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My mom treated me like this also and I felt bound to take care of her until her death because I kept feeling so guilty to just leave or pay someone to take care of her Her criticism all the time was particularly hostile and horrible. Keeping silent was challenging and I became a robot
@@ijuliette6043 I pray you find peace knowing you were not the problem. Unfortunately, I will refuse to care for her in her old age. She has bonded with my sister, eldest child and my young brother lives in FLA with her.
This video is outstanding. I have suffered a trauma bond without a doubt although I knew I must remain true to myself as best I could. Now, through NO Contact, I have regained my life and myself completely.
Watching this video, it just occurred to me that scapegoating, is a form of gaslighting. It's baked right in. I know the word 'scapegoat' wasn't used in the video, but I was/am my family's scapegoat and this helped me see it. I am NC with them all, and although I've done a lot of reading and watching videos like this about the toxic and abusive family dynamic, I still listen and read and pick up new things that help me understand it all better. Thing is with family, the trauma-bond from childhood is really deep...at least it is for me and even after a number of years no contact (with some unsuccessful retrying with my mother a couple times in between) I still very much feel the effects of the both the bond and the trauma as I was groomed to be the scapegoat and through that very much gaslit throughout childhood. Thank you Dr. Snipes for helping in understanding more about what I've been through. Looking forward to some ways to break the trauma bond.
I am sorry that happened to you and I appreciate you watching. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=CPTSD
Looking forward to your upcoming videos on how to support people in a trauma bond and how to break a trauma bond. For breaking the trauma bond, can you touch on things from both perspectives- the person in the trauma bond as well from the perspective of loved ones who can see what is happening and want to help?
Unlimited CEUs for $59 at AllCEUs.com. Based on this channel's videos and the proceeds support our continued mission to make these resources available.
Hello, Doc Snipes! I’d love to see a video from you on the connection between “abuser” and “victim” types and aversion to boredom. I’m a psychology geek, not a professional, but through my own therapy and observing others I have come to realise that this is not a topic that is discussed much. Thank you for your work! Best wishes to you 🙌💜
Spot on. This is exactly how the abuser act ! Isolation from friends, from letting you go out even with family members, controlling everything you do, every step you take, everything you like, your tastes in music, movies, how you dress, how you talk, EVERYTHING is "wrong" with the partner. It doesn't make in every case the partner to get lower self-esteem, or to believe that she is unlovable. It can result in years of endless fighting and hatred as an end to the relationship!
You’re very welcome. I’m glad to be of service. If you’d like to explore this topic further or browse related videos, feel free use my Ai: allceus.com/AskDocSnipes. I’d also love to hear what you found most helpful from the video if you’re open to sharing.
Had a friend that ironically made a point about us not trauma bonding then proceeded to do just that. I have strong boundaries but also a lot of tolerance for other people which means I ended up being friends with them a few years before I got tired of them being incapable of mentally or emotionally having the capacity to reciprocate any signs of positive friendship. It slapped me in the face when she negotiated our friendship to a place where I couldn't have intellectual/introspective conversation(which are the only conversations that mean anything to me in friendships) because she can't handle it. There's no amounting of caring that's going to make that type of friendship worth it when people are hell bent on self sabotaging their life and trying to get you to do the same. I don't care to be anyone's mom friend/party friend or therapizing grown adults. My own company is good enough I'm not desperate for interaction and am generally content in life. I found myself asking what's the point of such a friendship I knew I didn't agree with any of her morals or behavior and her lack of critical thinking despite her habit of throwing around her degree and pedigree. I have so much to get off my chest because I tried so hard to be a good friend because at the time I wanted to make friends so I put in the effort and i feel so robbed. I learned a damn good lesson, I refuse to hold a friendship with mentally ill people. You realize they're mentally ill because they're so clearly lost in the sauce. I will never hold my tongue for people who are so badly in need of a slap of reality. Before I'd say it took 3 or so years to call someone my friend now I have to bump that to a 5 year probation until they prove their worthy of any of the data I pay to use or free time to socialize. It's always so obvious, never taking the bate again. I'm properly going through the stages of mourning a friendship that apparently never was. Throwing this into the interwebs so more people can listen to their intuition earlier than later and get out quick.
"Harder to break than a heroin addiction." Yep, because abuse is targeting parts of ourselves and it instructs us to stifle down the parts of ourselves which would put boundaries. It is like being invaded by Putin and the first thing aggressor would do is they target police, army, culture and administration - so that we lose our basic identity - and then we rely and depend on abuser to give us those basic parts of ourselves through them. They give their opinion - which appears as ultimate truth to us. They appear as god to us. We are then punished for natural and normal mistakes - where universal double binding paradox and dualism phenomena is used against us: anything we do is explained as wrong. CBT does this through instruction that we are imagining the abuse and that we must change our thinking in order to crap fit into narcissistic abuse (ABC Model). Anti dote is in Jung's archetype called trickster. It means that we rely on ourselves, that we build self acceptance and start cutting toxic people out and relocate with time. Until then we use defense mechanisms to survive and spoil the milk to parasite(s) in whatever means available or possible.
Thank god it never got that far with me and the person I dealt with. I walked away pretty easily but the abuser was devastated, he went bananas. Thank god for the internet and RUclips and I figured out it was a narcissist or I might still be with the other person.
