Often times, a person’s hurts & wounds come out as bad communication. When someone is nasty, think of how you might respond to your child, and WHAT your intentions would be when responding to your child- not to hurt them, but to clarify, and help without taking the bait, and to be a GOOD EXAMPLE. If you’re a good example, the people hearing it can learn from it, then they can help others, & so on. That’s what Dan does, his parents taught him to be loving, and it has helped countless people, it blossoms.
I seek your advice in order to be able to deal appropriately with elder narcissistic family members. I very much appreciate what you do! Keep it coming, please!
Dan, let me tell you…I have a ton of passive aggressive kinfolk. You have taught me so much on how to deal with these people, and for that I thank you.
There’s a response I like which is a calm, interested, “why do you say that?” And then listen. It’s totally foreign to me and getting it out of my mouth feels rude. But it’s not met with defensive and the response is revealing. I love your “how about that?” Very true!!!
Dan I rarely comment but I feel the need to tell you how grateful I am for your hard work and dedication in sharing your content with us. Such valuable skills! You are incredibly talented, and your humor is a blessing to us! I wouldn't want to mess with you lol. Thank you!
Thanks so much for this advice! I used to work in a well known Canadian luxury hotel brand in Beijing. Some people were rude to me n forced deadline, stopped me leave work on time. The only thing I could do is showing my anger, I know not smart, but I really didn’t know how to deal with them. N after that they go to Hr complain i was rude😭 now I learn! Actually this could use at many places! Thank you so much!
Hi @BeiBei Wong! I appreciate you watching and taking the time to comment. I hope you are a subscriber, but if not, please make sure to subscribe here: goo.gl/VJdWKi so we can keep this going OK? I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Thank you for your thoughtful feedback.
Very good. I’m trying to work out in my head if I could have used that word structure with an aquaintance/new friend who was actively testing my boundaries for the first time a couple days ago by “light” bullying / controlling behavior. I did not discount the 🚩 red flag. I paid attention to it. I decided to quietly block her number and not be available for favors and I am avoiding the places she frequents. This is more extreme than I wanted but I feel a lot better cutting the strings with a person who presents as someone who hasn’t done any work on themselves.
I love your level of boundary that put in place, it's very similar to mine! The only people to complain about your boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you not having any.
Totally said to my bully boss today, it’s surprising as concerned you are with your professional reputation that you speak to employees in this derogatory manner, … I think she was stunned
I needed this video 18 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge on how to be an effective communicator and how to protect one’s self from bullies. They are everywhere, and only successful when the good person caves in, after their relentless passive agressive intimidation. Everyone needs tools to stop these aggressors from gaining power in our communities, families, politics, and professions. Your videos will definitely help hundreds of people to learn how to safely cope.
Dan my husband loves you because I no longer have to complain about the gossips at work🤣🤣🤗🤗. Thank you! Everything you say works in real life it’s so amazing how good communication makes your life so much easier
Hi Barbara Canepa ! Thank you so much for watching and taking the time to comment. I appreciate it and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.. 👋 Let me know if there's anything I can help with, and please keep in touch, OK? Thank you!
Calling out rude behavior is CRUCIAL. They say it that way, usually, because they don't want to be clear, they want to be rude & cause you to react negatively. Asking for clarity is not reactive, it's giving them another chance to clarify, it's like saying, "Are you sure you want to say what you just said? I'm giving you the benefit of doubt." If rude & abusive people have the audacity to behave that way (careless about possibly losing their job & hurting others), why shouldn't others have the courage to speak out against it? I think it's our responsibility as human beings, as we're all in this together. It helps others to see their own behavior, and it causes change for the better - that's a good thing, not bad, it can prevent others from being abused. I recently heard about a gay man who spoke up about a nasty, anti-gay HR decision at his company, and it caused CHANGE for the better - one voice. If he would not have spoke up, the decision would've stayed.
Friggin Dan O'Connor.. this guy is the shit. He will carve you up and down then offer you a mint after he dusted you up with straight fire of responses. Thanks Dan!
😂I love it when Dan uses a word (or made up word, like "hunt-yeah" to describe the name of a work convention in the video) that represents, or is a symbol for, other words specific to an individual's situation. I don't know the proper language term for that, but it's hilarious.
Ok I did it!!! "When you have repeatedly said Mark its too bad your not supervising my hall and Mark why aren't you down my hall today you aren't passively aggressively trying to let me know that you don't like me being your supervisor are you?" Her mouth opened and shut like 5 times then she turned on her heels and zoomed away. And, for the past 3 weeks has been over the top nice and accommodating. I'm sure she probably hates my guts but work has been nice. THANK YOU!!!!!
