I love this scripture verse from Isaiah. When your mother and father forsake you, the Lord will take you up. ❤
So is it common that the narcissist is so competitive, self righteous and demeaning that you feel hatred towards them and then the next time they're so nice and kind that you feel guilty? My Mom is the narc which is really difficult because I want to be a good daughter but I really don't like her and don't want to be around her and she needs company 24/7 (so she can get her energy fix, I imagine.. Energy vampire) I'm in my 60's so you'd think I'd be able to deal with this but I just moved back to the same town after being gone 20 years.
Yes, I felt exactly the same about my father, it got to the point I couldn't stand being around him, I'm 46 and have recently found my voice, I respectfully told him i didn't want to be around him anymore, he emotionally abused me for years as a child and teen and sided with the boy who sexually abused me, only regret is not going no contact sooner, he's cut me off now because I obviously caused a narc injury but I have peace
Welcome to the right channel! No matter what kind of narc you have.
@@mammabear4334 Glad you got away from him. I'm sure it feels much better.
I have to say my childhood finally makes some sense. Learning about narcissism has helped me understand why I never felt Love from my Mother and why she always kept our Dad away from us, saying he didn't care about us. I am very thankful to Dr. C !!!
After 51 years of relationship with a narcissitic father, who screw up the family business we use to have as inheritance of my grandfather, sueing his old brother, he then gossip and contaminated the few members I use to still have contact with. Now that he is old, and I have cut all sort of contact for my health and peace of mind, I know him so well, and I can perceive his feelings towards me, that I can perceive a sort of twisted mental agenda for me after his departure. Because of an accident I had 4 years ago, and I couldn't walk for almost a year, I became dependent on his support, which I know perfectly he doesn't do it for me, but to show himself up before everyone as good.
My question here is: Am I being too paranoid with this sort of thinking? But as I said before, he has been my entire life like this, that it is as if I could read his mind clearly.
Thank you Dr. C once again for such good explanation and good wishes.🙏♥️🔥
Here are my thoughts on the second question, the first boundary I set with my mother I did it through an email. My therapist and I crafted it together and then I asked her can you honor this? She said yes, but I am not holding my breath. But down the road I will be able to say, you said you would honor this. The other day I called my son and literally read my boundary to him because I was so nervous. But I did it! I am good with small steps. These small steps will lead to more and bigger steps in standing up for who I am and what I believe in a polite and calm matter. Only took me 60 years, but I am finally standing up for me! Thanks for standing with me Team Healthy, it is appreciated.
Early on, my sister said, he thinks he's better than us. I defended him for many years, but eventually I saw it too.
Hello Dr. Carter. Thank you for your wisdom you share with us. You helped me a lot to understand all the chaos going on. Thank you! 🤗💐 I get my life back 🐣 and will swim like a fish who escaped from the net 🐟
You are quite welcome, Bohu.
I had an event with a narc who used verbal abuse on me on the job, and then having found themselves in error, they approached me, grabbed my face and looked at me like I was a child to overpower and said " i was just joking'. I replied, I know what gas-lighting is and pulled my face free, the narc then grabbed my face AGAIN, and repeated her statement. The next day I went to my supervisor and revealed the event and asked if I could speak to the narc about their overstepping their bounds, I was given permission. I spoke to her, but she had her 'lacky' with her,, and when I confronted her with the verbal abuse she said she didn't say what she DID say (of course). So I said, its irrelevant anyway, BUT my body IS MINE, and you are not allowed to handle my body without MY permission. She accepted the boundary. I think she did this because she KNOWS she can't argue the physical reality because of video from the store records. I am leaving her territory to move on with my life, and I am concerned for others that she will manipulate or try to manipulate, but I know my supervisors are aware of the games. The event was good for me, to practice setting boundaries and knowing I have the right ignore and reject this person's attempts to manipulate me.
Yes . The isolation was the power of the narcissist
Has anyone ever had a narcissist for a financial advisor? Someone who is condescending toward you and plows ahead with their strategy despite your initiatives?
