Yesterday, I went into the DMV and said to the guy at the counter, "I need to remove Satan's name from my pink slip, I mean my ex husband's." He laughed, and of course it was a joke, but, really, calling him Satan isn't that far off of what he was.
I still want to dig deep and find out why they are so mean and what happened so bad to them for them to think it's okay to treat people the way they do. I had a bad child hood and I'm not a narcissists. I finally understood that I will never know. They are evil and heartless. Whats even worse is having a kid with one and knowing they will never be unconditionally loved by their Dad.
The work you do on Narcissism is very important to recognize , reconcile and recover a sense of self. The life path I traveled is littered with poorly equipped counselors at recognizing the effects of parental narcissism. Please don’t stop helping the next generations. I deeply value your work, you’ve helped me redefine what deeply empathetic means by giving me the wisdom to fend off and recognize, past, present and future narcissists in my life. At 60 yrs I’m feeling at my best self.
Well said! You are a quick learner , it took me until 66 w Dr Ramani help . I have never been so much at peace . I am so happy some of us at least can enjoy out senior years in a safe environment. The very best of luck to you 😊
I'm destroyed and trying to regroup after cancer and being abandoned at my diagnosis. I was raised by one so my life has been a nightmare... they find me instantly
Dr Ramini, you nailed me. I am a people pleaser, a rescuer and I give 2nd, 3 rd and 4th chances. My narcissistic grand-daughter has used me and gaslightd me for years. Because I love her I am easy and she uses me as an ATM, she steals from me and throws hissy fits. I put up with it because I am also guardian of the most wonderful person I know, this narcissistic addicted grand-daughter gave me a beautiful great grand-daughter who I love & have custody of. Since Christmas 12/22, I am doing a tough love by drawing boundaries around my life. She is not allowed in. Your videos help me. Thank you.
How old is this grand daughter? Is she a child in which she may need discipline or is she an adult in which she will not listen to reasonable expectations?
Great to hear you know why this is happening. Imagine how many poor souls at this stage in life - blame themselves bcs they’re blind to the narcissist personality. Leave your mark on your great Granchild! Take care 😊🤗
@Sirena My grand-daughter the mother, is 30 years old. She was abandoned at 13 years old by her mother and father with me. She is now drug free but will not leave a toxic relationship with her boyfriend from the 9th grade who is father to my great grand-daughter. When he got out of jail I offered my grand-daughter counseling and help but she chose him, I gave them up to raise my great-grand-daughter who is 14...
Knowledge is definitely the key. I am a very empathic person but since learning about Narcissistic people, my eyes have been opened and I am walking away from my 30 year marriage.
Good for you. I walked away also after 30 years of insanity and degrading and sarcasm and pride and arrogance and sneakiness and being used. I was exhausted both mentally and emotionally.
Brilliant exposition. Vis childhood: “red flags are all you’ve ever known”. And yes I have walked away from potentially “good enough”. Relationships in favour of dysfunctional ones. You’ve flicked the switch Dr Ramani and the light is on. Friends, lovers all dysfunctional all abusive. And yes, I created an alternative childhood.
@DJ I think if anyone asked me what the hardest part of this whole situation was to get over, I would say for sure the unfairness of it it all. I can see now that the only revenge or justice that you can get is moving on and having a better life. I still slip back into the how unfair it is mode, but I can definitely see a shift in my thought patterns. Listening to the RUclips videos made by Dr Ramini and Dr Carter keep me sane and make me learn to trust my intuition again.
To me forgiveness does *not* let them off the hook. I can forgive but I won’t forget. I’m with Tutu on this. I don’t want to carry around toxic resentment because that is like taking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. I have forgiven the narcs in my life but I will do my level best to keep my distance from them. In my world forgiveness does *not* leave the door open to future abuse. Healthy boundaries are essential.
I agree! Not forgiving is a heavy resentment to bear. I think forgiving is confused with excusing behavior. I can forgive all day long, and not excuse or be ok with the behavior.
You're right. We have to forgive for our own health and peace. Forgiveness means you don't retaliate for someone dumping trash on you and act like it never happened, but it doesn't mean you have to let them dump trash on you again.
Doctor Ramani, you saved me from a 3 year narc relationship. I had no idea what was happening until I found these videos. I got out a year ago and I’m a trillion times happier. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.
I was unable to accept the draw to a healthy relationship because I was never felt good enough, therefore fixer-uppers became my thing. I did not understand how dysfunctional my family was till 50 years of narcissistic fog became overwhelming.The fog turned to a complete blackout which gave me the desire to uncover the truth and speak out. I have discovered my family hates the truth, and me for finally exposing it.
Same here; I know it’s not recommended to call them on their crap but I did tell my mom to pray about her anger & there is so much to be grateful for & she got even angrier. Oh well
Finding oneself in repeated narcissistic relationships is sooo true. I was in four over the years…(I’m 70 now and done!). But though I managed to extricate myself, I fell into yet another. My narcissistic mother was disgusted and blamed me for just not being able to get along with anyone. My real friends don’t think that way. “Too soon old, [almost] too late smart.”
The narcissists in my life kept me stuck using my empathy and religious teachings against me. You have to forgive and forget if you are a good person. I was so naive in my toxic family system. I have the freedom to choose who I want and don't want in my life.
If it’s our 1 and only parent and 2 half siblings, it’s unavoidable. I excelled beyond my mother and siblings. I had one hell of a childhood but I still turned out ok. Their antics, rejection, emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect and discard only polished me to shine bright and I’m so independent and you have to do something really really shitty to hit me in a place that would push me into vulnerability. I’ve researched this abuse in my family and it’s really helped me in validating what I saw but as a kid I didn’t speak up or ask questions. I was the product of an 1 night stand that my mother had with a married coworker. Unplanned pregnancy. I bore all that shame of her choices and was blamed for her life not being good. I went no contact after the numerous dilberately cruel moves by my family to hurt me, shame me and damage my reputation. The older I get the more I understand.
The more I understand the more grief I feel at times. I was thrown out of the home at 15 with no money, no family to help me, they had lied to the family about my character so no one would help me. I didn’t have a drivers license. I did not drink or do drugs and had never even had a boyfriend or my 1kiss but the story that was told to family, and authorities was entirely different than my truth. I can remember being shunned for doing drugs, and being a whore and it was exhausting defending myself. I began seeing the cut as freedom from the abuse and a family took me in and helped me to stay out of foster care. It was horrible how I grew up. I’m 58 now and animals are my live and passion.
@@mindovermatter2day So sorry. I’m 38 and I can relate to the experience you have described. The shame, neglect and endless invalidation. I was born to married parents but with a deformity, I was blamed for being born. Since she decided it was my fault for being born, she made sure I was readily available to soak up her shame and every negative emotion. Going through divorce from a narc and they’ve taken sides with him. I can relate to grief, sometimes it hits me when I’m not expecting it.
@@HahaT634 Remember this.. you are being polished to shine brighter than anyone who dedicated their lives to causing anyone and most disgustingly their own children hurt, shame , cruelty, rejection and untruths. Imagine the inner turmoil they must feel inside to extend energy into treating others in that manner. Think of the things that others might do to throw you off your center after thriving that abuse? I’m sure the list is short because resilience and empathy are more powerful than their hate and self loathing they feel. Keep focusing on your strengths and you will survive, thrive and become better. ❤️
I'm also one who was in actuality a virgin and not into any drug alcohol in my teens online to find out years later I'm the promiscuous junkie in the narrative of the narc. At this pointed almost age 50 I absolutely prefer the paws to the company of human....
It's almost 1 a.m., and I have to stop at about 22:00 into this video. But My Lord... I am really seeing myself in most of what I have heard thus far. 😳 It's embarrassing that I'm over 50 years old and I'm just recently coming into this realization. It's a relief to know this valuable information is out here, but I'm also saddened because I feel like I should have seen this sooner. Dr. Ramani, I thank you. I needed to hear this. I'll pick back up with the rest as soon as possible. Peace to you all
How would we know if it is all we have known? Took me till I was 60, and yes I feel similar. But the joy of knowledge and the chance of a more toxic free future is exciting. 🤗
I had to learn to change a lot in my mindset. I had to give up on closures, on happy endings, on unlimited beliefs on "the inner goodness in every people" and on a toxic "carpe diem" in which the desire to be with someone was enough. And mainly, I had to learn to not stay in abusive relationships just because I understood the reasons why someone was acting like that.
