THIS Is What A Fearful Avoidant THINKS They Need to Be Happy

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  • Опубликовано: 23 ноя 2024

Комментарии • 65

  • @ingeclaeys3761
    @ingeclaeys3761 25 дней назад +13

    Im FA. Asking for help, showing my vulnerable side (crying, saying I'm hurt, ...) is very very hard. It takes a lot to do so. When I end up asking for help or show my vulnerable side and I'm unheard/unseen... it truly crushes me. When it happens a few to many times with the same person, I get very spiteful. I'm working to becoming secure. It isn't easy, but I just want this to stop.

  • @tiffanysollis9453
    @tiffanysollis9453 25 дней назад +14

    I think while Fearful Avoidant people can experience the most turmoil to understand the triggers they experience, they ALSO have the greatest capacities ONCE SECURE to relate to the rest of the world.
    This is because they empathetically see and personally understand the core wounds of Anxious Prepoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, and fellow Fearful Avoidant individuals.

  • @Warrior_Princess_1111
    @Warrior_Princess_1111 26 дней назад +20

    I'm a FA and I think we can be the toughest style to have a relationship with. If you're too AP then you're going to scare us off but if you're too DA we can switch to our anxious side which can be messy and emotionally unstable. This is when all parties aren't healed or doing some work of course. I laugh to myself when I see some FA's get mad at their avoidant partner or ex because they're under the impression that they are somehow healthier than a DA and I'm sorry but absolutely not and I'm calling myself out in this too. 😅

  • @r.j.8220
    @r.j.8220 25 дней назад +14

    You can hear the residual DA in his responses to Thais’ questions. DAs seem to need a lot of catering to. It sounds like FAs will “do the work” bc they see the worth in the DA. However , DAs will only work if it benefits them. Thais always stresses that IF there isn’t reciprocity or you’re sacrificing your relationship needs to meet the needs of the DA, that this might not be the relationship for you. Tough combo.

    • @WrittenMysteries
      @WrittenMysteries 25 дней назад +4

      Every style thinks the others are selfish.

    • @r.j.8220
      @r.j.8220 25 дней назад

      @@WrittenMysteries- true…

  • @ropesofpearls9758
    @ropesofpearls9758 26 дней назад +11

    An FA is the most difficult attachment style, I think. Being with an FA is an emotional rollercoaster! An absolute emotional pendulum!

    • @jenniferrassart3054
      @jenniferrassart3054 26 дней назад +3

      I am an anxious attacher (working hard to become more secure), and I personally like the anxious side of a FA much more than the avoidant side. He leaned mostly avoidant when we met and that was horrible. I felt unloved, unheared and lonely all the time. And I was very confused (not knowing anything about attachment styles back then)...

    • @Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
      @Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life 26 дней назад +4

      Agreed. Before I started working on myself, I had no idea what triggers were and why I would feel and act the way I did. I would never date a FA who wasn't self-aware or leaned somewhat secure.

  • @mahourahmadi7090
    @mahourahmadi7090 24 дня назад +2

    Ever since I discovered this channel, I've been braking to tears each time I hear my behavior broken down to a T.
    I wished to see correlations between different attachment styles and big five characteristics.
    I would like to say, sometimes ppl may have highly sensitive personality traits, plus OCD, and the same time FA. OCD is mostly genetically inherited, and it is something you are born with and you may just become able to manage it. But you can imagine how stress levels caused by OCD, toxic shame perfectionism tide with it can be scaled up with FA problems. Sometimes you feel so disappointed because you think, why am I kinda punished, where I am trying more than anyone I know, and it seems counterproductive!
    It is so hard to know how to deal with all of those issues, where you also have positive associations towards a lot of those things in your mind.
    Any way thanks for the work you are doing!

  • @yamieden4350
    @yamieden4350 26 дней назад +2

    She is definitely amazing, through her Ive learned about my anxious preoccupied attachment. I wasn't showing up for my own needs and placing boundaries and had protest behavior. It was very eye-opening and also helped me understand not to take many other things do personally and standing in my truth and understanding my own non negotiables and boundaries.

