Should white people adopt POCs? (Reacting NEGATIVELY as a transracial foster kid & adoptee)
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- Опубликовано: 10 июн 2024
- Original video → • Should White People Ad...
- TIMESTAMPS -
0:00 Introducing "Should White People Adopt People Of Colour?" | Brief introduction to my story
1:58 Why adopted kids are more "screwed up" than biological kids | Adopted parents do it all wrong
7:52 "White saviourism" isn't a "white" people thing
13:03 Gratitude to adoptive parents
15:50 The fear of abandonment
18:55 Your child isn't your possession! | Why I have fake hair
23:24 "Transracial adoption should not be allowed."
25:01 White people don't understand what being a POC adoptee is like...but neither do non-adopted POC people
27:16 Storytime | Stuff transracial kids hear growing up
31:35 Adoptive parents will always choose their biological child[ren] over you
35:21 "I have used micro-aggressions against my own race" | Why I have micro-aggressions against my own race
46:40 It's hard to relate to your race when people of your race aren't very nice to you
48:53 "Nature is stronger than nurture."
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Развлечения
Apologies for looking so dishevelled: I couldn't let myself plan this video otherwise I knew I'd never record it 😅. I just went for it in the moment so apologies for all the "ummms" and "ahhhs" throughout. This wasn't much fun to film but I hope you find something of use in it and do let me know your own experiences/thoughts down below. Take care all ;)
I didn't even notice any dishevelment, lol.
I follow you because you're this weird black version of me as a mixed raced (Jamaican gran, black mother British mother (worked as sex worker but is now a nurse) and a white Dad (don't know my biological white dad, pissed off to Ireland apparently, but I've had a white dad in my life since I was a kid, and living in the UK, MOST of my mates in Suburban Manchester were white, but I went to a very mixed school).
I grew up being alternative (loving traditionally "white British non popular culture" stuff like punk, metal and post-rock) because despite my shitty mother (not because of the sex work, but me being a punching bag to her)...issues when I found out what was going on (also, we are very strong willed assholes, something the black side of my family, who I am the closest to) but that has NEVER made me love or dislike a race more or less.
My mum clearly has a thing for ginger white dudes, as my little twin brothers have a white dad, and he's lovely. But he was just...like there. a person who liked my crazy fucking mother.
Both had agency, both have degrees. My black family is insanely educated. I've got a degree. I just hate the idea that you can't critique racists because white people are all their own people.
But I don't get what "being black is" because for me, given white people would not call me mixed raced for a long ass time (white brits still barely know what being "mixed raced" is) I was always brought up by black people in a mixed raced subculture that just wanted to get people get along.
HOWEVER...
Your "stop blaming racism for stuff" stance is a bit screwed up.
Black people not wanting to adopt you isn't to do with them being black. It was because they were poor and hugest poorer than the white people who could afford to do stuff. You aren't a white saviour for having a heart. But some white liberals are LITERALLY that racist and arrogant.
I just want you to fucking love yourself. You sound like the white supremacist argument against mixed raced people, lmao, but from their point of view.
JUST BE YOU! You're smart and cute and fucking wind me up because you're always arguing against being you, and being you isn't being this "aggressive centrist".
FUCKING ESSAY
You most certainly don’t look dishevelled. I’ve followed you for a long time & have always felt a massive disconnect hearing the way you view yourself.. because since the first time I saw you on video I thought you are a fucking STUNNER, a person who has enjoyed pretty priviledge all their lives. I understand this is not your experience & it’s still shocking to me. I’m from Finland & maybe it’s another beauty standard we have, one which you absolutely fit. So saying you look dishevelled.. once again it sounds like a JOKE. You are gorgeous as always. An actual living doll.
This is so raw and vulnerable! You have a beautiful heart, I think you will find an amazing relationship with someone special ….. in Yorkshire 😊😅❤
You were wonderful, as always☺️
I also don’t think parents shouldn’t be able to hide that a child is adopted. It leads to really messed up issues in the future when they eventually learn because they most likely eventually is.
Exactly. I had Indian neighbours who adopted a Russian kid and she would tell everyone she's Indian when she had blonde hair and fair skin 😬 She was like 11 when a kid told her she's probably adopted and then her parents had to tell her the truth.
It's psychologically diabolical to lie to your child about the truth of their origins
dangerous for medical reasons
People shouldn't lie to children about Santa Claus either
@@Rig0r_M0rtisI agree, we need to stop lying to children full stop. The world isn't going to cater to the lies & all lying does is fester either distrust or confusion in kids
I was adopted by my parents, who used to work as doctors in the country I was born in. I was born in the Caribbean and grew up in Europe, with parents that look nothing like me and yet have always been my "real" ones. My adoption was never a forbidden topic of conversation and while they know little about my birth mother, they always encouraged me in trying to find out more, should I ever want to do that.I think what bothers me so much about this debate is that it leaves zero room for nuance and gives people who are not adopted permission to judge something that is impossible for them to judge. Wherever adoption works out or not has first and foremost to do with the parents deciding to go down that road.
All people are individuals - also adoptees and their parents - that is why these kind of situations can not be generalized. The same goes with families with biological children. No family story is the same.
I’m no adoptee, but I agree with you. It all depends on the parenting (regardless of biological ties). Blood may be thicker than water, but it doesn’t really determine how good/bad a family is.
Agreed. When she mentioned that there are adoptive parents/people with the attitude that adopted children must suppress their own curiosity on their sense of self and where who they biologically came from, I thought that was so fucked up that that happens and to me that’s an example of the parent putting the onus on the child to shoulder their (the parents) feelings when wtf, it should be the opposite lol
How did 2 severely mentally ill people were allowed to adopt?? I am sorry you went through that, it’s absolutely awful
In my experience, the system is severely jacked up, and you'll be shocked at the oversight that occurs in care, especially in care of black and brown children.
Mentally ill people LOVE to adopt, specially narcissists
Some mentally ill people hide it really well and very intelligent. First hand experience here.
@@kindred42 I am an adopter in the UK and the vetting process is pretty thorough but I do not know about other countries... I am shocked.
No, I think it's just one. Her adoptive mother. Who's the 2nd?
28:54 People always say dumb stuff like “girls bullying is way worse than boys”. They act like boys don’t gossip or name-call. This is a perfect example. This is not the first time I heard about a boy bullying a girl *verbally* so hard that she quit soccer / swimming / advanced math classes / art / etc.
In elementary school it was boys who bullied me, the girls just laughed and went along with it. Middle school too, it was the boys. Idk how people assume it's only girls doing it, thought it was common enough for everyone to know.
@@OffTheWagonsLooking at the Manosphere, guys are better manipulators
@@OffTheWagons 1. Cool username.
2. Exactly. I don’t doubt that female-led bullying rings exist. I’m sure they do for both kids and adults. However, this perpetual characterization of male bullying as “quick, fair, natural” and female bullying as “chronic, obsessive, catty” is not only wrong but dangerous for little kids.
Thanks for sharing your story, Ghost.
I got bullied relentlessly by boys when I was a teenager. Horrible times.
@@priestrat No doubt. A little ribbing and disagreement between kids is fine, but *any* chronic mistreatment needs to be stomped out. It really sounds like quite a bit of this bullying is going *unnoticed* because of who’s doing it.
