Thanks for watching! What have you ruminate over after a relationship with a narcissist? If you have any tips for overcoming rumination, please feel free to share. It may help someone! ❤🙏
My rumination is taking the form of anger. I am so very angry, at him, at me for tolerating the behavior for so long. Probably more so at me. I am having such a difficult time letting go of the anger. The two things I’m finding that are helping the most are mindful meditation and simple yoga. The one thing that doesn’t help at least not long term is venting. Venting feels good momentarily, just to vomit out that emotion, but it tends to intensify the anger, and I hang on to it sort of like a low boiling pot at the back of the stove. I’m working on that. I’m trying to cut myself a little slack as far as time frame for recovery goes because I was in this situation for over 17 years. I realize that there has been a lot of insidious emotional undermining that I have to come to grips with. I’ll get there, I’m closer. Right now I’m a work in progress.
Same!!! Like how could I have not realized. I always knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out. Then I did. Now I can’t stop obsessing over it all.
That's not fair to you. They're manipulators and well versed in turning wonderful people into shells of their former selves. Anyone would be a victim, not just you.
Same here I tell myself I had to go through it to learn it and recognize if it happens again I just tell myself it’s apart of my journey I’m learning and I’m growing and I forgive myself for my mistakes
I guess I'm a super empath! I saw it coming from a mile away and I feel guilty for romantizing the relationship wanting to believe it was real. I ended up calling them out and they knew they didn't have control over me anymore. So, they couldn't get their supply anymore.
I left my Covert Narcissist husband of 17 years, 2 years ago. In my state you have to be separated at least 12 months before you can begin the divorce process. So for 2 years, I struggled. I ruminated, I kept hoping he'd realize what he was losing and begin to fight for the marriage. Today was the final divorce court appearance. I hadn't seen him for 2 years and I am not exaggerating, he looked dreadful. He's younger than me and he was always so handsome. Today in court he was unkempt, bags under his eyes and just a mess. It was bizarre. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that this was my husband. I was in divorce court with a complete stranger. When I went back to my car, I thought I'd be devastated, but I was relieved. Optimistic, buoyant, excited for my future (I'm 65). I was ruminating when I held out hope. The divorce freed me from the false hope. I'm so glad I pushed on even when I wanted to try again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. BTW. I did take care of myself. I bought a little RV, and camped for the summer on Lake Michigan. I swam everyday, working up to 2 miles. I painted, hiked and made new friends. I also downloaded the app ABIDE, it helped me meditate. Gave me wisdom and peace.oh my goodness this is a banner day!!
Glory! I'm glad that you're doing well and take care of yourself. My verbal abuser is my own son. I've held out hope that he was he was going to change for way too long.
Good for you, your story is simmilar to mine, we are in the distance face and I'm waiting for my freedom...last time I saw him was far beyond the handsome man I used to know...A total stranger... God bless you!!!
There are no unicorns. No one is special. There are no soul mates. Only guys and dolls If your relationship gets to devaluation, believe them when they show you who they are. You know what needs to be done.
It doesn't make sense because we are of two brains, now. The trauma bond changes the brain and causes it to become addicted to the tormentor. A normal person would never do this, never put up with this. They would be on the next train out of town. We are impaired, desperate to make sense of something that never will. Our addicted brain tries to reconcile endlessly, thus the rumination.
It takes time to get over the break up, hurt people hurt people,you can say what if all day long, what if you didn't bump into this mental case, you must stop emotional thinking about them and realize that they are a narcissist and they are mental and will never change, so stop emotional thinking, and gas lighting yourself and move forward, they ain't worth it.👍 Christina and survivors and thrivers 🙏
Nearly 2 years after break up/discard I still can’t stop thinking about it the narc and how he’s still with the supply he dumped me for. How is he still with her? I don’t doubt it’s not all rosy but how has he not packed her in yet, what is keeping him in that? I can’t stop checking his social media, her social media, it’s driving me nuts
@@laaaah4577 you must stop torturing yourself and just let go and move forward, pretend he's dead and don't exist anymore, I want you to Google NPD and read through it all and you will find out what they really are about, they will never change, you will never make the wrong person happy and the wrong person will never make you happy 🙏
An observation of my past: I found I was so completely enmeshed in my mother’s narcissistic behavior patterns I picked those up as “desirable” in others who were also narcissists and threaded those personality types throughout my friendships and love relationships in my past. I was like a child who felt worthless who found my mother’s behavior powerful and dominant and therefore significant to seek out in others. It was a sad starvation diet for certain.
It's so difficult and confusing when they barefaced lie to your face and accuse you constantly of, as it turned out, all the things HE was doing. Swore on his beloved father's grave he had never and would never cheat. All the while, multiple relationships, all unprotected sex. Just mind boggling the extent of the deceit. Thank goodness I am done with him now. Thanks, Christina 💕
Same happened to me. She accused me viciously and out of the blue for the things she was about to do (cheat). It makes no sense. It will never make sense. It’s not a puzzle, there is no solution, and there never will be a solution.
So important not to try force thoughts out of your head. Meditation is not about eliminating thoughts but about being the observer and not identified with them and learning to redirect your focus to a more empowering and productive perspective as you navigate day to day life.😀
Great tips. Thank you so much. I've been love bombed and then ghosted. Repeatedly by the same person. Sometimes it amuses me because I know it's not real, but another part of me wishes the love bombs were authentic because I'm lonely. It makes it hard to let go.
Why don't you love bomb yourself??? Maybe that concept sounds a bit outlandish. How can a person devalue you if you know your value and value yourself? Once you understand projection, you realize it wasn't the other person not valuing you, it was you not valuing yourself and the other person not valuing themselves because just like yourself they were trying to get their value and approval from you also. Take yourself out on dates and trips and get yourself flowers and stuff...life is too short not to treat yourself kindly 🙂
Why does “rumination” return when you do not want it to do so? Every time I believe I have it under control for a spell, it comes back.😞 Even in my dreams I ruminate. I try to force myself to wake up, but am unable to do so at times…Its bizarre. Awake or sleep, it appears. 😳🤯
In my experience, I spent a lot of my life ruminating on this stuff. Several years go I learned about narcissism and the uniqueness of their abuse. My father was a violent malignant narcissist/sociopath and my mother was a covert/boarder line as far as I can tell. Gas lighting, violence and abandonment was commonplace. They sold it like that was everyone else’s home was like as well. Lots of conflicting things deep in my experience. I think the missing thing about ruminating is soaking in the WIN. When you finally find the information. Told in the way you experienced it. Learning that you are not crazy, is the biggest deal. You should really take pause and choose to celebrate the weight being lifted from our experience.
My rumination are mostly things my mother said ( that I'm crazy/ not normal/like being miserable) and how she made me feel like I'm never good enough. I always feel like a bad person and since I have OCD my brain obsesses with these thoughts and if you know how OCD intrusive thoughts can be you know it's constant doubt. I struggle to feel genuine ( because I was often told by my mother I was a faker) and feel like whenever I try to do nice things my brain tells me I'm just trying to trick people and I'm not genuine then I doubt myself more. It's so exhausting trying to build my confidence when feel like I can't trust myself and that loving myself flaws and all ( not being perfect) is bad
I needed this today, thank you. Especially the part about taking care of your body, I feel like I’m in a spiral and can’t focus on myself. I will take baby steps!
A few days ago I felt that I would lose my mind, after talking to a therapist, and researching narcissists through these videos and writings. My brain is able to get past the things I were overthinking about little by little. True it's going to take time ,but things will get better.
Wow... How timely....I was just trashed and thrown away by a "friend" on Thanksgiving day. She really just like for people to use and what they can get from people. I gave her enough benefit of the doubt... enough if enough. I was played...plan and simple. Nothing was genuine. My heart still hurts. She left so abruptly when things weren't working for her anymore
My heart goes out to you .. happened to me….7 years and then totally discarded.. Hurts like hell ….4 months now but beginning to understand what happened and no longer blaming myself… Sincerely hope you move on quickly…
being a spiritual person, I consider the rumination of the narcissist living in our head as if it is a spiritual vampire - still feeding off of our energy... I think looking into cutting energy cords is also a helpful solution.
This year, I've come to terms with my mother's dysfunction. She is involved with both sides of my family, despite her divorce from my father over 20 years ago. My ruminations seem to focus on wondering what negative things my mother has said about me, my life, and my relationship to my dad's family.
