A narcissist parent who creates a mini-me narcissist in their favored child, and then there is a pair who causes so much damage, destroy marriages, destroy friendships, exclude or triangulate certain family members who are their targets, etc. Denial of basic needs growing up but lavished on the mini-me. Horrible jealousy when the mini-me narcissist gets a wife or gf (but the parent ruins those relationships)... all you can do is stay away from the craziness.
My NPD roommate, covertly sneak's into my room while I'm sleeping everynight! He get's a sick psychological thrill out of it. Also, he play's hide and seek with everything from my food, clothe's, my dog treat's, extra toothbrush, he compete's with my boxe's in the garage too! He stacked several box tower's in the garage. Last night, I managed to escape his terror. However, he started drilling for two hour's which stressed out my dog.
You got that right, but when you are caught in a relationship with one such person, it is hard to get away from them. I had to wait for my "bully" to die before I was truly free.
@@lynfawcett221 that’s truly unfortunate for the situation to have to go that way. Nature always takes its course and even though the thoughts have crossed my mind it’s better that my frustration and anger doesn’t go too far down that rabbit hole. It’s not so much for me but for the pain and anguish that my dog went through just having been subjected to this ahole, actually two of them. I’m down to one but I’m leaving soon. Unfortunately his other supply and flying monkeys are going to have to be his scapegoats 🤭🤭😁😁
I've had to shut out siblings because of this. It's hard, but once I made the decision (I'm the youngest of five and took care of our mother during her last few years), it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
The validation alone that comes from listening to your videos is invaluable. It’s/we’re all a work in progress, so thank you for all your help along this journey!
You speak right to me. I always feel like you're the father I never had. He was in our home, but that's about it. I always remember speaking to him through the newspaper he was holding up to his face. He NEVER acted like a father should. What a horrible person. When he died, I stuck a knife in his grave. I didn't even bury my mother with him. She's in another state with her parents. What an evil sucker.
"Got to have the last word !", is a direct quote that a relative of the narc I know, said about his narcissistic brother. And it has been time tested proven to be true.
I have to say that if you have family members who are judgmental and shut you out for no apparent reason and don't have enough common decency to tell you why or what you have done to offend them..let them go. They are not your tribe and that is not love. If a family member truly loves you they will try to do the right thing. There can be a lot of jealousy's & disfunctions between family members. I have this in my own family and I just let them go. This is my life and I choose to be happy without drama and nonsense. Peace and happiness are priceless. Take it when and wherever you can even if it means standing alone :))
I’ve had that happen, after my mom died the no longer had her so they went after me. I’m ok with it because I have my own life and I knew early on that I wanted to stay away from certain family members.
See there, our Doctor can help, man Dude, i feel peace, but man, im ugly, and i know why, im not doing normal ordeals, lazy angel, my Doctor, my Lord, the enemy is against peace, and my community is for peace, see my neighbors or cool
@@richellepeace4457 my mom developed a drinking problem and she would always say to her sisters that she could stop anytime, she never did. From what I got from my brother was that my mother was very close to her father and when her parents divorced she wanted to go with him but her mother, my nana, forbid it. He moved to California and I’m not sure if she ever kept in contact but I believe that it hurt her very deeply. My grand was the enabler for my mom and I think that’s where it started. The agreement between my mom and grand was that mom could live in one of the studio apartments that my grand owned and my sister and I moved in with our grandparents. Both my mother’s sisters were jealous and they took out their anger on me since I was the youngest so I became the scapegoat. That’s how that story went. Believe me I have great chapters in my life after that. 🤨
Hard to know who the Narcassist is when talking to people you have just met. One only hears their perspective. My mother was an extremely verbally abusive mother and wife. To All others she was such a kind person!! As she has aged in her 80's harder to hide.
Narcissists are good at deceiving acquaintances and strangers, too. My former gf - who exhibits almost all of the behaviors discussed in these videos - would do a form of triangulation where she'd make me look bad in public or in front of neighbors.This accomplishes weird narc goals for her - she gets sympathy, and makes me upset which distracts from our real problems by changing the topic to my behavior.
27:20 This is how it began for me...How an adult narc treats another adult narc/co-dependent is difficult enough, but when children are alienated from those who love them(parent/grandparents/uncles/aunts) by narc parent, and those same children are psychologically abuse, denied basic children needs, provided inadequate and unsafe sleeping living/grooming and clothing environment and even the narc/codependent parent does nothing.....it’s diabolical, unconscionable and unimaginable. Tears and heartbreaking
"Don't like dealing with complexity" - that is my former father-in-law who is a covert narcissist. He wanted to be a bible teacher and run a small congregation (yeah, authority structure with him at the top), but didn't want to do any of the work except run his gums. He approached me over and over again about making RUclips videos and publishing them. I pointed him towards some online tutorials, but his excuse was, "I don't learn like that." Then I pointed him towards classes. "They're not for me." Then I suggested some books. "I'm a hands on guy." Then I suggested a tutor. "That doesn't work for me. Can I just bring my laptop over to your place and we can work through it together?" In a nutshell, he wanted me to film, edit, publish and manage his RUclips channel while he just talked. I wouldn't do it. He became extremely angry and began slandering me to everyone in his group, which fortunately included nobody who mattered to me. I had been suspecting narcissism prior to that, but his nasty eruption towards me was so chock full of narcissistic tactics (DARVO, projection, deflection, guilting, shaming, pity play, threats, nobody-loves-you-like-I-do, you-owe-me ... and of course, gaslighting throughout) that it left no doubt what he was. I cut all contact with him immediately.
Last year after listening to several of your videos on narcissistic behavior, I’ve learned my husband is covert narc. 53 years of marriage and 3 wonderful daughters, I had to go along to get along. Thankfully he worked an hour away in a factory, lots of overtime BUT retired at age 49 and has had free rein to hunt and fish any time he wanted!! He’s been great at always repairing cars or household things but when it came to my offering suggestions, nope, got a one liner and that was that. You learn not to rock the boat and all goes well. His way or the highway is the way to get along. Name calling is a big one, last week I was referred to as boss, ya right. Been treated like a 16 year old.
@@lynfawcett221 Thanks, I’ve observed many married couples throughout the years who don’t seem that happy together. The “in love feeling” wares off very quickly after marriage. Why is that!!
For the people feeling obliged to reconnect with their dangerous relative: I learned about love and forgiveness as a Christian and found more love, generally, in the church than as an unbeliever. However, I have found that there is a lot of teaching about loving one's neighbour and forgiving, but without teaching about healthy boundaries. I misapplied so many Bible verses in my life by forgiving (which is freeing) and then going back into harm's way in love. My love and forgiveness were despised and misinterpreted. Now I've been learning that Yeshua/Jesus had healthy boundaries. He slipped away from the Capernaum crowd ready to throw Him off a cliff. He remained silent before the leaders determined to have him killed. He gave brief, pertinent answer to those trying to trick him. He did not try to persuade anyone, but saw and accepted them for who they were. He did not JADE (Justify Argue Defend and Explain). I found the book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst helpful. We long for our loved ones to choose a better path, but it's not our choice. Peace and wisdom to you.
I remember when I was divorcing my narcissistic husband, I spent some time wondering “ how far will he degenerate?” Because I truly felt like the man I loved had gone away and been replaced with this miserable, drug addict, narcissistic maniac. He didn’t care about my needs or the needs of our two young children. Those same kids are young adults now and their dad sadly passed away, alone in his bed. I can’t help but feel regret because I did, finally give up and leave him. I was so tired of “ the last word” coming from a man who only considered himself.
Thank you Dr. Les Carter for your posts. I live with a narc and I have been minimized to going to bed at 7 pm or earlier depending on how ugly and drunk he gets after he arrives home from work. That superpower class sounds great!
I became a Granny at 62 yrs old. My daughter in law had had a horrible raising by her parents and a Grandmother too. She came up with all kinds of Crazy Rules she expected me to follow, and for a short while I did. But had a long intense conversation with my son. I stand was I wanted to be a part of this Grandson's life but refused to follow the rules and I let it go and let time take its course. All worked out w/o my help. Let Go and Let God! He will take care of it.
First example is my experience with my husband. My current boundaries - we only communicate about practical things and via text and email. Isn't that great 😅🎉🤷♀️😜 I've been telling him for YEARS "Rick, debate is not a form of intimacy." 😂🎉❤
Missed live today Dr. C. My situation is impossible but your voice gives me something to cling to. I don't understand why it must be so ugly when all I try to do is get along. Thank you.
regarding the last question - being with a toxic person can drain you of energy and make you neglect your mental health and seeking help for it. Since cutting out a few people like that, I've been able to use that time to go to therapy, and through working with my therapist I've been able to define things that might have underlying ((past and neurological) causes that I was simply not able to acknowledge since the toxic people were distracting me from myself. So contribute to the betterment others, yes, but also make sure you get some help for yourself!
