Autistic masking: a dangerous survival mechanism | Leah Reinardy | TEDxHopeCollege
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 16 мар 2022
- This talk contains discussion of suicide and mental health and contains a statistic on sexual assault.
We all filter ourselves depending on our social context, but Autistic individuals rarely have the privilege to turn that filter off. In this talk Leah Reinardy, Autistic advocate and educator, defines the concept of Autistic masking, why Autistic individuals learn to mask, the deadly consequences that come with that mask, and the struggles of learning to take that mask off. Leah is a junior at Hope College studying music and business. She is from Zeeland, Michigan. Leah wanted to become a speaker to encourage others who have a phobia of public speaking to raise their voices. She is the president of Hope Advocates for Invisible Conditions, a pianist in the Jazz Arts Collective, and a percussionist in the Wind Ensemble. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
"You're so outgoing!" You have no idea how much work I'm putting into making you think that. Also I'm about to cry.
I live with this too. I'm so "good" at being the spotlighted socialite from years of pushing myself into uncomfortable territory (I even spent 18 years working in nightlife as a bartender) - until I finally crashed this year at the age of 35. It takes so much work just to go to the store or interact with my family now. You are not alone.
@@Missbillie_jean3 You are not alone neither. All the best ❤
same, sibling. internet hug
Yep. It sucks.
Wow. Yes
The problem with masking is that its very hard to stop. The only place I feel like myself is in my room or while I'm completely alone. I feel like no one really knows me now because of masking.
I agree
💯
Is it really a problem? The goal is to not let people know you. I consider it a resounding success.
@@onegoal1775 yes, you are completely correct. But I think MisterCynic18 is just a contrarian, edgelord troll with no empathy, either for themself or others. They need professional therapy.
I also love my room as well. The perfect spot in the world.
Full transparency - over the past couple of weeks I have been considering taking down this talk; however, after reading these comments, this needs to stay online.
Seeing y'all not only relate to my experience but build each other up in discussions with one another is INCREDIBLY impactful and reminds me why I do this work. Thank you all for your authenticity and vulnerability around some very stigmatized topics - I wish you all the best as you continue to work through the trauma you've experienced.
Am thankful to find your talk. The extended lockdowns and WFH allowed many undiagnosed to comfortably work without the stress and anxiety of a workplace or seeing colleagues, and many became their most productive work self. The stress of RTO and/or too many video calls has taken many over the edge. We need stories and resources like you - so much on RUclips is from 5+ years ago. There are few resources that are recent, not gimmicky, and fewer still that focus on the increasing cases of women with undiagnosed neurodiversity. Keep doing what you’re doing please
Thank you ❤️
Thank you for this. Keep it up and I feel you did a good job describing autistic interaction with nerotypical people.
So glad you didn’t take it down. I’ve masked my whole life and have been working hard at trying to allow myself to just be me. It’s so easy to mask and not draw attention to myself, though I go home and take hours or longer to calm down after it. I get so tired of it all, so sometimes I prefer to be very quiet around people.
I was looking for exactly this. Thank you.
That quote "who was I?" Hit home for me. When I was 25 it clicked that I had spent so much of my life being what I felt others wanted me to be that I no longer knew who I actually was
I strongly relate, it was around 23-25 that I started to unravel the denial of my autism that I had accumulated over the years from social exclusion and mistreatment. I was essentially manipulated to think that I SHOULD be able to function like any other person (socializing and speaking appropriately, doing chores, getting a job etc.) because everyone always expected me to, as well as expecting me to "work with" (read: mask) my autistic features and behavior.
Same here, mine was at 23. still 25 working thru it
Cut off almost everyone, still trying to find a way to fit in society the way I'd love to. Not just bending to satisfy all in every situation and still failing
@@dopeboyhyphen8796 This...
Same for me.. now I 21 and I just begin to try unmasking.. it is really hard because I forgot how to be myself .. and when I around other people I just feel like I can't forgot the script that I always use and do and say what I want to.. it makes me feel nervous just to think about do and act my natural way.. it even can make me run away sometimes and cry because it's really scares me that I will do something wrong, and people will not like me..
@@enyayatsentuok7746 I feel you, it's not just as easy as "letting go" and just being yourself around people, there's a LOT of shame and trauma woven into our perceived need for masking.
The only thing that can help us with this is that the people around us accept the fact that we are simply masking and are suffering greatly for it, and most importantly that they accept the fact that unmasking does not in any way affect our personality or mental faculties in a negative way, only in a positive.
And let's be honest; what masking is in its essence is nothing short of us selling our integrity for the pleasure of others, but they don't even pay for the service; we do. They demand we sacrifice our mental health for them, but cannot be demanded to simply accept the fact that we are different to them the way we accept they are different to us... I cannot express with words how the unfairness of this situation makes me feel, mostly I just go numb over the absurdity of society.
There is an intense, deeply insidious rejection that occurs when we're accepted while masking. It's like a dagger to the heart when it's those closest to us who become enthusuastic about our masked selves.
Fortunately for me over time my loved ones saw the fallout and the healing that happened after my late diagnosis and unmasking.
Masking in healthcare settings is a huge issue. Me doing it meant my pain and distress was underestimated often and led to major neglect and untreated problems.
Autistic people deserve all the acceptance and support in the world. We've been through so much.
Never put that together before but its so painfully true.
This! I went to wedding last week, charmed people told them all my big exciting plans, laughed even though my stomach hurt. Couldn’t talk for two days.
They love her. She’s so capable and intelligent and funny. She’s not me.
I’ve been reading about counter illumination, I kind of camouflage that deep sea fish do. They use bioluminescence to light their bellies to the exact patterns of light that the ocean is filtering.
When I’m ask, I don’t make myself less, I’m bright and shiny .
It doesn’t feel good anymore. The mask is heavy and I know I’m lying.
But no one can wrap their head around my profound strengths and my deep incapacity to function.
💔
Oh don't I know it!
Yes, masking even while getting diagnosed is a huge issue, and the fact that doctors cant see throu it is really unacceptable to me
@@margicates553Maybe nobody who is NT, but I assure you, Many on the spectrum have been exactly where you are, and do know what it is like!