EVERY SINGLE WORD! Thank you for sharing this information. My narc, my mother, punished me until the very end. After being diagnosed with terminal cancer she cut me out of her will after promising months and months she’d take care of me since I couldn’t work. They are evil and unfortunately it takes these kinds of experiences to shake you awake. I am going to delete the photos of her on my phone. While watching this video I realized I was still hanging onto someone that wanted me to suffer while dying. No more.
Thanks for the great information. Rumination has always been a problem for me, as an INFJ - and what I've learned is that INFJs are particularly prone to it. What I do is a type of meditation called "self-guided visualization" with music where I create the appropriate visuals which help me to achieve a certain outcomes. It is a technique that I learned from a Native American practitioner who leads vision quests. It is a very specific process with several "stages." It takes a bit of training but it is highly effective. If the ruminations creep back in after a period of time, I repeat the procedure as necessary and eventually the thoughts are extinguished immediately just by recalling a key image from the meditation.
MossyRock, I want to learn how to do that type of meditation. Where can I learn how to do it or research that type of meditation? I am also an INFJ. -Emily Wilson
@@emilywilson7308 Hi Emily. Thanks for your question. This specific technique was taught to me 20 years ago and it was the practitioner's own unique technique. Not surprisingly, I'm not seeing anything like it on the web. If you want to drop me an email we can get in touch with each other and I can explain it to you the best that I can although I am not any sort of practitioner myself. You can find my email address on my RUclips channel's home page under the "about" tab. It says "for business inquiries" even though I am NOT a business in any way (I have no way to change the label there).
@@radaka Sure, I’ll try to explain it to you. My email address is in my YT “about” tab. It’s visible in a desktop browser session but not from a mobile device for some reason.
I just decided to ghost a narcissist and this video is so helpful to me (a huge over-thinker!). This guy went from non-stop engaging with me and saying very serious things that hinted towards living together, marriage, having kids, being involved with my kids (which he all said was “flirting” that I took too seriously when he got bored with me). Literally, the guy was hitting on girls in front of me, and when I said something, he addressed my concerns on Saturday, then got mad and dumped me on Sunday. Then he returned two days later saying we just had a “bump in the road” and “this was our first fight,” but, when I went to see him a few days later and thought we had a good time, he dumped me over a really petty reason that made no sense (now I think he found a new supply and so he didn’t think he needed me again). Another two days passed and he texts me yelling that he doesn’t like my Instagram post - claiming I was rubbing my good life in his face. That made no sense to me, because he didn’t want to be with me anyways, but I lead him talk. Five days later he calls me apologizing profusely about treating me so badly, and begging for another chance. When I gave him one, he kept running hot and cold - between “we were never an item” and “oh let’s make all these plans together that serious couples would make.” And as soon as I left, he was acting put out to talk to me the very next day, then stopped responding to me. That’s when I found out he had a bad date that ended right before he called me, and then I found his profile on a dating site, after just asking for another chance with me! I blocked him everywhere at that moment. I have spent days wracking my brain to understand what I did wrong and why he put in all this energy to get me back if he wasn’t actually interested in me. He spent weeks acting like he liked me romantically and that I was the best match in the world for him just to turn on me as soon as I turned out to be human. I was turning a blind eye to things and giving him multiple chance when things felt weird because I was feeling attached to him. It’s hurtful to be toyed with! I didn’t deserve that! And this video made me realize that I didn’t like him, I was getting addicted to his love bombing and trying to get that good phase back. He was fake to use me, and that hurts...
men will tell you anytin to copulate wiv you , sorry for te bad spellin but 2 keys ave stopped workin on my keyboard , if i was a woman i would make a man wait 2 monts ten i would know e is not just tere 4 sex
Right,the love bombing pull's at you deepest desires. And the other two phases confuses you from that..... She's right, the mind can't process these inconsistent behaviors.
ive got a new keyboard now, what i was trying to say he keeps coming back for sex, most likely , then once he has had it he's off and treating you like crap. i had a mate do that once , disgusting behaviour but you women go for guys like that .
I spent 7 years going through this cycle.. I put it down to her just blowing hot and cold …..I thought we had become very close plutonic friends and yes I thought we had a bond like I had never experienced before … but no … just a narcissistic game … had the final discarded about 4 months ago … she changed her job and my use was no longer needed….was heartbroken at first but began to think something strange had gone on … came to RUclips and finally started to find answers… Can’t believe that at 57 now I fell for any of it … 7 years of lies just to give a needy woman her daily support in the work place … and by god did she need support…so many times crying on my shoulder… helping her with her work load .. and soothing over aguments with co workers …. I guess so just saw through her … only wish they had tipped me off … but she hid behind her anxiety and frailty… just lovely little Lorraine… not a bad bone in her …. As she liked to say …
Great video, Christine. Rumination is a time killer for sure. My biggest beef with narcissism is that we only learn about it after the fact. After the damage is done. It should be a class that is taught in say... middle school. Home economics, pre-algebra, science, narcissism 101, P.E... after all, it seems like all narcissists go to the same school to learn their behavior, doesn't it? The narcissist is a home wrecker, a soul sapper, a people shredder that needs to be identified before they take action. It can only happen upstream.
Yes, idk if it’s common, but I was hit by all this recently.. I left the relationship with abuser last summer... for some reason it’s all coming up Now. I am seeing it for what it is. I think I was in a denial phase for so long. Like surface level I knew but not deep down. I keep thinking I need to think it out so I can avoid it again as I didn’t see it at the time. But I’m trying to heal and self love and focus on BOUNDARIES going forward ❤️
Wow, you’ve explained narcissistic abuse beautifully. I appreciate this video because you’ve highlighted how different overcoming rumination is. Your advice to simply focus on a particular thing for even just 5 minutes is helpful. I’ve been meditating for years and right now, you’re right, it’s the last thing I want to do. But I will!! 🙏 thank you
Gaslighting is so frustrating...like constantly beind accused of stuff you know you didnt do, till the point you admit to stuff you didnt do! And then they hold that against you and then leave you for it...straight crazy making. My ex literally dragged me into counseling and did it to me there whike the counselor defender her. I divorced her and did one session with that counselor and showed her everything...she apologized right on the spot for not believing me she was having affairs and i wasnt just gaslighting her or being paranoid as she claimed...evidence based truths. I did find alot of peace with the rumination by prayer, anything that changes the dialogue in your thoughts. I personally found the rosary to be a prayer of powerful help. Mine came back four times and everytime it was just for her supply of sex..and it was always horrible feeling. I held so much contempt for her, so i wrote a letter and burned it, got rid of everything pertaining to her.
Great video & so true. You can never figure them out!! With mindfulness it’s good to really see something like you said about the leaf also focus on what you can smell & then what you can hear. Exercise & eating healthy & taking care of yourself helps also. Thanks so much for this video. Ruminating has been really bad for me as I really struggle if I can’t figure something out. 😔
Hey I found out that I ruminated all the talks we had together and situations all over and over because my brain just could not accept that all accusations narcissist had where based on unjustice and lie. They were not true. The way he saw me and expected things I should do were just unjust or overboard. So I could not accept in my head that I could not make him see the reality or truth about me. So that injustice made me ruminate again and again. So I wrote all in a piece of paper and then I saw that I have tried to explain all of our problems so many times and he just didnt believe me. An never will. Best thing to do is go no contact ans he has no more ways to play with you.
It's so true nobody is good enough for the narc (🙂 my ex narc passed away without a love interest 🤷 he even told me himself that he didn't love no one) and nothing is ever good enough for the narc either PLEASE don't worry, you WON'T miss out on anything trust me just leave him/her.
Do you know how much you are helping me hang on? You are. And I appreciate your kindness and education every single day. I appreciate you, Christina! ❤️
Everything goes south after the honeymoon or whenever the masks come off. Takes two to tango, I'm relived when they found someone else that makes them happy. Take what you learned with you. Your suggestions are valid.
Fantastic breakdown (no pun intended) of the fallout period, and how a victim relives the trauma post narc. Not sure anyone else on the net has succinctly relayed these facts in such a clear and precise manner. Big thumbs up.
