Toddler Tantrums? This has worked SO well for us!
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- Toddler Tantrums? This has worked SO well for us!
#howtotalktolittlekids #terrible2s #heyshayla #boundrysettingage
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I started reading listening to "How to talk so little kids will listen" and it has been a GAME CHANGER in our house!
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Lots of things that are counterintuitive like don't say "good job", or "be careful" or talking MORE about what they want even though they can't have it
Instead of "terrible 2s" I've learned to look at it as "the boundary setting age!" and I LOVE this shift for talking to my toddler!
These things all sounded crazy to me, but after putting some into practice I honestly couldn't believe how much it changed our struggle and changed my relationship with my toddler!
I hope this video helps you and I'd love to know anything that has worked with your child!
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Chapters
00:00 Terrible Twos?
00:10 How to talk to your toddler
01:06 Acknowledge your toddlers needs and wants
03:41 Get into your toddlers world
04:42 We rearranged the house
06:32 Play Pretend!
08:19 Tend to the child who will remember...?
09:03 Including the new child
10:24 Other family member do the same
11:09 Having inanimate objects talk
11:41 Treat your toddler with respect and understand that they have feelings
12:17 Acknowledge their experience to avoid a toddler tantrum
12:54 3 Counter-intuitive ways to talk to your toddler
13:29 “you did it!” Another way to say "good job"
14:12 Don't say “Be careful!” to your toddler
14:25 Leaning into what they want to avoid a toddler tantrum
14:49 Parenting Book Recommendations
17:00 Danish Way of Parenting- Boundary setting age
19:56 What has helped you?
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I read somewhere "They aren't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time" and that really resonated with me. My babe is only 8 months old but I'll still say that in my mind when he's feeling fussy or having a hard time settling.
Love this so much
LOVE THAT!
So freeing to escape the mentality that kids are deliberately causing us grief.
Exactly. My mom told me before havin kids. They are victims of the « terrible twos » they aren’t bad❤️❤️people tend to get real negative around that. It is hard but they are having a hard time❤️
This is gold. Yes. Reframing it to realize they're struggling, and expressing that to you because they trust you and feel safe to let you know how they feel instead of suppressing it (and blowing up later) is a mindset that has helped me immensely.
Using First and Then statements has been my biggest life saver. For example, my daughter might be having a tantrum because she wants to go outside but she needs to get dressed/put on shoes. I can say “First get dressed, Then outside” and it snaps her out of the tantrum. We repeat it several times while we get dressed and the. ALWAYS follow through. Once they learn that you will follow through with the sequence of events it is soooo helpful.
Yeeeeeees
Parents who play pretend with their children don't realize what a wonderful impact they make. My mom always played pretend with me- I remember so vividly, and I'm convinced she's the reason I excel with my creative writing, and anything that really involves creativity and problem-solving. My parents made a lot of mistakes [they were very young when I was born], but I'll always remember her saying "Let's pretend..." This is something I can't wait to share with my daughter, who will be here in April!
Was your daughter born? Congratulations !
“Their job is to test our boundaries and our job is to enforce them” is what I try to remember. It’s not manipulative or malicious, they’re really just trying to figure out the rules of the road 🤷🏼♀️ the biggest blessing for me has been seeing a therapist who primarily works with new moms. I’m able to work on my own emotional regulating and try to model that.
I love that idea!!
"Parenting is a lot of unlearning all of these habits you've learned" Now that just hits home. Also the bit about modelling the behaviour you want to see is soooo true! These two together make parenting so much fun but also so challenging.
😊😊p😅😅😅😊o😊😊
"SHE ACCEPTED A PRETEND POPSICLE" I love it.
This is exactly what I needed! Something I say when I can’t understand my 23 month old is “show me” and he stops being frustrated and walks me to whatever he needs or whatever so that I understood and then I give him the words. That has been helpful for us. I also read the whole brain child and no drama discipline- they are good! I actually learned from my kid at like 18 months that acting like I didn’t understand him rather than acknowledging him and saying no, ended up being worse. They really do just want to be understood!
