This is the positivity that motherhood needs. While it initially had good intentions., the "acknowledge the struggle" narrative was really damaging to me as a new mom. We need to keep celebrating the joy instead of harping on any loss.
I think we are so often warned not to "lose ourselves" in Motherhood that we have been primed to resist the changes and fight to get back to our old lives. But once you have children that life is gone, that "you" is gone. When we stop fighting, when we truly accept what currently is and embrace the opportunity to have your whole self transformed by motherhood, I believe we can be much more at peace and then we can thrive 🙌🏻
Omg yes I never understood why we should try to be our old selves. Our old selves didn't have a child and did whatever when ever. It will literally drive you insane trying to pretend like you can do that period.
This! I feel like the way it's been framed it's almost as if you are a 'traitor' to your gender if you acknowledge that being a mum changes you, like you should be able to enter motherhood while at the same time behave and feel like when you were child-free - it's simply not possible! And also, why would you want that? deciding to have children kinda implied that your life would change!
I think this is a very American perspective. In Europe, you're allowed to be a full person after you have children. You're allowed to not be attached at the hip to them. You're allowed to send them somewhere else for other people to parent them, in Africa you're allowed to have other people in the community raise your children also while you also get to be a full person. I don't think we need to pretend that we have to give up all over ourselves and every contacts. My parents take my child one weekend a month, and it's glorious to be a full adult.
Hey Shayla, I have a 11 month old baby boy (my first) and still struggling with motherhood (postpartum depression probably + covid during pregnancy didn't help). When I found out what "matrescence" was... I felt so relieved to know that something real and normal was happening to me, my mind and my body. I feel so different to me old self. My partner and I both really wanted a baby. I thought so much that I was going to be a natural mum... But to my surprise I found it so overwhelming and hard. All my family and friends being far didn't help either. Thank you for your videos, I don't watch many mothers in RUclips but your videos always put a smile on my face. I know that soon I'll be enjoying motherhood 100% but I know I have to trust the process 🙏🏻😊 xxx
Definitely can relate to this. The biggest shift I felt a few months ago after our daughter turned one was going from ‘my husband and daughter don’t value my time (since I don’t really have any free time anymore )’ to ‘I am so valuable to my husband and daughter that they need me a lot of the time’ even if it’s just them needing me on an emotional level (they would survive giving me more free time, but it’s harder for them).
Oh my goodness this comment is a Godsend! I needed to read your comment. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed in this area especially since I’m an introvert. I like the way you changed your perspective.
I DESPERATELY needed to hear this today. I have a 2.5 yo and 7mo, and the transition has been so, so hard for me. My 1st is a fantastic sleeper, my 2nd is not. The lack of sleep has been mentally affecting me, and I have been struggling to find joy again as a mom. My 2nd is also much more clingy and vocal, and it has triggered so much of my trauma from my childhood in regards to my relationship with my mom and being told I was a troublemaker when I spoke up and expressed my feelings. I am currently in therapy to address and work through these triggers to break the generational cycle with my children. For me, I need to let go of 1 child mom life and accept 2 children mom life. Mainly, I need to redefine what being a good mom means for myself, and let go of expectations I've put on myself (a clean home, for instance). Thank you for being vulnerable. I love your channel.
Currently pregnant with my second baby (I’ll have two under two) and definitely needed this. I also already muted/unfollowed a lot of mom related pages, I realized that’s what gave me so much anxiety the first time around, I was trying to do everything “right” but there is no overall “right” thing to do! I’m ready to do what needs to be done this time around and not focus on what everyone else is doing.
You’re “Do what works until it doesn’t” thing is the best thing I’ve heard. I’m almost 3 months in with my first and I say that to myself all the time.
Yassss.. same girl! I'm a first time mom of a 3 month old and this happened to me this week. The first 3 months were sooo hard and I really contemplated my life choices.
I completely agree, my son is also 3 months old and I’m really starting to embrace the fact that I’m his mom and that i love being his mom and a home maker! Growing up my mom always talked down on the idea of being “barefoot and pregnant” basically that a man just wanted you stuck at home being a baby maker and a maid. I was terrified of becoming that because she made it sound SO horrible and like a trap that men try to suck women into. But now that i have my son and I’m a SAHM I realize THIS is what I’ve always wanted! I WANT the white picket fence house and BBQs with your neighbors that you can borrow sugar from. I want to do crafts with my kids and host slumber parties over the summer. I want to be the one who makes our house a home, a safe and cozy place that you know is there at the end of the day so you can take risks while away from it… i want to make what i didn’t have growing up. I love my son, my fiancé, and this role i was so scared of because i thought it was a trap. I honestly can’t imagine life any other way
As soon as my baby came out, and they plays her little warm body on my chest, I just sobbed and I think I continue to stop until today and she’s two weeks old and every time I cry it’s out of pure joy because I can’t believe she’s here and I love her so much and our bond has been really helping me navigating motherhood and decoding what she wants and needs and each of her little cry and let her baby noise I think it’s harder for some people, but I knew that it was going to be easy for me because this might sound funny but everybody I’ve ever met told me that I was very motherly and nurture it’s just with my nature and I have a nine year old little Yorky that I raise him the same way and he’s very very intelligent he literally will talk to you about what he wants and needs a calm little dog and I hate to compare, but I feel like little babies are the same if you quiet down and patience and listen, they’ll tell you what they want and needs. In the last two weeks and becoming a mother, I found myself getting frustrated at times, but then I have to remind myself that she is adjusting to the new life and she’s having a hard time and it’s my job to guide her through it and so I just and breathe out and create a peaceful environment and protect that peace as much as I could so I can be present for her and that’s really been helping. She’s a really happy baby. She smile And like day of birth and she smiles every day and I’m just so in love and I don’t know what life is without her
I was crying by 5:25 into this video. Thank you! I have an 18 month old and this hit home for me. I do need to stop trying to incorporate my daughter into “my life” (my life before becoming a mom) and look at it from this perspective. She is my life, we are in this together. So eye opening. I was lucky enough to quit working a few months ago and stay home with her. We took her out of daycare and it was a big change because now I care for her 100% of the time and it is a lot, but I love it. My issue was feeling like people judge you like, “well why can’t you come to my wedding in Scotland?”, welllll 2 years ago, sure! Let’s go! But I am not about to put my 4 month old (this happened last year) or myself through that. Not necessary. Then there’s judging yourself for not having the same body you had before getting pregnant; same hair, skin, abs, etc. I’ve started to finally appreciate my body and accept that some things will Never be the same again, but the trade off is so worth it. Finally starting to feel like a human again, just not the same human that I was before having my baby. I’m a new person and I’m finally beginning to love this person. Seriously, thank you again for everything you said. Knowing you’re not alone and you’re not the only person that feels this way is a giant weight off my shoulders. This is the first video of yours I’ve ever seen but I’m am subscribing to your channel because of this. Congrats Mom, you’re doing a great job! ❤️
We waited a long time to start our family, but I absolutely adore being a Mama. I love being able to stay home with our son and watch him learn, grow and experience every little thing for the first time. I believe it is such a huge blessing from God!!!
i feel like i sometimes need to take 5 minutes to realize, that my son (14 months) will only be this little, now. Tomorrow, he will learn something new, say something new, be more independent, so im trying, every day, to take those small moments of what he needs from me today. The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait. But our mom feelings, we need to acknowledge them. We arent losing any parts of ourselves, we are evolving. I love the mom i am, even though i dont do "instagram" mom things, or pinterest mom things. Feel your feelings, they are valid!
Love that you’re viewing motherhood as a gift!! The narrative that mothers are martyrs etc is starting to really negatively portray all that being a mom could be! ❤️❤️
Yes exactly! I’m tired of all the posts about how awful and all consuming it is to be a mom. Or how moms have such a mountain of mental load as if dads and partners don’t have a huge responsibility in life too.
@@ashleybeazley the narrative may have swung too far the other way, but if you don’t think women carry the entire mental load the majority of the time you’re not paying attention
@@CraftyMoonshine that’s because feminism taught younger generations that they should be an “independent woman” and take care of everything on their own and never to rely on a man. You can’t have it both ways. I don’t follow that ideology and have a man I can count on who has his own share of mental load. Does he think about what size clothes the kids are in right now or whether or not we need milk, no. But he does worry about when the winter tires need to go on or winterizing the yard, or making sure he is doing all he needs to at work to support his family - or a multitude of other jobs that are his responsibility that I never bother to worry about. In my opinion a woman who is carrying the entire mental load has chosen poorly in her partner and bought in to feminisms lies about what should make her happy.
This gives me hope, thank you. Only 9 months in. Your sentiments remind me of “respectful parenting” from Janet Lansbury and “simplicity parenting” from Kim John Payne - their podcasts and books changed my whole perspective!
Holy hell, I’m so glad I found your channel. I have been watching a TON of videos about parenthood and bonding with baby when first born. I am 12 weeks pregnant and am already losing my mind with these types of thoughts. I also just watched another video of yours where you broke newborn essentials into categories like “somewhere to put them.” I literally understand on such a deeper level than before.
