Marrying Your Opposite: Do We Even Want the Same Things?Part 2 |
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2024
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Marrying Your Opposite: Do We Even Want the Same Things? Part 2 | #marriageproblems #thestruggleisreal //
Can you marry your opposite and make it work? What if you don't know if you even want the same things? Watch this video to learn marriage tips as we give you a peak into our real lives and show you how we are making it work.
Next, watch 🎥 Marrying Your Opposite: We’re Too Different! #MarriedtoaTherapist
• Marrying Your Opposite...
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00:00 Intro
02:43 What are the emotions of the personality types
11:42 Do we want the same things?
#marriageproblems #thestruggleisreal #relationships #toxicrelationships #mendedlight #jonathandecker
• Marrying Your Opposite...
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Their marrige survived primarily because they wanted to be together despite everything, even when that means they need to change and grow for that.
Genuinely surprised at the negative comments about Alicia here. Both have made it clear that they discussed dreams and goals and expectations, and came up with their Life Plan TOGETHER, and Jono was the one not following through. Both made sacrifices and accommodations for the other. I am a Healer-Thinker, so don’t think I’m sympathizing just because I’m a fellow Closer. I ABSOLUTELY understand wanting to be comfortable, not super driven, and finding growth and change painful! But you can’t have a good relationship without trust, and you don’t have trust when someone consistently doesn’t follow through on what they said they would do.
another healer-thinker here. happy to see your comment. many comments are either being negative about alicia or about jono, and I suppose that is to be expected when you share your personal experiences and your flaws on the internet (something that requires a lot of courage), but I still wish people were more empathetic for both sides and try to see where they were coming from. especially since the intention of this series is to be more empathetic towards those who are different from us, function differently and feel differently.
This series is hard for me to watch on two levels. First, because Im very much a dreamer/healer like Jono and relate to everything he is saying- and my partner is a closer/thinker and is very much like Alicia. We have had similar problems of me saying i will do things and not being able to follow through for various reasons (some of them mental or physical health related) and my partner is always a "Doer" and feels he does more than his share around the house, etc. This is making me look hard at myself and how i can work to improve and make changes for our relationship
On the other hand- this series is hard for me because I feel that Jono is being cast as such a "douchebag" in his own language- his flaws are awful and he is the "bad guy" when Alicia has few faults and does not seem to take much accountability of how her actions may also negatively affect Jono. There truly is an imbalance in this relationship. I see Jono making amends and accommodations but I dont see this fron Alicia and this does not seem healthy.
I agree🌞. I feel like Jono puts himself down and puts Alicia on a pedestal. I can relate because I did that as well in my past relationships but it's not so healthy. It's imbalanced.✌️
I completely agree.
I see what people are saying and I had similar thoughts and feelings, BUT, I ultimately don't see it quite that way.
I think this story is a great example of "when life isn't perfect, (and it totally, absolutely, is NOT and never is), what the heck do you do then?"
I think Alicia has gained a lot of self awareness and it's not just some kind of one sided, dominant submissive type of relationship at all.
I've been in one sided dysfunctional, mean spirited, one - person - is - superior - to - the - other type relationships and this isn't one of them. Not by a long shot.
I think they're doing a great job of being open and honest (and were benefitting from the case study type lessons) about the pros and cons of their basic tendencies and personalities and of their relationship and what that's meant in terms of struggles and growth for each of them and I think they're doing a great job of being on the same page and doing the necessary ongoing self growth and awareness from both of them.
I think they've BOTH had to grow a lot in ways they otherwise wouldn't have and I think they BOTH now appreciate that as a net positive.
That's something you rarely hear from any one person much less a couple. Much less a couple who's gone through rough stuff and come out the other side stronger and better.
I think Alicia's done a great job of understanding when her strengths are a good thing and when they're not.
I see two opposites doing a really good job of creating the relationship and life they want (not just what Alicia wants) and making their relationship work - both despite their differences as well as leveraging their differences and developing their weaknesses (what, in the context of their, yes, SHARED goals they perceive as their weaknesses).
I see real love, MUTUAL kindness and respect, self awareness, and growth and cooperation here. And mutual shared goals now - not just Alicia's. So on balance, I'm a big Jalicia / Alono fan and am cheering for them.
And remember, that without Alicia, there wouldn't be a Mended Light clinic, channel, online business, or even maybe not a Cinema Therapy! And I think Jono AND all of the people benefitting from those things would agree we prefer a world and life WITH those things.
The creation of Mended Light required Jono AND Alicia, otherwise, like Jono said, he might've been just doing his thing as a therapist 9-5. Which is fine too but I think he ALSO likes where things ended up, eventually.
I think their story makes a lot of sense - and is inspiring - as a couple that had a "natural" entrepreneur in Alicia who had to develop her undeveloped inner nurturer and a natural nurturer who had to develop his undeveloped inner entrepreneur.
I think, NOW, they like where those decisions and goals brought them and the ways they both developed because of that.
Though (very) hard for them both, I don't think they dislike where their marriage, lives, family and business have eventually ended up.
Any entrepreneurs, much less entrepreneurial couples, will tell you the path to a successful business, marriage, much less business AND marriage AND family was a hard one but worth it.
