Dr. Carter, when you say, ‘hi there, team healthy’, I get a lump in my throat and tears well up. This is because for most of my 70 years on this earth, I have felt ‘less than’. It is so nice to be addressed as ‘team healthy’. Listening to you makes me strive to be part of the team. It gives me hope. Thank you
Love that Moment sooo much. Team Healthy, to me, means I am ok. I am normal. I am a good person. I am real. I am authentic. I am worthy of being seen, heard and validated. I am human. I am working on me. I am making good changes for the positive. Makes me tear up too. Just hits home. Very powerful statement. I don’t assert “I or me” often but this has helped me to assert I do have feelings and to acknowledge them for myself. 💝💝
It's a tougher road than what they seem to travel, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. We're all doing so much more good for the world in one day than they have in their lives.
The creative bit made me think. Do any of these people have any proper hobbies. Something they can focus on and obsess about (in a healthy, harmless way). I've got hobbies?, All my excess energies go into it, saves me looking around for something else to pick holes in or obsess about.
@@anyscaleclassics6880 Having hobbies. Yea. Hobbies are good. I have been remembering different hobbies my friend’s dad over the road had. A veg patch, grape vines in the front yard along his side fence, bee hives, short wave radio because there were all these antennae on the garage roof. Probably other hobbies over time that l am not aware of.
@@elizasmith5201 My dad was like a that. Perhaps it’s what my mother was scared her about him. She didn’t have fun in her comments or what she thought of doing because ‘He wouldn’t like it!’
My mom my father and my ex.... oh they claim they do esp my mom but it's just another form of their justifying their actions even when they hurt others ✌
Yes that's them in a nutshell. Are you still with him, guessing you are from the present tense phrasing. There is a life out there without them in it. It may be necessary at some point in your marriage to say to yourself "Time's up"...I was with my husband for 19.5 years, he was always the victim, always right, never once said sorry for the acts of verbal, psychological and physical abuse. He was, simply put a coercive bully. I used to watch Oprah, I'd record it and watch it when he'd gone to bed and one day there was a motivational speaker on the show, her words hugely resonated with me..."to stay with someone you're not happy with, keeps you from your blessing, and keeps them from theirs"...not that I cared much about his, however, I cared about mine. It was a leap of faith when I told him our marriage was over and I wanted him to move out. I knew life would become much worse before it would get better but I can tell you that whilst my life has been far from easy, ie.being single with 2 teenage kids, trying to keep a roof over our heads and dealing with a physical illness, I found peace within and I've never ever regretted my decision to end it. I hope if you are still with him, that one day you'll find that courage too. Remember you are worth so much more. 💕
Here's another one, after I left him, he says, "I love you more now than I ever did". And. "I really do love you". But he treated me like I was garbage and below him
My ex husband used to tell everyone we knew that I 'don't like to do things,' because we didn't have the same interests. He didn't count all the time I spent out at concerts, ballets, museums, drinks/dinner with friends, ballgames, etc. as 'things,' because he thought they were boring. About 18 years into our relationship, he called me 'a pathological recluse.' The delightful fight that ensued ended with me dumping a huge box of tickets, programs, souvenirs, lanyards, convention passes, etc. on the floor and asking where the hell he thought I got all these, then.
When Dr was discussing some of the more hurtful and condescending narc remarks, shaking his head, taking pause, it made me really feel validated and "seen"...Thank you, Dr. Carter!!
OMG yes. The a-hole shook his head, sighed heavily, looked up to the sky or ceiling to show me how wrong I was. I waited until the children were old enough then kicked him to the curb.
My husband would be yelling at me and or the kids and I asked him to lower his voice stop yelling. He screamed back “I am not yelling!” And then it descended into an argument about decibels ! Oh my gosh!
@@nanzoonana gosh the person I was married to did the same thing to me. Insulting my intelligence, but this so gaslighting. I mean I spent so much thought and emotional energy on things that he just breezed thru or more like a bull in a China shop. I was questioning my sanity all the time.
We should be Taught this stuff in school... Finances matter. How to function is important. But knowing this red flag is VITAL. Save lives Marriages. Children's happiness and Family relationships This stuff is the foundation of living a safe healthy life Thank you Dr C xx
“Let’s call those hundred women and we can start the interview process”. I LOVE that quote. My wife keeps telling me that there are dozens of other guys that would kill to be with her and treat how how she “deserves” to be treated. Hearing you say that was so validating.
My Narc used to always says he doesn’t need to discuss issues we have because “What a difference a day makes”. So he can give the silent treatment and act like he doesn’t know me then act like nothing happened the next day. Exhausting.
Dr. Carter, I have to share one more absolutely absurd comment. This is how my ex-narc sidestepped responsibility and went into denial for ANY inappropriate or cruel behavior: “I don’t remember saying or doing that. Therefore, IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. I was told this whether it was 5 minutes ago, an hour ago, yesterday or whenever. I call this the ultimate in avoiding accountability for his despicable behavior!
Yes, this is what has happened many times, I have been told that something was not done or said, or that I did say something or think something. He said that he remembers everything and if he says it, that’s what happened. End of it! When the children could understand and validated what I said he would become even angrier. Sometimes they would just tell me later that I had heard correctly. (Children are grown now)I am amazed at how many people like this are using the same words and techniques.
I understand this. I get the same. Every which way to deny what he did/said. Eventually it becomes my fault for not believing him or if he said/did that it was because of something I had done. Never ever taking responsibility or accountability. Then minimising and dismissing. It’s exhausting. Anything I ask or request he will do the opposite. Then suddenly I’m the crazy demanding person who asks so much how can he remember everything I say.
@@cathy14cs My story exactly! “If I can blame you for what’s wrong with me, I won’t have to fix it”. Demons live in their minds and empathy anywhere is non-existent.
Hmmm! When the devil can't reach you, he sends his agents-a narcissist in his place. We bond with them, but they don't bond with us, they have no feelings - so betrayal is inevitable. They are just mere DEMONIC ROBOTS, PERIOD! I am so happy to have found this channel and be a part of this community, #teamhealthy Thank you so much Dr. Les Carter, God bless you & yours. P.S -You have a great week! 😊💕
Lynn, it’s so true. I fell in love with who he wanted me to believe he was. He changed soon after marriage into someone that didn’t seem to like me at all. I loved him and he didn’t love me although he use those words as if he was trying to fulfill an obligation to love me. He could never be vulnerable to allow me into his world, it was so strange. 15 years later I finally have been beat down bad enough to leave or die. He sucked my life out by pounding me into submission to the point I was bedridden for years. Hurray for divorce.
Have you also experienced random people seeming like they suddenly become possessed by a force when you show up?? Do they fixate their eyes on you and look through you?
For seventeen years, my mother accused me of “causing” my father’s Parkinson’s Disease. When he developed cancer two years’ before he died, I was accused of that, too. I don’t recall my mother blaming me for his partial blindness, but I suspect she did. According to her, I did nothing but “bring grief to the family.” Her mantra for decades until I went no contact. Naturally, I was the primary care-giver when my father died. My mother and brother were profoundly abusive through all of it, and even tried to deny me organizing a memorial service. I organized it all, eulogized him, and was told my eulogy was “too long.” Yet non-family attendees told me later it was one of the most beautiful services they ever attended.
@@michelepascoe6068 My empathy for you, Michele, in enduring such abusive nonsense. I hope you are enjoying a more peaceful, supporting, and happier existence now.
One absurd comment I heard wasn’t from my narcissistic ex-husband himself, but from his mother. After scratching my face up in one of his many adult tantrums I went to talk to her. I wanted her to see what he had done, how he really was. The first and only thing she said to me was “what did you do to provoke him?” It was then that I knew, in her eyes, he could do no wrong.
I dunno Dana, but I think it is a waste to try to enlist your mother in law. They are notoriously biased. At least that's what I see in the mothers of my friends.
Oh my goodness!!!!! My husband has said SEVERAL times, “I feel so sorry for parents who have ugly kids... our kids are so beautiful! Everywhere we go people must just hate us”. Then he follows it with a chuckle that makes me throw up a bit in my mouth. I just stare grey rock at him. Since listening and implementing Dr. Cs tricks, it’s pretty obvious he’s confused. I’m no longer scrambling to make him satiated. He told me this morning I don’t like him anymore.... I just stared grey rock. I wanted to say, whatever, but I didn’t want to have a conversation.... I felt he was baiting me. Win!
I’ll never forget the way my narcissistic dad and stepmom reacted to me, a teenager, sleeping until 10 or 11 am on Saturdays. They insisted it was antisocial behavior and that antisocial people become serial killers. They said I was on the road to becoming a serial killer because I’d rather sleep in on the weekends than come downstairs to hang out with the family all day
My narc used to wake me up if I dozed off during the day on weekends, being tired from working during the week, insisting that it is absolutely wrong to sleep during the day.