Thank you Soooo So much for making this video!!! It was so very helpful for me! The holiday season, along with the fact that it’s soon approaching a year since I finally got free from my 8.5 year [toxic, hoovering, breadcrumbing, future faking, devaluating, discarding] relationship with a covert narcissist, smh, have had me paralyzed and truly barely able to function in day-to-day life due to Very Severe rumination, disregulation, and getting majorly triggered whenever conversations about my narcissistic parents or narcissistic ex take place. Plus, it makes me seem to others like I’m the one with a victim mentality (as you speak about in this video)…So needless to say, I’m definitely going to Have to begin weekly therapy sessions sometime soon, as it’s having a very harmful effect on my quality of life these days and my ability to stay on top of my responsibilities.
I'm there now and I don't know how in the world to get past it hunts everything about me I'm still trying to do positive things with this keeps reoccurring thank you for sharing the video maybe I will learn something quick😢
The relationsh!# that I had with the person who fully opened my eyes and heart to the fact that his exists, was short termed. It cut the deepest. I figured since I didn't learn previously, the lesson intended, this was the one that broke me open and although I feel it took a shorter time than what I'm learning and seeing could be years, I am doing my best to heal myself and the issues that were mirrored to me through this . I had no idea it would cause a spiritual awakening, I'm in this wide open, want this shit to hurry up and pass space, yet I am appreciative for what I'm learning at this time. Finding your videos is confirmation if that and I've been coming up on some great content. I thought I was being obsessive with my research but I appreciate it immensely! Thank you for your approachable manner to dealing with the residual effects of encountering narc abuse, it's deeper that what's romanticized.
I appreciate much I have heard in your videos as I try to figure out whether someone I don't know well is a narc. But we are not separate from our brains and we do need to make sense. That's why videos like yours are helpful. Mindfulness and taking back space are good, but the logic of what the person we think might be a narc is actually doing is essential. Believing in our *ability* to make sense of things is too. PS Almost the next thing I read: "Remember to always ask yourself how you feel and remain true to what your actual desires are." Logic and feeling are both essential, as is remaining true to oneself and to love.
7 weeks after breaking up with my covert narc psychopath, I thought I was making some good distance from the ruminating and obsessively trying to figure out every lie he told and how all the puzzle pieces fit. Except today, I keep thinking about one situating in particular, wanting more information, more answers but knowing that it's not even worth thinking about because it won't change the fact I know who he is now and there's nothing I can do to change anything in the past. It hurts my pride though to be honest. I just pray for the next victim that she will see him for who he is and RUN!
My rumination is what i wish i could have said to my former friends, explaining to others how they behaved, and having others believe me. sometimes its even darker its imagining them doing things that i only suspected they did but did not have 100% evidence to prove. I hate that i give them so much thought and energy, its been about 1 1/2 since i went no contact. i just cannot seem to get over it. i hate that at times i wish them bad luck, it makes me feel like a shitty person, but i cannot stop ruminating.
It’s funny, because I would often say OK hold on let me wrap my head around mess for a second… And he would say there’s nothing to wrap your head around it’s simple.
Wow, thank you for this. Definitely needed it. I just found your videos and have spent the last two hours binging them lol. I recently ended up being severely depressed and in emotional breakdown/burnout because of the stress I was feeling from a job/boss. I didn't understand it at the time, but since then have come to realize the boss' narcissistic behavior. Since quitting the job I have been obsessed and ruminating over it all and trying to make sense of my boss and our relationship. Her last attack toward me was an aggressive text out of the blue victimizing herself, blaming me for things I never said, and picking apart one of my social media posts. Since then, I've blocked her on everything but have found myself so hesitant to post anything on my social media because of her, and now I know I need to stop holding that space for her! Thanks so much for your helpful and insightful videos!
I find i ruminate more and it birhers me more if i have fallen into one of his pre-emptive argument strukes where thet cause me ti walj our, thus making HIM feel jusrified being the victum. I kick myself for that. Theres been times when i've left wirhout any warning, and although i've doubted my decision, i've not thought about him as much. 🍒
This was really helpful. I was married for 27 years to a covert narcissist and eventually got out. I'm tend to approach life like a detective, always trying to understand dynamics in people and in society. I lost a huge amount of confidence and trust in my own perceptions and judgement because of the subtle gaslighting I endured for years. I've been stuck in a repetitive loop of confusing rumination, trying to figure out what happened and what was my part in it.. what could I have one differently.... why he appeared so quietly full of integrity, at the same time as being completely inensitive and would proclaim judgement on me, with quiet certainty (entitilememt), twisting every bit of blame for his own lack of care and support, into blaming me for his lack of support.. I keep trying to lay this relationship to rest and let it and him go... but then I get a rush of anger at a sudden memory of the way he treated me and our kids and then I go back into the rumination, hoping to finally find resolution and peace. My biggest regret is that I didn't value myself enough at the start and that I didn't get out in the second year of our marriage when it became apparent how undermining and wholly unsupportive he actually was ... but then I remember that I was fairly ill at that time, for about 2 years, and then was pregnant again... and also had no money to leave..so I forgive myself for the umpteenth time in this endless rumination process. The other thing that triggers it all again is if I come up against friends of his (former friends of mine) who tell me he Is such a lovely guy and they can't understand why I left him, and how I had devastated and nearly destroyed him. Interestingly, his mum said she totally understood why I left him and was surprised that I didn't leave years earlier. She said he was just like his father who was incredibly insensitive and uncaring. I just want him out of my head and my awareness. I cant believe it's been 15 years since I left and I still haven't resolved it in my head. He lives a few miles away, follows me on Instagram and our grown up kids visit him occasionally. Do I need to accept that I will never make sense of it all because none of it made sense? I avoid seeing him, or going anywhere he might be and also avoid all my former friends who took his side after I left him. There is a pretty vicious gossip network in this rural area. I ended up becoming a complete hermit, not helped by the fact that I developed severe M.E. following a virus, a year after I left him, so was bedridden for a long time. I feel a need to resolve things in my head because of the deep impact it has had on my self worth and my ability to relate to others .
You’re not alone- a lot of us can resonate with your story. Some of us knew and recognized the signs but either thought we could handle it or our mind tried to “spackle” it. The self betrayal can be our most difficult challenge… isolation sigh
@@nicholettej1742 Yes... although in my head I still get angry with him about different situations, perhaps the harder bit is forgiving myself for not leaving much earlier on... but I was ignorant and the problem with covert narcissist is that the CV isn't obviously nasty or abusive, it's much more subtle and quiet and much harder to spot the all pervasive but very subtle gaslighting that's happening all the time..
I’m convinced I dated a narc for a year. He broke up (discarded) me every 2 weeks, because apparently I was too ‘skinny!’ He wanted me to put on more weight, I tried but couldn’t... not good enough for him, so discarded me. Then he would hoover me over and over, saying and making me feel ‘beautiful’ etc. I fell for it again and agin. A living nightmare, thinking back! He’s got a new supply now though, (someone with a lot more weight than me) Even though I still love him, never again i will put up that again with anyone!
Run a mile Livi a decent guy who really loved you would love you not matter how you looked. If you had kids with this guy he would treat the children the same way and devalue them too
work on improving yourself for your next relationship: Health, fitness, clean your place, clean your car, career, education, friendships. DATE! Break the rumination with anything that works: Exercise, music, funny videos or movies, time with friends and family, reading etc. I know because I am an introvert that rumination is part of my existence and I am trying to shake off a toxic woman.
I think the “other” perception and opinions you get to learn one way or another, is tough. You have to have to be strong in your resolve that it’s not you. Therapy or coaching with someone who has been through it. Substitute utubes for your addiction to the narc. Choose topics you are ruminating on and multi play. Reset your self talk. Understand you are not incomplete just traumatized. Remove all traces of them including mutual friends. Think mutual friends are like a sealed bottle of whiskey to an alcoholic. Get a new hobby, anything at all. Hold your head high as a survivor who can live alone for a while. It’s not forever if you do the above. It will pass and your future is safer than ever before.
