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I Am Too Soft To Be A Man
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
- Learn more about meditation in Dr K's Guide to Mental Health! bit.ly/3jHRYLh
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Reddit post
03:55 - Gender norms & society
06:44 - Gender identity
07:21 - Upbringing
16:32 - Men being adversely judged
20:00 - Who do you want to be?
24:11 - All gender is false, you're a human
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"Scented candles are girly!" - Guy whose room smells like literal decomposing shit.
yea i dont get this, fucking apple sake scented candles are insane! and i can do shit better with my room smelling like thhat of a sane person
The only candle I handle is my man candle
*constant fart noises*
The authentic gym locker room smell 👌
this gave me a good laugh 🤣
Traditionalists: there are only 2 genders
Progressives: there are 99+ genders
Dr. K: there is no gender
look up gender abolitionists
Dr. K is right. Sex exists, "gender" is a stupid concept invented by a literal pedophile (look up John Money).
In my opinion, people should do what they are good at, and never be ashamed of itーwhether that's a woman who has always wanted children and has a real gift with them becoming a stay-at-home mom, or a man following his athletic and artistic dreams and capabilities and becoming a famous ballet dancer. We shouldn't cripple ourselves and hate who we are just to make "society" and small-minded others happy.
@@happylittlemy I agree with you. Also, as someone who falls under a "non-binary" label, I'm actually as sick of labels as you average conservative. I just don't see the point. When people ask if I'm a guy or a woman, I'd just rather not answer - or better yet - that they don't even ask the question. Unless you're interested in sleeping with me, or you're my doctor, what reason is there to ask?
We can talk biology when it's relevant. But nobody really _needs_ to know if you're a man or a woman or whatever in your average day-to-day conversation. And it's kind of a jarring question, too. Why would they need to know, unless they're prepared to treat you differently based on your answer? After I realized that, I just stopped answering. I can appear completely androgynous. It's funny - the same people who call queer people "sensitive snowflakes" get beet red when you don't give them a straight answer to your gender, or when you ask them why they need to know.
@@bugjams This is a really cool perspective, thank you!
I am personally a female, but I have been briefly mistaken for a man a couple of times before due to having shorter hair. (It always kind of makes me lol when that happens, and usually people soon realize that I am in fact a female and apologize profusely.) Which is actually why I got my ears pierced when I was super young, because my Mom wanted me to "look like a girl". Which is kind of silly when I think back on it, haha. I also have some sort of neurodivergence, which can make it hard for me to read social cues (well, I can tell when people are made uncomfortable after the fact, but I don't have a good enough understanding of social norms to know what will likely make people uncomfortable beforehand), and although I love being friends with girls on an individual basis, I tend to get bullied and pushed out of groups of them, so I tend to stay away from friend groups. Plus I was raised Christian to the point where I can't really relate to a lot of my peers' pop cultural references :/
I really am not a "pick me" girl, and although I am friendly with my male classmates and have like maybe 1 male friend, I recognize the importance of having female friendships, which I make an effort to develop and sustainーI just can't do large groups of females for the aforementioned reasons, unless we are united and focused on a common cause and not just "friends".
All of these egregiously personal anedcodes are to say, that I understand where you are coming from with not feeling like telling everyone your sex or "performing your gender". It especially sucks when people ask you to define your gender, because as someone with (ED related) body dysmorphia, I know how triggering and harmful even a small innocuous seeming comment can be. I hope everything goes well for you going forward!
I identitfy as a binary.
"The true self has no gender"
I like this a lot tbh
@rafel is it really personality, or how others perceive us/physical appearance? Although physical appearance does in part rely on personality
@rafel if the same person can be male and female (I guess you meant masculine/feminine, because male/female refers to biological sex) at different times, the whole concept of gender (stereotypes) makes no sense. It is useless and just made up.
@rafel personalities have genders? I get that we have specific and different behavioral traits between men and women, but personality in itself has no gender, unlike a lot of people nowadays claim it to be ..
@rafel yea, it’s not technically based on sex, but temperament of a person. Sex do influence a person’s temperament but very little.
It's true and it's wonderful to see someone acknowledge it
yes this was privated before and just released.
Thanks for explaining lol
You can watch his full streams on Twitch without a subscription btw
I figured as much, good to know that I wasn’t the only one who realised that
ačiū
But I still rewatched it anyway 😅😅
"Soft" men,
PLEASE BE YOURSELVES. I had *such* a hard time dating because the dating pool would either be overrun by hyper masculine men or men pretending to be hyper masculine. I was never (and I mean never) attracted to "manly men". I wanted a partner who could cry and have real conversations with me. Someone who wasn't scared to take up knitting if he genuinely enjoyed it. Someone more like me, caring and open.
Thank goodness I found him after 7 YEARS on a dating site.
I swear, society has ruined men by telling them that they have to be one way or another.
PLEASE BE YOURSELVES! There are women (men and non-binary folks) out there who are looking for you. Exactly as you are.
SAME!! Exactly my thoughts.
Heard that lie before
Suuure
@@inquisitionagent9052 Lie? My current partner saw his mom knitting at 15 and asked her if she could teach him. Nowadays, he knits cat carrier liners for my foster cats. His mom asked him what sorts of after school classes he wanted to take and he said "pottery". We've been together for over 5 years. The happiest years of my life.
@@ArielLVT I'm happy for you two. Finding something special like that is rare. Unfortunately its never worked out for me like that.
Just wanted to say big rip to Micheal Cera. Forever the face of "unmanliness" even when bringing up debates about "unmanliness" not existing
This Micheal Cera thumbnail is a flex
Kinda sucks how this video has Cera as the thumbnail because one of the ways people have bullied me for not being masculine enough is by calling me Michael Cera. Though I guess me being sad about this is exactly proof that I am too sensitive. Remember, bullies are often correct!
@@cotton7960 100% same. This video was very informative, but tbh I didn’t relate much to the post he was responding to, but I do in fact relate a lot more to Michael Cera and the characters he portrays in movies. I.e., not really “girly” or overly sensitive, just super passive and non-confrontational. I feel as though this video was just a tad misleading as Dr. K is speaking more to the men out there with actual feminine qualities, rather than guys who just lack the typical masculine energy that seems to get you far in the world.
Bullies are not correct.
They are evil.
You're f**ed up.
as a woman I sometimes feel like I'm too soft to survive too
Well, then find someone who's a little harder than you and try to copy him/her. Good luck, be brave and don't give up!
You are a pretty woman. Pick a dude and set up shop in his life. ez mode.
@@unyieldingmonotony4453 And funnily enough it does not have to be a very masculine man. In my experience soft women awaken a ton of masculinity in me (a softie)
@@unyieldingmonotony4453 tf kind of advice is this
@@hikikomori_3708 Advise based on the behaviour of most pretty women.
It is possible to be hyper masculine and hyper feminine at the same time.
Case in point: David Bowie
Absolutely, I think both traits are in everyone just in different degrees but they're not totally incompatible. Embracing both sides makes for a complete human being.
If David bowie had been working a normal wagie job he would just be a weird creepy loser. Luckily his musical artistry saved him.
@@1x93cm Wealth, fame, power, and talent are certainly instant hooks to success with women. But attitude and confidence are pretty dang powerful too, and anyone can acquire those with enough effort
Well done sir. I have another one for you. Prince.