When I’m busy at work and a colleague informs me that “it’s lunch time”; they’re not necessarily being rude, but I do respond sarcastically “I woke up this morning and there was this strange leather contraption on my wrist. I don’t know what it does, but it keeps ticking and has these weird number thingies on it, any idea what it is..?” They soon get the hint.
Hey Rich! Hahaha...thank you for taking the time to comment. Tell me Rich, why are they being rude? I mean, why do you consider that rude? I', missing something. Thank you again, and I hope to hear from you soon, Rich!
@@TheWizardOfWords I must preface, I don’t believe they’re technically being rude, just being friendly and I’m quite aloof, both in and outside of work. This gives those around me the opportunity to spark a conversation, but I infer when I’m told by someone something that I’m fully aware, they’re implying incompetence on my part. I know this isn’t the case and my supervisor told me that people, especially women wanna engage in with conversations with me ‘cos they find my standoffish personality a challenge and mysterious. This was confirmed by one female colleague, but I’ve heard you speak abou how your videos appeal to those who are neuro untypical, and I do have a diagnosis of schizophrenia and I can have the personality of a cat, but if we as a society are supposed to accept “differences” that should apply beyond the standard definitions, and we should accept people who aren’t gregarious and follow traditional social norms, unless their quirks are egregious and impeding their work and those around them.
Yes, directly, but mindfully. O L, consider this. If you love calling people out, could it possibly be, as my grandmother used to say "You're looking for trouble"? Is that possible :) :)
I did a search on dealing with a toxic friendship situation, and i find you......it is amazing i haven't found you sooner.....it would have made my life much better having this information.
As always, a fabulous teaching, Dan! Love these + share with anyone I talk to who could use a lesson in self-advocacy…… I too practice these scripts, very clever little retorts….
Great tips! I'll have to use it the next time the opportunity arises. Could you also make a video about how to respond to people who make a drama out of things all others don't even notice only to put themselves in a victim role and make others appear as being mean to them? I notice that many people (including myself) are muted by this kind of behaviour and don't know how to respond. I experienced in groups that all fall silent and that there's an awkward silence which makes it difficult to continue with the matters at hand.
Some things are just so bad. I say absolutely nothing after initially questioning the behavior. BC w some people I think they just eventually hang themselves. I'm not wasting time defending myself. Because a jerk is a jerk. For instance when someone tells untruth about you to place blame. I don’t touch it! Am I wrong ? Thank you. You are the best. Of the best.
cutting edges. i am your subscriber since a year or so. you are doing commendable job to teach people like me who know nothing but to get angry in such situations. Thank you so much. i was waiting for this video since your last video.
I wish this could be something my board would watch. My job calls for me to be direct and honest but people think that because they feel bad, then you're being mean. If I can't be honest yet still polite, then I don't know how I'm supposed to do my job.
I found your videos recently and am finding the guidances very helpful. Thank you for sharing. Do you have a video addressing people who always rephrase one’s statements, as if the first speaker isn’t capable of expressing their points - which isn’t the case (to be clear) AND people who always speak over you in meetings (seriously, always)
Well, if the same person is doing the rephrasing, and it is irritating to you because you know they understood in the first place, you might try: "Trixie, I'm comfortable with my original phrasing, which was clear. Why are you re-framing my words?" Regardless of the answer, I'd leave it at that, however I'd use the same phrase each time Trixie re-frames. I'm fairly certain she'll take the hint and stop.
Dan has a video that addressed interrupters. I haven’t had opportunity to apply it as yet. Turn your body to the person, make direct eye contact, say their name, keep saying their name until they stop talking. Say I still had more to say about that (or similar), turn your body stance back to the room and continue talking.
I’m watching one of your older videos and you mentioned that you would go over how to respond to “challenge questions” and “challengers.” Have you done that? If so, where can I find the video? I’m new to your channel and love you and your series!
@@TheWizardOfWords yes, I favour that direct approach whenever it feels appropriate. However, some people (especially in positions of power) are quite prickly and it doesn't feel that simple to just ask. A while ago I was in a relationship with a narcissist and realised eventually the odd reactions or being ostracized were likely down to a smear campaign. I believe it's still happening. The difficulty is, when you ask outright why this or that, some deny whatever it is (making you look paranoid or confrontational) and they continue to do what they do. Or asking about their behaviour makes them uncomfortable. They get irritated and then they have a reason (your reactive behaviour) to hold you responsible. If it was as easy as asking and/or walking away, life would be wonderful all the time as I would happily do both. If them not responding isn't to do with the smear campaign, I might get a more direct and meaningful answer...it's when you don't know which camp they're in that can make the decision to just ask that bit harder. People have busy lives these days but when you all have a job to do and your email to them is concise, polite and productive, you should be able to get a prompt (within two working days seems reasonable) useful reply...I hope asking them (no matter the situation) is the answer and more to the point, is accompanied by decent replies moving forward. Thanks for your reply, and yes, I should have expanded more when I asked my initial question. I really agree with speaking from a place of love and will watch the rest of your valuable videos with interest and hope to apply them because lord knows I need some guidance right now.