“I never stopped this performance for fear of being seen as rude, incompetent, unprofessional. They would see what’s wrong with me.” That quote was the first quote that’s ever made me burst into tears. Never have I understood something more in my life. I want to stop masking and I’m trying to I think I’m getting better at it. I don’t know why I’m saying so much on here maybe cause it’s “anonymous” and that it feels kinda good to show vulnerability for once.
We need a counter for "I burst into tears". I did when I learned that I am not the only one so hurt by an an uncaring system.
I recognized myself in this sooo very much, it’s so strange to realize how much of my own issues fit into autism, never having considered myself more than “spectrum-adjacent” so to speak.
I have three options:
1. Continue masking in order to pursue my dream career and somehow learn to cope so as to not get burned out again (if that's even possible, LOL)
2. Drop the mask and risk social ostracization and limited job opportunities
3. Retreat into an online job and risk severe isolation // not pursuing the career/life I had always wanted to pursue
Fun times. :/
I know this feeling so well. The only input I can give as a middle aged person, is to see if you can find an industry and/or workplace where NDs are more common. My partner works in cyber security and he has had at least two ND managers who have been very successful in their careers and whilst they do go into the office, much of the time they don't have to mask or at least it is minimal. Comparing that to my own career in the law, I feel ostracized and rejected even when I do mask, and it's not for lack of competence or desire to succeed. So I'm now trying to make a career change at 41, because I don't want to keep working in an industry that is so systemically intolerant of neurodiversity. Sorry for the rant, it's a sore point for me.
I don't mind being alone. I'm fine with it. I prefer being alone for what I believe are the right reasons than being among a group of people for what I believe are all the wrong ones.
I'm kind of having this reflexion as well. However I remain hopeful thinking there might be a way to find a job where masking isn't constant.
Also, having friends who are ND themselves to unwind with is really helpful. I know not everyone has that luck, but it's worth trying and keeping such friends if you find them. They validate me and I validate them and we can be authentic together.
online + a hobby is sort of ok for me, although i've had trouble connecting with people everywhere including through hobbies
(2) is wrong. When you drop the mask you DON'T risk social and limited job opportunities.
When you drop the mask you have more energy & peace of mind to allocate in things that matter to you, family, career etc.
I speak from experience! Option 2 is best.
Please keep this online. I am a neurodivergent teacher who is leaving the field due to illness and I am so scared for all my neurodivergent kids.
The whole "I can be myself when I graduate" hit me so hard. Not just for being autistic, but also being in the closet. Waiting one more semester, one more month, one more week, it's incredibly exhausting. But this talk made me feel seen. Just like many others talking about their experiences with autism have helped me feel seen. I cry happy tears tonight because your vulnerability has reached my heart from across the screen, from across the world. Thank you so much for existing, you are brave and I feel for you. Let's keep on choosing life every day.
You're loved fam🫂🤍🩶🤎💜🩵💙💚💛🧡🩷❤️God created us just as He wanted us and we're highly favored. Let your light shine
I'm 39 and looking into getting an autism diagnosis. I have been masking for as long as I can remember. I have become an expert at latching onto others personalities and incorporating them into my own. I have recently been having to deal with the fact that I have no idea who I am. That is the scariest thing I have ever had to attempt to understand.
"There is a carriage full of people, being dragged by 4 horses running and there is no driver" Gurdjeff
You are and we all are exactly who we need to be. Even if we dont knw who we are yet. I'm 35 going on 36 and I too have just recently just began to unmask. I took a life form of substance abuse at such a young age that autism in the late 80s early 90s wasnt even considered yet. Here I am now still trying to find whats wrong with me. But I'm realizing now I AM PERFECT and I am Exactly who I need to be! So are you.
I am 40 and since a week in the same boat. Exhausted all my life but especially right now to keep going with the masking.
I agree.
I was 35 when I got tested and diagnosed with level 1 ASD and OCD. Best decision I ever made
“I don’t owe you that vulnerability.” Wow I needed to hear those words as I begin to crawl back over the bridge towards my true ND self. Thank you for sharing this and letting it remain here each day.
Masking is exhausting. Being the real me is lonely. I relate so much to everything said. Thank you.
I didn't realize I was autistic until I was 18. This year (age 19) I got punished so badly just for unmasking. I was berated, excluded, had rumors spread about me, and worst of all, I was treated like a child, which quite frankly, is dehumanizing. The person doing this to me was the president of the club of my special interest (gymnastics). She kicked me out of our nationals for the most minor things, and 2 out of 3 reasons weren't even true/ weren't my fault. She hated me but was so damn manipulative toward me that it made me depressed for months. I was so hurt and depressed I got distracted constantly. That distraction led to a car accident. Honestly, I'm just tired of being treated this way. I am not diagnosed, and don't want to get diagnosed because of the legal discrimination I would face. That girl who did this to me had no idea I was autistic, but that is no excuse. Our society needs to stop punishing people for autistic traits. Because at the end of the day, punishing autistic traits is punishing someone for having a disability. You don't need to know that someone has been diagnosed with a disability to treat them with respect. If I'm not hurting anyone, then it doesn't matter what I'm doing. And if I am hurting someone, punish me the exact same way you would punish a neurotypical for the same thing. Don't kick me out of a major trip with no re embursement for my volunteer work just because of my issue of being late, when other people in the club are just as irresponsible as I am, or worse. I am treated like a child yet held to higher standards than everyone else my age. I am so. damn. tired. of. it. I want justice for how I was treated. It's not right. To my fellow neurodivergents and allies, it is time to fight back. I should be able to get a diagnosis without dealing with discrimination. I deserve respect. I have the right to unmask. YOU have the right to unmask. WE have the right to unmask and we deserve respect whether we mask or not.
You’re BADASS! And have the blood of a leader! Keep fighting and be yourself please the world needs you
I started crying halfway through you talking. I’m undiagnosed but suspect I may be ND, but I’ve masked so well all of my life that most people didn’t seem to pick up on it, including myself. They just say I’m a little flaky, sometimes unreliable and at worst annoying and too sensitive. For me, I haven’t felt like myself since I was in early elementary school, I just know I can’t handle people, I have anxiety and sometimes I think about not existing because I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to do. Since the end of high school I’ve been so afraid to come off cold and apathetic that I’ve changed my whole personality not knowing that was another layer of masking until now. I always tell new people I meet, “you should have met me when i was younger, I barely talked!” Because people would always tell me “you’re so outgoing, you speak so well, you’re so friendly and nice.” I never tell them that at the end of the day my emotions are so fried that I stop thinking when I get home. I shut myself in my room, cry, watch mindless TV so I can just hear noise, lay in my bed and contemplate every interaction I think went wrong and how to correct it.