Exactly!!!
Such a powerful truth! Don't all people just want to be understood? I feel like children remind us of just how to be good people in so many of life's common situations.
I know you’ve talked about Montessori ideas and creating “yes” zones but I worked with a really smart children’s photographer once and she did the same philosophy for getting great photos of the kids. Handing them blocks or trains or other aesthetic “on theme” items to play with in front of the camera instead of just trying to make a toddler sit still and smile which we all know is a recipe for disaster 😂 She got the greatest images that way so it’s something I’m doing anytime I try to take photos of my daughter!
You're not just a better mom, you're a better communicator. You are utilizing these skills with your children now but they are exactly the way you should be interacting with adults also.
My husband and I have been fighting a lot since having our baby why? Because he doesn't take the time to see and acknowledge my struggles and listen and see things from my perspective. All we want as humans is to be see and heard and understood.
I love telling my toddler “wait! What are the clues telling you?” And he’ll be like “oh steam! It’s hot!” and in addition to barefoot shoes I love “do you feel safe?” whenever we’re at the playground and I start getting nervous.
I loved watching this! Thank you so much for putting it together. I share some of the same favorite parenting books as you. I love the humble way you bring all to light! Thank you! And good luck on your parenting adventures!!!
Ending statements with okay was something massive I had to unlearn when I worked with little kids. Instead of saying "let's put our shoes on now, okay?" Just say "we need to put our shoes on." By adding the okay, you've made it a question and the option to say "no." That's where the options are great like you said "blue or white shoes."
Love all these tips!! A trick I use is to always give a heads-up when we are leaving somewhere. e.g., "Hey honey, we are going to leave soon, do you want to stay on the swing or go down the slide again before we go"
HAHAAHAH When you said Aliyah (sorry forgot the spelling) says "Be careful, oh no I'm not supposed to say that." 😂😂😂
The part you talk about making her apologise but you shouldn't. I learnt that we can help them say it like "It can be hard to find your apology voice now. I will use it for you."; "I'm sorry, I really wanted that and it came out as a hit." or something along these lines.
Just discovered you, I’m a new momma of two under two. An 18 month old and a one month old. Loving how you focus on real honest advice, not just what looks good or product placement. Thank you for what you do!!! I’m making a reading list. Hope these are on audible cause let’s be honest I have no time to read haha
Yep. Treating children like they are their own human, not just a part of yourself is key. Because as they grow up that turns into a balanced, respectful adult relationship/friendship.
Book recommendation for raising siblings: "Siblings without Rivalry." I heard a summery on this book a while back, and I think it is RIGHT up your alley, Shayla! It shares a lot of practical tools around how you can foster friendship in their relationship rather than jealousy or competing for your attention. Definitely check it out!!
Omg yes!!!!!! Thank you!!!
Just about to comment about this book! It's by the same authors as "How to Talk" I have applied a lot of the techniques, and my preschooler hasn't ever shown more than fleeting jealousy of our 9 mo old
I think what hit me the most was that parenting is a mirror. Thank you for that reminder I needed that today.
Involve them in everything and let them help even when the task takes longer!!!
Another huge reminder is “Every mess can be cleaned up so let them be messy “ !!
My son is 2 months and I already get “oh I guess I’m not supposed to say that” and this is only the beginning
😂😂😂
Omg pretending!!! Mind blown!!! I’m totally going to use that! Thanks!
This is good.
When we talk, we talk so others will listen. Same for the youngest children. Freud coined the term the talking cure, where we cure ourselves of emotional problems by talking about them. What I found is he had it wrong. It's actually the listening cure. We value being listened so much. This was brought out in books like The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P Nichols and surprisingly books about hostage negotiating like Never Split The Difference.
Thanks for this video- I have older kids, 2 girls aged 7 and 4.5yo. I must say my mum's tip when they were younger was - TALK TALK TALK to the kids. I laugh now cos the negotiation skills of both of my kids are on POINT 🤣
The words you use to describe your child “a terror” “terrible” “naughty” becomes the way you SEE your child. Words matter, especially if they are being said to the child because then THEY see themselves that way too.