Thank you Dan. What do you do if their response to your clarifying question is: "No I just want to make sure this gets done because I'm sick of things being late all the time from everybody."
@@TheWizardOfWords "When you ask...it sounds to me like you're placing yourself in a superior or supervisory position compared to mine, and that instead of answering to __ I should be answering to you, and that you are somehow responsible to me. Is that what you are trying to say?"
If this person is your coworker and not your supervisor, I might say "You handle your schedule and I'll handle mine. Whereas I appreciate your concern, I answer to the person who signs my paycheck and so far I've received no complaints from _____ about being late."
Thanks! Dan, in the remote workplace, do you have any videos discussing “camera on/camera off” guidelines? In some meetings camera on is mandatory, in some it’s not. If you haven’t already, could you share your opinion on it? Thanks for all your great communication content!
Sarah, first of all, thank YOU. Second--what country are you in? I've never done such a video and was not aware of the "camera on" mandate for meetings anywhere. EDUCATE ME, PLEASE.
Sure thing! I’ve noticed camera on/off differences within my organization (non-profit, social services in New Jersey, US). Many of our colleagues are working remotely, with intermittent time in offices. My preference is to be on camera, because I find value in sharing my facial expressions & body language with colleagues. I’ve participated in some meetings where the leader expressly states that participants are all to be “camera on”, some meetings where people chose and there’s a mix of on/off, and some meetings where most people are camera off. I’ve been reading your work and watching your videos, adopting so many of the lessons you share (so many “a-ha!” moments, thank you!). This question popped up for me when I was watching an older video this weekend where you did the universal stop hand, and directed attention to stay on track. I was wondering your perspective of how one would adjust that body language in the remote workspace, which then sparked the question on your guidance around camera on/off. Thank you so much for sharing your time and expertise!
Dan? How do you respond when the issue is not passive aggression, but instead a constantly hostile tone (not far from being yelled at). In the past I haven’t confronted this for fear that the aggressor would dare to say that it was only my perception for being overly sensitive.
Alpha, is it possible that this person is not singling you out--that perhaps this person speaks to everyone in the same tone? In other words, perhaps this person is a "yeller," in which case it's not personal and can be accepted with a smile?
If someone is so disrespectful in an working environment to the point of yelling at people, I would make an effort to skill up and find another place to work. A place where civil is the norm. I think we can get the job done, share feedback, call for actions respectfully. We can and should even fire someone respectfully. There is no excuse for disrespectful behaviour in the workplace. Any organization has minimum skillset requirements and they should also have a minimum behaviour requirement. Take care of yourself, body, mind, personal finances - one day you won’t be part of that organization but your life will continue on - so your main asset is yourself. With all that said, if you see that there is something you can work on yourself and improve, then do it. All situations can be use for the purpose of self assessment and self improvement. I don’t think I have ever given advise to anyone on YT but your comment hit home. Been there, know what it feels like. Take care.
@@nadineF wow! Thank you so much for your feedback! It literally sent chills up my spine! (And even my arms goosebumps as I type this very message!). The fact that you have gone through the same experience makes the connection stronger and you advice that realistic! You don’t sound like the type who’s simply telling me what I want to hear! I hear your CALL to ACTION in your words! Nothing you said can be MORE TRUE! Fortunately I’m not in that workplace anymore, BUT unfortunately, I still haven’t found a way to get over the trauma that working there left (even after years of therapy since the constant yelling was the least of wrongs that went on there). My constant worry is that one day I’ll find myself in the same situation and I still don’t feel prepared to confront a similar or identical situation again. But in the meantime, yes, I have been working on upping my skill set, but somehow reading your words has made my efforts feel more real to me (even if I need to be more purposeful) I guess that’s been part of my fears: the fear that I’m not trying hard enough, but more than trying harder, I think that what I need once in a while is precisely the push you’ve given me! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It has really meant a lot to see the time you took to reach out to give your words of encouragement! And feel free to give more feedback! I’ll take it in a heartbeat!
@@TheWizardOfWords I considered the same possibility, but on top of the “impression” I was getting, other people at work noticed the same issue (that this person didn’t address anybody else with that same hostile tone). At one point another coworker even confronted this person without me knowing or asking, which, unintendedly made things worse for me… 🙄🙄🙄 the only reason I found out this person had attempted to intercede for me out of their own initiative was because the very person that tried to help me realized how much worse the result was and came to apologize telling me how their intention to help me backfired instead.