At this point, I just have no idea what I’m doing or who I am anymore except someone who tries to make people happy without much success. My parents asked me recently, “don’t you have any dreams? Or goals? You’re wasting away.” And all I could say was that I don’t. I don’t have dreams, I never knew what I wanted, I only knew what other people wanted of me. And then they looked at me in disappointment, I know the look well now. Like I failed, like they failed to raise me well, which is the only pride you have as an Asian parent. They can’t boast about me because I’m emotionally unhinged and can’t hold a job even though my life depends on it. My mom another time told me if I don’t change who i am, if I couldn’t show I cared enough, if I couldn’t be happy and thankful outwardly, no one was gonna stay with me and love me. And I felt like she was right. I still feel like she is right.
Finding this community recently though has changed everything for me. Not immediately, but in the way I started to think about how I am. I want to get diagnosed to know for sure because it’s literally killing me slowly not knowing what’s wrong with me, I can feel my life slipping through my fingers and I just don’t want that anymore.
Thank you for this talk, Leah. It was incredibly cathartic to hear someone say things that I’ve been afraid to say all my life.
I was born American, but that didn't make my undiagnosed years any easier. I didn't know until I was 59 that there was a label for the chasm I could feel between me and others, that everybody else thought was me insisting on being weird. That I could cross easily if I cared just a little what others thought.
I was trying so hard to fit in, but it never worked. I wanted a life where I could get by without the pain of being around others who thought so differently than I did. I didn't know anybody else thought that way. I never came close to my dream life. Now I am farther from it than ever. I live in senior housing apartments, the oldest in my city because that was all my family could afford. The rent is going up because it now needs many repairs.
The in-house socializing programs are wearing on me. The meals provided are not what I need. The whole area is much noisier and busy than I want for myself. Any friends here tend to disappear into medical settings with no notice or chance to reconnect. ( Being sarcastic : Thanks, HIPPA laws!! ) Staff turn over is common, tho a core of dedicated people stay until they burn out. There hasn't been a real living wage paid here in decades.
I can totally relate to what you say here and more recently, certain unfortunate events prompted severance of a long relationship with a family member that I always helped and looked out for. I find myself being able to move forward , to relate better and not to put myself into a people pleaser/self eradicating mode. I'm loving not being obligated towards another who takes me for granted and validating myself just for who I am. Thought I'd share that withyou. oxoxo
I Hope you’re doing well now. I just got my diagnosis 3 months ago and it has been really complicated. I’m trying to unmask and my partner and I are learning how to navigate things. I hope you get the answers you’re looking for. It’s worth pursuing if you have the means and access to do it.
This hit me like a ton of bricks
I know exactly how you feel. about 23 years ago, i left this reality for those same reasons. Reiki and mugwort tea are pathways to abilities some consider to be un-natural. but, for all the good things that they have produced, they they still haven't revealed a purpose for me. I will save this post. in a years time, i will try some DMT and see if that will reveal my true purpose. if it does, I'll let you know....
For me, masking meant doing everything I could to win people over just up to the point that they would realize that I didn't fit in like I was pretending to. I gave up around 9th grade, totally exhausted and anxious.
I can relate. I spent my last years of schooling trying to find information how to survive without using money. I particularly thought the skills shown by the first few generations of Native Americans to meet Europeans were relevant. I forgot to take into account how much the country has been changed since that time. I doubt anybody could pull it off anymore.
For me, I literally do not know what I would do if I didn't mask. That is, I don't even know what the other option is. Looking back at it, I started masking incredibly heavily by the time I was about 7 or 8. I never really thought about it before, just felt generally miserable and awkward, but looking back I realize that by my teens I had this deep, deep fundamental understanding that in any social situation I had some sort of an obligation to put on some sort of a role and try really hard. I did not understand why, but I just knew that if I didn't, nothing worked out for me at all. I got bullied and beaten often, and I just tried to do everything, anything, to stay afloat.
Even at home, unless I was absolutely on top of everything, constantly pre-empting what people wanted, I would get chewed out for it. I remember when my mother actually got angry at me for freezing up and having a blank expression when she was shouting at us about something. Or when she imitated my nervous tics, laughed about it and told me to knock it off so she wouldn't get embarassed - in my own graduation party.
I learned to be loud, to pretend I was really on top of everything, that I was super into it. And I learned to fawn and mirror others so much that any social interaction to me is just me trying to figure out who they would like me to be and then trying to be that. I have to make so much effort to do it that most of the time it consumes all my attention.
I went through the first 30 years of my life not even considering that social interactions may not be deeply, deeply fraught and demanding forced activity for most people. I remember that I maybe sometimes tried to articulate to someone how I felt like I was compelled to do certain things when interacting with anyone, and how I just couldn't be myself. I thought I was somehow mentally handicapped. But of course it never registered as a cohesive thing.
At this point I just don't even know what options there are. When I am with anyone, I behave wildly differently from when I am alone, but my brain basically just at this point thinks that this is who I am with others present. I don't even recognize it as actively masking (I recognize now what the whole thing is, but not that there is any active choice about it), and I don't recognize what I am even hiding any more. The only alternative to this I can even see is just... not doing anything at all.
I really want to find out what I would even be like if I did not feel this fundamental, forced need to mask like this. But it's so hard to find anything else I could even do, to recognize what's natural. I can only be anything like that alone.
I am so confused. I have both fiercely been my authentic self, and at 49 trying to unmask. It turns into weird things like asking my therapist if I can hit myself in the head with a ruler during our session just because it feels good, and then massive shame and fear of acting weird. So much to unpack and unmask. Thank you for your story.
I like a ruler on the back of my neck. I can't believe I am not the only person who needs that sometimes.