I’m so glad I watched this video! I’m a single mom, and my daughter is 3. I’m very lucky to not be struggling financially, but I’m struggling just keeping up with life, I work full time and it just all feels so overwhelming! I also still can’t believe I’m a mom most days. Whenever she calls me “mama” I always think to myself “ wow, that’s me! I’m mama!” So what you said about it taking a while to truly sync in is so true! I’m just trying so hard to get this mom thing right..
So love this. Last night my daughter (2yr old) spilled milk everywhere, smelled like cheese and needed a bath at 2am lol. I actually didn't freak out and wallow but enjoyed our bath together. I'm super pregnant and sleep seems like this overshadowing burden I need to fix before #2 arrives, but it'll just be what it is
I wasn't "attached" to either of my babies when they were born too. It took a while for my first and it's going faster with my second. I like what you said about trying to be Shay before kids. I feel that way sometimes, especially about my bod. I used to have killer abs and go on amazing adventure hikes. I know I'll get back to it, it's just going to take a longer time. My first is about to turn 2 and my second just turned 3 months. I have been feeling really blessed to be a stay at home mom and wife. I love making homemade bread and being in charge of my home. It's a ton of work and the hardest thing I've ever done. I used to not want children, was working a 9 to 5 and was miserable. Now I feel so fulfilled and when I think that I might have never had kids it saddens me because I think that's a message that's really pushed on my generation and other women feel the way I used to, don't have kids, and miss the opportunity.
I think you nailed it on The head!! Also the first 6 months are the hardest for me especially when it’s so hard on my body but once they can interact with you or sit on their own I feel like my mindset shifts.
I cried while watching this. My first baby is almost 7 months old, and I feel all of this. The feeling like I’m just me with Kids, not mom yet, the feeling of too much input. Not trusting myself, depression anxiety all of it. This resonated with me and encouraged me so much I want to thank you. I’ve found your channel back when I was single and you were doing full time travel, I was travel nursing at the time and had a lot of money and a lot of freedom so I loved watching all your videos. Then after I got married all the kind of slowed down, (plus The pandemic) and when I got pregnant I found your channel again about pregnancy, motherhood, etc. I find your stuff so informative (in a good way lol), and encouraging. So thank you so much.
Yesssss to the muting of social media accounts!!!! Not that it isn’t helpful info, but I think it is SO important to give ourselves the chance to figure things out in our own without stressing if it’s the right thing because an account on IG says differently. The biggest thing for me was my own self-doubt and not trusting my maternal instincts because I was overwhelmed to the MAX with info online. I was a depressed/anxious mess. This time around I am shutting it the heck and and reflecting on what didn’t work for me last time and what did and focusing on my connection with my baby and family’s needs.
Such a great video! Thank you for bringing up the term "mattresses" (was that the word?🤣🙈), it makes so much sense! For me, the shift also came overnight. And it came when I least expected it! My childrens' father went to his home country for 5 weeks and I was left in the house with our 7,5 months old + 3,5 months pregnant, with the help of my mother. I thought I was going to be beyond exhausted, because that is how I felt like for most of the time in the first 7 months. And then, when I expected frustration, I actually found JOY!!! I am so happy and beyond grateful to spend time with our son, bond with him, cuddle him, we fall asleep together, when we wake up in the mornings, there is nothing in the world I would rather see than HIS cute little face!!! I LOVE this boy!!! So much!!! And it just now shifted from feeling exhausted to feeling joyful. And it's such a blessing!! Also, I really want to feel so positive, cause baby no 2 is already on the way, and I don't want to live in a state of "when will this be over", but "I am enjoying my kids so much right now".
I LOVE your videos! I've said it before, but, THANK YOU! I still cringe at the idea of "just being a mum"... I'm convinced is because of how little we value that role as a society (or at least the circles where I move?), but also, still struggle to let go of the idea of old me. I think my "idea of me" has certainly evolved though, and as you say, this is not for the next x number of years, this is me, period... I'm a career person AND a mum, both are part of me, and because of that I have to balance things and sacrifice things on both fronts... but also gain a LOT from both, and I'm happy, even if exhausted 😅. Last thing, not the first time I'me heard it, but OMG, game changer, they're not GIVINF us a hard time, they are HAViNG a hard time themselves!!!! true and GAME CHANGER, thank you for the reminder, thank you for sharing it with those who hadn't heard it before.
you are awesome! Thanks for sharing this, I’m in pretty much same situation as your 1st journey: breastfeeding into 1yr+ and see no end, have a sleep troubled kid, huge change of personal career and lifestyle, but still want a second child. This all put me in great anxiety and pressure, and the sleep triggers me everyday. Thanks for showing me that it might get better once I accepted my identity someday, and that day may come.
LOVE THIS VIDEO!! It took us 18 months plus my husband made us wait 6 years to get married so he could finish his degrees so as someone who wanted to have a baby by 25, having my first at 30 felt like an eternity! It’s unfortunate that there’s so much negativity on a lot of pregnancy and mommy platforms. Thank you for bringing the truth AND the positivity to light. Your post seriously made me emotional in the best way 💕
this video is a really good balance of enjoying motherhood and mindset shifts toward acceptance while acknowledging how hard it is and how much of a learning curve motherhood is. I think over glorifying motherhood in a way that makes it look like all beauty and ease isn't healthy and other the other hand, it's not healthy to swim in a swamp of misery. My journey into motherhood was such a culture shock in so many similar ways to yours and it took me so much work to get to where i am now. I have always loved my baby, but postpartum duru a pandemic after being a corporate manager was a reallt big shift. I didn't think I would have another baby, but your second experience gives me hope that it can be different. thanks for this video
thank you for this video! so great that you have found a perspective that works for you and that you are sharing it with the world 😊 i have a 16 month old, and it took me quite a while to feel okay with ‘not being productive’. i had to shift my perspective that being a mom is my job now, i don’t have to focus on making money daily to have worth. i also had to learn to recognize my intrinsic worth without work/motherhood/anything external as I had been relying on effort/accomplishments/etc. to feel valuable as a human before the huge shift of motherhood forced me to slow down.
I have a 6 yr old, 3.5, 1.5, and newborn.. I needed this so bad. I've been laying here crying and yelling at the kids for being too loud and just all around drowning in this new life with 4 kids..
My son is 6 months old, and I love it all. I love that having a child allowed me to give myself permission to slow down and not worry about what I should be doing, because now it's very clear that he is my priority, and I am also somehow better at doing all the other "shoulds" when there is space for them. And I reeeeeally dislike the "motherhood/parenthood is hard" narrative.Circumstances may make parenthood hard - like postpartum depression, lack of support, lack of financial stability, war. Parenthood itself is not "hard". It is a thing of many many different adjectives, and even the challenges are beautiful, and eeeeven when we are tired. So to me - definitely not helpful to do the "this is hard" thing. There are longer days, there are shorter nights, but all of it is temporary. I am fortunate to be in a position where my circumstances did not cause being a new mom to feel like a struggle. I know that's not everyone. And honestly, the issue is that our society really isn't geared to prioritize bringing up small humans, which is why everyone is so anxious about things that should be able to be taken slow. People need to get back to work, very little paid leave, etc...
Thank you so much for your honesty! I was in a similar boat. My son just turned 2. I feel like I am finally so much happier as a mom (or at least getting there😊) ever since my ruptured ectopic pregnancy about 3 months ago. It really made me realize how fast everything was going and how I just want to enjoy today with my son because I’m not promised anything else ❤
I love the idea of letting babies figure out their sleep schedules. I’m pregnant for the first time and all the recommendations are SO overwhelming! The idea of waking up a comfortably sleeping baby to eat or change has always seemed foreign to me. They’ll definitely let you know when they’re hungry or uncomfortable so why try to force them into a routine if they really need to rest?
This is so mind blowing to me! My son is just over 2 years old and I finally feel like my life isn’t a runaway train recently. I don’t know if it’s that I get help with my PPD/PPA or the “Mattress” you talked about but I remember struggling so hard and not understanding why it was so much easier for my family members who had more kids. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t keeping it together and I had way less responsibility than them! I feel like as mothers we go through our own “leaps” just like our babies and now all the pieces just fell into place! Can’t wait to listen to that podcast! Thanks for all your amazing info 😊
This was wonderful. My daughter is almost 13 months and I am working full time partially from home since she was 6 weeks old. I am happy to learn that I am still in the neurological transition period because I totally identify with the feeling like Anne with kids and not a mother yet which is SO weird to me. I find myself trying to force it (to feel like a mom) and have even been hard on myself for feeling this way. I have def had moments and times where I do feel like a mom and am in total mom mode but it’s like probably 30-40% of the time now. I adore my daughter and have attributed this feeling at times to wanting kids for so long that I felt like maybe I was not worthy to have babies and now that I have her I am still kind of in disbelief. If that makes sense? Anyhow, Thank you for sharing this! You help so much!
I have to say that you are my favourite mum youtube channel. You are so down to earth, relatable and get straight to the point. we don’t have to waste any time with long intros or slideshows, you just come on here to share your experiences and knowledge and it is making a difference in my mama life!