@@alphanotmale1847 oh, what a warm, generous soul you are! Thank YOU for your kind words. I always feel scary of putting any comment online as people sometimes are so nasty. My experience in life is that we are in this (life) together and we just simply cannot survive alone. We need each other and we should help each other to succeed and to find happiness. I am so happy that you are not exposed to that toxic environment anymore. Unfortunately the radioactive side effects last a long time but I believe one day you will overcome it entirely. Wishing you all the best. Be happy, be healthy and be safe.
You might smile and say "I'll let you know when I want advice about my food choices, Mathilda--and right now I don't." Then smile again and KEEP EATING.
Ugh I moderate two Facebook groups and I am at a loss sometimes at how to deescalate bickering and passive agressive comments that are flagged..when there is a rule that is clearly violate I find it easy to intervene but when it's just poor social skills I find it frustrating to referee
My supervisor leaned into my office and (ostensibly commenting on my hair dye job) asked "Did you get blonder over the weekend?" Coming from him I definitely heard a double message and didn't know how to respond as he as quickly walked off.
My coworker was going on a rant about how she thinks its gross that people pee in their showers and I was just focusing on my work so she turned to me asked me if I pee in the shower. I just said "Yes every time" to annoy her but what would have been a good response to let her know I dont have to answer that nonsense?
I think she got the message, Sarah, and there is nothing wrong with a little humor. My guess was that it was effective. The ridiculous can be a good tool :). If you want a more serious response you might have said: "Trixie, I'm busy working right now; it's what I'm paid to do while I am at the office, and I take my work and my time seriously." You won't win the next popularity contest if you do this, but then work is not the place for those contests.
Hi Eli! I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean did I speed up the rate? I didn't, however I think at the beginning there are a few seconds where the speed appears to be accelerated, but it's only for a few seconds, and I think it was either a glitch or something I did on purpose, but aside from those three seconds, no. I was just trying to keep it moving.
Not sure if I learned this from you but if someone is having an intense outburst I say ..their name "Jim, I'd really love to talk to you about this, but not like this. Maybe we can revisit this once you've had a chance to collect your thoughts"
Your force is strong sensi. I learn from the master. Have you ever read the book " Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" it got some awesome dialogue examples.
It’s a shame that they don’t teach this at School. Thank you Dan
I'm with you, mrbass.
Often times, a person’s hurts & wounds come out as bad communication. When someone is nasty, think of how you might respond to your child, and WHAT your intentions would be when responding to your child- not to hurt them, but to clarify, and help without taking the bait, and to be a GOOD EXAMPLE. If you’re a good example, the people hearing it can learn from it, then they can help others, & so on. That’s what Dan does, his parents taught him to be loving, and it has helped countless people, it blossoms.
I'll pass this along to my mom, Syd--and we both thank you :)
Very well said Syd.
I seek your advice in order to be able to deal appropriately with elder narcissistic family members. I very much appreciate what you do! Keep it coming, please!
Same here!!
I wish I had these lessons back when I was in my twenties.
Dan, let me tell you…I have a ton of passive aggressive kinfolk. You have taught me so much on how to deal with these people, and for that I thank you.
There’s a response I like which is a calm, interested, “why do you say that?”
And then listen.
It’s totally foreign to me and getting it out of my mouth feels rude. But it’s not met with defensive and the response is revealing.
I love your “how about that?” Very true!!!
Dan I rarely comment but I feel the need to tell you how grateful I am for your hard work and dedication in sharing your content with us. Such valuable skills! You are incredibly talented, and your humor is a blessing to us! I wouldn't want to mess with you lol. Thank you!
Thanks so much for this advice! I used to work in a well known Canadian luxury hotel brand in Beijing. Some people were rude to me n forced deadline, stopped me leave work on time. The only thing I could do is showing my anger, I know not smart, but I really didn’t know how to deal with them. N after that they go to Hr complain i was rude😭 now I learn! Actually this could use at many places! Thank you so much!
Hi @BeiBei Wong! I appreciate you watching and taking the time to comment. I hope you are a subscriber, but if not, please make sure to subscribe here: goo.gl/VJdWKi so we can keep this going OK? I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Thank you for your thoughtful feedback.
Very good. I’m trying to work out in my head if I could have used that word structure with an aquaintance/new friend who was actively testing my boundaries for the first time a couple days ago by “light” bullying / controlling behavior. I did not discount the 🚩 red flag. I paid attention to it.
I decided to quietly block her number and not be available for favors and I am avoiding the places she frequents. This is more extreme than I wanted but I feel a lot better cutting the strings with a person who presents as someone who hasn’t done any work on themselves.
I love your level of boundary that put in place, it's very similar to mine! The only people to complain about your boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you not having any.
Totally said to my bully boss today, it’s surprising as concerned you are with your professional reputation that you speak to employees in this derogatory manner, … I think she was stunned
I needed this video 18 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge on how to be an effective communicator and how to protect one’s self from bullies. They are everywhere, and only successful when the good person caves in, after their relentless passive agressive intimidation. Everyone needs tools to stop these aggressors from gaining power in our communities, families, politics, and professions. Your videos will definitely help hundreds of people to learn how to safely cope.