Even the amazing uber couple, Leila & Alex Hormozi - a rare example of a really compatible business and marriage partnership from day one - will have a tale to tell of lots of struggle.
Among the many things unusual for the Hormozis is that they were both highly competent and compatible as both business partners and romantic / life partners from the start so they've had the fewest bumps in the road of a joint marriage and business partnership type relationship as far as their relationship goes.
Unlike the Deckers, not only did the Hormozi's have the rare combination of NOT being opposites while at the same time, being highly complementary in strengths and weaknesses. But also having the ability to take over and do well the other person's roles too.
That Alicia and Jono have succeeded in business, marriage and family is just a rare but great example of opposites taking on and succeeding in those areas and what it meant for them - and any couple like them - or any opposites - to do that. Very inspiring and instructional.
It's hard to watch this. He spends the whole time taking blame for everything while while she humble brags about how hard she works and how mature she is. I hope subsequent episodes are more balanced.
This is really hard to watch
It's not surprising that a lot of natural healers and dreamers - and offended / triggered ones!) 😂 - are watching and commenting on these videos versus the natural closers.
Fortunately I'm a healer and a thinker so I have this view to share:
The lesson of these videos is that there's no necessarily "good" or "bad" or "better than," it's about understanding ourselves and each other as well and deeply and accurately and consciously as possible and so we can all work and live together and achieve our needs and wants the best we can - AND as teams.
As Chris Rock says in "Tambourine" - " in a marriage sometimes you're the lead singer, but a lot of times - you're on tambourine - and when you are, you better play the heck out of that tambourine!"
- And that we NEED each other because:
"With two people, you can move a couch real easy. But with only one person, that couch ain't goin NOWHERE!"
I empathize a lot with many of the things Alicia expresses (always wanting to pick up the blocks that others drop, feeling loved through respect and follow through, being focused on and feeling satisfaction in accomplishment), but I agree with some of the other comments about how this series feels a little one-sided. I feel like these videos have focused a lot on how Jono has adapted to meet Alicia's needs in those things. From the perspective of someone who feels some of those more closer-type feelings, I would really like to hear a little more about how Alicia has worked to meet Jono's needs. What does that look like? How do you meet the needs of the opposite personality types without it becoming something that you resent? My closer personality traits definitely clash with my husband's dreamer personality traits in certain things, but I don't want him to feel like I'm always asking him to bend his will to mine. I'm confident that Alicia was doing things to help meet Jono's needs all along the way, because I don't think he would have been as willing as he was to make the changes that he's talked about if she wasn't doing any work on her end...I'd just like to hear a little more about that in the videos.
Totally agree. Think that would be helpful too. I think it would be great to see how she compromised, and give him what he needs emotionally, and how she allows him to be himself and be heard still.
^
I think these are stuff that would give the Deckers some insight 🤔
I also think it's the nature of this particular video, bcz I find that Alicia knows what she wants and it's how she is and like Jono took a minute to find what he wanted
Essentially I'm saying it's "video-centric"
Cz in other like videos w Alicia you get to hear more of what behaviours she had that were unsupportive and how she grew from that
I agree though that the topics covered in these particular series weigh heavier towards the "how a healer/dreamer" can grow
My thinker side is definitely itching more for marriage advice 😂
I agree!!
i think it is important to remember this video specifically is focusing on one side of the relationship, and the coming videos will focus on the other sides. we shouldn't make assumptions about their relationship, in the most recent video, we get to see how alicia has worked to meet jono's needs too. :)
I told my dad just this past week that a big part of why I was so excited about my relationship with my wife when we first met was specifically because we were almost perfect opposites. I saw it as an incredible adventure full of opportunities for learning and growth together, and it was such a natural thought to me that I assumed there's no way she could be interested in me without feeling the same way. I've only just recently started to realize that she absolutely is NOT excited about any of those things. She is very fond of her comfort zone, and her comfort zone acts as a finger trap - the more I try to pull her out of it, the more impossible it is to convince her to try out my favorite movie with me or eat a food I love. It's definitely a "small thing that has become a big thing for me," I never realized just how much it would hurt to simply not be able to share myself with my life partner. I love getting to try and learn and experience new things with her, but after a while it became something I resented because it wasn't reciprocated. Honestly this all only occurred to me last weekend, so I'm still kind of reeling at the self-realization, but my current goal is to figure out how the hell to effectively communicate this to her and navigate this conflict of interests.
Interesting comment. Hope you are processing well. Just wanted to say that you give validity though to the notion that opposites can be great for balancing and rounding out couples if they are open to it. It's great that you want to learn how to communicate this to your wife. I think this channel can help a lot of us.
I can relate to this in a way. My husband and I are opposites. He is a home body and can stay glued to his computer all day, and while I enjoy staying home, I thought my spontaneous side and love for outdoor exploration was a draw for him. I was wrong. This really hit home during the pandemic when I couldn't go anywhere and my mental health took a dive but he was perfectly content. We learned that the one thing that will get him excited about going out is food. He loves trying new places to eat, especially if they are new dishes or flavors. That was our compromise. He finds a new restaurant he wants to try and, if possible, we make a day or evening of it and explore the area. This fills both of our needs and we learn more about each other through these experiences.
I hope you and your wife can find an intersection of your needs as well.