Dr K also has a really good balance of masculine and feminine. He speaks with authority and will call you on your shit, and at the same time shows care, emotion and vulnerability. I think everyone should strive to have a healthy balance of both.
i got bullied because i was a very sensitive and kinda femenine kid. i never liked to fight or argue with anyone, and at the slightest provocation i wanted to cry. I was very weak, i believe that was the reason i got picked on so much. Now i feel like i overcompensate by being as insensitive and "masculine" as possible. im still very sad about what happened to me during school years and im resentful, and i feel like in the process of becoming more "masculine" i've lost a part of me .
It sounds like you needed to integrate your shadow. This is something primitive cultures did with boys and young men through initiation rituals, but this has been lost in the modern world.
That sounds rough. Bullying sucks. I hope you can heal those wounds!
I hope you accept your soft side and reject weakness. Having emotions is fine, what's important is what you do about it. Weakness is NEVER a good thing and people should never be bullied. Get strong and stay strong, we'll all make it brah
This exactly me. I've come to the realization that I am the most feminine, weakest man alive, I accept it wholeheartedly. I pray that this world would be more soft. Thank you for sharing
Bugger
It'd be nice if people separated personality from sexual characteristics and or gender.
Good luck lol
I think there’s too many differences in interests, upbringing, and temperament (let alone the physical differences and drives) between men and women to ever do that. But it’s okay.
It'd be nice if women would let men do that.
People like that really do exist...in fact, there's so many of them out there in the world that they create entire communities of like-minded people 😅
(eg. asexual & agender peoples _generally speaking_ embody those very ideals, those on the autism spectrum also don't _generally speaking_ focus as much on that stuff either, academics working in digital spaces etc. etc. etc.)
@@jacobk5451 that's nurture, not nature though.
Kindergarten often have the "girl's toys" in one corner and the "boy's toys" in the other corner of the room and when a boy plays in the girl corner, he's usually nudged to go play with the boy's toys. I recently read a study where they put all the toys together and let the kids play with any toys they like. They discovered that both boys and girls quickly started to play with all toys regardless of gebder connotation and after just six months they messured significant improvements in social skills in boys after they started to also play with dolls and significant improvements in spatial visualization ability in girls after they started to also play with Hotwheels cars and Legos. This suggests that the differences in behavior, interests and preferences between men and women are mostly down to their upbringing.
I don't think misogyny is at an all time high, I think we're finally at a place where we acknowledge it exists at all whereas before it was just so ingrained and accepted we didn't notice or acknowledge it.
yeah it is more apparent now.. like we ripped the bandaid off
the massage industry is at an all time high
until we hit covid...
It is, but not from men, from women.
Feminism, specially third wave, tells women that being femenine and being a woman its bad, and that they should be men with careers.
@@santiagoperez2094 hmm im not sure if misogny is specifically about masculinity and feminity or male and female. I think what ur talking about with radical feminism is masculinity vs femininity. The feminist movement doesnt want women to be men, it wants them to be masculine (i think that's the word u meant instead of "men"). That's the problem i have with even the title of feminism, because real feminism should be the encouragement of femininity and females in general, not the movement for masculine traits.
@@an6350 Feminism doesn't want women to be masculine or to be men. Modern, intersectional feminism is about allowing everyone to be themselves and not live in fear because of what or who they are
Hate that the ideal man is taught to feel ashamed of his feminine and/or submissive side. I've been looking for a bf like this forever. This pressure broke up my last 2 relationships because my ex couldn't accept themselves. Didn't matter that I loved them the way they were.
I appreciate that you did the "feminine and/or submissive side" and explicitly seperated the two. I think people tend to view the both characterstics as synonymous far too often.
Ya but reality dont works like ur opinion. Girl and woman love man reliable. So yeah feminine and submissive side arent reliabke
@@muhammadaulia8070 prtty sure the guy is a dude
@@muhammadaulia8070 i guess individual differences can't exist because "reality dont works[sic] like ur opinion"
@@muhammadaulia8070 completely and utterly wrong. "Reliability" has nothing to do with gender
"Women get pooped on for having masculine traits in the workplace... mostly by women by the way."
This is something that my old professor experienced in my university. She's from Saint Lucia in the Eastern Carribean and she mentioned in class once that she experienced discrimination (both in terms of gender traits and race) from her female colleagues more than she did from her male colleagues. It's really unfortunate.
My mother talks a lot about this too how a lot of prejudice and parts of patriarchy is upheld by women. She literally says a woman's worst enemy can only be a woman. It's truly unfortunate.
@@labibrashidinan9868 yes women can be very cruel, we project alot and it goes for both genders.
Toxic femininity...
Shit, I remember crying a lot growing up and being told by everyone, be them family, friends, teachers, classmates etc to suck it up. My whole family would often compare me to my cousin(who is younger than me in fact, if only by a few months) as he kinda just seemed to adapt to life a hell of a lot easier than me if anything. He stopped crying earlier, he started drinking milk in a cup earlier, he overall seemed more prone to take risks, he likes sports and cars and all that jazz and I don't know, I think shit like that completely shattered my confidence, at the very least I stopped crying(Well, except when I am drunk or thinking about my mother that passed away) as I overall don't feel much of anything on a daily basis.
I've always identified myself as a man, so far I've only ever liked women, but I never felt "manly" I suppose. I pushed potential relationships away because of this as well as started hating myself for not being manly enough, I still often wonder if I have some kind of low testosterone related issue or whatever.
In the end, all I know is that it definitely took a toll on my development during my late childhood and teenage years, now here I am, a 20 year old who can't do shit and is not even sure what his true personality even is.
honestly same my guy. Different upbringing but perfectly relate to the issues you mentioned, literally word for word that last sentence ( except I'm 22 ). Shit can get rough but keep pushing through, after moving out just recently my life is slowly improving despite the fact that I am living paycheck to paycheck and have arguably more stress and depressive episodes. And yet somehow, I can feel I am moving in the right direction. Point I'm trying to make is that if you keep moving forward, I'm sure that a path will open for you just like it did for me. Keep at it champ
Theres no such thing as “feeling manly”, you only ever “feel” as yourself. For whatever purpose, they are just trying to make you hate yourself. Part of growing up is to learn to flip them off any move on with your life. People are judgmental due to their own insecurities, and nothing else.
Be honest with yourself and people. Don't avoid risk, learn on your mistakes. There is always something you can learn. Don't force yourself to be "manly" or any other idea. Explore yourself and the world. Life is not all sweet, but it is also not all bad. You are becoming more competent in being a human being. Keep going, be open minded, remember that you (and every other people) make logical mistakes in our perception of the world. Learn about logical mistakes which lead to low self worth and pain. Pain is a signal that you are being wrong in your particular ideas
You're 20, there is still enough time to find yourself, just explore different things, you'll find something eventually. ^^
Everyone is different... whether you are a man or not, kids develop at different rates, they respond to things differently. Our differences are what make this world so beautiful and awesome to be in. I know that sounds like a loaded term but seriously, we wouldn't have so much awesome music if it werent for tons of men who sang about their feelings and wore glitter and shit, while having huge hair. Dance, art, music, these are all things that are appreciated by many, and created by many. For whatever reason in the past 100yrs in the western world masculinity has been completely distorted and imprisoned in this tiny little box. But for thousands of years society has existed with hard working buff women doing labor, men who spent all day on intricate crafts and arts, men who fought violent wars, women who cared for children and homes. There is so much variety in the human experience and the most wonderful thing you can do is lean into what you are, not what random ppl think you should be.