"Safely cope" is a great operative term. Thanks, Eileen. And if you need it going forward, as you might have needed it 18 months ago--now you have it.
Dan my husband loves you because I no longer have to complain about the gossips at work🤣🤣🤗🤗. Thank you! Everything you say works in real life it’s so amazing how good communication makes your life so much easier
I don’t work . I’m thinking of working but the most painful part of work for me are fellow coworkers.
One of my favourite of yours: so clear through & through. Also, you managed to fit LOADS of advice & concepts in a few minutes!
Hi Barbara Canepa ! Thank you so much for watching and taking the time to comment. I appreciate it and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.. 👋 Let me know if there's anything I can help with, and please keep in touch, OK? Thank you!
Calling out rude behavior is CRUCIAL. They say it that way, usually, because they don't want to be clear, they want to be rude & cause you to react negatively. Asking for clarity is not reactive, it's giving them another chance to clarify, it's like saying, "Are you sure you want to say what you just said? I'm giving you the benefit of doubt."
If rude & abusive people have the audacity to behave that way (careless about possibly losing their job & hurting others), why shouldn't others have the courage to speak out against it?
I think it's our responsibility as human beings, as we're all in this together. It helps others to see their own behavior, and it causes change for the better - that's a good thing, not bad, it can prevent others from being abused. I recently heard about a gay man who spoke up about a nasty, anti-gay HR decision at his company, and it caused CHANGE for the better - one voice. If he would not have spoke up, the decision would've stayed.
Friggin Dan O'Connor.. this guy is the shit. He will carve you up and down then offer you a mint after he dusted you up with straight fire of responses. Thanks Dan!
Well thank you, Aaron ( I think) :) :) :)
😂I love it when Dan uses a word (or made up word, like "hunt-yeah" to describe the name of a work convention in the video) that represents, or is a symbol for, other words specific to an individual's situation. I don't know the proper language term for that, but it's hilarious.
I am in tears now... you don't know how much you help me ...eternally helpfull
I am grateful to have helped, fresa pez.
Ok I did it!!! "When you have repeatedly said Mark its too bad your not supervising my hall and Mark why aren't you down my hall today you aren't passively aggressively trying to let me know that you don't like me being your supervisor are you?" Her mouth opened and shut like 5 times then she turned on her heels and zoomed away. And, for the past 3 weeks has been over the top nice and accommodating. I'm sure she probably hates my guts but work has been nice. THANK YOU!!!!!
Janis, you're spot on. How she FEELS about you is none of your business. How she ACTS towards you is your business. Congratulations. :)
You have a lot of great insight! Thanks for sharing it and making the world a better place 🙂 Well, you add to that!
My pleasure! And thank you Bright Eyes.
Dan I wanted to just say ‘Thank you’ to you. I have been able to use some of your practical strategies and they helped me SO MUCH.
You're welcome Sally, and happy to help.
When I’m busy at work and a colleague informs me that “it’s lunch time”; they’re not necessarily being rude, but I do respond sarcastically “I woke up this morning and there was this strange leather contraption on my wrist. I don’t know what it does, but it keeps ticking and has these weird number thingies on it, any idea what it is..?”
They soon get the hint.
Hey Rich! Hahaha...thank you for taking the time to comment. Tell me Rich, why are they being rude? I mean, why do you consider that rude? I', missing something. Thank you again, and I hope to hear from you soon, Rich!
@@TheWizardOfWords
I must preface, I don’t believe they’re technically being rude, just being friendly and I’m quite aloof, both in and outside of work.
This gives those around me the opportunity to spark a conversation, but I infer when I’m told by someone something that I’m fully aware, they’re implying incompetence on my part.
I know this isn’t the case and my supervisor told me that people, especially women wanna engage in with conversations with me ‘cos they find my standoffish personality a challenge and mysterious.
This was confirmed by one female colleague, but I’ve heard you speak abou how your videos appeal to those who are neuro untypical, and I do have a diagnosis of schizophrenia and I can have the personality of a cat, but if we as a society are supposed to accept “differences” that should apply beyond the standard definitions, and we should accept people who aren’t gregarious and follow traditional social norms, unless their quirks are egregious and impeding their work and those around them.
Thank you 🙏
Sometimes when I'm at a loss for words I respond with " you may be right" coupled with a slight smile.
Good answer. There is always that possibility . . . .
Always great to see you! Great video, as always!! 💕
You are genuinely amazing! Thank you so much for your incredible advice!
I hung on every word, brilliant, thank you.
These are great tools……I’ve reacted and taken the bait in the past ……
Hi Kimberly! We all have. Thank you for taking the time to share, and I hope to see you here again soon!