  • @sadiqua7
    @sadiqua7 26 дней назад +8

    Omg! I had a boss who literally made me have a 1:1 meeting to discuss my facial expression in a group team meeting we had. I was so put off..she actually was threatening to fire me because I looked annoyed. If she had, I definitely would’ve had a case for HR. Ridiculous. Thankful I was able to find a better position with less pointless team meetings so I could actually do my job instead of meet to discuss my job every week.
    I was raised by 2 alpha women. One avoidant and one anxious. Both will periodically make a comment on my facial expression to this day so I have to be very careful to have no expression when in their presence or be overly happy and positive. Often my mom would ask me what I was thinking about when I was quiet on the weekly drive to or from church which was a 40 min ride. Often I was just zoned out thinking about nothing. Now she will periodically tell me she’s not involved in my life. Just a few months ago I had to tell her that I’m not that interesting..you’re not missing anything!! It’s rough having her want to wear my skin and yet be so closed off about her coming and goings. She’s pressured me into going on an annual mother daughter vacation. Sigh. Mind you, she lives 5 min from me. She’d be happy if I lived across the street from her. She is in a constant state of fomo. Her input includes judgement and that’s what I actively try to avoid. I’m in my 40’s!!
    Now I see why I get into relationships with men where they are avoidant, I preferred a partner that wouldn’t want to live inside my skin. But now I see that over time their aloofness makes me lonely. Yet a guy wanting to spend all their free time with me feels smothering. I need a happy medium.

    • @WrittenMysteries
      @WrittenMysteries 26 дней назад +3

      There are many jobs where pulling a face can get you fired. Legit. Restaurant servers get canned every day for that. Lawyers can be held in contempt for it. Yeah it’s not a good idea.

    • @Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
      @Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life 26 дней назад +2

      Oh man. I'm a SA/FA. Is face making a thing with us? 😂 I've been told this. I will be thinking of something and I either look perplexed or mad or spacey and I'm not really sure what to do about this. It's my face. Lol
      Yes a happy medium is the perfect combination. I don't date super anxious men anymore and unhealed FA's are too unpredictable. Severe avoidants are not for me either. Someone who tows the line of SA/DA is good for me.
      "Live inside my skin" is an amazing description. Lol

    • @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
      @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool  26 дней назад +1

      Sounds like you've been through some unique uncomfortable experiences. - Thank you for your vulnerable share

  • @Dilipbamaniya-cf1hh
    @Dilipbamaniya-cf1hh 26 дней назад +3

    this video literally came in the perfect moment in my life, love you

  • @aamacphisto
    @aamacphisto 26 дней назад +3

    Great video! A video about the FA's perspectives would be phenomenal! (Perspectives on No Contact, on the breakup, when they are criticized, when they are jealous etc.)

  • @spacecat8511
    @spacecat8511 26 дней назад +2

    I’m FA, but with my adhd and just *can’t* emotionally regulate or have my thoughts not come out as a very Candid Stream of Conciousness if I share them at all…I end up either avoiding talking at all or fill a silence with chatter and sometimes risk oversharing. So people think I’m more vulnerable than I actually am.
    The real vulnerability is people seeing my emotions when I can’t immediately disengage and flee to try and reregulate, or accidentally having my tone snap even if my words aren’t actually harsh…and getting judged for it.
    And I’m downright pigheaded about not wanting to ask for help or accept help being offered-especially when it’s in front of other people. I can’t control when the waterworks turn on. But actually depending on other people for anything other than Taking In Information? FORGET IT. I’d rather rub my skin the wrong way with sandpaper.
    But…with one friend (okay so I kinda like him but this is a chunk of why I do) being Probably FA Too noticing when I’d actually have chronic pain flareups or get upset and withdraw further and then try to nonverbally “fix” things…and then would ask what was wrong…okay. That’s what finally had me sharing “so…this is what’s in my head.” Because he’d already noticed. And I didn’t want to deal with an Erroneous Narrative (he wouldn’t have judged me Like Everyone Else; he’d seen more than enough at the time if he were going to, yet didn’t) but. I did NOT want to deal with the Wrong Conclusion either. (He has come to a Wrong Conclusion before after that and it got us hurt vs just asking me. We’ve sorted that out, and he assured me that what caused that won’t be an issue again.)
    He’s not as forth coming. But he lets me see how he’s feeling, and I’ve generally can wager a pretty good guess about what he needs to hear to feel better. And I’m someone he can just be silent with vs On, especially when “dude anyone would be distressed” so…he doesn’t mask with me, even if he “shares more” with others. But…yeah. I’m not someone he needs to Mask with, I think.
    So…we’re both getting there. And I think we’re both fed up with dysfunctional family/community dynamics, so we’re practicing healthier ones with eachother.

    • @live.life.secure.coaching
      @live.life.secure.coaching 24 дня назад

      Love this so much! Thank you for sharing. I have an SA/DA friend who I'm super tight with and it is so so so nice to just be vulnerable and transparent with each other ❤❤❤ we've gone through a lot so we're able to just be 100% ourselves and it's incredibly refreshing. It's been one of the relationships in my life that had helped me grow the most.
      PS. The sandpaper line in your comment made me laugh so hard. I felt that deep in my soul. I needed to ask for a ride when my car was out of service and my whole body shut down as I was sending the message. It's excruciating to depend on others 😂

