The Break-Up & Make-Up Relationship Cycle (Fearful Avoidant) | Disorganized Attachment & Boundaries
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
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In this video, I talk about the break-up and make-up relationship cycle that sometimes fearful avoidants find themselves in.
Have you ever been stuck in one of these cycles? how did you overcome this dynamic?
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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I’ve been in this cycle for a year now. I love your material. It’s so helpful.
I'm tired of it. I'm the one making all the effort
It’s for sure exhausting! But if the relationship doesn’t work. I’m evolving to handle situations better in the future.
@@sirtotten1700 I have been battling this for 3 years with a FA. Actually she's not speaking to me right now because I told her yesterday that I love being there for her but sometimes I need support too and I need her to make more of an effort. She said she didn't have the mental space for me right now and was overwhelmed and maybe we could talk sometime in the future. She has broken up with me 8 times in the past and every single time calls a few days later crying the she regrets her choice.
I completely understand. But in going through some of the PDS courses. I’ve learned more about my own boundaries and ways to break the cycle or walk away from a situation that isn’t growing.
@@ElizabethgetRich I am in that same place. She has practically said the same thing to me. I tell her the things and efforts she's made in the past that have meant a lot. Hoping she would try to do those things again. It's like you can't ask for anything. So what brings their feelings back when we're in this dynamic. If we are unhappy with feeling meaningless to our partner how can we possibly feel this is a healthy way to live. It's like what are we going to do if we were in a serious relationship? Live together 3 months out of the year and separate the other 9. Their emotions dictate the relationship's quality and longevity. They control everything but whether you walk away or stay. It's sad.
I’ve learned that someone who is FA can be the most wonderful person you’ve ever met. Their attachment style doesn’t define them; they’re still incredibly warm, fun and compassionate souls. It’s just such a shame how hard it is to make friendships work if both people have an insecure attachment style.
It literally does define them to their core 😂
@@schylerjohnson9216 not every person with a particular attachment style in bodies, all of the characteristics nor to the extreme extent; a trauma response designed to maintain survival and safety and childhood is not who that person is ultimately to their core when they're resting and safe and this is why that same person can show up differently or more open or not as triggered connections more than others because it takes two to tango... The ultimate Takeaway is less about the person and more about if there's consistent, disrespect and inability towards even minimal progress, then you can walk away, however, I think the real question is are we boundaries effectively and are we creating a catered safe environment?
I am a fearful avoidant and I'm almost 40 and have never felt like I've ever been in a real relationship. I feel like I have just been spending my life running and trying not to attach to people. The smallest things make me want to give up completely with trying to be with another person. I want a relationship, but at the same time I don't want the struggle of actually having to feel anything.
Same here 42
@@cherp5837 it's starting to worry me. I don't want to be alone forever and I definitely have the capacity to love, but my fear makes me push everyone away
@@NoName-nj4mw honestly i m in the same boat
But i work on this problem every single day watching videos and re condition my mind
Oh, god, this is me! 36, turning 37 early next year. Formerly strongly FA leaning DA, just recently turned secure leaning DA.
@@cherp5837 This is the only way to go. As someone who's been a formally as strong FA as one gets, and now predominantly secure, we CAN heal IF we do the work. There is no excuse for us to continue hurting others "just" because we don't want to deal with facing ourselves, we're not doing the world any service, and certainly nor ourselves. We owe it to life itself to take responsibility, we owe it to ourselves and to the loving people we encounter in our lives.
I did this, I pushed away someone I loved so much because I was so scared of how close we were becoming. Now I’ve been crying nonstop and want him back but I also know that an emotional roller coaster is not what he deserves. I really want to go to therapy to work on my traumas and learn how to identify my needs. I feel so alone in this. I’m really struggling. I feel so ashamed for what I’ve done and so horribly lonely.
Coming from a recovering FA, I would say that just take it slow. The fact that you're now self aware and is willing to grow are a huge achievement as a person. You should be proud of yourself cause majority of people are not even aware or are willing to. Looking at how you are feeling, I would say that in your road to become secure you have to overcome the FA struggles that you might not even be aware of.
If you loved him that much, then you have to at least fight for him and not assumed on his behalf. What I mean by this is you have to at least communicate to him on how you are actually feeling, the struggles that you are facing and let him make the decision on his own. By being vulnerable is your first step to recovery and I know it is scary. Look at it this way, if he is worth fighting for, you should have faith in your feelings of him and the judgement of character that you made of him. You will not know the actual outcome until you have tried. And even if doesn't work out, you should be proud of yourself for being honest and that the acceptance on the -ve outcome is a huge milestone as an FA. That would be your "rejection wound".
"I want him back but it is not what he deserves" "I feel so ashamed" is your "unworthy wound" / "I feel so alone" is your "abandonment wound" and so on are thoughts that you have to realized which are related to which wound. That is also your road to secure once identified.
Truth to be told, there is actually a lot of fish in the sea but are those fish compatible with you? How many could be non-judgmental, compassionate, accepting and supportive? If he is all those things, don't decide to let him go on your own first before actually trying.
Tell him that you know that you are an emotional rollercoaster but are working on healing the inner wounds. Don't discount yourself from love, he may even be willing to help. Give yourself time.