@@trinitybottiger6174 that's a really great compromise! Hopefully we'll be able to find some good ways to make sure we're both happy and healthy and feel appreciated. It's crazy though how easy it seems to be to THINK that you're totally on the same page when the reality is anything but. Goes to show just how important it is to communicate more than you would naturally think you need to. And thank you :)
Hope you’ve had a good talk or are working towards one with your partner. Your comment reminded me of a previous relationship when I was in your wife’s shoes.
It may be hard, but try to go in as compassionately as you can. When my previous partner came to me about this topic, it felt like he had kept a running tally of all the times I’ve “shot him down” or wasn’t enthusiastic about something. For me, it felt like the conversation came out of left field, but in hindsight I see I could have been more open to new experiences. If I’d known how important those experiences were to him at the time, I would have made the effort.
communication is key!
@@rowansaro2458 yep, that's exactly what I'm working on. I've found it's easy for me to assume that other people see what I see, know what I know, or feel what I feel. The reality though seems to usually be that we have to communicate way more than we think is necessary or even helpful.
Ooof, you can't judge a person based on youtube videos, but with these videos I have a really hard time being on Alicia's side. It really comes across as: "Jono did everything wrong and should change entirely while I am perfect". She doesn't take the same accountability about her own wrongdoings and puts Jono down as the bad guy.
I really like this series and vulnerability. I want to echo the comments where it was painted that Jono was at fault. Not to say that he shouldn’t be pushed out of his comfort zone, but I feel like Alicia should also talk about stepping out of hers more as well. I think I heard it was hard to realize that she was enabling Jono since she was such a doer, but I also wish maybe she embraced Jono’s dreamer side. She sees the business potential. I want to see how she saw the relationship potential as well. Hopefully it will be explored in the delicate flower part.
how was that enabling?
THAT INTRO😂😂 No but honestly I've been waiting for part two ever since the day you posted part 1. The cliffhanger was so strong that I literally CALLED MY BOYFRIEND INTO THE ROOM and i said BABE THEY REALLY DID ME LIKE THIS😭😭😭 Hahaha
I was waiting intensely. Well worth the wait
I’m so glad you guys have worked through things. Thank you for these videos. We’ve been married twelve years next month and were together two years before that, friends before that. So much has changed. We have changed. It’s a roller coaster, but man I love him.
As a do-er myself I think it’s important to acknowledge that “being perfect” as Alicia puts it is actually the weakness/flaw. In an equal partnership, you can bulldoze your partner, make them feel not good enough, and feel as though you are just better than your partner.
My partner humbled me real quick when I tried to bulldoze him in arguments. I realized that I could “win” an argument or be right but if it would hurt my partner and break down our communication it was actually an inability to communicate compassionately on my part, just as much as he had a part of it.
I’m sad they are divorcing 😞 and I wonder if these very topics they discuss in this episode are what lead to their decision to separate.
Same thoughts... I feel sad about it... A bit.
One of the hard things for me - that I am working with my therapist on - is the ASD/ADHD dopamine chasing side of me gets in the way of my goals. I know what I want, I have the plans, the details... then I get depressed, I chase dopamine, and I derail myself. I self sabotage which creates an even deeper depression.
My fiancé is logical and a healer, I'm a dreamer and healer. Even though we have that similarity, we've had our issues when I dream instead of act. Relationships are hard, even when you find someone similar
I love the idea of these videos but they feel horribly unbalanced in favor of alicias personality type.that makes me feel icky
Marriage is supposed to be about finding a happy middle ground, taking in consideration both personalities and putting the relationship first, working together for shared dreams. Not about dragging someone to be as ambitious as we are or waiting for them to change to be more similar to us to be happy... This feels very black and white, one partner having to change completely in order to satisfy the ambition of the other, satisfying the dreams of the other but not of their own. I love this channel but this narrative is surprising, and I feel like it's very "Jono was wrong and needed to change" when we could easily say the same about Alicia. Me and my husband watch this together and agree that the ambition imbalance is palpable and they were put as more important than the relationship itself. Again, middle ground. You can't expect to make someone commit to your dreams and change themselves and expect them to work harder than you, you are a "pusher" when you want this without considering the other's weakness and trying to overcompensate for that (not their fault but your own). IMHO 💕
I think is difficult to see that Alicia is saying "I was wrong, to me and my marriage too", because her difficulty lies with issues that were practical. Her problems were very usefull to her day to day life, and for that seeing that can be bad to the relationship and herself is difficult.
The problems that Jono has are seeing as bad very easily and, for that, the imbalance seems very evident... And because Jono is more open with his emotions and thinking process about it. To me, is evident, and I think is a more difficulty to a closer and thinker, that to a Alicia, that openess still is a work in progress.
And, like all couples, they have to have issues that still are private for them.
Sorry if I`m being judgemental in a way... And for my english. I`m a spanish speaker.
Have a good day!