Mine pushed me so hard through so much emotional torture that it was nearly every weekend. He would set up a small thing that would cause me to question something, knowing i was insecure because he'd messed with my mind so bad with mind games. I'd ask the question, and he'd strike like a rattlesnake into horrific screaming and shouting so bad he'd lose his breath.... trying to fill in every nanosecond of screaming so that i could not have a single chance to speak. The pain of this went right through me knowing there was no way to stop him and he'd lose his mind, and then hang up on me and disappear for the weekend, as he ignored my texts. He left me with no ability to say a word other than text so I'd blow up his phone. It was like a sword had just been plunged into my stomach as I desperately tried to let out the pain. But he was silent. 2 days of texting, because i had so much to let out and he refused to EVER speak about the issues. When we'd come back to talking on the 3rd day, which was always me having to call him, he'd be on high guard, almost daring me to piss him off again, and I just continued trying to make it work. I KNEW it was abuse. I loved him so much and he was an alcoholic, and he finally told me he was going to get sober. He faked it. He started sneaking and lying about it. He'd get so vicious unless i kissed his ass. Told me I'm a miserable person, and that I just dont want him to be happy, and that he's moving on with his life so he can be happy. 100% of the time he made me feel like I was the one causing it all, because I asked questions. There's so much to it that I forgot so much because of the chaos. I was always crying and terrified of him ending it. He didn't care. I constantly told him how bad he was hurting me and he'd just say I did it to him too. He did admit he doesn't know where the rage came from and kept saying he was ADHD. He has singlehandedly made me lose all hope for any happiness at all in my life. I was single for 10 years before him, swore off any idea of a relationship and he was the one i fell for because I'd known him for years and he'd always seemed so respectful. The signs were there-- he admitted to cheating on his ex repeatedly. I feel like the weakest person in the world. I have a large sphere of friends and don't want to talk to any of them. I just want to disappear.
My rumination not only involves being lied to and used for years, it also mainly involves feelings of inferiority, worthlessness, rejection, and stupidity. It has been 8 months and I am still unable to even reflect without feeling like I am being stabbed in the chest with the butcher knife. Meanwhile he is off living in unicorn and sunshine land with his new perfect woman. Everything he refused to give me over 7 years, he gave to her within 30 days. I waited for him for 7 years, and when he cheated on me and dumped me he said it was because he was tired of waiting on me. SMH
1:15 in and I am going to say it is because in reality we want to see them suffer as much as we have suffered. Revenge is not a good thing people. It only shows we are as capable as being like them if we don’t control ourselves. 8:09 cheating is the norm today. Have tried so many times to explain to my ex wife the destruction she has caused and it always either goes nowhere or she gets mad and either explodes or swiftly walks away. I catch myself talking about it out loud so many times like I am trying to figure out a different way to explain it to her so she will get it. I have wasted so much energy and mental health on someone who has never really cared. At least I got 4 amazing kids out of the deal. Yes it ended up a deal with her I thought it was a committed lifetime relationship.
How does it feel holding onto them? Gifts are just things, but if you feel an emotional attachment (as we usually do), you may want to make a decision 🙏❤
Lol I love this I'm a Cancer I'm a ruminating person he's a Capricorn with narcissistic disorder how do I fix that he's actually a good person but right now I'm not talking to him because he won't allow me to talk he's the one that does all the talking his brain cannot handle when others talk to him
These narcs, they have a history of shit relationships. And the best predictor of future relationships are past relationships. The common denominator in all of them is the narc. You didn’t enjoy the game while you were in it, let it play out exactly the same without you.
Interesting that they do not compute. Until we have the Narcissist Playbook. H.G. Tudor cites that Narcissists use 'Anti-Logic' to drag Empaths into their vortex. But the Anti-Logic will never be solved. K ; )
@ Empaths wish to problem solve. Narcissists need crisis to generate drama and narcissistic supply for faulty dopamine receptors. Anti-Logic is like 'distress signals' for the empath to help. But it is really the entrance to a hornet's nest of irrational chaos to 'milk' the empath of energy and cause emotional chaos in the nervous system of others so the narcissist zombies can out-source emotion they can't express because of emotional constipation. Like a fridge. The heat exchanger changes hot to cold. The narcissist uses the emotional system of the victim to process their stuck emotions. So the Anti-Logic is a bait/honey trap to get the empath hooked and drained of resources for the narc ; ) K
2 года назад
@@khaartoumsings Very deep and insight full comment. Where and how did you learn it? Congrats.
@ Emotional Vampires - Albert Bernstein. Puzzling People - Thomas Sheridan [see his YT channel]. The Psychopath Code. These are all good sources of the tribe that are hunting us! ; ) K
2 года назад
@@khaartoumsings Whoa! Very intersting! Why did you go so deep in this..?
I experienced this once in the past. I couldn't get it out of my head. I thought about suicide. Eventually it just fizzled away. People told me I didn't do anything wrong. It was all them from what they could tell.
Your videos are so helpful...do you have anything for a person that has to work with a narcissist?I am thinking of getting a new job just so that i can be away from my narcissist coworker.pleasehelp
How am I supposed to move on? I still feel so much love (or addiction?). I feel trapped in this relationship and yet I feel so sorry because I know he's not completely aware of what he's doing to me. It hurts so much
I want to add some tips that I have found useful. Make rumination your friend. I am not a clinician but in my experience with traumatic recovery from a toxin mother, older brother, and spouse, there is a good reason to ruminate. Your body/brain knows what you have been through doesn't make sense, so it goes back repeatedly to the same experiences until you "get it." Instead of trying to smack down these thoughts, take them very seriously. Write the thoughts down. Accept that there is a lesson there waiting to be learned. Once written down, you can tell yourself that the thought is now safe if you need to go back to it. Instead of riding the carousel of repetitive thoughts, ask you self WHY these thoughts are so important. In other words, to simply get off the carousel and watch it spin. Then look for the drive mechanisms of the carousel. Using mindfulness or similar, change your perspective from the thought itself, to why you are having the thought. I have found that many times if find myself "ruminating" it precedes a major change in understanding... Much like someone standing on a bridge finding the courage to jump into the water below. Long held beliefs die hard.
Thanks for watching! What have you ruminate over after a relationship with a narcissist? If you have any tips for overcoming rumination, please feel free to share. It may help someone! ❤🙏
Great vid, really enjoyed it! FYI your hair is looking super cute! Looks great
My situation right now
@@cecakhan2581 sorry to hear that!
My rumination is taking the form of anger. I am so very angry, at him, at me for tolerating the behavior for so long. Probably more so at me. I am having such a difficult time letting go of the anger. The two things I’m finding that are helping the most are mindful meditation and simple yoga. The one thing that doesn’t help at least not long term is venting. Venting feels good momentarily, just to vomit out that emotion, but it tends to intensify the anger, and I hang on to it sort of like a low boiling pot at the back of the stove. I’m working on that. I’m trying to cut myself a little slack as far as time frame for recovery goes because I was in this situation for over 17 years. I realize that there has been a lot of insidious emotional undermining that I have to come to grips with. I’ll get there, I’m closer. Right now I’m a work in progress.
It helps me to chant a small phrase/mantra whenever my thoughts gravitate towards this person. Repeating the chant until thoughts go away.
My rumination turns into self-blame. I get mad at myself for not recognizing the situation earlier and putting up with so much for so long.
Same!!! Like how could I have not realized. I always knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out. Then I did. Now I can’t stop obsessing over it all.
That's not fair to you. They're manipulators and well versed in turning wonderful people into shells of their former selves. Anyone would be a victim, not just you.
Same here I tell myself I had to go through it to learn it and recognize if it happens again I just tell myself it’s apart of my journey I’m learning and I’m growing and I forgive myself for my mistakes
I guess I'm a super empath! I saw it coming from a mile away and I feel guilty for romantizing the relationship wanting to believe it was real. I ended up calling them out and they knew they didn't have control over me anymore. So, they couldn't get their supply anymore.
Same here
I left my Covert Narcissist husband of 17 years, 2 years ago. In my state you have to be separated at least 12 months before you can begin the divorce process. So for 2 years, I struggled. I ruminated, I kept hoping he'd realize what he was losing and begin to fight for the marriage. Today was the final divorce court appearance. I hadn't seen him for 2 years and I am not exaggerating, he looked dreadful. He's younger than me and he was always so handsome. Today in court he was unkempt, bags under his eyes and just a mess. It was bizarre. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that this was my husband. I was in divorce court with a complete stranger. When I went back to my car, I thought I'd be devastated, but I was relieved. Optimistic, buoyant, excited for my future (I'm 65). I was ruminating when I held out hope. The divorce freed me from the false hope. I'm so glad I pushed on even when I wanted to try again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. BTW. I did take care of myself. I bought a little RV, and camped for the summer on Lake Michigan. I swam everyday, working up to 2 miles. I painted, hiked and made new friends. I also downloaded the app ABIDE, it helped me meditate. Gave me wisdom and peace.oh my goodness this is a banner day!!