I remember how agreeing with AG was never enough. He always wanted to know exactly what my thoughts were, and Anthon he didn't agree with 100% was a point of contention. I quickly figured out that he thrives on contention, so i learned not to volunteer my pinions until he was ready to hear them, and then only express things that we could banter about a little before i agreed that his way of thinking was more sensible than mine (whether i thought so or not). Obviously that's not the way to communicate openly, but it preserved my sanity for a while.
Slippery slope with the protection order story because the identified patient in a narcissistic family exists and when I called out my family on their abuse, they got a protective order, arranged a swat team raid and evicted me 3 family members have since died and I couldn't attend the funerals There's two sides to every story and whomever controls the nariritive is usually the predatory perpetrator 😮❤
I'm a relative newcomer to what you share and have found it all very valuable. My mother was always a very unhappy person but also wanted attention so badly she would act out and always, and I do mean always, had to have the last word. She would not listen to reason about anything, always had to be right even if she could be proven wrong (I think this is something she was taught by her mother as it's something she told me - "never admit you're wrong even if you know you're wrong" - this does NOT work), and she blamed me for everything, even going so far as to angrily tell me it was too bad I had lived then slam down the phone. I'm the second child of 5 and the oldest girl and was blamed for everything and was even told I was what was "wrong" in my mother's life. At about the age of 4-5 I realized my mother did not like me and I never understood why, but listening to what you share I think it's because I've always had a mind of my own and even at that young age I thought her thought processes and her decision-making skills were lacking because things just didn't make sense to me. My mother passed away several years ago at the age of 96. I could fill a book with what I endured, but through it all I only wanted her love which was something she could not give. Because she told lies about me I had to step back and not visit her in the nursing home unless I went with someone and would occasionally tell me she missed me. I loved my mother but I didn't like her. Through what you share I now realize my mother was a classic narcissist who also had some very serious (diagnosed) mental illness. Thank you for what you share. It has helped me understand some of what I went through.
I'm the grandmother whose been cancelled. Baby #7 is due next month and am dealing with this heartbreaking situation. Too much to explain here. It's been this way since they got involved in a religious cult. I'm also a Christian and Jesus does confront a few narcs in the NT. I cannot change their minds and I will stay ready and will pray for God to intervene. For my fellow bros. and sisters in Christ, this is no surprise to God. He is not standing next to His throne wringing His hands saying what do I do now. This is a time to practice my boundries, remain respectful and trust the One who knows ALL hearts more than ever. Thank you for this one!
I wish I could still see the chat comments. I had said something about Gospel of John and forgiving 70 times 7 being used against scapegoat (me) when I point out hurt that others have caused me. Someone gave a good reply like “forgive but don’t excuse” and I can’t remember exactly what they said. I do believe I have forgiven, but I no longer want to put myself in the position of being at risk for another betrayal or attack
I am conflicted with the love and kindness to be expressed with a really bad person who hides behind being a Christian, and pretending to be this great Christly person, I cann't ignore the gnots in my stomach, I am fearful of what they will do next! How to react with a phony person in a religious content? They are knowledgable but no genuine feelings of love or kindness? PROTECTION AND SECURITY IS MISSING,
You really do help us all so much, Dr.Carter. I often used to say, "your anger has nothing to do with me." That caused him to get more unglued so I'd suddenly have something to do and leave as soon as possible. He would later smear me to our son but I had to walk away. I'm so thankful that our son knew my standards and principles from his earliest age and I have always been available to him to clarify and confirm.
It is difficult to deal with the bitterness and sadness; this is my challenge as well. *So much* was lost to their selfishness. I try to keep telling myself that bitterness holds me back and let’s them keep their hooks in me. Accepting that it happened and moving on is the only way to really get them to stop hurting you. It isn’t fair, but it is true. -Sometimes this self talk works and sometimes it doesn’t. We just have to keep trying. 🌺
I fully recovered from my narcissistic ex by praying for him for about 6 months. I STILL pray for him but I’m fully delivered from the bondage of trauma with him now.
Narcissists don't necessarily die prematurely. Sometimes it is just because of old age. Often they leave this world to the pits of hell with a scorched earth policy where they wreak as much future havoc to be endured by those still here. It's their way of having control beyond their mortal existence. They are truly evil. You just have to pick up the chard pieces and make a positive move forward the best you can.
Different spin on this ... after 20 years married, I still saw her (narcissistic ex-wife) as that beautiful bride I'd married (and not noticing she'd tripled in size and more than doubled in age). After her flip from covert to malignant, I began to see her differently. I wouldn't call it ugly, but the bloom had definitely worn off. The love bombing no longer worked, and I no longer saw the seksay as heck façade. I'm saddened at the thought of how shallowly visual I am/was, and how meeting someone now wouldn't have that same recollect factor. Then again, I'm no longer that lean, muscular, spring rooster. Things change. And that's okay.
Sometimes we don’t have any other healthy choice but to stop associating with unhealthy family members. Some of mine were very hurtful & abusive. They literally played “mean girl” games with my heart. I began to have serious health issues from having contact (even by text) with one family member. Because I have now gone NC with a couple of these individuals I have been painted as “full of hate” and bitter. I tried for decades to get along but nothing worked. My only option was to be the family whooping girl or get away. I got away. I was diagnosed with late stage cancer and the abusers & some of their flying monkeys came back when they found out (after ostracizing me for more than 10 years). They all wanted a front seat to my health issues and to get the scoop! They pretended to want to “help” me. I smelled a rat and later found out they were trying to find out what right to my assets they had and contacted the family attorney. They have been planning for my death! These types of people don’t need to be in my life and I need to have little to nothing to do with them.
Can I just say, "I'm sorry that happened to you." That is horrible to think your own family wanted you to die.😢 I hope you know you're worth so much more. I hope your health is better & going Low Contact or No Contact is your goal.❤
I have blocked contact with two family members to protect myself from their rage and abuse. Other family members have blocked contact with them as well. One has resumed contact only to block again recently. Just when I’m wondering if I should reopen contact, I hear of their latest rage attack towards another family member. This is confirmation to me not to reopen contact as they are clearly still perpetrating on others. I pray often about how to deal with mentally ill family members. I know they are not well but at the same time I need to be safe. My priority is being safe. Meanwhile, I continue to pray for their healing.
Vulnerable narcissists do indeed seem to prefer a certain level of bad things happening to them. It's almost Munchausian. My mom was a perfect example of this. She was diagnosed with type II diabetes in middle age and would practically do the exact opposite of what doctors advised her to do to manage the diabetes. Rather than eating properly and exercising to manage her condition, she would rather sit around and gripe about being sick, blaming others for her own decisions, and trying to elicit sympathy from whomever she could get on the other end of the phone. Moreover, with anything someone would try to do to be helpful and supportive of her, she would just (figuratively) chew it up and spit it right back in their face. And it certainly didn't help matters any that her constant rage fits, stemming from her fragile ego and sense of entitlement, made it even more difficult to manage her blood sugar and blood pressure. Ultimately it all ended up costing her her eyesight, as well as having to incur a few small amputations. And she never took a bit of responsibility for any of it. It was always someone else's fault.
I am currently on my 3rd. Marriage and I thought I was marrying the right person he was so charming and sweet in the beginning of the marriage... but after just a few weeks in the marriage his true colors showed.. 😢😢😢 now we are in the 2nd year of married life and it is getting more and more difficult to deal with him he can be really nasty but he always blame me for everything I am so bad and cannot do anything but he always correcting me and says it is for my good
@@sonyamckenzie957 sorry to hear about all of that. The devalue/discard phase of a narcissistic relationship can look a bit different depending on whether it's a vulnerable vs grandiose narcissist that you're dealing with but the pattern always persists. In the beginning, you're the best thing that could ever happen to them, then the moment they feel you're not meeting their grandiose expectations, you become the bane of their very existence! And who can realistically meet their lavish expectations, especially over the long term? Certainly not any mere mortal. That's why their lives are never stable. They're constantly on a quest for something that can simply never exist.
My mother was the same way. She lost 80% of her hearing in her left ear because it got infected and she refuse to see a doctor when it started. She had to have two surgeries on it to remove the infection and dead tissue. She blamed everyone, but herself...she waited like three months before seeing a doctor. She was sick most of my life because she never took care of herself and never took the doctor's advice. All she ever did was complain. In the end, it killed her.
Dr. Carter, thank you for answering my question about my widowed mother. My therapist supports my decision to go NC. I get panic attacks whenever she texts me. Such a sad situation, but like you said, she doesn't seem willing to do her part and be self-reflective. God bless you! ❤🙏
I must remind myself that the boundary I set is to protect me not to anger another person. If the other person gets angry about that boundary that’s not on me, I must protect mine. No one has the right to call me names or degrade me at any time. I will never allow myself to sit through a session of verbal or emotional abuse that is being inflicted on me. I did that all my life except for today. And yes I do remind myself with the words above, because I want to have a real relationship with others, and beyond that boundary it is not a real relationship.
