TRAUMA BONDING Explained
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
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Trauma bonds are emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. People with CPTSD have sometimes been conditioned by traumatic bonding during childhood; the pattern often continues in adult relationships. Here's what it looks like, and here's what to do when you find yourself trauma bonded.
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You perfectly describe my old relationship, which I have been free of for six years, after 8 years of that constant hot/cold plus gaslighting sprinkled with ragefests. Everything you say rings true, especially about creating and maintaining connections with real friends. The isolation of trauma bond relationship creates deep wounds.
Yes. Isolation is a breeding ground for bad things.
narrastic
You could have written my story above. I’ve moved out of state on my own after his last “rage fest .” I started working and am proving to myself that it really was me holding things together through the years of abuse.
It’s still hard 2 months later and I hope it gets easier as time goes on. Thank you for sharing your experience. ✨💯❤️❤️✨✨
Ouch.☹
Sounds like my mother
Wow...I am willing to accept "crumbs" because that's the very best I got as a kid.
And yet you were told it was a four course dinner and to be grateful for it. You’re so ungrateful for not wanting these crumbs.
@@theangriestoftabbies
Yes always have to be greatful for a crumb. Also always under their heavy conditions ofcourse. The lady who called herself my mother ugh..she was awful. 😝👎🏼
Not anymore!
You all just get me. 🥺
I would get a card that said they loved me but it was a lie and I knew it.
I used to be so scared of romantic relationships, was single for a long time. When I finally opened up, it was a trauma bond with a narcissist. Hot and cold, breaking up and coming back together, I was always thinking there is something wrong with me, if I only behaved better, he would give me the love I want. After one break up, I decided I have enough. I deserve to be loved, drama free.
Now I'm in a happy one and a half year relationship. It's not perfect, I still have some of my CPTS patterns, but I am still learning. I am meant to receive and give love.
Absolutely!
I’ve been single for a long time also and recently opened up my heart after many years only to be in for the shock of my life. I was taken on a rollercoaster ride 😮 I had no idea what was happening until I began listening to professionals speak out on it. Now I’m here praying that my heart isn’t stuck in this crazy cycle 😕 the crazy part is, I’ve never had a problem being alone.
Wow, I am exactly in this place right now.
"Just like you were a kid" is the important phrase. Most ppl with trauma bonding grew up with it. It was what we know as "love". Hard to shake it off.
Very deeply ingrained 😔
But the good news is we don't have to stay stuck there!
One thing to look out for: an abusive partner knows that they can keep you by limiting your connections to other people.
YES.
I think im like this. Or i thought its normal. Thanks for letting me know that its toxic behaviour.
I think I had a trauma bond while I was molested from age 15 through 21, when my biological father constantly threatened abandonment if I did not comply. I thought it was love. I am now 65 and I still suffer from the guilt for participating in this hell. Now I can put a name to it and understand why I stayed in this horrific abuse.
I'm so sorry, you stayed because you were broken, me too
That's a terrible thing to have happen, and you can get free of all that suffering! bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same sis🦋🦋🦋 I love you
His sickness was not your fault. You wernt able to get away if you where you would have. You did what you had to to survive. You are worth happiness xxx
I'm so terribly sorry that was your experience. Sending so much love your way. Hope you find peace and healing 🕊️
Nobody talks about how good it feels to "make everything ok" when you're in an abuse cycle. Thank you for telling people about this.
Starting a fight in the early evening, fighting and threatening with a breakup till around midnight, makeup cuddles and falling asleep next to each other, waking up to the reality that there's something terribly wrong. My ex with BPD even started blaming me for "going crazy in the mornings" because come morning, I was feeling relatively normal, and the emotional turmoil was back and I needed to back to the "frontline".
I was trained by my family to accept crumbs and NEVER ask for more. My adult life has kept me hooked into relationships that trauma bonded me very quickly. I had no idea, thank you. My only focus is recovery. Thank you.
You can do it! We have more help if you need it courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
please add details about your ideation of, "crumbs"(?)
My dad, my brother, and a highly narcissistic boss. It takes a long time to learn to trust.
What is needed are some methods you can start using right away to start healing that trauma.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy where would you suggest I start first? Relatively new here....
@@LinYouToo She keeps recommending her daily practice which was one of the major keys to her breakthrough. You can access the how to course from her website, for free. Welcome to the community :)
@@JustHereToHear thanks, I found it.
I was ghosted two months ago by my partner. He was in and out of the "relationship" for months, and I'd feel devastated and abandoned when he disappeared for 2-3 weeks at a time, and elated when he would resurface. That sounds like a trauma bond as you have described it. I should be relieved that this man is apparently now gone for good and a part of me is...yet I am absolutely devastated and have slipped into a deep, deep depression. I thank God I found this channel. The answers I seek are here.
This is just the tip of the Fairy iceberg! More support at www.crappychildhood.com
I feel you. I'm going through the same thing now.
@@SkyePhoenix what causes someone to be so cruel and inconsiderate, I wonder? I literally can't imagine doing that
I went through this too, many years ago. It was really devastating for me. It's painful just remembering it! It was an addiction. I hope you can feel better about yourself get involved in activities you enjoy.
How long were you guys together?
A lot of my hot/cold behavior is what ruined my first marriage. If your going through this, get help. Don’t wait. I wasn’t able to have a meaningful relationship until I did.
Your honesty is commendable, glad you owned it and got the help.
I have just read about it in _The Haunted Self,_ the book of the Theory of Structural Dissociation. It is disorganised attachment, your primal attachments with your "caretakers" were both necessary and dangerous. You need these attachments to survive, to eat, to be cleaned; but these attachments hurt you in every way possible and are a threat to your survival, but you still need them to survive.
This teaches you that this is how attachments work, you get unable to get rid of it. Every hurtful attachment triggers every part of your primal trauma while making you unable to see that the primal trauma itself. You react to the new attachment as if it was the primordial parental attachment you grew up with. It's completely unresolved and your brain can't step out of it.
Your brain feels like it imperatively need this attachment but can't tell you why, it can't reveal to you all the traumatic memories that it believes that would impede your survival.
That rings perfectly true. Thanks for sharing the resource.
Metta to oneself is the answer for the traumatised, waking up person. It's a strong positive thought of non destruction, kindness and friendliness towards oneself...
When non traumatised mothers/ primary care givers pass on this feeling of love and care to the baby, it gives him a sense of security and contentment, which helps in his healthy development through all the phases. Otherwise the child goes to anxious mode and there's delayed development.
I believe the traumatised child as an adult too must experience/ receive Metta at some point, in order to yearn for that good feeling and then later develop it from within, through Metta reflection thought cultivation.