My son - on the spectrum - turns 21 tomorrow. I have learned to drop unnecessary filler words and be blunt. I have noticed I appreciate it in others. There is so much to think about in this talk.
just now discovering i’m autistic at 21 and that i’ve been masking my whole life. living in a physically and emotionally abusive household as a child really warps your perception of yourself and how you go about surviving. all my life i’ve been so tense. but now i know it’s not my fault that i’m so sensitive and i’m not weird or annoying, but beautifully autistic
Bless you brother/sister
@@KickStarrs 😊😊💖💖
11:15 THIS. It's dangerous to even reveal my autism diagnosis in some settings because professionals hear the word "autism" and treat me as if I were a toddler or a puppy.
I worry about this for my daughter. I’m still undiagnosed at almost 42, which has caused its own set of problems (mostly totally unreasonable expectations from my mother), but she was formally diagnosed at 5 last year. She can speak pretty well following years of speech therapy; she is toilet trained just fine, though that happened slowly; she can mostly dress herself following a couple years of occupational therapy. I don’t want her treated like a “toddler or puppy”, but I also don’t want excess pressure placed on her to be “normal” to the point she is crushed! So hard to know the right things to do, but I am trying my best! (Her Daddy loved her dearly and took her to baby swim, play group, speech therapy, preschool; but unfortunately died of cancer a little over a month after she started kindergarten 😔.)
@@misspatvandriverlady7555 That is so tragic for her to struggle with autism AND lose her father... my heart breaks 😢
My niece married a ND man, he got along ok in the engineering field, working for a large company. There seems to be a lot of ND engineers.
Tell them how to treat you. It's the same for us neurotypicals. We don't know what to do either.
I recently discovered that I've known two autistic people since 1982 and 1984.
I'm now slowly starting to realize that I've found their masking actually often difficult to deal with (because it can come across as strong and at the same time cold and also, masking gets you guys hired, because you are so convincing) (but I've only seen one of them unmasked). One currently seems to have a lot of anger for me. I called her the other day and she said that she didn't want to talk with me, shouted at me and said that "I with my sweet voice" shouldn't pretend not to know what was going on, but I have no idea why she was so angry with me... Only five days earlier, she had sent an email in which everything was fine. That is, she didn't express any anger, but she didn't express any interest either. After the phone call, I felt hurt and really upset and confused.
@@angelinasourenAmong neurotypicals "I'm fine" means "you messed up big time but I'm not going to tell you how or why" at least part of the time. I'm not going to attempt to deconstruct or decode some interpersonal communication mishap between strangers that I've never met before.
I had no idea I was on the spectrum until I was 30. My parents sat down with me in 2014 and informed me that I may have been born with an autism spectrum disorder. By this time, I had completed a four year enlistment in the Army and earned a bachelors degree at 26. On the other hand, I also grew up without ever fitting in socially. I was with the wrong girl for ten years, in part because I was too scared and uncertain to take a key opportunity at 28. Went to war at eighteen and came back at 20, yet have had a lifetime of difficulties.
"Masked to be taken seriously at the hospital" was one that hit
"Just be yourself" (Mummy, to me, in my teens) Response: "Yes, but which self do you want me to be?"
Leah, your talk about autism masking is the most impactful video I have ever seen. I applaud you for your strength, vulnerability, and truth. I am a psychiatrist with a son who is autistic, and I have treated clients with ASD, not understanding their feelings. Through your video, I feel their struggle and their pain. My son is quiet and does not feel safe expressing himself; however, he has become more withdrawn over the years. How you describe how difficult it is to mask crossing the bridge to the neurotypical explains a lot. Shamefully, I admit I have uttered those painful words, "What's wrong with you?" I will be mindful of the damage those words can inflict on anyone. Thank you, Leah. You have and will continue to save countless lives.
as long as you are not hitting your son then all is good, i was hit all the time and shouted at, the hitting was worse, i still dont like shouting
@@wyrdscynce nope.
Just listen. It sounds simple but it's surprisingly hard to do well
Listen, try not to judge, ask gentle questions, say sorry when you upset him, etc. The golden and silver rules; treat them how they want to be treated
The same can be said for any new friend or anyone you're trying to listen to, make friends with, heal, etc.
You must look hard at yourself and learn to change your language.
Parenting comes before 'expertise'.
Thank you.
Both my daughter and I have autism. We both mask. During one of our conversations, she said to me, when I asked her to trust me and tell me when she was not feeling comfortable “I trust no one.” That hit home. I realised that I don’t either. Even trusting ourselves is very, very hard.
Love yourself. Love your son. Learn his cues. They’re there, even (or should I say especially?) when he’s masking. Step by step, try to get to REALLY know him. Verbalise things and try to do so using his words and the turnsof phrases he uses (if he’s verbal).
One of the things my daughter and I use as a tool in our social interactions, is to ‘learn the other person’s language’. Every individual has their own way of expressing themself. They have attached subtle and less subtle nuances to the meanings of words, expressions, phrases. It’s exhausting but it helps to understand what on Earth someone means when saying something, asks something, gives instructions. A linguist once explained to me that this is valid for everyone. People with autism, as you probably very well know, are very specific in their use of language. So understanding what your son really means when he does open up and reciprocating using his vocabulary and ways of using it, can be tremendously helpful in building bridges with him. That then can translate into expanding his lexicon of expressions and nuances. Not to mask, but to unmask and to signal in time when he needs to unmask, decompress, etc.
Because it’s a sad truth that we’ll never be able to fully unmask 100% of the time. Unfortunately that would mean we cannot function in today’s society. But knowing down to his very core that it’s safe to do so around you, around his inner circle, will go along way towards learning to do so in other settings as well and to identify those and multiply them. Yes, there will always be times when we need to “put on our human suit” over our true selves, but it’s an enormous relief when we don’t need to don the full armour and can either go without, or just go “Zoom meeting style” and just put on the upper half, the part covered by the range of the webcam. At least, that’s how my daughter puts it.
“What’s wrong with you?” - We’ve lost count of the times people asked us this question (and that includes us doing so to one another). We’ve solved this among our family and friends by rephrasing it into “What’s going on?/What’s going on with you?” I’m not saying this’ll work for your son, but it works for us. We’ll often follow up with “Is it okay for me to know what’s going on? Or do you feel more need to decompress right now?” If the answer is the latter, we provide breathing space. If the other one is grumpy, uncommunicative, acting “off”, appears in a bad mood, is snippy… we simply ask “Am I doing something that’s bothering you, or is it something else?” That helps take the tension away because more often than not, it’s not the person asking that question who is causing issues. At least, that person won’t take it personally when one of us is being grouchy. Funnily enough, a lot of people around us have picked up that ‘interaction hack’ and now do the same with others. Even simply asking “Do you want/need some space?” can provide tremendous relief. I find we need things to be vocalised more than neurotypical people but that even neurotypical people benefit from simply saying stuff aloud to those they interact with.