Love this ! How are you now ? 💪🏼
Glory! I'm glad that you're doing well and take care of yourself. My verbal abuser is my own son. I've held out hope that he was he was going to change for way too long.
So happy for you!❤ Live warrior, live❤
Good for you, your story is simmilar to mine, we are in the distance face and I'm waiting for my freedom...last time I saw him was far beyond the handsome man I used to know...A total stranger... God bless you!!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your success story! You are an inspiration for us! Stay strong in love and happiness 😊
There are no unicorns. No one is special. There are no soul mates. Only guys and dolls
If your relationship gets to devaluation, believe them when they show you who they are. You know what needs to be done.
Absolutely 💯
It doesn't make sense because we are of two brains, now. The trauma bond changes the brain and causes it to become addicted to the tormentor. A normal person would never do this, never put up with this. They would be on the next train out of town. We are impaired, desperate to make sense of something that never will. Our addicted brain tries to reconcile endlessly, thus the rumination.
It takes time to get over the break up, hurt people hurt people,you can say what if all day long, what if you didn't bump into this mental case, you must stop emotional thinking about them and realize that they are a narcissist and they are mental and will never change, so stop emotional thinking, and gas lighting yourself and move forward, they ain't worth it.👍 Christina and survivors and thrivers 🙏
Nearly 2 years after break up/discard I still can’t stop thinking about it the narc and how he’s still with the supply he dumped me for. How is he still with her? I don’t doubt it’s not all rosy but how has he not packed her in yet, what is keeping him in that? I can’t stop checking his social media, her social media, it’s driving me nuts
@@laaaah4577 you must stop torturing yourself and just let go and move forward, pretend he's dead and don't exist anymore, I want you to Google NPD and read through it all and you will find out what they really are about, they will never change, you will never make the wrong person happy and the wrong person will never make you happy 🙏
I realize now that i overcame something i didn't even know was happening. I went through every memory and healed myself. Grateful to be free.
Thats awesome. Wish you a great journey ahead.
An observation of my past: I found I was so completely enmeshed in my mother’s narcissistic behavior patterns I picked those up as “desirable” in others who were also narcissists and threaded those personality types throughout my friendships and love relationships in my past. I was like a child who felt worthless who found my mother’s behavior powerful and dominant and therefore significant to seek out in others. It was a sad starvation diet for certain.
It's so difficult and confusing when they barefaced lie to your face and accuse you constantly of, as it turned out, all the things HE was doing. Swore on his beloved father's grave he had never and would never cheat. All the while, multiple relationships, all unprotected sex. Just mind boggling the extent of the deceit. Thank goodness I am done with him now. Thanks, Christina 💕
Same happened to me. She accused me viciously and out of the blue for the things she was about to do (cheat). It makes no sense. It will never make sense. It’s not a puzzle, there is no solution, and there never will be a solution.
They will even lie on their family's soul. That tells how low of a POS they are. Just think about it!
So important not to try force thoughts out of your head.
Meditation is not about eliminating thoughts but about being the observer and not identified with them and learning to redirect your focus to a more empowering and productive perspective as you navigate day to day life.😀
yes the more I can notice the thoughts the less reactive I become to them and the covert, its awesome no longer will he hold the power over me.
Great tips. Thank you so much.
I've been love bombed and then ghosted. Repeatedly by the same person. Sometimes it amuses me because I know it's not real, but another part of me wishes the love bombs were authentic because I'm lonely. It makes it hard to let go.
I feel you.
🙏
Why don't you love bomb yourself???
Maybe that concept sounds a bit outlandish.
How can a person devalue you if you know your value and value yourself?
Once you understand projection, you realize it wasn't the other person not valuing you, it was you not valuing yourself and the other person not valuing themselves because just like yourself they were trying to get their value and approval from you also.
Take yourself out on dates and trips and get yourself flowers and stuff...life is too short not to treat yourself kindly 🙂
Look into their eyes in a sad situation. They'll be looking at others faces to mimic or not making eye contact. They have no tears
Why does “rumination” return when you do not want it to do so?
Every time I believe I have it under control for a spell, it comes back.😞
Even in my dreams I ruminate. I try to force myself to wake up, but am unable to do so at times…Its bizarre.
Awake or sleep, it appears. 😳🤯
In my experience, I spent a lot of my life ruminating on this stuff. Several years go I learned about narcissism and the uniqueness of their abuse. My father was a violent malignant narcissist/sociopath and my mother was a covert/boarder line as far as I can tell. Gas lighting, violence and abandonment was commonplace. They sold it like that was everyone else’s home was like as well. Lots of conflicting things deep in my experience. I think the missing thing about ruminating is soaking in the WIN. When you finally find the information. Told in the way you experienced it. Learning that you are not crazy, is the biggest deal. You should really take pause and choose to celebrate the weight being lifted from our experience.
My rumination are mostly things my mother said ( that I'm crazy/ not normal/like being miserable) and how she made me feel like I'm never good enough. I always feel like a bad person and since I have OCD my brain obsesses with these thoughts and if you know how OCD intrusive thoughts can be you know it's constant doubt. I struggle to feel genuine ( because I was often told by my mother I was a faker) and feel like whenever I try to do nice things my brain tells me I'm just trying to trick people and I'm not genuine then I doubt myself more. It's so exhausting trying to build my confidence when feel like I can't trust myself and that loving myself flaws and all ( not being perfect) is bad
I needed this today, thank you. Especially the part about taking care of your body, I feel like I’m in a spiral and can’t focus on myself. I will take baby steps!
Guided meditation is good for that.
@@dolaopposite thanks! I’ll try it out!
A few days ago I felt that I would lose my mind, after talking to a therapist, and researching narcissists through these videos and writings. My brain is able to get past the things I were overthinking about little by little. True it's going to take time ,but things will get better.
The worst relationship for you to be in, is the one you can't let go of.
💙RUclipsr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Wow... How timely....I was just trashed and thrown away by a "friend" on Thanksgiving day. She really just like for people to use and what they can get from people. I gave her enough benefit of the doubt... enough if enough. I was played...plan and simple. Nothing was genuine. My heart still hurts. She left so abruptly when things weren't working for her anymore
Narcissists tend to be quite active during the holidays, both hoovering and discarding are common, unfortunately. Be well 🙏❤
My heart goes out to you .. happened to me….7 years and then totally discarded..
Hurts like hell ….4 months now but beginning to understand what happened and no longer blaming myself…
Sincerely hope you move on quickly…
Awww, I’m very sorry that happened to you. It sounds very cruel, callous, and deeply heartbreaking 💔 ❤️🩹
@@deantaylor1512 I'm doing better. Trying to let go of the toxic hate I want to hold on her
You said the discard happens so quickly. Yes, you get whiplash and it comes out of the blue when it doesn’t work for them. Bravo you are right!
being a spiritual person, I consider the rumination of the narcissist living in our head as if it is a spiritual vampire - still feeding off of our energy... I think looking into cutting energy cords is also a helpful solution.
I've learned to be accountable and not expect accountability from the narcissist.
Sound insight! ...As long as you're not taking accountability for their bad behavior 🙏❤
@@CommonEgo That's why I stopped expecting them to; because she always said, "I did nothing wrong. "
This year, I've come to terms with my mother's dysfunction. She is involved with both sides of my family, despite her divorce from my father over 20 years ago. My ruminations seem to focus on wondering what negative things my mother has said about me, my life, and my relationship to my dad's family.
EVERY SINGLE WORD! Thank you for sharing this information. My narc, my mother, punished me until the very end. After being diagnosed with terminal cancer she cut me out of her will after promising months and months she’d take care of me since I couldn’t work. They are evil and unfortunately it takes these kinds of experiences to shake you awake. I am going to delete the photos of her on my phone. While watching this video I realized I was still hanging onto someone that wanted me to suffer while dying. No more.
Thanks for the great information. Rumination has always been a problem for me, as an INFJ - and what I've learned is that INFJs are particularly prone to it. What I do is a type of meditation called "self-guided visualization" with music where I create the appropriate visuals which help me to achieve a certain outcomes. It is a technique that I learned from a Native American practitioner who leads vision quests. It is a very specific process with several "stages." It takes a bit of training but it is highly effective. If the ruminations creep back in after a period of time, I repeat the procedure as necessary and eventually the thoughts are extinguished immediately just by recalling a key image from the meditation.
MossyRock, I want to learn how to do that type of meditation. Where can I learn how to do it or research that type of meditation? I am also an INFJ.