But there are aurvedic medicine to heal the traumatised nervous system. So are many other remedies to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, all of it together with the understanding received through channels like this help a person to heal.. like in my case almost fully there. Thank you many times ,you really are a fairy.!
How do we heal this ?
@@launalea2226 if you are awaken enough ask this question, you are probably already on the road to recovery.
As a Buddhist I believe we have a vast source of past good karma and hidden positive powers stored within our consciousness so they can be tapped to pull us from the mud pit we may have fallen at the beginning of this lifespan.
But one needs guidance. Internet is full of sites by good people explaining how to develop truly positive mental powers.
Good luck to you! Takes time but there's light at the end.
That chicken thing sounds horrendous, Anna!
That was a depressingly accurate description of my longest (4 year) 'relationship' with my 2nd boyfriend, at age 20. He was 30, and behaved like a gent for a whole 6 months before we officially paired-up. It was as if the very minute he realised I was 'hooked', he became abusive. I think it was the night after we first slept together. His pattern was nice, then either raging or drunk, or just drunk & raging, and he was horribly paranoid. Took me 3.5 years of knowing i had to get out to finally cut the cord, and I suffered many a humiliation in that time. It was as if I somehow knew that nobody but i could 'slay the dragon' (that's what it felt like), even when others offered to intervene. Felt fantastic when I finally did. What amazed me the most was watching this apparent grown man, who had literally terrorized me for years, disintegrate like the paper tiger that he was. We have the power, but it can take years to get away from these people. And you're right - none of it was happy. I didn't even love him. It made no sense, except to say that my dad has bad anger issues and similar patterns, minus the booze. You live in the programming of that never-ending hope for the relationship, I suppose.
I'm relieved you got out and are in a place to see your own patterns! When we heal, we don't even attract those types of people anymore!
This makes so much sense! I’m in a trauma bond with an old boyfriend who wants me back, but then ghost texts me sometimes when we’re making plans. And it causes me to feel anxiety. I think I’ll pass on the offer. I’m already exhausted.Great advice! Thank you,
Glad it helped!
I'm so done with being hooked. After 36 years I've decided to put up a wall when it comes to my husband. He's a drunk. He doesn't care enough to stop for our grandchildren myself or anyone else. I could have some forgiveness if he at least tried but he doesn't. I'm working on putting my inner peace first. Thank God the friends I do have are wonderful along with my family
It is an addiction to seek false loving crumbs.
yes, it can be just like that
Trying to find some love is better than hating yourself for not having any love. Look at as a step in the right direction, you're not there but you're improving. Now you look for love where there is some.
Don't beat yourself for any mistakes you've made. That's how we learn. Just keep moving. Life doesn't go in a straight line. Little steps back and forth while holding your ground when you make a step in the right direction.
So THAT'S what they want.
I mean if nobody gives you real love, I can see why you need these false cumbs. Imagine if you were getting NO attention.
My parents have two phases that cycle non-stop.
One is the heavely abusive phase, and the other is the neglectful ignoring phase.
When they're in the neglectful ignoring phase, they shame me for fearing or hating them for what they did in the heavily abusive phase, either saying it never happened or that I'm being too sensible and egoistic.
Hope you can get out of there asap
Oh dear... minds*** of high magnitude. I agree with commenter -- time to get out!
😮 my parents are EXACTLY the same! It's that gaslighting afterwards that makes it so painful for me.
Because they are "Christians", they alternate between "it never happened" and "you should forgive us" and sometimes sprinkle in a "you're being selfish".
So effed up.
I've never talked to anyone else who's experienced the same.
No use getting away from them, though. I keep repeating this in other relationships - friends, bosses, roommates...
I spent 21 years in a trauma bond, but with a twist, she loved me, still does, but used distant to manipulate me to comply with her needs or wishes. It eventually nixed my love for her, by a thousand cuts. I am guilty of distancing when triggered though. It’s not intentional, I was always alone in trauma, I go off and lick my wounds, but I hurt people, and in some sense I’m guilty of this behavior, and I’m ashamed of it. When I’m triggered all I hear is a chant of how worthless I am, I really have no belief that anyone wants me around, because I’m in the past, the rest of my life dissipates, that was the solitary truth inherent through my past, honestly it’s all I’ve known in the deepest part of my heart, I don’t think anyone wants to visit hell with me, and I don’t blame them. I have to open my eyes to trauma lies, because it’s not true, there are people who love me, am I loving them to my best? Great info! ♥️🕊
At Crappy Childhood Fairy we all really get this about each other and relate to this terrible depression around low self-worth. There are very specific tools one can learn to stop these cycles, it takes much more than positive self-talk for most of us. I encourage you to try a membership with us & get the support you need! bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
For a very long time I was in what I now see was a trauma bonded relationship. For complex reasons, when he was there he was fantastic, but he would ghost, vanish, and it left me devastated, dysfunctional and unable to eat, sleep or work each time. It was a long distance online relationship (we'd met in person too several times).
After about 4 years of this cycle, if he didn't respond to an email by his usual time, I'd have a panic attack as I lived in constant fear he'd left again. If he ended up emailing, I'd be flooded with relief. If he didn't, my whole entire day was ruined and I couldn't function at all. Due to the time difference, I'd have to wait until that night to see if he'd email then.
I remember wishing I could escape the cycle of being so helplessly controlled by someone else's own life situation and subsequent actions of which I had no control over.
Eventually, it got to the point where the surge of relief wasn't strong enough anymore, and the prior anxiety not as intense. He never emailed on weekends (again, complicated), and way back I used to hate not talking to him ALL the time, but now, it was a relief to not have to have that expectation of contact for those 2 days. I didn't have to wonder or worry.
Then I realised...or wondered...how can I be more like this all the time? Have no expectations. Well, yeah, but that's easier said than done.
In the end, I let a lot of it go. The ingrained routines formed over 10 years. They didn't matter. I knew he loved me and even if and when he disappeared again, I'd still know that. I let go of any control I tried to have over his actions and his life. HIS life, not mine. HIS choice, not mine.
Last March, he left again, this time I thought for good. I felt...ok. Not ideal, but I didn't need to know why. It made no difference. I wished him well. It wasn't my choice, so...nothing I could do about it. I would always love him, but this pattern was always going to be a part of being with him, and by now I was tired.
He actually reappeared 8 months later, and we're still in contact, but just friends with an intimate history. If he doesn't email, I assume nothing. Sometimes I forget to email HIM.
That trauma bond. I am finally released.
Appreciate you sharing with us!
I have been through thus same experience
Spot on. I became trauma bonded to someone I met as a teenager. The thing is, I was incapable of knowing that I needed to exit because this was abusive behavior. I thought there was something wrong with me and I had to keep trying and trying and trying to find the secret formula that everyone else had. I became slightly reconnected with this person later in life, and I finally understood that when I experienced toxic behavior that meant I had to get out.