I got a very similar vibe. My wife and I have very similar personality types to these two and have gone through a lot of the same struggles and while I highly appreciate the candor from this beautiful couple, this has been painful to listen to. But I think this reflects more than just a few select relationship. Correlating the personality styles mentioned here to Carl Jung's cognitive functions, the vast majority of the American people are more likely to be 'thinkers' and 'doers' while 'dreamers' and 'feelers' make up a smaller percentage. So there is an unspoken cultural expectation that when there is a perceived conflict between the two that the feelers/dreamers just need to conform. That's not to say that we all shouldn't be working to improve the things we struggle with. But nobody should be expected to sacrifice the essence of who they are just because the culture has deemed something else to be more valuable. These personality dynamics likely would have played out very differently against a different cultural backdrop.
I didn't not know if there's necessarily a "supposed to" or "should" rule for marriages. They're kind of unique and it's up to the couple to figure things out for themselves. What's too compromising for some people is a challenge others want to try to meet.
And I don't know how Jono & Alicia's . marriage fits into this but the only real hard and fast rule for marriage that I've heard people successful at it have says is that:
- each person needs to have their individual life, work, and personal goals, wants and needs, know why they want them, and know how they'll achieve them.
- those goals, wants and needs have to be understood by the other partner and supported by them and not in conflict with or competition with the other person's goals.
- the couple has to have shared goals for the relationship that they're equally committed to. And the people's individual goals have to support and contribute to those shared relationship goals versus undermine, conflict, and compete.
@@mariaana6710 I agree with you. Because closers are less emotional and not as used to being vulnerable, I'm sure it is hard for Alicia. It is hard for closer/thinkers to admit faults, especially ones that have to do with emotions because it is almost an entirely different language and frame of thinking for them.
@@ptyleranodon3081 I am glad many people here have picked up on how American culture plays into how these two personality types are seen and accepted. I felt this way too, but wasn't sure if it was just me. (That's the great thing about people sharing thoughts in the comments :).) When a culture upholds and values accomplishment (monetary success as evidenced by owning a business and the ability to make the world your oyster), it can make someone who values comfort, nurturing, and stability feel judged, when in reality, any way you want to live your life should be acceptable, as long as you are happy with it. It's all subjective.
This series is also hard to watch because of how much I relate to you Johnathan.. My boyfriend has his own business, he's constantly busy, he's very vocal about his wants and needs and I'm doing my absolute best with what I have but my personal goals are so contrasting to his. So naturally, the steps that I take towards those goals are going to look very different in comparison to the steps he's taking. And because of this, I tend to feel bad about myself because I've been lead to believe that he's making more progress than I am. That he's taking more action than I am. But his work involves constantly moving around which makes it seem like he's working harder because the work that I do is spent online. I've been helping others, I've been creating my business, I've been making youtube videos, recording, editing, uploading those videos, I've been releasing music which I write, record, edit and distribute, I've been designing websites, advertising, building connections with clients, studying techniques that are going to help me grow my business, the list goes on and on. I'm doing everything I can to live a healthy, successful and productive life and I hate that I'm seen as lazy because of the work that I do. I'm not and Johnathan neither are you. I know that you already know this but please don't forget it. And continue to share your message because there are so many people out there, myself included who have been touched by your experience marrying your opposite. Thank you.
Yeah, I have separated from my wife, although we are slowly working on it, and in this series, he always says at least one thing that makes me go "that explains a lot" about my own my life.
@@slashandbones13 Absolutely agree. I just feel like Johnathan spends a lot of time praising Alicia for her hard work and it's hardly ever reciprocated... She tends to just agree with him and talk about how irritated she was with him. But he tells us how he appreciated all of her effort and how he wouldn't be who he is without her etc. And I don't think she gives him enough credit for all of his work... it makes me sad
@MorgueInTheVoid I do see where you are coming from. Maybe it's because my situation is very similar but the way she talks about feeling the need to pick up everyone's bricks and getting burned out, I see why they are approaching it the way they are.
I don't think Jono is talking the type of situation you are.
Jono believes and admits he wasn't doing as much as he could've or should've been based on the total work their SHARED business took.
Your situation sounds different. It sounds like your projecting your feelings and struggles onto Jonos situation when I don't think they're the same.
1) Jono and Alicia shared and still share a business and share the same goals. What they were dealing with was the disparity in the workload as well as the personal growth they each needed to umdego in their new roles as entrepreneur / business person (Jono) and stay at home parent and home schooler (Alicia). Both of them had (eventually) shared individual and joint goals of the business, marriage and family.
Your situation is that you're in a relationship where it sounds like you have separate businesses or work and separate individual goals because of that. Separate and different individual goals can work in a relationship as long as both people know and are supportive of what those are and those goals support and don't conflict with the SHARED goals of the relationship.
From your comment, it doesn't sound like you have any of those things in place - an understanding, appreciation, respect, and mutual support for each person's individual goals, as well as shared relationship goals and a clear understanding of what that means and what that will take.
Its also not clear from your comment how the division of living expenses is done and who's responsible for what and why. And who determines the expenses, standard of living, if you even live together, etc. What if anything is a shared decision there and based on what.
It does, however, sound like you're not feeling understood and respected. And / or that the two of you have had arguments or with his family or friends or your family or someone where the perception is that you're not pulling your weight.
But in what? What responsibilities have you agreed to that you aren't doing your part with?
It sounds like a lot of things need to be communicated and clarified.
Jono and Alicia both said in another video that breakups in any relationship and marriage are caused by one thing - unmet expectations. And no one can even meet expectations if they're not clearly defined and communicated and agreed to in the first place.
