“It’s okay to be lonely” Why Being Friendless is a Choice

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  • Опубликовано: 28 ноя 2024

Комментарии • 40

  • @theHoneyandAbsinthe
    @theHoneyandAbsinthe  Год назад +14

    I'd love to hear about your experiences with loneliness and friendships. Have you ever chosen to be friendless, and what were your reasons? Or, have you found unexpected benefits in making friends?

    • @sentimentalcircuscurator
      @sentimentalcircuscurator Год назад +3

      As someone with highfunctioning autism, I have been both "the popular person", because I was good at masking. But IT WAS EXHAUSTING. Not because I DISLIKED PEOPLE, and like "pretended" to like them, I GENUINELY LIKED THEM. But I was good at "reading them", and seeing patterns, and I sometimes sympathized with them so much that it felt like I should ALWAYS "soothe" them, listen to them and help them, EVEN WHEN THEY DIDNT DO THE SAME FOR ME. Also, girls/women have always been harder for me to befriend than boys/men, because Im too blunt and direct, and say what I think too much. And in female friendships its NEVER JUST ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY, but also HOW you say it."The Mirage of Innuendo". I cant tell you HOW MANY TIMES Ive said something, just to state the obvious, but a woman I wanted to befriend has read something negative into it, WITHOUT THERE BEING SOMETHING BAD MEANT WHATSOEVER. Theres just SO MANY THINGS to think about when youre making new friends. I still know how to get "casual friends", thats easy, NEVER EVER talk about negatives in your life, ask questions about them and then listen to them without expecting ANYTHING in return. And dont be needy. Especially now, because we are all in a society thats a little more antisocial. Needyness indicates desperation, and that makes "modern" people, deeply uncomfortable. Just go "like a bee from flower to flower", basically, nothing deep, and any given conversational subject can last between 1 minute and 40 seconds to 2 minutes and 40 seconds, 3 if you stretch it. But NO LONGER than that. It will either bore them or annoy them or make them feel inadequate. Trust me, just change the subject around that approximate time. The same with the next subject, and the next subject and the next subject. I can talk for 2 and a half hours straight, if the subject interests me, and I can listen equally long, completely silent. But thats me. But again, thats casual friendships. The ones we often REALLY want? The real ones ? NOW THATS HARD AND TAKES TIME! Also, circumstances and opportunities matter. A LOT. But who knows ?If you "get over some bumps and hills" in the casual friendship, maybe it can become something much, MUCH better down the road ?

    • @MrLynch-ei4dc
      @MrLynch-ei4dc Год назад +2

      Seems like we have alot in common.

    • @sentimentalcircuscurator
      @sentimentalcircuscurator Год назад +1

      @@MrLynch-ei4dc I had to let go of a lot of bitterness too. Like why not just "say what you mean and mean what you say!!! ?aargghh!!". But I thought about it, and made peace with it, because "All people are different, and have had a different life and experience than me so WHY WOULD THEY DO THE SAME AS ME ?". (And with women, I can kinda understand why they are like that. Because thats how mean, insecure and passive aggressive women "insult eachother without getting caught"). People have a lot of stuff going on, thats negative, that their taught all their life, that they shouldnt talk about. No one wants to be the one that "gives a bad vibe". So they seek out people, that are walking, talking "Summer Holidays", on two legs. They want the friends to be the distraction, from THEIR troubles, not, to use a 90s phrase "bum them out". I can actually understand that, that they want that. I was one of those people, whos good at finding out fun stuff to do, even when NOTHING was going on. But.... then you become "useless", when youre not in the mood for "clownery", or are in a bad period of life (we ALL have them). I had to take a loooong "mental vacation" from that. Right now, I have a good job, I have a nice place, and I try to focus on fixing some of the stuff thats "iffy", in my everyday life. And the friendship thing, well, there needs to be "potential" too. No Im NOT talking about success or career. Im talking about finding people with PERSPECTIVE, and who knows whats truly important. And the cherry on top, would be someone who HASNT forgotten how to have a good time, that DOES NOT require talking about tax returns, changeing pipes or swatches for the living room .

  • @marianafeliciano6601
    @marianafeliciano6601 Год назад +25

    What's hard is not making friends is to maintain them. To keep in touch, to hang out with them, to be there for them or let them be there for me. That's what hard for me especially since I tend to isolate myself when things are either hard or stressful

  • @abroad123_mm
    @abroad123_mm Год назад +7

    Thank you for making this video. I agree very much with your thoughts on why having friends is important and not to give into the advice on the internet about 'why its OK to not have friends'. Yes, its OK to be on your own, and everyone should cultivate the ability to be solo/stand up for what they enjoy doing and follow their own path. However, you can choose your own path AND make friends along the way. A lot of the time, when you feel lonely (constantly) and choose to isolate yourself, you're making a choice to avoid the vulnerability of putting yourself out there. Its easy to be scared and choose to focus inward, its easy to make the choice to do what's familiar--- but that keeps you stuck. You gotta force yourself to join things from time to time, even if its awkward. Cause while it is important to learn to be alone, its equally important to know how to be with others, and have healthy connections. Just like dating, you may meet a few duds at first, but eventually there are people out there who will get you if you stick at it :)

  • @infinitintaligence-wq3xx
    @infinitintaligence-wq3xx Год назад +7

    Better lonely than with bad company.