I know being a parent is frustrating and this is something I’m working on as a former “bad, naughty, stubborn” kid ❤️
Absolutely! I like to frame it as "my baby needs my help to navigate (insert reason they're having a hard time)" Someone isn't "bad" for needing your help
I’m reading “how to talks so little kids will listen” right now! My daughter is 1.5 years and I use “first ____, then____” statements a lot, I started around a year and it’s helped so much. “First shoes, then outside” “first cloths, then we play” etc.
Totally!!! That’s a great one too!
I don’t have kids but babysit and watch my nephews a lot. When we’re struggling with going places, I have us race! For example, It’s time to take a bath, I don’t want to, then I start walking toward the stairs and say I’m going to beat you to the bath… then they run to beat be up the stairs 😂 works every time!
The good job/be careful advice I think stems from the same idea. It's just taking something vague and making more specific for the child. "I love how you helped me by carrying the bag" tells the kid what they did right when "good job" does not, and "watch your feet, the ground is rocky" rather than "be careful" tells them why this is a situation that needs their attention
You have two kids!!! Omg I watched you when I was pregnant with my little one and she’s 14 months now! Congrats! Your videos helped me so much
Hahahah sure do 😂😂🙌🙌
This helped so much😢, my baby has been doing so many tantrums and I’ve basically done all the “don’ts” from this video. I will start doing all your tips starting tomorrow ☺️Can’t wait for my baby’s reaction and hopefully change in behavior. Will update❤
How did it go? I’m in your situation right now! I want to read the book first as there are a lot of tips
Watching these video's and hearing you say 'it's a lot of unlearning' makes me SO grateful for my own mom, who did all this. Now with my toddler, it's natural for me to do these things and there's very little unlearning to do. So far things go pretty smoothly and I have tons of extra mindspace to be mindful of certain 'extra' aspects I want to teach him.
So parents who do struggle with the unlearning, take heart! Your child will benefit greatly from it, AND have it so much easier raising their children when time comes. You are investing not only in yourself, not only in them, but even in the generation after that.
this is a good inbetween of whats out there as 'gentle' parenting or from what others gather to mean - no consequences and consequnecial parenting. which is not the case but I think you made a clear distinctions about how to explain and help the child learn and have agency to a degree wtihout it being chaotic.
Thank you for this video
Just a comment on the food possession part:
I say
This food is for momma, dad, toddler, and baby can have it when baby has teeth or is sitting up or walking or …
At least for us my toddler knows that all the food is for everyone (except our dog cause he has a sensitive tummy lol). But it includes the baby so she doesn’t get possessive w/ food with baby bro … but she does often yell at our dog that our food is not for him 😬😅
This is such a great video. I work in early childhood development and teach respectful and conscious parenting in South Africa, having the outlook that you do and being curious to learn these approaches and how to relate to yourself and your kiddo is one of the biggest factors in nurturing the lifelong relationship that we have with them. You mentioned RIE and with the amount that you have read I feel like you may know quite a bit about the philosophy already but I always recommend Janet Lansbury's No Bad Kids - I'm not sure if someone has already mentioned it in the comments but its one even I refer back to over and over again.
No but i just added it to my list!!! Thank you!
My fave "unlearning old parenting habits" advice is asking yourself- is it care or control? When your kiddo wants something and your knee jerk is to say no, stop and ask yourself, am I saying no because it will be harmful or neglectful, etc, or am I saying no to have control. If the answer is control, you're supposed to rethink the request and realize that you might not really need to say no to them after all. It might be something you're hardwired to say no to, like kids picking out their own clothes- are you saying they can't wear what they picked because YOU think it's ugly or mismatched, or is it not appropriate for the weather? If it's just because you think it's ugly- let them wear it anyway.
Love this!
Watching to be a better aunt (if possible 😂😉) great advice!