It sounds like the two of you have to sit down and have a conversation about all these things:
- what are you're individual goals?
- what are each of your goals and desires / wants and needs and expected from the relationship?
- can you each be supportive of your individual goals and if so what does that look like?
- do your individual goals support and not compete or conflict with your individual goals?
- do you have shared relationship goals?
If none of these things are clear, keep in mind that having a conversation to clarify them might result in breaking up because it might bring to light that you can't be supportive of each other's individual goals, and that you don't want the same things in life and a relationship.
But you definitely sound like you don't feel emotional supported or respected and those things are needed for any relationship to work.
If your boyfriend doesn't want to have this conversation or doesn't see the need for it, that might be a other indicator that things need to end. Relationships need to have clarity of this stuff and if he's not willing to even do or recognize that, then he's not going to be interested in doing the other work all relationships need.
One book that might help - a shortcut is the book reviews on RUclips - is the book Crucial Conversations.
But basically, you put all these things into your comment that it sounds like you and your boyfriend need to address.
So show him that comment and this one.
I can't tell from your comment if there really are disparities in the work being done in your relationship or even what's been clarified and agreed to and why.
It seems like those things need to be clarified.
@@tinaperez7393 I wasn't trying to say that my situation is the same as Johnathan and Alicia's, I was just providing some background of my relationship and sharing my experience dating my opposite. My boyfriend shows very similar character traits as Alicia and the way that Johnathan describes the struggles they've faced in the connection are absolutely struggles I can relate to. By that I mean, I felt similar emotions, I had similar reactions when my boyfriend did something I wasn't naturally familiar with, I empathize with his side of the story and that's why I felt the need to share my story as well in case anyone is going through something similar. This has been my experience as a dreamer/healer in a relationship with a thinker/closer.
It is SO helpful seeing another couple with a bizarrely identical marriage and personalities (only my wife is a Healer/Closer). Thanks for doing this!
The amount of unabashed vulnerability at 9:06 was fantastic. This is what I strive for in my own personal relationships, friendship or romantic. You guys are great.
They’re divorcing
@@loope9421 Indeed. What is your point? And why respond with this to the original comment? Is the vulnerability no longer admirable?
Thank you both so much for your vulnerability, especially Alicia. Watching these two parts, I really felt connections and pieces to both sides. I found it interesting though that I have largely identified as a dreamer healer. I am the sensitive one. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and yet I identified a lot with the feelings of constantly being the one dragging someone else along for the ride, and knowing what I want and where I want to be.
After years of feeling like I was alone in so many things, I finally said, "The only thing I have not done is leave". It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it has been the best thing for our marriage. It opened an entirely new way of communicating, for both of us. this past year has truly changed how we show up for one another.
I pray whatever journey this new path leads you on is the one that finds you both healthier and happier in whatever that looks like for the two of you.
I feel like the healer/dreamers are cast in a horribly I just light
Marrying Your Opposite has become my favorite tv-show.
Thank you both for being willing to show your vulnerability. Seeing you both tear up gave me a glimpse of how hard it was to learn these lessons and make it through. Your work helps so many people!
I appreciate the honesty from both of you. I know that marrying my opposite has made me a much healthier person after almost 9 years together. It can be painful to have your unhealthy habits/flaws brought to light, but that’s the way that I’ve grown the most.
This really hits and lands differently now,knowing that you're divorcing. Even though it seems to be amicable. I took a lot of comfort and encouragement from your videos in this series, because not only am I seemingly an unfortunate combo of Healer/Closer within my self, but my marriage has also been struggling for a while now, for almost the exact same reasons that you two spoke about in yours. My partner was ready to Go and Do, and I wasn't. I took hope and encouragement from you two as an example that it can be done, if you want it badly enough. And now...well.
I am in my early 30ies. I have friends who have been with their partners for almost 10 years, while I spent my 20ies falling from one bad relationship into the next. As soon as I had learned one lesson, the next was waiting for me. I spent that time healing my wounds, going to therapy and learning. My picture of what I want out of life and my relationship skills are so much better today than they were 10 years ago. So in a way I'm happy now, that I get to make the decision of who to spend my life with as the person I am now and not as the kid I was in my early twenties.
Thank you for your authenticity and transparency ❤
Like I said before, you`re very brave to do this. I feel that, for Alicia, is more dificult, so I`m very happy to see her letting her feel and even cry. Very good, both of you!
This seemed like a pick on Jono Video. I hope there will be a video that points at Alicia's flaws too. These videos seem to always paint her as the perfect parent/spouse/businesswoman, etc., and that her 2 divorces weren't her fault at all. But as a healer myself who is married to a closer...It's important to see how much a closer can hurt a healer. It's painful. And so closers who may be watching should get to see their flaws on display too. This series is so important and has a lot of great insight...it's just a little imbalanced. Jono validates Alicia and admits his flaws and recognizes her perspective. He sees how he's grown. I'd like to see Alicia do the same. I see Jono supporting Alicia's dream to travel and "picking up the duties" after he didn't do the tasks that would enable them to travel (when it was HER dream, not his). I think he came more than halfway because he stepped out of his comfort zone to help Alicia have her dream. I'd like to hear more about how a closer like Alicia can support a healer like Jono. We hear how fed up she was...but not how she validated him or how she's grown. All she says is she enabled...which is basically saying, "My flaw is that I allowed you to be flawed." Which is a cop-out. Jono mentions that he's changed and now loves travel..so the message is you'll be happy if you change your dream to match your spouse's dream?? That's troubling.
