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Challenging Behaviors with Adoptive or Foster Children | Mild, Moderate, and Severe
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- Опубликовано: 5 сен 2022
- Book an adoption consultation with me! ✨ www.adoptinfor...
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Sometimes it's hard to know what to expect when adopting. We've all heard horror stories, but we've also all seen those beautiful, tear jerker videos that make adoption look like the most beautiful thing to ever happen! Well, today, I want to take a more balanced look at the two. If you want to know what types of behaviors to expect with foster or adoptive kids, this video gives a pretty extensive look into what you may experience! I also share the exact types of behaviors we saw with our 3 children who we adopted from foster care.
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I created this channel as a space to encourage others. I truly believe that even if we have differing views, we can still get along and be kind. That being said, any hurtful, mean, offensive, or malicious comments will be deleted.
Thanks so much for watching!
-Katie
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I know you're specifically targeting adoptive parents, but your content is also invaluable for foster parents and even step-parents. Really, anyone who is stepping into a parenting role and building a relationship with their kids at the same time. All your content is so good. 🌟
By the way, it’s important to reslize that bio kids raised in a perfectly intact family exhibit many of the ‘mild’ behaviour you listed: lying, attention seeking, screaming and yelling, tantrum throwing, eating issues, poor social skills, destroying properties, falling behind in school, disobeying, rebelling, not wanting to go to school….
Thank you for sharing!
SO true! I always tell people that there are no guarantees with bio kids either…it’s just a false sense of control we have thinking that if we have biological kids they won’t have any of these types of issues.
Yes and no, I agree absolutely that bio kids can also display these. Where I think it’s important to raise up that if all of them are displayed and on a frequent to constant basis that is due
to underlying issues, trauma, sensory issues, special needs, etc.
My husband grew up in dysfunctional poverty and that entire extended family is surrounded by all sorts of bat crazy behaviors that everyone has just totally normalized.
Many of the behaviors you listed can indeed happen in an "intact" family, of biological origin. However, I would question those if they are outside of the developmental age expected, and/or prolonged, unless there was recent stressors (death of family member, job loss of parent, pet loss, move, illness, etc).
Those are all signs of potential insecure attachment, and results from parenting that is either emotionally unavailable (while providing shelter, medical, school, and all the "stuff") missing out on the core of parenting, which is attunement, mirroring, emotional coregulation, and so forth...or too punitive..or too chaotic.
If the parenting is too authoritarian, or permissive, swings back and forth between the two (leading to uncertainty), any alcoholism or other substance use issues, untreated mental health issues in parents and more...
A securely attached child, has caregivers who are emotionally intelligent (tuned in, aware, of their emotions and others, and can hold space for those, not being invalidating or dismissive of them), where they don't feel a need to "perform" to be loved. They feel it's ok to make mistakes, and they feel accepted. A child who feels seen/heard/accepted, and ultimately, safe, does not consistently exhibit the behaviors you shared. In response to situations, yes. Or, if they happen to be on the autism spectrum or similar, some of those are definitely correlated with that...which has a neurobiological basis.
So many of these hit home for me. I was a kid with severe behavioral issues due to trauma and it was very hard to keep me in one home. I moved a lot. Most people don't know how to deal with trauma responses in kids.
Honestly, we knew these things could happen. However, once we had our daughter in our home, what we knew to do in theory, was difficult to do in practice. We are coming up on a year now that she's been with us, and altho some of her more extreme behaviors have subsided, she still gets triggered. I think when it finally sunk in that tho she's 6, she's emotionally 3, that helped my mindset tremendously.
I can totally relate! When I took my foster care classes I thought I could handle it, but when it came down to it, it was tough. I felt like once we passed the one year mark with both adoptions we started seeing more and more positive change. I hope that happens for you too! ❤️
@@adoptinformed We certainly are. But we are beginning to learn of abuses no one knew about or reported. As she trusts us, she's opening up. It's heartbreaking. Thankfully she has the most amazing therapist.
@@adoptinformed I feel like that's also true of parenting in general. When I was trying to conceive and during pregnancy, I thought I knew everything I needed to know about parenting. And then suddenly I was looking after a newborn and felt totally lost and overwhelmed.
I thought this video would scare me, but I have two bio kids on the autism spectrum so I’ve experienced a lot of similar things in terms of academic struggles, emotional/behavioral delays, restrictive diets, sensory issues with hygiene, etc.
