Sarah Johnson, that's my father's mantra when I and my sister were little. Now that we are all grown up, just like Dr. Ramani said, he kind of lost his power. We are no longer dependent on him and he can not make us sit and endure his crap! Now he could understand how much he lost with his nasty behavior but it's too late. I'm never going to let him close to me. I mean emotionally close. He is no longer relevant
Yeah, this causes bad karma that, eventually, catches up with them, particularly at the end of their lives and if they lose money, status, and power ... I suspect that homes for the elderly are full of those because their families either do not want and/or refuse to care for them or are already so damaged and worn out by their narcissistic abuse and simply cannot care for them .... I wouldn't be surprised that, sometimes, narcs with their evil deeds ultimately set an expiration date on themselves .... NPD is pernicious, for the victims and can be, ultimately, for the victimizer ... one more reason to pay attention to this problem ....
I pray for my children that they one day wake up to his father's abusive behavior. My children are all adults 28, 30, 32. Two of them with children of their own
After a narc relationship of any kind, it is extremely hard to trust but good to recognize that although there are some very sick and evil people out there, the majority of people are decent.
Being conditioned to accept a malignant narcissist as a child will set you up for a lifetime of abuse once you enter the real world. Awareness of this disorder is key. You have to protect yourself by going no contact. For those of you who can’t right now. Plan your escape ,because you matter. We’ve lived a lifetime of hearing these people tell us the we are worthless, unlovable, stupid and incapable. The key here is to realize that these all are lies to maintain their control. From survivor to survivor, my heart is with you.
I always felt like a prey trapped in a cage with my predator. He guarded the cage door and watched me like a hawk. I spent 23 years in that cage, trying not to trigger him so that my kids and I could be safe within the limitations. No one outside knew what was happening inside the cage because he wrote the narrative and I was expected to behave accordingly. I’m thankful I got out and found these videos to help me find my way.
I am happy that you finally found your freedom. I can understand your mental state and wish you lots of love and courage. It would really not be an easy road and may take years to get back old you but at the end it would be worth. 😘😘😘
My adopted narc family treated me like a slave. My narc father would literally guard my door from time to time to make sure I was not studying. There was one set of rules for me compared to the rest of the family. Ugh it was hell. Narcissists are like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment . Blessings to you 😊
The physical abuse escalates. When my malignant narcissist husband put his fist through the bedroom door, I looked at the broken hole and knew that it could have been my face. At that moment I knew I had to leave.
My father did the same, but we couldn't leave .... Until I became old enough to get a job and left at 17. And my brother did the same. Hope you're safe now.
Reactive abuse can lead to acting out in frustration at times. I found myself pounding my hand on a wall when I was being gaslighted by my wife several times. One day my palm went through the hollow part of a wall. I was shocked at how frustrated I was by her abusive treatment of me. Because I was the man; I looked like the abuser, and she used it to cover her actual abusive behavior. They are masters at deflecting people from seeing the truth, even in court. My wife actually bit me on the lip one day; she said she was defending herself from me when she asked me to give her a kiss after an argument, like a dummy I did; the problem with this....was there were three witness who saw her intentionally bite my lip...which was assault. Shocked the “hell” out of me, and it “hurt!”. Here’s the kicker; she love bombed me for a while, and I stayed in the darn relationship. (I still cannot figure out why I stayed.) Reactive abuse is very real by the way; and often the true abuser is ignored by people or unnoticed. It sucks. As a male married to one of these beings; I was a caged bird for a very long time, stuck in a living nightmare for years. I’m out now; except now I have lots of therapy to undergo. 😬
@@bigceazer I finally did leave(after 30 long years). He kept me in a constant state of fear, poverty, subservience. A brainwashing that you can't survive without them. Praise God, He opened my eyes, and gave me the courage to flee from the devil.
Thanks to all the mental health professionals 💜 Dr Ramani has saved my life, I never knew that both of my parents growing up are malignant narcissists. This week has been something.
@A M Yup. I tell a therapist “My stepmom is narcissist” and she says “Whoa whoa whoa, I wouldn’t just say she’s a narcissist”. Clearly uneducated on narcissism and obviously thinks its a fairytale. Even kept redirecting the conversation when I was talking about it
I think the most important thing to do is to know the signs. Love bombing, future faking, you’ll notice small lies, the rage, deflection, manipulation and control (for mine it was his anger), the name calling, discard, and emotional abuse. Educate yourself on the cycle of emotional abuse!! I left mine a week ago and went no contact
Married to a Malignant Narcissist over 30 years. Its dangerous to get out because I knew he'd kill me. At one point he locked the downstairs neighbors in the closet and he climbed in my second story window and came after me. The police came and took him away and they let him out on the corner because he was in the military. Not more than 30 minutes after everyone had gone( except for one smart policeman that must have hidden) found my husband in back of the house in the bushes. He had come after me again. To survive this kind of thing is a true miracle. He was very cunning, very strategic, very masterful, cold, calculating, cruel, and manipulative and could turn on a dime and be the most charming engaging man you ever met. When they get like that it's like a demon in human form. He's dead and I'm still healing. But at least I'm alive to do it!
My mom is a malignant narcissist and it took me until I was 26 to understand that and what it means. My dad divorced her when I was 23 and her vindictive behavior during their divorce and custody battle over my siblings exposed her for what she really is. I was the golden child, on and off in my childhood and my adulthood. She started manipulating my perceptions of family events from early childhood. Once the truth started coming out, I was so confused, and I could not believe that the heartless abusive behavior she was showing was her vindictiveness, her need to "punish," my father. In all of her half truths and lies she always victimized herself. It was really hard for me to unravel the web of lies she spun and I've come to realize the mom I wanted to believe she was never existed. I have cut her out of my life as of 2 months ago, (it helps that I live eight hours away) These videos helped me to stop doubting my judgement and to be able to come to terms with what had happened and what was happening. I'm starting therapy soon, I still have much to work on but I've been feeling better, it has been very hard. Thank you Dr. Ramani I can honestly say I couldn't have done it without you. Your videos helped my dad a lot too. For anybody out there who is experiencing something similar the truth is painful and ugly but embrace the truth. Don't accept the façade.
Hi my evil step monster is/was a malignant narcissist as well. I was not lucky enough to be the golden child or even the forgotten child I was the scapegoat every time. I have been told that the golden child is abused in a very different way than the scapegoat. But when I was willing to have contact with my brothers and other family members I found that some of them were just as abusive as the malignant narcissist was. So I suggest that you and your dad check in with your younger siblings and find out if they felt abused by you or your dad? Asking them will go a long way to clear up misunderstanding caused by gaslighting and manipulation from the narcissist? Wish you and your family well!!
This community is like a second family in a way lmao. For real I feel metaphorically hugged all the time because of this videos and commenting and stuff, it's so supporting I can't even. It feels weird but I kinda of feel love towards the community as a whole
Same here! I feel seen and heard by Dr Ramani in a way I havent in personal therapy. She knows and understands what we're going through. I am so grateful for her and her work. It honestly feels like the confusion, fog and self-haslighting are FINALLY clearing away!!!
When I finally stood my ground with my wife, I found myself in a very messy and ugly divorce. 4 months after she suddenly abandoned me, prior to the divorce occurring, she had found another man to get involved with, and I was left in the wind for saying “No, I will not accept the abusive treatment any more.”🤨 It was like our 32 year marriage never took place; almost broke me completely. I poured a lot into a marriage that was not real.
My narc ex-husband was INCREDIBLY intelligent when it came to knowing what he could get away with. Rather than beating me, he broke my most precious possessions. Honestly, you can break everything your spouse owns and be charged with NOTHING! You see in my country, if you are married, the possessions are JOINT so you can't be charged with breaking stuff YOU OWN. But he only broke things I brought in to the marriage and were my own personal property but the law sees differently. Now all the narcs can read this and smash up all their spouses possessions and get off scott free. I'm hoping if your spouse is doing this, that you recognize the violence is domestic violence directed at YOU and you get out while you can, regardless of the legality of the behaviour.(Remember, it wasn't that long ago that wives were considered property and spouses could treat them however they wanted. Laws aren't always right). His violence kept me in fear, and in the marriage too long.
When you try to get out, it is like you cannot concentrate on anything. They take so much of your power away. I had to work at gaining back my own trust in myself to leave and face what I had to face. Still facing it, as we have a child. The ongoing battles have lasted longer than our actual relationship/marriage.
I understand and feel for you. I'm so sorry you have to live with this. I'm glad you are learning to trust yourself and moving forward, even living in the shadow of their fear & hate.
"Stop caring about them and... depersonalize their reactions." The only thing that's bringing peace! Good, solid advice! It's not about you. It's not their fault. They're not your response.
I had generalized anxiety disorder during this time. I had to constantly look over my shoulders to make sure the narc was not there. In many cases he was!
Hey Amanda Causey! I'm so sorry you have to go through that! I do hope you feel better now and that you start to realize that there are good things in life too! You are worth it! Heal from it and move forward! Try to do things for yourself that make you feel good about your self! Do little things to appreciate life and it will get better! Practice mindfulness, being aware of you're surroundings in the now is really helpful! It helps you to protect yourself from Narcissism especially, now that you have the valuable lessons and tools from Dr Ramani's sessions! Have a nice day!
Oh man that foaming at the mouth, the scariest thing ever plus the demonic eyes while screaming with rage followed by violence. Experienced it all with my partner. Just getting things in order asap then im out!
Thank you for this series Dr. Ramani. You changed my life today. Finally, as a 53 year old woman, I understand my Mother and connected pieces of my childhood to adulthood (incest/no emotional support/life long FEAR/suffocating enmeshment). Being the daughter of a malignant narcissist is hell, and discovering this out is both humiliating and liberating. Now I understand why I brutally cut my mother out of my life four years ago. I don't feel guilty about it any more. I was saving my life. My soul. Hearing these three videos released months of anguish working the 4th step of a 12 Step Program. Shame, guilt, and blame are ooozing out of me. I can let go of abusiveness and self-sabotage. It wasn't my fault.
Dr Ramani Thank you for saving my life. I got out 11 years ago after 20 years of a rollercoaster hell ride of a marriage. My now 2 adult daughters 27 and 31 are impossible to deal with they are still to this day manipulated by their dad through money and they have taken on every trait that you mention of what a Narcissist is. I listen to you sometimes every night before I go to bed. It’s taken me a long time to be able to let go and accept and face the fact my girls won’t ever change. I thought I had one narcissist and that leaving my husband would solve all the problems. Go figure he is a psychiatrist. I feel responsible for not leaving the marriage when my girls were young. Now is now and I’m accepting I did the best that I could at that time of my life.
Hear hear, I’m at a dv shelter. He told me he would hand me off to his friends, who are rough, so he didn’t know if I would make it through. I’ve documented everything, just get out. Dv shelter sucks during covid but it’s better than where I was. He cut me off from any support. I’m 4 weeks out. I’m doing better
The last 2 corporate jobs I had - there were malignant psychos in each office. Both were insanely cruel and literally tortured their "assistants". I remember grown women crying several times out of despair. In all cases these women endured abuse because they desperately needed the income. It is important to avoid such situations - easier said than done but better to strip yourself of a car etc.... than be desperate for a paycheck week to week because you will certainly come across these animals. I was truly shocked to see the cruelty which was not about climbing a corporate ladder but the desire to hurt other human beings.
Always remember that whatever criticisms you have received from the malignant are almost always useless. It's because they felt insecure about themselves or you achieved something, so you got a criticism. It's also not a supportive one like a good mentor, but kind of an unsettling one. That's one of the initial steps to get your mind on track. Support and your hobbies matter a lot! Start pursuing your hobbies and passions, even if you are bad at them because it's the narc that made you lose all the interest. You might also get revenge thoughts, which are uncomfortable, even for you because you would not have thought of them before. It's the Narc in the head talking, not you. It takes time, but works. Cheers!
@@butterflygirl2285 to be honest, all I can say is that it's the life. Those who did not believe you even after knowing you (or even after you make your case to them) are probably the ones you really don't need In your life.
You're right. I never thought of it that way before. Almost everything that used to bring me joy, doesn't anymore. It could be as simple as a song you liked. If they hate the song, they will whip you with it until you associate it with them and turn against it. If they love the song, they will whip you with it, pervert it, until you can no longer stand the song. In short, everything they touch turns to sh*t, in my eyes, anyway.
@@nidhikashyap449 I agree and disagree. I actually have seen pretty decent material ancient literature in my mother tongue (marathi) that I somehow knew about these patterns. However, I still did not see malignant narc creep in my life for years. I suppose somehow they are updating themselves always to function in the world.
Thank you for going into so much detail. These relationships are dark. I had never experienced anything like it in my life. It took me 15 attempts to break free in the end 😐
Ok I thought my husband was a covert but after these 3 videos I know without a doubt its malignant. 😞 I have been through everything you have mentioned. 26 years. Isolated more now than ever. 3 grown children and they know. They have seen and experienced so much sadly. I was in therapy but don't have the resources to do that right now. He would be so bothered and I would most definitely get berated if I did find a way to go back to counseling. He doesn't want me talking to anyone and said he won't go back to therapy with me because the Dr was just on my side and didn't understand him and that she was just a woman siding with a woman....so I am using these videos to help me and our children, and they help so much. They actually see more clearly than I do. Thank you Dr Ramani!
I was in therapy prior to marriage but chose a man therapist so my boyfriend would feel more comfortable but that didn't help (either).... Now, after being together 32 yrs and my enlightenment to his unwarranted rage, yes, he's lost his power, it's been just turned to more ridiculous behavior of his part. These vids are tops, we can do them comfortably and at our relaxed 😌 pace at home 🏡! Blessings!