I would love to see you analyze the narcissism of Ruby Franke and Jodi Hildebrandt, and how religion can really play a role in a narcissistic parent/ person.
OMG, how much I appreciate your perspectives insights! I resonated with every single letter. Some of them I've worked through, some are so bedrock that they seemed normal! What a gift to look at them from a different perspective. I'm so grateful you are distilling wisdom and sharing it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Dr C thank you for all the education on narcissism, it’s a challenge to pull through and greatful for all the videos we have access to work on our side to heal as we face their commitment to contempt , control, disrespect and lacking morals which is unhealthy.
After listening to this again it became very apparent to me .....someone I met through the funeral home that handled my husbands funeral....who had also lost her husband, had all the traits of an overt narcissist.She completely occupies the conversation, her feelings and what she has to say overides everyone else. I finally devidef this relationship was not a good fit for me. Her anger and hatred of people is astounding and quiet desturbing. She doesn't live close to me any longer. So I decided to end the friendship because you can't reason with her on any level. Her indifference is so brash that its intolerable for me. Tried my best to Understand, but to no avail. Thank Dr. C. Your wisdom has a great value! 😊
Not that I regret it, because it was necessary, but, since I have set my boundaries, things have gotten even uglier. It is what it is. Hello silent treatment, hello resentment, hello pouting, hello simmering anger, and mean looks, and he still believes he' so entitled, and it's OK for him to subject me to his disregulation. What can you do? Pray for him and keep my distance as much as I can. And listen to your " tapes" gets me through all this #$$%$#==/! Your explanations are a breath of fresh air, really! Thank you so much!
Yes it does get worse when you set boundaries! Lol. Every time one of my family makes things ugly and intense I think about the nice projects I'm planning for my crafting. In fact I'm beginning to look forward to their ludicrous behaviour because I can daydream to my heart's content 😁 give yourself a reward whenever they act badly
The person who had the DV situation, please know you are not alone. I was arrested for DV, though he's the one that picked the fight ... in the street ... with his mother around ... on the day i couldn't control myself anymore. So the state filled a restraining order against me, though he was not constrained by it. Now did he abide by it, and he get upset when i did (not too upset, because technically i could have said he was violating it-- and i kept my PO informed that he wouldn't let me break contact). Please do what you need to for yourself. He's already shown you what your empathy is worth to him. Best wishes to you!
Sometimes, the alienation is because the grandparent is the narcissist. When the child or son/daughter in-law was abused by the grandparent before the grandchild entered the world, the grandparent doesn't suddenly stop. In my experience, the birth of a new grandchild fuels the fire even more. Toxic is toxic and we have the right to protect our children.
The narcissist who projects all their negativity and cruel feelings and ideas to the other person who has never even said a word about a subject they are saying YOU said or did. Stansing up for youself ends with the narcissist screaming, throwing, breaking things, horrible name calling and cussing.
Dr. C , You are such a blessing❣️ Thank You so much! I continue to stay loyal to listening to your pod casts because your info reminds me to stay guarded and not fall for my Narc MIL tactics. (Fortunately I don’t have to deal w/ her often). But my biggest issue is that my adult son’s want me to try again to have a relationship w/ her. So, I tried, for them. Not surprisingly I threw in the towel pretty quick but my son’s don’t understand why. They are not around when “she” makes her cunning snide remarks (which I grey rock) and “she” still has the ability to make me look like it’s all my fault to everyone else, as though I am the reason we can’t have a relationship. I know I’m doing the right thing by limiting my exposure to “her” but I struggle to find the right words to explain to my son’s that I just won’t allow her in my life again. I’m all for family get togethers and know to make sure I’m never in a room alone w/ her…but my son’s seem to be disappointed in me b/c I just don’t want to engage with her like the old days.
Im seeking peace, please miss lady, do your best, with our family, i seen full blown, now im ugly, help my community, yes sir, they send in good questions, and there comments or helping, go team healthy,
I’m a senior in a HUD apartment complex. I have a woman who matches communal and malignant traits. She stalks me. My property, friendships and reputation have been destroyed. She simply cannot stand for me to have any attention from anyone. I really do not know what to do.
Dear Dr C, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your videos. My sister shows strong narcissistic tendencies. She has hurt my family so many times. She recently went thru a divorce, after cheating on my bro in law many times over, but now she keeps my brother in law on the hook, all while she's planning to marry someone else tomorrow. She recently bought a new house, and had my brother in law co-sign with her on the house. I think my brother in law is a great guy, but having only a short time in his life with a actual father figure, I feel has left him a little naive. He goes to her house and does all her yard work amd other chores around the house, and I really wish he'd just stop, cause she's just manipulating him amd using him. My teen daughter was in a car accident 3 years ago, which left her a paraplegic, compliments of a driver, driving without a driver's license, and therefore my other sister started a Gofundme for my daughter to help with bills and therapy. My oldest sister then tells me, that she thinks if anyone should've had a gofundme, it should've been the driver of the vehicle that didn't have a license, as she feels more sorry for her than my daughter, even tho the driver walked away with zero injuries. These sort of attitudes have left me feeling theres no other way than to go no contact, but now I'm the one who gets the blame for ignoring her, which for some time, led me into a dark depression. Now, when I feel a little down... your videos help me get back up again. I cant thank you enough for all your wonderful wisdom. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't found you. Thank you again.
She sounds like a totally self absorbed manipulator. If you pull back and then she speaks poorly about you, consider the source and continue moving forward.
This video was so helpful. It touched on several issues I’ve struggled with. I finally had had enough and was going to divorce my suspected serial cheating pathological lying spouse then they died. They wanted to be cremated and didn’t care where to be buried. Frankly now I know for certain of his actions I don’t want to be buried with them. I’m disgusted, embarrassed and repulsed. I get they couldn’t have been anything other than what they were but they chose the dark side. Forget forgiveness. Pity? Maybe. Some day.
Funnily enough, I know a person with narcissistic traits who would regularly tell me, “I’ll give you the last word.” It was so patronizing! It was like this weird way of ending a conversation in such a controlling way, as if they were in control of the conversation and decided when it should end…but seemed so benevolent when doing so. It was so annoying!
I would love for you to something substantial about fabricating accusations. My narcissist regularly fabricates accusations, takes discrepant facts and sews them into an untrue story. He ‘believes’ both, make accusations based on them and NEVER lets it go. I find this particularly hurtful. As we have a long distance relationship I should just walk away. But I hate that he thinks of me that way. Most accusations have to do with his accusing me of having affairs wit others and lying to him
I have a number of male friends, some lifelong and some were quite close. We are seriously just friends. He demands I abandon them to confirm my loyalty. Some have been friends for 40-50 years.
If he accuses you on cheating on him, be sure that is exactly what he does to you! It’s called narcissistic projection. Be strong. Don’t take that BS. I send you love and strength!
I understand the long term friend thing. Even if opposite sex. A safe friendship is one worth treasuring. The accusations are a common tactic to get you to react. Distance here is your ally.
It's a trip when someone says you're projecting and then you realise that they've said a bunch of other things about you that they are actually doing. They can project projecting! Have to slowly go back to the evidence to slowly disentangle from that.
When the narcissist passés and died know your truth...feel forgiveness for yourself. If needed to have more peace find à good médium to channel them to have total peace...know they had their life review and lessons in the other realm. Gratitude Light and Love❤
My narc went so far as to tell me that I didn't need to take my doctor's advice, just hers. She didn't follow the protocol the doctor put her on and ended up back in the hospital. I remember her being very angry and punishing me for doing what I needed to do to get healthy. It was at this point where I learned what walking on egg shells really meant. I'd just lost my home and had no place else to go. Knowing I was trapped my narc took all her aggressions out on me, and when I still refused to throw away my medications she got nasty and started taking out her vengeance on my son. Don't know why narcissists always seek out vulnerability in their victims. Guess it makes them seem more powerful when they can play GOD in other people's lives!
Hi Dr C - Question: I have a narcissistic mother who I haven’t spoken to in 5 years. One of the last times I spoke with her, I was looking at an old picture of her and talked - genuinely - about how pretty she was in that picture. At the time she said nothing. Days later, she responded with sarcasm and blame toward me. She pretended to be shocked I had said that, since - according to her - I have been trying to push her out of life for years now. She took a genuine compliment, twisted it around, and turned it back against me. Why are narcissists unable to receive genuine compliments and love? In my heart, I still love my mother dearly. I survived an abused neglectful childhood despite her, but still I can’t help but feel love toward her, even in No Contact. But I 100% know that she cannot accept or return my love. Why are narcissists unable to accept love? And bonus question: How do you deal with the pain while in No Contact of still loving someone, but knowing that it is a useless cause?