My father put me down too, for sleeping in on Saturdays. It was because I was dodging being around them. When I finally got up, I made sure I had someplace to go--immediately.
How are these people all so similar!!! My vuln covert mother also got annoyed if I slept in as a young teen. One time making me get up because she said I had to visit my sick Aunt who lived a few streets away. My aunt had just lost a limb and I was afraid of seeing it. No discussion, no questions, I was going....... no thought to how I was scared
My father used to do the same thing too. Nevermind trying to learn about how much sleep teens actually need. Around 9 am on any given Saturday: “Are you just going to sleep all day??!! *I’VE* been up since 6 am”. 🤮
Yep my ex husband thought he was perfect too. He would frequently remind me that he was the best thing since sliced bread and that I didn't know I was born..he had a point because I thought I was in purgatory! Cried at the time, now it makes me smile. He is currently with another narcissist...they seem a pair well matched. 😁
My husband used to say after we would argue "I love to see you cry." Now I'm practicing being less reactive and emotional at the garbage he throws out. So recently he said "I miss seeing you cry. Why don't you ever cry? You have no heart anymore." Sheesh.
After I confronted my narc sibling on the cruel edge to his humor, he told me, "God made me this way, so it must be okay." One of the more absurd things I've ever heard.
My wife got up and left the table before dr c started his list. Guess the intro hit a nerve with her. Thanks dr c for these great videos. Between you and focus on the family i am learning how to really see her and how to finally respond to her
I hope she sees the light sir, my wife did not. I hate to admit it but, if she didn't discard me last yr, I would have turned into something I would have never wanted to be. In the end God has a way of preserving me in that respect. May God give you grace moving forward.
Hi Dr. Carter, when I sustained a TBI one of my sister-inlaws said to me over the phone that I cannot rest (my head pain was so severe I couldn't stand up and had nursing care for a couple of weeks for meals and cleaning), she also said it's meant to be. I was very hurt by these comments and shocked to say the least. My sisters said only kind and loving words. A few years later the sister-on-law called and asked if I would attend Easter dinner at my husband's family and I told her I can't tolerate loud sounds and or being g around a lot of people anymore as my head pain and other symptoms increase. She SAID I was Selfish. I was shocked again at her comment. However, I said to her that I am doing the best I can and need to accept the symptoms I have and to accept that get togethers are difficult for me. Then the smear campaign started and I am blacklisted. After researching about this kind of behaviour (didn't grow up with this) I found you! Bought and read 3 of your 📚 and feeled so blessed and validated thank you 😊 and sending everyone ❤️
This is when I knew I was in trouble. Seven months into the marriage, he said that he could not ever remember sinning, and that he'd never lied. "I laughed and said, I did not KNOW I married Jesus!" I laughed because i thought he was joking. Thirty minutes after challenging his belief, he was waving a knife about 2" off my nose...and again in about another minute or two. I left, came back, but when intimidated with a loaded shot gun he wanted to lay behind my chair, I left, got a restraining order, and went no contact. I'm now divorced!
I want to add some absurd comments I have heard over the years: “I know you better than you know yourself”. Also, “You are the only person who can’t read between the lines to know what I meant instead of what I say”. Dr C, when you said that they ask a lot of questions, that really resonated with me bc when it is a discussion that is not going their way they ask questions and act like the judge or therapist when I give an answer. Then they say ,”It is so difficult to have a conversation with you”. At that point I just want to stop talking and they go on and on with a 30 minute or more lecture. Thank you for your videos!
Ugh! They turn the tables constantly! Mine always likes to say “we need to work on communication,” when I’m always upfront and honest… “we?” It feels like he means, “you need to be quiet and agree with me…” 😹
Wow. You know the narc has really done some damage when he welcomes everyone as “Team Healthy” and it didn’t register that I was part of the group he’s addressing. I’m so used to being ignored it’s ingrained. 9 years in. Eyes wide open now. PLEASE KEEP MAKING THESE VIDEOS!! They are keeping me sane and more informed. It’s life changing to receive validation!!
Oh! I thought of other absurd statements! When pointing out what an ungrateful daughter I am when I went No Contact, finally, my parents wrote me a letter where they detailed everything they’d done for me, including my mother breastfeeding me, even when she was tired and it would have been easier to just “stick a bottle in my mouth “, and about the one time they sat up with me all night in a steamy shower bathroom when I was two and had a bad case of pneumonia. My father would also say “At least I never hit you.” Low bars, these…
Sometimes it can be their only way to maintain their relationship with you. My mother told me I had three new prams as a baby! Even aged ten I would argue, that no SHE had 3 new prams when I was a baby!
@@amandalesley7281 I am very very glad he is your EX husband. I am sorry you were hit; absolutely no one should need to endure being hit. Sending a hug for your day, today, and I hope you are now in a much better place!
@@deborahwillard3495 oh yeah, I notice when they look back on our childhoods it's painted in a rosy glow. All the things they remember are things they did/got like the pram thing..... but not what we were like eg. Funny clever good at...whatever.. loving.. liked disliked. It's like they didn't know us then and they don't know us now. They think they were great because they got a great pram or whatever else.... they seem to be getting what they wanted and didn't get growing up which then just piles on the guilt that I got so much and they had nothing. When I look at my dog and think when they were a puppy I don't think what a great lead collar toys beds harness I got you, I think weren't you cute funny fast learner stubborn etc... they just don't go deep. Maybe it's because their needs weren't met at a basic level they can't see past that and don't grow ✌
"Why aren't you...[better, happier, funnier, better looking, richer, etc] than [some other person]" always got under my skin, as I heard it every couple hours, and the other people in question could have been a random passerby whom neither of us knew anything about. Triangulation is one thing, but this was on a whole new level.
My 14 yr old doggie died on New Year’s Day and when I saw a “friend” a few days later she asked me what I did to celebrate New Years I started crying about losing my dog. She said to me: “Stop it! You’re making me sad.” Whoa! Huh? Not one word of sympathy.
That's what I mean when I say they have no empathy. BTW, before we got Gus, we had to put down our 15 year old Corgi, and it was a very difficult experience. Our animal friends offer such a good reminder of unconditional love. I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you got to have 14 years of companionship.
My mother told me her father sexually assaulted her as a child. When I then asked her why she would leave me alone with him all the time growing up she said “I told him I would kill him if he did anything.” My mom wouldn’t put me in daycare though because she didn’t trust a stranger with her kid. So much confusion for me around this. It really tears me up.
Comic relief is necessary for healing. I can remember early in my "aha" journey when nothing was funny about the abuse. But now I think of myself as an observer of the insanity. Then I say to myself "of course", or "we are right on track", and just try to move on. This provides clarity for me.
I'm one of the many who was waiting for this fun one. I didn't send in a comment because the absurd narcissist quotes I heard would make sense only in context of a long backstory. Except this one, from a college boyfriend "If you heard I was staying at the women's residence house, it's because I was being bothered by evil spirits." No kidding! Narcs often pass the buck to God or the devil!
Dr Carter: Do you remember this line from the film Love Story: "Love means never having to say your sorry." Um, no - love means knowing when to say your sorry and mean it!
"This is MY house and you will do what you're told" except it's his mother's house - that is exactly how my husband is. Lived with his mommy but demanded I "do what he says" and that it was "his" house. I'm so embarrassed this is who I ended up with.
Oh how this channel has helped me understand narcissist. Double standards of living is the norm for my husband. Oh I could make a long list . I don't plead my case anymore. I notice he's getting bored. I don't feed his ego anymore. Oh how often I have heard the word you just don't get it .just use common sense. Thank God for this channel 🙌
I'm reading The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg, I learn so much from him, Dr. C, Dr. Ramani and Sam Vaknin. It's a really good book! Hits home
Les is such a wonderful, warm person. Listening to and watching these videos, I am filled with so much peace and calm even just by his video presence. I can only imagine that he must be an empath. I'm looking forward to his podcasts.
My husband used to respond to perceived criticism by telling me he was perfect. I laughed the first few times, which made him even more "haughty" as Dr Carter calls it.
When I say to my son-in-law, "I'm 30 years older than you! I really do have more life experience than you!," he is SO offended and angered! How dare I say such a thing!
We are all susceptible. There is nothing uniquely inappropriate about me in relation to any other person out there. To a narcissist we all fall in a category and it's never their fault.