Hahaha loved everything about this video! As a nanny to a newly 2-year-old, I'm excited to add some of these tips to my arsenal. One thing I do is if she has a tantrum, I try to always help her calm down, rather than repeatedly telling her why we can't do something and drawing out the tantrum. Often she just needs to be soothed with some calm music and her teddy bear, and that helps to reset the mood and minimize lengthy tantrums. She now understands that I can help her to calm down, and that is our routine
This was very helpful and makes total sense. A lot I already know but like you said at the end it’s about looking in the mirror and changing those habits. I’m really struggling with my 2 year old as he is testing the boundaries and I’m struggling to regulate my emotions. The whole needing to be calm through his feeling is something I’m working on and this video was beautiful insight and reminder to ensure how important it is to do so. I hope I haven’t damaged my son already by getting upset but motherhood is a process and trying to be better at it each day… these videos of yours really help so thank you 🙏🏼
I feel like I’m also where you’re at in trying to learn how to help my own 2 year old. We took the pacifier away recently and nighttime has been a struggle. When she cries or wines I say “do you want me to help you relax? Would you like me to sing to you or hold you” so instead of telling her to stop crying or calm down I’m giving her a distraction to help her to calm down. It’s made such a huge difference. I’m definitely taking some tips from this video
Janet Lansbury’s “Unruffled” podcast has been life changing for me. She is all RIE😊. I will be checking out some of these books too! Love your channel
Yeah i have only listened to 1 minute of this video but just sounds like all the stuff janet lansbury says
One of my favorite parenting books is 'unconditional love' by Alfie Kohn. 10/10 recommend . Also the whole brain child is great for understanding kids brains
This is so perfect for us right now. My first is 3. My second is 2. And my third is a couple months old. We are going through sooo many big emotions all at once. We play pretend sometimes but never even realized how it could benifit in so many other times. I wave my hands around pretending to do magic to "help" my child do something they've suddenly "forgotten" how to do. These are wonderful tips! Thank you!
My friend just sent me this video… it’s my first time watching Shayla’s content and I’m loving her non-curated/non-rehearsed approach to videos, it’s very sincere.
A couple of other must-read recommendations are Mindset by Carol Dweck and Outside Kids in an Inside World by Steven Rinella.
I found this whole technique a lot easier before my daughter got closer to 3 and started getting more sassy and “talking back” and having more big feelings and anger.
Parenting is so hard!
It’s funny you mention grandma because my MIL always catches herself saying good job and constantly apologizes haha. I told her it’s fine and just like you say explained why I’m trying to say other things. It’s so nice that she buys in to the whole thing though. Especially because she was part time childcare for me before my youngest was born.
I also try not to say “good job” because I don’t like that it’s an evaluation and I don’t want my son to grow up feeling like he needs to perform and impress me. I know that’s not our intent when we say “good job” but it feels like I’m promoting that pattern if I say it. My husband thinks I’m crazy and I’m like “duh, I’m trying break the cycle.” Instead I say “you got it” or “you did it!” My son has loved climbing since he could move around and instead of “good job!” when he climbs to the top of a hill or whatever I say “you’re a little mountain goat!” It’s not cold, it’s just trying to remove the judgment aspect and focus on celebrating them and their growth regardless of how well they did something. Anyway, thanks for the book recommendations! I will def be trying the tactic you used with the cake pops. ☺️
I would say it's good to let them know that something is just for them. My 3 year old has some toys with small parts and we don't want his brother to have it because he puts everything in his mouth. So my oldest has a feeling of ownership and also protection over his brother to keep him safe from choking. It also helps my oldest to understand that he shouldn't take his brother's toys because he has some special toys for himself. My oldest can play by himself with "his" toys in his room and he likes to have that time. He is motivated to keep his toys put away in his room for his brother's safety. Loved your video!
I will say I like this way of parenting but it is definitely re-learning since I was not brought up this way at all. Which makes it take a lot of effort. Sometimes it can be quite exhausting. But I try my best to stick with it.