Important topic, it is great that we are exposed to trauma aware information - where our anxieties are explained through the prism of abuse rather then explaining our fears as hallucination or something imaginary. Once we can shape our anxiety, when we can lighten up the dark room which is fear - we can start doing something about it in constructive, healthy and functional manner. When we are in the dark, when we have no knowledge about our true reality around us, we are powerless and we make wrong decisions, often making everything worse than before doing anything at all. Very often in life we are forced to make quick decisions all the time - without correct information we will self sabotage ourselves. With toxic shame internalized inside us (because of relentless criticism while growing up) we will develop external reference locus of control, or trauma bonding, or Stockholm Syndrome. This happens because we have internalized deep core belief of toxic shame that we are inept to manage our life - and therefore we rely on other people to instruct us what to do - which toxic people will sniff out and take advantage of us. Toxic shame will force us to fawn and to be people pleaser and pushover - making trauma bonding even more firm: where other person's validation and opinion is the ultimate truth and appears as addiction, pushing us into codependency, or lack of self love (explained by Ross Rosenberg). Anti-dote to trauma bonding is learning about Jung - that we allow suppressed parts of ourselves to come alive - childish parts of ourselves which will give us energy where previously we had none - to cut contact, to retort to disrespect. In short, to allow ourselves to have natural reaction to abuse - where previously we would self censor, shut up and take the blame and other person's aggression and violence as something normal and something to live with. Cutting contact with toxic people is anti-dote to trauma bonding. Being nice, being cooperative, being kind is not pathology. It becomes dangerous only with the presence of exploitative, Machiavellian toxic person in our ambient presenting themselves as saviour, help or friend yet filled with criticism, nagging, complaints, attacks and exploitation/extortion.
This sounds EXACTLY like the relationship I had with my ex!! A video on how to deal with life after this and the depression, anxiety, ptsd extra that comes along with it.... would b awesome!
I am sorry for that and I appreciate you for watching. Another video that might help is the one on 7 Signs You Have a Trauma Bond www.docsnipes.com/TB7
Trauma bond occurs when we rely on other person to make decisions for us, when we seek their validation and approval and when their words and opinions appear as ultimate truth to us, command and universal rule to follow. Trauma bond occurs when we hate our self and when we have toxic shame inside us. Toxic people sniff this easily and they present themselves as saviours, help, friend - yet in the same time they have mood swings, order us how to talk, think and act, they throw temper tantrums especially when we slighted them in any way which is difficult to live with yet we believe we are at fault and that we must magically change something about ourselves inside which they define all the time - toxic shaming is integral part of trauma bonding. It is us being inferior and they are presenting themselves as superior, competent, good, strong, capable.
its a crazy thing and thanks for the video on this not sure how this can happen from the other side of the planet but it did and its 83 days NC and if i go back i will die, its been so horrible never cried so much in my life me CPTSD
He was successful in forming the trauma bond but he didn't expect me to have such a strong connection to my family and friends, his efforts to separate me from them were not successful and he kinda gave up I believe, he said he needed to be the absolute priority in my life and that I should drop everything to meet his needs. He actually said I hurt his feelings when I said I made plans with my best friend. I got lucky because I saw the patterns but it didn't shield me from the pain and hurt...
It sounds like you showed incredible strength and self-awareness in recognizing those patterns and staying connected with your support system despite the pressure you faced. Trauma bonds can be so difficult because they often create emotional confusion, blending care with control. The fact that you maintained your connections and identified the red flags early on is truly powerful, even though it understandably still brought pain. Healing from this kind of experience involves validating your feelings-it’s okay to feel hurt, even when you know someone’s behavior was unhealthy. Give yourself permission to grieve and process the impact while also celebrating the boundaries you upheld. If this video was helpful, please consider sharing it to help others recognize trauma bonding patterns and feel empowered in their own healing journey. For more in-depth resources on emotional healing and boundary setting, you can visit DocSnipes.com/Clones. You’re doing important work in reclaiming your emotional well-being.
One that is raised in a family that T bonds sets them up for clicking easily with other T bonders, imo. Like one might think they're finally getting free from family with the help from mentoring support they've prayed for just to find it was another T bonder who is trying to swallow up lost and easy pickings. Recognizing T bonds and working on doubts and independence skills is crucial to not getting in another hunter's trap.
I am sorry that happened to you and I appreciate you watching. Here’s another recent video on Trauma Bond, you might be interested in: ruclips.net/video/ljQVSbxvlKA/видео.html
Don't think I have a bond. I don't have any confusion about how I feel , I don't feel any connection to the abusive partner . How can you have bond with someone who is constantly trying to put you down , or gaslight you every single day?!!
You can be with an abusive person, and be gaslighted, put down and still not be trauma bonded to them. I've experienced both, that's the only reason I know this for a fact. A trauma bond is something only people who are very sick do to an unsuspecting person, to draw them in and destroy them, because they can. It's just a game to them and they never cared about you. Be very glad you do not have a trauma bond!
@@edelweissdebergbaldrian7696 Honestly, I have no words how much of an abuser my husband is and have been always, for decades in fact! Not much physically, but in any other sense..... I don't wish it on anyone, not even to happen to my worst enemy! My guy is literally sick with his endless desire to control me and try to make himself look as a husband who CARES for his wife! Just a mask in front of the kids and neighbors!
@@aponi243 I wished I had left years ago. He was mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. The day he tried to end me, I took my child and left. It can get very bad, please be careful!