Thank you Dr Carter for all your reassurance that we are not going mad. I've literally just come out of a narcissistic friendship too...the marriage N ended 23 years ago...but still fresh in my mind unfortunately at times. The frenemy really excelled in vile insults in a voice text. I sent it to a few friends to listen to...they were equally disgusted by her arrogance and cold-hearted approach in her assassination of my very being. At the end of her message she sarcastically added that she wished me well...what a contradictory statement! Crazy lady. I actually was feeling ill the last few months as she'd been unravelling at a rate of knots because I defended myself and set a new boundary. She went quiet for 5 days and then hit me with her final blow...now though she's gone, I feel so much better, I have slept better and have had so much less pain in my back and legs. Ironically, she's been worse in the last 2 years and my back pain had escalated in that time.
I have an issue about “you’re trying to make me fat.” Sometimes this is legit. I had to dump a friend because she was always trying to sabotage my diet. The same person did not respect her partner’s health related dietary needs at home. When I worked in drug rehab, a number if male clients admitted they encouraged their wives and girlfriends to get fat so they would not be attractive to other men and therefore could not leave. Nobody can make you eat, but they sure as hell can make it difficult for you to maintain the necessary discipline to eat right.
I know what you mean. I had an issue with something said on this channel, too, that's not one size fits all That's the problem with this being online, instead of in person, where you can speak up and have a little clarification dialog. I totally get what your saying.
@@newnormal1841 other side of the same coin. Wanting partners attractiveness to make others jealous of them. Still based on covering their own insecurities.
When walking out the door to head to my step dad's funeral my mom told us to remember that "today is about her" and she just lost her world and she is experiencing the worst loss that could happen to her! That hurt me deeply because my worst loss that I can imagine would be losing one of my children or grandchildren, not my spouse that made it to 78. When I told her that my worst fear and biggest loss would be losing a child, her response was, "f-you lady!" I had just spent the last 6 months leaving my home, kids and grandkids to help her care for him the last 6 months of his life.
I am so very sorry that you have been treated this way by the person that should love you the most. I pray that you will find those whom will love you the way that family should. 🌷
My two sons ,one says go die and the other one says you don’t know what your doing anymore you can’t do any thing right anymore!? I’m so beside my self! The one son used to be my favorite but now I’m lost for words with them both, I don’t go around them as much it’s getting to where I avoid them all together lately thank you for sharing your videos, now I understand I’m not alone your a blessing to me.
I would like to share my most absurd comment from my mother when I was 30, "you just haven't liked me since you were 13 years old." At least I don't have any doubts about how she feels about me.
@SilverWings2022 SAME! My mother was a great mother for me as a baby. When I reminded her of my father (because I dared to act like a child and so did he), it was all over. We get along a lot better now, but it took decades. Not sure if she's a true narc or just BPD, but it's steady as she goes right now and I hope it stays that way.
@SilverWings2022 Enjoy your freedom and keep going your very own way now. If the past comes calling, even in your head, remember the past has nothing new to say! Stay strong 💞x
Just last week 2 days after he disappeared again he text me and says: "Sorry to hear about your dad dying and by the way I have been sick and tested positive for covid." wow this is from a man in a 6 yr. living together relationship oh and I have not heard from him since not even a text seeing if I'm ok or if I have covid nothing.
Sad thing is, Hugh Heffner literally had 100 women at any one time dying to become playmates or bunnies, hoping they'd be "good enough" for Playboy. He and his narcissistic predator friends made good use of that sad foolishness.
The vanity of the narcissist is laughable. My mother thought she'd have been a filmstar if she hadnt made the "mistake of marrying" (she love-bombed him out of another relationship and made him so miserable, he attempted suicide at her betrayals).
When the narcissist in your life finally admits they’re narcissistic but then later on when you refer to their narcissism pertaining to a situation they come at you with their irrational anger and say, “Just because I said I’m narcissistic doesn’t mean I’m controlling! You think you know everything but you don’t, I do!” 😂
My husband and both daughters are the worst kind of narcissists. I’ve been through hell for 42 years. Both kids just left and took my 5 beloved grandchildren. I can’t live like this anymore.
Thank you for this topic. My covert narcissist mother in law says things to me like, “he (my husband) loves you so much he never sees his family anymore “. And “he can’t say what he really wants because he’s so afraid of disappointing you”. Those kinds of comments are so hurtful and so ridiculous on so many levels, it’s so nice to be reminded that I’m not alone in dealing with this! ❤️
My mother used to say to me about my partner's mother (who I used to take out and about to cheer her up) "that woman's not interested in someone like you" I was always "someone like you". Once my mother said to me "I suppose I would vote for the Labor Party too if I were someone like you". As though I were some kind of loser, instead of a professional woman with a career, a degree, and her own home. I was always"someone like you"
@@michelepascoe6068 that is exactly what I am doing. He is not in that place at this time, but he has distanced himself to some degree after seeing some of her worst behavior and that has been helpful.
@@snowbear1877 and Gina, thank goodness we have Dr Carter reminding us how not to be taken in by their nasty insinuations and sly put-downs. We can stand in our truth and observe what sort of character their words reveal (mean and untrustworthy) and not take it personally. No more, " Why would they say that?" as though there must be a fair reason. They are not fair.
Lame Excuses Department: After delivering an (unsolicited) assassination of my character, the perpetrator "explained" : "I am a Leo, and sometimes I roar". LOL!..... using horoscope sign to validate bad behavior!
you can add in that my sister said her court order anger management teacher made her angry... ...so she stopped going and has a permanent criminal record due to domestic violence on me and 94 year old mom--and says it's my fault because I called the cops at midnight during one of her rages when she suddenly appeared inside mom's house.
I have to get a daily dose of Dr. Carter. I think stress and negativity is making me physically sick. Just this one feed is already bringing me to a higher level of self awareness. It makes me realize that good people don't revolve around, or put up with evil.
I have 2 more for you. After they say hurtful things and you call them out. They say “hear it they way you want to hear it.” … After you clean up behind them while they do nothing to help they say “thank you for doing that one thing.”
My mother was one and I almost married one. Just having a name and common thread for the struggles I’ve endured means the world to me. Just knowing what it all is, and that I’m not alone, has essentially stripped me of all of the pain and suffering I’ve been carrying with me for so long. So what I’m trying to say, is thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you give to us survivors.
My sister in law was a creature I didn't even see coming long before she even knew my family. I had never experienced anyone like her. I thought, hey, she's young, she'll grow out of that. I just stay away. 30& years later, she has been like a wrecking ball through our family. My favorite "go to" of hers is "I didn't mean it that way". After saying and doing the most inappropriate and nasty things. No one is off limits, even children. I am fascinated and horrified. My daughter's husband walked through the room. She actually said to my daughter, "Ooh, I wouldn't mind seeing him walking though my house in his boxers". OUTRAGEOUS and DISGUSTING. And, that's just the tip of the iceberg! I just stay away...
My daughter has LOUD angry outbursts. She throws things and breaks things. As a young mother of 4, she made sure each family member her her clearly - ad nauseam. When I thought it was going to far, tried to talk to her about it, told her she was upsetting the whole family, she told me that she learned it all from me. She told me I needed to share in the responsibility for HER behavior (as a 40 year old woman).
This was my oldest daughter. She's borderline restarted. He misunderstood what it was. He made her sister and I do things for her. She would say daddy said I don't have to. Because of his nonsense and using her as a pawn she ended up in assistance living. I have not spoken to her in over 25 years. She can't be around because she believes her father never was abusive or alcoholic. I don't need the stress sh we can cause or the trouble. Everything she did was my fault. As she got the n the higher grades in school she started on hitting the other kids. All he would say was deal with it. The school district would not help me. A couple of times I told him. He talked to her and said she promised daddy she would not do it again. She did. I quit telling him
"I deserve respect no matter what I say or do" " you are suppose to love me unconditionally " "Don't tell me what I have done to hurt your feelings" These are a few of the statements my husband would say! He said I was crossing his boundaries by not following these simple rules!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr C, my timing is not the best, tuning in Live and watching Team Healthy comments is even better. Hope to do it more often in future. It's a great time of understanding, learning, empathy and often humor at the NPD absurdities for all of us, thank you so much for your time and efforts.
Re: extramarital affairs, I’ve been told that when an affair occurs it’s because of something which has been done by the other spouse (the “loyal”) spouse. The “you made me do it” mentality.
The day I told Mom that I disagreed with her but she had every right to her insulting thoughts and opinions about me, my husband and kids, and I wasn't angry about it, she said, " Well I think you certainly are!" When I continued calmly folding laundry, offering zero emotion or engagement on the topic, instead asking her if she enjoyed dinner, she became as flustered as I've ever seen her in 50 years and wandered away quietly. Indifference is their kryptonite.
I was dating a narc. When I told him about a time when he hurt my feelings, his response was "I never knew you felt that way about ME".....??? 🤔. The ultimate gaslighting technique. They will flip a script and make it their own. Their thought is....(how can you complain about how I made you feel, you are insulting me and I am offended).