Thanks for this, Shay! I’m just over a month in on this beautiful journey with my daughter and it is definitely a huge change. I’ve mentally accepted that I can’t get half as much “done” as I did before. I love my girl and get excited (usually) when she wakes up so we can do things together. However, it is weird not to feel like my old self. I’ve got so much drive to do the things my old self did, but then find I have no energy or mental capacity for it when I try haha. Flipping between joy and reluctance at the fact that I’ll be WFH PT here soon. All that to say, I guess, even if it’s wonderful and you had it easy (I feel like I have in many ways), it’s still a transition and still challenging! Thanks for what you said, and thanks for all the moms who commented. It’s encouraging to know we’re not alone. :)
Still trying to figure it out, I try and take it a day at a time. I think I’m close to really being in the mom zone. There are things I would like to do better for sure. However, I just want to say how much I’m enjoying your channel and I do find it helpful. We are trying for number 2 now. So all of your videos are very relevant to me at this time. Thank you again for sharing ❤
I have a 2.5 yo and a 1 month old. When you read your thoughts out loud I cried. I can relate so much to your feelings of “when can I go back to baby free” and having to shift your mindset to feeling blessed for having babies. I have been feeling so overwhelmed and overstimulated that I have been trying to run away from the present time of being with my kids. I was pushing for them to be independent in ways that they weren’t ready to be. After praying every day something in me clicked…I need to immerse myself into motherhood and accept the chaos. Need to stop comparing to life with 1 kid and life before kids. I look at my first born now and think wow Im so blessed to have you instead of thinking can you be quiet and leave me be. It’s been a crazy mindshift and I am so happy to realize it now instead of being miserable for longer. Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings of motherhood. It is helping us moms to be in touch with our “negative” feelings and knowing that it’s okay and normal to feel these things
Such a great video! I feel like I was happy and loved motherhood right away but am actually struggling more now with my 12 month old. I'm trying to just be super mindful of our time together and what her needs are. Sometimes I just have to put work and chores aside and sit and play with her for hours and that's fine!
Same here with my 10 month old! I'm trying to not think of all the things I haven't done in the past year. It's weird not knowing what this next season will be like only knowing it will keep changing. I can't wait to be at shaylas' mindset!
I definitely wished away the newborn stage when I was in it. Now I am 1.5 years in and I soooo relate to this video! I’m obsessed with my kid, “mom” is my new identity and I love it.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm still in the progress of changing into it. My first baby is now 7,5 months old and I am still trying to find my new self. I did feel an instant connection and a ton of love the moment I first saw him, but I haven't really felt like myself ever since. I want to enjoy this, but sometimes I just don't know how and then some other days everything is so easy and so fun and we laugh a lot. He has the cutest laugh btw! There are so many new experiences that we are having each day as he is exploring the world and honestly I feel like I'm too exploring and finding a whole new world. We'll get there. With patience. So thanks for your words.
Stumble across your channel, just want to say thanks for sharing. Im new to fatherhood, but wanted to understand mother's point of view to adjust things to make my wife easier transition.
I really need to read my books. And do my yoga. Such a great video. I've always wanted to be a mom. But I was having a hard time adjusting to being mom self instead of my before self.
Same thing same. Almost 18months old baby girl, hard af buuut I’ve welcomed the shift, I’m enjoying it more and more since pregnant with the second cause time fly by sooo dang quick so thx for your video. Can definitely relate to most of them
Currently in the 'fighting it' stage, oh boy. :( I am a woman of many hobbies- reading, writing, gardening, knitting, sewing, spinning- and I feel like that person is gone. I miss being able to sit and knit for an hour. Hell, even 30 minutes. Then I feel so so selfish that I can't just be happy being mum.
Took me nine months of motherhood to get there, but here we are 💖 I also had/have severe PPD, therapy and medication have been helpful for me. Good luck to all the new parents out there, we can do this!
My son is two and a half years old and I'm expecting my second baby. I feel like I'm finally getting there. For what feels like the longest time I just wanted to go to work again. I envied my husband for having a life away from the family. But now I can do parts of my job as a hobby, working for a friend, who looks after my son next to me while I work on her website. And I start to feel like I don't actually need to do that anymore. It's fun, but being a mom is becoming my true self. And it's fucking important to care for children and even to clean.
This has made me feel SO much better about where I’m at in this motherhood journey THANK YOU SO MUCH! It’s a great reminder not to be so hard on myself and get out of my own way thank you for being so honest and raw! Really love your videos, just followed you on insta 💕
You are reading my mind lately! My babe just turned 15 months & I’m justtttt getting it!!! I’m finally enjoying it to the fullest!!! But I think for me it was also PPA, and now that’s over I see it more clearly! I was in therapy but self discovery by myself and with the help of people like Tessa Romero I found the new me! Not the old me, but the new me! We are allowed to change, grow, stretch and enjoy the things we never thought we could🤍I learned to stop fighting with reality!
God this video is SO good. I couldn’t resonate more. I have a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old as well. I keep seeing this “find yourself. Not the mom you” reel and it bothered me too!! Once you become a mother, it’s a complete life shift and it’s so interesting that there is a term for it. Embracing the change and trying to enjoy it is such good advice. I feel like we have to resist it as part of the growing pains and then when we let go, that’s when it really begins. Love this video. I’ll share it with all my momma friends. And I also agree with the idea that it takes 2 years. I’m at 2 and a bit and I’m just starting to feel this way now.
I think the fact that it’s such a struggle for moms to get to this place is evidence that modern feminism is so toxic to young girls. We are told we have to have our careers first and can’t sink into motherhood or it will consume us. That motherhood shouldn’t be your identity. When for so many women the absolute opposite is true. So happy you found your happy place in your little family ❤
i needed to hear these things, thank you. I have a 3-month old and birthed him in another country (the father's homeland), and the father left me about 2.5 weeks after birth....so now Im trapped in this foreign country (because the father wants to be involved in baby's life, so i cant come back to the US with the baby) until my son is 18. This has been extremely hard to accept...i havent quite accepted it yet. I still have my career in the US. My friends and family are in the US. I have nothing in France, except for my son. and although I love him, i dont feel super attached to him. So it's incredibly reassuring to hear that someone else felt the same way, and that i need to (and will grow into this mindset eventually) change my thought of 'old Rachel with a child'. I used to travel the world, surfing and for ,my job and im terrified to give that up. its all I know. but again, it's good to know that i can work on changing my perspective into 'mother' and realize that my son is a blessing and not a burden.
I'm not even a mom yet but will have a newborn around June. Your channel is so helpful because I can see some of the things I might need to let go or rework in my life to give myself more happiness and have a more laid back mom attitude, which would be great. For me, the more information I have, the less scared I am
I was one that jumped all in pretty quickly but this whole mindset has put a LOT into perspective on my husband and his shift into becoming a "dad" instead of "man with kids" I also love "she's not giving me a hard time. She's HAVING a hard time." ❤️
I could not agree more! I felt like it took me a solid ten months to a year to start to begin feeling like a mom. It felt so incredibly hard and overwhelming in the beginning. And now I feel like it is the absolute greatest part of my life and such a privilege. I love being with my son every day. He is a blessing
One of my big problems as a first time mom is dealing with resentment towards my baby (10 months). I love her so so much, but the pregnancy gave me hypothyroidism, and i went from being active and engaging to barely being alive. No one realised this until 5 months when i lost part of my vision for a while - up until this point, doctors, nurses and midwife thought it was post partum depression and advised group therepy. I'm only now getting stable with medicine, and I sometimes look at her and resent her for what she did to me and resent my past self for wanting a child. The love is growing, but there are still lapses every once in a while, and I feel like I'll eventually get settled in the new 'me', both with chronic illness, and motherhood.
*Hugs* I have hypothyroidism too. I hope you have been getting the help you need! When my thyroid levels are good again, I have more energy and it’s easier to be active.
Thank you! This is just what I needed to hear. I went into motherhood excited, knowing that this had always been my dream, feeling that this was my purpose in life and surely I’d be a natural. As soon as my son arrived I felt scared, consumed by anxiety, overwhelmed and in way over my head. I’ve pretty much felt like that for the last 18 months of my life. That’s not to say I don’t love him, of course I adore him, he’s absolutely everything. But it’s hard, soooooo hard, and I thought I’d be better at it. I’m disappointed in myself for not being better at it. I feel so ashamed and selfish that I need some time for myself. But what you shared makes so much sense. I’m really interested to listen to your podcast about matrescence. I feel like my brain is all jumbled, like it’s right in the middle of deep reorganisation and I’m desperate to come out the other side. Thanks for sharing. It made me feel a bit more normal ❤️
Omg this podcast is for you!! It will be out Nov 10th!! Sometimes when our expectations aren’t are reality is a harder hit. But I bet you’re the best mom for your babe!!
The thought that it takes 2-3 years for your brain to rewire to being a momma is comforting. My daughter is about to be two, and my husband and I are trying for another, but at times, I feel like I have to fight to be anything “more.” I love my life as mommy, but it’s tough to get away from the desire to be the “me without kids.” I am hopeful that my experience with having a second child will be similar to yours. I do feel more prepared with knowledge and loose plans for handling another infant. :) Here’s hoping. ❤
I'm also a mom to a 2.5 month old and now 8 month old. I feel exactly the same way. 100% more confident this time around and more present and in it. I go through ups and downs of "I got this!" And "Oh my god I have 2 kids what am I doing?"... but mostly trying to enjoy how much they need me right now, because before I know it they will be completely independent.
