Ludmila Marešová I agree with you, I was sure if I was weird or what, cause I love love to be alone, I don’t even care if anyone’s around me, once they diagnosed my daughter, well I ignored them at first, they told me again three months later, and said she probably got it from me, I was terrified, but once I learned the traits, it nailed me, and I finally knew why both of us was like we were and it was okay with me, it nailed me for my skills and behaviors, the weird things I had done for years, and got made fun of, my in laws made fun of me all the time, peculiar was what they called me, but I always had a thought that they were not very smart, so haha on them, I’m not peculiar because I’m quiet and like to be at home with my kids, and because I love Bach and other beautiful musicians, I’m not weird period, haha I’m actually smarter than all of them, and now that I divorced their son, I went on and now have a nicer home than any of them and they can’t control me anymore, I’m okay how I am, acceptance of these traits are very freeing just in itself, I’m glad I have Aspergers.
When you accept it and use that acceptance of it to reprogram the bad emotional and physical aspects of aspbergers. Yes it can be liberating. Using it as an excuse for XYZ though is not libetation
After having an autistic mother and an autistic partner, the most important thing I can tell you is be willing to learn and care about the feelings of others. The thing I see the most in the two autistics in my life is narcissism. Do the opposite of that!
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 10 years. It caused me to completely shut down my emotions, and protect myself from my own empathy. When that codependent relationship ended I suddenly realized that I was about to lose my only link to my friends (my ex). So I basically said 'it's now or never" and got my couple friends in a group chat and just poured my heart out to them. I was so vulnerable it was terrifying. They talked with me and comforted me, and helped me figure some stuff out about myself. In doing so we all became much closer, and I can now proudly say I've been able to comfort them in their times of need! Previously I could not have done that. I learned emotional intelligence from my caring friends. I'm so grateful.
I experienced shutting down in a long-term relationship too, to 'protect myself from my own empathy'. I think the way you went about resolving issues around losing shared friends was brilliant! When in doubt and if at all possible, use the direct approach.Yes! Good for you.
I am incredibly grateful for your content. My husband and son were both identified as having Aspergers two years ago. You have helped me understand how they see the world. These videos have been an asset to my marriage and the parenting of my son. I hope to be a patron of yours someday. Thank you!
3:30 the kindergarten story. It’s about hierarchies and their function in society. All the other kids instinctively knew to watch the teacher for their cues because she held the highest social status for the situation you were all in. You a) didn’t understand this, and b) had the distractions of the room (and other children) to deal with.
I think this part about the "why's" is huge.... I think it's fundamental. I think it even affects how we take in new information. I also think that it is a factor in Tree --> Forest thinking. We need to know all about each tree!
What would be really useful is if someone made a database of various social pragmatics, the reasoning behind them and examples of use for us to study to. It would make it so much easier for us to interact with society in a productive way.
This is fascinating - I’ve done the same thing myself, same stages. My first transition happened at 16, maybe earlier because I’m female. It all really boils down to the fact that we are wired & function differently on a fundamental level, but we learn very very quickly if we can learn the right way to do something. ‘My brain is a giant filing cabinet’ & ‘I need to understand WHY’ - 100% resonate! I love all your charts too.
OMG!!!! It's like a thousand light bulb moments were going off during this video. Only just discovered you and watched maybe 2 or 3 videos so will now subscribe and binge watch your channel. When you was describing the observation stage I can so relate, especially when you also try to learn intellectually how to socialise. I just had vision of you sitting there dressed like an explorer with a clipboard and binoculars studying a newly discovered species. I spent a huge amount of my life, especially at the school playground obsessively studying/observing these strange beings we call "humans" like I wasn't human myself. I've heard other aspies describe feeling like an "alien" or otherwise "not like other humans" Great video!
Thanks for your videos. It's such a myth that people on the spectrum have 'no' emotions. Sometimes I wonder if we actually have more emotions than NT's, but that we deal with our emotions differently. Yet at the same time, I see a very strong logical bent to our thinking. This outlook on emotional situations through the lens of logic may be what makes us appear to not understand emotions or to even have emotions from the NT perspective. It seems like what WE think we appear as, or what WE perceive ourselves to be saying or meaning is often NOT what the NT world sees or understands. It's an almost total breakdown of communication between the two neurological set-ups (NT/ASD). Unfortunately, NT's historically are the ones setting the narrative. THEY decide what, who, and why WE act a certain way - THEY have defined US to the world and this is just not right. It's time NT's stop defining people on the spectrum by what NT's think we are, and have us all speak out in every way we can to let us tell the world who we really are.
As an aspie woman, I definitley have more emotions than NT's but it is basically like an overload of stimulation from feeling too much and it causes me to withdraw and also, how I feel and how people see us (on the outside) are very different things. We just like to understand everything, as you said and just because we don't outwardly express it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I love our Neuro diverse community. So supportive and loving and accepting of each other!
Nobody seriously said, AS people have no or less emotions. That is Alexithymia. Read this, Geoffery Bird paper, called Autism and Alexithymia .. put that title and guys name in search and find paper that makes what am saying very clear. Very good news for Aspies.
Iam not sure we aspies need to change to NTs, we bring in new perspective that direct this world to a better direction, just like we are individuals so we should not be working as robots, treated as robots etc, also we bring humanity closer to nature, animals, science. We are growing in number so soon it will be clearer all the good things we can enlighten.
People say we don't have feelings. I feel we feel strongly. It's debilitating. I also have other mental health struggles. But I'm just so tortured at the moment. My past. My present. My fear of the future. Being bored. Feeling alone.
So vulnerable to loss. Yet it happens so easy. Why does loss's effect take so long to get past? I'm afraid to go out in the world, so easily taken advantage of. Supposedly my gender can't be that. Nothing to help.
I feel in my heart my husband is asperger's and I'm just really learning how listening to you.i felt alot of yrs of feeling rejected by him cuz I didnt understand his thought process. So now I feel I'm at least underestimating the why?and it's a big step of forgiving him.cuz he had no clue. Thxs love your videos. Keep up the excellent work.im sure it's so helpful .it sure is to me.
I call my brain the Rolodex, and am just now seeing my life’s events and struggles make sense, and can’t begin to describe the relief and understanding I get from watching your videos ☺️ Thank you
Wow, I've called such moments "the Rolodex" too, when a whole array of flash moments of memory fire off - as a "place to put that" or solution comes to awareness.
I've never had a problem with something as simple as saying "hello" to someone when they say it to me, that's a pretty easy social thing to learn, my problem is more like I think I've completely mastered "greetings" by only every saying a single phrase to everybody I meet, every single time I meet them. Or I just parrot whatever greeting they use, which people definitely think is weird. Also keeping conversations going isn't hard because I can't relate to the person, it's because my brain simply has zero interest in what the person is saying and expending any energy to generate interest is absolutely draining. My desire to be polite might be at 100% but if I have low energy it is simply impossible.
Your content is gold, Paul. Emotional intelligence is very possible, in fact it should be taught in elementary school regardless if we're NT or Neurodiverse. Emotions is what make us human, what connect us. We all feel. I've learned to process and liberate these feelings that have been in me for decades that manifested in physical and psychological disorders. Some autistics went through trauma and abuse and ended up being vilified. Most people think that those on the spectrum are emotionless, how wrong are they. Emotional intelligence is so very important and thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
Coming back to this video after years feels insane. It instantly gave me peace of mind during a really tough few years. The overall message turned out to be true, things are looking up. Thanks for the video
The differences in how you perceived yourself from normal to dreadlocks, reminds me of when I started listening to heavy metal music, MetallicA, PanterA and so on, I couldn't grow my hair out, but I looked just like a heavy guy, people went from thinking I was boring, to thinking I was insane, which in a strange way boosted my ego, compared to their usual insults. But I still dress that way because what I realized is that was where I developed my own sense of purpose and identity; and I no longer cared what people thought about me. Great video man, I could relate to every word you spoke.
You finally gave me a way to explain what I mean by "I think in math". People are so afraid of math that it's not as helpful as it could be. I'm not some math genius. It's that understanding that everything connects in a measurable and predictable way. It's a comforting thought to me but I don't get opportunities to share that comfort.
I used to have the "why do I have to do what everyone else is doing?" mentality too and I actively rebelled against learning social skills... now I realize that social skills are vital to success whether you like it or not. Also, you were in kindergarten when you were 3!?