I love this! I recognise so much! Your so right that to see that people can be that delusional…. And that in the light of day it’s absolutely crazy when it was difficult to comprehend at the time. It’s good to know that your not alone and that lots of other people have had to deal with these sort of absurd statements! Thank you Dr C and all you other wonderful lovely people who had to deal with this ridiculous behaviour x
Dr C.. ahhh you fill me with so much peace and hope 😊🙏 thank you so much… how about this one, “just stop doubting me, all you have to do is trust me and stop thinking I’m lying about everything, and it will stop” Recently made my escape and you are helping with my recovery every day… thank God for you… Bless you, your family and Gus ❤️ he’s so cute.
I have been told that if I did to my husband what he has done to me that he would see red but he doesn't think it is as big a deal when done to me. When I pointed this out to him, he says that it would be different if those things were done to him. I told him that I am not less than he is but he apparently thinks that I am and he just doesn't seem to get the damage that he has done. We are separated and he treats me as though there is something wrong with me because I asked him to leave and has said that I am "doing him dirty". He has told me on multiple occasions how other women would be so happy to have someone like him. He also puts down the Christian support group I am in and the Christian counsel I am receiving in that group and says that I am being misled by them and in my thinking that I have biblical grounds for a separation. He especially dislikes the group because it is led by a Christian counselor that is a woman. So many things that is said characterizes a Narcissist are true of my husband! He has said so many things that are apparently common for Narcissists to say, including accusing me of being a Narcissist when I said something to him about his tendencies (I was not accusing at the time but was in tears at the thought of how hopeless it was for us if he indeed is a Narcissist).
Thank you Dr Carter, for sharing your healthy responses with us. My poor, scapegoat granddaughter was apparently on the wrong side of the room (she was 14 at the time) was told by her father, “you might as well just go out now and shoot up some meth because that’s where you’re headed anyway.” So cruel! And this was not a one time thing. But my daughter says she loves him and says he didn’t mean it like that. Mercy
daughter sounds like *"an enabler"* too bad for your granddaughter with two parents like that. ⌚️ *"Breaking* ... ... *Generational* ... ... *Curses"* with
Yep to being abused and having him demand I apologize. I'm cut and bleeding and HE called the police because I was supposed to go to jail for making him upset. Then he told everyone I'm a cop Called when the truth is, I kept him out of jail! Wish I'd let him go
Do narcissists also have absurd food and eating habits? My husband seems to be overly concerned about what, when and how much I eat. He has even looked in the garbage can to see what I have eaten while he wasn’t around.
It's probably not about the food, purely the control. I've known people so obsessed with control that they will try and control the slightest thing, like some sort of desperation.
Food Stories: My ex would have to know the EXACT menu that I would be cooking for dinner, etc. and if I would change anything he would flip out. Saying that he had to “prepare” his self for what he eats. 🤔🙄🤨 And apparently that took him awhile to prepare his mind for eating XYZ for dinner. So anytime I changed anything it was an outlet for shaming, arguing, saying “I never do what I say I’m going to do!” (Triggering Childhood Wound from family not healed), and putting me down making me feel beneath him. I have Narcolepsy with Cataplexy. Diagnosed in 2012. I can’t do things like I used to. (Used to do everything for everyone, was a complete doormat to my family, along with being the main provider, working 60 hours a week, and going to college full time, and taking care of him and our children) 🤯 When I look back at some of my behavior and choices after I started healing, I couldn’t believe how long I let that go on. So now (10 years into dealing with my disability) I forget things, I change plans (due to dealing with narcolepsy and having no control over it), I can’t take on even 1/2 the stuff I used to. Which makes him very angry. But gives him a perfect victim to condemn, control, and then I got discarded. I’m now learning to look at my past without the “rose colored glasses” on. Got me and my two kids in therapy. He wouldn’t go. Says “There’s nothing wrong with me, why do I need therapy!” 🤯 Just glad I finally woke up to claim my power back in my life! Thank you Dr. C for all you do to help in my healing! ❤️🩹 ~Wholeness 🙏😇
Several years ago I read a study that indicated how people who have food obsessions are much more likely to also have difficulties in relationships. Makes sense. Dr. C
My mother who is 73 said to me 3 years ago, "your boyfriend won't like you much longer. You'll be old and wrinkly" I went no contact with her three years ago and that man in now my husband 💞
I did not get in on this the other day but I have to add this: Narc husband to me for him not doing any household chores. When I would ask for help, he would say, "You're just a teacher. Its not like you have a real job so why are you asking me for help doing your housework."
The worst absurd for me was as the comment said, he was allowed to scream at me, attack my whole character, and slam phone down in may ear, but I wasn't even allowed to raise my voice slightly...for 30 years😟
waited years to get a puppy, best decision ever. Lucky dog is funny and smart And he's just a baby so it's good for practicing patience and gentle calm. Love you sir, thank
Dr. Carter, when you say, ‘hi there, team healthy’, I get a lump in my throat and tears well up. This is because for most of my 70 years on this earth, I have felt ‘less than’. It is so nice to be addressed as ‘team healthy’. Listening to you makes me strive to be part of the team. It gives me hope. Thank you
And you are, congrats 🤗
I cry too when as he reveals the truth.
Love that Moment sooo much. Team Healthy, to me, means I am ok. I am normal. I am a good person. I am real. I am authentic. I am worthy of being seen, heard and validated. I am human. I am working on me. I am making good changes for the positive. Makes me tear up too. Just hits home. Very powerful statement. I don’t assert “I or me” often but this has helped me to assert I do have feelings and to acknowledge them for myself. 💝💝
@@kellymccance1962 Bless you...💔❤️🔥💛
@@KL-pq3mz Amen!
Power to all who are sensitive, quite, kind, intelligent, beautiful, creative, empathic and possess all those good attributes narcs hate in us!
It's a tougher road than what they seem to travel, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. We're all doing so much more good for the world in one day than they have in their lives.
The creative bit made me think. Do any of these people have any proper hobbies. Something they can focus on and obsess about (in a healthy, harmless way). I've got hobbies?, All my excess energies go into it, saves me looking around for something else to pick holes in or obsess about.
@Monica Corrotea Absolutely♥♥
Lovely comment Erum.Quite true.
@@anyscaleclassics6880 Having hobbies. Yea. Hobbies are good. I have been remembering different hobbies my friend’s dad over the road had. A veg patch, grape vines in the front yard along his side fence, bee hives, short wave radio because there were all these antennae on the garage roof. Probably other hobbies over time that l am not aware of.
My husband never takes responsibility, he is ALWAYS the victim, no matter what.
This sounds like my dead husband and my father who also passed away. They did everything right while everyone else did everything wrong
Sounds like my Sisters!!!
@@elizasmith5201 My dad was like a that. Perhaps it’s what my mother was scared her about him. She didn’t have fun in her comments or what she thought of doing because ‘He wouldn’t like it!’
My mom my father and my ex.... oh they claim they do esp my mom but it's just another form of their justifying their actions even when they hurt others ✌
Yes that's them in a nutshell. Are you still with him, guessing you are from the present tense phrasing. There is a life out there without them in it. It may be necessary at some point in your marriage to say to yourself "Time's up"...I was with my husband for 19.5 years, he was always the victim, always right, never once said sorry for the acts of verbal, psychological and physical abuse. He was, simply put a coercive bully. I used to watch Oprah, I'd record it and watch it when he'd gone to bed and one day there was a motivational speaker on the show, her words hugely resonated with me..."to stay with someone you're not happy with, keeps you from your blessing, and keeps them from theirs"...not that I cared much about his, however, I cared about mine. It was a leap of faith when I told him our marriage was over and I wanted him to move out. I knew life would become much worse before it would get better but I can tell you that whilst my life has been far from easy, ie.being single with 2 teenage kids, trying to keep a roof over our heads and dealing with a physical illness, I found peace within and I've never ever regretted my decision to end it. I hope if you are still with him, that one day you'll find that courage too. Remember you are worth so much more. 💕
Here's another one, after I left him, he says, "I love you more now than I ever did". And. "I really do love you". But he treated me like I was garbage and below him
My ex husband used to tell everyone we knew that I 'don't like to do things,' because we didn't have the same interests. He didn't count all the time I spent out at concerts, ballets, museums, drinks/dinner with friends, ballgames, etc. as 'things,' because he thought they were boring. About 18 years into our relationship, he called me 'a pathological recluse.' The delightful fight that ensued ended with me dumping a huge box of tickets, programs, souvenirs, lanyards, convention passes, etc. on the floor and asking where the hell he thought I got all these, then.
The narcissist projects his(or her)own blame on the unexpecting person.
When Dr was discussing some of the more hurtful and condescending narc remarks, shaking his head, taking pause, it made me really feel validated and "seen"...Thank you, Dr. Carter!!