My family took in three foster kids for a few years. Incredibly, devastatingly disabled in multiple ways. Our neighbor asked us to watch them and when we went over to pick them up, the house was horrific; nails sticking up from where the carpets had all been ripped out, bottles just filled with rotten sludge, no food, covered windows, feces everywhere. One of the toddlers was chewing on a nail. We had no idea it was that bad. I'm not sure how exactly we wound up becoming their foster family, but it was... an experience. My sister and I wound up being the primary caretakers for them while our parents worked; three severely disabled, traumatized kids under the age of five. One needed to be catheterized daily. My sister got infected from dealing with one who had a ruptured abscess. The two slightly less mentally disabled ones were incredibly strange with adults (from an adult perspective, it was clear they had been s**ually abused, and tried to gain attention in gross, horrific ways), and would act very different around them as apposed to us pre-teen girls. We loved them, but we were too young to understand what was going on, much less be full time parents to these kids. My mom was incredible through all of it, but she had to work, and even when she begged my dad to let them move to a specialized placement, he refused. BECAUSE... they were a status symbol. A talking point. Made him even more sympathetic to other people, made him a Savior, even though he never contributed to their care. Even though they were suffering, and his family was suffering, that was more important. Eventually, the bio-mom regained custody. I was devastated because I had basically become their mother, but at the same time so relieved because, at that point, I was considering a permanent personal solution in regards to myself. Last I heard, two of the kids wound up in lifelong care homes after years of abuse and going in an out of her custody. I have no idea what happened to the third. People who take kids in because its the 'right' or the 'kind' thing to do, thinking the act is more important than the child themselves, are awful and have no understanding of what kindness actually is. The whole experience damaged me in ways I still don't understand, and I only hope the kids weren't damaged as well. Or least remember that I loved them, if nothing else
(all parties involved were the same race BTW; it was the fact they were so disabled that made them such a 'talking point' for my dad)
That is completely devastating to hear. I have several foster siblings, and my mom has been taking kids into her care also temporarily. One bio parent of two kids she was temporarily fostering, sued her for "stealing her kids" despite said kids being taken from her by social services...
I have no idea how that was even possible and it had dragged on for years. The bio mother kept appealing to higher courts, despite being completely unable to actually take care of the kids, until an accident prevented her from continuing it.
I don't know where are the kids now, but I really hope they have found a family who took them in permanently 🥹
My first girlfriend was adopted and that was my own first experience with the topic. She was very happy and her parents did everything right or at least tried. They were very open about the topic that she was adopted and never made a taboo about anything surrounding it. It seems that transparency is some key factor in successful adoptions.
I had a friend growing up who was visibly Asian and had white adoptive parents. Her mom confirmed with all the teachers and other parents that her daughter was adopted, but never actually told this information to her daughter. When my friend and I were both in second grade, I overheard the adults around me talking about this, and I decided to tell my friend that she was adopted at recess (which I realize in hindsight was not something that I should have said, but I was a child and didn't know better). My friend got very upset at the news, and I got in trouble. She did not believe that she was adopted, and her mom denied that she was adopted. We nonetheless remained friends through our teenage years despite the incident. When we were both around 13 years old, I remember one time in which me, my friend, and her mom were all in a car together driving back from some event. My friend randomly brought up what happened in second grade, saying "Hey, remember when you told me that I was adopted at recess that one time?". Her tone implied that the assertion was nonsensical, and she went on to talk about her she looks exactly like her mom, etc. so it would be imposssible for her to be adopted. There was a kind of awkward silence in the car. We remained friends throughout high school, and even in her late teens, my friend's parents never told her that she was adopted, and my friend truly believed that she was the biological child of her parents. We lost touch after high school, but I eventually tried to add her on social media. My requests were met with messages that she had no idea who I am...To this day, I find it bizarre that a child who was a completely different race than her parents was not told that she was adopted and was essentially fed a very complex lie.
It's especially gross that all the adults in her life were in on it... And it sounds like it resulted in very well-developed patterns of denial on her part.
I know a girl who was adopted in infancy by a single woman. She doesn't look like her mother at all, but she thinks she looks like her father who left the family or he is dead or mother doesn't know who is a father. That's a taboo topic for them. The worst part is many people know about it, but not allowed to talk her. Even stragers who really don't need to know about it, like me
theres no way she didnt remember who you are. That mustve hurt to be treated like a stranger by someone you knew for years.
Hope she can face the truth someday but she may never be ready. What her parents did is not okay.
this is 100% the parents fault. guaranteed your friend knows and has always known. unfortunately, the feelings of adoptees are extremely complicated, wrapped up in abandonment issues, xenophobia, internalized racism, but also, a fear that one has this perpetual obligation to do whatever it takes to "nurture" the bonds between themselves and their adoptive families. what they see is viewed as a necessity to try and justify and explain away the nuances and challenges of adoptee identity, and instead cut off the past by trivializing immediate differences in order to somehow reconcile with the obvious uniqueness that comes with being asian in a white family. her doubled down denial says about her that she would rather keep up the lie to seemingly protect her from the inherent traumas of adoption (which she likely doesnt see as adoption trauma but instead, maybe tells herself that her family is "real" to her and that the trauma comes from others who question that) than to face the inevitable truth of living in a racist white supremacist society that will never view her as a "true" member of her family. my sister told me she sees herself as white. she doesnt identify with being asian. and she has long denied her connection to her birth family whom reached out to us when she was about 10 years old. she is fully aware that she is adopted, but would also be satisfied with people denying its true. when she was young, she would peek out the window for hours when my mom left the house, wailing and screeching for her to come back. she cried all the way on the airplane to the states when she arrived. from the day she came, she had experienced that deep rooted trauma of abandonment and separation. to me, it was obvious. but to her, she would never give herself the mercy of acknowledging that externally injected pain of being nonconsensually sent over to another country to complete strangers who smelled and felt completely different than what she was familiar with. because even babies can sense their environment prenatally. that separation, that rejection is so utterly traumatizing that the mind is willing to do anything it can to reinvigorate a sense of security. and it does that for adoptees by forgoing our painful pasts and tunneling our vision into the future. we are essentially trapped in a vortex of fear and guilt and shame, that internalizing the idea of the one thing that gives everyone else a sense of belonging in the most basic fundamentally human way, aka kinship, is somehow, denied or stripped away from us, is inconceivable. its unfathomable. its irrational and inhumane. yet it is what happens with adoption. and that is why we deny. thats why we make racist jokes and are the loudest ones in the room to laugh at it. thats why we tell ourselves that our birth families, no matter the ACTUAL circumstances, hated and despised us and threw us away like garbage even though thats RARELY even the case. i'm really sorry your friend denied she ever knew you. but please understand, this is a pain that goes far deeper than you can imagine. it is something she needs to figure out and learn and grow from, and its not anyone elses job but hers. unfortunately she may continue to deny it for the rest of her life. but thats on her. it has no bearing on what you've done or what you've said. you merely stated the truth and she felt forced to reach inside herself for the first time and couldnt stand to see what she found. it may have felt like ripping out her heart.
it’s wrong of them not to tell her
I feel like I’ve had an inverse experience as a completely white passing child raised by my Filipino mother and grandmother. It’s scary what people say about race when they don’t know your connection to it. Also having siblings that don’t pass gives you a different perspective on race. Watching my brown, 6ft1 brother being surveilled in stores opened my eyes to another experience.
That’s different because transracial adoption would have more identity/racial crisis. You were not adopted by a stranger of completely different race. I personally knew an Asian disabled girl once who felt less loved by her white adoptive family because they “liked” her other Asian adopted sibling who is not disabled and very outgoing (fits in with white culture/society well). You are white passing yes but you are not white. You are not an adopted Asian in a white/black/other race family. If you were you have less likelihood of connecting with them or having them willing to understand unless they are biologically related to you or are fortunately open minded enough.
@@bmona7550 they know it's different that's why they said "inverse experience" bruh maybe read???💀 they never implied it was the same thing
"My parents chose me, yours are stuck with what they got" I'm sorry but I laughter out loud, that was such a smart take 😂
That statement doesn't always work especially when you start to get older you don't really have a response to such ignorant people
parents don’t usually choose adoption right away. unless they already know bio kids won’t happen. it’s usually one of the last things…. soooooo
@@mjesns77 Yes I'm very aware how infertile adults work when they want to adopt a kid. But this whole I chose you nonsense is stupid and just dumb. Its just very insensitive to the bio mother and crushes the child. So what people are trying to say is that all the other kids in the foster system and orphanage system are not wanted? That were not wanted and that nobody loves us.