My first husband was a narcissist and unfortunately he and his second wife alienated my daughter towards me. It's painful. My daughter recently turned 45 years old and we are still not in contact with each other. I think she is carrying around a lot of pain. I have reached out to her recently but no response. I also suffered from childhood abuse. My mother told me stories about being sent away for a year when I was 14 months old and my younger sister had just been born. My mother told me I was sent away because they couldn't afford to feed both of us. Well, my mother also dislocated my shoulder around that same time. Three months after my father died, my younger sister told me a completely different version of how long I was sent away. Her story was that my parents left me and then felt bad and turned around and came back for me about an hour later. I'm in therapy healing from narcissistic abuse from my now ex-husband which means I have been divorced twice after a 40 year marriage. I am not in contact with my siblings. I have tried. A former spouse, a parent, etc. alienation is just ugly and painful. Thank-you, Dr. Carter for this podcast. I learned a lot and feel enlightened and less alone.
Dr Carter hru and family doing, good to see you again and thank you very much for the knowledge you share with us. May Allah God bless you and your family
Ay Dr Carter; I just had a most curious thought. Have you been interviewed by the folks at 60 Minutes yet? You've done so much to enlighten and teach us especially about narcissism. The day you seriously talked about malignant narcissists some years ago caused me to cry some that day. But it was also the windows finally got clean and the sun of enlightened came through. A lot of old baggage and other issues were sloughing off. I always recommend people to you because you aren't a lot of mumbo jumbo you get to the meat and lite on the potatoes. Sending you a big hug n your wife gets blessings for being her n nurturing your gifts. Many blessings for being a lighthouse during psychological storms. 💜
I'm 63 and I honestly thought i was over my mothers abuse. But then I wake up and her vicious words are in my head. I remembered saying to her when i was 12 "how can you say such terrible things to me?" She said its my job! Even my rageholic father who we all tip toed around would yell "just leave her alone. You never stop yelling at her." I was a good student, respectful. I didnt even know what sex was at 12 and she would call me a whore. I wasnt even allowed to talk to boys!
These videos have been extremely helpful and informative. I look forward to listening to them. I don’t quite understand - self loathing/self hatred and shame to the point of substance abuse/addiction that contributes to self destruction. How/why does the narcissist hate themselves so much? Do they realize it? Is this what they project?
I've never agreed that the Narcissist hates themselves. They think they're top dog and act like it without any hesitation whatsoever. They have such a satisfied view of themselves that they actually do think others are beneath them, that's why they think bullying is justified. Now if we switch the diagnosis to Borderline/aka Unstable Personality Disorder it does make sense that they hate themselves. But Narcissists hate themselves? No.
If someone acted that way toward me about my grandchild, I would completely ignore them. I might “ adopt” a child who actually needs a grandparent and vicariously give them my love. Watch how fast those A-holes lose their minds and suddenly want you in the fray!
Dr Carter, what is a good response when someone asks something like, “Why don’t you visit your (fill in the blank with narcissist’s title… mum, brother, friend, whatever)?” Or something like, “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?” when they found out about a divorce or separation or a change of jobs or loss of a friendship? I always appreciate how you word things. Sometimes I have practiced my own spin on certain verbal from what I’ve taken notes on having listened to your videos. One of my faves is… “It’s ok for us to have different opinions on this matter. I’m going to stick with mine while also respecting you for sticking with yours. It might be time for me to leave.”
It all depends on how well you know the person. With a close confidante, you can share details, but with a casual acquaintance I'd say something like: "Thanks for your curiosity. Let me just say it's complicated and leave it at that." Most people won't push back, but if they do it's probably b/c that person is an unsafe data gatherer.
I find now that I am 70 friends are fading away either through conflict o just drifting apart. I am convinced one of my friends of over 40 years has dementia. It's the only way I can explain her abominable behaviour. Wherever I go there is ugliness. I just can't seem to get away from it.
Listening to you has turned a lightbulb on. My well intentioned Mother spoiled my brother to excess. My Dad recognised it and was determined he would make efforts not to let that happen with me.( My brother is 9 years older than me) At this point in life our parents pasaed away over a decade ago. Our family just lost my brothers youngest son, 52. With a?sudden heart issue. I feel bad for my brother. He was in conflict with my nephew, his youngest son. He texted childish mean things, caused the split and was not receptive to making up. My brother is also no speaking to his older son and daughter in law and 1 grandchild. He barely has any communication with his other grandchild. I see him aging being alone and blaming everyone else for all these conflicts...(including with me). I'm not sure if its healthy but my heart goes out to my brother. I feel like I should try to make an effort to reach out to him. He is lonely and he's aging. It seems a tragedy to watch him moving toward the end of his life not enjoying his wonderful kids and grandkids, or basically anything he used to get excited about. My brother needs a friend. I know my Mom would feel I should "be there for him". Is this just me taking responsibility for my brother out of old unhealthy habits or a healthy loving aunt/sister wanting the best for my family members? To complicate feelings , I was always close to my nephews but after my brothers divorce I was more like a mom/aunt. My adult children and nephews truly love each other. is close to my
As a Christian,✝️....i take a strong assertive Prayer approach to Narcissist 👍- I go for a prayer walk,(always a good idea!!) and ask for Holy Spirit FIRE ..to be upon that Narcissist ....(yes!! HOLY SPIRIT FIRE 🔥) I also ask, the Holy Spirit to STOP that Narcissist from Emotionally disregulating me🧐🥺✝️........ Try thoes prayers for a few months - 🧐✝️.
It would be nice to hear the other side of those Chritians' story. The sound sanctimonious. Maybe the other person was driven into a rage because of the Christians' hypocrisy. They say the accusations were false but maybe they were spot on the truth.
I have a great question for you: How can a narcissist write books (and articles) that are supposed to help people live better lives, and still "refuse" to apply any of their principles to her own life? Does this make my narc an individual who seeks the ultimate level of control or just someone looking for more accolades to feed her source of supply?
A narcissist parent who creates a mini-me narcissist in their favored child, and then there is a pair who causes so much damage, destroy marriages, destroy friendships, exclude or triangulate certain family members who are their targets, etc. Denial of basic needs growing up but lavished on the mini-me. Horrible jealousy when the mini-me narcissist gets a wife or gf (but the parent ruins those relationships)... all you can do is stay away from the craziness.
My NPD roommate, covertly sneak's into my room while I'm sleeping everynight! He get's a sick psychological thrill out of it. Also, he play's hide and seek with everything from my food, clothe's, my dog treat's, extra toothbrush, he compete's with my boxe's in the garage too! He stacked several box tower's in the garage. Last night, I managed to escape his terror. However, he started drilling for two hour's which stressed out my dog.
Trying to get along with a narcissist is like trying to pet an angry poisonous snake !
Yes ...I've taken full frontal poison from them..🥺
Me too!
Amen
They definitely ain't cuddly. "Never let the same snake bite you twice"
I honestly have neither the time nor inclination to get riled by people who who are just bullies pure and simple.
I’m with you on that 👍👍
yeah, they are bullies.
@Ab3ndcgi very well said, I never liked working or being in the chicken coop. 👍
You got that right, but when you are caught in a relationship with one such person, it is hard to get away from them. I had to wait for my "bully" to die before I was truly free.
@@lynfawcett221 that’s truly unfortunate for the situation to have to go that way. Nature always takes its course and even though the thoughts have crossed my mind it’s better that my frustration and anger doesn’t go too far down that rabbit hole. It’s not so much for me but for the pain and anguish that my dog went through just having been subjected to this ahole, actually two of them. I’m down to one but I’m leaving soon. Unfortunately his other supply and flying monkeys are going to have to be his scapegoats 🤭🤭😁😁
It is definitely not easy to get along living under the same roof with a narcissist. Life is like constantly walking on egg shells.
Me too!😢
Been there, feel you.
I am free now, I hope you will be too ❤ Stay strong 😘👍👋
Run from these people and don’t look back!!
I've had to shut out siblings because of this. It's hard, but once I made the decision (I'm the youngest of five and took care of our mother during her last few years), it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
Dr. Carter your expertise is such a blessing to the world. Thank you once again. (And please give Gus an extra biscuit from us all.)
You're so kind. Thanks, Bridget.
My mistake was trying to defend myself when the narcissist lied about me. That only caused a screaming match. It made matters worse.
The reason I gave to myself for my divorce was this: I didn't like who I'd become in response to who he was.
I felt this. Whenever I’m processing my decision to divorce, I think of how I chose myself.
The validation alone that comes from listening to your videos is invaluable. It’s/we’re all a work in progress, so thank you for all your help along this journey!
You speak right to me. I always feel like you're the father I never had. He was in our home, but that's about it. I always remember speaking to him through the newspaper he was holding up to his face. He NEVER acted like a father should. What a horrible person. When he died, I stuck a knife in his grave. I didn't even bury my mother with him. She's in another state with her parents. What an evil sucker.