It's hard enough to figure out as an adult, but as a teenager there's pretty much no chance!
Same thing happened to me. i was 16 and left at 27
I like that you aren’t necessarily finding the “Breadcrumb server” to be necessarily villainous or purposeful. They can have an avoidant attachment style from their own CPTSD. The outcome is a trauma bond for probably both parties - but maybe more viscous my for the insecurely attached of the pair. These behaviors and underlying fears are so primal - I like how you noted even a healthy adult can be triggered on this (with more intent) in wars. I found getting off my sinusoidal inner/outer critic dance was the best way to stop focusing on who is to blame - but instead look at the dance and the context and the awareness of the pattern. And you are right - the best way to leave is quietly - slip out on the next detachment and go get some nourishment from a variety of healthy relationships.
@Katherine_von_Duyke Thanks you for listening! You're right, we can get out the message that we ALWAYS must "cut ties" is harmful.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Totally agree with you 😊😚!!! Thanks 😊
OMG! I was feeling sad because a sibling of mine, who always puts guilt trips on me, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, and I was really thinking if I did something wrong, when a few minutes later, this video popped up on my phone. Talk about divine intervention, providence, whatever you want to call it! I have never heard of this term, but I knew there had to be something out there that described this terrible dynamic. This video could not have appeared in a more better time for me. In a couple of weeks, I will be moving out for the better. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!
Great!
Coincidence is God being anonymous. Best of luck on your move. 🙂
These days when I think about my relationship with my parents, I feel like I'm going crazy. When I was growing up, it used to be like this: I do or say something they don't like, they lose their temper and either pinch, slap, yell at me or beat me up, it makes me cry or mad, we say sorry and make up - and then it happens all over again. And what makes me feel even more ashamed is feeling like they had a reason to yell at me, pinch me, slap or beat me up because I did something wrong. But on the other hand, I feel like nothing I ever said or did really warranted the abuse I dealt with. I kept wondering what I needed to do to stop the abuse which I used to think was "love", now I just keep them at arms' length for my own emotional wellbeing.
My ex and I had moments of this. We connected over traumatic pasts, and we made better roommates than lovers because we felt safe to one another. It's one thing of many I've beaten myself up over a lot in the past. I know better now.
He spent years quietly replacing me with someone who does it to him a lot while gaslighting me for the same behaviour. Once I saw what was happening, I left.
Don't continue setting yourself on fire to warm someone else. It's an understandable sentiment, but a toxic dynamic. You will not help someone; you will pour your self-esteem down a black hole and eventually, you will follow it.
"Dont continue setting yourself on fire to warm someone else"... thank you 🙏🏽 for this
@@freshstrt3140 you're welcome! I don't remember where I heard that, but I love when I can pay such wisdom forward
@@euchiron its challenging to let go... theres something in the burn that feels so "good"... i hate having to admit this. Its like all of my senses come alive, and my hearts on fire, and colorful musings of eternal truths on how things "should be" stream through me... I end up living in this imaginary world, learning about all that could be, should be, would be, but isnt.
I truly want to experience healthy love in this life. I know i have the capacity within myself to share healthy honest love, and grow with someone. Theres nothing in the world more that I want.
Ive spent most of my life avoiding and staying out of relationships. For the first time, I know what it feels like to truly want to share my life with someone. I thought I had found that person, but it turns out 🙏🏽😔 no, he is messing with my head really badly. All that is shared in this video, describes my situation point blank. Its so hard to accept. The love is so deep and so real when it is there, it is the most beautiful love and connection I have ever felt in my life. But then things go sideways, and there is no getting through to him, nothing I can say will be heard, and I am faced with an endless ongoing circle of false accusations and claims, invalidations, blame and dismissal. And he never ever comes back around and acknowledges his episodes, or takes any ownership. If I try to talk about it, it turns into another round of projections and deflection and blame. He accuses me of the very things that he is doing and saying. Its so painful, and scary, and confusing, and devastating. And my heartbody is left, looking, longing, yearning for love and loving.
Being loved by him is like following a carrot through a mine field, scraping up breadcrumbs along the way... 🙏🏽💔😔🙏🏽 I pray for strength to pull my head together, tear my heart free, and get out.
@@freshstrt3140 Wow... that is a brave and personal thing to share. And I completely understand the feeling that it feels 'right'... it is not easy to grasp that under some conditions like what you describe, that feeling is what moths must see in a flame. The mind has to be able to work with the heart, or both are lost. I don't know if this description helps, but I feel you are already on your journey if you realize that it cannot last.
"Don't continue setting yourself on fire to warm someone else".That's a good one! Thanks for sharing with us, there is a lot of support on exactly how we can heal from our CPTSD on website www.crappychildhood.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel like I can't relate to people who have had light, fluffy lives, who have no idea what this awareness of real awful is like. People who have experienced hardships seem to have a lot more empathy. Less self interest. Actually interested in getting to know the core of me rather than use me as a disposable friendly face or affirmation factory to go through the motions of a friendship with but not actually seem to care if it's me or someone else fulfilling that role. It's not that I have trouble opening up or regulating sharing or being accommodating or reciprocating, but why is it only people who have been through something recognise me, see me or seem to care about me as an individual and my journey. Why are regular people so unmoved by the people around them and so unaffected by the knowledge of the suffering another person could be experiencing. Maybe you have to have experienced it to relate with or appreciate how someone else could be feeling. Are 'healthy' people just ignorant/spoiled through not having gone through traumas or experienced hardship or suffering?
That's a touch one! I understand what you mean but, in truth we just never know what is going on with another person. Maybe their lives were terrible and they are convincing the world otherwise, maybe their lives have been relatively painless and so they have little empathy, impossible to know.