-Emily Wilson
@@emilywilson7308 Hi Emily. Thanks for your question. This specific technique was taught to me 20 years ago and it was the practitioner's own unique technique. Not surprisingly, I'm not seeing anything like it on the web. If you want to drop me an email we can get in touch with each other and I can explain it to you the best that I can although I am not any sort of practitioner myself. You can find my email address on my RUclips channel's home page under the "about" tab. It says "for business inquiries" even though I am NOT a business in any way (I have no way to change the label there).
@@Mossy-Rock I can’t find it.
@@Mossy-Rock I would also like to learn how to do that. I'll see if I can find your email if you don't mind?
@@radaka Sure, I’ll try to explain it to you. My email address is in my YT “about” tab. It’s visible in a desktop browser session but not from a mobile device for some reason.
Jobs that are available now won't always be available but men who won't compromise will always be.
I really need one on one counseling bc just shredded. You are right I just can't sit here
Betterhelp can be good !! U can do from home ! It’s always better to talk it out, rather than keep it in the closet so to speak. Look after urself 🙂❤️
I just decided to ghost a narcissist and this video is so helpful to me (a huge over-thinker!). This guy went from non-stop engaging with me and saying very serious things that hinted towards living together, marriage, having kids, being involved with my kids (which he all said was “flirting” that I took too seriously when he got bored with me). Literally, the guy was hitting on girls in front of me, and when I said something, he addressed my concerns on Saturday, then got mad and dumped me on Sunday. Then he returned two days later saying we just had a “bump in the road” and “this was our first fight,” but, when I went to see him a few days later and thought we had a good time, he dumped me over a really petty reason that made no sense (now I think he found a new supply and so he didn’t think he needed me again).
Another two days passed and he texts me yelling that he doesn’t like my Instagram post - claiming I was rubbing my good life in his face. That made no sense to me, because he didn’t want to be with me anyways, but I lead him talk. Five days later he calls me apologizing profusely about treating me so badly, and begging for another chance. When I gave him one, he kept running hot and cold - between “we were never an item” and “oh let’s make all these plans together that serious couples would make.” And as soon as I left, he was acting put out to talk to me the very next day, then stopped responding to me. That’s when I found out he had a bad date that ended right before he called me, and then I found his profile on a dating site, after just asking for another chance with me! I blocked him everywhere at that moment.
I have spent days wracking my brain to understand what I did wrong and why he put in all this energy to get me back if he wasn’t actually interested in me. He spent weeks acting like he liked me romantically and that I was the best match in the world for him just to turn on me as soon as I turned out to be human. I was turning a blind eye to things and giving him multiple chance when things felt weird because I was feeling attached to him. It’s hurtful to be toyed with! I didn’t deserve that! And this video made me realize that I didn’t like him, I was getting addicted to his love bombing and trying to get that good phase back. He was fake to use me, and that hurts...
men will tell you anytin to copulate wiv you , sorry for te bad spellin but 2 keys ave stopped workin on my keyboard , if i was a woman i would make a man wait 2 monts ten i would know e is not just tere 4 sex
Right,the love bombing pull's at you deepest desires. And the other two phases confuses you from that..... She's right, the mind can't process these inconsistent behaviors.
ive got a new keyboard now, what i was trying to say he keeps coming back for sex, most likely , then once he has had it he's off and treating you like crap. i had a mate do that once , disgusting behaviour but you women go for guys like that .
Block him, he is using you and taking advantage of you by thinking he can "just" come back
@@NEbluefire that's exactly what I'm going to try to do. I'll change it to Satan's spawn 👹 ⬅️ that's really a picture of him lol
I spent 7 years going through this cycle..
I put it down to her just blowing hot and cold …..I thought we had become very close plutonic friends and yes I thought we had a bond like I had never experienced before … but no … just a narcissistic game … had the final discarded about 4 months ago … she changed her job and my use was no longer needed….was heartbroken at first but began to think something strange had gone on … came to RUclips and finally started to find answers…
Can’t believe that at 57 now I fell for any of it … 7 years of lies just to give a needy woman her daily support in the work place … and by god did she need support…so many times crying on my shoulder… helping her with her work load .. and soothing over aguments with co workers …. I guess so just saw through her … only wish they had tipped me off … but she hid behind her anxiety and frailty… just lovely little Lorraine… not a bad bone in her …. As she liked to say …
Great video, Christine. Rumination is a time killer for sure. My biggest beef with narcissism is that we only learn about it after the fact. After the damage is done. It should be a class that is taught in say... middle school. Home economics, pre-algebra, science, narcissism 101, P.E... after all, it seems like all narcissists go to the same school to learn their behavior, doesn't it? The narcissist is a home wrecker, a soul sapper, a people shredder that needs to be identified before they take action. It can only happen upstream.
Narcissism should definitely be taught in high school/college. Will save loads of trouble. Yes you are so on point that they repeat the same patterns.
Yes, idk if it’s common, but I was hit by all this recently.. I left the relationship with abuser last summer... for some reason it’s all coming up
Now. I am seeing it for what it is. I think I was in a denial phase for so long. Like surface level I knew but not deep down. I keep thinking I need to think it out so I can avoid it again as I didn’t see it at the time. But I’m trying to heal and self love and focus on BOUNDARIES going forward ❤️
Wow, you’ve explained narcissistic abuse beautifully. I appreciate this video because you’ve highlighted how different overcoming rumination is. Your advice to simply focus on a particular thing for even just 5 minutes is helpful. I’ve been meditating for years and right now, you’re right, it’s the last thing I want to do. But I will!!
🙏 thank you
Gaslighting is so frustrating...like constantly beind accused of stuff you know you didnt do, till the point you admit to stuff you didnt do! And then they hold that against you and then leave you for it...straight crazy making. My ex literally dragged me into counseling and did it to me there whike the counselor defender her. I divorced her and did one session with that counselor and showed her everything...she apologized right on the spot for not believing me she was having affairs and i wasnt just gaslighting her or being paranoid as she claimed...evidence based truths. I did find alot of peace with the rumination by prayer, anything that changes the dialogue in your thoughts. I personally found the rosary to be a prayer of powerful help. Mine came back four times and everytime it was just for her supply of sex..and it was always horrible feeling. I held so much contempt for her, so i wrote a letter and burned it, got rid of everything pertaining to her.
That apology must have felt vindicating. And that's for sharing what worked for you. Prayer and writing a letter to burn are great tips! 🙏❤
Great video & so true. You can never figure them out!! With mindfulness it’s good to really see something like you said about the leaf also focus on what you can smell & then what you can hear. Exercise & eating healthy & taking care of yourself helps also.
Thanks so much for this video. Ruminating has been really bad for me as I really struggle if I can’t figure something out. 😔
Hey I found out that I ruminated all the talks we had together and situations all over and over because my brain just could not accept that all accusations narcissist had where based on unjustice and lie. They were not true. The way he saw me and expected things I should do were just unjust or overboard. So I could not accept in my head that I could not make him see the reality or truth about me. So that injustice made me ruminate again and again. So I wrote all in a piece of paper and then I saw that I have tried to explain all of our problems so many times and he just didnt believe me. An never will. Best thing to do is go no contact ans he has no more ways to play with you.
It's so true nobody is good enough for the narc (🙂 my ex narc passed away without a love interest 🤷 he even told me himself that he didn't love no one) and nothing is ever good enough for the narc either PLEASE don't worry, you WON'T miss out on anything trust me just leave him/her.
Very good video. You cant make sense of crazy and it makes normal people feel crazy and obsessive trying to figure them out
Do you know how much you are helping me hang on? You are. And I appreciate your kindness and education every single day. I appreciate you, Christina! ❤️
Everything goes south after the honeymoon or whenever the masks come off. Takes two to tango, I'm relived when they found someone else that makes them happy. Take what you learned with you. Your suggestions are valid.
Fantastic breakdown (no pun intended) of the fallout period, and how a victim relives the trauma post narc. Not sure anyone else on the net has succinctly relayed these facts in such a clear and precise manner. Big thumbs up.
Yes, I am feeling emotional distress. Not sure if this person was a narcissist, Thank you
Thank you so much for your videos.