Thank you soo much! You are saving so many peoples mental and physical health!!! ❤️
Thank you Dr C for sharing your wisdom about narcissism. I’ve left a narcissist after a 25 year marriage and healing is taking some time and I’m making a lot of progress. I’ve just realised the isolation from your family can be covert rather than overt. My in laws are strongly narcissistic and this side of the family dominated our lives. I was able to have contact with my side of the family but first preference and the majority of time was with the in-laws. I now realise the dominance was a way of reaching the same outcome, just not saying it outright. This was also very characteristic of how they operated. Well I figured it out and I’m safe now. I’ve also been able to pass it forward and recommended to a friend to watch your channel and they have found great comfort in the information and validation of what they are going through. I look forward to your next video.
At work listening as the tape plays. I appreciate your responses Dr. Carter. I feel cared for here. Thank you.
Thank you for taking on the religious side of things. That’s a hard one for me and what you said makes perfect sense.
You're welcome.
I've been watching you for 3 years now I so wish that I could be one of your clients
I'm so glad YT gives me the platform to speak into therapeutic topics. Keep learning, and thanks for allowing me on your path!
I noticed after dealing with a blow up text from my boyfriends daughter that everything she was saying about me were really negative things about herself that they were projecting on to me. At first i was dumbfounded and kept saying where is this coming from until I came to that realization. Only then could I get rid of my anger and hurt and start realizing it was a character flaw in her and feel sorry for her because she must have a lot of pain inside of her.
Come back Gus.I’m in crisis.
Thank you for your videos. I have been away from the narcissist for 2 1/2 years and still need to learn how to be myself. The person I was, is not the person I wanted to be. I have finally learned that the person I am now, is a wonderful kind woman.
Thankyou so much Dr. C. My mother is a covert narcissist and her husband is overt and they together bullied so much together it was a horrible nightmare. They are Bullys and beat me down .You validate so much and the knowledge has been so powerful Thankyou Dr.C 🤗
I am so grateful for your help. My ex husband was overbearing and u help me understand my personal rights. You can't change your abuser but u can walk away. That is indeed possible
Hi Team Healthy! Glad for this one today. Trying to whip my way through the weeds w/ my Ex Spouse. Waiting for this person to just randomly pop up again and be ugly. Needed this today!! Grateful for our team and Dr C., for you! Thank you for practical tips for dealing with this in my own life. ❤❤
Thank you so much - this is such an important message you are getting across here. It reinforces what's so right. It takes courage to stand up to the narcissistic bully but it's right for us to do it and in my opinion yes, the narcissist will probably get angry but they also often think twice before trying it on again with you. They are still going to be narcissistic.
My (ex) husband would have put "us" in deep debt. He quit his job and refused to get another one.
I canceled all the joint credit cards, and sent the official letter to every company telling them I'd accept no new charges after the date of receipt, cut up all the credit cards, opened a new bank account in my name only, had my paycheck auto deposited, and closed the joint account.
I couldn't make him find a job but I could keep him from dragging me down financially.
Once I had that boundary, the rest was easy. Of course, I was "lucky" he liked the money I made. It gave me a "safe" place with people who appreciated and cared for me.
Did he like it? No. Did he try everything to suck me in? Yes. Did he try to make me out to be the bad guy? Yes. Did I care? Nope.
If he's already making me miserable, how much more miserable can I be? I figured not much. I was right. He was already abusive.. so he didn't have too much to escalate to.
Thank you. I am just a new member and learning. I believe I married a Narcissist 7.5 years ago. I thought I was going crazy. Now I see what was happening to me. I am so thankful for your videos.
Keep learning, Lori!
Hello Lori..
How are you doing today...?
Dr. Carter, thanks for a wonderful video. It was very therapeutic! Great support for those of us who just need a slight push to become who we are meant to be. Be well. 🥰
"You have to be little to belittle." I love that phrase and you are so correct. Thank you , Dr. Les, so very much as you help me tremendously getting it all straight in my mind as to exactly was really going on in the horrific relationship. God bless you and continue to give you such insight and wisdom and discernment. I am blessed for having discovered you. Thank you.
Boundaries need consequences.
God do I love you! Your soo positive and calm we need that
You're kind, thank you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism your welcome