I struggle with this as well. I completely understand what you're saying. ~DDH~
Hi. I feel what your saying . I think that ( just my opinion) often people who have experienced more challenges , are forced to look and go deeper , and when we do we hopefully see that we are MUCH MORE then what happened to us or our stories, because when your abused , the first way we escape is going into our minds, witch takes us out of the present moment, stuck in the story in our heads, and if we keep repeating mistakes eventually our ego can't take anymore and we become conscious, and conscious of the fact that we are much more then the story of our lives. That we are all one and connected. So we may end up being deeper and more compassionate. Pain is inevitable , but Suffering, is optional , even so, people still unconsciously choose it. It is imperative to educate ourselves on the things that Crappy Childhood Fairy teaches to understand the workings of our minds, and just as imperative is realizing that we are SO MUCH MORE then our minds. That we are the consciousness of the universe. We all are. One giant whole, just pretending to be many. Eckhart Tolle explains it much better 😏
@@kimberlysmith7311 you did a damn good job yourself! 💙
I feel the exact same way, and don’t get it either? But laughed at “affirmation’s factory” lol. I feel like that too…my affirmation factory is quite terrifying, they wouldn’t last a day in my head listening to my inner critic. Lol
My husband has passed away but listening to this...oh boy...we did this a lot. We both had crappy childhood's...explains a lot. We were together over 40 years and through the grace of God and a real heartfelt love for each other and a "want to" we did learn to treat each other with genuine care and respect...to where we both felt loved and secure in the relationship. But I would never wish the dynamic on anyone and it's so good that you are educating people to recognize these things and develop the skills and strategies to break the damaging bondage and develop healthy "bonding".
Thank you for sharing, I'm so glad there was enough love & respect to sustain your marriage for over 40 years!!!
I'm 30 years in an abusive relationship starting now to untangle
That's a lot to disentangle from! There is support for you at Crappy Childhood Fairy! bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
43 years for me. Now in another relationship same thing different person.................... I'm a perfect textbook example. Definitely in need of intervention!
its challenging to let go... theres something in the burn that feels so "good"... i hate having to admit this. Its like all of my senses come alive, and my hearts on fire, and colorful musings of eternal truths on how things "should be" stream through me... I end up living in this imaginary world, learning about all that could be, should be, would be, but isnt.
I truly want to experience healthy love in this life. I know i have the capacity within myself to share healthy honest love, and grow with someone. Theres nothing in the world more that I want.
Ive spent most of my life avoiding and staying out of relationships. For the first time, I know what it feels like to truly want to share my life with someone. I thought I had found that person, but it turns out 🙏🏽😔 no, he is messing with my head quite badly, and breaking my heart again and again. Ive never cried so much in my life. All that is shared in this video, describes my situation point blank. Its so hard to accept. The love is so deep and so real when it is there, it is the most beautiful love and connection I have ever felt in my life. But then things go sideways, and there is no getting through to him, nothing I can say will be heard, and I am faced with an endless ongoing circle of false accusations and claims, invalidations, blame and dismissal. And he never ever comes back around and acknowledges his episodes, or takes any ownership. If I try to talk about it, it turns into another round of projections and deflection and blame. He accuses me of the very things that he is doing and saying to me. Its so painful, and scary, and confusing, and devastating. And my heartbody is left, looking, longing, yearning for love and loving.
Being loved by him is like following a carrot through a mine field, scraping up breadcrumbs along the way... 🙏🏽💔😔🙏🏽 I pray for strength to pull my head together, tear my heart free, and get out.
I’ve been where you still are... I left him 10 months ago (after a 2.5 yr devastationship/manipulationship) I hit my “breaking point.” Hopefully 🙏🏻🙏🏻 you will soon too (you can do it! 🙏🏻😉💜)! It’s not easy, but really, you’ve already been living in “hell” on earth being associated closely with this person. Anything becomes possible again for your life once you’re free of this oppressive stronghold of an individual. Songs like “Lose you to love me” make complete sense once you’re out. 🤗💜
@@mindylehrman6471 thank you so much....
🙏🏽💙💞
@Katheryn_Kelly more self work is needed, which you seem to be aware of. My membership includes courses for Healing CPTSD and Relationships, both of which would be very useful for you given this pattern, a pattern I completely relate to! bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sounds exactly like my former marriage!
OMG! I could write this right now too.. Right now because this is where I am too. Right now right this minute. The burn yes the burn. It's so true for me too.......
There is no dramatic affection passion or love in the cycle. It’s just more neutral emotionally. Then the mean cycle starts again
There are ways to get out of the cycle, it takes some work :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Good chance it's a Narcissist. Lol. My husband is one, and I used to wonder what what different about him. He used to be abusive when he was drinking and taking benzos. Now he is just emotionally unavailable. He takes great care of me and pur son financially, though. Anyways, just wanted to reply because I recognized my situation in your comment. I hope things get better for you. I know its rough. 🙂
@@kimberlysmith7311 you’re 100% correct. He is very difficult, a functional but slightly addicted person, and he also happens to take good care of finances/dog/house etc. but he can be horrible.
Crazy high tolerance for Toxic behavior learned from Parents and continued in love romantic or adult relationships. Not studied. Mostly a dynamic learned from Both Toxic Families. The Abuser and the Victim.
Involuntary Response to an Abandonment On/Off again.
I Deserve to Be Loved Safe, supported, and accepted.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My last relationship was exactly this... it was a slow and insidious process that had me feeling awful. Taking back my life and leaving him was incredibly powerful.
Being empowered to do what is good for us feels so amazing! I'm glad you got to experience that feeling!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank You. My therapist tried to get me to explain how I stayed for 32 years and how now that I realize it must be over financial reasons keep us together. We are transitioning from spouses to friends who try not to hurt each other, and are starting to have therapy once monthly in addition to our now individual therapy to help us to not hurt each other. I do not see him the same way and I feel great.
Thats where my marriage naturally went, I'm still uneasy because he's said one thing to me then went out and gave a whole new version out at work etc. Wouldn't take time off or even talk about my feelings for 45 yrs. I'm kind comfy just the way it is.
Wow this is inspiring to hear. :)
This is so great!
Thank you. I’m tired of friends and family saying I sound like a victim. I’m not. I’m a survivor!
Glad you're here!
yay
Thank you. This was my childhood, my relationships with women, and my adult life. You've just explained my entire life. From my alcoholic parents, to my submission in love and other relationships. I now have a framework for me to recognize what I've been through and how I can use my past to overcome my pain. Thank you.
High tolerance to abusive pain the bonding, abusers know this and try to keep that cycle going. So happy to be out of this!
I basically pushed everyone away and find it hard to let anyone in due to trust issues. It really is a challenge making friends as an adult if you were sheltered for longer than appropriate. Could you elaborate on making friends?
Mom was an alcoholic when my older siblings and I were growing up. It created that hot & cold, where she wanted what any mother would want (to spend as much time with her children as possible) but she was single, had no support network, and was battling her addiction. There were good times, but a lot of lonely times.
Mom got sober, got therapy, made amends, but the victim mentality of my siblings has lead them to exhibit increasingly abusive behavior in every interaction Over the last 10-15 years (since she quit drinking and got help.)