  • @leonjack863
    @leonjack863 Год назад +8

    I avoid people, I mean my friends, I like to be alone, I love it

  • @inactiuveuser69
    @inactiuveuser69 Год назад +2

    as a person feeling their friendships deteriorating, i needed this

  • @marginbuu212
    @marginbuu212 Год назад +2

    You're right about doing the cost-benefit analysis at the beginning of the video. It's risky, can be expensive, and takes both physical and emotional energy to go out and make friends. On the other hand, modern technology and infrastructure make it easier than ever to remain alone. For me personally, that cost-benefit equation still weighs heavily in favor of just being by myself. Of course, I understand this won't be the same for everyone.

  • @yopibram
    @yopibram Год назад +2

    my last office environment change me 180°. so toxic, but i hang in there for 10 years. everything i did for saving for my next journey. i go lunch by my self, i log in, start my pc, plug my headset, music on, world off until 18.00 i log out and go home.

  • @nefarioussagittarius8906
    @nefarioussagittarius8906 Год назад +3

    I cannot do small talk. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't my lack of being willing to socialize, it's the pick of environment and if the goals of the people. So many people carry what I think internalized guilt/shame about being 'bad' at socializing don't fail because of their lack of ability to socialize. But no amount of will power will make someone's goals align with yours - I'm talking about the difference between socializing and networking. I learned that certain environments and certain groups were about what I could do for them and not getting to meet actual people. I could, actually, do a lot for someone depending on what they actually value. But I can't make them value authenticity over social climbing. This does not mean you should throw the baby out with the bath water and stop trying, just realize it has very little to do with you.
    Funny thing, when I stopped trying so hard to 'fix' this, I started to notice that other people were as much captive audiences at these things as me. And I realized it was the scene that needed to change. Also, if it's your spouses 'social' event that is really their 'work' colleuges, RUN, it' a trap! I do not care if they harp on about how it's not a work event - it's a work event. They are lying. It's a networking opportunity, and if you think it's an opportunity for you, by all means take the it, but if not no need to subject yourself.
    Now to call myself out. I could stand to improve maintaining the relationships I've got. I do genuinely enjoy my own company and my own projects and I can give off the impression that therefore, I never want companionship. So, my newest goal is to pick one night were my group can meet over a shared hobby whether it's a writing group, or horror movie night, whatever.
    For me, mostly, yes, it has been chance. Which I'm ok with. Every time someone has tried to 'set me up' with someone be it a date or friend it's had a low chance of working. I'm best at vetting my own friends.

  • @TampaJohn
    @TampaJohn Год назад +7

    I’ve been friendless most of my adult life due to severe social anxiety. It’s not really a choice for me. I can not put myself “out there”. Even family gatherings were torture for me. Whatever friends I managed to make through work, I lost because of my awkwardness due to my social anxiety. So I married a woman who is a lot like I am, which is a comfort, we live in a city where we have no friends or family, and I’m not sure how I should feel about that. Oh, I have been in therapy for years, with no improvement.

    • @ninar7040
      @ninar7040 Год назад +1

      Have you considered medication for your anxiety? Just curious, as someone who's been in the same situation as you and needed some chemical help.

    • @TampaJohn
      @TampaJohn Год назад +1

      @@ninar7040 I do take medications. It helps some, but not really enough to make a difference.

  • @TomHuckACAB
    @TomHuckACAB Год назад +4

    Have you seen the people out here ? Making friends is masochistic right now. If you want friends, get in to something you like. Running, yoga, games, sports, knitting, books, singing. bands and music, pets, etc etc. Friends just to have someone around is co dependent.

  • @nathanbennett9999
    @nathanbennett9999 Год назад +2

    Realistic, full spectrum, practical. I might watch this video a few times to absorb it.
    One device I've used to make friends is to get involved in various activities and help out. Then I get to meet the movers and shakers and meet the people who care enough to give back.
    I've also realized the value of finding the interesting people and shutting up and letting them talk: the guys who come back to work from being retired just for "something to do," the people who believe in something, the people looking for something to do rather than just hiding from the managers.

