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I had a DA tell me on a Friday he wanted me….and he didn’t want me to stop wanting him….then GHOST me…for no reason. Just never heard from him again….he claimed he was secure too and not a DA anymore…I lost all respect for this man and realized what a complete fake and liar he was! This made me laugh though!
Only good part about the breakup was seeing the shock on the avoidants face when I said it was on her, the breakup. Like she couldn't comprehend the sabotage and fault finding traits are flawed behaviors. You can get better at relationships avoidants but you gotta own it
More longer form videos on why DAs ignore you when you tell them that they've hurt you . Why they choose to ignore you and ice you out upon the expression of emotion . And also why they choose to chase you once you have shut down emotionally . Me personally as an FA with diagnosed anxiety and adhd I do shut down when I'm hurt or emotionally drained or even have a vulnerability hangover and usually hope that my partner chases me because then I know they care enough to solve conflict and fix certain areas in the relationship and just cares about the overall success of the relationship . I hate being made to feel like my feelings don't matter or are never acknowledged. I also feel like using logic over emotion is a problem everytime with DAs and my feelings are intellectualized and on top of that being ignored triggers me to no end .
@the_blue_lotus_portal Ma'am this is a judgement free zone and I'm just sharing my emotional experience. I have taken accountability for my own crap but it doesn't mean I still don't struggle. The comments I leave on this channel are pure curiosity and me wanting to understand with so little information I'm given. I'm sure all FAs can agree with me or have experienced the same thing in different ways as we are more emotional people and have the most trauma of all of the attachment styles. Something Thais talks about a former FA herself. Obviously i have wanted and have put in work as I'm the one who found attachment theory 3 years ago. Let's be respectful.
Mine broke with me at the beginning of a 2hour car ride home. All weekend I tried to stay out their way, we even had times of fun. After she told me that this is the first time she’s been camping and not had fun. Always statements like “why can’t you just let me enjoy my vacation” and I’m not even doing anything. Idk man. The ignorant remarks to try and break me down. If she comes around She’ll never get close to me ever again
I recently discovered Alexithymia. It’s a condition/spectrum where people find it hard to understand or sometimes even feel their emotions. They might feel the sensations in their body but not be able to relate it to their emotions/how they’re feeling. It can be a Compton condition but also stand alone. For anyone who is or is dating an avoidant, I think it’s worth researching.
So sad to know if they do the work it could be a match made in heaven. I’m a ap but have had a lot of counseling and have worked on myself and I see everything he’s doing but he doesn’t try to heal. 😢 Literally opened up and said I need to get out of the grey area and need to know what our future will be and he left without saying a word.
I’m an FA/DA and the guy I’m seeing is an AP. He’s so sweet, so kind, so considerate and I’m just a mess when it comes to “working through things.” I feel awful when he asks me important questions and I just stare at the floor and don’t answer. It hurts him. I can see that; but it’s hard to respond in the moment. I realize my behavior will cause me to lose him, and that kills me inside, but I can’t move past my fears. Am I doomed forever? Maybe. I wish things were different, I wish I could speak up when it matters most. I love him, I’ve just never told him.
My partner is avoidant. She is working with a therapist and also is scheduled to attend the Hoffman Institute Retreat in January. Her therapist isn’t necessarily addressing her avoidance, as she has been working with her before I started understanding this. She definitely has pulled away over the last 9 months (we’ve been together 2.5 yrs) and she recognizes this. She says she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I am giving her space but it is hard because I feel so disconnected from her. I feel this retreat in January is going to move the needle big time because they get to the root cause of their patterns. I am definitely putting aside my needs for now until she gets through this. Is this the right things to do? I don’t want to be betraying myself.
Maybe that was my ex... he always felt attacked even when I verbalized it was me... he lacked empathy for me but cried about a man he barely know going to jail for R and offing someone.... I was so confused because he never even looked affected by my tears but he claimed to love me
This sounds like a personality disorder… Avoidants may have kind of repressed emotions but such a severe lack of empathy… and then “empathy” for a criminal… idk it sounds messed up to me, solely from what you said. “My” ex DA had so much empathy for me even though he was very sensitive to criticism.