Thank you for your deep dive on this. My boyfriend is definitely a Closer and I am more of a Dreamer, and these videos helped me get a perspective on some of my and his behaviours that I think we couldn't properly grasp ourselves. Jonathan, I sympathize with you on so many levels 🤗
I’d first like to say, I absolutely love your channel and you both have helped me in innumerable ways since I’ve stumbled across your pages a few years ago. I’m not sure which personality type I am exactly but I feel like I’ve been on both ends of this spectrum, and it’s painful. Sometimes falling into a groove in a relationship can feel safe but ultimately cause problems in the relationship because we are constantly growing and changing ourselves. It takes constant learning, growing, and adjusting to make relationships work and rarely do we ever truly arrive at a certain destination or goal. At the risk of sounding extremely cheesy, it really is “the climb.” It’s about growing as individuals and together in a way that is expressive of your self love and love for one another. It’s an ebb and flow, and sometimes the most attractive quality in a partner is their willingness to continue to ebb and flow out of love. I think it’s beautiful that you continue to find your rhythm together. I’ve dated my opposite and my twin. Even in the most similar looking personality types, there are still ways they have to learn to ebb in flow in their own areas - trust. And they could be in areas that come naturally for opposite personalities such as acceptance of each others differences, or the lack of competition. You all are doing better than I’m sure you even know, by be so vulnerable and allowing us to learn from you. You are some of the most inspiring people I’ve had the chance to come across on this app and I’m praying for you and your family. Thank you so much for allowing us into your world. I believe in you both 💛
What a beautiful comment! That is what makes a good relationship: being committed to not just who your partner is, but who they will become as well.
I can relate a great deal with these videos with my current boyfriend and this series has been a HUGE help in perspective.
I am the overly hyperactive severe ADHD Dreamer/Healer and age doesn't put a dent in it's intensity(XD). My boyfriend is on an almost computer level with being a Thinker/closer. 100% can relate when the one you're with seems unhuman with how efficient, intelligent, and how they always seem to have their life together. The struggle to break past that glass and seeing them for who they actually are and how they know they're not perfect and struggle with their own things. Pretty much all that Alicia listed with how she is, my boyfriend also does that. We have reached parts where there was a break due to my actions and I did manage to work on myself and we got back together. Though ever since then there has still been a rift there which recently that's opened up some. For me and him it's a do or die situation and my boyfriend is tired and feels alone in the relationship with having to fix everything, that tear me apart internally but I know I haven't been better with my actions. Like Jono I couldn't face myself, what I'm scared of, and rather run for the hills than face all that. I've managed to grab my ankle and drag myself back and to really face all of that. At least reached the first step and worked to be truly honest with myself. That it's okay to admit how I feel even if I'm scared. That acceptance of myself has truly been a massive game changer for me internally. Then you start to realize even though you never meant to make excuses for all your actions, you look back and see you still did. That's also been another eye opener. Serious conversations have still been tricky, I've tried to stop myself from crying but I seem to cry instantly so I've learned to accept that but also let my bf know that even though I'm crying I'm still able to be reasonable during our talks. Another thing that's made communication easier and to feel safer when me and my bf have serious conversations, knowing that above all else my bf is a very reasonable person. He's also working on his own temper when I say or do something that annoys/irritates him he won't raise his voice and take what he's feeling out on me.
With all we've worked on of course the bigger elephant in the room is my ADHD. Even with seeing a professional, taking my medication, etc it's a constant battle and my bf gets caught in when they happen.
May I just say that Jono is adorable 😊
Thank you both for sharing your story, I think it is super important for people to see the real struggles. People don't usually show those to outsiders, and if you have no good role models in your family in regards to dealing with conflict, your videos are really valuable
Thank you guys for shining because we need your light!
I love this series.
And I am grateful for your dedication to be so open, as well as the example of real love that you are showing.
😅 this is 100% the argument my husband and I had last night. Thank you so much for covering this topic!
This is extremely helpful to me. Thank you thank you thank you for being so vulnerable and open. I’m going through a similar situation and this is helping me so SO much to continue to process things and understand myself, my relationship, and how we got here. Thank you, again.
I’m just so impressed with both of you keep talking ❤
You guys are breaking my heart - but in a good way. I feel ao much for both of you. It is so incredible that you are willing to share such a vulnerable situation.
…. my husband and I have been watching your videos every night and briefly discussing some of them because we see ourselves in your descriptions of yourselves. It is eye-opening and has helped out a lot.
This amount of honesty and openness they bring to the conversation is truly aspirational!
Thank you for this.
I was in the same situation as you too. I got also tired of pushing and pulling, but was also doubting myself because he is a good guy. So I was confused about why it was not working.
Your channel is helping me so much! Highschool sweethearts, married 33 years, 6 children, homestead, this information is helping so much!