Yes to all of this! Another thing that has helped me is asking myself if what she wants is an unnecessary boundary. For instance, she wants to wear her princess gloves to bed, it's not going to hurt or bother anyone, so why not. Or if she wants to climb higher on the playset than I'm comfortable with, as long as she is obviously in a willing mood to cooperate when I ask her to come back down or take my advice about footing, I can work with that. A lot of times the things we see as potentially scary or just plain silly, are our own biases. So asking if it's an unnecessary boundary helps me check myself and therefore allows her more freedom to experience the world her way! And it helps me better communicate to her why it may be an absolute necessary boundary, if I determine that it really is one.
Love this
I do this too! If it's not going to hurt anybody (too seriously) then my default is yes. Keeping the boundaries to a minimum makes it much easier for me to be consistent and it's easier for the kids to remember too. Also the kids get to try crazy things which is their job as little scientists.
As a mum of 2 I can relate to everything here!
When it comes to your stuff vs. My stuff, we try to say well isn't it nice that baby is interested in looking at your toys & let's take turns. But there a lot of stuff which isn't age appropriate so we have stuff in her room which is hers but she's never been possessive, she's just always said, no you can't play with this because it has small parts or it's not safe for you because your little. Like you've mentioned before going into the "why can't I " etc
Keep up the great work Shayla ! X
Your local library may have a lot of these books. Mine does and what they don't have I buy off abe books. Abe books is cheap and usually has the books for like 5 dollars.
Raising Good Humans is another good book. So make of it is about unpacking your own childhood experiences and dealing with your shit so you can not pass on your own issues yo your kid. I’ve loved it.
It’s on my list so I’m glad to hear you like it!
This is such good advice! I feel like the tip about pretending is going to go a long way with my son.
The one thing I would note about telling kids they are smart vs they worked hard - it doesn't apply to toddlers so much, but with older kids it's important to acknowledge when someone has a higher level of natural talent at something, because kids can feel bad if they're not achieving as much as another child who is naturally better at math or something, when it's just luck that some kids understand math quicker than others. The important thing there is to teach kids that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and that being naturally good at something doesn't make you better than others, which can often be the real issue - kids who are naturally smart, or good at sports, can be treated as better than others. Essentially, you treat natural talent as a fact rather than a moral judgement, which means kids can know they have a bit of an advantage in a certain area without thinking kids who don't have that are lesser, and it also avoids broader labels like 'smart kid' when they are actually just quicker at learning to read or something. It also means that you can teach kids to enjoy and succeed at something on their own terms, rather than comparing themselves to others who have an advantage in a certain area - there are so many opportunities to enjoy things. For example, if you enjoy reading you can literally read books at any level and still enjoy reading. But the point about intrinsic motivation remains - just something else to think about when we talk about abilities!
Love it!
Pretending is agreat idea.
And indeed, regulating our emotions while parenting is one of the hardest things!
I read a parenting book that compared bringing a new baby to meet their older sibling to bringing a new spouse to meet your current spouse. Wow! That gives a perspective on how difficult it might be for kids to "share" mom or dad's love with a new baby.
Oh that's so sad.. I wonder if that is only true for younger siblings who don't understand or also for older children?
@@sleepingwhale I would suspect it's hard for all ages. But also that depends on the individual personality of the children.
Thanks for those tipps, i found the books from Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson verry helpful.
They explain more tipps that worked for our childeren, kind of like the ones that you describe from the "How to talk so that childeren listen" but i think it goes deeper. And it has some funny comics ;)
Thanks i verry like your content and start listening to your potcast
This channel is gold
Facts! Parenting is a lot of unlearning and self reflection. It can be a lot. But one day at a time. And a whole lot of grace.
This is also so funny on timing. I was just listening to Jennifer Kolari on connected parenting, which her technique seems pretty similar to the main book you discussed.
I watched the parenting book section multiple times, thank you! And as someone who lives in a state with snowy, cold winters I can’t wait to read there’s no such thing as bad weather!
It's SO good - Canada
I also interviewed the author on mypodcast!! The book is SO good!!