The X was cerebral /malignant covert NarcoPath. The X is a hybrid. There are several different types/blends of narcissism and various degrees of intensity. They can have several traits of more than one type that overlap. It’s not always black or white but often shades of grey. Regardless of precise diagnosis toxic is toxic.
Glad that your counselor didn't ignore his narcissism. Mine and I assume other ones do ignore it which is fd up because that is the root of all problems. They fear losing clients and money, horrible and malpractice.
@@phoenixrising8007 yes, very true and Dr Ramani has helped me to clearly see that. It takes some determination to keep learning about it because at first I just felt scared and literally ill because I was almost in a panic. Feels like ill never escape but education is the best medicine in our situations.
I understand you. I was 19. Left while she was away from home, with just one backpack with the first necessities. My mother then started the first smear campaign, lying to everyone in my extended family and every family friend, that I left home because I'm an alcoholic prostitute. None of them ever called to check in with me or to offer help. If even one of them would, they would've found out that there were zero element of reality in her lies. The second smear campaign started 3 years ago over a legal battle for my fathers inheritance. That one was even more dangerous, as she lied to everyone that I tried to push her down the stairs and that she is now in fear for her life. I cut all verbal communication with her - only in written form (for evidence), and when necessary, agreed to meetings with her only in presence of several witnesses. A year later she had several strokes, and now my half-brother is taking care of her. Of course, some of the family members and family friends have called me a few times trying to guilt trip me into visiting my mother, because "after all, she's still your mother". Thanks, but no, thanks. Before watching this video today, I could never understand how a mother could do all that to her own daughter. There were times when I tried to rationalize her smear campaigns as coming from a twisted place of worry or over-protectivness, or that maybe she was in fact delusional and actually believed all the things she was lying about. But now, I think I understand - both smear campaigns happened when she lost control over me and had no means to get it back.
@@dardega your story is much like mine, only my father was the narc. I finally left at 25 as I helped him with a side line business he had from age 19. I didn’t tell him anything, only my mom. She didn’t tell him my plans, but didn’t try to interfere either. I literally had to sneak off without warning or I never would have escaped. He was mad as hell when he found out and didn’t want me in their house again for at least 3 years. My mom had to call me when he was out of the house so we could still have a relationship. He finally calmed down and we repaired our relationship. But, he almost lost me forever
@@violetskye6863 My heart goes out to you, I hope you and your mother are well. It's heartbreaking that she had to keep it in secret that she was still in contact with you. I think that children of non-narc parents oftentimes just cannot understand why would an adult child have to literally escape from their parent's house, when normally parents help their children with starting independent adult life and are proud of them.
@@dardega that's one of the most difficult things to deal with, I find. Healthy people from normal families just cannot truly understand - and I don't blame them. We're in crazy territory - it would be worrisome if they could relate to crazy... nonetheless it helps to continue the cycle of invalidation
I had the same issues with my evil step monster (malignant narcissist). Had to sneak away. I was never allowed to use the word step or I would be beaten within an inch of my life!!! Now when contacted by police or private investigators involving issues with her the first thing out of my mouth is "step", followed by, "evil step monster". That one little word snaps people back into reality. So my suggestion to all the other children of malignant narcissists is find the one word that will snap people back into reality.
"FOG" - fear, obligation and guilt. They see our cracks, take a crowbar to them, then take up residence in our hearts, mind and souls like a parasitic hermit crab. Boundaries are a terrifying foreign language to codependents (or SLDs if you prefer), but a MUST. Still working on it. One rung at a time. 😎
"Find a counselor from OUTSIDE the organization". YES, YES, YES!!! If you rely on your organization's EAP to help you deal with a narc boss (esp. someone high up in the organization), the counselor will be unable to help you if things deteriorate- and they certainly will. The counselor will refuse to advocate for you because they are being paid for by the very employer who is abusing you. It is the ultimate conflict of interest. My colleagues and I went through this many years ago. While EAP would provide us with "free" group counselling, the counselor refused to advocate on behalf of the abused employees, despite knowing that some of them were having nervous breakdowns, or were suicidal as a result of the abuse by the senior manager. It was devastating- we felt betrayed. Many of my colleagues became very ill - some developed C-PTSD, some were fired (with no recourse available) and others simply caved into the abuse because they viewed the situation as hopeless. Seriously, if you are experiencing malignant narc abuse at work esp from a manager, it is not the time to fret about paying for an outside counselor- your livelihood and life may depend on this. Eventually, I left the employer's EAP and pursued external counselling on my own, with much better results because I could trust the counselor to be working with MY BEST INTERESTS in mind, and not simply trying to minimize a problem to avoid losing a lucrative counselling contract.
Thank you for your video. I had never heard of a malignant narcissist, but you described my only sibling perfectly. I lived and put up with her behavior until our mother died. My cousin would tell me how she talked about me. The most unbelievable thing was that she feels that my family(I have a good marriage and a close and loving relationship with my children, daughters in law, and grandchildren), should have been her family, and I stole them from her. My cousin feels that she would physically hurt me if she had a chance to. I have no contact with her anymore. I suffer from PTSD because of her emotional abuse and the fear of what she will do next. Her latest thing has been telling everyone that my father wasn’t my real father, because my mother had an affair before I was born. I know that she is lying, yet there is a small part of me that wonders if it could be true. I feel like she stabbed me in the heart with this one. This type of narcissist is evil, and has no remorse. Thank you for the opportunity to vent. I could go on and on for hours about her cruelty.
If your partner has become dangerous and you need help, unless you are being physically abused and have broken bones and bruises to show for it, it has been my unfortunate experience that law enforcement isn't very helpful. Law enforcement can't do much until you've already been hurt, unless you already have a restraining order. But other community advocates are helpful. Reach out to your local domestic violence advocacy organization. They have resources other than shelters. They have links to counselors, help with evaluating the reality of your situation, help with safety planning (which I found to be the most helpful resource), and links to legal aid.
I found law enforcement the same, unfortunately. Narcs "lead" the force, so they are on the narc team. What did Dr Ramani say? They never change! No matter where they are..
Same. I was denied justice, because they saw nothing wrong with what I had gone through. It fills me with rage and sadness that so many people are left destroyed from the inside out, and there’s no one there to protect them. It has to change. There are countries talking about it though, and a few petitions going around for people to sign. But we need it now.
@@Chuleta_9 , from what I understand, the UK now legally recognizes coercive control as abuse. Here in the US, we are far from being able to achieve that.
Rebecca Buschhorn It’s really good it worked out for you, but that’s not the case with so many other victims. My friend was dismissed because she had no bruises. Her abuser had to punch her or break something in order for them to take her serious. I was dismissed, because they viewed it as just another couple with “normal” issues. They were insensitive when they spoke, and had little regards for how uncomfortable it made me to talk about it. Most of them are just the same, or desensitized by how much they’ve seen.
My husband took turns giving our adult kids a hard time as they grew up and moved out. He was losing his power. Whoever was still at home were the ones he made life difficult for. Now he is terminally ill and is growing more angry and more difficult.
That's exactly what happened with my mother - once I married and had kids, I no longer was under her control and it made her crazy. She got even more cruel, more emotionay abusive the more I stood my ground. Going no contact was the best thing I ever did. Good riddance to pure evil. I'm her only child. Let's see what she does when she gets old.
I had two if these diabolical beings in my life at the same time. My ex’s mother is a Malignant Covert Narcissist, she would not take her claws out of her daughter. I felt like a “ping pong ball” between them with their paddles. A flat out living relational nightmare with a toxic mother-in-law acutely enmeshed in my relationship.
My dad was a malignant narc, but everyone on the outside absolutely adore him as a “docile” man and “caring” father. Only being his daughter gave me a chance to see his pathological violence and control
While there has been a lot of talk of their behavior, I would like to understand the victim’s maladaptive behavior more. Why do I do the things I do, what does that look like? More discussion about how to recognize my own behavior and change it is the only power I have.
She has a video where she talks about the signs to look for in yourself, how you feel when you’re in these types of relationships. It’s one of the first I saw so I don’t remember the name :S
.They often use weapons such as money to influence. It is important to think strategically in this regard not to be dependent on them. This is the price you pay for needing their resources.
@@davidf3821 My ex was SO irresponsible, I was always the one working, prioritizing, paying bills, responsible financially. Sometimes, however, dependent or not, even if you didnt 'need their resources'... it still impacts you in the end. When I left, that loss of control, power & his manipulations, hoovering & tantrums not working for the first time in nearly 26 yrs... Before I could BLINK, he cleared ALL of our accounts, closed out 401k, stopped son's health insurance & even hid the cars trying to get us to come back. When that didn't work, he even tried messing with the disability income I was recently living on. So much, that... they spent 2 months halting it until they could 'review', then when they saw it was some bogus b.s., reinstated it. Didn't change that my son & I went 2 months with NO income, after struggling already just before, after all the accts were closed, etc. He manipulated what little family/friends left that we hadn't already been isolated from, so... unsure who to trust. Esp since, 1... told him where they thought we were at because he seemed "concerned"... Another, told me we should give him another 'chance', that it's about 'forgiveness'. smh. As we were being threatened (when ya leave, for some of these people.... it's like, rules don't matter, nor laws...boundaries, none exist... all bets are OFF, they just want control & to win) TO top it off, he ran & filed for divorce knowing position he just put us in.. That I'd surely prioritize my son & him eating... that I'd never be able to pay to file/appear, let alone have any way to get there, to contest anything. Idk to this day if he had someone stand in 'as me' or ?? But somehow, he got it put through in no time... no waiting period, nothing. No child support, no maintenance/alimony (26 yrs together, on/off since H.S... 16+ of, married.. teenage son at time) No division of assets.... nothing. We've been stalked, threatened... We've been total no contact since day 1 & over a year later, we're STILL being looked for... we're still in 'survival mode' trying to put aside anything we can to get our own place vs renting a room we have to share, w/ me sleeping in a chair (w/ back issues) so he can have bed... to get transportation. Hard to think of future or living, when all you do, has to be about merely surviving day to day. Just meaning that even if you were never financially dependent on them or anyone.... it can still end up that way when toxic people try to destroy & no one in your family (who have means, etc) helps or does anything but complain about not being given your address, when instead.. they should be worried & asking about our safety or if we need anything. =/ Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Stay safe & be well.
@@mmanda515 I went through basically the same type of situations. My moms parents worked like animals to their last day and my dad just sits around and lives off it has not worked in 30 years. Than I married a user very similar to the one you describe. That animal not only shared her money but also tried to poison me for months until I caught on and would not eat any open food. Through it all though they are miserable - it is not like normal people doing things that make them happy. They do it with some fantasy that it will make them happy but they are just as miserable the next day.
Char yes, I am needing a lot work. To continuously look for the red flags. To listen to my gut. I had the narcissism in my parents and brother ... lots of DV in our household. Lots of denial and gaslighting by my mother as to the seriousness of the issue. So, go figure I set out to “never have a relationship like hers!” Yet I have had the same dynamics... the denial... the same verbal and not as bad physical threats ... she had the physical abuse. I don’t trust myself anymore to even know if I’m just scared to be involved or if it’s a red flag...or a little of both. I’ve been in therapy a longtime...
I was in a relationship with a malignant narcissist and I still don't really trust myself. My inner voice is always telling me I'm worthless. I feel like I'm slowly getting back to myself, but it's a struggle every day.
I wish that more people understood what it's like, to have a voice in your head constantly telling you that you're unworthy of everything. It is a struggle, but the fact that you're trying at all is a sign of strength. I hope that you're doing better, but remember that recovery isn't linear, we all slide backward sometimes. If you are making an effort to avoid hurting people, you're already a better person than the narc.
@@mattstiefel4806 thank you. I'm having a low day today, and your comment is really kind. My narc ex has left me isolated and without direction. It isn't easy to feel good about myself right now. Thank you.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for these videos. My mother is a malignant narcissist, I grew up in fear & trama! She is now 92 yrs old, it was hell being her care giver since my dad passed away 9 yrs ago. Since this January I've gone no-contact, I now have more peace! ❤
Way to go sugar, I'd called adult protection on mine (81) a few months back, finally she's been committed, people just don't realize what we've gone through, thank goodness for Dr. Ramani, her deliverance from these demons is nothing short of complete perfection!
Looks like we have a lot in common. Now that I've seen this video series, I'll have peace too. I've been so guilt ridden after cutting her out of my life. No more.
Spot on. And please if you call the authorities, make sure you file against them. So many call them and when they come to wherever, the person will not file charges against the narcissist. This is wrong and will only get worse. Please listen, I have been there 🙏
I was the same way for decades. I still get migraines & vomit if I watch too much. It will probably get better but don't expect overnight change. You have my blessings. Keep working on getting beyond the pain Maybe books will work better for you than videos.
I feel like a lightbulb has gone off in my head. I finally have understanding of what’s been going on in my relationship. People have told me my partner is a narcissist when I vent to them but I never really understood or believed it. I am now 100% sure and it seems so clear to me. How have I not seen this?? I really needed this, thank you.
