Who da fuck cares if DA regret and suffer after breakup? A person who loves you will never leave you. Especially when you didnt do anything wrong. Period
Subconsciously, an avoidant feels reassured and in control by sensing the usually anxiously attached is unlikely to leave them even if they give little - and they would be right. The anxious partner continues to stay and tolerate being treated with either indifference or kept in a grey area where the relationship is undefined. Dismissive avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life, the ordinariness of everyday routines
'Dismissive avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur.' Well put. I'd add that this is also often to the detriment of the DA because they may seek out situationships etc. that provide them with the feelings that made them DA in the first place - neglect, low-level cruelty, indifference, not being seen as interesting or a priority. It's their comfort zone and results in some DAs staying in relationships or however they'd define it, that are objectively bad for their mental health. All insecure attachment styles, I believe, have a tendency to stay in emotionally volatile relationships because they mistake the roller-coaster a lack of certainty can create for deep feelings.
My Ex DA was “dating” girls he had chosen to seek out from the massage parlors he had frequented and taken to learning their language in order to be more adept in communicating with them. It bothered me that he would oftentimes converse with me that language to practice. He chased these girls because a relationship like these where he would not be required to show up or actively be engaged . He could keep the girls at bay, by maintaning the pesudo relationship , almost fantasy like in nature, where he had feelings of “saving” the girl , almost like being a hero in a fantasy novel, like Thais mentions their need to escape to fantasy like situations in their head to avoid reality. Everything you said in here makes perfect sense 100 percent. Da’s always want to be in situations where they have full control of the outcome and their emotions, so when they do get in a “normal” relationship they are unable to cope with and see that there are expectations expected from them being partnered. Mine didnt understand why i exoected to be greeted on my birthday or why he needed to be present for such a day, while he got all the bells and whistles during his. He also got peeved off when i texted him that i was lonely as to why he wasnt reaching out the whole day and called me fuming mad telling me i expected a lot from him and was guilt tripping him. These were all basic relationship expectations, nothing out of the ordinary, all reasonable even adding in that he gave me the bare minimum on a daily. Calling once to talk when it suited him, and telling me not to expect or demand more. It was one of the most heart wrenching experiences i have had my whole life. I still have a hard time processing thectype of person i dealt with because normally i believe humans sre wired for intimacy and connection and show up for such relationships. I never knew such a category of individuals existed until i got with him. Now i know better, and when i smell a DA a mile away, i keep walking.
@@alexblainelayter7703 very accurately said. My ex Da was a very high status one, meaning he seemingly put up this front of being a high value individual with a good job, and extremely high standards of himself, yet he always dated people that were “beneath” those very standards he defined for himself, where he got the bare minimum back himself. When he was getting real love, attention, affection and honesty from me, he seemed to not understand that these traits could be expected in real partnerships so much so that it overwhelmed him when i gave these to him. All of these traits seemed to be so foreign and alien to him. It almost seemed like there was a coldness and a detachment in him that was present and couldnt understand the concept of human emotion and the need for reciprocity.
Exactly! The connection in general is a waste of time, brings more pain than gain. DAs don’t invest therefore there are nothing left in a relationship. It’s not like a marriage, you get half of the assets, with pain. The connection with DA has no assets left, no intellectual, financial or personal. Only pain. Of course, there is self growth after the toxicity, but it’s from me, not from him.
I cannot wait to get to this point. I still love her and think way too much about her. I also know that I could never trust her again. Its dead, yet still hurts. Ugh...
I was so confused when the DA I was dating faded/ghosted after three months, but I am so grateful it was only after three months and not longer. I learned a lot and I definitely dodged a bullet
If you don’t want your heart to be left with a gaping hole in it avoid DAs . I do feel for them and this is not a dig at anyone. Just realise these people will seriously hurt you and you will really feel worthless. Avoid you can do so much better . 🙏
That is the absolute truth. Instead of guessing and fixing and dealing with DAs, just go date someone else. I dated a DA this year and he literally tuned me into a super anxious person. After I quitted this weird relationship and some psy sessions, I feel I am back to normal. Never ever date a DA as I am no therapist.
@@carolehcheng1 I learnt this too. I am secure and dated a textbook DA for a year who was exquisite, caring and beyond consistent during the honeymoon phase but made me feel like an anxious mess the moment I started to get closer and things got more serious. During our final month, I no longer had idea what he wanted or what his needs were, and he started to need days to "think" about an answer whenever I'd ask about it. I could not deal with the anxiety this sort of limbo was giving me so I told him I needed to take a week of no contact just to "cool down" and reflect about our relationship so I could hopefully return with a much healthier perspective on how to work things out... and I did, I was ready to return recharged and give us my very best try with an improved attitude and new ideas... oh well, to my surprise, during that NC week, he apparently met someone new and decided to completely check out emotionally from our relationship to pursue this new person. Oh boy, no matter how secure you think you are, something like this is still going to make you feel disposable. I felt so hurt, so betrayed when he told me he suddenly just liked someone new. I had no choice other than end things for good at that moment, and he didn't even try to fight it. The caring, loving, consistent men I had fallen for was gone, and became this cold, heartless and nonchalant person that I didn't recognize. He offered no explanation, no apologies, nothing, just coldness, like I never mattered at all, not even one bit. This was all a month ago. The immediate heartbreak I felt was really painful, not just about things ending so abruptly, but how COLD and heartless he was about it all. I'm in therapy now to help me cope with the aftermath. I have reached out a few times this month in an attempt to find answers, but it's fruitless, all he said in his last email was that I make him feel uncomfortable and unease by reaching out. I've been learning more about DA attachment style so I can hopefully find some sort of closure. So I would absolutely NOT recommend getting involved with a dismissive avoidant.
@@Predictable1 I feel for you. You’ll be ok sooner than you think. It’s a very hard pill to swallow. If your empathic you’ll never understand these kinds of people. Build your spirit each day because…. You are worthy and beautiful and part of this world. I’m 4 months clear now and it still plays with my mind some days , how this coldness can exist. Take care and don’t lose faith… because there are wonderful caring people out there. 😊😊
@@Predictable1 Their coping mechanism of crs is always to protect themselves and it's a very rigid one. As much as it's about them, it's just so painful coz we, people with anxious attachment tendencies attached too hard and it takes a lot of work to free ourselves of this unhealthy attachment. Shutting down or in your case, finding someone else is their way to protect themselves. That's too personal of crs no matter how we tell ourselves that it's not and it's just their coping strategies. I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Been there. Once they shut you out, they really shut you out coz they probably perceived you and your relationship as a threat.
Couches need to stop assuming everyone who dates DA are clingy, anxious attachment people. Any ordinary healthy minded person who cares will be concerned and will panic when their partner withdraws. Being a DA is not a personality. It is something to be corrected. DA's should be addressed in terms of their behaviour and not in terms of the opposite of DA.
I am a recovering Avoidant (FA and DA), and I definitely have gotten to points of regret with breakups I initiated. Most notably with a woman I have a child with. She and I have been on again off again (bc of me, of course) for years. I’ve dated other people for short periods of time and she has dated a couple people. When I was with her, the first few months were always fantastic then I would pull back bc of the flaws I saw in her or any other excuse I could latch on to. It would instantly turn cold and I would leave. Months would pass but we always had to communicate in some way bc of our child and because we genuinely like being around and talking to each other. Then I would regret not making things work. We would get back together then I’d leave again. When she would date, I’d lose my mind and try to get her back. When I would date, she would do the same. A few months ago, she told me she thought I had an avoidant attachment style. Around this same time, she was dating again. We were talking a lot but we both decided we wanted to end the cycle. So everything was fine. I started reading more and more about avoidant attachment and started identifying with the symptoms/behaviors of that attachment style. I was doing all of this to her. Instantly grief and remorse fell completely over my body. I had no idea this was what I was doing. She’s with someone now who seems to make her really happy. I’m in therapy trying to work on myself and forgive myself. I feel like I lost a really good thing bc I didn’t know how to heal. So, in short, yes avoidants do feel regret.
This cycle break up/make up sounds exactly like me and my ex. First few months back were always amazing till he shut down. I'm sorry for your loss but it was an opportunity for you to reflect and evolve. You never know what the future might hold. If you had a chance to get back together, it might work better since you're self-reflecting. All the best. I admire your courage to look inward.
Maybe you're not going to be together as a couple again but you made each other grow and develop into better versions of yourselves. So it's not a wasted opportunity, you learnt through each other and partially with each other. Your kid can only benefit from parents who are more self-aware and ready to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma.
@@Robinrapunzel She should mention in her videos that she has a book. I bought it recently and just finished it today! There is a lot to absorb so I'm planning on rereading it and taking notes. I'll be a step ahead once I try her 7 day trial.
If its in their subconscious mind to push people away to avoid being vulnerable, your literally fighting a losing battle. Dont bother, lifes complicated as it is
My ex DA is crashing on someones couch because he becAme homeless after Covid. He has a high paying job, lives rather well, drives an ok vehicle but chooses to couch crash on his friends couch. One of the benefits i provided was for him to come crash at my place when he needed a much more private space to sleep at, plus the benefits of sex, and intimacy. We abruptly broke up two weeks ago after months of discord and struggle with his avoidant ways, i finally decided to end it. When i decided that its okvto be friends with him hecause im exercising clearer boundaries now, he continues to ask me to come over and eventually crash. Friends dont sleep on the same bed especially if they were in a relationship full of passion and lust. I chose to ignore his requests to come over. When Thais talks about the DA’s lack of modelling or behaviors to emulate in approaching intimate relationships, one of them is clearly disregarding exes boundaries. Part of it too i iguess is like Thais said, the reality of the break up hasnt come for them yet. Im choosing to distance myself after my boundaries are still constantly being tested even after i chose to remain friends after the break up.
Yes, they only put up with the person when they can benefit and absorb something from them. When the sucking is complete, they look for the next then attach to them.
I had to cut off my DA ex because he kept reaching out and expressing regrets. Apparently I'm the love of his life and the "one who got away" - but when he had the chance to be with me, he chose to marry someone else. He's still married and we haven't been together for over 10 years. I think if he left his wife and I gave him another chance he'd run, just the same as before. I also think he's not really in love with me, the memory of me in his head is the excuse he's using to not fully commit to his marriage.
I bet it's both. With time I imagine even D.A.'s can look back and see when they messed up a good thing and see that that was their genuine opportunity for a real love that deep down they always wanted but wouldn't let themselves have.That the love they had for you all along that they suppressed resurfaced after they had time to calm from their panick. Though,if he never worked on his issues I think you are right...that he would run again. He may also be using the memory of love for you to also hide from his wife emotionally. It's the saddest thing I have ever seen. These people being so damaged and most likely from their childhood...it's just awful. For them and for us. I kind of want to go punch my suspected D.A.'s caretakers in the face for making him this way because I can see that there is so much great potential in him if he could just stop running from his sh*t and healed.
Ya, not cool, he is married, im willing yo bet hes not telling his wife that your the love of his life, if i were you id go tell his wife, she is the victim in this situation, stop talking to a married man. His unhappiness is not your problem so long as hes got a wedding band.
The question is do most DAs wait long enough to process the breakup before jumping into another relationship? My ex ended things very abruptly on the phone after 1.5 years and couldn’t have a real conversation because he was so emotionally shutdown. Within a few months, he was already in another relationship. It seems they will do anything to avoid the pain and to avoid taking responsibility. Instead, they dump and project it onto the other person and distract themselves, convincing themselves that they weren’t the problem and looking for the “right” person. They will continue to repeat the cycle until they take responsibility and do the work.
Yes, that is exactly what I’ve experienced. They didn’t bother to even let me know that they are dating someone else and kept going hot & cold with me as things were normal. After breaking my heart into million pieces, they want us to be friends.
@@rezmamirakle7515 My DA's mutual friend told me that she was in a new relationship after 3 months of her breaking up with me. I am still blocked and emailed her to talk but all I got was silence.
they do seem to jump from one relationship to the next pretty quickly. From what I could gather, my ex had a long series of short relationships that she ended. If that's not a red flag, what is???? Dump and project- yes, exactly this, exactly...