I love your show Thais, and am also a subscriber to the PDS. I believe I am an AP who was with a DA who broke up with me for trivial reasons. Luckily it was only 2 months and am over it now, with help from you of course! We spontaneously met and hit it off right away. Then one day she ghosted me for seemingly no reason. A week later, i reached out, and she told me that she felt like i didn't have time for her because i had a busy august, which consisted of weddings and business trips every weekend. I told her that things would slow down in September, but a busy august alone was a dealbreaker. We met in june, btw, and would ask her out whenever i had free time. I still think about her all the time, but with your help, i no longer feel the pain of being ghosted. I always wonder, though. Is there a way to communicate early on with a DA about attachment styles? Or will it just end up triggering them? I feel like we could have made it work if she knew why she got triggered.
This is only an observation so apologies if I’m barking up the wrong tree… did you communicate with her that you were busy during August? Did you go between dates without texting, talking on the phone? I’m FA leaning secure. If I had not heard from you for periods of time without being told.. ‘Hey, I really enjoyed our date, looking furward to seeing you again. When are you free? That doesn’t work for me cause I’ve a wedding but would live to see you such n such a time… I know I’m quite busy August but I definitely like to see you on (insert date). Without contact or transparency, she may have thought you were ghosting her. But it all depends on the above.
I just love thais and the speaker is so adorable but my experience is im secure and the guy i was with was a severe avodent i gave him space did all the things i was taught the only thing i didn't do was roll out the red carpet. As we are taught if they don't do the work its a loss cause. I would bring up minor things he would disappear so for me i don't ever want to date another.
When I got hurt, I would plead with the person. One day I explained that I had to use vacation time to meet him, and when he canceled on me, I was out that time. His response was, “Well, I don’t get vacation days.” Of course, he didn’t, he was a contracted worker and set his own hours. What does that say about him?
CAN THIS BE FIXED? Question: I had a DA roommate and she moved out suddenly when I said we don't have the same values (about stopping a racist neighbour. Although she's in the armed forces, she seemed scared of him. I did stand up to him by myself and got him to stop his behaviour. She is white, I am not). A year later I contacted her to collect her mail that was delivered. She answered straight away and we seemed to be bantering and getting on. She never came to get her mail. 9 months later she got important mail so I contacted her twice and she left me on read and never came to get her stuff. The last time I contacted her I said it's ok to come over and not to worry about anything from the past, but still nothing. I don't understand why she doesn't collect her stuff (but she's been abroad on holiday, goes to concerts, and seems to be doing everything else etc)
QUESTION FOR THE honest courageous DA's- and thank you in advance. My question is about empathy. Human empathy. i understand you justify your own ghosting/avoiding/dismissing behavior, but do you feel the harm your selfishness causes? Do you even feel what you do to the other person? We all have pain, and I don't mean to shame you in any way, i have n honest question, do you feel the other person? We all have issues, but to dismiss another human being you say you loved the day befor for a trivial reason is super selfish. I wonder if DA's are on the socio-pathic spectrum due to their extreme and utter lack of empathy? They say in studies that "Empathy can not be taught." I assert that if DA's experienced actual empathy for the other person, you could not do what you do. But please enlighten me because I am no DA. Thank you~
I think they're coming from such a wounded space that they're extremely self-centered. I know myself 20 years ago I had limited capacity for true empathy but now after all these years of therapy, meditation, and energy work, I have so much capacity for empathy. So maybe not sociopathic, but definitely extremely self centered. In a way, it's like they just aren't even seeing us, and they can't until they heal.
My DA partner's DA traits also started showing arounf the 1.5 year mark...we have been painfully on and off since then, now trying for the 4th time to cultivate a healthier relationship. This time he seems have understood a lot about his attachment issues.
What about not getting closure because they are avoiding saying they are ending things. So you feel like you are in limbo because they are saying they are just in a funk and don’t want to be around anyone right now and when you ask directly if they want to continue in relationship they do not answer that directly.