I am so thankful for you. You saved my life really. I have a 1yo with this narcissist. Hes insane. I am a stay at home mom and I cant get a dollar out of him. I've felt suicidal bc of him! I have dead parents and family I dont speak to. He made me lose myself. I know my kid needs me so I said to myself that I can deal w his craziness and expect something to happen when I go to a shelter but my child needs me. I will do whatever I can to keep her from becoming a narcissist. I will not let my child grow up in this environment. I have zero support. Thank u for your knowledge on this. U really saved me and my 1.5yo. We will not expect changes in him and I'm accepting it. Thank you again
Your videos were therapy for me after I quit a job with a malignant narcissistic boss and set strict boundaries with a covert narcissistic childhood best friend. It's been rough...but I'm getting stronger day by day thank you 🙏
Dr. Ramani, I can’t thank you enough for educating this community. You are so informative, engaging, and affirming. Your natural way of presenting difficult topics brings me so much peace. I have been living with my husband narc for 23 years, and we have raised 3 children together. Correction: I have raised 3 children by myself because there is never a true partnership with a narc. They can’t parent or partner because they are incapable of coming outside of themselves and showing caring and empathy. Please keep these these videos coming. Each video is like a soothing balm to my soul. You bring me strength and peace.
Im about 99% sure Ive been working with one of these for 3 years now and Im really fed up with this and am about to leave. thank you for these videos it made it really clear. Wish me luck
Great series once more. One thing I have realized is that my ex’s behavior exemplified both, the Covert and Malignant Narcissist. I have used terms together, because of the confusion. “Jekyll and Hyde” all in one, not separate. She is a Malignant Covert Narcissist in every respect. No wonder therapy did not work for years. I survived and now I am free and working on my recovery. The exhaustion I went through with trying to manage her, left me unable to understand what “healthy normal is” and “what happiness is.” I’m just glad to just simply breathe and am now able to start working my mind, mental state, self love and well being; finally. I got lost in a nightmare for years and years. YellowBird is Freeeeeeee!!!!!!🐥
I was planning my escape from my partner in a way that I would not have to put up with his rage etc but it was all taken out of my hands because he died. I now live the life I love ....a quiet life with my three dogs.
I remember telling myself I felt like an insect in a web and he just watched me squirm. He enjoyed it and he was waiting and watching my soul dwindle away. I had no idea how deep I was in it until I started therapy and researching my severe anxiety. It lead me to your videos. I'm amazed when I watch every video, I feel validated and have more clarity about my experience that I've had the hardest time trying to understand. Finding your videos shook me awake and broke the fog that I had for so long. It truly saved my life. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for having and sharing this amazing channel!
Wow after listening to you this week, I always thought I was dealing with a covert but now I see things differently. I’m constantly in fear and I do my best to not present it to him. I literally don’t know what he’s capable of
3:10 Unfortunately there are many times where law enforcement not only increases the risks to your safety, but allows/encourages it. They give countless "warnings". They tell you to stay away and then when the person harasses you they don't take it seriously so you fawn to keep safe at which then law enforcement sees you as playing victim and ignore the situation even more. I've been in numerous types of relationships- coparenting, romantic, neighbours, etc. and every time law enforcement, family court, etc. made it to worse. The system isn't created for victims, it creates victims.
Thank you for these videos. My mother is a malignant narcissist, and I know she’ll never change. I have to cut her off. Sending love and hope to those dealing with the pain of narcissistic parents💓💓
Of course, Dr. Ramani is right on all accounts, as usual. I say this as a pedestrian and student. I have a malignant narcissist mother who, I suspect it’s possible today, that because she didn’t get any satisfaction of being able to reach me at my job, that I’m not at, due to WFH for the Coronavirus lockdown and because she lost the number I never gave her I’m the first place, because she has disregard for the cease and desist letter I sent her 2 years ago, she may have woken up today with fervor that her mission, as it was 2 years ago, is to ensure she gets that number again and calls whomever she can onsite, whether it’s the guard desk or anyone in manufacturing that may have to be there. It is both irritating and, yes, frightening. But, what’s further frightening is that you get a sense that it really is like a “captured slave” situation. What I mean by this is, not just that the narcissist feels that their scapegoat/slave has escaped, but so would everyone else - other family members and, possibly, other coworkers. The fact that I don’t provide my work number, the fact that I don’t pickup my cell phone on command, is a violation of HER rights as my mother and, my rights? What rights? I have a mother! I’m even in a situation where, as an example, if my boss found out that I moved to avoid my narcissistic mother, there “may” be consequences from her, as well. Why? Because she is from a middle easter country, where the filial piety is off the charts, as far as I know. So, I don’t have any rights that my mother doesn’t grant me and if she grants none, I’m to be appreciative and obedient. But, yes, I’m well aware, that while I’m sitting here working and listening to this video, that while all seems quiet, there can be an enraged panic going on, as my mother tries every phone number and tactic, to ensure I never escape again, although I’ve been living apart from her and never had a problem telling her no for 30 years. I also know that her rage is so blind, she hasn’t considered what may happen, if she finds me. She, likely, feels all will be well and I will be all compliance and smiles - because she decided it. If she goes really awry, she’s going to be quite surprised at how bad it will be.
I was born a HSP (actually before I was born) and my father is a malignant narcissist whose mom was never around and didn’t love or hold him when he was born. I’m the youngest by over 10 years so my understanding of family history is almost nil but because my father was older I was able to sort of break his power hold in the family. They never change just realize they can’t be domineering and try more sneaky ways at controlling. Unfortunately for him I know all his tricks and it doesn’t work on me but for sure no contact is the best but I used him as a sort of mirror to see into my own insecurities and abuse and heal from it. Definitely not the easiest way but I been through a lot I think most would crack. No contact is otherwise best. Important to sit with the emotion don’t ignore or distract yourself of healing will not come with no contact alone ❤️ #freedom
We've been divorced since 2007 and I'm STILL dealing with one bc the courts do not make hard moves here in Florida. Someone needs to educate the ENTIRE judicial system on this!!! I've been shackled to this loser by law. So sick of this!!!
My sister. She purposely snores all night, opens the window, drops and rumbles through things, laughs really loud, turns on the light, and stands over me when I'm sleep and talks in a baby voice. If I make even the slightest sound when she's sleep she yells at me all day.
thank you thank you thank you....i am a 69 yr old woman who is reduced to living in a rented room..i recently had to move yet again..and thought i had found a safe place..turns out i have this person you are describing and I can not afford to move again for now....i set boundaries..which I have to restate regularly..yet this person goes to neignbors and says that i have set boundaries how dare I do that..and harasses me constantly from behind a locked door to my room..it really is overwhelming..these people are relentless..almost everything seems like an injury to them..and they are vicious in efforts to maintain control...this one knows I refuse to be controlled..and I am paying for it...your videos have helped me so much
To understand why this happens and stop the cycle, we have to understand and accept our mammal instincts. As human beings, we like to attach with other people, love them, help them, be part of their lives. So when you are with someone you love, your brain releases oxytocin, and when around by people who you can’t trust releases cortisol. Crying is one of the consequences and the biological necessity after the cortisol release. For this reason, we should always scan our bodies and understand that the experiences we are living in are real. Never doubt your reality and believe in your gut instincts when you feel something is off. Playing the victim role is an easy task for everyone, but excruciating because you lose your power, and let others take the lead. We are born not to be the victims. We are here to experience the gift of life and real love. Have a lovely weekend! Alexandra
Well said but when it's your covert mom you're stuck with her leaky heart instead of a leaky roof, or none at all (roof and heart!).... No wonder those intelligent enough not to follow suit and become narcs themselves are called survivors and thrivers. 😘
Unfortunately, those of us who were raised by a narcissistic parent often don't have gut instincts to protect us. Living with narcissism is our normal. We know it feels bad, but we don't know that life can be any different. That's why we're too often colorblind to red flags.
Amazing breakdown. I worked for a covert narcissist and over a year I gain at least 20 pounds. My body was warning me but my mind was making excuses because I want to believe his false persona.
It's always about them. Grey rocking works when you allow it. What I have learned is to know when to literally "be a rock". Do not move, make a noise, a face, or draw any attention to myself because I am only setting myself up for another bout of crazy-making. I agree with him that he is superior and apologize for my inferiority. I know differently and am stronger than he wants me to be but he cannot see my facetiousness. Never forget who and what you are and always remember, "This too shall pass". Thank you to my grandmother for her wisdom and the most important lesson I have had to learn. Once their ego is appeased things can go back to their normal and once again you are cherished. Just remember, this too shall pass. It is a vicious cycle.
Wow this is exactly my situation..feel trapped because I know if I leave I will have to endure his wrath😣...trying to get the courage tho. Thank you for these videos! I feel better understanding what Im dealing with. Knowledge is power!
I feel so grateful for this series. It really shows how tough what I'm going through is and that I'm actually pretty strong. It shows me the reality of the situation, no sugarcoating or gas lighting just what is. I can deal with more efficiently now that I have the knowledge and since educating myself I've been dealing with it better. When my parents insult me or try to gaslight me I repeat to myself "It's more about them than it is about me. It's more about them than it is about me." When they're being fake nice i don't raise my hopes of them finally having changed, I just know that they want something from me and I just continue the grey rock.
Thank you for this, the first time I went no contact with my malignant narc sister she smeared campaigned me to other family members and friends, this time everyone has their children and busy life and she can't smear, she has discarded pretty much the family because she can't bully and triangulate her way to control us because no one cares about her drama, we all get along without her mean girl type drama.
Malignant narcissists and sociopaths seem to have very many of the same behavioral patterns and character traits, so I’m hoping that, in the future, a video can be made that addresses and identifies the key differences that distinguish the two.
Thank you so much for informing us so thoroughly! Your videos are healing for me because they confirm the mental and emotional state I had when I was with my ex; the fear of leaving, setting boundaries, tolerating behaviours hoping that it will all change etc..I was doubting my own reality. I got close to having a PhD in psychology with all this over-analysing about his behaviour 😅 trying to help him only to see one day that I was wasting my precious energy on a huge black hole. May we all heal, and choose better. Thanks again.
Thank you Dr Ramani. What was so confusing and seemed complicated is now easy to understand. Narcissists are so predictable! Thank you!!! 21 years of gaslighting and confusion is now being filled with hope and joy! It is great to be able to be me again. MANY MANY THANKS - Keep up the great work.
Bingo. That, and primary emotions. What are primary emotions? (There are 6. I call them the "Inside out emotions") -Happiness -Sadness -Fear -Anger -Love -disgust They are the basic human emotions we all have, except people with aspd. Even narcs have these emotions, AND they usually feel it more intensely than regular people. (This can vary though. However, I have been told "narcs wear their emotions on their sleeves") So narcs and regular people have primary emotions. Psychopaths lack more than 1. They don't feel it, never have, at all. For example, my ex (sociopath) can't feel fear, love, and sadness. None, zero. She just can't relate, and has never felt those emotions. How I spot a psychopath now is by using this simple emotion chart. I get to know a person, and then once we have talked for a while (a week or 2), I will ask them if they lack any of those emotions or ask them questions related to the emotions. If the person does not have one or more of these emotions then I usually can tell I am dealing with a psychopath. And so, then I go no contact and leave.
@@specialtwice4975 Malignant narcissists do NOT feel love more intensely than neurotypicals. And, even though they experience moments of happiness, they rarely, if ever, experience contentment.
I want to leave so bad, am I supposed to feel sorry for him because he is supposedly insecure, I’m worn out, He is heartless, scary, you are fantastic Dr. Ramani
I thought I was in a relationship with a neglectful narc but he turned out to be malignant. When I told him to leave or I would get the police to come and assist him, he went crazy, started driving dangerously, doing all kinds of things to put us in danger, little did I know, he had been abusing our kids for a few months too, I went gray rock before this but he would aggravate and upset the kids to get to me. When I was at work he would physically, sexually and verbally abuse the kids screaming in their faces that he hated them, he would physically assault them, brutally from what they told me, he even took them to the park and left them there to walk back on their own, our house is about half a mile away and they would have had to cross busy roads to get home & half of the roads don't have pavements so they have to walk on the side of the road. They're 3&5 years old. Some of what happened to them believe it or not gets really cruel. After they had told me I didn't sleep for a few nights, I was walking around my house shaking and crying, the kids getting flashbacks and night terrors 😭 He told them that if they told me what he was doing I wouldn't believe them and they'd be in trouble so they didn't say anything for months. We're all starting trauma therapy very soon. He has been arrested and is under investigation. It's going to take a long time to heal from this however. I just hope I've got them the help they need so it doesn't negatively effect them in their adult lives
I'm 59 yo & GOD Bless you for DOING the VERY thing my Mother Would Not... Ps my NOTher is 85 & LIKE far to MANY other NOTher's she is far to healthy...
@@keithstewart7514 I'm sorry this happened to you with your mother and father ❤️ If your father treats you like that then he shouldn't be around people. Children need their healthy parent to protect them if something like this happens. I still remember a lot from my childhood and I do for my children want I would have wanted at their age. I also joined some groups to get some insight from survivors that have gone though similar, I want to do my best for them to be able to heal. Did you seek out therapy when you were old enough to be able to advocate for yourself? How has your healing journey been?
Yep, my mom/sister are covert narcissists, my dad is more malignant (maybe a blend). My childhood was mostly me hiding behind my door, barely being able to focus enough to look at the pictures of children's books, even into my tweens.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Thought I was busy going crazy. I was the only one experiencing my husband they way I do. I only recently was told by my psychologist that he is a narcissist. I did not even know this existed. So thank you so much for educating me in this regard. Much love and heartfelt apologies for what each and everyone suffering at the hand of a narcissist is going through...you are not alone...we are not alone. 😥💞
I lost everything I had to a malignant narc who I was engaged to, AND and worked with. She recruited backup from my guy friends/coworkers, and came at me big time. Traumatic is a vast understatement.