My DA ended things with me after 3 years together. Been a month of no contact; almost as though I no longer exist to him. Can’t begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart
It became a decently serious relationship but right before 3 months i got blindsided. Looking back I'm SO grateful it didn't last longer. It would have broken be for sure
superficially they are likely to pin blame for the demise of a relationship on their partners (of course occasionally this can actually be true, and when relationships fail there can be a problematic dynamic for which both take responsibility). But underneath there is such low self-esteem that at the core they do not feel their true self is worthy of love and attention. Should a partner penetrate their armour, they retreat to the safety of companionship with others who do not realise they are not what they appear to be on the surface. While doing so they suppress their feelings and tell themselves they do not need the partner who they may, in fact, miss greatly, even while they can be very unhappy alone. For most people, experiences that have a heightened emotional charge are more likely to be remembered. But if an individual defensively suppresses the more emotional aspects of close relationships, then fewer relationship-based memories will be laid down for future recollection. As a result avoidants can be poor at recalling the details and incidents of past relationships, and any distress is minimised. There can be a great sadness in the lengths avoidants must go to suppress their natural attachments and convince themselves they are better off alone throughout their lives, forgoing the self-belief and compromises that give the opportunity for long, meaningful and deep partnerships. They tell themselves they are just waiting for the right partner, resist addressing that it is typically their rejection of the feelings of themselves and others, learned difficulty with closeness and expressing who they truly are that has left them alone, through no fault of their own. Through their lives they push away those who care about them most.
Well said . My therapist said the same things about my DA ex. I would have never thought in a million years he felt those ways about himself. He also told me he doesn't go backwards and he doesn't reach out to anybody. 💔
Again, accurately put. Everyone else is to blame and at fault for their relationships ending and they seek out partners that make them feel like they have to chase and are actually never a match to them or are beneath them. When they do get together with an anxious partner that does everything for them, they push them away because they are treated with love and affection and they dont understand such people exist while at the same time taking these people for granted and doing only the bare minimum. When their relationships do end because the anxious partner has had enough, you would think they would have pangs pf loneliness or guilt, and while they may, the push it far beneath the surface, and pretend like it doesnt exist because suppressing those emotions seems to be what feels good to them, to never be confronted with the reality lf another ending instead, they continue searching for “the one”: deserting, and oftentimes abandoning connections that mayhave had the potential to turn into something more or couldve been their ultimate relationship. They sabotage everything real, while clinging to situations that never were.
@@asmallbitchybanana wow, we’ll said, sounds like my wife right now of 20yrs with 2 small kids, I couldn’t understand how she could be doing this now, but what U said makes perfect sense
Superficial versus deeply intimate, intellectual versus heart feelings, resistance versus openness, doubt versus trust, distance and fear versus love and receptivity 🙏
So yeah basically, my ex went flaw finding, found whatever reasoning she needed, dumped me and hasn’t thought about it twice since? Jesus Christ, the most painful experience I’ve ever been through. Well I’ve spent three years just blaming myself and wishing I could’ve done better. I tried so hard to connect to her.. I walked away and went no contact, and have wished and hoped every freaking day I would hear from her at some point in my life. Guess she’s really gone forever.
I did this to someone who was the love of my life DA , I came back after 2 years but of pandemic so not regular times and he has gone quiet , even after his displays of trying so hard .. I came back and he’s not accepting my return 🤷♀️
.. just to follow up .. found out he’s in a new relationship, but instead of telling me so .. he used the words “ I have moved on and mended my heart I need some time I’m confused “, I had to ask a 3rd party if he was seeing someone .. so basically I’ve been waiting 7 months for some word from him.. as he wrote me a letter telling me he would like to come visit and get his stuff ( I’ve been storing for 2.5 years) and he thinks of me often… wth .. is he dissMissive or …? Or a coward
Mine totally erased me from his memory after 4 years together been a month since breakup love turns to hate quickly for me they are vile and dont deserve to be in any relationship
I feel like my DA ex will want to reach out eventually but be too embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid of my reaction. She's so conflict avoidant I can't see her reaching out.
My avoidant ex and i were really into each other. He kept telling me he couldn't find anything wrong with me which was a huge red flag. He was looking. His son loved me. He kept saying that was a huge problem! How could that be a problem?! He finally left me and told our mutual friend it was because i didnt ride a bike. Right before he ended it, i admitted he loved me. Ridiculous. Never again will i date someone that is avoidant. They are cruel in the end and will break your heart.
My DA bf broke up with me because a fight ensued when I tried to talk to him about my feelings. He said I talk to much and have to many feelings. Walked away. My anxiety kicked in and I didn’t leave him alone when he said he didn’t want to talk so he broke up with me and went to sleep in the car. We were together 1.5 years. All because I wanted to talk about my feelings in regards to the way his dismissals make me feel
They don't want to hear about how their actions affect you. You are the reason any problem existed between the two of you. I've gone through this same thing for the past two years. I really finally have gone NC with her, she's going to be a very lonely old woman unless she changes her behavior.
When my last ex broke up with me he said "and I don't regret my decision." I never asked him if he regretted it, he just added that in all by himself 😅
He felt the need to make that point to you to almost 1) convince himself 2) be mean enough to you to demonstrate his arrogance of being independent and the cool guy 3) it was a defense mechanism to avoid his own sensitivity and vulnerability Good thing he showed his real self in that moment. That’s kind of a mean and unnecessary thing to say to someone you’re breaking up with. I hope you are finding more emotionally available and evolved partner potentials now. ❤
@@haikuoflife maybe, but I do believe they have feelings like we do; they’ve just come to fear intimacy. I agree with Thais on the “fears minus feelings”. When fears are low (no relationship expectations), feelings come to surface. That’s why they will sometimes come back after the breakup or want to stay friends.
@@anon_ya I got texts within a day w/a DA (after a ghosting). There were some emotional exchanges, then back to nothing. I'm not here to change anyone so working on myself. =)
My ex didn't communicate their needs or in general. It caused this negative feedback loop where they deactivated by distancing so I also distanced myself so they wouldn't feel smothered. Then they complained about us having difficulty talking and said it was us not clicking well, as if they didn't cause it. I was too exhausted and frustrated to fight for us because whenever we get close they want to end things. I still care for them, I'm still hurting (it happened yesterday), but I'm done having my time wasted.
Same here..damned if you do damned if you don't. Very confusing and frustrating. Im going thru heartache right now. He is blocked and I hope i have the strength to keep h im there BLOCKED
I had thus push pull for 7.months..he kept breaking up with me for no valid reasons..blamed me for being on social media to attract other men. I now understand the illness...it is a mental illness. He finally broke up 3 weeks ago..I say finally bc I've blocked him on every platform. I cannot go through this anymore..I'm going insane with it. Poor guy. He was a great guy but for his DA style. I learned that I'm am anxious.
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 I can confirm this. Secure and dated a FA leaning super avoidant. I got my closure yesterday when she reached out. We bumped into each other and i think i answered to her text to heavy with "Hey, it was good to see you in person after all this time". 3 months passed since her Blindside. Damn she lashed out. Saying that it finds it a little naggy. Furthermore she told me that i'm not struggling with my first teenage crush, we are adults and mature and that i need to find some distractions and start to turn my attentions to someone that can reciprocate. I handled it in a mature way texting her back that there is no rancor or hard feelings towards her. I was always sincere and i wanted to say to her that i'm sorry how that night went. Her emotions were and are all legitimate. We are adults and to be an adult is also to be like this. Saying sorry to a person. That she helped me grow and let me understand better. To do not worry about my distractions i had in those 3 months and that my attentions right now are focused majorly on myself only. Hoping she could really understand my words. Sadly she did not put the work on herself. She did not even try. I hoped for it, but the reality is very different. Still i got some kind of hope in the future that she recognize my last text as a wake up call.
My DA ex just jumped into a new relationship a couple months after our 2+ year relationship. She moved herself and her daughter in with him 4 months later. When I found out, I was absolutely gutted. However, things get better over time if you stay in no contact and work on yourself. I have learned so much about myself through this process. Now, I don't really care what she does really. I'm all about working on myself and getting myself to where I need to be. However, she has tried to get all mutual friends to cut contact with me. She abandoned me in every sense of the word after the breakup and wanted everyone else to do the same. It used to hurt, but now I'm just wondering why this person is still trying to punish me. I just want peace in my life.
She is clearly in a much worse mental space than you, so even though it probably has hurt you a lot, you are lucky that you don't need to act like a cold blooded psychopath or make other people hate the person you split up with to justify your actions... basically, I am sure you will get better with time, it was probably an important life lesson. Wish you all the best, I am sure you will meet a wonderful person in the future!
@user-gs1et6sx4k thank you for the kind words! Life is much better now that I've gotten used to her not being in it. I was unhealthy and depressed. I'm in much better shape, much better head space, and am enjoying playing the field. I've heard that her life is in a slow tailspin. I wish her all the best, but it won't be from me.
Mine started zeroing in on the way I ate by making really passive aggressive comments that were quite mean-spirited or making fun of me in front of others, but in a way that didn’t feel loving. And seeing everything I did as negative, even though he was the one being negative. It snowballed at the very end and he ended things before we had any chance to talk about anything.
If they devalued and discarded you NO they won’t regret a thing and you’ll never receive the resolve and closure you need. If you breakup with them not on their terms you’ll see them make attempts by telling you what they think you need to hear or with gifts.. either way none of it comes from a truly honest place. Leave these types alone and seek guidance with therapy and support from close family and friends
Yes it’s a manipulative tactic to gain control. One did that to me to then a few days later told me he changed his mind and ended it. Was ridiculous. So immature
@@Itsu53 I don’t know. I’m in this storm myself as well. The only thing I can affect is to work through my fear and anxiety. It is painful and scary and I turn to God and grip His hand all the time to help me ride each drop. I’m trying to reprogram my subconscious pattern that it’s okay to not be perfect (sometimes that is working, sometimes it doesn’t…I’m still in the process). Unfortunately, my DA isn’t working on himself as much (or at all), so the storm for me is still going. I’ve been with him for 10+ years and it’s better than it was before in many respects and still troubled in others. Good luck with your healing - I hope you can feel that it’s okay to not be perfect and not take the flaw finding as arrows through your heart.
Existing in a state of assumed rejection and distance (particularly if they are the one controlling that rejection) feels more comfortable, and in line with their internal belief system. And unless they are truly made to feel the loss (which is difficult until, ironically, reuniting is impossible), then not being very connected with their emotions avoidants also may not know what they want anyway, so prefer this is led by their ex. They are used to just sublimating their desires for those of others. Beyond the early stage where there is enough distance avoidants often need to be chased, as they are not always able to do this themselves. So subconsciously, space from someone rather than any complicated engagement is always preferred. Even if conflicted or regretting, they often would rather be lonely than admit they might be wrong (stubbornness is another passive-aggressive expression that stems from fear of vulnerability and confronting difficult emotions - one's own or someone else's). And because they are often not adept at effectively processing guilt into actionable solutions that might have the potential to repair things, then until they work on this themselves the guilt over what they enacted may for them become an insurmountable barrier to making up. If given the opportunity, however, they may re-enter relationships with ex-partners, creating toxic hot and cold relationship patterns unless/until the underlying problems are addressed.
The underlying patterns are almost never addressed since they are hard wired to never want to problem solve or confront existing issues. They come back and show up as if there is nothing wrong and no discussions take place to confront relationship realities.
The work is battling with our attachment and how to really show up for ourselves bc we've never taught an inner sense of security so showing up for ourselves is understandably not an easy task to do.. it's like, we're just learning it now and we all know, learning & unlearning are not an easy to do most especially in the beginning. Sitting in discomfort and helping ourselves feel good in the midst of battling our subconscious beliefs that we need these people to feel good are a good start. Not easy but super baby step and self compassion will go a long way.
I'm a DA that is trying to heal my core wounds. I find that I'm attracting a lot of guys that are either narcissistic or unavailable. I'm a people pleaser DA
Dear Thais, thanks again for enlightening your audience with a prior issue & indeed some of my ex's also surely regret breaking up with ME for being too good for them...some time any ex can regret how they treated their partners ..