To do that you have to understand who you are though, and that might take time. I wish you luck in that.
As a girl, I can promise you guys that most of us aren't into hyper masculine men. We want normality and authenticity. "Girly" things like smelling nice is something that should just be standard, not "feminizing".
@Gustavo Statistics show a lot of bs too because people lie. Please be more open-minded.
I agree to the notion of smelling nice. Having great hygiene, e.g smelling nice, shouldn't be regarded as "girly" or "manly", it's just being a healthy human being. I like being manly, it helps me to know I can take care of my brothers and my mum.
@@newgaim cap. Stats are as reliable as they go. When taking a survey they have NO reason to lie.
I think we are unique persons after all :3 it's quite easy to categorize Things into two categories. But whatever i still Like Cats more then dogs. Still i Like dogs too. I have to admit though i got the Feeling women have better regulation of their Feelings and better emotional Support Generally speaking. So Sure WE man are physically stronger then women, but we need you Woman probably more then you can Imagine ❤
isnt it weird that the hyper masculine men dont have trouble finding woman, while the soft and sensitive men often get rejected and live a love- and sexless life. i wonder why that is.
He's clearly in very uncomfortable territory, but like he said, at lesst he's trying. A lot of us who have been largely unaffected by gender norm dynamics and whatnot for our life don't really know how to address these things, except by trying to be kind and learn.
How have you not been affected in some way by gender norms? They are present in almost every facet of society whether that be home, school, work, media, etc
@@Astro2024 a lot of people just fit the norms because they are norms for a reason, even if you are not a Chuck Norris or a "gigachad" you won't have much problem with "manliness" if you're close to average...
On the other hand social media and politics are putting a lot of focus on gender, so a girl is not jealous of her boss because he's rich and in a higher rank, but because he's a dude... What's I'm trying to say is, you can lable a lot of things as "gender norms" but the real problem isn't the broad ones, are the specifics... (Like the dude on this vid)
@@Astro2024 Unaffected in the sense that we usually conformed to those expectations and thus weren't often judged. Most men don't fall out of line with the way they're expected to be, because a lot of those ways tend to be how they naturally are
@@16minutesinspace Nope, they don't fall out of line because there is hell to pay if you do.
If you imagine it's "all good" then check the suicide rates...
@@MsSomeonenew I would advise against projecting. Not every single man is the way they are because they're afraid of what'll happen to them if they act another way. Many men simply are that way. Standards and expectations didn't come from nowhere. They exist because it's how most men are, which is why there's a line to fall out of in the first place. You need to establish a norm before people can be judged for contradicting it
Damn, I appreciate the honesty. Not many will admit to the reality at hand. Thank u for that! I felt like I was mad or sth but I saw it too. People say all the good righteous stuff and u see those same ppl acting against their own principles.
Hmmm. I’ve always been a soft person but i don’t think it matters because I’ve also been a hard person. Being able to be both is important as a man because no one will stand up for you or provide support in certain situations (sometimes the opposite sex actually demands it), and that’s just my natural experience compared to what I’ve seen from women.
Women deal with different bullshit, also from men. I don't think it's just women who enforce gender norms
@@fopipilop my statement wasn’t designed for contest.I’m speaking from my own reality and experience, which I think was the goal of this video posted by Doctor K. Doctor K said in this very video that it wasn’t designed for contest.
@@opssoldier3316 Apologies, neither was mine. I was saying that you aren't alone in feeling this, and that many women actually feel many similar pressures. It can manifest in them acting badly, just like men can act badly in gender dynamics.
May i add : its ok for a man to ask for support. Even though I very much share your experience, where my partner would demand emotional support but provide barely any herself. It sucked and chipped away my confidence and feeling of manly-ness, but i got out of that relationship and i am now a lot more open and supported by my new partner. As Doc said, some people will make you feel un-manly for being a certain way but others will see it as a strength and appreciate you for it. You don't need to be hard or soft to be a king, be yourself !
You need feminism, dear. Look for feminists. It's exactly the issues that are addressed. And from there, just as it's unfortunately somewhat our work to bring awareness to the systemic disregard, it's unfortunately somewhat necessary for you to start advocating for males to develop emotionally safe spaces amongst each other and to get on the way of healing the whole big ass area of "internal affairs", aka emotional, mental, physical self-care, spiritual, if possible, too. It's because they're neglected that you fibd no support. And it's because we women have a nasty load of bad experiences with standing up for men, that pathway is still repressed. The idiots in your involuntary peer group are giving you a really bad reputation and stigma. And that needs to change.
So be aware the hurdles are higher for you in this specific area and that means more preparation & prior investment is needed.
Can confirm my wife loves my emotions and expressing them.
Get out there and be soft and friendly and open and emotional.
The world needs more kind and caring people and examples for other men to feel comfortable being those things too.
What’s really the game, is how generations have convinced the world that anger doesn’t qualify as being emotional, while also saying righteous anger is masculine as hell, but being emotional is not.
Word.
It's always been weird to me how women would often mock/complain about men lacking empathy and not having emotions, yet everyone is telling men (especially young men) to be tough and not let emotions get in the way of whatever man's gotta do.
Quite an obvious conflict of interests there, yet nobody seems to question this gender stereotype they push.
Same thing happens the other way around, too: most men seek a woman who hasn't had "too much sex"/"too many partners" before, yet once they're in a relationship they complain that she seldomly wants sex! 🤷♂️
Y'all gotta check what you're asking for! 😂
"The expectations put on men just aren't something I can follow and it feels like I'm failing my social role every single day." I can wholeheartedly say I used to feel like this, as a masculine of center woman. Gender has been Fascinating (note the capital F lol) me lately and I so appreciated this video. "All Gender Is False." BRILLIANT and exactly summarizes the conclusion I've been trying to synthesize!!!!! For all of your videos, thank you so much!
Op sounds like an awesome guy. I hope he'll get to overcome the pressure of society's dumb expectations.
the road to self acceptance is long and hard for most of us. minus narcesstic people. chads, ceos, etc they think they are the greatest from day one. the rest of us a re instinctually programmed to seek zo fit into the group. we are social animals and not being part of a group is anguish.
@@Pssst.ByTheWay Narcissists are prob the people who accept themselves the least in this world, so much so they invent delusions abt their “value” just so they can live
As someone who is a future house husband at heart, this gave me a bit of hope 😂
Have you watched Way of the Househusband? I love it so much 😊
@@notaburneraccount I've heard of it! I have to start it 😂
yikes
@@notaburneraccount but isn't that dude like the literal poster child of masculinity?
The personality trait "agreeableness" is also something to factor in since it shapes your temperament. On average, women are more agreeable than men, so if you're a man with high agreeableness then 1) it's okay, it's a personality trait you can't control anyway and 2) you can still be masculine even if you are high in agreeableness. There are some women who have low agreeableness as well (which essentially is disagreeableness) making them have a more masculine temperament.