Dr Ramani, Thank you! Just what I needed to hear / learn. Now if I can just "unhook" from the inevitable "OH POOR ME" trick - and see it for what it is (Manipulation and NOT TRUTH) - then maybe, just maybe, I can finally break The Spell once & for all! Wish me luck:)
exactly right - this type is so hard to spot. My boyfriend's mother is this type and I'm trying to get him to see that she is using him as supply but he still feels too guilty to cut her off... but I think he's finally starting to accept that his parents were narcs and that he was mistreated and robbed of his childhood. It's crazy how ingrained their narrative can be to us. Like other people said before "only truth can save you but first it's gonna hurt like hell"
I couldn’t get mine out of my house. It was so confusing because prior to him I always thought people would just have a talk and break up. He wouldn’t leave but wanted to psychologically abuse me and live a double life. Ugh. Still healing!
You are a lifesaver! Or should I say a sanity-saver! Do you know you are amazingly helpful. I want to cry with relief to have found your channel. Thank you so much.
I can't say thank you enough to you for these videos. I'm a guy (in the UK) who has spent the last 4 years being confused, baffled, hurt (including physically) at the hands of a woman I adored. After 3 months it started. Lies upon lies about cocaine, alcohol, extortion of other people for money, disappearing for days at a time, only to return to give me severe accusations and verbal abuse as to what I'd been doing. My attempts to have a mature discussion resulted in rage, damage to things, the home, and ME, punches, kicks hot drinks thrown in my face, gifts from my family broken, torn up and destroyed. This was constant for 4 years and I see now I totally enabled this. Your videos have finally allowed me to understand! I had to call the police twice to take her away and it is an utter joy to see and feel my friends and family come back to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!!
I don’t see too many comments from men here. I got out and divorced finalized. But my son Omg you describe exactly what he is just getting out of. Unfortunately in his experienced abuse was literally over the top. Very violent crazy lady. She hurt herself intentionally during rages, threw herself into walls, purposely hurting herself physically, pulled her own hair out. She continually self inflicted injuries upon herself anytime he said he was leaving her. She has done this in front of family and friends, totally witnessed by others.Here is the most atrocious part. She called 911, charged him with assault. Police automatically see her bodily injuries, look past my sons broken nose, cracked cheekbones, bloody bite marks, numerous bite scars, 2 stab wounds and who winds up in jail…not her. Police do not believe the man. My son has done 2 stints in jail due to her accusations and she laughs and brags about it, openly says now I have you where I want you and she does, total control. Very violent lady. Both times, she has gone before Crown recanted, cries that she was just upset, oh dear oh my and nothing has legally happened to her, charges dropped and he us released from jail after a couple of months. While he is in jail the phone calls to him, how much she misses and loves him. Meanwhile she is tormenting the family, texts, threats to family, threats on his life inside jail. She is certifiably nuts! This time he did not go back to her after his release and she is wild, my son has gone no contact and really needs to watch his back as he has no clue as to what the aftermath fully entails. She already had a new fella on the line before she put him in jail for several weeks, this last time. Personally I went through hell for 13 yrs before I ran in secret from my husband. So I understand the hold she has over him, I understand the she still has on him and he is in his first steps of going no contact and has a really long road to recovery. He is lucky she discarded him this time and the cruelty behind her actions is mind boggling. All we can do now is support him. As I told him, your friends and family will reconnect now and he will have a huge support system, we just could not stand and watch her abuse anymore, we had to remove ourselves from the entire nightmare, we are here for him. This lady had no boundaries, she was quite comfortable physically attacking him in front of friends, family, children, I mean no boundaries. Our entire family and his friends would not allow her in our homes or anywhere near us. She totally isolated him. He tried many times leaving her, his biggest mistake was telling her he was done and leaving. Never tell them plan your escape route well in secret, tell no one and run for your life!! I am so glad you got out, these type of narcs are so incredibly dangerous. Healing is a very long process.
@@sjmnanna01 wow Sue. What a story you and your son have. It needs a longer answer than I have time for now, but I will send you huge kindness from the East Coast of Essex in England. Your son (and everyone) deserves a peaceful and happy life. This will come I think when he gets the person who was abusing him out of his life and out of his mind. August 14 will mark 1 year since the police took my ex girlfriend away (for the 2nd time). My neighbours and friends and family made it clear (some nicely, some bluntly) not to have her back, it took me 9 months (April this year) for the switch to switch in my brain... And I can now focus on living a life on my own peacefully and happily. No one deserves the treatment your son had. I hope he has healthy relationships with others he can focus on, ultimately he needs to heal by thinking (many times each day) about his own good qualities, achievements, attributes... All the things the videos talk about... It's vvv hard but it's possible. In April I was still RUNNING from my door to the shed and back if I needed something because I was petrified my ex would call and ' catch' me outside.... Which in her mind meant I was on the way to or back from 'doing something' with a neighbour... Aaarrrgh!!! By May... I turned a corner in my thinking.. It took a particularly nasty phone call from her that made the switch operate in my mind. Till then.. I was still loving, caring, devoted, believing I could 'fix' or change her. ALL the vids say THEY DON'T CHANGE. Hopefully your son will heal.. Tell him Stu in England says it's POSSIBLE and I send him kindness and good vibes. Thank you Sue for your reply. Every positive comment is one more step to healing and better times. Good luck and THANK YOU
So glad we're able to get out and still establishing no contact with 2 narcs. It was horrible, the worst experience we've had, but taught us the greatest lesson and even made us stronger. Grateful for all the learnings.
Working my way through a divorce from a Malignant Narc. Took me many years to understand what I was dealing with. I developed a healthy sense of self during that time, mainly because I was always ALONE while he was off doing "his thing" whatever that was. I took early social security and saved money for the exit while working a part time job to tend to my personal financial needs because he used money to control the marriage. I escaped with the help of loving friends and have been hidden away safely from the spouse--several hours away from the marital residence. Today is mediation day. One step at a time!
You do an amazing job describing the malignant narcissist . I look into the person I lived with for 29 years and I see it all. Been lucky to get out in 2018. I am still using the grey rocks method to keep myself safe hopefully.
My nephew died of cancer. I watched him fight for a year. Malignant cancer. The cancer was an evil entity that invaded and grew. It took over his body and we were blessed that he died before it took over his mind. A narcissist is a malignant cancer. They invade you,cause horrific pain. Parasites to the end. I will honor my nephew,who fought for every minute of life. I Will stay No contact.
Those people are extremely conniving and evil...They can even use the flaws within laws to hurt you if it suits their agenda. Acknowledge the signs, trust your gut feelings and run from those people as soon as possible!
A workplace malignant narcissist ran a covert smear campaign that lead to my dismissal. The whole encounter wore me down mentally and physically. I developed psoriasis because of it. The stress made me sick and put me down for almost two months. That person didn't want me there because I was doing a good job with a fresh viewpoint and getting support. I wished that I went with my gut and just quit, but they knew that I had been unemployed for a while and exploited it. I've learned to find someone who you can trust for a reference because you can never trust a malignant narcissist when it comes to your future. I'm better now and still job hunting...carefully.
So sorry - yes you have to get away because no matter how much money you are making , they will take your mental and physical health - Not worth any amount of money / salary. You have to get out and get away . My life has been nearly destroyed by several of these people over span of 15 years . They are HORRIBLE !
Lived with one for 25 yrs and they are truly horrid. Went through recovery and totally healed. I don’t even watch many narcissist you tubes anymore. From this series I was with a malignant narcissist
Thank you Dr Ramani, I believe that you’ve helped me possibly identify a person who was until recently one of my best friends, and for a time the friend I relied on the most, as a malignant narcissist and probably not a psychopath. The only question I still have though is that he endangered my life twice in the space of less than two hours while skiing a few years ago, which still leaves some room for doubt. I believe either way that he is very likely demonised, since his face used to take on a strange “glazed eyes” look with an unnerving grin on his face when only he and I were in a room as he played bizarre psychological games with me, which he would snap out of suddenly if someone else entered, and he would instantly go back to his friendly and confidently talkative self. He’s also a pillar of his church, has social status and a picture perfect young family and wife.
Dr. Romani I'm not sure of your faith but as a practicing Christian I've come to realize and believe that God reach out to us in many ways. You are one of His conduit of strength, perseverance, and guidance for me. Your talk on narssist is simply phenomenal. Your alluding to the Scriptures is very helpful, may the Lord continue to richly bless you and yours.
Hi Dr. Ramani! First of all I love your videos. They have given a really comprehensive view of how a narcissist behaves and de-mystified a lot for the confusion that some relationships have left me in. I wanted to make a request for a video on healthy dating after narcissistic abuse. As a survivor who also works with DV survivors (so I continually hear client stories) , I find it hard to not be on the constant lookout for red flags. If someone makes gestures like giving me flowers I am super skeptical of if this is a genuine gesture of kindness, or a way to lure me in. I think for a lot of us who grew up in narc households we know the bad, and your videos have certainly validated a lot of what we have questioned, but have no idea what the good looks like :/. Many thanks for what you do!
This is such good advice, in order to both shut down my abusive father and to eliminate his awful family I have disowned all relatives on his side of the family, cut contact with all family friends, and stopped talking to all former colleagues with one exception, who shall remain unnamed to protect them, who has kept our ongoing contact a secret from the whole family. I am SO much happier free of all of my father’s flying monkeys!
Could you explain how some malignants transition from overt to more covert tactics and personality traits as they get older and start losing their more easily accessible supply from the previous overt means. Pretty sure the ones who have made the transition from overt to covert are a more complex form of malignant narcissist given that they can and do pull supply from both angles. I've noticed these individuals spend most of their energy maintaining the victim base overall and use the overt aggressive tactics in order to influence their victim based supply. Sort of setting themselves up in every moment to have access to either forms of supply depending on the reaction and the situation. Thank you.
Narcissist mindset: ‘It’s better to be feared than loved’.
Kind of,! That quote was meant to be for people that were in danger of being attacked by Malignant Narcissists, or other forms of evil.
Sarah Johnson, that's my father's mantra when I and my sister were little. Now that we are all grown up, just like Dr. Ramani said, he kind of lost his power. We are no longer dependent on him and he can not make us sit and endure his crap! Now he could understand how much he lost with his nasty behavior but it's too late. I'm never going to let him close to me. I mean emotionally close. He is no longer relevant
Yeah, this causes bad karma that, eventually, catches up with them, particularly at the end of their lives and if they lose money, status, and power ... I suspect that homes for the elderly are full of those because their families either do not want and/or refuse to care for them or are already so damaged and worn out by their narcissistic abuse and simply cannot care for them .... I wouldn't be surprised that, sometimes, narcs with their evil deeds ultimately set an expiration date on themselves .... NPD is pernicious, for the victims and can be, ultimately, for the victimizer ... one more reason to pay attention to this problem ....
Machiavellian mindset
My father actually said out loud, “I think that children should fear their fathers.” Mission accomplished. He made me hate him too.
What’s really crushing is to finally accept who they really are- after years of hope and gaslighting yourself.
I actually felt a sigh of relief.
Agreed. Especially when it’s someone you looked up to and loved and never suspected.
I pray for my children that they one day wake up to his father's abusive behavior. My children are all adults 28, 30, 32. Two of them with children of their own
yes, I gaslighted myself by telling myself "its just me and my issues"
This is exactly it.
A malignant taught me to never trust,
Everyone is an enemy unless proven otherwise.
Yep 😩
That isn't healthy, but understandable.
Rhushikesh Deshpande it’s sad but true. I feel the same way
Blessings to you. Hope you heal soon.
After a narc relationship of any kind, it is extremely hard to trust but good to recognize that although there are some very sick and evil people out there, the majority of people are decent.
Being conditioned to accept a malignant narcissist as a child will set you up for a lifetime of abuse once you enter the real world.
Awareness of this disorder is key. You have to protect yourself by going no contact. For those of you who can’t right now. Plan your escape ,because you matter.
We’ve lived a lifetime of hearing these people tell us the we are worthless, unlovable, stupid and incapable. The key here is to realize that these all are lies to maintain their control. From survivor to survivor, my heart is with you.
I always felt like a prey trapped in a cage with my predator. He guarded the cage door and watched me like a hawk. I spent 23 years in that cage, trying not to trigger him so that my kids and I could be safe within the limitations. No one outside knew what was happening inside the cage because he wrote the narrative and I was expected to behave accordingly. I’m thankful I got out and found these videos to help me find my way.
I am happy that you finally found your freedom. I can understand your mental state and wish you lots of love and courage. It would really not be an easy road and may take years to get back old you but at the end it would be worth. 😘😘😘
N S, thank you so much for your kind words and support 😍. God bless you!
You describe what it feels like perfectly. I'm so glad you got free! I hope that you and your children are able to move on and heal from this.
Stay strong. I am so happy you got out.
My adopted narc family treated me like a slave. My narc father would literally guard my door from time to time to make sure I was not studying. There was one set of rules for me compared to the rest of the family. Ugh it was hell. Narcissists are like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment . Blessings to you 😊
The physical abuse escalates. When my malignant narcissist husband put his fist through the bedroom door, I looked at the broken hole and knew that it could have been my face. At that moment I knew I had to leave.
Mine did the same thing, but I stayed
@@yeswing10 love yourself enough to leave. trust me you deserve better. dig deep and find strength
My father did the same, but we couldn't leave .... Until I became old enough to get a job and left at 17. And my brother did the same. Hope you're safe now.