The videos are extremely helpful. Thank you, Thais! Sometimes when I read through everyone's comments I think to myself, Did we all date the same person? Stories are pretty consistent and sad/hurtful. I'm more of a AP but feel terribly for the DAs because they've never felt the joy of love in a healthy interdependent relationship. But I have to ask, at what point does one take responsibility for themselves, their pain, hurts, and actions? You can experience true happiness, DAs. You just have to get help and work through it. YOU CAN DO IT!! So many of us love you! 🙂
I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me Thais. Thank you so much I am eternally grateful! This is such a great video that I think will really resonate with my DA when reflecting on his last relationship.
Honestly after I got blindsided after this I just think relationships aren't worth the effort anymore, the cold apathetic way they treat you after you have kids together and over a decade in a relationship with them and they go from planning the wedding to literally leaving a few months later and then you go on RUclips and see all of this information that you have to do this and that just in the hopes they'll reach out, it just seems pointless, staying single seems safer.....
I'm securely attached and my goodness, the situation that's just ended for me is just painful beyond belief. He chased me and "fell in love" with me so deeply and I with him. i did air my concerns about his patterns and shut downs etc but over time they got better and we developed REAL intimacy. We would tell eachother everything and were like best friends who were totally in love. Then, I had a couple of hard times in the summer... and out of the blue he said a relationship was freaking him out. I was gentle with him, wanting to talk and he said he didnt want to feel owned or responsible for another person and he wanted to know he could just go away for months at a time if he ever wanted to etc.... he didnt give us a chance to talk it through and he ended everything. This was after him persuuing me HARD for over 1,5 years..... I leaned on him for emotional support a few times and he did me, but something freaked him out. Ever since, he's been a little back and forth with wanting to hang out... bidding ofr my attention etc... but he's dopamine has been running low and he's now obsessing about a new girl. We broke through SOOOOO many barriers in the time we knew eachother that i genuinely thought our closeness was unmatched. The fact he has literally shut down, turned off and gone cold is honestly CRAZY to me. The pain is HARDDDDDDDDD!!!!!! Never experienced anything like it. It's the total close down that feels so hard to manage. No chats, no proper communication, just shutting me out....... usually im pretty good with break ups... but this.... is hard to manage.
💔has it got easier? how have you been dealing with the pain? My heart goes out to you. The person I dated did similar thing after 2 months, I can't imagine 1.5 years...
Do DA’s often breakup saying they’re the problem? My DA ex of 1 month said that something is wrong with him if his perfect woman is in front of him, but he can’t connect anymore. He blamed himself for rushing our relationship…saying I need to find a better man. 😔 We started off very loving, very mutually into each other… After 4 months he pulled away, siting stress from work and other things. His behavior feels a little on the side of wanting to start over… confusing
common thing they say is some other person is better for you than them - so they're telling you to lower your expectations and that you deserve so much more - a reminder it's best to respect yourself because you deserve better than that! No one deserves anyone who wants back in with, poor me, you deserve better but take me and take less than you deserve - hell no
Well when nobody wanted you as a child so you built your whole life around people that dont want you, who you gonna go to? You get stuck. Live under a cloud. Life is not bad but not great, ever. You get sick of asking for the same thing. You feel misunderstood and unheard.
My ex doesn't regret it. He was pretty pissed when he left. He was angry that i mentioned my degree in a conversation once. He has a more prestigious degree that he has hanging on his wall. He couldn't find any flaws. So instead he said we were incompatible and listed everything we agreed on together as partners. No matter how kind and understanding i was afterwards, he completely ignored me. So maybe he isn't an avoidant because he acts like he made the right decision unnecessarily hurting me all because i agreed with him.
It will emerge in the next few decades that avoidants suffer from a particular Dissociative Identity Disorder. They take on an incongruous alter-personality that defies reality. Even when you agree with them it pisses them off because then it makes it harder for them to find a self convincing narrative to justify how they protect their vulnerability. The alter steps in to protect them from "getting hurt".
I’m sooo glad now that my ex DA broke up with me. I’ve done a ton of work thru PDS school… feel so great about myself again. My DA was starting to be critical, spiteful, demeaning etc… so was glad when it ended (stung a bit but I had 4 months of PDS school under my belt) woo hoo… thank you Thais (ps shadow work IS key)
Really interesting. Are there FAs who go through a similar long-term grieving process after a break up that they suppress and hide from others in their lives? As an FA who can lean a bit more DA at times, I feel like that describes me to a T.
Dated a DA for 5 years. Break ups initiated on and off by them. They check all boxes as far as deactivating strategies goes. I have tried to be really patient and understanding and have compassion towards them & tried to have those conversations about our needs & how we can work together, they would clam up, get quiet, need space, or break things off. My DA however is very very close to family. Can this be? She goes to her mom for almost everything. After every blindsided breakup or difficult conversation, she would pack up to go to her mom.
I've dated 2 DAs over the course of my life and they were both very close to their family. Ironic because it was probably their family members, growing up, that made them DA. EDIT: They probably think the kind of "love" they get from their family is real love and the kind of love you can offer them (a more healthy one) scares them?
@@roselandpetals interesting! Yeah she is very close to family. Tough situation I’m in currently. So many breakups she’s initiated almost makes it seem that this is it considering her statements of things shouldn’t be this hard, I finally love myself & who I am, my focus is on me and my career, I’m not ready etc etc. 5 years. I’ve been trying.
@@SR0490 Have you introduced her to Attachment Theory? Does she know she is DA? Unless she is willing to change HERSELF and quit looking or "blaming" you or the relationship, I'm afraid she won't change.
@@roselandpetals I have not, but I do believe she is aware. She’s written me a letter before describing that she’s aware and she’s sorry for it. This was her first attempt at a breakup but we tried to push through, back then I was completely unaware & definitely not self aware. It seems she is but wants to do the work alone considering we’ve been going through the cycles of it and it has been hurtful on both ends.
@@SR0490 It might be good to give her a little space then. It's not easy to move yourself from DA to Secure. At some point too, you have to decide if this constant push and pull with her is good for YOU. Is it really what you want? Only you can decide that.
A DA who isn't a narcissist would probably just break up once and that would be it. And I'm sorry for the DA part, but don't date narcissists, like, that's the thing you should be more concerned about. Condolences. Now leave me alone.
@@TheSilmarillion1 are you a DA? If so, not at all hating on DA’s! I have love for ALL DA’s. I just know that I plan to not be in a relationship with a DA moving forward 😊
@@TheSilmarillion1 thank you 🙏🏻 🥰 good luck on your journey as well. Hoping you can break out of that DA shell. You deserve to have all the happiness in this world!
Broke up for no reason other than felt numb. Yeah right after the breakup he dove into comforts of alcohol, food, and drugs. And yes under 6 months of NC and he's in a new relationship quickly. He looks awful. Maybe she can help him. I no longer want him. He would rather find someone new than just apologize and fix things with someone who actually cared about him. I look at his picture now and think he's an awful person. Broke my heart out of nowhere just to do whatever he wanted and then try to replace me. Makes me sick to my stomach to think I believed him when he said he loved me. 🤢
I will be 10minutes late and i will told this relationship would be over😂😂 i was threatened with break up all the time and i started not feeling secure and one night i wanted the talk 😂😂 the emotional talk to feel safe and secure well he broke with me stating he cant meet my needs when he met makung me feel insecure. Been with him 5years, gone, no text just quiet. Im glad i get to understand its not me and that nothing is wrong with me ❤
DA told me I was too old for her, and left me, even tho she didn't care at the beginning. I feel abandoned. We had a cool thing going, but the moment her core wounds of intimacy, feeling her independence going away, or whatever else felt triggered, she pulled away and went cold and found a reason to leave. I feel sad now.
Similar experience here. For my ex, she said she changed her mind about having kids and even getting remarried. Obviously we talked about those things early on. Fucking enraging.
Be sure that things won't get better for them because they never do. Take this opp to invest the time, $, and effort into building new and more meaningful relationships.
@@nicolaslockheimers It's just hard finding a single, attractive, securely attached girl that is also into u. Lot of them are already taken, or not interested in u, so ur constantly trying to meet new ones, but nothing meaningful comes out of it.
The trouble is, you give your heart to them, but you will not find out their "true" nature until the threat of love is involved. Then suddenly an issue out of the blue emerges to "justify" their self-protective behavior. And there you crumple with unbearable heartache. I think they are all possessed.
Told myself I’d make a short attempt to try and reach out and see if she wanted to repair… email Sunday to try and break the ice about what I learned last week here… no-contact protection order this morning!! My first and only DA, for sure. The identity crisis is so tragic. It’s all in His hands now.
Great work Thias thank You. Can you do a DAs and rebounding breakdown please? Mine rebounded twice immediately after leaving. Its been a year he's single and got a new dog. Lol. We were dating 3 years but he was distant throughout. Would love to know where his heads at right now. How and why he would jump in with other girls like I meant nothing
I'm a DA and my ex gf messed me up, so I'm not rebounding, I'm recovering first. But, my opinion is that he likely knew he was going to leave long before he finally did, and even if he was physically faithful when you were together, if it was right in a row, he noticed both of those women before the breakup. And he probably feels like you made him break up with you, even though his issues are as much to blame. Idk, I would say most DAs don't get back into real relationships quickly, but rebound sx.. yeah he's distant from them for sure.
@@TheSilmarillion1 did you ever go back to someone you broke up with? My DA ex blocked me after 3 years and said he doesn't go backwards and doesn't reach out to anybody 💔
I'm worried about my DA. He was an absolute classic case but couldn't tell the truth and come to me for soothing when he needed it. I really hope he's gonna be ok. Truly a good guy. Doesn't deserve to end up lonely. ☹️
My Da ex after 8 months from the break up apologized and told me he regrets our break up and that he wants to get back together because now everything will be different but he doesn't want to go to therapy,I don't know if to give a second chance or not.
Personally I wouldn’t, don’t let someone tell you they don’t want you twice . Pay attention to what they are doing (and not doing) rather than what they are saying.
It is good to take things slowly so you can see how is he behaving. Try to reestablish a friend connection and then see if you want this person as a partner. Sometimes they are not going to therapy but are looking for other ways to be better. And you can build trust slowly without being that exposed as it was in your previous relationship. You’ll see if he makes the effort or not. Remember you have responsibility too in your connection😸.
From your experience, does a DA still reach back out if they feel really guilty about the hurt caused by their decision and if you gave strong final goodbyes to each other at the time?
No they dont. They dont like feeling guilt at all. My ex DA always told me he doesnt like being guilt tripped at all into anything. Whether its past mwmories, present experiences or just being called out in general. They are not accountable nor do they choose to be. If you cant lay clear boundaries down after ending the relationship, its best to go no contact pr walk away from them forever or you will end up frustrated theyre not being accountable to you for your negative experiences with them. It takes a very strong DA to own up to their mistakes.
My Da ex now feels guilty, but it required months and my strong will to let him know exactly what hurted me several times,because they first react pushing away the guilty feelings.
@@asmallbitchybanana thanks for your thoughts. Appreciate you taking the time to do that. I agree that ownership of something seems very hard for them. Sorry was never a word I heard! I did at times get back door versions of it though. Couldn’t say it or really show it but I knew he was by whatever action he was doing he felt it - although prob pushed down to himself. A different dynamic of mind that’s for sure!
The 2nd part sounds like my trauma bond addicted recent ex gf going bk to her dead beat abusive baby dad when I loved her above and beyond and step up when it came to her daughter but she goes bk to someone that hit on her use her spend all her money and left me broken....someone give me help please.My heart broken damnit
For all the other attachment styles watching this video, we can see & possibly have compassion for what the DA experiences, feeling like they can't be vulnerable during or after the break-up. What do you think?
That's the thing - they need to work on becoming vulnerable during a breakup so that the breakup doesn't take place. Their ego (defensive/protective) takes over and they cannot humble themselves enough to work through the tough arguments that lead to endings. They explode with anger and refuse to take responsibility for their part, which is why so many walk away. Then the DA blames them for walking away.