A lot of us have been through the same and are much better now. Have compassion for yourself. It's not the end of the world. You will not always be perfect and that's okay. Just be intentional about getting healthy and keeping moving forward. All the best to you.
Please go to him .. reach out .. explain ... if he truly loves you like I to my FA he will listen..
My Ex doesn't know about attachments.
That's the hard part for me .. if she could work on her fa style we vould conquer the world
@@sakuraitaichouOmG thank you for writing this to this person 🩵 Yes I sooo agree!!
You're brave for being here doing the work. As a former FA, and now predominantly secure person, we can heal and love healthy if we have the willingness to seek the resources and life boats surrounding us. It is a lonely road, but I assure you staying in our FA patterns is way more lonely and on top of that we hurt more people than just ourselves. You can do this, and by doing this work, the feeling of loneliness will slowly but surely also lessen. BUT we first have to face our fears and dear to feel our emotions, this includes the very feeling of loneliness and shame, the only way is through! Sending you strength and love! YOU got this!! 🫂 💕 You are loved
"It really does NOT have to be this way." 🙏 That says it all. Don't confuse the partner with the source of pain - the unhealed core wound. Stay calm, keep the lines of communication open, get together to talk - light some candles put on some soft instrumental music - have compassion for each other's humanity, support one another in your own growth and healing, and remember to honor that relationship which is shining a beacon on what needs healing. We can learn so much from our triggers if we just take the time to observe them and go within. Bonus if we have a partner we can safely share this with. So much good stuff in this video, and super helpful for one who's been at the receiving end of this.
Just get off the roller coaster the first chance you get. These people don’t change unless they are fully aware and actively doing the work. Most of them are in toxic auto pilot and don’t even know what they’re feeling or why they’re doing things
so true! Nightmare ride.
50% FA here and this was me as a young adult. Don’t stick with an FA if they aren’t working on themselves. Not bad people but need ample work to be a decent partner.
Right! Seems very impulsive, not a good sign.
In my current situation ship with a DA, I have left him multiple times - and not one of them was because I wanted to. I’d be crying as I typed the message ending things wishing he could actually show he desires me or cares about me. My brain and heart and body knows its best for me to walk away; but then I regret and go back because I care so much about the person, and it’s always the wrong choice…
Same 😢How are you holding up now?
My DA is so comfortable without me it hurts and I know I should not care as much anymore if I need to heal.
It’s probably not best to walk away, take some accountability
Thank you , I went through this cycle after a heartbreak , I went from dismissive attachment to fearful avoidant and now doing to work to become secure. I met someone I want to change for and Im willing to do the work
As an FA, I used to push away people that needed extreme closeness and I felt were clingy. I also push away people that don't show emotions and there is no intimacy. Now, I'm on a whole new path and really enjoying the journey of healing past trauma and learning better coping skills. It's so rare to find someone who accepts you AS IS and loves you, the communication is great, and there is room to allow complete honesty. They're learning about their attachment style too, so we keep in mind both triggers and possible pitfalls.
That doesn’t sound like you are fa
I was never an anxious attachment in my life until I got love bombed and then come to find out after 3/8 years together she was an F/A. Changed me to the point that I didn't know who I was when I looked in the mirror anymore. No thanks. I really tried to get her to do the work together at the end and she passed. I wouldn't have ever abandoned her and now I'll be the one that got away.... I'm doing the work solo the we could've done together. Her loss not mine and it stings still everyday.
Did she come back?
Thais, will you make some videos about how parents can properly raise children to be secure? seems to be the root of the problem: good parenting equals healthy children.
@Adam Wood great video idea! However, church, daycare, school is an issue too. But yeah parents should have a great blueprint pertaining to parenting, I agree!
REALLY good point!!!
Did this for 20 years with the same person. I've now gone the longest without talking to or reaching out to her for the last 4 years.
So, the FA learns to communicate their ‘boundaries’ and need for space, and the partner had to put up with years of ‘space’, on and off relationship, nevee having their need for consistent closeness met?
They hook you in first, then start neglecting you and playing mind games. It's exhausting.
Just leave them and run away. I have been there 10 years and it hasn't changed. They wont change. They will only keep justifying what they did.
My bf is clearly a FA and its been hell for years he breaks up with me everytime our relationship is progressing and becomes cold and distant
Ladies if you are dating a guy who breaks up and gets back together that will never change. I’ve been in such relationships for over 5 years. I wasted my life and have been experiencing this toxic rollercoaster for so long that now I feel like it’s normal. Not every argument needs to end in a break up. I tired so hard. I went to therapy, I was working on myself and changed so many things he didn’t like. Nothing was good enough because the problem is not in me, it’s with him. I lost myself, I can’t change any further unless I become his slave nodding when he asks. That’s I can’t change anymore. I am done and I am out.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for your advice, because a part of me is hoping the guy can change. I've just recently broken up with a guy who breaks up with over tiny things too. Sometimes it's not just things I do, my personality, but external factors too. I find myself stressing over traffic or WiFi because that makes him unhappy, and sometimes leads to arguments & him saying "I can't do this anymore". He regrets the next day when I'm packing, and apologises. But it happened so many times, it wears me down.