Reactive abuse can lead to acting out in frustration at times. I found myself pounding my hand on a wall when I was being gaslighted by my wife several times. One day my palm went through the hollow part of a wall. I was shocked at how frustrated I was by her abusive treatment of me. Because I was the man; I looked like the abuser, and she used it to cover her actual abusive behavior. They are masters at deflecting people from seeing the truth, even in court.
My wife actually bit me on the lip one day; she said she was defending herself from me when she asked me to give her a kiss after an argument, like a dummy I did; the problem with this....was there were three witness who saw her intentionally bite my lip...which was assault. Shocked the “hell” out of me, and it “hurt!”. Here’s the kicker; she love bombed me for a while, and I stayed in the darn relationship. (I still cannot figure out why I stayed.)
Reactive abuse is very real by the way; and often the true abuser is ignored by people or unnoticed. It sucks. As a male married to one of these beings; I was a caged bird for a very long time, stuck in a living nightmare for years.
I’m out now; except now I have lots of therapy to undergo. 😬
@@bigceazer I finally did leave(after 30 long years). He kept me in a constant state of fear, poverty, subservience. A brainwashing that you can't survive without them.
Praise God, He opened my eyes, and gave me the courage to flee from the devil.
Dr. Ramani, I’m a psychotherapist in Dublin, Ireland, and I love your informative talks on narcissism. Invaluable psycho-education.
Bless u for all the work
I definitely feel more educated about psychos after listening to her!
Thanks to all the mental health professionals 💜 Dr Ramani has saved my life, I never knew that both of my parents growing up are malignant narcissists. This week has been something.
@A M Yup. I tell a therapist “My stepmom is narcissist” and she says “Whoa whoa whoa, I wouldn’t just say she’s a narcissist”. Clearly uneducated on narcissism and obviously thinks its a fairytale. Even kept redirecting the conversation when I was talking about it
@@jake90009 sounds like therapist might be a Narc as well...just saying
I think the most important thing to do is to know the signs. Love bombing, future faking, you’ll notice small lies, the rage, deflection, manipulation and control (for mine it was his anger), the name calling, discard, and emotional abuse. Educate yourself on the cycle of emotional abuse!! I left mine a week ago and went no contact
Stay strong, Sister.
Girl same here! ♥️ Lets keep strong
What is the cycle of emotional abuse?
Hang in there God be with you
Ashley look it up for yourself! Not trying to be rude but it’s very important that you understand it
Married to a Malignant Narcissist over 30 years. Its dangerous to get out because I knew he'd kill me. At one point he locked the downstairs neighbors in the closet and he climbed in my second story window and came after me. The police came and took him away and they let him out on the corner because he was in the military. Not more than 30 minutes after everyone had gone( except for one smart policeman that must have hidden) found my husband in back of the house in the bushes. He had come after me again. To survive this kind of thing is a true miracle. He was very cunning, very strategic, very masterful, cold, calculating, cruel, and manipulative and could turn on a dime and be the most charming engaging man you ever met. When they get like that it's like a demon in human form. He's dead and I'm still healing. But at least I'm alive to do it!
May every one here be free of suffering , finds happiness & faith to let go.
Thanks you... ❤
My mom is a malignant narcissist and it took me until I was 26 to understand that and what it means. My dad divorced her when I was 23 and her vindictive behavior during their divorce and custody battle over my siblings exposed her for what she really is. I was the golden child, on and off in my childhood and my adulthood. She started manipulating my perceptions of family events from early childhood. Once the truth started coming out, I was so confused, and I could not believe that the heartless abusive behavior she was showing was her vindictiveness, her need to "punish," my father. In all of her half truths and lies she always victimized herself. It was really hard for me to unravel the web of lies she spun and I've come to realize the mom I wanted to believe she was never existed. I have cut her out of my life as of 2 months ago, (it helps that I live eight hours away) These videos helped me to stop doubting my judgement and to be able to come to terms with what had happened and what was happening. I'm starting therapy soon, I still have much to work on but I've been feeling better, it has been very hard. Thank you Dr. Ramani I can honestly say I couldn't have done it without you. Your videos helped my dad a lot too. For anybody out there who is experiencing something similar the truth is painful and ugly but embrace the truth. Don't accept the façade.
Hi my evil step monster is/was a malignant narcissist as well. I was not lucky enough to be the golden child or even the forgotten child I was the scapegoat every time. I have been told that the golden child is abused in a very different way than the scapegoat. But when I was willing to have contact with my brothers and other family members I found that some of them were just as abusive as the malignant narcissist was. So I suggest that you and your dad check in with your younger siblings and find out if they felt abused by you or your dad? Asking them will go a long way to clear up misunderstanding caused by gaslighting and manipulation from the narcissist? Wish you and your family well!!
I've learned so much wisdom from Doc Ramani
This Doctor is definitely saving a lot of lives around the world
What a great series . what a great woman
We should be very grateful. She is literally saving lives.
Thank you Dr. Ramani!
@@esmeralda8305 millions of lives saved from suicide just by spreading truthful information and really caring about people
@@kymchessall7853 a true gift for us!! Wish her all the best in this world.
Lives and livelihoods alike!
Yes she is💙
This community is like a second family in a way lmao. For real I feel metaphorically hugged all the time because of this videos and commenting and stuff, it's so supporting I can't even. It feels weird but I kinda of feel love towards the community as a whole
I can relate. It's like when Dr Ramani talks it's like she's validating everything I've been through.
That's a sweet sentiment. I bet many feel the same way.
Julia, ikr
Feels closest safest as most will come who's lived it
(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ
Same here! I feel seen and heard by Dr Ramani in a way I havent in personal therapy. She knows and understands what we're going through. I am so grateful for her and her work. It honestly feels like the confusion, fog and self-haslighting are FINALLY clearing away!!!
They hate when you stand your ground, mine boyfriend began cheating when I stood my ground and when I refused to argue with him.
When I finally stood my ground with my wife, I found myself in a very messy and ugly divorce.
4 months after she suddenly abandoned me, prior to the divorce occurring, she had found another man to get involved with, and I was left in the wind for saying “No, I will not accept the abusive treatment any more.”🤨
It was like our 32 year marriage never took place; almost broke me completely. I poured a lot into a marriage that was not real.
@@risingeagle6332 So have I. I know Exactly what you Mean! I'm now leaning g towards releasing myself from all the Drama!😉
There was one that I knew, she hated jokes. And hated when I would play jokes on people. She was a major attention seeker. She was a narcissist.
My narc ex-husband was INCREDIBLY intelligent when it came to knowing what he could get away with. Rather than beating me, he broke my most precious possessions. Honestly, you can break everything your spouse owns and be charged with NOTHING! You see in my country, if you are married, the possessions are JOINT so you can't be charged with breaking stuff YOU OWN. But he only broke things I brought in to the marriage and were my own personal property but the law sees differently. Now all the narcs can read this and smash up all their spouses possessions and get off scott free. I'm hoping if your spouse is doing this, that you recognize the violence is domestic violence directed at YOU and you get out while you can, regardless of the legality of the behaviour.(Remember, it wasn't that long ago that wives were considered property and spouses could treat them however they wanted. Laws aren't always right). His violence kept me in fear, and in the marriage too long.
When you try to get out, it is like you cannot concentrate on anything. They take so much of your power away. I had to work at gaining back my own trust in myself to leave and face what I had to face. Still facing it, as we have a child. The ongoing battles have lasted longer than our actual relationship/marriage.
I understand and feel for you. I'm so sorry you have to live with this.
I'm glad you are learning to trust yourself and moving forward, even living in the shadow of their fear & hate.
"Stop caring about them and... depersonalize their reactions."
The only thing that's bringing peace! Good, solid advice!
It's not about you. It's not their fault. They're not your response.
I had generalized anxiety disorder during this time. I had to constantly look over my shoulders to make sure the narc was not there. In many cases he was!
Hey Amanda Causey! I'm so sorry you have to go through that! I do hope you feel better now and that you start to realize that there are good things in life too! You are worth it! Heal from it and move forward! Try to do things for yourself that make you feel good about your self! Do little things to appreciate life and it will get better! Practice mindfulness, being aware of you're surroundings in the now is really helpful! It helps you to protect yourself from Narcissism especially, now that you have the valuable lessons and tools from Dr Ramani's sessions! Have a nice day!
They are like rabid dogs, foaming at the mouth. Ready to pounce and attack at any moment for any flinch, eye blink, breath.
Oh man that foaming at the mouth, the scariest thing ever plus the demonic eyes while screaming with rage followed by violence. Experienced it all with my partner. Just getting things in order asap then im out!
@@camcor6420 - Hurry! Do NOT back down.
You are a star, Dr. Ramani!
A hero too
And She is so hot😍
If just one of the therapists we had seen over the years had told me 'these patterns will not change,' I would have taken back decades.
"Omg! Who u telling! 😮ME TOO!!!!!!!"
Damn.
Yes, That! So much Yes.
Same
So much wasted time and money with inept therapists. They caused almost as much damage🙄
Thank you for this series Dr. Ramani. You changed my life today. Finally, as a 53 year old woman, I understand my Mother and connected pieces of my childhood to adulthood (incest/no emotional support/life long FEAR/suffocating enmeshment). Being the daughter of a malignant narcissist is hell, and discovering this out is both humiliating and liberating. Now I understand why I brutally cut my mother out of my life four years ago. I don't feel guilty about it any more. I was saving my life. My soul. Hearing these three videos released months of anguish working the 4th step of a 12 Step Program. Shame, guilt, and blame are ooozing out of me. I can let go of abusiveness and self-sabotage. It wasn't my fault.
Kelly C you are right it was not your fault. Blessings to you
Yes! I pray that life treats you well from here on out. 💕
Dr Ramani Thank you for saving my life. I got out 11 years ago after 20 years of a rollercoaster hell ride of a marriage. My now 2 adult daughters 27 and 31 are impossible to deal with they are still to this day manipulated by their dad through money and they have taken on every trait that you mention of what a Narcissist is. I listen to you sometimes every night before I go to bed. It’s taken me a long time to be able to let go and accept and face the fact my girls won’t ever change. I thought I had one narcissist and that leaving my husband would solve all the problems. Go figure he is a psychiatrist.
I feel responsible for not leaving the marriage when my girls were young. Now is now and I’m accepting I did the best that I could at that time of my life.
you did not know then what you know now. congratulations for leaving.👏
Hear hear, I’m at a dv shelter. He told me he would hand me off to his friends, who are rough, so he didn’t know if I would make it through. I’ve documented everything, just get out. Dv shelter sucks during covid but it’s better than where I was. He cut me off from any support. I’m 4 weeks out. I’m doing better
Hang in there. You’re worth it.
I'm so sorry, if not for the grace of God many of us would be there.
Good for you Taylor! Things will get better honestly, I didn’t think it would but there is a peace and joy you can feel from life again xx
The last 2 corporate jobs I had - there were malignant psychos in each office. Both were insanely cruel and literally tortured their "assistants". I remember grown women crying several times out of despair. In all cases these women endured abuse because they desperately needed the income. It is important to avoid such situations - easier said than done but better to strip yourself of a car etc.... than be desperate for a paycheck week to week because you will certainly come across these animals. I was truly shocked to see the cruelty which was not about climbing a corporate ladder but the desire to hurt other human beings.
Always remember that whatever criticisms you have received from the malignant are almost always useless. It's because they felt insecure about themselves or you achieved something, so you got a criticism. It's also not a supportive one like a good mentor, but kind of an unsettling one. That's one of the initial steps to get your mind on track.
Support and your hobbies matter a lot! Start pursuing your hobbies and passions, even if you are bad at them because it's the narc that made you lose all the interest.
You might also get revenge thoughts, which are uncomfortable, even for you because you would not have thought of them before. It's the Narc in the head talking, not you.
It takes time, but works. Cheers!
But, it is really painful when others automatically believe the malignant narcissist without checking the facts, first.
@@butterflygirl2285 to be honest, all I can say is that it's the life. Those who did not believe you even after knowing you (or even after you make your case to them) are probably the ones you really don't need In your life.
You're right. I never thought of it that way before. Almost everything that used to bring me joy, doesn't anymore. It could be as simple as a song you liked. If they hate the song, they will whip you with it until you associate it with them and turn against it. If they love the song, they will whip you with it, pervert it, until you can no longer stand the song. In short, everything they touch turns to sh*t, in my eyes, anyway.
So true, I am having thoughts of revenge. Indians have very less idea of narc and it becomes difficult to make anyone understand what this person is
@@nidhikashyap449 I agree and disagree. I actually have seen pretty decent material ancient literature in my mother tongue (marathi) that I somehow knew about these patterns. However, I still did not see malignant narc creep in my life for years. I suppose somehow they are updating themselves always to function in the world.
Thank you for going into so much detail. These relationships are dark. I had never experienced anything like it in my life. It took me 15 attempts to break free in the end 😐
Ok I thought my husband was a covert but after these 3 videos I know without a doubt its malignant. 😞 I have been through everything you have mentioned. 26 years. Isolated more now than ever. 3 grown children and they know. They have seen and experienced so much sadly. I was in therapy but don't have the resources to do that right now. He would be so bothered and I would most definitely get berated if I did find a way to go back to counseling. He doesn't want me talking to anyone and said he won't go back to therapy with me because the Dr was just on my side and didn't understand him and that she was just a woman siding with a woman....so I am using these videos to help me and our children, and they help so much. They actually see more clearly than I do. Thank you Dr Ramani!