It’s not as rough parenting-wise if you are flexible and willing to work with the child instead of against the flow. Where the difficulty comes in, on my experience, is typically a lack of understanding and patience in the community.
It can make you feel isolated, so having a support system is crucial :)
Love this video. Just finished week 9 of our 10 week TIPS classes and I’m trying to digest everything I can before we are officially licensed.
I’m a night owl 🦉, but also an early bird 🐛
Thank you for such great content!
I did research, watched videos and read books like no other before our adoption. Totally worth it!
Grandmother of an 'adopted from birth through foster,' which means child was born with drugs in system so was taken from birth mother. The system tried to reunification for 3 years which is the source of much trauma. Child is now 7 and manifesting all of the symptoms and behaviors you listed. Adoptive family is healthy, happy, caring and supportive but frequently exhausted by the constant outbursts. Thankfully all are committed to best outcomes. This video would be useful for the older siblings to understand what is happening.
@@kcbengard that is so hard! It’s wonderful that you are so in tune with how your grandchild is doing…it sounds like you are likely a huge support to your family! ❤️
If the self-soothing and repetitive behaviors do not stop, the child may be on the autism spectrum, or may have ADHD, etc. which isn't a disease and isn't behavior that should be discouraged under those circumstances, given the medical explanation, nor will they will outrgow it at any point in their lives. They're also very common diagnoses. I'm no less autistic as an adult than I was as a child. Many of the symptoms you referenced can be signs of distress, but can also be signs that a child is simply autistic or highly sensitive, and these are lifelong things that are separate from situational trauma, OR may be greatly interrelated. Autistic children may also have more noticeable or heightened symptoms under stress and trauma. But their diagnosis itself - a part of the child's core identity - isn't the problem. In summary, it's all very complex. It highlights the need to analyze each child as a unique individual with unique strengths and challenges. It's important to work on coping mechanisms and learning how to live and feel fulfilled in the world despite our conditions and the wide variability in strengths and challenges among individuals. Good video and thank you for the insight!
@@JB-zq6jx such a great point! It can be really hard to figure out the difference between trauma behaviors and diagnosable conditions like autism.
I’m always so thankful for your videos. My husband and I have been patiently and prayerfully waiting to start the adoption process for a long time now, and I feel like you’re the most amazing friend helping me prepare❤ I’m so grateful I found your channel. (and a little bit of both morning bird and night owl 😅)
Awww that is so nice of you to say! 🥰
We adopted two siblings in 1972 from Catholic Charities in Mass. They were 2 and 4. They were our first kids. We got NO help at all from the agency. Not even one call to see how we were all doing! When I asked why they were available for adoption the social worker actually said “You dont need to know!” No one mentioned trauma at all. I guess it was that way in those days. Its amazing that we somehow muddled through. Thank goodness its easier now.
@@caroldraper5017 wow! I can’t imagine not even knowing the reason they were placed for adoption. I have a lot of respect for adoptive parents like you who did this before there was all of the help and information we have today!
Thank you for making this video. Im going to be working with teens in fostercare, and the information you provided gave me a glimpse of some behaviors I may encounter.
Reluctant early bird. Coffee is necessary.
This video is so important! Our adoption agency used the scare technique too and we've experienced many of these behaviors and still are. But you're right, it is cool to look back at everything we've made it through and how much it's changed now.🐤
Katie, thank you for all your content. You’re led by the Spirit to be thorough and yet encouraging and I’m grateful for you! At one point you mentioned nursery at church- I would love more ideas on how you started introducing those activities to your kids after cocooning. I’m adopting two toddlers internationally and wondering how that might look after some healthy home-time. Keep up the good work. ❤
Great information, thank you for sharing! It's 1am when I finished this video (and probably on to your part two after the comment) so I would say I'm a night owl.
my ex partner was adopted by family friends who, because it was an open/informal adoption, received no training/research on trauma. My ex was shamed so deeply for some very mild behaviours you mentioned. I wish that those parents did their research because the shame is with my ex to this day.
I’m so sorry he went through that :( stories like that are why I try to make as much of this informational content as possible! ❤️
Used to be an early bird pre adoption, now I sleep as late as I can! Our kiddo exhibited many of these behaviors and some very severely but others not so much. I agree not all of them at once and there has been so much growth!! I would say one that you also didnt mention that we have dealt with minimally but I know is a big issue is running away.