"How can you have bond with someone who is constantly trying to put you down " Good question - the difference is Complex trauma. Growing up in verbal abuse, narcissistic abuse and neglect: constant and relentless criticism 24/7 we get conditioned to be passive and to trauma bond - this happens through system called Skinner's box: it is form of hypnosis where you are punished if you speak up, if you show emotions and when you are not appeasing to the abuser, untreated mentally ill person in toxic ambient. With such conditioning, you feel trauma bond with abusers - you crave for their approval and validation because when we were growing up - instead of learning about cooperation and being equal and self love and taking care of ourselves - we were conditioned to serve, to be subservient and to fear mistakes and feel enormous toxic shame, internalized guilt about anything that anyone who is loud objects about. Then your availability heuristics (this is the way we see world) becomes filtered through perfectionism and deep self hatred. Then we end up with attracting similar toxic people - since this is familiar to us. When we are constantly triggered - we are in survival mode - and our amygdala gets hijacked - all the time - and this makes us into mental fog, we have veil over our eyes and we cannot see reality clearly. With conditioning we interpret gaslighting as normal - and this is recipe for trauma bonding. When we try to seek help - CBT will explain us that we are hallucinating anxiety and that our panic attacks are imaginary, and that toxic people do not exist at all, and that we can change the abuse by lobotomy: CBT does this through ABC model: where we are instructed to change our thoughts in order to crap fit into abuse. This "help" from CBT created even more of trauma bonding - which I experienced as being pushover, fawning and people pleasing. That is why there are people who are confused about blunt disrespect - to us we will normalize put downs as normal part of life and something that is our fault, and that we must fit into. The main shock here is: This all springs up from growing up in ambient of constant and relentless criticism 24/7. Words do have impact on human psyche, whereas CBT tells that thoughts are not facts and that other people cannot influence our emotions (which is untrue). There is research that exposure to long term narcissistic abuse can cause brain injury. Your question is excellent - since "normal" people who were not brought up in Complex Trauma ambient will notice abuse - first of all, it is highly likely that they will repel abusers with being honest and authentic - abusers hate this. "Normal" and "healthy" individuals brought up in functional homes will react to red flags in natural way - they will even scream and yell at abuser, be anti-social and this will put off many abusers away. With Complex Trauma conditioning we were programmed to be nice, kind, silent and friendly to everyone all the time, especially if the other persons are aggressive and violent and disrespectful. More importantly - "normal" and healthy individuals without Complex trauma conditioning will cut contact with toxic people. With Complex trauma we feel deep shame and guilt if we cut contact, due to conditioning. This conditioning was observed in 1968 by Jane Elliot in racial issues: she noticed in her exercise of abuse that children who were exposed to disrespect had developed symptoms of isolation and confusion and the children were failing in previously excellent levels of test results. So toxic people have a great influence on our trauma bonding, our cognitive skills and social skills, too. Your question is excellent because it shows that due to circumstances, even "normal" and non traumatized individuals can get into traumatic traumatized trauma bonding environment - and unlike the individuals with complex trauma, they will react naturally to abuse: 1) you will wonder how can you trauma bond with abuser 2) you will externalize anxiety and fears and blame the true source of abuse: toxic person. Complex trauma prevents this - we never accuse the other person, we turn blame inside. And CBT joins into hysteria and promoted self hatred and self blame. Of course, there are narcissists out there who will blame other people for everything - and narcissism must be addressed too. The difference between narcissist and "normal" people who blame toxic people for problems rather than self blaming oneself - is that narcissists are focused on chaos, destruction and keeping problem ongoing, there will never be admission of mistake and any vulnerabilities. Whereas normal people will strive to find solutions without hurting the other person in the process as narcissists do. There is Jane Elliott's Blue Eyes, Brown Eyes experiment, exercise - that showed that social settings can influence the targets. There is Narcissistic abuse: Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage. There is Stanford prison experiment where it is shown that targets of abuse in toxic ambient where they cannot escape from will develop extreme social anxiety. There is Skinner's box and Little Albert experiment which shows that people can be conditioned and initiated into social anxiety.
@@ranc1977 I don't relate to the people who grew up in constant criticism, there wasn't any in my case. I don't relate to ever trying to please people around me, just the opposite. I always do what I think is good for me too, or I never do it. Good not in the sense to avoid conflict, all the time I do what I believe is the right thing to do with the full knowledge that it will create conflict. In fact personally I never avoid conflicts, I only know when to end the endless ones in which I have zero interest.
Yes yes thank you so much for saying the piece about the victim believes that the abuser loves her if I could convey anything to someone outside who doesn't understand your video is such an accurate portrayal of what I went through for decades of abuse thinking that it was all my fault and truly believing it and believing 100% that he loved me I really did and I had to be two people he was two people so I had to be two people to survive and I do believe that he loved the side of me that he was his extension but I had no idea what was happening when I was in it not until I got out did I clearly see what had happened to me
They absolutely know what they do because they don't act like that around certain people. They CHOOSE to do it behind closed doors so the outside world doesn't see the monster they truly are. In society they're loving and fun and kind....in private, evil
Dr Snipes, is the behavior of the abuser as cold and calculated as it seems? or is it the horrific coping/attachment style of an individual who has been through too much? i hope this question makes sense. thank you.
Abusers start out the answer to your prayers. Kind and sensitive and generous. Doting and loving. The abuse started slowly, a strange comment that's sounds insulting but your not sure...a snide remark under their breath, little things...but at the same time their loving and appears sweet. It's extremely confusing. Maybe your dressing wrong or, "if you wear this or did this to ur hait..." It's like the frog in a pot...at first the water is cold and the frog doesn't know he's in peril but the water is slowly heated so by the time frog knows he's in trouble, it's too late.... They mix horrible abuse with love....one night of screaming and calling you the most vile name then ,poof...they act like nothing happened and love bomb you.... They will never ever actually apologize or take accountability. And they never ever want to talk about your needs ,your feelings etc....everything is about them and only them...and YOU are the problem, always for everything.....its the worst sort of mind game on earth....
@@DocSnipes how does this intentional behavior develop? It seems highly intelligent but incredibly evil at the same time. Just want to get more of understanding of how people become abusers. I have been told that PD have a genetic influence. Thanks for your response, just wanted a deeper understanding.