@@Zeverinsen I am American lol here kindergarten starts at age 5-6, anything before that is preschool. I guess things are different in other places, I just thought he was really really smart lol
@@MatthewC33199 In Australia (at least when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s) children would go to kindergarten the year they turned 4, followed by preschool the year they turned 5 and finally grade 1 the year they turned 6. HTH
For me the way to understand was to think: ok, we are decendents of monkeys with cavemen brains. So all the social behaviours can be explained in this context. For example: in school i realized that all the alpha males have a group of semi alphas to confirm and mantain his power. In return, de semi alphas would have a share of his status and power. How he gets the power? By showing force against the weaker - bullying in a nutshell. ( same in work places ) So, you dont have to fight them, just show that u are not a easy prey, and they will jump to another victim. Another example: i live in a really violent country, so i got assalted more than 9 times ( i walked with my head down and low shoulders) .. since i started adopting a more "confident posture" (head up, back strait, closed lips and loking to a point in front of me and showing no emotion ) the assalts stoped! Seens crazy but a lot of our body language afects the subconcious. ( see in elevators, people are aways looking down - for primates, looking in the eye of a stranger is a agressive berravior ) Making this kind of observations, made easy (less hard) for me to know what to say/what to do in the right context.
OMG thats exactly the way I learned social behaviour during puberty! I read books and looked at the people the way other primatologists look at monkeys. I consider myself to be a grown female ape.
I'm O neg blood type. No RH from monkey. Neanderthal I guess. No one knows where they came from. Maybe I'm different because I am, bigfoot maybe can relate with me.
@@petemorton8403 maybe from the giants or denisovans. No doubt were far more special than the propaganda has washed into the majority of minds. Personally I'd say u were 1 closer step to the ancient builders than the rest of us are currently ;)
You are gold. Thank you so much for being transparent, vulnerable, and sharing your Aspergers experience and insight with the world. Your work helps me to understand my husband and son better. Thank you.
One thing I've realised is that I have intense emotional responses to things. I don't just get upset, my heart actually feels like its breaking. I get so angry over seemingly minor things that others would not get upset about and I stay upset because I don't know what to do when my feelings get hurt. It can take a lot of positive experiences to erase one negative one. I also can recall exactly what happened and what was said days, months and in some cases years after things happened as if it just happened so I can be thrown right back into something emotionally if I'm triggered. I can't regulate it. It's horrible when it happens. I used to think melt downs were temper tantrums but have come to realising that my crying (I cry when I'm sad, hurt and angry) is my form of a meltdown. It's really dumb because it sabotages me. Anyway, I'm still learning and I look forward to hearing more about your course. Wondering if you think that guys are really that different from girl Aspies and whether the stereotypes are correct about male/females. One man I know identifies more strongly with what they classically say are male Asperger's traits and I feel I have more male like traits. I keep wondering about the whole androgenous thing and thinking that might have something to do with it. Thoughts?
Large emotional reactions are common for those of us who are super sensitive. You might be more reactive than most but you can still learn to manage those reactions after they occur so that they don't sabotage you (as much) down the track. I don't believe stereotypes exist as anything more than a statistical bias. There are many statistical (i.e. common) differences between men and women. The course starts this weekend. There is also a free introductory webinar the day before the course starts - for people who want to try before you buy. www.eventbrite.com.au/o/emotions-explained-16454088977
Thank you for sharing that, because you have just described me to a T with the melt downs. It's like the emotions explode into crying fits and I have to take myself to a 'safe place' inside of myself to analyse and figure out what's going on and why, so that I can heal myself again (if that makes sense). I can't have people around me while I'm going through the process because I feel that they don't understand the process and my way of thinking.
Hi I am a pastoral counselor. It sounds as if you have Emotional Disregulation rather than being on the autism spectrum. You can look that up on RUclips. Also DBT skills can help you learn to regulate your emotions. God bless!
Totally binge watching today! Thank you Paul for sharing your stories and knowledge with us! Totally agree that while we do learn throughout our journey we will always continue to learn. Learning everything is not possible or realistic - the journey is continuous. After learning so much over many years and getting hurt physically and now deal with chronic pain on top of everything else, I really realized that I needed to update and gain new skills. This is where many hours of CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, and Better Sleep classes have really helped (thankfully offered through my local healthcare). You are correct in where you need an interactive environment to really teach these concepts and allow for questioning. Learning from people who have a similar diagnosis is super beneficial and I hope people really appreciate what you are doing!! And OMG a pattern thinker...yes!! And the why questioning...yes!! Really can relate to that. Love all your charts as you are speaking my language!!
I ditto Joey. And thank you again for sharing from your perspective. So valuable and interesting and enriching for me right now. Expanding my horizons, giving me more insight and compassion and appreciation. Even helped this evening in talking with my young neighbor who I care about a lot. I’m feeling more and more that she may well be on the spectrum/Aspie ... listening, accepting, trying to understand without assuming I do, not having to understand it all...
I had also such radical change, it happened around when I was 13 years old. Since then I became pro at understanding social basics and replicate them even though logically certain social behaviour didn't make sense.
Great video! I see my little boy struggling with exactly this. He craves interaction with his peers, but only wants to play things his way. Strangely in his case, because he is a crazy and wild kid, hes actually really popular with the other children, because he's exciting. However, he always goes that little bit too far and the other children end up crying or getting told off for copying him! I'm hoping that as time goes on he figures it all out, and I this upload has given me a little hope. As always..... thankyou.
He's getting there...... and thanks to your videos and the hard work you put into them, I'm understanding him more too. Your eloquent explanations and well thought out content are superb! Thankyou so much.
My aspie becomes a primatologist phase happened in the 80s. Once learned neurochemistry, physiology and neurophysiology things made a lot more sense. Surprisingly the book The Tao of Pooh helped enormously. You’re doing a good thing
i have got autism and aspergers syndrome and i have a special interest which is music and being a musician and also sound engineering, but am trying to learn better social skills and people skills by watching your video to help me integrate in to the wider world. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR HELP !!!!!! :)
Thank you! for bringing light into many years and hours, minutes and moments, over analyzing people and their behaviour, and that so important question WHY. :) This video made me understand my curiosity over the years about emotional intelligence, or non verbal language, or how to express what you feel, or WHY do I feel drained suddenly with no extra social "bonus" or acting in my pockets? :) Cheers man, you just made a girl across the globe have major global view over her all life aspects :))
1. OBSERVER. Looking at other folk from the outside. 2. PARTICIPANT. Practising in real life. Trial and error learning. 3. SELF-AWARENESS. Beyond following your instincts. Knowing the why. Making sense of human behaviour by pattern-making. Seeing behind the behaviour ro what is underlying that behaviour.
Your channel is blowing my mind and helping me communicate with others the way that I've always felt inside! My parents struggle to understand that I am autistic, because I am a fairly emotionally intelligent person. However, much of this intelligence was learned through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and practiced through shitty minimum wage jobs. For example, I used to be paralyzed with fear whenever I entered a grocery store, because there were so many unspoken rules and land-mines (like running into old classmates, etc.). So, I decided to get a job at a grocery store. I quickly learned the rules of shopping, why things go places, how they get to the shelves, etc. Now, I find immense comfort in grocery stores! All that being said, the journey was far from simple. Best of luck to my autistic comrades; we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
Very interesting video for those who are looking to show some sort of emotion. Personally, I stopped caring many years ago. I am who I am, and if others have a problem with my lack of empathy, that's their problem.
I'm trying to get into learning emotional intelligence, my EQ is disastrously low. It's helpful to see that there are people who have been through this and you can learn emotional intelligence if you haven't been gifted with it, especially if it is one of your special interests!
It is one of my interests too! my life and mentality start to change when i studied life-coach and hypnoterapy, and now im expresing it so much more and discovering a new side of the human behavior with antropology and archeology. Awesome points! jajaj
I realize my whole entire childhood was a observation stage dude, I’ve never just understood things but I would watch my peers or any example really and try to mimic it. If you watch Naruto imagine me having Kakashi’s sharingan , I had to mirror everything almost in real time in order to survive my situation/ environment. Now that I I’ve mastered those things I had to learn how to use it specifically for certain situations since life is so unpredictable I can’t just copy and paste all my actions or I would seem insincere.
I just love your videos the hardest part is trying to get my 29 yr old son (Asperger/Autism) to watch them!! I will keep trying as I think the information that you provide in your videos is relevant for him to see how that you Paul have identified various areas of your Autism and that you have a passion to help others in their pursuit to get the maximum benefit from your Autism uniqueness and that Autistic people can excel and be the best person that they can be and have a happy and fulfilling quality of life...thank you again x
Hi. I am diagnosed as neurotypical. I work with some elementary aged students on the autism spectrum as a school social worker. I appreciate increasing my understanding through your point of view. I hope I can be more helpful with my students. .