I never understood why i felt so wronged by my adoptive (non black) parents telling me our relationship was the same as if I had been their biological kid, but I felt guilt and shame for feeling the difference. this unlocked a lot for me. Im sorry for your experience and thank you for making this video.
Did you feel guilty for loving your adoptive parents less than they loved you or what?
Yeah, and even if they’re well meaning, that doesn’t cancel out how you felt. This is why it’s important to validate our own and other people’s feelings and experiences by acknowledging they exist as opposed to saying “well it doesn’t make sense you feel this way.” Like that doesn’t do anything lol people feel how they feel, like what lol
I'm shocked at how none of the top comments are addressing her and not just the video...I'm so incredibly sorry. I know me saying that doesn't change shit but I can't imagine what it's like to grow up alone and still carry that. I can only wish and pray that you get to experience the love, community and acceptance that comes from having family. I wish I could give you a giant hug. Definitely broke down hearing your childhood stories 🫂
Same I’m surprised how most people seem to not have picked up just how raw and traumatic it must be for her to have had to recount that and it’s seems careless for people to not address her first
Seriously? She was NOT asking for your pity. She had a very clear call to action at the end of the video asking for people to comment below about their own personal experiences growing up which is what most people are doing.
@@Wavewave583 pity and compassion are very different...i was just stating my opinion of how i think it's sad most people didn't even acknowledge a fellow human being's trauma...people can totally talk about their experience, it doesn't have to be one or the other
For a lot of people it can feel quite jarring to receive attempts to comfort after sharing heavy experiences like this. I think the inclination most people have is to mirror the tone of the person sharing their experiences, which is why a lot of people are sharing their own experiences.
I felt the pain so hard when she dissassociated and had to laugh. I know, I do that too. And the that she can't express anger, that she never gets angry, I have the same issue, maybe a little less severe, because I was able to work on that, but still.
I think maybe there should be a preference for same race... But I really, really, really disagree that race should be *the* major factor. And I think a lot of negative stories aren't because the parents are just a different race but more so that the child is adopted. The big argument that bothers me is that inter-racial adoption is wrong for reasons of cultural preservation.
I get why culture is important, but I don't think culture/race should be more important than human choice, happiness, and love. You wouldn't see me telling a Native American man that he needs to get his butt back to the reservation and continue his culture so I can enjoy it.
For example consider mixed race children -- should it be socially shunned since it's diluting/destroying a culture? I'm a mix of European groups and I can't really say I'm Irish, English, Scottish, German, French, Scandinavian, or Polish, like my ancestors could. Cultures change, and are diluted. It's sad, yes, but it's also beautiful, natural, and, unless you're a supremacist, you shouldn't value your culture over human freedom. Again, cultures change naturally.
Quick edit: (The stories she tells are horrific, and like everyone here I'm sorry she went through that. I feel like the things being said wouldn't happen here so flagrantly, at least in my state, so I only feel comfortable speaking about adoption in terms of what I'm familiar with. Specifically since my father is a social worker and good parents are like gold in the system, regardless of the gold's color.)
/edit
I think until you've been fostered or adopted you wouldn't understand. It's not about culture, it's about fitting in, most adopted kids are inherently different from non-adopted kids in many ways. So feeling like you belong somewhere is important.
No one is colour blind, being visually different heightens a justification for different treatment. Not being connected to your own culture is very traumatic, you wouldn't understand it to you dealt with it yourself.
There have been mixing in Europe since the most ancient times. I don't think it was that big of a deal, especially when queens would often be of another nationality, plus there were always immigrants. You were supposed to adopt the culture of the place where you were settling down in. I don't understand how people are forgetting that, especially when it is something that is still happening for majority of immigrants...
This ethnicity and race problem is a non problem. The ones that should preserve their culture are the original countries, not the emigrants or the adoptees that no longer live there. They can still keep some of that culture if it's important for the parents, but many immigrants kids don't belong to their parents original culture. Living and growing up in a different place already made them different.
Edit: Nowadays people are too self-centered, that's why they feel it's important. Seriously we should think about the abandoned kids, even if they lost everything, they should try to adapt to their current situation. I'm not dismissing the hole some feel culture-wise, but the world is cruel, we should all learn to face the world and its challenges. Some of the most successful people were those that could thrive despite all the obstacles.
The problem I see here is why are people not expanding this argument to children of parents of differing racial and cultural backgrounds? Are they still allowed to have biological kids, then why not adopt? Biracial kids go through a lot of the same dilemmas of not feeling completely at home in either of their parent's culture. Bad people are everywhere but at the end of the day the driving force behind people wanting to adopt is wanting to offer a home and love for a child who is in need of those things.
So preferring a full rainbow of distinct colors over a puddle of mud when you mix all those colors together is supremacist? Noice 👌🏻
P.S. I don't want to see insane amounts of emigration of white people to India, Nepal, Philippines, you name it - because when I go there as a tourist, I want to appreciate and revel in authentic, not watered-down culture of that place. I want to see what a native of that place looks like, how they've adapted to that place over thousands of years of their ancestors living there. That's beauty. Or does melting pot of bullshit really sound more appealing?
@@Li_Tobler you just made a metaphor comparing mixed people and children to mud, when they have distinct colours of their own. Yeah, it's supremacy, a-holery, or just plain both.
In child psychiatry lecture we actually talked about prevention for children with parents with SMI (serious mental illnesses) and bipolar falls under that - you deserved better for sure. Lot of children who have at least one parent with SMI are at risk of parentification and other adverse social outcomes even without going through adoption. I am sorry you went through this on top of being adopted into different culture with no regard of your own identity. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
I grew up in a household with both of my biological parents. However, I identified with a lot of the points in this video. Growing up as a conservative Christian, I saw myself as Christian before I ever saw myself as black. I only became aware that I was “different” in college, when I was not so inclined to get involved in the the up&coming mainstream black culture that is so popular in America right now. I do look on a lot of the music, memes, and antics with some disdain-not because I’ve not been in touch with black people, but because I was moreso in touch with conservative Christian values.
It’s a double whammy, because I’m also gay. That was suppressed by the household that I grew up in, so I could not fully identify with my religious culture. Most of my male counterparts in school rejected me, because I did not enjoy the same activities as them. And my female counterparts rejected me as a love interest early on, though they were more likely to accept me as a pet-like friend. The gay community also rejects me, because I don’t identify with the mainstream culture, and I do not present as the stereotypical gay black man we see in media.
I also am extremely subservient and dismissive of abusive behavior in my relationships, and it has been that way since I was a teenager.
So, even though I am not adopted, I do identify with a lot of this. Rejection from my race and people of both sexes. I’ve been told I’m “not black” and that I’m not a man.
I don’t know why, but I just felt really moved to respond. I can’t relate at all, honestly, but what you said really struck me. I’m really sorry that you had to experience that kind of all-around rejection, and I wish I could give you a hug. I don’t know what your relationship with Christianity is now, but I will pray for you regardless. There’s not much else I can do or say since I’m just a rando on the internet, but I hope you’re well :)
I'm female and white, but man, I can relate to the pet friend part, being rejected by female friends as a love interests, being kind of small or ,"less than" in relationships, not fitting in in the christian culture, or the mainstream secular culture, or the gay culture. I'm an aging millennial, an anomaly, and I still don't fit in anywhere. Too queer to be conservative and to conservative for the gay community 😟
Sorry you went through this brother.
Out there might be people like you but are probably afraid to voice their opinion because of fear. I hope you do find someone that'll love you and share similar values.