People in a "trauma bond" likely both have very low self esteem and yes, don't know how to have safe, loving connection with a combination of boundaries and intimacy. You can't have one without the other. You can't have deep connection without full autonomy. These are learned behaviors, probably from watching parents abuse each other. The trauma bond "victim" is probably someone with an anxious attachment wound who fears autonomy (what once was called Co depedent). All relationships are co created. It's been long stated that people marry at the same level of differentiation, meaning the ability to have emotions that are separate but connected. Being emotionally fused is never healthy, but at the same time it's a natural process. If something doesn't feel right, you say it, and you see how a person reacts. That's how you get your answer.
She did say that the abuser knows what he/she is doing. But it's likely learned too. But that brings up the age old debate on nature vs. nurture. Are some people just born abusive? Idk, maybe they're more apt to become that way than someone else if not nurtured with love and caring. But that's pretty hard to prove I think. Most of the time I think those who end up abusing, were abused themselves. That being said though, I'm not so sure that every single abuser is that aware of the fact that their actions are to control another person. I do think that some abusers are so self-absorbed and so unaware they don't have much of a clue as to how their actions hurt others, including their own children. But whether these monsters are aware or not, the damage is the same so it doesn't really matter much.
There's a diagnosed narcissist on TikTok who explains the lovebombing phase as "FINALLY! I've found someone who understands me, who isn't an idiot like everyone else, someone who's worth my time!" & He feels like he has to commit 100% to the relationship. Later, there's the disappointment. Nobody is ever good enough for the narcissist. He gets to the point of "Oh shit, I'm wasting every second of my life that I'm with this fool, they're an active drain on me. F*ck this person..." Kinda like a company that finds out you won't work long hours for starvation wages. Eventually they decide, f*ck this worker.
But i know it's not me making him angry. Am i still supposed to be the punching bag for his frustration and anger? Even though i know this, he throws me into flashbacks and it interrupts my life and my own goals interests and pursuits.
Is the abuser aware that they're doing this pattern ? I mean, do they intentionally think to themselves, " gonna gaslight them now. Okay now it's time to control"... etc. Are they aware of these ?
most often no. The exception would be in someone who has Antisocial Personality or Narcissistic Personality, but even in those people it is largely subconscious
In the beginning during the love bombing stage you tell everyone what a wonderful man he is and how good he is to you. So when you're in the devaluing stage not only can you not believe it but you're also too embarrassed to tell others what's going on. So you cover for him hoping he will change back. Who's going to believe you? Before knowing about trauma bonding and narcissism I carried so much guilt thinking I made him change and tried desperately to appease- not knowing this was the pattern. It's all a setup to trap and humiliate you from the start.
Thank you for sharing your experience-it takes a lot of courage to reflect so openly on something as complex and painful as a trauma bond. What you described-the confusion, guilt, and isolation during the devaluing stage-is unfortunately a common experience in relationships with narcissistic patterns. The love bombing phase can create a false sense of security and connection, making it so much harder to recognize or leave when the dynamic shifts. It’s important to remember that this cycle is not your fault, and nothing you did “made” them change. Understanding trauma bonding and the manipulative patterns involved can be incredibly freeing. It helps shift the blame off yourself and onto the behaviors that created this dynamic. Healing from this takes time, but with self-compassion, support, and healthy boundaries, it is absolutely possible. If you found this video helpful, please consider sharing it to help others who might also be struggling to make sense of similar experiences. You can find more in-depth tools and resources at DocSnipes.com/Clones. How are you doing on your healing journey now? I’d love to offer any additional insights or support if needed.
Omg this is me and my ex boyfriend 😢 💔 ❤️🩹 it took me 3 years to get over that relationship, and still I remember that “love” and feel like I will never have it again. And oh please, I don’t want that kind of “love” anymore. But how to build healthy relationship? Too traumatized and scared to trust someone😢. I really want healthy relationships tho.
I am sorry about that and I appreciate you watching. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=CPTSD
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👌More videos can be found on this topic at
ruclips.net/p/PLcB3trehXswjrrtb03o8wIMjEBhhnfVL0&si=lxGWRRxQT5ZjAHc0
❤️Self help activities and worksheets and concierge coaching with Dr. Snipes can be accessed at DocSnipes.com
👍Online Courses for Continuing Education (CEU, OPD, CPD) and Substance Abuse Counselor Certification
This is the relationship my mother gave my whole life. As an adult I was able to speak up for myself while recognizing she was wrong the whole time.
My mom treated me like this also and I felt bound to take care of her until her death because I kept feeling so guilty to just leave or pay someone to take care of her
Her criticism all the time was particularly hostile and horrible. Keeping silent was challenging and I became a robot
My supervisor also treats me like this so much do after more than 15 years I just can't go to work
@@ijuliette6043 I pray you find peace knowing you were not the problem. Unfortunately, I will refuse to care for her in her old age. She has bonded with my sister, eldest child and my young brother lives in FLA with her.
I am sorry for that and I appreciate you watching. Another video that might help is the one on 7 Signs You Have a Trauma Bond: www.docsnipes.com/TB7
This video is outstanding. I have suffered a trauma bond without a doubt although I knew I must remain true to myself as best I could. Now, through NO Contact, I have regained my life and myself completely.
Thank you for watching. Another video that might help is the one on 7 Signs You Have a Trauma Bond www.docsnipes.com/TB7
Watching this video, it just occurred to me that scapegoating, is a form of gaslighting. It's baked right in. I know the word 'scapegoat' wasn't used in the video, but I was/am my family's scapegoat and this helped me see it. I am NC with them all, and although I've done a lot of reading and watching videos like this about the toxic and abusive family dynamic, I still listen and read and pick up new things that help me understand it all better.