OMG yes. The a-hole shook his head, sighed heavily, looked up to the sky or ceiling to show me how wrong I was. I waited until the children were old enough then kicked him to the curb.
My husband would be yelling at me and or the kids and I asked him to lower his voice stop yelling. He screamed back “I am not yelling!” And then it descended into an argument about decibels ! Oh my gosh!
I’m more intelligent than you, I think things through and you don’t.
@@nanzoonana gosh the person I was married to did the same thing to me. Insulting my intelligence, but this so gaslighting. I mean I spent so much thought and emotional energy on things that he just breezed thru or more like a bull in a China shop. I was questioning my sanity all the time.
Yes they are definitely evil people I believe 😢
We should be Taught this stuff in school... Finances matter. How to function is important. But knowing this red flag is VITAL.
Save lives Marriages. Children's happiness and Family relationships
This stuff is the foundation of living a safe healthy life
Thank you Dr C xx
I couldn’t agree more!!!
“Let’s call those hundred women and we can start the interview process”. I LOVE that quote. My wife keeps telling me that there are dozens of other guys that would kill to be with her and treat how how she “deserves” to be treated. Hearing you say that was so validating.
Jason, same. spouse thinks that they can pick up the ☎️ anytime they please and replace me, without batting an eye or feeling a thing
Guys she's most likely with now.
It was validating, hilarious and mischievous.
Just the tone of your voice sometimes is enough to generate hope for the day. Thanks Dr C.❤
Thanks, Kelly!
I'm hoping my son who over heard Carters voice..... will soften up to team healthy & begin to absorb the better path
I agree!
I feel the same way!! So nice!!
Every agree with the tone of voice comment it is soothing like a meditative guide and reassuring
The only time they were ever wrong is the time they thought they made a mistake.
That made me chuckle.
My Narc used to always says he doesn’t need to discuss issues we have because “What a difference a day makes”. So he can give the silent treatment and act like he doesn’t know me then act like nothing happened the next day. Exhausting.
Dr. Carter, I have to share one more absolutely absurd comment. This is how my ex-narc sidestepped responsibility and went into denial for ANY inappropriate or cruel behavior:
“I don’t remember saying or doing that. Therefore, IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
I was told this whether it was 5 minutes ago, an hour ago, yesterday or whenever. I call this the ultimate in avoiding accountability for his despicable behavior!
Ditto. Mine said same thing, sometimes with a variation...
"I didn't say that. You are making it up."
He used this as oart of his gaslighting efforts.
Yes, this is what has happened many times, I have been told that something was not done or said, or that I did say something or think something. He said that he remembers everything and if he says it, that’s what happened. End of it! When the children could understand and validated what I said he would become even angrier. Sometimes they would just tell me later that I had heard correctly. (Children are grown now)I am amazed at how many people like this are using the same words and techniques.
@@tinabennett8524 Yes~ it is a terrible form of gaslighting and CONTROL. Narcissism is “soul rape”.
I understand this. I get the same. Every which way to deny what he did/said. Eventually it becomes my fault for not believing him or if he said/did that it was because of something I had done. Never ever taking responsibility or accountability. Then minimising and dismissing.
It’s exhausting.
Anything I ask or request he will do the opposite. Then suddenly I’m the crazy demanding person who asks so much how can he remember everything I say.
@@cathy14cs My story exactly! “If I can blame you for what’s wrong with me, I won’t have to fix it”. Demons live in their minds and empathy anywhere is non-existent.
"you are having a whole conversation with yourself". I got this one whenever I was tearfully pleading my case against his cruel behaviour.
JESSICA WHEN YU FOUND OUT WHAT YURE DEALING WITH YU HVE TO SEEK HELP IN HOW TO LEARN TO ZIP YUR MOUTH 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐AND PRACTISE NO CONTACT, GOOD LUCK🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
YU CANNOT REASON WITH THESE PPL😒😒😒😒😒😒😒SO SAD.
With a narcissist you might as well have a conversation with yourself. These individuals are a nightmare to deal with.
They're all like that, they never listen it's why they never know who we are only what they project onto us
My narc wouldn't engage. Just waited until I gave in and let it go.
Hmmm! When the devil can't reach you, he sends his agents-a narcissist in his place. We bond with them, but they don't bond with us, they have no feelings - so betrayal is inevitable. They are just mere DEMONIC ROBOTS, PERIOD!
I am so happy to have found this channel and be a part of this community, #teamhealthy
Thank you so much Dr. Les Carter, God bless you & yours.
P.S -You have a great week! 😊💕
Lynn, it’s so true. I fell in love with who he wanted me to believe he was. He changed soon after marriage into someone that didn’t seem to like me at all. I loved him and he didn’t love me although he use those words as if he was trying to fulfill an obligation to love me. He could never be vulnerable to allow me into his world, it was so strange. 15 years later I finally have been beat down bad enough to leave or die. He sucked my life out by pounding me into submission to the point I was bedridden for years. Hurray for divorce.
Have you also experienced random people seeming like they suddenly become possessed by a force when you show up?? Do they fixate their eyes on you and look through you?
@Nikorah I guess that's the best decision ever you've made, right?
@@ChanneledChant hmmm, Word!
@@nikorah6427 Blessings dear one 🙏
For seventeen years, my mother accused me of “causing” my father’s Parkinson’s Disease.
When he developed cancer two years’ before he died, I was accused of that, too. I don’t recall my mother blaming me for his partial blindness, but I suspect she did.
According to her, I did nothing but “bring grief to the family.” Her mantra for decades until I went no contact.
Naturally, I was the primary care-giver when my father died. My mother and brother were profoundly abusive through all of it, and even tried to deny me organizing a memorial service. I organized it all, eulogized him, and was told my eulogy was “too long.”
Yet non-family attendees told me later it was one of the most beautiful services they ever attended.
So sorry about that mistreatment. My experience very similar. Courage and peace to you.
Damn. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
She’s disgusting for that! Wow! That’s messed up!
I’m so sorry! Bless you for taking the high road, with dignity and respect.
@@michelepascoe6068 My empathy for you, Michele, in enduring such abusive nonsense. I hope you are enjoying a more peaceful, supporting, and happier existence now.
Narcissist blame shifting by saying to me, “Stop fighting with me” and they instigated the argument!
One absurd comment I heard wasn’t from my narcissistic ex-husband himself, but from his mother. After scratching my face up in one of his many adult tantrums I went to talk to her. I wanted her to see what he had done, how he really was. The first and only thing she said to me was “what did you do to provoke him?” It was then that I knew, in her eyes, he could do no wrong.
I’m so sorry!
Well duh lol how do you think her dear son got that way? I'm sorry. I hate these ppl they're not even ppl more like demons.
I dunno Dana, but I think it is a waste to try to enlist your mother in law. They are notoriously biased. At least that's what I see in the mothers of my friends.
Oh my goodness!!!!! My husband has said SEVERAL times, “I feel so sorry for parents who have ugly kids... our kids are so beautiful! Everywhere we go people must just hate us”. Then he follows it with a chuckle that makes me throw up a bit in my mouth. I just stare grey rock at him. Since listening and implementing Dr. Cs tricks, it’s pretty obvious he’s confused. I’m no longer scrambling to make him satiated. He told me this morning I don’t like him anymore.... I just stared grey rock. I wanted to say, whatever, but I didn’t want to have a conversation.... I felt he was baiting me. Win!
Ya he was baiting you
Don't tell me what I don't know, I know what I don't know!
My dogs looked at me funny the numerous times I laughed watching this video. It was great! Thanks for sharing all the absurd comments everyone!
I love when u call me team healthy❣️😀
#TeamHealthy
I’ll never forget the way my narcissistic dad and stepmom reacted to me, a teenager, sleeping until 10 or 11 am on Saturdays. They insisted it was antisocial behavior and that antisocial people become serial killers. They said I was on the road to becoming a serial killer because I’d rather sleep in on the weekends than come downstairs to hang out with the family all day
My narc used to wake me up if I dozed off during the day on weekends, being tired from working during the week, insisting that it is absolutely wrong to sleep during the day.
@@bob-hy1vk OMG How cruel!
My father put me down too, for sleeping in on Saturdays. It was because I was dodging being around them. When I finally got up, I made sure I had someplace to go--immediately.
How are these people all so similar!!! My vuln covert mother also got annoyed if I slept in as a young teen. One time making me get up because she said I had to visit my sick Aunt who lived a few streets away. My aunt had just lost a limb and I was afraid of seeing it. No discussion, no questions, I was going....... no thought to how I was scared
My father used to do the same thing too. Nevermind trying to learn about how much sleep teens actually need. Around 9 am on any given Saturday: “Are you just going to sleep all day??!! *I’VE* been up since 6 am”. 🤮
The “100 women” comment was also made in my relationship with a narcissist. It’s shocking when you hear it and breathtakingly hurtful.