I have compassion from a distance meaning I won’t engage with a DA in a relationship or give them a second or third chance. Also won’t make excuses for them. As adults, we all need to own our choices in life despite our fears and history. That’s growth. But yes, it is sad to see a life of relationships wasted and the experiences they will lack from pushing people away. Life has meaning with relationships. I kind of view the aging DA much like the aging narcissist (Dr Ramani reference). They one day wake up in old age alone.
@@anon_ya Right. You can make your decision whether to engage with someone or not. I think it's good to see what's happening and then decide for yourself if you want to engage or not. And if you engage, understand that comes with it. Good stuff! :)
I'm a very compassionate person, but how can you have compassion for someone who does not feel, but instead chooses to distract and numb themselves? They are not really suffering. They are avoiding pain at all costs, skimming through life. Maybe I can have compassion for the waste of life instead.
Funny you mentioned it could be based on being 5 minutes late, or just missing a period in the sentence or something. I found my 2 ex DA's were late and not good at grammar.
Yeah he broke up with me over something that could of been solved we talked about it before and I didn’t care about him working 2 jobs and he just gave up because of if I cared I would of been left but all of a sudden now he leaves and blocks me on everything after asking him to call to talk about it I got blocked on everything I miss him and I was his crush from the job and finally dated and he was so invested
I'm guessing DA's tend to always be the one to break up.. I'm glad it wasn't flaw finding my last time, it was for the best due to living situation. She went on to finally get married, but regardless I "miss her", we spent almost half a decade together, but I miss her for pretty selfish reasons so I don't "count" it.
My DA friend would get others to break up with him - so more passive/aggressive. I'm thinking FAs are more likely to break up the way you're talking. Even getting married is difficult for a DA.
What if the avoidant and I knew each other casually before dating and only dated 3 months, but those were the most intense months? That I was the second person she ever dated and the first she had real feelings for? When she broke up with me, she said she wanted to be with me but was scared of being hurt
What if they immediately go back to their ex a few days after breaking up with me? Will they every feel the loss and regret breaking up with me when we lived together for almost 2 years & he said he was going to propose in Dec? He was only with his ex for 8 months and they never loved together and she initially broke up with him.
Do FA like their ex reach out to start again the relationship? I have this doubt because coaches says that the one who broke up has to be the one who reach out. But if they are FA they are afraid to rejection and to reach out, so what could we do?
The POS DA i was with wouldn't even have the decent to tell me why he'd break up with me..Id get a text saying I don't have a love connection with you. Then he'd keep silent for a few weeks..I suspected he dated others in this time. Then he'd come back with all sorts of sweet talk. And the cycle would start all over again. He is blocked for good.
These people with this attachment style need to go to psychologic help and learn to grow out of it. Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions and learn to not be so judgemental of others.
That was my interpretation too and I can't say I agree to this. My ex DA came back to me full of regret after two months and we only dated for a month before.
I need help to interpret. Was w a loving DA for almost 2 years WAs blindsided at 13 months where they seemed devastated of this ‘problem’, which I think was avoidance. Never stopped talking and 3 weeks later we saw each other again. Seemed very happy, loving always wanted to be w me like usual. WEll, blindsdied again about 8 months later. Coldly, wanted no contact and gave reason that I never gave space in first brakup (news to me) and also they just can’t be in a relationship bc they really can’t. I never heard again for 8 months. Contacted me to ask me something and even seemed to want me to ask something. I could not talk, so I said I will later. Well, the next day I saw him and he just looked at me, and did not acknowledge me. I was so shocked. Even more ironic that next day found out we have an activity together weekly. He is fine there, cordial. Image looks perfect no one knows. . I wrote a text about 10 days later, stating that he texted, we talked, and it seems awkward to ignore each other like we don’t know each other , did they want to get coffee so it’s not that way. He wrote that he doesn’t really want to do that. Ok fine. So now, I see him out on the street-total ignore, just stare (not mean) but will not say hello, just walks by me. At the activity ,will interact as needed. I mean it has now been 9+ months. IS there a reason for being completely ignored (I was just thinking cordial hello in passing is normal). Why is this??? Is this degree of avoidance normal? We did have a realy nice relationship and friendship prior. But his behavior at blindside and now this IGNORING really hurts more.
You say 'ignoring' but you could also just call it 'dismissing and avoiding' which may help explain why he's doing what he is doing. You were dismissed and are now being avoided and of course that hurts. If this guy was emotionally competent enough to deal with a conversation that would clear the air (which you offered), he wouldn't be a DA. The mere thought of the emotions that could resurface during this meet-up are reason enough to avoid it. It has got nothing to do with you and everything with his own fears which he perfected rationalising.
What if a partner can meet most if all of the needs of the DA and the DA truly loves the partner but the Da still pull-back (or take a break or even break-up) because of their fears of intimacy, vulnerability, losing independence etc? How do you manage this?
@@nataliegreenham This is my situation with the DA. He says our relationship is verging on perfect but still pulls back / takes breaks regularly almost to the point that I think he will break-up with me because I perceive his feelings are too strong!! 😧
You dont manage it. I would say, realize when youve actually had enough and its no longer healthy for your own peace of mind. You can only do so much for someone, and be understanding to a certain extent, Da or not. I would know when my limit is, and operate on that. There is a limit to everything honestly. You have to think of yourself too.
Thias. My DA initial the break up. We had a bad break up. Does that make a difference or most of the time they reach out after 3 months? Do you have a percentage of how often reach out after a bad break up. Many thanks
If it’s in the long term side of things and they do feel sadness or regret, how likely are they to reach out to the ex to try to tell them they made a mistake?
In my experience they will reach out, but rarely with a grand gesture or apology etc. DAs are scared to put too much of themselves out there at once, so you may get some texts or breadcrumbs as they test the water to see how receptive you are to coming back into contact. I’ve heard Thais say that many DAs will come back and friendzone, because that gives them what they want (proximity and needs being met) without the fear (expectations).
@@adoptioncorner1984 could be either, but I would say this is a trivial piece of information (when they reach out). It’s not healthy or secure behavior to leave people and keep coming back to haunt them…
@@adoptioncorner1984 I’m so sorry 😔. To go from a committed relationship to not having that person in your life is understandably painful, and it’s only natural for you to doubt the significance of the whole experience when it ended. You DID mean something to that person otherwise you wouldn’t have spent 3 yrs together. You did have a real connection and love. It was real. I don’t know the circumstances behind the separation, but I encourage you to honor what it was and what it meant for you, be grateful for the experience. Try not to project meanings that are untrue and unnecessary and hurt you (for example: when you said you doubt you meant anything to them). Sometimes people can love us and our love can be real, but they can also leave us at the same time for a lot of reasons outside of our control. Sometimes our parents really love us, but they also disappoint us in the areas they are not well-equipped (as an example). I understand your pain, and I hope you begin to look inward at yourself, love yourself, find something exciting and joyful that you want to live for. I believe love will find us again and life can become so much more exciting when we are willing to surrender these old stories. Thank the past, be sad, cherish the memories, take the lessons, and move forward one baby step at a time. I wish you peace and encouragement. ❤️
Its been 6 months of no contact…i’ve been cut out of my ex’s life right after the breakup…how do I make contact again without upsetting him? How do I mediate starting conversation and expressing my feelings?
I want to know, too. It's been 7 wks . Not a peep. I miss him terribly but have been watching breakup coach vids that all say go into complete no contact. I did this immediately as he broke up with me. It was my fault though. It was all a misunderstanding by text and I spoke to a mutual friend out of desperation whom he had not told we were "involved". This was a security violation, I guess. I know he misses me b/c he was watching me on a group Signal we had w/other ppl. After 2 wks, he seemed to have dropped Signal.
I dont see the woman I dated for months that I just broke up with regretting anything 😂 she's cold, even if she felt that way, she would take it to the grave.
Is it possible FA last more than 6 months after they broke up with they anxious partner? Is there still a chance to get them back? It has been a 4.5 years relationship and has been 3 breaks up. The anxious hasn’t reach out but they work on the same job so they don’t see each other but text each other through text messenger for work things
FA people don't break up easily. Look for the reason why this person broke up with you. FAs have been seriously hurt as children. Make sure you never abandon them.
Who da fuck cares if DA regret and suffer after breakup? A person who loves you will never leave you. Especially when you didnt do anything wrong. Period
No, that’s not always the case. Life isn’t either black or white
Subconsciously, an avoidant feels reassured and in control by sensing the usually anxiously attached is unlikely to leave them even if they give little - and they would be right. The anxious partner continues to stay and tolerate being treated with either indifference or kept in a grey area where the relationship is undefined.
Dismissive avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life, the ordinariness of everyday routines
Well said.
'Dismissive avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur.'
Well put. I'd add that this is also often to the detriment of the DA because they may seek out situationships etc. that provide them with the feelings that made them DA in the first place - neglect, low-level cruelty, indifference, not being seen as interesting or a priority. It's their comfort zone and results in some DAs staying in relationships or however they'd define it, that are objectively bad for their mental health. All insecure attachment styles, I believe, have a tendency to stay in emotionally volatile relationships because they mistake the roller-coaster a lack of certainty can create for deep feelings.
My Ex DA was “dating” girls he had chosen to seek out from the massage parlors he had frequented and taken to learning their language in order to be more adept in communicating with them. It bothered me that he would oftentimes converse with me that language to practice. He chased these girls because a relationship like these where he would not be required to show up or actively be engaged . He could keep the girls at bay, by maintaning the pesudo relationship , almost fantasy like in nature, where he had feelings of “saving” the girl , almost like being a hero in a fantasy novel, like Thais mentions their need to escape to fantasy like situations in their head to avoid reality.
Everything you said in here makes perfect sense 100 percent. Da’s always want to be in situations where they have full control of the outcome and their emotions, so when they do get in a “normal” relationship they are unable to cope with and see that there are expectations expected from them being partnered. Mine didnt understand why i exoected to be greeted on my birthday or why he needed to be present for such a day, while he got all the bells and whistles during his. He also got peeved off when i texted him that i was lonely as to why he wasnt reaching out the whole day and called me fuming mad telling me i expected a lot from him and was guilt tripping him.
These were all basic relationship expectations, nothing out of the ordinary, all reasonable even adding in that he gave me the bare minimum on a daily. Calling once to talk when it suited him, and telling me not to expect or demand more. It was one of the most heart wrenching experiences i have had my whole life. I still have a hard time processing thectype of person i dealt with because normally i believe humans sre wired for intimacy and connection and show up for such relationships. I never knew such a category of individuals existed until i got with him. Now i know better, and when i smell a DA a mile away, i keep walking.
@@asmallbitchybanana he was an emotional toddler stunted. Not a man who could actually show up for you.
@@alexblainelayter7703 very accurately said. My ex Da was a very high status one, meaning he seemingly put up this front of being a high value individual with a good job, and extremely high standards of himself, yet he always dated people that were “beneath” those very standards he defined for himself, where he got the bare minimum back himself. When he was getting real love, attention, affection and honesty from me, he seemed to not understand that these traits could be expected in real partnerships so much so that it overwhelmed him when i gave these to him. All of these traits seemed to be so foreign and alien to him. It almost seemed like there was a coldness and a detachment in him that was present and couldnt understand the concept of human emotion and the need for reciprocity.
Dating an avoidant is like going bungee jumping and getting splattered at the bottom.
😂😂😂😂 well said
Hahaha
the real question is "why do you care if they regret it?", just take your opportunity to get far, far away from them and never look back
Exactly! The connection in general is a waste of time, brings more pain than gain. DAs don’t invest therefore there are nothing left in a relationship. It’s not like a marriage, you get half of the assets, with pain. The connection with DA has no assets left, no intellectual, financial or personal. Only pain. Of course, there is self growth after the toxicity, but it’s from me, not from him.
I cannot wait to get to this point. I still love her and think way too much about her. I also know that I could never trust her again. Its dead, yet still hurts.
Ugh...
Gee, I dunno, maybe because you actually care about them?
Bingo!!!
Exactly 💩
I was so confused when the DA I was dating faded/ghosted after three months, but I am so grateful it was only after three months and not longer. I learned a lot and I definitely dodged a bullet
Yeah, although I know it sucked for you, you were really lucky to get out at the 3 month mark.
Same, my DA ghosted me for 3 months after dating for 3 months, and then reached out to be ‘FRIENDS’ as they found someone else to date exclusively.