Thing is with family, the trauma-bond from childhood is really deep...at least it is for me and even after a number of years no contact (with some unsuccessful retrying with my mother a couple times in between) I still very much feel the effects of the both the bond and the trauma as I was groomed to be the scapegoat and through that very much gaslit throughout childhood.
Thank you Dr. Snipes for helping in understanding more about what I've been through. Looking forward to some ways to break the trauma bond.
I am sorry that happened to you and I appreciate you watching. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=CPTSD
I wasn't able to detach myself from two narcissistic friends for years. But when I got clarity I went no contact. I am glad I am away from them.
Looking forward to your upcoming videos on how to support people in a trauma bond and how to break a trauma bond. For breaking the trauma bond, can you touch on things from both perspectives- the person in the trauma bond as well from the perspective of loved ones who can see what is happening and want to help?
Unlimited CEUs for $59 at AllCEUs.com. Based on this channel's videos and the proceeds support our continued mission to make these resources available.
Hello, Doc Snipes! I’d love to see a video from you on the connection between “abuser” and “victim” types and aversion to boredom. I’m a psychology geek, not a professional, but through my own therapy and observing others I have come to realise that this is not a topic that is discussed much. Thank you for your work! Best wishes to you 🙌💜
You’re so welcome. Thanks for watching. Here are more videos on trauma: ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=trauma
Spot on. This is exactly how the abuser act ! Isolation from friends, from letting you go out even with family members, controlling everything you do, every step you take, everything you like, your tastes in music, movies, how you dress, how you talk, EVERYTHING is "wrong" with the partner.
It doesn't make in every case the partner to get lower self-esteem, or to believe that she is unlovable. It can result in years of endless fighting and hatred as an end to the relationship!
Thank you for watching. Another video that might help is the one on 7 Signs You Have a Trauma Bond www.docsnipes.com/TB7
@@DocSnipes Thank you for your videos, they are truly insightful!
Have a good day!😃🦋
Love the shorter video too! Both kind r amazing. But shorter is easier to watch all at once.
Thanks for watching!
Thank you for this Doctor 🙏
You’re very welcome. I’m glad to be of service. If you’d like to explore this topic further or browse related videos, feel free use my Ai: allceus.com/AskDocSnipes. I’d also love to hear what you found most helpful from the video if you’re open to sharing.
Had a friend that ironically made a point about us not trauma bonding then proceeded to do just that. I have strong boundaries but also a lot of tolerance for other people which means I ended up being friends with them a few years before I got tired of them being incapable of mentally or emotionally having the capacity to reciprocate any signs of positive friendship. It slapped me in the face when she negotiated our friendship to a place where I couldn't have intellectual/introspective conversation(which are the only conversations that mean anything to me in friendships) because she can't handle it. There's no amounting of caring that's going to make that type of friendship worth it when people are hell bent on self sabotaging their life and trying to get you to do the same. I don't care to be anyone's mom friend/party friend or therapizing grown adults. My own company is good enough I'm not desperate for interaction and am generally content in life. I found myself asking what's the point of such a friendship I knew I didn't agree with any of her morals or behavior and her lack of critical thinking despite her habit of throwing around her degree and pedigree. I have so much to get off my chest because I tried so hard to be a good friend because at the time I wanted to make friends so I put in the effort and i feel so robbed. I learned a damn good lesson, I refuse to hold a friendship with mentally ill people. You realize they're mentally ill because they're so clearly lost in the sauce. I will never hold my tongue for people who are so badly in need of a slap of reality. Before I'd say it took 3 or so years to call someone my friend now I have to bump that to a 5 year probation until they prove their worthy of any of the data I pay to use or free time to socialize. It's always so obvious, never taking the bate again. I'm properly going through the stages of mourning a friendship that apparently never was. Throwing this into the interwebs so more people can listen to their intuition earlier than later and get out quick.
Harder to break than a heroin addiction. You may take your own life after a narcissistic discard and trauma bond
I appreciate you watching.
"Harder to break than a heroin addiction."
Yep, because abuse is targeting parts of ourselves and it instructs us to stifle down the parts of ourselves which would put boundaries. It is like being invaded by Putin and the first thing aggressor would do is they target police, army, culture and administration - so that we lose our basic identity - and then we rely and depend on abuser to give us those basic parts of ourselves through them.
They give their opinion - which appears as ultimate truth to us. They appear as god to us. We are then punished for natural and normal mistakes - where universal double binding paradox and dualism phenomena is used against us: anything we do is explained as wrong. CBT does this through instruction that we are imagining the abuse and that we must change our thinking in order to crap fit into narcissistic abuse (ABC Model).
Anti dote is in Jung's archetype called trickster.
It means that we rely on ourselves, that we build self acceptance and start cutting toxic people out and relocate with time.
Until then we use defense mechanisms to survive and spoil the milk to parasite(s) in whatever means available or possible.
Why would you give another person that much power?
Thank god it never got that far with me and the person I dealt with. I walked away pretty easily but the abuser was devastated, he went bananas.
Thank god for the internet and RUclips and I figured out it was a narcissist or I might still be with the other person.
Important topic, it is great that we are exposed to trauma aware information - where our anxieties are explained through the prism of abuse rather then explaining our fears as hallucination or something imaginary. Once we can shape our anxiety, when we can lighten up the dark room which is fear - we can start doing something about it in constructive, healthy and functional manner. When we are in the dark, when we have no knowledge about our true reality around us, we are powerless and we make wrong decisions, often making everything worse than before doing anything at all. Very often in life we are forced to make quick decisions all the time - without correct information we will self sabotage ourselves.