Just wanted to bring this up.
Thank You this was objective and cleared some personal questions of Mine relating My experiences. I am high in agreeableness compared to most men on average and have difficulty with that because of cultural norms.
Well, sometimes it helps to be a little disagreeable. As you get older, you notice that almost everything is best when in moderation, including being agreeable.
If you're too agreeable, you might end up agreeing to things you do not want to do. If you do that too much you'll become resentful, and that's not good at all. At the minimum, you need to develop the strength of character to say no and mean it. Tbh I've no idea how old you are, but good luck out there, hope I shed light on something
Agreeableness is absolutely something you can control because it's something boys and girls were socialised to do. No one was born being more authoritative and being more of a pushover.
@@kxyoto8541 Not true. It is a personality trait. However, setting boundaries is another topic.
I hate say it but alot of women say they would date a guy like that, but would probably dump him later for not being masculine enough, or are just saying it to be nice, or don't want to be attacked for saying no. I can't count the times I watch women give the sensitive guy a chance, they are happy with how they get along but the 'spark' isn't there. The spark is always masculine attraction.
Do you have any actual sources to back that up? That honestly sounds like incel dogma
@@CapsLock959 It's not a field of objective science, so I don't know what kind of what randomized control trial you're expecting. If it means that much of you to insult people you don't know, go search for stories yourself.
@@CapsLock959 would that even be something you can objectively source to? I know from the friends I had growing up that this was a common occurrence. Think of the weird dehumanizing fetishization of the 'gay best friend' trope. It's kinda like that but worse since you (in this case my friends) tend to have to pull double duty on being sensitive and strong when the moment calls for it. Idk about the whole 'spark' talk shit but what I notice is that a lot of girls still have old school expectations going into relationships due to social conditioning and a severe lack in a sense of 'having to pick up the slack' so they aren't going to fill in the masculine role when you need it and are gonna feel disappointed when they need it and you can't bring it. None of this because of some malicious dogma among women but more just simply that there is very little in terms of societal pressure for women to think otherwise, let alone any proper information/representation of masc-level supportive women (that aren't fetishized as shouta dommy mommy, etc. stuff) with soft and sensitive needy men. Most I tend to see with masc-girls in media is a kind of lone-wolf type that dominates the femboy rather than takes care of them. If you know any do let me know.
Be careful how fast you dismiss something as 'incel dogma'; You're just as likely to reinforce toxic elements of 'all this shit' through turning a blind eye.
@@99sins of course you can source it. You take surveys of different populations. That's the basis of sociology. Dr K literally did a survey in this video (admittedly under poor test conditions) to prove a point which was the majority of women in the chat would be interested in dating the dude in question. Making broad statements about society based on anecdotes from your buddies and (pardon me but its pretty obvious) projecting your own insecurities onto a population is the path of a fool.
The idea that only a specific type of hetero guy can get girls is absolutely incel dogma. As I recommended before, Contrapoints has a wonderful video on this.
@@CapsLock959 lol go touch grass and interact with actual people. I have seen so many people get dumped the moment they show insecurity and weakness in front of their partner. Many comment threads in here mention it too. I don't care what that mentally ill youtuber thinks, this shit is real.
What even makes a real man? What is masculinity really? I read King Warrior Magician Lover and I loved how they treat masculinity (TLDR it's in everyone and it's the capacity to solve problems and sometimes guiding others towards better goals, not overcompensating for insecurities like some people think).
I like the idea that masculinity and femininity are two sides of the same coin, like yin and yang, exhale and inhale, tension and release. All of us have both in different proportions, and if we all try to strengthen the good parts and minimize the toxic parts of both in ourselves, and find balance between them, we'll be healthier and happier.
Some people need to strengthen their masculine side if they have trouble standing up for themselves, getting shit done, etc. Other types of people need to strengthen their feminine side if they're arrogant, uncaring, etc. To me it's a concept that isn't really related to gender. I know this isn't what people usually mean when they talk about it, but I choose to think of it this way.
KWML is a good book, so is Iron John (one of KWML's inspirations). We shouldn't pretend masculinity is an arbitrarily constructed concept.
Personally, from a biological standpoint, I think masculinity is simply the propensity to be protective, whereas femininity is the propensity to be nurturing. They're not mutually exclusive and usually occur in everyone to varying degrees. Both take a deal of assertiveness and strength because you need to be someone who takes initiative and risks being vulnerable under both circumstances. Neither indicate weakness nor irrationality.
To me, everything else aside from that is just a biproduct of traditional gender roles. Alsooo, no one is less of a man or a woman for being one or the other.
This is just what makes most sense to me.
@@outkast505 I could disagree with that (and I do - I think both masculinity and feminity have more of a biological basis than what you described), but even if I were to agree protectiveness and nuturing maternalism are both profound concepts. They are like seeds that can sprout giant trees of possibilities as I think even you started to go into there. Are the emnations of these core attributes just "traditional gender roles" (whatever that means)? I think this is hand wavey and doesn't really answer the question of where these traits / norms come from (after all society is just a group of individuals all driven by their biology). In my view the leaves on this tree are biological characteristics built on the foundation of the more increasingly more fundamental branch, trunk, root, and seed aspects.
The fact that societies organized to (largely unconsciously) develop norms about these biological drives doesn't imply the biological foundation isn't what is primary here. In other words, there would be no societal traditional gender roles if they didn't emnate from our biology first. You can say that the gender roles are changing. Judging from by the immense amount of endocrine disruptors in our environment from the pharmaceutical/petroleum/plastics industries in recent years as well as the decreasing average serum testosterone levels, so are our biologies. I think these biological/environmental changes are what are driving the appearance of societal change. In reality nothing is really changing, we are being driven by our biology as we always are.
@@offensivearch you're free to disagree :)
And to answer your question, I do believe that traditional gender roles are emanations of those core attributes. As mentioned on your reply to my comment in another thread, people largely refer to "traditional gender roles" as if it were universal. There are many cultures and civilizations that don't adhere to that dichotomy.
Moreover, I do believe that being nurturing/protective often has a greater propensity depending on biological sex. With that, imo, it's not difficult to see how this in combination with the resulting biological mechanisms (such in reproduction) led to the development of traditional gender roles evident today. Of course the social constructs are influenced by biology. These roles may have served as useful in the context of the hunter/gatherer epoch and industrial (in certain societies) but we've advanced since then. And to be quite frank, traditional gender roles don't serve a lot of men and women. Of course, some people prefer dynamics within the framework of those gender roles, while others don't. They no longer serve the purpose that they once may have, which is why culture is shifting to be more accommodating of people who don't fit in the rigid standards of what it means to be a certain gender.
Genetics don't work deterministically, but rather probabilistically. So even if the environmental factors you speak of is personally not a convincing catalysist cultural shift. For one, it doesn't match up with the timeline for strides towards gender equality globally. Plus, they're largely correlational, not causational.
7:03 Girl here 🖐 literally this whole time I was listening, I thought “what a perfect guy” lol
He seems like a solid being. Love & Peace -Amen
I relate to this too. I am a neurodivergent man, and on the myers briggs test, I recently tested as INFP. I've always struggled with modern masculinity, because I was always sensitive, friendly, easily hurt, kind, loving, soft-spoken, which are frowned upon in male societies. I have a easier time talking to women and befriending women than men. I was mostly raised by my mom and female siblings and relatives and it had an influence on me. I was made fun of for crying lots as a boy, having emotions and was told to man up, stop being a little girl and stop being so sensitive.