  • @cf8081
    @cf8081 Год назад +1

    Proud of you for "taking the risk". There is definitely a different kind of light coming from you 👍🏾

  • @dena_9518
    @dena_9518 Год назад +1

    The things you have to ask yourself,
    What is friendship?
    Why do you want it?
    Do the ones you make serve your wants and needs?

  • @Studio2.7
    @Studio2.7 Год назад

    I think you’re right about the whole being good with people. It’s a process that takes time and it’s a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there the better you become at managing people and becoming someone people want to be around. At the end of the day it all comes down to accountability, loneliness is a choice, to change for the better is also one. Good luck to everyone trying to better themselves! ❤

  • @kyliechen5263
    @kyliechen5263 Год назад

    Its good to have friend but we have to chose the right kind of people to be friend.

  • @2mellow35
    @2mellow35 Год назад +1

    People say that I'm super kind and yet I'm "too kind" people are freaked out by me FOR BEING KIND. As an introvert I've been lonely all of my life and I finally want people to drain my battery. Yet that seems impossible.Without meeting a person that says "you remind me of a child that needs protection" to be manipulative and even giving me a death threat. This has been my experience with attempting to make friends.

  • @robinpritchard334
    @robinpritchard334 Год назад +1

    1 in a hundred are kool.. rest are waste of time. hard times out there young lady so smile and guard your pass words.

  • @mekman4
    @mekman4 Год назад

    I love this video. I _love, love, love, love_ this video _soooo much!_ If you had a church I would visit it! Yes, bottom feeders are crazy and aggressively set people up for failure, _by any means necessary,_ in my experience. It’s corporate in a nature. As their machine-god of industry is _failure,_ itself. And I love the truth you make known about how influencers on RUclips (if you’re referring to those in particular), make politics more important than people, which is _vile._ I always imagined the typical RUclips influencer to be not only _insane or anti-social,_ but also terribly withdrawn. Probably due to some gastronomical disease, substance abuse and/or some mood disorder which would only punctuate their grotesque and willful ignorance and spineless broadcast of _not terribly subtle,_ corporate shilling, bouncing off the walls of an echo-chamber, with views as hollow as the _slime-mold_ they collectively would _turn out to be._
    RUclips propagandizes, _it does not screen,_ so I figure propaganda to be this platform’s short-cut to screening vs quality and _sensibility,_ since it is apparent that RUclips has absolutely _zero standards,_ outside of strictly _corporate_ ones. So it’s the barest of bare minimums on this platform. One cannot _study_ the history of smarter individual’s dalliances with radicalism, of any sort, without _constantly tripping over_ each one’s realtime disillusionment with that particular _political_ view. These individuals would become disillusioned because they _have_ actually lived _with that view_ and didn’t platform about some ism’s non-existent virtues from the comfort of their capitalist created basements, or mother’s basements… So you know what kind of social media _political trafficker_ I would be alluding to.
    Absolutely, _Wretched…_
    I say this a lot and thought crimes _are indeed_ crimes and I’m old enough to have watched significantly _better_ human beings _suffer and die_ before my eyes, in the physical world, for _significantly lesser,_ if for what could even be considered to be, a thought crime. Meanwhile RUclipsrs widely broadcast some _archaic,_ deleterious political agenda that fails everywhere it is applied, _on the most corrupt_ social media platform, _being RUclips,_ to influence _and to radicalize_ the small _growing minds_ of children, through _the pop-culture media,_ they enjoy…
    _Wicked…_
    Steve Jobs was indeed _right about Google,_ and that’s never, _ever_ going to change. So I would also like to endorse things such as Apple products, Tik Tok and Instagram, because… I like good things, people, music, art, having friends, _myself_ and even _love._ And I _loath_ mendacity, especially mendacity as aggressive as the kind found on this G*d forsaken internet platform.
    Other social media platforms that these sleazy RUclipsrs warn us from engaging with, such as Tik-Tok and Instagram and even Twitter. Actually pretty much every other platform, outside of the inanity of RUclips, turned out to be the fastest way for me to _socialize_ with culture! _I was everywhere! All at once!_ It has been, all so _super_ cosmopolitan, sexy and _authentic!_ That last thing especially, which RUclipsrs have openly and verbally _strived_ to be… and thus, I have personally observed that crazy people, _have no culture._ Certainly not a culture that’s not corporately induced in some way, let alone one that would keep them out of _trouble,_ or _jail…_