They rationalize and gather together to commiserate around old trauma - but paradoxically, the abusive behavior only began *after* my mom started treating her addiction, like they were scared of her before, and rage-filled after. There was even one instance where one of my adult male siblings physically assaulted our mom (She was absent, but never hit us. Maybe spanked once or twice, but she felt awful and stopped doing that early on)
They blame her for my dad's decision to kill himself (even tho he was mentally ill, full of rage, and was refusing to take his meds at the time - they've basically created this mythos surrounding him, and my mom caught the smoke in the aftermath)
I'm the only one of the siblings in therapy, the only one who has addressed these underlying issues and mended my relationship with my mom as a person. I took the rare opportunity to work with my mother & a therapist to trace the threads of trauma going back in our family. It's brought an enormous sense of strength & resolve, as well as a release of that nagging resentment.... I'm confident I would have been fine doing that on my own, but it brings me joy to have had the chance to include my mom in the healing process. To forgive and move on, and catch up on the hugs we both wanted when I was small.
Do you have a video about children of addicts becoming abusive toward their elder parents in adulthood?
Thanks for sharing
This is an interesting idea for a video, I suggest writing Anna hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com and sharing this scenario. Put 'Ask the Fairy' in the subject line to indicate you are interested in this as a video topic.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Finding that friend is as bad as leaving the abuser. There just isn't anyone the narc can't charm. Then you're under attack from two ganged against you.
When we are working on healing our CPTSD, we have way more chances of attracting healthy people in our lives. Lots of help on crappychildhoodfairy website.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
What's the URL?
I really need help in this
@@JaneJohnson1951 if you click on the downward arrow on the right side of the description box there's a list of different courses. At the bottom of the list is a link to her website. Hope that helps.
@@louisscott8732 👋
@@lorimiller4301 thank you Lori 🙂🙏🌈
Never let someone get away with hurting you in any way. So I must
do whatever I can to ensure that my life is good. Their life is up to them.
The truth is, we start to get hurt less. Partly because as we heal we aren't necessarily around the same people, and partly because healing means we are less bothered by other people's disturbances! Anna's courses are good worthwhile work! It can be a whole new world!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I kind of see it as some love is better than no love. 😥
Yeah, that does not feel good at all.
-Cara@TeamFairy
My X is a Covert Narcissist and widower of 1 year. She mentally and physically abused me for a year. I'd leave when she abused me than she'd beg me back promising to change. I finally ended it for good.
I think I can see now I have been fearful avoidant since I was a child. Which would explain my past tendency to isolate and fall for imaginary relationships or relationships with crumbs or abuse on offer. I was ashamed of being a child of abuse. I was scared normal, loving people would hurt me. My father was on the autistic spectrum (undiagnosed) and had bipolar disorder. He was unpredictable, verbally abusive, and simultaneously unpredictably loving and accepting of his children and spouse. We lived in fear of who he’d be when he got home from work and he refused meds. I lived a childhood of pure terror and lack of safety or security. My parents were so wrapped up - I felt left behind and invisible. I took that to mean I didn’t matter to them. Really, they were worried about paying rent and feeding us. Well, my mom was anyways. My dad was home because he kept quitting jobs due to instability and believing (falsely) that his coworkers were conspiring to kill him. As I get older, I see my parents tried. They loved us a lot. It just was unfortunate that my dad had to hit rock bottom (lose his family/spouse and home forced into treatment) to be able to have some semblance of a functioning life. It makes me sad but also I love him and he loves me, and now he takes meds. He has always loved us.
My group therapist trauma jinxed me and the whole group - he would charm you at first but then would encourage people to criticize you and mock you in your face.
I hope he was reported
There are some pretty strange ideas out there about what group therapy should look like, thanks for being here!
I'm so sorry that happened to you
Nothing is more hurtful than to be a young and innocent child and to be locked into a classroom for 9 months, 5 days a week with a teacher who views you prejudicially as a potential troublemaker and who hyper vigilantly searched for reasons to punish the child, turning 10 year olds children into borderline convicts and street hoods, many of whom never made it past grade school. Seriously.
When all they ever wanted was the validation and assurance they never quite received at home, the only lesson being taught being the behavior of malignant narcissism.
I wish I could give this a million thumbs up! especially 8:40 forward - the void in my life that the trauma bond filled, self-isolation over the shame I felt about my "relationship" w/this guy, and praying for a rescuer afterward - that's exactly how I got stuck in my situation! 😖
Yeah, few can understand except those of us who have been through it.
Oh my god, yeah, that's exactly it. My parents used a literal military torture tactic on me at every second of my life. I've *ALWAYS* felt it very clearly but never had the vocabulary to talk about it and be taken seriously.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's amazing how a NAME for things can help put it into perspective so powerfully.
This is the VLOG (the talking to, the real) I needed my whole life. Very triggering for me, I kept disassociating (flashbacking). I just kept playing the tape over and over until I could receive the message. I have been a part of trauma bonding my entire life. I am 51 and committed to healing and stopping the spread of dysfunction by starting with me. POWERFUL, thank you, Anna.
You are most welcome @Valerie_Inman. I'm glad you're here!
Oh that chicken story💔.....Gosh it’s like when we paid 25 cents at a carnival to look in the trailer window @ adult Siamese twins watching tv....that memory is seared in my mind and it was scary to see as a child.....I ❤️ it when you said if you’re in an abusive relationship I’m going to tell you flat out to get out‼️🌹🌹🌹🌺🌺 you’re the best Anna cuz you’ve been in the trenches 🌿
This is so weird... *I saw those Twins in the trailer.* Arizona state fair, 1973. I will never forget it either. It was 50 cents. I stood there for about half an hour. Quite an impression. Also that night I won a blue ribbon for a rabbit I had raised.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy oh wow! that is so wild....I was in suburban Cleveland....I remember it like it was yesterday 🍭🎪....that is so sweet you won a blue ribbon 🎀.....I miss the simplicity of those days
I had no idea this existed in the 20th century anywhere, let alone the US. And I was born ’68! How incredibly disgusting. 😳😖
Thank you for explaining what a Trauma Bond is. I was raised by a narcissistic mother & alcoholic dad, plus bullied my entire school years (K thru 12th grade). Talk about childhood abuse!! I've been trauma bonding repeatedly throughout my adult life, but never realized it til now
I had this with a boss who I had an emotional affair which lasted 15 months. It was bizarre, I was obsessed (so was he) & nearly lost everything over it. My coworker showered me with love, affection & manipulated me into doing their work. They would say they loved me, wanted me, then would completely gaslight me. The connection / intensity was dangerous. So thankful he left my workplace & was exposed. And that I took complete responsibility for the trauma bond. This channel seriously makes me feel understood & heard. I am now in a very healthy marriage (thank goodness).