@@darkprinc3ss47 I appreciate the hugs ☺️
I was born to 'normal' parents but my mother has narcissistic personality disorder and used me as a scapegoat, always tried to manipulate me to do and be exactly how she wanted, when I wasn't she ignored me for days, rejected me and guilt tripped me. It left me feeling like there was something intrinsically wrong with me, like I was unloveable on some fundamental level, spent my entire childhood severely depressed (never got any help for it, was further blamed that I was weak and weird and doing this on purpose), as a result started cutting myself become suicidal, extremely anxious and introverted... For years I was asocial recluse, frightened of everything, had extremely low self esteem, struggled with everything.... And for my sperm donor... he's just another type of abuser... I also have an older sister but they managed to destroy our relationship... So.. bad parents are bad parents, regardless wheather they are biological, adoptive, of same race or religion or different.....I'd rather I have been adopted to a loving black family than had my childhood in my 'real' European...
I feel like we have the exact same parents down to the trying to sabotage my relationship with my older sister (who was adopted and is my biological cousin). I agree bad parents are just that. I hope you find healing and are doing better.
As someone who wants to adopt a child I really appreciate your perspective on this. I’m planning on reading primal wound and some other books but this video was interesting.
What’s that book about?
@@wormwoodcocktail it is about the trauma that all adopted children experience, no matter their age, when taken from their birth mother.
@@caterinas6863 That makes sense. Babies are smarter than we think and they know if they’ve been removed from the person who gestated them.
@@wormwoodcocktail yes I read the book because I was adopting a newborn baby. Not an easy read. But an important one for adoptive parents
@@caterinas6863 I’m glad you love your kid enough to do that.
I wasn't transracially adopted, but I'm a black woman who grew up in white suburbs in the Southern US. I've gotten plenty of the "white-washed" comments and found it hard to fit into mainstream black circles as hard tried. However, once I went off to college I managed to find a group black people who also felt they couldn't fit in with the black community on campus. It's so fun getting together knowing we wont judge the other for not knowing this movie or that song, and we try to engage more in black culture together. I totally agree that the rejection I've gotten from other black people has been so much more damaging than ignorant remarks from white people. I feel so free now that I'm not trying to "be more black" anymore. You're not alone, and finding comfort in your identity is a lot more fun with others.
I think it would be amazing and a potential healing process if Kidology took classes on caring for natural hair. I know firsthand how tramuatizing hair struggles can be, especially for black women, so it's really something she'd have to take at her own pace.
Good God, you went through so much traumatic experiences in South Africa, yet you talk about it rather calmly.
Thank you for the video and you look great as always!
I'm really touched by your story. I'm sorry you went through so much. It's almost as if you were adopted to be a future caretaker, rather than adopted to be a child. I've never had nor wanted children, and people used to always question me on what I was going to do when I got old. It always struck me as odd that they thought the reason to have kids was to have a caretaker in old age. Perhaps adoption is the route to that taken by some who care a lot about that one thing. Though I'm sure with some, they just want someone to take care of.
I must admit that, given you're about the age a child of mine would now be had I had kids during my child bearing ages, I would be proud to have you as a daughter. To such a great extent you've raised yourself, and done a fine job of it. If ever you decide to have kids, your kids will truly be fortunate. I suspect you doubt that, but I see a unique gift in you.
On the oreo front, yep. Meant as compliment from whites (though never received as one by me) but definitely insult from blacks. I also didn't know how to take care of my hair. For me it's because my female line is Native American, so the women before my mother didn't have hair like mine. My grandmother didn't know how to care for my mother's hair, and my mother did a bad job caring for ours. By senior year in high school I'd started just wearing a short hair cut (think Grace Jones) and then many years later I finally twisted my hair into dreadlocks and wore is like that quite successfully for a couple decades. These are things few understand. So nice to come across this video.
Im adopted myself, and im SO happy to hear a nuanced and honest conversation on this topic.
I feel a lot of what you're saying. Our adoptions were very different, but the issues are very similar.
Thank you for opening up about this. It's exhausting to fight against the rose coloured lens regarding adoption.
Kidology is getting saucier by the day, I love it.
Agreed! The snark was really coming out in this video and I LOVED it!
This has been of your most personal videos to date, Zee. You're one of the people that I trust to turn to (at least parasocially) regarding modern issues and your reaction to Jubilee's video gave me a wider perspective not just on interracial relations but also on adoption. Thank you for this video (and managing to stay my favourite youtuber for over a year now)!
Being adopted from a wealthy white family from an extremely poor area of Kazakhstan. For those who don’t know, Kazakhstan and Central Asia is THE natural melting pot from where Arabia, Asia, and Europe merge into one. I have never really cared about my adoption because people assumed I was just “white,” when in reality, I kind of don’t know what I am. My birth certificate says I’m Russian, but I look far different from your average “Moscow Man.” I feel like I’m a mix of Russian and Kazakh and something else. What’s strange is that even though Kazakhs look Asian, they’re registered as being “racially white” by the US Census and doesn’t even include being apart of Central Asia for some questions because no one really knows too much about the area (in the US.)
I really do relate to the “you should be grateful” part because literally my parents would tell me every other day that I should be grateful, but more in a sense that it was because my parents were wealthy and “well mannered” where I live. Not because of race. However, because I am internationally adopted, I really have many thoughts that I must “impress” my parents because they “gifted me with adoption.” Even though my parent never told me or even hinted that I should be grateful for them adopted me, it came out more as a natural instinct just because of how I could have died easily if I wasn’t adopted by my parents as a baby or small child from Tuberculosis.
I am sorry you feel like you have to prove your worth. I always wanted to be adopted as I got abused as a child.
If it makes you feel any better, my parents are immigrants that moved to Europe and because I got so neglected I know close to nothing about my culture even though I visited my country multiple times.
I also had speech difficulties in my native language (was raised with the native language of the european country I got born in) because my parents neglected me to the point where they didn't talk much to me.
I always romanticed being adopted, because then I wouldn't het abused anymore. I never really thought about adoptees feeling so guilty about being alive and I feel bad for you that you feel that way.
You more then deserved to survive. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for that, because you deserved it. If you want to impress anyone, impress yourself by living yourself to the fullest. That is the only thing you owe anyone, and that is something you owe yourself.
This was incredibly emotional. Please talk more about the sexual assault crisis in South Africa and maybe touch on the racial politics related to that (history, current, solutions moving forward)
History: wasn't there, don't care. Current: economically and politically f$#@xked. Moving forward: Get rid of the ANC, EFF, MK. There South Africa 101.
I am mixed race from one of the Whitest regions of my country, I didn't really realise how it affected me until I was recently babysitting a cousin and she told me how she was the only non-blonde girl in class (her father is my mother's half-brother so she's also half-Black), she talked about how she wanted to dye her hair and lighten her skin. Things I also wanted as a child.
I have a light blond hair, but then i wose teen i wont red hair, and daied hair. Stoped look for reasons for you willing be wictim
@@olgab2075 stop saying moronic things. they're explaining how feeling singled out and somewhat isolated because of her skin colour made her insecure about her race it isn't that hard to understand if you have more than two braincells to rub together which you clearly don't.
@@olgab2075ok
Oh no no no no NO MA'AM the only shameful thing is people being so cruel. A woman once said to me when I was about 8 "how sad your real family didn't want you" i was very angry and then super sad it had NEVER occurred to me that I wasn't wanted until that moment. People just suck
Also I say this as a black Brit, do not take us seriously. Hyphenated history has a really good video were black brits discussed their identity, it's a lot of confusion and figuring it out at this point. Black brits aren't in a position to tell you what is or isn't black
As a South African myself I grew up with my bio middle class black family. A completely different life to yours.
And this whole white saviour thing is real but if black people are not in the position to save our kids then we must accept that white people will adopt them. Someone needs to look after them. No point crying over spilt milk we just need to build a better life and work on becoming saviors cause yes the system is rigged but we are in it and time is running out.
We were born into this f* up world we will leave it just as f* up. As the song goes "brighten the corner where you are" just do your best and keep moving forward. And don't judge people cause life is PAIN its hard out here for most of us.