Well that's up to you. Personally I let someone take however much time they need if they're in a funk and I hope for the same in return. But if you are not getting an answer about where you stand, you have to give the answer, not wait for it.
I would also react when he didn’t respond in a reasonable time or say goodbye at the end of a text. He would just disappear in the middle of it then say that he had run into someone and was talking to them. I asked that he at least say, “Be right back”.
Isn't the whole point of texting to respond when we want/can? It's not like a phone call and someone just hangs up without saying goodbye. I've never heard of a text conversation where you had to properly end it. My friends and family have never done that lol.
@@ro7547 hmm I've never heard of having to end a text conversation. To me, texting is just a quick way to communicate, not usually to have a full on conversation. Some people just have different texting etiquette I suppose.
@@ro7547it's reassuring to one's partner to end the text convo with "alright babe, I'm about do such-and-such, see you soon, love you", etc. I'd call what you're saying normal unless there's some sort of urgent situation both parties are knowledgeable about.
They didn’t want to even try for a relationship even though we have all the chemistry… after no contact keeps in touch wants to meet up and cancels plans… it makes me wonder if there just are too many options and makes me question if I read the whole thing wrong
Get free personalized courses, live webinars & Q&As, and more at The Personal Development School for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?el=youtube-podcast
Yeah, no closure. Got broken up with by FA over text. So I had Amazon send him one self help book per day for a week. NOW I have closure! 😂
I had a DA tell me on a Friday he wanted me….and he didn’t want me to stop wanting him….then GHOST me…for no reason. Just never heard from him again….he claimed he was secure too and not a DA anymore…I lost all respect for this man and realized what a complete fake and liar he was! This made me laugh though!
Hi, @nonenone-n3z that's really nice :) could you maybe recommend some of those books, please?
😆😆😆
@@nonenone-n3z could you maybe recommend some of the books 😀 great approach for getting it out of your system!
Love this!!
Only good part about the breakup was seeing the shock on the avoidants face when I said it was on her, the breakup. Like she couldn't comprehend the sabotage and fault finding traits are flawed behaviors.
You can get better at relationships avoidants but you gotta own it
More longer form videos on why DAs ignore you when you tell them that they've hurt you . Why they choose to ignore you and ice you out upon the expression of emotion . And also why they choose to chase you once you have shut down emotionally . Me personally as an FA with diagnosed anxiety and adhd I do shut down when I'm hurt or emotionally drained or even have a vulnerability hangover and usually hope that my partner chases me because then I know they care enough to solve conflict and fix certain areas in the relationship and just cares about the overall success of the relationship . I hate being made to feel like my feelings don't matter or are never acknowledged. I also feel like using logic over emotion is a problem everytime with DAs and my feelings are intellectualized and on top of that being ignored triggers me to no end .
You are not alone ❤
That's extremely unhealthy to manipulate your partner into chasing you. You gotta take responsibility for your feelings.
@the_blue_lotus_portal Ma'am this is a judgement free zone and I'm just sharing my emotional experience. I have taken accountability for my own crap but it doesn't mean I still don't struggle. The comments I leave on this channel are pure curiosity and me wanting to understand with so little information I'm given. I'm sure all FAs can agree with me or have experienced the same thing in different ways as we are more emotional people and have the most trauma of all of the attachment styles. Something Thais talks about a former FA herself. Obviously i have wanted and have put in work as I'm the one who found attachment theory 3 years ago. Let's be respectful.
Mine broke with me at the beginning of a 2hour car ride home. All weekend I tried to stay out their way, we even had times of fun. After she told me that this is the first time she’s been camping and not had fun. Always statements like “why can’t you just let me enjoy my vacation” and I’m not even doing anything. Idk man. The ignorant remarks to try and break me down. If she comes around She’ll never get close to me ever again
That's rough. Learn from it. Do the internal work, you'll bounce back better.
I recently discovered Alexithymia. It’s a condition/spectrum where people find it hard to understand or sometimes even feel their emotions. They might feel the sensations in their body but not be able to relate it to their emotions/how they’re feeling. It can be a Compton condition but also stand alone. For anyone who is or is dating an avoidant, I think it’s worth researching.