Everything Dr. Ramani spoke of in this video is me, me, me! Until most recently, I thought if I tried harder and gave more, I could somehow make the unhappy people in my life happy but I realize now that I have surrounded myself with toxic, unhappy, narcissistic people my entire life and there is absolutely nothing that I can say or do that will ever make any of these people happy for longer than a millisecond. I'm trying to pivot and make myself happy and all those grumbly puss people can sit with their own misery and keep it.
I know hyper forgivers in my friend group and they will often gaslight others as well. “It wasn’t so bad, they aren’t all bad, you’re being so mean, surely they have some redeeming qualities, relationships take HARD work, you need to forgive more, oh that doesn’t sound so bad, well they’ve always been so nice to me, all mothers love their daughters, everybody loves in their own way.” If it wasn’t obvious I have a lot of resentment and hatred for “hyper-forgivers.”
I'm an empath and the last relationship was with a narcissist. He had just lost his son from a drug overdose. It was easy to lure me in because I had so much empathy for him.
I completely agree w/Dr. Ramani about the “forgiveness” piece; our Western Christian cultural value of “forgiving those that trespass” is our own undoing. It continues to allow these people & their ilk into our lives. Holding that boundary is about self-love & respect, not about being a person who lacks ethical values.
Hit it right on. Always made to please parents and siblings. Always made to take blame as a kid and adult for whatever went wrong in the family. Then 2 narcissistic husbands. One overt and physically abusive and the next one covert and sneaky passive aggressive to the max. Arrogance and pride was out of control. Gave them both chance after chance after chance. Divorced the latter a few years ago after decades and then finally getting counseling and learning. Not much contact with origin family as they never changed. I still get blamed for everything. Moved to another county. You’re right on Doc. So glad I’ve been listening to you. Thank you.
My brother isolated me from family starting at the age of 8. I have no chance to connect with extended family... i had to endure a smear campaign as a child and i deeply internalized the feeling of being wrong and defective
This has got to be one of the CLEAREST, most brilliant videos on NPD I have seen! Absolutely fabulous. I think of so many of us who needed to be born with this manual right out of the gate; how that would have utterly changed, and shaped our lives. The awareness of vulnerabilities, and especially of those with high empathy, is priceless. Acknowledging the value of empaths, AND the need for knowledge, boundaries, and support - makes for rebuilding an unsuspected life shattered by this real human darkness. THANK YOU much, Dr. Ramani. In the name of true love, your work is redeeming.
if you realistically look at the balance of light and dark energies, you come to accept that both will continue and you have to make a choice, generally to allow that person (the narc) to live out their life course. I once thought myself responsible to save my family, but honestly there is a WORLD of knowledge out there to make a courageous choice to change themselves. Insecurity IS the baseline ....be a victim...or be victorious over the addictive patterns.
Thank you for this insight. Many people blame, "It's all your fault for letting him/her do that to you" or "He/she is just doing that to you because you let them". I believe that a narcissist was a narcissist before I even met him/her. They do "love" generous/ forgiving/warm people. They love the good traits that good people have. It is NOt your fault that you have so many positive attributes and are a great warm human being. God loves people like that. Narcissist like people like that so they can suck them dry and move on to the next one. God sends people like Dr Ramani and others out to assist good people to share insights and apply some protection from narcissists and their tactics. One big lesson I have learned is that it is ok to PLAN an exit and not just leave right away. Not everybody can leave quickly. Also, from this video I am reminded that being generous/caring/warm are NOT weaknesses and are not causes of narcissistic abuse. The narcissist was a narcissist before I met him/her. Good people learn from other good people re: how to deal with a narcissist (i.e.keep everything surface level and not "deep", for example, and maybe to exit over time with a plan). Thanks Doctor !
this video really hit home! every single part of it my ex even told me that one of the things that he liked about me is the fact that I forgive so easily. in hindsight I realize it's just a lack of boundaries and a fear of being alone and the trauma of breaking up.
i am a total narc magnet. I finally broke down and joined an online facebook narc abuse recovery page. I made 2 posts. On both posts someone attacked me.. i posted that my daughter is keeping my granddaughter from me. This person posted that my daughter is probably trying to protect my granddaughter... this with no background info except for the fact that I joined the narc group and said my daughter was the narc. This is why I don't suggest support groups. It's just more pain from more ignorant people. I do love your videos, though Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
I used to be Pollyanna and people pleaser types, but sometimes now I don't recognize narcs, as t's my normal baseline to be surrounded by arrogant narcs & obnoxious enablers. I need to pay very close attention with new situations and people, especially high stress and conflict environments. Familiar feels easy but should be bad, but my brain can go on coast and autopilot.
As a child I was told by my narcissistic mother "Be more like Pollyana". It hurt so bad. When I was adult I told her "Pollyana was a masochist! People starved, neglected and were mean to her and she smiled and looked on the bright side. I will never be Pollyana because I will defend myself." There might have been a reference to anal sex with sand and cracked glass up in there, for emphasis. :) I do believe that most people are good most of the time. Evil is the exception. And I am entitled to defend myself.
Dr. Ramani, you are so right at all points. I was raised by a a narcissistic mom . Honestly, my mom and dad's entire community had a lot of narcissistic, chauvinistic and autocratic attitude cloaked in Christianity.😕😕😕 I'm not sure how I was able to sense that something wasn't right but I've run from the worst and therapy has been my life line. But at 60+ I'm still learning what happened to me and learning the red flags. My mantra, "Not bitter, but better". Unfortunately, I am willing to be single, quit my job and have a very selective small group of people. No disrespect to others but You're the best.!!! Thank you again❤❤❤
Dr. Ramani, Would you be willing to make up a curriculum for educating our youth? I want to get a group of people together to essentially lobby an important foundation to see if we can get their help & support to get some laws in place to teach about this & Narcissistic abuse, right along with s3x ed. This is a dream of mine, even if we have to start with local areas & not federally. I truly believe education is key. Educating myself is how I finally realized what was going on & took steps to free myself.... Anyhow, I truly appreciate you! You've been a Heavensent for me & so many others! Thank you!! 💚🕊️
I'm late diagnosed autistic,and my hyper Emphaty has caused me a lot of pain and sorrow,i have been a total magnet for them all my life,and my lack of TOM doesn't let me read ppls intentions, so I'm very naive and used to take ppl by face value, and i understand their childhood traumas so i forgave over and over, bcs i wanted to fix them too ,and i couldn't abandon my vulnerable narcissist ex bcs he was so miserable and lost and it felt cruel to abandon him even tho he could break my heart over and over ,thank you so much for sharing all your knowledge,this videos should be taken in middle school so kids can start learning early about NPDs ,i wish i learned this when i was a child .
Once a narcissist told me people who decide to stay with him & be his friends are winners. I cut off my ties with him after that. Now I am a proud loser :P :P
So accurate. Was caught up in the overly empathic situation until I finally got it and now I'm quite alert and eyes wide open. Thank you for what you're doing, Mama. ❤️✨❤️🙏🏾✨
I had a colleague who was "overly empathic" in her case it wasn't good. Whenever she had a client, she would get a psychosomatic form of whatever ailments they were having. For ex..diarrhea, back pain, ear ache etc..She did the work to learn how to shield herself from such extremes. Afterwards, things were OK.
I had let something’s go. She called my Christmas presents junk in front of my grandbabies before they even opened them. I didn’t say anything but I’m no contact with this what ever she is.
22:53 I understand 2 things now. 1)after almost 2 years listening, learning, following Dr Ramani, and from starting therapy, that coming from these type of environment we cannot identify differently. Exactly as described; not until poking holes into the childhood history, we learn. Like asking a fish 🐟 for a description of what is water🌊 💦 If once out of the water, the fish 🎣 might be able to tell. 2)I've learned now, listening carefully, that empathetic people are like the other side of the coin 🪙 What makes a person, think, they can 'change' someone else? It does not work for marriages, parents, even for some rehabilitation programs. Why would it work with narcissistic /difficult people? It's well established, people who change, are only willing to do so when we reach a point of no return. Whatever the reason, it only comes from an own individual personal decision.
Thank you! I should have seen the red flags when I kept telling everyone that my boyfriend (now husband) was just like my mom, but at that time I didn't realize that she was a narcissist or even what it was.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I only had time to listen halfway through your video, and you might have already mentioned it, but as an empathetic person I can say that I am used to sacrificing...my needs, my wants, food, my time. The N doesn't seem to be able to do that without a "you owe me" mindset (my mother/brother). I was always the person behind the scenes orchestrating events and setting up "the domino's" so to speak so that everything went right for the N ppl in my life so they could have the credit. I still, to this day, look past the glory-grabber to see who is working in the shadows.