This resonates with me so hard. I’ve been in this cycle for 10 years, she’s left 7 times. I’ve grown so much each time and during the decade and now that she’s left again realized I’ve lost myself and living to serve her for so long to avoid her leaving randomly. I thought she was finally going to look inward and started therapy but quit after 3 sessions and then discarded me yet again. I have no choice but to give up, I can’t keep sacrificing myself because she won’t get help and won’t ever stay 😢
@@karenchan9251 5 years I was hoping it will change. It was getting better, then worse then better then worse again. It is a cycle. We try we change we beg, like we need to prove that we will make it work. We confuse pain with love. Love is not pain, love is not stress, love is not worry. Love is peace if mind, love if happy, love is safety. My avoidant broke up with me in January. After an argument, disappeared for few days and then after I called him he came and said he is moving out. Now he messages me, calls, invites for dinner. They make you confuse! they don't want you then they want you but on their terms. We cannot allow them to treat us like this! we deserve better! And there is better out there.
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@@jeffreymorris6193 wow 10 years! I feel for you. This must have been very difficult 10 years. Yes, after all these strategies that we are trying to incorporate to keep them by our side we loose ourself, our self-esteem and our dignity. We are not the same people. I am not. I will always be fearful. I was in a similar situation. He went to the therapy, we were really happy, then one stupid argument changed everything. he still didn't disappear from my life. They won't let you. They want to keep you on this leash. Just remember that love is not pain, love is peace, stability, safety. Let's not get confused again.
I’m literally going through this exact thing right now.. but it helps a lot to be aware of what’s going on.. thank you so much! These videos are always spot on!
This is so a great video. I was a FA in my previous years. I am doing the "deep work" to become securely attached. Thank you so much for all the work you have done. This has truly helped me so much.
This is me & my ex. She came back after a few months. We got really close, things were great. Then she bailed again out of nowhere. I fully expect her to appear again some day soon!
Have you spoken to her about attachment styles? Do you think she is open to working on herself as you support her the next time? That is my plan when he hopefully comes back again. I’m not ready to give up on us. I don’t think he is either but time will tell!
@@nicoleflusk5434 I only discovered attachment styles after this last break up and am learning about them myself. I don’t think I’ll ever take her back at this stage. I’ve a feeling she’s with someone else. I’m kinda done with her.
FA=borderline, look it up, its scary. they will never know real love, they will never keep a person
@@disorder_goany update? My FA broke it off with me 2 weeks ago, for the 2nd time as well
@@avenuempire haven’t heard a thing from her and I don’t want to either. Just keep no contact and any attachment to them will fade, like mine has.
Sounds like being an FA is sort of a Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde thing 😅😂
It is. I was in a relationship with an FA for 19 months. I was so confused. Everything would seem to be going fine, and then she’d want to run away for no apparent reason.
Yep on a large scale when it comes to commitment and on a micro level when you want emotional intimacy. You never know where you stand. My FA ex said his relationships will always be a grey area - never knowing fully if he’s all in or not
Funny, i actually called my FA that exact thing. I realize its born out of trauma, and i have many triggers as an AP, but damn... dr jekyll and mr hyde is so fitting for him
Almost 3 years now, 6 break ups and 5 reconciliations in. I was AP, currently mostly healed into secure. She was obviously FA…
They have to DO THE WORK in for for IT TO WORK. Even if yourself work hard to become secure, if the other party isn’t responsive there is not much you can do. Thank you for all the information Thais ❤️
How long does it take for each break up to make up cycle to happen?
@@youknowmegp3752 oh man it varies. First one was a day. Second was 4 months. Third was a year. Fourth was a month. Now we are done again for a little over 2 months.
@@youknowmegp3752 not sure where i want to take it from here though…
@@nickbarbosa21 Do you ever have moments in which you would like to continue the relationship with her?
@@jasminkaiser6348 oh yeah man…its hard to let go when you really love someone. Think about her everyday. Would take a lot to invite her back into my life tho…
ok this explains me and my ex sooo much we were always on and off again. Always breaking up with me and taking back his words. We were together for a year and lived with each other but he moved back home the last 2 months to save money. He finally broke up with me for real 3 months ago when I was coming across as “pushy” for his love by ghosting me. We had no contact and then he came back 2 weeks ago regretting how left couldn’t deal w his emotions etc. still loves me but can’t be with me because he needs to work on stuff and we’re toxic . But he’s been thinking of me everyday and has cried his eyes out till 6am. SO confusing!!! I blocked him on everything but I miss him so much and just wish we could talk it out
Did he come back or did you move on?
@@tophandle57 hi there! No I’ve been moving on :) so we broke up about 9 months ago. after 2.5 months of no contact he reached out, came to see me and apologize, said he loved me bla bla bla but we couldn’t together maybe in the future kinda bs. So I blocked him and then he tried to video call me a couple times through LinkedIn LOL and messaged saying he missed me but I blocked him there. and then I waited another 1.5 months to reach out for own sanity and then we FaceTimed and had a civil conversation for closure (4 months post break up). Although I didn’t verbalize it, I was still very “in love” w him and wanted to work things out but I could tell he didn’t want to yet, so I let it go. But That conversation itself made me realize how incompatible we were and that even though my brain felt chemically addicted and attached to him (thinking I’m in love w him still), logically I hated his values. So it was a good thing he let me go because I know now I would’ve been miserable in the long run trying to mound myself to someone else’s values that I did even fundamentally believe in. I’m still going through the heartache every now and then but I’m SOOO much better off and one like 85% over it at this point! So trust me it gets better ❤️ I never thought I’d ever feel good again but after shifting my focus onto myself, my friends, hobbies, I’ve started to love life again , and yes I miss the memories but I know he would have held me back and I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I’ve done since he’s been gone. (Life is great once you get out there!!)