I was in therapy prior to marriage but chose a man therapist so my boyfriend would feel more comfortable but that didn't help (either).... Now, after being together 32 yrs and my enlightenment to his unwarranted rage, yes, he's lost his power, it's been just turned to more ridiculous behavior of his part. These vids are tops, we can do them comfortably and at our relaxed 😌 pace at home 🏡! Blessings!
@@joseenoel8093, I agree!
The X was cerebral /malignant covert NarcoPath. The X is a hybrid. There are several different types/blends of narcissism and various degrees of intensity. They can have several traits of more than one type that overlap. It’s not always black or white but often shades of grey. Regardless of precise diagnosis toxic is toxic.
Glad that your counselor didn't ignore his narcissism. Mine and I assume other ones do ignore it which is fd up because that is the root of all problems. They fear losing clients and money, horrible and malpractice.
@@phoenixrising8007 yes, very true and Dr Ramani has helped me to clearly see that. It takes some determination to keep learning about it because at first I just felt scared and literally ill because I was almost in a panic. Feels like ill never escape but education is the best medicine in our situations.
I couldn't even tell my maligned mother I was moving out at 18 yrs old due to so much fear. At 18 I snuck out my window and ran away.
I understand you. I was 19. Left while she was away from home, with just one backpack with the first necessities. My mother then started the first smear campaign, lying to everyone in my extended family and every family friend, that I left home because I'm an alcoholic prostitute. None of them ever called to check in with me or to offer help. If even one of them would, they would've found out that there were zero element of reality in her lies.
The second smear campaign started 3 years ago over a legal battle for my fathers inheritance. That one was even more dangerous, as she lied to everyone that I tried to push her down the stairs and that she is now in fear for her life. I cut all verbal communication with her - only in written form (for evidence), and when necessary, agreed to meetings with her only in presence of several witnesses. A year later she had several strokes, and now my half-brother is taking care of her. Of course, some of the family members and family friends have called me a few times trying to guilt trip me into visiting my mother, because "after all, she's still your mother". Thanks, but no, thanks.
Before watching this video today, I could never understand how a mother could do all that to her own daughter. There were times when I tried to rationalize her smear campaigns as coming from a twisted place of worry or over-protectivness, or that maybe she was in fact delusional and actually believed all the things she was lying about. But now, I think I understand - both smear campaigns happened when she lost control over me and had no means to get it back.
@@dardega your story is much like mine, only my father was the narc. I finally left at 25 as I helped him with a side line business he had from age 19. I didn’t tell him anything, only my mom. She didn’t tell him my plans, but didn’t try to interfere either. I literally had to sneak off without warning or I never would have escaped. He was mad as hell when he found out and didn’t want me in their house again for at least 3 years. My mom had to call me when he was out of the house so we could still have a relationship. He finally calmed down and we repaired our relationship. But, he almost lost me forever
@@violetskye6863 My heart goes out to you, I hope you and your mother are well. It's heartbreaking that she had to keep it in secret that she was still in contact with you.
I think that children of non-narc parents oftentimes just cannot understand why would an adult child have to literally escape from their parent's house, when normally parents help their children with starting independent adult life and are proud of them.
@@dardega that's one of the most difficult things to deal with, I find. Healthy people from normal families just cannot truly understand - and I don't blame them. We're in crazy territory - it would be worrisome if they could relate to crazy... nonetheless it helps to continue the cycle of invalidation
I had the same issues with my evil step monster (malignant narcissist). Had to sneak away. I was never allowed to use the word step or I would be beaten within an inch of my life!!! Now when contacted by police or private investigators involving issues with her the first thing out of my mouth is "step", followed by, "evil step monster". That one little word snaps people back into reality. So my suggestion to all the other children of malignant narcissists is find the one word that will snap people back into reality.
"FOG" - fear, obligation and guilt. They see our cracks, take a crowbar to them, then take up residence in our hearts, mind and souls like a parasitic hermit crab. Boundaries are a terrifying foreign language to codependents (or SLDs if you prefer), but a MUST. Still working on it. One rung at a time. 😎
Thank you Dr. Ramini. It’s crazy, I have to think twice before leaving a comment bc I’m worried somehow the Narc will see. Retaliation is his “thing”.
I feel you a 100!!!
Same!!!!
"Find a counselor from OUTSIDE the organization". YES, YES, YES!!! If you rely on your organization's EAP to help you deal with a narc boss (esp. someone high up in the organization), the counselor will be unable to help you if things deteriorate- and they certainly will. The counselor will refuse to advocate for you because they are being paid for by the very employer who is abusing you. It is the ultimate conflict of interest. My colleagues and I went through this many years ago. While EAP would provide us with "free" group counselling, the counselor refused to advocate on behalf of the abused employees, despite knowing that some of them were having nervous breakdowns, or were suicidal as a result of the abuse by the senior manager. It was devastating- we felt betrayed. Many of my colleagues became very ill - some developed C-PTSD, some were fired (with no recourse available) and others simply caved into the abuse because they viewed the situation as hopeless. Seriously, if you are experiencing malignant narc abuse at work esp from a manager, it is not the time to fret about paying for an outside counselor- your livelihood and life may depend on this. Eventually, I left the employer's EAP and pursued external counselling on my own, with much better results because I could trust the counselor to be working with MY BEST INTERESTS in mind, and not simply trying to minimize a problem to avoid losing a lucrative counselling contract.
Couldn't manage it, tried. Got out.
Thank you for your video. I had never heard of a malignant narcissist, but you described my only sibling perfectly. I lived and put up with her behavior until our mother died. My cousin would tell me how she talked about me. The most unbelievable thing was that she feels that my family(I have a good marriage and a close and loving relationship with my children, daughters in law, and grandchildren), should have been her family, and I stole them from her. My cousin feels that she would physically hurt me if she had a chance to. I have no contact with her anymore. I suffer from PTSD because of her emotional abuse and the fear of what she will do next. Her latest thing has been telling everyone that my father wasn’t my real father, because my mother had an affair before I was born. I know that she is lying, yet there is a small part of me that wonders if it could be true. I feel like she stabbed me in the heart with this one. This type of narcissist is evil, and has no remorse. Thank you for the opportunity to vent. I could go on and on for hours about her cruelty.
I don't know how I survived before without Dr. Ramani. Lifetime spent in therapy and I've learned SO much in such a short time from her!
If your partner has become dangerous and you need help, unless you are being physically abused and have broken bones and bruises to show for it, it has been my unfortunate experience that law enforcement isn't very helpful. Law enforcement can't do much until you've already been hurt, unless you already have a restraining order. But other community advocates are helpful. Reach out to your local domestic violence advocacy organization. They have resources other than shelters. They have links to counselors, help with evaluating the reality of your situation, help with safety planning (which I found to be the most helpful resource), and links to legal aid.
I found law enforcement the same, unfortunately. Narcs "lead" the force, so they are on the narc team. What did Dr Ramani say? They never change! No matter where they are..
Same. I was denied justice, because they saw nothing wrong with what I had gone through. It fills me with rage and sadness that so many people are left destroyed from the inside out, and there’s no one there to protect them. It has to change.
There are countries talking about it though, and a few petitions going around for people to sign. But we need it now.
@@Chuleta_9 , from what I understand, the UK now legally recognizes coercive control as abuse. Here in the US, we are far from being able to achieve that.
Geneva Lawrence Yes, you are correct. The only place in the U.S. that recognizes this type of abuse is New York.
Rebecca Buschhorn It’s really good it worked out for you, but that’s not the case with so many other victims. My friend was dismissed because she had no bruises. Her abuser had to punch her or break something in order for them to take her serious. I was dismissed, because they viewed it as just another couple with “normal” issues. They were insensitive when they spoke, and had little regards for how uncomfortable it made me to talk about it. Most of them are just the same, or desensitized by how much they’ve seen.
My husband took turns giving our adult kids a hard time as they grew up and moved out. He was losing his power. Whoever was still at home were the ones he made life difficult for. Now he is terminally ill and is growing more angry and more difficult.
That's exactly what happened with my mother - once I married and had kids, I no longer was under her control and it made her crazy. She got even more cruel, more emotionay abusive the more I stood my ground. Going no contact was the best thing I ever did. Good riddance to pure evil. I'm her only child. Let's see what she does when she gets old.
I had two if these diabolical beings in my life at the same time. My ex’s mother is a Malignant Covert Narcissist, she would not take her claws out of her daughter.
I felt like a “ping pong ball” between them with their paddles. A flat out living relational nightmare with a toxic mother-in-law acutely enmeshed in my relationship.
They get worse. No contact all the way. 😢
My dad was a malignant narc, but everyone on the outside absolutely adore him as a “docile” man and “caring” father. Only being his daughter gave me a chance to see his pathological violence and control
While there has been a lot of talk of their behavior, I would like to understand the victim’s maladaptive behavior more. Why do I do the things I do, what does that look like? More discussion about how to recognize my own behavior and change it is the only power I have.
She has a video where she talks about the signs to look for in yourself, how you feel when you’re in these types of relationships. It’s one of the first I saw so I don’t remember the name :S
.They often use weapons such as money to influence. It is important to think strategically in this regard not to be dependent on them. This is the price you pay for needing their resources.
@@davidf3821 My ex was SO irresponsible, I was always the one working, prioritizing, paying bills, responsible financially. Sometimes, however, dependent or not, even if you didnt 'need their resources'... it still impacts you in the end. When I left, that loss of control, power & his manipulations, hoovering & tantrums not working for the first time in nearly 26 yrs... Before I could BLINK, he cleared ALL of our accounts, closed out 401k, stopped son's health insurance & even hid the cars trying to get us to come back. When that didn't work, he even tried messing with the disability income I was recently living on. So much, that... they spent 2 months halting it until they could 'review', then when they saw it was some bogus b.s., reinstated it. Didn't change that my son & I went 2 months with NO income, after struggling already just before, after all the accts were closed, etc. He manipulated what little family/friends left that we hadn't already been isolated from, so... unsure who to trust. Esp since, 1... told him where they thought we were at because he seemed "concerned"... Another, told me we should give him another 'chance', that it's about 'forgiveness'. smh. As we were being threatened (when ya leave, for some of these people.... it's like, rules don't matter, nor laws...boundaries, none exist... all bets are OFF, they just want control & to win) TO top it off, he ran & filed for divorce knowing position he just put us in.. That I'd surely prioritize my son & him eating... that I'd never be able to pay to file/appear, let alone have any way to get there, to contest anything. Idk to this day if he had someone stand in 'as me' or ?? But somehow, he got it put through in no time... no waiting period, nothing. No child support, no maintenance/alimony (26 yrs together, on/off since H.S... 16+ of, married.. teenage son at time) No division of assets.... nothing. We've been stalked, threatened... We've been total no contact since day 1 & over a year later, we're STILL being looked for... we're still in 'survival mode' trying to put aside anything we can to get our own place vs renting a room we have to share, w/ me sleeping in a chair (w/ back issues) so he can have bed... to get transportation. Hard to think of future or living, when all you do, has to be about merely surviving day to day. Just meaning that even if you were never financially dependent on them or anyone.... it can still end up that way when toxic people try to destroy & no one in your family (who have means, etc) helps or does anything but complain about not being given your address, when instead.. they should be worried & asking about our safety or if we need anything. =/ Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Stay safe & be well.
@@mmanda515 I went through basically the same type of situations. My moms parents worked like animals to their last day and my dad just sits around and lives off it has not worked in 30 years. Than I married a user very similar to the one you describe. That animal not only shared her money but also tried to poison me for months until I caught on and would not eat any open food. Through it all though they are miserable - it is not like normal people doing things that make them happy. They do it with some fantasy that it will make them happy but they are just as miserable the next day.
Char yes, I am needing a lot work. To continuously look for the red flags. To listen to my gut. I had the narcissism in my parents and brother ... lots of DV in our household. Lots of denial and gaslighting by my mother as to the seriousness of the issue. So, go figure I set out to “never have a relationship like hers!” Yet I have had the same dynamics... the denial... the same verbal and not as bad physical threats ... she had the physical abuse. I don’t trust myself anymore to even know if I’m just scared to be involved or if it’s a red flag...or a little of both. I’ve been in therapy a longtime...
I was in a relationship with a malignant narcissist and I still don't really trust myself. My inner voice is always telling me I'm worthless. I feel like I'm slowly getting back to myself, but it's a struggle every day.
I wish that more people understood what it's like, to have a voice in your head constantly telling you that you're unworthy of everything. It is a struggle, but the fact that you're trying at all is a sign of strength. I hope that you're doing better, but remember that recovery isn't linear, we all slide backward sometimes. If you are making an effort to avoid hurting people, you're already a better person than the narc.
@@mattstiefel4806 thank you. I'm having a low day today, and your comment is really kind. My narc ex has left me isolated and without direction. It isn't easy to feel good about myself right now. Thank you.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for these videos. My mother is a malignant narcissist, I grew up in fear & trama! She is now 92 yrs old, it was hell being her care giver since my dad passed away 9 yrs ago. Since this January I've gone no-contact, I now have more peace! ❤
Way to go sugar, I'd called adult protection on mine (81) a few months back, finally she's been committed, people just don't realize what we've gone through, thank goodness for Dr. Ramani, her deliverance from these demons is nothing short of complete perfection!
Looks like we have a lot in common. Now that I've seen this video series, I'll have peace too. I've been so guilt ridden after cutting her out of my life. No more.