Weak boundaries, empathy, agreeableness, cooperation, conscience, and just trying to see the best in people are traits that are taken advantage by narcissists. They are emotional vampires
I kept putting myself in the adult child's power because I was not going to be selfish like my own mother or distant and uninvolved like my mother in law.
It took me years to understand that my ex was a narcissist. Years after I finally divorced him! On the few years I have followed Dr. R, I have learned the words for my experiences and can now trace it back to my father. Thank you Dr. R for this latest insight into why I have been a magnet for these people. 🤯
So Powerful Thank you! I have watched all of the videos and they have really hit home and have helped me keep my distance from my family member that terrorized my mothers funeral. They had “gotten to” many of my closest family members resulting in my isolation and total loneliness at the funeral. Your videos keep me strong to not go back. However I was missing this one piece on WHY I kept taking it ,forgiving and putting myself in harm. This Empath knows now and I see my childhood was the training ground in giving until there was nothing left and still not being enough. It’s hard to have the words to thank you Dr. Raman you have changed my life ❤
While I have been a narcissist magnet for most of my life, I was not a magnet to my narcissist grandmother and narcissist daughter. I was stuck with them as an ugly accident of birth. Especially as the mother of a narcissist, I wanted to forgive and excuse my only child, but she is 44 years old now, and she gets no more breaks from me. Did Grandma prime me to be a narcissist magnet? I think she did. She was my daughter's great grandmother and I believe that there is a genetic component to narcissism that's overlooked.
Forgiveness does not mean that the offender should be put back in the same place of honor or respect. It does not even mean one must have any contact or relationship with the offender. It is the healing work to refuse to lock one's self into a proverbial prison of bitterness, hatred, mistrust, and fear others will do the same thing to you. It is also important to remember forgiveness is not giving someone a free pass to hurt you any time they want. Their doing so is showing you who they are, believe them and end the relationship because they will only do it again and again.
I have said exactly what you said.I’m a smart empathic person why do I keep getting hooked in.Learning more about Narcissists through all your teachings👍Thankyou🙏🏼
Wow! This 1 really hit home. Over the last year since the relationship ended, I have had to accept responsible for allowing him in my life. Yes, I’ve rescued, I lowered my exceptions, I lowered my values and I gave chance after chance. My only responsibility now is to heal. Not seek revenge, not get angry with myself and stay no contact..and heal. Thank you fir your great videos.
Knowledge is power, and understanding is wisdom. Radical Acceptance is Key. Doctor Ramani, you are saving lives both literally and figuratively. Thank you for your wonderful and understanding educational videos. I have prayed and prayed to the universe all my life for a teacher like yourself. You are a blessing and a miracle to many giving and showing us how to love and understand ourselves and others. Thank you for Being.
Thank you so much for these videos Dr. Ramini! I had NO clue I was with a narcissistic man until I watched your videos and now I’m starting to realize that I’m not the crazy one.
Dr. Ramani I never felt at place because my mum pushed me so much when I was young. I rebelled in my early teens and she actually sent me to another country to be taught, because I was such a failure to her then. I am also an empathy. I didnt know it at first, I realized it when I started working in a big company when I turned 20. I hardly slept to attend to so many people. I thought hey were my friends, but after several years when I started refusing to do things for them - they just dropped me. It was a very devastating time for me. I litterally ended up with no friends left. It was another eye opener for me. I went to a reki master and bwgded him to give me reiki. He was like - you are very sensitive - why would you want that? I just said - I have to learn how to turn it off. I just have to. It worked.
Actually, when I was young I really ja to say to myself over and over again - this is not your feeling, this is not your feeling, you are not sad, you are not feeling bad, this is NOT YOUR FEELING!
I think you said in another video somewhere that total acceptance that they are never going to change was something I knew on the surface but really hit home. It was like a HELLO moment for me. I've stopped being a people pleaser just recently stopped trying to rescue others because it was drowning me. I'm healing slowly sort of hermit mode to those that I was helping but at the same time draining me. It's my fault for giving so much of myself willingly. I've got people in my life that are no hassles we are all busy and the communication is different and peaceful. The constant invalidation, jealousy snide remarks the put downs the criticism from the same people you are helping is a huge slap in the face. I've got happy loving friends that I'll put effort and enjoy spending time with, not the catty, bitchy, gossipy child like playground friends they all getting the talk to the hand response from me now.
Lots of love and prayers and gratitude from Egypt ❤️ pls( explain more about the narc family dynamics and the invisible child and the skapegoat) thank you
59 yo Scapegoat here with 8 months woke that my dearly loving Catholic MOTHER has her "NOTher" side which has lifelong(my) Sadistically driven long term plans to fulfill my deceased (05) father's intentions. My childhood was with every kind of abuse that was family wide & NOTher was there but just seem to never notice. I've always told my NOTher that it's like her head was in the sand. She always said she loves me & was the one single family member I desperately believed that she loved me. June of last year I saw that her love was rooted in that sand & I was in her trap. She labeled me special needs 14 years ago in her final WISHES so narc SIBLING could finish me off bc he didn't kill me completely in my youth. Mom said it was fair & equal down the middle as half & half. I'm the scapegoat who stayed all years of high school with a 3.0+gpa. Brother was far less but athletic. During 2022 NOTher's love for evil just for me peaked. She found a PedoPriest who I begged her to find for family counseling. Upon introduction NOTher & PedoPriest S...Land both attacked my character ten minutes after meeting him while inside this highly secured large church that only us 3 were in. Satan was in them both and everything was my fault including being molested from a family member (s). Pure evil & my 15 year long headache departed 3 weeks ago when I called her "saying she loves me" turns my stomach bc it's a bold face lie. My headache I left behind at her house bc it's hers not mine now. My HEALTH is in jeopardy around her & she has been ok with me committing SUICIDE bc as a suicidal teen I got 3 one hour counseling & was magically healed as per pop said. Her long game is to destroy me from inside out. Your content has been life saving & changing. Super Nova pending. As blessed may blessed also be for all victims of Narc Famdamnly Abuse...
Dr. You had made a very good and very valid point!. Emphatic forgive because they think that the person will change! But that is not always the case here!
I do "hate" the 💡 idea that love can't fix or heal broken people. It is very very hard to break away from a narcissist, it is like the "walking wounded"! So true, the children are a "wake up call", you have to protect them from the narcissist abuse and manipulation. Knowledge is power!
Wow: thanks for the heads up on the subject 😊 Looking forward to more of the series.. Being a hermit sounds like the best thing to do. 👍 I can relate to all you talked about.
I have a strength in me i never knew i had. I'd stand my ground, and as i could feel his rage about to burst, i kept calm knowing i was right in my beliefs. Preparing yourself and living a life waiting for that inevitable cycle of abuse knowing hid mood could change at any time helped me come to many clear-cut decisions in my life regarding him. 🍒
It's important to distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation. If the other person doesn't change his or her hurtful behaviour, then forgiveness is better practiced from a safe distance. Forgiving means to refrain from taking revenge, and on the inner level, not to dwell on negative feelings. It does not mean to become a doormat for abusers. Reconciliation can only happen when the other person is willing to change. If that doesn't happen, you better distance yourself and forgive from afar.
Lots of time there are abandonment issues, beliefs in scarcity, and fear of being alone. So much codependency and social conditioning against strong, independence singles for decades. Once you figure this out, you're a lot less susceptible to falling for the narcissist bull so they can't suck you in as easily. Not involuntarily shining like a beacon marking blood in the water is a whole other task, though...
I really struggle with knowing when to ignore the narcissist (neighbor) and when to confront. If I say nothing, he thinks I'm a soft target and the poor behavior continues. If I confront, he takes offence and the poor behavior escalates. I hate these demons.
The only way to stop being in a destructive relationship I learned to not allow the relationship to form. I spent my whole life letting the guilty go free and that is why we’re drowning in narcissists so I did my work and they blame my lack of empathy… but I don’t hear them and have peace.. without you all I would be suffering without being heard. Thank you and we can thank Dr R for a better world .
This is my reality. Also, autism spectrum vs narcissism...... I've been working on radical acceptance, but I cannot accept it. Ive lost my health, autoimmune disease, ankylosing spondylitis, and the physical pain plus the emotional pain is killing me. Im coparenting at different addresses, but I am having a hard time with boundaries since I need help with a lot.