I'm the daughter of latin American parents but I was born and raised in Europe. This question of identity and what I group I belong in has bothered me my entire life. This struggle is still with me at 22 years old. As a child it caused me great anxiety to constantly be "othered" no matter where I go, but it was (is) definitely the worst when it came from my own parents. Every aspect of myself was being categorised as too latin or too European or not enough of either. I am a native spanish speaker, though I am extremely insecure speaking spanish now because the way I expressed my self in spanish is of course colored by the other language I know, and thus constantly critiqued by my parents. I often hide the fact that I can speak spanish because the thought of someone questioning how "latin" I am gives me anxiety. And do not get me started on the creepy european men fetishizing my roots.
From europeans, they often say I am European because I was born here to reaffirm me I believe. But as soon as they realise that I know little about their traditions and culture and that I am more "latin" than they initially thought, they treat me differently. As if I was stupid or deserving of pity. Sometimes they are even irritated ("how can you have been born here and not know xyz"). One friend was once absolutely flabbergasted that I had never worn the traditional clothing in the country I was born in. She proceeded to tell everybody about this as if it was some spectacle.
At another party with latin people I was talking to a man who thought it was very funny how I pronounced a certain word and proceeded to call over all of his friends. They gathered around me laughing and told me to say it again. I felt like a fucking clown in a circus.
Theres so much more to this and I have almost nobody to talk to about this because people keep telling me how "cool" it must be to have two cultures and two languages. I should be grateful yadda yadda. I have no solution for this anxiety except to aggressively insist that I am perfectly 50% latin and 50% european and I shut down any conversation that tries to question this.
Eso suena como una experiencia miserable. Lo siento mucho que hayas pasado por eso. Espero que no te importe si pregunto pero, ¿a qué te referías con que tu padres adoptados criticaban tu forma de hablar en tu lengua nativa? ¿Quieres decir que ellos son españoles y que tú hablas con tu acento regional, o es otra cosa? (No tienes que contestar si no quieres. Creo que malentendí algo.)
Otra cosa. Tu caso me recordó originalmente sobre un punto que he visto al hablar de este tema, y es que los padres que adoptan a un niño de otra cultura tienen la responsabilidad de adoptar esa cultura, en vez de ignorarla y esencialmente asimilar al niño su propia cultura, y que esto incluye especialmente el de aprender el lenguaje (Cuando me di cuenta que para tu caso esto probablemente no aplica de la misma forma, lo tuve que hacer un párrafo aparte. Lo sé, mucho texto. Perdón :p).
Also, feel free to respond in whatever language you wish, if you do.
@@brunitop4753it doesn't sound like this person was adopted. They're a child of immigrants
I have a similar experience except I don’t think my parents were like that to me, it was more self inflicted. The best way you can feel connected to your other culture is really to either visit and stay in Latin America for a while or make friends with those born in Latin America in your community and they are friendly open minded people. I studied abroad in the country I was born in for 4 years and after coming back I felt more connected, I felt better and less sad about having two cultures. My language vocabulary of my mother tongue improved and heck I even learned a new one (my birth country is multilingual). I understood aspects of myself that I didn’t know I can be. I met relatives, I made friends, I understood nuances in that culture and why my parents are like that, ect. It wasn’t perfect though; I had some bad experiences here and there but it is very humbling to relearn the culture. If you can, try it. I notice recent immigrants to more developed countries tend to have this unspoken ego trip to recent ones they deem not like them. People in their home countries tend to be friendlier.
Step 1: stop giving a crap about what they think about you
30 seconds into this and the editing is a whole other level.
EDIT: Now that I have finished the video, the editing is great. Definitely a step up. The only issue I had was during the intro, it seemed like the zoom was added to EVERY sentence which defeats the purpose. Remember, if everything is underlined, it just makes the whole page harder to read.
21:17 A lot of abused kids experience this. I know a lot of working class kids who didn’t understand brushing their *teeth.*
I've said it before on your videos, If there is one universal black experience it's being told that you are not black enough. Black people who grow up in all black communities, raised by 2 black parents are told by our peers, for the most arbitrary reasons, that we are not black enough. I've been told so many time in my life that I'm "not really black" because of my music choice or clothing or because I like camping. Unfortunately we are constantly looking to qualify each other. So this is one shared, united trauma that you and every black person in the world have. You are definitely one of us.
I would argue that the black people saying that certain people aren’t “fully black,” or “black enough” are the ones with the internalized racism and self hatred. People fully confident in themselves wouldn’t attack or belittle others that seem to have characteristics of the group that is in the majority when they themselves are considered part of the minority
Agreed. It took me until adulthood to realize why “not black enough” was an insult in their eyes - because “not black enough” people can spark an insecurity in others not like them: the fear of being “too black.”
So true. They're mad that you're not their brand or stroke of 'Blackness', even tho it is not a monolith 🤦🏽♀️
I can't truly understand what you've been through, but I just wanted to say your story truly touched me, it makes me cry actually. I wish you all the best in the world because you seem like such a pure hearted person. Lots of hugs from Italy ❤
This was heavy. Thank you for sharing, I can't imagine that this was at all an easy thing to post. If you are grateful for anything I hope it is to your own strength, very people would be able to face what you did growing up and come out the other side.
I was not adopted, but I lived the same nightmare of having a parental figure living with personality/mood disorders which rendered them bed bound and extremely sensitive to my feelings. I also do not really have an outlet for my anger, and I haven't been living with them for almost a decade.
I was supposed to feel grateful for being born and that was it. I started to become a parentified child pretty early on since she was incapable of doing mostly anything, it all fell on me. It was hard. It's hard. I'm so sorry, kid.
Personally, I’m planning to adopt or foster. I don’t believe life is a good enough “gift” to give to a person that doesn’t yet exist, but there are people who have already been born, in terrible situations, that could use someone paying for their needs and education. I don’t wish to be seen as a savior, but I honestly don’t have many wants and needs so I foresee myself having too much money and not many things to spend it on, so might as well use it on someone that needs it
Totally agree. But wow it blew my mind about the money as someone who is struggling to make ends meet no matter wtf I do lol. Love that for you though. I'm thankfully very okay with never having children, I can't do it. Financially, mentally or physically. But my dilemma would also be that I don't think life is good enough to just pop someone new into it, especially not with my genes that has made my life so fucking difficult.. So I would likely have considered adopting or fostering too, if I had been in a better place overall and craved having kids.
I think it's a huge challenge to adopt and to adopt transracially. I would want to adopt but there are a huge array of factors to consider, especially a child's acceptance of different lifestyles especially after trauma ie I'm vegetarian but food control can be an abuse tactic. I think the biggest thing to do as a parent is value their child/children no matter what. I'd hope at some point in the future if I do adopt I value my child's culture and life but it's deeply difficult, complex and individualized. I also don't think saviourism is a white people thing though, imo, it is a majority thing if that makes sense. I've seen Christians also have a saviour narrative, in other countries I've seen all other manner of religions and races with a saviour narrative. Totally happy to be wrong about that though. I also really hate the concept of being grateful for being born or adopted, it's a belief system that I can only hope crumbles quickly, same as the idea that children shouldn't talk if adults are speaking. Brilliant video and insight. I'm also sorry that the care system failed you so deeply, I really hope it will improve but that's just my own optimism.
I think the saviour complex comes often as a byproduct of feeling superior to others, that's why it's so common with religious or rich people.
So, I'm watching this video as a foster parent who is working towards adopting two kids (both of whom are "white" kids). I always question if I want to adopt them out of selfish reasons. I wonder if maybe I am making things worse for them and maybe they would be better just staying in the foster care system forever. Or maybe, there is a nice, white, heterosexual couple that would want to adopt them that could do better for the kids than my husband and I. I um, I have no idea if I am doing the right thing. I always tell them that they are my sons in the only way I know to have sons, but after watching the first part of this video I wonder if that is making them feel like their feelings of not belonging are illogical. I really don't know what I'm doing, but I'm gonna keep trying to do my best for my sons. Sorry for using your comment section as a place to whine...