Dan🌴🌱🌱🌱🌹🌹🌹
I LOVEEEEEEE THIS!!!
Thanks. I love me. And I love you too. So much that I can only say this in a loving way....yes, powerful, indeed. 😉👍♥️
I just admire your assertiveness. I wish I could take you along to work with me.
Well, for a price . . . .
You Rock! I often just come listen to you because you are like a comforting wise friend. ❤️🙌
I love calling people out, directly. 🤣
Yes, directly, but mindfully. O L, consider this. If you love calling people out, could it possibly be, as my grandmother used to say "You're looking for trouble"? Is that possible :) :)
I did a search on dealing with a toxic friendship situation, and i find you......it is amazing i haven't found you sooner.....it would have made my life much better having this information.
Many thanks, nvaranavage. :)
i love these sarcastic direct yet professional shut downs! subscribed
Welcome aboard, Michelle.
Your communication responses work!
As always, a fabulous teaching, Dan! Love these + share with anyone I talk to who could use a lesson in self-advocacy…… I too practice these scripts, very clever little retorts….
Thank you, Melissa. And many thanks for the shares.
You are Absolutely Fabulous!!! Thank you for sharing this
I love your psychological tips, such a smart man. Also the chipmunk voice imitation is so funny
Thanks Ictoau!
What a great and informative video!! Thank you, I can definitely use this to educate my team.
Great tips! I'll have to use it the next time the opportunity arises. Could you also make a video about how to respond to people who make a drama out of things all others don't even notice only to put themselves in a victim role and make others appear as being mean to them? I notice that many people (including myself) are muted by this kind of behaviour and don't know how to respond. I experienced in groups that all fall silent and that there's an awkward silence which makes it difficult to continue with the matters at hand.
Some things are just so bad. I say
absolutely nothing after initially
questioning the behavior. BC w some
people I think they just eventually hang
themselves. I'm not wasting time
defending myself. Because a jerk is a jerk. For instance when someone tells untruth about you to place blame. I don’t touch it! Am I wrong ? Thank you. You are the best. Of the best.
You are sooo good
The best audio on RUclips. Could you list your microphone and other equipment?
Im so glad I found you! I need you in my life, your videos have been helpful, I wish I learned these communication skills 40 years ago :)
I hope they help you going forward, Nora, and I hope you share these videos :)
cutting edges. i am your subscriber since a year or so. you are doing commendable job to teach people like me who know nothing but to get angry in such situations. Thank you so much. i was waiting for this video since your last video.
I appreciate that! And thanks, Love 2 Cook.
God bless your soul
Thank you and right back at you.
Just brilliant!!!
Well done :)
Yeah, the Nazareth quote 🎉 ❤
I wish this could be something my board would watch. My job calls for me to be direct and honest but people think that because they feel bad, then you're being mean. If I can't be honest yet still polite, then I don't know how I'm supposed to do my job.
Right on. Love your work
I found your videos recently and am finding the guidances very helpful. Thank you for sharing. Do you have a video addressing people who always rephrase one’s statements, as if the first speaker isn’t capable of expressing their points - which isn’t the case (to be clear) AND people who always speak over you in meetings (seriously, always)
Well, if the same person is doing the rephrasing, and it is irritating to you because you know they understood in the first place, you might try: "Trixie, I'm comfortable with my original phrasing, which was clear. Why are you re-framing my words?" Regardless of the answer, I'd leave it at that, however I'd use the same phrase each time Trixie re-frames. I'm fairly certain she'll take the hint and stop.
@@TheWizardOfWords thank you for the good advice. I will definitely use it!
Dan has a video that addressed interrupters. I haven’t had opportunity to apply it as yet. Turn your body to the person, make direct eye contact, say their name, keep saying their name until they stop talking. Say I still had more to say about that (or similar), turn your body stance back to the room and continue talking.
@@TheWizardOfWords so love this simple phrase! Thank you.
Thank you.
"That may be, but.."
I’m watching one of your older videos and you mentioned that you would go over how to respond to “challenge questions” and “challengers.” Have you done that? If so, where can I find the video? I’m new to your channel and love you and your series!
Duncan, you'll have to check around; I am not sure when I recorded the follow-up.
Wow… Good stuff
Be sure to subscribe and spread the word, Donna :)
You’re the best!
Thanks, Jerzy! Always good to see a post from you.
I love you 😍 this is great!!!
Thanks, Irene. Please subscribe and share.
Thank you for sharing. Very helpful techniques.
Thank you, Dan!!!
I don't like this video-lesson. I LOVE it. As always, thank you so much for your keen advice :D
I love your channel 😍 ty for all your advices I badly needed this
I needed to see this! Would love to know why it takes some colleagues days to reply when you know they've answered others?