I am now 4 weeks no contact
6 weeks for me
Thank you Soooo So much for making this video!!! It was so very helpful for me! The holiday season, along with the fact that it’s soon approaching a year since I finally got free from my 8.5 year [toxic, hoovering, breadcrumbing, future faking, devaluating, discarding] relationship with a covert narcissist, smh, have had me paralyzed and truly barely able to function in day-to-day life due to Very Severe rumination, disregulation, and getting majorly triggered whenever conversations about my narcissistic parents or narcissistic ex take place. Plus, it makes me seem to others like I’m the one with a victim mentality (as you speak about in this video)…So needless to say, I’m definitely going to Have to begin weekly therapy sessions sometime soon, as it’s having a very harmful effect on my quality of life these days and my ability to stay on top of my responsibilities.
Thanks so much Christina so helpful 🙏
Louise P,You look cute 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
I'm there now and I don't know how in the world to get past it hunts everything about me I'm still trying to do positive things with this keeps reoccurring thank you for sharing the video maybe I will learn something quick😢
First I ruminated over proving the betrayal. Then I ruminated over the guilt around wanting to warn the new supply.
Thank you so much! It’s still
hard to wrap my brain around any of it!!!!😔
Thank you. Makes it easier to accept ❤. It is the same with family. Just a week ago no contact.
Great link to core beliefs in the intro.
Thanks... these relationships do tend to challenge those core beliefs
@@CommonEgo Yes
Thank you! Great advice.
Perfect timing for me, dear Christina , thank you so much for this video 🙏🌷
Yesssss ! It's so good when you recognise that it duzzent!! Make any sense!:)
Your videos have helped me so much.
I often come back to your videos for great advice - I appreciate you ♥️
@@oscarwilliamson1128 lol of course not! Thank you kindly :)
Thank you for addressing this. So helpful...❤
I like. The Rubik's cube is specific while rumination seems to delve into open ended suggestions that are more attack mode than anything else.
The relationsh!# that I had with the person who fully opened my eyes and heart to the fact that his exists, was short termed. It cut the deepest.
I figured since I didn't learn previously, the lesson intended, this was the one that broke me open and although I feel it took a shorter time than what I'm learning and seeing could be years, I am doing my best to heal myself and the issues that were mirrored to me through this .
I had no idea it would cause a spiritual awakening, I'm in this wide open, want this shit to hurry up and pass space, yet I am appreciative for what I'm learning at this time. Finding your videos is confirmation if that and I've been coming up on some great content. I thought I was being obsessive with my research but I appreciate it immensely! Thank you for your approachable manner to dealing with the residual effects of encountering narc abuse, it's deeper that what's romanticized.
This is spot on. Thank you.
I appreciate much I have heard in your videos as I try to figure out whether someone I don't know well is a narc. But we are not separate from our brains and we do need to make sense. That's why videos like yours are helpful. Mindfulness and taking back space are good, but the logic of what the person we think might be a narc is actually doing is essential. Believing in our *ability* to make sense of things is too. PS Almost the next thing I read: "Remember to always ask yourself how you feel and remain true to what your actual desires are." Logic and feeling are both essential, as is remaining true to oneself and to love.
7 weeks after breaking up with my covert narc psychopath, I thought I was making some good distance from the ruminating and obsessively trying to figure out every lie he told and how all the puzzle pieces fit. Except today, I keep thinking about one situating in particular, wanting more information, more answers but knowing that it's not even worth thinking about because it won't change the fact I know who he is now and there's nothing I can do to change anything in the past. It hurts my pride though to be honest. I just pray for the next victim that she will see him for who he is and RUN!
My rumination is what i wish i could have said to my former friends, explaining to others how they behaved, and having others believe me. sometimes its even darker its imagining them doing things that i only suspected they did but did not have 100% evidence to prove. I hate that i give them so much thought and energy, its been about 1 1/2 since i went no contact. i just cannot seem to get over it. i hate that at times i wish them bad luck, it makes me feel like a shitty person, but i cannot stop ruminating.
I wish I could never think about it agian
It’s funny, because I would often say OK hold on let me wrap my head around mess for a second… And he would say there’s nothing to wrap your head around it’s simple.
Told her the crime she was doing to another woman and she gave me final silence.
Wow, thank you for this. Definitely needed it. I just found your videos and have spent the last two hours binging them lol.
I recently ended up being severely depressed and in emotional breakdown/burnout because of the stress I was feeling from a job/boss.
I didn't understand it at the time, but since then have come to realize the boss' narcissistic behavior. Since quitting the job I have been obsessed and ruminating over it all and trying to make sense of my boss and our relationship.
Her last attack toward me was an aggressive text out of the blue victimizing herself, blaming me for things I never said, and picking apart one of my social media posts. Since then, I've blocked her on everything but have found myself so hesitant to post anything on my social media because of her, and now I know I need to stop holding that space for her!
Thanks so much for your helpful and insightful videos!
I find i ruminate more and it birhers me more if i have fallen into one of his pre-emptive argument strukes where thet cause me ti walj our, thus making HIM feel jusrified being the victum. I kick myself for that. Theres been times when i've left wirhout any warning, and although i've doubted my decision, i've not thought about him as much. 🍒
This was such good info! I’ve been learning about how to heal from my narc dad for years and this is one of the best videos I’ve come across 🙏
I grew up with a narcissist and then married one. That's over 40years of rumination. It took me a year after the divorce to calm my mind.
Glad to hear you found that calm 🙏❤
How did you calm your mind? x
I'm amazed it only took a year. I'm 7 months out and still ruminate daily.
This was really helpful. I was married for 27 years to a covert narcissist and eventually got out. I'm tend to approach life like a detective, always trying to understand dynamics in people and in society. I lost a huge amount of confidence and trust in my own perceptions and judgement because of the subtle gaslighting I endured for years.
I've been stuck in a repetitive loop of confusing rumination, trying to figure out what happened and what was my part in it.. what could I have one differently.... why he appeared so quietly full of integrity, at the same time as being completely inensitive and would proclaim judgement on me, with quiet certainty (entitilememt), twisting every bit of blame for his own lack of care and support, into blaming me for his lack of support..
I keep trying to lay this relationship to rest and let it and him go... but then I get a rush of anger at a sudden memory of the way he treated me and our kids and then I go back into the rumination, hoping to finally find resolution and peace.
My biggest regret is that I didn't value myself enough at the start and that I didn't get out in the second year of our marriage when it became apparent how undermining and wholly unsupportive he actually was ... but then I remember that I was fairly ill at that time, for about 2 years, and then was pregnant again... and also had no money to leave..so I forgive myself for the umpteenth time in this endless rumination process.
The other thing that triggers it all again is if I come up against friends of his (former friends of mine) who tell me he Is such a lovely guy and they can't understand why I left him, and how I had devastated and nearly destroyed him. Interestingly, his mum said she totally understood why I left him and was surprised that I didn't leave years earlier. She said he was just like his father who was incredibly insensitive and uncaring.
I just want him out of my head and my awareness. I cant believe it's been 15 years since I left and I still haven't resolved it in my head. He lives a few miles away, follows me on Instagram and our grown up kids visit him occasionally. Do I need to accept that I will never make sense of it all because none of it made sense?
I avoid seeing him, or going anywhere he might be and also avoid all my former friends who took his side after I left him. There is a pretty vicious gossip network in this rural area. I ended up becoming a complete hermit, not helped by the fact that I developed severe M.E. following a virus, a year after I left him, so was bedridden for a long time. I feel a need to resolve things in my head because of the deep impact it has had on my self worth and my ability to relate to others .
You’re not alone- a lot of us can resonate with your story. Some of us knew and recognized the signs but either thought we could handle it or our mind tried to “spackle” it. The self betrayal can be our most difficult challenge… isolation sigh
@@nicholettej1742 Yes... although in my head I still get angry with him about different situations, perhaps the harder bit is forgiving myself for not leaving much earlier on... but I was ignorant and the problem with covert narcissist is that the CV isn't obviously nasty or abusive, it's much more subtle and quiet and much harder to spot the all pervasive but very subtle gaslighting that's happening all the time..
If anyone says they don't understand why you left, tell them to live with him.
Excellent content
I’m convinced I dated a narc for a year. He broke up (discarded) me every 2 weeks, because apparently I was too ‘skinny!’ He wanted me to put on more weight, I tried but couldn’t... not good enough for him, so discarded me. Then he would hoover me over and over, saying and making me feel ‘beautiful’ etc. I fell for it again and agin. A living nightmare, thinking back! He’s got a new supply now though, (someone with a lot more weight than me) Even though I still love him, never again i will put up that again with anyone!