Being cared for and loved is the bottom line if you’re willing and able to do that it must be a healthier option for them than staying in a system.
Being adopted by mentally unstable people however should be a factor;more so than skin colour. Y’re alright Kid.
There is no white heterosexual couple who is perfect for them. I say this as a white guy. The best possible situation is you. Even if some perfect white couple stepped up I'd have serious doubts they would be better, especially since you've already met these kids. You deserve thanks for caring about them, especially since some people struggle to attach to kids different from themselves.
I'm assuming you're American, if so: we "white" Americans don't really have a universal culture. Ethnic makeup, geographic location, random chances -- it all plays into whatever culture you'll find at a random white person's house. I live in New England and, despite being 100% "white",and from old blood WASP (1600's colonists), I have an "Oma", eat sauerkraut, eat italian food, and am learning Chinese for my girlfriend. I'm not even any percent italian at all, or Chinese.
I'm willing to admit you being white would help them, maybe. But you're already their best possible situation. For that you deserve thanks.
Yay, thanks for the positive comments, y'all.
perfect childhoods dont exist i think. even 'normal' families can struggle with a variety of issues they handle either good or terrible.. that you thoroughly think of what adopting can all entail indicates you care more then a bad foster parent ever would right? so perhaps you can make a good home. future is going to be turbulent anyway
Thank you for this video, my fiancé is adopted and your videos help me understand him. He’s also Zulu and from SA. You’ve gone through a lot, I send you love and wish you the best 💜
I really loved your insights. I'm a gay white male and I would love to adopt. So, naturally have been thinking a lot about this topic lately. There are points in here that I have pondered before and some I had never thought about. I'd never want to be seen as a "white savior" just as I'd never want my children to feel as they don't belong in my family. Hopefully in the future if/when I adopt I can do right by them. Thank you for sharing your thought provoking point of view.
Just adopt white kids
@@divinegon4671 Most children ARE raised in a perfect nuclear family with straight parents and brothers and sisters. These are not those children. The question raised was transRACIAL adoption, not LGBT adoption. Gay people exist whether you agree with it or not. Children are raised in single parent homes, or as the video makes a point of no parents at all. Straight homes are the ONLY source of gay people. We don't just pop into existence. These children ended up where they are because of straight people. They HAVE a "true mother" or a "true father", and yet here they are. Life isn't fair. We don't always get what we deserve or even what we want. Not to mention the LGBT children in this situation. I want children the same way any man about to start a family would. whether my partner is a woman or a man doesn't matter. All that matters is that I love my children and do everything in my power to keep them safe.
@@tylera3194 woah. Calm down dude. My point still stands.
@@divinegon4671 who's depriving them from someone they don't have? If you're that serious about adoption done by straight people, then we should adopt all kids, why don't we (I'm a straight female)? I'm against surrogacy but not adoption, let's help these kids grow up under a roof with a responsible ADULT (or a couple of adults). As long as he's not enforcing the lgbt agenda (you can see it if you do some basic research about that candidate) or creating gender confusion, it should be fine.
@@divinegon4671 he wouldn't be depriving them, plenty of kids grow up without having ever being adopted its better for them to have gay parents than no parents its not like he's stealing them from other parents or as if the children will grow up and resent him for giving them a home without an extra vagina.
Finding your channel around a year ago was such a treat. Your videos just keep getting better and more informative. Thank you, Kid:)
As a foster child of zimbabwian descent this video hit home. The abandonment issues are real. My foster parents were restrictive, neglectful and put a lot of pressure on me to be perfect from a very young age. They were abusive in every possible way. I saw my foster mother a year ago on the street and I reflexively ran away. They were affluent, they were white and they are trifling in my life to this day.
Your are incredibly strong and I'm sorry that you had these experiences. The grief must be immeasurable. At the same time I'm thankful for your commentary, as this is a topic I don't have any experience in and I've learned a lot today. Thank you!
Interesting commentary. I learned a lot. I grew up with my biological parents but often would wish I was adopted by more responsible, non-abusive and kind parents. I feel guilty now that I thought that so flippantly but that was my reality. When it comes down to nature vs nurture I think environment matters tenfold. But nurture also matters to some extent I can only comprehend because I am a mother to a wonderful little girl. And the way she needs or even craves my presences makes me think some element of nurture is needed for a child to develop with less social and intimacy issues. Also to my previous point I was wildly jealous of my best friend who was adopted. Her parents made dinner every night and were supportive of whatever she did. I lived more at her house than mine and her parents would even call me their daughter. To this day I have an estranged relationship with my parents because of my horrible abusive childhood.
I have been told I sound white from whites and I’m not black enough from blacks. I have also been told I’m not Chinese because I look black (I definitely am also Chinese). For those of us who live outside the stereotype we are prone to attack from both sides. It took getting older, not giving a shit , for me to finally be like ah yes this is who I am and fuck off if doesn’t measure up in your book.
Ah anyways, may the algorithm pick up your videos and bring it upstream😇🙏🏾 your videos are so interesting.. #viral #trending #kimkardashian #colleen 😂😂😂😂 maybe tags do something
I think it's so brave and beautiful how open and vulnerable you are about your struggles and your upbringing. You really inspire me.
Incredible that you didn't plan this video and still spoke eloquently and made great points
This video was so good. It's probably my favorite Kidology video (although I've only watched a few). I appreciate the vulnerability and interesting perspective.
Zee, my heart breaks for you. Not because of pity, but just because I think you've been a victim of really, really bad luck when it comes to people.. I'm not adopted but I do feel some similarities with my experience as well, although not on the same level. Wish all the best for you 🙏🏼you deserve it
You've been through absolute hell... I'm so sorry that these things happened to you. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
22:30 Thank you for saying that. It means a lot.
I remember when I had this chat with a woke asian lady, her father was a successful interpreneur and she was quite wealthy. Newest Iphone, her own SUV, restaurants everyday, high end PC and things like that. While I am a Greek 27 year old unemployed living with my parents in a 200 year old house that was built by my great great grandparents. The house is in severely bad condition, 90% of the walls are black from fungus/mold, during winters the roof is dropping drops of humidity on our beds, the blankets and pillows get moldy too. We had rat infestations, cockroaches, only enough money for 1 meal a day(12k$ yearly income for a 4 person household). And she was trying to teach me that just because I was white, I had privilege which she didn't and no matter my living conditions, my life couldn't be worse than hers. It was ridiculous.
Unfortunately people see the white folks as a race that is all on top of the pyramid. But in reality we are a complicated multitude of different ethnicities with different cultures and identities and struggles. And they try to lump as all into one evil group.
Not adopted but was very badly abused by my mother growing up so I relate to many of the things you speak about in this video. Particularly the having to be grateful for bare minimum care (if I was even getting that) and fear of abandonment stuff. The greatest crimes ever committed as those committed by parents against their children.
I love the smiles and laughs through this. One of my foster homes was with a black woman and her biological son. She treated the other foster kid (who was black) and i the same, though obviously different from her own son. I liked her alot but got kicked out for dragging her son into my world at the time. I was in places that i imagine are much like a boarding school and they hold some of my favorite memories, as well. I think you've yet to hit your peak 😉 Thank you for sharing so much.
I really felt this video, thank you for deciding to cover this topic again. I know it can't be easy.
I think it really comes down to this: if someone wants to adopt a child of a different race or ethnicity and they choose to do the whole “color blind” or try to either erase or ignore their differences, they shouldn’t be allowed to adopt that child. The culture and the differences of the child should be taught and celebrated. They should LEARN about their child and what they will need to grow up as a fully formed adult in the future.
I don't necessarily disagree, but culture shouldn't be something you're stuck with based on genetics, or should promote at the cost of making a child feel like an other. To be clear I think what you're saying should be tried to some degree, giving the child the ability to interact with their culture and positive exposure to their culture.