This is a very good write up. It articulates how i kind of planned my life subconsciously. Instead for my "practice phase" I didn't get new hair (though I kind of did) I joined the Army. There, everything is laid out and structured and you follow the book to the T whether you like it or not -same as everyone else. It gave me a good template to begin relating to people better. I'm still working on my "theoretical framework," but I'm improving it all the time.
I started laugh cryi by because the part you explained of your childhood reminds me so much of mine and finally made me realize what I was doing as a kid. You really hit the nail on the head. I’m so emotional
I’ve learned a lot from my wife and daughter. It’s not easy but it is doable. Just need loving and patient people in your life who appreciate what you bring to the table.
You are able to analyze and understand the 'instincts' that a majority of people 'know' but can't see. That's a gift and a great advantage in some respects. Everybody starts enslaved (too harsh a word?) by their instincts. It may have been a hard lesson at a young age to realize yours were just different from others. But not everybody gets to step back and see their own instincts in a greater context. Many do go through that struggle and can appreciate the increased awareness that is it's reward. Another way your experience bridges many people in ways that might not be appreciated as much as it should.
It is so interesting for you to explain how you and others like you can see the world. And helps people like me undersstand more of how people with autism or Asperger's see the the world. I take fro granted that I can read body language, it is an effortless thing that my conscious part of my brain plays no part in, that you have to think about all that extra stuff. But at the same time being deaf, their is a lot of extra thought I have to put in just being able to hear, or try to hear. So I sort of have an idea, about how you feel.
Yeah, interesting to see there are some parallels to your experience. It's weird, but I often feel like I can communicate easier with deaf people. Maybe it's because I'm more visually aware than most and so we pick up on similar things?
Omg... I did the same thing. Dreadlocks and all. Its great seeing someone with autism that does the same thing. I thought I was alone. Many people talked down, hated, or straight up broke me over dreads. But at the same time, I did it for me. I want to try it. People responded as well as they did bad. Idk what to do with life. I attempt many things. This was a great video.
oh my god man. same as you!!! I made myself a theoretical framework formulated in maths called "the optimal action in a group of human" written in latex. since I have this framework, my emotion intelligence and social skills improved a lot !!! same graph as you (apart from the dreadlocks)
Glad I'm not the only asperger that used to people watch. I used to love going to the food court at the mall to watch people & try to predict what they were doing, when I was a kid.
Wow, this is good! Seriously helpful. I try to support my autistic son to converse ‘attentively’ in things of mutual interests & it didn’t occur to me to explain why. For eg., I recommend to him to look at someone’s forehead/chin when eye contact is a struggle. But I had no idea he needed to be told, why (that it’s because people would assume that he has disengaged, if his eyes were floated elsewhere). Thanks. 🙏😊
Thank you for making these videos. I don't have a diagnosis but relate to so many of your explanations. The 'why am I doing this' issue - yes, I can't take on board a new skill without understanding why. Often makes it so difficult with health professionals and teachers who want me to action some plan of theirs for my kids without knowing the rationale. Now I know I'm not just being awkward!
Thank you so much for these videos! All of your information is structured so well and easy to follow. I especially liked your emotional framework model. I like the to understand the reasoning behind why people do certain things and group things into patterns as well. I didn’t know that was a type of thinking pattern. Thank you!
Hi I just wanted to say that your videos have really helped me, many people never view me as autistic because I act so “normal”. This has really helped.
Thank you so very much for your videos. I just wanted to let you know how very helpful they are. I really do appreciate you taking the time and effort and work to put these together.
Thank you this is so important to know how to react to situations according to the protocol. Sometimes it is very difficult just being ourselves. Thank You for being you ☺️
Paul, this nice material. Three years ago he provided lots of information on emotional intelligence lol I didn't have it then, I still don't have it now.
I learn by theory and I don't have an emotional or intuitive understanding of other people but I do have an intellectual understanding and it is very much easier for me to conceptualize what a person might be going through because of it and then frame responses accordingly (eg a + b = c; or: when a person is stressed + bad work day = wanting to simply vent therefore i don't say anything and just appear to listen). Everything has its own internal logic same with emotions and empathy.
R.N. Des I thought I was the only one who did this! I use this and two other techniques: 1. I memorized social scripts 2. I became really good at asking clarification and information questions. But of course, all of this is work and takes energy. So in many situations the NT's are chilling & recharging. While I'm actually working. When the chilling/recharging time is done, they're all ready to go whereas I need to go and START my recharge process. As you might guess, the fact that I'm doing extra work is NEVER acknowledged.
Omg this is so relatable especially the dreadlock story I'm still struggling socially tho cos I still overthink and go with how I think ppl want me to react
I’ve found an incredible correlation between “neuro-divergent” thinking - and the theory, application, and practice in the philosophy foundation of stoicism.
Thank you for creating a bridge between ASD and NT. The thing I am struggling with most as a NT is the cause and effect. My sister, father and sometimes boyfriend are on the spectrum. They can’t see how their actions create reactions. I don’t know to explain it. And when I try to, more specifically with my boyfriend, it is always my fault. I think the thing NTs pick up the fastest is cause and effect. My ASD sister will wait until the very last minute to go to the airport (time management) and when she gets there too late she blames the parking, the transit bus, the rules and the airline attendant. She is not mean spirited. She just does’t put her actions into the equation. And this is just one example. She does it time and time again, its like there is one standard for her and another for everyone else. It’s not conscious, she just forgets to put her actions into the equation. She feels ganged up on. The rest of us just see that are were responsible, as in the airport example, and even if it’s harsh we all try to make it thru. My boyfriend does the same within our relationship. It feels hurtful because it feels like a double standard. But again it’s as if they don’t add their actions into the equation so the data, so to speak, is off. I obviously have a lot of love for these people but it is a bit frustrating to always say well, they are special, and there is nothing I can do. I like how you say we NTs need to explain the why. I don’t know if it will work but it’s worth a try. Great video, thank you. If you can do a video on your experience with cause and effect and how to get an aspie to own their part I would LOVE IT!
Listen, your sister and anyone aspie or not, needs to be EDUCATED about the fact that they are wrong managing their actions, be extremely detailed describing step-by-step what they are doing wrong and that is why they are getting such unwanted results. Again, whether you are an aspie or not, if your actions are wrong and then you blame it on whatever excuses you want, you are wrong and you should be Corrected for the sake of everyone. And by lecturing ANY person about how their wrongly managed actions are causing problems not only to them but to more people as well, you will help them to improve their lives and definitely make life easier for everyone. Just because in your mind/universe you perceive differently the world, that does not entitle you to be unconsidered with the rest of the world. I am not an asperger person but I demand assertiveness to EVERYONE to avoid misunderstandings and false hopes that will end up in heartaches, headaches and wasting time and money. And don't fall for the label of being asperger they need to be addressed carefully, sugar-coating things is exactly how they get lost and do not understand. Learn how to be assertive and demand assertiveness from others, the entire humanity will be a better place.
File cabnet thing and learning experiences and pattern thinking/learning is 1000000% me. I'm also interested in the subtle social things in people and how all of it interconnects. Great channel, I've finally met someone else like me. If that was all I got it would be still so worth it. Glad I clicked on you! :) God bless.
Great to hear! There's a free webinar this weekend which is a good intro and then the course itself starts in 2 weeks. Details of both here: emotionsexplained.com.au/courses.html
@@maidende8280 It kinda evolved. Started out as rubber ducky, then ducky rubber, then at some point I added the tiger for some reason or another. Why are you so interested in my name?
Okay, if I didn't know before, this video definitely confirms that I'm on the spectrum. I really love that you make flow charts for emotions and interactions. 😂
Really good to see this intelligent guy learn about learning. Bottom line, he had to research & personally invest in this journey, and he had to trust where he was heading. See my other comments below which might also be helpful.
You are wonderful....sharing this information, explaining your journey and discoveries is remarkably generous. Deep appreciation, from one aspie to another....thank you.
Thank you so much for your videos!! I jus discover you and already jumping into the Emotional Intelligence course. I feel I can see some light now.. All this info means sooo much to me. Thanks!
So helpful it’s unreal. You described me EXACTLY!! I only learn by fitting things into working models, wholes. I couldn’t learn multiplication or anything automatically or by rote. Now, my brain is amazingly like a translator “Rosetta Stone” of the universe. 😂👍🏻 it’s just that I couldn’t let it be useful at earlier stages because I wasn’t done. It’s like Einstein not speaking until he was older. I think it’s also the reason that autistic people don’t “prune” their neural connections early on like other people do. We don’t want a niche, or to just get by, we really need to understand in an operant way that is generative. Working models of reality: what’s it all about. I used to tell my ex wife that her social skills which she took for granted were amazing to me. ❤️
My wife turned me into an ex. Life is one disaster after the next. Only reason I can think of or see, is entitlement greed. Just another loss, but it is hard.