Best to ask that colleague, and then you'll have your answer JG.
@@TheWizardOfWords yes, I favour that direct approach whenever it feels appropriate. However, some people (especially in positions of power) are quite prickly and it doesn't feel that simple to just ask. A while ago I was in a relationship with a narcissist and realised eventually the odd reactions or being ostracized were likely down to a smear campaign. I believe it's still happening. The difficulty is, when you ask outright why this or that, some deny whatever it is (making you look paranoid or confrontational) and they continue to do what they do. Or asking about their behaviour makes them uncomfortable. They get irritated and then they have a reason (your reactive behaviour) to hold you responsible. If it was as easy as asking and/or walking away, life would be wonderful all the time as I would happily do both. If them not responding isn't to do with the smear campaign, I might get a more direct and meaningful answer...it's when you don't know which camp they're in that can make the decision to just ask that bit harder.
People have busy lives these days but when you all have a job to do and your email to them is concise, polite and productive, you should be able to get a prompt (within two working days seems reasonable) useful reply...I hope asking them (no matter the situation) is the answer and more to the point, is accompanied by decent replies moving forward. Thanks for your reply, and yes, I should have expanded more when I asked my initial question. I really agree with speaking from a place of love and will watch the rest of your valuable videos with interest and hope to apply them because lord knows I need some guidance right now.
you are on fiyaaaaah! Thank you!!!!
I wish I could just naturally be you. 💗
OMIGOD, YOU DON'T WANT THAT. But you do want to be your authentic self and the best version of YOU.
Thank you Dan. What do you do if their response to your clarifying question is: "No I just want to make sure this gets done because I'm sick of things being late all the time from everybody."
What was the initial comment?
@@TheWizardOfWords "When you ask...it sounds to me like you're placing yourself in a superior or supervisory position compared to mine, and that instead of answering to __ I should be answering to you, and that you are somehow responsible to me. Is that what you are trying to say?"
If this person is your coworker and not your supervisor, I might say "You handle your schedule and I'll handle mine. Whereas I appreciate your concern, I answer to the person who signs my paycheck and so far I've received no complaints from _____ about being late."
💪😀👍 thank you Dan!
Dan, thank you
I LOVE this!!!
Thanks! Dan, in the remote workplace, do you have any videos discussing “camera on/camera off” guidelines? In some meetings camera on is mandatory, in some it’s not. If you haven’t already, could you share your opinion on it? Thanks for all your great communication content!
Sarah, first of all, thank YOU. Second--what country are you in? I've never done such a video and was not aware of the "camera on" mandate for meetings anywhere. EDUCATE ME, PLEASE.
Sure thing!
I’ve noticed camera on/off differences within my organization (non-profit, social services in New Jersey, US). Many of our colleagues are working remotely, with intermittent time in offices. My preference is to be on camera, because I find value in sharing my facial expressions & body language with colleagues. I’ve participated in some meetings where the leader expressly states that participants are all to be “camera on”, some meetings where people chose and there’s a mix of on/off, and some meetings where most people are camera off.
I’ve been reading your work and watching your videos, adopting so many of the lessons you share (so many “a-ha!” moments, thank you!). This question popped up for me when I was watching an older video this weekend where you did the universal stop hand, and directed attention to stay on track. I was wondering your perspective of how one would adjust that body language in the remote workspace, which then sparked the question on your guidance around camera on/off.
Thank you so much for sharing your time and expertise!
Dan? How do you respond when the issue is not passive aggression, but instead a constantly hostile tone (not far from being yelled at). In the past I haven’t confronted this for fear that the aggressor would dare to say that it was only my perception for being overly sensitive.
Alpha, is it possible that this person is not singling you out--that perhaps this person speaks to everyone in the same tone? In other words, perhaps this person is a "yeller," in which case it's not personal and can be accepted with a smile?
If someone is so disrespectful in an working environment to the point of yelling at people, I would make an effort to skill up and find another place to work. A place where civil is the norm. I think we can get the job done, share feedback, call for actions respectfully. We can and should even fire someone respectfully. There is no excuse for disrespectful behaviour in the workplace. Any organization has minimum skillset requirements and they should also have a minimum behaviour requirement. Take care of yourself, body, mind, personal finances - one day you won’t be part of that organization but your life will continue on - so your main asset is yourself.
With all that said, if you see that there is something you can work on yourself and improve, then do it. All situations can be use for the purpose of self assessment and self improvement.
I don’t think I have ever given advise to anyone on YT but your comment hit home. Been there, know what it feels like. Take care.