My weakness is a natural inclination to want to be helpful to others when they really need help, someone to hear them out and offer some suggestions to solve their problems or some kind of sympathy if I can’t. My strength is that I can’t stand listening to chronic griping from people who seem to not be looking for any rational solutions to whatever alleged issues they are having. People play on my sympathetic nature. The chronic griping or some form of trying to get my sympathy is the red flag.
I was taught to forgive and forget as well as the Golden Rule, do unto others as you want them to do unto you. I think I was more forgiving as a child but once I got into my 20s, I started becoming less tolerant. I would forgive, but I wasn't giving a second chance to disrespect or abuse me, I started turning my back on them. While I was doing this with everyone else in my life, I failed to treat my narcissistic mother who I kept giving unlimited chances. I'm an intuitive empath. It doesn't take me long to know what I want to know about someone but I keep getting hook by narcissists. I can read the obvious narcissists but it's the covert ones that get me. I was becoming more secluded because I am really tired of being used by these type of people. I'm finally learning about what a narcissist really is and am presently doing therapy. I liked the interview with Dr Carter that you did, he's one of the other voices on RUclips that I'm allowing in my head. I'm interested in really learning why I keep playing the fool when it comes to narcissists.
I can so relate to this. As part of my Christian upbringing I was always asked to forgive and treat others the way you want to be treated. This lead me to believe that I was used by god to change my narcissistic husband.
This is so wonderful that you’re doing this series. You would be very proud of me for yesterday’s activity. I made an agreement with a new artist in our artistic town here that he would give me lessons in my old age because he’s kind of starting in art himself … he’s doing very well but he doesn’t have friends in this artistic town yet…just his partner. Mondays and Tuesdays he’s closed and he said i could join him as a student on Tuesday.. He forgot me. The door was closed. I called him. He apologized and said I could come the next Tuesday. No thanks. There’s more to it than that for the conversation but I just wanted you to know that I was able to understand manipulation and self-centeredness because of your thoughtful work. Saved Thank you thank you.
So true…. It took me 15 years and a particularly cruel incident when he broke birthday presents the children got him from their pocket money, that they had spent so much time to pick up something so special for him and he just threw them on the floor. It was this incident that broke me. I could no longer forgive and find excuses. I am still with him but I no longer fool myself into thinking that he’s just “miss understood “ or that he’s had a difficult childhood, or that his heart is in the right place, . Now I see through him and I see him for the cruel monster that he is.
Thank you for this video! I've been following you for a few years now, and this video has probably given me more clarity and self-reflection than all the others. The clouds have parted. The light bulb is burning brighter. I've been treated poorly by the narcissists in my life for years, including my own husband. I've often blamed myself because I foolishly thought I must not be "enough" for them in order to treat me so badly. I now understand why they have used me and taken me for granted. It's who they are. I'm thankful that I have empathy and wouldn't trade it for the world. I can still be who I am, but with a little more self-awareness and knowledge to move forward and cut ties with those who aren't serving me.
I’m one of those empaths you are talking about and I have learned to setup boundaries with the narcissistic men I attract Thank you for your video, I have been listening to you for a while now!
They know exactly what they are doing, notice how they can behave so well when they are in jail or around people that do have power over them.They are a.holes who prey on the weaker as they see empathy as a weakness.Therefore in the presence of a narc put yourself always first, act a bit arrogant if you must.They flee very fast, you'll see.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I used to forgive and forget. But now I forgive to be above toxicity and it is my way of giving the other person the chance to receive forgiveness and love in order to change their ways if they truly want to. I am now aware and more careful. I forgive but if the other person does not appreciate being forgiven, they will set up a pit for me and fall in it themselves because I will watch out of they appreciate being given a second chance. I forgive but I no longer forget.
Thank you Dr Ramani I was blind for 24 years and your podcast has helped me understand what I was going thru you were so on point in everything you said about being hipper empath is been a year since I left him and no longer make excuses for him thank you I love listening to you❤️❤️
I had a narcissistic childhood. Then I married a covert narcissist and stuck that out for 38 years. And my recent relationship was with....wouldn't you know it.....a covert narcissist. It took me 65 years to see this. Had it not been for you and your awesome videos I would still be in the dark. Thank you !!!
I use to believe that all relationships deserved a reset, and now, because of Dr Ramani, I ask myself if the relationship is moving in the direction of growth, or if it's simply looping in an endless direction of guilt, confusion and shame. As it is right now, stepping away from toxicity makes complete sense. Focusing on myself and the things that make me who I am is essential living.
Thank you for this in-depth clarification, Dr. Ramani. Every word of yours is wisdom and worth listening time and time again to remind myself not to fall again. I feel seen and lifted in a way, and deeply relieved to be able to gain this level of insight.
Oh dear lord, you have perfectly described my relationship with my husband, now estranged after 19 years. I have been completely drained and have started therapy. It was the most difficult thing to make him leave, and it has taken me a year to begin to start feeling anything again. Thank you Dr Ramani, your videos have been and are a major part of my recovery ❤️
In hindsight, I can't think of any relationship I've had that didn't mean me attracting a narcissist to some degree or other--even the ones I turned down-- going back decades, all the way to middle school. REALLY. 😮
Again spot on! I love your videos, thank you!! For me since I had been around narcissist folks most of my life, I found it felt familiar without realizing it. As though I was somehow trying to fix the past. My emphatic nature, being naive, people pleasing, feeling not good enough, low self esteem, list goes on , I discovered the hard way these traits within myself attracted narcissist people and controlling people be it friends or romantic partners. I also was unaware of my own toxicity. I am thankful for your videos, Dr. Romani, and grateful to be on a more healthy path that will continue until I leave this world. 🙏
Now that I love myself and know my worth lots of narcs are running and not really trying to get in my life as much,then there are stubborn demon narcs that just don't get NO.
Fantastic! 6:57 Describes what I found when I was in the Philippines. I discovered the parent- child relationship is totally conditional on what the child brings to the parent. It's called "Utang na loob" (our children our money-makers). Parents often have zero empathy, and could care less what their child must do to send money home. They feel totally entitled and express constant disappointment. It's totally conditional love. As a result, marriage to walking ATM's (to send money home) is very common. Just being on SEA dating sites will reveal immediate requests for money and disappointment. You are obligated to fix all their problems. While empaths are magnets, so are the lonely with lower market value. The narcissist know that will be an easier target.
Dr. Ramani. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ADD TO THE END OF THIS A A SHORT CLIP OF YOU DROPPING THE MIC! This is for me your drop the mic moment! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You nailed me and my experience!
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
It’s simply hard to believe that people can be so cruel and cunning. I still struggle with the question “maybe they were not so bad?” Yes, they were.
Yes. They were cruel, cold, calculating.
That's what my dad says about my sister. My nickname for her is Chickzilla.
Ya that benefit of the doubt clouds up the truth and thats when the Pounds Pounds
Yesterday, I went into the DMV and said to the guy at the counter, "I need to remove Satan's name from my pink slip, I mean my ex husband's." He laughed, and of course it was a joke, but, really, calling him Satan isn't that far off of what he was.
I still want to dig deep and find out why they are so mean and what happened so bad to them for them to think it's okay to treat people the way they do. I had a bad child hood and I'm not a narcissists. I finally understood that I will never know. They are evil and heartless. Whats even worse is having a kid with one and knowing they will never be unconditionally loved by their Dad.
The work you do on Narcissism is very important to recognize , reconcile and recover a sense of self. The life path I traveled is littered with poorly equipped counselors at recognizing the effects of parental narcissism. Please don’t stop helping the next generations. I deeply value your work, you’ve helped me redefine what deeply empathetic means by giving me the wisdom to fend off and recognize, past, present and future narcissists in my life. At 60 yrs I’m feeling at my best self.
Well said! You are a quick learner , it took me until 66 w Dr Ramani help . I have never been so much at peace . I am so happy some of us at least can enjoy out senior years in a safe environment. The very best of luck to you 😊
@@lynnsonmor4330 So very true! Best of life to you too!
@@lynnsonmor4330I so agree with you!
I'm destroyed and trying to regroup after cancer and being abandoned at my diagnosis. I was raised by one so my life has been a nightmare... they find me instantly
And I am sure you are beautiful in so many ways!
Dr Ramini, you nailed me. I am a people pleaser, a rescuer and I give 2nd, 3 rd and 4th chances. My narcissistic grand-daughter has used me and gaslightd me for years. Because I love her I am easy and she uses me as an ATM, she steals from me and throws hissy fits. I put up with it because I am also guardian of the most wonderful person I know, this narcissistic addicted grand-daughter gave me a beautiful great grand-daughter who I love & have custody of. Since Christmas 12/22,
I am doing a tough love by drawing boundaries around my life. She is not allowed in. Your videos help me. Thank you.
