Late to the party, but I needed this video. I've been working on this for years and perhaps because of all going on in the world today, I think I finally got it. I've always had the thought, "If you're nice to people, they'll be nice to you." Not the case, and it's actually manipulative to think that way. I have a neighbor who is a real jerk who I've been living next to for two years. He has been telling me where I can park on the street in order to allow him maximum spaces since he has 9 vehicles (junk vehicles). I kept trying to be "nice" but finally had it and told him (with no fear) "You do not have the right, nor the authority to tell anyone who lives on this street where they can and cannot park." May seem small to others, but it was a HUGE breakthrough for me. I feel like my feet were finally planted on the ground. I came up with the following saying (for those who have a silly sense of humor): "I'll take "kind" over "nice" any day. Kind will whisper in your ear, hand you a tissue and share a warm giggle. Nice will have you parading that booger around all damned day."
I had a moment of confrontation recently, where I was so proud of myself, but my nervous system was so triggered after I completely resonate with your story 🎉congratulations
Probably my biggest weakness is always needing to be "nice", no matter the consequences for myself. I'm just starting to work on boundaries, and your videos are helping me so much right now!
The problem isn’t just being nice as such I think we are very responsible people and will take on a lot of responsibility that does not belong to us. I think the Pareto principle applies not only to power and wealth in a society but also the more mundane long term responsibilities of life. Many people will happily toss a responsibility over their shoulder without a second thought to the consequences and never feel guilty. Who ends up picking up their slack? I would say guilt is our Achilles heel, I am reading about toxic guilt and watching videos about it on here; it is going to be one of my self development goals this year. Anyway aside from that I would to say if you have trouble saying NO, keep your mouth shut. Got spare money? Spare time? Spare room? 🤐 it’s not being economical with the truth, it’s being economical with personal information 😇 and as I have learnt the hard way; you just can’t help some people, you REALLY can’t. I once heard someone say ‘if you swim over to a drowning person they will pull you down with them’ Rant over. Hi to all my infj brethren and writer colleagues across the pond✌🏻
I'm an INFP and love , absolutely adore INFJs! I think infps are more self-absorbed and individualistic since they have that introverted feeling they are very self confident in their values and gut feelings where infjs need more of that people's validation and positive feedback. For this exact same reason infps are not as loved by people as infjs are, cause they lack extroverted feeling and that consideration people expect from them. But for infps is very important to be seen as nice people too, so they focus a lot on themselves to be that nice perfect person until they redirect their attention to the exterior and see others for who they really are and then infps explode in anger, so they have that famous doorslam too since they tend to idealize people and reality until truth hits them in the face and they have to take it. Infps should focus more on the outside through a more realistic lenses and take reality for what it is instead of focusing on becoming this perfect angel. For the infps is the self-image. While infjs should stop caring of how their decisions and perspectives affect others emotionally. They should realize they don't owe anyone anything. For the infjs is the people's validation. Saying NO for an infp has a negative impact on their self-image that would go like - oh maybe I'm not such a nice person as I thought I was. Maybe I need to improve myself. Saying NO for an infj is like- oh maybe I hurt that person's feelings and now they think I'm a bad person. who am I really? Am I a bad person? This realization made me very selective in choosing who I let around me, and basically cut off all toxic people but also more realistic and accepting of different perspectives and consciousness levels! I try hard to see people for who they really are first for not idealizing them anymore and second for not taking their judging shit when they're no better than me in any way. These two types really love staying up above in harmony and don't mess with lower energies. It's healthy and constructive for them I think.
After reading your whole comment, um thank you and yes as infj i would make decisions based on how others feel. But, it always backfires and i get hurt. Setting boubdaries is new ish but for self preservation im learning.
Thank you so much for this!! This is something I struggle, struggle, struggle with, and it so encouraging and validating to hear you explain it like this! I love all your videos - can’t get enough!!