Yes thanks for adding that one! It totally slipped my mind. That one is scary too.
Not planning on having kids in general for a long time but I’m writing a story that somewhat involving adoption ,and plan to create more that heavily involve it, and I want to try and accurately portray some of the aspects ,especially the more negative ones, because I always try and throw some realism into my stories. Very interesting and informative! Thanks for sharing :)
Thank you so much for making these videos! We will be bringing home a nearly 3yr old this year. I feel like our state has prepared us well, scared us, so our eyes are wide open which is great! Do you have any videos on how you have lived "day to day" "year after year" with these realities? Knowing something and living it are two totally different things.
If you look at earlier videos, I did some adoption updates where I talk through the transition after our kids moved in. I think I did them several times throughout the first year. I may do an update soon!
I naturally wake up at about 8:45 a.m. Even my DNA test says so. I definitely see the patterns of my sleep change dramatically though, throughout my life.
Thank you for your content. My husband and I have been thinking about adoption of a 12 year old girl and online she has alot of moderate behaviors and learning. I love how your a Christian because alot of Christian’s do want to help children in the system and knowing someone out here is sharing it from a Christian view is really awesome and helpful.
Thank you! We are thinking of adopting a waiting child and getting started with the process in the next couple of months. 🐦
🐦⬛ Thanks. It's good to know what behaviours might be 'normal' for a child with a background of trauma. Slightly scary, but very useful.
Well said. God gives strength to manage the unique behaviors hurting children manifest. Once your eyes have been opened, you can see these behaviors in many community children. Trust issues for sure for many of them. But then parents seek help and may encounter resource people that make the situation worse. Probably the best resource is other parents who have been there before and walked those steps. Thanks again, Katie, for a thoughtful video.
Night 🦉, needing more sleep. Wanted to finish this video though to see what you had to say.
I'm a total night owl. I really appreciate your content. We are just starting our journey and this has been SO INFORMATIVE!!!! Thank you!!!
For the question at the end. I would say early bird, because I usually feel good when I wake up early. But I also stay up really late most of the time. Part of that is that I've always had issues falling asleep and it usually takes me one to two hours to fall asleep. And part of it is because of the pain, I'm always in pain. And I've been for 8 years. It's pain in my shoulders, upper back, neck and head. It's hard to fall asleep with pain. And to just lie in the pain for a while. So I've developed the habit of staying up late. But when I have a busy day I usually get really tired around 21:00 to 22:00 (9PM - 10PM, for US citizens) compared to around 02:00 (2AM, for US citizens) normally.
This is very detailed. Because I am Autistic and I always need to explain things in detail to make sure that I get my point across in a clear and true way. For example saying usually instead of always when it's not actually always.
Love your videos. I listen from Colombia. I am a few months away from brining my kid home. And your videos have been very helpful to be prepared and less anxious.
This video is amazing!! You are getting great info out there for hopeful adoptive and foster parents! We had friends who had adopted before that we could ask questions to and amazing social workers too! But there’s not enough resources out there like what you are trying to provide! Thank you!
Thank god, I was so worried from the thumbnail that this was going to be a “scare your kids into obedience” (like Ruby Franke 😢) but I was pleasantly surprised! Thank you for spreading awareness and validating these big feelings :)
Oh no! Definitely not that! 😅
Fyi you left the unedited portion of the SA discussion in the video. Great video - I wish our agency had told us about these things. Good luck with your consulting business!
Also, early 🐥
Thanks for letting me know!
Made it to the end, and want you to know I appreciate you so much! Thanks for sharing your experiences and helping to guide others. God bless!
Also, is there a term for someone who's neither an early bird or a night owl? That would be me -- lol.
Thank you for this video.I am loving grama to a newly adopted 3.5 year old girl. This has been been very helpful as she does exhibit some of these behaviors.
We recently ended our first foster placement of 2 kids. It was extremely traumatic for our family - one of the kids has serious psychiatric issues that were not disclosed to us, and we were gaslighted by the agency and the therapist until we finally disrupted. Now, while we're taking a breather, we keep being asked to adopt waiting kids. It's 2-3 times a week we're approached with another case. We're really struggling with this - we keep being told that our fostering experience was severe and most kids aren't like that... at the same time we have young bio kids we have to consider too. I'm not sure what we need in this moment, but any suggestions are helpful!