"Got to have the last word !", is a direct quote that a relative of the narc I know, said about his narcissistic brother. And it has been time tested proven to be true.
"she's getting old now...she about 12 days old......😂😂😂😂I love this man and the help he has brought to my life
Thank you for helping me to figure things out. Knowing that what im experiencing is real. Im not crazy or worthless.
Remember he’s the infant
I have to say that if you have family members who are judgmental and shut you out for no apparent reason and don't have enough common decency to tell you why or what you have done to offend them..let them go. They are not your tribe and that is not love. If a family member truly loves you they will try to do the right thing. There can be a lot of jealousy's & disfunctions between family members. I have this in my own family and I just let them go. This is my life and I choose to be happy without drama and nonsense. Peace and happiness are priceless. Take it when and wherever you can even if it means standing alone :))
I’ve had that happen, after my mom died the no longer had her so they went after me. I’m ok with it because I have my own life and I knew early on that I wanted to stay away from certain family members.
See there, our Doctor can help, man Dude, i feel peace, but man, im ugly, and i know why, im not doing normal ordeals, lazy angel, my Doctor, my Lord, the enemy is against peace, and my community is for peace, see my neighbors or cool
I am in this position. Disabled and 65, but I am looking forward to peace
@@triciadreas9835 right on, I’m 68 and I’m going to keep skiing ⛷️ until I can’t and I’m looking forward to peace. It’s there and I believe ✡️✡️✡️
@@richellepeace4457 my mom developed a drinking problem and she would always say to her sisters that she could stop anytime, she never did. From what I got from my brother was that my mother was very close to her father and when her parents divorced she wanted to go with him but her mother, my nana, forbid it. He moved to California and I’m not sure if she ever kept in contact but I believe that it hurt her very deeply. My grand was the enabler for my mom and I think that’s where it started. The agreement between my mom and grand was that mom could live in one of the studio apartments that my grand owned and my sister and I moved in with our grandparents. Both my mother’s sisters were jealous and they took out their anger on me since I was the youngest so I became the scapegoat. That’s how that story went. Believe me I have great chapters in my life after that. 🤨
Hard to know who the Narcassist is when talking to people you have just met. One only hears their perspective. My mother was an extremely verbally abusive mother and wife. To All others she was such a kind person!! As she has aged in her 80's harder to hide.
Narcissists are good at deceiving acquaintances and strangers, too. My former gf - who exhibits almost all of the behaviors discussed in these videos - would do a form of triangulation where she'd make me look bad in public or in front of neighbors.This accomplishes weird narc goals for her - she gets sympathy, and makes me upset which distracts from our real problems by changing the topic to my behavior.
27:20 This is how it began for me...How an adult narc treats another adult narc/co-dependent is difficult enough, but when children are alienated from those who love them(parent/grandparents/uncles/aunts) by narc parent, and those same children are psychologically abuse, denied basic children needs, provided inadequate and unsafe sleeping living/grooming and clothing environment and even the narc/codependent parent does nothing.....it’s diabolical, unconscionable and unimaginable. Tears and heartbreaking
"Don't like dealing with complexity" - that is my former father-in-law who is a covert narcissist. He wanted to be a bible teacher and run a small congregation (yeah, authority structure with him at the top), but didn't want to do any of the work except run his gums. He approached me over and over again about making RUclips videos and publishing them. I pointed him towards some online tutorials, but his excuse was, "I don't learn like that." Then I pointed him towards classes. "They're not for me." Then I suggested some books. "I'm a hands on guy." Then I suggested a tutor. "That doesn't work for me. Can I just bring my laptop over to your place and we can work through it together?" In a nutshell, he wanted me to film, edit, publish and manage his RUclips channel while he just talked. I wouldn't do it. He became extremely angry and began slandering me to everyone in his group, which fortunately included nobody who mattered to me. I had been suspecting narcissism prior to that, but his nasty eruption towards me was so chock full of narcissistic tactics (DARVO, projection, deflection, guilting, shaming, pity play, threats, nobody-loves-you-like-I-do, you-owe-me ... and of course, gaslighting throughout) that it left no doubt what he was. I cut all contact with him immediately.
Last year after listening to several of your videos on narcissistic behavior, I’ve learned my husband is covert narc. 53 years of marriage and 3 wonderful daughters, I had to go along to get along. Thankfully he worked an hour away in a factory, lots of overtime BUT retired at age 49 and has had free rein to hunt and fish any time he wanted!! He’s been great at always repairing cars or household things but when it came to my offering suggestions, nope, got a one liner and that was that. You learn not to rock the boat and all goes well. His way or the highway is the way to get along. Name calling is a big one, last week I was referred to as boss, ya right. Been treated like a 16 year old.
I hear exactly what yoy are saying.
@@lynfawcett221 Thanks, I’ve observed many married couples throughout the years who don’t seem that happy together. The “in love feeling” wares off very quickly after marriage. Why is that!!
For the people feeling obliged to reconnect with their dangerous relative: I learned about love and forgiveness as a Christian and found more love, generally, in the church than as an unbeliever. However, I have found that there is a lot of teaching about loving one's neighbour and forgiving, but without teaching about healthy boundaries. I misapplied so many Bible verses in my life by forgiving (which is freeing) and then going back into harm's way in love. My love and forgiveness were despised and misinterpreted.
Now I've been learning that Yeshua/Jesus had healthy boundaries. He slipped away from the Capernaum crowd ready to throw Him off a cliff. He remained silent before the leaders determined to have him killed.
He gave brief, pertinent answer to those trying to trick him. He did not try to persuade anyone, but saw and accepted them for who they were. He did not JADE (Justify Argue Defend and Explain).
I found the book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst helpful. We long for our loved ones to choose a better path, but it's not our choice. Peace and wisdom to you.
I remember when I was divorcing my narcissistic husband, I spent some time wondering “ how far will he degenerate?” Because I truly felt like the man I loved had gone away and been replaced with this miserable, drug addict, narcissistic maniac. He didn’t care about my needs or the needs of our two young children. Those same kids are young adults now and their dad sadly passed away, alone in his bed. I can’t help but feel regret because I did, finally give up and leave him. I was so tired of “ the last word” coming from a man who only considered himself.
My father as well as my ex partner
Glad you left for yourself and children.
Thank you Dr. Les Carter for your posts. I live with a narc and I have been minimized to going to bed at 7 pm or earlier depending on how ugly and drunk he gets after he arrives home from work. That superpower class sounds great!
Thanks, Joanna. I know you're working on it, so keep leaning in a forward direction!
It’s one step at a time but that is the way out
Mine didn't get drunk, he was just a horrible, evil bully.
AL ANON!
My Narc only drinks occasionally but I escape to my room too
I became a Granny at 62 yrs old. My daughter in law had had a horrible raising by her parents and a Grandmother too. She came up with all kinds of Crazy Rules she expected me to follow, and for a short while I did. But had a long intense conversation with my son. I stand was I wanted to be a part of this Grandson's life but refused to follow the rules and I let it go and let time take its course. All worked out w/o my help. Let Go and Let God! He will take care of it.
First example is my experience with my husband. My current boundaries - we only communicate about practical things and via text and email. Isn't that great 😅🎉🤷♀️😜
I've been telling him for YEARS "Rick, debate is not a form of intimacy." 😂🎉❤
Missed live today Dr. C. My situation is impossible but your voice gives me something to cling to. I don't understand why it must be so ugly when all I try to do is get along. Thank you.
Go gray rock ❤️🩹 it works! Don’t react & never lose control ❤
I wish I could but my living circumstances don't currently allow it. Thanks for the positive thought. @@caroleminke6116
My heart goes out to you. Loose ended situations are the most challenging.
@@SurvivingNarcissism 👍👍❤❤🖖🖖Thank you Dr. C.
regarding the last question - being with a toxic person can drain you of energy and make you neglect your mental health and seeking help for it. Since cutting out a few people like that, I've been able to use that time to go to therapy, and through working with my therapist I've been able to define things that might have underlying ((past and neurological) causes that I was simply not able to acknowledge since the toxic people were distracting me from myself. So contribute to the betterment others, yes, but also make sure you get some help for yourself!
I remember how agreeing with AG was never enough. He always wanted to know exactly what my thoughts were, and Anthon he didn't agree with 100% was a point of contention. I quickly figured out that he thrives on contention, so i learned not to volunteer my pinions until he was ready to hear them, and then only express things that we could banter about a little before i agreed that his way of thinking was more sensible than mine (whether i thought so or not). Obviously that's not the way to communicate openly, but it preserved my sanity for a while.