This is beautiful and empowering to choose yourself and taking full accountability of your life
This is me. I get so overwhelmed at times. I pushed someone away that I really loved. And I know it had to be difficult on the receiving end. It just makes me feel like I’m a bad person. I didn’t ask for this trauma. But it’s my responsibility to heal. And he doesn’t understand this aspect of mental health so it’s best for us to be apart and that I continue my journey. Thanks for the video! 🥲
He might truly understand if you could manage to share a bit with him. Speaking as someone whose partner has spoken to or seen them in approximately a year. 3 more months and it will be a year since he changed his phone number. Im still open to communicating with him. Your guy might be as well. So, if you can find it within yourself to do so, let him know what's going on. Hopefully it will bring peace to the both of you. Wishing you great success on your healing journey.
Hey Jessica when you go through this type of thing would you prefer your partner give you space but also wait for you from a distance? What’s the right thing for a partner/Ex to do during the FA internal conflict
@henryzhao4622
You're not asking me, but for myself I would like my partner to give me space to take time with my chaotic emotions so I dont hurt them inadvertently. A regular consistent check in would help me not feel so afraid. Like you have my back but aren't pushing me.
I'm an FA & thank you so much for this! It was an amazing insight and I've definitely had this experience personally or been on the receiving end. Perfect timing!
Glad this one resonated with you :)
These videos have been so helpful. I’ve been in a cycle since a breakup and I feel like I’ve lost myself and who I am. Parts of me have shown up as FA since then and I’m really hoping to get involved in your course to identify and improve myself.
Wow!!! What a great video!!!! I wish healing for all People! Don't be afraid to go back to the person and own up, maybe there might not be a relationship but a beautiful friendship can still be created....Of course if that what both parties want! But you never know until you've tried!
I feel like I’m going through this right now. It’s so painful and I’m trying to work through it with him. I think I’m a healing FA and he’s an FA too but has no idea about attachment theory.
I applaud you for trying to work thing thru with him! As long as dialogue is happening, ideally in person, all is possible. Good luck!
Thanks, unfortunately we’re in a weird limbo right now. One month post breakup and we’ve met up twice in person to talk about things. They’ve been a mix of very emotional and heavy and talking like nothing had happened. Told me he would feel two extremes of being very happy with me and then swing over to being uncomfortable and then feeling guilty for it. He was very interested and attentive towards my needs and emotional support but would calm up when I tried to do the same. Said he’s never been comfortable expressing his needs on any level and even does it with his parents to an extent. He says he thinks all of these feelings means he’s not ready for a relationship but as someone who’s pulled this before with others I don’t think that’s really true. He’s the one who asked to be bf/gf, he’s the one who asked me to meet his parents. He said he’s had friends for years that he never brought over to his parent’s house and her let me have dinner with them. I want to respect his choices and not grovel but at the same time seeing everything I used to do from the other side is so painful and frustrating. I don’t think we ever would have gotten to this point if he really wasn’t ready but I don’t think I can tell him this yet.
@@Babycreamedcat This sounds a LOT like my FA boyfriend. We've been through this cycle a few times. Each time he's a little more open about his past so I get a better understanding of why this keeps happening (I'm secure). This last time he admitted he's at a place where he just needs to figure this out, but I can tell he's AFRAID to be ready. I think that may be what's going on with your person. Ready and afraid at the same time.
Any experience with FA moving to a new relationship a week later only to regret their decision afterwards?
Yeah ok, but as FA who has been brought up in an abusive environment, one also tends to naturally gravitate towards people who have manipulative tendencies. As FA leaning Anxious i always go with DA's, who aren't keeping up at the same level of interest in self improvement as I do. It takes really long for them to hold themself accountable for their own actions. Most of the Time i find myself in a Dilemma of trying to trust someone and making myself vulnerable but then on the other hand my vulnerability is been used against me. It takes two to tango. And i agree, one should always Identify their own wounds, needs and when to set boundaries. But then one also needs to learn to feel attracted to people who are trustworthy. My Therapist said i should try Date people of whom i intentionally think are boring.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n when FA devalues its because their needs arent meet or their boundaries are crossed. watch thais video to protest behaviour
i behaved the same to my ex. even got kinda angry at times, mean and negative in general. She thought it is because iam Narc. she also thought she was secure but i saw all the insecurities. also she didnt reply appropriate to my critique (needs & boundaries). Rarely took responsability for her actions. Then i broke up in an affect. I regrettet it a little bit. But i also know that it wasnt a save space with her, so at the end everything will be good.
@@ddeenniizz0 I have become aware of this too but it is my responsibility to meet my needs or spend time with others who can meet my needs. It is difficult though for me not to become dysregulated!