It is reassuring when these behaviours resonate- I'm really glad you were able to move on to a healthy relationship!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wish I knew this 4 years ago ..thank you for giving this issue a language and reality
Thank you for being part of the community :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this video.. My father comitted suicide after second try, and my mother tried 3 times.. All in periods of when i was 2,4,6 and 8 yrs old.. After that depression life of my mother.. You get the picture.. Happy moments.. And recently relationship.. Trauma bonding textbook.. Crumbs of nothing.. And rejecting great opportunities for that..
. How crazy is that!? And cream on top she has asperger.. Combination to dream about.. Again thank you.. I was consumed with guilt and shame for bunch of things.. As days go i feel more free of all of it.. Education, bodywork, food, meditation.. Understanding what is happening is the key of healing..
You are doing great, sorry for your hard losses
-Cara@TeamFairy
Gosh Anna, this hits home - so hard. I needed this more than anything. Funny, my "intellectual brain" says, "yep. that is exactly me, makes perfect sense - got it!" - and then, well, emotional brain, "well, yes, but wait, hang on...!" --- uggh....You're the best!
Thank you -- glad it was helpful!
I got into relationship in my late teens that latest 10 years, it was truly horrendous. At this time, I had a bad home life and needed out and he took what I had told him about my situation and played an Oscar role, until I left with him. The abuse began immediately. I haven’t been able to be in a real relationship since. I only managed to run away once my daughter was born. That was were my strength and protective state came in. My wake up call. I do really agree with a comment below about it being extremely hard to make real connections with people who have lived very different lives. They cannot simply begin to comprehend you. That is a fact. I work with survivors and there I know I am helping where I can, in a way I know how. Thank you for your work. X
Thank you for sharing with us, glad you are OK :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've had someone in and out of my life a few times with relationship patterns increasingly resembling what you describe here. I don't believe it was generally deliberate, although the last round almost did feel like a targeted hit after it ended disastrously. I just think trauma shaped both of us to act in unhealthy ways and we tangled with increasing instability trying to replicate the high. I still struggle to avoid idealizing that intense chemistry while ignoring all the damaging things that came with it.
Formerly with a BPD boyfriend. I did my research, tried, hopeful, and felt ridiculous after the mindblows ta dun, one after another. Stuck in rumination, as I can't get my head around it even still.
It takes awhile to process, glad you are here :)
Thank you for all your videos. You are such a beautiful soul & so appreciated. I was abused for 13 years of my childhood only to land in several abusive relationships as an adult. Now I am working to heal and grow. At 35 I feel this should have happened sooner, but it's never too late. ❤
It is never too late!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This perfectly describes my relationship with my mother. She forces me to take her crumbs and gaslights me if I refuse. I don’t have a choice. I need to move out of this household
So weird to live your life and all the sudden noticing that a lot of people ( emotionally ) live a totally other live because they were loved or raised different. Guess that's somehow the lost feeling or something. If it's the home you were raised , abuse by others as a kid , violent relations; as soon as the wrong becomes the standard you're on a hard different path. 😐
It may be a different path but we can get to where we want to go too! It takes more work maybe, but the gift is we are forced to do work that ends up having us more it tune with ourselves and sensitive to others than those who don't need to do it. There is a whole community getting to know each other at Crappy Childhood Fairy!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was me 🥲 I think it was so hard to see for a long time because it wasn’t fights, it was him saying he would work on things and then avoiding me and then saying he wanted to work on things but in reality I was putting in all of the effort and he was given none. It was like he didn’t care but then told me he loved me. It’s all so hard to process now.
"was." Glad you got out!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❤️
I’ve recognised it, I’ve been pushing them away. They are so predictable. He’s so pissed off with me because his bullshit isn’t working, I’ve been matching his investment and behaviour to the point where he tried to DENY it in the same conversation so I quoted him verbatim and left!
Mic drop moment.
No coming back from that hunny. He needs therapy but even if I tried to tell him sincerely I’d get accused of sarcasm and patronising so I’ve let it.
That sounds like you’re dealing with a narcissist and he’s manipulating you
Glad you're realizing you can't help him, just yourself :)
@@andrescanario9738 you are probably right, I think I attract them because my dad possesses narcissistic traits.
@@TanzaniteHayley Hello
Thank you, I've left a " relationship " with a bipolar, narcissist partner. I was a heavy alcoholic when we met and easy to control.
Good for you:)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So happy I found this channel.. thank you. I have so much gratitude to all these professional educated women putting this knowledge out there. This stuff is so needed especially to those of us that were just simply brought up wrong to be frank. To think this lovely woman and Dr Ramani are basically the mothers I run to for advice and guidance because I know somethings not right, somehow makes me feel blessed. I know there’s so many women out there that just don’t have these resources. I feel to cry for my own mum, I wish she could understand all this and not be so caught up in the toxicity of that family.
Nothing but love and respect for you fairy godmother 💛
That is so nice!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I don't know how to make and keep genuine friends. Had so many come and go. I wonder if some of it is my fault. cPTSD may make people run away.
If the same thing keeps happening and we are the common denominator we have to recognize that we need to make some changes. You can learn a lot about yourself in Anna's courses bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’ve been in a trauma bond with an unavailable man for 10 years! I can’t let go for some reason and I’ve tried so many times. Even when I don’t see him for months at a time I’m still attached somehow.
We have more support for you at the Crappy Childhood Fairy website!
-Cara@TeamFairy
We were definitely trauma bonded to each other, and this video helped me to be more certain that leaving it helped him as much as it helped me. His CPTSD is severe and I’ve been worried that protecting myself harmed him in some way, but I’m going to save this video to watch again whenever my brain tells me he’s miserable without me.
I definitely hear what you're saying.Good job.
No dating for 5+ years you would think I would be in the clear. Nope, along comes this “friend” that initially says she needs more girlfriends in her life. Shortly thereafter, there is abusive language, neglect and non-stop arguments followed by apologies. She was also an abused soul, but enough is enough. Thank you for giving us valuable information, but mainly for the hope of a renewed life and valuing ourselves above the pain.
Enough is enough, exactly! You have a lot of value and romantic relationships often require extra support. Anna has courses on connections, dating, and the foundational 'Healing Childhood PTSD' so we can better understand and know ourselves. I hope you'll check them out, here is a membership link. bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
I cried while listening to you speak. I have no other words but thank you
I have only had trauma bond relationships in my life because of severe abuse in childhood.
This was extremly eye opening! I'm also addicted to falling in love, confuse love with anxiety...
You got a new subscriber :)
Welcome to our CCF community! :)
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you for this. It perfectly described my previous relationship. I got out, fortunately.
Thank you for sharing this with us, I'm glad you were able to get out! -Calista@TeamFairy
What a timing...
I started crying when you pointed out that I shouldn’t feel ashamed and guilty for getting hooked to these situations... Thank you.