Slippery slope with the protection order story because the identified patient in a narcissistic family exists and when I called out my family on their abuse, they got a protective order, arranged a swat team raid and evicted me
3 family members have since died and I couldn't attend the funerals
There's two sides to every story and whomever controls the nariritive is usually the predatory perpetrator 😮❤
I'm a relative newcomer to what you share and have found it all very valuable. My mother was always a very unhappy person but also wanted attention so badly she would act out and always, and I do mean always, had to have the last word. She would not listen to reason about anything, always had to be right even if she could be proven wrong (I think this is something she was taught by her mother as it's something she told me - "never admit you're wrong even if you know you're wrong" - this does NOT work), and she blamed me for everything, even going so far as to angrily tell me it was too bad I had lived then slam down the phone. I'm the second child of 5 and the oldest girl and was blamed for everything and was even told I was what was "wrong" in my mother's life. At about the age of 4-5 I realized my mother did not like me and I never understood why, but listening to what you share I think it's because I've always had a mind of my own and even at that young age I thought her thought processes and her decision-making skills were lacking because things just didn't make sense to me. My mother passed away several years ago at the age of 96. I could fill a book with what I endured, but through it all I only wanted her love which was something she could not give. Because she told lies about me I had to step back and not visit her in the nursing home unless I went with someone and would occasionally tell me she missed me. I loved my mother but I didn't like her. Through what you share I now realize my mother was a classic narcissist who also had some very serious (diagnosed) mental illness. Thank you for what you share. It has helped me understand some of what I went through.
I'm the grandmother whose been cancelled. Baby #7 is due next month and am dealing with this heartbreaking situation. Too much to explain here. It's been this way since they got involved in a religious cult. I'm also a Christian and Jesus does confront a few narcs in the NT. I cannot change their minds and I will stay ready and will pray for God to intervene. For my fellow bros. and sisters in Christ, this is no surprise to God. He is not standing next to His throne wringing His hands saying what do I do now. This is a time to practice my boundries, remain respectful and trust the One who knows ALL hearts more than ever.
Thank you for this one!
I'm sorry to hear this. I'm sorry for your grandchildren.
Thank you Dr. Carter. Needed your voice today.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I wish I could still see the chat comments. I had said something about Gospel of John and forgiving 70 times 7 being used against scapegoat (me) when I point out hurt that others have caused me. Someone gave a good reply like “forgive but don’t excuse” and I can’t remember exactly what they said. I do believe I have forgiven, but I no longer want to put myself in the position of being at risk for another betrayal or attack
I just remembered it! “ forgive don’t exonerate”
I am conflicted with the love and kindness to be expressed with a really bad person who hides behind being a Christian, and pretending to be this great Christly person, I cann't ignore the gnots in my stomach, I am fearful of what they will do next! How to react with a phony person in a religious content? They are knowledgable but no genuine feelings of love or kindness? PROTECTION AND SECURITY IS MISSING,
The cruelty has been the worst!
You really do help us all so much, Dr.Carter. I often used to say, "your anger has nothing to do with me." That caused him to get more unglued so I'd suddenly have something to do and leave as soon as possible. He would later smear me to our son but I had to walk away. I'm so thankful that our son knew my standards and principles from his earliest age and I have always been available to him to clarify and confirm.
How do you heal bitterness and grief years later? It's like you think you've moved on, but really you haven't.
Forgive yourself first ❤️🩹 you’re not perfect but you’re human… they’re not fully human
My bitterness is all encompassing at times. Try to focus forward.
It is difficult to deal with the bitterness and sadness; this is my challenge as well. *So much* was lost to their selfishness. I try to keep telling myself that bitterness holds me back and let’s them keep their hooks in me. Accepting that it happened and moving on is the only way to really get them to stop hurting you. It isn’t fair, but it is true. -Sometimes this self talk works and sometimes it doesn’t. We just have to keep trying. 🌺
I fully recovered from my narcissistic ex by praying for him for about 6 months. I STILL pray for him but I’m fully delivered from the bondage of trauma with him now.
Narcissists don't necessarily die prematurely. Sometimes it is just because of old age. Often they leave this world to the pits of hell with a scorched earth policy where they wreak as much future havoc to be endured by those still here. It's their way of having control beyond their mortal existence. They are truly evil. You just have to pick up the chard pieces and make a positive move forward the best you can.
Different spin on this ... after 20 years married, I still saw her (narcissistic ex-wife) as that beautiful bride I'd married (and not noticing she'd tripled in size and more than doubled in age). After her flip from covert to malignant, I began to see her differently. I wouldn't call it ugly, but the bloom had definitely worn off. The love bombing no longer worked, and I no longer saw the seksay as heck façade. I'm saddened at the thought of how shallowly visual I am/was, and how meeting someone now wouldn't have that same recollect factor. Then again, I'm no longer that lean, muscular, spring rooster. Things change. And that's okay.
I get what you're saying, Aaron, but go easy on yourself. You've been through a lot.
You matured & she didn’t but that’s not possible for a narc stuck in separation from infancy
Look how far you've come, in your own words. You have learned to overcome things that didn't work for you.
Oh wow, your comment jyst made me realise it was the same for me with my narcissistic husband.
Why are you concentrating on her changing appearance so much? That shouldn't even be a factor
Sometimes we don’t have any other healthy choice but to stop associating with unhealthy family members. Some of mine were very hurtful & abusive. They literally played “mean girl” games with my heart. I began to have serious health issues from having contact (even by text) with one family member. Because I have now gone NC with a couple of these individuals I have been painted as “full of hate” and bitter. I tried for decades to get along but nothing worked. My only option was to be the family whooping girl or get away. I got away. I was diagnosed with late stage cancer and the abusers & some of their flying monkeys came back when they found out (after ostracizing me for more than 10 years). They all wanted a front seat to my health issues and to get the scoop! They pretended to want to “help” me. I smelled a rat and later found out they were trying to find out what right to my assets they had and contacted the family attorney. They have been planning for my death! These types of people don’t need to be in my life and I need to have little to nothing to do with them.
Can I just say, "I'm sorry that happened to you." That is horrible to think your own family wanted you to die.😢
I hope you know you're worth so much more. I hope your health is better & going Low Contact or No Contact is your goal.❤
I have blocked contact with two family members to protect myself from their rage and abuse. Other family members have blocked contact with them as well. One has resumed contact only to block again recently. Just when I’m wondering if I should reopen contact, I hear of their latest rage attack towards another family member. This is confirmation to me not to reopen contact as they are clearly still perpetrating on others. I pray often about how to deal with mentally ill family members. I know they are not well but at the same time I need to be safe. My priority is being safe. Meanwhile, I continue to pray for their healing.
Vulnerable narcissists do indeed seem to prefer a certain level of bad things happening to them. It's almost Munchausian. My mom was a perfect example of this. She was diagnosed with type II diabetes in middle age and would practically do the exact opposite of what doctors advised her to do to manage the diabetes. Rather than eating properly and exercising to manage her condition, she would rather sit around and gripe about being sick, blaming others for her own decisions, and trying to elicit sympathy from whomever she could get on the other end of the phone. Moreover, with anything someone would try to do to be helpful and supportive of her, she would just (figuratively) chew it up and spit it right back in their face. And it certainly didn't help matters any that her constant rage fits, stemming from her fragile ego and sense of entitlement, made it even more difficult to manage her blood sugar and blood pressure. Ultimately it all ended up costing her her eyesight, as well as having to incur a few small amputations. And she never took a bit of responsibility for any of it. It was always someone else's fault.
I am currently on my 3rd. Marriage and I thought I was marrying the right person he was so charming and sweet in the beginning of the marriage... but after just a few weeks in the marriage his true colors showed.. 😢😢😢 now we are in the 2nd year of married life and it is getting more and more difficult to deal with him he can be really nasty but he always blame me for everything I am so bad and cannot do anything but he always correcting me and says it is for my good
@@sonyamckenzie957 sorry to hear about all of that. The devalue/discard phase of a narcissistic relationship can look a bit different depending on whether it's a vulnerable vs grandiose narcissist that you're dealing with but the pattern always persists. In the beginning, you're the best thing that could ever happen to them, then the moment they feel you're not meeting their grandiose expectations, you become the bane of their very existence! And who can realistically meet their lavish expectations, especially over the long term? Certainly not any mere mortal. That's why their lives are never stable. They're constantly on a quest for something that can simply never exist.
My mother was the same way. She lost 80% of her hearing in her left ear because it got infected and she refuse to see a doctor when it started. She had to have two surgeries on it to remove the infection and dead tissue. She blamed everyone, but herself...she waited like three months before seeing a doctor.
She was sick most of my life because she never took care of herself and never took the doctor's advice. All she ever did was complain. In the end, it killed her.
@@mday3821 Wow, it's absolutely astounding just how self-serving yet so self destructive narcissists can be.
@@allanwhite1533 You can say that again!
Dr. Carter, thank you for answering my question about my widowed mother.
My therapist supports my decision to go NC. I get panic attacks whenever she texts me. Such a sad situation, but like you said, she doesn't seem willing to do her part and be self-reflective. God bless you! ❤🙏
Thanks for sending the question!
The panic attacks! Yes, I know that all too well. Hope the NC works wonders. It did for me!