@@marcd2743 agreed! He's been so off the radar, lesson learned!
Mine was 4 fucking years. Be grateful it was only 3 months. Some people have had them fuck off right before marriage
I was with mine 4 years was blindsided and ignored it felt like to them the 4 years never happened and it's like i was erased from his memory
If you don’t want your heart to be left with a gaping hole in it avoid DAs .
I do feel for them and this is not a dig at anyone. Just realise these people will seriously hurt you and you will really feel worthless. Avoid you can do so much better . 🙏
That is the absolute truth. Instead of guessing and fixing and dealing with DAs, just go date someone else. I dated a DA this year and he literally tuned me into a super anxious person. After I quitted this weird relationship and some psy sessions, I feel I am back to normal. Never ever date a DA as I am no therapist.
@@carolehcheng1 I could not agree with you more👏🏻 it’s been three years and I’m FINALLY getting myself back together.. AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS!
@@carolehcheng1 I learnt this too. I am secure and dated a textbook DA for a year who was exquisite, caring and beyond consistent during the honeymoon phase but made me feel like an anxious mess the moment I started to get closer and things got more serious. During our final month, I no longer had idea what he wanted or what his needs were, and he started to need days to "think" about an answer whenever I'd ask about it. I could not deal with the anxiety this sort of limbo was giving me so I told him I needed to take a week of no contact just to "cool down" and reflect about our relationship so I could hopefully return with a much healthier perspective on how to work things out... and I did, I was ready to return recharged and give us my very best try with an improved attitude and new ideas... oh well, to my surprise, during that NC week, he apparently met someone new and decided to completely check out emotionally from our relationship to pursue this new person.
Oh boy, no matter how secure you think you are, something like this is still going to make you feel disposable. I felt so hurt, so betrayed when he told me he suddenly just liked someone new. I had no choice other than end things for good at that moment, and he didn't even try to fight it. The caring, loving, consistent men I had fallen for was gone, and became this cold, heartless and nonchalant person that I didn't recognize. He offered no explanation, no apologies, nothing, just coldness, like I never mattered at all, not even one bit. This was all a month ago. The immediate heartbreak I felt was really painful, not just about things ending so abruptly, but how COLD and heartless he was about it all. I'm in therapy now to help me cope with the aftermath. I have reached out a few times this month in an attempt to find answers, but it's fruitless, all he said in his last email was that I make him feel uncomfortable and unease by reaching out. I've been learning more about DA attachment style so I can hopefully find some sort of closure.
So I would absolutely NOT recommend getting involved with a dismissive avoidant.
@@Predictable1 I feel for you. You’ll be ok sooner than you think. It’s a very hard pill to swallow. If your empathic you’ll never understand these kinds of people. Build your spirit each day because…. You are worthy and beautiful and part of this world. I’m 4 months clear now and it still plays with my mind some days , how this coldness can exist. Take care and don’t lose faith… because there are wonderful caring people out there. 😊😊
@@Predictable1 Their coping mechanism of crs is always to protect themselves and it's a very rigid one. As much as it's about them, it's just so painful coz we, people with anxious attachment tendencies attached too hard and it takes a lot of work to free ourselves of this unhealthy attachment. Shutting down or in your case, finding someone else is their way to protect themselves. That's too personal of crs no matter how we tell ourselves that it's not and it's just their coping strategies. I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Been there. Once they shut you out, they really shut you out coz they probably perceived you and your relationship as a threat.
Couches need to stop assuming everyone who dates DA are clingy, anxious attachment people. Any ordinary healthy minded person who cares will be concerned and will panic when their partner withdraws.
Being a DA is not a personality. It is something to be corrected.
DA's should be addressed in terms of their behaviour and not in terms of the opposite of DA.
I am a recovering Avoidant (FA and DA), and I definitely have gotten to points of regret with breakups I initiated. Most notably with a woman I have a child with. She and I have been on again off again (bc of me, of course) for years. I’ve dated other people for short periods of time and she has dated a couple people. When I was with her, the first few months were always fantastic then I would pull back bc of the flaws I saw in her or any other excuse I could latch on to. It would instantly turn cold and I would leave. Months would pass but we always had to communicate in some way bc of our child and because we genuinely like being around and talking to each other. Then I would regret not making things work. We would get back together then I’d leave again. When she would date, I’d lose my mind and try to get her back. When I would date, she would do the same. A few months ago, she told me she thought I had an avoidant attachment style. Around this same time, she was dating again. We were talking a lot but we both decided we wanted to end the cycle. So everything was fine. I started reading more and more about avoidant attachment and started identifying with the symptoms/behaviors of that attachment style. I was doing all of this to her. Instantly grief and remorse fell completely over my body. I had no idea this was what I was doing. She’s with someone now who seems to make her really happy. I’m in therapy trying to work on myself and forgive myself. I feel like I lost a really good thing bc I didn’t know how to heal. So, in short, yes avoidants do feel regret.
This cycle break up/make up sounds exactly like me and my ex. First few months back were always amazing till he shut down. I'm sorry for your loss but it was an opportunity for you to reflect and evolve. You never know what the future might hold. If you had a chance to get back together, it might work better since you're self-reflecting. All the best. I admire your courage to look inward.
Thank you for sharing your story. While painful to look back, you now have the knowledge and understanding to move forward. I wish you the best. ❤️🙏🏽
Maybe you're not going to be together as a couple again but you made each other grow and develop into better versions of yourselves. So it's not a wasted opportunity, you learnt through each other and partially with each other. Your kid can only benefit from parents who are more self-aware and ready to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma.
Oh dear you did make her miserable... But the good thing is you are now aware...
Thank you for sharing this POV!!
Thais is an angel because whenever I'm feeling uneasy over my breakup, she releases a video that addresses my DA ex
Agree!! She has saved me from complete meltdown more than once. Brilliant and amazing lady.
@@Robinrapunzel She should mention in her videos that she has a book. I bought it recently and just finished it today! There is a lot to absorb so I'm planning on rereading it and taking notes. I'll be a step ahead once I try her 7 day trial.
@@MoneySoul "Attachment Theory - A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life"
@@MoneySoul Sorry I didn't see this because of those stupid bots. Did you manage to get your hands on it? Hope you enjoyed it!
If its in their subconscious mind to push people away to avoid being vulnerable, your literally fighting a losing battle. Dont bother, lifes complicated as it is
So DAs break up with someone because they dont actually want a relationship. No one can fit their perfections.
They find somebody else in the blink of an eye. The person is not important. The benefits are.
Exactly! “What can you do?” for the DA 😅
My ex DA is crashing on someones couch because he becAme homeless after Covid. He has a high paying job, lives rather well, drives an ok vehicle but chooses to couch crash on his friends couch. One of the benefits i provided was for him to come crash at my place when he needed a much more private space to sleep at, plus the benefits of sex, and intimacy. We abruptly broke up two weeks ago after months of discord and struggle with his avoidant ways, i finally decided to end it. When i decided that its okvto be friends with him hecause im exercising clearer boundaries now, he continues to ask me to come over and eventually crash. Friends dont sleep on the same bed especially if they were in a relationship full of passion and lust. I chose to ignore his requests to come over. When Thais talks about the DA’s lack of modelling or behaviors to emulate in approaching intimate relationships, one of them is clearly disregarding exes boundaries. Part of it too i iguess is like Thais said, the reality of the break up hasnt come for them yet. Im choosing to distance myself after my boundaries are still constantly being tested even after i chose to remain friends after the break up.
Yes, they only put up with the person when they can benefit and absorb something from them. When the sucking is complete, they look for the next then attach to them.
Exactly 👍🏽
@@marcd2743 They don't attach, that's the whole point.
I had to cut off my DA ex because he kept reaching out and expressing regrets. Apparently I'm the love of his life and the "one who got away" - but when he had the chance to be with me, he chose to marry someone else. He's still married and we haven't been together for over 10 years. I think if he left his wife and I gave him another chance he'd run, just the same as before. I also think he's not really in love with me, the memory of me in his head is the excuse he's using to not fully commit to his marriage.
I bet it's both. With time I imagine even D.A.'s can look back and see when they messed up a good thing and see that that was their genuine opportunity for a real love that deep down they always wanted but wouldn't let themselves have.That the love they had for you all along that they suppressed resurfaced after they had time to calm from their panick. Though,if he never worked on his issues I think you are right...that he would run again. He may also be using the memory of love for you to also hide from his wife emotionally. It's the saddest thing I have ever seen. These people being so damaged and most likely from their childhood...it's just awful. For them and for us. I kind of want to go punch my suspected D.A.'s caretakers in the face for making him this way because I can see that there is so much great potential in him if he could just stop running from his sh*t and healed.
The "phantom ex." Thais has videos on this. They romanticize their exes.
Yes, they do this. Don't buy into it.
Ya, not cool, he is married, im willing yo bet hes not telling his wife that your the love of his life, if i were you id go tell his wife, she is the victim in this situation, stop talking to a married man. His unhappiness is not your problem so long as hes got a wedding band.
They live in fairytale fantasies. What a scumbag he is for doing that to his wife - probably hasnt communicated shit to her
The question is do most DAs wait long enough to process the breakup before jumping into another relationship? My ex ended things very abruptly on the phone after 1.5 years and couldn’t have a real conversation because he was so emotionally shutdown. Within a few months, he was already in another relationship. It seems they will do anything to avoid the pain and to avoid taking responsibility. Instead, they dump and project it onto the other person and distract themselves, convincing themselves that they weren’t the problem and looking for the “right” person. They will continue to repeat the cycle until they take responsibility and do the work.
Exactly this!
Thank you for this!
Yes, that is exactly what I’ve experienced. They didn’t bother to even let me know that they are dating someone else and kept going hot & cold with me as things were normal. After breaking my heart into million pieces, they want us to be friends.
@@rezmamirakle7515 My DA's mutual friend told me that she was in a new relationship after 3 months of her breaking up with me. I am still blocked and emailed her to talk but all I got was silence.
they do seem to jump from one relationship to the next pretty quickly. From what I could gather, my ex had a long series of short relationships that she ended. If that's not a red flag, what is???? Dump and project- yes, exactly this, exactly...
My DA ended things with me after 3 years together. Been a month of no contact; almost as though I no longer exist to him. Can’t begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart
It became a decently serious relationship but right before 3 months i got blindsided. Looking back I'm SO grateful it didn't last longer. It would have broken be for sure
superficially they are likely to pin blame for the demise of a relationship on their partners (of course occasionally this can actually be true, and when relationships fail there can be a problematic dynamic for which both take responsibility). But underneath there is such low self-esteem that at the core they do not feel their true self is worthy of love and attention. Should a partner penetrate their armour, they retreat to the safety of companionship with others who do not realise they are not what they appear to be on the surface. While doing so they suppress their feelings and tell themselves they do not need the partner who they may, in fact, miss greatly, even while they can be very unhappy alone.
For most people, experiences that have a heightened emotional charge are more likely to be remembered. But if an individual defensively suppresses the more emotional aspects of close relationships, then fewer relationship-based memories will be laid down for future recollection. As a result avoidants can be poor at recalling the details and incidents of past relationships, and any distress is minimised.
There can be a great sadness in the lengths avoidants must go to suppress their natural attachments and convince themselves they are better off alone throughout their lives, forgoing the self-belief and compromises that give the opportunity for long, meaningful and deep partnerships. They tell themselves they are just waiting for the right partner, resist addressing that it is typically their rejection of the feelings of themselves and others, learned difficulty with closeness and expressing who they truly are that has left them alone, through no fault of their own. Through their lives they push away those who care about them most.
Well said . My therapist said the same things about my DA ex. I would have never thought in a million years he felt those ways about himself. He also told me he doesn't go backwards and he doesn't reach out to anybody. 💔
Again, accurately put. Everyone else is to blame and at fault for their relationships ending and they seek out partners that make them feel like they have to chase and are actually never a match to them or are beneath them. When they do get together with an anxious partner that does everything for them, they push them away because they are treated with love and affection and they dont understand such people exist while at the same time taking these people for granted and doing only the bare minimum. When their relationships do end because the anxious partner has had enough, you would think they would have pangs pf loneliness or guilt, and while they may, the push it far beneath the surface, and pretend like it doesnt exist because suppressing those emotions seems to be what feels good to them, to never be confronted with the reality lf another ending instead, they continue searching for “the one”: deserting, and oftentimes abandoning connections that mayhave had the potential to turn into something more or couldve been their ultimate relationship. They sabotage everything real, while clinging to situations that never were.