I started a relationship (my very first) with someone who’s my opposite and we’ve recently gone through a lot of struggles. Watching this series has made me realize that I need to be kinder and more mindful of the fact that my partner is just human and he has done everything he can to be good to me and better himself for the relationship. Mainly, I felt some sorrow for Jono because it feels like he is the one being unfairly targeted, while Alicia is not really owning up to her own shortcomings. And I felt sorrow because when she saw you finally improve (which was for her happiness to begin with) her first reaction was anger and not pride and wanting to leave you. That made me very sad along with how no where in these videos do you guys describe positives or love for each other. More like sticking together because you have kids. It made me finalize my decision to give my best in this relationship and to stick by my baby’s side because I really love him and he loves me and we support and nurture each other’s growth, not demand it or threaten divorce or cave in to make the other happy. Marriage and relationships can’t thrive on love alone…but love is very necessary.
This has helped me see the way my husband see the world and helped him see my view if the world. The term please take this block is something I said after that talk to let Kim
Know I need help with something. The biggest take away for me was he was not doing what has doing on purpose and if could remember that it help with my anger and communicate with him in a better way to get results. I am the achiever thinking and could not get why he acted the way he did. Thank you for your honesty and helping myself and I am sure other get a better unofficial a dreamer.
I didn't think it has been so hard for you guys ! I often tend to idealise long term couples.
Never idealize ANYONE! Never put anyone up on a pedestal. Keep your eyes open and your critical thinking cap on. Listen, learn, and take notes. Everyone has struggles, most the time we just don't know what they are. Much less how well they handled them, if they handled them, etc.
What's amazing about these two is the types of struggles they've had and how they handled them and that they overcame and are still actively overcoming them - to the happiness and ultimately fulfillment of everyone's needs and wants. THAT'S what's amazing and laudable.
Long term couples just because they're long term doesn't necessarily mean anything. It doesn't mean anything that's automatically good or admirable anyway.
It might mean it's just convenient. It might be mainly financial. They might be in a rut. They might like that rut. Or it's just too hard to leave and start over. Or it might be totally unhealthy but that doesn't matter - a good happy and healthy relationship and what that means and takes, skills, growth and self improvement might be completely foreign to them.
A bad relationship might be comfortable because it's all they know and what they're used to. Or even just a mediocre one. And so on.
@@tinaperez7393 Thanks it really helps, sincerely!
It seems to me that Alicia was overwhelmed with homeschooling, helping running her husband's business and I suppose all of the housework etc. I just want to ask, how would a divorce solve any of this? As a single mom, she'd probably have to find a job to support herself so give up on homeschooling. With shared custody schedules are much less flexible. Unless she counted on Jono's alimony and love for her to make things easy-- essentially him remaining married to her, but not her married to him.
She didn't do all of the housework and she is CEO of Mended Light. She doesn't need to find a job, she's got them mornings and I've got them afternoons. Things are simpler.
I think I’m a dreamer and my husband is a closer. I’m feeling some kind of way about the anger from a closer. 😂
Going throu some of these comments I must say ... did we watch the same video?
How do people say alicia is portrayed as so perfect and Jono as the single source of the problem? WTF?
Clearly both take accountability here!
He sais one of the problems was, that he had done exactly that, he had out her on a pedastal and believed she was so perfect. Meaning he doesn't do it anymore.
And he has had this selfdoubt, so he felt so bad and undeserved of her l8ve, which also has changed.
And she NEVER has seen that in him.
And Alicia has tried too hard to shield him that she was at the verge of a coolapse because she is a chronoc overworker, and the mean that in the worsed sense. She can't regulate and balance her work-life ration so while trying to shield her husband she 1. Enabled him to keep his patterns of self doubt and 2. Overworked her self to the point of collapse.
No one sais this is all jonos fault, clearly she should have really sat down with him and talked thing through with him and hel9ed him help her before things got so baf, but be ause of her nature she just didn't see that, and neither did he....
A lot of this is sociological.
Women are conditioned to be responsible for everyone, but not use their power. This generally results in most women over functioning, codependency, and being victims of abusive relationships.
Men are conditioned to flex power but have no responsibility. This results in most men being immature, selfish, negligent, etc.
Until we pinpoint that aspect-the larger picture of systematic sexism, these issues won’t be resolved in the larger picture.
This is why gender roles need to go and we need to evaluate whether or not we would judge the same characteristics equally in both sexes. Being raised in gender roles plays a huge factor in trauma
So we've seen "Married to a Delicate Flower"....can we see "Married to a Brutal Bulldozer"? I'd like to see the flip side of these videos because they're awesome...just a little slanted to one side. They're more critical of Jono and not critical of Alicia.
Does anyone else get total “narcissistic” vibes from Alicia? It drives me insane that she constantly cuts Jono off; and you can literally see her squirming while he speaks, just itching to chime in with her, more perceptive, elucidative take on things. Cringe!! 😖
I think if you look at their relationship through this view, it makes sense why they initially wanted to be with each other. And why they have stayed despite the obvious (that they would ultimately be happier with a partner more like themselves).
Forgot the whole pseudoscientific Dreamer/Closer dynamic… she is utterly controlling and seeks out people she can control (and ‘rescue,’ and mould into greater heights etc); while having a literal “human project” to solve and save. But he has disappointed her, through no fault of his own.