There was a fantastic episode of the big bang theory where Sheldon Cooper tries to find the formula for making friends. This video just reminds me of that and reminds me of myself. Im just watching your videos and just laughing at myself (it's better that crying or getting depression, which I have done quiet a bit over the course of my life).
AAAAA THIS IS SO ME XD Especially the dreadlock thing. I kinda crashed tho around 21 and came back 26. Kinda felt like I was just poorly imitating before and had to redefine everything as a thing.
Hi Paul! Loving your videos. I'm a NT who newly works in school nursing and comes across many kids experiencing difficulties, who haven't had diagnosis of ASD. So I'm doing my own research.....and learning so much thanks to videos like yours. Personally I've had 2 long distance dates with a guy who I believe to be an aspie who I met online. I haven't broached the subject as it's early days.....but feel I have to. I'm just a bit concerned that he may be offended if i ask.....if he hasn't had a diagnosis yet. But to me his traits are glaringly obvious. So Paul....fingers crossed and I'll see how it goes !!
I'm also big pattern thinker. I see everything as being related to something else. In my head though, I think of it more like a map with a bunch of pathways. I tie everything together and I also like to try to see how many different ways I can use any new piece of information that I learn.
Thank you. Gives me some hope. I've started to wonder if I should just be myself no matter how odd it comes across and let the chips fall where they always fall. Accept things as they are. I haven't because I still have hope, and I still see value in these things I just can't seem to get.
Emotional intelligence is important for anyone; reflection on ones own behaviour and response to others is difficult for aspies. Adults who have been coping for years without the knowledge of being on the spectrum have for years developed patterns of behaviour and response that are hard to change or they may see no need to change. It is difficult for adults on the spectrum to learn new methods of coping when they have used emotionalism often inappropriate or intimidating to others , to express themselves, to express their frustrations or to cope as they can not think the situation through. Those around them, spouses, family members co workers then avoid the topic , the situationor even the Aspie . Emotional outbursts or inappropriate behaviour become a passive aggressive way of the undiagnosed Aspie to control the situation, avoid the situation and shut the other person down. The lack of emotional intelligence or the inability to recognize this in oneself sets real barriers to communication and enjoyment of life for the Aspie and is the real barrier to enjoying healthy relationships.
I have friends and I talk to people but I still feel like I'm missing out on quite a bit of EQ. For instance in dating I have no clue what I'm doing. And I can't really stop myself from thinking too much either.
I am applying for a job that requires emotional intelligence. I am a female with autism but I can't mask it as well as I would like to. Trying to find a job has been hell. I don't want the employers to know about my condition or they won't even consider me. I really need this job, the main focus of the job is not a high EQ but it does call for it. I am expecting a skype interview soon, how can I fake emotional intelligence and improve my verbal communication skills. Any advice will be appreciated.
Hi Carl, Very Nice speech that you gave. I am Bhargav R Ranganath, from Bangalore, India. Can you tell me how the flowchart works? I was not able to understand.
First, thank you. I have been YT surfing trying to figure me out... I've only been aware of my spectrum venue a very short time... Considering my age. Not that that should be concerning... It's seems most folks have figured out they are on the spectrum by the time they are 30 something... I've always been late, or takes time for jokes to set in etc.🙃. Everything is a learning curve into left field and the information I am trying to glean from your stuff is taking time but it is sinking in. And I appreciate you taking the time with the analogies. Yeah, I get them... Did you know at 16-17 y/o that you were on the spectrum (probably wasn't called that) In time I would like to make sure I get through all your works... 😎🐝
This is a bit long but I need your advice on or some links that can help me get a handle on this (feel like it would really help me): My biggest issue right now is actually due to a fake personality I seem to have automatically emulated/created when I was going to college. Throughout school I never learned how to fit in and was always a loner or outcast, so once I realized all the benefits of being social, I just started to act like an character that I really liked, because it made acting social in situations far easier. Like, as embarrassing as it is to say, deadpool. The personality itself isn't an exact copy of the character, but a lot of the social traits I observed stuck together, and that's the character the personality most likely resembles. Not the greatest role model I'm aware, but I was only trying to emulate his social abilities which are leagues above mine. And to be honest, I sorta liked it. So I more so copied it than anything. My social life did improve to some extent, and that's kind of why I kept at it. However, now within my late 20's I've noticed a few unfortunate patterns... wherein it seems the root cause of these issues stem from my emulated extroverted personality. I've just realized, via my brother, that I'm actually not as good at social conversations as I thought I was. It definitely opened my eyes, and helped me see how the illusion that I put up is actually a damper on my life. There were warning signs before of course, such as through work. I noticed that people never liked me as much, but when I asked others why, I never got an answer. It must have been because I never showed my true self. But why do I not show my true self? Because I'm sort of... well there's no easy way to put this... a cynical bastard to some extent. When I'm not that I'm more serious, cold, and monotone. I care about people yes, but I'm still sarcastic (not very good but passable at it) and cynical, and don't show that care as much. So yeah... kind of the polar opposite from my illusory fake personality. But anyway, I learned that even with the mask, or illusion, I'm still bad at talking to people, even if I do put myself out there more (which is brave enough in the first place) to talk to others. I'm still bad across the board (idiom alert) at talking to people I'm attracted to though. My other issue, as is probably pretty self-explanatory, is explaining to much. And still another would be that if I ever am to talk to others I seem to subconsciously or automatically link/compare certain things that the other is talking about to events that are or were part of my own life, which usually ends up in me talking about myself too much... or instead I'll link the event or thing someone is talking about to Social Patterns, which sort of like you, is something I'm highly interested in. But nothing bores a woman more than talking about historical events, political trends outside and within the white house, psychological intricacies and sociological behavior through history due to psychological imprints and historical events... unfortunately.
Hey Paul, I just want to say thanks for sharing. In my “book”, you’re accepted. Not that my “book” is of any great importance or anything. (The English language makes concepts seem like other concepts sometimes so my message there came out wrong but I think you know what I was attempting to convey) anyways ! It’s wonderful connecting to someone and it only seems to happen when you’re operating on same frequency or rather in the same realm. I’m pretty much solo where I’m at currently. 38 and live in Small town of less than 200 people ! So go figure... it is so difficult everyday just to start the day sometimes, but we gotta keep at it, thank goodness for the drive, eh? And thanks to ones like you sharing and making it known openly that there is others out there in like conditions and one is not as alone as they think they are ? It helps that drive. Hope That makes sense. Do you have any recommendations or advice on how someone would connect with people who are on the same level when you live in such small town? (Please don’t just say “online”... specifics would be appreciated, that is only if you have any suggestions) thanks for everything you do
Some people could find the idea of discovering traits of autism in themselves horrifying. I find it liberating...
Ludmila Marešová I agree with you, I was sure if I was weird or what, cause I love love to be alone, I don’t even care if anyone’s around me, once they diagnosed my daughter, well I ignored them at first, they told me again three months later, and said she probably got it from me, I was terrified, but once I learned the traits, it nailed me, and I finally knew why both of us was like we were and it was okay with me, it nailed me for my skills and behaviors, the weird things I had done for years, and got made fun of, my in laws made fun of me all the time, peculiar was what they called me, but I always had a thought that they were not very smart, so haha on them, I’m not peculiar because I’m quiet and like to be at home with my kids, and because I love Bach and other beautiful musicians, I’m not weird period, haha I’m actually smarter than all of them, and now that I divorced their son, I went on and now have a nicer home than any of them and they can’t control me anymore, I’m okay how I am, acceptance of these traits are very freeing just in itself, I’m glad I have Aspergers.
I cried I was so relieved! I knew nothing about autism besides "you would have been diagnosed as a child"
Yep.... completely liberating and definitely a relief to be able to find information.
When you accept it and use that acceptance of it to reprogram the bad emotional and physical aspects of aspbergers. Yes it can be liberating. Using it as an excuse for XYZ though is not libetation
well autism. that is just me. whether I call it autism or whatever wont change who I am but knowing who I am is liberating
I'm gonna binge watch Aspie channels today, because my social limitations are really getting to me
Thanks for saying this I am also doing this I think
There is hope
Why
Same
After having an autistic mother and an autistic partner, the most important thing I can tell you is be willing to learn and care about the feelings of others. The thing I see the most in the two autistics in my life is narcissism. Do the opposite of that!
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 10 years. It caused me to completely shut down my emotions, and protect myself from my own empathy.