The background 🤩🤩!! Looks amazing, love your content so much so lucky to have found you on RUclips before I had my babe! And so happy to keep watching as she grows
Loved this video. Had a close friend recently tell me that I'm going to miss the person who I was before kids and burn out. The truth is is that I love being a mom and this is the best version of myself I have ever been and ever loved. Your IG post is what I needed to hear to validate what I was feeling. Thank you!
I'm about to give birth to my 4 child Motherhood is so much more than about ourselves or our children It's a gift that not so many women experience even as mothers Thanks for sharing
Thank you for this video! Im 6 months pregnant with our first. And really worried that I may not enjoy motherhood at all, even though its all I've ever wanted! Being able to morn the loss of my single slef, stepping into wife, and then morning that and stepping into motherhood and wife combo. It feels liberating! I have been trying to do things that I did while single, but im a wife now, so stepping into that. Anyway - Thank you.
It’s funny, I feel the exact same way and we both had kids the exact same time 😂 I literally was telling my husband this same stuff the other day! Feels so much better, house isn’t perfectly clean? Oh well
You are absolutely amazing and kicking mothering's ass. I feel everything you're saying. I'm a mom of 8 with 8 years between them and going from 1 to 2 wasn't as easy as people say. But I'm here to say thank you for being you and being candid about EVERTHING!!
I have a three month old this week and the first 6 weeks were incredibly difficult. I've slowly gotten more comfortable leaving home with her and love that I get to be a full-time stay at home mom. It's the only job I can imagine doing. When I feel tired and irritated, I remember the huge blessing it is to provide for her and get to watch her grow up. She gives my life immense purpose! I want so many more! 🙃
Same here! I leaned into mom. I love being with my daughter. It is tough and it is overwhelming especially at meal time but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here. She is my temporary priority since baby #2 will come in 2023.
I get it. I have a 10 month old and I am staying home with her almost 24 seven. I have a very close bond with my baby I definitely feel like a mother I got hit with that a lot sooner but I also I’ve always wanted to be a mother and there were only a few short years that I forgot about that because I needed to. I track of my babies stuff, nine as much as I used to, but the most important thing that I track is her sleeping and it’s super helpful. I don’t want to sleep more than two hours during the day, she’s down to two naps a day, otherwise she will not sleep in at night. But she is not as sad as your kid, sometimes that she only sleeps for 10 hours total in the 24 hour period sometimes she sleeps for 14 hours. It’s usually more like 12 but that’s only about half the week. I keep trying to remind myself to be present for her because this is not gonna last that much longer we are trying for another child and I’m gonna have all these distractions and I have pets and I have work and I have chores and sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough time for her or I’m pushing her aside it too often. The most difficult thing about my life right now is when I have obligations but she is being needy, but the applications I have are for her benefit and I need to tend to them but I can’t do it while I’m holding her and I need to try to push as much in her naptime as possible but I need to take a nap too and that’s very stressful for me But watching videos like yours health because it makes me feel like I’m not alone and what I’m going through and that helpful advice and optimism :-)
I think I had a Point to that post originally but I am needing to get to a task that I need to put my phone down and it lost track of my thought train. Oh well
This is so amazing. This is supposed to be the Christian perspective of motherhood. The role God made for women. Our society at large has been in such a war with God that it has convinced us that it is a trap. When in reality it’s like you said a blessed phase of life to be embraced and enjoyed. Its laying your life down without hesitation like our God did when he became a man and showed us how to live selflessly and died to pay for our sins. Motherhood is a picture of Gods self-sacrificial love for us. It’s cool that you are expressing the very sentiment of motherhood God created us for. Willingly and joyfully laying down our lives for another. ❤
I couldn't love this more! Good for you for embracing motherhood and then saying that you do! I'm right there with you! I feel like I started to hit my stride around 20 months but it's always hard to say if something feels better because you finally realized a system was working for you, or the kid got through a tough phase, but I think it's great that you pointed out that we actually are learning and changing and acclimating to motherhood as a whole. So so good!
Yes, love this, what a great attitude and paradigm shift. I had 4 little people in 5 years and 3 months and wow, my brain really shifted. Though I loved aspects of being a mom immediately I felt very fragmented as a person, I lost a lot of my memories of my adult life leading up to being a mom (which is interesting because I have an uncanny memory of my childhood.) Even now with my oldest just turning 6 this month and my youngest being past the half year mark I am feeling more whole everyday. So much more awareness of how quickly the little years go, I’m alive to the process and- as you were saying- yes I have hard moments but I’m basking in being a mom. I’m loving it. And interestingly my memory of my early 20s is beginning to return too.
I love this whole video! Especially when you talked about motherhood seeming like less of a burden when you stopped thinking about it as ‘shea with kids’ & started thinking of yourself as a mom. This really hit home for me. I definitely feel the same way
I wanted to be a mother sooo much. I was like in heavan my whole pregnancy. Then my child was born and I was so stressed out and not happy at all about all the changes that a baby brings in life. Now my kid is 2y7m old and I'm expecting my second child- he will join our family in march 2023. I have completely change into a mother now and I LOVE it! It really was like puberty for me, cuz both in puberty and as a new mom I've been questioning everything about myself and at some point turned into "new, better me". I feel like It's kinda like going from caterpillar to a butterfly 😁
This is the video I didn't know I needed. I didn't realize I was trying to get back to pre-baby me until you pointed it out but now that I see it, I'm thinking about the huge mindset shift that needs to take place. Thank you, Shayla.
I'm not struggling with feeling like a mom, but doing things as a mom. I'm not trying to recreate my pre-motherhood self, I just want to take a shower or make dinner without someone screaming at me the whole time
This is lovely, thanks Shayla. I'm still fairly early on - my baby is 13 months - so I'm sure there's more personal growth yet to come, but I do remember in the first few months I kept trying to find time to play video games, and it was always just a flop. I finally just gave up and accepted that it's not currently the season for that - I'm busy with my baby. It did feel freeing.
I sobbed through the whole video. I have a 2 year old and found myself this weekend thinking constantly how much I hate being a mom and feel like it's one the worst choices I've ever made. I want to enjoy it more so badly. I kept telling myself I'm a good mom having a hard time and he's a good kid having a hard time, that helped. Thanks for making this video. We are going through a big life transition that he is struggling with. While I feel like I'm trying to be curious and understand he's dysregulated/in need of connection during "tantrums," the constant-ness of it wrecks me.
This shift has started for me THIS WEEK. My oldest was born July 2020 and my youngest came in November 2021 and I have really resonated with so much of your experience. I CANNOT WAIT for that podcast episode to come out! I love that you’re talking about this. Also, YES TO FIFTEEN. 😂👏🏻👏🏻
THANK YOU!!! This video is exactly what I needed 😭 that newborn phase was so hard for me and I still don't feel like a mom just me with kids and everything you said is helping me so much!!! Thank you!!! I'm so glad to know it's a phase I'm growing into and I don't need to "bounce back" your videos are always so helpful!
This is one of your best videos. Thank you sharing! I'm 18mo into motherhood with my first and still don't feel 100% like myself. So encouraging to know things change!
“Be less annoyed with them and more curious about them,” is great advice for dealing with everybody. Kids, husband, coworkers, friends - anyone.
Yes! I love that
This is the positivity that motherhood needs. While it initially had good intentions., the "acknowledge the struggle" narrative was really damaging to me as a new mom. We need to keep celebrating the joy instead of harping on any loss.
Agree with this so much!!!!
Agree. That doesn’t really help. No, it’s not easy, but nothing rewarding is easy.
As with all things in life-balance!
100% Ashley
I think we are so often warned not to "lose ourselves" in Motherhood that we have been primed to resist the changes and fight to get back to our old lives. But once you have children that life is gone, that "you" is gone. When we stop fighting, when we truly accept what currently is and embrace the opportunity to have your whole self transformed by motherhood, I believe we can be much more at peace and then we can thrive 🙌🏻
Love how you put this.
Omg yes I never understood why we should try to be our old selves. Our old
selves didn't have a child and did whatever when ever. It will literally drive you insane trying to pretend like you can do that period.
This! I feel like the way it's been framed it's almost as if you are a 'traitor' to your gender if you acknowledge that being a mum changes you, like you should be able to enter motherhood while at the same time behave and feel like when you were child-free - it's simply not possible! And also, why would you want that? deciding to have children kinda implied that your life would change!
I think this is a very American perspective. In Europe, you're allowed to be a full person after you have children. You're allowed to not be attached at the hip to them. You're allowed to send them somewhere else for other people to parent them, in Africa you're allowed to have other people in the community raise your children also while you also get to be a full person. I don't think we need to pretend that we have to give up all over ourselves and every contacts. My parents take my child one weekend a month, and it's glorious to be a full adult.