Hang in there your the only light that baby will see is you stay strong
How old is this grand daughter? Is she a child in which she may need discipline or is she an adult in which she will not listen to reasonable expectations?
Great to hear you know why this is happening. Imagine how many poor souls at this stage in life - blame themselves bcs they’re blind to the narcissist personality. Leave your mark on your great Granchild! Take care 😊🤗
Sounds very challenging. God bless you and your family ❤️.
@Sirena My grand-daughter the mother, is 30 years old. She was abandoned at 13 years old by her mother and father with me. She is now drug free but will not leave a toxic relationship with her boyfriend from the 9th grade who is father to my great grand-daughter. When he got out of jail I offered my grand-daughter counseling and help but she chose him, I gave them up to raise my great-grand-daughter who is 14...
Knowledge is definitely the key. I am a very empathic person but since learning about Narcissistic people, my eyes have been opened and I am walking away from my 30 year marriage.
Good for you. I walked away also after 30 years of insanity and degrading and sarcasm and pride and arrogance and sneakiness and being used. I was exhausted both mentally and emotionally.
Congratulations!
Glad to hear it. I too have woken up from the nightmare of the nightmare. it hurts but at least now we know. Knowledge is power.
Brilliant exposition. Vis childhood: “red flags are all you’ve ever known”. And yes I have walked away from potentially “good enough”. Relationships in favour of dysfunctional ones. You’ve flicked the switch Dr Ramani and the light is on. Friends, lovers all dysfunctional all abusive. And yes, I created an alternative childhood.
@DJ I think if anyone asked me what the hardest part of this whole situation was to get over, I would say for sure the unfairness of it it all. I can see now that the only revenge or justice that you can get is moving on and having a better life. I still slip back into the how unfair it is mode, but I can definitely see a shift in my thought patterns. Listening to the RUclips videos made by Dr Ramini and Dr Carter keep me sane and make me learn to trust my intuition again.
To me forgiveness does *not* let them off the hook. I can forgive but I won’t forget. I’m with Tutu on this. I don’t want to carry around toxic resentment because that is like taking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. I have forgiven the narcs in my life but I will do my level best to keep my distance from them. In my world forgiveness does *not* leave the door open to future abuse. Healthy boundaries are essential.
💯💪🏻
Yes, this is the healthiest belief.
Tutu and Dalai Lama!
I agree! Not forgiving is a heavy resentment to bear. I think forgiving is confused with excusing behavior. I can forgive all day long, and not excuse or be ok with the behavior.
You're right. We have to forgive for our own health and peace.
Forgiveness means you don't retaliate for someone dumping trash on you and act like it never happened, but it doesn't mean you have to let them dump trash on you again.
Oooh, the overly empath “only realises the cracks after having kids” hit like a gut punch
Doctor Ramani, you saved me from a 3 year narc relationship. I had no idea what was happening until I found these videos. I got out a year ago and I’m a trillion times happier. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.
I was unable to accept the draw to a healthy relationship because I was never felt good enough, therefore fixer-uppers became my thing.
I did not understand how dysfunctional my family was till 50 years of narcissistic fog became overwhelming.The fog turned to a complete blackout which gave me the desire to uncover the truth and speak out.
I have discovered my family hates the truth, and me for finally exposing it.
Here too.
Same here. 51 years with a toxic narcissistic family.
Same here; I know it’s not recommended to call them on their crap but I did tell my mom to pray about her anger & there is so much to be grateful for & she got even angrier. Oh well
Me too 🙄🤗
Finding oneself in repeated narcissistic relationships is sooo true. I was in four over the years…(I’m 70 now and done!). But though I managed to extricate myself, I fell into yet another. My narcissistic mother was disgusted and blamed me for just not being able to get along with anyone. My real friends don’t think that way. “Too soon old, [almost] too late smart.”
I will never feel guilty ever for putting my needs first and cutting off narcs.
The narcissists in my life kept me stuck using my empathy and religious teachings against me. You have to forgive and forget if you are a good person. I was so naive in my toxic family system. I have the freedom to choose who I want and don't want in my life.
If it’s our 1 and only parent and 2 half siblings, it’s unavoidable. I excelled beyond my mother and siblings. I had one hell of a childhood but I still turned out ok. Their antics, rejection, emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect and discard only polished me to shine bright and I’m so independent and you have to do something really really shitty to hit me in a place that would push me into vulnerability. I’ve researched this abuse in my family and it’s really helped me in validating what I saw but as a kid I didn’t speak up or ask questions. I was the product of an 1 night stand that my mother had with a married coworker. Unplanned pregnancy. I bore all that shame of her choices and was blamed for her life not being good. I went no contact after the numerous dilberately cruel moves by my family to hurt me, shame me and damage my reputation. The older I get the more I understand.
The more I understand the more grief I feel at times. I was thrown out of the home at 15 with no money, no family to help me, they had lied to the family about my character so no one would help me. I didn’t have a drivers license. I did not drink or do drugs and had never even had a boyfriend or my 1kiss but the story that was told to family, and authorities was entirely different than my truth. I can remember being shunned for doing drugs, and being a whore and it was exhausting defending myself. I began seeing the cut as freedom from the abuse and a family took me in and helped me to stay out of foster care. It was horrible how I grew up. I’m 58 now and animals are my live and passion.
This channel helps
@@mindovermatter2day So sorry. I’m 38 and I can relate to the experience you have described. The shame, neglect and endless invalidation. I was born to married parents but with a deformity, I was blamed for being born. Since she decided it was my fault for being born, she made sure I was readily available to soak up her shame and every negative emotion. Going through divorce from a narc and they’ve taken sides with him.
I can relate to grief, sometimes it hits me when I’m not expecting it.
@@HahaT634 Remember this.. you are being polished to shine brighter than anyone who dedicated their lives to causing anyone and most disgustingly their own children hurt, shame , cruelty, rejection and untruths. Imagine the inner turmoil they must feel inside to extend energy into treating others in that manner. Think of the things that others might do to throw you off your center after thriving that abuse? I’m sure the list is short because resilience and empathy are more powerful than their hate and self loathing they feel. Keep focusing on your strengths and you will survive, thrive and become better. ❤️
I'm also one who was in actuality a virgin and not into any drug alcohol in my teens online to find out years later I'm the promiscuous junkie in the narrative of the narc. At this pointed almost age 50 I absolutely prefer the paws to the company of human....
Learning I was enabling the abuse 😭
Finally doing the work to put my healing first 🌞
It's almost 1 a.m., and I have to stop at about 22:00 into this video. But My Lord... I am really seeing myself in most of what I have heard thus far. 😳 It's embarrassing that I'm over 50 years old and I'm just recently coming into this realization. It's a relief to know this valuable information is out here, but I'm also saddened because I feel like I should have seen this sooner. Dr. Ramani, I thank you. I needed to hear this. I'll pick back up with the rest as soon as possible. Peace to you all
It’s never too late to learn give yourself some credit
How would we know if it is all we have known?
Took me till I was 60, and yes I feel similar. But the joy of knowledge and the chance of a more toxic free future is exciting. 🤗
Dr. Ramani, you offer hope and compassion to all of us who have repeatedly chosen the same narcissist in a different person. ❤ 🙏 Bless you! 🙏 ❤
Sounds like my first 50 years of life! 🙄🤗
@@soniahathaway1 Exactly!
I had to learn to change a lot in my mindset. I had to give up on closures, on happy endings, on unlimited beliefs on "the inner goodness in every people" and on a toxic "carpe diem" in which the desire to be with someone was enough. And mainly, I had to learn to not stay in abusive relationships just because I understood the reasons why someone was acting like that.
Everything Dr. Ramani spoke of in this video is me, me, me! Until most recently, I thought if I tried harder and gave more, I could somehow make the unhappy people in my life happy but I realize now that I have surrounded myself with toxic, unhappy, narcissistic people my entire life and there is absolutely nothing that I can say or do that will ever make any of these people happy for longer than a millisecond. I'm trying to pivot and make myself happy and all those grumbly puss people can sit with their own misery and keep it.
I know hyper forgivers in my friend group and they will often gaslight others as well. “It wasn’t so bad, they aren’t all bad, you’re being so mean, surely they have some redeeming qualities, relationships take HARD work, you need to forgive more, oh that doesn’t sound so bad, well they’ve always been so nice to me, all mothers love their daughters, everybody loves in their own way.”