Am an Infj. Making people feel bad about feel bad about them selves crushes my soul. I find my self saying sorry a lot of times than i need to. Yet i have learned saying no when it needs to be said, but i find it had most of the times because some how i feel am putting them a bad place
Easier said than done. Trying to unlearn this is trying to undo your freeze fawn or flight response. It unlocks a lot of unpleasant stuffed up feelings inside Ppl call me genuine when really am sitting with a pile of junk files of things beneath me of all the annoying things they do to me………
Them you so much for this. It's not specifically about what you do but where on the energy scale you're operating from and whether that's in harmony or incongruous with what your body is telling you.
Im a infj guy. Deep sensitivity and masculine strength. Right? This goes against societal norms. Recently, ive become comfortable being this. But yeah saying no and boundaries were hard. Now. After a ... transforming experience, i learned its ok if not needed. To say no. Its sonetimes more helpful to not being super helpful. Sometimes. Some need to learn in their own time. Right?
High agreeableness/ high openness = wanting everyone to love you but that never happens because not all people are agreeable and not all people are open to highly intuitive person so thats unfortunate for us because loneliness is not choice it’s destined to happen forcing people to love you more means selling yourself short aka self abandonment which is “ you matter and i dont “ that never work because people will use you like an object then toss you away the worse thing is they dont even notice that you’re doing it thats how absurd people are im really curious if someone in a lab could asses sensors types values / capabilities / vision for life there is something common about them they seem stuck in teenage years and the never learn actually abandoning yourself for them is the worse thing you can do to yourself they will be bored with you and think you’re being socially weird or just dumb they’re thick skinned and don’t care that you’re hurt most people need visceral level stimulation to feel anything actually “ sensors “ they only learn through senses with the hand and the fist being short sighted wanting to live the moment to seize the day and being around others who seize the day thats how shallow most of these relationships are
Late to the party, but I needed this video. I've been working on this for years and perhaps because of all going on in the world today, I think I finally got it. I've always had the thought, "If you're nice to people, they'll be nice to you." Not the case, and it's actually manipulative to think that way. I have a neighbor who is a real jerk who I've been living next to for two years. He has been telling me where I can park on the street in order to allow him maximum spaces since he has 9 vehicles (junk vehicles). I kept trying to be "nice" but finally had it and told him (with no fear) "You do not have the right, nor the authority to tell anyone who lives on this street where they can and cannot park." May seem small to others, but it was a HUGE breakthrough for me. I feel like my feet were finally planted on the ground. I came up with the following saying (for those who have a silly sense of humor): "I'll take "kind" over "nice" any day. Kind will whisper in your ear, hand you a tissue and share a warm giggle. Nice will have you parading that booger around all damned day."
I had a moment of confrontation recently, where I was so proud of myself, but my nervous system was so triggered after I completely resonate with your story 🎉congratulations
Probably my biggest weakness is always needing to be "nice", no matter the consequences for myself. I'm just starting to work on boundaries, and your videos are helping me so much right now!
The problem isn’t just being nice as such I think we are very responsible people and will take on a lot of responsibility that does not belong to us. I think the Pareto principle applies not only to power and wealth in a society but also the more mundane long term responsibilities of life. Many people will happily toss a responsibility over their shoulder without a second thought to the consequences and never feel guilty. Who ends up picking up their slack? I would say guilt is our Achilles heel, I am reading about toxic guilt and watching videos about it on here; it is going to be one of my self development goals this year.
Anyway aside from that I would to say if you have trouble saying NO, keep your mouth shut. Got spare money? Spare time? Spare room? 🤐 it’s not being economical with the truth, it’s being economical with personal information 😇 and as I have learnt the hard way; you just can’t help some people, you REALLY can’t. I once heard someone say ‘if you swim over to a drowning person they will pull you down with them’
Rant over.
Hi to all my infj brethren and writer colleagues across the pond✌🏻
I'm an INFP and love , absolutely adore INFJs! I think infps are more self-absorbed and individualistic since they have that introverted feeling they are very self confident in their values and gut feelings where infjs need more of that people's validation and positive feedback.