I must remind myself that the boundary I set is to protect me not to anger another person. If the other person gets angry about that boundary that’s not on me, I must protect mine. No one has the right to call me names or degrade me at any time. I will never allow myself to sit through a session of verbal or emotional abuse that is being inflicted on me. I did that all my life except for today. And yes I do remind myself with the words above, because I want to have a real relationship with others, and beyond that boundary it is not a real relationship.
I would love to see you analyze the narcissism of Ruby Franke and Jodi Hildebrandt, and how religion can really play a role in a narcissistic parent/ person.
Yes!
OMG, how much I appreciate your perspectives insights! I resonated with every single letter. Some of them I've worked through, some are so bedrock that they seemed normal! What a gift to look at them from a different perspective. I'm so grateful you are distilling wisdom and sharing it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You are so welcome, Jean.
Dr C thank you for all the education on narcissism, it’s a challenge to pull through and greatful for all the videos we have access to work on our side to heal as we face their commitment to contempt , control, disrespect and lacking morals which is unhealthy.
After listening to this again it became very apparent to me .....someone I met through the funeral home that handled my husbands funeral....who had also lost her husband, had all the traits of an overt narcissist.She completely occupies the conversation, her feelings and what she has to say overides everyone else. I finally devidef this relationship was not a good fit for me. Her anger and hatred of people is astounding and quiet desturbing. She doesn't live close to me any longer. So I decided to end the friendship because you can't reason with her on any level.
Her indifference is so brash that its intolerable for me. Tried my best to
Understand, but to no avail. Thank Dr. C. Your wisdom has a great value! 😊
I thank GOD for u, Dr. C & for my awesome Team Healthy 💕🕊🙏🙌🙌😃
Thank you Dr. C. ! Great and helpful as always!
Not that I regret it, because it was necessary, but, since I have set my boundaries, things have gotten even uglier. It is what it is. Hello silent treatment, hello resentment, hello pouting, hello simmering anger, and mean looks, and he still believes he' so entitled, and it's OK for him to subject me to his disregulation. What can you do? Pray for him and keep my distance as much as I can. And listen to your " tapes" gets me through all this #$$%$#==/! Your explanations are a breath of fresh air, really! Thank you so much!
Yes it does get worse when you set boundaries! Lol. Every time one of my family makes things ugly and intense I think about the nice projects I'm planning for my crafting. In fact I'm beginning to look forward to their ludicrous behaviour because I can daydream to my heart's content 😁 give yourself a reward whenever they act badly
The person who had the DV situation, please know you are not alone. I was arrested for DV, though he's the one that picked the fight ... in the street ... with his mother around ... on the day i couldn't control myself anymore. So the state filled a restraining order against me, though he was not constrained by it. Now did he abide by it, and he get upset when i did (not too upset, because technically i could have said he was violating it-- and i kept my PO informed that he wouldn't let me break contact). Please do what you need to for yourself. He's already shown you what your empathy is worth to him. Best wishes to you!
that mug is already mine, it will cross the Atlantic soon :)
Thank you so much...confirmation to wait...and pray for them.
Sometimes, the alienation is because the grandparent is the narcissist. When the child or son/daughter in-law was abused by the grandparent before the grandchild entered the world, the grandparent doesn't suddenly stop. In my experience, the birth of a new grandchild fuels the fire even more. Toxic is toxic and we have the right to protect our children.
Very true. Happened to me too.
You are so awesome Dr. Carter! U R a rock in my life. I ❤️ these Wednesdays!😊
Thanks so much. #TeamHealthy
The narcissist who projects all their negativity and cruel feelings and ideas to the other person who has never even said a word about a subject they are saying YOU said or did. Stansing up for youself ends with the narcissist screaming, throwing, breaking things, horrible name calling and cussing.
Why do they think,they have entitlement to things they don't.
Thanks Dr. C. Your video was just what I needed today. Your a blessing to us all. 🥰
You are so welcome!
Dr. C , You are such a blessing❣️ Thank You so much! I continue to stay loyal to listening to your pod casts because your info reminds me to stay guarded and not fall for my Narc MIL tactics. (Fortunately I don’t have to deal w/ her often). But my biggest issue is that my adult son’s want me to try again to have a relationship w/ her. So, I tried, for them. Not surprisingly I threw in the towel pretty quick but my son’s don’t understand why. They are not around when “she” makes her cunning snide remarks (which I grey rock) and “she” still has the ability to make me look like it’s all my fault to everyone else, as though I am the reason we can’t have a relationship. I know I’m doing the right thing by limiting my exposure to “her” but I struggle to find the right words to explain to my son’s that I just won’t allow her in my life again. I’m all for family get togethers and know to make sure I’m never in a room alone w/ her…but my son’s seem to be disappointed in me b/c I just don’t want to engage with her like the old days.
Joanne, you know I'm pulling for you. So good to hear from you!
Im seeking peace, please miss lady, do your best, with our family, i seen full blown, now im ugly, help my community, yes sir, they send in good questions, and there comments or helping, go team healthy,
I’m a senior in a HUD apartment complex. I have a woman who matches communal and malignant traits. She stalks me. My property, friendships and reputation have been destroyed. She simply cannot stand for me to have any attention from anyone. I really do not know what to do.
Dear Dr C, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your videos. My sister shows strong narcissistic tendencies. She has hurt my family so many times. She recently went thru a divorce, after cheating on my bro in law many times over, but now she keeps my brother in law on the hook, all while she's planning to marry someone else tomorrow. She recently bought a new house, and had my brother in law co-sign with her on the house. I think my brother in law is a great guy, but having only a short time in his life with a actual father figure, I feel has left him a little naive. He goes to her house and does all her yard work amd other chores around the house, and I really wish he'd just stop, cause she's just manipulating him amd using him. My teen daughter was in a car accident 3 years ago, which left her a paraplegic, compliments of a driver, driving without a driver's license, and therefore my other sister started a Gofundme for my daughter to help with bills and therapy. My oldest sister then tells me, that she thinks if anyone should've had a gofundme, it should've been the driver of the vehicle that didn't have a license, as she feels more sorry for her than my daughter, even tho the driver walked away with zero injuries. These sort of attitudes have left me feeling theres no other way than to go no contact, but now I'm the one who gets the blame for ignoring her, which for some time, led me into a dark depression. Now, when I feel a little down... your videos help me get back up again. I cant thank you enough for all your wonderful wisdom. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't found you. Thank you again.
She sounds like a totally self absorbed manipulator. If you pull back and then she speaks poorly about you, consider the source and continue moving forward.
This video was so helpful. It touched on several issues I’ve struggled with. I finally had had enough and was going to divorce my suspected serial cheating pathological lying spouse then they died. They wanted to be cremated and didn’t care where to be buried. Frankly now I know for certain of his actions I don’t want to be buried with them. I’m disgusted, embarrassed and repulsed. I get they couldn’t have been anything other than what they were but they chose the dark side. Forget forgiveness. Pity? Maybe. Some day.
Funnily enough, I know a person with narcissistic traits who would regularly tell me, “I’ll give you the last word.” It was so patronizing! It was like this weird way of ending a conversation in such a controlling way, as if they were in control of the conversation and decided when it should end…but seemed so benevolent when doing so. It was so annoying!
One word is better than none in the dark
I would love for you to something substantial about fabricating accusations. My narcissist regularly fabricates accusations, takes discrepant facts and sews them into an untrue story. He ‘believes’ both, make accusations based on them and NEVER lets it go. I find this particularly hurtful. As we have a long distance relationship I should just walk away. But I hate that he thinks of me that way. Most accusations have to do with his accusing me of having affairs wit others and lying to him
I have a number of male friends, some lifelong and some were quite close. We are seriously just friends. He demands I abandon them to confirm my loyalty. Some have been friends for 40-50 years.
If he accuses you on cheating on him, be sure that is exactly what he does to you! It’s called narcissistic projection. Be strong. Don’t take that BS. I send you love and strength!
I understand the long term friend thing. Even if opposite sex. A safe friendship is one worth treasuring. The accusations are a common tactic to get you to react. Distance here is your ally.
Insecurity
My spouse does this and is scheduling a lying detector session for me! Because I refute his accusations!! Has done this forever!
It's a trip when someone says you're projecting and then you realise that they've said a bunch of other things about you that they are actually doing. They can project projecting! Have to slowly go back to the evidence to slowly disentangle from that.
Thanks for the positive encouragement Dr.
When the narcissist passés and died know your truth...feel forgiveness for yourself. If needed to have more peace find à good médium to channel them to have total peace...know they had their life review and lessons in the other realm. Gratitude Light and Love❤
Peace to you.