Hey Shayla, I have a 11 month old baby boy (my first) and still struggling with motherhood (postpartum depression probably + covid during pregnancy didn't help). When I found out what "matrescence" was... I felt so relieved to know that something real and normal was happening to me, my mind and my body. I feel so different to me old self.
My partner and I both really wanted a baby. I thought so much that I was going to be a natural mum... But to my surprise I found it so overwhelming and hard. All my family and friends being far didn't help either.
Thank you for your videos, I don't watch many mothers in RUclips but your videos always put a smile on my face. I know that soon I'll be enjoying motherhood 100% but I know I have to trust the process 🙏🏻😊 xxx
I’m sooooo happy this is what you took from this video!!
Definitely can relate to this. The biggest shift I felt a few months ago after our daughter turned one was going from ‘my husband and daughter don’t value my time (since I don’t really have any free time anymore )’ to ‘I am so valuable to my husband and daughter that they need me a lot of the time’ even if it’s just them needing me on an emotional level (they would survive giving me more free time, but it’s harder for them).
I feel this too!
Oh my goodness this comment is a Godsend! I needed to read your comment. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed in this area especially since I’m an introvert. I like the way you changed your perspective.
I DESPERATELY needed to hear this today. I have a 2.5 yo and 7mo, and the transition has been so, so hard for me. My 1st is a fantastic sleeper, my 2nd is not. The lack of sleep has been mentally affecting me, and I have been struggling to find joy again as a mom. My 2nd is also much more clingy and vocal, and it has triggered so much of my trauma from my childhood in regards to my relationship with my mom and being told I was a troublemaker when I spoke up and expressed my feelings. I am currently in therapy to address and work through these triggers to break the generational cycle with my children. For me, I need to let go of 1 child mom life and accept 2 children mom life. Mainly, I need to redefine what being a good mom means for myself, and let go of expectations I've put on myself (a clean home, for instance). Thank you for being vulnerable. I love your channel.
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Aww wow Esther this is so beautiful! 🧡💛💚
I am listening to this 8 days postpartum and resonate with your words so much. Thank you for making me feel less alone.
Currently pregnant with my second baby (I’ll have two under two) and definitely needed this.
I also already muted/unfollowed a lot of mom related pages, I realized that’s what gave me so much anxiety the first time around, I was trying to do everything “right” but there is no overall “right” thing to do! I’m ready to do what needs to be done this time around and not focus on what everyone else is doing.
You’re “Do what works until it doesn’t” thing is the best thing I’ve heard. I’m almost 3 months in with my first and I say that to myself all the time.
Yassss.. same girl! I'm a first time mom of a 3 month old and this happened to me this week. The first 3 months were sooo hard and I really contemplated my life choices.
Me too! My baby girl is 4 months and I felt the same thing.
Me too, my baby boy is 3 months old.
I completely agree, my son is also 3 months old and I’m really starting to embrace the fact that I’m his mom and that i love being his mom and a home maker! Growing up my mom always talked down on the idea of being “barefoot and pregnant” basically that a man just wanted you stuck at home being a baby maker and a maid. I was terrified of becoming that because she made it sound SO horrible and like a trap that men try to suck women into. But now that i have my son and I’m a SAHM I realize THIS is what I’ve always wanted! I WANT the white picket fence house and BBQs with your neighbors that you can borrow sugar from. I want to do crafts with my kids and host slumber parties over the summer. I want to be the one who makes our house a home, a safe and cozy place that you know is there at the end of the day so you can take risks while away from it… i want to make what i didn’t have growing up. I love my son, my fiancé, and this role i was so scared of because i thought it was a trap. I honestly can’t imagine life any other way
As soon as my baby came out, and they plays her little warm body on my chest, I just sobbed and I think I continue to stop until today and she’s two weeks old and every time I cry it’s out of pure joy because I can’t believe she’s here and I love her so much and our bond has been really helping me navigating motherhood and decoding what she wants and needs and each of her little cry and let her baby noise I think it’s harder for some people, but I knew that it was going to be easy for me because this might sound funny but everybody I’ve ever met told me that I was very motherly and nurture it’s just with my nature and I have a nine year old little Yorky that I raise him the same way and he’s very very intelligent he literally will talk to you about what he wants and needs a calm little dog and I hate to compare, but I feel like little babies are the same if you quiet down and patience and listen, they’ll tell you what they want and needs. In the last two weeks and becoming a mother, I found myself getting frustrated at times, but then I have to remind myself that she is adjusting to the new life and she’s having a hard time and it’s my job to guide her through it and so I just and breathe out and create a peaceful environment and protect that peace as much as I could so I can be present for her and that’s really been helping. She’s a really happy baby. She smile And like day of birth and she smiles every day and I’m just so in love and I don’t know what life is without her
I was crying by 5:25 into this video. Thank you! I have an 18 month old and this hit home for me. I do need to stop trying to incorporate my daughter into “my life” (my life before becoming a mom) and look at it from this perspective. She is my life, we are in this together. So eye opening. I was lucky enough to quit working a few months ago and stay home with her. We took her out of daycare and it was a big change because now I care for her 100% of the time and it is a lot, but I love it. My issue was feeling like people judge you like, “well why can’t you come to my wedding in Scotland?”, welllll 2 years ago, sure! Let’s go! But I am not about to put my 4 month old (this happened last year) or myself through that. Not necessary. Then there’s judging yourself for not having the same body you had before getting pregnant; same hair, skin, abs, etc. I’ve started to finally appreciate my body and accept that some things will Never be the same again, but the trade off is so worth it. Finally starting to feel like a human again, just not the same human that I was before having my baby. I’m a new person and I’m finally beginning to love this person. Seriously, thank you again for everything you said. Knowing you’re not alone and you’re not the only person that feels this way is a giant weight off my shoulders. This is the first video of yours I’ve ever seen but I’m am subscribing to your channel because of this. Congrats Mom, you’re doing a great job! ❤️
It has taken 6 years for me to feel this shift into being "mom", oh my god. thank you for this message
SIX YEARS 😭 Hopeful message…but kind of not lol
We waited a long time to start our family, but I absolutely adore being a Mama. I love being able to stay home with our son and watch him learn, grow and experience every little thing for the first time. I believe it is such a huge blessing from God!!!
i feel like i sometimes need to take 5 minutes to realize, that my son (14 months) will only be this little, now. Tomorrow, he will learn something new, say something new, be more independent, so im trying, every day, to take those small moments of what he needs from me today. The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait. But our mom feelings, we need to acknowledge them. We arent losing any parts of ourselves, we are evolving. I love the mom i am, even though i dont do "instagram" mom things, or pinterest mom things. Feel your feelings, they are valid!
Love that you’re viewing motherhood as a gift!! The narrative that mothers are martyrs etc is starting to really negatively portray all that being a mom could be! ❤️❤️
Yes exactly! I’m tired of all the posts about how awful and all consuming it is to be a mom. Or how moms have such a mountain of mental load as if dads and partners don’t have a huge responsibility in life too.
@@ashleybeazley the narrative may have swung too far the other way, but if you don’t think women carry the entire mental load the majority of the time you’re not paying attention
@@CraftyMoonshine that’s because feminism taught younger generations that they should be an “independent woman” and take care of everything on their own and never to rely on a man. You can’t have it both ways.
I don’t follow that ideology and have a man I can count on who has his own share of mental load. Does he think about what size clothes the kids are in right now or whether or not we need milk, no. But he does worry about when the winter tires need to go on or winterizing the yard, or making sure he is doing all he needs to at work to support his family - or a multitude of other jobs that are his responsibility that I never bother to worry about.
In my opinion a woman who is carrying the entire mental load has chosen poorly in her partner and bought in to feminisms lies about what should make her happy.
This gives me hope, thank you. Only 9 months in. Your sentiments remind me of “respectful parenting” from Janet Lansbury and “simplicity parenting” from Kim John Payne - their podcasts and books changed my whole perspective!
Holy hell, I’m so glad I found your channel. I have been watching a TON of videos about parenthood and bonding with baby when first born. I am 12 weeks pregnant and am already losing my mind with these types of thoughts. I also just watched another video of yours where you broke newborn essentials into categories like “somewhere to put them.” I literally understand on such a deeper level than before.
I’m so glad I watched this video! I’m a single mom, and my daughter is 3. I’m very lucky to not be struggling financially, but I’m struggling just keeping up with life, I work full time and it just all feels so overwhelming! I also still can’t believe I’m a mom most days. Whenever she calls me “mama” I always think to myself “ wow, that’s me! I’m mama!” So what you said about it taking a while to truly sync in is so true! I’m just trying so hard to get this mom thing right..