In ways im still very masculine and tough too: Im not afraid to stand up for myself and what I believe in, im not scared to protect those that I care about online and IRL, and if I need to get into confrontation about things I will do so, and I know how to operate a vehicle, build things, mow lawns, take out the trash and repair stuff.
I still love masculine things such as cars, tech, architecture etc, but I also liked feminine things too as well. Surprisingly, women online here, IRL have loved my personality, and surprisingly felt calm and safe around me, because i'm very non-judgemental, accepting, and im not a arrogant prick.
To heck with traditional gender norms.
@Engie It's one of the Myers briggs 16 personality types. They are nicknamed the Mediator type.
So you're saying you have many positive traits, and one negative one that people made fun of you for.
I fail to see how crying less would make you any worse of a person.
I've always been that innocent soft person, kind of like a cinnamon roll. Grew up as one and it never left me to this day.
One thing I really learned is to be brave. You may be a person that's prone to being afraid or scared easily but remember to stay strong, it can save your life one day. Think of Courage the cowardly dog for example.
There are also other sides to your personality, you never know what advantage you might have under your sleeve. My desire to be brave has turned me into a thrill seeker now.
Ludwig: THE PLAN IS SIMPLE
dr. K: THE REASON IS SIMPLE
Wow this video resonates. I am a man who has lived with two sisters and a mother My whole life without a father. I was sexually abused and raped by another man, a family member for years when Young. I am also bicurious or confused about My heterosexuality and masculinity. I don’t know who I am some days and feel inadequate.
If you don't know who you are, trying observing yourself. Really try to notice what you are like from an outside perspective. What do you do in response to what's happening. Maybe also ask people what they think of you.
If you're feeling inadequate, then try to improve yourself. Find a goal to look forward to, take reference from people you look to if needed. Then make a plan, then keep working at it.
I'm probably writing this for myself cause of projection and stuff, but I hope it helps, if at all
It's hard to do, specially under your circumstances, but through mental process you should disassociate importance from gender and sexuality. Gender doesn't and will never define you, your actions do. If you ever feel confused about who you are, do something good for the people you love, or try and improve yourself through placing reasonable goals and accomplishing them. Doesn't matter how confused you are, you probably have the person you'd like to aspire to be in your head, little by little try to get there even if you believe it's unrealistic. Even if you never get there you are allowing yourself to be what you want to be, and that's a huge burden off your back.
Just wipe gender off your head as a concept. You'll know who's the right one when you find and meet them thoroughly anyways. They may be male, female, or anything in between, it doesn't really matter as long as it's someone that makes you feel happy, supported and accomplished. Idk if this is any help but good luck with your situation!
I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. Thank you for this. So MUCH.
This is such a great video, hope it reaches a good amount of ppl
I love the analogy at the end, it's so good
I'm a bisexual woman and my straight fiancé is very in touch with his feminine side; he hasn't played w dolls as a kid or "hyperfeminine" things, but he's not afraid to cry, is in touch with his emotions, cooks & he's shorter than I am. I'm just happy he's a healthy mix of femininity and masculinity & comfortable with himself. People who are themselves in this type of way are absolute Chads. Just like James from pokémon.
being short is not masculine xd
I hate this phrase, but we need to normalize cooking. You aren't less of a man if you know how to cook, you're less of a person if you DON'T know something as basic and important as cooking. I know people who are in their twenties and don't know how to boil an egg or do omelettes. That isn't manly, that's sad.
Love this
@ llDbGll yeah it’s the same for changing a tire. Like if a girl can’t change a tire..bro..that’s not a flex
I love this channel so much, and I like how you mentioned close friends could also be that influence, since I had a few male close friends who fit into the norm and would call the things I like gay, which made me feel weird since I am bi and I don't believe my interests are that weird! So thanks for making videos about these things even If it might be new territory in some of these videos! Problems are out there! And lots of people share similar ones! Thank you for giving awareness
It took real, serious guts to address a gender dynamics question so directly online. Well done.
Makes me sad cause it’s never gonna be solved
@@ecclecticsayonce5131 i don't know that that's true. The number of people displaying awareness of gender is increasing in my experience
@@Moose92411 cross my fingers that I’m wrong, this guy had to verbally navigate a field of lasers to even acknowledge that men have unique problems in society and even that’s being met with controversy.
You have no idea how much this video spoke to me. I feel almost the same as the guy in the post except I actually like the part of me that is more feminine, but I just fear how other people will treat me because of it if I express it more. Gotta say, that ending was hilarious as well.
The actually hilarious stress on drK face is so relatable when your trying to help but your just so fed up with the problem 🤣🤣
Thank you for sharing these topics, it's really the conversation to be had in these times
Every time someone wants to talk about male issues they have to give a long disclaimer first to try prevent people getting triggered lmfao.
No wonder men don't like talking about their issues publicly.
Every time you see someone do that it reinforces the idea that you have to protect _other peoples_ feelings before addressing your own, i.e. your issues are less important so you better have a damn good reason to talk about them in public lest the rest of us get annoyed.
Great comment
Yeah that’s true. I’m pro-feminist/egalitarian but like damn. Don’t assume I’m discarding women’s struggles just cuz I’m talking about
Men’s struggles. We can walk and chew gum at the same time. Late reply but still you right
It's sad when men stuff down their emotions and their "soft side" cause as a woman I'd love a man like that. Here I am ready to accept and love a man who is soft but these men are nowhere to be found because they're just not allowed to be that way. It sucks.
Do you honestly believe that? Cause I see that a lot of women say they want X when they actually want Y and go with Y.
I'm geniunly asking, like, have you ever loved a man like that? Have you tested your theory?
Soft men are seen as weak and unattractive. You can't find this type of man cause they get destroyed.
I am very soft and sensitive but in no way am I ever gonna show that again to a woman. I don't wanna get crushed again.
Btw I am not saying that you are lying or something like that, I don't know how to phrase all of this without sounding rude 😂
@@HibiTeamQueso I feel like you're not seeing people as individuals...
@@HibiTeamQueso I notice a lot of people who say what you did assimilated soft side with lack of confidence. If you are unconfident about your "soft" side and feel very bad about showing it.. When you do show it it won't be attractive cause you don't do it with confidence you're feeling uncomfortable doing it. It's much harder to be confident in doing things that violate your gender role and much easier to be confident in a hypermasculine image. But if you can become confident in you for who you are, even being "soft" there's no way there won't be women attracted to that.
@@eonstar that's why I'm asking. You can't claim something without proofs
@@vladys5238 I get your point but I kinda disagree. To give you an example, you can't be crying and be confident at that. It's just not compatible by definition
Damn Dr. K why you gotta do Michael Cera like that
Does anyone else just completely zone out and fly away when Dr.K says "MY-sogony" or "copy pasta" 😂
Whats wrong with his sogony?
