To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining. For more videos click the JOIN button.
Going to a gay sauna has been such a liberating experience for me, and I can understand how important that can be for anyone who experiences constant rejection. There’s always someone open to connecting, which makes it feel a little less isolating. As Mark pointed out, everything is rooted in mutual respect; a simple glance or touch can indicate interest, and you have the power to give your consent easily. The sauna I visited had a bar, a jacuzzi, and a pool, creating a relaxed atmosphere where you can just unwind and enjoy yourself. It really is a space that allows you to embrace who you are, and that sense of acceptance can be incredibly comforting.
That sounds like a really welcoming and comfortable atmosphere. The one I recall as my first (and only!) visit was nice, but only a sauna if I recall correctly.
Great topic, Mark. In the '90s I was in a horribly toxic relationship and my self esteem was on the floor. My boyfriend always told me nobody else would want me, which is an awful thing to say to anyone. Sadly I believed him. When he broke up with me I was distraught, so I booked a few days away in Paris. One evening I plucked up enough courage to go to a gay sauna, and it was amazing! I have always found French men very attractive and thankfully they seemed to like me too. I had the time of my life with a French soldier. I thank "Guy" to this day for giving me back my self esteem. I have never been made love to like that before or since. He made me feel great. I often think about him and wonder what my life would have been like had I moved to Paris. Guy made such an impression on me that my husband of 24 years knows all about him and finds it sweet. Happy memories. Bonne nuit.
Wow...your video brought back old memories...when I was in high school the change rooms were scary but the other guys were a feast for the eye!!! Later in life when I went swimming in a public pool same nice experiences expect that sometimes I would get excited down there and was always afraid of other guys noticing... I did go to saunas a few times and what you said was a fine description and it's true that it is a safer place re everyone is basically there for the same reason. Thanks for posting this fine video.
I usually don’t comment on videos but you do great work! It would be nice to sit down and have a one-on-one conversation with you. It would be so insightful. Keep up the good work!
Hey thanks so much for tuning in and for your kind words. I’m so glad you have enjoyed my videos. I provide 1:1 sessions and also chat via message. You can find out more about connecting on www.notdefining.com. Either way I’m so glad you’re here and happy we can connect! ❤️✨
Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how liberating it must have been when you finally went for it. I've often thought of doing something like that myself, but I struggle really hard with it. Most of it, in my case, has to do with unhealthy standards of beauty. I feel a deep sense of shame largely for being overweight and feeling out of place because of it. Maybe one day I'll get the self-actualization to do it.
Hey thank you so much for sharing your feelings around this. I can tell how difficult it has felt for you to be open in that way. You are not alone and please know that you are perfect and can take things as slow and easy as you like. I’m glad you’re here and wish for you pride in your beautiful self.
Let me tell you the truth. It's highly unlikely to be a pleasant place for you you would be totally rejected most likely there would be nothing liberating about that for you
I've had only 1 experience with like this and it was many moons ago in Atlanta where I was in school and had just come out. Although I felt insecurity about going to such a place (I think because it was such a rare occurrence and I felt definitely risky behavior in the time just before AIDS), but also a bit of exhilaration that it was possible because of all the freedoms you mention -- to look at anyone anytime without judgment or scorn. What helped me was going with a group of fellow students who, likewise had never been to a bathhouse. On the whole it was a good experience but it was cut short by the AIDS epidemic that soon emerged. I would welcome the opportunity to do it again, and now with much more confidence and self-awareness I think it could be quite fun.
Hey thanks so much for shading your experience. A lot has changed since that time and venues are super positive about safe sex with information everywhere and contraception freely available all around. We also have PrEp now which is transforming the way we protect ourselves. It’s still important to take precautions but we don’t have that awful fear of before.
I am still stuck in the petrified, shame-repressed part of attempting to go to saunas. Feels extra daunting for me since being a trans man could also mean rejection at the door.
Hey I hear what you’re saying. Sometimes there are special T4T days at saunas which can help people to feel more confident visiting. Also you may wish to call in advance and speak to the staff. They should be able to reassure you and answer any questions you may have before going.
im a gay transmasc and i have the same worries. im worried that even if i was allowed in. that there would be individual men who would react in disgust.