So love this. Last night my daughter (2yr old) spilled milk everywhere, smelled like cheese and needed a bath at 2am lol. I actually didn't freak out and wallow but enjoyed our bath together. I'm super pregnant and sleep seems like this overshadowing burden I need to fix before #2 arrives, but it'll just be what it is
I wasn't "attached" to either of my babies when they were born too. It took a while for my first and it's going faster with my second. I like what you said about trying to be Shay before kids. I feel that way sometimes, especially about my bod. I used to have killer abs and go on amazing adventure hikes. I know I'll get back to it, it's just going to take a longer time. My first is about to turn 2 and my second just turned 3 months. I have been feeling really blessed to be a stay at home mom and wife. I love making homemade bread and being in charge of my home. It's a ton of work and the hardest thing I've ever done. I used to not want children, was working a 9 to 5 and was miserable. Now I feel so fulfilled and when I think that I might have never had kids it saddens me because I think that's a message that's really pushed on my generation and other women feel the way I used to, don't have kids, and miss the opportunity.
I think you nailed it on The head!! Also the first 6 months are the hardest for me especially when it’s so hard on my body but once they can interact with you or sit on their own I feel like my mindset shifts.
I definitely felt like I had a cloud over me the first 6 months.
I cried while watching this. My first baby is almost 7 months old, and I feel all of this. The feeling like I’m just me with Kids, not mom yet, the feeling of too much input. Not trusting myself, depression anxiety all of it. This resonated with me and encouraged me so much I want to thank you.
I’ve found your channel back when I was single and you were doing full time travel, I was travel nursing at the time and had a lot of money and a lot of freedom so I loved watching all your videos. Then after I got married all the kind of slowed down, (plus The pandemic) and when I got pregnant I found your channel again about pregnancy, motherhood, etc. I find your stuff so informative (in a good way lol), and encouraging. So thank you so much.
Yesssss to the muting of social media accounts!!!! Not that it isn’t helpful info, but I think it is SO important to give ourselves the chance to figure things out in our own without stressing if it’s the right thing because an account on IG says differently. The biggest thing for me was my own self-doubt and not trusting my maternal instincts because I was overwhelmed to the MAX with info online. I was a depressed/anxious mess. This time around I am shutting it the heck and and reflecting on what didn’t work for me last time and what did and focusing on my connection with my baby and family’s needs.
Such a great video! Thank you for bringing up the term "mattresses" (was that the word?🤣🙈), it makes so much sense! For me, the shift also came overnight. And it came when I least expected it! My childrens' father went to his home country for 5 weeks and I was left in the house with our 7,5 months old + 3,5 months pregnant, with the help of my mother. I thought I was going to be beyond exhausted, because that is how I felt like for most of the time in the first 7 months. And then, when I expected frustration, I actually found JOY!!! I am so happy and beyond grateful to spend time with our son, bond with him, cuddle him, we fall asleep together, when we wake up in the mornings, there is nothing in the world I would rather see than HIS cute little face!!! I LOVE this boy!!! So much!!! And it just now shifted from feeling exhausted to feeling joyful. And it's such a blessing!! Also, I really want to feel so positive, cause baby no 2 is already on the way, and I don't want to live in a state of "when will this be over", but "I am enjoying my kids so much right now".
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U pivoted and owned the title mom and all
It comes with and you’re much happier. . Less resistant path = happier you ! 👏🏼
I love this! I am a new person and its ok. Just wish society did not try to push us to go back to "normal" me.
I LOVE your videos! I've said it before, but, THANK YOU!
I still cringe at the idea of "just being a mum"... I'm convinced is because of how little we value that role as a society (or at least the circles where I move?), but also, still struggle to let go of the idea of old me. I think my "idea of me" has certainly evolved though, and as you say, this is not for the next x number of years, this is me, period... I'm a career person AND a mum, both are part of me, and because of that I have to balance things and sacrifice things on both fronts... but also gain a LOT from both, and I'm happy, even if exhausted 😅.
Last thing, not the first time I'me heard it, but OMG, game changer, they're not GIVINF us a hard time, they are HAViNG a hard time themselves!!!! true and GAME CHANGER, thank you for the reminder, thank you for sharing it with those who hadn't heard it before.
you are awesome! Thanks for sharing this, I’m in pretty much same situation as your 1st journey: breastfeeding into 1yr+ and see no end, have a sleep troubled kid, huge change of personal career and lifestyle, but still want a second child. This all put me in great anxiety and pressure, and the sleep triggers me everyday. Thanks for showing me that it might get better once I accepted my identity someday, and that day may come.
LOVE THIS VIDEO!! It took us 18 months plus my husband made us wait 6 years to get married so he could finish his degrees so as someone who wanted to have a baby by 25, having my first at 30 felt like an eternity! It’s unfortunate that there’s so much negativity on a lot of pregnancy and mommy platforms. Thank you for bringing the truth AND the positivity to light. Your post seriously made me emotional in the best way 💕
this video is a really good balance of enjoying motherhood and mindset shifts toward acceptance while acknowledging how hard it is and how much of a learning curve motherhood is. I think over glorifying motherhood in a way that makes it look like all beauty and ease isn't healthy and other the other hand, it's not healthy to swim in a swamp of misery.
My journey into motherhood was such a culture shock in so many similar ways to yours and it took me so much work to get to where i am now. I have always loved my baby, but postpartum duru a pandemic after being a corporate manager was a reallt big shift. I didn't think I would have another baby, but your second experience gives me hope that it can be different.
thanks for this video
thank you for this video! so great that you have found a perspective that works for you and that you are sharing it with the world 😊 i have a 16 month old, and it took me quite a while to feel okay with ‘not being productive’. i had to shift my perspective that being a mom is my job now, i don’t have to focus on making money daily to have worth. i also had to learn to recognize my intrinsic worth without work/motherhood/anything external as I had been relying on effort/accomplishments/etc. to feel valuable as a human before the huge shift of motherhood forced me to slow down.
My sons just turned 3 years old and 9 months old and I literally just had this exact same shift happen last week. Matrescence for the win!
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i’m at the 8 month mark with my first, i really needed this today
I have a 6 yr old, 3.5, 1.5, and newborn.. I needed this so bad. I've been laying here crying and yelling at the kids for being too loud and just all around drowning in this new life with 4 kids..
My son is 6 months old, and I love it all. I love that having a child allowed me to give myself permission to slow down and not worry about what I should be doing, because now it's very clear that he is my priority, and I am also somehow better at doing all the other "shoulds" when there is space for them. And I reeeeeally dislike the "motherhood/parenthood is hard" narrative.Circumstances may make parenthood hard - like postpartum depression, lack of support, lack of financial stability, war. Parenthood itself is not "hard". It is a thing of many many different adjectives, and even the challenges are beautiful, and eeeeven when we are tired. So to me - definitely not helpful to do the "this is hard" thing. There are longer days, there are shorter nights, but all of it is temporary. I am fortunate to be in a position where my circumstances did not cause being a new mom to feel like a struggle. I know that's not everyone. And honestly, the issue is that our society really isn't geared to prioritize bringing up small humans, which is why everyone is so anxious about things that should be able to be taken slow. People need to get back to work, very little paid leave, etc...
Thank you so much for your honesty! I was in a similar boat. My son just turned 2. I feel like I am finally so much happier as a mom (or at least getting there😊) ever since my ruptured ectopic pregnancy about 3 months ago. It really made me realize how fast everything was going and how I just want to enjoy today with my son because I’m not promised anything else ❤
I love the idea of letting babies figure out their sleep schedules. I’m pregnant for the first time and all the recommendations are SO overwhelming! The idea of waking up a comfortably sleeping baby to eat or change has always seemed foreign to me. They’ll definitely let you know when they’re hungry or uncomfortable so why try to force them into a routine if they really need to rest?
This is so mind blowing to me! My son is just over 2 years old and I finally feel like my life isn’t a runaway train recently. I don’t know if it’s that I get help with my PPD/PPA or the “Mattress” you talked about but I remember struggling so hard and not understanding why it was so much easier for my family members who had more kids. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t keeping it together and I had way less responsibility than them! I feel like as mothers we go through our own “leaps” just like our babies and now all the pieces just fell into place! Can’t wait to listen to that podcast! Thanks for all your amazing info 😊
This was wonderful. My daughter is almost 13 months and I am working full time partially from home since she was 6 weeks old. I am happy to learn that I am still in the neurological transition period because I totally identify with the feeling like Anne with kids and not a mother yet which is SO weird to me. I find myself trying to force it (to feel like a mom) and have even been hard on myself for feeling this way. I have def had moments and times where I do feel like a mom and am in total mom mode but it’s like probably 30-40% of the time now. I adore my daughter and have attributed this feeling at times to wanting kids for so long that I felt like maybe I was not worthy to have babies and now that I have her I am still kind of in disbelief. If that makes sense? Anyhow, Thank you for sharing this! You help so much!
I’m soo Happy to hear this helped!!! Knowledge is power!!
I have to say that you are my favourite mum youtube channel. You are so down to earth, relatable and get straight to the point. we don’t have to waste any time with long intros or slideshows, you just come on here to share your experiences and knowledge and it is making a difference in my mama life!
Thanks for making this video, I became a mother a few weeks ago and it’s been challenging to adapt to this change. Your words are very helpful!
This is SOOO GOOD & RIGHT ON to what I have been feeling through my entire journey of motherhood! Thank you for sharing!!