@@sharonbeers4621 I think its also something that one can communicate. Like when i speak out what my needs are, and also what i believe it takes for my partner to approach them. Then i at least give them the chance to try. But when someone repeatedly feels offended ( and i have tried to change my tone and language when formulating my needs) and cant take responsability for their part, thats the sign i take to leave.
it's wild. I'v been called borderline for this.
I have a question you might actually be able to answer. I dated my FA Ex for about 9 months and he just broke up with me about a week ago. Not for the first time, but the first time it felt somewhat permanent. His reasons are always the same: he hasn't changed enough, he isn't good enough and he doesn't have feelings for me. He has an issue with emotional addiction and being attracted to toxic people and only ever had long-distance, low-effort, open relationships. I was the first one where he often expressed how safe he felt, how he wanted to be a better person because of me, how he got his life in order because of me the gist. He still insists he doesn't have feelings for me and described it "not feeling right" and just deciding from the gut, since we're otherwise compatible and happy together. Is there any chance of him coming back and realizing his mistake? Does he really not have feelings for me or is he simply scared of the stability and love I provide?
It is good to know what is going on with those who are always wanting on off relstionship but never forget that people down in their selfs know exactly what they are doing, do not be a fool of toxic people. Leave them do not waste time they won't change unless they make radical action. All other things are just lies...
Do you ever speak on fearful avoidants and narcissists? And how close they are and how one can protect themselves instead of learning to accept avoidant abuse tactics
I want to see this too
that’s extremly harmful, there is a huge difference between a narcissist and a FA.. FA is a result of trauma, and can fix it with help because it is attachment wounds. Narcissism in itself is a completely different context, it can be created, inherited or both, and there isn’t a deep desire to connect out of lack of connection. Personality disorders are entirely different than attachment styles. Alot if different trauma mechanisms and reactions can look selfish from an outside pov. That’s not excusing anything, it’s genuinely different
@@ballinpeppa Great comment - respectfully, may I take it a little bit further though. I'm commenting as someone who had borderline personality disorder and is now fully recovered after intensive treatment and daily work. I therefore feel like I want to clear up a point you make here. BPD and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) are both most absolutely the result of trauma too. Severe, deep-seated trauma in early childhood, so severe that it led to the mind creating a false sense of self in order to survive. Both types are less likely to have self-awareness until getting treatment purely because they are unwell, but they are also acting out of trauma. I know, that with all the devastation that narcissists cause in lives (mine included), that this is probably not what people want to hear. And I'm not saying it to upset you or anyone else here, and I'm not saying that we should be excusing or the destruction that they do. If you are with a bona fide narcissist, exiting the relationship is really the only safe option. But the narcissist is also acting out of severe trauma. BPD is treatable, some (extremely rare) narcissism is too. I'm now realising that the very very root original cause of my BPD was AP attachment, so I'm now addressing that. It's exciting because while I still had BPD I was far too unwell to even begin to tackle attachment. Professor Sam Vaknin's RUclips channel (a world expert on personality disorders, and himself a diagnosed narcissist) has excellent research-based info on all this if anyone wants to look into it.
Love all these comments! My FA was diagnosed and it helped me understand so much but I too had become trauma bonded to him just because of his constant running and returning. I normally would not have accepted him back even once but he was willing to go to therapy to find out the "why's" and begin to get the help and that's why I accepted the continued leaving and returning but it wasn't without damage to myself. He is an amazing human being... Willing to dig deep in conversations and try to not run, very loving, compassionate, empathetic., etc but one simple disagreement and boom he'd run only to realize soon after isolating and rageful..what a huge mistake he had made. It had me walking on eggshells. Finally after both of us in therapy, come to find out he is FA, and now I am working through trauma bonding symptoms. Now I have fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. Unfortunately. I now show similar fearful traits learned which he is saddened to have put me through. I would love to hear a video where it also tells the partner on the receiving ends side and how both can be reprogrammed. 😢
I think the term "anxious-avoidant" is the most accurate term.
yep
I feel like this explains my ex to a T. And I think I’m starting to realize I’m an anxious attacher.
I'm on the second breakup in 8 months with a FA. I almost wish I never met her, but I still love her. It hurts so much, but I still believe in her and us, but I don't know when to give up. It's emotionally draining, but I don't want to make her feel abandoned...
Hey Thais! You’ve no idea how much your videos help me.
I would really love if you could talk about AP-AP relationship! Please!!!
Thank you for all your amazing material. Thais, I have a request for a video. Could you make a video about the fears of the FA that are NOT fears of being cheated on? Although it’s a concrete example of a betrayal wound, to me it’s the least scary. I sometimes hesitate to share videos with others about myself (the FA) because they often refer to fears of cheating and that doesn’t represent me. So, Like, a video about the ways mistrust can manifest besides cheating fears. Thank you ❤️
That's a really great question. As an FA, I don't have fears of being cheated on, but I definitely fear being abandoned.
@@Maiden_Warrior_Crone yes. I know Thais has discussed the core wounds, etc. of the FA, but in many videos she uses cheating as an example of how the fear might show up in a concrete way.
I am very scared of other’s emotional dysregulatuon. Like a feeling that others can turn into totally crazy people at the drop of the hat.