With toxic shame internalized inside us (because of relentless criticism while growing up) we will develop external reference locus of control, or trauma bonding, or Stockholm Syndrome. This happens because we have internalized deep core belief of toxic shame that we are inept to manage our life - and therefore we rely on other people to instruct us what to do - which toxic people will sniff out and take advantage of us. Toxic shame will force us to fawn and to be people pleaser and pushover - making trauma bonding even more firm: where other person's validation and opinion is the ultimate truth and appears as addiction, pushing us into codependency, or lack of self love (explained by Ross Rosenberg).
Anti-dote to trauma bonding is learning about Jung - that we allow suppressed parts of ourselves to come alive - childish parts of ourselves which will give us energy where previously we had none - to cut contact, to retort to disrespect. In short, to allow ourselves to have natural reaction to abuse - where previously we would self censor, shut up and take the blame and other person's aggression and violence as something normal and something to live with. Cutting contact with toxic people is anti-dote to trauma bonding.
Being nice, being cooperative, being kind is not pathology. It becomes dangerous only with the presence of exploitative, Machiavellian toxic person in our ambient presenting themselves as saviour, help or friend yet filled with criticism, nagging, complaints, attacks and exploitation/extortion.
I appreciate you watching. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at: ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=trauma
This sounds EXACTLY like the relationship I had with my ex!! A video on how to deal with life after this and the depression, anxiety, ptsd extra that comes along with it.... would b awesome!
I appreciate you watching. Here’s the video on helping someone with a trauma bond: ruclips.net/video/cp--1lNbQ1o/видео.html
Wow thank you so much this is exactly what happened to me I feel so seen
I am sorry for that and I appreciate you for watching. Another video that might help is the one on 7 Signs You Have a Trauma Bond www.docsnipes.com/TB7
Can you trauma bond with a friend that went through a similar situation as you?
absolutely! happened every single time.
It doesnt have to be as traumatic as the original tb but it makes sense.
Trauma bond occurs when we rely on other person to make decisions for us, when we seek their validation and approval and when their words and opinions appear as ultimate truth to us, command and universal rule to follow. Trauma bond occurs when we hate our self and when we have toxic shame inside us. Toxic people sniff this easily and they present themselves as saviours, help, friend - yet in the same time they have mood swings, order us how to talk, think and act, they throw temper tantrums especially when we slighted them in any way which is difficult to live with yet we believe we are at fault and that we must magically change something about ourselves inside which they define all the time - toxic shaming is integral part of trauma bonding. It is us being inferior and they are presenting themselves as superior, competent, good, strong, capable.
Thank you Dr. Snipes this is helpful. 🤔❤🇺🇸
So welcome! I appreciate you watching. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=CPTSD
its a crazy thing and thanks for the video on this not sure how this can happen from the other side of the planet but it did and its 83 days NC and if i go back i will die, its been so horrible never cried so much in my life me CPTSD
I am sorry about that. Please feel free to use my AI to better help you navigate this difficult situation: allceus.com/AskDocSnipes
@@DocSnipes Thanks
He was successful in forming the trauma bond but he didn't expect me to have such a strong connection to my family and friends, his efforts to separate me from them were not successful and he kinda gave up I believe, he said he needed to be the absolute priority in my life and that I should drop everything to meet his needs. He actually said I hurt his feelings when I said I made plans with my best friend. I got lucky because I saw the patterns but it didn't shield me from the pain and hurt...
It sounds like you showed incredible strength and self-awareness in recognizing those patterns and staying connected with your support system despite the pressure you faced. Trauma bonds can be so difficult because they often create emotional confusion, blending care with control. The fact that you maintained your connections and identified the red flags early on is truly powerful, even though it understandably still brought pain.
Healing from this kind of experience involves validating your feelings-it’s okay to feel hurt, even when you know someone’s behavior was unhealthy. Give yourself permission to grieve and process the impact while also celebrating the boundaries you upheld.
If this video was helpful, please consider sharing it to help others recognize trauma bonding patterns and feel empowered in their own healing journey. For more in-depth resources on emotional healing and boundary setting, you can visit DocSnipes.com/Clones. You’re doing important work in reclaiming your emotional well-being.
One that is raised in a family that T bonds sets them up for clicking easily with other T bonders, imo. Like one might think they're finally getting free from family with the help from mentoring support they've prayed for just to find it was another T bonder who is trying to swallow up lost and easy pickings. Recognizing T bonds and working on doubts and independence skills is crucial to not getting in another hunter's trap.
Omg me and my partner have had this listen for 14 years. When it gets to the last stage either i leave or he does then it starts all over.
I am sorry that happened to you and I appreciate you watching. Here’s another recent video on Trauma Bond, you might be interested in: ruclips.net/video/ljQVSbxvlKA/видео.html
Don't think I have a bond. I don't have any confusion about how I feel , I don't feel any connection to the abusive partner . How can you have bond with someone who is constantly trying to put you down , or gaslight you every single day?!!
You can be with an abusive person, and be gaslighted, put down and still not be trauma bonded to them. I've experienced both, that's the only reason I know this for a fact. A trauma bond is something only people who are very sick do to an unsuspecting person, to draw them in and destroy them, because they can. It's just a game to them and they never cared about you. Be very glad you do not have a trauma bond!
@@edelweissdebergbaldrian7696 Honestly, I have no words how much of an abuser my husband is and have been always, for decades in fact! Not much physically, but in any other sense.....
I don't wish it on anyone, not even to happen to my worst enemy! My guy is literally sick with his endless desire to control me and try to make himself look as a husband who CARES for his wife! Just a mask in front of the kids and neighbors!
@@aponi243 I wished I had left years ago. He was mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. The day he tried to end me, I took my child and left. It can get very bad, please be careful!