I hope this helps. Don’t give up.
Leah...you are precious. I was just diagnosed with Autism. I am 59, almost 60. After 50 it becomes harder to mask. I had no idea what was going on as I was unraveling and everything you were saying I can relate to so much. You keep doing what you are doing. You are part of the solution. Thank you for do this. It must have been exhausting. Much love!
At 48 I'm starting to try and figure it out. Slowly unraveling....
All the best to you
Do you have an idea why it gets harder after 50? I'm not even 40, not officially diagnosed yet but waiting for a appointment at a clinique, very strongly expecting a positive diagnosis and I feel it even gets harder now already but don't really know why.
@@jdmmg4904 I think because our bodies are changing and also, you get to a point where you are just tired. Because that is the outcome of masking. It sucks your energy. I grew up in a family where I was taught to put myself last. Well that is/was the worst thing to do. So self care is so very important!!! Continue to educate yourself and be kind to yourself. Find a neurodivergent buddy. You have one somewhere in your circle, you just have to look. On super bad days, ya just gotta say "Ah, f@*k all"! And just do the best you can to muddle through. Big hugs. Life is tough, but we are tougher!!
@@DunderMifflin_ThisisPam and to you as well. Be excellent to yourself and others! Old Bill and Ted. :)
@@DunderMifflin_ThisisPam Iam 48 and this 2022 med get me has Autism. Iam in big chock.
Thank you, Leah. "What's WRONG with you?"--how many times have I heard this over my life? I am a 56 year old woman with autism and have finally learned to be ME! As a therapist and PhD learner, I am diagnosing clients in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s with autism. I am sharing this beautiful story with my clients.
That end part asking NTs about crossing that bridge made me cry. The sincerity of an ND mind is just so far from what NTs put value in.
i have been thinking like that for 30 years without knowing that other people don't do that .I was masking by instinct and went under the radar .I was even practicing in the mirror everything and recording my voice then play it back to hear it and check how my voice may sound in a phone conversation and correct any mistakes to make sure i sound perfect. I thought everyone did things like that .Then i was diagnosed at the age of 30 (by accident i saw a movie with an autistic teen that would act exactly like how i would act if i wasnt masking ...stimming etc i was autistic only in privet and alone and he was autistic in public etc ) i went to a psychiatrist who specializes in autism and ticked all the boxes .She even told me that i did a very impressive job at masking wile being undiagnosed . Once i said to some family members that I'm autistic i got the " but you don't look ...act ...autistic " well i have been mastering acting neurotypical all my life ... Thank you .
I recently tried to unmask and was faced with the same challenge of "who am I?"... it was terrifying, but my friends are trying and my support people allow me to be "myself", whoever that is anymore. this talk was amazing! Thank you
lucky, mine completely abandoned me
@@midoriaomori6685 at least you know now that they weren't true friends.
@@theDurgaLove how do you have friends when you have autism?
looking back when I was masking before, I had friends yes, but those friends were toxic, I was masking tooo much that I’d even let them walk all over me. Now embracing my unmasked side, I cut connection to those people, and the real people who genuinely liked me for my true self stayed, and I think that that’s worth it.
I'm sad that you were terrified. It makes me realize how lucky I am to work with the people I work with. They were all so accepting when I stopped masking. They didn't treat me any differently. I was actually excited to find out who I really was.
This made me cry. I've been trying to get a test for adhd or autism unsuccessfully for over a year now after I started reading about the symptoms in women but everytime I get shut down, I was once told I'd need to have zero interest in socializing to be considered autistic and others simply say I've done too well in school for that to be possible . My college experience has been the same as she described and I've come to a point where my brain simply shuts down when having to deal with college, I tried unmasking and discovered a lot of behaviors I thought were gone are there and I simply dissociate to try not to notice the triggers. I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon, hopefully they'll at least listen. I hope all of you can thrive.
Stay strong!! Keep trying , get back up and go again! I have faith in you that you will find that clarity and your life will change. Sending you love, You've got this
I had to go private, in the uk, to be diagnosed.
I know what you mean. I've worked around "the norm" for 36 years. I mimic everyone second nature now... until I get tired. If I'm tired or stressed those walls come down and people start asking whats wrong because "I'm not myself". Burn out is so frequent for me. Stay strong. Your not alone.
Why you gotta comment my story of the last year 😭😭
", I was once told I'd need to have zero interest in socializing to be considered autistic and others simply say I've done too well in school for that to be possible " whoever said either of those said complete BS. Perhaps they meant a different type of autism (low functioning, "Rain Man" style), but it's definitely not the case with Aspergers for example
"This world needs you. The real you. And it could stand to learn from the ways you operate and interact within it every single day." Beautiful, vulnerable, emotional speech. We're all so glad you chose not to take the video down. Thank you for sharing your story and inspiring so many people.
Your talk is still doing good today. Thank you. Never been diagnosed, but after years of trying I finally got my grandson diagnosed. Now I think we all wonder if we are on the spectrum. The masking that i do to fit in often leaves me wondering who I really am.
Please don't ever take this down. I have been doing such a deep dive into autism since my daughter was diagnosed this year age 12. And through that realising that this is me too, my story, all the faking and loneliness and pain making sense. Her life has been following the same trajectory and it breaks my heart. This video, you, this is the most powerful and authentic I've found, the tears are flowing the pain is so raw. My mission in life is to help my daughter unmask and love the incredible person she is. I know I have to be brave and make the journey too, show her it can be done. I'll be showing her this video. Thank you for this vulnerable beautiful gift you've shared with the world ❤
I recently realized that whenever I meet my friends, I make a list of things to talk about in my head and even practice the conversations. Did it all my life. Never realized.
I am realizing things like that i never realized too...
Me too.
It's crazy how hearing the addition of "with you", to "what's wrong" brought up so much suppressed pain from my father 😂 everyone please take care and be kind to yourself
Whoa. “My existence brought others pain.”