Nothing is ever enough for a narcissist. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and I hope you're getting back to yourself 🙏❤
@@CommonEgo right! I’m doing better, thank you. I love your videos btw. They help me a lot.
Run a mile Livi a decent guy who really loved you would love you not matter how you looked. If you had kids with this guy he would treat the children the same way and devalue them too
I am going through this right now.
Hey Christina! That thumbnail! 😂😉❤️🙏
Hey hey... got your attention 😜
Yes you got it!! 😂😉😘
work on improving yourself for your next relationship: Health, fitness, clean your place, clean your car, career, education, friendships. DATE! Break the rumination with anything that works: Exercise, music, funny videos or movies, time with friends and family, reading etc. I know because I am an introvert that rumination is part of my existence and I am trying to shake off a toxic woman.
I think the “other” perception and opinions you get to learn one way or another, is tough. You have to have to be strong in your resolve that it’s not you. Therapy or coaching with someone who has been through it. Substitute utubes for your addiction to the narc. Choose topics you are ruminating on and multi play. Reset your self talk. Understand you are not incomplete just traumatized. Remove all traces of them including mutual friends. Think mutual friends are like a sealed bottle of whiskey to an alcoholic. Get a new hobby, anything at all. Hold your head high as a survivor who can live alone for a while. It’s not forever if you do the above. It will pass and your future is safer than ever before.
Thank you I have been trying to get over ruminating and this helps...
Mine pushed me so hard through so much emotional torture that it was nearly every weekend. He would set up a small thing that would cause me to question something, knowing i was insecure because he'd messed with my mind so bad with mind games. I'd ask the question, and he'd strike like a rattlesnake into horrific screaming and shouting so bad he'd lose his breath.... trying to fill in every nanosecond of screaming so that i could not have a single chance to speak. The pain of this went right through me knowing there was no way to stop him and he'd lose his mind, and then hang up on me and disappear for the weekend, as he ignored my texts. He left me with no ability to say a word other than text so I'd blow up his phone. It was like a sword had just been plunged into my stomach as I desperately tried to let out the pain. But he was silent. 2 days of texting, because i had so much to let out and he refused to EVER speak about the issues. When we'd come back to talking on the 3rd day, which was always me having to call him, he'd be on high guard, almost daring me to piss him off again, and I just continued trying to make it work. I KNEW it was abuse. I loved him so much and he was an alcoholic, and he finally told me he was going to get sober. He faked it. He started sneaking and lying about it. He'd get so vicious unless i kissed his ass. Told me I'm a miserable person, and that I just dont want him to be happy, and that he's moving on with his life so he can be happy. 100% of the time he made me feel like I was the one causing it all, because I asked questions. There's so much to it that I forgot so much because of the chaos. I was always crying and terrified of him ending it. He didn't care. I constantly told him how bad he was hurting me and he'd just say I did it to him too. He did admit he doesn't know where the rage came from and kept saying he was ADHD. He has singlehandedly made me lose all hope for any happiness at all in my life. I was single for 10 years before him, swore off any idea of a relationship and he was the one i fell for because I'd known him for years and he'd always seemed so respectful. The signs were there-- he admitted to cheating on his ex repeatedly. I feel like the weakest person in the world. I have a large sphere of friends and don't want to talk to any of them. I just want to disappear.
Thank You … Thank You SO MUCH
My rumination not only involves being lied to and used for years, it also mainly involves feelings of inferiority, worthlessness, rejection, and stupidity. It has been 8 months and I am still unable to even reflect without feeling like I am being stabbed in the chest with the butcher knife. Meanwhile he is off living in unicorn and sunshine land with his new perfect woman. Everything he refused to give me over 7 years, he gave to her within 30 days. I waited for him for 7 years, and when he cheated on me and dumped me he said it was because he was tired of waiting on me. SMH
This was really really great
When you realize you can’t possibly do any more it’s time to go.
You have been so helpful. Much love.
Thank you very helpful ❤️🙏❤️
I wish I could be like a child again, like I was when I was 7 or 8, just enjoying keeping house plants, haha!:)
You're excellent!
1:15 in and I am going to say it is because in reality we want to see them suffer as much as we have suffered.
Revenge is not a good thing people. It only shows we are as capable as being like them if we don’t control ourselves.
8:09 cheating is the norm today.
Have tried so many times to explain to my ex wife the destruction she has caused and it always either goes nowhere or she gets mad and either explodes or swiftly walks away. I catch myself talking about it out loud so many times like I am trying to figure out a different way to explain it to her so she will get it.
I have wasted so much energy and mental health on someone who has never really cared. At least I got 4 amazing kids out of the deal. Yes it ended up a deal with her I thought it was a committed lifetime relationship.
Should I remove gifts she bought me in love bomb phase? Funny how I never got gifts after that phase
How does it feel holding onto them? Gifts are just things, but if you feel an emotional attachment (as we usually do), you may want to make a decision 🙏❤
@@CommonEgo yeah I was even suspicious of them at the time. Showering me with trinkets. I feel so conned.
Lol I love this I'm a Cancer I'm a ruminating person he's a Capricorn with narcissistic disorder how do I fix that he's actually a good person but right now I'm not talking to him because he won't allow me to talk he's the one that does all the talking his brain cannot handle when others talk to him
Amazing video. Thank you so much.
These narcs, they have a history of shit relationships. And the best predictor of future relationships are past relationships. The common denominator in all of them is the narc. You didn’t enjoy the game while you were in it, let it play out exactly the same without you.
Interesting that they do not compute. Until we have the Narcissist Playbook. H.G. Tudor cites that Narcissists use 'Anti-Logic' to drag Empaths into their vortex. But the Anti-Logic will never be solved. K ; )
Could you elaborate please?
@ Empaths wish to problem solve. Narcissists need crisis to generate drama and narcissistic supply for faulty dopamine receptors. Anti-Logic is like 'distress signals' for the empath to help. But it is really the entrance to a hornet's nest of irrational chaos to 'milk' the empath of energy and cause emotional chaos in the nervous system of others so the narcissist zombies can out-source emotion they can't express because of emotional constipation. Like a fridge. The heat exchanger changes hot to cold. The narcissist uses the emotional system of the victim to process their stuck emotions. So the Anti-Logic is a bait/honey trap to get the empath hooked and drained of resources for the narc ; ) K
@@khaartoumsings Very deep and insight full comment. Where and how did you learn it? Congrats.
@ Emotional Vampires - Albert Bernstein. Puzzling People - Thomas Sheridan [see his YT channel]. The Psychopath Code. These are all good sources of the tribe that are hunting us! ; ) K
@@khaartoumsings Whoa! Very intersting! Why did you go so deep in this..?
Yeah I ruminated for a long time after my ex finally broke up with me.
I experienced this once in the past. I couldn't get it out of my head. I thought about suicide. Eventually it just fizzled away. People told me I didn't do anything wrong. It was all them from what they could tell.
I think the hardest part for me is that the person never cared and it was all a lie.
Wow. Thank you!!
Thank you
Your videos are so helpful...do you have anything for a person that has to work with a narcissist?I am thinking of getting a new job just so that i can be away from my narcissist coworker.pleasehelp
How am I supposed to move on? I still feel so much love (or addiction?). I feel trapped in this relationship and yet I feel so sorry because I know he's not completely aware of what he's doing to me. It hurts so much
Thank you
POWERFUL!!
THANK YOU!
Nothings going to go back to where it was ...
I want to add some tips that I have found useful. Make rumination your friend. I am not a clinician but in my experience with traumatic recovery from a toxin mother, older brother, and spouse, there is a good reason to ruminate. Your body/brain knows what you have been through doesn't make sense, so it goes back repeatedly to the same experiences until you "get it." Instead of trying to smack down these thoughts, take them very seriously. Write the thoughts down. Accept that there is a lesson there waiting to be learned. Once written down, you can tell yourself that the thought is now safe if you need to go back to it.
Instead of riding the carousel of repetitive thoughts, ask you self WHY these thoughts are so important. In other words, to simply get off the carousel and watch it spin. Then look for the drive mechanisms of the carousel. Using mindfulness or similar, change your perspective from the thought itself, to why you are having the thought.
I have found that many times if find myself "ruminating" it precedes a major change in understanding... Much like someone standing on a bridge finding the courage to jump into the water below. Long held beliefs die hard.