For this exact same reason infps are not as loved by people as infjs are, cause they lack extroverted feeling and that consideration people expect from them.
But for infps is very important to be seen as nice people too, so they focus a lot on themselves to be that nice perfect person until they redirect their attention to the exterior and see others for who they really are and then infps explode in anger, so they have that famous doorslam too since they tend to idealize people and reality until truth hits them in the face and they have to take it.
Infps should focus more on the outside through a more realistic lenses and take reality for what it is instead of focusing on becoming this perfect angel. For the infps is the self-image.
While infjs should stop caring of how their decisions and perspectives affect others emotionally. They should realize they don't owe anyone anything. For the infjs is the people's validation.
Saying NO for an infp has a negative impact on their self-image that would go like - oh maybe I'm not such a nice person as I thought I was. Maybe I need to improve myself.
Saying NO for an infj is like- oh maybe I hurt that person's feelings and now they think I'm a bad person. who am I really? Am I a bad person?
This realization made me very selective in choosing who I let around me, and basically cut off all toxic people but also more realistic and accepting of different perspectives and consciousness levels! I try hard to see people for who they really are first for not idealizing them anymore and second for not taking their judging shit when they're no better than me in any way.
These two types really love staying up above in harmony and don't mess with lower energies. It's healthy and constructive for them I think.
After reading your whole comment, um thank you and yes as infj i would make decisions based on how others feel. But, it always backfires and i get hurt. Setting boubdaries is new ish but for self preservation im learning.
Good points and helpful-INFP here
@i .candy Right and well said. Self-absorption has nothing to do with being an INFP.
Thank you so much for this!! This is something I struggle, struggle, struggle with, and it so encouraging and validating to hear you explain it like this! I love all your videos - can’t get enough!!
Am an Infj. Making people feel bad about feel bad about them selves crushes my soul. I find my self saying sorry a lot of times than i need to. Yet i have learned saying no when it needs to be said, but i find it had most of the times because some how i feel am putting them a bad place
Easier said than done. Trying to unlearn this is trying to undo your freeze fawn or flight response. It unlocks a lot of unpleasant stuffed up feelings inside
Ppl call me genuine when really am sitting with a pile of junk files of things beneath me of all the annoying things they do to me………
Them you so much for this. It's not specifically about what you do but where on the energy scale you're operating from and whether that's in harmony or incongruous with what your body is telling you.
I saw the title - and that was it. This is THE problem!
Im a infj guy. Deep sensitivity and masculine strength. Right? This goes against societal norms. Recently, ive become comfortable being this. But yeah saying no and boundaries were hard. Now. After a ... transforming experience, i learned its ok if not needed. To say no. Its sonetimes more helpful to not being super helpful. Sometimes. Some need to learn in their own time. Right?
High agreeableness/ high openness = wanting everyone to love you but that never happens because not all people are agreeable and not all people are open to highly intuitive person so thats unfortunate for us because loneliness is not choice it’s destined to happen forcing people to love you more means selling yourself short aka self abandonment which is “ you matter and i dont “ that never work because people will use you like an object then toss you away the worse thing is they dont even notice that you’re doing it thats how absurd people are im really curious if someone in a lab could asses sensors types values / capabilities / vision for life there is something common about them they seem stuck in teenage years and the never learn actually abandoning yourself for them is the worse thing you can do to yourself they will be bored with you and think you’re being socially weird or just dumb they’re thick skinned and don’t care that you’re hurt most people need visceral level stimulation to feel anything actually “ sensors “ they only learn through senses with the hand and the fist being short sighted wanting to live the moment to seize the day and being around others who seize the day thats how shallow most of these relationships are
Bravo! Thank you. I just had to do the letter thing to somebody before watching your video and then you mentioned it. Amazing.
This really hits home.😞
What i like to do is help the younger infjs and infps so they dont have to go at it alone for 50 whatever years.
🤦♀️ omg that’s so me
You gotta do a collab with big Quinn 559