That hits so deep in me.
I remember in high school, everyone was saying how "she has a funny personality and he has a quiet personality." I just thought. "I don't have one." Masking destroyed me. Going to an accepting collage where I can be myself has saved me
You are very brave.
Asking a Neuro typical to cross the bridge has instinctively felt like too much for me. I don't get a pass for autistic behaviors and it always made me feel like I am not in control of my life and my natural impulses. I felt that I was the problem for making others uncomfortable.
Sometimes I want to die but it is not clear why. I often think I am a terrible person because my natural happiness is unbearable to most of humanity. Masking my laughter with depression and suicidal thoughts would prevent people from being afraid of behavior they can't explain.
I feel incredibly honored when someone drops their mask with me. It's a level of trust I never dreamed of having from anyone.
Music for sure is a great language. I always thought that if I couldn’t communicate with words, maybe if I make songs, it’d speak to people and they’d grasp the emotion I’m trying to convey.
As someone with a concrete mask who's just figured out what's wrong, I thank you for this. ❤
Thank you for saying what I couldn't!!! I'm 45 and I still can't drop the mask in front of my parents,: when I do they ask if I'm drunk 😥 But for my 12yo daughter, I'm helping her to learn a better way... she is free to be who she is in a way I never was!!
This talk is raw, self aware, a brilliantly constructed and honest insight into Autism. this will help me much more than anything else i've read and seen to help someone i know who is in a very difficult place right now. Thank you.
I so identify with this. I must be quite good at masking, since I wasn’t diagnosed for 53 years. I had other diagnoses of course. It takes so much energy though. I don’t ever unmask, except when alone. Well done Leah. That was a great talk.
Thank you so much, Leah! I had no idea I was autistic until this year (and I'm over 30), but I always knew that chasm between me and other people was there, and I knew they expected me to cross it, and I took much the same approach you did with similar results. I'm working very hard to get my involuntary masking under control, because it did get me this far, but it very nearly killed me. Thank you for sharing your story with such skill and passion.
I am a woman seeking a diagnosis at 43 and this chasm is described (and illusrtrated) perfectly.
Please dont take this down! There are many people that will continue to need to hear this, including loved ones of those with autism - especially for the challenge that THEY consider crossing the bridge either halfway or fully at times. 👌
Loved ones are still not sure what/how to accept I think - and my dad who was my best friend (and was likely also AuDHD) who I never had to mask with has been gone for 13 years now. Your talk gave me solace. Thank you.
Please please keep this talk up. I have an autistic partner and this talk is helping me understand their struggle better. You are so powerful ❤
I am 57 and was diagnosed with autism 4 months ago. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me told me that I mask very well. I had no idea what she meant at the time, and still don't know what's me and what's the mask. I am afraid to find out who I really am, and afraid that I will never know who I am. I have been suicidal for the last six months, but I will try and stay alive for you.
Ruth, just stop for a moment and appreciate your strength. You've been suicidal for the last six months, but you're still here. Keep going. It's worth it, I promise.
I am 52, undiagnosed, but recognised I was autistic in November last year. I also had PTSD and probably a touch of ADHD, although which part is the PTSD I really don't know. Before I even knew I was dissociated through PTSD, I was afraid to find out who I was too. I was afraid of changing into someone I didn't like - but masks don't work like that. As you begin to work out what you want, what works for you and what you want to change, you can start to create boundaries one step at a time.
I don't plan to get diagnosed as the whole process of being analysed and being told who I am or who I am not is not something I want.
Instead I have gained an understanding of myself through watching RUclips videos and engaging with people in the comments, who make me feel human and sane. My favourite is Sarah Hendrickx, (favourite video Atypical Autism - well worth a look). I also follow Purple Ella, YoSamedy Sam, Asperger's from the Inside and Orion Kelly - they all help me to feel less weird and less afraid to be myself.
I do my best to avoid situations where I need to mask - or at least reduce them. I have also begun creating boundaries with my family and rather than accepting invites and then burning out which I've done all my life, I turn them down to protect myself.
Take it one day at a time. It's all baby steps and there is no rush.
Sending big (virtual) hugs. Soon enough you won't need to stay alive for someone else, you'll recognise your gifts and stay alive for you. xxxxxx
Ruth, I am almost 60 and was just diagnosed yesterday. You are a badass for figuring out on your own how to survive. Fear not who you are. Most of us are the most creative, empathetic and interesting persons on this planet. Just learn about yourself. Spend lots of time in nature and in places that feel good. Do art or crafts if that makes you happy. Fill your cup and don't be afraid to self care. You've got a whole hidden village of us sprinkled around out here. Look for us! You'll know once you start looking. Much love!!!
I'm afraid to get diagnosed because then it will all be real.
But I'm starting to lose my strength after 48 years. Thanks for sharing, and please keep going for all of us, and especially for you 🙏
At 51 I started searching who I am, why do I burst into shouting. I feel very bad afterwards as it is only in the presence of those very close to me. I now learned this is a "meltdown", it happens once or twice a year and I used to end up thinking I could have controlled myself by being the "usual me": socially able, likeable to many and kind.
My need to spend Saturday mornings in my room alone, how odd I thought, way to recharge. Suddenly wanting to leave a party with my body saying "you cannot do this anymore", my arms feel stressed, my eyes almost hurt with the lights. My arms also feel the music, hard rock is exciting, my whole body tunes in. I can almost feel my blood circulating with the guitars, but I can only listen to a couple of tunes. Then I have to leave the scene, my body says no more.
Thanks to You tube talks and books on autism, thanks to my daughter and niece who brought up that my sensorial sensitivity, hyperfocus and rehearsed social skills could be autism, thanks to Leah and to communities like this one opening their innermost thoughts in an honest way.
It is six months since I started this journey. I want to learn to unmask, I now learned that masking hoovers my energy and when stress accumulates my body gives up into a meltdown. But I know the mask has enabled me to have a family and a career: how to balance being off-the-mask and keep the "near neurotypical" life achieved through hard work?
Thank you so much for this talk. And, @leahreinardy3834, thank you for leaving it up.
I'm almost 45, and an AuDHD'er. I've been masking my whole life, until recently. I'm learning to embrace me and the way you described being free to stim and free to speak as you speak (or not at all) really, truly speaks to my recent experiences.