"How can you have bond with someone who is constantly trying to put you down "
Good question -
the difference is Complex trauma.
Growing up in verbal abuse, narcissistic abuse and neglect: constant and relentless criticism 24/7 we get conditioned to be passive and to trauma bond - this happens through system called Skinner's box: it is form of hypnosis where you are punished if you speak up, if you show emotions and when you are not appeasing to the abuser, untreated mentally ill person in toxic ambient. With such conditioning, you feel trauma bond with abusers - you crave for their approval and validation because when we were growing up - instead of learning about cooperation and being equal and self love and taking care of ourselves - we were conditioned to serve, to be subservient and to fear mistakes and feel enormous toxic shame, internalized guilt about anything that anyone who is loud objects about. Then your availability heuristics (this is the way we see world) becomes filtered through perfectionism and deep self hatred. Then we end up with attracting similar toxic people - since this is familiar to us. When we are constantly triggered - we are in survival mode - and our amygdala gets hijacked - all the time - and this makes us into mental fog, we have veil over our eyes and we cannot see reality clearly. With conditioning we interpret gaslighting as normal - and this is recipe for trauma bonding.
When we try to seek help - CBT will explain us that we are hallucinating anxiety and that our panic attacks are imaginary, and that toxic people do not exist at all, and that we can change the abuse by lobotomy: CBT does this through ABC model: where we are instructed to change our thoughts in order to crap fit into abuse. This "help" from CBT created even more of trauma bonding - which I experienced as being pushover, fawning and people pleasing.
That is why there are people who are confused about blunt disrespect - to us we will normalize put downs as normal part of life and something that is our fault, and that we must fit into.
The main shock here is:
This all springs up from growing up in ambient of constant and relentless criticism 24/7. Words do have impact on human psyche, whereas CBT tells that thoughts are not facts and that other people cannot influence our emotions (which is untrue).
There is research that exposure to long term narcissistic abuse can cause brain injury.
Your question is excellent - since "normal" people who were not brought up in Complex Trauma ambient will notice abuse - first of all, it is highly likely that they will repel abusers with being honest and authentic - abusers hate this. "Normal" and "healthy" individuals brought up in functional homes will react to red flags in natural way - they will even scream and yell at abuser, be anti-social and this will put off many abusers away. With Complex Trauma conditioning we were programmed to be nice, kind, silent and friendly to everyone all the time, especially if the other persons are aggressive and violent and disrespectful.
More importantly - "normal" and healthy individuals without Complex trauma conditioning will cut contact with toxic people.
With Complex trauma we feel deep shame and guilt if we cut contact, due to conditioning.
This conditioning was observed in 1968 by Jane Elliot in racial issues: she noticed in her exercise of abuse that children who were exposed to disrespect had developed symptoms of isolation and confusion and the children were failing in previously excellent levels of test results. So toxic people have a great influence on our trauma bonding, our cognitive skills and social skills, too.
Your question is excellent because it shows that due to circumstances, even "normal" and non traumatized individuals can get into traumatic traumatized trauma bonding environment - and unlike the individuals with complex trauma, they will react naturally to abuse: 1) you will wonder how can you trauma bond with abuser 2) you will externalize anxiety and fears and blame the true source of abuse: toxic person.
Complex trauma prevents this - we never accuse the other person, we turn blame inside. And CBT joins into hysteria and promoted self hatred and self blame.
Of course, there are narcissists out there who will blame other people for everything - and narcissism must be addressed too.
The difference between narcissist and "normal" people who blame toxic people for problems rather than self blaming oneself - is that narcissists are focused on chaos, destruction and keeping problem ongoing, there will never be admission of mistake and any vulnerabilities. Whereas normal people will strive to find solutions without hurting the other person in the process as narcissists do.
There is Jane Elliott's Blue Eyes, Brown Eyes experiment, exercise - that showed that social settings can influence the targets.
There is Narcissistic abuse: Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage.
There is Stanford prison experiment where it is shown that targets of abuse in toxic ambient where they cannot escape from will develop extreme social anxiety.
There is Skinner's box and Little Albert experiment which shows that people can be conditioned and initiated into social anxiety.
@@ranc1977 I don't relate to the people who grew up in constant criticism, there wasn't any in my case. I don't relate to ever trying to please people around me, just the opposite. I always do what I think is good for me too, or I never do it. Good not in the sense to avoid conflict, all the time I do what I believe is the right thing to do with the full knowledge that it will create conflict.
In fact personally I never avoid conflicts, I only know when to end the endless ones in which I have zero interest.
Yes yes thank you so much for saying the piece about the victim believes that the abuser loves her if I could convey anything to someone outside who doesn't understand your video is such an accurate portrayal of what I went through for decades of abuse thinking that it was all my fault and truly believing it and believing 100% that he loved me I really did and I had to be two people he was two people so I had to be two people to survive and I do believe that he loved the side of me that he was his extension but I had no idea what was happening when I was in it not until I got out did I clearly see what had happened to me
I appreciate you watching. If you’re interested in codependency, you can find other videos on it at: ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=traumabond
@@DocSnipes thank you much
They absolutely know what they do because they don't act like that around certain people. They CHOOSE to do it behind closed doors so the outside world doesn't see the monster they truly are. In society they're loving and fun and kind....in private, evil
Thanks for watching!
Yes!!
Dr Snipes, is the behavior of the abuser as cold and calculated as it seems? or is it the horrific coping/attachment style of an individual who has been through too much? i hope this question makes sense. thank you.
Abusers start out the answer to your prayers. Kind and sensitive and generous. Doting and loving. The abuse started slowly, a strange comment that's sounds insulting but your not sure...a snide remark under their breath, little things...but at the same time their loving and appears sweet. It's extremely confusing. Maybe your dressing wrong or, "if you wear this or did this to ur hait..."