@@yankochoynev652 i dont really pay attention to these mistakes personally as long as the word is understood, but to clarify, misogyny's 'i' is pronounced the same way as the 'i' in history or in sing, not as y
@@Littlevampiregirl100 ok
whats wrong with “copy pasta”, that’s literally what they are called
I think you're doing great in clumsily handling stuff you're nit sure about and helping people with whatever is going on with them.
I'm a female feminist and see no need to disregard any person or any problem no matter where in life they are. We can use comparisons to extend our perspective and tune our personal, individual blance.
We can talk about systemic issues and individual issues without having to rely on "Whataboutism" and yet make comparisons in order to sort out our perspective. We don't look at the issues of others to assess who's suffering more. It's indeed not a contest and all of it needs space! We do so, however, to be able to let go of suffering that is coming from our own perspective. And we do so, to assess what systemic capacities are currently available or bound somewhere. Because it's crucial for us in order to assess if we're likely talking about "a little walk" or a "marathon". Not to put others down, but to see how to lift ourselves up (alongsides others) and where we may find our support groups or where we need to build them.
I really love that you mentioned genders in spirituality. Lol. If anything, there's the Yin & Yang, archaic masculine & feminine, or we could just say idk. green & yellow every. It doesn't matter. The reason why we gender them, is because it tends to be easier for people to imagine something immediately instead of needing very lengthy explanations. But either way all of us - in a healthy balanced state - have the freedom to access the full spectrum of all attributes (including their respective light & shadow aspects). There's no "wrong" balance either. It's contextual and depends on whether it works for us or doesn't work for us. It's not static either. It's changing depending on what we are trying to incorporate. Which means the strive for a functional balance within AND within our outer context.
All actions have qualities to them, yet, they can still be done in 1000 different ways. I can smash down a cup, place it moderately, gently or hover it, not daring to set it down at all. A person can do all of these under different circumstances.
If I reflect on what helped me most, it's to take in my observations and be ready to let it go. I can see patterns and I'm ready to discard and re-learn them as a person shows change. I know noone. That's why I continuously observe and ask for consent. Obviously that is time consuming. But what's the rush anyway?? Can you imagine how many issues would NOT arise if all of us took the time again to be fully here? If we kept all that is dear very close, but very loosely, so that it could always choose to be with us?
What an awesome world that'd be. But heay, we are where we are. We take a step at a time. That is actually enough and the greatest service we can do to ourselves and the world. To care for real. To truly be there as ourselves and give/receive this grace mutually.
Men think these traits are unattractive and in reality to me and other women it's the opposite
They're attractive for gaining female friends but not necessarily for gaining female partners.
@@1x93cm Depends on the woman, and depends on the man. When you're talking about statistical trends, there is some hint of truth there, but when living your own life, it's better to figure out who you are and what you like without letting culture affect your decisions too much. That's the only real path to being happy with partner dynamics tbh.
@@1x93cm depends on who your hoping to atrract i guess
That's because they're viewing things from the male gaze, and not female gaze
@@bagfootbandit8745 probability > possibility
"If you don't send d pics to your mom, you shoudn't send them to anyone!"
Dr. K Left brain: Now chat won't send d pics to anyone, epic win :D
Dr. K Right brain: Now chat will send d pics to EVERYONE! Oh no! :
I love this one. Thank you!!!
This is a really good take. I questioned myself on this issue too and came to the same conclusions.
Side note, I can tell Dr K. is really cautious that he can't do what he does without walking a tightrope. He's trying his best and we can help by adding to the conversation in a balanced way so that those most hurt in society don't take it out on him. We care share the load together!
This poster really needs to look into Kanji Tatsumi - AKA the "Best Boy"
Keep up the great work HG team! You do the thing the internet needs most
This really resonates with me, really glad it was released. :)
I lift weights, am very courteous to women, I like cars, enjoy some rap and metal, and am not afraid of any sort of confrontation be it mental or physical.
I enjoy all types of anime, listen to girly pop songs, can be very romantic and emotional, love cuddling dogs, cats, and talking about penguins, and have been in a few relationships in my life.
To all my fellow men out there, seriously, just do you. Anyone got any sort of issue with you, screw em. It’s your life, not theirs.
Ah. I see you are a man of culture too
I think a lot of dudes 'just do you' until they get bombarded with bullshit while not having a support network to rely on.
@@99sins It comes from learning how to be strong in your solitude; Even welcoming the solitude. Once we reach a point where we're happy on our own, we are nearly untouchable. It also helps to have at least one or two friends to reliably speak with. If you don't have friends like that, look around and go get em. There's an unbelievable amount of people out there who'd rather be with someone they aren't fully into, JUST to not be alone and wallow in their own sadness and insecurities. That's how breakups happen, it's how divorces happen, and it's where, frankly, most of humanity's issues stem from.
@@AceKite00 damn that last part of ur comment was very eye opening
He went way off the deep end, but he's got a point for sure.
Yep
I related a lot to the person whose post was addressed, and I agree with Dr. K on this- might not be a popular take yet but I think it's very important
ending left me with the biggest smile ;)
Thanks Dr. K !
Tbh I'm a man and can proudly say I cry all the time. If something makes you upset the weird thing to do would be to not get upset at it. I don't trust people who's actions don't match what they say or feel. Just be yourself.
Only legends remembered this video was uploaded right after the "Ethics" video.
Copy pasta analogy so good, thank you for everything Dr. K!!
The last part 💀💀😂
Awesome talk!
this guy's content is just too good
Im not saying this is the case for this person in particular, but this sounds like a lot of stories you hear in the trans community. A lot of us trans women struggle a lot before we realize who we are with masculinity, trying to be what we were told men are supposed to be. Before last year, if you had asked me if I was trans, I wouldve confidently said no. Gender Dysphoria is not always a huge and powerful feeling. For me it was very subtle. My constant desire to be slim or being uncomfortable in general with my body(not even considering gender was a possibility), Having an urge to wear pants on my waist(unconsciously trying to seem as if I have a feminine frame), always being uncomfortable making friends with men despite not being attracted to men, mostly women friends, traumatic moments as a child where my parents would get upset at me for playing w girl toys or even asking to wear girls clothes. and the of course trying to overcompensate for my masculinity by enlisting, or feigning interest in certain things.
My point is the majority of my life, I did not know I was experiencing gender dysphoria or even consider that part of the constant anxiety and doom I felt was because I was pretending to be somebody im not. It wasnt that I wasnt "manly" enough to be comfortable in this role, its that I was never meant to fill that role despite being able to. All of a sudden, that inferiority I felt with my inability to be that masculine person became something I was proud of. All of those traits I had that I was ashamed of suddenly became empowering because I finally understood WHY things were so difficult and WHY they werent clicking. Everybody experiences dysphoria differently, sometimes its subtle, sometimes its extreme. Being transgender in todays world is scary, and there is more misinformation then there is information or even awareness about what these issues even are.
Again im not saying this individual IS trans, but I at least wanted to point out the similarities in experiences for the sake of at least getting that information out there. As I said earlier I at 26, didnt even KNOW I was experiencing dysphoria or what it was. being a man is not easy either. Many feel attacked by society because everything they were taught growing up to be a successful guy isnt working. culture has shifted significantly and unfortunately the only people reaching out to young men it seems are far right reactionaries who essentially tell them women and the lgbt community are to blame for everything.