I received the notification via email to come watch this video literally right after I sent a last text message of closure to a 2 years old situation, which was consumingly and hopelessly similar to what’s described here.
It’s time for me to quit trying to fix what does not need to be resolved. Time to clean up the mess it has left, so this doesn’t repeat in the future again... It is heartbreaking but, as you said, the main priority must be my peace.
I don’t need to get used to crumbs only because that’s how I grew up! I know there’s more for me out there, even if I never find it. Who’s to say? What matters is remembering how much and how good I truly love. And that THAT’S worth more than what I used to get stuck in.
Now it’s time to get cozy by myself with my feelings 😅💚🥲
There is WAY more out there for you than just crumbs! Joining Crappy Childhood Fairy team is a great way to learn exactly how to access it what you want! This is a membership link bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
"You're going to save you"😃☝🏾love it! Absolutely nailed it!
(Verse 1)
Down in the dark recesses of suffering and lies,
A bond formed amidst the hurt and cries,
This emotional attachment, a twisted dance,
Born from abuse, a cruel circumstance.
(Pre-Chorus)
Devaluation and torment, a cycle unbroken,
Yet somehow, positive reinforcement awoken,
Caught in this web, where love and pain intertwine,
A trauma bond, a connection so hard to define.
(Chorus)
Oh, the weight of these scars, they're hard to bear,
But in the depths of my soul, I find strength to share,
Through thoughtful reflection, I'll break free,
From this trauma bond, and finally be me.
(Verse 2)
In the shadows of my mind, memories replay,
The echoes of abuse, haunting every day,
But within this pain, a resilience grows,
Thoughtful introspection, a path that I chose.
(Pre-Chorus)
I won't let the darkness define who I am,
I'll rise above, break free from this cruel sham,
With each step forward, I'll reclaim my worth,
Thoughtful healing, the key to my rebirth.
(Chorus)
(Bridge)
No longer will I be held captive by the past,
Thoughtful liberation, a freedom that will last,
I'll rewrite the narrative, redefine my story,
Embracing my worth, basking in newfound glory.
(Chorus)
(Outro)
This emotional attachment, no longer my chain,
Thoughtful healing, my heart will regain,
With each passing day, I'll grow stronger still,
Breaking free from this bond, reclaiming my will.
Adding to the comment I made here a while ago, my parents would also easily blow up over the smallest things when I was growing up. My memory is really screwed up, so I can’t even remember much of those memories. But the feelings of anger, fear and shame are there and have gotten stronger over time. Nobody deserves parents who act like they love you one moment and then lose their temper the next, especially if you mess up or joke around. Kids can be difficult, but…
I’ve shared on many of your videos. You’ve become a bit of a lifeline for me as I traverse through this, so I want to first say thank you. I’ve been in a trauma bond with a narcissist for over a year now. I’ve cut it off twice and allowed him back both times. Before this, I didn’t even know what a narcissist was, let alone being in a trauma bond. I didn’t know any of this. Im 29 years sober, and going through this is honestly harder than getting sober. Im 58 with very few friends I consider close, and I no longer talk to them about this situation. They always give me the same condescending answer…block him and walk away…with no comprehension of triggered and anxious I get at the thought. For the four months that we were split, I thought of him every single day and hoped I’d hear from him, all the while knowing he was bad for me. When He did come back it was like a weight was lifted. I’ll say this about him, he is never verbally or physically abusive to me. This time around I realized detaching was not the answer. I need to emotionally detach, because he refuses to leave my life and I know I’ll just want him back if I don’t take care of the emotional part of me that wants to stay connected. I had started a healing journey long before I met him, but I’ve really ramped it up and made it the center of my life. I hope I’m on the right path. I’ll check out your dating and relationship course.
I’d like to ask you to make a video on forgiveness. Through this process, I’ve looked closely at how my childhood caretakers failed me terribly. I know forgiveness is key and I’m working on it, but honestly there are so many times I’m f*#^ing furious that my parents screwed me up and I have to be the one to go through this, and they’ve never had any consequences for their terrible behaviors. I’m angry at my higher power for punishing me for something I had no control over and forcing responsibility on me to fix myself when it was they who put this in me. I’m so mad sometimes. Do you have any words? I’m a 58 year old gay man and I have slim hopes of ever finding the happiness I’ve always wanted.
I see what's going on. I'll respond in a video.
The Body Keeps the Score
Excellent book!
Fantastic ... best explanation of trauma bonding I've ever heard !!!
Glad it was helpful!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I never knew this was something a couple could do accidentally. Always thought it was a sociopaths weapon to keep an abused mate on the hook. Fiance and all 3 wives had traumatic childhoods. The relationships proceeding with all the dysregulation probably caused some trauma bonding. Getting free from the fiance and first two wives required acts of congress (there was some stalking and other shameful desperate stuff that went on). Back then I had no idea what CPTSD was (actually before it was recognized). Somehow me and my 3rd wife made it 20 years now. Mostly because we've been working together for the past 15 years. Now armed with an understanding of what's happening life (and love) is getting better each day ... Thank You Anna
My Narcissist younger sister has been emotionally abusive all our lives. She subjects the object of her rage to regular cycles of silent treatment.
She'd lie and regularly create drama out of nothing, and try to drag me into it.
It was extremely painful and depressing. I was ground down by it.
One day I watched a documentary about conditioning lab rats to keep pressing a lever to get a reward. After some time there'd be no reward, and the rats would keep pressing the lever to get the random reward.
They called it 'random reinforcement', and I suddenly realised that that's exactly what's happening with her. Meaningless random reinforcement, that makes me hope that someday she might like me. Might love me, as I loved her.
The great thing about Anna's courses is that we don't need anyone to change to get free from this suffering ourselves! It is truly liberating!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I kind of felt this with a dismissive avoidant person I was seeing
After an incredibly abusive childhood, all I wanted was love and safety. I couldn't understand why I would end up in one abusive relationship after another. I forgave my ex even after I almost lost my life. I always blamed myself for being difficult to love. I was also left with facial scarring that destroyed what self-esteem I had left. I thought I didn't deserve respect or love as I had degraded my self worth and reputation. Thankyou for helping me to understand why this is happening and helping me to make permanent changes. Sending you love from Australia
Rooting for you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love you like a soul sage. Thanks endlessly because i believe there IS hope but fully see eyes wide open as well!!
My most awesome christian girlfriend had her cult pastor trigger her trauma bonding to get rid of me as I was not part of his cult. He punished her over a couple of months once he found out she was with me, deconstructing me and threatening her with god, in the end he told her he was going to kick her out of the place she felt safe and enjoyed his church or get rid of me. Because of the trauma bond she chose the church and he gave her 3 months disciplinary action for disobeying him in the first place.