@ The best way i’ve heard other trans men figure this out is to personally call the front desk beforehand and ask their policy (some might have conditions based on surgeries you’ve had) It’s still hard though because even if the staff sounds welcoming, the clientele might not be
Maybe you covered this in the video, but I don't recall. I don't know how to find saunas now. I suppose I could google it, but I'd want a curated list from a trusted source before just visiting a googled location. If you have any tips for finding "reputable" saunas, I'd appreciate them. Might spark a new episode in life for me!
Hey good question. I would look for reviews online. You can get a pretty good idea of what people have said about it from reviews. Also you can check to see if they have a social media page like Instagram. The more established popular ones will post pictures and info on their accounts and will have lots of followers and people will comment positively and stuff like that. The less good ones probably won’t have this. You can also call them ahead of time and ask them questions. See how helpful their staff are and if they can answer your queries. Finally, you can always go and visit to try it out but just go for half an hour and stay in the cafe etc. or just walk around but don’t necessarily stay and do anything. Just visit and sense the vibe.
Hi Mark, your content is great, and what you post to help people is truly inspiring. I am from the UK, and honestly, I know it's off topic, but I am truly struggling to live as my authentic self as a bi/gay male. I am 19 and feel like I can never come out. The main problem is coming out at work as I work in a 'masculine environment'. It's so hard. And I just wish I could be a bit more open about myself without being gaslighted. I hate having the lime-light on me.
Hey thank you so much for reaching out and for your kind words about my content. I appreciate it so much. Coming out at work can be so tough, especially if it’s a traditionally masculine environment. I have a playlist entitled “self confidence”. I would invite you to watch the videos in that playlist. They should really help with your situation. If you’re still having difficulties come chat with me on Patreon.com/notdefining and I can give you some tailored mentoring to help you move forward. In any case you’re not alone and you will get there. Take it easy and remember you’re doing so great just being in that environment as it is. Take it in small steps and don’t give up. Sending so much support and solidarity to you my friend. Mark ❤️
There actually are. They’re not specifically restricted to older people but for example in Dublin where I used to live there was one for a more mature crowd and another where younger guys went. It was kind of known. If you read reviews you can find out what the demographic is or email/call and ask.
I wonder if there's places like that for trans folk! I'm a Finn and hearing that a changing room or a sauna can be tense sounds a little funny to me, but I can understand :D
Haha yes I can imagine. You guys in Finland are the masters of saunas. In British culture we are awkward about everything. Haha. There are Trans days in some saunas where Trans people can come and feel together with each other but normally Trans people are all welcome.
I've not been to a sauna in a few years, went to two in Manchester but felt very uncomfortable, possibly because i have trust issues and maybe in denial. I'm Bi.
They've never been my thing. I've tried them a few times over my years but they just always felt too s***** for me. And there's a lot of weird stuff that goes on at these bath houses. Hey if it's your thing great but I just has not been my thing
There's nothing to be afraid of. The tubs (as I refer to them) are a blast. I haven't been to one in a very long time since I met my husband of 26 years the last time I was there. I met three folks who have been lifelong friends there and, of course, had many more casual experiences as well. I only had one negative experience when someone would just not leave me alone. I reported him to management and left. No biggee...
To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info.
Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining.
For more videos click the JOIN button.
Going to a gay sauna has been such a liberating experience for me, and I can understand how important that can be for anyone who experiences constant rejection. There’s always someone open to connecting, which makes it feel a little less isolating. As Mark pointed out, everything is rooted in mutual respect; a simple glance or touch can indicate interest, and you have the power to give your consent easily. The sauna I visited had a bar, a jacuzzi, and a pool, creating a relaxed atmosphere where you can just unwind and enjoy yourself. It really is a space that allows you to embrace who you are, and that sense of acceptance can be incredibly comforting.
That sounds like a really welcoming and comfortable atmosphere. The one I recall as my first (and only!) visit was nice, but only a sauna if I recall correctly.
Yes. I find it very orderly, honest, direct.
Hey thanks for sharing. I’m so glad you had a nice experience.