So about that last point. I used to (regretfully) listen to some of those deep right influential guys like... Crowder or Shapiro and while they don't understand or like LGBT people, they're definitely not blaming everything on that community and women. It's more of just a general nonsense about "the left" ruins everything.
@@NiSE_Rafter yes you're absolutely right, sorry about that. I listened to a little of Peterson but I definitely fell into the military culture and mindset for a while which almost defaults pretty right in a lot of cases
Meanwhile me, only recently having started questioning my gender. I have been pretty sure since the past month or so that I am trans, after having lead up to it over the past year. But now this video is making me doubt myself again. Do I want to transition or do I just want to be accepted as a feminine man? On the one hand, the latter won't solve the dysphoria I'm clearly feeling, but on the... okay sorry yeah I'm convinced nevermind.
Great video ! You handled the subject very well in my opinion.
I rarely think about it anymore, but when I was still in school, I actually often thought about this, purely from a physical perspective. I associated being manly with being able to do hard physical labor, but I'm handicapped - I can build muscle and become strong, sure, but because my sense of balance is forever skewed since birth, I can't do stuff like carrying heavy furniture downstairs because I need to hold on to the handrail or I'll take a tumble. Or climb ladders to change a lightbulb. Thinking about it now and listening to this, it's interesting I thought about this purely from a physical perspective.
Oh no this one hits close to home. While I don't relate to having feminine hobbies or many female friends, I can really related to feeling like you fail the masculine gender role everyday.
Some of my self esteem issues stem from this, and makes me lose alot of confidence because I do not fit what a man should be in my head. It's even harder to talk about it because no guys will take you seriously if you show even an ounce of non masculine behavior, especially online.
I believe the most manly thing you could do is assume responsibility for what you are. You're feminine ? Cool, own it. As soon as you own it, nobody can touch you.
I would also recommend going to the gym and learning how to fight, for everyone men and women
"feeling like you fail the masculine gender role everyday." - that is what gender roles do, nearly no one can fulfill them without getting damaged in one way or another. They are a tool to keep us weak, insecure and separate from one another. Easy to be ruled and influenced by authorities.
I think one of the greatest challenges facing "softer" men is the fact that there are no women out there willing to be providers, etc. Even the independent women with careers and nice salaries and such aren't looking for anything but a man who makes more than them. Men are so often only valued for a certain few characteristics that, realistically, not every person born with testicles is going to have. Simply put, in the modern heterosexual dating world, men are basically only valued for their finances and abilities. People don't want a person to have a relationship with, they want a human resource that acts as a source of money and hard work.
You're on point.
BINGO
Spot on! I wonder if there is a woman here who can rebut this.
As a man, I don't want a woman that doesn't "want a person to have a relationship with, but a human resource that acts as a source of money" ...
If by being soft you repel these human sized mosquitoes, then that's a blessing.
Claiming there are "no women" who aren't vultures, is ridiculous.
@@rupert909 Yeah, obviously I was speaking in generalizations, but I did at least specify "in the modern heterosexual dating world". Like, in general, there are plenty of women who aren't like that. There are, in fact, way more women out there who have much healthier attitudes toward other human beings.
They're not the ones flocking to the straight dating sites (whether those be websites or physical locations), though. Also, a number of these healthy people are going to be lesbian or trans or in some way just "part woman" psychologically (like myself) by virtue of simply growing up outside of mainstream social pressures and generally living lives that don't involve being constantly sought after.
This was good and informational and I'm glad I stuck around to the very end because I was losing it. XD lmao
This video didn't show up in my feed. Needed this though.
I felt this, and with all female role models. At the age of 21, I decided to become non-binary. It's the only way I'm able to express who I am, and even tiptoeing close to the word 'man' makes me upset. I knew I couldn't be masculine and I also couldn't be feminine. I'm simply an individual.
You don't have to be non binary to do that, you just kind of, well, live after 1980.
The ending really is the best
I’m frustrated by everything, the way that both men and women try to enforce gender norms on themselves and others, I’m tired of feeling like a victim who doesn’t deserve the title of a victim. Im so done with being told that my generation is soft when in reality we are brave, brave enough to think, and talk to each other. I have so many thoughts and feelings that I feel I can’t express without being publicly stoned.
Doc on fire this week🔥
I consider "Gender roles" to be (among) the most crippling aspect(s) of society for self-expression, social interaction and mental well-being.
If we all stopped talking so much about gender roles would it get better?
It's less about the talking and more about not shoving them down people's throats.
(Among) (s)
I disagree. If you don't fit in, cool, see that as a challenge and it will be the thing that makes you grow the most.
Most men fit that gender role, most women fit that gender role, thats just statistics. If you dont, then you a have a change to grow (this comes from a person with social anxiety)
@@LordiGFX imagine not being able to properly counter argument like a normal human being
we're in this awkward transitionary period for gender roles and it's gonna take a while for things to really be figured out
that. Had pretty much this exact thought, and I'm so glad someone else thinks so too.
To be honest it's going to take shit ton of time and not even a few decades because these are patriarchal norms that has been ingrained in the monds pf children since th day they were born. The education system of most of the countries are fucked up. Schools don't teach this. People who are aware about this, is because of social media. It's a long journey. Us millennials won't be able to witness it, not in this century at least
@@jatinchanchlani8982 we really are the broken generation.
"Just be yourself" they say
IF WE COULD WE WOULD OMG STOP
i feel like him when it comes to disney movies, romance, reading, and a few other things. other than dressing up and playing with dolls and things of that nature, i completely relate to him.
I relate to OP a lot in a way... I'm definitely a more feminine, "soft" kinda guy. I'm bisexual, in touch with my emotions, like feminine coded things, etc. I've experienced some of the pressure to be masculine, but it's never really been that bad for me in most regards, and I'm very confident it's because my mother is an avid feminist who instilled in me those values that it's perfectly fine, scratch that - righteous, to turn away from gender norms in favor of how you truly feel the person inside you is. I like some masc things and some fem things, it doesn't really matter. My recommendation to people feeling like their too "soft" to be a man is to find an environment of people who embrace that "softness" (being bisexual helps a lot because the LGBTQ community is the perfect place to find this attitude).
Being soft is fine, it's about how you take responsability in times of need. Sometimes being soft makes you weak and that's when there needs to be a change. Get strong (physically and mentally) and keep your soft side for the good times. Don't lie and be trustworthy. You don't even have to be "manly" just be a force to be reckoned with.
This timing could not be more perfect for me haha
Be honest with yourself and people. Don't avoid risk, learn on your mistakes. There is always something you can learn. Don't force yourself to be "manly" or any other idea. Explore yourself and the world. Life is not all sweet, but it is also not all bad. You are becoming more competent in being a human being. Keep going, be open minded, remember that you (and every other people) make logical mistakes in our perception of the world. Learn about logical mistakes which lead to low self worth and pain. Pain is a signal that you are being wrong in your particular ideas
I’m trans and so it feels like I’m in a negotiation with society about how much of traditional masculinity I buy into in order to fit into a society that already does not like me and refuses to see me as who I am. I have come to the conclusion that if the world won’t accept me no matter what then I’m just gonna do me. Takes the stress off of me anyway. Most women won’t date me anyway. Also, people lie in those polls, people want to believe they would stick around and date a bisexual non hypermasculine guy but the reality is that it’s fine in theory but practice is always something else. That isn’t to say women are evil liars just that most people don’t know what they’re getting into and aren’t always prepared. I’ve become pretty jaded to this stuff I will say, I wouldn’t say I’m cynical though. I wish there was some advice that could be given to people like me, but the reality is that most people would not date me. It’s a difficult thing to be faced with, I am working on letting go of that need for romantic relationships. It’s not impossible for me, I’ve had a few relationships. But as I enter adulthood and my peers do the same they start to conform, they don’t want to lose their family over who they date, some of them want children. All these things are valid, doesn’t make it easier though.