When that codependent relationship ended I suddenly realized that I was about to lose my only link to my friends (my ex). So I basically said 'it's now or never" and got my couple friends in a group chat and just poured my heart out to them. I was so vulnerable it was terrifying. They talked with me and comforted me, and helped me figure some stuff out about myself. In doing so we all became much closer, and I can now proudly say I've been able to comfort them in their times of need! Previously I could not have done that. I learned emotional intelligence from my caring friends. I'm so grateful.
I experienced shutting down in a long-term relationship too, to 'protect myself from my own empathy'. I think the way you went about resolving issues around losing shared friends was brilliant! When in doubt and if at all possible, use the direct approach.Yes! Good for you.
I am incredibly grateful for your content. My husband and son were both identified as having Aspergers two years ago. You have helped me understand how they see the world. These videos have been an asset to my marriage and the parenting of my son. I hope to be a patron of yours someday. Thank you!
OMG you're literally my mother. LOL
3:30 the kindergarten story. It’s about hierarchies and their function in society. All the other kids instinctively knew to watch the teacher for their cues because she held the highest social status for the situation you were all in. You a) didn’t understand this, and b) had the distractions of the room (and other children) to deal with.
I think this part about the "why's" is huge.... I think it's fundamental. I think it even affects how we take in new information. I also think that it is a factor in Tree --> Forest thinking. We need to know all about each tree!
What would be really useful is if someone made a database of various social pragmatics, the reasoning behind them and examples of use for us to study to.
It would make it so much easier for us to interact with society in a productive way.
This is fascinating - I’ve done the same thing myself, same stages. My first transition happened at 16, maybe earlier because I’m female. It all really boils down to the fact that we are wired & function differently on a fundamental level, but we learn very very quickly if we can learn the right way to do something.
‘My brain is a giant filing cabinet’ & ‘I need to understand WHY’ - 100% resonate! I love all your charts too.
OMG!!!!
It's like a thousand light bulb moments were going off during this video.
Only just discovered you and watched maybe 2 or 3 videos so will now subscribe and binge watch your channel.
When you was describing the observation stage I can so relate, especially when you also try to learn intellectually how to socialise. I just had vision of you sitting there dressed like an explorer with a clipboard and binoculars studying a newly discovered species.
I spent a huge amount of my life, especially at the school playground obsessively studying/observing these strange beings we call "humans" like I wasn't human myself. I've heard other aspies describe feeling like an "alien" or otherwise "not like other humans"
Great video!
Also needing to know the WHY is so relatable.
Thanks for your videos. It's such a myth that people on the spectrum have 'no' emotions. Sometimes I wonder if we actually have more emotions than NT's, but that we deal with our emotions differently. Yet at the same time, I see a very strong logical bent to our thinking. This outlook on emotional situations through the lens of logic may be what makes us appear to not understand emotions or to even have emotions from the NT perspective. It seems like what WE think we appear as, or what WE perceive ourselves to be saying or meaning is often NOT what the NT world sees or understands. It's an almost total breakdown of communication between the two neurological set-ups (NT/ASD). Unfortunately, NT's historically are the ones setting the narrative. THEY decide what, who, and why WE act a certain way - THEY have defined US to the world and this is just not right. It's time NT's stop defining people on the spectrum by what NT's think we are, and have us all speak out in every way we can to let us tell the world who we really are.
I'm hoping more and more voices on the Spectrum can help NTs understand that their way is not the only way :)
As an aspie woman, I definitley have more emotions than NT's but it is basically like an overload of stimulation from feeling too much and it causes me to withdraw and also, how I feel and how people see us (on the outside) are very different things. We just like to understand everything, as you said and just because we don't outwardly express it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I love our Neuro diverse community. So supportive and loving and accepting of each other!
Nobody seriously said, AS people have no or less emotions. That is Alexithymia. Read this, Geoffery Bird paper, called Autism and Alexithymia .. put that title and guys name in search and find paper that makes what am saying very clear. Very good news for Aspies.
@@nickglover9007 well. A person w AS told me he has no emotional reaction. It lasts a few minutes then stops.
Iam not sure we aspies need to change to NTs, we bring in new perspective that direct this world to a better direction, just like we are individuals so we should not be working as robots, treated as robots etc, also we bring humanity closer to nature, animals, science. We are growing in number so soon it will be clearer all the good things we can enlighten.
People say we don't have feelings. I feel we feel strongly. It's debilitating.
I also have other mental health struggles. But I'm just so tortured at the moment. My past. My present. My fear of the future. Being bored. Feeling alone.
So vulnerable to loss. Yet it happens so easy. Why does loss's effect take so long to get past? I'm afraid to go out in the world, so easily taken advantage of. Supposedly my gender can't be that. Nothing to help.
The "you can't take it with you" seems to make trying not worth it. I'm lost
I feel in my heart my husband is asperger's and I'm just really learning how listening to you.i felt alot of yrs of feeling rejected by him cuz I didnt understand his thought process. So now I feel I'm at least underestimating the why?and it's a big step of forgiving him.cuz he had no clue.
Thxs love your videos. Keep up the excellent work.im sure it's so helpful .it sure is to me.
I call my brain the Rolodex, and am just now seeing my life’s events and struggles make sense, and can’t begin to describe the relief and understanding I get from watching your videos ☺️ Thank you
Wow, I've called such moments "the Rolodex" too, when a whole array of flash moments of memory fire off - as a "place to put that" or solution comes to awareness.
I've never had a problem with something as simple as saying "hello" to someone when they say it to me, that's a pretty easy social thing to learn, my problem is more like I think I've completely mastered "greetings" by only every saying a single phrase to everybody I meet, every single time I meet them. Or I just parrot whatever greeting they use, which people definitely think is weird. Also keeping conversations going isn't hard because I can't relate to the person, it's because my brain simply has zero interest in what the person is saying and expending any energy to generate interest is absolutely draining. My desire to be polite might be at 100% but if I have low energy it is simply impossible.
Your content is gold, Paul. Emotional intelligence is very possible, in fact it should be taught in elementary school regardless if we're NT or Neurodiverse. Emotions is what make us human, what connect us. We all feel. I've learned to process and liberate these feelings that have been in me for decades that manifested in physical and psychological disorders. Some autistics went through trauma and abuse and ended up being vilified. Most people think that those on the spectrum are emotionless, how wrong are they. Emotional intelligence is so very important and thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
Coming back to this video after years feels insane. It instantly gave me peace of mind during a really tough few years. The overall message turned out to be true, things are looking up. Thanks for the video
The differences in how you perceived yourself from normal to dreadlocks, reminds me of when I started listening to heavy metal music, MetallicA, PanterA and so on, I couldn't grow my hair out, but I looked just like a heavy guy, people went from thinking I was boring, to thinking I was insane, which in a strange way boosted my ego, compared to their usual insults. But I still dress that way because what I realized is that was where I developed my own sense of purpose and identity; and I no longer cared what people thought about me. Great video man, I could relate to every word you spoke.
You finally gave me a way to explain what I mean by "I think in math". People are so afraid of math that it's not as helpful as it could be. I'm not some math genius. It's that understanding that everything connects in a measurable and predictable way. It's a comforting thought to me but I don't get opportunities to share that comfort.
I used to have the "why do I have to do what everyone else is doing?" mentality too and I actively rebelled against learning social skills... now I realize that social skills are vital to success whether you like it or not. Also, you were in kindergarten when you were 3!?
Is that abnormal?
Are you American? 🤔
@@Zeverinsen I am American lol here kindergarten starts at age 5-6, anything before that is preschool. I guess things are different in other places, I just thought he was really really smart lol
@@MatthewC33199 In Australia (at least when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s) children would go to kindergarten the year they turned 4, followed by preschool the year they turned 5 and finally grade 1 the year they turned 6. HTH
For me the way to understand was to think: ok, we are decendents of monkeys with cavemen brains. So all the social behaviours can be explained in this context.
For example:
in school i realized that all the alpha males have a group of semi alphas to confirm and mantain his power. In return, de semi alphas would have a share of his status and power. How he gets the power? By showing force against the weaker - bullying in a nutshell. ( same in work places ) So, you dont have to fight them, just show that u are not a easy prey, and they will jump to another victim.
Another example: i live in a really violent country, so i got assalted more than 9 times ( i walked with my head down and low shoulders) .. since i started adopting a more "confident posture" (head up, back strait, closed lips and loking to a point in front of me and showing no emotion ) the assalts stoped!
Seens crazy but a lot of our body language afects the subconcious. ( see in elevators, people are aways looking down - for primates, looking in the eye of a stranger is a agressive berravior )
Making this kind of observations, made easy (less hard) for me to know what to say/what to do in the right context.
OMG thats exactly the way I learned social behaviour during puberty! I read books and looked at the people the way other primatologists look at monkeys. I consider myself to be a grown female ape.