Great topic, Mark. In the '90s I was in a horribly toxic relationship and my self esteem was on the floor. My boyfriend always told me nobody else would want me, which is an awful thing to say to anyone. Sadly I believed him. When he broke up with me I was distraught, so I booked a few days away in Paris. One evening I plucked up enough courage to go to a gay sauna, and it was amazing! I have always found French men very attractive and thankfully they seemed to like me too. I had the time of my life with a French soldier. I thank "Guy" to this day for giving me back my self esteem. I have never been made love to like that before or since. He made me feel great. I often think about him and wonder what my life would have been like had I moved to Paris. Guy made such an impression on me that my husband of 24 years knows all about him and finds it sweet. Happy memories. Bonne nuit.
Hey thank you so much for this beautiful story. I’m so glad you had this experience. Thank you for sharing it.
Wow...your video brought back old memories...when I was in high school the change rooms were scary but the other guys were a feast for the eye!!!
Later in life when I went swimming in a public pool same nice experiences expect that sometimes I would get excited down there and was always afraid of other guys noticing...
I did go to saunas a few times and what you said was a fine description and it's true that it is a safer place re everyone is basically there for the same reason. Thanks for posting this fine video.
Hey thanks so much for sharing your experiences and for tuning in.
I usually don’t comment on videos but you do great work! It would be nice to sit down and have a one-on-one conversation with you. It would be so insightful. Keep up the good work!
Hey thanks so much for tuning in and for your kind words. I’m so glad you have enjoyed my videos. I provide 1:1 sessions and also chat via message. You can find out more about connecting on www.notdefining.com. Either way I’m so glad you’re here and happy we can connect! ❤️✨
@ you’re very welcome. I will go to your website and reach out for sure. Thanks for everything!
I was literally just thinking a few hours ago. 🤔 Haven't seen a video from Mark in a bit and here you go!!
Ah I’m so glad I could provide!
I’m usually very shy and unmotivated so actually being in a sauna (gay or otherwise) sounds daunting.
It can be very daunting absolutely.
Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how liberating it must have been when you finally went for it. I've often thought of doing something like that myself, but I struggle really hard with it. Most of it, in my case, has to do with unhealthy standards of beauty. I feel a deep sense of shame largely for being overweight and feeling out of place because of it. Maybe one day I'll get the self-actualization to do it.
Hey thank you so much for sharing your feelings around this. I can tell how difficult it has felt for you to be open in that way. You are not alone and please know that you are perfect and can take things as slow and easy as you like. I’m glad you’re here and wish for you pride in your beautiful self.
@notdefining ♥️
Let me tell you the truth. It's highly unlikely to be a pleasant place for you you would be totally rejected most likely there would be nothing liberating about that for you
I've had only 1 experience with like this and it was many moons ago in Atlanta where I was in school and had just come out. Although I felt insecurity about going to such a place (I think because it was such a rare occurrence and I felt definitely risky behavior in the time just before AIDS), but also a bit of exhilaration that it was possible because of all the freedoms you mention -- to look at anyone anytime without judgment or scorn. What helped me was going with a group of fellow students who, likewise had never been to a bathhouse. On the whole it was a good experience but it was cut short by the AIDS epidemic that soon emerged. I would welcome the opportunity to do it again, and now with much more confidence and self-awareness I think it could be quite fun.
Hey thanks so much for shading your experience. A lot has changed since that time and venues are super positive about safe sex with information everywhere and contraception freely available all around. We also have PrEp now which is transforming the way we protect ourselves. It’s still important to take precautions but we don’t have that awful fear of before.
I am still stuck in the petrified, shame-repressed part of attempting to go to saunas. Feels extra daunting for me since being a trans man could also mean rejection at the door.
Hey I hear what you’re saying. Sometimes there are special T4T days at saunas which can help people to feel more confident visiting. Also you may wish to call in advance and speak to the staff. They should be able to reassure you and answer any questions you may have before going.
im a gay transmasc and i have the same worries. im worried that even if i was allowed in. that there would be individual men who would react in disgust.