So sad to know if they do the work it could be a match made in heaven. I’m a ap but have had a lot of counseling and have worked on myself and I see everything he’s doing but he doesn’t try to heal. 😢 Literally opened up and said I need to get out of the grey area and need to know what our future will be and he left without saying a word.
I’m an FA/DA and the guy I’m seeing is an AP. He’s so sweet, so kind, so considerate and I’m just a mess when it comes to “working through things.” I feel awful when he asks me important questions and I just stare at the floor and don’t answer. It hurts him. I can see that; but it’s hard to respond in the moment.
I realize my behavior will cause me to lose him, and that kills me inside, but I can’t move past my fears. Am I doomed forever? Maybe. I wish things were different, I wish I could speak up when it matters most. I love him, I’ve just never told him.
Thank you for this conversation. I still don’t have closure from my ex-DA and hearing this helps me feel more human 💗
To be honest, it's an acknowledged fact that Das don't give closure. It'd trigger their shame and "I'm defective"' wounds way too much !
It would be great to know what was the impetus that led Michael to seek healing of his attachment style?
That is a great question! I will share with Mike and hopefully he can touch on that in a future episode. I appreciate you! 💜
The ending segment to this video is so powerful
My partner is avoidant. She is working with a therapist and also is scheduled to attend the Hoffman Institute Retreat in January. Her therapist isn’t necessarily addressing her avoidance, as she has been working with her before I started understanding this. She definitely has pulled away over the last 9 months (we’ve been together 2.5 yrs) and she recognizes this. She says she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I am giving her space but it is hard because I feel so disconnected from her. I feel this retreat in January is going to move the needle big time because they get to the root cause of their patterns. I am definitely putting aside my needs for now until she gets through this. Is this the right things to do? I don’t want to be betraying myself.
Maybe that was my ex... he always felt attacked even when I verbalized it was me... he lacked empathy for me but cried about a man he barely know going to jail for R and offing someone.... I was so confused because he never even looked affected by my tears but he claimed to love me
This sounds like a personality disorder… Avoidants may have kind of repressed emotions but such a severe lack of empathy… and then “empathy” for a criminal… idk it sounds messed up to me, solely from what you said.
“My” ex DA had so much empathy for me even though he was very sensitive to criticism.
This was extremely helpful. From the heart. Thank you to both of you. :)
I love your show Thais, and am also a subscriber to the PDS. I believe I am an AP who was with a DA who broke up with me for trivial reasons. Luckily it was only 2 months and am over it now, with help from you of course!
We spontaneously met and hit it off right away. Then one day she ghosted me for seemingly no reason. A week later, i reached out, and she told me that she felt like i didn't have time for her because i had a busy august, which consisted of weddings and business trips every weekend. I told her that things would slow down in September, but a busy august alone was a dealbreaker. We met in june, btw, and would ask her out whenever i had free time. I still think about her all the time, but with your help, i no longer feel the pain of being ghosted.
I always wonder, though. Is there a way to communicate early on with a DA about attachment styles? Or will it just end up triggering them? I feel like we could have made it work if she knew why she got triggered.
This is only an observation so apologies if I’m barking up the wrong tree… did you communicate with her that you were busy during August? Did you go between dates without texting, talking on the phone? I’m FA leaning secure. If I had not heard from you for periods of time without being told.. ‘Hey, I really enjoyed our date, looking furward to seeing you again. When are you free? That doesn’t work for me cause I’ve a wedding but would live to see you such n such a time… I know I’m quite busy August but I definitely like to see you on (insert date).
Without contact or transparency, she may have thought you were ghosting her. But it all depends on the above.
I just love thais and the speaker is so adorable but my experience is im secure and the guy i was with was a severe avodent i gave him space did all the things i was taught the only thing i didn't do was roll out the red carpet. As we are taught if they don't do the work its a loss cause. I would bring up minor things he would disappear so for me i don't ever want to date another.