But when I have been cheated on, or when I think of being cheated on, it’s not at all triggering for me. It’s not something I would take personally and as funny as it may sound, not nearly as scary as the other being emotionally dysregulated.
@@Maiden_Warrior_Crone and I think you are saying it’s not the cheating that you are scared of- as long as they don’t abandon?
@@heartpoint5289 That is such an interesting point. I, too, am afraid of emotional dysregulation in others. My boyfriend is DA and possibly rates my intensity as emotional dysregulation because it can be a LOT 😂. I'm grateful that I've been able to dial my intensity down a lot, because if he were the sort of person to have angry outbursts it would frighten me to death!
@@heartpoint5289 And I think I'd have the same reaction to being cheated on as you.
This totally resonates wit me 😢! Thank you for sharing!!❤
Being the FA sucks. I have no trouble understanding medical procedures, writing multiple essays, or even learn engineering basics but emotions and human stuff is so??????? Like Being FA is DRAINING. I dont want to have this attachment style anymore and im tired of the depression pit that comes with it. Healing is so hard but damn is it necessary
Does healing work?
@@smuella6454 I would say so. Whether or not we realize it, our inner emotions drive us sometimes. For example, school has been hectic even if I keep up with deadlines, etc., and I didn't notice how my lack of sleep and lack of self-care was affecting my attitude. Healing, even if it was just a little, let me *live* more rather than just going day by day surviving. It's a long process. I'm nowhere near fully healed, but it's baby steps and the willingness to try and love yourself that helps. You're worth more than a grade or an impression; don't sacrifice yourself for it. You'll have your mind your whole life, make it at least a comfortable place.
I just love the content of this channel. So transforming. I'm wondering if you have knowledge of or planning to incorporate this incredible material in another language like Spanish. I have not found anything close to this in Spanish and there's so many Spanish speaker who could benefit from this incredible material.
I was on the receiving end of this. It caused so much trauma in me. I became trauma bonded. I've dealt with 7 runs and 6 reconciliations. I've never chased. He cried about how he wanted to stop running but couldn't. He went through therapy. Is currently in therapy. I'd like to see a video on both partners and how to help heal the Traumas inflicted on the receiver. I know he's a good man. Compassionate, willing to dig deep in conversation, empathetic, etc.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I wondered how things are going. My FA ex is seeking therapy. He knows he wants to be with me but ‘needs’ to get his head right first (his words). I’d love to hear how your partners journey is going, how you’re supporting them and how you’re coping through it all.
THIS!!!! ❤️❤️
A buddy started dating a chick i was dating after i warned him she might get toxic and come between us. I feel sad hurt disgusted and betrayed. Cut them both off. Is that pushing them away? F them!
If FAs believe you're the problem rather than their core wound, how likely is it that they will be able to see the real cause of their pain and do something about it? It doesn't feel like actually raising this possibility with them works as they just get defensive. I really care for my FA ex but feel powerless to do anything when it really has to come from them.
This hits deep, but I think that can only come later after trust has been rebuilt. You need to focus on owning what you can, expressing understanding for their experience, etc.
My partner is a FA. But he didn’t grow up in a family with a lot of fights or inconsistency. He’s parents were consistently emotionally absent. I was going to show him this video but I know he will say it doesn’t apply to him because there was no fighting in his family.
attachment styles are not all about parenting. My FA ex and I had extremely similarly toxic and abusive upbringings, although mine lasted longer and was much more severe. According to this, I should be an FA as well, but I'm just an anxious preoccupied leaning secure. It can also be triggered by relationships. Like until I started dating my Ex I was on the way of becoming entirely secure but his behaviour triggered me so severely, I became anxious preoccupied again. Show this too your partner before it's too late and he runs your relationship into the ground...because he will...over and over again
It's about them not the partner. But if they can see this they won't do the work.
Good grief, I am 71 years old, and I finally found what is wrong with me. I have been through many relationships. Each one I went back-and-forth, back-and-forth exhausting the relationship. The last relationship I was in for two years a beautiful woman, I walked awayand came back because of issues of arguments. I would go away for several weeks, then I wanted to get back. I don’t know how to correct this if it can be corrected.
Bless you... yes, it can be corrected... Self-awareness is half of it, then comes action!
I broke up with mine, it was the right decision, I gave him another chance, but broke up with him again. He became extremely mean, needed "space" said I deserved better, he's awful but didnt want to breakup. I had enough when he yelled at me to stfu when I brought up wanting to spend more time with him and that I didnt feel like a priority....don't do it, they're irrevocably broken people
How do you help your partner recover from the pain that causes them to push away from loved ones?
You can't unless they want to understand themselves in order to keep you.
Bottom line is they have to be ready to admit there is something wrong with their self-regulation and inability to achieve long-term stability.
There are probably more people who aren't FA who undertand FA than who are, because we dated one and needed answers (easily done, since they are incapable of holding down a relationship and have many). Walk away from the FA who cannot admit their own turmoil and agree go to attachment based couples therapy.
I have all this great information but it feels like I can't do anything about it! My ex fiance is very FA but I didn't realize this until after she dumped me. I wish we had known. She still doesn't
Same story with me. It happened out of the blue. She gave me back the engagement ring. Right now she has me blocked everywhere. I wonder if she'll ever reach out. I hope she does. Wish I knew about attachment styles a while back too.