@ The best way i’ve heard other trans men figure this out is to personally call the front desk beforehand and ask their policy (some might have conditions based on surgeries you’ve had)
It’s still hard though because even if the staff sounds welcoming, the clientele might not be
hy there, I watched your video from start to the end, and just want to say thank you for share your thought , :)
I appreciate that!
Is a sauna vastly different from a bath house? I don't know if they existed in the UK, but they were very popular in the US before the AIDS epidemic.
No it’s the same thing. Bath house or sauna.
Maybe you covered this in the video, but I don't recall. I don't know how to find saunas now. I suppose I could google it, but I'd want a curated list from a trusted source before just visiting a googled location. If you have any tips for finding "reputable" saunas, I'd appreciate them. Might spark a new episode in life for me!
Hey good question. I would look for reviews online. You can get a pretty good idea of what people have said about it from reviews. Also you can check to see if they have a social media page like Instagram. The more established popular ones will post pictures and info on their accounts and will have lots of followers and people will comment positively and stuff like that. The less good ones probably won’t have this. You can also call them ahead of time and ask them questions. See how helpful their staff are and if they can answer your queries. Finally, you can always go and visit to try it out but just go for half an hour and stay in the cafe etc. or just walk around but don’t necessarily stay and do anything. Just visit and sense the vibe.
PS,I dont go now I'm a bit long in the tooth,but go with a friend if you think you need a supporter,I like your chats
Kind of me too.
@@notdefining If your ever in the area ,you must stop by for tea!
Hi Mark, your content is great, and what you post to help people is truly inspiring. I am from the UK, and honestly, I know it's off topic, but I am truly struggling to live as my authentic self as a bi/gay male. I am 19 and feel like I can never come out. The main problem is coming out at work as I work in a 'masculine environment'. It's so hard. And I just wish I could be a bit more open about myself without being gaslighted. I hate having the lime-light on me.
Hey thank you so much for reaching out and for your kind words about my content. I appreciate it so much. Coming out at work can be so tough, especially if it’s a traditionally masculine environment. I have a playlist entitled “self confidence”. I would invite you to watch the videos in that playlist. They should really help with your situation. If you’re still having difficulties come chat with me on Patreon.com/notdefining and I can give you some tailored mentoring to help you move forward. In any case you’re not alone and you will get there. Take it easy and remember you’re doing so great just being in that environment as it is. Take it in small steps and don’t give up. Sending so much support and solidarity to you my friend. Mark ❤️
@notdefining thank you, Mark. You're the best 🙂
Hey Mark. I assume it is the case that there are no gay saunas for old men?
There actually are. They’re not specifically restricted to older people but for example in Dublin where I used to live there was one for a more mature crowd and another where younger guys went. It was kind of known. If you read reviews you can find out what the demographic is or email/call and ask.
I wonder if there's places like that for trans folk! I'm a Finn and hearing that a changing room or a sauna can be tense sounds a little funny to me, but I can understand :D
Haha yes I can imagine. You guys in Finland are the masters of saunas. In British culture we are awkward about everything. Haha. There are Trans days in some saunas where Trans people can come and feel together with each other but normally Trans people are all welcome.
I've not been to a sauna in a few years, went to two in Manchester but felt very uncomfortable, possibly because i have trust issues and maybe in denial. I'm Bi.
They've never been my thing. I've tried them a few times over my years but they just always felt too s***** for me. And there's a lot of weird stuff that goes on at these bath houses. Hey if it's your thing great but I just has not been my thing
Hey that’s fair enough. Yeah they’re definitely not for everyone. I don’t really like them now. It’s a bit much for me.
@notdefining I do think there's something someone that should experience at least once.
I love saunas!! It’s always been a wonderful time for me sexually!!I have been to ones in multiple countries. They are wonderful!!
Hey I’m so glad you loved your experience. Thanks for sharing.
There's nothing to be afraid of. The tubs (as I refer to them) are a blast. I haven't been to one in a very long time since I met my husband of 26 years the last time I was there. I met three folks who have been lifelong friends there and, of course, had many more casual experiences as well. I only had one negative experience when someone would just not leave me alone. I reported him to management and left. No biggee...
That would be rare now in the US most of the bath houses have shut down. This isn't the 1970s or '80s anymore