@@miriyumyum3590 same here ☺😉
I'm O neg blood type. No RH from monkey. Neanderthal I guess. No one knows where they came from. Maybe I'm different because I am, bigfoot maybe can relate with me.
@@petemorton8403 maybe from the giants or denisovans. No doubt were far more special than the propaganda has washed into the majority of minds.
Personally I'd say u were 1 closer step to the ancient builders than the rest of us are currently ;)
You are gold. Thank you so much for being transparent, vulnerable, and sharing your Aspergers experience and insight with the world. Your work helps me to understand my husband and son better. Thank you.
One thing I've realised is that I have intense emotional responses to things. I don't just get upset, my heart actually feels like its breaking. I get so angry over seemingly minor things that others would not get upset about and I stay upset because I don't know what to do when my feelings get hurt. It can take a lot of positive experiences to erase one negative one. I also can recall exactly what happened and what was said days, months and in some cases years after things happened as if it just happened so I can be thrown right back into something emotionally if I'm triggered. I can't regulate it. It's horrible when it happens. I used to think melt downs were temper tantrums but have come to realising that my crying (I cry when I'm sad, hurt and angry) is my form of a meltdown. It's really dumb because it sabotages me. Anyway, I'm still learning and I look forward to hearing more about your course. Wondering if you think that guys are really that different from girl Aspies and whether the stereotypes are correct about male/females. One man I know identifies more strongly with what they classically say are male Asperger's traits and I feel I have more male like traits. I keep wondering about the whole androgenous thing and thinking that might have something to do with it. Thoughts?
Large emotional reactions are common for those of us who are super sensitive. You might be more reactive than most but you can still learn to manage those reactions after they occur so that they don't sabotage you (as much) down the track.
I don't believe stereotypes exist as anything more than a statistical bias. There are many statistical (i.e. common) differences between men and women.
The course starts this weekend. There is also a free introductory webinar the day before the course starts - for people who want to try before you buy. www.eventbrite.com.au/o/emotions-explained-16454088977
As a NT. Of course women are different from men emotionally.
Thank you for sharing that, because you have just described me to a T with the melt downs. It's like the emotions explode into crying fits and I have to take myself to a 'safe place' inside of myself to analyse and figure out what's going on and why, so that I can heal myself again (if that makes sense). I can't have people around me while I'm going through the process because I feel that they don't understand the process and my way of thinking.
Hi I am a pastoral counselor. It sounds as if you have Emotional Disregulation rather than being on the autism spectrum. You can look that up on RUclips. Also DBT skills can help you learn to regulate your emotions. God bless!
OMG THANKYOU so much for writing this, its so ME literally word for word, i took a screenshot!
Totally binge watching today! Thank you Paul for sharing your stories and knowledge with us!
Totally agree that while we do learn throughout our journey we will always continue to learn. Learning everything is not possible or realistic - the journey is continuous.
After learning so much over many years and getting hurt physically and now deal with chronic pain on top of everything else, I really realized that I needed to update and gain new skills.
This is where many hours of CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, and Better Sleep classes have really helped (thankfully offered through my local healthcare). You are correct in where you need an interactive environment to really teach these concepts and allow for questioning. Learning from people who have a similar diagnosis is super beneficial and I hope people really appreciate what you are doing!!
And OMG a pattern thinker...yes!! And the why questioning...yes!! Really can relate to that. Love all your charts as you are speaking my language!!
BTW, kudos to you for your journey from struggling with EQ to actually teaching a course on EQ! Well done, sir.
Thanks Joey!
I ditto Joey. And thank you again for sharing from your perspective. So valuable and interesting and enriching for me right now. Expanding my horizons, giving me more insight and compassion and appreciation. Even helped this evening in talking with my young neighbor who I care about a lot. I’m feeling more and more that she may well be on the spectrum/Aspie ... listening, accepting, trying to understand without assuming I do, not having to understand it all...
I had also such radical change, it happened around when I was 13 years old. Since then I became pro at understanding social basics and replicate them even though logically certain social behaviour didn't make sense.
Great video! I see my little boy struggling with exactly this. He craves interaction with his peers, but only wants to play things his way. Strangely in his case, because he is a crazy and wild kid, hes actually really popular with the other children, because he's exciting. However, he always goes that little bit too far and the other children end up crying or getting told off for copying him! I'm hoping that as time goes on he figures it all out, and I this upload has given me a little hope.
As always..... thankyou.
You're welcome! Glad you find it helpful. I have no doubt your son will continue to learn new and better ways to interact with others :)
He's getting there...... and thanks to your videos and the hard work you put into them, I'm understanding him more too. Your eloquent explanations and well thought out content are superb! Thankyou so much.
My aspie becomes a primatologist phase happened in the 80s. Once learned neurochemistry, physiology and neurophysiology things made a lot more sense. Surprisingly the book The Tao of Pooh helped enormously.
You’re doing a good thing
i have got autism and aspergers syndrome and i have a special interest which is music and being a musician and also sound engineering, but am trying to learn better social skills and people skills by watching your video to help me integrate in to the wider world. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR HELP !!!!!! :)
Thank you! for bringing light into many years and hours, minutes and moments, over analyzing people and their behaviour, and that so important question WHY. :) This video made me understand my curiosity over the years about emotional intelligence, or non verbal language, or how to express what you feel, or WHY do I feel drained suddenly with no extra social "bonus" or acting in my pockets? :) Cheers man, you just made a girl across the globe have major global view over her all life aspects :))
good to hear! Thanks for the comment :)
1. OBSERVER. Looking at other folk from the outside.
2. PARTICIPANT. Practising in real life. Trial and error learning.
3. SELF-AWARENESS. Beyond following your instincts. Knowing the why. Making sense of human behaviour by pattern-making. Seeing behind the behaviour ro what is underlying that behaviour.
Your channel is blowing my mind and helping me communicate with others the way that I've always felt inside! My parents struggle to understand that I am autistic, because I am a fairly emotionally intelligent person. However, much of this intelligence was learned through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and practiced through shitty minimum wage jobs. For example, I used to be paralyzed with fear whenever I entered a grocery store, because there were so many unspoken rules and land-mines (like running into old classmates, etc.). So, I decided to get a job at a grocery store. I quickly learned the rules of shopping, why things go places, how they get to the shelves, etc. Now, I find immense comfort in grocery stores! All that being said, the journey was far from simple. Best of luck to my autistic comrades; we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
Very interesting video for those who are looking to show some sort of emotion. Personally, I stopped caring many years ago. I am who I am, and if others have a problem with my lack of empathy, that's their problem.
I'm trying to get into learning emotional intelligence, my EQ is disastrously low. It's helpful to see that there are people who have been through this and you can learn emotional intelligence if you haven't been gifted with it, especially if it is one of your special interests!
It is one of my interests too! my life and mentality start to change when i studied life-coach and hypnoterapy, and now im expresing it so much more and discovering a new side of the human behavior with antropology and archeology. Awesome points! jajaj
I love seeing Paul make breakthroughs
I can feel his joy !
I realize my whole entire childhood was a observation stage dude, I’ve never just understood things but I would watch my peers or any example really and try to mimic it. If you watch Naruto imagine me having Kakashi’s sharingan , I had to mirror everything almost in real time in order to survive my situation/ environment. Now that I I’ve mastered those things I had to learn how to use it specifically for certain situations since life is so unpredictable I can’t just copy and paste all my actions or I would seem insincere.
This is so helpfull! A friend of mine has asperger’s and I’m trying to understand him better. So that we can become better friends. I love you Bye :)
good to hear it :)
I just love your videos the hardest part is trying to get my 29 yr old son (Asperger/Autism) to watch them!! I will keep trying as I think the information that you provide in your videos is relevant for him to see how that you Paul have identified various areas of your Autism and that you have a passion to help others in their pursuit to get the maximum benefit from your Autism uniqueness and that Autistic people can excel and be the best person that they can be and have a happy and fulfilling quality of life...thank you again x
Hi. I am diagnosed as neurotypical. I work with some elementary aged students on the autism spectrum as a school social worker. I appreciate increasing my understanding through your point of view. I hope I can be more helpful with my students. .
That Male Lion portrait in the background looks EPIC!
This is a very good write up. It articulates how i kind of planned my life subconsciously. Instead for my "practice phase" I didn't get new hair (though I kind of did) I joined the Army. There, everything is laid out and structured and you follow the book to the T whether you like it or not -same as everyone else. It gave me a good template to begin relating to people better. I'm still working on my "theoretical framework," but I'm improving it all the time.
Well done. Thanks for sharing. So many similar experiences.