  • @bandida99
    @bandida99 26 дней назад +2

    the entire convo , but, ...55:00 +++++ hello mirror ! this is SO good. So necessary! thank you for sharing! i am so relieved to hear you both share. I am FA leaning DA sometimes since i was little. I have journaled about this for decades but never heard anyone else speak about it. Beautiful humble truths to come through. one year into doing the work

    • @Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
      @Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life 26 дней назад +3

      I agree. The difference between myself now and back when I was more unhealed is insane! Doing the work is so worth it. ❤

  • @muuhwi
    @muuhwi 21 день назад

    01:05:18 is absolutely me. After watching TONS of videos, I was sure I was AP…with slight avoidant tendencies. But I still felt, it didn’t fit 100%. A few days ago I took the quiz and turns out I‘m FA. I baffles me, how I didn’t see it before. Now I‘m really starting to do the work. I feel so called out in this video, btw.
    This content is so valuable 🤲

  • @je098-j2l
    @je098-j2l 6 дней назад

    I would be happy if he is happy.. even with other girl, I forgave him though he treated me like a queen just to throw me out like a trash! Just because he treated me like that, it doesn't mean I am trash! Im someone's precious daughter and sister! I wish God gives a beautiful family to him where he feels belonged likewise!

  • @BradHolderman
    @BradHolderman 24 дня назад +1

    I Don't know if you've ever addressed it, but have you addressed autism and attachment styles? I was part of the PDS for a while and I struggled and it wasn't until I got diagnosed that it all made sense

  • @AHIR.D
    @AHIR.D 26 дней назад +72

    its hard to put into words, but the book Magnetic Aura from Talesio completely changed my life and it's not new age bs

  • @PaigeYesLee
    @PaigeYesLee 26 дней назад

    Thank You Thais 😊🙏

  • @KA-ux9qb
    @KA-ux9qb 21 день назад

    Just wondering which type of attachment would like to be controlled?
    Please and thank you go a really long way with me. Simple kindness and consideration should be the norm in all relationships.

  • @MetaPhysStore0770
    @MetaPhysStore0770 8 дней назад +1

    He IS CONTROLING, he keeps gaslighting her thru this whole video. Im shocked he is unaware that his gaslighting is contrioling behavior.
    He said you gotta tell an DA over and over to get something done to help out the FA out then why would FA keep asking and asking when its a hassle to get the DA to help? Thats unrealistic.
    Also at 37:00 he "dismissed" her admitting to being introverted becuz it dosnt fit what he envisions her to be based on brief her "performative" interactions on a podcast, he was gaslighting her that shes "not introvereted" becuz hes unrealistic and cant accept that of her, forcing her on to this undesreved pedestal, that she tried to be honest and refute, so typical of a DA exploitative thinking, "your so amazing, of course you carry the weight of the world, but not me i have a million excuses"
    And he says DAs are acceptable by doing a few half hearted things and cant honestly see the DA half heartedness would be a deal breaker if somebody else did that to them.

  • @MadameChrista
    @MadameChrista 14 дней назад

    So confusing. I think I have a mixture of anxious, dismissive, and fearful avoidance, and secure attachment style. Based on all the videos I've listened to from your podcasts, I can not pin point which category I fit in. There are times, moments, and certain circumstances, depending on my mindset, where I am secure. I think some of it is engrained in us, but sometimes it's a mindset or maturity or reaction in the moment. I am constantly trying to evaluate myself and others to try to maintain good, healthy, long term relationships. What is your input on this, to help my understanding, perspective, personal growth, and well-being?

  • @KA-ux9qb
    @KA-ux9qb 21 день назад

    Some of Mike's discussions about how a FA didn't tell him what was wrong didn't sound very DA.... A little too healed and secure.😊 Wouldn't a DA want to avoid to conversation too?

  • @ShamsherSingh-u1l1v
    @ShamsherSingh-u1l1v 26 дней назад

    good video yet again, thank you love ❤️

  • @jaredvaughan1665
    @jaredvaughan1665 24 дня назад +1

    I have discovered that the vast majority of "narcissists" described on narcissim RUclips channels are anxious-avoidant (aka fearful avoidant).
    With half the channels describing the "narcissist" as leaning anxious. The other half describing the "narcissist" as leaning avoidant.
    Ramani's "narcissist" is an FA that leans anxious. Les Carter's "narcissist" is an FA that leans avoidant.

    • @aw.8860
      @aw.8860 9 дней назад

      How do you know the difference between a Fearful avoidant and a Narcissist so clearly? Really interested in your theory

  • @bandida99
    @bandida99 26 дней назад

    love this convo; thank you:)

  • @WrittenMysteries
    @WrittenMysteries 26 дней назад +5

    Watching this I'm reminded that Attachment Theory is in its infancy as a science. They still think DA laziness comes from low energy, then they're perplexed on how FAs with similar trauma can be so driven. They tip-toe around dissociation without ever seeing it.