Yet in the modern world culture changes rapidly, and some cultures are diverse enough that, for example, you can be born an "American" and not care much about your ancestor's culture. This is especially true with mixed race couples and new experiences. Some children will *not* like a culture that they either feel or know abandoned them, especially if they feel accepted/loved in another culture. It may even cause them distress to feel like they have to go back to said culture or accept this culture as themselves.
For an example of how focusing on culture can be dangerous, especially in our modern times, consider mixed race children -- should it be socially shunned since it's diluting/destroying a culture? Should it be highlighted how they're different even if they're accepted? I'm a mix of European groups and I can't really say I'm Irish, English, Scottish, German, French, Scandinavian, or Polish, like my ancestors could. But my classmates and I, in a very white state, never felt like we were different despite our differences in european heritage, facial types, traditions, and european skin color. Cultures change, and are diluted. It's sad, yes, but it's also beautiful, natural, and, unless you're a supremacist, you shouldn't value your culture over human freedom. Again, cultures change naturally.
Again, don't necessarily disagree. Just think your view isn't as applicable to the modern world where cultural fusion/diffusion is constant. I just believe if a child feels happy in the culture they're in then there is zero problem, even if a culture gradually dies out.
What if someone adopted a child of the same “race” and didn’t teach the culture of pretty much anything of the country that they originated from? That happened to me from Kazakhstan. I grew up in a stereotypical “white american household and everyone around me thought my parents were my birth parents (we look vastly different) I feel conflicted about the race issue because Central Asia is a natural mixing pot that connected Europe to Asia so I’ve had people tell me, “your white,” “your white by technicality,” and even just “you were born in Asia and your Asian.” While my birth record states that I’m Russian, I kind of have a doubt that I’m “fully” Russian. Even with this conflict or race/ethnicity/ and americanization, I still know nothing about the people from where I was born because America and Americans don’t care about Kazakhstan. It’s not an important country.
I am Black. Born into a black family. Raised by black parents. I love my people. I don't hate being black. I love being black whatever that means But I still can't relate to black people. But I don't think I want too. I don't want to relate to a race anymore
Culture is not something you're born with. Culture is something you're raised in. A child does not have an innate culture that the adoptive parents need to recognize (unless it's an older child), the adoptive parents will be providing their own culture to the child in the process of raising him or her.
The biological parent has a right to request that their child be raised by a certain type of family that shares their own values and culture, but that's different than insinuating that race and culture are inherently linked (which is a racist idea)
it's a human right or genocide defined by the UN, look up the UN law from the 40s defining genocide, because cross-cultural counts as one type it deprives a child of their culture
when they say blind they mean white culture only
I have so much respect for Kidology, where she has come from and her story. I appreciate your point of view!
Thank you so much for opening up, listening to your experiences and opinions is something I really value
Amazing video. As an adopter it’s so interesting to hear your point of view!
This is the most beautifully raw content I've seen in a long time. Thank you for your vulnerability ❤️
Watching this hit home that I have no real appreciation for the adoption experience. The closest reference I have is my dad being fostered (very unhappily) as a young child and having an extremely fraught relationship with his birth mother. He disassociated from his birth mother and foster family after he met my mum and my mum’s family became his family, but he struggled with insecurity most of his life. He virtually never talked about his birth mother or foster experience, except a couple of occasions when drunk. I really appreciate you opening up about this subject. I don’t suppose it’s at all easy.
You know when someone is so woke & pro-black that they circle back into being racist?
Thats how that conversational topic feels like to me.
That's what it feels like when you hear biracial kids who have white mothers talks. They will always be "my mother is white, she is genetically incapable of understanding me or loving me" and biracial kids who have black mother are like "thank God I had a black mother, that is why I feel accepted by other black people like I am fully black".
I am engaging for the algorithm !
As a lower class child, I feel like my upgrading totally still impact me nowadays. I am finishing my studies and still have this feeling of not belonging to my fellow classmates. The study I am pursuing are quite elitist and not a lot have had a background I can relate to.
But as you mentioned, having a sibling is very "helpful", allowing ourself to have someone who understand us completely.
My story is far less intense than yours Zee, you are so strong, intelligent and beautiful. I admire your strength.
Thanks for the video ! :)
I just really have to say that just love listening to your videos and hearing your opinions and how raw and honest you sound while being so humorous. It is so refreshing to hear such intelligent speech (in your videos in general) and how entertaining, eye-opening, thought provocing and unique stories you tell about your experiences and views. Obviously I'm sorry that you had to go thru all the horrible stuff but I'm also glad that you are here to talk about those(if that makes sense??) anyeays, wishing you all the best
Haven't been through the entire video yet, but wanted to send hugs to you & every adoptee who been through such bad experiences. Transracial foster & adoptee CAN work, but it has to be DONE RIGHT. I got a friend, who's family adopted her & her sister, with 3 biological girls of their own. Though the two adopted are from African decent in a white family, they were so accepted & love, my friend didn't even had an interest to look at her adoption files when she could. She was content & happy with them. Her dad & sisters supported her hobby so much, she got to be one the best in our country in that particular hobby. The way everyone saw the care & love from her lovely parents towards all the 5 girls was amazing. I REALLY WISH EVERYONE COULD HAVE SUCH A LOVING FAMILY, NO MATTER IF IT ISN'T "BIOLOGICAL".
I truly wish we had way more successful stories like my friend.. My heart go out to everyone who had such bad experiences :(
Great video! Thank you for sharing your experiences with us! ❤ I’m sorry that you are somehow encountering these people that act so horrid against you. Wish you all the best and good vibes!
I completely agree with your points and I think it's a very interesting perspective that should be talked more. I also love how you don't let your bad experiences influence your opinion on something, you see beyond one point of view and I think that's admirable.
"I can't get angry" when I tell you mu jaw dropped... i didn't know other people felt that way. Me too that's an emotion I can't feel and it's so strange cause when I need to be angry I can't and it causes me to have migraines
Also the "I'm always the one that gets dumped cause i have been taught that i should be grateful" i can relate to that so much. I have bpd and some of the things you mentioned resemble bpd symptoms. Now I'm not saying you have anything, but I do think that you would benefit from looking it up a little bit, maybe it answers some questions.
Your fear about being in an abvsive relationship cause you would he the perfect victim, you are not alone I promise you you are not alone. I avoid relationship like the plague because of this fear.
"Close me eyes and just pray" I'm speechless cause from one hand I've been in the exact same mindset my entire childhood and on the other hand wow that is just i don't know wow I'm speechless that speaks for the world we live in
You’re so strong kid, you’ve been through so much and I’m so proud of you for doing it all alone ❤
Have you looked into attachment styles at all? The theory is really interesting and explains how childhood experiences lead to how you view relationships as an adult. You sound like you probably have anxious attachment based on what you said here. I really recommend Heidi Priebe's videos on attachment styles, they are very good.
I absolutely love how your opinion on the subject is both personal, down to earth and practical about the subject. Your such a beautiful and smart person and you seem extremely deserving of a healthy relationship of some kind in your life and I genuinly hipe you find one if you haven't already.
very happy to have found your channel! ❤ love your kind and unpretentious way of speaking in sensitive topics.
As a black dude who got adopted into a white family, I'd say no. Tbf, my family is absolutely awful so this experience can vary but even without them being asses I always had issues with how I look as I only had white people around me at home, in school, with my friends etc. White people can also just not relate to the poc experience even if they're good people.
Would you legislate against it if you had the power to do so?