I was 11, maybe 12, the closest I ever came to suicide. Truth be told, the only reason I didn't, and the reason I've never been ACTIVELY suicidal (passively is a different story) since was really another means of people-pleasing: I couldn't hurt my mother that way.
I'll not pretend ours was the same experience. No two lives are alike, really, but your story really struck a chord.
And your message to other Autists out there brought literal tears to this (almost) old man's eyes.
I've no idea if you'll ever see this. I know RUclips will ping the channel owner, but I don't know if this message will reach you, but thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you.
38 but similar story. Playing life on hardcore mode is no fun. The ADHD and autism can cancel the other one out at times, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.
My dokter does not want to test me.he says that my instabitity and not beeing able to handle life is only a bipolair disorder , indeed i also have that on that i can agree but i recognize so many behaviour explanation things . Going out is such a overload that i rather stay home . Your so strong and so brave thank you for speaking out and planting hope.
Thank you! This talk was amazing and very relatable as I am an autistic woman, who struggles daily. Your points about masking are very relatable because I am only starting to learn about what it means to be an autistic woman, and also, which parts of my identity are me and which parts of me are me masking. I have still yet to answer this question.
Thanks so much! I'm glad and also frustrated that you can relate. You might never find definitive "answers" to this question - I try to look at it as though Autism is a lens through which I view everything in the world (it's inseparable from me). As for figuring out what parts of you are real/masked, something that helped me was spending more time alone, whether in my apartment or out in nature. This helped me figure out if my interests/mannerisms were genuine or if I was doing them to conform to others' expectations.
In due time you'll start to figure out where you can safely be yourself and where you'll still need to mask. I wish you the best as you continue to understand your identity.
I am right there with you. I have not been clinically diagnosed however I am learning about Autism and finding myself to be very much on the spectrum. I relate to your comment as I am learning about myself and my identity and what I show to the world as well as my closest relationships
As a man with ASD this is incredibly interesting. I recently learned what masking is, and I don't feel the need to mask often. Working in IT with other nerds allows more space to just be me, but I never learned to mask and fit in and so I never really made any friends and just learned to accept that. Judging by the fact that many women go undiagnosed with ASD, I wonder if this is a survival mechanism mainly women develop. I wonder why that is. Where can I learn more about this phenomenon?
I learned a lot from private Facebook groups and the Reddit subthreads devoted to Autism and just researching on Google differences in autistic boys and girls or men and women
It can very hard for neutotypical women to fit in and it becomes much harder when we have ASD. There are definitely differences in the male and female ASD experience.
I think it has to do with the differing social expectations usually placed on men and women. I think men are often given more latitude to be quiet, shy, or “unfriendly.” Women are under more pressure to have personalities that please other people.
As an autistic woman in Britain, I was given a single masking class and I failed. Weird thing was I didn't have to take that class again.
Then again I might be able to mask if I wear goth makeup but it's hard to tell.
I definitely mask, but not as much as some autistic women it seems. Both my parents have a LOT of ND traits, and my father has dyslexia, and I never felt the need to mask around them. Outside my family, however, it often felt like a totally different world. I think there's more pressure on women to be socially adept. That said, my husband with ADHD masks just as much, if not more, than I do.
I'm unemployed. I'm 39, a female, not college educated, and the only job I've ever held is Life Model. Other than that it's been waitress, a recipe for disaster. This last job lasted 4 days. I'm SO tired. I have four children and there have been days where I've woken up and truly resented them bc they're the reason I can't kill myself. (I love them, I would not put them through that, I'm just saying there are days.) Your talk spoke to me so deeply.
I feel you. I’m undiagnosed with some form of neurodivergence whether it’s Au/ADHD or one of them. My doctor refuses to get me assessed. 🙄 I’ve probably only held down one job in my whole life and that was a seasonal position. I can’t keep friends. Literally my only reason for living is my partner.
I'm in tears. Last minute got me. Recently diagnosed ASD who had no idea. I've been subconsciously masking for decades.
I hope you're around supportive people, Alan.
And this is just with diagnosis. I just realized at 30 that I'm probably autistic and I'm afraid to get a diagnosis
I’ve been feeling like I want to turn it all off lately. It hurts but the best compliment I ever got was “resilient”. And so I got a tattoo of a hummingbird and now I’m crying cause I’m finally alone. I hate to cry in front of my kids I don’t want them to have a depressed mom but it can be so difficult at times… thank you for this talk and your courage.
I hope you pull through god bless 🙏
This was like a play, planned and acted out..masked. I cannot unmask without being incredibly moody and rude at times. Then I regret it but it's too late.
This hits so hard. I'm autistic and I cried twice. I've never attempted suicide or even permanent self-harm but I think about both a lot, even as a little kid, not knowing why
I am currently learning to unmask. To the extent that I’ve achieved it so far, those changes have been so much for the better. The inner monologue telling me I “should” be doing something differently isn’t there 24/7 anymore. It has been for decades. Thank you Leah. Thank you for sharing this ❤
I’m so proud of you and you are so inspiring to me! Keep being amazing!
Related so strongly to your experience. It’s given me more tools and avenues to convey what my experience is like living day to day. Forever grateful
I lived 28 years with masking, I bet I can pass all autism test with zero possibility but in the inside you know you are different, you are struggling and you need help, but fearing that you will take label. If you take help everything could go worse. You don't understand even yourself and so because, you dont expect other people to understand you. I am really so grateful people who talk for us that I am not feel alone anymore. Thank you for talking
Heartbreaking. To be so misunderstood your whole life. I wish you well.
I am 56 years old and have no idea who I actually am. I’ve masked all my life and I only just realise it, completely burnt out and broken.
Thank you so much for not taking this down, this hit me really hard. I have only recently been diagnosed with ASD level 2 at the age of 35 and I didn’t even realize how much I mask until like you said I sat there and tried to think who I am and kept drawing a blank only then could I see how much of my personality changes from person to person I interact with. I had to stop walking while I listened to this it overwhelmed me so much I couldn’t help but cry the feelings you expressed hit so hard with my self and some of it even opened my eyes to stuff I have not even thought about yet. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for this so much!