Thanks for this, Shay! I’m just over a month in on this beautiful journey with my daughter and it is definitely a huge change. I’ve mentally accepted that I can’t get half as much “done” as I did before. I love my girl and get excited (usually) when she wakes up so we can do things together. However, it is weird not to feel like my old self. I’ve got so much drive to do the things my old self did, but then find I have no energy or mental capacity for it when I try haha. Flipping between joy and reluctance at the fact that I’ll be WFH PT here soon.
All that to say, I guess, even if it’s wonderful and you had it easy (I feel like I have in many ways), it’s still a transition and still challenging! Thanks for what you said, and thanks for all the moms who commented. It’s encouraging to know we’re not alone. :)
Still trying to figure it out, I try and take it a day at a time. I think I’m close to really being in the mom zone. There are things I would like to do better for sure. However, I just want to say how much I’m enjoying your channel and I do find it helpful. We are trying for number 2 now. So all of your videos are very relevant to me at this time. Thank you again for sharing ❤
I have a 2.5 yo and a 1 month old. When you read your thoughts out loud I cried. I can relate so much to your feelings of “when can I go back to baby free” and having to shift your mindset to feeling blessed for having babies. I have been feeling so overwhelmed and overstimulated that I have been trying to run away from the present time of being with my kids. I was pushing for them to be independent in ways that they weren’t ready to be. After praying every day something in me clicked…I need to immerse myself into motherhood and accept the chaos. Need to stop comparing to life with 1 kid and life before kids. I look at my first born now and think wow Im so blessed to have you instead of thinking can you be quiet and leave me be. It’s been a crazy mindshift and I am so happy to realize it now instead of being miserable for longer. Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings of motherhood. It is helping us moms to be in touch with our “negative” feelings and knowing that it’s okay and normal to feel these things
"Is this life a burden that I need to manage or a gift I need to bask in?" Mic drop. Wow. Thank you.
Such a great video! I feel like I was happy and loved motherhood right away but am actually struggling more now with my 12 month old. I'm trying to just be super mindful of our time together and what her needs are. Sometimes I just have to put work and chores aside and sit and play with her for hours and that's fine!
Same here with my 10 month old! I'm trying to not think of all the things I haven't done in the past year. It's weird not knowing what this next season will be like only knowing it will keep changing.
I can't wait to be at shaylas' mindset!
She said 1.5-4 years so grace! It’s just nice knowing what’s happening!
OMG! I really needed this video .. soooo relieved that I'm not alone having this strange feeling about motherhood!
I definitely wished away the newborn stage when I was in it.
Now I am 1.5 years in and I soooo relate to this video! I’m obsessed with my kid, “mom” is my new identity and I love it.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm still in the progress of changing into it. My first baby is now 7,5 months old and I am still trying to find my new self. I did feel an instant connection and a ton of love the moment I first saw him, but I haven't really felt like myself ever since. I want to enjoy this, but sometimes I just don't know how and then some other days everything is so easy and so fun and we laugh a lot. He has the cutest laugh btw! There are so many new experiences that we are having each day as he is exploring the world and honestly I feel like I'm too exploring and finding a whole new world. We'll get there. With patience. So thanks for your words.
Stumble across your channel, just want to say thanks for sharing. Im new to fatherhood, but wanted to understand mother's point of view to adjust things to make my wife easier transition.
You’re amazing!
I really need to read my books. And do my yoga.
Such a great video.
I've always wanted to be a mom. But I was having a hard time adjusting to being mom self instead of my before self.
I'm 10 months PP, and you explaining matressence was the validation I've been looking for. Immediately started crying. THANK YOU
Same thing same. Almost 18months old baby girl, hard af buuut I’ve welcomed the shift, I’m enjoying it more and more since pregnant with the second cause time fly by sooo dang quick so thx for your video. Can definitely relate to most of them
Currently in the 'fighting it' stage, oh boy. :( I am a woman of many hobbies- reading, writing, gardening, knitting, sewing, spinning- and I feel like that person is gone. I miss being able to sit and knit for an hour. Hell, even 30 minutes. Then I feel so so selfish that I can't just be happy being mum.
It IS hard!! An identity shift you didn’t know was coming is a trip
Took me nine months of motherhood to get there, but here we are 💖 I also had/have severe PPD, therapy and medication have been helpful for me. Good luck to all the new parents out there, we can do this!
My son is two and a half years old and I'm expecting my second baby. I feel like I'm finally getting there. For what feels like the longest time I just wanted to go to work again. I envied my husband for having a life away from the family. But now I can do parts of my job as a hobby, working for a friend, who looks after my son next to me while I work on her website. And I start to feel like I don't actually need to do that anymore. It's fun, but being a mom is becoming my true self. And it's fucking important to care for children and even to clean.
Yaaaaaas!!!!!!!
This has made me feel SO much better about where I’m at in this motherhood journey THANK YOU SO MUCH! It’s a great reminder not to be so hard on myself and get out of my own way thank you for being so honest and raw! Really love your videos, just followed you on insta 💕
You are reading my mind lately! My babe just turned 15 months & I’m justtttt getting it!!! I’m finally enjoying it to the fullest!!! But I think for me it was also PPA, and now that’s over I see it more clearly! I was in therapy but self discovery by myself and with the help of people like Tessa Romero I found the new me! Not the old me, but the new me! We are allowed to change, grow, stretch and enjoy the things we never thought we could🤍I learned to stop fighting with reality!
God this video is SO good. I couldn’t resonate more. I have a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old as well. I keep seeing this “find yourself. Not the mom you” reel and it bothered me too!! Once you become a mother, it’s a complete life shift and it’s so interesting that there is a term for it. Embracing the change and trying to enjoy it is such good advice. I feel like we have to resist it as part of the growing pains and then when we let go, that’s when it really begins. Love this video. I’ll share it with all my momma friends. And I also agree with the idea that it takes 2 years. I’m at 2 and a bit and I’m just starting to feel this way now.
I love this!!! I totally relate. Thank you for sharing Shayla💕💕
I think the fact that it’s such a struggle for moms to get to this place is evidence that modern feminism is so toxic to young girls.
We are told we have to have our careers first and can’t sink into motherhood or it will consume us. That motherhood shouldn’t be your identity. When for so many women the absolute opposite is true.
So happy you found your happy place in your little family ❤
I am so beyond happy I came across your channel today 😭😭
❤️❤️❤️❤️
i needed to hear these things, thank you. I have a 3-month old and birthed him in another country (the father's homeland), and the father left me about 2.5 weeks after birth....so now Im trapped in this foreign country (because the father wants to be involved in baby's life, so i cant come back to the US with the baby) until my son is 18. This has been extremely hard to accept...i havent quite accepted it yet. I still have my career in the US. My friends and family are in the US. I have nothing in France, except for my son. and although I love him, i dont feel super attached to him. So it's incredibly reassuring to hear that someone else felt the same way, and that i need to (and will grow into this mindset eventually) change my thought of 'old Rachel with a child'. I used to travel the world, surfing and for ,my job and im terrified to give that up. its all I know. but again, it's good to know that i can work on changing my perspective into 'mother' and realize that my son is a blessing and not a burden.
I'm not even a mom yet but will have a newborn around June. Your channel is so helpful because I can see some of the things I might need to let go or rework in my life to give myself more happiness and have a more laid back mom attitude, which would be great. For me, the more information I have, the less scared I am
I was one that jumped all in pretty quickly but this whole mindset has put a LOT into perspective on my husband and his shift into becoming a "dad" instead of "man with kids"
I also love "she's not giving me a hard time. She's HAVING a hard time." ❤️
I could not agree more! I felt like it took me a solid ten months to a year to start to begin feeling like a mom. It felt so incredibly hard and overwhelming in the beginning. And now I feel like it is the absolute greatest part of my life and such a privilege. I love being with my son every day. He is a blessing
Wow! Everything you were describing with your first I'm going through with my first! Thank you for making this video, it is so encouraging!
Omgosh thank you. Thank you thank you thank you!!! Exactly what i need right now to help me.
One of my big problems as a first time mom is dealing with resentment towards my baby (10 months). I love her so so much, but the pregnancy gave me hypothyroidism, and i went from being active and engaging to barely being alive. No one realised this until 5 months when i lost part of my vision for a while - up until this point, doctors, nurses and midwife thought it was post partum depression and advised group therepy. I'm only now getting stable with medicine, and I sometimes look at her and resent her for what she did to me and resent my past self for wanting a child. The love is growing, but there are still lapses every once in a while, and I feel like I'll eventually get settled in the new 'me', both with chronic illness, and motherhood.
*Hugs* I have hypothyroidism too. I hope you have been getting the help you need! When my thyroid levels are good again, I have more energy and it’s easier to be active.
I'm due with my first in Feb...and this is the video I needed today. ❤️
Thanks for this video! I have a toddler girl (27 months) and a baby girl (7 weeks). I feel so much what you are sharing here! Thanks 😊
Thank you! This is just what I needed to hear. I went into motherhood excited, knowing that this had always been my dream, feeling that this was my purpose in life and surely I’d be a natural. As soon as my son arrived I felt scared, consumed by anxiety, overwhelmed and in way over my head. I’ve pretty much felt like that for the last 18 months of my life. That’s not to say I don’t love him, of course I adore him, he’s absolutely everything. But it’s hard, soooooo hard, and I thought I’d be better at it. I’m disappointed in myself for not being better at it. I feel so ashamed and selfish that I need some time for myself. But what you shared makes so much sense. I’m really interested to listen to your podcast about matrescence. I feel like my brain is all jumbled, like it’s right in the middle of deep reorganisation and I’m desperate to come out the other side. Thanks for sharing. It made me feel a bit more normal ❤️
Omg this podcast is for you!! It will be out Nov 10th!!