If it wasn’t obvious I have a lot of resentment and hatred for “hyper-forgivers.”
I'm an empath and the last relationship was with a narcissist. He had just lost his son from a drug overdose. It was easy to lure me in because I had so much empathy for him.
Self- empathy first and foremost... Forgiveness does NOT mean automatic reconciliation... remembering without allowing repetition, thank you! 😊
I completely agree w/Dr. Ramani about the “forgiveness” piece; our Western Christian cultural value of “forgiving those that trespass” is our own undoing. It continues to allow these people & their ilk into our lives. Holding that boundary is about self-love & respect, not about being a person who lacks ethical values.
Hit it right on. Always made to please parents and siblings. Always made to take blame as a kid and adult for whatever went wrong in the family. Then 2 narcissistic husbands. One overt and physically abusive and the next one covert and sneaky passive aggressive to the max. Arrogance and pride was out of control. Gave them both chance after chance after chance. Divorced the latter a few years ago after decades and then finally getting counseling and learning. Not much contact with origin family as they never changed. I still get blamed for everything. Moved to another county. You’re right on Doc. So glad I’ve been listening to you. Thank you.
My brother isolated me from family starting at the age of 8. I have no chance to connect with extended family... i had to endure a smear campaign as a child and i deeply internalized the feeling of being wrong and defective
This has got to be one of the CLEAREST, most brilliant videos on NPD I have seen! Absolutely fabulous. I think of so many of us who needed to be born with this manual right out of the gate; how that would have utterly changed, and shaped our lives. The awareness of vulnerabilities, and especially of those with high empathy, is priceless. Acknowledging the value of empaths, AND the need for knowledge, boundaries, and support - makes for rebuilding an unsuspected life shattered by this real human darkness. THANK YOU much, Dr. Ramani. In the name of true love, your work is redeeming.
if you realistically look at the balance of light and dark energies, you come to accept that both will continue and you have to make a choice, generally to allow that person (the narc) to live out their life course. I once thought myself responsible to save my family, but honestly there is a WORLD of knowledge out there to make a courageous choice to change themselves. Insecurity IS the baseline ....be a victim...or be victorious over the addictive patterns.
Thank you for this insight. Many people blame, "It's all your fault for letting him/her do that to you" or "He/she is just doing that to you because you let them". I believe that a narcissist was a narcissist before I even met him/her. They do "love" generous/ forgiving/warm people. They love the good traits that good people have. It is NOt your fault that you have so many positive attributes and are a great warm human being. God loves people like that. Narcissist like people like that so they can suck them dry and move on to the next one. God sends people like Dr Ramani and others out to assist good people to share insights and apply some protection from narcissists and their tactics. One big lesson I have learned is that it is ok to PLAN an exit and not just leave right away. Not everybody can leave quickly. Also, from this video I am reminded that being generous/caring/warm are NOT weaknesses and are not causes of narcissistic abuse. The narcissist was a narcissist before I met him/her. Good people learn from other good people re: how to deal with a narcissist (i.e.keep everything surface level and not "deep", for example, and maybe to exit over time with a plan). Thanks Doctor !
this video really hit home! every single part of it
my ex even told me that one of the things that he liked about me is the fact that I forgive so easily. in hindsight I realize it's just a lack of boundaries and a fear of being alone and the trauma of breaking up.
I understand. I have those fears too, so I am leaving her slowly with a well thought out plan (before leaving, during and after).
i am a total narc magnet. I finally broke down and joined an online facebook narc abuse recovery page. I made 2 posts. On both posts someone attacked me.. i posted that my daughter is keeping my granddaughter from me. This person posted that my daughter is probably trying to protect my granddaughter... this with no background info except for the fact that I joined the narc group and said my daughter was the narc. This is why I don't suggest support groups. It's just more pain from more ignorant people. I do love your videos, though Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
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So true. My friends say I’m a drama magnet , when all along I’m hiding from it.
I used to be Pollyanna and people pleaser types, but sometimes now I don't recognize narcs, as t's my normal baseline to be surrounded by arrogant narcs & obnoxious enablers.
I need to pay very close attention with new situations and people, especially high stress and conflict environments. Familiar feels easy but should be bad, but my brain can go on coast and autopilot.
Yup!
As a child I was told by my narcissistic mother "Be more like Pollyana". It hurt so bad. When I was adult I told her "Pollyana was a masochist! People starved, neglected and were mean to her and she smiled and looked on the bright side. I will never be Pollyana because I will defend myself." There might have been a reference to anal sex with sand and cracked glass up in there, for emphasis. :)
I do believe that most people are good most of the time. Evil is the exception. And I am entitled to defend myself.
Thanks for this: "self-preservation is a right."
Dr. Ramani, you are so right at all points. I was raised by a a narcissistic mom . Honestly, my mom and dad's entire community had a lot of narcissistic, chauvinistic and autocratic attitude cloaked in Christianity.😕😕😕 I'm not sure how I was able to sense that something wasn't right but I've run from the worst and therapy has been my life line. But at 60+ I'm still learning what happened to me and learning the red flags. My mantra, "Not bitter, but better". Unfortunately, I am willing to be single, quit my job and have a very selective small group of people. No disrespect to others but You're the best.!!! Thank you again❤❤❤
Dr. Ramani you truly are the best. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, validating us and empowering us.
Dr. Ramani,
Would you be willing to make up a curriculum for educating our youth? I want to get a group of people together to essentially lobby an important foundation to see if we can get their help & support to get some laws in place to teach about this & Narcissistic abuse, right along with s3x ed. This is a dream of mine, even if we have to start with local areas & not federally. I truly believe education is key. Educating myself is how I finally realized what was going on & took steps to free myself....
Anyhow, I truly appreciate you! You've been a Heavensent for me & so many others! Thank you!! 💚🕊️
I'm late diagnosed autistic,and my hyper Emphaty has caused me a lot of pain and sorrow,i have been a total magnet for them all my life,and my lack of TOM doesn't let me read ppls intentions, so I'm very naive and used to take ppl by face value, and i understand their childhood traumas so i forgave over and over, bcs i wanted to fix them too ,and i couldn't abandon my vulnerable narcissist ex bcs he was so miserable and lost and it felt cruel to abandon him even tho he could break my heart over and over ,thank you so much for sharing all your knowledge,this videos should be taken in middle school so kids can start learning early about NPDs ,i wish i learned this when i was a child .
Once a narcissist told me people who decide to stay with him & be his friends are winners. I cut off my ties with him after that. Now I am a proud loser :P :P
I told my ex the only women he respects, are the ones who leave him.
And the ones who won't date him in the first place.
@Where is Your Humanity? So true! About to get some respect back myself one of these days. 😅
The timing of this video is impeccable,😂 just left my narc after 7 years
So accurate. Was caught up in the overly empathic situation until I finally got it and now I'm quite alert and eyes wide open. Thank you for what you're doing, Mama. ❤️✨❤️🙏🏾✨
Had I only heard this like 20 years ago. By now I've grown more similar to the people I've been attracting.
I had a colleague who was "overly empathic" in her case it wasn't good. Whenever she had a client, she would get a psychosomatic form of whatever ailments they were having. For ex..diarrhea, back pain, ear ache etc..She did the work to learn how to shield herself from such extremes. Afterwards, things were OK.
I had let something’s go. She called my Christmas presents junk in front of my grandbabies before they even opened them. I didn’t say anything but I’m no contact with this what ever she is.
EXCELENT POINT- THESE QUALITIES ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED BY SOMEONE WHO IS HEALTHY, NOT A NARCISSIST.
22:53 I understand 2 things now.
1)after almost 2 years listening, learning, following Dr Ramani, and from starting therapy, that coming from these type of environment we cannot identify differently. Exactly as described; not until poking holes into the childhood history, we learn. Like asking a fish 🐟 for a description of what is water🌊 💦 If once out of the water, the fish 🎣 might be able to tell.
2)I've learned now, listening carefully, that empathetic people are like the other side of the coin 🪙 What makes a person, think, they can 'change' someone else? It does not work for marriages, parents, even for some rehabilitation programs.
Why would it work with narcissistic /difficult people?
It's well established, people who change, are only willing to do so when we reach a point of no return. Whatever the reason, it only comes from an own individual personal decision.
Thank you! I should have seen the red flags when I kept telling everyone that my boyfriend (now husband) was just like my mom, but at that time I didn't realize that she was a narcissist or even what it was.