I went no contact with mine 3 years ago. I found these videos this year. It has helped me
My NOTher is 84 as healthy as she is evil
Spot on. And please if you call the authorities, make sure you file against them. So many call them and when they come to wherever, the person will not file charges against the narcissist. This is wrong and will only get worse. Please listen, I have been there 🙏
The flashbacks are so unnerving, I can't finish this video. That's how spot on Dr Ramani is 😳
I was the same way for decades. I still get migraines & vomit if I watch too much. It will probably get better but don't expect overnight change. You have my blessings. Keep working on getting beyond the pain
Maybe books will work better for you than videos.
I feel like a lightbulb has gone off in my head. I finally have understanding of what’s been going on in my relationship. People have told me my partner is a narcissist when I vent to them but I never really understood or believed it. I am now 100% sure and it seems so clear to me. How have I not seen this?? I really needed this, thank you.
I am so thankful for you. You saved my life really. I have a 1yo with this narcissist. Hes insane. I am a stay at home mom and I cant get a dollar out of him. I've felt suicidal bc of him! I have dead parents and family I dont speak to. He made me lose myself. I know my kid needs me so I said to myself that I can deal w his craziness and expect something to happen when I go to a shelter but my child needs me. I will do whatever I can to keep her from becoming a narcissist. I will not let my child grow up in this environment. I have zero support. Thank u for your knowledge on this. U really saved me and my 1.5yo. We will not expect changes in him and I'm accepting it. Thank you again
Your videos were therapy for me after I quit a job with a malignant narcissistic boss and set strict boundaries with a covert narcissistic childhood best friend. It's been rough...but I'm getting stronger day by day thank you 🙏
Yes day by day, thank goodness because the nights, wee hours are quite rough!
@@joseenoel8093 100000% 😞
Dr. Ramani, I can’t thank you enough for educating this community. You are so informative, engaging, and affirming. Your natural way of presenting difficult topics brings me so much peace. I have been living with my husband narc for 23 years, and we have raised 3 children together. Correction: I have raised 3 children by myself because there is never a true partnership with a narc. They can’t parent or partner because they are incapable of coming outside of themselves and showing caring and empathy. Please keep these these videos coming. Each video is like a soothing balm to my soul. You bring me strength and peace.
Im about 99% sure Ive been working with one of these for 3 years now and Im really fed up with this and am about to leave. thank you for these videos it made it really clear. Wish me luck
Great series once more. One thing I have realized is that my ex’s behavior exemplified both, the Covert and Malignant Narcissist.
I have used terms together, because of the confusion. “Jekyll and Hyde” all in one, not separate.
She is a Malignant Covert Narcissist in every respect. No wonder therapy did not work for years.
I survived and now I am free and working on my recovery. The exhaustion I went through with trying to manage her, left me unable to understand what “healthy normal is” and “what happiness is.”
I’m just glad to just simply breathe and am now able to start working my mind, mental state, self love and well being; finally.
I got lost in a nightmare for years and years. YellowBird is Freeeeeeee!!!!!!🐥
I was planning my escape from my partner in a way that I would not have to put up with his rage etc but it was all taken out of my hands because he died. I now live the life I love ....a quiet life with my three dogs.
Don't manage! Nothing can be managed with these narcs.Just flush them off.
It's not always that simple. It can be dangerous to leave a malignant narcissist. It needs to be done carefully.
Don't think managing is the answer, I guess. I say that because just saw it and thought, ok, I will manage it. Never considering getting away from it.
And fear being murdered
I remember telling myself I felt like an insect in a web and he just watched me squirm. He enjoyed it and he was waiting and watching my soul dwindle away. I had no idea how deep I was in it until I started therapy and researching my severe anxiety. It lead me to your videos. I'm amazed when I watch every video, I feel validated and have more clarity about my experience that I've had the hardest time trying to understand. Finding your videos shook me awake and broke the fog that I had for so long. It truly saved my life. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for having and sharing this amazing channel!
Wow after listening to you this week, I always thought I was dealing with a covert but now I see things differently. I’m constantly in fear and I do my best to not present it to him. I literally don’t know what he’s capable of
How are you doing now?
3:10
Unfortunately there are many times where law enforcement not only increases the risks to your safety, but allows/encourages it.
They give countless "warnings". They tell you to stay away and then when the person harasses you they don't take it seriously so you fawn to keep safe at which then law enforcement sees you as playing victim and ignore the situation even more.
I've been in numerous types of relationships- coparenting, romantic, neighbours, etc. and every time law enforcement, family court, etc. made it to worse. The system isn't created for victims, it creates victims.
Thank you for these videos. My mother is a malignant narcissist, and I know she’ll never change. I have to cut her off. Sending love and hope to those dealing with the pain of narcissistic parents💓💓
Of course, Dr. Ramani is right on all accounts, as usual. I say this as a pedestrian and student.
I have a malignant narcissist mother who, I suspect it’s possible today, that because she didn’t get any satisfaction of being able to reach me at my job, that I’m not at, due to WFH for the Coronavirus lockdown and because she lost the number I never gave her I’m the first place, because she has disregard for the cease and desist letter I sent her 2 years ago, she may have woken up today with fervor that her mission, as it was 2 years ago, is to ensure she gets that number again and calls whomever she can onsite, whether it’s the guard desk or anyone in manufacturing that may have to be there. It is both irritating and, yes, frightening.
But, what’s further frightening is that you get a sense that it really is like a “captured slave” situation. What I mean by this is, not just that the narcissist feels that their scapegoat/slave has escaped, but so would everyone else - other family members and, possibly, other coworkers. The fact that I don’t provide my work number, the fact that I don’t pickup my cell phone on command, is a violation of HER rights as my mother and, my rights? What rights? I have a mother! I’m even in a situation where, as an example, if my boss found out that I moved to avoid my narcissistic mother, there “may” be consequences from her, as well. Why? Because she is from a middle easter country, where the filial piety is off the charts, as far as I know. So, I don’t have any rights that my mother doesn’t grant me and if she grants none, I’m to be appreciative and obedient.
But, yes, I’m well aware, that while I’m sitting here working and listening to this video, that while all seems quiet, there can be an enraged panic going on, as my mother tries every phone number and tactic, to ensure I never escape again, although I’ve been living apart from her and never had a problem telling her no for 30 years. I also know that her rage is so blind, she hasn’t considered what may happen, if she finds me. She, likely, feels all will be well and I will be all compliance and smiles - because she decided it. If she goes really awry, she’s going to be quite surprised at how bad it will be.
I was born a HSP (actually before I was born) and my father is a malignant narcissist whose mom was never around and didn’t love or hold him when he was born.
I’m the youngest by over 10 years so my understanding of family history is almost nil but because my father was older I was able to sort of break his power hold in the family.
They never change just realize they can’t be domineering and try more sneaky ways at controlling.
Unfortunately for him I know all his tricks and it doesn’t work on me but for sure no contact is the best but I used him as a sort of mirror to see into my own insecurities and abuse and heal from it.
Definitely not the easiest way but I been through a lot I think most would crack. No contact is otherwise best.
Important to sit with the emotion don’t ignore or distract yourself of healing will not come with no contact alone ❤️
#freedom
We've been divorced since 2007 and I'm STILL dealing with one bc the courts do not make hard moves here in Florida. Someone needs to educate the ENTIRE judicial system on this!!! I've been shackled to this loser by law. So sick of this!!!
27 years in the cage I’m isolated to the max scared of evrything thank god the world opened
Survivors of this type of abuse are very strong individuals !!
They even put us through loud obnoxious noise campains when they don't get their way .
Yes!
My sister. She purposely snores all night, opens the window, drops and rumbles through things, laughs really loud, turns on the light, and stands over me when I'm sleep and talks in a baby voice. If I make even the slightest sound when she's sleep she yells at me all day.
You are so right. They get you with sleep deprivation! It was like a POW Camp
@@pandoraw259 Move out as soon as you can. Have a sister like that aswell, just get out and minimize contact for the rest of you life.
thank you thank you thank you....i am a 69 yr old woman who is reduced to living in a rented room..i recently had to move yet again..and thought i had found a safe place..turns out i have this person you are describing and I can not afford to move again for now....i set boundaries..which I have to restate regularly..yet this person goes to neignbors and says that i have set boundaries how dare I do that..and harasses me constantly from behind a locked door to my room..it really is overwhelming..these people are relentless..almost everything seems like an injury to them..and they are vicious in efforts to maintain control...this one knows I refuse to be controlled..and I am paying for it...your videos have helped me so much
To understand why this happens and stop the cycle, we have to understand and accept our mammal instincts. As human beings, we like to attach with other people, love them, help them, be part of their lives. So when you are with someone you love, your brain releases oxytocin, and when around by people who you can’t trust releases cortisol.
Crying is one of the consequences and the biological necessity after the cortisol release. For this reason, we should always scan our bodies and understand that the experiences we are living in are real.
Never doubt your reality and believe in your gut instincts when you feel something is off. Playing the victim role is an easy task for everyone, but excruciating because you lose your power, and let others take the lead.
We are born not to be the victims. We are here to experience the gift of life and real love.
Have a lovely weekend!
Alexandra
Well said but when it's your covert mom you're stuck with her leaky heart instead of a leaky roof, or none at all (roof and heart!).... No wonder those intelligent enough not to follow suit and become narcs themselves are called survivors and thrivers. 😘
Unfortunately, those of us who were raised by a narcissistic parent often don't have gut instincts to protect us. Living with narcissism is our normal. We know it feels bad, but we don't know that life can be any different. That's why we're too often colorblind to red flags.
@@genevalawrence801 now you know and you can spread the word. Educate yourself and others. The past is the past 😘
@@joseenoel8093 the power is within your hands and heart... Always remember that you are the most important, fundamental person in your life 😘
Amazing breakdown. I worked for a covert narcissist and over a year I gain at least 20 pounds. My body was warning me but my mind was making excuses because I want to believe his false persona.
Fear, yes, I left because of the extreme fear and everything you mention💔 Thank you for so much needed clarity, education, and awareness❤
It's always about them. Grey rocking works when you allow it. What I have learned is to know when to literally "be a rock". Do not move, make a noise, a face, or draw any attention to myself because I am only setting myself up for another bout of crazy-making. I agree with him that he is superior and apologize for my inferiority. I know differently and am stronger than he wants me to be but he cannot see my facetiousness. Never forget who and what you are and always remember, "This too shall pass". Thank you to my grandmother for her wisdom and the most important lesson I have had to learn. Once their ego is appeased things can go back to their normal and once again you are cherished. Just remember, this too shall pass. It is a vicious cycle.
Leave the relationship!!
Leave the relationship!!
Contacting local authorities yields next to nothing, they are clueless. These type manipulate judges, don't mind the police
So true
Contact a domestic violence group an advocate will help you
They usually pay off judges, doctors, police if they have the finances. It's about them succeeding, spirit of lawlessness.
@@ediereno4630 Exactly!! They are about control, drama and money, lawless indeed!
Wow this is exactly my situation..feel trapped because I know if I leave I will have to endure his wrath😣...trying to get the courage tho. Thank you for these videos! I feel better understanding what Im dealing with. Knowledge is power!
I am RIGHT there with you... God BLESS you and i pray for protection, guidance, peace and joy in Jesus' Mighty Name.....
I hope you made it out❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani, thank you so much and best greetings from Indonesia 🌺❤️
I feel so grateful for this series. It really shows how tough what I'm going through is and that I'm actually pretty strong. It shows me the reality of the situation, no sugarcoating or gas lighting just what is. I can deal with more efficiently now that I have the knowledge and since educating myself I've been dealing with it better. When my parents insult me or try to gaslight me I repeat to myself "It's more about them than it is about me. It's more about them than it is about me." When they're being fake nice i don't raise my hopes of them finally having changed, I just know that they want something from me and I just continue the grey rock.
The algorithm is so good!
Thank you for this, the first time I went no contact with my malignant narc sister she smeared campaigned me to other family members and friends, this time everyone has their children and busy life and she can't smear, she has discarded pretty much the family because she can't bully and triangulate her way to control us because no one cares about her drama, we all get along without her mean girl type drama.
I finally now know my ex boss was a malignant narcissist! It's so miserable to be in a workplace with these idiots ! 15 years of it was awful 😞
Malignant narcissists and sociopaths seem to have very many of the same behavioral patterns and character traits, so I’m hoping that, in the future, a video can be made that addresses and identifies the key differences that distinguish the two.
You don't know how many lives you are saving Dr.Ramani.
Thank you so much for informing us so thoroughly! Your videos are healing for me because they confirm the mental and emotional state I had when I was with my ex; the fear of leaving, setting boundaries, tolerating behaviours hoping that it will all change etc..I was doubting my own reality. I got close to having a PhD in psychology with all this over-analysing about his behaviour 😅 trying to help him only to see one day that I was wasting my precious energy on a huge black hole. May we all heal, and choose better. Thanks again.
Thank you Dr Ramani. What was so confusing and seemed complicated is now easy to understand. Narcissists are so predictable! Thank you!!! 21 years of gaslighting and confusion is now being filled with hope and joy! It is great to be able to be me again. MANY MANY THANKS - Keep up the great work.
I think another difference between Malignant and Psychopath is insecurity.
Bingo.
That, and primary emotions.
What are primary emotions? (There are 6. I call them the "Inside out emotions")
-Happiness
-Sadness
-Fear
-Anger
-Love
-disgust
They are the basic human emotions we all have, except people with aspd. Even narcs have these emotions, AND they usually feel it more intensely than regular people. (This can vary though. However, I have been told "narcs wear their emotions on their sleeves")
So narcs and regular people have primary emotions. Psychopaths lack more than 1. They don't feel it, never have, at all.