Beautifully said.
@@asmallbitchybanana When I read descriptions of DA's they fit with being textbook narcissists.
@@asmallbitchybanana wow, we’ll said, sounds like my wife right now of 20yrs with 2 small kids, I couldn’t understand how she could be doing this now, but what U said makes perfect sense
Superficial versus deeply intimate, intellectual versus heart feelings, resistance versus openness, doubt versus trust, distance and fear versus love and receptivity 🙏
That's a very good way to put it!
Yep never again. First time I left someone in all the way. ADA. Perfect. I’m so angry.
Poor DA it’s too soon to feel compassion
I was the datee after a 8 yr marriage. Biggest mistake I’ve ever made.
That's one way to deaminize a DA.
So yeah basically, my ex went flaw finding, found whatever reasoning she needed, dumped me and hasn’t thought about it twice since? Jesus Christ, the most painful experience I’ve ever been through. Well I’ve spent three years just blaming myself and wishing I could’ve done better. I tried so hard to connect to her.. I walked away and went no contact, and have wished and hoped every freaking day I would hear from her at some point in my life. Guess she’s really gone forever.
I did this to someone who was the love of my life DA , I came back after 2 years but of pandemic so not regular times and he has gone quiet , even after his displays of trying so hard .. I came back and he’s not accepting my return 🤷♀️
@@lisa4cohen Are you saying you’re the DA, or they are?
.. just to follow up .. found out he’s in a new relationship, but instead of telling me so .. he used the words “ I have moved on and mended my heart I need some time I’m confused “, I had to ask a 3rd party if he was seeing someone .. so basically I’ve been waiting 7 months for some word from him.. as he wrote me a letter telling me he would like to come visit and get his stuff ( I’ve been storing for 2.5 years) and he thinks of me often… wth .. is he dissMissive or …? Or a coward
Mine totally erased me from his memory after 4 years together been a month since breakup love turns to hate quickly for me they are vile and dont deserve to be in any relationship
I feel like my DA ex will want to reach out eventually but be too embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid of my reaction. She's so conflict avoidant I can't see her reaching out.
My avoidant ex and i were really into each other. He kept telling me he couldn't find anything wrong with me which was a huge red flag. He was looking. His son loved me. He kept saying that was a huge problem! How could that be a problem?! He finally left me and told our mutual friend it was because i didnt ride a bike. Right before he ended it, i admitted he loved me. Ridiculous. Never again will i date someone that is avoidant. They are cruel in the end and will break your heart.
My DA bf broke up with me because a fight ensued when I tried to talk to him about my feelings. He said I talk to much and have to many feelings. Walked away. My anxiety kicked in and I didn’t leave him alone when he said he didn’t want to talk so he broke up with me and went to sleep in the car. We were together 1.5 years. All because I wanted to talk about my feelings in regards to the way his dismissals make me feel
dude i feel that. have u guys talked since?
We are in the same boat my lovely friend just took a sip of red wine for us 😂😂😂
update?
Literally same exact thing happened to me!! I just want to talk and discuss.. and he doesn't EVER want to talk and dismisses the next day...
They don't want to hear about how their actions affect you. You are the reason any problem existed between the two of you. I've gone through this same thing for the past two years. I really finally have gone NC with her, she's going to be a very lonely old woman unless she changes her behavior.
This makes a ton of sense, especially watching this post-breakup. And, on a side note, your hair looks spectacular in this video Thais.
100% agreed on both counts :)
When my last ex broke up with me he said "and I don't regret my decision." I never asked him if he regretted it, he just added that in all by himself 😅
He felt the need to make that point to you to almost 1) convince himself 2) be mean enough to you to demonstrate his arrogance of being independent and the cool guy
3) it was a defense mechanism to avoid his own sensitivity and vulnerability
Good thing he showed his real self in that moment. That’s kind of a mean and unnecessary thing to say to someone you’re breaking up with.
I hope you are finding more emotionally available and evolved partner potentials now. ❤
@@anon_ya It's a bit sad, but maybe they don't even feel sad themselves.
@@haikuoflife maybe, but I do believe they have feelings like we do; they’ve just come to fear intimacy. I agree with Thais on the “fears minus feelings”. When fears are low (no relationship expectations), feelings come to surface. That’s why they will sometimes come back after the breakup or want to stay friends.
@@anon_ya I got texts within a day w/a DA (after a ghosting). There were some emotional exchanges, then back to nothing. I'm not here to change anyone so working on myself. =)
@@haikuoflife 🙏🏽👏🏽🔥
My ex didn't communicate their needs or in general. It caused this negative feedback loop where they deactivated by distancing so I also distanced myself so they wouldn't feel smothered. Then they complained about us having difficulty talking and said it was us not clicking well, as if they didn't cause it. I was too exhausted and frustrated to fight for us because whenever we get close they want to end things. I still care for them, I'm still hurting (it happened yesterday), but I'm done having my time wasted.
Same here..damned if you do damned if you don't. Very confusing and frustrating. Im going thru heartache right now. He is blocked and I hope i have the strength to keep h im there BLOCKED
I had thus push pull for 7.months..he kept breaking up with me for no valid reasons..blamed me for being on social media to attract other men. I now understand the illness...it is a mental illness. He finally broke up 3 weeks ago..I say finally bc I've blocked him on every platform. I cannot go through this anymore..I'm going insane with it. Poor guy. He was a great guy but for his DA style. I learned that I'm am anxious.
@@justmegee88 Even secure people turn anxious when immersed in this dynamic.
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 I can confirm this. Secure and dated a FA leaning super avoidant. I got my closure yesterday when she reached out. We bumped into each other and i think i answered to her text to heavy with "Hey, it was good to see you in person after all this time". 3 months passed since her Blindside. Damn she lashed out. Saying that it finds it a little naggy. Furthermore she told me that i'm not struggling with my first teenage crush, we are adults and mature and that i need to find some distractions and start to turn my attentions to someone that can reciprocate. I handled it in a mature way texting her back that there is no rancor or hard feelings towards her. I was always sincere and i wanted to say to her that i'm sorry how that night went. Her emotions were and are all legitimate. We are adults and to be an adult is also to be like this. Saying sorry to a person. That she helped me grow and let me understand better. To do not worry about my distractions i had in those 3 months and that my attentions right now are focused majorly on myself only. Hoping she could really understand my words. Sadly she did not put the work on herself. She did not even try. I hoped for it, but the reality is very different. Still i got some kind of hope in the future that she recognize my last text as a wake up call.
They are emotionally brutal, and will always project outward.
They should do the world a favor and not seek relationships.
My DA ex just jumped into a new relationship a couple months after our 2+ year relationship. She moved herself and her daughter in with him 4 months later. When I found out, I was absolutely gutted. However, things get better over time if you stay in no contact and work on yourself. I have learned so much about myself through this process. Now, I don't really care what she does really. I'm all about working on myself and getting myself to where I need to be. However, she has tried to get all mutual friends to cut contact with me. She abandoned me in every sense of the word after the breakup and wanted everyone else to do the same. It used to hurt, but now I'm just wondering why this person is still trying to punish me. I just want peace in my life.
She is clearly in a much worse mental space than you, so even though it probably has hurt you a lot, you are lucky that you don't need to act like a cold blooded psychopath or make other people hate the person you split up with to justify your actions... basically, I am sure you will get better with time, it was probably an important life lesson. Wish you all the best, I am sure you will meet a wonderful person in the future!
@user-gs1et6sx4k thank you for the kind words! Life is much better now that I've gotten used to her not being in it. I was unhealthy and depressed. I'm in much better shape, much better head space, and am enjoying playing the field. I've heard that her life is in a slow tailspin. I wish her all the best, but it won't be from me.
I don't like the flaw finding. It could be the smallest thing that they magnify ( cognitive distortions). Pseudo independent.
It's very clear and so hurtful. Like the flick of a switch - you're "perfect", and then you're horrible.
My ex did that to me, even the smallest flaws like my wallpaper not being perfect.
And when they can't find something they invent it.
I get sick of them saying my flaws to me over and over again. It’s like, yes I know, let’s now move on! But he doesn’t….
Mine started zeroing in on the way I ate by making really passive aggressive comments that were quite mean-spirited or making fun of me in front of others, but in a way that didn’t feel loving. And seeing everything I did as negative, even though he was the one being negative. It snowballed at the very end and he ended things before we had any chance to talk about anything.
If they devalued and discarded you NO they won’t regret a thing and you’ll never receive the resolve and closure you need. If you breakup with them not on their terms you’ll see them make attempts by telling you what they think you need to hear or with gifts.. either way none of it comes from a truly honest place. Leave these types alone and seek guidance with therapy and support from close family and friends
Yes it’s a manipulative tactic to gain control. One did that to me to then a few days later told me he changed his mind and ended it. Was ridiculous. So immature
Wonderful video, Thank you, so nice to understand DAs, especially the one I'm in no contact with.
Flaw finding from the DA partner is a perfect storm of anxiety for the partner who fears/has anxiety that they have to be perfect. 😭
How to get out of this storm of anxiety? This describes exactly what I'm living through
@@Itsu53 I don’t know. I’m in this storm myself as well. The only thing I can affect is to work through my fear and anxiety. It is painful and scary and I turn to God and grip His hand all the time to help me ride each drop. I’m trying to reprogram my subconscious pattern that it’s okay to not be perfect (sometimes that is working, sometimes it doesn’t…I’m still in the process). Unfortunately, my DA isn’t working on himself as much (or at all), so the storm for me is still going. I’ve been with him for 10+ years and it’s better than it was before in many respects and still troubled in others. Good luck with your healing - I hope you can feel that it’s okay to not be perfect and not take the flaw finding as arrows through your heart.
Existing in a state of assumed rejection and distance (particularly if they are the one controlling that rejection) feels more comfortable, and in line with their internal belief system. And unless they are truly made to feel the loss (which is difficult until, ironically, reuniting is impossible), then not being very connected with their emotions avoidants also may not know what they want anyway, so prefer this is led by their ex. They are used to just sublimating their desires for those of others. Beyond the early stage where there is enough distance avoidants often need to be chased, as they are not always able to do this themselves.
So subconsciously, space from someone rather than any complicated engagement is always preferred. Even if conflicted or regretting, they often would rather be lonely than admit they might be wrong (stubbornness is another passive-aggressive expression that stems from fear of vulnerability and confronting difficult emotions - one's own or someone else's). And because they are often not adept at effectively processing guilt into actionable solutions that might have the potential to repair things, then until they work on this themselves the guilt over what they enacted may for them become an insurmountable barrier to making up. If given the opportunity, however, they may re-enter relationships with ex-partners, creating toxic hot and cold relationship patterns unless/until the underlying problems are addressed.
Oh, this sounds like you recently read freetoattach.
The underlying patterns are almost never addressed since they are hard wired to never want to problem solve or confront existing issues. They come back and show up as if there is nothing wrong and no discussions take place to confront relationship realities.
@@alexblainelayter7703 it’s the best
It is so well said! You must had deeper thoughts on DAs
@@alexblainelayter7703 book? I can’t find it…
The work is battling with our attachment and how to really show up for ourselves bc we've never taught an inner sense of security so showing up for ourselves is understandably not an easy task to do.. it's like, we're just learning it now and we all know, learning & unlearning are not an easy to do most especially in the beginning. Sitting in discomfort and helping ourselves feel good in the midst of battling our subconscious beliefs that we need these people to feel good are a good start. Not easy but super baby step and self compassion will go a long way.
Indeed :(
You look especially great today! 😍😍😊😊❤️❤️
I love your makeup and hair, it looks soooo sharp!