The moment that you said “in a world…” I absolutely expected you to movie trailer narrate. I need you to do opening narration through my life😂
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I only had time to listen halfway through your video, and you might have already mentioned it, but as an empathetic person I can say that I am used to sacrificing...my needs, my wants, food, my time. The N doesn't seem to be able to do that without a "you owe me" mindset (my mother/brother). I was always the person behind the scenes orchestrating events and setting up "the domino's" so to speak so that everything went right for the N ppl in my life so they could have the credit. I still, to this day, look past the glory-grabber to see who is working in the shadows.
True, I find glory grabbers suspect. I think who are you stepping on? 🤔
Weak boundaries, empathy, agreeableness, cooperation, conscience, and just trying to see the best in people are traits that are taken advantage by narcissists. They are emotional vampires
I kept putting myself in the adult child's power because I was not going to be selfish like my own mother or distant and uninvolved like my mother in law.
It took me years to understand that my ex was a narcissist. Years after I finally divorced him! On the few years I have followed Dr. R, I have learned the words for my experiences and can now trace it back to my father. Thank you Dr. R for this latest insight into why I have been a magnet for these people. 🤯
So Powerful Thank you! I have watched all of the videos and they have really hit home and have helped me keep my distance from my family member that terrorized my mothers funeral. They had “gotten to” many of my closest family members resulting in my isolation and total loneliness at the funeral. Your videos keep me strong to not go back. However I was missing this one piece on WHY I kept taking it ,forgiving and putting myself in harm. This Empath knows now and I see my childhood was the training ground in giving until there was nothing left and still not being enough. It’s hard to have the words to thank you Dr. Raman you have changed my life ❤
While I have been a narcissist magnet for most of my life, I was not a magnet to my narcissist grandmother and narcissist daughter. I was stuck with them as an ugly accident of birth. Especially as the mother of a narcissist, I wanted to forgive and excuse my only child, but she is 44 years old now, and she gets no more breaks from me. Did Grandma prime me to be a narcissist magnet? I think she did. She was my daughter's great grandmother and I believe that there is a genetic component to narcissism that's overlooked.
Forgiveness does not mean that the offender should be put back in the same place of honor or respect. It does not even mean one must have any contact or relationship with the offender. It is the healing work to refuse to lock one's self into a proverbial prison of bitterness, hatred, mistrust, and fear others will do the same thing to you. It is also important to remember forgiveness is not giving someone a free pass to hurt you any time they want. Their doing so is showing you who they are, believe them and end the relationship because they will only do it again and again.
Totally correct.
I have said exactly what you said.I’m a smart empathic person why do I keep getting hooked in.Learning more about Narcissists through all your teachings👍Thankyou🙏🏼
Wow! This 1 really hit home. Over the last year since the relationship ended, I have had to accept responsible for allowing him in my life. Yes, I’ve rescued, I lowered my exceptions, I lowered my values and I gave chance after chance. My only responsibility now is to heal. Not seek revenge, not get angry with myself and stay no contact..and heal.
Thank you fir your great videos.
Knowledge is power, and understanding is wisdom. Radical Acceptance is Key. Doctor Ramani, you are saving lives both literally and figuratively. Thank you for your wonderful and understanding educational videos. I have prayed and prayed to the universe all my life for a teacher like yourself. You are a blessing and a miracle to many giving and showing us how to love and understand ourselves and others. Thank you for Being.
Thank you so much for these videos Dr. Ramini! I had NO clue I was with a narcissistic man until I watched your videos and now I’m starting to realize that I’m not the crazy one.
Dr. Ramani I never felt at place because my mum pushed me so much when I was young. I rebelled in my early teens and she actually sent me to another country to be taught, because I was such a failure to her then.
I am also an empathy. I didnt know it at first, I realized it when I started working in a big company when I turned 20. I hardly slept to attend to so many people.
I thought hey were my friends, but after several years when I started refusing to do things for them - they just dropped me.
It was a very devastating time for me.
I litterally ended up with no friends left.
It was another eye opener for me.
I went to a reki master and bwgded him to give me reiki. He was like - you are very sensitive - why would you want that?
I just said - I have to learn how to turn it off. I just have to.
It worked.
Actually, when I was young I really ja to say to myself over and over again - this is not your feeling, this is not your feeling, you are not sad, you are not feeling bad, this is NOT YOUR FEELING!
I think you said in another video somewhere that total acceptance that they are never going to change was something I knew on the surface but really hit home. It was like a HELLO moment for me. I've stopped being a people pleaser just recently stopped trying to rescue others because it was drowning me. I'm healing slowly sort of hermit mode to those that I was helping but at the same time draining me. It's my fault for giving so much of myself willingly. I've got people in my life that are no hassles we are all busy and the communication is different and peaceful. The constant invalidation, jealousy snide remarks the put downs the criticism from the same people you are helping is a huge slap in the face. I've got happy loving friends that I'll put effort and enjoy spending time with, not the catty, bitchy, gossipy child like playground friends they all getting the talk to the hand response from me now.
Lots of love and prayers and gratitude from Egypt ❤️ pls( explain more about the narc family dynamics and the invisible child and the skapegoat) thank you
59 yo Scapegoat here with 8 months woke that my dearly loving Catholic MOTHER has her "NOTher" side which has lifelong(my) Sadistically driven long term plans to fulfill my deceased (05) father's intentions. My childhood was with every kind of abuse that was family wide & NOTher was there but just seem to never notice. I've always told my NOTher that it's like her head was in the sand. She always said she loves me & was the one single family member I desperately believed that she loved me. June of last year I saw that her love was rooted in that sand & I was in her trap. She labeled me special needs 14 years ago in her final WISHES so narc SIBLING could finish me off bc he didn't kill me completely in my youth. Mom said it was fair & equal down the middle as half & half. I'm the scapegoat who stayed all years of high school with a 3.0+gpa. Brother was far less but athletic. During 2022 NOTher's love for evil just for me peaked. She found a PedoPriest who I begged her to find for family counseling. Upon introduction NOTher & PedoPriest S...Land both attacked my character ten minutes after meeting him while inside this highly secured large church that only us 3 were in. Satan was in them both and everything was my fault including being molested from a family member (s). Pure evil & my 15 year long headache departed 3 weeks ago when I called her "saying she loves me" turns my stomach bc it's a bold face lie. My headache I left behind at her house bc it's hers not mine now. My HEALTH is in jeopardy around her & she has been ok with me committing SUICIDE bc as a suicidal teen I got 3 one hour counseling & was magically healed as per pop said. Her long game is to destroy me from inside out. Your content has been life saving & changing. Super Nova pending. As blessed may blessed also be for all victims of Narc Famdamnly Abuse...
Dr. You had made a very good and very valid point!. Emphatic forgive because they think that the person will change! But that is not always the case here!
I do "hate" the 💡 idea that love can't fix or heal broken people. It is very very hard to break away from a narcissist, it is like the "walking wounded"! So true, the children are a "wake up call", you have to protect them from the narcissist abuse and manipulation. Knowledge is power!
Thank you so much Dr Ramani for validating my reality you are literally my safe space❤️❤️keep up the good work 💯
I’m not very forgiving, I hold on to the idea that if I forgive my husband/minister/narc I will set myself up for another lie, manipulation.
My husband is very self righteous to the point of unbelievable. I believe that forgiving him would just feed that ego and pride that he so lives in.
Wow: thanks for the heads up on the subject 😊 Looking forward to more of the series.. Being a hermit sounds like the best thing to do. 👍 I can relate to all you talked about.
I have a strength in me i never knew i had. I'd stand my ground, and as i could feel his rage about to burst, i kept calm knowing i was right in my beliefs. Preparing yourself and living a life waiting for that inevitable cycle of abuse knowing hid mood could change at any time helped me come to many clear-cut decisions in my life regarding him. 🍒
It's important to distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation. If the other person doesn't change his or her hurtful behaviour, then forgiveness is better practiced from a safe distance. Forgiving means to refrain from taking revenge, and on the inner level, not to dwell on negative feelings. It does not mean to become a doormat for abusers. Reconciliation can only happen when the other person is willing to change. If that doesn't happen, you better distance yourself and forgive from afar.
Lots of time there are abandonment issues, beliefs in scarcity, and fear of being alone. So much codependency and social conditioning against strong, independence singles for decades. Once you figure this out, you're a lot less susceptible to falling for the narcissist bull so they can't suck you in as easily. Not involuntarily shining like a beacon marking blood in the water is a whole other task, though...