My narc went so far as to tell me that I didn't need to take my doctor's advice, just hers. She didn't follow the protocol the doctor put her on and ended up back in the hospital. I remember her being very angry and punishing me for doing what I needed to do to get healthy. It was at this point where I learned what walking on egg shells really meant. I'd just lost my home and had no place else to go. Knowing I was trapped my narc took all her aggressions out on me, and when I still refused to throw away my medications she got nasty and started taking out her vengeance on my son. Don't know why narcissists always seek out vulnerability in their victims. Guess it makes them seem more powerful when they can play GOD in other people's lives!
Hi Dr C - Question: I have a narcissistic mother who I haven’t spoken to in 5 years. One of the last times I spoke with her, I was looking at an old picture of her and talked - genuinely - about how pretty she was in that picture. At the time she said nothing. Days later, she responded with sarcasm and blame toward me. She pretended to be shocked I had said that, since - according to her - I have been trying to push her out of life for years now. She took a genuine compliment, twisted it around, and turned it back against me.
Why are narcissists unable to receive genuine compliments and love? In my heart, I still love my mother dearly. I survived an abused neglectful childhood despite her, but still I can’t help but feel love toward her, even in No Contact. But I 100% know that she cannot accept or return my love. Why are narcissists unable to accept love?
And bonus question: How do you deal with the pain while in No Contact of still loving someone, but knowing that it is a useless cause?
Good job Dr. C!❤
Thanks for this episode. The subject matter applies to the issues I routinely encounter in my situation.
You're very welcome!
My first husband was a narcissist and unfortunately he and his second wife alienated my daughter towards me. It's painful. My daughter recently turned 45 years old and we are still not in contact with each other. I think she is carrying around a lot of pain. I have reached out to her recently but no response. I also suffered from childhood abuse. My mother told me stories about being sent away for a year when I was 14 months old and my younger sister had just been born. My mother told me I was sent away because they couldn't afford to feed both of us. Well, my mother also dislocated my shoulder around that same time. Three months after my father died, my younger sister told me a completely different version of how long I was sent away. Her story was that my parents left me and then felt bad and turned around and came back for me about an hour later. I'm in therapy healing from narcissistic abuse from my now ex-husband which means I have been divorced twice after a 40 year marriage. I am not in contact with my siblings. I have tried. A former spouse, a parent, etc. alienation is just ugly and painful. Thank-you, Dr. Carter for this podcast. I learned a lot and feel enlightened and less alone.
🙏🏻Thanks, Kindly, for the Information Blessings! I heard the Specific TRUTHS that I needed to Hear! 💛🔆🕊🍃
Great show doc!
Thanks!
Dr Carter hru and family doing, good to see you again and thank you very much for the knowledge you share with us. May Allah God bless you and your family
So nice of you, thank you.
Ay Dr Carter; I just had a most curious thought. Have you been interviewed by the folks at 60 Minutes yet? You've done so much to enlighten and teach us especially about narcissism. The day you seriously talked about malignant narcissists some years ago caused me to cry some that day. But it was also the windows finally got clean and the sun of enlightened came through. A lot of old baggage and other issues were sloughing off. I always recommend people to you because you aren't a lot of mumbo jumbo you get to the meat and lite on the potatoes. Sending you a big hug n your wife gets blessings for being her n nurturing your gifts. Many blessings for being a lighthouse during psychological storms. 💜
None of the big network shows have called, though I'd be available.
@@SurvivingNarcissism 😁🌻
I'm 63 and I honestly thought i was over my mothers abuse. But then I wake up and her vicious words are in my head. I remembered saying to her when i was 12 "how can you say such terrible things to me?" She said its my job! Even my rageholic father who we all tip toed around would yell "just leave her alone. You never stop yelling at her." I was a good student, respectful. I didnt even know what sex was at 12 and she would call me a whore. I wasnt even allowed to talk to boys!
That's ugly. They both must have been tormented souls.
Thank you, Dr. C for your videos as they are extremely helpful.
These videos have been extremely helpful and informative. I look forward to listening to them. I don’t quite understand - self loathing/self hatred and shame to the point of substance abuse/addiction that contributes to self destruction. How/why does the narcissist hate themselves so much? Do they realize it? Is this what they project?
I've never agreed that the Narcissist hates themselves. They think they're top dog and act like it without any hesitation whatsoever. They have such a satisfied view of themselves that they actually do think others are beneath them, that's why they think bullying is justified.
Now if we switch the diagnosis to Borderline/aka Unstable Personality Disorder it does make sense that they hate themselves. But Narcissists hate themselves? No.
Thank you❤🧘🏾♀️🤗 you do good work.
I appreciate that!
Informative and inspirational, as always. You've hit a few key points that have given me food for thought.
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: the Presentation: ( awareness- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous) is wonderful: again: wonderful
I loved it! Thank you dr Carter. God bless you❤
If someone acted that way toward me about my grandchild, I would completely ignore them. I might “ adopt” a child who actually needs a grandparent and vicariously give them my love. Watch how fast those A-holes lose their minds and suddenly want you in the fray!
Dr Carter, what is a good response when someone asks something like, “Why don’t you visit your (fill in the blank with narcissist’s title… mum, brother, friend, whatever)?” Or something like, “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?” when they found out about a divorce or separation or a change of jobs or loss of a friendship? I always appreciate how you word things. Sometimes I have practiced my own spin on certain verbal from what I’ve taken notes on having listened to your videos. One of my faves is… “It’s ok for us to have different opinions on this matter. I’m going to stick with mine while also respecting you for sticking with yours. It might be time for me to leave.”
It all depends on how well you know the person. With a close confidante, you can share details, but with a casual acquaintance I'd say something like: "Thanks for your curiosity. Let me just say it's complicated and leave it at that." Most people won't push back, but if they do it's probably b/c that person is an unsafe data gatherer.
Thank you so much for your help
This was so good. And so timely. Thank you Dr C.
Thks Dr C for shadowing my transition of reconnecting with me.
I find now that I am 70 friends are fading away either through conflict o just drifting apart. I am convinced one of my friends of over 40 years has dementia. It's the only way I can explain her abominable behaviour. Wherever I go there is ugliness. I just can't seem to get away from it.
The outer space electric guitar is nice.
Thank you Dr Carter!
You're most welcome!
Listening to you has turned a lightbulb on. My well intentioned Mother spoiled my brother to excess. My Dad recognised it and was determined he would make efforts not to let that happen with me.( My brother is 9 years older than me) At this point in life our parents pasaed away over a decade ago. Our family just lost my brothers youngest son, 52. With a?sudden heart issue. I feel bad for my brother. He was in conflict with my nephew, his youngest son. He texted childish mean things, caused the split and was not receptive to making up.
My brother is also no speaking to his older son and daughter in law and 1 grandchild. He barely has any communication with his other grandchild.
I see him aging being alone and blaming everyone else for all these conflicts...(including with me).
I'm not sure if its healthy but my heart goes out to my brother. I feel like I should try to make an effort to reach out to him. He is lonely and he's aging. It seems a tragedy to watch him moving toward the end of his life not enjoying his wonderful kids and grandkids, or basically anything he used to get excited about. My brother needs a friend. I know my Mom would feel I should "be there for him". Is this just me taking responsibility for my brother out of old unhealthy habits or a healthy loving aunt/sister wanting the best for my family members?
To complicate feelings , I was always close to my nephews but after my brothers divorce I was more like a mom/aunt. My adult children and nephews truly love each other. is close to my
As a Christian,✝️....i take a strong assertive Prayer approach to Narcissist 👍- I go for a prayer walk,(always a good idea!!) and ask for Holy Spirit FIRE ..to be upon that Narcissist ....(yes!! HOLY SPIRIT FIRE 🔥)
I also ask, the Holy Spirit to STOP that Narcissist from Emotionally disregulating me🧐🥺✝️........
Try thoes prayers for a few months - 🧐✝️.
GOD BLESS YOU
Hope you have a great day Dr C :)))
Thanks so much!
Well said they are toxic.
Hello Doc. C , Another Good One, If you have coffee mugs, maybe Zen Master Gus could have a T shirt or something with a picture and paw print 🐾 🎉
Gus likes how you think!
For the record- btw: hoping that Awesome 😎 Puppy 🐶 Gus is doing okay and as well hopefully 🙏 that as well both you and your family are doing okay ✅
Do narcissists feel shame or guilt about the awful things they do?
Short term, maybe. Long term, it doesn't change anything.
Not a chance!
It would be nice to hear the other side of those Chritians' story. The sound sanctimonious. Maybe the other person was driven into a rage because of the Christians' hypocrisy. They say the accusations were false but maybe they were spot on the truth.
No it's truth and you do what it takes with your suromstances
I have a great question for you: How can a narcissist write books (and articles) that are supposed to help people live better lives, and still "refuse" to apply any of their principles to her own life? Does this make my narc an individual who seeks the ultimate level of control or just someone looking for more accolades to feed her source of supply?
Totally unaware that her false mask isn’t true… remember this was adopted as an infantile defense against reality & it will be defended always
Just look at Meghan Markle, the description you gave fits her 100%