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND the temperature inside the house situation! Why pay to cool the house when it is cold outside??? Just open the windows. Also crazy to wear a sweater inside the house when it is hot outside. Thank you for the toddler tips! They just want to be understood
Love this 🙌🏼 ❤
love this
I needed this. Thank you
So helpful!!!
So helpful thank you!
The book Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood has worked wonders for our toddler especially once our second arrived. It has made this stage fun for me!
Put it in my wishlist thank you!
Great video!
I loved all of this and you!!
Thank you for sharing this video! So helpful
wow, thank you very much
So much good information here! Thank you for sharing
Omg the pretend popsicle alternative is magic!!!!! Never heard that took before. Thank you!
Great video! So many helpful tips!
I LOVE this video. Having my mother (our childcare) and my husband watch this. I feel this is all so important to help our toddler be the best she can be ❤
Ur an inspiration, as always
Thank you for these book recs! you are amazing!! love youuu!!
This whole video is gold🙌
Hi, Thanks for the video. I Gave a warning before some activity needs to end at like 15 minutes before the end and at like 5 minutes to go and it worked really well, i figured out my eldest needed that when he was little and at 8 he told me to please stop.
LOVE all of this! Checking out your book recommendations. Your parenting journey feels so relatable to me, thank you so much for sharing 😊
I really appreciate all the book recommendations!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. I love it and I really appreciate it ! Such good advice ❤️
Aww, I'm so impressed! You are such a great mom.
Your videos come in so clutch- seriously always at the perfect time 😅
So insightful! And thank you for the book recommendations - adding all of them to my reading list :)
I love it all! You said so much that I can learn from to do with my toddler!
Love this video. I’m gonna watch it 100 more times and check out those books!
This is so helpful! Thank you so much! What an amazing job you are doing, mama!
You are doing a great job and so relatable! Thanks for trying to be the best mom you can be and sharing about it. 🙏🏼🙌🏼
When my daughter started to freak out today because we were done with her show, I hugged her close and said "You are a big girl when mommy says 'We are done" you need to say 'yes mommy, what are we doing next'." Then I said, "next I'm going to tickle you!" And we dissolved into a tickling giggling fit. And I was in such a good mood after I announced that we were going to go out. Which caused absolute delight in my daughter. I've never handled that situation like that before, but I think I will do it again in the future. My daughter loves action, going and doing, so focusing on what we are doing next works well and tickles are a great bonus.
Please do more videos like this!!
All of this is an excellent reminder! I love the leaning into what they are asking for or want! Definitely going to try that! Thank you!!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience. Very inspiring content shayla 💚🧚🏽♀️
I want to read all of these books now! Thanks for taking the time to summarize and share.
I always get the best advice from ur videos.. thanks a lot
I just love every video you put out! I’m a mom of 2 under 2 so I feel like we’re in a very similar place in life 😭 thanks for sharing all your tips! ♥️
i NEEDED this video today as a mama of a toddler i’ve been struggling a bit! Thank you for uplifting me and helping me to understand my toddler better 💖🙏💖🙏
Got the book from the library soon as I heard you recommend it in another video, excited to read! Love how real you are; it’s refreshing :-) thanks for sharing what you’re learning!
The thing when you acknowledge their 'wants' and share the experience - those was very interesting to know. Also thank you for book recommendations. That's ALWAYS appreciated.
Thanks for the book recommendations! I also read Hunt, Gather, Parent, and loved it. Another top favorite for me that I think you might enjoy is called Joyful Toddlers and Preschoolers (by Faith Collins). I'm reading it right now, and it's blowing my mind. One of the things she teaches is...if your child says "no" (after you tell them to do something), you should interpret it as "I don't feel as connected to you right now as I want to." Then she gives super practical strategies for how to create a moment of connection with them...which usually results in the child being more agreeable. SO helpful!
Love that!!
I swear you keep changing the game for me 😂❤ thank youuuuuu!!
Also currently reading this book and agree that it's brilliant! I've just ordered two of the other books you've recommended on audible
Thanks so much, you’re just 3 month ahead of me so it’s really helpful