Yep my ex husband thought he was perfect too. He would frequently remind me that he was the best thing since sliced bread and that I didn't know I was born..he had a point because I thought I was in purgatory! Cried at the time, now it makes me smile. He is currently with another narcissist...they seem a pair well matched. 😁
My husband used to say after we would argue "I love to see you cry." Now I'm practicing being less reactive and emotional at the garbage he throws out. So recently he said "I miss seeing you cry. Why don't you ever cry? You have no heart anymore." Sheesh.
@Carrie: So husband says he misses your reaction of getting to the point of tears/crying.
That's a SADISTIC trait, of enjoying your feeling hurt.
Sick person
After I confronted my narc sibling on the cruel edge to his humor, he told me, "God made me this way, so it must be okay." One of the more absurd things I've ever heard.
may sound harsh, could reply nope more like *"de vil spawn"*
My wife got up and left the table before dr c started his list. Guess the intro hit a nerve with her. Thanks dr c for these great videos. Between you and focus on the family i am learning how to really see her and how to finally respond to her
I hope she sees the light sir, my wife did not. I hate to admit it but, if she didn't discard me last yr, I would have turned into something I would have never wanted to be. In the end God has a way of preserving me in that respect. May God give you grace moving forward.
Hi Dr. Carter, when I sustained a TBI one of my sister-inlaws said to me over the phone that I cannot rest (my head pain was so severe I couldn't stand up and had nursing care for a couple of weeks for meals and cleaning), she also said it's meant to be. I was very hurt by these comments and shocked to say the least. My sisters said only kind and loving words. A few years later the sister-on-law called and asked if I would attend Easter dinner at my husband's family and I told her I can't tolerate loud sounds and or being g around a lot of people anymore as my head pain and other symptoms increase. She SAID I was Selfish. I was shocked again at her comment. However, I said to her that I am doing the best I can and need to accept the symptoms I have and to accept that get togethers are difficult for me. Then the smear campaign started and I am blacklisted. After researching about this kind of behaviour (didn't grow up with this) I found you! Bought and read 3 of your 📚 and feeled so blessed and validated thank you 😊 and sending everyone ❤️
This is when I knew I was in trouble. Seven months into the marriage, he said that he could not ever remember sinning, and that he'd never lied. "I laughed and said, I did not KNOW I married Jesus!" I laughed because i thought he was joking. Thirty minutes after challenging his belief, he was waving a knife about 2" off my nose...and again in about another minute or two. I left, came back, but when intimidated with a loaded shot gun he wanted to lay behind my chair, I left, got a restraining order, and went no contact. I'm now divorced!
I want to add some absurd comments I have heard over the years: “I know you better than you know yourself”. Also, “You are the only person who can’t read between the lines to know what I meant instead of what I say”. Dr C, when you said that they ask a lot of questions, that really resonated with me bc when it is a discussion that is not going their way they ask questions and act like the judge or therapist when I give an answer. Then they say ,”It is so difficult to have a conversation with you”. At that point I just want to stop talking and they go on and on with a 30 minute or more lecture. Thank you for your videos!
That first one in particular is crazy making.
Wow! I was with a narcissist for 1 year on and off, and I exited with elevated blood pressure. It felt like 10 years.
Ugh! They turn the tables constantly!
Mine always likes to say “we need to work on communication,” when I’m always upfront and honest… “we?” It feels like he means, “you need to be quiet and agree with me…” 😹
Oh yeah the lectures.. my 80 yr old parents still lecture
If someone said "Why are you still here...?" I would say "Go stragiht to hell!' to the narcissist!
Wow. You know the narc has really done some damage when he welcomes everyone as “Team Healthy” and it didn’t register that I was part of the group he’s addressing. I’m so used to being ignored it’s ingrained.
9 years in. Eyes wide open now. PLEASE KEEP MAKING THESE VIDEOS!! They are keeping me sane and more informed. It’s life changing to receive validation!!
Yes. It is impossible to "unsee" it once you know.
Oh! I thought of other absurd statements! When pointing out what an ungrateful daughter I am when I went No Contact, finally, my parents wrote me a letter where they detailed everything they’d done for me, including my mother breastfeeding me, even when she was tired and it would have been easier to just “stick a bottle in my mouth “, and about the one time they sat up with me all night in a steamy shower bathroom when I was two and had a bad case of pneumonia. My father would also say “At least I never hit you.” Low bars, these…
No gold medal for that!
Sometimes it can be their only way to maintain their relationship with you. My mother told me I had three new prams as a baby! Even aged ten I would argue, that no SHE had 3 new prams when I was a baby!
My ex-husband told me he never hit me and asked me to show him bruising 3-4 weeks after as 'proof' it happened! Obviously there was none by then....
@@amandalesley7281 I am very very glad he is your EX husband. I am sorry you were hit; absolutely no one should need to endure being hit. Sending a hug for your day, today, and I hope you are now in a much better place!
@@deborahwillard3495 oh yeah, I notice when they look back on our childhoods it's painted in a rosy glow. All the things they remember are things they did/got like the pram thing..... but not what we were like eg. Funny clever good at...whatever.. loving.. liked disliked. It's like they didn't know us then and they don't know us now. They think they were great because they got a great pram or whatever else.... they seem to be getting what they wanted and didn't get growing up which then just piles on the guilt that I got so much and they had nothing. When I look at my dog and think when they were a puppy I don't think what a great lead collar toys beds harness I got you, I think weren't you cute funny fast learner stubborn etc... they just don't go deep. Maybe it's because their needs weren't met at a basic level they can't see past that and don't grow ✌
"Why aren't you...[better, happier, funnier, better looking, richer, etc] than [some other person]" always got under my skin, as I heard it every couple hours, and the other people in question could have been a random passerby whom neither of us knew anything about. Triangulation is one thing, but this was on a whole new level.
My 14 yr old doggie died on New Year’s Day and when I saw a “friend” a few days later she asked me what I did to celebrate New Years I started crying about losing my dog. She said to me: “Stop it! You’re making me sad.”
Whoa! Huh? Not one word of sympathy.
That's what I mean when I say they have no empathy. BTW, before we got Gus, we had to put down our 15 year old Corgi, and it was a very difficult experience. Our animal friends offer such a good reminder of unconditional love. I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you got to have 14 years of companionship.
My mother told me her father sexually assaulted her as a child. When I then asked her why she would leave me alone with him all the time growing up she said “I told him I would kill him if he did anything.”
My mom wouldn’t put me in daycare though because she didn’t trust a stranger with her kid.
So much confusion for me around this. It really tears me up.
Wow.
A stand-up comedian should do a performance with these absurd statements. Hilarious!
Seriously!
Great idea!
Comic relief is necessary for healing. I can remember early in my "aha" journey when nothing was funny about the abuse. But now I think of myself as an observer of the insanity. Then I say to myself "of course", or "we are right on track", and just try to move on. This provides clarity for me.
I'm one of the many who was waiting for this fun one. I didn't send in a comment because the absurd narcissist quotes I heard would make sense only in context of a long backstory. Except this one, from a college boyfriend "If you heard I was staying at the women's residence house, it's because I was being bothered by evil spirits." No kidding! Narcs often pass the buck to God or the devil!
Boundaries are one thing ("Tough love") but punishing someone for no reason, is cruel!
Dr Carter: Do you remember this line from the film Love Story: "Love means never having to say your sorry." Um, no - love means knowing when to say your sorry and mean it!
That was one of the lamest movie lines of all time!
Perhaps the message meant real love means you’re never doing anything to have to be sorry about!
"This is MY house and you will do what you're told" except it's his mother's house - that is exactly how my husband is. Lived with his mommy but demanded I "do what he says" and that it was "his" house. I'm so embarrassed this is who I ended up with.
My husband would say "you make me act this way" and I said, "no, you CHOOSE to act this way"
Oh how this channel has helped me understand narcissist. Double standards of living is the norm for my husband. Oh I could make a long list .
I don't plead my case anymore. I notice he's getting bored. I don't feed his ego anymore. Oh how often I have heard the word you just don't get it .just use common sense.
Thank God for this channel 🙌
I'm reading The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg, I learn so much from him, Dr. C, Dr. Ramani and Sam Vaknin. It's a really good book! Hits home
Mine has never said he is perfect, however, he is convinced that the way he does things is the only way.
"You made me hit you...apologize" Arrogant and absurd all right!
Les is such a wonderful, warm person. Listening to and watching these videos, I am filled with so much peace and calm even just by his video presence. I can only imagine that he must be an empath. I'm looking forward to his podcasts.
Thank you.