Jono, who is so psychologically dwarfed by her success, doesn’t even know himself and (actually) needs to be told what to do, what to think, what to value… attaches himself to her because she offers a plan, a perspective, goals… he doesn’t have to think (or feel) at all.
Perhaps until now. I hope he ultimately finds himself, and finds a new relationship where there’s easy breathing room to… just be yourself.
Because all relationships honestly don’t need to be SO white-knuckled. There can be so much peace and pleasure in deciding to let go.
☺️🌈🍃
I don't know if mended light or cinema therapy has referenced this particular part of Bluey....but at 12:08 "you had said yes to things that didn't necessarily mean yes to...." reminds me of ruclips.net/video/KRUk4aR3MEU/видео.html&ab_channel=DisneyJunior&t=5m58s 5:59
Why does it often feel like this channel resorts to ‘Johno is bad/not enough, meanwhile Alicia is the best at everything and just does everything perfectly all the time’. As someone who has been around humans for decades, I strongly don’t believe that to be reality in this relationship. Sure she’s more driven and whatever, but I refuse to accept that opening line about him being bad. Idk, I think it’s meant to be playful on his side but it really does portray her as perfect and him as completely not, so she just lets him tag along or something
Both of their negative traits are also positive traits. At the start of the video she mentions her picking up all the bricks, and acknowledges that she was enabling.. She's not acting like she's perfect. Her weakness is literally is that she tries to be superwoman when she couldn't actually handle everything(no one can). She tries too hard to take control.
“Chronic over functioning” is socially acceptable to the point of glorification. Whereas “not pulling your own weight” is demonized. Like anorexia and obesity, both are unhealthy and destructive, but… you can never be too rich or too thin ;)
@@keepingthepeaks1020 so true. But they're clearly aware that neither is okay. I don't think it's their intention to make him seem like the one who's at fault.
They both have negative traits that have been discussed on the channel. The beginning bit of this video is obviously joking/sarcastic/playful and not meant to be taken seriously. I think the tone you are noticing (the Johno isn't good enough/Alicia is perfect) is more indicative of their different levels of self-confidence and self-worth. Johno (based on what I have observed) is more insecure and unsure of himself while Alicia is more sure of herself and more confident. It could be also that one of the biggest problems they have had in their marriage is largely the fault of communication issues that at least partly resulted from Johno not understanding Alicia (with Alicia's tendency to try to handle everything making things worse) with neither of them being able to honestly articulate what they need/want in a way the other understood until Alicia brought up the idea of them getting a divorce.
@@lilyofthevalley3059 I see your point, but I think it's a little unloving of a spouse to have high ambitions, see their spouse struggling to meet them for them, and still keep pushing them. Even if someone agrees verbally, if you sense hesitancy or fear on their part, you have to compromise and adjust. A balanced person, even a confident closer, will want to work to not overrun their more insecure spouse. They would want him to have confidence and agency for himself, not just so that he can accomplish what benefits them. I feel that Johno had just as much reason to feel unsafe in their marriage as she did, if not more. Yes, he shouldn't have agreed to goals that he didn't really want the same, but it makes me wonder why SHE chose him. They went over why he chose her. What made her choose someone so different from herself? I also thought it was kind of contradictory for her to say she always believed he was capable of performing the way she needed him to even though he didn't or was afraid, but then wanted to divorce him the minute he started actually performing the way she said she always believed he could. I would get her being upset that he could have stepped it up and helped her much sooner it if wasn't HER own very ambitious, difficult, specific dreams that was pushing them both. I agree with other comments that this series of videos is one-sided. Granted, 15 minute videos are not enough to get a good idea of everything they have gone through as a couple, but I would like to hear more from Alicia in how she had to compromise or adjust for Johno, how she grew as a wife.
4 pregnancies? @.@. Goodness. I hope you guys are happy :). Cuz divorces are hard as it is. And I personally don't prefer to date a girl with that background, who had kids already. But thats just my opinion. Its like....5 pregnancies? Not trying to sound like a butt over here. But if she had like....3 marriages. Ohhh boy. I guess pick your battles and partners wisely. Cuz its just a lot to cover with all those past.
They have five children so five pregnancy
Not so much the kids but I'd have been more worried about them hopping out of so many relationships. Like sheesh woman how many husbands have you had. Part one I was like yikes if a person was married that many times I wouldn't even bother. Most marriages don't end because of abuse and stuff like that and then I was proven right in part 2 like "Oh crap she really did almost divorce him and it wasn't due to abuse or infidelity, things were just not going how she wanted them to go and she has no fortitude or integrity to see it through"
@@swatisaini6447 oh myyyyy. I mean to each their own.
@@TheRindy84 yeeeeeah. Kind of reinforce of my reasoning of not marrying a woman with kids. Just my two cents.
@@dannylin5980 Why? If her husband passed away then what's the problem? She didn't just up and leave, he died, there is no question of choice unless you think the circumstances were fishy. Or if the guy abandoned her. That doesn't say anything about her it only says he chose to be a loser and skimp out on his responsibility. Not saying to seek out a woman with kids just saying you don't have to write someone off just because of it. Guys have found themselves in similar situations too