"You do not friend mids who feed"
yes, wise words indeed.
11:32 "When we ask 'who cares?' in a rhetorical sense, who cares is you." Bruh.. that caught me off guard.
The michael cera thumbnail is a great touch
Bro was choosing his words CAREFULLY. Can’t even have our problems be acknowledged without fifty clauses to keep yourself from getting cancelled lol it’s so hard to maintain a good attitude when you aren’t allowed to be honest about the thing killing you inside because it might step on other peoples toes.
I’m trying man but it’s hard
The acknowledgement that gender roles are very much alive and well and shape our life is also very nice to see, when it seems like everyone wants to act like we're done with them or something
Seeing "soccer" mentioned as other "womenly" things like dolls and makeup is such a weird experience. It's the exact opposite here (in Europe). It's funny how cultural and arbitrary all of this shit is.
With sexual assault, I've also been saying it doesn't matter what gender the person is getting assaulted, it's still assault. That's how I lost my virginity in fact and my family laughed at me saying I was the first guy to not enjoy sex. Then a woman gets called names and treated like she "asked for it".
This derailed SO HARD, I love it
bruh the michael cera thumbnail is fucking hilarious
My only problem with dating someone like this (man or woman) would be their incapacity of dealing with problems head on. You don't have to have the values that man had centuries ago, you just need one of them, problem solving.
He could study math, game theory, psicology what ever.
That's the biggest turn off of "soft" men for most women. Men like this should balanced themselves out to a state in which they have a tough mind and are able to evoke aggressiveness and violence whenever needed, but keep a tight control over that and STILL be able to be emotional, empathetic, etc. Think of Aragorn, Mufasa or Rocky for examples in popular culture.
@@vinanet77 Oh yes, I am queer person so I see these men as not exactly what I would want but yeah.
My thing would really be just a feminine and even submissive guy but who can actually be healthy emotionally. I currently have a guy like that in my life and it's amazing!
Honestly very well said, couldn't put it better myself. I have a bunch of traits and interests that can be traditionally described as feminine or not masculine but I always had firm grasp of "Manning up" to things. You being a manly man isn't determined by all these random stuff, it's by the fact whether or not you can be a man when it matters and stand ground to solve the problems.
@@labibrashidinan9868 precisely. Do what you enjoy. But when the time comes you must "man up"
Sounds pretty toxic imo. A lot to ask from people that have been through shit and probably need support to be able to deal with problems at all, let alone head on. Would you say the same thing (man up when the time comes) to people with mental illness or personality disorders?
I think this is what most of the trauma/bs that comes with not fitting into gender roles lead to.
that last timestamp was pure gold
The thumbnail is savage.
You wanna be manly? Own up what you you like. A real manly man does what he does without feeling like their masculinity is hurt.
What if you like being the receiver? Is that manly or masculine? Has it ever been?
At least from a dating perspective its interesting how a lot of worlds famous womanizers have been quite feminine, for example Russel Brand or Harry Styles. "But they're rich!" i hear you say - yes but so are a lot of the women they date i.e other multi-millionaire stars like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. A lot of it is due to confidence, which a lot of men think means stoic and hard hearted. For some women though that's what they want and thats too is fine. What matters is leaning into what you are naturally, and is that easy? Hell no, i know cus i struggle with this - but if you're going to try, do not try and adhere to what you think you should be like what the good Doctor says at 22:35. If anything its about letting go, and i know it sounds abstract, but that release is very scary and there in comes vulnerability and vulnerability ultimately what leads to true confidence. Not the shit that "Charisma on command" teach where its basically tools to mask and avoid ever being in pain. That will come bite you in the ass one day for sure.
the other argument would be that these men are not womanizers because they are confident or rich but because they are handsome, but thats going to another rabitt hole, what gets me courious about your argument is more about the confidence part, lots of people are not confident for logical reasons, so as worth it as it is to be naturally yourself when that just brings pain?
I think the main thing that people find attractive is authenticity. Being feminine or masculine are both fine. People are drawn most strongly to people who seem true to themselves.
I mean, personally, women have fawned over me when I have dressed up in ways other men would call not manly
Part of the difficulty in this topic is that people conflate sex and gender, and then further conflate gender with gender identity, gender role, and gender expression. Of moving away from "man = adult human male" and "woman = adult human female" to "man and woman mean whatever I want them to mean, and here's 50 other labels in between." Each of these is different and describes something specific. Sex, for instance, is hardware and (thus far) unchangeable, and there are times when each sex is different and those differences matter. There also needs to be a balance between recognizing when traditional gender roles are outdated vs when they are useful, since they came into being for a reason and some of those reasons were bad and limiting, but some of those reasons might be good as well and you don't wanna throw the baby out with the bathwater. Humanity is currently engaged in a conversation about renegotiating all this to a hopefully better place, but we should be careful not to create a cure worse than the disease either. It's complicated.
Michael Cera seeing this thumbnail 😐
I honestly cannot for the life of me understand how someone surrenders their locus of control to outside sources enough, that being manly, and these legendary "Gender norms" I kept hearing about for the last decades ever since I was a child, become appealing.
I can't recall a single time I cared about boy things or girl things.
If I didn't have toy cars, I used dolls. I had to use whatever the hell was available to entertain myself, even if that meant stealing my mom's clothes and making fun of showgirls by walking funny, alone, at home.
It's educational, at some point maybe I'll get it, but for now I can't wrap my head around surrendering control of your life and feelings to others as a good thing.
I agree with you, but i guess is social approval, we are social animals, all that jazz
you know what they say. "we live in a society"
When you get beaten up enough for acting a certain way it suddenly becomes very motivating to not act that way.
@@MattWaldin I fought back and forced people nearby to react so that wasn't an issue for me
@@BygoneT good for you, can't the same about the SA and physical abuse victims that couldn't though.
I was very gay and very out in college. A pretty close bisexual female friend kissed me at a tipsy college house party not sure whe was trying to convert me or not. I felt nothing, and appreciated it as confirmation of my status as gay :D
just make out with all your [opposite gender of attraction] friends to prove how hetero/gay you are.
I think this video has the best comment scroll of any HGGG I've seen so far. Also so much love for "if you wouldn't do it to your mom, don't do it!"!!! 😂
It's curious that most guys, even outwardly feminine ones, feel the need to repress femininity. I don't know if it's upbringing or differences in societal pressure (or an individual's response to societal pressure), but when I started figuring myself out it was very easy and natural to express myself in a way that was against the grain socially. It was liberating in fact, I felt and continue to feel exceedingly happy presenting hyper-feminine as a guy.