I’m so sorry you had such a difficult experience! Maybe you could do respite care for a little bit? Then you know it will be really short placements as you kind of dip your toes in. Best of luck!!!
Fantastic, helpful video, thank you. It is good to know why our foster kids act the way they do. For example, Our kids are very clingy, and get many minor injuries but act like major injuries. 🦉
I foster an 8 yr old and this is my story. It’s scary
Thank you for this. I'm still very early in my adoption journey and I'm just trying to learn as much as I can. This was really helpful.
I’m so glad it’s helpful!
With our family having tons of neurodivergence (autism, ADHD, and sensory sensitivity), I feel like I would see a lot of these things as potential red flags for a neuro issue. How do you determine between something like that and an issue that is purely from trauma? Thanks for all these videos, they're so informative. I've been bingeing them, as I'm sure you can tell from my trail of comments, lol.
It is definitely SO hard to tel the difference! That’s one of the hardest things, I’d say. However, a lot of the coping skills that help with autism, adhd, etc can also help kids with trauma. So we have used some of those same practices to help with the behaviors we see.
@@adoptinformed So true! I had a karate instructor who kept mistaking my shutdown episodes from sensory overload for panic attacks, and she was really helpful despite this misunderstanding, because stuff that helps panic attacks also helps overload.
Thank you for this! We are in foster training now and hope to get the opportunity to adopt at some point. (I’m an early bird btw)
I have a thirteen year old girl that is medically complex. She was diagnosed w depression w psychotic features. We thought cerebral palsy was all we would deal with .
Hi Katie. I’m a night owl. I’m 65 and in the UK I’ve worked with children in various settings all my working life. Now retired, but retain my interest in children.
Hey Katie! Do you know of any resources that provide tips on handling these kind of behaviors? The best way to address them? Specifically for foster and adoptive children because I think more gentle methods are probably necessary. Thank you! ❤
Thank you for this vid! Almost done with my foster care training!
Congrats on being so close to that finish line! ☺️
Post honeymoon phase ..how long do these behaviors normally last before the kids are actually settled in?
It really depends. Some of these behaviors we still see 2 years in, but at a much less frequent rate and with less intensity. It can take months or years. Sometimes the behavior never quite goes away and it’s something they may struggle with for a long time. However, in my experience many things improve with time.
I don’t want to say it doesn’t get better (as it totally does) but depending on exposures/experiences/time with instabilities etc etc these kids are very often never completely ‘settled’ they will deal their entire life trying to unlearn the impact of trauma. I think our society does a horrible job of being honest with potential adoptive parents for kids past 6-12 months old. A very significant majority of these kids end up needing meds and PT/OT/behavioral therapy weekly (or more than once a week) therapy
for many years and even many decades. It is absolutely next level parenting for so many of them. Is it worth it…? It certainly can be. Can some be a smoother road yep, but RAD and SA and neglect impact etc etc create tons of behavioral issues. If you are contemplating older adoption ( and its desperately needed) spend at least a year really reading, learning and starting to understand trauma parenting so you are somewhat prepared for a very potential future. There is a desperate need so likewise not trying to scare but we have known multiple people that adopted older kids almost on a whim because of something that happened in their life and have had a really horrible adjustment and in one situation extreme regret.
2:16 If they're under 6 months old when placed with you, this is not the case - research shows that kids adopted at 0-6 months have similar rates of mental health issues and behavioral issues as kids raised by bio parents with similar demographic characteristics. However, a lot of people don't realize that the sensitive period for attachment starts at 6-9 months old and continues up until 3-5 years, so just because your child won't consciously remember a time before they entered your care doesn't mean it's not still affecting them.
This video is awesome. Really, really great info! Thank you.
Early 🐦
I’m so glad it was helpful for you! ☺️
Thank you for this video ♥️ I'd love to be a foster mom someday.
I'm adding your services to my adoption budget ...
I'm an early bird!
Night owl, but I usually crash on the couch and wake up at 2am...What would that be?
What did you do to get through those times ? You mentioned prayer and therapy, but what kind of therapy specifically? How long, what did it look like after the therapy?
A lot of it is about building trust over time. We also took our kids to play therapy for a while, and then later to a family therapist that my husband and I did sessions with as well. There is not a clear cut answer and some of the behaviors will never fully stop, but there is progress!