I really struggle with knowing when to ignore the narcissist (neighbor) and when to confront. If I say nothing, he thinks I'm a soft target and the poor behavior continues. If I confront, he takes offence and the poor behavior escalates. I hate these demons.
The only way to stop being in a destructive relationship I learned to not allow the relationship to form. I spent my whole life letting the guilty go free and that is why we’re drowning in narcissists so I did my work and they blame my lack of empathy… but I don’t hear them and have peace.. without you all I would be suffering without being heard. Thank you and we can thank Dr R for a better world .
This is my reality. Also, autism spectrum vs narcissism......
I've been working on radical acceptance, but I cannot accept it. Ive lost my health, autoimmune disease, ankylosing spondylitis, and the physical pain plus the emotional pain is killing me. Im coparenting at different addresses, but I am having a hard time with boundaries since I need help with a lot.
My weakness is a natural inclination to want to be helpful to others when they really need help, someone to hear them out and offer some suggestions to solve their problems or some kind of sympathy if I can’t. My strength is that I can’t stand listening to chronic griping from people who seem to not be looking for any rational solutions to whatever alleged issues they are having. People play on my sympathetic nature. The chronic griping or some form of trying to get my sympathy is the red flag.
I was taught to forgive and forget as well as the Golden Rule, do unto others as you want them to do unto you. I think I was more forgiving as a child but once I got into my 20s, I started becoming less tolerant. I would forgive, but I wasn't giving a second chance to disrespect or abuse me, I started turning my back on them. While I was doing this with everyone else in my life, I failed to treat my narcissistic mother who I kept giving unlimited chances.
I'm an intuitive empath. It doesn't take me long to know what I want to know about someone but I keep getting hook by narcissists. I can read the obvious narcissists but it's the covert ones that get me. I was becoming more secluded because I am really tired of being used by these type of people. I'm finally learning about what a narcissist really is and am presently doing therapy.
I liked the interview with Dr Carter that you did, he's one of the other voices on RUclips that I'm allowing in my head. I'm interested in really learning why I keep playing the fool when it comes to narcissists.
I can so relate to this. As part of my Christian upbringing I was always asked to forgive and treat others the way you want to be treated. This lead me to believe that I was used by god to change my narcissistic husband.
@@PreethiPriscilla78 this was me as well. Look up savior complex… it will explain so much
You pretty much simplified my life in this video…
This is so wonderful that you’re doing this series. You would be very proud of me for yesterday’s activity. I made an agreement with a new artist in our artistic town here that he would give me lessons in my old age because he’s kind of starting in art himself … he’s doing very well but he doesn’t have friends in this artistic town yet…just his partner. Mondays and Tuesdays he’s closed and he said i could
join him as a student on Tuesday..
He forgot me. The door was closed. I called him. He apologized and said I could come the next Tuesday. No thanks. There’s more to it than that for the conversation but I just wanted you to know that I was able to understand manipulation and self-centeredness because of your thoughtful work. Saved
Thank you thank you.
Totally support you in this. I'm in a new town, and I don't play games anymore.
In my family, my parents always made me apologize but nothing was ever their fault.
Fantastic work and analysis. thank you for teaching us the language and the framework for recovery from these toxic people.
Dr. Ramani I love how you explain things!
So true…. It took me 15 years and a particularly cruel incident when he broke birthday presents the children got him from their pocket money, that they had spent so much time to pick up something so special for him and he just threw them on the floor. It was this incident that broke me. I could no longer forgive and find excuses. I am still with him but I no longer fool myself into thinking that he’s just “miss understood “ or that he’s had a difficult childhood, or that his heart is in the right place, . Now I see through him and I see him for the cruel monster that he is.
Thank you for this video! I've been following you for a few years now, and this video has probably given me more clarity and self-reflection than all the others. The clouds have parted. The light bulb is burning brighter. I've been treated poorly by the narcissists in my life for years, including my own husband. I've often blamed myself because I foolishly thought I must not be "enough" for them in order to treat me so badly. I now understand why they have used me and taken me for granted. It's who they are. I'm thankful that I have empathy and wouldn't trade it for the world. I can still be who I am, but with a little more self-awareness and knowledge to move forward and cut ties with those who aren't serving me.
I enjoyed watching your recent link up video with Dr Les Carter. Hope you both will do a link up with Darren F Magee at some point in the future.
I’m one of those empaths you are talking about and I have learned to setup boundaries with the narcissistic men I attract
Thank you for your video, I have been listening to you for a while now!
They know exactly what they are doing, notice how they can behave so well when they are in jail or around people that do have power over them.They are a.holes who prey on the weaker as they see empathy as a weakness.Therefore in the presence of a narc put yourself always first, act a bit arrogant if you must.They flee very fast, you'll see.
100% this has been my journey. Knowledge was power, and looking at my family of origin has been life-changing
I'm so thankful that you addressed forgiveness when dealing with narcs and how it actually enables them.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I used to forgive and forget. But now I forgive to be above toxicity and it is my way of giving the other person the chance to receive forgiveness and love in order to change their ways if they truly want to. I am now aware and more careful. I forgive but if the other person does not appreciate being forgiven, they will set up a pit for me and fall in it themselves because I will watch out of they appreciate being given a second chance. I forgive but I no longer forget.
Thank you Dr Ramani I was blind for 24 years and your podcast has helped me understand what I was going thru you were so on point in everything you said about being hipper empath is been a year since I left him and no longer make excuses for him thank you I love listening to you❤️❤️
My ex husband screamed at me, “You’re right, you’re right. My love is conditional! It’s always been conditional and it always will be conditional!”
I had a narcissistic childhood. Then I married a covert narcissist and stuck that out for 38 years. And my recent relationship was with....wouldn't you know it.....a covert narcissist. It took me 65 years to see this. Had it not been for you and your awesome videos I would still be in the dark. Thank you !!!
I use to believe that all relationships deserved a reset, and now, because of Dr Ramani, I ask myself if the relationship is moving in the direction of growth, or if it's simply looping in an endless direction of guilt, confusion and shame. As it is right now, stepping away from toxicity makes complete sense. Focusing on myself and the things that make me who I am is essential living.
Thank you for this in-depth clarification, Dr. Ramani. Every word of yours is wisdom and worth listening time and time again to remind myself not to fall again. I feel seen and lifted in a way, and deeply relieved to be able to gain this level of insight.
Oh dear lord, you have perfectly described my relationship with my husband, now estranged after 19 years. I have been completely drained and have started therapy. It was the most difficult thing to make him leave, and it has taken me a year to begin to start feeling anything again. Thank you Dr Ramani, your videos have been and are a major part of my recovery ❤️
In hindsight, I can't think of any relationship I've had that didn't mean me attracting a narcissist to some degree or other--even the ones I turned down-- going back decades, all the way to middle school. REALLY. 😮
Thank you for your continuing education on this subject it helps so very much to navigate going forward
Thank Goodness… you’ve reached over a million!!!
Watched you and Dr Carter yesterday my you favorite therapist please do that again as always much love don't let them slap both sides of your life
Again spot on! I love your videos, thank you!! For me since I had been around narcissist folks most of my life, I found it felt familiar without realizing it. As though I was somehow trying to fix the past. My emphatic nature, being naive, people pleasing, feeling not good enough, low self esteem, list goes on , I discovered the hard way these traits within myself attracted narcissist people and controlling people be it friends or romantic partners. I also was unaware of my own toxicity. I am thankful for your videos, Dr. Romani, and grateful to be on a more healthy path that will continue until I leave this world. 🙏
Now that I love myself and know my worth lots of narcs are running and not really trying to get in my life as much,then there are stubborn demon narcs that just don't get NO.
Definitely a pattern I would like to break. No more covert narcissists for me I hope. They are horrible and dangerous people.
Fantastic! 6:57 Describes what I found when I was in the Philippines. I discovered the parent- child relationship is totally conditional on what the child brings to the parent. It's called "Utang na loob" (our children our money-makers). Parents often have zero empathy, and could care less what their child must do to send money home. They feel totally entitled and express constant disappointment. It's totally conditional love. As a result, marriage to walking ATM's (to send money home) is very common. Just being on SEA dating sites will reveal immediate requests for money and disappointment. You are obligated to fix all their problems. While empaths are magnets, so are the lonely with lower market value. The narcissist know that will be an easier target.
Dr. Ramani. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ADD TO THE END OF THIS A A SHORT CLIP OF YOU DROPPING THE MIC! This is for me your drop the mic moment! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You nailed me and my experience!