    • @johnnova6999
      @johnnova6999 26 дней назад

      What do you think DA laziness comes from ? Just curious not saying I agree or disagree with anything.

    • @WrittenMysteries
      @WrittenMysteries 26 дней назад +9

      @@johnnova6999 DAs are low-key dissociated 24/7. it’s well known in the trauma world that dissociation leads to forgetfulness, procrastination, social avoidance, and the ‘laziness” effect.

    • @AliValentine143
      @AliValentine143 26 дней назад +3

      I agree that DA is in a state of dissociation. FA is hyper-vigilant. I consider myself "lazy" as a healing-FA but I can see now I'm harder on myself, have high expectations of me, not others, and when I go down I do so hard.

    • @LoremIpsumPeach
      @LoremIpsumPeach 26 дней назад +3

      I feel like FAs are so driven from adrenaline. Their black and white thinking makes them passionate about many things. But being a sympathetic nervous system mode also creates a sense of dissociation. I'm fa and feel dissociated most of the time due to always feeling triggered or recovering from a trigger. The wanting to escape the trigger and intense highs and lows creates a lot of energy imo. What do you guys think

    • @WrittenMysteries
      @WrittenMysteries 26 дней назад +6

      @@LoremIpsumPeach FAs will care and care and care until they overload into trigger dissociation. DAs have no care and thus maintain a steady low-level dissociation.

  • @AM-wq2cz
    @AM-wq2cz 25 дней назад +4

    Ok. He did annoy me … a-lot in this one. He just doesn’t seem to understand us. And he seems to think FA’s are BPDs, which they are very different. Ironically we ( FA & DA) are more similar than different

    • @KA-ux9qb
      @KA-ux9qb 21 день назад

      I think I agree with you. Not all FA's are freaking out at people all the time. I thought I was FA, but I rarely "behaved badly".. maybe I was more secure than I knew. I relate to an FA being hypervigilant, giving, and caring, seeing people. Mostly trying to stay out of "trouble", but on occasions my dismissive side came out more than my anxious.
      Wish they would discuss the types of FA's. I know Thais had like 3 or 4 kinds posted somewhere. Not all FA's are borderline crazy or narcissistic as some other attachment gurus tend to imply. Saying FA's are the worst seems odd because lots of FA's are very open to change and self-improvement, far more than my real life anxious friends who just stay stuck.

    • @MetaPhysStore0770
      @MetaPhysStore0770 8 дней назад

      Yeah, he acts like its just "normal" to ask a DA over and over for support or remind over and over to do supportive tasks when your in need, seems like unrealistic beliefs

  • @TM-pn3zk
    @TM-pn3zk 21 день назад

    I need people to realise how evil government is, otherwise it;s pointless to be around them or have a friendship because I would have to mask too much which is exhausting

  • @aw.8860
    @aw.8860 9 дней назад

    Are FAs more triggered by the people they love or wanted to be loved by?

  • @caphulk5553
    @caphulk5553 26 дней назад

    Great videos

  • @valentine-p2r
    @valentine-p2r 26 дней назад +5

    I'm guessing this guy doesn't have kids 🤔 You don't have time to be resentful when people need a favor if you have kids

  • @KA-ux9qb
    @KA-ux9qb 26 дней назад +3

    Poking? Then we are accused of nagging.🤔

    • @Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life
      @Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life 26 дней назад

      I must have missed that part. What was the context? I was watching this running in and out of places yesterday so I know I missed some things.

    • @WrittenMysteries
      @WrittenMysteries 26 дней назад +4

      @@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life around the 20 minute mark they discussed helping with chores. Mike said he could be persuaded to help, with a bit of poking to "remind" him several times.

  • @caphulk5553
    @caphulk5553 26 дней назад

    I have a great question if has a man in a relationship and u dont give her sex then does that make her want u more? 3 years into the relationship

    • @ingeclaeys3761
      @ingeclaeys3761 25 дней назад +1

      are you trying to manipulate through sex or has your sex life dwindled down and you're trying to find a way to get more sexual connection?

  • @jaredvaughan1665
    @jaredvaughan1665 24 дня назад

    Are you paying for advertisements on your own channel????

  • @DineshVanjara-vp1ic
    @DineshVanjara-vp1ic 26 дней назад

    if you're seeing this comment, it might be a sign to read 'Magnetic Aura' from Talesio ❤️

  • @martinchmarak3017
    @martinchmarak3017 26 дней назад

    this video literally came in the perfect moment in my life, love you

  • @X_-_M_-_C_-_Stan
    @X_-_M_-_C_-_Stan 26 дней назад

    good video yet again, thank you love ❤️

  • @JayantaHansda-tl3oj
    @JayantaHansda-tl3oj 26 дней назад

    if you're seeing this comment, it might be a sign to read 'Magnetic Aura' from Talesio ❤️