For example, my ex (sociopath) can't feel fear, love, and sadness. None, zero. She just can't relate, and has never felt those emotions.
How I spot a psychopath now is by using this simple emotion chart. I get to know a person, and then once we have talked for a while (a week or 2), I will ask them if they lack any of those emotions or ask them questions related to the emotions. If the person does not have one or more of these emotions then I usually can tell I am dealing with a psychopath. And so, then I go no contact and leave.
@@specialtwice4975 Malignant narcissists do NOT feel love more intensely than neurotypicals. And, even though they experience moments of happiness, they rarely, if ever, experience contentment.
I want to leave so bad, am I supposed to feel sorry for him because he is supposedly insecure, I’m worn out, He is heartless, scary, you are fantastic Dr. Ramani
I thought I was in a relationship with a neglectful narc but he turned out to be malignant. When I told him to leave or I would get the police to come and assist him, he went crazy, started driving dangerously, doing all kinds of things to put us in danger, little did I know, he had been abusing our kids for a few months too, I went gray rock before this but he would aggravate and upset the kids to get to me. When I was at work he would physically, sexually and verbally abuse the kids screaming in their faces that he hated them, he would physically assault them, brutally from what they told me, he even took them to the park and left them there to walk back on their own, our house is about half a mile away and they would have had to cross busy roads to get home & half of the roads don't have pavements so they have to walk on the side of the road. They're 3&5 years old. Some of what happened to them believe it or not gets really cruel. After they had told me I didn't sleep for a few nights, I was walking around my house shaking and crying, the kids getting flashbacks and night terrors 😭 He told them that if they told me what he was doing I wouldn't believe them and they'd be in trouble so they didn't say anything for months. We're all starting trauma therapy very soon. He has been arrested and is under investigation. It's going to take a long time to heal from this however. I just hope I've got them the help they need so it doesn't negatively effect them in their adult lives
I'm 59 yo & GOD Bless you for DOING the VERY thing my Mother Would Not... Ps my NOTher is 85 & LIKE far to MANY other NOTher's she is far to healthy...
@@keithstewart7514 I'm sorry this happened to you with your mother and father ❤️ If your father treats you like that then he shouldn't be around people. Children need their healthy parent to protect them if something like this happens. I still remember a lot from my childhood and I do for my children want I would have wanted at their age. I also joined some groups to get some insight from survivors that have gone though similar, I want to do my best for them to be able to heal.
Did you seek out therapy when you were old enough to be able to advocate for yourself? How has your healing journey been?
This 3 part series has brought light of my traumatic childhood with this type of narcissistic family dynamic.
Yep, my mom/sister are covert narcissists, my dad is more malignant (maybe a blend). My childhood was mostly me hiding behind my door, barely being able to focus enough to look at the pictures of children's books, even into my tweens.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Thought I was busy going crazy. I was the only one experiencing my husband they way I do. I only recently was told by my psychologist that he is a narcissist. I did not even know this existed. So thank you so much for educating me in this regard.
Much love and heartfelt apologies for what each and everyone suffering at the hand of a narcissist is going through...you are not alone...we are not alone. 😥💞
I don't know what's worse, having one for a parent or an employer. Both are terrifying!
parents and brother is the worst :)
I lost everything I had to a malignant narc who I was engaged to, AND and worked with. She recruited backup from my guy friends/coworkers, and came at me big time. Traumatic is a vast understatement.
Dr Ramani, Thank you! Just what I needed to hear / learn. Now if I can just "unhook" from the inevitable "OH POOR ME" trick - and see it for what it is (Manipulation and NOT TRUTH) - then maybe, just maybe, I can finally break The Spell once & for all! Wish me luck:)
exactly right - this type is so hard to spot. My boyfriend's mother is this type and I'm trying to get him to see that she is using him as supply but he still feels too guilty to cut her off... but I think he's finally starting to accept that his parents were narcs and that he was mistreated and robbed of his childhood. It's crazy how ingrained their narrative can be to us. Like other people said before "only truth can save you but first it's gonna hurt like hell"
Thank you for making it so easy and accessible to understand the different types of narcissists that are around in this world. It's invaluable!
I couldn’t get mine out of my house. It was so confusing because prior to him I always thought people would just have a talk and break up. He wouldn’t leave but wanted to psychologically abuse me and live a double life. Ugh. Still healing!
You are a lifesaver! Or should I say a sanity-saver! Do you know you are amazingly helpful. I want to cry with relief to have found your channel. Thank you so much.
I can't say thank you enough to you for these videos. I'm a guy (in the UK) who has spent the last 4 years being confused, baffled, hurt (including physically) at the hands of a woman I adored. After 3 months it started. Lies upon lies about cocaine, alcohol, extortion of other people for money, disappearing for days at a time, only to return to give me severe accusations and verbal abuse as to what I'd been doing. My attempts to have a mature discussion resulted in rage, damage to things, the home, and ME, punches, kicks hot drinks thrown in my face, gifts from my family broken, torn up and destroyed. This was constant for 4 years and I see now I totally enabled this. Your videos have finally allowed me to understand! I had to call the police twice to take her away and it is an utter joy to see and feel my friends and family come back to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!!
I don’t see too many comments from men here. I got out and divorced finalized. But my son Omg you describe exactly what he is just getting out of. Unfortunately in his experienced abuse was literally over the top. Very violent crazy lady. She hurt herself intentionally during rages, threw herself into walls, purposely hurting herself physically, pulled her own hair out. She continually self inflicted injuries upon herself anytime he said he was leaving her. She has done this in front of family and friends, totally witnessed by others.Here is the most atrocious part. She called 911, charged him with assault. Police automatically see her bodily injuries, look past my sons broken nose, cracked cheekbones, bloody bite marks, numerous bite scars, 2 stab wounds and who winds up in jail…not her. Police do not believe the man. My son has done 2 stints in jail due to her accusations and she laughs and brags about it, openly says now I have you where I want you and she does, total control. Very violent lady. Both times, she has gone before Crown recanted, cries that she was just upset, oh dear oh my and nothing has legally happened to her, charges dropped and he us released from jail after a couple of months. While he is in jail the phone calls to him, how much she misses and loves him. Meanwhile she is tormenting the family, texts, threats to family, threats on his life inside jail. She is certifiably nuts! This time he did not go back to her after his release and she is wild, my son has gone no contact and really needs to watch his back as he has no clue as to what the aftermath fully entails. She already had a new fella on the line before she put him in jail for several weeks, this last time.
Personally I went through hell for 13 yrs before I ran in secret from my husband. So I understand the hold she has over him, I understand the she still has on him and he is in his first steps of going no contact and has a really long road to recovery. He is lucky she discarded him this time and the cruelty behind her actions is mind boggling. All we can do now is support him. As I told him, your friends and family will reconnect now and he will have a huge support system, we just could not stand and watch her abuse anymore, we had to remove ourselves from the entire nightmare, we are here for him. This lady had no boundaries, she was quite comfortable physically attacking him in front of friends, family, children, I mean no boundaries. Our entire family and his friends would not allow her in our homes or anywhere near us. She totally isolated him. He tried many times leaving her, his biggest mistake was telling her he was done and leaving. Never tell them plan your escape route well in secret, tell no one and run for your life!!
I am so glad you got out, these type of narcs are so incredibly dangerous. Healing is a very long process.
@@sjmnanna01 wow Sue. What a story you and your son have.
It needs a longer answer than I have time for now, but I will send you huge kindness from the East Coast of Essex in England. Your son (and everyone) deserves a peaceful and happy life.
This will come I think when he gets the person who was abusing him out of his life and out of his mind. August 14 will mark 1 year since the police took my ex girlfriend away (for the 2nd time). My neighbours and friends and family made it clear (some nicely, some bluntly) not to have her back, it took me 9 months (April this year) for the switch to switch in my brain... And I can now focus on living a life on my own peacefully and happily. No one deserves the treatment your son had. I hope he has healthy relationships with others he can focus on, ultimately he needs to heal by thinking (many times each day) about his own good qualities, achievements, attributes... All the things the videos talk about... It's vvv hard but it's possible. In April I was still RUNNING from my door to the shed and back if I needed something because I was petrified my ex would call and ' catch' me outside.... Which in her mind meant I was on the way to or back from 'doing something' with a neighbour... Aaarrrgh!!!
By May... I turned a corner in my thinking.. It took a particularly nasty phone call from her that made the switch operate in my mind.
Till then.. I was still loving, caring, devoted, believing I could 'fix' or change her.
ALL the vids say THEY DON'T CHANGE.
Hopefully your son will heal.. Tell him Stu in England says it's POSSIBLE and I send him kindness and good vibes.
Thank you Sue for your reply. Every positive comment is one more step to healing and better times.
Good luck and THANK YOU
So glad we're able to get out and still establishing no contact with 2 narcs. It was horrible, the worst experience we've had, but taught us the greatest lesson and even made us stronger. Grateful for all the learnings.
Working my way through a divorce from a Malignant Narc. Took me many years to understand what I was dealing with. I developed a healthy sense of self during that time, mainly because I was always ALONE while he was off doing "his thing" whatever that was. I took early social security and saved money for the exit while working a part time job to tend to my personal financial needs because he used money to control the marriage. I escaped with the help of loving friends and have been hidden away safely from the spouse--several hours away from the marital residence. Today is mediation day. One step at a time!
You do an amazing job describing the malignant narcissist . I look into the person I lived with for 29 years and I see it all. Been lucky to get out in 2018. I am still using the grey rocks method to keep myself safe hopefully.
You need to go NO contact- not gray rocking.
My nephew died of cancer. I watched him fight for a year. Malignant cancer. The cancer was an evil entity that invaded and grew. It took over his body and we were blessed that he died before it took over his mind. A narcissist is a malignant cancer. They invade you,cause horrific pain. Parasites to the end. I will honor my nephew,who fought for every minute of life. I Will stay No contact.
Those people are extremely conniving and evil...They can even use the flaws within laws to hurt you if it suits their agenda. Acknowledge the signs, trust your gut feelings and run from those people as soon as possible!
A workplace malignant narcissist ran a covert smear campaign that lead to my dismissal. The whole encounter wore me down mentally and physically. I developed psoriasis because of it. The stress made me sick and put me down for almost two months. That person didn't want me there because I was doing a good job with a fresh viewpoint and getting support. I wished that I went with my gut and just quit, but they knew that I had been unemployed for a while and exploited it. I've learned to find someone who you can trust for a reference because you can never trust a malignant narcissist when it comes to your future. I'm better now and still job hunting...carefully.
So sorry - yes you have to get away because no matter how much money you are making , they will take your mental and physical health -
Not worth any amount of money / salary. You have to get out and get away . My life has been nearly destroyed by several of these people over span of 15 years . They are HORRIBLE !
You were (are) the therapy I needed. Your videos are reminders to keep focused and believe what is there and not make excuses for. That you!
Lived with one for 25 yrs and they are truly horrid. Went through recovery and totally healed. I don’t even watch many narcissist you tubes anymore. From this series I was with a malignant narcissist
Thank you Dr Ramani, I believe that you’ve helped me possibly identify a person who was until recently one of my best friends, and for a time the friend I relied on the most, as a malignant narcissist and probably not a psychopath. The only question I still have though is that he endangered my life twice in the space of less than two hours while skiing a few years ago, which still leaves some room for doubt. I believe either way that he is very likely demonised, since his face used to take on a strange “glazed eyes” look with an unnerving grin on his face when only he and I were in a room as he played bizarre psychological games with me, which he would snap out of suddenly if someone else entered, and he would instantly go back to his friendly and confidently talkative self. He’s also a pillar of his church, has social status and a picture perfect young family and wife.
I know that exact look and situation -- it's something I hope to forget
Dr. Romani I'm not sure of your faith but as a practicing Christian I've come to realize and believe that God reach out to us in many ways. You are one of His conduit of strength, perseverance, and guidance for me. Your talk on narssist is simply phenomenal. Your alluding to the Scriptures is very helpful, may the Lord continue to richly bless you and yours.
Hi Dr. Ramani! First of all I love your videos. They have given a really comprehensive view of how a narcissist behaves and de-mystified a lot for the confusion that some relationships have left me in.
I wanted to make a request for a video on healthy dating after narcissistic abuse. As a survivor who also works with DV survivors (so I continually hear client stories) , I find it hard to not be on the constant lookout for red flags. If someone makes gestures like giving me flowers I am super skeptical of if this is a genuine gesture of kindness, or a way to lure me in. I think for a lot of us who grew up in narc households we know the bad, and your videos have certainly validated a lot of what we have questioned, but have no idea what the good looks like :/. Many thanks for what you do!
Katie Marcincuk I second that.
This is such good advice, in order to both shut down my abusive father and to eliminate his awful family I have disowned all relatives on his side of the family, cut contact with all family friends, and stopped talking to all former colleagues with one exception, who shall remain unnamed to protect them, who has kept our ongoing contact a secret from the whole family. I am SO much happier free of all of my father’s flying monkeys!
Could you explain how some malignants transition from overt to more covert tactics and personality traits as they get older and start losing their more easily accessible supply from the previous overt means. Pretty sure the ones who have made the transition from overt to covert are a more complex form of malignant narcissist given that they can and do pull supply from both angles. I've noticed these individuals spend most of their energy maintaining the victim base overall and use the overt aggressive tactics in order to influence their victim based supply. Sort of setting themselves up in every moment to have access to either forms of supply depending on the reaction and the situation. Thank you.
WOW. You nailed it.