I've just learned recently that I have autism and I'm 53. Suddenly my life makes sense for the 1st time. Even though I know now, it's so hard to try to unmask. I'm in a career field that would probably dump me if they knew. So the mask stays. At this moment I'm taking a break and found this and I'm fighting hard not to break character and cry.
God bless you. You probably can't really believe how much you are helping others like me, but this is so needed. It is for me at least.
Most of my life I've felt that I make everyone else's life worse just by living. It's been so dark.
Oops, it started to slip. I'm working on breaking my old programming now that just maybe, I'm not a failed & broken human.
I might be a normal neurodivergent.
A million thanks are not enough.
100% agree!!
I know this one as well. I've been telling people I trust about it and that I feel like the world has been turned right side up for the first time in my life.
I was diagnosed at 53 too.
Such an important narrative to share. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you. For being so honest.
Hello Leah - I have many parallels in my life to yours - I was DX'd ASD, age 59, almost 5 years ago. We all have our own story but there is always so much in common. Thank you for telling your story so well. I find it is others in our autistic community that are my most important asset in the healing I need. It is through insights into stories like yours, I catch glimpses of the soul I sold to try to be accepted and part of the world around me. Slowly, the real me, is getting more self-aware and I can enjoy life being true to myself. I wish you peace, self-love and a beautiful journey to become your best. "Welcome Home"!
Super valuable, thank you sincerely for putting this out there
Wow! Thank you so much! I’m still undiagnosed, but I’m slowly learning who I am through candid stories like yours.
thank you so much,I am just coming to terms with my autism at 19 and now am seeking a diagnosis and support. The idea of unmasking makes my head hurt and my heart feel too raw. I'm extremely afraid of what my life will gradually look like these coming months and years but I know it will be so worth it. I feel so afraid of confronting the ways in which I have been limiting my own power and talents but I am exhausted and depressed everyday. This false life is tiring. This isn't living.
thank you for speaking with love an enthusiasm, and please continue to do what feels right everyday. I love you and thank you, I sobbed watching this. I see myself.
I'm crying so much. Thanks for your vulnerability, I feel you 🙏💚🥺
I tried to take the mask off yesterday and ended up info dumping and speaking word vomit and was given a lesson on how to properly socialize, only to lead me to another melt down. Where I had to put the mask up and go back to being silent and dealing with emotional avalanche that lead to more suicidal thoughts. Currently dealing with that now.
Watched this with tears in my eyes. Thanks for sharing your invaluable story.
Thanks for sharing 💚 nice to not be alone in this, it can be overwhelming to experience.
Thank you so much. Your testimony is so empowering
This work and your transparency is inspiring and admirable. Thank you so much. Keep going! ❤
Thank you very very much for this insight, and allowing us be a witness to your journey! As someone who has had the pleasure of working with individuals with ASD for over 3 decades, learning about the authentic experiences are the only way to understand. The graphic is everything!
Wow this made me cry, it is such a powerful talk. I relate to so much of this. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Hearing what you went through helped me realise a lot about what I went through in my life.
Thank you 🙏
Masking takes a toll on you. Thank you for informing everyone. Both neurodivergents and neurotypicals alike.
Thank you for this talk, ran me through a Rollercoaster because I felt so many similar experiences to you. Hearing another person going through what I went through is validating and helpful.
This is an AMAZING talk Leah. Absolutely incredible the way that you articulated yours and so many other's experiences
Wow, Leah! You AMAZE me with your story and speaking skills. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing the heavyweight of masking daily. It's opened my eyes to more understanding. Thank you!!
Great Work . Respect to your courage and really inspiring expressions and your daily fight which is a reality for many people every day .
I'm 28 now. I started masking since 8. I have no idea anymore where the masking begins and ends. I can't undo it anymore, but it's so fatiguing. I often find Isolating is the more comfortable option instead. I'd feel honored tho if someone would ask me to meet in an informal setting. A formal setting however, drains me completely.
And I needed to hear this 44 years ago. Thanks for sharing!
Amazing...amazing...amazing...💝Thank you! You really are the light...
The part about asking others to meet us halfway hit deep. I have so much anger about the more unconscious treating us as if we’re wrong for having a wider perspective.
This is one of the best and emotional videos I've ever watched. I dream of a life where I don't need to where a mask, one where I feel comfortable being myself, vulnerable, spontaneous, and free. Thank you for sharing your incredible courageous journey. It is very inspiring
Thanks Leah. I'm living it, trying my best to be me and fit in. Thank you for speaking up.
Thank you so much. I am a 62 yr old mother of an autistic 27 yr old. I am also ND but undiagnosed. We spent last weekend in the hospital due to an extreme reaction to a anti-depressant medication (he almost died). No one would listen to my assertion that he is oversensitive to medications. The way that we were treated broke my heart. I am sending this link with my letter of feedback to the hospital and I am going to demand that the staff get training in autism behavior and how to respond. Thank you.
This talk gives the movie The Mask a whole different meaning. Thank you for helping me understand myself and my own life through your life. Thank you 🙏🏻
I feel as though you have lived my life other than being put in the institution. My family would just explain to people I was crazy and to leave me alone. As I grew up I learned to be a chameleon around “normal” people. Thank you for your bravery in doing this TED.
This is the most relatable thing I have ever witnessed. You are amazing and are a light in this world. Never stop being you.
8:35 I'm not the only one. Thank you for talking about this. It's isolating when nobody else talks about these little things that add up. Tags are irritating when they rub and these little things apparently never bother large chunks of the population, but they bother me.
As an autistic and ADDer, your experiences parallel mine. It’s heartbreaking.
14:23 Never saw that coming!
As an undiagnosed individual who resonates too much with masking stories, having much luck and aupport in lofe I did have always that one struggle. I know deep down nobody wants to know who I am, but i'm too good as a normal person to completely throw it away. This must be the stuff the greatest artists ever were influenced by. Bless you on this ride, that's very courageous and inspiring 🙏🙏
I am so impressed by your courage ❤️ Thank you for this
As a mum with a 19 year old son with autism, I thank you for this. He is really struggling with most of the issues you have shared. Thank you for helping me see a glimpse into how he may be feeling. I wish you all the best!
Probably the best Ted talk I’ve ever seen 👏🏽👏🏽 great speaking skills 🫡