When I got hurt, I would plead with the person. One day I explained that I had to use vacation time to meet him, and when he canceled on me, I was out that time. His response was, “Well, I don’t get vacation days.” Of course, he didn’t, he was a contracted worker and set his own hours. What does that say about him?
Yikes.
CAN THIS BE FIXED? Question: I had a DA roommate and she moved out suddenly when I said we don't have the same values (about stopping a racist neighbour. Although she's in the armed forces, she seemed scared of him. I did stand up to him by myself and got him to stop his behaviour. She is white, I am not). A year later I contacted her to collect her mail that was delivered. She answered straight away and we seemed to be bantering and getting on. She never came to get her mail. 9 months later she got important mail so I contacted her twice and she left me on read and never came to get her stuff. The last time I contacted her I said it's ok to come over and not to worry about anything from the past, but still nothing. I don't understand why she doesn't collect her stuff (but she's been abroad on holiday, goes to concerts, and seems to be doing everything else etc)
QUESTION FOR THE honest courageous DA's- and thank you in advance. My question is about empathy. Human empathy. i understand you justify your own ghosting/avoiding/dismissing behavior, but do you feel the harm your selfishness causes? Do you even feel what you do to the other person? We all have pain, and I don't mean to shame you in any way, i have n honest question, do you feel the other person? We all have issues, but to dismiss another human being you say you loved the day befor for a trivial reason is super selfish. I wonder if DA's are on the socio-pathic spectrum due to their extreme and utter lack of empathy? They say in studies that "Empathy can not be taught." I assert that if DA's experienced actual empathy for the other person, you could not do what you do. But please enlighten me because I am no DA. Thank you~
I think they're coming from such a wounded space that they're extremely self-centered. I know myself 20 years ago I had limited capacity for true empathy but now after all these years of therapy, meditation, and energy work, I have so much capacity for empathy. So maybe not sociopathic, but definitely extremely self centered. In a way, it's like they just aren't even seeing us, and they can't until they heal.
So what’s the difference, Mike, between that and a narcissistic injury. How do we determine which it is?
Wow this is Soo eye opening for me. ❤
You all already answered the first question from Spooky a few months ago.....It is the exact same question.
My DA partner's DA traits also started showing arounf the 1.5 year mark...we have been painfully on and off since then, now trying for the 4th time to cultivate a healthier relationship. This time he seems have understood a lot about his attachment issues.
What about not getting closure because they are avoiding saying they are ending things. So you feel like you are in limbo because they are saying they are just in a funk and don’t want to be around anyone right now and when you ask directly if they want to continue in relationship they do not answer that directly.
Well that's up to you. Personally I let someone take however much time they need if they're in a funk and I hope for the same in return. But if you are not getting an answer about where you stand, you have to give the answer, not wait for it.
That's happened to me several times too. He's never broken up with me but he likes to disappear for weeks or months.
I would also react when he didn’t respond in a reasonable time or say goodbye at the end of a text. He would just disappear in the middle of it then say that he had run into someone and was talking to them. I asked that he at least say, “Be right back”.
Isn't the whole point of texting to respond when we want/can? It's not like a phone call and someone just hangs up without saying goodbye. I've never heard of a text conversation where you had to properly end it. My friends and family have never done that lol.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life maybe so, but we you ARE having a conversation via texting,it’s rude to just disappear.
@@ro7547 hmm I've never heard of having to end a text conversation. To me, texting is just a quick way to communicate, not usually to have a full on conversation. Some people just have different texting etiquette I suppose.
@@ro7547it's reassuring to one's partner to end the text convo with "alright babe, I'm about do such-and-such, see you soon, love you", etc. I'd call what you're saying normal unless there's some sort of urgent situation both parties are knowledgeable about.
@@cornwallismorgan874 sometimes I want to throw my phone into the ocean and disappear into the woods. 🍄🍂
They didn’t want to even try for a relationship even though we have all the chemistry… after no contact keeps in touch wants to meet up and cancels plans… it makes me wonder if there just are too many options and makes me question if I read the whole thing wrong
The patterns seem so strikingly similar; I wonder if they all follow the same playbook.
How does an avoidant stop the flaw finding response?
Please stop interrupting