If my ex was a DA she couldn't even make eye contact with me. One of the basic pleasures of an intimate relationship
You litterally saved my sanity with your explanations Thaïs
I'm a DA that is trying to heal my core wounds. I find that I'm attracting a lot of guys that are either narcissistic or unavailable. I'm a people pleaser DA
Dear Thais, thanks again for enlightening your audience with a prior issue & indeed some of my ex's also surely regret breaking up with ME for being too good for them...some time any ex can regret how they treated their partners ..
The videos are extremely helpful. Thank you, Thais! Sometimes when I read through everyone's comments I think to myself, Did we all date the same person? Stories are pretty consistent and sad/hurtful. I'm more of a AP but feel terribly for the DAs because they've never felt the joy of love in a healthy interdependent relationship. But I have to ask, at what point does one take responsibility for themselves, their pain, hurts, and actions? You can experience true happiness, DAs. You just have to get help and work through it. YOU CAN DO IT!! So many of us love you! 🙂
I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me Thais. Thank you so much I am eternally grateful! This is such a great video that I think will really resonate with my DA when reflecting on his last relationship.
PS I tell everyone I speak to about you! You are a godsend I’m serious!!!!!
Honestly after I got blindsided after this I just think relationships aren't worth the effort anymore, the cold apathetic way they treat you after you have kids together and over a decade in a relationship with them and they go from planning the wedding to literally leaving a few months later and then you go on RUclips and see all of this information that you have to do this and that just in the hopes they'll reach out, it just seems pointless, staying single seems safer.....
The DA tries to turn you into a DA imo
Just avoid avoidants! Don't let them ruin you for everyone else!
The dismissive avoidance contagion spreads
Hello! I was just wondering, can we have videos like these from a point of view of a Fearful avoidant? Thankyou so much for your videos ❤
I'm securely attached and my goodness, the situation that's just ended for me is just painful beyond belief. He chased me and "fell in love" with me so deeply and I with him. i did air my concerns about his patterns and shut downs etc but over time they got better and we developed REAL intimacy. We would tell eachother everything and were like best friends who were totally in love. Then, I had a couple of hard times in the summer... and out of the blue he said a relationship was freaking him out. I was gentle with him, wanting to talk and he said he didnt want to feel owned or responsible for another person and he wanted to know he could just go away for months at a time if he ever wanted to etc.... he didnt give us a chance to talk it through and he ended everything. This was after him persuuing me HARD for over 1,5 years..... I leaned on him for emotional support a few times and he did me, but something freaked him out. Ever since, he's been a little back and forth with wanting to hang out... bidding ofr my attention etc... but he's dopamine has been running low and he's now obsessing about a new girl. We broke through SOOOOO many barriers in the time we knew eachother that i genuinely thought our closeness was unmatched. The fact he has literally shut down, turned off and gone cold is honestly CRAZY to me. The pain is HARDDDDDDDDD!!!!!! Never experienced anything like it. It's the total close down that feels so hard to manage. No chats, no proper communication, just shutting me out....... usually im pretty good with break ups... but this.... is hard to manage.
💔has it got easier? how have you been dealing with the pain? My heart goes out to you. The person I dated did similar thing after 2 months, I can't imagine 1.5 years...
@ I detached and have been just happily living my life and he’s come right back but now it’s on my terms. We have both done some healing…. Let’s see…
Do DA’s often breakup saying they’re the problem? My DA ex of 1 month said that something is wrong with him if his perfect woman is in front of him, but he can’t connect anymore. He blamed himself for rushing our relationship…saying I need to find a better man. 😔
We started off very loving, very mutually into each other… After 4 months he pulled away, siting stress from work and other things.
His behavior feels a little on the side of wanting to start over… confusing
Don’t go back. Trust me.
Did your ex reached out? Mine broke up with me for the same reasons
common thing they say is some other person is better for you than them - so they're telling you to lower your expectations and that you deserve so much more - a reminder it's best to respect yourself because you deserve better than that! No one deserves anyone who wants back in with, poor me, you deserve better but take me and take less than you deserve - hell no
Well when nobody wanted you as a child so you built your whole life around people that dont want you, who you gonna go to? You get stuck. Live under a cloud. Life is not bad but not great, ever. You get sick of asking for the same thing. You feel misunderstood and unheard.
My ex doesn't regret it. He was pretty pissed when he left. He was angry that i mentioned my degree in a conversation once. He has a more prestigious degree that he has hanging on his wall.
He couldn't find any flaws. So instead he said we were incompatible and listed everything we agreed on together as partners.
No matter how kind and understanding i was afterwards, he completely ignored me.
So maybe he isn't an avoidant because he acts like he made the right decision unnecessarily hurting me all because i agreed with him.
It will emerge in the next few decades that avoidants suffer from a particular Dissociative Identity Disorder. They take on an incongruous alter-personality that defies reality. Even when you agree with them it pisses them off because then it makes it harder for them to find a self convincing narrative to justify how they protect their vulnerability.
The alter steps in to protect them from "getting hurt".
I’m sooo glad now that my ex DA broke up with me. I’ve done a ton of work thru PDS school… feel so great about myself again. My DA was starting to be critical, spiteful, demeaning etc… so was glad when it ended (stung a bit but I had 4 months of PDS school under my belt) woo hoo… thank you Thais (ps shadow work IS key)
I don’t want my ex back
Really interesting. Are there FAs who go through a similar long-term grieving process after a break up that they suppress and hide from others in their lives? As an FA who can lean a bit more DA at times, I feel like that describes me to a T.
Absolutely. I'm.more.of an FA and the video did describe me pretty well
Great video Thais!!! Thank you again and, AS ALWAYS, for the sharing of your knowledge to us!
My da makes contact then retreats for 2 days to a week this has been ongoing for months 😣 I miss him and just want consistency.
He is keeping you hooked like a drug dealer. It's intermittent reinforcement and very toxic to the human psyche...
Lovw your videos, but the blinks in the first 30 seconds 😅
After watching the entire video I spoke to soon 😊
2 years in, breaks up with me no problem in the relationship but decides he wants to be alone when we would do regular temp checks about our future
Dated a DA for 5 years. Break ups initiated on and off by them. They check all boxes as far as deactivating strategies goes. I have tried to be really patient and understanding and have compassion towards them & tried to have those conversations about our needs & how we can work together, they would clam up, get quiet, need space, or break things off.
My DA however is very very close to family. Can this be? She goes to her mom for almost everything. After every blindsided breakup or difficult conversation, she would pack up to go to her mom.
I've dated 2 DAs over the course of my life and they were both very close to their family. Ironic because it was probably their family members, growing up, that made them DA.
EDIT:
They probably think the kind of "love" they get from their family is real love and the kind of love you can offer them (a more healthy one) scares them?
@@roselandpetals interesting! Yeah she is very close to family.
Tough situation I’m in currently. So many breakups she’s initiated almost makes it seem that this is it considering her statements of things shouldn’t be this hard, I finally love myself & who I am, my focus is on me and my career, I’m not ready etc etc.
5 years. I’ve been trying.
@@SR0490 Have you introduced her to Attachment Theory? Does she know she is DA? Unless she is willing to change HERSELF and quit looking or "blaming" you or the relationship, I'm afraid she won't change.
@@roselandpetals I have not, but I do believe she is aware. She’s written me a letter before describing that she’s aware and she’s sorry for it. This was her first attempt at a breakup but we tried to push through, back then I was completely unaware & definitely not self aware.
It seems she is but wants to do the work alone considering we’ve been going through the cycles of it and it has been hurtful on both ends.
@@SR0490 It might be good to give her a little space then. It's not easy to move yourself from DA to Secure. At some point too, you have to decide if this constant push and pull with her is good for YOU. Is it really what you want? Only you can decide that.
My DA broke up with me all 7x while being together for 4 yrs. 😪 and to make thing even worse, he’s a narcissist 🤕. No more DA’s
A DA who isn't a narcissist would probably just break up once and that would be it. And I'm sorry for the DA part, but don't date narcissists, like, that's the thing you should be more concerned about. Condolences. Now leave me alone.
@@TheSilmarillion1 are you a DA? If so, not at all hating on DA’s! I have love for ALL DA’s. I just know that I plan to not be in a relationship with a DA moving forward 😊
@@mindypark3064 Good. I'm happy for you, that's a good choice.
@@TheSilmarillion1 thank you 🙏🏻 🥰 good luck on your journey as well. Hoping you can break out of that DA shell. You deserve to have all the happiness in this world!
@@mindypark3064 I don't know if I can, but I appreciate your concern.
have a beautiful day, awesome people :) sending love and support to all. xx
Broke up for no reason other than felt numb. Yeah right after the breakup he dove into comforts of alcohol, food, and drugs. And yes under 6 months of NC and he's in a new relationship quickly. He looks awful. Maybe she can help him. I no longer want him. He would rather find someone new than just apologize and fix things with someone who actually cared about him. I look at his picture now and think he's an awful person. Broke my heart out of nowhere just to do whatever he wanted and then try to replace me. Makes me sick to my stomach to think I believed him when he said he loved me. 🤢
I will be 10minutes late and i will told this relationship would be over😂😂 i was threatened with break up all the time and i started not feeling secure and one night i wanted the talk 😂😂 the emotional talk to feel safe and secure well he broke with me stating he cant meet my needs when he met makung me feel insecure. Been with him 5years, gone, no text just quiet. Im glad i get to understand its not me and that nothing is wrong with me ❤
Thank you 🙏
DA told me I was too old for her, and left me, even tho she didn't care at the beginning. I feel abandoned. We had a cool thing going, but the moment her core wounds of intimacy, feeling her independence going away, or whatever else felt triggered, she pulled away and went cold and found a reason to leave. I feel sad now.
Similar experience here. For my ex, she said she changed her mind about having kids and even getting remarried. Obviously we talked about those things early on. Fucking enraging.
Be sure that things won't get better for them because they never do. Take this opp to invest the time, $, and effort into building new and more meaningful relationships.
@@nicolaslockheimers It's just hard finding a single, attractive, securely attached girl that is also into u. Lot of them are already taken, or not interested in u, so ur constantly trying to meet new ones, but nothing meaningful comes out of it.
The trouble is, you give your heart to them, but you will not find out their "true" nature until the threat of love is involved. Then suddenly an issue out of the blue emerges to "justify" their self-protective behavior. And there you crumple with unbearable heartache.
I think they are all possessed.
I just love her!!
Told myself I’d make a short attempt to try and reach out and see if she wanted to repair… email Sunday to try and break the ice about what I learned last week here… no-contact protection order this morning!! My first and only DA, for sure. The identity crisis is so tragic. It’s all in His hands now.
DA never been lonely because they are good in monkey branching
I don’t really feel like anything you described is really the true definition of deep regret. Not good enough for me
I just learned to deal with a break-up
Great work Thias thank You. Can you do a DAs and rebounding breakdown please? Mine rebounded twice immediately after leaving. Its been a year he's single and got a new dog. Lol. We were dating 3 years but he was distant throughout. Would love to know where his heads at right now. How and why he would jump in with other girls like I meant nothing
A video on the mechanisms of rebound for DA would be interesting ! :)
I'm a DA and my ex gf messed me up, so I'm not rebounding, I'm recovering first. But, my opinion is that he likely knew he was going to leave long before he finally did, and even if he was physically faithful when you were together, if it was right in a row, he noticed both of those women before the breakup. And he probably feels like you made him break up with you, even though his issues are as much to blame. Idk, I would say most DAs don't get back into real relationships quickly, but rebound sx.. yeah he's distant from them for sure.
@@TheSilmarillion1 thanks for your insight as a DA yourself. Sorry do you mean he's distant from rebound sex?
@@TheSilmarillion1 did you ever go back to someone you broke up with? My DA ex blocked me after 3 years and said he doesn't go backwards and doesn't reach out to anybody 💔
He should have been blocked. No contact inmho
I'm worried about my DA. He was an absolute classic case but couldn't tell the truth and come to me for soothing when he needed it. I really hope he's gonna be ok. Truly a good guy. Doesn't deserve to end up lonely. ☹️
My Da ex after 8 months from the break up apologized and told me he regrets our break up and that he wants to get back together because now everything will be different but he doesn't want to go to therapy,I don't know if to give a second chance or not.
You have got the ball in your court. No therapy, no second chance.