I love her so much, she has been talking to me a little bit which she is not supposed to do, I find it very difficult to listen to her being abused and not being able to help her because she feels he is just and she has been a sinner to god. I spoke to 2 other pastors from random churches and they cannot believe what he has told her or doing. They wanted to know which church it was but I held back information as I know she is stuck there and if they get onto him, he will deny and then punish her further.
I went to see a psycologist and he said she is being the equivent of laid on the ground and being punched repeatadly.
He also pointed out that she was also using tactics on me which she may not be aware of but her kids did not like me and her church did not like me and I was accepting of both of these relationships but it was kinda like she was using them as weapons to make me feel not accepted which kept me in a loop of wanting to be accepted and I was like..huh!? I did not see that but I definietely see it now.
Parental depression causes this too.
Lots of depressing variations but we can get better!
I watched this video from start to finish because I just ended my relationship/situationship. I finally woke up and I'm trying to understand more about trauma bonding as my friends couldn't understand how I'm feeling about this and they just think I'm "stupid".
Thank you for this video as I learned something about myself.
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
You are meant to explain this…understandable and poignant. Thank you!!
This was mind blowing for the simple fact that you said one statement: this can feel like a drug addiction. Just last week I told my ex fiancé that he felt like my addiction.
How do you stop a parent from pushing the same conditional love buttons long after your an adult. One that has never aplogized for saying things like, get out of my sight or you'll ever amount to anything, parent that now behaves like they were a great parent?
Sadly, we can't stop anyone from doing anything or make them do anything either. My healing soared when I realised this about my abusive family, especially my mother, totally absorbed in her untreated CPTSD and how it colours her view of me. I accepted she is the way she is, and did what I had to do to keep myself safe. At first it was no contact, while I was very vulnerable and just beginning to heal. Now that I've got a stronger sense if self and coping tools (and BOUNDARIES!) I can have some contact with her in what are undoubtedly the last years of her life. I do grey rock, which means I don't talk to her about personal things like my dreams and feelings, or anything in my life she wouldn't approve of, like my sexual identity or my "progressive" views on most everything. We talk about the weather, our gardens, cooking...those are generally safe and she doesn't get triggered and dysregulated and lash out at me. We definitely don't talk about the past, since we'll never agree that she wasn't a good parent or that I wasn't the sole cause of the dysfunction in our family. Our face-to-face contact is very minimal and if I sense on arrival she's already dysregulated, I make an excuse and leave. I highly recommend not only all of Anna's videos on the subject of relationships, but also her Daily Practice course. Certain 12-Step groups and the CPTSD subs on reddit can give you supportive, like-minded communities to help you focus on your healing, vs. whatever your mother does. That is the first step to healing imo. Healing is possible!
It’s sooo hard. And frustrating…It is soo confusing. Awwww….the void in my life being filled- that helps! I absolutely love the “solutions”. Sooo compassionate!! Thank you 🙏 ❤
You are so smart about this Mrs Runkle....you are helping all of us. The universe is going to reward you for all that you do. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
:)
Trauma bonding can be like a drug. Once you've experienced it, you may not even believe you're in love unless you have this dynamic. It's so toxic that it changes the way you view the world. Please, get out if you're in one.
Absolutely, can be like a drug!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"you may not even believe you're in love unless you have this dynamic" wow. What a good point.
Basically i had my fair share of trauma bonds as i was raised with a very fragile self image. What i have to say is the cognitive dissonace that comes with it is very soul crushing and that's why the receiving end of that behavior is trying their best to make the relationship work out because that way it resolves their cognitive dissonance in a positive note and that's why abusers utilize this technique to hook their victims into their ploys
I play this video every time I needed to be reminded why I left my last relationship.
I'm so glad to hear that!
I just broke up with my ex recently, I didn’t realise I had a trauma bond with a narcissist until I completely got out of it.
How about childhood tragedies? My dad loved me enthusiastically and was a very hands-on dad. His business was doing very well and there was lots of work in the building trades post WW2. His electrical contracting business was booming, so he learned to fly, bought a small plane, bid on contracts all over British Columbia, and flew to small towns to wire commercial and private buildings. His plane crashed on one trip, and he was killed. Needless to say, I was very traumatized. Mom married the policeman who gave her the news. He was a very good person and gave us a great family life. He, too, was killed in a car accident when I was 18. I went into marriage too soon and had mom's support. It was a big white wedding paid for by my mom. I had second thoughts the night prior to the wedding, but at age 19, I thought mom invited people from out of town who had come to share my big day, so I had to go ahead. Well, the relationship you describe here is what I endured for 20 years and 4 kids later. I finally got out. I don't want to tell my life story, but tragic loss of a parent to death in childhood also makes a person vulnerable to this type of relationship.
Best explanation of trauma bonding to date. Multi examples given and clearly. I understand it better now. Thank you. (Basically, acceptance of abuse for the comfort of needed attention and apparent love).
Thanks so much for the encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You just explained my life.
Thankfully I got help and got away. I still struggle.
Big hugs for getting away! Sometimes you have to keep vigilant against the tendency. It's a worthy project.
My mother would physically abuse my brother and myself.. and then shower us with food and love..and then next day start over again.unfortunately my brother and myself got into bad relationships... he drowned i. 2018 at 39 yrs and myself at 50 yrs old still planning how to get out of the hell that i have created.
Thankyou anna.
Whew, Anna! I so appreciate how you serve up the truth. I like this heart of the matter approach very much. I went thru a very brief trauma-bonded romance nine years ago and I'm still smarting from the whole experience. The pain is greatly diminished but it sure does linger. I found your videos about 6 months ago and started the daily writing practice about that time as well. It's been quite powerful and I'm starting to witness different reactions to familiar situations. Thank you.
That is so great to hear! I'm so pleased it is helping you!
Makes sense why I feel way more close to my dad than my mom, even though he’s the alcoholic (was abusive in childhood but not in adulthood)
I appreciate your down to earth approach to these topics. You are compassionate towards those who are suffering without doing so much of the “bad othering” that can be found in so many other channels on connected topics, especially narcissism. I think that CPTSD can look like narcissism or narcissistic qualities sometimes if we don’t understand what’s really going on under the hood.
It is very intentional to keep the focus on ourselves and avoid blaming others and we appreciate you acknowledge it. You're right, a person who is often dysregulated can and often is mistaken for a narcissist. Holding back judgement is a big deal if we can do it.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy It’s a big deal and so so tough! Especially if we are looking outside of ourselves for approval. Making others bad and wrong can help us feel better about ourselves, albeit temporarily. It’s not much different from what narcissistic behaviour looks like.