My husband used to respond to perceived criticism by telling me he was perfect. I laughed the first few times, which made him even more "haughty" as Dr Carter calls it.
When I say to my son-in-law, "I'm 30 years older than you! I really do have more life experience than you!," he is SO offended and angered! How dare I say such a thing!
We are all susceptible. There is nothing uniquely inappropriate about me in relation to any other person out there. To a narcissist we all fall in a category and it's never their fault.
Thank you Dr Carter for all your reassurance that we are not going mad. I've literally just come out of a narcissistic friendship too...the marriage N ended 23 years ago...but still fresh in my mind unfortunately at times. The frenemy really excelled in vile insults in a voice text. I sent it to a few friends to listen to...they were equally disgusted by her arrogance and cold-hearted approach in her assassination of my very being. At the end of her message she sarcastically added that she wished me well...what a contradictory statement! Crazy lady. I actually was feeling ill the last few months as she'd been unravelling at a rate of knots because I defended myself and set a new boundary. She went quiet for 5 days and then hit me with her final blow...now though she's gone, I feel so much better, I have slept better and have had so much less pain in my back and legs. Ironically, she's been worse in the last 2 years and my back pain had escalated in that time.
I have an issue about “you’re trying to make me fat.” Sometimes this is legit. I had to dump a friend because she was always trying to sabotage my diet. The same person did not respect her partner’s health related dietary needs at home. When I worked in drug rehab, a number if male clients admitted they encouraged their wives and girlfriends to get fat so they would not be attractive to other men and therefore could not leave. Nobody can make you eat, but they sure as hell can make it difficult for you to maintain the necessary discipline to eat right.
I knew a pretty, svelt woman her new husband wanted her over weight.
🤺💐
That's pretty naive of those guys because overweight women find men all the time. Might not be the men THEY want to be with, but it happens.
I know what you mean. I had an issue with something said on this channel, too, that's not one size fits all That's the problem with this being online, instead of in person, where you can speak up and have a little clarification dialog. I totally get what your saying.
I had a boyfriend at 17, who thought exactly that way too.
@@newnormal1841 other side of the same coin. Wanting partners attractiveness to make others jealous of them. Still based on covering their own insecurities.
When walking out the door to head to my step dad's funeral my mom told us to remember that "today is about her" and she just lost her world and she is experiencing the worst loss that could happen to her!
That hurt me deeply because my worst loss that I can imagine would be losing one of my children or grandchildren, not my spouse that made it to 78. When I told her that my worst fear and biggest loss would be losing a child, her response was, "f-you lady!" I had just spent the last 6 months leaving my home, kids and grandkids to help her care for him the last 6 months of his life.
I am so very sorry that you have been treated this way by the person that should love you the most. I pray that you will find those whom will love you the way that family should. 🌷
My two sons ,one says go die and the other one says you don’t know what your doing anymore you can’t do any thing right anymore!? I’m so beside my self! The one son used to be my favorite but now I’m lost for words with them both, I don’t go around them as much it’s getting to where I avoid them all together lately thank you for sharing your videos, now I understand I’m not alone your a blessing to me.
Thank you so much for all you do for us, Dr. C!!
A person would have to be evil to tell someone to commit suicide. That's down right sick.
I would like to share my most absurd comment from my mother when I was 30, "you just haven't liked me since you were 13 years old." At least I don't have any doubts about how she feels about me.
@SilverWings2022 "uterus that grew me"
I'm permanently borrowing that phrase, thank you. 42 years of her venom. Free now for 5 years 😁🎈😁🎈😁🎈
@SilverWings2022 SAME! My mother was a great mother for me as a baby. When I reminded her of my father (because I dared to act like a child and so did he), it was all over.
We get along a lot better now, but it took decades. Not sure if she's a true narc or just BPD, but it's steady as she goes right now and I hope it stays that way.
@SilverWings2022 Enjoy your freedom and keep going your very own way now. If the past comes calling, even in your head, remember the past has nothing new to say! Stay strong 💞x
It's so nice to hear feedback on these comments from normal people... Just to verify the absolute ridiculousness that the narcissist comes up with
Thanks, I really like this format for that same reason!
"I never get tired of saying that humility, sincerity and respect make a person special" 😏
Just last week 2 days after he disappeared again he text me and says: "Sorry to hear about your dad dying and by the way I have been sick and tested positive for covid." wow this is from a man in a 6 yr. living together relationship oh and I have not heard from him since not even a text seeing if I'm ok or if I have covid nothing.
The “100 women” and “Let’s begin the interviews. Go ahead and pick one” had crying, I was laughing so hard!!
Sad thing is, Hugh Heffner literally had 100 women at any one time dying to become playmates or bunnies, hoping they'd be "good enough" for Playboy.
He and his narcissistic predator friends made good use of that sad foolishness.
The vanity of the narcissist is laughable. My mother thought she'd have been a filmstar if she hadnt made the "mistake of marrying" (she love-bombed him out of another relationship and made him so miserable, he attempted suicide at her betrayals).
Thank you Dr. Carter for really caring about us here!
When the narcissist in your life finally admits they’re narcissistic but then later on when you refer to their narcissism pertaining to a situation they come at you with their irrational anger and say, “Just because I said I’m narcissistic doesn’t mean I’m controlling! You think you know everything but you don’t, I do!” 😂
🤣
Shelby you make me laugh!
Be great to record them. Nuts
@@lilaccilla so sorry you have to endure people like that. It took me to age of 60 to not give a darn and only went to very few gatherings.
My husband and both daughters are the worst kind of narcissists. I’ve been through hell for 42 years. Both kids just left and took my 5 beloved grandchildren. I can’t live like this anymore.
Thank you for this topic. My covert narcissist mother in law says things to me like, “he (my husband) loves you so much he never sees his family anymore “. And “he can’t say what he really wants because he’s so afraid of disappointing you”. Those kinds of comments are so hurtful and so ridiculous on so many levels, it’s so nice to be reminded that I’m not alone in dealing with this! ❤️
Clear messages to spend less time with her. I hope your husband is learning about narcissism too.
My mother used to say to me about my partner's mother (who I used to take out and about to cheer her up) "that woman's not interested in someone like you"
I was always "someone like you". Once my mother said to me "I suppose I would vote for the Labor Party too if I were someone like you". As though I were some kind of loser, instead of a professional woman with a career, a degree, and her own home. I was always"someone like you"
@@snowbear1877 I’m so sorry, that sounds very hurtful! I hope you are getting the respect you deserve from your close relationships.
@@michelepascoe6068 that is exactly what I am doing. He is not in that place at this time, but he has distanced himself to some degree after seeing some of her worst behavior and that has been helpful.
@@snowbear1877 and Gina, thank goodness we have Dr Carter reminding us how not to be taken in by their nasty insinuations and sly put-downs. We can stand in our truth and observe what sort of character their words reveal (mean and untrustworthy) and not take it personally. No more, " Why would they say that?" as though there must be a fair reason. They are not fair.
Love 'You're the one eating and drinking whatever you're swallowing'
Lame Excuses Department: After delivering an (unsolicited) assassination of my character, the perpetrator "explained" : "I am a Leo, and sometimes I roar". LOL!..... using horoscope sign to validate bad behavior!
It’s very sad to hear how mean people can be.
you can add in that my sister said her court order anger management teacher made her angry...
...so she stopped going and has a permanent criminal record due to domestic violence on me and 94 year old mom--and says it's my fault because I called the cops at midnight during one of her rages when she suddenly appeared inside mom's house.
I have to get a daily dose of Dr. Carter. I think stress and negativity is making me physically sick. Just this one feed is already bringing me to a higher level of self awareness. It makes me realize that good people don't revolve around, or put up with evil.
You get it, Shannon!
I have 2 more for you. After they say hurtful things and you call them out. They say “hear it they way you want to hear it.” … After you clean up behind them while they do nothing to help they say “thank you for doing that one thing.”
I like the phrase "I can do bad all by myself" (source unknown) to the narcissist!
After being blamed for something (anything) that the narcissist did, by the narcissist!!
Not related to affair.
My mother was one and I almost married one. Just having a name and common thread for the struggles I’ve endured means the world to me. Just knowing what it all is, and that I’m not alone, has essentially stripped me of all of the pain and suffering I’ve been carrying with me for so long. So what I’m trying to say, is thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you give to us survivors.
My sister in law was a creature I didn't even see coming long before she even knew my family. I had never experienced anyone like her. I thought, hey, she's young, she'll grow out of that. I just stay away. 30& years later, she has been like a wrecking ball through our family. My favorite "go to" of hers is "I didn't mean it that way". After saying and doing the most inappropriate and nasty things. No one is off limits, even children. I am fascinated and horrified. My daughter's husband walked through the room. She actually said to my daughter, "Ooh, I wouldn't mind seeing him walking though my house in his boxers". OUTRAGEOUS and DISGUSTING. And, that's just the tip of the iceberg! I just stay away...