    • @mekman4
      @mekman4 Год назад

      Mindfulness _(another thing influencers hate, apparently)_ is super effective, mixed with any diet that’s simply not _the Standard American Diet_ will effectively _arm you_ with the back-up you need when _friends_ of all kinds _fail you._ Friends are people and fluid and not a fixed constant. I’ve been in relationships for decades that needed to end as I grew up because of how unhealthy and meaningless they started as, were and ultimately ended. You’re going to outgrow a lot of bad people, and grow towards better, smarter people. Mindfulness and a Healthier diet will grease this progress. You should be as proactive as possible in practicing both. _Please!!!_ Why suffer, when you can do something about it? I can’t think of a time when I did not regret not knowing a thing at any stage of personal growth and healing.
      The keys to the kingdom are that _the Body is the Temple of G*d,_ Ignorance does not, nor has ever excused criminality _and Mindfulness is essentially prayer,_ a thing that can set the firmest of fortified boundaries, _when applied._ And bad people do not like, know, nor understand boundaries, that’s why they commit crimes, from thought crimes to crimes in our waking world. Grifters and Criminals (or Socialists, which are the two combined) want people to _fail._ RUclipsrs are generally scum-bags only interested in Piracy, Politics and Propaganda. It’s a vile place to visit, (or has become one). There’s some nice things here, but the rest is bland, insulting and repulsive, inane _corporate drivel._ RUclipsrs serve failure because they lack will, while corporations and industries _lack intellect._
      So I say, embrace A.I. also. If RUclipsrs, corporations and internet echo chambers hate something, be curious about it!
      You did it, young lady! You’re the best!

  • @feliznavidad6958
    @feliznavidad6958 Год назад +1

    I get told I'm different a lot. I'm not actually that different, it's just that I get stereotyped so much and I never meet anyone's prejudice. I'd rather be alone than surrounded by prejudice PoS and a lot of people are like this. If they weren't, sexism, racism and prejudice based on looks wouldn't still be a problem. But they are and always will be.
    I want a clone and if I can't have that being alone is easy and preferable. Yes, sometimes other people are the problem. Never have problems when I'm on my own. People assume I'm extroverted and have friends because I'm friendly. But I get judged so much by my looks that it doesnt matter how friendly I am.
    It's good for people to have friends but some of us are just too different for most. And humans have never liked people different from them

  • @TheSleepingonit
    @TheSleepingonit Год назад +2

    I've been lonely for 8 years, not by choice but there are so many female scammers out there pretending to love

  • @g_factking
    @g_factking Год назад

    Queen you are amazing

  • @sysye
    @sysye Год назад

    Making friends comes easy to me, it's finding a suitable partner that is a impossible task :(

  • @samuraikyozz2483
    @samuraikyozz2483 Год назад +1

    I think you're overthinking it. Actually, it's not just you. Almost everyone today is socially awkward. There's been studies about this. Our generation and the new generation ahead of us are the loneliest generations ever. And there are so many reasons for that. We have grown in environments that makes us feel this way. It's almost not even our fault, even if we fight it.
    So don't let it get to you. You're so beautiful in many ways! I wish you were my girlfriend. 😂 I'm not kidding...

  • @davidnevarez7121
    @davidnevarez7121 2 месяца назад

    Your cool. I am friendless. Are you going to post your films on youtube. Please show your artwork with commentary.

  • @thecuriousone1721
    @thecuriousone1721 Год назад

    13:20 yea idk you sound the same you really still see people in a very negative light... like its more beneficial to everyone if more people around us are less anti social around us as like you said they would make life much easier for us... so no there is no reason to be malicious and try to make people anti social its just not as black and white as that... in fact nothing is they're is a lot of grey seeing things as black and white is a good indicator of being wrong about something

  • @comicszoneuniverse
    @comicszoneuniverse Год назад

    I have no friends and do not give a fuck about it. I also work as a storyboarder in the same industry as you. :)

  • @yougetaspear7799
    @yougetaspear7799 Год назад

    My Asian cutie but I'm here boo🙆🏿‍♂️🙆🏿‍♂️

  • @FirstnameLamename
    @FirstnameLamename Год назад +1

    INTP?

  • @MariadeJesus-dt4ql
    @MariadeJesus-dt4ql Год назад

    But you are married.....you and your husband don't do activities? If you are married and you feel.lonely..then something is wrong with your marriage.

  • @isupportthecurrentthing5225
    @isupportthecurrentthing5225 Год назад

    your relationship with people as an adult changes as you get older. i personally dont need or want friends.
    also your mind is a frazzled mess young lady, stop over thinking and smell the roses

  • @DrKarpukhin
    @DrKarpukhin Год назад

    We should be friends! Same as you I moved from LA to North Arizona. I DM you in IG but you never replied :(((

  • @0jinx
    @0jinx Год назад +1

    It's so funny how you can move from hating people to wanting to make real friends to being reminded why you hate people 🫠. Loads of people are trash and mostly disappointing and the actually good ones are already too god damned popular..... And that's ok. That's were I'm at. Anyone else relate ? Like I can accept this but I would still like to have more real friends, but l don't think that is possible looking at the statistics.

    • @0jinx
      @0jinx Год назад

      @Zed-ti9uj how ?