Sometimes when our expectations aren’t are reality is a harder hit. But I bet you’re the best mom for your babe!!
The thought that it takes 2-3 years for your brain to rewire to being a momma is comforting. My daughter is about to be two, and my husband and I are trying for another, but at times, I feel like I have to fight to be anything “more.” I love my life as mommy, but it’s tough to get away from the desire to be the “me without kids.” I am hopeful that my experience with having a second child will be similar to yours. I do feel more prepared with knowledge and loose plans for handling another infant. :) Here’s hoping. ❤
I'm also a mom to a 2.5 month old and now 8 month old. I feel exactly the same way. 100% more confident this time around and more present and in it. I go through ups and downs of "I got this!" And "Oh my god I have 2 kids what am I doing?"... but mostly trying to enjoy how much they need me right now, because before I know it they will be completely independent.
The background 🤩🤩!! Looks amazing, love your content so much so lucky to have found you on RUclips before I had my babe! And so happy to keep watching as she grows
Loved this video. Had a close friend recently tell me that I'm going to miss the person who I was before kids and burn out. The truth is is that I love being a mom and this is the best version of myself I have ever been and ever loved. Your IG post is what I needed to hear to validate what I was feeling. Thank you!
I'm about to give birth to my 4 child
Motherhood is so much more than about ourselves or our children
It's a gift that not so many women experience even as mothers
Thanks for sharing
Thank you for this video! Im 6 months pregnant with our first. And really worried that I may not enjoy motherhood at all, even though its all I've ever wanted! Being able to morn the loss of my single slef, stepping into wife, and then morning that and stepping into motherhood and wife combo. It feels liberating! I have been trying to do things that I did while single, but im a wife now, so stepping into that. Anyway - Thank you.
It’s funny, I feel the exact same way and we both had kids the exact same time 😂 I literally was telling my husband this same stuff the other day! Feels so much better, house isn’t perfectly clean? Oh well
You are absolutely amazing and kicking mothering's ass. I feel everything you're saying. I'm a mom of 8 with 8 years between them and going from 1 to 2 wasn't as easy as people say. But I'm here to say thank you for being you and being candid about EVERTHING!!
Did you say a mom of 8?!
@@heyshayla oh God no! Wow. That's what I get for listening to your channel, working from home and wrangling a 13 month old! Only a mom of 2 here.
I have a three month old this week and the first 6 weeks were incredibly difficult. I've slowly gotten more comfortable leaving home with her and love that I get to be a full-time stay at home mom. It's the only job I can imagine doing. When I feel tired and irritated, I remember the huge blessing it is to provide for her and get to watch her grow up. She gives my life immense purpose! I want so many more! 🙃
I am at this stage right now and had now idea everything that you are feeling is spot on for me. This is so helpful. Thank you.
“This role is temporary” is what got me
Same here! I leaned into mom. I love being with my daughter. It is tough and it is overwhelming especially at meal time but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here. She is my temporary priority since baby #2 will come in 2023.
I get it. I have a 10 month old and I am staying home with her almost 24 seven. I have a very close bond with my baby I definitely feel like a mother I got hit with that a lot sooner but I also I’ve always wanted to be a mother and there were only a few short years that I forgot about that because I needed to.
I track of my babies stuff, nine as much as I used to, but the most important thing that I track is her sleeping and it’s super helpful. I don’t want to sleep more than two hours during the day, she’s down to two naps a day, otherwise she will not sleep in at night. But she is not as sad as your kid, sometimes that she only sleeps for 10 hours total in the 24 hour period sometimes she sleeps for 14 hours. It’s usually more like 12 but that’s only about half the week.
I keep trying to remind myself to be present for her because this is not gonna last that much longer we are trying for another child and I’m gonna have all these distractions and I have pets and I have work and I have chores and sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough time for her or I’m pushing her aside it too often. The most difficult thing about my life right now is when I have obligations but she is being needy, but the applications I have are for her benefit and I need to tend to them but I can’t do it while I’m holding her and I need to try to push as much in her naptime as possible but I need to take a nap too and that’s very stressful for me But watching videos like yours health because it makes me feel like I’m not alone and what I’m going through and that helpful advice and optimism :-)
I think I had a Point to that post originally but I am needing to get to a task that I need to put my phone down and it lost track of my thought train. Oh well
This is so amazing. This is supposed to be the Christian perspective of motherhood. The role God made for women. Our society at large has been in such a war with God that it has convinced us that it is a trap. When in reality it’s like you said a blessed phase of life to be embraced and enjoyed. Its laying your life down without hesitation like our God did when he became a man and showed us how to live selflessly and died to pay for our sins. Motherhood is a picture of Gods self-sacrificial love for us. It’s cool that you are expressing the very sentiment of motherhood God created us for. Willingly and joyfully laying down our lives for another. ❤
I couldn't love this more! Good for you for embracing motherhood and then saying that you do! I'm right there with you! I feel like I started to hit my stride around 20 months but it's always hard to say if something feels better because you finally realized a system was working for you, or the kid got through a tough phase, but I think it's great that you pointed out that we actually are learning and changing and acclimating to motherhood as a whole. So so good!
Yes, love this, what a great attitude and paradigm shift.
I had 4 little people in 5 years and 3 months and wow, my brain really shifted. Though I loved aspects of being a mom immediately I felt very fragmented as a person, I lost a lot of my memories of my adult life leading up to being a mom (which is interesting because I have an uncanny memory of my childhood.) Even now with my oldest just turning 6 this month and my youngest being past the half year mark I am feeling more whole everyday. So much more awareness of how quickly the little years go, I’m alive to the process and- as you were saying- yes I have hard moments but I’m basking in being a mom. I’m loving it. And interestingly my memory of my early 20s is beginning to return too.
How You talk is exactly how I talk in my brain to myself. But in front of others I gauge almost every word I utter. Love listening to you.!!!❤️
I love this whole video! Especially when you talked about motherhood seeming like less of a burden when you stopped thinking about it as ‘shea with kids’ & started thinking of yourself as a mom. This really hit home for me. I definitely feel the same way
I wanted to be a mother sooo much. I was like in heavan my whole pregnancy. Then my child was born and I was so stressed out and not happy at all about all the changes that a baby brings in life. Now my kid is 2y7m old and I'm expecting my second child- he will join our family in march 2023. I have completely change into a mother now and I LOVE it! It really was like puberty for me, cuz both in puberty and as a new mom I've been questioning everything about myself and at some point turned into "new, better me". I feel like It's kinda like going from caterpillar to a butterfly 😁
This is the video I didn't know I needed. I didn't realize I was trying to get back to pre-baby me until you pointed it out but now that I see it, I'm thinking about the huge mindset shift that needs to take place. Thank you, Shayla.
Feeling all of this as I am almost 40 weeks with my first. I am also 42 so it's a new chapter for sure. Thank you for sharing 💜
I'm not struggling with feeling like a mom, but doing things as a mom. I'm not trying to recreate my pre-motherhood self, I just want to take a shower or make dinner without someone screaming at me the whole time
I’d check out how to talk so littles will listen. It has made such a huge difference!
@@heyshayla Thank you so much for replying! its been a tough mom week
This is lovely, thanks Shayla. I'm still fairly early on - my baby is 13 months - so I'm sure there's more personal growth yet to come, but I do remember in the first few months I kept trying to find time to play video games, and it was always just a flop. I finally just gave up and accepted that it's not currently the season for that - I'm busy with my baby. It did feel freeing.
I sobbed through the whole video. I have a 2 year old and found myself this weekend thinking constantly how much I hate being a mom and feel like it's one the worst choices I've ever made. I want to enjoy it more so badly. I kept telling myself I'm a good mom having a hard time and he's a good kid having a hard time, that helped. Thanks for making this video. We are going through a big life transition that he is struggling with. While I feel like I'm trying to be curious and understand he's dysregulated/in need of connection during "tantrums," the constant-ness of it wrecks me.
This shift has started for me THIS WEEK. My oldest was born July 2020 and my youngest came in November 2021 and I have really resonated with so much of your experience. I CANNOT WAIT for that podcast episode to come out! I love that you’re talking about this. Also, YES TO FIFTEEN. 😂👏🏻👏🏻
THANK YOU!!! This video is exactly what I needed 😭 that newborn phase was so hard for me and I still don't feel like a mom just me with kids and everything you said is helping me so much!!! Thank you!!! I'm so glad to know it's a phase I'm growing into and I don't need to "bounce back" your videos are always so helpful!
This is one of your best videos. Thank you sharing! I'm 18mo into motherhood with my first and still don't feel 100% like myself. So encouraging to know things change!