Sorry to hear you grew up in a dysfunctional family, it's awful. I'm white and grew up in my native country but with a Pakistani step mother her whole extended family. Although I was 8 years old already at that time, it didn't take long for me to feel like I didn't fit it, like I didn't look the right way. Every time I saw myself on a photo or in the mirror I was kind of shocked at how pale and bleached out I looked. It sure didn't help that my father glorified my step mother and told me how ugly I was because I looked too much like my actual mother. So despite being mostly surrounded by people of my own ethnic background, I still felt like a misfit. I can only imagine how much worse it is, if literally everyone looks different to you.
That being said, I have an Ethiopian friend who was adopted by Swedish people and grew up in Sweden. She is super happy with her family and never felt like there was anything wrong or weird about her looking quite a bit different to most Swedes. Maybe it's cause she was adopted together with her brother, maybe it's just cause her family is super sweet and caring. I don't know. But it can work I guess.
I think it should vary. Your experience is not everyone experiences.
@@RUclipsMadeMePickHandleLegislation? In favor of reducing the options for certain skin colors ability to adopt a child in need if they don’t look like them? 🤯🤯 Let’s be honest here too, it’ll only go one way. So would you? Legislate to stop people from helping because of their skin?
@@linibellini I knew a couple white families that adopted 2 children from Korea. The children grew up to be happy and productive. Their families were very open about the adoption. They were also open about the culture. For adoptive parents, for it to work, you have to be empathetic and validate the child's feelings.
Thank you for your vulnerability and processing this with us. Its so important. And very misunderstood. My heart breaks for little baby Kid, you deserved so much better. ❤
30 seconds in and the editing quality is noticeably improved. Me Gusta.
I’m not adopted, but I am biracial (European/African) raised in Canada mostly by my white-European family. My African father was and still is in the picture, but had his own baggage that made it hard for him to relate to his culture. My mom is very much “colour blind” and this combination made it almost impossible for my sisters and I to connect with either of them or to feel comfortable with ourselves as visibly black people in a white majority society. While I know this cannot compare to what it must be like to be a transracial adoptee, I can relate to a lot of what was shared.
Omg!!! the frequency of kidologys upload recently though~. Im not complaining!!! Slay gielrl you slay
Interesting perspective, as always! Looking forward to the next video 😁
( So many times during this video I wanted to just give you a big hug, I hope that’s okay to say.)
Thank you for sharing your experience! I think it’s invaluable that we try and make something of the experience of adoptees so that hopefully we can help those wounds and not keep deepening them. I’ve wanted to adopt since I was a little girl (after finding out my own mum was adopted, and realising that my favourite people in the world were actually not my blood relatives). I’m also mentally ill which is why I’m only considering adoption once I am at a stage where I feel I can comfortably take care of another person without my health issues affecting us both negatively. (If that never comes, well…) My biggest fear would be to be someone like you described, too unwell to care for my child and neglecting them in the process. I never thought of what race the child I’d adopt would be, but in many European countries, older children or children of colour are less likely to be adopted so it’s very possible. I think I don’t like the idea of people being completely against transracial adopting because it could potentially mean more children of colour being stuck in the adoptive/foster system.
You deserve love, you deserve respect. You have human dignity, nobody can take that away from you but yourself. I truly hope your heart heals and that you can realize your full potential as a human being.
5:01 My guess is that adopted kids are more likely to have mothers that gave them subpar prenatal care. A lot of adopted kids I knew had pre-existing health issues going into the foster system. Congenital disorders, FAS, schizophrenia in the family, etc. They may not have been cared for properly early on and have some sort of neglect- or abuse-induced disabilities (ex. Slavic orphanages in the last several decades). They don’t get a true caregiver and advocate until… what? Several months after birth? Later? Natal children are giving TLC 24/7 (in stable families).
I'm a biological child but my parents are separated and I grew up in a fairly poor and toxic household. My mother worked with child care homes and she aaalways told me that "I should be grateful that I'm not like them", that I'm supposed to be grateful that I have her. As an adult I don't even keep in touch with her. She provided nothing to me and was extremely selfish. I always had to take care of myself, she would never be home, cook meals or support me financially. Not to mention how f'd up it was for someone to work in these facilities yet say such condescending things about the kids she was surrounded with. 😐 Now as an adult I don't want my own biological children but I would consider adoption once me and my partner have a stable lifestyle. On the other hand, both of us are from broken families so the child wouldn't have grandparents or pretty much any other family to experience outside of us which I feel like could be harmful for them and make them miss out on a lot 🙁
You have an incredible story - thanks so much for sharing with us
I appreciate/ relate to feeling unable to express or even disconnected from anger as an emotion, from my own circumstances. I (correctly or incorrectly) perceive something close to anger in this video. I hope it was useful for you to express this.
Thank you for making this video even though it was hard. I’m really glad I watched it and I’m learning a lot from the comments too
This video is so sad omg. I’m praying for you and wish you the best moving forward. 😘
I'm not adopted, but my upbringing has affected me. My parents are both alcoholics and my dad is sometimes a mean drunk depending on what he drinks and how much. I have extended family members who have fallen to drugs so it's safe to say I'll never drink and never do drugs. I don't want to end up like them and I've been doing great with that.
Zee, I love the aggressive yet comical editing on this video😂❤❤❤
its crazy how people are incapable of separating the result of bad adoptive parents and the race of the people who adopted them. if you are against transracial adoption as a concept at a base level then you are in fact racist. racism is wrong.
This was a very emotional video. Getting a glimpse into the life of adopted children
There are people who believe they are a prisoner of their past, and there are those that realise they aren’t.
I think your rage comes across perfectly clearly in your videos. It's so clear that you're angry and this is your way to express it.
I'm so proud to have found out you are. Thank you for everything, friend. I truly am so grateful for everything you do.
I am amazed by how eloquent and nuanced you address a very complicated issue! I have worked with adopted families in the past. The children in these families were to young or troubled to make their own decisions. It was hard for me to advice parents or judges on what to do, coming from a warm biological family. I listened to a lot of opinions of adopted adults or theoretical experts. But most of the time they felt more like activist instead of advisors or more experienced partners in helping these kids in their difficult situations. So it is very valuable to hear adult voices with experience talk so nuanced and open about it!
I could never agree more with @KidologyCO. Actually, I ran away from my adopted country to another country with a population mainly consisting of my own race. However, despite this, I have also been rejected by my own race because they perceive me as not truly Asian (called "banana" people). Moreover, I feel less lonely now that I am not the only Asian in the country I moved to, effectively "walking away" from my adopted family. I think I am finding the peace that I have always longed for, and it has given me hope, knowing that my original plan was to end my life. And I don't care what people say; I do not owe gratitude to anyone. By the way, not all interracial adoptions are fairy tales. Do not deceive yourselves; there is too much sht** that happens behind the scenes that the rest of the people cannot see or imagine. Thank you so much, @KidologyCO, for being brave enough to create this content.
First comment even though I have been watching you for a while now and love your videos.
It takes a lot of courage to openly talk about your story like you did in this video! All my positive energy towards you!
For the algorithm 😉
I’ve always found your videos relatable and honest in terms of how our backgrounds affect us. I wonder if no matter how different your later circumstances are compared to your childhood if you will always be affected by the past. (I think the answer is yes). This isn’t something I ever thought about as a child where I naively imagined a future where I rode into the sunset!
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience with us.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience so personally and candidly ❤️
I personally think it's harder for adopted children moving from one foster family to another, being treated unfair or even worse, it's not always the case BUT it's a struggle for sure.
I grew up with my mother, my father died when I was 2 years old, my fathers parents were the worst kind of people, telling me whenever they could what a failure I am, what I'm trying to say is that not only parents can be the villain grandparents can mess up your life too, it depends on how you grew up adopted or not it's always a struggle for young people to gain maturity and strength to stand up for themselves.
I will never be able to imagine how hard it must be to be abandoned by your own mother/father
This entire video was truly emotional. If you are reading this and struggling with feelings of not being loved, I want you to know that you are special. I understand that it can be challenging, especially when you are a child or a young person trying to navigate life and relying on adults. However, life gets better; you just have to hold on :)