Personally I wouldn’t, don’t let someone tell you they don’t want you twice . Pay attention to what they are doing (and not doing) rather than what they are saying.
@@fian1286 Good advice!
It is good to take things slowly so you can see how is he behaving. Try to reestablish a friend connection and then see if you want this person as a partner. Sometimes they are not going to therapy but are looking for other ways to be better. And you can build trust slowly without being that exposed as it was in your previous relationship. You’ll see if he makes the effort or not. Remember you have responsibility too in your connection😸.
Thank you for all the advices 💕
From your experience, does a DA still reach back out if they feel really guilty about the hurt caused by their decision and if you gave strong final goodbyes to each other at the time?
From my experience... They will possibly reach out, but I want to hear Thais advice
No
No they dont. They dont like feeling guilt at all. My ex DA always told me he doesnt like being guilt tripped at all into anything. Whether its past mwmories, present experiences or just being called out in general. They are not accountable nor do they choose to be. If you cant lay clear boundaries down after ending the relationship, its best to go no contact pr walk away from them forever or you will end up frustrated theyre not being accountable to you for your negative experiences with them. It takes a very strong DA to own up to their mistakes.
My Da ex now feels guilty, but it required months and my strong will to let him know exactly what hurted me several times,because they first react pushing away the guilty feelings.
@@asmallbitchybanana thanks for your thoughts. Appreciate you taking the time to do that. I agree that ownership of something seems very hard for them. Sorry was never a word I heard! I did at times get back door versions of it though. Couldn’t say it or really show it but I knew he was by whatever action he was doing he felt it - although prob pushed down to himself. A different dynamic of mind that’s for sure!
Please do one on FA
I dont think my DA will ever regret it, I wish her well though
The 2nd part sounds like my trauma bond addicted recent ex gf going bk to her dead beat abusive baby dad when I loved her above and beyond and step up when it came to her daughter but she goes bk to someone that hit on her use her spend all her money and left me broken....someone give me help please.My heart broken damnit
For all the other attachment styles watching this video, we can see & possibly have compassion for what the DA experiences, feeling like they can't be vulnerable during or after the break-up. What do you think?
That's the thing - they need to work on becoming vulnerable during a breakup so that the breakup doesn't take place. Their ego (defensive/protective) takes over and they cannot humble themselves enough to work through the tough arguments that lead to endings. They explode with anger and refuse to take responsibility for their part, which is why so many walk away. Then the DA blames them for walking away.
It is truly heartbreaking! I just can't imagine how hard it must be for them!
I have compassion from a distance meaning I won’t engage with a DA in a relationship or give them a second or third chance. Also won’t make excuses for them. As adults, we all need to own our choices in life despite our fears and history. That’s growth.
But yes, it is sad to see a life of relationships wasted and the experiences they will lack from pushing people away. Life has meaning with relationships.
I kind of view the aging DA much like the aging narcissist (Dr Ramani reference). They one day wake up in old age alone.
@@anon_ya Right. You can make your decision whether to engage with someone or not. I think it's good to see what's happening and then decide for yourself if you want to engage or not. And if you engage, understand that comes with it.
Good stuff! :)
I'm a very compassionate person, but how can you have compassion for someone who does not feel, but instead chooses to distract and numb themselves? They are not really suffering. They are avoiding pain at all costs, skimming through life. Maybe I can have compassion for the waste of life instead.
I know 3 d a' s who would never do the work.
I don't think they do either because they are inherently afraid of criticism.
Thais, do they ever regret when they left too soon because a vulnerability hangover?
They are not only the DA that leave,some just dont LIKE YOU. without being avoidants
Funny you mentioned it could be based on being 5 minutes late, or just missing a period in the sentence or something. I found my 2 ex DA's were late and not good at grammar.
What if they break up a long term relationship and start another relationship in less than a month?
Yeah he broke up with me over something that could of been solved we talked about it before and I didn’t care about him working 2 jobs and he just gave up because of if I cared I would of been left but all of a sudden now he leaves and blocks me on everything after asking him to call to talk about it I got blocked on everything I miss him and I was his crush from the job and finally dated and he was so invested
I'm guessing DA's tend to always be the one to break up.. I'm glad it wasn't flaw finding my last time, it was for the best due to living situation. She went on to finally get married, but regardless I "miss her", we spent almost half a decade together, but I miss her for pretty selfish reasons so I don't "count" it.
My DA friend would get others to break up with him - so more passive/aggressive. I'm thinking FAs are more likely to break up the way you're talking. Even getting married is difficult for a DA.
Ha, the bro that married her is going to learn the hard way. Be thankful it wasn't you and you got out.
I’m AP and I broke up w my DA partner hardest thing I have ever done come back to these videos to cope 🫡
@@aspegel5281 yes that too. They almost sabotage until you leave
what if it's an early-stage relationship? 2 months
What if the avoidant and I knew each other casually before dating and only dated 3 months, but those were the most intense months? That I was the second person she ever dated and the first she had real feelings for? When she broke up with me, she said she wanted to be with me but was scared of being hurt
Yeah what he just said. No point in caring what they think. Get something better. People are using mental illness as an excuse to be idiots.
A FA can be DA in certain things?
Like they want conexion but when they break up the act like DA
What other things FA do like DA?
What if they immediately go back to their ex a few days after breaking up with me? Will they every feel the loss and regret breaking up with me when we lived together for almost 2 years & he said he was going to propose in Dec? He was only with his ex for 8 months and they never loved together and she initially broke up with him.
So if the relationship (committed) was 8 months it doesn’t really matter to them unless it was more than 2 years?
Do FA like their ex reach out to start again the relationship?
I have this doubt because coaches says that the one who broke up has to be the one who reach out. But if they are FA they are afraid to rejection and to reach out, so what could we do?
The POS DA i was with wouldn't even have the decent to tell me why he'd break up with me..Id get a text saying I don't have a love connection with you. Then he'd keep silent for a few weeks..I suspected he dated others in this time. Then he'd come back with all sorts of sweet talk. And the cycle would start all over again. He is blocked for good.
These people with this attachment style need to go to psychologic help and learn to grow out of it.
Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions and learn to not be so judgemental of others.
We need to have an island where we send them all so they can be avoidant from everyone else.
So the only chance they'll regret it is if the relationship was 2+ years?
That was my interpretation too and I can't say I agree to this. My ex DA came back to me full of regret after two months and we only dated for a month before.
What if they cheated and after the breakup went with them? Is their experience very different from what’s explained in the video?
Good question
I need help to interpret. Was w a loving DA for almost 2 years WAs blindsided at 13 months where they seemed devastated of this ‘problem’, which I think was avoidance. Never stopped talking and 3 weeks later we saw each other again. Seemed very happy, loving always wanted to be w me like usual. WEll, blindsdied again about 8 months later. Coldly, wanted no contact and gave reason that I never gave space in first brakup (news to me) and also they just can’t be in a relationship bc they really can’t. I never heard again for 8 months. Contacted me to ask me something and even seemed to want me to ask something. I could not talk, so I said I will later. Well, the next day I saw him and he just looked at me, and did not acknowledge me. I was so shocked. Even more ironic that next day found out we have an activity together weekly. He is fine there, cordial. Image looks perfect no one knows. . I wrote a text about 10 days later, stating that he texted, we talked, and it seems awkward to ignore each other like we don’t know each other , did they want to get coffee so it’s not that way. He wrote that he doesn’t really want to do that. Ok fine. So now, I see him out on the street-total ignore, just stare (not mean) but will not say hello, just walks by me. At the activity ,will interact as needed. I mean it has now been 9+ months. IS there a reason for being completely ignored (I was just thinking cordial hello in passing is normal). Why is this??? Is this degree of avoidance normal? We did have a realy nice relationship and friendship prior. But his behavior at blindside and now this IGNORING really hurts more.
You say 'ignoring' but you could also just call it 'dismissing and avoiding' which may help explain why he's doing what he is doing. You were dismissed and are now being avoided and of course that hurts. If this guy was emotionally competent enough to deal with a conversation that would clear the air (which you offered), he wouldn't be a DA. The mere thought of the emotions that could resurface during this meet-up are reason enough to avoid it. It has got nothing to do with you and everything with his own fears which he perfected rationalising.
@3:45
What a bleak, barren landscape.
My DA walked out after 3.5 years of marriage. She was a horrible lover and just used me.
What if a partner can meet most if all of the needs of the DA and the DA truly loves the partner but the Da still pull-back (or take a break or even break-up) because of their fears of intimacy, vulnerability, losing independence etc? How do you manage this?
Good question.
@@nataliegreenham
This is my situation with the DA. He says our relationship is verging on perfect but still pulls back / takes breaks regularly almost to the point that I think he will break-up with me because I perceive his feelings are too strong!! 😧
You dont manage it. I would say, realize when youve actually had enough and its no longer healthy for your own peace of mind. You can only do so much for someone, and be understanding to a certain extent, Da or not. I would know when my limit is, and operate on that. There is a limit to everything honestly. You have to think of yourself too.
Thias. My DA initial the break up. We had a bad break up. Does that make a difference or most of the time they reach out after 3 months? Do you have a percentage of how often reach out after a bad break up. Many thanks
If it’s in the long term side of things and they do feel sadness or regret, how likely are they to reach out to the ex to try to tell them they made a mistake?
In my experience they will reach out, but rarely with a grand gesture or apology etc. DAs are scared to put too much of themselves out there at once, so you may get some texts or breadcrumbs as they test the water to see how receptive you are to coming back into contact. I’ve heard Thais say that many DAs will come back and friendzone, because that gives them what they want (proximity and needs being met) without the fear (expectations).
@@anon_ya could this happen after long periods of time of no contact or recent break ups?
@@adoptioncorner1984 could be either, but I would say this is a trivial piece of information (when they reach out). It’s not healthy or secure behavior to leave people and keep coming back to haunt them…
@@anon_ya it's just hard because it was 3 years and I feel like I meant nothing now
@@adoptioncorner1984 I’m so sorry 😔. To go from a committed relationship to not having that person in your life is understandably painful, and it’s only natural for you to doubt the significance of the whole experience when it ended. You DID mean something to that person otherwise you wouldn’t have spent 3 yrs together. You did have a real connection and love. It was real. I don’t know the circumstances behind the separation, but I encourage you to honor what it was and what it meant for you, be grateful for the experience. Try not to project meanings that are untrue and unnecessary and hurt you (for example: when you said you doubt you meant anything to them). Sometimes people can love us and our love can be real, but they can also leave us at the same time for a lot of reasons outside of our control. Sometimes our parents really love us, but they also disappoint us in the areas they are not well-equipped (as an example). I understand your pain, and I hope you begin to look inward at yourself, love yourself, find something exciting and joyful that you want to live for. I believe love will find us again and life can become so much more exciting when we are willing to surrender these old stories. Thank the past, be sad, cherish the memories, take the lessons, and move forward one baby step at a time. I wish you peace and encouragement. ❤️
Its been 6 months of no contact…i’ve been cut out of my ex’s life right after the breakup…how do I make contact again without upsetting him? How do I mediate starting conversation and expressing my feelings?
I want to know, too. It's been 7 wks . Not a peep. I miss him terribly but have been watching breakup coach vids that all say go into complete no contact. I did this immediately as he broke up with me. It was my fault though. It was all a misunderstanding by text and I spoke to a mutual friend out of desperation whom he had not told we were "involved". This was a security violation, I guess. I know he misses me b/c he was watching me on a group Signal we had w/other ppl. After 2 wks, he seemed to have dropped Signal.
Never
I dont see the woman I dated for months that I just broke up with regretting anything 😂 she's cold, even if she felt that way, she would take it to the grave.
Is it possible FA last more than 6 months after they broke up with they anxious partner? Is there still a chance to get them back? It has been a 4.5 years relationship and has been 3 breaks up.
The anxious hasn’t reach out but they work on the same job so they don’t see each other but text each other through text messenger for work things
How much time passed in between the previous breakups?
FA people don't break up easily.
Look for the reason why this person broke up with you. FAs have been seriously hurt as children. Make sure you never abandon them.
@@aspegel5281 2 and 3 months
Everyday is an ex. 😂