@@josegrijalva2993 I'm sorry man:(
This shit sucks. Same boat
@@Polly1589 that is so fucked up
@@Polly1589 I'm sorry you had to go through that. I had to sell most of my belongings to be able to move back to my hometown and start from zero. Right now after two months my ex FA is already in a rebound relationship. Didn't take the time to heal herself, and grieve the relationship.
You always look so pretty and well-groomed. ❤️
Great video as always❤️ Is the rebuilding trust course mentioned in this video the one called "rebuilding trust and overcoming jealousy"?
Thank you
I will never get with an avoident again, let them set alone looking in the mirror at themselves
I'm a FA in a 10 year on and off with a DA. It makes me laugh now how bloody crazy it is
Could anyone comment on their experience with rekindling a relationship with an FA? Preferably as a secure (me), but any insight is appreciated. My ex broke up with me about 3.5 months ago over a small mistake that didn't involve her, but she interpreted it as dishonesty when she found out later that I hadn't mentioned it to her (no cheating, no texting other girls, no flirting, no drug use, nothing like that).
We argued about it for almost two weeks, with me saying that I didn't want to break up, and would work on this in any way she needed, but that if she did want to break up, I would respect her decision. She eventually said that she forgave me, didn't want to break up, but still had some qualms, and didn't know what to do. Eventually, I did push her a little bit to make a decision, because she had gone MIA for a while, and I frankly thought it was ridiculous that we were going through such a huge amount of hand wringing over two whole weeks over such a small mistake that other women I had talked to (who didn't know my GF, for her privacy's sake) rolled their eyes at and said they wished THAT was their boyfriend's big offense.
All of a sudden, the next day she had apparently changed her mind, and ended things. The breakup was pretty amicable, as I said I disagreed, but respected her decision. We never yelled at each other or called each other names or anything like that.
Recently, she has texted me twice in a row about bullshit things that didn't require her to reach out to me at all, and she said she has no hard feelings toward me. I did ask her to get coffee and catch up, and she said she'd be willing, but didn't respond when I asked about a concrete date. I feel like she wants to, but is afraid or something. I've been trying to be very warm and polite but give her quite a bit of space. I just truly don't understand how she could leave what was a very happy relationship right up until the end. And now that she's clearly not mad anymore, what is stopping her from coming back to me.
I think if you really want to rekindle the relationship, you need to validate her feelings. Whatever she was upset about is valid, no matter how many other women said they wouldn’t be upset by it.
@@heartpoint5289 well that's the thing that is so unbelievable to me. I told her at the time I understood why she was upset, that she had a right to feel that way, and that I was not going to try to invalidate her feelings like a lot of men would. I offered to pay for therapy or give her complete access to my phone. She said no.
@@ryanmccarter9859 she may have been too triggered to hear it at the time. I just noticed that you felt the need to write that what ever she was upset about is not a thing that others would be upset about. If you have that mind frame, she will pick up on it and it won’t be helpful
@@heartpoint5289 well maybe, and I do appreciate the feedback. But in my defense, I really did love her, and wanted to consider her opinion. So later on I thought about it and wrote a handwritten letter in which I acknowledged that I had been wrong, and that she was right to be upset with me. I really felt that way tooz and still do. I was really genuine about trying to make things right, even told her I'm not trying to weasel out of accountability for this or evade consequences. I was totally willing to give up my pound of flesh because I had been wrong.
@@sunbeam9222 since then, she has displayed the most extreme hot/cold behavior I've ever seen in a person, and I guess we're totally done, because last time she got inexplicably really mad at me, and we haven't spoken in two months.
Me 100% 🙈
How long can it take for the FA to feel like that wasn’t really what they wanted, after they leave the relationship? Is there a video where you talk about friendships with an FA, after a relationship has ended? I feel like I’m having to leave everything in their hands…if they want to talk, they have to reach out first, otherwise I feel I’m doing too much
I'm in the same spot. My boyfriend dumped me a little over a week ago out of the blue. It wasn't the first time he (tried to) break/broke up with me, but the first time I didn't fight for the relationship in that instant. He went no contact right after. After a week I reached out about still having stuff at his place and him having stuff in mine. The talk didn't go well. We both cried and he admitted to suffering, yet refuses to admit he has feelings for me. He also said he can't be friends with me, despite the fact that he's literally friends with every single one of his exes, even the toxic ones that hurt him. He told me he's going to go to therapy now and hit me up in 2 to 4 years...yes he actually said years. I'd deleted him off instagram ad everything so it's not like he'll be able to keep taps on me, which makes me feel afraid that it'll be a out of sight, out of mind thing...
@@VampireLaura1997 did he ever come back?