Great video! Thank you so much.
I’m watching this video to present accurate information in a novel I’m writing. I appreciate the information.
Also I’m definitely a night owl. 🦉
That’s so cool that you are writing a novel! And yay for night owls 🦉 😁
🦇🐦🦔. I don't even know what I am, lol. I think crepuscular, as much as my kids would like to make me an early bird. Thanks for the honest look at what adoption can be like!
Night owl here! 😊Thank you for your video. Do you or anyone you know also do consults with people that would like to become foster parents? I am in Ontario Canada
I do consults with people who want to foster or adopt :) I know more about the US foster system, but I would research on your behalf if you had questions specific to Canada! It’s a pretty similar process from what I understand. You can book at adoptinformed.com if interested!
Bird, not owl! Fantastic video and helpful. Thank you!
🦉🦉🦉 thank you for your video!!
Ive watched all your videos we are matched (Oct. 2023)and having our matching conference/disclosure next week (Jan 2024) and building my questions to ask from what I know they don't have many behaviors but I want to be prepared on the front. Im not finding many videos on how fast or slow this process truly is. we are adopting from Ohio and our agency is a private agency our adoptive youth bio-aren't is deceased before our match meeting and I'm wondering if that has any bearing on how fast or slow our transition and visitation will be.
Thanks for the video we are in the process didn't start the classes yet but we have a date in agust and I found this video very informative I am not an early bird my husband is me I have to be until late night to let my dogs go potty 😊
How do you get a hold of any foster home phone number I am interested in helping fostering parents out with of whatever they needed for All of the children that they do take into foster home like if they have like little infants baby or little newborn babies that are like little girls just saying that now since you're a adopted parent and then that you're one that took in adopted children and kids before and since you're one that knew more about the adoption and fostering children your the only one that I have hoped for is you give me all of the answers that I needed by Krystal Baker I would really appreciate it a lot thanks for providing this video just saying that now
Watched til the end 😊
May I ask what exactly a adoption consult does? I'm a senior in high school and I hope to be able to foster/adopt when im older and am considering careers regarding foster care and adoption
🦉
If you want to email me at katie@adoptinformed.com I’d be happy to share some info with you! :)
What’s a type of bird who may wake up early, like 5am, but grumbles and curses under their breath until 10am? 😂
😂😂 that’s called a night owl in distress
@@adoptinformed 🤣
Thank you. Mid day 🐦:) thank you!
Such a helpful video! Definitely an early bird here 🐦
Night owl! Thanks for the video!
🐦 🦉 I'm a mixture!
total night owl but my kid is full on early bird. Oy!
Actually, I don't know. Depends.🦉
I am an early bird 🐦 these videos are just so amazing
Night 🦉. Any tips on the first week home, specifically with a preteen…
I would say keep it as low key as possible with maybe just one fun outing. Keep your expectations low, and just focus on making them feel comfortable, safe, and provided for! I hope to make a video on this sometime:)
Thanks for this video! Early bird
I forgot to mention I'm an early bird in my last comment. 😅
Night owl. Love your content
Cam you reach out to me please i have a few questions about getting started.
😀😀😀up at 3am. Everyday.
Early bird. All the way.
Early bird, I suppose. Not too early though.
Night owl!
🦉
Night owl
🐦
🌙 🦉
❤
Do you want to foster or adopt? Book a consultation with me! ✨ adoptinformed.com
I am a early bird
Greetings hope all is well please I’m interested! please leave your email again
My email is katie@adoptinformed.com :)
Thank you for not giving up on them and sending the back to the system and unadopting them it happened to me as a foster child and most foster/adpotive parent will abandon a child if there is bad behavior issues
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry that happened to you 😢 A huge reason I do this channel is so that people are prepared to handle issues like that so kids NEVER have to experience a disrupted adoption. Thanks for sharing your experience ❤️
How do you get a hold of any foster home phone number I am interested in helping fostering parents out with of whatever they needed for All of the children that they do take into foster home like if they have like little infants baby or little newborn babies that are like little girls just saying that now since you're a adopted parent and then that you're one that took in adopted children and kids before and since you're one that knew more about the adoption and fostering children your the only one that I have hoped for is you give me all of the answers that I needed by Krystal Baker I would really appreciate it a lot thanks for providing this video just saying that now
🦉
🦉
Me too!!