It's like the frog in a pot...at first the water is cold and the frog doesn't know he's in peril but the water is slowly heated so by the time frog knows he's in trouble, it's too late....
They mix horrible abuse with love....one night of screaming and calling you the most vile name then ,poof...they act like nothing happened and love bomb you....
They will never ever actually apologize or take accountability. And they never ever want to talk about your needs ,your feelings etc....everything is about them and only them...and YOU are the problem, always for everything.....its the worst sort of mind game on earth....
Yes, as I hav stated in the video, trauma bond development is a very intentional behavior.
@@DocSnipes how does this intentional behavior develop? It seems highly intelligent but incredibly evil at the same time. Just want to get more of understanding of how people become abusers. I have been told that PD have a genetic influence. Thanks for your response, just wanted a deeper understanding.
People in a "trauma bond" likely both have very low self esteem and yes, don't know how to have safe, loving connection with a combination of boundaries and intimacy. You can't have one without the other. You can't have deep connection without full autonomy. These are learned behaviors, probably from watching parents abuse each other. The trauma bond "victim" is probably someone with an anxious attachment wound who fears autonomy (what once was called Co depedent). All relationships are co created. It's been long stated that people marry at the same level of differentiation, meaning the ability to have emotions that are separate but connected. Being emotionally fused is never healthy, but at the same time it's a natural process. If something doesn't feel right, you say it, and you see how a person reacts. That's how you get your answer.
Does the abuser understand what they are doing? Or is it learned?
She did say that the abuser knows what he/she is doing. But it's likely learned too. But that brings up the age old debate on nature vs. nurture. Are some people just born abusive? Idk, maybe they're more apt to become that way than someone else if not nurtured with love and caring. But that's pretty hard to prove I think. Most of the time I think those who end up abusing, were abused themselves.
That being said though, I'm not so sure that every single abuser is that aware of the fact that their actions are to control another person. I do think that some abusers are so self-absorbed and so unaware they don't have much of a clue as to how their actions hurt others, including their own children. But whether these monsters are aware or not, the damage is the same so it doesn't really matter much.
Don’t take these videos too literally. “Western” psychiatry is largely an over-generalized farce
@@uncledrosselmeyer6480 but I want to know! I was in this kind of relationship and so was my daughter.
They absolutely understand...they plan it...
Raw Motivations are 2 self aware narcissist who are in therapy and put out a lot of good stuff....
@@wordivore I would love to understand where it comes from. Can it be stopped from becoming generational.
Wow!
Thanks for watching!
There's a diagnosed narcissist on TikTok who explains the lovebombing phase as "FINALLY! I've found someone who understands me, who isn't an idiot like everyone else, someone who's worth my time!" & He feels like he has to commit 100% to the relationship. Later, there's the disappointment. Nobody is ever good enough for the narcissist. He gets to the point of "Oh shit, I'm wasting every second of my life that I'm with this fool, they're an active drain on me. F*ck this person..."
Kinda like a company that finds out you won't work long hours for starvation wages. Eventually they decide, f*ck this worker.
Thank you for watching snd for sharing
I wonder if these are similar behaviors a borderline mother engages in? Certainly created an unhealthy bond between 2 of my family members.
Cool
I appreciate you watching
But i know it's not me making him angry. Am i still supposed to be the punching bag for his frustration and anger? Even though i know this, he throws me into flashbacks and it interrupts my life and my own goals interests and pursuits.
DR Ramani is great resource about living with narcissistic abuse and gives great tips how to handle when we cannot cut contact with them.
Is the abuser aware that they're doing this pattern ? I mean, do they intentionally think to themselves, " gonna gaslight them now. Okay now it's time to control"... etc. Are they aware of these ?
most often no. The exception would be in someone who has Antisocial Personality or Narcissistic Personality, but even in those people it is largely subconscious
In the beginning during the love bombing stage you tell everyone what a wonderful man he is and how good he is to you. So when you're in the devaluing stage not only can you not believe it but you're also too embarrassed to tell others what's going on. So you cover for him hoping he will change back. Who's going to believe you? Before knowing about trauma bonding and narcissism I carried so much guilt thinking I made him change and tried desperately to appease- not knowing this was the pattern. It's all a setup to trap and humiliate you from the start.
Thank you for sharing your experience-it takes a lot of courage to reflect so openly on something as complex and painful as a trauma bond. What you described-the confusion, guilt, and isolation during the devaluing stage-is unfortunately a common experience in relationships with narcissistic patterns. The love bombing phase can create a false sense of security and connection, making it so much harder to recognize or leave when the dynamic shifts. It’s important to remember that this cycle is not your fault, and nothing you did “made” them change.
Understanding trauma bonding and the manipulative patterns involved can be incredibly freeing. It helps shift the blame off yourself and onto the behaviors that created this dynamic. Healing from this takes time, but with self-compassion, support, and healthy boundaries, it is absolutely possible.
If you found this video helpful, please consider sharing it to help others who might also be struggling to make sense of similar experiences. You can find more in-depth tools and resources at DocSnipes.com/Clones. How are you doing on your healing journey now? I’d love to offer any additional insights or support if needed.
Psychological abuse. It's criminal.
I appreciate you watching. You can find other videos on trauma bond at: ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=traumabond
Omg this is me and my ex boyfriend 😢 💔 ❤️🩹 it took me 3 years to get over that relationship, and still I remember that “love” and feel like I will never have it again. And oh please, I don’t want that kind of “love” anymore. But how to build healthy relationship? Too traumatized and scared to trust someone😢. I really want healthy relationships tho.
I am sorry about that and I appreciate you watching. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=CPTSD