@@tophandle57 He did, actually. Well, I reached out after a month because I'd heard from friends he was composing a letter of apology and it pissed me off. Letter are selfish monologues, I thought, and I didn't owe him that. So we met and we talked and a week later we met again, and we talked. And we've been together ever since. Losing me really changed him. He's twice the man he used to be. It took a lot of time and patience, but he finally told me he loved me and has told me every day since. We're planning on moving in together, talking about marriage, albeit in the future. He buys me flowers, just because, and tells me he missed me when we sleep apart for a night. He stopped taking drugs, stopped smoking weed, and stopped partying. He cut contact with his exes and toxic friends. He takes me everywhere he goes, and doesn't hide me from anyone. He also goes to therapy regularly and we even went to an attachment style seminar together - he suggested it. We still have issues and there are big things he still needs to work on - so do I - but I'm hopeful for the future. The only thing that I want people to keep in mind is that even if FA's come back, you have to be aware of the fact that you will, possibly forever, have to take over the majority of the emotional grunt work. You will have to be the driving force for change in the relationship and if you're not ready to commit to that, give up on them and move on to a healthier relationship because an FA can take you apart piece by piece until nothing is left. I say this from personal experience...
@@VampireLaura1997 how are things now?
@@unaivanovska9820 Still going strong, as I mentioned in the other reply. We just celebrated our 1,5 years (I know, cheesy, but that stuff means a lot to me) and he planned the entire day for me. Took a day off from work too, so we could actually celebrate it on the day and not two days later on the weekend. We'll soon be moving in together and we're also talking about marriage and kids (although those rather far in the future) and so on. We've been on a few vacation and the whole shebang. He still has a lot to learn and work on - so do I - but we're getting there :)
This can go for DAs too, I've noticed.
Does pushing someone away also include talking bad about the person to their friends or on social media? Thanks in advance :)
that is awful and unnecessary to talk bad about anyone online, let alone your partner for the whole world to see.
@@mollysreadings4845 I agree Molly :)
Likely a narcissist. They make up a large portion of avoidant/ fearful attachment.
I thought FAs when they breakup don't have their romantic interest in their partner anymore? That's what I heard in another video of yours. Can you help me understand better what situations are which?
Same question
Hey I like your content but to be honest I have doubts about your ethics: promising people that hurtful beliefs can be deprogrammed (and they can) and then saying the course is free (but only for 7 days) sounds like abusing miserable people: and here is why I think that:
- most people who have insecure attachment styles also have personality disorder. It’s very hard to have an insecure attachment style and just only a mild affective disorder. Most people with insecure attachment disorder that don’t have a personality disorder at the least have a more or less chronic mood disorder. And I bet you know that. Coz you studied that.
- trauma happens in relationships. Therefore can only be healed in relationships. I didn’t say that. I’m quoting an expert whose name I don’t remember: but I bet you do.
- therefore offering paying courses to people without a therapist who can emulate what secure attachment is in felt experienced and experiencial way is bound to do this: raise intellectual (executive brain) awareness and knowledge of the issues but offer strategies that can’t work: because trauma is not only cognitive, it’s bodily. And without someone to mirror us the right way to be in mirror neurones and loving presence, and who can perceive our functioning and yield with it to heal it, you just create more confusion and guilt in those with insecure attachment styles.
The ethical thing to say would be to tell people the only way to heal is through intentional relationships with open communication, preferably with a specialist trained in internal family systems or sensorimotor therapy and possibly edmr for ptsd and cptsd folks.
I don’t understand your motivation for offering a course and it seems you are more interested in making money than really helping people. Sure the material you offer can be used as a tool, but not without professional help. Because they will think they are hopeless after they did the work you propose and they are even less likely to do therapy because they failed before.
- which in: whatever you offer for a fee is already online: all of it. For free if people know how to do keyword search.
- so behind this polished and soothing appearance and demeanor of yours, I feel real suspicious of your true intentions. You know better. So why don’t you do better?
Thais has given SO MUCH for free. I think it's okay that she gets rewarded for all her help too. She has helped so so many people, like me, who can't afford to do her courses. If people can afford it, I'm sure her courses are amazing too. Don't be a hater!
Me (aa)and my bf(fa)are in relationship for about 9 months we were frnds b4 he is moving to different country and he is not at all even ready to listen and is directly breaking up and we were in very healthy relationship with time i got to know he is fa and i to anxious,plz guide
I wish i could talk to you. What about if my FA ex gf left me but she told me she thaught about it and was sure about her decision?
I can't relate at all. I'm having 20% of this type I never break up and regret. There must be a huge distinction between being triggered from past events and narcissistic or codependent friends, partners. If friends aren't supportive and judge and try to change me it's not my past, it's the presence my problem. I hate psychologists for these generalizations. Obviously, for my traumatas im this type,and yet not many things apply to me
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👍✌️self-🤟🖖
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It’s kinda hard to follow these videos being that i don’t know which attachment style my ex partner is but we went thru a lot of on and off throughout our relationship. we had two major break ups but mostly small few days ones. First major break up in january this year where we broke up for a month now we broke up again end of sept and now it’s been a little over a month. We’ve broken up due to poor communication and constantly arguing thru text msgs. She says she done for good and i’m blocked. i actually told her to block me if they wasn’t any chance for us anymore because it was a lot of hot and cold behavior from her and it was hurting too much. however i regret telling her to block me now it’s been over 2 weeks. i don’t think she will ever talk to me again 😢 i miss her i’m currently in therapy something she wanted to do as a couple before it got to this point..
No its just the post nut Syndrome! Don't take it personal it's just real.