My daughter has LOUD angry outbursts. She throws things and breaks things. As a young mother of 4, she made sure each family member her her clearly - ad nauseam. When I thought it was going to far, tried to talk to her about it, told her she was upsetting the whole family, she told me that she learned it all from me. She told me I needed to share in the responsibility for HER behavior (as a 40 year old woman).
This was my oldest daughter. She's borderline restarted. He misunderstood what it was. He made her sister and I do things for her. She would say daddy said I don't have to. Because of his nonsense and using her as a pawn she ended up in assistance living. I have not spoken to her in over 25 years. She can't be around because she believes her father never was abusive or alcoholic. I don't need the stress sh we can cause or the trouble. Everything she did was my fault. As she got the n the higher grades in school she started on hitting the other kids. All he would say was deal with it. The school district would not help me. A couple of times I told him. He talked to her and said she promised daddy she would not do it again. She did. I quit telling him
"I deserve respect no matter what I say or do"
" you are suppose to love me unconditionally "
"Don't tell me what I have done to hurt your feelings"
These are a few of the statements my husband would say! He said I was crossing his boundaries by not following these simple rules!
I was looking forward to this episode because I reckon it would be really hilarious ! Thanks for the LOLs, Dr C and Team Healthy.😆
Glad you could tune in, Louise!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr C, my timing is not the best, tuning in Live and watching Team Healthy comments is even better. Hope to do it more often in future. It's a great time of understanding, learning, empathy and often humor at the NPD absurdities for all of us, thank you so much for your time and efforts.
Re: extramarital affairs, I’ve been told that when an affair occurs it’s because of something which has been done by the other spouse (the “loyal”) spouse.
The “you made me do it” mentality.
I was told by a preacher this was the case shortly before I married a soon-to-be ex. A preacher!
The day I told Mom that I disagreed with her but she had every right to her insulting thoughts and opinions about me, my husband and kids, and I wasn't angry about it, she said, " Well I think you certainly are!" When I continued calmly folding laundry, offering zero emotion or engagement on the topic, instead asking her if she enjoyed dinner, she became as flustered as I've ever seen her in 50 years and wandered away quietly.
Indifference is their kryptonite.
Such a good illustration!
I was dating a narc. When I told him about a time when he hurt my feelings, his response was "I never knew you felt that way about ME".....??? 🤔. The ultimate gaslighting technique. They will flip a script and make it their own. Their thought is....(how can you complain about how I made you feel, you are insulting me and I am offended).
"The less they know about you, the better."
I love this! I recognise so much! Your so right that to see that people can be that delusional…. And that in the light of day it’s absolutely crazy when it was difficult to comprehend at the time.
It’s good to know that your not alone and that lots of other people have had to deal with these sort of absurd statements! Thank you Dr C and all you other wonderful lovely people who had to deal with this ridiculous behaviour x
A relative of “I’m perfect” is “I’m special.”
DR. GUS AND DR. C IS MAD....I NEVER SEEN THEM LIKE THIS....DONT MESS WITH THEM
Dr C.. ahhh you fill me with so much peace and hope 😊🙏 thank you so much… how about this one, “just stop doubting me, all you have to do is trust me and stop thinking I’m lying about everything, and it will stop”
Recently made my escape and you are helping with my recovery every day… thank God for you… Bless you, your family and Gus ❤️ he’s so cute.
Love to you Kelly.Well Done getting away.
@@julieforsyth6163 thank you Julie 🙏❤️
My Narc Husband must have been 15 yrs old the entirety of his 67 yrs.
I have been told that if I did to my husband what he has done to me that he would see red but he doesn't think it is as big a deal when done to me. When I pointed this out to him, he says that it would be different if those things were done to him. I told him that I am not less than he is but he apparently thinks that I am and he just doesn't seem to get the damage that he has done. We are separated and he treats me as though there is something wrong with me because I asked him to leave and has said that I am "doing him dirty". He has told me on multiple occasions how other women would be so happy to have someone like him. He also puts down the Christian support group I am in and the Christian counsel I am receiving in that group and says that I am being misled by them and in my thinking that I have biblical grounds for a separation. He especially dislikes the group because it is led by a Christian counselor that is a woman. So many things that is said characterizes a Narcissist are true of my husband! He has said so many things that are apparently common for Narcissists to say, including accusing me of being a Narcissist when I said something to him about his tendencies (I was not accusing at the time but was in tears at the thought of how hopeless it was for us if he indeed is a Narcissist).
could relate. told my attorney, if my spouse treats their next marriage just 10% of how they mistreated me, that
s/he would kill em.
They're all about the punishing and make a point to tell you they'll get even.
Thank you Dr Carter, for sharing your healthy responses with us. My poor, scapegoat granddaughter was apparently on the wrong side of the room (she was 14 at the time) was told by her father, “you might as well just go out now and shoot up some meth because that’s where you’re headed anyway.” So cruel! And this was not a one time thing.
But my daughter says she loves him and says he didn’t mean it like that.
Mercy
daughter sounds like *"an enabler"*
too bad for your granddaughter with two parents like that.
⌚️ *"Breaking* ...
... *Generational* ...
... *Curses"* with
derek
prince
Yep to being abused and having him demand I apologize. I'm cut and bleeding and HE called the police because I was supposed to go to jail for making him upset. Then he told everyone I'm a cop Called when the truth is, I kept him out of jail! Wish I'd let him go
Does anyone else ever hear: "Do you want to have a bad day today?" This is usually brought up even over the pettiest things.
The answer to that question is: Looks like you're committed to that!
The words were not necessary for me, just her look, would tell me that!
@@SurvivingNarcissism that's exactly what I say in my head everytime. Thank you for these videos! You're helping so many of us to cope with this!
"I don't remember saying that, but I said things worse than that."
Do narcissists also have absurd food and eating habits? My husband seems to be overly concerned about what, when and how much I eat. He has even looked in the garbage can to see what I have eaten while he wasn’t around.
sounds very very controlling
It's probably not about the food, purely the control. I've known people so obsessed with control that they will try and control the slightest thing, like some sort of desperation.
Seems to be very crazy, this guy
Food Stories: My ex would have to know the EXACT menu that I would be cooking for dinner, etc. and if I would change anything he would flip out. Saying that he had to “prepare” his self for what he eats. 🤔🙄🤨 And apparently that took him awhile to prepare his mind for eating XYZ for dinner. So anytime I changed anything it was an outlet for shaming, arguing, saying “I never do what I say I’m going to do!” (Triggering Childhood Wound from family not healed), and putting me down making me feel beneath him. I have Narcolepsy with Cataplexy. Diagnosed in 2012. I can’t do things like I used to. (Used to do everything for everyone, was a complete doormat to my family, along with being the main provider, working 60 hours a week, and going to college full time, and taking care of him and our children) 🤯 When I look back at some of my behavior and choices after I started healing, I couldn’t believe how long I let that go on. So now (10 years into dealing with my disability) I forget things, I change plans (due to dealing with narcolepsy and having no control over it), I can’t take on even 1/2 the stuff I used to. Which makes him very angry. But gives him a perfect victim to condemn, control, and then I got discarded. I’m now learning to look at my past without the “rose colored glasses” on. Got me and my two kids in therapy. He wouldn’t go. Says “There’s nothing wrong with me, why do I need therapy!” 🤯 Just glad I finally woke up to claim my power back in my life! Thank you Dr. C for all you do to help in my healing! ❤️🩹
~Wholeness 🙏😇
Several years ago I read a study that indicated how people who have food obsessions are much more likely to also have difficulties in relationships. Makes sense. Dr. C
Most important be in peace with yourself.
My mother who is 73 said to me 3 years ago, "your boyfriend won't like you much longer. You'll be old and wrinkly"
I went no contact with her three years ago and that man in now my husband 💞
And THIS, I now realize is true projection 😢
I did not get in on this the other day but I have to add this: Narc husband to me for him not doing any household chores. When I would ask for help, he would say, "You're just a teacher. Its not like you have a real job so why are you asking me for help doing your housework."
The worst absurd for me was as the comment said, he was allowed to scream at me, attack my whole character, and slam phone down in may ear, but I wasn't even allowed to raise my voice slightly...for 30 years😟
This. Right here. Exactly.
waited years to get a puppy, best decision ever.
Lucky dog is funny and smart
And he's just a baby so it's good for practicing patience and gentle calm.
Love you sir, thank
Gus would be pleased!
Another one I got was "you always look so tense". This was given as a reason for walking past me in the street and not speaking.
He’s as reassuring and lovely as Mr Rogers :-)