I started laugh cryi by because the part you explained of your childhood reminds me so much of mine and finally made me realize what I was doing as a kid. You really hit the nail on the head. I’m so emotional
I’ve learned a lot from my wife and daughter. It’s not easy but it is doable. Just need loving and patient people in your life who appreciate what you bring to the table.
How I learned emotional intelligence!!!: "PRACTISE & go to my website for more info."
Exactly, what's the theory?
You are able to analyze and understand the 'instincts' that a majority of people 'know' but can't see. That's a gift and a great advantage in some respects.
Everybody starts enslaved (too harsh a word?) by their instincts. It may have been a hard lesson at a young age to realize yours were just different from others. But not everybody gets to step back and see their own instincts in a greater context.
Many do go through that struggle and can appreciate the increased awareness that is it's reward. Another way your experience bridges many people in ways that might not be appreciated as much as it should.
Cool, thanks for the video on phases of your journey. Thanks also for all the links in the notes.
It is so interesting for you to explain how you and others like you can see the world. And helps people like me undersstand more of how people with autism or Asperger's see the the world. I take fro granted that I can read body language, it is an effortless thing that my conscious part of my brain plays no part in, that you have to think about all that extra stuff. But at the same time being deaf, their is a lot of extra thought I have to put in just being able to hear, or try to hear. So I sort of have an idea, about how you feel.
Yeah, interesting to see there are some parallels to your experience. It's weird, but I often feel like I can communicate easier with deaf people. Maybe it's because I'm more visually aware than most and so we pick up on similar things?
This is exactly how I did it too. Thanks for the validation 💛🤓
Omg... I did the same thing. Dreadlocks and all. Its great seeing someone with autism that does the same thing. I thought I was alone. Many people talked down, hated, or straight up broke me over dreads. But at the same time, I did it for me. I want to try it. People responded as well as they did bad. Idk what to do with life. I attempt many things. This was a great video.
i so agree. after getting therapy I've been understanding this recently and it felt like the greatest release I've ever felt.
Best of luck. What you are offering is wonderful.
"Yes, I am an engineer. Yes, I like graphing stuff." 😂😂😂
oh my god man. same as you!!! I made myself a theoretical framework formulated in maths called "the optimal action in a group of human" written in latex. since I have this framework, my emotion intelligence and social skills improved a lot !!! same graph as you (apart from the dreadlocks)
Thank you for explaining the pattern thinking way of learning wish I’d realised this is what I do years ago
Glad I'm not the only asperger that used to people watch. I used to love going to the food court at the mall to watch people & try to predict what they were doing, when I was a kid.
Wow, this is good! Seriously helpful. I try to support my autistic son to converse ‘attentively’ in things of mutual interests & it didn’t occur to me to explain why. For eg., I recommend to him to look at someone’s forehead/chin when eye contact is a struggle. But I had no idea he needed to be told, why (that it’s because people would assume that he has disengaged, if his eyes were floated elsewhere). Thanks. 🙏😊
Thank you for making these videos. I don't have a diagnosis but relate to so many of your explanations. The 'why am I doing this' issue - yes, I can't take on board a new skill without understanding why. Often makes it so difficult with health professionals and teachers who want me to action some plan of theirs for my kids without knowing the rationale. Now I know I'm not just being awkward!
Thank you so much for these videos! All of your information is structured so well and easy to follow. I especially liked your emotional framework model. I like the to understand the reasoning behind why people do certain things and group things into patterns as well. I didn’t know that was a type of thinking pattern. Thank you!
Hi I just wanted to say that your videos have really helped me, many people never view me as autistic because I act so “normal”. This has really helped.
Thank you so very much for your videos. I just wanted to let you know how very helpful they are. I really do appreciate you taking the time and effort and work to put these together.
Thank you this is so important to know how to react to situations according to the protocol. Sometimes it is very difficult just being ourselves. Thank You for being you ☺️
Paul, this nice material.
Three years ago he provided lots of information on emotional intelligence lol I didn't have it then, I still don't have it now.
Thank you, so much for this video. It's a struggle. It's more difficult. But it can be done.
On a similar topic, this book really helped me learn about the role of emotions in relationships : nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
I learn by theory and I don't have an emotional or intuitive understanding of other people but I do have an intellectual understanding and it is very much easier for me to conceptualize what a person might be going through because of it and then frame responses accordingly (eg a + b = c; or: when a person is stressed + bad work day = wanting to simply vent therefore i don't say anything and just appear to listen). Everything has its own internal logic same with emotions and empathy.
R.N. Des I thought I was the only one who did this! I use this and two other techniques: 1. I memorized social scripts 2. I became really good at asking clarification and information questions. But of course, all of this is work and takes energy. So in many situations the NT's are chilling & recharging. While I'm actually working. When the chilling/recharging time is done, they're all ready to go whereas I need to go and START my recharge process.
As you might guess, the fact that I'm doing extra work is NEVER acknowledged.
Omg this is so relatable especially the dreadlock story I'm still struggling socially tho cos I still overthink and go with how I think ppl want me to react
I’ve found an incredible correlation between “neuro-divergent” thinking - and the theory, application, and practice in the philosophy foundation of stoicism.
I've also found a certain fascination with stoicism at some point in my life. It's disregard to socially acceptable meaning of life resonated with me.
Thank you for creating a bridge between ASD and NT. The thing I am struggling with most as a NT is the cause and effect. My sister, father and sometimes boyfriend are on the spectrum. They can’t see how their actions create reactions. I don’t know to explain it. And when I try to, more specifically with my boyfriend, it is always my fault. I think the thing NTs pick up the fastest is cause and effect. My ASD sister will wait until the very last minute to go to the airport (time management) and when she gets there too late she blames the parking, the transit bus, the rules and the airline attendant. She is not mean spirited. She just does’t put her actions into the equation. And this is just one example. She does it time and time again, its like there is one standard for her and another for everyone else. It’s not conscious, she just forgets to put her actions into the equation. She feels ganged up on. The rest of us just see that are were responsible, as in the airport example, and even if it’s harsh we all try to make it thru. My boyfriend does the same within our relationship. It feels hurtful because it feels like a double standard. But again it’s as if they don’t add their actions into the equation so the data, so to speak, is off. I obviously have a lot of love for these people but it is a bit frustrating to always say well, they are special, and there is nothing I can do. I like how you say we NTs need to explain the why. I don’t know if it will work but it’s worth a try. Great video, thank you. If you can do a video on your experience with cause and effect and how to get an aspie to own their part I would LOVE IT!
Listen, your sister and anyone aspie or not, needs to be EDUCATED about the fact that they are wrong managing their actions, be extremely detailed describing step-by-step what they are doing wrong and that is why they are getting such unwanted results.
Again, whether you are an aspie or not, if your actions are wrong and then you blame it on whatever excuses you want, you are wrong and you should be Corrected for the sake of everyone.
And by lecturing ANY person about how their wrongly managed actions are causing problems not only to them but to more people as well, you will help them to improve their lives and definitely make life easier for everyone. Just because in your mind/universe you perceive differently the world, that does not entitle you to be unconsidered with the rest of the world.
I am not an asperger person but I demand assertiveness to EVERYONE to avoid misunderstandings and false hopes that will end up in heartaches, headaches and wasting time and money.
And don't fall for the label of being asperger they need to be addressed carefully, sugar-coating things is exactly how they get lost and do not understand.
Learn how to be assertive and demand assertiveness from others, the entire humanity will be a better place.
File cabnet thing and learning experiences and pattern thinking/learning is 1000000% me. I'm also interested in the subtle social things in people and how all of it interconnects. Great channel, I've finally met someone else like me. If that was all I got it would be still so worth it. Glad I clicked on you! :) God bless.
I would love to take your course! I just discovered your channel a couple hours ago, and wowie, I'm loving it! (Not to be confused with McDonald's)
Great to hear! There's a free webinar this weekend which is a good intro and then the course itself starts in 2 weeks.
Details of both here: emotionsexplained.com.au/courses.html
ah yes. go out among humans for an hour, go home and spend 2 hours trying to figure out what happened in that hour. basically my 20s
You’ve got to explain your user name to me (please!). Ducks rubber tiger?
@@maidende8280 yes, duck rubber tiger
@@entengummitiger1576 Why did you choose that? Is there any connection between them or was it just random?
@@maidende8280 It kinda evolved. Started out as rubber ducky, then ducky rubber, then at some point I added the tiger for some reason or another. Why are you so interested in my name?
@@entengummitiger1576 Ahhh ofc, rubber ducky. It just seemed random and I’m half German so it caught my eye I guess.
Okay, if I didn't know before, this video definitely confirms that I'm on the spectrum. I really love that you make flow charts for emotions and interactions. 😂
Really good to see this intelligent guy learn about learning. Bottom line, he had to research & personally invest in this journey, and he had to trust where he was heading. See my other comments below which might also be helpful.