@@nadineF wow! Thank you so much for your feedback! It literally sent chills up my spine! (And even my arms goosebumps as I type this very message!). The fact that you have gone through the same experience makes the connection stronger and you advice that realistic! You don’t sound like the type who’s simply telling me what I want to hear! I hear your CALL to ACTION in your words! Nothing you said can be MORE TRUE! Fortunately I’m not in that workplace anymore, BUT unfortunately, I still haven’t found a way to get over the trauma that working there left (even after years of therapy since the constant yelling was the least of wrongs that went on there). My constant worry is that one day I’ll find myself in the same situation and I still don’t feel prepared to confront a similar or identical situation again.
But in the meantime, yes, I have been working on upping my skill set, but somehow reading your words has made my efforts feel more real to me (even if I need to be more purposeful) I guess that’s been part of my fears: the fear that I’m not trying hard enough, but more than trying harder, I think that what I need once in a while is precisely the push you’ve given me! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It has really meant a lot to see the time you took to reach out to give your words of encouragement! And feel free to give more feedback! I’ll take it in a heartbeat!
@@TheWizardOfWords I considered the same possibility, but on top of the “impression” I was getting, other people at work noticed the same issue (that this person didn’t address anybody else with that same hostile tone). At one point another coworker even confronted this person without me knowing or asking, which, unintendedly made things worse for me… 🙄🙄🙄 the only reason I found out this person had attempted to intercede for me out of their own initiative was because the very person that tried to help me realized how much worse the result was and came to apologize telling me how their intention to help me backfired instead.
@@alphanotmale1847 oh, what a warm, generous soul you are! Thank YOU for your kind words. I always feel scary of putting any comment online as people sometimes are so nasty. My experience in life is that we are in this (life) together and we just simply cannot survive alone. We need each other and we should help each other to succeed and to find happiness.
I am so happy that you are not exposed to that toxic environment anymore. Unfortunately the radioactive side effects last a long time but I believe one day you will overcome it entirely.
Wishing you all the best. Be happy, be healthy and be safe.
I really like all your videos.
Im not native English speaker, so could you please, just use simple words or explain in more ways.
You helped me a lot.
Moon, I'd love to do that but it would mean two videos and time constraints prevent me from repeating videos.
My coworkers comment about my food. Insinuating my food is unhealthy. Always some type of critique.
You might smile and say "I'll let you know when I want advice about my food choices, Mathilda--and right now I don't." Then smile again and KEEP EATING.
“Are you trying to say that I didn’t get the promotion because of my skills?”
Ugh I moderate two Facebook groups and I am at a loss sometimes at how to deescalate bickering and passive agressive comments that are flagged..when there is a rule that is clearly violate I find it easy to intervene but when it's just poor social skills I find it frustrating to referee
My supervisor leaned into my office and (ostensibly commenting on my hair dye job) asked "Did you get blonder over the weekend?" Coming from him I definitely heard a double message and didn't know how to respond as he as quickly walked off.
As long as he quickly walked off, I'd forget about it. Some things aren't worthy of a response. It was inappropriate, but not an attack of any sort.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks for the perspective. I've used some of your strategies and he went from constant criticism to rarely any.
Very happy to hear that, A.D.B.
Man, I wish Will Smith watched this video before attending Oscars.
Ohhh snap! U basically hair flipped in their faces lol
Dan let's have a video about what happened at the Oscar's please. What do you think should happen?
Excellent idea!
My coworker was going on a rant about how she thinks its gross that people pee in their showers and I was just focusing on my work so she turned to me asked me if I pee in the shower. I just said "Yes every time" to annoy her but what would have been a good response to let her know I dont have to answer that nonsense?
I think she got the message, Sarah, and there is nothing wrong with a little humor. My guess was that it was effective. The ridiculous can be a good tool :). If you want a more serious response you might have said: "Trixie, I'm busy working right now; it's what I'm paid to do while I am at the office, and I take my work and my time seriously." You won't win the next popularity contest if you do this, but then work is not the place for those contests.
@@TheWizardOfWords thank you for responding to me. I appreciate you, and your videos are so helpful
Is this... fast forwarded? Why?
I actually like it
Hi Eli! I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean did I speed up the rate? I didn't, however I think at the beginning there are a few seconds where the speed appears to be accelerated, but it's only for a few seconds, and I think it was either a glitch or something I did on purpose, but aside from those three seconds, no. I was just trying to keep it moving.
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
Not sure if I learned this from you but if someone is having an intense outburst I say ..their name "Jim, I'd really love to talk to you about this, but not like this. Maybe we can revisit this once you've had a chance to collect your thoughts"
Well I am sure :) :)
Your force is strong sensi. I learn from the master. Have you ever read the book " Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" it got some awesome dialogue examples.
you can’t Just say………don’t be passive aggressive??
No, because most people don't own their behavior when you call them out in that manner.
💥✔️🎶❗️
I found this channel very interesting and worth Subbing. I liked all the contents. subbed and liked! a fellow creator^
Yasin, I'll check out your channel and I thank you for subbing.