Wow this is amazing! I really love your channel and it has helped me in so many levels! Thank you!
You are wonderful....sharing this information, explaining your journey and discoveries is remarkably generous.
Deep appreciation, from one aspie to another....thank you.
Thank you so much for your videos!! I jus discover you and already jumping into the Emotional Intelligence course. I feel I can see some light now.. All this info means sooo much to me. Thanks!
You're welcome! Glad you find it helpful! How exciting that you'll be joining us on the course! :)
So helpful it’s unreal. You described me EXACTLY!! I only learn by fitting things into working models, wholes. I couldn’t learn multiplication or anything automatically or by rote. Now, my brain is amazingly like a translator “Rosetta Stone” of the universe. 😂👍🏻 it’s just that I couldn’t let it be useful at earlier stages because I wasn’t done. It’s like Einstein not speaking until he was older. I think it’s also the reason that autistic people don’t “prune” their neural connections early on like other people do. We don’t want a niche, or to just get by, we really need to understand in an operant way that is generative. Working models of reality: what’s it all about.
I used to tell my ex wife that her social skills which she took for granted were amazing to me. ❤️
My wife turned me into an ex. Life is one disaster after the next. Only reason I can think of or see, is entitlement greed. Just another loss, but it is hard.
Very interesting. Thank you for these explanations 👍
I'm not autistic but I have met people who are and this helps me better understand with my own interaction and communication when I meet them.
Bewildered with clarity Bravo
Course sounds great... So glad you are running a course for other Aspies.
When I lead any group I learn a lot too... 😀
There was a fantastic episode of the big bang theory where Sheldon Cooper tries to find the formula for making friends.
This video just reminds me of that and reminds me of myself.
Im just watching your videos and just laughing at myself (it's better that crying or getting depression, which I have done quiet a bit over the course of my life).
AAAAA THIS IS SO ME XD Especially the dreadlock thing. I kinda crashed tho around 21 and came back 26. Kinda felt like I was just poorly imitating before and had to redefine everything as a thing.
Hi Paul!
Loving your videos. I'm a NT who newly works in school nursing and comes across many kids experiencing difficulties, who haven't had diagnosis of ASD. So I'm doing my own research.....and learning so much thanks to videos like yours. Personally I've had 2 long distance dates with a guy who I believe to be an aspie who I met online. I haven't broached the subject as it's early days.....but feel I have to. I'm just a bit concerned that he may be offended if i ask.....if he hasn't had a diagnosis yet. But to me his traits are glaringly obvious. So Paul....fingers crossed and I'll see how it goes !!
Thanks Lesley! Good luck! :)
I'm also big pattern thinker. I see everything as being related to something else. In my head though, I think of it more like a map with a bunch of pathways. I tie everything together and I also like to try to see how many different ways I can use any new piece of information that I learn.
from watching your videos online i think if we ever met we would be the best of friends
Thank you. Gives me some hope. I've started to wonder if I should just be myself no matter how odd it comes across and let the chips fall where they always fall. Accept things as they are. I haven't because I still have hope, and I still see value in these things I just can't seem to get.
Emotional intelligence is important for anyone; reflection on ones own behaviour and response to others is difficult for aspies. Adults who have been coping for years without the knowledge of being on the spectrum have for years developed patterns of behaviour and response that are hard to change or they may see no need to change. It is difficult for adults on the spectrum to learn new methods of coping when they have used emotionalism often inappropriate or intimidating to others , to express themselves, to express their frustrations or to cope as they can not think the situation through. Those around them, spouses, family members co workers then avoid the topic , the situationor even the Aspie . Emotional outbursts or inappropriate behaviour become a passive aggressive way of the undiagnosed Aspie to control the situation, avoid the situation and shut the other person down. The lack of emotional intelligence or the inability to recognize this in oneself sets real barriers to communication and enjoyment of life for the Aspie and is the real barrier to enjoying healthy relationships.
Great video, lots of what you said made total sense to me. Thank you.
I have friends and I talk to people but I still feel like I'm missing out on quite a bit of EQ. For instance in dating I have no clue what I'm doing. And I can't really stop myself from thinking too much either.
I find your enthusiasm and how your brain 'works' so fascinating - the flow charts, the graphs, the excitement - adorable!
I don't know where I am on the spectrum, but I did find this video interesting. I did laugh alot watching this video, your funny in a positive way
I am applying for a job that requires emotional intelligence. I am a female with autism but I can't mask it as well as I would like to. Trying to find a job has been hell. I don't want the employers to know about my condition or they won't even consider me. I really need this job, the main focus of the job is not a high EQ but it does call for it. I am expecting a skype interview soon, how can I fake emotional intelligence and improve my verbal communication skills. Any advice will be appreciated.
Thank you for posting this.
Hi Carl, Very Nice speech that you gave. I am Bhargav R Ranganath, from Bangalore, India. Can you tell me how the flowchart works? I was not able to understand.
Great channel buddyyyy
First, thank you. I have been YT surfing trying to figure me out... I've only been aware of my spectrum venue a very short time... Considering my age. Not that that should be concerning... It's seems most folks have figured out they are on the spectrum by the time they are 30 something... I've always been late, or takes time for jokes to set in etc.🙃. Everything is a learning curve into left field and the information I am trying to glean from your stuff is taking time but it is sinking in. And I appreciate you taking the time with the analogies. Yeah, I get them...
Did you know at 16-17 y/o that you were on the spectrum (probably wasn't called that)
In time I would like to make sure I get through all your works... 😎🐝
This is a bit long but I need your advice on or some links that can help me get a handle on this (feel like it would really help me):
My biggest issue right now is actually due to a fake personality I seem to have automatically emulated/created when I was going to college. Throughout school I never learned how to fit in and was always a loner or outcast, so once I realized all the benefits of being social, I just started to act like an character that I really liked, because it made acting social in situations far easier. Like, as embarrassing as it is to say, deadpool. The personality itself isn't an exact copy of the character, but a lot of the social traits I observed stuck together, and that's the character the personality most likely resembles. Not the greatest role model I'm aware, but I was only trying to emulate his social abilities which are leagues above mine. And to be honest, I sorta liked it. So I more so copied it than anything. My social life did improve to some extent, and that's kind of why I kept at it.
However, now within my late 20's I've noticed a few unfortunate patterns... wherein it seems the root cause of these issues stem from my emulated extroverted personality. I've just realized, via my brother, that I'm actually not as good at social conversations as I thought I was. It definitely opened my eyes, and helped me see how the illusion that I put up is actually a damper on my life. There were warning signs before of course, such as through work. I noticed that people never liked me as much, but when I asked others why, I never got an answer. It must have been because I never showed my true self.
But why do I not show my true self? Because I'm sort of... well there's no easy way to put this... a cynical bastard to some extent. When I'm not that I'm more serious, cold, and monotone. I care about people yes, but I'm still sarcastic (not very good but passable at it) and cynical, and don't show that care as much. So yeah... kind of the polar opposite from my illusory fake personality.
But anyway, I learned that even with the mask, or illusion, I'm still bad at talking to people, even if I do put myself out there more (which is brave enough in the first place) to talk to others. I'm still bad across the board (idiom alert) at talking to people I'm attracted to though.
My other issue, as is probably pretty self-explanatory, is explaining to much. And still another would be that if I ever am to talk to others I seem to subconsciously or automatically link/compare certain things that the other is talking about to events that are or were part of my own life, which usually ends up in me talking about myself too much... or instead I'll link the event or thing someone is talking about to Social Patterns, which sort of like you, is something I'm highly interested in.
But nothing bores a woman more than talking about historical events, political trends outside and within the white house, psychological intricacies and sociological behavior through history due to psychological imprints and historical events... unfortunately.
Hey Paul, I just want to say thanks for sharing. In my “book”, you’re accepted. Not that my “book” is of any great importance or anything. (The English language makes concepts seem like other concepts sometimes so my message there came out wrong but I think you know what I was attempting to convey) anyways ! It’s wonderful connecting to someone and it only seems to happen when you’re operating on same frequency or rather in the same realm. I’m pretty much solo where I’m at currently. 38 and live in Small town of less than 200 people ! So go figure... it is so difficult everyday just to start the day sometimes, but we gotta keep at it, thank goodness for the drive, eh? And thanks to ones like you sharing and making it known openly that there is others out there in like conditions and one is not as alone as they think they are ? It helps that drive. Hope
That makes sense. Do you have any recommendations or advice on how someone would connect with people who are on the same level when you live in such small town? (Please don’t just say “online”... specifics would be appreciated, that is only if you have any suggestions) thanks for everything you do